Speaker 1: The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello here, I am
Speaker 1: welcome to the show. It's Nicki Glazer Podcast. It's Monday,
Speaker 1: Tuesday's it is Tuesday. Um, we're recording this Tuesday. I
Speaker 1: just have my days mixed up. I am here in
Speaker 1: Los Angeles, California, at my um really pretty nice hotel,
Speaker 1: UM corner corner. Sweet. I'm being put up by the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio Awards that I got to do last night, and
Speaker 1: they got me a nice hotel and it was just
Speaker 1: just such a joy to do. And we'll get into
Speaker 1: that in just a second. I want to just go
Speaker 1: around and then produce everyone who's here. Noah is in Arizona.
Speaker 1: You guys know that it's also a city there. And
Speaker 1: um Anya is in Coopertino. Yes, Bay Area, Silicon Valley.
Speaker 1: Hell yeah baby, you are, Um, you're aware. Like the
Speaker 1: the interesting thing about where you are I always find
Speaker 1: is that you are on the will you describe it
Speaker 1: on you If you look at your iPhone, the logo
Speaker 1: of the map is exactly where I am. Yes, that's awesome.
Speaker 1: Isn't that cool because that's where Apple is? Yes? Oh wow,
Speaker 1: she's exactly on that Like, wait, is it almost exactly that.
Speaker 1: That's a little exit though, right, that's like a big
Speaker 1: exit ramp on the icon. I think that the icon
Speaker 1: used to have like two eighty on it. Maybe it'd
Speaker 1: be weird for your parents image. It's also a cool
Speaker 1: name for a city, Coopertino. It's such a cute name.
Speaker 1: I want to write that down if I had. Yeah. Um,
Speaker 1: the guy who taught us about Zizzis and taught us
Speaker 1: about Noah Arizona and just likes the name Coupertino. I'm
Speaker 1: starting to notice them is my good friend and past
Speaker 1: podcast co host of the Not Safe podcast. If you
Speaker 1: want to go back and listen to those, they are
Speaker 1: still available. Um it's Brian Frangie. Everyone isn't that horrifying?
Speaker 1: Are still available? Yeah, I'm dude, we're just taking the
Speaker 1: ship down by now. The podcast when Luigi came, oh
Speaker 1: my god, yes, oh thanks for bringing that up. I
Speaker 1: blocked that out of my memory. Luigi during one it
Speaker 1: was me and dancing Germaine in you. I used to
Speaker 1: do it as a bit in my act because we
Speaker 1: were It was me. It was at our office at
Speaker 1: Not Safe. It was a show I had on Comedy Central.
Speaker 1: Brian was the worked in our digital department. Dan was
Speaker 1: one of our writers Dancing Germaine, and we had a
Speaker 1: podcast that Comedy Central gave us to like promote the
Speaker 1: show on a different platform, you know. So we would
Speaker 1: just go into Brian's office and do this podcast. It
Speaker 1: was like my favorite part of the day. And one
Speaker 1: time Luigi Luigi was always in the office and he
Speaker 1: was on my lap. I had just gotten him, like
Speaker 1: a couple months before, and he had a he has
Speaker 1: a big penis sheath especially, Yeah, he has a bit.
Speaker 1: He has big penis and the sheath like the slit
Speaker 1: that it's supposed to go in the lipstick goes in,
Speaker 1: it would be too big, and so the penis would
Speaker 1: hang out a lot. Yes, it doesn't anymore, but for
Speaker 1: some reason, he was very horny back then and he
Speaker 1: it was always out. So one time during the show,
Speaker 1: Dan was making a big deal or you were making
Speaker 1: a big deal of like, oh God, his lip sticks out,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, chill out. So to get
Speaker 1: it back in, I wanted to scare it back in.
Speaker 1: Oh I didn't know that. I thought. No. I took
Speaker 1: his paw to like because I didn't want to like
Speaker 1: touch around that area. But I thought if you poked
Speaker 1: around the area, it would get scared and go back in. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: So I took his paw and like tapped around his
Speaker 1: penis and stuff came out. Oh my god, I jerked
Speaker 1: my own dog off with his own It was all
Speaker 1: over my tits. That um yeah, Luigi came um. Which
Speaker 1: people have to do to um breed dogs and stuff
Speaker 1: they got or the breed horses. I thought you were
Speaker 1: talking about sticking the finger in the butt. Oh, that's
Speaker 1: to get a dog off you if it's attacking you. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what I was talking about. That's mean that's to
Speaker 1: express its glands. Oh yeah yeah, yeah, you gotta and you.
Speaker 1: And now there's they're saying that that's not good anymore
Speaker 1: to do. You know, they must change everything. Every couple
Speaker 1: of years, you spend more. Now you're me to your dog. Yeah,
Speaker 1: now eighteen we could just stick our finger of our
Speaker 1: dogs ass and that's when things were great. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 1: um wait, No, the anal gland thing is a real
Speaker 1: thing on small dogs. They get clogged up. Does your
Speaker 1: dog have anal gland issues? No, we never expressed its glands,
Speaker 1: but I mean she shakes a lot. Well, that's if
Speaker 1: they poop, if they have too um, if they have
Speaker 1: their poops are too liquidy. Because poops go, poops get
Speaker 1: their glands going. So when poop comes out and it's hard,
Speaker 1: it expresses it for them. So if your dog has
Speaker 1: too much running poop, it's glands get like filled up,
Speaker 1: and that's when you have to go express them. Oh god,
Speaker 1: one time my dog is expressed all over, because sometimes
Speaker 1: they do it out of fear and they shoot it
Speaker 1: out like a skunk. Oh all over. John Early, Oh
Speaker 1: my god, I had a show. I had brought Luigi
Speaker 1: to a show and John saw me and was like hi,
Speaker 1: and he was like, look at the puppy, and Luigi
Speaker 1: just was freaked out and expressed all and we didn't
Speaker 1: know what happened. At first, you just kind of go
Speaker 1: it's clear, like it's invisible, but then generally is like oh,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh my god, why are you? Like
Speaker 1: we were so confused, what was that? Why are you wet?
Speaker 1: The smell isn't thet it's like a like a rotten
Speaker 1: fish worst smell. John Early is in the bathroom. We
Speaker 1: kind of don't know what happened, but I'm kind of
Speaker 1: starting to smell something, but it's got all over John,
Speaker 1: so it's barely like I can not even smell it
Speaker 1: in the room. But I'm like, oh my god, I
Speaker 1: think Luigi. And then I go John like through the
Speaker 1: door and he's like, yes, he is freaking out because
Speaker 1: he has to perform. It was at Um Hot Soup
Speaker 1: that show, a Kurt Brownowler's show, and it was upstairs
Speaker 1: in this like green room area, and he's in the
Speaker 1: bathroom ruined a sweater like it was on a sweater
Speaker 1: and he got all this fishy. So, I mean, I'm
Speaker 1: sure he still talks. Doesn't come off, No, it does not.
Speaker 1: It's that sweater was done. And I told him. I
Speaker 1: was like, I'll pay you for it, and he was
Speaker 1: very sweet. I think I offered. I can't imagine I didn't,
Speaker 1: but I don't think he let me or I just
Speaker 1: didn't offer. He's a funny guy to I'm sure his
Speaker 1: response would have been funny if you didn't it was
Speaker 1: too traumatized. It would be funny. Oh Um, I texted
Speaker 1: you saying I was gonna be ten minutes late, and
Speaker 1: then you responded, all good, but you've left off the
Speaker 1: d so it said, I'll goo. I know I didn't
Speaker 1: feel like sending the other D that made me laugh.
Speaker 1: I'll go, man, we have new words for coming express
Speaker 1: goo y. Yeah, I'm expressed all over my face. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, that's so funny to say that your boyfriend expressed.
