1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:04,840 Speaker 1: High listeners, It's Emilia. As a special bonus to Crumbs, 2 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:06,960 Speaker 1: I'll be interviewing people close to me who were part 3 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:10,119 Speaker 1: of the journey, will reflect on my life, my search 4 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:13,640 Speaker 1: for love, and the impact the show had on them. 5 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:15,960 Speaker 1: In this episode, I'll be talking with my mom, Hilda. 6 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,840 Speaker 1: If you already listen to the show, you know this 7 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:22,119 Speaker 1: is the most important relationship in my life. And we 8 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:26,840 Speaker 1: talked about everything here. So much was revealed in this conversation, 9 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,840 Speaker 1: things that I was oblivious to. I got to see 10 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:36,519 Speaker 1: my mom in a different light. I got to be 11 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:41,080 Speaker 1: a part of her journey trying to raise me. Having 12 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:46,839 Speaker 1: this conversation with my mom, it was very difficult. There 13 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:50,479 Speaker 1: were a lot of painful memories that were relived, but 14 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:54,400 Speaker 1: it made me see my mom as a totally different person. 15 00:00:55,400 --> 00:01:00,800 Speaker 1: And all I can say is it was emotional. If 16 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:04,120 Speaker 1: you haven't heard the show yet, don't wait. Head back 17 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: to the feet and start the journey from step one. 18 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:12,200 Speaker 1: We'll be here when you're done. Okay, let's get started. 19 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:25,960 Speaker 1: So the podcast, what did you think of it? I 20 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 1: was trying to listen to this podcast as this is 21 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:35,480 Speaker 1: emmy story, not this is my daughter's. It just was 22 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:39,039 Speaker 1: easier to separate the two. I mean, of course there 23 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,680 Speaker 1: were times when I was like it was just like 24 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:46,520 Speaker 1: step step, you know, But Um, you went through a 25 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 1: lot of ship. You know you're insecurities because I think 26 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,840 Speaker 1: that was the main thing for you being insecure and 27 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,520 Speaker 1: asking yourself, what am I doing wrong? Why don't they 28 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:07,080 Speaker 1: like me? Why can't I find love? You know? Um? 29 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 1: And I feel that you have grown with every single relationship, 30 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:20,919 Speaker 1: You've learned something new, because that's what we do, right, 31 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:26,639 Speaker 1: We learn from all our hurts. Who do you think 32 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 1: is my ideal type of man? Who? I don't know who, 33 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:37,240 Speaker 1: but I could tell you what I think is your 34 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:41,320 Speaker 1: ideal man is a man that of course loves you, 35 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:47,320 Speaker 1: accepts you, and lets you be yourself. A man that 36 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:53,799 Speaker 1: if you're upstairs watching something and he's downstairs, you're okay 37 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:57,080 Speaker 1: with it because you guys are still there together and 38 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:03,720 Speaker 1: you share everything together there. You don't have to try 39 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,280 Speaker 1: to take care of him or protect him. Of course, 40 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,919 Speaker 1: as a mother, I want a man that's going to 41 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:13,399 Speaker 1: take care of you and and and never hurt you, 42 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:18,800 Speaker 1: never let anything happen to you. I just want you 43 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 1: to find that perfect partner that you're comfortable with. And 44 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 1: that you can be your total self whether you're screaming 45 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:32,000 Speaker 1: or throwing off it whatever, and he's okay with it 46 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,520 Speaker 1: and you're okay with it. You know what I mean? 47 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:36,880 Speaker 1: That you guys could just have a beautiful bond, you know, 48 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,840 Speaker 1: kind of like what you're Nana and thought to have. 49 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,360 Speaker 1: I don't know how good of a relationship they have, 50 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:49,960 Speaker 1: but they complement each other. You know, someone you could 51 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,000 Speaker 1: speak and he'll finish your sentence type of guy I 52 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:59,880 Speaker 1: don't know, just and then you're okay when he's not 53 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:02,600 Speaker 1: they're around you, or he's okay when you're not there. 