WEBVTT - #329 All Goo & Stories From the iHeart Radio Awards w/ Brian Frange 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:11.559 The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello here, I am 0:00:11.640 --> 0:00:14.760 welcome to the show. It's Nicki Glazer Podcast. It's Monday, 0:00:15.000 --> 0:00:19.840 Tuesday's it is Tuesday. Um, we're recording this Tuesday. I 0:00:19.920 --> 0:00:21.840 just have my days mixed up. I am here in 0:00:21.880 --> 0:00:25.799 Los Angeles, California, at my um really pretty nice hotel, 0:00:26.160 --> 0:00:30.680 UM corner corner. Sweet. I'm being put up by the 0:00:30.680 --> 0:00:34.520 iHeartRadio Awards that I got to do last night, and 0:00:34.640 --> 0:00:36.960 they got me a nice hotel and it was just 0:00:36.960 --> 0:00:38.559 just such a joy to do. And we'll get into 0:00:38.600 --> 0:00:39.919 that in just a second. I want to just go 0:00:39.960 --> 0:00:42.880 around and then produce everyone who's here. Noah is in Arizona. 0:00:42.920 --> 0:00:45.320 You guys know that it's also a city there. And 0:00:45.520 --> 0:00:51.280 um Anya is in Coopertino. Yes, Bay Area, Silicon Valley. 0:00:51.560 --> 0:00:55.920 Hell yeah baby, you are, Um, you're aware. Like the 0:00:56.080 --> 0:00:58.120 the interesting thing about where you are I always find 0:00:58.240 --> 0:01:01.880 is that you are on the will you describe it 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:05.080 on you If you look at your iPhone, the logo 0:01:05.240 --> 0:01:09.600 of the map is exactly where I am. Yes, that's awesome. 0:01:09.680 --> 0:01:12.800 Isn't that cool because that's where Apple is? Yes? Oh wow, 0:01:13.480 --> 0:01:16.600 she's exactly on that Like, wait, is it almost exactly that. 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:18.680 That's a little exit though, right, that's like a big 0:01:18.720 --> 0:01:21.360 exit ramp on the icon. I think that the icon 0:01:21.520 --> 0:01:23.840 used to have like two eighty on it. Maybe it'd 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:29.360 be weird for your parents image. It's also a cool 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:32.520 name for a city, Coopertino. It's such a cute name. 0:01:32.640 --> 0:01:37.520 I want to write that down if I had. Yeah. Um, 0:01:38.319 --> 0:01:40.080 the guy who taught us about Zizzis and taught us 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:43.160 about Noah Arizona and just likes the name Coupertino. I'm 0:01:43.280 --> 0:01:48.280 starting to notice them is my good friend and past 0:01:48.920 --> 0:01:50.840 podcast co host of the Not Safe podcast. If you 0:01:50.840 --> 0:01:52.000 want to go back and listen to those, they are 0:01:52.040 --> 0:01:56.160 still available. Um it's Brian Frangie. Everyone isn't that horrifying? 0:01:57.520 --> 0:02:00.640 Are still available? Yeah, I'm dude, we're just taking the 0:02:00.640 --> 0:02:06.200 ship down by now. The podcast when Luigi came, oh 0:02:06.280 --> 0:02:09.280 my god, yes, oh thanks for bringing that up. I 0:02:09.400 --> 0:02:12.720 blocked that out of my memory. Luigi during one it 0:02:12.840 --> 0:02:14.880 was me and dancing Germaine in you. I used to 0:02:14.880 --> 0:02:17.919 do it as a bit in my act because we 0:02:17.919 --> 0:02:20.600 were It was me. It was at our office at 0:02:20.600 --> 0:02:22.400 Not Safe. It was a show I had on Comedy Central. 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:25.480 Brian was the worked in our digital department. Dan was 0:02:25.480 --> 0:02:27.720 one of our writers Dancing Germaine, and we had a 0:02:27.760 --> 0:02:30.280 podcast that Comedy Central gave us to like promote the 0:02:30.280 --> 0:02:33.840 show on a different platform, you know. So we would 0:02:33.880 --> 0:02:36.040 just go into Brian's office and do this podcast. It 0:02:36.080 --> 0:02:39.600 was like my favorite part of the day. And one 0:02:39.639 --> 0:02:41.640 time Luigi Luigi was always in the office and he 0:02:41.680 --> 0:02:43.280 was on my lap. I had just gotten him, like 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:45.800 a couple months before, and he had a he has 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:50.280 a big penis sheath especially, Yeah, he has a bit. 