1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:04,560 Speaker 1: Andre Martinez in Real Life Podcast Chapter one, We're All 2 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,720 Speaker 1: Gonna Die. Lauren London was the first person on my 3 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,119 Speaker 1: brain when I thought about having this podcast because of 4 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:12,480 Speaker 1: a couple of reasons. Number one, I think she's super dope. 5 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:15,160 Speaker 1: I think you're super dope, and also I think there's 6 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:17,680 Speaker 1: a lot to learn from you. Are you weirded out 7 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:20,600 Speaker 1: by talking and doing interviews and sharing just what your 8 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:24,959 Speaker 1: life has been like? Not to you? Um? And I 9 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,560 Speaker 1: guess I'm kind of like learning how to do that 10 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:31,400 Speaker 1: in this new space because I'm learning so much about 11 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:35,559 Speaker 1: myself now and I've changed so much, so like talking 12 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:38,600 Speaker 1: from this space yet it's new, so I'm not talking 13 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,519 Speaker 1: a lot. You haven't done a lot at all. I 14 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:45,280 Speaker 1: don't blame you, honestly in talking to people. I just 15 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:47,800 Speaker 1: want to be intentional and I want it to be 16 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 1: a safe space because then what am I saying? For real? Yeah? 17 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:54,880 Speaker 1: And there's so many not safe spaces now because everybody's 18 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 1: talking everybody. There's a podcast everywhere, there's an interview show, 19 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,320 Speaker 1: you know, there's a radio show everywhere, and people are competing, 20 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,720 Speaker 1: so they tend to clickbait. Yeah, they want clickbay and 21 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,880 Speaker 1: just what the intentions are like the intentions are not 22 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,800 Speaker 1: always that, which is one of the reasons I wanted 23 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,560 Speaker 1: to do this. So I really wanted to have conversations 24 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,240 Speaker 1: with people because I need inspiration just like everybody else does. 25 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:15,800 Speaker 1: And I really wanted to talk to people that I 26 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:19,479 Speaker 1: could feel get good energy from, share good energy with, 27 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:21,080 Speaker 1: and then put that out in the world. So that 28 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:22,920 Speaker 1: was one of the reasons. But then when I told 29 00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: you the name, I was a little nervous. I was like, wow, 30 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,360 Speaker 1: I was nervous because because when you've experienced so much, 31 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,200 Speaker 1: I feel like I want to be sensitive to you. 32 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:32,800 Speaker 1: But then I thought to myself, is that like annoying 33 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,640 Speaker 1: to her that everyone would want to treat you with 34 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:39,640 Speaker 1: kid gloves or be sensitive or treat you differently, Like 35 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,039 Speaker 1: that's has to be a big thing. In the past 36 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 1: couple of years, it's been a big thing. I really 37 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:49,559 Speaker 1: am grateful for it. When it's genuine. I don't really 38 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:52,360 Speaker 1: like when it's pity. I feel when it's pity I 39 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 1: feel when it's like I couldn't imagine going through that 40 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,000 Speaker 1: like that. No one ever wants to feel like their 41 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,520 Speaker 1: particular city ration is like the worst thing anyone else 42 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,080 Speaker 1: could imagine because then it makes you feel so isolated 43 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,560 Speaker 1: in your human experience. You kind of want to feel 44 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,880 Speaker 1: like I don't want to say normal, but like it's okay, 45 00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:15,760 Speaker 1: and that other people could be going through something too. 46 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 1: So I do feel the pity makes me feel pitiful. 47 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,639 Speaker 1: But I do appreciate when people are sensitive, because there 48 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:27,440 Speaker 1: are days where I'm like, I don't wanna, like, no, 49 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,600 Speaker 1: please be sensitive with me. Yeah, so it's a I 50 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,320 Speaker 1: guess it's like a It depends on the person and 51 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:36,440 Speaker 1: their intention. I think sometimes people don't even mean it. 52 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 1: It's even like somebody and we know somebody is going 53 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:40,840 Speaker 1: through something right now. Other way, people, especially in death 54 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,560 Speaker 1: right like the way we treat people. We go to 55 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:46,560 Speaker 1: a funeral, everybody's like doesn't know what to say, and 56 00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:50,680 Speaker 1: you know, people don't have death etiquette. The humans do 57 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,720 Speaker 1: not know how to We just don't know because we 58 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,720 Speaker 1: It's like the most foreign concept to us but the 59 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:01,519 Speaker 1: most common, and it it's inevitable every single person You're 60 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,480 Speaker 1: going to die. Yes, that's what's gonna happen. There's no 61 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,120 Speaker 1: way out of here. I'm gonna have a funeral, And 62 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: the thought of it feels like a fantasy, but it's real. 63 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:12,399 Speaker 1: You know what I mean. But I just don't think 64 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:15,960 Speaker 1: that we know how to die or accept death, and 65 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,799 Speaker 1: then we don't know how to usher people in that 66 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,280 Speaker 1: transition either. What can you teach people about that have 67 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 1: experienced with the experience that you had, Like, what was 68 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 1: there anything that comes to mind that you're like, hey, 69 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,280 Speaker 1: maybe try this, you know, I think just sitting with someone, 70 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,320 Speaker 1: I felt like the people that came to just like 71 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: be with me, And sometimes I think just holding space. 72 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 1: It's hard for us because when your friend or something 73 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 1: you love is going through something, you naturally want to 74 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: fix it. And this is not something to fix, it's 75 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,560 Speaker 1: something to go through with someone. So you just roll 76 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,720 Speaker 1: with them, you sit with them, you hold space for them, 77 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 1: you hug them, you feed them. You you don't maybe 78 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 1: not try to say something that will make them feel better, 79 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 1: because it's really nothing that it makes them feel better, 80 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,839 Speaker 1: and it's not really on you. It's not on you. 81 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 1: Just hold the space for them, you know what I mean, 82 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 1: and just be there. That really helped me a lot too. It's, 83 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,560 Speaker 1: you know, one of the things one of the reasons 84 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,840 Speaker 1: I felt like when we spoke briefly about this about 85 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,400 Speaker 1: a couple of years ago, I had a car accident 86 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 1: and I had it some loss in my family, and 87 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,040 Speaker 1: it shifted how I look at life. And I thought 88 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: before that, before that year, I thought I knew everything. 89 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:25,440 Speaker 1: I'm so, I'm spiritual, I'm right, until when I got 90 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,760 Speaker 1: rocked like that, it made me realize, Oh, you don't 91 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,159 Speaker 1: know everything, and you're actually doing some things wrong, and 92 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:32,600 Speaker 1: you're gonna be uncomfortable while you're trying to figure out 93 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,159 Speaker 1: how to fix it. And so I think I fixed 94 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,599 Speaker 1: a lot of things. And I think sometimes it takes 95 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,719 Speaker 1: trauma or it takes tragedy to shift you that way. 96 00:04:41,839 --> 00:04:43,920 Speaker 1: And that's one of the reasons I thought about this podcast. 