Speaker 1: Just express yourself. Imagine if com smelled as bad as
Speaker 1: it dogs, as bad as it looks. I think, God,
Speaker 1: some time smell what some times? Um? I mean, I
Speaker 1: hope this happens to other people. But if a guy
Speaker 1: like comes in you and you leave it there for
Speaker 1: a little bit, it does start to smell like fish,
Speaker 1: and it's because that's that's yeah. Sorry, Uh, no one
Speaker 1: can relate. That's just your pussy nor Yeah, you read
Speaker 1: it out? How do you get it out? What do
Speaker 1: you mean? I've always been curious about that. I think
Speaker 1: it rips out when you pee. Okay, right, don't you
Speaker 1: think we can come out and it's exactly the other
Speaker 1: way that'll stay in. Yeah, I'm sorry everyone, but it's
Speaker 1: just true. After sex, men and women. Oh you must
Speaker 1: p People think it's just women, but men need to
Speaker 1: pee two sure, P two. Um, it's a P two movement. Yes,
Speaker 1: it's um, it's well, men do not get uts as
Speaker 1: much as No. No, it's more imperative for women to do.
Speaker 1: So that's one. It's like you have to pee like
Speaker 1: every single time or else will instantly get a uti.
Speaker 1: It's crazy, it's crazy. It's a horrible thing happened playing
Speaker 1: with fire in your pants, because it's it really is.
Speaker 1: It's no one. No one tells women that that should
Speaker 1: be a part of sex education. No one tells women
Speaker 1: anything that's a good feel like sex said is parallel parking.
Speaker 1: Watch this video of a baby being born. And that's
Speaker 1: all you need to know. And no, and so few
Speaker 1: people need to First of all, you don't need to
Speaker 1: know that you're going to have doctors who can cover that. Yes,
Speaker 1: you know. So you get mixed messages constantly. Can I
Speaker 1: say of a near horror story that I've had? Okay, so,
Speaker 1: any she is now in the in the in the
Speaker 1: month before where she has like fake ones because they're
Speaker 1: they're making, they're molding the ones that are going to
Speaker 1: be put in April fifth, right when you have any years.
Speaker 1: You can't bite into an apple anymore. I just can't
Speaker 1: use your teeth. You can't use your teeth at all anymore.
Speaker 1: And they hurt constantly. It's great, and you really regrets
Speaker 1: getting veneers. But she hasn't gotten the final one jet,
Speaker 1: and I think she's going to change your tune when
Speaker 1: she gets those. But George Washington like, you're borous teeth
Speaker 1: that I figured out how to get around that because
Speaker 1: they have been looking like wooden teeth, and every night
Speaker 1: I just look in the mirror and I'm like, you
Speaker 1: have fucking wooden teeth, dude, what is happening? Because they
Speaker 1: create these ridges in them to make them look natural,
Speaker 1: but then you drink a cup of tea and it
Speaker 1: looks like wood. But the other day I was like,
Speaker 1: fuck it, I'm using baking soda directly on these teeth
Speaker 1: because they're not my teeth. I can't ruin them. And
Speaker 1: it worked immediately and they were like bright white, like
Speaker 1: not wooden anymore. Oh good. But but the dentist told
Speaker 1: me a month ago, do not be afraid to brush
Speaker 1: these things. You got to brush your gums. Do not
Speaker 1: be timid at all. Brush brush brush because people are
Speaker 1: always timid, and then it causes bleeding if you're too
Speaker 1: timid around your gums. And if we install the permanent
Speaker 1: one while your gums are bleeding, they will turn them pink.
Speaker 1: So definitely brush your gums vigorously. I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: I've been brushing my teeth like four times a day
Speaker 1: after I eat, and I'm in constant pain. And finally,
Speaker 1: yesterday it just starts gushing blood and like doesn't stop,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I'm done with this shit. So I
Speaker 1: call my dentists. She finally calls me back. Today. We're
Speaker 1: talking and I'm like, I've been in constant pain. I'm
Speaker 1: doing everything you said. I'm even like rinsing with salt water.
Speaker 1: I'm flossing gently. I'm like doing all the right stuff.
Speaker 1: And she's like, well, you know, I think you're just
Speaker 1: missing a spot and you just really need to brush
Speaker 1: very gently. You need to brush. Are you brushing gently?
Speaker 1: I'm like you told me to brush favorously. She's like, well,
Speaker 1: vigorously and gently. I'm just like I just started crying, Like,
Speaker 1: just say I fucked up. Sorry, I'm sorry, you're in pain.
Speaker 1: We'll take a look at it. Don't make it like,
Speaker 1: well you probably brought this on yourself, bitch. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: so what so did she so? She so she definitely
Speaker 1: realized she had said something wrong, and then she tried
Speaker 1: to course correct. I said, well, I've been in constant
Speaker 1: pain for a month and I'm doing everything you said,
Speaker 1: but I have been in almost constant pain for four
Speaker 1: weeks and it's just silence. And then she goes, yeah,
Speaker 1: I hear you. Okay, Why can't dentists admit that they
Speaker 1: were wrong? That happened to me too, right, a dentist
Speaker 1: who refused to admit that she did something wrong. She
Speaker 1: kept trying to come up with different reasons why it
Speaker 1: was my fault. And at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: I was like, I did everything you said, and you've
Speaker 1: ruined my life. What was going on in your own life?
Speaker 1: I've had two teeth removed because of this. Really then
Speaker 1: they're gone right now? Oh my god, I'm waiting for
Speaker 1: the end to get an implant? Costs like ten thousand
Speaker 1: dollars a six thousand plant? What is going on? Why
Speaker 1: are teeth so expensive? And that is what you need
Speaker 1: to invest in the teeth market? Yes, yes, forget about
Speaker 1: a quick comedy. Yes, because that's one thing we have
Speaker 1: not math stirred clearly because you got these veneers and
Speaker 1: you're like, what what do you wish people would have
Speaker 1: told you about veneers before. You can't bite into anything.
Speaker 1: You can't they bleed all the time. You don't want
Speaker 1: to get rid of your reality. I mean, talk to
Speaker 1: me in a month when I have the permanent ones,
Speaker 1: and maybe I'll be like, it was so weird that
Speaker 1: I love Anyone complain about veneers before is the thing?
Speaker 1: You know why? Because no one admits they have them, right,
Speaker 1: and this is a this is the thing. It's their
Speaker 1: shame about having cosmetic procedures to improve your looks. People
Speaker 1: have shame about it. They act like they don't have it,
Speaker 1: They don't talk about it. So then everyone's quietly doing
Speaker 1: this and only being advised by their doctor who's making
Speaker 1: money off of them. And so the only if the
Speaker 1: only advice and encouragement you're getting to do it is
Speaker 1: from a doctor who is incentivized to encourage you to
Speaker 1: do it. What do you you know you gotta we
Speaker 1: gotta destigmatize these things. If you get veneers, it's okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: admit you. He was like people over the weekend, He's like,
Speaker 1: next time, don't do this. You got you can't make
Speaker 1: decisions on your own. You got to tell your friends
Speaker 1: before you do this. Us. We tell each other everything
Speaker 1: on the girls Chat, and I was like, why didn't
Speaker 1: you disclose this because one of the girls on the
Speaker 1: girls Chat has had veneers and shared not doing this
Speaker 1: even though I don't think it's going to be a
Speaker 1: mistake and I think you're gonna love them. But I
Speaker 1: think you were like you didn't want to be talked
Speaker 1: out of it, you said, I think I just yeah,
Speaker 1: It's like I go into a weird mode sometimes where
Speaker 1: I'm just like it's like on my to do list,
Speaker 1: like buy salad, dressing, go to the post office, get veneers.
Speaker 1: I'll just handle it. It'll just be a thing I'm doing.