54 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:12,080 Speaker 1: Does that make sense? Yeah? Okay, mom? So if you 55 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,720 Speaker 1: were to write a dating profile for me, what would 56 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:20,440 Speaker 1: it say? I'm curious. Let's see, Like, say you're filling 57 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,640 Speaker 1: out like my bumble or tender profile. What would it say? 58 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:33,000 Speaker 1: It would probably start out like Emmy Chica Latina, late thirties, 59 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 1: right because you talked about that, um, late thirties looking 60 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:50,320 Speaker 1: to share love when that sounds kind of cheesy? Um smart? 61 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:59,159 Speaker 1: What's that word I'm looking for? Um? Self sufficient? Okay, 62 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:07,839 Speaker 1: self sufficient? It smart? Beautiful Chica Latina, late thirties, early thirties. 63 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:14,240 Speaker 1: Let's say since you liked to change it. Interested in 64 00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:22,360 Speaker 1: finding a partner that I can share my my daily 65 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:26,120 Speaker 1: dues and don't I don't know, all right, Mom, you're 66 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:43,680 Speaker 1: definitely not writing my dating profile. So when it comes 67 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:48,240 Speaker 1: to my childhood, is there a certain memory that sticks 68 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:53,040 Speaker 1: out to you from my childhood or a certain story 69 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:59,880 Speaker 1: that was brought up? There's a few. Um, First, I 70 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:06,360 Speaker 1: want to say that you were the most beautiful, special 71 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:11,960 Speaker 1: child ever, like you loved me unconditionally. That's like the 72 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:16,320 Speaker 1: most precious memory I have of your childhood. That you 73 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:20,680 Speaker 1: didn't care, like the time in the hotel. So many 74 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 1: other times you didn't care what we were doing, what 75 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 1: we were going through. You were happy to be with me, 76 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,560 Speaker 1: and and and that's what I hold in my heart. 77 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:38,680 Speaker 1: You know, you mentioned the hotel story. Let's talk about it, Okay, 78 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,520 Speaker 1: So there was actually too, but let's we'll talk about 79 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:45,800 Speaker 1: the first one walk let me hear it, okay. So 80 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,920 Speaker 1: when I was listening to you talk about the time 81 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,479 Speaker 1: at the hotel, I was thinking there was one before that. 82 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,919 Speaker 1: It was right before I met Gigo. I remember that 83 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:01,679 Speaker 1: Gig when I met in January, at the end of January, 84 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,280 Speaker 1: so this was also Christmas time, and we were at 85 00:07:04,279 --> 00:07:09,240 Speaker 1: a hotel. We were at a hotel called Ela, which 86 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 1: was San Diego's finest if you were a crackhead, you know. Um, 87 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,760 Speaker 1: So we were there. I had had a fight with Mommylicia, 88 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 1: and the only way I could really get back at 89 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:26,800 Speaker 1: her was taking you with me, because I was your mom, 90 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:31,040 Speaker 1: not her. So I took you and we were in 91 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:35,320 Speaker 1: this roach infested little room. I stopped somewhere, I don't 92 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 1: know where. I picked up this little plastic Christmas tree, 93 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:43,640 Speaker 1: and she sent your and your dear Louise to go 94 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 1: get you. But they couldn't take you away from me 95 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,600 Speaker 1: because I was mom, even though I really didn't want 96 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 1: you there, because I wanted to get high and do 97 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:57,800 Speaker 1: whatever it is I had to do. And I kept 98 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,440 Speaker 1: you there because that was my way of getting back 99 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:05,680 Speaker 1: at your grandma. What was that conversation like with Mattia Chavin? 100 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:09,280 Speaker 1: With matt Luis, they hello, you know, they don't come 101 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:13,040 Speaker 1: with us. You know he'll be better. He's got prisents waiting. 