97 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,440 Speaker 1: But the truth is, why do we wait till somebody 98 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:50,119 Speaker 1: dies to think, oh, I gotta live every day? Life 99 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,640 Speaker 1: is short? My time? Is we should? We should? We 100 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,080 Speaker 1: should be reminded of that all the time, because well, 101 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,400 Speaker 1: I think the pain. I think we have fear of 102 00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,480 Speaker 1: people dying, so we don't want to face it yet 103 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,720 Speaker 1: until it's in our face. So to already have to 104 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,960 Speaker 1: you know, you know whether you have yeah, but you 105 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,120 Speaker 1: don't know till it's at your front door. I always say, 106 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:11,200 Speaker 1: the front row at the funeral is different. You know 107 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:12,920 Speaker 1: when you have to sit down, like you know, I've 108 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 1: been a lot of funerals. I've never set front row 109 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,200 Speaker 1: at one. That's different. What does that do to you? 110 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,159 Speaker 1: Shift your perspective on life? You know what I mean? 111 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,400 Speaker 1: Make you see not only that is life short, but 112 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,680 Speaker 1: that is a gift, you know, And because everyone's time 113 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:32,560 Speaker 1: is so different, what am I doing with this gift? Like, 114 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:34,760 Speaker 1: oh man, I need to accept all of it, even 115 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,640 Speaker 1: the ugly, because it is really a gift, this experience, 116 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:41,440 Speaker 1: it's a karmic experience. And that's another thing I used 117 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:44,440 Speaker 1: to hear about and not know nothing about it, you 118 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,599 Speaker 1: know what I mean. I don't you have to tell 119 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,479 Speaker 1: me because you've done a lot more work in no, 120 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 1: so I really have it. That's one where you're like 121 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:55,240 Speaker 1: with healers and all that, Well, you're on healing. You 122 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 1: might not need to, you know, everyone the path to 123 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 1: it is all different songs. You get to the end 124 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,040 Speaker 1: of it, you know what I mean, you might not 125 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,560 Speaker 1: need to do all that, or I have to do 126 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:08,680 Speaker 1: all that to find that heal everythin yourself. I needed guidance, 127 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:12,200 Speaker 1: heavy guidance still now yeah, yeah, what has been the 128 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,120 Speaker 1: best the best thing you've learned from that or that 129 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,840 Speaker 1: it's given you. One of the greatest things I've learned 130 00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:21,240 Speaker 1: that I'm still learning is that like food really helps 131 00:06:21,279 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: with depression. Really yeah, because I'm an emotional eater, so 132 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:28,440 Speaker 1: my weight fluctuates, so like I get sad and want 133 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:31,159 Speaker 1: to eat a twigs or like pizza and stuff like that, 134 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 1: but it would make me more depressed. But then I 135 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:41,800 Speaker 1: learned that when I ate like higher vibrational foods, I 136 00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:45,560 Speaker 1: didn't I wasn't so down. I wasn't so deep in 137 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,240 Speaker 1: my depression. So that's one of the things that I'm 138 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,240 Speaker 1: learning I'm still trying to apply. And just that like 139 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:55,279 Speaker 1: healing is such a up and down experience, Like it's 140 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,839 Speaker 1: not just like shoot and then I'm gonna become a 141 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:03,839 Speaker 1: fairy godmother and flyaway. I'm healed. I'm fine. No, I 142 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,719 Speaker 1: don't know if that's for anyone, you know, I've just 143 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 1: learned that it does go up and down. And sometimes 144 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 1: the shadow work is like that. To me. Shadow work 145 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,960 Speaker 1: is really so it's just like digging deep into your 146 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:21,880 Speaker 1: ego self and why you either have envy or why 147 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:25,720 Speaker 1: you have feeling to compare yourself to others, or why 148 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:30,400 Speaker 1: do you feel um, you know, depression, So digging into 149 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:35,520 Speaker 1: that shadow work, that dark side of your other self 150 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,880 Speaker 1: that's hard to face, right because I'm and then I 151 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 1: was really being on judgment, like I could look like 152 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,680 Speaker 1: I don't need that, yeah, and then I think it altogether. 153 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,160 Speaker 1: You're very quick to be like I would that I 154 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,560 Speaker 1: was so good like I wouldn't. I'm not judging a 155 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,040 Speaker 1: soul no more because I just realized in my shadow 156 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,640 Speaker 1: work that my judgment of them was my judgment of myself. 157 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,360 Speaker 1: It was just really my harsh judgment on my self. 158 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:03,440 Speaker 1: I didn't get myself no slack, but it appeared that 159 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,280 Speaker 1: it was that judgment on others. I feel like that too, 160 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,080 Speaker 1: and that's one of my things. It's like, even if 161 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,600 Speaker 1: you're going through something, why I got to be heavy 162 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:12,440 Speaker 1: or heavy about it. I'm always like, whenever I have 163 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,880 Speaker 1: I want to talk about this, and but I don't 164 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:17,800 Speaker 1: want to be heavy or heavy or like preachy or 165 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,720 Speaker 1: or soap boxy. I hate a soap Yeah yeah no, 166 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,520 Speaker 1: but I'm I'm deeper than the earth, like I'll go, well, 167 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 1: can go? Oh I'm dramatic too, so I'm like, oh, 168 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:31,280 Speaker 1: we can go all the way. Should say that like 169 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,920 Speaker 1: you are deeper than the earth. God, damn like it 170 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: wasn't he though? Yeah? Hell yeah he was. We had 171 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,520 Speaker 1: a lot of nerve. He was like a highly spiritual, 172 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,959 Speaker 1: intelligent person like he would. He was all into space 173 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,679 Speaker 1: and stuff like that. I haven't gotten there yet. What 174 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,840 Speaker 1: the funny thing about about that is that I feel 175 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,520 Speaker 1: like I know and I hate this about it, but 176 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:54,360 Speaker 1: I feel like I got to know him so much 177 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:57,360 Speaker 1: more like a lot of people did after he was gone. 178 00:08:57,559 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 1: That just means his purpose lives on, you know what 179 00:08:59,559 --> 00:09:02,280 Speaker 1: I mean. Just means his purpose did not leave with 180 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,520 Speaker 1: the body. That the spirit just kept moving. But what 181 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,720 Speaker 1: what what? What the whole world saw and kind of 182 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,720 Speaker 1: re fell in love with or fell deeper in love 183 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:15,160 Speaker 1: with after you were living that? Yeah, I think. But 184 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,640 Speaker 1: here's the thing. When someone leaves their body, then they 185 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,839 Speaker 1: become like ultra human. I was living with a human. 186 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:27,320 Speaker 1: So he was not perfect, perfect doing the right thing, 187 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,480 Speaker 1: but you know, no one is. But you know, he 188 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,520 Speaker 1: had good intentions. And I think that we are really 189 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:38,000 Speaker 1: intention is so important. We're really like kind of our 190 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,800 Speaker 1: lives are based on like our daily intentions. He had 191 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,960 Speaker 1: really getting intentions. He really meant well, and he was 192 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,920 Speaker 1: doing great work. What he was doing was not light work. 193 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,680 Speaker 1: He loved for people to be at a high level. 194 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 1: Like he was not a hater, like you know what 195 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,720 Speaker 1: I mean. And so he wasn't really in his he didn't. 196 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,840 Speaker 1: He wasn't someone that operated out to his ego in 197 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,760 Speaker 1: that space when it came to other people. Sometimes when 198 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:02,760 Speaker 1: people passed early, the signs of it earlier, this might 199 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,679 Speaker 1: be a little weird. But and then then something that 200 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 1: there you never would expect. No, I thought Hustle was Superman, 201 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,560 Speaker 1: he will live forever. I thought I was gonna go first. Really, 202 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:12,480 Speaker 1: I would always ask questions like what are you gonna 203 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,079 Speaker 1: do when I die? Like I was always so morbid, 204 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:17,839 Speaker 1: you would think that think that I thought I was 205 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,080 Speaker 1: gonna die early in my twenties because I had I 206 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:22,040 Speaker 1: don't know, I said these like crazy dreams growing up. 207 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,560 Speaker 1: So but then I had Cameron, and I was like, oh, 208 00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:26,720 Speaker 1: I guess I'm not going to pass earlier. I just 209 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,679 Speaker 1: never growing up, I didn't have such an attachment to Earth. 210 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 1: This sounds weird, but okay, I like it. I was 211 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:39,240 Speaker 1: a little weird. I didn't have an attachment. Okay, I 212 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:43,840 Speaker 1: didn't have an attachment to earth. Um, I was a unicorn. 