Speaker 1: You know, I've done this before with a big decision
Speaker 1: in my life, and I regretted that one too, But
Speaker 1: like it's like I don't want to be found out.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be talked out of it because
Speaker 1: I'm scared like Matt or someone's gonna be like you're
Speaker 1: spending how much? And also I'm like this is gonna
Speaker 1: be great. My dentist said it, I know someone who
Speaker 1: has It's so good. That's why people do it. I mean,
Speaker 1: they look better than your regular teeth, without question. Do
Speaker 1: they function as well not even the apocalypse happens in
Speaker 1: your teeth. You have nothing done going for you. You
Speaker 1: that should be if you think that, if you are
Speaker 1: a prepper, start training to install the ears because you
Speaker 1: have a trade. Because I think about this all the time,
Speaker 1: and then apocalypse is that I would be dead within
Speaker 1: three weeks. No matter how good I am at killing you,
Speaker 1: you're you would be a good prepper. What okay? Because
Speaker 1: I can't see I have contact lescar Lasic. Dude, I
Speaker 1: can't scared of No, No, dude, I did las It's scary.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do it to you right now. It's certified.
Speaker 1: Lasic is okay everyone that's scared of it. I'm that
Speaker 1: we do add for them on the show because they
Speaker 1: I got Lasic done. I'm not kidding you. If it's
Speaker 1: so quick, it is quicker than getting your ear pierced
Speaker 1: at Claire's. It is so easy. It's not a big
Speaker 1: de little they make do you feel like you know
Speaker 1: they want you're spending a lot of money, so they
Speaker 1: give you the experience of like this is a procedure,
Speaker 1: but they could literally do this at a like. I
Speaker 1: even said it to the practitioner. I go you guys
Speaker 1: could do this at a mall Kiosk, and she goes,
Speaker 1: we could. I mean, we're not going to because but yes,
Speaker 1: it's they do millions of procedures. You are hard. It's
Speaker 1: hard to find anyone that has a bad experience with it.
Speaker 1: You're of course, there are those cherry picked stories where
Speaker 1: people have had things, But they do millions of procedures.
Speaker 1: I only had one I done, and for a while
Speaker 1: it was a little bit like my vision was adjusting.
Speaker 1: They said it could take up to twelve weeks, and
Speaker 1: it did take I think it's been like about twelve
Speaker 1: weeks since and I have I wake up every day
Speaker 1: with perfect vision. Yeah, I don't have to bring contacts
Speaker 1: on the road with me. I can see up close,
Speaker 1: I can see far away. It's like it's a fucking dream.
Speaker 1: Afraid of and I'm afraid of, well, I'm afraid of
Speaker 1: a lot of things. I'm also afraid to get a
Speaker 1: wedding ring. I'm I have fear. I mean, that's just
Speaker 1: my m O. I don't understand we're the sadding ring.
Speaker 1: Are we both Russian Jews? Because that's the problem. Don't
Speaker 1: make this a Russian Jew thing. This is it is true.
Speaker 1: We're sensitive people. We're highly sensitive. We're afraid of the worst.
Speaker 1: Bad things have happened to us. I gained our history.
Speaker 1: I understand. But why are you scared to get a ring?
Speaker 1: Because that's like, but you're not scared to get married forever.
Speaker 1: So don't tell me you're scared of commitment. No I'm not.
Speaker 1: I'm not scared of commit what's the scared of the ring?
Speaker 1: I'm scared my finger will get ripped off in a
Speaker 1: barn door. Okay, I know it. I know it because
Speaker 1: of a guy, a famous author. He was he had
Speaker 1: a ring fallon, almost lost his finger to a ring.
Speaker 1: A ring. Yeah, it's a common thing. I wear rings
Speaker 1: all the time, but people don't. It doesn't happen that often.
Speaker 1: I don't want to get ripped off in a barn door,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, what if it does? And fears as well,
Speaker 1: But these you have to admit the irrational, irrational statistically, Yes, well,
Speaker 1: I'm going to get a ring that will detach easily
Speaker 1: to a ring. Yeah, us away, you know, then you
Speaker 1: have to get it removed, and that's really than divorce. Yes,
Speaker 1: getting a tattoo, had a painful ring? Oh yeah, I
Speaker 1: couldn't get a ring off for almost a year and
Speaker 1: it's still kind of no, it's actually healed around it,
Speaker 1: but it was a little bit like it's kind of
Speaker 1: made my finger all like weird for a second and small.
Speaker 1: But I got I bought a ring remover on an
Speaker 1: Amazon and got it off and it was great. It
Speaker 1: was felt victorious. But yeah, um, I love rings though,
Speaker 1: but yeah you do. Sometimes there's this ring I get
Speaker 1: that caught on my nose when I'm washing my face.
Speaker 1: I had to point the heart down. I have a
Speaker 1: little heart ring on my pinkie we show people on
Speaker 1: YouTube watching and when I have the heart facing the
Speaker 1: other way, I would be washing and it would get
Speaker 1: caught and it ripped my nose like it literally ripped
Speaker 1: the nostril to the point where I was like, it
Speaker 1: could have ripped my nostril off. I'm not if it
Speaker 1: would have snacked and it ripped it so much. There
Speaker 1: was blood like a huge mark there and I was
Speaker 1: walking around with it and it had it looked like chocolate,
Speaker 1: like I just smeared like chocolate on my face. That
Speaker 1: would be your first instinct if you saw me. And
Speaker 1: I realized, no one tells me the truth about my people.
Speaker 1: Just go we assume Nikki has chocolate on her face
Speaker 1: because no one pointed out. I'm like, I have a
Speaker 1: blood like ripping down my face. I have another story
Speaker 1: of blood ripping down my face, and we will talk
Speaker 1: about that right after this Beasties before we get back
Speaker 1: to the show. I have so many live dates coming up.
Speaker 1: I really want you to come see me. Coming up
Speaker 1: April fourteenth, that's my next show. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, then Hampton,
Speaker 1: New Hampshire at the Hampton Beach Casino. Then I'm in
Speaker 1: Tucson where Noah is going to be with us that
Speaker 1: night too. April twenty seventh in Tucson, April twenty eighth,
Speaker 1: and the twenty ninth in Las Vegas. Those dates are
Speaker 1: with David Spade. Get on those dates. If you want
Speaker 1: a fun spring trip for you and your friends, plan
Speaker 1: coming to Vegas or just go alone the Venetian Theater
Speaker 1: David Spade and Me in Las Vegas. That is a
Speaker 1: double headliner show for the price of one. It's going
Speaker 1: to be insane. I cannot wait. And then internationally, I'm
Speaker 1: hitting all of these cities within eleven days of each other. Berlin, Vienna, London, Munich, Amsterdam, Oslo, Stockholm, Helsinki,
Speaker 1: tel Aviv, Athens, and then in June, I'm back in Sarasota, Florida.
Speaker 1: But we'll tell you all about those later at another time.
Speaker 1: But I hope to see you guys on the road.
Speaker 1: I love when you come out to shows. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much for your support. Tell your friends a family,
Speaker 1: if you have any people living in those cities. I
Speaker 1: love you so much. See you when the Good World Tour. Okay,
Speaker 1: So the other night I was going on at the
Speaker 1: Improp two nights ago, and I made the mistake. So
Speaker 1: I get like zits like I have. Like if you
Speaker 1: get zits commonly, they usually come up in the same
Speaker 1: poor reinfects and it's always like the same place hormonally.
Speaker 1: And for me, there's one like on the corner of
Speaker 1: my lip, and it sucks because it looks like a
Speaker 1: cold sore. But I get these and I get these
Speaker 1: two and they're deep seated and they take literally weeks
Speaker 1: to come out be a white head for you to
Speaker 1: pop and like weeks and weeks. I've had them now
Speaker 1: for four weeks and they just they're kind of like
Speaker 1: under the surface. So I can you kind of don't
Speaker 1: see them, but I can just feel them all the time.