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:54.239 He has big penis and the sheath like the slit 0:02:54.720 --> 0:02:56.760 that it's supposed to go in the lipstick goes in, 0:02:57.200 --> 0:02:59.120 it would be too big, and so the penis would 0:02:59.120 --> 0:03:01.640 hang out a lot. Yes, it doesn't anymore, but for 0:03:01.639 --> 0:03:04.600 some reason, he was very horny back then and he 0:03:04.760 --> 0:03:07.000 it was always out. So one time during the show, 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:09.160 Dan was making a big deal or you were making 0:03:09.160 --> 0:03:11.520 a big deal of like, oh God, his lip sticks out, 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:13.840 and I was just like, chill out. So to get 0:03:13.880 --> 0:03:15.840 it back in, I wanted to scare it back in. 0:03:16.040 --> 0:03:19.280 Oh I didn't know that. I thought. No. I took 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:22.880 his paw to like because I didn't want to like 0:03:22.919 --> 0:03:24.640 touch around that area. But I thought if you poked 0:03:24.639 --> 0:03:26.960 around the area, it would get scared and go back in. Yes, yes, 0:03:27.040 --> 0:03:30.799 So I took his paw and like tapped around his 0:03:31.080 --> 0:03:34.960 penis and stuff came out. Oh my god, I jerked 0:03:35.000 --> 0:03:40.600 my own dog off with his own It was all 0:03:40.640 --> 0:03:48.320 over my tits. That um yeah, Luigi came um. Which 0:03:48.320 --> 0:03:51.200 people have to do to um breed dogs and stuff 0:03:51.240 --> 0:03:53.080 they got or the breed horses. I thought you were 0:03:53.080 --> 0:03:55.400 talking about sticking the finger in the butt. Oh, that's 0:03:55.440 --> 0:03:58.680 to get a dog off you if it's attacking you. Yeah. Yeah, 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:01.480 that's what I was talking about. That's mean that's to 0:04:01.720 --> 0:04:04.800 express its glands. Oh yeah yeah, yeah, you gotta and you. 0:04:04.920 --> 0:04:07.840 And now there's they're saying that that's not good anymore 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:10.520 to do. You know, they must change everything. Every couple 0:04:10.560 --> 0:04:13.119 of years, you spend more. Now you're me to your dog. Yeah, 0:04:13.160 --> 0:04:16.400 now eighteen we could just stick our finger of our 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:22.320 dogs ass and that's when things were great. Yeah yeah, 0:04:23.760 --> 0:04:26.320 um wait, No, the anal gland thing is a real 0:04:26.360 --> 0:04:28.720 thing on small dogs. They get clogged up. Does your 0:04:28.760 --> 0:04:31.719 dog have anal gland issues? No, we never expressed its glands, 0:04:31.760 --> 0:04:34.360 but I mean she shakes a lot. Well, that's if 0:04:34.360 --> 0:04:38.640 they poop, if they have too um, if they have 0:04:38.880 --> 0:04:42.960 their poops are too liquidy. Because poops go, poops get 0:04:42.960 --> 0:04:45.360 their glands going. So when poop comes out and it's hard, 0:04:45.400 --> 0:04:47.400 it expresses it for them. So if your dog has 0:04:47.440 --> 0:04:50.360 too much running poop, it's glands get like filled up, 0:04:50.360 --> 0:04:52.520 and that's when you have to go express them. Oh god, 0:04:53.080 --> 0:04:56.359 one time my dog is expressed all over, because sometimes 0:04:56.400 --> 0:04:57.919 they do it out of fear and they shoot it 0:04:57.920 --> 0:05:01.480 out like a skunk. Oh all over. John Early, Oh 0:05:01.520 --> 0:05:03.720 my god, I had a show. I had brought Luigi 0:05:03.800 --> 0:05:05.560 to a show and John saw me and was like hi, 0:05:05.720 --> 0:05:07.360 and he was like, look at the puppy, and Luigi 0:05:07.440 --> 0:05:10.600 just was freaked out and expressed all and we didn't 0:05:10.600 --> 0:05:12.039 know what happened. At first, you just kind of go 0:05:12.640 --> 0:05:17.000 it's clear, like it's invisible, but then generally is like oh, 0:05:17.040 --> 0:05:18.760 and I'm like, oh my god, why are you? Like 0:05:18.839 --> 0:05:21.720 we were so confused, what was that? Why are you wet? 