213 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,280 Speaker 1: I don't know what the fun I was, but I 214 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:47,840 Speaker 1: didn't have an attachment. And then I had my first son. 215 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,959 Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, I guess I'll be here a 216 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,680 Speaker 1: little longer. And then life and then I like diod 217 00:10:52,679 --> 00:10:54,640 Speaker 1: things started to happen. It could have been my trauma 218 00:10:54,679 --> 00:10:57,120 Speaker 1: that I was just like over life, and then good 219 00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,440 Speaker 1: things started to happen to me, and I was like, 220 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,480 Speaker 1: all right, I like life. It's cool, you know what 221 00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:04,199 Speaker 1: I mean? Yeah? So I always had these might ask 222 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,880 Speaker 1: people hella more of a questions. I don't anymore because 223 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:12,319 Speaker 1: it just got too real. But I used to ask like, 224 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,400 Speaker 1: oh I want this song to be played at my funeral. 225 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,320 Speaker 1: Oh you would think about that a lot, girl. And 226 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 1: then one time I was in the car thinking about 227 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 1: it and the damn song played and on the radio. 228 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,040 Speaker 1: I was like, let me stop thinking about this type 229 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,000 Speaker 1: of ship, because I could be willing this ship into 230 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 1: my life. That's what I wondered. And even when I 231 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,400 Speaker 1: named this, I was worried about like if I if 232 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,760 Speaker 1: I say that all the time, does that bring it? 233 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,599 Speaker 1: I'm like no, because my intention is really it's not 234 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,280 Speaker 1: about that it's about life. It's about just reminding ourselves 235 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:39,400 Speaker 1: that our time here is limited. And so then once 236 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:40,960 Speaker 1: I kind of came to grips with that, then I 237 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,240 Speaker 1: was like, oh, it's okay. I'm not willing because you're 238 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,160 Speaker 1: not I'm not no, no, no, no no. I think 239 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 1: you're giving out information and you're also making people comfortable 240 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:53,959 Speaker 1: with a topic that we don't ever face until it's 241 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:58,560 Speaker 1: too late, until we're not prepared. We're not prepared, and 242 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,760 Speaker 1: then there's a whole other thing about it that we're 243 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:03,719 Speaker 1: not prepared for, just the dealing with it, like it's 244 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 1: just three years, it's just three years later. Tim for me, 245 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:10,320 Speaker 1: that I feel really kicks in the five years later, 246 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,360 Speaker 1: like what is that? Because you know, first you're in shot, 247 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,360 Speaker 1: and then there's a lot of attention and love around you, 248 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,839 Speaker 1: and then people get back to their lives and then 249 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,240 Speaker 1: now you're like, well, how do I get back to 250 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,720 Speaker 1: my life when it's shifted so much? And then what 251 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 1: does life look like for me now? And then you're 252 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:27,880 Speaker 1: like rebirthing. Then someone dies and now you're in a rebirth, 253 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:31,240 Speaker 1: but you're in the rebirth and that's weird. And then 254 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,240 Speaker 1: people kind of start going away people their lives and 255 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,240 Speaker 1: they start talking bad about you again. They don't give 256 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:39,559 Speaker 1: about who was talking about Sabody. No, no, no, no, 257 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 1: no anybody. No one did anything. But you know what 258 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,360 Speaker 1: I mean. They're like, oh, because do you feel like 259 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,200 Speaker 1: there's an army of people out here that want to 260 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:50,000 Speaker 1: protect you? I do. Yeah, Like you said, who did 261 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,960 Speaker 1: it right now? There would be an army of people 262 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,720 Speaker 1: that would show up for you. That makes me feel 263 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:58,480 Speaker 1: good inside. I didn't always feel like that. Yeah, I 264 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,400 Speaker 1: feel like you are definitely people want to detect you 265 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,360 Speaker 1: and people want to show you up. Even when I 266 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,640 Speaker 1: said I'm talking a law and they're like, how doing 267 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,400 Speaker 1: Everybody's like, oh, like, oh, there's like a soft like 268 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,600 Speaker 1: I don't know, because people knew I was on my 269 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:14,360 Speaker 1: way out. I was feeling like I don't know. I 270 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 1: did think about you a lot though during those times, 271 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 1: prayed for you a lot and that time. But now 272 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:20,319 Speaker 1: that you're like, and then you get to a place 273 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,920 Speaker 1: where you want to do rebirth, how are you doing that? 274 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:26,560 Speaker 1: Are you doing that? You started working again? I just 275 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 1: finished it. Yeah, I just did a whole movie. You 276 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:34,960 Speaker 1: did another, well, you did the movie Michael bh. Yeah, yeah, 277 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,640 Speaker 1: all right, and that's a great Grief also messed up 278 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,720 Speaker 1: your memo. Wasn't that the first time? That the first 279 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:44,280 Speaker 1: thing you did? But grief really strikes your memory different. 280 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,800 Speaker 1: It just like you block out a lot of things, 281 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,959 Speaker 1: you know when you're pregnant, and you're like, pregnancy brain, 282 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:55,079 Speaker 1: brief brain is real, really and still happening, still happens. 283 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,640 Speaker 1: The people will tell me about something that happened in 284 00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:01,160 Speaker 1: two thousand and sixteen, and I'm like, yeah, remember, I 285 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,080 Speaker 1: like block a lot of my old life out in 286 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 1: a weird way. Are you proud of yourself? Yeah? Why 287 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,040 Speaker 1: It's gonna sound crazy, but I'm taking like there was 288 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,400 Speaker 1: a time I couldn't even take a shower. There was 289 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,800 Speaker 1: a time I didn't even laugh, and I remember feeling 290 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:25,160 Speaker 1: so dark, Like am I ever going to laugh? You 291 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,960 Speaker 1: know what I mean? Am I ever going to something 292 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:33,880 Speaker 1: really make me chuckle genuinely? Um? And yeah I have laughed, 293 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:41,600 Speaker 1: and um, I take a lot of showers. My nails 294 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 1: are yeah, like you know what I mean? Yeah, I 295 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 1: mean I was really in a in a dark space, 296 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,920 Speaker 1: I think, and I am someone that I don't just 297 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,280 Speaker 1: feel it, I go in it. I'm just proud that 298 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:58,640 Speaker 1: I'm not where I was three years ago? What do 299 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,440 Speaker 1: you want to do? Still? Have you thought about that? Like? 300 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 1: What is the if we're talking about like our time 301 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,600 Speaker 1: is limited here, Like what do you want to do 302 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,120 Speaker 1: with the rest of that? I really want to like 303 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,720 Speaker 1: be peaceful and I would like to like give peace 304 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,480 Speaker 1: to others. It's very simple. I don't. I don't think 305 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:19,960 Speaker 1: my I don't have like these large accomplishments anymore. We're like, oh, 306 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,760 Speaker 1: I want to win an oscar, Like I don't have this. Yeah, 307 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,600 Speaker 1: but I think that was because that was like expected, 308 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 1: like that's what you're supposed to want to want to do. Um. 309 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 1: I don't know if I ever really cared. Um, But 310 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,960 Speaker 1: I think I just want to I just don't want 311 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:40,120 Speaker 1: to miss my mark, whatever God has for me to 312 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,760 Speaker 1: do on earth. In the realest way, I do not 313 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,040 Speaker 1: want to miss that mark. I just want to do 314 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:50,040 Speaker 1: that every day. So you you do you know what 315 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:53,600 Speaker 1: that mark is? I mean, I'm still figuring out. I don't. 316 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:58,000 Speaker 1: I do feel like having a good intention speaking out, 317 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:02,080 Speaker 1: you know, being kind to people. UM, not over exerting 318 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:05,840 Speaker 1: myself because then I'll be a fraud. UM. I do 319 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,960 Speaker 1: think that a lot of my work now might not 320 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,000 Speaker 1: be in front of the camera. It might be behind 321 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:14,920 Speaker 1: the camera and encouraging someone else in front of the camera. Um, 322 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:19,200 Speaker 1: I want to be more creative behind the scenes. Is 323 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:22,160 Speaker 1: there anything you don't want to do that maybe you 324 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 1: used to do carpets? Deep? Yeah, I don't really want 325 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,680 Speaker 1: to walk those no more. Damn If you could live 326 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,760 Speaker 1: your life perfectly never again, never again, or work out 327 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:45,040 Speaker 1: feeling to pick up a damn way for you child, 328 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:49,000 Speaker 1: I would be sitting up there chilling in the mountains. 