Speaker 1: And then the other day it kind of came up
Speaker 1: enough that I was just I was in traffic, don't look,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, you know when you just
Speaker 1: pick it something because you're nervous and you start picking
Speaker 1: at the thing you shouldn't be picking it, Yeah, all
Speaker 1: the time. So I'm in traffic and I'm just nerve.
Speaker 1: I haven't seen Chris in a while. I'm about to
Speaker 1: see Chris. So I'm just like nervous, and I just
Speaker 1: like was like, oh, I got a little piece of skin,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I know I shouldn't, but let
Speaker 1: me just see if it comes off clean. Like what
Speaker 1: it lurks inside my brain. That has never happened before.
Speaker 1: In the history of me picking at something, nothing has
Speaker 1: ever come off clean. It has always been worse underneath nothing.
Speaker 1: It's not like a sticker on your face you're trying
Speaker 1: to get off. There's a hole and then it bleeds.
Speaker 1: So all of a sudden, my mouth. No, I'm in
Speaker 1: the back of an Chris has not seen me in
Speaker 1: we haven't seen each other. We saw the chi once
Speaker 1: for Mark Twain for like a couple of hours, but
Speaker 1: we haven't been together for weeks and weeks. I'm about
Speaker 1: seeing my boyfriend and my lip is eating. It looks
Speaker 1: like I have a cold sore, and so I'm blotting
Speaker 1: it with my finger and I took out a band aid,
Speaker 1: but I didn't do the sticky part of the bandaid.
Speaker 1: I'm just putting the gauze part on, just like trying
Speaker 1: to and I'm a block away in traffic from trying
Speaker 1: to get it to stop. It's not stopping. And then
Speaker 1: I see Chris and I'm like, I picked at a ZiT.
Speaker 1: It's not anything else, and he's kind of like, oh,
Speaker 1: he like didn't need to know that, And so finally
Speaker 1: it stops bleeding and I go I go to a fit.
Speaker 1: I had a fitting when I got into sound, so
Speaker 1: we had like an hour to hang out and then
Speaker 1: I had a fitting and then I go to there
Speaker 1: and they're kind of looking at me like, oh, she
Speaker 1: has a cold sore. But I didn't even say anything
Speaker 1: to them, just like let them think I have a
Speaker 1: cold stor I don't care. Everyone does. What's the downside
Speaker 1: of having a cold store? Why is that so much
Speaker 1: worse than For some reason, It's like when you fart
Speaker 1: in bed and you're like, it's a quief. It's like,
Speaker 1: it's not as bad as it coming out of your butt.
Speaker 1: Like queefs are less embarrassing than they're still embarrassing, less
Speaker 1: embarrassing than farts, and a ZiT is less embarrassing than
Speaker 1: a cold store even though it's essentially the same fucking thing.
Speaker 1: It's just a sore that you didn't help that you
Speaker 1: can't help. You're not bad because you have it, because
Speaker 1: it's associated with dirtiness, and it's a virus. At least
Speaker 1: a z it will. I think that's the thing. It's viral,
Speaker 1: so it never goes away, like her sustained it's her,
Speaker 1: Well it is her. Yeah, so I think that's why
Speaker 1: the stigma. But I love when people are like, I
Speaker 1: have a cold sort and they're so nonchalant about it.
Speaker 1: I think that's so cool, and I think we need
Speaker 1: more of that. Um but I don't get them. Okay,
Speaker 1: you guys don't even think that. I'm just kidding. We
Speaker 1: need people telling people about their veneers and cold source
Speaker 1: and molestations. Yes, yes, like everything needs to be like
Speaker 1: all these things are not your fault. You didn't want
Speaker 1: to get herpes. You didn't want to get a cold sort.
Speaker 1: You didn't want to get molested like I was molested.
Speaker 1: You were Yeah. I didn't even realize at the time
Speaker 1: I was molested. Wait, hold on a breakd this just
Speaker 1: did Brian friend was molested. I didn't know until much
Speaker 1: later on in life. See this is what happens. Wait,
Speaker 1: tell me what happened. Well, I worked at a deli
Speaker 1: and uh, you know it's all That's how it always starts.
Speaker 1: I worked at a deli and I was classic war
Speaker 1: worked at a deli. Molestation story. I went in very young.
Speaker 1: I was as old as Uncle Haled, as old as uncle. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I went in. I went in young. Okay, I was
Speaker 1: it was illegal. I was twelve years old. Whoa. I
Speaker 1: went in young because I wanted to work. I wanted
Speaker 1: to get working with fresh meat exactly, and I sliced
Speaker 1: the meat. They wouldn't let me slice to me until
Speaker 1: I was older. Okay, that's did they let you beat
Speaker 1: the mets let me watch? Okay, So I would learn
Speaker 1: from that and I would I would stock the bottles
Speaker 1: and wash the dishes. And there was my boss. His
Speaker 1: name was Dennis, and he was a guy. I actually
Speaker 1: found my first porn magazine because of Dennis. He had
Speaker 1: a box of porn stashed in his basement, in the
Speaker 1: basement of the deli. Wanted you to find it. No,
Speaker 1: I don't know, but it was it was Yes, then
Speaker 1: he probably sent you down there. That's what they do.
Speaker 1: They kind of like present sexual situations to go like
Speaker 1: what do you think about this? Well, it's one of
Speaker 1: these situations that's like is this molestation or is he
Speaker 1: just is this just guys? Guys? I'm gonna go with
Speaker 1: the former. He's like a forty five year old owner
Speaker 1: of a deli and I'm a twelve year old boy.
Speaker 1: First of all, he shouldn't give you a job, and
Speaker 1: there's suspicious already that he wants a twelve year old
Speaker 1: boy working for him carrying bottles walking around you have
Speaker 1: very heavy bottles. And then he would take a twelve
Speaker 1: year old frenzy is so adorable to me? Oh my god,
Speaker 1: g skinny chubby with round glasses and a mushroom cut.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, and I played the trump into that I
Speaker 1: started working out. Okay, yeah, I like he played the trumpet.
Speaker 1: I played the trumpet. Oh yeah, do you still know
Speaker 1: how to play I play piano instead, you play taps.
Speaker 1: I could play taps probably still, But you know, you
Speaker 1: gotta work up just like your callous is on guitar,
Speaker 1: you gotta work up your lips. Yeah, is that what
Speaker 1: it is? Yeah, you're well, that's only in woodwinds. I
Speaker 1: think I'm not. I'm not sure, but I know that
Speaker 1: that's a woodwind's a trumpet player. And he has a
Speaker 1: good arm. Sure, yes, Well he's always complaining about it.
Speaker 1: I don't even know what that is, like lip strength
Speaker 1: or something. And he's always complaining about like the same thing,
Speaker 1: like cold sores or any lip stuff. He can't go
Speaker 1: in the sun. He's like, my arm, but sure my lips. Oh,
Speaker 1: botox as well, Like when I got a lip flip,
Speaker 1: when I got a little like injectable. There's a thing
Speaker 1: you can do with botox that makes your lip just
Speaker 1: go like whoop and flip up. You can't like sip
Speaker 1: on straws. And she's like, do you play any instrument,
Speaker 1: like for how long? Like it just sucked dick and
Speaker 1: it goes away, like it just changes the shape of
Speaker 1: your lip. I just I blow dicks. Um. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: had to stop my arm but sure, that would be
Speaker 1: so funny to get out of the sucking dick. Because
Speaker 1: baby I took up the trumpet. It's my passion. What
Speaker 1: you're thirty eight? Showed no interest in this. Okay, so
Speaker 1: you're you're carrying bottles, carrying bottles a little boy, a
Speaker 1: little boy, and he would take a broom and he
Speaker 1: would put it in my butt. No, he would. He
Speaker 1: would take a broom and while I was walking and
Speaker 1: then go oh, and I would make that noise, and
Speaker 1: then he'd look at me and he'd go, take care
Speaker 1: brush your hair. Oh, take take care brush your hair.