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:24.640 The smell isn't thet it's like a like a rotten 0:05:24.680 --> 0:05:27.680 fish worst smell. John Early is in the bathroom. We 0:05:27.760 --> 0:05:29.080 kind of don't know what happened, but I'm kind of 0:05:29.080 --> 0:05:31.880 starting to smell something, but it's got all over John, 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:34.320 so it's barely like I can not even smell it 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:35.680 in the room. But I'm like, oh my god, I 0:05:35.680 --> 0:05:38.240 think Luigi. And then I go John like through the 0:05:38.279 --> 0:05:41.640 door and he's like, yes, he is freaking out because 0:05:41.640 --> 0:05:44.599 he has to perform. It was at Um Hot Soup 0:05:44.680 --> 0:05:48.040 that show, a Kurt Brownowler's show, and it was upstairs 0:05:48.040 --> 0:05:50.760 in this like green room area, and he's in the 0:05:50.760 --> 0:05:53.120 bathroom ruined a sweater like it was on a sweater 0:05:53.200 --> 0:05:57.000 and he got all this fishy. So, I mean, I'm 0:05:57.000 --> 0:06:00.200 sure he still talks. Doesn't come off, No, it does not. 0:06:00.279 --> 0:06:02.120 It's that sweater was done. And I told him. I 0:06:02.160 --> 0:06:03.200 was like, I'll pay you for it, and he was 0:06:03.320 --> 0:06:05.839 very sweet. I think I offered. I can't imagine I didn't, 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:08.080 but I don't think he let me or I just 0:06:08.120 --> 0:06:10.560 didn't offer. He's a funny guy to I'm sure his 0:06:10.640 --> 0:06:13.039 response would have been funny if you didn't it was 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:18.320 too traumatized. It would be funny. Oh Um, I texted 0:06:18.360 --> 0:06:20.560 you saying I was gonna be ten minutes late, and 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:22.600 then you responded, all good, but you've left off the 0:06:22.680 --> 0:06:24.880 d so it said, I'll goo. I know I didn't 0:06:24.880 --> 0:06:27.000 feel like sending the other D that made me laugh. 0:06:27.240 --> 0:06:33.880 I'll go, man, we have new words for coming express 0:06:34.279 --> 0:06:39.200 goo y. Yeah, I'm expressed all over my face. Oh 0:06:39.320 --> 0:06:43.000 my god, that's so funny to say that your boyfriend expressed. 0:06:45.800 --> 0:06:52.400 Just express yourself. Imagine if com smelled as bad as 0:06:52.440 --> 0:06:57.000 it dogs, as bad as it looks. I think, God, 0:06:57.480 --> 0:07:02.440 some time smell what some times? Um? I mean, I 0:07:02.520 --> 0:07:04.800 hope this happens to other people. But if a guy 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:07.280 like comes in you and you leave it there for 0:07:07.320 --> 0:07:09.520 a little bit, it does start to smell like fish, 0:07:09.560 --> 0:07:15.200 and it's because that's that's yeah. Sorry, Uh, no one 0:07:15.200 --> 0:07:19.800 can relate. That's just your pussy nor Yeah, you read 0:07:19.840 --> 0:07:22.480 it out? How do you get it out? What do 0:07:22.520 --> 0:07:25.160 you mean? I've always been curious about that. I think 0:07:25.440 --> 0:07:29.040 it rips out when you pee. Okay, right, don't you 0:07:29.080 --> 0:07:34.600 think we can come out and it's exactly the other 0:07:34.640 --> 0:07:41.960 way that'll stay in. Yeah, I'm sorry everyone, but it's 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:45.880 just true. After sex, men and women. Oh you must 0:07:46.000 --> 0:07:48.960 p People think it's just women, but men need to 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:53.680 pee two sure, P two. Um, it's a P two movement. Yes, 0:07:55.560 --> 0:07:59.000 it's um, it's well, men do not get uts as 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:01.480 much as No. No, it's more imperative for women to do. 0:08:01.520 --> 0:08:04.480 So that's one. It's like you have to pee like 0:08:04.520 --> 0:08:07.080 every single time or else will instantly get a uti. 0:08:07.200 --> 0:08:11.080 It's crazy, it's crazy. It's a horrible thing happened playing 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:13.640 with fire in your pants, because it's it really is. 0:08:14.000 --> 0:08:16.400 It's no one. No one tells women that that should 0:08:16.400 --> 0:08:19.880 be a part of sex education. No one tells women 0:08:19.960 --> 0:08:23.760 anything that's a good feel like sex said is parallel parking. 