329 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:52,880 Speaker 1: But yeah, I mean, I'm I'm I am grateful of 330 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:57,240 Speaker 1: the jobs that I recently just did. They were really good. Yeah. 331 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:02,840 Speaker 1: I just did this movie with Ken Barris, Eddie Murphy, Long, 332 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:08,800 Speaker 1: Jonah Hill, who's my new best friend. I love funny. Yeah, yeah, 333 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,639 Speaker 1: he's awesome. Uh yeah, No, it was a It was 334 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,359 Speaker 1: a really good film. And it was the first time 335 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,359 Speaker 1: I ever did a movie outside or without remorse, where 336 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,320 Speaker 1: like I didn't feel the pressure of having to like 337 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,240 Speaker 1: be a certain way. I just showed up. What is 338 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,879 Speaker 1: that normally? How you feel like you? Yeah, well, you 339 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,560 Speaker 1: know you're just gonna make sure your lines are perfect. 340 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:28,760 Speaker 1: You just want to make sure you're perfect. You have 341 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,280 Speaker 1: all this pressure of like being perfect, and I was 342 00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:33,760 Speaker 1: just an observer. I just watched and I was just 343 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,919 Speaker 1: a part of the experience. I didn't I wasn't in 344 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,159 Speaker 1: my head about it, and that was new for me. 345 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,200 Speaker 1: Do you feel like having had gone through such a 346 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:46,840 Speaker 1: trauma and tragedy, like there's something also beautiful that you get? Yeah? Yeah, 347 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 1: I think so. I'm just more present as a mom, 348 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,919 Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And I have this like 349 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:57,000 Speaker 1: freedom of just focusing on them in my relationship with God, 350 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:01,160 Speaker 1: Like that's it, That is it. What do you pray 351 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,879 Speaker 1: foremost peace? Oh? My God, I pray for a piece 352 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:09,920 Speaker 1: a lot, all twenty for seven peace and protection. Those 353 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,840 Speaker 1: are really important for me, for you, for your family, 354 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:18,160 Speaker 1: for my family, for my family. What about anger? No, 355 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:21,760 Speaker 1: And that's the thing I wasn't. I'm not angry. I'm 356 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:26,439 Speaker 1: not angry as much as I am like m you 357 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,359 Speaker 1: know what I mean. I never had no point. Of 358 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:32,719 Speaker 1: course it does, and you know, it gets I get 359 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,800 Speaker 1: agitated with people easier um or I feel like it 360 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:41,240 Speaker 1: came disguised as control. Now I have like strong control 361 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,320 Speaker 1: issues that I'm working through. I have to control of 362 00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:47,080 Speaker 1: your little thing in a weird way because maybe I 363 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:52,680 Speaker 1: don't want to be angry or surprised, but that could drumatized, 364 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,720 Speaker 1: but that could be underneath that sadness. Clearly is anger, 365 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:59,640 Speaker 1: but it hasn't showed up how it used to. We're 366 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:04,359 Speaker 1: for me used to like ready to fight? Who was 367 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 1: you fighting? Oh? My god? Myself? Mostly but you know 368 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:12,080 Speaker 1: what I mean, anything anybody like anything would piss me 369 00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:14,680 Speaker 1: off and I'd be like, well, what were we gonna 370 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,480 Speaker 1: do with it? You want to fight? No? Like, you 371 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,280 Speaker 1: know what I mean? That was always my instead of 372 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,159 Speaker 1: like talking things out, I'd be like, are we fighting? No? 373 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:24,600 Speaker 1: So shut you know what I mean? Relationship to combative 374 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,560 Speaker 1: in your relationship and I'm not fighting in my relationship physically, 375 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,760 Speaker 1: but am my combative? I think I used to have 376 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,640 Speaker 1: a really smartass mouth. Yeah I could see that. I could. 377 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,880 Speaker 1: Don't think I was always uh. I always say I'm 378 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,520 Speaker 1: not good for the male ego. I'm not I'm not 379 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,720 Speaker 1: the I'm not the partner for if you have an 380 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,760 Speaker 1: ego that needs to be stroked. I'm not your girl chicken, 381 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:49,240 Speaker 1: because I'm giving all truth. I'm truth down like not 382 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,440 Speaker 1: so much, you know what I mean? And I think 383 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:55,879 Speaker 1: it makes me a good friend. Because it's honest. Yeah, 384 00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:57,880 Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I'm gonna keep it real 385 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,080 Speaker 1: with you because I want you to be your highest 386 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:05,480 Speaker 1: you know. And I'm so honest with my damn kids, 387 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,520 Speaker 1: my poor kids. But that makes them trust me, you 388 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,480 Speaker 1: know what I mean, That makes them and that makes 389 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:14,520 Speaker 1: me trust them. How are they doing? You know? There 390 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 1: shows up in different ways. Um, and I'm sure you 391 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:21,320 Speaker 1: know kids don't they internalize everything until they get in 392 00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:25,040 Speaker 1: their teams. I'm sure you know. I'm trying my best 393 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:28,320 Speaker 1: to help them cultivate how to deal with their emotions 394 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:32,199 Speaker 1: as best as I can the therapy and you know, 395 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,800 Speaker 1: I try to be an example. So like they see 396 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:37,960 Speaker 1: me meditate, you know, we go on, they come with 397 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,320 Speaker 1: me to my spiritual retreats. Yeah you know what i mean, 398 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:45,280 Speaker 1: because well they're really young still, I'm sure camras over 399 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,240 Speaker 1: it or like any type of like church or anything 400 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,879 Speaker 1: that I do that feel feeds my soul. I share 401 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,440 Speaker 1: with them because I feel like I don't know how 402 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,840 Speaker 1: where they're gonna go with their life. But as long 403 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:57,680 Speaker 1: as they have the tools on, Like you know, I 404 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:00,679 Speaker 1: remember my mom was angry or as she did this, 405 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,240 Speaker 1: let me try that. So I'm just you know, they're 406 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:07,680 Speaker 1: doing great, much better now. Yeah, And I just love 407 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:13,000 Speaker 1: on them so hard, so hard. They're so cute, but 408 00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:16,720 Speaker 1: they're really dope, Like they're really I'm you guys are 409 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:20,520 Speaker 1: my favorite human beings on planets. I love that. Are 410 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,119 Speaker 1: they showing signs of what they want to be and 411 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,520 Speaker 1: what they want to do? Yeah? So Cam wraps really well. 412 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,000 Speaker 1: But I don't know if he wants to do it 413 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,840 Speaker 1: because I think it comes too easy for him. Um. 414 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:34,399 Speaker 1: I mean, he like freestyles like crazy, um, and he 415 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,600 Speaker 1: can make his own songs, and he's really good with 416 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,879 Speaker 1: numbers and math, and he wants to be like a 417 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:44,560 Speaker 1: finance guy. He's like it was like, I'm gonna be 418 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:48,320 Speaker 1: he know, he loves he loves numbers. Um. And I 419 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,240 Speaker 1: think Cross just wants to be Spider Man right now. 420 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:55,919 Speaker 1: We don't know yet. And what to tell them about that? 421 00:21:56,320 --> 00:22:00,159 Speaker 1: You talk to them? Well, I had to. I was 422 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 1: the one who had to break the news to them, 423 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,640 Speaker 1: so I yeah, so, but no one could have done 424 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,760 Speaker 1: that for me. I had to do that. Um. Nobody 425 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:12,119 Speaker 1: prepares you for that, no, no, even though you know 426 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:17,960 Speaker 1: in my previous years I went to a seminar by death. 