102 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,960 Speaker 1: And of course when you heard that, you you wanted 103 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,720 Speaker 1: to go. You wanted to go get your gifts, your 104 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:23,560 Speaker 1: Christmas presents, and and I said no, little we have 105 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:28,720 Speaker 1: presents here too. I didn't have any, but but you 106 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,080 Speaker 1: weren't gonna let me go. I wasn't gonna let you go. 107 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:38,160 Speaker 1: I don't remember that one, but I remember. I know 108 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:47,360 Speaker 1: where it's at. It's still there, It's still there. So wow. 109 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:52,640 Speaker 1: Now the hotel story that I mentioned in the podcast 110 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:57,320 Speaker 1: at the Easy eight, Yeah, how do you remember that? 111 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:03,079 Speaker 1: So that one I remember, Mommy, Licia was already in prison. 112 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 1: I was in jail waiting to go to prison. You 113 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,800 Speaker 1: were staying at your nanas Andrea was not even a 114 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 1: year old, staying with Nina Loose and it was about 115 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: to be Christmas. And I was in the shoe. Actually, 116 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,520 Speaker 1: I had gotten into a big fight in county jail 117 00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 1: and I was an the shoe and for some reason 118 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 1: they took me back to court. Here I am thinking 119 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:30,120 Speaker 1: I'm getting charged for this fight or whatever, but actually 120 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:34,720 Speaker 1: solitary confinement. Solitary confinement, Um, yeah, that's where you go 121 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:38,520 Speaker 1: when you get in a fight or whatever. So they 122 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 1: took me back to court to tell me that I 123 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:44,160 Speaker 1: was being released to a drug rehab and so I 124 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:50,640 Speaker 1: was super happy. I was getting out right before Christmas. Um. 125 00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:54,040 Speaker 1: I remember walking out of there. There was some people 126 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 1: there to pick me up from a program. I I 127 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,679 Speaker 1: didn't even have underwear on, just that because I went 128 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,240 Speaker 1: from the shoes, so I didn't have my personal property whatever. 129 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,000 Speaker 1: I mean, I had clothes, but I'm just I had nothing. 130 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:08,240 Speaker 1: Take that image out at your head. It wasn't like that. 131 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:12,120 Speaker 1: But anyways, they take me to this place and they're 132 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:15,400 Speaker 1: going through my paperwork or whatever, and I said, no, 133 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,839 Speaker 1: need to do that, I'm leaving. Thank you for the ride, 134 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:21,160 Speaker 1: and I left. Wow, And I just wanted to go 135 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:26,959 Speaker 1: see you and Andrea, and I guess I went to 136 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 1: those He loaned me a car and I went and 137 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,440 Speaker 1: picked you up. And but it wasn't really planning on 138 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:36,920 Speaker 1: taking you with me because it was Christmas. But you 139 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:40,520 Speaker 1: wanted to go with me, and I told you will. 140 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,719 Speaker 1: We're not going to have any presents. Just go to 141 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,880 Speaker 1: spend Christmas with your nana. You know how much you 142 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:49,720 Speaker 1: like it. It's gonna be fun. And you just wouldn't 143 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,800 Speaker 1: leave my side. You'd rather be in that little easy 144 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:58,200 Speaker 1: eight room with me. I think it's so crazy how 145 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 1: I have such a vivid memory of that story because 146 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:09,640 Speaker 1: I was what's eight years old? About eight? Yes, and 147 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:16,160 Speaker 1: so what happened that Christmas Eve. I remember going to 148 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,360 Speaker 1: the store somewhere. I picked up a little boom box, 149 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,760 Speaker 1: and you were so happy, trying to make it, make 150 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,520 Speaker 1: it so so special. You were gonna you were looking 151 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:31,160 Speaker 1: for Christmas carols to play, looking for a movie on 152 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:38,280 Speaker 1: the little broken down TV in the room, and I 153 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 1: just wanted to call my connect, you know, So what 154 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:48,280 Speaker 1: I wanted was for you to go to sleep. I 155 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,920 Speaker 1: was very happy to see you, very happy to have you, 156 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 1: and at the same time, it was it was like, 157 00:11:57,679 --> 00:12:04,720 Speaker 1: why didn't he just go with his nanna O that arrest. 