0:08:24.360 --> 0:08:26.440 Watch this video of a baby being born. And that's 0:08:26.480 --> 0:08:29.200 all you need to know. And no, and so few 0:08:29.200 --> 0:08:31.560 people need to First of all, you don't need to 0:08:31.560 --> 0:08:34.120 know that you're going to have doctors who can cover that. Yes, 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:37.800 you know. So you get mixed messages constantly. Can I 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:42.000 say of a near horror story that I've had? Okay, so, 0:08:42.600 --> 0:08:46.120 any she is now in the in the in the 0:08:46.240 --> 0:08:49.120 month before where she has like fake ones because they're 0:08:49.320 --> 0:08:51.319 they're making, they're molding the ones that are going to 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:54.120 be put in April fifth, right when you have any years. 0:08:54.160 --> 0:09:00.520 You can't bite into an apple anymore. I just can't 0:09:00.640 --> 0:09:03.760 use your teeth. You can't use your teeth at all anymore. 0:09:03.760 --> 0:09:06.560 And they hurt constantly. It's great, and you really regrets 0:09:06.600 --> 0:09:08.679 getting veneers. But she hasn't gotten the final one jet, 0:09:08.679 --> 0:09:10.040 and I think she's going to change your tune when 0:09:10.040 --> 0:09:14.920 she gets those. But George Washington like, you're borous teeth 0:09:14.920 --> 0:09:18.120 that I figured out how to get around that because 0:09:18.160 --> 0:09:20.600 they have been looking like wooden teeth, and every night 0:09:20.600 --> 0:09:22.240 I just look in the mirror and I'm like, you 0:09:22.360 --> 0:09:27.000 have fucking wooden teeth, dude, what is happening? Because they 0:09:27.040 --> 0:09:29.439 create these ridges in them to make them look natural, 0:09:29.480 --> 0:09:30.960 but then you drink a cup of tea and it 0:09:31.000 --> 0:09:33.360 looks like wood. But the other day I was like, 0:09:33.360 --> 0:09:36.160 fuck it, I'm using baking soda directly on these teeth 0:09:36.160 --> 0:09:38.560 because they're not my teeth. I can't ruin them. And 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:42.000 it worked immediately and they were like bright white, like 0:09:42.160 --> 0:09:46.120 not wooden anymore. Oh good. But but the dentist told 0:09:46.160 --> 0:09:48.960 me a month ago, do not be afraid to brush 0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:51.160 these things. You got to brush your gums. Do not 0:09:51.280 --> 0:09:54.280 be timid at all. Brush brush brush because people are 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:57.280 always timid, and then it causes bleeding if you're too 0:09:57.360 --> 0:09:59.800 timid around your gums. And if we install the permanent 0:09:59.880 --> 0:10:02.560 one while your gums are bleeding, they will turn them pink. 0:10:02.640 --> 0:10:05.760 So definitely brush your gums vigorously. I was like, okay, 0:10:05.800 --> 0:10:07.839 I've been brushing my teeth like four times a day 0:10:07.960 --> 0:10:11.360 after I eat, and I'm in constant pain. And finally, 0:10:11.520 --> 0:10:15.520 yesterday it just starts gushing blood and like doesn't stop, 0:10:15.559 --> 0:10:17.400 and I'm like, I'm done with this shit. So I 0:10:17.480 --> 0:10:20.640 call my dentists. She finally calls me back. Today. We're 0:10:20.679 --> 0:10:23.000 talking and I'm like, I've been in constant pain. I'm 0:10:23.040 --> 0:10:26.160 doing everything you said. I'm even like rinsing with salt water. 0:10:26.240 --> 0:10:29.960 I'm flossing gently. I'm like doing all the right stuff. 0:10:30.200 --> 0:10:33.400 And she's like, well, you know, I think you're just 0:10:33.480 --> 0:10:36.440 missing a spot and you just really need to brush 0:10:36.760 --> 0:10:39.640 very gently. You need to brush. Are you brushing gently? 0:10:39.679 --> 0:10:43.280 I'm like you told me to brush favorously. She's like, well, 0:10:43.559 --> 0:10:47.560 vigorously and gently. I'm just like I just started crying, Like, 0:10:47.679 --> 0:10:51.600 just say I fucked up. Sorry, I'm sorry, you're in pain. 