427 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:25,400 Speaker 1: Oh I know, yeah, why I have a friend. Why 428 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,320 Speaker 1: were you there? And what did you learn? I learned 429 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:31,720 Speaker 1: that no one really dies, and that you know, it's 430 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:35,360 Speaker 1: just an experience in the physical form, and we're attached 431 00:22:35,359 --> 00:22:38,040 Speaker 1: to our personalities, but that we're just souls and that 432 00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:41,080 Speaker 1: we continue and continue and continue. And if you have 433 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:44,880 Speaker 1: a spiritual relationship with someone on Earth, you will have 434 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,840 Speaker 1: one with them when you leave Earth. Um. So I 435 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:50,080 Speaker 1: did this like two days seminar on depth. So this 436 00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:52,960 Speaker 1: was how long ago I had to be like, what 437 00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:56,840 Speaker 1: sent you there? Um? Do you find that weird? Though 438 00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,639 Speaker 1: I'm weird. No, it's not weird that you would go. 439 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,600 Speaker 1: It's just it's almost like you were preparing yourself for 440 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,359 Speaker 1: what you would have to I told you I didn't 441 00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:07,160 Speaker 1: have such a connection to Earth at a young age. 442 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:08,959 Speaker 1: I know, But you don't find that as like you 443 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:11,080 Speaker 1: were preparing yourself for what you were going to have 444 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:12,520 Speaker 1: to deal with that we're all going to have to 445 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:17,240 Speaker 1: deal with, all right, very well, that solid point, you 446 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,560 Speaker 1: know what I mean? It's not just me like we 447 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,600 Speaker 1: all think you'll go through it. Um, the point of 448 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:26,800 Speaker 1: this conversation, right, Yes, sorry, I forgot, even I forget 449 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,639 Speaker 1: sometimes this is going to happen to every single human. 450 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,800 Speaker 1: It is why were you so aware of that? And 451 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:35,919 Speaker 1: what even sent you there? In a little bit of 452 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:40,600 Speaker 1: a fanatic about truth? So if it's something I love truth, 453 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:43,600 Speaker 1: um so I think I just I'm telling you. I 454 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,120 Speaker 1: did a lot of like spiritual work as a young 455 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:50,119 Speaker 1: girl because I had a pretty traumatic childhood that I 456 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:53,200 Speaker 1: needed to get some peace. Now this is my second trauma, 457 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:56,720 Speaker 1: and this is my second quest for a deeper spiritual understanding. 458 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,280 Speaker 1: So now I was like reading all the books, but 459 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,560 Speaker 1: now I'm applying in all the books. So yeah, I 460 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,399 Speaker 1: did this seminar. I went to this conference with this 461 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:07,919 Speaker 1: a friend of mine who actually is an intuitive and 462 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,480 Speaker 1: um it gave me a better concept of it. It 463 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,480 Speaker 1: didn't totally prepare me, because I don't think anything could 464 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,960 Speaker 1: really prepare you for that, but it gave me language 465 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:21,480 Speaker 1: to talk to my kids about until I say the 466 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,760 Speaker 1: words transitioned. And you know I always say that, like 467 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:29,480 Speaker 1: you know, Daddy is everywhere, and you know he feels us. 468 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:31,880 Speaker 1: We feel him at any time there's something you want 469 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,879 Speaker 1: to say, you might not hear him, but she'll feel 470 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,400 Speaker 1: it and follow that guidance and write letters and talk 471 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,919 Speaker 1: to him or you know stuff like that. Do you 472 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:44,280 Speaker 1: feel like empathetic to other people who kind of go 473 00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:47,639 Speaker 1: through things? Now? I consider myself to be like a 474 00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:51,200 Speaker 1: super empathic EmPATH, like almost that. I have to work 475 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:56,040 Speaker 1: on it too, because I feel sometimes a little too 476 00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:58,160 Speaker 1: much for people. That's your power and if you calm 477 00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,520 Speaker 1: it down, then your intuition won't be so high. So 478 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,520 Speaker 1: don't calm it down. Yeah, but it doesn't really serve 479 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:07,159 Speaker 1: if lesson. If three people in the room are down, yeah, sir, 480 00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:09,240 Speaker 1: for you to go down, you're going to go down 481 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,000 Speaker 1: with them. But that's really good. You're impact because that 482 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:15,280 Speaker 1: means you're really intuitive. I think we should all be empathetic. Yeah, 483 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,159 Speaker 1: but some of us aren't that touched with other people's 484 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,359 Speaker 1: energy because we're too much in our own. But you 485 00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:23,720 Speaker 1: don't think consuming other people's energy could sometimes not be 486 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,600 Speaker 1: You have to learn to like this is what I'm 487 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:28,159 Speaker 1: working Okay, got it? I can't. I can't. You know, 488 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:31,520 Speaker 1: my friends like going through I can't go down? Yeah, 489 00:25:32,359 --> 00:25:37,400 Speaker 1: hear you? Yea, that's your practice. Then it's so hard. Yeah. See, 490 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:41,200 Speaker 1: I don't have that issue. I wish I did, know 491 00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:44,679 Speaker 1: you don't. I mean, of course I have like compassion. No, 492 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:47,720 Speaker 1: but I mean I wish that. I guess I am, 493 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,480 Speaker 1: and I guess I am. I do pick up my 494 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,640 Speaker 1: energy really well, but I do know how to shake 495 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:57,680 Speaker 1: other people's energy off fast. That's good, especially especially in 496 00:25:57,800 --> 00:25:59,520 Speaker 1: this town. I was thinking about you when I landed. 497 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,400 Speaker 1: I was like, either you like Nipsy's everywhere you know 498 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:06,560 Speaker 1: there are murals there is like oh yeah, no, it's 499 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:09,160 Speaker 1: not easy, I think I thought. I wonder if Lauren 500 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,680 Speaker 1: has ever thought about moving or does she enjoy me. 501 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:15,119 Speaker 1: I want to move all the time. I just know 502 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:17,960 Speaker 1: it's not the right time for my family if I live. 503 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,040 Speaker 1: You also love l A. I love it. It's tattooed 504 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,760 Speaker 1: on me to the death of me. I love l A. 505 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 1: But it's too heavy for me right now. Yeah, everywhere 506 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,960 Speaker 1: you go right not even just I mean it's not 507 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,560 Speaker 1: even that because he's everywhere. He's in my house everywhere, 508 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:37,000 Speaker 1: and I sleep and wake up with him on my mind, 509 00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:40,000 Speaker 1: so I'm in it, um. But it's just that l 510 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:43,080 Speaker 1: A feels really heavy. It feels heavy for me, And 511 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:47,760 Speaker 1: you would say, but I'm staying put right now. Yeah, 512 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,560 Speaker 1: And then I just don't think it's like a good 513 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 1: time for like the rest of the our family that 514 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,520 Speaker 1: loves us and wants to make sure they have a 515 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,399 Speaker 1: close eye on us. And you know, but yeah, I 516 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:02,159 Speaker 1: would go to the desert it And what would you 517 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:07,720 Speaker 1: do in the desert, Lauren, I don't know, A nice 518 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:12,760 Speaker 1: a real nice hut, a glamorous luxury hat. And we 519 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:16,320 Speaker 1: still need our still need our comfort. Now I would 520 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,600 Speaker 1: I don't know, I would just be I think still 521 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:22,000 Speaker 1: could you really? Because we say that absolutely without doubt, 522 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:25,120 Speaker 1: really without a doubt. I don't know why I don't 523 00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:28,280 Speaker 1: believe you. I don't know why you don't because because 524 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,320 Speaker 1: I still feel like you have one foot in where 525 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,440 Speaker 1: you're like you still love I would imagine you still 526 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,240 Speaker 1: love what you do. Like do you still love acting? 527 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:38,240 Speaker 1: I do love acting. I don't like the politics with acting. Okay, 528 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:40,159 Speaker 1: oh the business of it. I don't like the business 529 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:44,280 Speaker 1: of it, but I love action. And then you say 530 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,920 Speaker 1: I love that. I love that. But this is why 531 00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:50,199 Speaker 1: I say, you still have one foot in. But I 532 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,080 Speaker 1: could like, come and do that and go back. Yes, 533 00:27:53,119 --> 00:27:55,960 Speaker 1: that you could do, but you don't want to give up? 534 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:01,800 Speaker 1: What are you doing? Just one with? No? I sometimes 535 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,760 Speaker 1: do you want to disappear? But I don't think that's 536 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,520 Speaker 1: a part of my calling, you know what I mean. 537 00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:11,200 Speaker 1: I think i'd be Yeah, I think i'd be selfish, 538 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,919 Speaker 1: and I think then I wouldn't be complete. But the 539 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:18,760 Speaker 1: selfish side of me would love to disappear sometimes sometimes 540 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,280 Speaker 1: do you do things for yourself like that? Do you do? 541 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:24,040 Speaker 1: They have to force me out, that's right. And then 542 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:25,640 Speaker 1: now I guess I have a reputation that I don't 543 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:28,600 Speaker 1: go nowhere because I'm like, no one invites me anywhere. 