158 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:15,000 Speaker 1: It was very hard for me because I remember you 159 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:19,040 Speaker 1: came home from the hospital with Andrea. He taught me 160 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 1: how to change your diaper, how to make a bottle, 161 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:29,400 Speaker 1: and you left. And for the longest time, I remember 162 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,280 Speaker 1: wanting a little brother, a little sister, and I finally 163 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:39,760 Speaker 1: had her. Was gone. All the stability that I had 164 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 1: was gone, and that affected me so much. Then you 165 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: got pregnant with Andrea, and that was something I was 166 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 1: looking forward to, having that family unit. And then she's 167 00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:00,480 Speaker 1: days old. You leave, you don't come back because you 168 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:07,400 Speaker 1: get arrested, and my little sister and I get separated. 169 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:15,520 Speaker 1: I go to my nanas she goes to myns. And 170 00:13:15,559 --> 00:13:19,040 Speaker 1: even though we were close to each other in distance, 171 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:26,320 Speaker 1: I didn't see her every day. And I just felt 172 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:35,640 Speaker 1: like I wanted to be with you because I missed 173 00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:39,880 Speaker 1: you so much. Here's the thing, like, after my Milicia left, 174 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:44,200 Speaker 1: you stepped up and became my mother. I had a 175 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:50,720 Speaker 1: bond with you, and it was taken, it was suddenly gone. 176 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:57,360 Speaker 1: So I imagine that's why I wanted to be with you, 177 00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:06,080 Speaker 1: because I missed you so much. Ok, And I wanted 178 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:09,360 Speaker 1: you there just as bad, you know. But you have 179 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:12,080 Speaker 1: to remember I was a full blown addict, you know. 180 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,360 Speaker 1: I mean those months away in jail didn't change the 181 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:21,800 Speaker 1: fact that I was very, very strung out and on heroin. 182 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 1: Not even in jail did that stop. So it was 183 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:31,480 Speaker 1: like a constant fight inside of me. It was it 184 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:36,880 Speaker 1: was a feeling of I don't know, remorse. I don't 185 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,400 Speaker 1: know what the word is. I I wanted you there, 186 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,520 Speaker 1: and you were so happy, and you're trying to show 187 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,080 Speaker 1: me this and and trying to find a movie and 188 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:48,640 Speaker 1: and and I'm like, just stop, just sit down, go 189 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:57,400 Speaker 1: to sleep, you know. Yeah. And then the very next 190 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:03,600 Speaker 1: day we left. We lived to alaha, why how did 191 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:08,400 Speaker 1: that happen? Like I said, I had nothing. I got 192 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:12,280 Speaker 1: out with nothing. The house, the home that we had 193 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:18,400 Speaker 1: all our lives, was gone. Though your grandfather was a 194 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:25,520 Speaker 1: drunk out living in someone's backyard, there was nothing there. 195 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,680 Speaker 1: And I was on the run. Remember I was supposed 196 00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:30,840 Speaker 1: to go to a program and I left. So I 197 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,040 Speaker 1: was able to talk to mommy Licia on the phone, 198 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:36,200 Speaker 1: and she said, I said, Mom, what am I gonna do? 199 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:39,360 Speaker 1: I have nowhere to go, I have no money, and 200 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,400 Speaker 1: and you wouldn't leave my side, you know, you didn't 201 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,800 Speaker 1: want to go back to your nana. So she said, leave, 202 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,440 Speaker 1: Leave to Mexico. We had a house over there. She said, 203 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,760 Speaker 1: until you kid think, get over and see what it 204 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:56,320 Speaker 1: is you want to do. And so we left, is 205 00:15:56,360 --> 00:16:00,720 Speaker 1: my memory correct? And walked in with two heat suitcases 206 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 1: full of brand new clothes, toys, everything. Yes, she did. 207 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:10,560 Speaker 1: She walked into that easy immortalent said here's your stuff. 