Speaker 1: And yeah, and I didn't really and so he would
Speaker 1: do that like almost every day, but just while I'm working.
Speaker 1: I'm just working multiple times. To take care brush your
Speaker 1: hair was just his little catchphrase after the broom. You
Speaker 1: were annoyed by it, obviously because you're carrying these heavy bottles. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was like, but I was like, is this just
Speaker 1: a deli life? Is this? Is this just what it's
Speaker 1: like to work? Yeah, to be an adult and you know,
Speaker 1: to be an adult man like, oh, we're just horsing around.
Speaker 1: I guess yes. And then you'd say, take care brush
Speaker 1: your hair, and I felt like that was made it
Speaker 1: not molestation. But then many years later, I'm in therapy
Speaker 1: and I'm saying, you know, this guy did shove a
Speaker 1: broom in my butt and they said you were molested,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I don't really count it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean it's it is. I mean it's the molestation
Speaker 1: of like no, molesta means like to disturb, like it
Speaker 1: was a sexual disturbance that happened to you. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: violation for sure. Yes, good for you for talking about
Speaker 1: it here. I'm so glad it wasn't worse. It didn't
Speaker 1: consciously affect me in any way, although it probably subconsciously
Speaker 1: affected me. But now I do brush my hair like
Speaker 1: twenty four hours a day. Do you say that take
Speaker 1: care I take care of definitely. And you only use
Speaker 1: a room bup because you cannot have any rooms near noroosan.
Speaker 1: Anyone listening has done this to anybody, and you're like
Speaker 1: fucking passing it off as like frat boy shit or
Speaker 1: whatever you're doing. Just stop doing it, Stop doing it
Speaker 1: to children. Stop this shit. It is weird. It is.
Speaker 1: It fucks people up. I'm sorry this is making me
Speaker 1: so angry, but like so many people do this shit,
Speaker 1: and they just pass it off as like locker room
Speaker 1: bullshit or just boys being boys. Go get therapy, figure
Speaker 1: out why you're bothering children with this shit, and like
Speaker 1: deal with their issues. Yes, like this is really fucked
Speaker 1: up and it affects people for many, many years. Well,
Speaker 1: I will say that there's just nowhere for people to
Speaker 1: go to say that they're into these things. And that
Speaker 1: is a huge problem with why they keep happening is because,
Speaker 1: based on my research, pedophiles have nowhere to turn to
Speaker 1: say I'm attracted to kids. I want to stick a
Speaker 1: broom up this kid's ass, and I don't know what
Speaker 1: to do about it, because if you are to tell
Speaker 1: I just started seeing a new therapist yesterday and before
Speaker 1: we get started it was the first time I ever
Speaker 1: have seen a therapist, And before we get started, she says,
Speaker 1: I want you to know everything here is confidential unless
Speaker 1: you tell me that you're harming someone, you intend to
Speaker 1: harm someone, you intend to harm yourself, or you are
Speaker 1: you know, I'm subpoena. And it was like, Okay, that's
Speaker 1: good to know, but at the same time, there needs
Speaker 1: to be a place. I know I've talked about it before,
Speaker 1: but there needs to be a place where people can go,
Speaker 1: because if I were to go, you know what I
Speaker 1: really have, I want to violate children to like my therapist,
Speaker 1: she would have to report me, and she probably would.
Speaker 1: And there should be a place for no maps to
Speaker 1: go that's non offending minor attracted persons. There's maps, and
Speaker 1: there's no maps, and no maps are good people that
Speaker 1: just have a fucking thing in their brain where they're
Speaker 1: attracted to kids. They cannot help it, but they're non
Speaker 1: offending and they want to be non offending, but they
Speaker 1: can't get support anywhere because if you admit you're attracted
Speaker 1: to kids, you're already kill them, filet them, put them
Speaker 1: away forever. They can't help their attracted to kids, just
Speaker 1: like you can't help you're attracted to women, or you
Speaker 1: can't help you're attracted to men. It's the same thing.
Speaker 1: They just got a fucking shit deal. And the ones
Speaker 1: that do, and the reason why they end up most
Speaker 1: of them end up offending is because they have nowhere
Speaker 1: to talk to you about it. And guess who are
Speaker 1: the only people that want to hear about them wanting
Speaker 1: to fuck kids? Other people that want to fuck kids. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and so guess who's not going to deter them from
Speaker 1: doing that. Other people who want to fuck kids. So
Speaker 1: then they go in these communities on the dark web
Speaker 1: and they support each other and they teach each other
Speaker 1: how to do it. So unless there's a place for
Speaker 1: them to go, it's going to keep happening. I think
Speaker 1: that's the route. What a starting. Oh, there's this by
Speaker 1: law that you can get twelve year olds working for you,
Speaker 1: and if you have a basement room, hide your porn
Speaker 1: down there and ask them to go get the milk
Speaker 1: bottles and hide the porn right under the milk bottles
Speaker 1: and that way, then go down right as they see
Speaker 1: the porn and go, hey do you like that? Oh,
Speaker 1: I saw my porn. They teach them like little shit
Speaker 1: like this that just opens the conversation and like opens
Speaker 1: the door. There's so many little things that they all
Speaker 1: share on these message boards from the podcast I've listened to.
Speaker 1: But essentially, until we allow them to admit that they
Speaker 1: are attracted to kids and that that's not their fault
Speaker 1: and we accept them for that, and we say, okay, well,
Speaker 1: you know, people who have homicidal thoughts and want to
Speaker 1: kill people, we give I think we give them help,
Speaker 1: and we go, okay, well you want to kill someone, Okay,
Speaker 1: let's help you not do that, or yeah, or anything
Speaker 1: that you you struggle with, let's help you not do that.
Speaker 1: But for them there's nothing. And so but I am
Speaker 1: seeing a new therapist and she's sucking dope. I'm seeing
Speaker 1: a somatic therapist. Oh yeah, so it's like tapping into
Speaker 1: your Yeah, Noah's like fucking finally, Nikki, she's tapping. She
Speaker 1: like taps into your It's not a tapping therapist. I
Speaker 1: don't need to use that word. But we talked about
Speaker 1: it with the trumpet before. But she plays taps. She's
Speaker 1: been tapping your clip. Yeah, yeah, that would be yeah.
Speaker 1: And I there's nowhere for her to go to talk
Speaker 1: about how that's like take care brush your pubic hair.
Speaker 1: I go, okay, it does the ass hair account because
Speaker 1: there's nothing will in the front. M Is that still
Speaker 1: your pubes your ass hair? Yeah? No, yeah, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: count it isn't any well, publius region is the front pubis.
Speaker 1: It's hair that has to do with puberty. You guys, Oh,
Speaker 1: I didn't know that. So you're it's like chess hair
Speaker 1: is Peter adults. Um, maybe arm hair, pubs or arm hair.
Speaker 1: I think I think so, wait, your pubist is that
Speaker 1: area though, you're yeah, that is the Yeah, so I
Speaker 1: think pubs have to be down there, so your asshole
Speaker 1: is pretty close. That's so funny that there is one
Speaker 1: hair that's a pube and right next to it. It's
Speaker 1: like you're not on the side man. Yeah, but it's
Speaker 1: like it's like, sorry, you're an asshole hair. You live
Speaker 1: in Jersey, dar, you're from New York City. You gotta
Speaker 1: go through the tunnel. They get to me. The tain
Speaker 1: is like what were they called in the Civil War?
Speaker 1: The Confederates, the Union and the pubes? What were they
Speaker 1: called in the Civil War? It's like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: you should know, wouldn't be and the seventeen eighteen hundreds,
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you say pubes back then the devil's lawn.