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:53.560 We'll take a look at it. Don't make it like, 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:57.600 well you probably brought this on yourself, bitch. Yeah, it's 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:01.240 so what so did she so? She so she definitely 0:11:01.280 --> 0:11:03.200 realized she had said something wrong, and then she tried 0:11:03.240 --> 0:11:07.120 to course correct. I said, well, I've been in constant 0:11:07.120 --> 0:11:09.080 pain for a month and I'm doing everything you said, 0:11:09.120 --> 0:11:11.719 but I have been in almost constant pain for four 0:11:11.720 --> 0:11:16.040 weeks and it's just silence. And then she goes, yeah, 0:11:16.120 --> 0:11:21.800 I hear you. Okay, Why can't dentists admit that they 0:11:21.800 --> 0:11:24.000 were wrong? That happened to me too, right, a dentist 0:11:24.000 --> 0:11:27.000 who refused to admit that she did something wrong. She 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:29.000 kept trying to come up with different reasons why it 0:11:29.040 --> 0:11:30.800 was my fault. And at the end of the day, 0:11:30.840 --> 0:11:33.559 I was like, I did everything you said, and you've 0:11:33.640 --> 0:11:36.600 ruined my life. What was going on in your own life? 0:11:36.640 --> 0:11:39.200 I've had two teeth removed because of this. Really then 0:11:39.200 --> 0:11:41.800 they're gone right now? Oh my god, I'm waiting for 0:11:41.840 --> 0:11:45.079 the end to get an implant? Costs like ten thousand 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:49.960 dollars a six thousand plant? What is going on? Why 0:11:50.000 --> 0:11:52.160 are teeth so expensive? And that is what you need 0:11:52.200 --> 0:11:56.400 to invest in the teeth market? Yes, yes, forget about 0:11:56.400 --> 0:11:59.280 a quick comedy. Yes, because that's one thing we have 0:11:59.400 --> 0:12:03.160 not math stirred clearly because you got these veneers and 0:12:03.200 --> 0:12:05.719 you're like, what what do you wish people would have 0:12:05.760 --> 0:12:08.439 told you about veneers before. You can't bite into anything. 0:12:08.520 --> 0:12:12.079 You can't they bleed all the time. You don't want 0:12:12.080 --> 0:12:13.880 to get rid of your reality. I mean, talk to 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:15.600 me in a month when I have the permanent ones, 0:12:15.600 --> 0:12:17.120 and maybe I'll be like, it was so weird that 0:12:17.160 --> 0:12:19.840 I love Anyone complain about veneers before is the thing? 0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:23.200 You know why? Because no one admits they have them, right, 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:25.200 and this is a this is the thing. It's their 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:29.160 shame about having cosmetic procedures to improve your looks. People 0:12:29.160 --> 0:12:31.080 have shame about it. They act like they don't have it, 0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:33.560 They don't talk about it. So then everyone's quietly doing 0:12:33.600 --> 0:12:36.800 this and only being advised by their doctor who's making 0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:39.080 money off of them. And so the only if the 0:12:39.160 --> 0:12:41.920 only advice and encouragement you're getting to do it is 0:12:42.000 --> 0:12:45.080 from a doctor who is incentivized to encourage you to 0:12:45.120 --> 0:12:47.640 do it. What do you you know you gotta we 0:12:47.720 --> 0:12:51.880 gotta destigmatize these things. If you get veneers, it's okay, yeah, 0:12:51.920 --> 0:12:55.679 admit you. He was like people over the weekend, He's like, 0:12:56.400 --> 0:12:58.800 next time, don't do this. You got you can't make 0:12:58.840 --> 0:13:00.920 decisions on your own. You got to tell your friends 0:13:01.120 --> 0:13:03.800 before you do this. Us. We tell each other everything 0:13:03.800 --> 0:13:05.640 on the girls Chat, and I was like, why didn't 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:07.360 you disclose this because one of the girls on the 