544 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:33,320 Speaker 1: Come on, guys, Come on, guys, I'm gonna say it. 545 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:38,000 Speaker 1: They don't invite me nowhere always invites me. Thank you, 546 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:40,440 Speaker 1: bet y'all make me feel seen in essence, Thank you all. 547 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:43,800 Speaker 1: But and nobody else. They don't invite me nowhere because 548 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,480 Speaker 1: you know, Yann says, because I don't go nowhere, Well, 549 00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:50,760 Speaker 1: because you have to be they have to remember, I know, 550 00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:55,040 Speaker 1: I know, but yeah, that's what happens. Legacy. Do you 551 00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:57,920 Speaker 1: ever think about yours? Yes? What is it? What is what? 552 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:05,320 Speaker 1: Do you? I would love to leave generational wealth for 553 00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:12,120 Speaker 1: my grandkids, and I would like to leave a sweet 554 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:15,120 Speaker 1: have a sweet place in everyone's heart that I met. 555 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:19,880 Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. Because people look at you and they see 556 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:23,120 Speaker 1: Nepsy Forever. Right, do you have a responsibility or do 557 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:27,760 Speaker 1: you put that responsibility on yourself to kind of almost 558 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:31,520 Speaker 1: like rep his legacy or I mean especially for my son, 559 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,400 Speaker 1: you know what I mean. We we share a five 560 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:38,720 Speaker 1: year old, so yeah, I have to um. But I'm 561 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:45,880 Speaker 1: very big on integrity and honor naturally, So I'm gonna 562 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:49,000 Speaker 1: always intend to hold myself up and and have integrity 563 00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:51,320 Speaker 1: and what I do, and honor and what I do, 564 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:56,160 Speaker 1: and you know, try to always thinking about like what 565 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:58,720 Speaker 1: would Hustle do if it was me? So I just 566 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:03,040 Speaker 1: try to maintain that what he would do. He feels like, 567 00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:05,200 Speaker 1: like what would Hustle do? I feel like the marathon 568 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:07,800 Speaker 1: store should have a what would Hustle do? Yeah? Sure, 569 00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 1: I'm always thinking like what will Hustle do in this situation? 570 00:30:12,320 --> 00:30:14,880 Speaker 1: That's amazing. I asked you that because I think some 571 00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:19,080 Speaker 1: people could get lost in somebody else's legacy, you know 572 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,240 Speaker 1: what I mean, when you're connected to somebody so strong 573 00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:23,200 Speaker 1: and people look to you for that. He would never 574 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,760 Speaker 1: want me to do that. He would never want me 575 00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,120 Speaker 1: to do that. It's so many conversations we had about 576 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:32,600 Speaker 1: my own destiny, my own marathon, you know, He's always 577 00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,400 Speaker 1: be like Bill, you got you your own, You're the 578 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:36,440 Speaker 1: one you gotta like. You know, he would hype me 579 00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:39,440 Speaker 1: up so much, like he would never want me to 580 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:45,040 Speaker 1: just get lost in his purpose and miss my mark 581 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:49,040 Speaker 1: whatever that is, big or small. He wouldn't want that, 582 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:51,360 Speaker 1: Like I wouldn't want that for anybody. I wanted my 583 00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:54,520 Speaker 1: kids to be caught up behind me either. You know, 584 00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:57,640 Speaker 1: a very easy mistake for people to be well, yeah, 585 00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,600 Speaker 1: because you also feel like you know you you're still 586 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:03,240 Speaker 1: attacked to them, but a lot of your own purpose 587 00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:07,440 Speaker 1: and living in your truth makes you more connected to them, 588 00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:09,000 Speaker 1: you know what I mean? The very thing we're afraid 589 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:12,840 Speaker 1: to do is what keeps us away. What's on your 590 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:15,720 Speaker 1: bucket list? Do you have something one thing you want 591 00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:20,640 Speaker 1: to do living on an astronom for like a year 592 00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:24,800 Speaker 1: and devote like a very monk style life for a 593 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,760 Speaker 1: year year? And what do you what is that? What 594 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:33,360 Speaker 1: would that entail? Um? Just like devote to when you 595 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:36,680 Speaker 1: because I'm deeper than the earth, No, I would just 596 00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:41,880 Speaker 1: like to like spend time only devoting to God in nature. 597 00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:44,920 Speaker 1: I want to like get that deep within myself for 598 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:50,080 Speaker 1: a year. Yes, yes, what and then like all this 599 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:53,200 Speaker 1: like natural food and then like go to the waterfall 600 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:57,880 Speaker 1: and shower in the waterfall, and just I could do 601 00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:01,200 Speaker 1: that for two weeks strong. Really, I would imagine what 602 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,760 Speaker 1: a year does to you. You probably never come back 603 00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:08,400 Speaker 1: the same. Is that what you want? Because like, would 604 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:11,320 Speaker 1: you want to not come back the same? I feel 605 00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:13,840 Speaker 1: like it might be the joke I need one day. 606 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:16,560 Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I just am like a big student 607 00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:20,080 Speaker 1: on truth, like I want to know, especially after this happened. 608 00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:21,760 Speaker 1: I'm just like, Okay, God, I don't want to know 609 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 1: a lot of your mysteries. I mean, that's a beautiful 610 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:28,360 Speaker 1: thing though on my relationship with God. And I remember 611 00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:30,200 Speaker 1: hearing people to say, you know, you don't really have 612 00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:34,719 Speaker 1: a relationship to you question God? And I had a 613 00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:40,320 Speaker 1: lot of questions afterwards, real ones, you want to share anything. 614 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:44,800 Speaker 1: I just was like, you know, I pray really hard 615 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:47,200 Speaker 1: when I heard he had got shot, and so then 616 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,800 Speaker 1: I felt like, oh then my prayer, My prayer didn't work. 617 00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:54,280 Speaker 1: So prayer didn't work. So then I was like, what's 618 00:32:54,280 --> 00:33:00,600 Speaker 1: really going on? Why? How I feel like God um 619 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:02,800 Speaker 1: dropped the ball on me. That's how I felt. It 620 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,720 Speaker 1: took it real personal, and then I started to feel like, 621 00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:10,160 Speaker 1: why not you? Why not you? Girl? Who are you? 622 00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:15,160 Speaker 1: Women go through this daily? Why not you? And so 623 00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:16,920 Speaker 1: then I had to get out of my ego and 624 00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:22,080 Speaker 1: then my relationship started. Oh oh, I just felt something 625 00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:24,920 Speaker 1: when you said that quot a little yeah you did. 626 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:32,920 Speaker 1: Something is happened that I'm telling you. That's crazy. It's 627 00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:37,760 Speaker 1: called this truth and like confirmation. I like when spirit 628 00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:41,640 Speaker 1: confirms there's something you said earlier in this that I 629 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:43,480 Speaker 1: don't know it will stick with me forever because I 630 00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:46,280 Speaker 1: never really thought about it. You said earlier about you 631 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:49,200 Speaker 1: stand in front row at a funeral, and I do 632 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:52,360 Speaker 1: remember watch because I wasn't there at service. I watched 633 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:54,760 Speaker 1: that on TV and you came out with your kids, 634 00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:57,560 Speaker 1: and I don't know if everybody when you came out, 635 00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:01,520 Speaker 1: everybody was like does everybody had been feeling for you 636 00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:05,680 Speaker 1: so strongly and yeah, and you seemed I don't know, 637 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:10,239 Speaker 1: just like so regal and so did you feel that way? 638 00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:17,719 Speaker 1: You look so put together and just felt like it 639 00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:24,359 Speaker 