208 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:14,240 Speaker 1: You're leaving. That's how I remember it. It was so fast. 209 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,880 Speaker 1: It just happened so fast. So even from prison, MOMMI 210 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,720 Speaker 1: each I was taking care of us, making sure that 211 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:23,200 Speaker 1: we were taking care of Yeah, she would have your 212 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:27,080 Speaker 1: d fly to I want to say, like every three 213 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:30,360 Speaker 1: to six months and bring us like more close toys, 214 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,800 Speaker 1: whatever it is we needed. I don't remember that. I 215 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:37,320 Speaker 1: do remember you had an allowance, right, you can go 216 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 1: to the bank every so often take out money. Yeah, 217 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,800 Speaker 1: I wasn't allowed to take it all out, but I 218 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,000 Speaker 1: could take out a certain amount. You know. We lived 219 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,800 Speaker 1: pretty comfortable. Yeah, you didn't work in Mexico. We had 220 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:55,120 Speaker 1: a maid. We had a maid, We had an you know, 221 00:16:55,160 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 1: the house all to ourselves. You had several cars, different cars, mhm. 222 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:06,280 Speaker 1: So my meacher provided for us even from prison. I 223 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:10,160 Speaker 1: was put into a Catholic school, a private Catholic school school. 224 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:16,360 Speaker 1: And then I don't know how much time went by 225 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:20,400 Speaker 1: before we switched you over to a public school down 226 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,119 Speaker 1: the street, and you switched me over to public school 227 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,800 Speaker 1: because you had a falling out with my aunt who 228 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,439 Speaker 1: was the one who put us in private school? Or 229 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,359 Speaker 1: is that incorrect? Well, I think it was more like 230 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,960 Speaker 1: I ran out of money. I went through my Why 231 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:41,399 Speaker 1: did you run out of money? So you mentioned we 232 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:45,240 Speaker 1: had a few different cars. Well, after that little Volkswagen, 233 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:51,600 Speaker 1: we traded it for a really nice um low rider. 234 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:56,560 Speaker 1: In Mexico. We put a lot of money into that car. 235 00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:01,359 Speaker 1: We remodeled the house a little bit, and we brought Kiko, 236 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:05,159 Speaker 1: came to the States, picked up Gigo, took him to 237 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:09,200 Speaker 1: live with us. Kicko didn't initially come with us because 238 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:14,760 Speaker 1: he was in prison. He was in prison, and it 239 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,200 Speaker 1: just so happened that when I came to San Diego, 240 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,480 Speaker 1: he was getting out the next morning, because I would 241 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:26,120 Speaker 1: fly down here every three months after not at the beginning, 242 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:30,119 Speaker 1: because we weren't allowed to. Your Grandma wouldn't allow it. 243 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:33,480 Speaker 1: But eventually I started just coming without letting anybody know. 244 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:42,320 Speaker 1: I missed my heroine, and Kiko came to live with us, 245 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:47,000 Speaker 1: and then I went to ship. Yeah, and I say 246 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:53,320 Speaker 1: that because now we have two heroneutics in the household, 247 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:58,639 Speaker 1: and neither of you are working, and eventually we ran 248 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:05,960 Speaker 1: out of money. Yeah, that's pretty much what happened. He 249 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,920 Speaker 1: he did get a job as a He didn't even 250 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,160 Speaker 1: speak Spanish, Mom, No he didn't, but he was very 251 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,600 Speaker 1: strong and he could live those cement bags. He would 252 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:20,480 Speaker 1: get paid probably like seventy five dollars a week, take 253 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,399 Speaker 1: you and Andrea to McDonald's and spend it all. And 254 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:41,639 Speaker 1: we were broken again. And the next day all right, 255 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:53,359 Speaker 1: let's talk about Kiko ko waikik. Like what was it? 256 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:59,600 Speaker 1: I mean, yes, he was very handsome, but like, how 257 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,800 Speaker 1: did you mean, Kiko? How did I Mike? Like? How 258 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:07,080 Speaker 1: how did Gigo come into the mix? So it's funny 259 00:20:07,119 --> 00:20:09,439 Speaker 1: because we were talking about that the other day, so 260 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:15,520 Speaker 1: I asked me, how did you? And Grandpa me? And 261 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,120 Speaker 1: I was going to help Boyo. You were in school. 262 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:22,119 Speaker 1: I was driving to hear Boyo. I was supposed to 263 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:27,159 Speaker 1: go pick up some people to Tijuana. And as I 264 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,400 Speaker 1: drove in, he was standing there talking to someone and 265 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:35,560 Speaker 1: our eyes just met and he just like followed me around. 