0:13:07.400 --> 0:13:11.160 girls Chat has had veneers and shared not doing this 0:13:11.440 --> 0:13:12.679 even though I don't think it's going to be a 0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:15.559 mistake and I think you're gonna love them. But I 0:13:15.600 --> 0:13:17.680 think you were like you didn't want to be talked 0:13:17.679 --> 0:13:20.880 out of it, you said, I think I just yeah, 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:23.200 It's like I go into a weird mode sometimes where 0:13:23.360 --> 0:13:26.480 I'm just like it's like on my to do list, 0:13:26.520 --> 0:13:30.720 like buy salad, dressing, go to the post office, get veneers. 0:13:30.760 --> 0:13:33.520 I'll just handle it. It'll just be a thing I'm doing. 0:13:33.679 --> 0:13:36.240 You know, I've done this before with a big decision 0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:38.840 in my life, and I regretted that one too, But 0:13:38.960 --> 0:13:41.400 like it's like I don't want to be found out. 0:13:41.440 --> 0:13:43.120 I don't want to be talked out of it because 0:13:43.200 --> 0:13:45.400 I'm scared like Matt or someone's gonna be like you're 0:13:45.400 --> 0:13:48.440 spending how much? And also I'm like this is gonna 0:13:48.440 --> 0:13:51.439 be great. My dentist said it, I know someone who 0:13:51.480 --> 0:13:56.480 has It's so good. That's why people do it. I mean, 0:13:56.480 --> 0:13:59.280 they look better than your regular teeth, without question. Do 0:13:59.320 --> 0:14:03.400 they function as well not even the apocalypse happens in 0:14:03.440 --> 0:14:07.120 your teeth. You have nothing done going for you. You 0:14:07.840 --> 0:14:10.400 that should be if you think that, if you are 0:14:10.440 --> 0:14:14.280 a prepper, start training to install the ears because you 0:14:14.679 --> 0:14:19.560 have a trade. Because I think about this all the time, 0:14:19.560 --> 0:14:21.960 and then apocalypse is that I would be dead within 0:14:22.120 --> 0:14:24.440 three weeks. No matter how good I am at killing you, 0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:27.680 you're you would be a good prepper. What okay? Because 0:14:27.760 --> 0:14:32.880 I can't see I have contact lescar Lasic. Dude, I 0:14:33.120 --> 0:14:36.760 can't scared of No, No, dude, I did las It's scary. 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:41.840 I'm not gonna do it to you right now. It's certified. 0:14:42.320 --> 0:14:45.840 Lasic is okay everyone that's scared of it. I'm that 0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:47.720 we do add for them on the show because they 0:14:48.440 --> 0:14:51.840 I got Lasic done. I'm not kidding you. If it's 0:14:52.000 --> 0:14:55.080 so quick, it is quicker than getting your ear pierced 0:14:55.080 --> 0:14:59.120 at Claire's. It is so easy. It's not a big 0:14:59.160 --> 0:15:00.840 de little they make do you feel like you know 0:15:00.880 --> 0:15:02.360 they want you're spending a lot of money, so they 0:15:02.400 --> 0:15:04.640 give you the experience of like this is a procedure, 0:15:04.840 --> 0:15:06.800 but they could literally do this at a like. I 0:15:06.840 --> 0:15:09.120 even said it to the practitioner. I go you guys 0:15:09.160 --> 0:15:10.720 could do this at a mall Kiosk, and she goes, 0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:12.960 we could. I mean, we're not going to because but yes, 0:15:13.120 --> 0:15:17.080 it's they do millions of procedures. You are hard. It's 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:19.080 hard to find anyone that has a bad experience with it. 0:15:19.320 --> 0:15:21.800 You're of course, there are those cherry picked stories where 0:15:21.840 --> 0:15:24.760 people have had things, But they do millions of procedures. 0:15:25.120 --> 0:15:28.040 I only had one I done, and for a while 0:15:28.080 --> 0:15:30.600 it was a little bit like my vision was adjusting. 0:15:30.600 --> 0:15:32.120 They said it could take up to twelve weeks, and 0:15:32.160 --> 0:15:34.960 it did take I think it's been like about twelve 0:15:35.000 --> 0:15:37.800 weeks since and I have I wake up every day 0:15:37.800 --> 0:15:40.080 with perfect vision. Yeah, I don't have to bring contacts 0:15:40.080 --> 0:15:42.800 on the road with me. I can see up close, 0:15:42.840 --> 0:15:45.640 I can see far away. It's like it's a fucking dream. 