Speaker 1: Some they did not even address it. Talk about not
Speaker 1: addressing things back then. I mean, the first time you
Speaker 1: had sex was probably like the first time you would
Speaker 1: ever heard of sex back in the day, because there's
Speaker 1: probably no mention of it at all. Well, the religion,
Speaker 1: you know, they would squash that immediately and you wouldn't
Speaker 1: be able to talk about it until marriage, and then
Speaker 1: you'd be really horny on your wedding day, but you
Speaker 1: don't even know what you're horning for, Like you've never
Speaker 1: even where's that? Oh um the Warren Jeff's documentary, they
Speaker 1: have sex and they're like, I didn't even know this
Speaker 1: was a thing. And in the first time they're doing
Speaker 1: it was with an eighty year old man and these
Speaker 1: are girls like fourteen. Oh okay, So back to my therapist. Five. Wait,
Speaker 1: what a semantic mean? Oh yeah, one, semantic means like us,
Speaker 1: like your body. It's it's when your body stores trauma, um,
Speaker 1: and you use another like physical touch or sound to
Speaker 1: get it out. I think, oh, I didn't even know that.
Speaker 1: I just thought semantic meant like your body, like feeling things.
Speaker 1: So like she's asking a lot of like because I
Speaker 1: told her I've tried this before, and I started crying
Speaker 1: almost instantly. I did. I was not emotional yesterday at all.
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't even really feel like going
Speaker 1: to therapy. But and I didn't get she like asked
Speaker 1: me to go through my history of like trauma, and
Speaker 1: I'm like not even crying, not even like nothing is
Speaker 1: coming out, like she's like, thank you for sharing that
Speaker 1: with me. I'm like, it literally doesn't mean anything to me.
Speaker 1: Like I've shared this million times. I would do it
Speaker 1: on a podcast the Whole World. And then she goes, so,
Speaker 1: tell me your history was semantic, and I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: I went to this one woman. She would always ask me,
Speaker 1: like where do I feel that? Like I would talk
Speaker 1: about something painful or something happy, and she's like, no, no,
Speaker 1: do a body scan. Where are you feeling this? And
Speaker 1: I was like, and I could never feel it anywhere.
Speaker 1: I would make things up because I knew she wanted
Speaker 1: me to give her something like I know that and
Speaker 1: I and I was like, and I just I have
Speaker 1: friends who are like feel things. So like I was
Speaker 1: just thinking about Anya. She's so sensitive. She like will
Speaker 1: eat something that's like a little bit spicy and she's like,
Speaker 1: I just feel it in my tumue. Like you're you
Speaker 1: like have a sensitive you feel everything like you have
Speaker 1: you have so many feelings and like and I know that. Kirsten.
Speaker 1: She'll eat something like a little bit like m there's
Speaker 1: like I think there's tumeric in this and she didn't
Speaker 1: like tell It's like I would never know anything. I
Speaker 1: have no connection to my body. I think it would
Speaker 1: be good for you because it teaches you how to
Speaker 1: do that. Yeah, well, I start crying because I'm just
Speaker 1: like I just don't feel like a real woman, Like
Speaker 1: I just don't feel things. And then that's what made
Speaker 1: me start crying. I was like, I just don't. I
Speaker 1: just feel like I'm gonna lie to you just to
Speaker 1: give you what you want because you don't want me
Speaker 1: to feel it somewhere. But I don't feel it anywhere
Speaker 1: except in my head, like I don't know. I just
Speaker 1: get sad and it's like up here in my brain
Speaker 1: where thoughts are taking but I don't know. So we
Speaker 1: start going through stuff and she was like trying or
Speaker 1: the first session, she's trying to get me to go
Speaker 1: like to really painful stuff and then really happy stuff
Speaker 1: and just see the difference, like the juxtaposition. And I
Speaker 1: gotta be honest, I was kind of making stuff up
Speaker 1: because I just I didn't feel it anywhere. I was
Speaker 1: just like, I gotta fake it, because you're faking it
Speaker 1: is what makes it real. I've done that with orgasms too,
Speaker 1: Like I used to fake it before I was having
Speaker 1: one because I knew it would help me maybe get
Speaker 1: to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, eventually you will feel yeah yeah,
Speaker 1: but no, yesterday it really orgasms. It did work for me.
Speaker 1: But yesterday with the thing, she was asking me like,
Speaker 1: what's what's something you're looking forward to right now? And
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, well, I get to see Taylor
Speaker 1: Swift tonight, like I get to be in the same
Speaker 1: room as her. She was like, Okay, tell me about Taylor.
Speaker 1: And I started crying, like talking means to me, and
Speaker 1: I thought she was gonna be like, well, you're gay,
Speaker 1: is the thing, Like I thought she was gonna say,
Speaker 1: like I think you're a closeted because I was just
Speaker 1: like she's just like means so much to me and
Speaker 1: she's like my best friend. But I don't know what.
Speaker 1: I'm just so grateful and I was like crying about
Speaker 1: like getting to see her, and she was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: where are you feeling this? And I'm like I know
Speaker 1: what she wants to hear. I'm opening up. I'm not
Speaker 1: feeling like a little bird like when I was talking
Speaker 1: about my mom and like my childhood, I'm like this
Speaker 1: and now I'm like this and then so I just
Speaker 1: gave her that, But did I really feel it. I
Speaker 1: don't know, you're a performer. If this is, you're gonna
Speaker 1: be her tough, toughest challenge yet. She said, I did
Speaker 1: a really good job, and I was like drinned her. God,
Speaker 1: So initially when you were talking about your mom, you
Speaker 1: were like hunched over, I know with your arms. I
Speaker 1: saw that. And that's what she wants me to do,
Speaker 1: is just realize the thing's body things I'm doing when
Speaker 1: I'm just She's told me, like my assignment this week
Speaker 1: is just when I'm getting when I do these extremes,
Speaker 1: because she says, most people live in this like this
Speaker 1: like little river of you know, bad feelings and good feelings,
Speaker 1: and we can kind of like stabilize within that and
Speaker 1: it feels really bad and it feels really good but
Speaker 1: nothing too much. But often people get thrown off of
Speaker 1: that track and it goes really really bad. And I'm
Speaker 1: either way down here or way up here and there's
Speaker 1: no really in between, and I need to start feeling.
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going to happen when I'm able
Speaker 1: to target what my body is doing when I'm feeling
Speaker 1: those things, but I guess something's gonna cut. Something healing
Speaker 1: will come of it. I have no fucking clue. But
Speaker 1: so this therapist was really good. What was your favorite
Speaker 1: part about it that made you conclude she was good.
Speaker 1: She just had good questions. She kept me on track,
Speaker 1: she didn't let me go off because I can really
Speaker 1: obviously talk a lot. And uh yeah, she just asked
Speaker 1: really good questions and then she had really good insights
Speaker 1: into um why. She just right away got who I was.
Speaker 1: She was like, Okay, you have a you are full
Speaker 1: of energy, you are bursting with energy. You are not
Speaker 1: because I was telling her, I don't leave any time
Speaker 1: for slowness. Like I back, I back to back to back,
Speaker 1: schedule everything, because I don't want any time where it's
Speaker 1: like I could just do anything right now. I don't
Speaker 1: like that. I want everything. I literally will plant. So
Speaker 1: I go get coffee, I come back here, and I
Speaker 1: have five minutes to set up the thing and then
Speaker 1: you get here. Yeah, and like I don't want any
Speaker 1: time where I have could be on Instagram and I
Speaker 1: like will feel start to feel bad that I'm not
Speaker 1: posting a reel or something, you know, like I don't
Speaker 1: want any Yes, I'm a shark. Yeah, yeah, sharks can't stop. Yes,
Speaker 1: And so it happens. What do you feel? I guess
Speaker 1: that's the problem is like what I don't know. I think, well,
Speaker 1: because when I do stop, I get really depressed. But
Speaker 1: I have too much. When I have any time off
Speaker 1: that everyone so desperately wants for me, I fall into like, OK,
Speaker 1: really terrible depression. Yes, And so I'm trying to mitigate
Speaker 1: for that and try to not to have that happen.