1: was surreal and I felt like I was. I can 640 00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:27,080 Speaker 1: honestly say I was. A guy was carrying me through that. 641 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:29,360 Speaker 1: That wasn't me, That was all God, because there was 642 00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:30,680 Speaker 1: no way I didn't want to get dressed. I was 643 00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:37,840 Speaker 1: gonna wear sweats and you really, somebody, I'm getting somebody 644 00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:42,440 Speaker 1: pull you aside. Somebody pulled me aside? Um Puff really 645 00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:46,120 Speaker 1: Puff holm Aside was like, look, but you have showed 646 00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:48,720 Speaker 1: everybody would it looks like to hold a man down 647 00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:51,719 Speaker 1: and to love them? Now show them what it looks 648 00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:55,759 Speaker 1: like when it all crumbles. That's show responsibility. I hope 649 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:58,399 Speaker 1: he doesn't mind me sharing that. But Puff was small, 650 00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:01,920 Speaker 1: you know, he's like a real brother. He spent through 651 00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:04,759 Speaker 1: a lot of loss too, right, So he was like, 652 00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:08,080 Speaker 1: you get you know, you show up because he heard 653 00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,399 Speaker 1: I guess I don't know who was somebody called Puff. 654 00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:15,319 Speaker 1: Somebody called Puff somebody and your family. And I was like, 655 00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:19,400 Speaker 1: I'm wearing whatever. I'm not supposed to this now, you know. 656 00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:21,360 Speaker 1: I was like giving that, and so he was like, no, 657 00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:25,200 Speaker 1: show show up, show up with your head up. So 658 00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:27,760 Speaker 1: I really think God just carried me through that because 659 00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:31,840 Speaker 1: I don't know how. I don't know how. I stood 660 00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:34,680 Speaker 1: on two feet like you got up that day you 661 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:38,120 Speaker 1: had your hair done. I was just there. I was 662 00:35:38,160 --> 00:35:39,719 Speaker 1: just there. It was like I was floating through it. 663 00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:44,840 Speaker 1: I was legit. I don't remember half of it, and 664 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:51,160 Speaker 1: when do you come back? When it was like all done, 665 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:55,480 Speaker 1: like it was over. It was over, and everybody went 666 00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:59,040 Speaker 1: back to their lives and they faded to black. Then 667 00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:04,080 Speaker 1: they didn't got real and I was like, oh, ship 668 00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:07,840 Speaker 1: you in this. It's like it's a tunnel, baby, and 669 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,319 Speaker 1: you gotta walk through. It's no shortcuts out. You can't 670 00:36:10,320 --> 00:36:13,799 Speaker 1: turn back around because it's nothing back there, and all 671 00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:16,600 Speaker 1: you see is pitch black ahead. You don't know how 672 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:18,880 Speaker 1: long this tunnel is, and ain't nobody else any with 673 00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:24,879 Speaker 1: you. You You hear some people, but you can't see him. 674 00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:29,480 Speaker 1: Do you ever want to give up? Yes? In those moments? 675 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:32,080 Speaker 1: Do you think about that? Yeah? I do? But then 676 00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:35,600 Speaker 1: I also feel like my kids deserve happiness, And I 677 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:39,839 Speaker 1: always like my kids deserve a very happy mom. They 678 00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:43,880 Speaker 1: deserve joy. Why would I rob them of that? You know? 679 00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:47,560 Speaker 1: So that gets me up? M hm. And they seem 680 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:50,880 Speaker 1: like they have joy. They seem like Cam loves when 681 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:52,200 Speaker 1: I go to work. He's like, you're going to work. 682 00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:55,080 Speaker 1: You got a job. I'm like, somebody, please give me 683 00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:57,600 Speaker 1: a job for him because it just don't ever. He 684 00:36:57,800 --> 00:36:59,919 Speaker 1: loves when I'm at work because it makes him feel 685 00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:03,080 Speaker 1: our old life you know what I mean. It makes 686 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:06,919 Speaker 1: him feel like she's moving, like life is happening. Because 687 00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:09,880 Speaker 1: did you let them see you dark like when you 688 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:16,120 Speaker 1: and that? Did they? Yeah? It was real and I 689 00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:19,359 Speaker 1: was very honest with them. This this is life. I'm 690 00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:22,279 Speaker 1: not going to pretend this don't exist. This is sadness 691 00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:24,560 Speaker 1: some people, some people might know. I mean, it's just 692 00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:27,680 Speaker 1: I think it's just a choice in parenting. You know, 693 00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:31,840 Speaker 1: I'm very transparent my kids because you know, I don't 694 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:37,400 Speaker 1: want them to have a false reality of life, you 695 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:38,680 Speaker 1: know what I mean. I want them to be like 696 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:44,239 Speaker 1: strapped up and ready to go. Where are you If 697 00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:45,520 Speaker 1: you don't want to answer this or you don't like 698 00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:48,680 Speaker 1: the question, to throw it away, but where you would love? 699 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:54,839 Speaker 1: Oh this doesn't bother me because, um, here's the thing. 700 00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:58,120 Speaker 1: I have another perspective on relationships, and you don't want 701 00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:01,520 Speaker 1: to have that conversation with me. Okay. I think a 702 00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:03,120 Speaker 1: lot of them are ego driven and they're not pure. 703 00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:07,960 Speaker 1: So why would I take myself in this vulnerable stay 704 00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:09,920 Speaker 1: into my ego and I'm trying to get out of it. 705 00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:14,799 Speaker 1: I'm in death of the ego space? Why do I 706 00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:20,080 Speaker 1: need another? Why does that make my life complete, I'll 707 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:22,280 Speaker 1: never get married. Does that mean I'm not on purpose? 708 00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:26,200 Speaker 1: I need you to. I'm gonna get a lot of 709 00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:27,879 Speaker 1: slack for this one because I have a whole thing 710 00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:30,200 Speaker 1: about it. No I need to know is that's not 711 00:38:30,239 --> 00:38:35,320 Speaker 1: a small thing to drop like because relationships are hard, 712 00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:40,000 Speaker 1: absolutely right, and so mine was. It was very hard. 713 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:42,000 Speaker 1: Hell yeah, because we make it like a fantasy in 714 00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,319 Speaker 1: our heads. You guys had the perfect relationship with you 715 00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:48,799 Speaker 1: on the horse. We had pure love. We have pure love, 716 00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:50,640 Speaker 1: But that does not mean that we were not human 717 00:38:50,680 --> 00:38:54,279 Speaker 1: and our egos and not get attached into aspects of 718 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:57,799 Speaker 1: our relationship. But we definitely have pure love. But you 719 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:02,720 Speaker 1: had enough intention to probably like die sexual always good intention. 720 00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:06,160 Speaker 1: But break that down for people about relationships and ego 721 00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:10,360 Speaker 1: and because some people probably don't don't even think about that. No, 722 00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:13,480 Speaker 1: and I didn't think about it until I wasn't in 723 00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:21,120 Speaker 1: relationship anymore because of the death right. A lot of times, 724 00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:24,239 Speaker 1: not all the time, we are in such of a 725 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,920 Speaker 1: in our ego that we are in possession of another person. 726 00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:33,319 Speaker 1: We're not experiencing them, we're not totally loving them and 727 00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:35,400 Speaker 1: letting them be free. We think we're supposed to be 728 00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:40,719 Speaker 1: together forever, and that's not a spiritual relationship. Spiritual relationship 729 00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:44,759 Speaker 1: is without the ego. It is we are together. I 730 00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:48,439 Speaker 1: bring you up, inspire you, you inspire me. Now if 731 00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:53,440 Speaker 1: it ever comes a point where I am not inspired anymore, 732 00:39:53,440 --> 00:39:55,120 Speaker 1: and that now I'm in my ego, now I feel 733 00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:57,840 Speaker 1: I need to possess you. Now, I feel the need 734 00:39:58,280 --> 00:40:02,400 Speaker 1: to control you in your mind. I'm in my ego 735 00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:06,880 Speaker 1: and that's not love it there's love in there. But 736 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:08,920 Speaker 1: now I'm operating more in my ego and not in 737 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:12,640 Speaker 1: my pure love. And I can say this because I 738 00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:19,040 Speaker 1: operated from these spaces before. Absolutely you mind, he can nobody, 739 00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:22,240 Speaker 1: You know what I mean, but that nobody is yours. 