266 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,360 Speaker 1: He was there doing a drug deal. I was there 267 00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:43,760 Speaker 1: trying to do my little go to Tijuana deal. So 268 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,560 Speaker 1: they told me you have to go right now, and 269 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,679 Speaker 1: I'm like, I can't go right now. I have to 270 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:51,320 Speaker 1: pick up my son from school. And they're like you 271 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:57,040 Speaker 1: need to go now, and I was like, ship, what 272 00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,199 Speaker 1: am I gonna do? I? You know, I have to 273 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 1: pick up my son. And and that's when Gigo stepped 274 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,399 Speaker 1: in and he's like, well, we're it's schooled. As your 275 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,800 Speaker 1: son go to I can get them for you. And like, really, oh, 276 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:13,399 Speaker 1: how sweet? Total stranger you know, selling drugs. But that 277 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:17,800 Speaker 1: was very sweet of him, right, So I told him, 278 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:20,439 Speaker 1: you go to this school and I'll see you here 279 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:23,280 Speaker 1: in a few hours. Mind you, I could have got 280 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:28,399 Speaker 1: arrested on the way back or whatever. But so it happened. 281 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,600 Speaker 1: You were there waiting for me when I got back 282 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:35,680 Speaker 1: with Giko. So Kiko went to my elementary school and 283 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:39,879 Speaker 1: picked me up and I went with him. Yeah, a 284 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:44,840 Speaker 1: total stranger. Yeah, you were probably used to it. I 285 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:50,480 Speaker 1: don't remember that would have happened if you would have 286 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:54,439 Speaker 1: gotten caught at the border. Did he have my nana's 287 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 1: phone number or what was he gonna do? So? What 288 00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:04,679 Speaker 1: if he sold me? H? Well, I'm guessing that he 289 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:08,439 Speaker 1: would have called my friend Linda and she would have 290 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,719 Speaker 1: got ahold of I don't know your nana because they 291 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:18,960 Speaker 1: knew each other. I don't know. I didn't even stop 292 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,359 Speaker 1: to think about that. There's you didn't think it through. 293 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,280 Speaker 1: But you made it across the border. I must mean 294 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:32,120 Speaker 1: you got paid and we went to celebrate. We took 295 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:39,320 Speaker 1: you with us. How do we celebrate? We went um, 296 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:43,000 Speaker 1: we went back to the room the same easy eight motel, 297 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,280 Speaker 1: broad Pickle with us because now he was our new 298 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:55,000 Speaker 1: cool friend. Right. He saved the day, and we stayed 299 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,879 Speaker 1: there for the next thirteen days until he got arrested. 300 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,040 Speaker 1: We got you some ice cream and turned on the 301 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,560 Speaker 1: TV for you. And so I'm just going to back 302 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,159 Speaker 1: up really quick because at this point in my life, 303 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,879 Speaker 1: mamm with each has not in prison yet. No, she wasn't, 304 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:19,719 Speaker 1: and and I thought just curious, because every time I 305 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:23,440 Speaker 1: didn't get things my way, I would leave and take 306 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:28,400 Speaker 1: you with me until she gave in. And she would 307 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:33,440 Speaker 1: have given all the time. That's why we were there. 308 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,679 Speaker 1: As a matter of fact, we weren't in the hotel 309 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:39,359 Speaker 1: room thirteen days. We were there maybe seven or eight 310 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:43,480 Speaker 1: before she came and said come home. And I'm like, well, 311 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:50,000 Speaker 1: I have him, now bring him to she said, And 312 00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:54,720 Speaker 1: so we went home and she got arrested a few 313 00:23:54,760 --> 00:24:01,720 Speaker 1: days after that. Emmy was my mother's precious childhood, pride 314 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:05,520 Speaker 1: and enjoy the apple of her eye. And any time 315 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:09,040 Speaker 1: anything didn't go my way, if she took a car 316 00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 1: away from me, um, anything, any dumb little thing that 317 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:21,960 Speaker 1: I would