Speaker 1: When I feel like I'm not producing or I'm not
Speaker 1: creating or I'm not busy equals I'm sad, and I
Speaker 1: start to compare myself and I start to just that's
Speaker 1: the problem. Yes, if you really truly want to be complete,
Speaker 1: then you have to be able to settle down and
Speaker 1: not do anything and not get depressed. But who gives
Speaker 1: a shit? Just do stuff? Yeah, that's what I say,
Speaker 1: because I'm taught, because when I'm doing stuff, I'm depressed too,
Speaker 1: because I just become like so tired, and I'm just
Speaker 1: like I just and you have something to complain about
Speaker 1: that justifies your feelings, as opposed to you're relaxing somewhere
Speaker 1: and you have no reason to complain and you're depressed anyway.
Speaker 1: Whereas people who work at a grocery store, like I
Speaker 1: would love to just take a week off. And you
Speaker 1: take a week off, you get depressed and it's like
Speaker 1: who you think you are and that makes you feel
Speaker 1: worse about yourself. Yes, exactly, Yes, walking even today, like
Speaker 1: I was kind of lamenting about something today and I
Speaker 1: saw like so many homeless people and schizophrenic people just
Speaker 1: like twitching and itching and begging for money with a
Speaker 1: blanket over them, and it was just like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: felt bad that I was even feeling bad, and um,
Speaker 1: but I've been doing this thing that has been so
Speaker 1: working lately, and it is I don't know where I
Speaker 1: got it from. I'd some you know, some fucking Instagram
Speaker 1: reel someone shared it. But what you do is it's
Speaker 1: happened for me about five times this week that I've
Speaker 1: been doing it. You jerk off your dog, Yeah, and
Speaker 1: he's out of come and I got to get a
Speaker 1: new dog. Was that funny? I? Yes, I said it,
Speaker 1: And then it was I give it like a seven seven.
Speaker 1: I think I bet people chuckled listening at home. It
Speaker 1: was out of nowhere. I didn't expect a call back
Speaker 1: to the jerking off of the dome was I think
Speaker 1: it was a good callback. I give it a seven.
Speaker 1: That's pretty good. It's really good. A seven's good. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna go crazy for it. But I didn't
Speaker 1: like it. Um and then I had a little fun
Speaker 1: follow up. I mean, I thought that was some good stuff.
Speaker 1: That was good podon so clip it. So then, um, okay,
Speaker 1: here's the here's the hack. When you get into a
Speaker 1: situation where you're like, oh my god, I'm gonna miss
Speaker 1: my flight, or like oh these bags are lost, or
Speaker 1: like um, oh my God, like we're gonna be late
Speaker 1: to this thing, or just some kind of urgent like bad,
Speaker 1: bad things happened to me, my life is over, like
Speaker 1: this is going horribly. I just go, I'm so lucky.
Speaker 1: Things just always work out for me. I'm so lucky.
Speaker 1: Literally say it out loud or say it in your head,
Speaker 1: and I swear to God it has worked every time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you just say when I get distressed. I did it
Speaker 1: this week when I was about to miss a flight.
Speaker 1: Another time when I was about I checked bags too
Speaker 1: late and it was not it was not looking like
Speaker 1: it was. I was, you know, in line doing this
Speaker 1: thing of like Jesus Christ, you know, saying that under
Speaker 1: my breath, doing my EJ. Glazer thing of like come on,
Speaker 1: you know, like talking to no one, but like wanting
Speaker 1: someone yes, but also wanting the person next to me
Speaker 1: to hear so that they get and they can be
Speaker 1: like I know and you're like yeah yeah, And then
Speaker 1: hopefully it works its way up and then they start
Speaker 1: sensing that the line is getting you know what, Now
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do it this faster because of all these grunts.
Speaker 1: But can they move a little faster? Sometimes the way
Speaker 1: they staple the boarding passes together, or the type they'll
Speaker 1: they'll put their palm on it and then press down.
Speaker 1: Just go to think like just be fast. But it's
Speaker 1: worked every single time I've done it. You've manifested the
Speaker 1: luck or you just feel better. No, it's I made
Speaker 1: my flight, the bag showed up, the bags got checked
Speaker 1: in time, the line suddenly started moving. Like if you
Speaker 1: just say and because it's not not true. If you
Speaker 1: are a person who's able to even take a flight
Speaker 1: or make a phone call, or be able to go
Speaker 1: see a doctor, whatever instance, you're you're already in the
Speaker 1: top one percent of luckiest people. There are billions of
Speaker 1: people who would kill to beat trade places with you
Speaker 1: no matter how like, if you're listening to this podcast
Speaker 1: right now, your life is better than literally ninety percent
Speaker 1: of the world, like world, honestly, your life is and
Speaker 1: if all the time, imagine now you're alive. Now, yeah,
Speaker 1: you've won the lottery. Absolutely, we're not Like you didn't
Speaker 1: get born into the Warren Jeff's cult. You didn't get
Speaker 1: born in you know, imagine you got born in the
Speaker 1: negative six hundred six, you'd be dead. You'd already be
Speaker 1: dead a hundred Yeah, we'd all be dead. Yes, maybe
Speaker 1: one of us would be like the elder of the tribe. Yeah. Um,
Speaker 1: and you're trying to get veneers. But even today, I
Speaker 1: was like going to complain about this more broad problem
Speaker 1: in my life of like this thing that's like just
Speaker 1: gnawing at me, that's more of like a existential problem.
Speaker 1: And I was like, instead of like just dooming and
Speaker 1: glooming about this, I'm just gonna say it's all gonna
Speaker 1: work out, Like I don't need to handle this thing today.
Speaker 1: I'm uncomfortable with this thing that's going on in my
Speaker 1: life right now. I want to change. I'm I'm scared
Speaker 1: for change, but I'm also wanting it to change, but
Speaker 1: I don't need to make a decision today. And I
Speaker 1: think that that's what gets on my gets in my
Speaker 1: head sometimes is when I'm like, let's say you're unhappy
Speaker 1: with your job or the place you're living, or your
Speaker 1: relationship or the car you're driving, whatever friendship you have,
Speaker 1: and you're like, I have to make a change, and
Speaker 1: you know you're not going to decide today. You know
Speaker 1: you're not going to, so stop putting the pressure on
Speaker 1: yourself to like make a decision today. Yeah, because all
Speaker 1: these things I'm always like I need and I know
Speaker 1: it's not time to decide yet. And instead I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna say I'm so lucky. I'm lucky that I even
Speaker 1: get to have this decision everything, and just to say
Speaker 1: it randomly, I'm so lucky. Everything always works out for me.
Speaker 1: I am a lucky person. And it's like lifts it
Speaker 1: and it's just going to take care of itself. Now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't have to do I don't have to decide anything,
Speaker 1: and I know it will. I said that about money
Speaker 1: all the time I go there, there, there, there will
Speaker 1: be more money. I say, spend it as much money
Speaker 1: as you want, because you'll just make the money. It
Speaker 1: doesn't work all the time, You'll just make the money
Speaker 1: and then now and so I basically I owe a
Speaker 1: lot of money to Chase, Like guy didn't Chase. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I named Chase, that friend a lot of money. I
Speaker 1: oh my god. I have a similar attitude toward money.
Speaker 1: And I think I've never said it out loud, Brian,
Speaker 1: but I relate a lot. I've always had an intuitive
Speaker 1: approach to money, Like I used to bounce checks all
Speaker 1: the time, and then I kind of got my shit
Speaker 1: together and like really got it together. And then once
Speaker 1: I got signed and I got with a financial advisor,
Speaker 1: and like a business manager, I just stopped. Like they
Speaker 1: do my taxes, I sign the paper, like they pay
Speaker 1: most of my bills. I don't want to think about it.