0:15:46.560 --> 0:15:52.240 Afraid of and I'm afraid of, well, I'm afraid of 0:15:52.240 --> 0:15:53.880 a lot of things. I'm also afraid to get a 0:15:53.880 --> 0:15:56.440 wedding ring. I'm I have fear. I mean, that's just 0:15:56.520 --> 0:15:59.920 my m O. I don't understand we're the sadding ring. 0:16:00.440 --> 0:16:04.080 Are we both Russian Jews? Because that's the problem. Don't 0:16:04.160 --> 0:16:06.760 make this a Russian Jew thing. This is it is true. 0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:10.800 We're sensitive people. We're highly sensitive. We're afraid of the worst. 0:16:10.960 --> 0:16:14.400 Bad things have happened to us. I gained our history. 0:16:14.680 --> 0:16:17.720 I understand. But why are you scared to get a ring? 0:16:17.920 --> 0:16:20.240 Because that's like, but you're not scared to get married forever. 0:16:20.320 --> 0:16:22.640 So don't tell me you're scared of commitment. No I'm not. 0:16:22.680 --> 0:16:24.680 I'm not scared of commit what's the scared of the ring? 0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:26.400 I'm scared my finger will get ripped off in a 0:16:26.440 --> 0:16:29.520 barn door. Okay, I know it. I know it because 0:16:29.560 --> 0:16:32.800 of a guy, a famous author. He was he had 0:16:32.840 --> 0:16:35.480 a ring fallon, almost lost his finger to a ring. 0:16:35.720 --> 0:16:37.520 A ring. Yeah, it's a common thing. I wear rings 0:16:37.520 --> 0:16:39.880 all the time, but people don't. It doesn't happen that often. 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:41.680 I don't want to get ripped off in a barn door, 0:16:42.000 --> 0:16:46.360 Oh my god, what if it does? And fears as well, 0:16:46.360 --> 0:16:50.320 But these you have to admit the irrational, irrational statistically, Yes, well, 0:16:50.320 --> 0:16:52.720 I'm going to get a ring that will detach easily 0:16:54.000 --> 0:16:59.160 to a ring. Yeah, us away, you know, then you 0:16:59.200 --> 0:17:03.760 have to get it removed, and that's really than divorce. Yes, 0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:08.639 getting a tattoo, had a painful ring? Oh yeah, I 0:17:08.880 --> 0:17:10.840 couldn't get a ring off for almost a year and 0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:13.520 it's still kind of no, it's actually healed around it, 0:17:13.560 --> 0:17:15.399 but it was a little bit like it's kind of 0:17:15.400 --> 0:17:18.320 made my finger all like weird for a second and small. 0:17:18.480 --> 0:17:21.080 But I got I bought a ring remover on an 0:17:21.119 --> 0:17:23.119 Amazon and got it off and it was great. It 0:17:23.160 --> 0:17:26.120 was felt victorious. But yeah, um, I love rings though, 0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:28.760 but yeah you do. Sometimes there's this ring I get 0:17:28.760 --> 0:17:30.800 that caught on my nose when I'm washing my face. 0:17:31.240 --> 0:17:32.720 I had to point the heart down. I have a 0:17:32.720 --> 0:17:36.159 little heart ring on my pinkie we show people on 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:40.119 YouTube watching and when I have the heart facing the 0:17:40.160 --> 0:17:42.520 other way, I would be washing and it would get 0:17:42.520 --> 0:17:45.760 caught and it ripped my nose like it literally ripped 0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:47.760 the nostril to the point where I was like, it 0:17:47.760 --> 0:17:49.439 could have ripped my nostril off. I'm not if it 0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:51.720 would have snacked and it ripped it so much. There 0:17:51.760 --> 0:17:54.399 was blood like a huge mark there and I was 0:17:54.440 --> 0:17:57.520 walking around with it and it had it looked like chocolate, 0:17:57.560 --> 0:17:59.359 like I just smeared like chocolate on my face. That 0:17:59.400 --> 0:18:01.520 would be your first instinct if you saw me. And 0:18:01.560 --> 0:18:04.800 I realized, no one tells me the truth about my people. 