throw a fit about, I would just threaten 318 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:27,040 Speaker 1: to leave with you. And that's all it took. Sometimes 319 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,959 Speaker 1: she would say go, but she'd come looking for us 320 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:35,639 Speaker 1: a few days later, at the longest a week And 321 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:39,920 Speaker 1: was this a pattern. Yes, So the disease of addiction, 322 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:46,399 Speaker 1: it's hideous. We do things in our addiction that we 323 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,760 Speaker 1: wouldn't do in our right minds. It takes us down. 324 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,280 Speaker 1: So even though my militia had money, she had a 325 00:24:54,359 --> 00:25:00,040 Speaker 1: stable home, you're still doing these side hustles, crossing p 326 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:05,280 Speaker 1: pool at the border to pay for your heroin habit. 327 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:11,280 Speaker 1: There's one thing about my mother. She may have been 328 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,760 Speaker 1: u nartical, I don't know what what would be the 329 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:22,800 Speaker 1: word for that. She may have been caught with. She 330 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:29,440 Speaker 1: may have been selling drugs herself, but she never enabled 331 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:33,000 Speaker 1: my heroine habit. She never gave me a set for it. 332 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:40,400 Speaker 1: I had to do that on my own, and so 333 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:48,080 Speaker 1: I did it anyway. I could, you know, crossing people shoplifting. Today, 334 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,760 Speaker 1: where I am in life with fourteen years of sobriety, 335 00:25:55,000 --> 00:26:01,280 Speaker 1: having been working on myself these fourteen years, I understand 336 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:05,800 Speaker 1: why you did those things that you did. I didn't 337 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:09,480 Speaker 1: understand at the time because I was just a kid. 338 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:15,040 Speaker 1: And then I went through my own struggles and I 339 00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:20,399 Speaker 1: did some petty ship as well. So I understand why you. 340 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:29,120 Speaker 1: I understand why you did those things, which is why 341 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:34,919 Speaker 1: I don't hold it against you today. Yeah, it was 342 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,159 Speaker 1: fucked up. Lots of things happened to me that should 343 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:42,840 Speaker 1: never happen to a child, and for the longest time 344 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:46,720 Speaker 1: I held on with and for the longest time, I 345 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:51,359 Speaker 1: held on too, that resentment until I got sober and 346 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:54,840 Speaker 1: I started to understand the disease of addiction and how 347 00:26:54,880 --> 00:27:01,639 Speaker 1: we think when we're active in our disease. And to 348 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:05,680 Speaker 1: some people that might seem like it's unexcusable, like it's 349 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:11,880 Speaker 1: not an excuse. She just neglect or put someone through. Hell, 350 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:19,119 Speaker 1: I guess what I'm getting at is it takes one 351 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:24,399 Speaker 1: to no one, you know. Yeah, And you know, I 352 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:28,760 Speaker 1: don't know how funked up this might sound, But in 353 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,840 Speaker 1: a way, I'm kind of glad that you went through 354 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:36,000 Speaker 1: your own experience because it was pretty hard for me 355 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:39,920 Speaker 1: because here I was so in love with this heroin heroin, 356 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:46,520 Speaker 1: but I loved you too, that joy that you gave me, 357 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,359 Speaker 1: like you were the only person as a little child 358 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,760 Speaker 1: that loved me no matter what, that didn't judge me, 359 00:27:53,960 --> 00:28:01,560 Speaker 1: that didn't you liked being around me. And so I 360 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,080 Speaker 1: carried all this guilt for a long time, like When 361 00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:06,240 Speaker 1: I was in jail, all I thought about was you. 362 00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:08,280 Speaker 1: I don't know if you remember. I would draw you 363 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:14,439 Speaker 1: little pictures and send you letters or whatever, you know. 364 00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:17,119 Speaker 1: But the moment I walked out of there, I was 365 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:20,399 Speaker 1: another person, like I wanted to know who had the 366 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:23,159 Speaker 1: bag where I was going to go. Oh yeah, but 367 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:27,320 Speaker 1: I'm gonna go see my son first. But yeah, he's 368 00:28:27,359 --> 00:28:29,600 Speaker 1: got to stay with us none or mommy, Leach or 369 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:32,919 Speaker 1: someone because I gotta go score, you know, or Okay, 370 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,400 