740 00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:26,040 Speaker 1: Unless the agreement is that we're gonna be. We're gonna 741 00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:32,040 Speaker 1: experience Earth a little bit longer than some right, I 742 00:40:32,239 --> 00:40:38,320 Speaker 1: just don't feel the need to participate in my ego 743 00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:43,960 Speaker 1: and someone else and there's anymore. And I've experienced pure love. 744 00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:46,600 Speaker 1: I am not without pure love. I might not ever 745 00:40:46,719 --> 00:40:52,719 Speaker 1: be married, but I experienced pure love, and that's what 746 00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:58,560 Speaker 1: you ex I got that. I got to see that 747 00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:04,919 Speaker 1: on earth. I don't need to do that again. I'd 748 00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:09,640 Speaker 1: like to feel enlightenment with God now. Like I said, 749 00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:13,400 Speaker 1: I don't know when I'm fifty, sixty, seventy, but thirty seven, 750 00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:18,120 Speaker 1: I'm good. I'm good. I don't want it. I don't 751 00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:19,919 Speaker 1: want know. How did you get that with Nip? How 752 00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:22,239 Speaker 1: did you put ego inside? I did. I didn't get 753 00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:25,359 Speaker 1: to do it when Nip was here. I didn't get 754 00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:27,600 Speaker 1: to do it when he was here. I was very 755 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:32,359 Speaker 1: much in my control and my I love you so much. 756 00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:35,560 Speaker 1: I want to just hold on to you forever. Then 757 00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:38,800 Speaker 1: life happened. Then it's like you can't hold on forever. 758 00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:43,480 Speaker 1: Then I had to learn how to have a spiritual relationship. 759 00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:45,759 Speaker 1: Then I had to dig deep in than myself. But 760 00:41:45,880 --> 00:41:48,799 Speaker 1: I mean we It wasn't always. I wasn't always so 761 00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:52,560 Speaker 1: in my fear of losing him, because that's nothing. We're getting. 762 00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:56,960 Speaker 1: Our fear of losing this relationship, this connection, what our 763 00:41:57,040 --> 00:42:00,680 Speaker 1: life looked like together. That then we just hold onto 764 00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:03,360 Speaker 1: it so tight it ends up slipping out anyway, you 765 00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:05,680 Speaker 1: know what I mean? I said, I lost myself in 766 00:42:05,719 --> 00:42:08,080 Speaker 1: a lot of aspects of my relationship, But it didn't. 767 00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:10,200 Speaker 1: I wasn't all. I didn't start like that. It was 768 00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:13,920 Speaker 1: very pure good intention. We loved each other right and 769 00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:17,239 Speaker 1: we loved each other till the end of time. But 770 00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:21,799 Speaker 1: I was still human and I didn't learn that part 771 00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:25,799 Speaker 1: of myself yet. I didn't know I had that possession 772 00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:27,719 Speaker 1: and like, oh, I love you so much. Please only 773 00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:31,120 Speaker 1: that's a good reminder for people to just check themselves. 774 00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:35,960 Speaker 1: I mean, it's really hard to learn. Can you be 775 00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:39,960 Speaker 1: because you could do that now in retrospect, but can 776 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:42,640 Speaker 1: you do that in actual real life? Not you? But 777 00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:45,200 Speaker 1: I'm just I don't know, and I don't want to know. 778 00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:48,759 Speaker 1: To see my point, I'm cool, like I don't even 779 00:42:48,760 --> 00:42:52,000 Speaker 1: know if I want to practice that. It's hard. It's 780 00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:53,839 Speaker 1: really hard, you know what I mean? And I think, 781 00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:56,560 Speaker 1: you know, I do believe in love. I think love 782 00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:59,799 Speaker 1: is beautiful and like I said, I experience pure love 783 00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:03,040 Speaker 1: on earth for real. I can, like right hand a guy, 784 00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:07,160 Speaker 1: I loved him with every inch of the soul, and 785 00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:09,680 Speaker 1: I believe he did the same. I just you know, 786 00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:12,919 Speaker 1: I think moving forward on earth for me is about God, 787 00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:15,880 Speaker 1: me and God, me and my kids, you know, making 788 00:43:15,880 --> 00:43:19,840 Speaker 1: them stable. What am I supposed to do here? You 789 00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:21,799 Speaker 1: know what I mean? How deep am I to go here? 790 00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:23,960 Speaker 1: I'm just I just want to do that. I think 791 00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:26,080 Speaker 1: that's fascinating for people to look at and think about 792 00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:28,200 Speaker 1: in their own relationship because we all do that, right 793 00:43:28,200 --> 00:43:31,040 Speaker 1: we all. You probably even do it to some extent. 794 00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:33,080 Speaker 1: I don't know if you do because you had this 795 00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:35,480 Speaker 1: experience in enlightening, but we probably even do that with 796 00:43:35,520 --> 00:43:40,040 Speaker 1: our kids for sure. I'm like, wait, where are you going? 797 00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:43,600 Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Like, yeah, of course, but 798 00:43:44,160 --> 00:43:47,120 Speaker 1: and I think that it's harder to not be like 799 00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:49,239 Speaker 1: that with your kids because you start off as a 800 00:43:49,280 --> 00:43:53,959 Speaker 1: micromanager and then that changes to just like you know, 801 00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:58,680 Speaker 1: the yeah you're a consultant lord. See, I ain't reached 802 00:43:58,760 --> 00:44:01,360 Speaker 1: that point your stuff. See, and now you seeing that 803 00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:03,160 Speaker 1: you're trying to throw me in relationship. I don't have 804 00:44:03,160 --> 00:44:06,520 Speaker 1: time for him. I gotta do these. I'm already stressed out, 805 00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:10,720 Speaker 1: Like no, don't go. I love that notion though, because 806 00:44:10,840 --> 00:44:15,359 Speaker 1: most people operate from two emotions and see the love 807 00:44:15,440 --> 00:44:19,600 Speaker 1: or fear so all the other things that happen, it's 808 00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:22,920 Speaker 1: usually control under one of those. It's disguising as it's 809 00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:26,120 Speaker 1: disguising as so when you talk about ego, and that's 810 00:44:26,160 --> 00:44:28,960 Speaker 1: a lot that's fear fear. So I love my man 811 00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:30,959 Speaker 1: so much, I don't want to have anything to happen 812 00:44:31,000 --> 00:44:33,040 Speaker 1: to him. I don't want to. That's so I'm gonna 813 00:44:33,120 --> 00:44:36,840 Speaker 1: keep him right here. It's because it's fear, total fear. Yeah, 814 00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:38,680 Speaker 1: or am I good enough for am I? You know? 815 00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:44,120 Speaker 1: In the competition aspect of it? All about that game, 816 00:44:44,239 --> 00:44:46,360 Speaker 1: I'm so happy I'm not that game out, that game 817 00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:50,440 Speaker 1: that's not a fun game. Done done Dune, Dune, Dune, Dune, 818 00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:53,960 Speaker 1: God bless it though. See, I just need to be 819 00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:56,520 Speaker 1: like a nun somewhere. Yeah, I'm not really. I mean, 820 00:44:56,520 --> 00:45:01,319 Speaker 1: I respect you, understand your decision, I really do, and 821 00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:02,799 Speaker 1: I think you're in a beautiful place and I want 822 00:45:02,840 --> 00:45:05,160 Speaker 1: you to stay in a pie, stay healthy and but 823 00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:09,040 Speaker 1: as but I don't know as somebody who really genuinely 824 00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:12,799 Speaker 1: just likes you and connection. Yeah, you know, I think 825 00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:15,480 Speaker 1: at least you should just be open to whatever God 826 00:45:15,520 --> 00:45:20,759 Speaker 1: puts in your path at some point. But you know nothing, Yeah, 827 00:45:20,840 --> 00:45:23,840 Speaker 1: that's just that you know what people feel? Yeah, I 828 00:45:23,840 --> 00:45:26,080 Speaker 1: think people And it's it makes people afraid to hear 829 00:45:26,080 --> 00:45:28,680 Speaker 1: me say that because then they have to not say you. 830 00:45:28,760 --> 00:45:32,560 Speaker 1: But like it's like we can people really exist by themselves, 831 00:45:34,120 --> 00:45:35,480 Speaker 1: you know what I mean? It kind of like I 832 00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:39,880 Speaker 1: have the full Yeah, It disrupts fantasy. It disrupts this 833 00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:44,200 Speaker 1: notion that we have to be in these like strong 834 00:45:44,920 --> 00:45:49,600 Speaker 1: relations units. Yeah, and here's here's the truth. If my 835 00:45:50,280 --> 00:45:55,640 Speaker 1: situation didn't end via death, I'd still be in it deep, 836 00:45:56,440 --> 00:45:58,400 Speaker 1: you know what i mean, not even having this notion 837 00:45:58,480 --> 00:46:00,640 Speaker 1: of this and maybe if if I did it when 838 00:46:00,640 --> 00:46:05,359 Speaker 1: it came in another lesson, it just came in this one. Yeah, Well, 839 00:46:05,400 --> 00:46:08,080 Speaker 1: you have many lessons to teach us all on my 840 00:46:08,120 --> 00:46:13,439 Speaker 1: TED talk. What would your ted talk beyond? It would 841 00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:18,439 Speaker 1: be on death, and it would be on what what 842 00:46:18,440 --> 00:46:21,920 Speaker 1: what happens when when your earth blows up? What happens 843 00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:23,600 Speaker 1: after that? How do you what is the what do 844 00:46:23,719 --> 00:46:26,240 Speaker 1: the ashes look like? How do you pick up from ash? 845 00:46:26,680 --> 00:46:31,160 Speaker 1: It's like Phoenix Rising. That should be the name of 846 00:46:31,160 --> 00:46:36,280 Speaker 1: your dead talk Phoenix Rising. Yeah, Lauren Rising, Lauren Rising, 847 00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:39,960 Speaker 1: I'm telling you, Yeah, I'm into that. And I'm trying 848 00:46:39,960 --> 00:46:41,759 Speaker 1: to get a need a Baker ticket, So like those things, 849 00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:46,400 Speaker 1: I'm sure we can work out like her at the Venetian. 850 00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:48,319 Speaker 1: I need that. I need to see you know what 851 00:46:48,360 --> 00:46:49,719 Speaker 1: I mean that A couple of things that's on my 852 00:46:49,719 --> 00:46:54,760 Speaker 1: bucket list. I need a Baker. I'm like a Rochelle Farrell. 853 00:46:55,560 --> 00:46:58,640 Speaker 1: I need a baker, give me some well downing. I'm happy. 854 00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:00,880 Speaker 1: You're happy girl. We all want you to be a 855 00:47:00,880 --> 00:47:04,440 Speaker 1: happy girl. This give me some near to bakers. Where's 856 00:47:04,440 --> 00:47:11,040 Speaker 1: Hank happy? Thank you. It was so good and I 857 00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:12,800 Speaker 1: was so happy. It was yumy