0:18:04.840 --> 0:18:06.960 Just go we assume Nikki has chocolate on her face 0:18:07.000 --> 0:18:08.840 because no one pointed out. I'm like, I have a 0:18:08.880 --> 0:18:11.120 blood like ripping down my face. I have another story 0:18:11.119 --> 0:18:12.920 of blood ripping down my face, and we will talk 0:18:12.960 --> 0:18:17.879 about that right after this Beasties before we get back 0:18:17.880 --> 0:18:20.199 to the show. I have so many live dates coming up. 0:18:20.240 --> 0:18:22.520 I really want you to come see me. Coming up 0:18:22.560 --> 0:18:26.920 April fourteenth, that's my next show. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, then Hampton, 0:18:27.200 --> 0:18:30.439 New Hampshire at the Hampton Beach Casino. Then I'm in 0:18:30.480 --> 0:18:32.720 Tucson where Noah is going to be with us that 0:18:32.840 --> 0:18:36.280 night too. April twenty seventh in Tucson, April twenty eighth, 0:18:36.359 --> 0:18:38.880 and the twenty ninth in Las Vegas. Those dates are 0:18:38.960 --> 0:18:41.960 with David Spade. Get on those dates. If you want 0:18:41.960 --> 0:18:45.200 a fun spring trip for you and your friends, plan 0:18:45.320 --> 0:18:48.359 coming to Vegas or just go alone the Venetian Theater 0:18:48.520 --> 0:18:51.040 David Spade and Me in Las Vegas. That is a 0:18:51.080 --> 0:18:53.920 double headliner show for the price of one. It's going 0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:58.000 to be insane. I cannot wait. And then internationally, I'm 0:18:58.119 --> 0:19:07.480 hitting all of these cities within eleven days of each other. Berlin, Vienna, London, Munich, Amsterdam, Oslo, Stockholm, Helsinki, 0:19:07.920 --> 0:19:12.840 tel Aviv, Athens, and then in June, I'm back in Sarasota, Florida. 0:19:12.840 --> 0:19:14.920 But we'll tell you all about those later at another time. 0:19:14.960 --> 0:19:16.440 But I hope to see you guys on the road. 0:19:16.480 --> 0:19:17.840 I love when you come out to shows. Thank you 0:19:17.880 --> 0:19:19.440 so much for your support. Tell your friends a family, 0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:21.320 if you have any people living in those cities. I 0:19:21.400 --> 0:19:25.280 love you so much. See you when the Good World Tour. Okay, 0:19:25.440 --> 0:19:27.960 So the other night I was going on at the 0:19:27.960 --> 0:19:33.919 Improp two nights ago, and I made the mistake. So 0:19:33.960 --> 0:19:36.560 I get like zits like I have. Like if you 0:19:36.640 --> 0:19:39.359 get zits commonly, they usually come up in the same 0:19:39.400 --> 0:19:43.760 poor reinfects and it's always like the same place hormonally. 0:19:44.480 --> 0:19:46.800 And for me, there's one like on the corner of 0:19:46.840 --> 0:19:48.560 my lip, and it sucks because it looks like a 0:19:48.640 --> 0:19:50.760 cold sore. But I get these and I get these 0:19:50.800 --> 0:19:53.920 two and they're deep seated and they take literally weeks 0:19:54.000 --> 0:19:57.080 to come out be a white head for you to 0:19:57.160 --> 0:19:59.520 pop and like weeks and weeks. I've had them now 0:19:59.560 --> 0:20:01.320 for four weeks and they just they're kind of like 0:20:01.400 --> 0:20:03.120 under the surface. So I can you kind of don't 0:20:03.160 --> 0:20:05.480 see them, but I can just feel them all the time. 0:20:05.720 --> 0:20:07.159 And then the other day it kind of came up 0:20:07.240 --> 0:20:09.879 enough that I was just I was in traffic, don't look, 0:20:10.119 --> 0:20:12.760 and I was just like, you know when you just 0:20:12.800 --> 0:20:14.760 pick it something because you're nervous and you start picking 0:20:14.760 --> 0:20:16.560 at the thing you shouldn't be picking it, Yeah, all 0:20:16.600 --> 0:20:20.000 the time. So I'm in traffic and I'm just nerve. 0:20:20.000 --> 0:20:21.399 I haven't seen Chris in a while. I'm about to 0:20:21.400 --> 0:20:23.600 see Chris. So I'm just like nervous, and I just 0:20:23.640 --> 0:20:25.360 like was like, oh, I got a little piece of skin, 0:20:25.400 --> 0:20:28.120 and I was like, I know I shouldn't, but let 0:20:28.160 --> 0:20:30.920 me just see if it comes off clean. Like what 0:20:32.200 --> 0:20:35.320 it lurks inside my brain. That has never happened before. 0:20:35.359 --> 0:20:37.800