Speaker 1: come with me. But you already know the drill. You 371 00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:40,440 Speaker 1: sit back and say nothing, and you accepted that. You 372 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:52,200 Speaker 1: sit back and say nothing. Where did you learn that from? 373 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,480 Speaker 1: I don't know if I learned it. It's just what 374 00:28:54,640 --> 00:29:03,640 Speaker 1: it was. What I'm getting at is okay, just because 375 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:09,880 Speaker 1: you've mentioned this in the past, you grew up. Okay, 376 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:13,440 Speaker 1: see what you're getting to? Yeah, yeah, Well you have 377 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:17,360 Speaker 1: to remember my childhood was nothing but violence and abuse 378 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:21,880 Speaker 1: as well. My father was an alcoholic and my mom 379 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:26,360 Speaker 1: was emotionally sick. You know, they fought almost every day. 380 00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:29,600 Speaker 1: Domestic violence didn't exist back then. We had the cops 381 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:32,000 Speaker 1: at our house at least once a week. At the 382 00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:36,320 Speaker 1: same time, they're dealing massive quantities of drugs, and you know, 383 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,760 Speaker 1: I wasn't allowed to say anything. You just put your 384 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:43,920 Speaker 1: feelings back. And so that's pretty much how it was 385 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:47,200 Speaker 1: with you. You know, it is what it is. Well, 386 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:50,560 Speaker 1: you know, I'm sorry, this is what you got. You know, 387 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,520 Speaker 1: I'll buy you a toy later. Just sit back and 388 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:56,520 Speaker 1: be quiet so we could get this done out of 389 00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,240 Speaker 1: the way and then we'll go watch a movie or something. 390 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:02,440 Speaker 1: That's how it was. And and you were okay with 391 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:06,040 Speaker 1: that for a long time until you got older, you know, 392 00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:11,920 Speaker 1: and all the anger started coming out and you started 393 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:16,200 Speaker 1: letting me know how you felt, and it was ugly. 394 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:20,280 Speaker 1: I never thought that I would have this beautiful relationship 395 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:23,880 Speaker 1: that we have now, where we can talk, we can cook, 396 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:28,080 Speaker 1: we can do whatever, you know, and just you're not 397 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:31,080 Speaker 1: afraid that if I say I'll be right back, that 398 00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:34,920 Speaker 1: I'm not going to come back. You're not always trying 399 00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:37,040 Speaker 1: to look into my eyes to see if my pupils 400 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:41,960 Speaker 1: are dilated, you know. And at first you were our 401 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:46,080 Speaker 1: first Christmas together. After I got out, I saw that 402 00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:49,480 Speaker 1: in you anytime, even if someone would call me, who 403 00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:54,120 Speaker 1: was that? Were you going? Why? You're not like that anymore? 404 00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:59,120 Speaker 1: And I wouldn't trade this relationship for the world, you know, 405 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:04,000 Speaker 1: m That was part one of my interview with my mom. 406 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:06,880 Speaker 1: Tune in next week for the second half. We will 407 00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:09,040 Speaker 1: reflect on how we got to where we are today, 408 00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:15,480 Speaker 1: and that was my main goal, to just one step 409 00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:18,640 Speaker 1: at a time, show my kids that they don't have 410 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:23,320 Speaker 1: to worry about me anymore. That's next week on Crumbs. 411 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:34,400 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening. Crumbs is the production of I Heart Radios, 412 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:39,440 Speaker 1: Michael Podcast Network, and in association with Trojan Horse. It's 413 00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:44,400 Speaker 1: produced by Margaret Catcher and and edited by Jazz Mandrometo 414 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:49,080 Speaker 1: and Alex Fumeto. Original music by Daniel Peter Schmidt and 415 00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:55,320 Speaker 1: engineering by Manuel Executive produced by Jivances and Conno Burn 416 00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:59,360 Speaker 1: for I Heeart, Alex Buto for Trojan Horse, Joshua Weinstein, 417 00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:07,800 Speaker 1: Jasmundro Metro and and me Emio LEA special thanks to 418 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:13,960 Speaker 1: Monissa Hendrix, Fernand Estrada and Saramta. Listen to Crumbs on 419 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:18,040 Speaker 1: the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you 420 00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:19,000 Speaker 1: get your podcasts.