Speaker 1: And I'm so much happier now, you know. But I
Speaker 1: do have this weird thing where I just spend intuitively
Speaker 1: and intuitively when I'm like, I am not sure I
Speaker 1: can afford that, I just don't. I don't balance my
Speaker 1: check book now. I'm not that aware of things. I
Speaker 1: have like some clarity, but mostly I just rely on
Speaker 1: my intuition. And that's probably not that's good. But I
Speaker 1: think I'm the money. It just shows up. You don't
Speaker 1: spend more money than you can afford intuitively, and when
Speaker 1: you do go into crippling, horrific debt, which I've done
Speaker 1: many times. Oh god, one hundred thousand dollars on the
Speaker 1: credit card. Whoa, it's just what, it's just life. I
Speaker 1: don't work, I don't do anything. Yeah, And and then
Speaker 1: when I do work it's for I mean, so it's
Speaker 1: but then eventually it comes. Eventually it comes, yes, and
Speaker 1: then you and then you pay it down and everything's fine.
Speaker 1: And you know, there's no debtor's prison to say I
Speaker 1: am lucky, and there's no lucky, there's no debtor prison.
Speaker 1: You're not going to go into jail for you just
Speaker 1: might be on the streets. They might take away everything
Speaker 1: you hold dear, and and you might be cripple. You
Speaker 1: will never be able to buy a house. You'll never
Speaker 1: you want people to afford your next medical procedure. But
Speaker 1: you know what the street you might have no teeth,
Speaker 1: but now I have a nice pair of shoes. I
Speaker 1: up you going. Um. I do think an attitude of like, uh,
Speaker 1: some relaxation around money is really helpful for me. Like
Speaker 1: I okay, my mom and my dad. My dad is
Speaker 1: constantly stressing about money constantly, and my mom is very
Speaker 1: relaxed about money. My mom has vastly more money than
Speaker 1: my father. My father's always stressed out about it. You know.
Speaker 1: They're married, of course, but like they have their own
Speaker 1: separate accounts too, really, and one of my parents is
Speaker 1: so happy about money, never worries about it, and has
Speaker 1: tons of it, and the other is constantly micromanaging everything,
Speaker 1: so stressed out, freaked out, And it's just like I'm
Speaker 1: more like my mom, you know. And it's funny because
Speaker 1: the person who clings to money tends to be more
Speaker 1: miserable and lose it. My mom always says, it's energy.
Speaker 1: Money is just energy. Um. Yeah, your mom also said
Speaker 1: that breast cancer could be healed by rubbing your hands
Speaker 1: together and cupping your hands, warming the hands and placing
Speaker 1: them upon the breast. She wasn't wrong, Well you didn't know.
Speaker 1: But I was about to get a needle biopsy though,
Speaker 1: and then because of my mom, I was like, can
Speaker 1: we just take another look? And they did another ultras
Speaker 1: out and we're like, oh, actually we don't need to
Speaker 1: do any needle biopsy. We can just quickly aspirate that cyst.
Speaker 1: You're fine, just go home. No surgery, no needle biopsy. Yes, no, yeah.
Speaker 1: The money thing. I grew up with my parents vacillating
Speaker 1: between spending a lot, like buying an ice skating rink
Speaker 1: that you put in your backyard from Hammock or Slimmer
Speaker 1: like rich people shit for who for us Hammercker Slimmers
Speaker 1: like the sharper image, but for richer people. So like
Speaker 1: the cover is always like a trampoline on a lake,
Speaker 1: Like there's always like products for really rich like people,
Speaker 1: just you know, stuff that you would see at the succession,
Speaker 1: you know, houses, a fun stuff like a helicopter you
Speaker 1: can buy, or like a m a cryogenic chamber for
Speaker 1: your guest room. Like there's just shit like that. And
Speaker 1: so my dad bought an ice rink like fun. We
Speaker 1: would always do fun stuff. And then there was the
Speaker 1: also the word destitute thrown around all the time of
Speaker 1: like we are then it would it would vacillate, so
Speaker 1: I never knew where. So I I also vacilate between
Speaker 1: those two of like I have so much money, and
Speaker 1: then I don't look at it, and then I start
Speaker 1: going like I have none. Um, but I want to
Speaker 1: get back to um. So my lip was bleeding the
Speaker 1: other night. I go to my fitting and then I
Speaker 1: go to the improv to do a set and I'm
Speaker 1: about to walk on stage and it's already like scabbed
Speaker 1: over and I'm like, oh good, thank God. And then
Speaker 1: as I'm touching it to make sure it's just like
Speaker 1: not scapped over, I feel like a piece of skin
Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, that's gotta go, and They're like saying,
Speaker 1: my credits right, control yourself. I can't. I can't. When
Speaker 1: I gotta pick out there, I'm picking Nikki, and so
Speaker 1: I was just like, let me just get it because
Speaker 1: it'll just like be a little piece of skin. It's
Speaker 1: not gonna And then fucking I feel I pull it
Speaker 1: and it hurts, and I'm like, I know, I've been
Speaker 1: doing this since I was my teens. This is a bleeder.
Speaker 1: And I go on stage and I'm going like this
Speaker 1: and I go, guys, my lip is bleeding. I was like,
Speaker 1: and then I thankfully I have a joke for it
Speaker 1: where I'm like, you know, I just you know. I
Speaker 1: smiled too, like I was like, isn't it great when
Speaker 1: you pick out something? Because everyone relates to it my
Speaker 1: whole life. I'm shamed of my face bleeding when I
Speaker 1: pick at it too much. Turns out everyone knows what
Speaker 1: this is. Like every girl has picked at something too much.
Speaker 1: Every guy and every girl has covered it up with
Speaker 1: you know, plastered it with um powder to like seal it.
Speaker 1: And then you smile a weird way, or you hit
Speaker 1: it and it starts bleeding and you don't even know
Speaker 1: like everyone, and it's suddenly a relatable thing. So it
Speaker 1: honestly was one of the best sets I've had recently
Speaker 1: because I was able to start with such a relatable,
Speaker 1: honest thing of like the comedian is bleeding. She pointed
Speaker 1: it out, she said exactly what we're all thinking, which
Speaker 1: is like, what the fuck? So um And then last
Speaker 1: night I went to the iHeart Awards and it was
Speaker 1: still scabby, so I just put over it, like I
Speaker 1: just said, I didn't touch it all night, though I
Speaker 1: was because I can't. I couldn't risk bleeding on TV.
Speaker 1: We really buried the headline here, He's gonna go to
Speaker 1: a break but right now, but we're gonna come back
Speaker 1: and we'll get into the I Heeart Awards, which are
Speaker 1: last night where Taylor Swift was in attendance as well
Speaker 1: as yours truly, Nickie Cleanser. So we'll be back with
Speaker 1: the whole I heeart story right after this. All right,
Speaker 1: we're back. Um. So I went to the iHeart Radio
Speaker 1: Awards last night and the only reason I got to
Speaker 1: go is because the director Joe Gallen, who directed The Ross.
Speaker 1: This is how things work out in life. Did I
Speaker 1: already tell this? No? But this this is how things
Speaker 1: work out for me. Um. Joel Gallen directed The Ross,
Speaker 1: and when the Ross would air, he would have a
Speaker 1: party at his house for everyone that did it to come.
Speaker 1: And every single time I was always scared to go
Speaker 1: to these parties because it was just famous people there
Speaker 1: and also I have to watch myself, which I hate
Speaker 1: watching myself with an audience. And it was just like
Speaker 1: everything in me was like I don't want to go
Speaker 1: to this party. I don't want to do this, Like
Speaker 1: I'm scared, like Ian was the other day to go
Speaker 1: to the fucking um Mark Twain Prize. But I went
Speaker 1: right and in going to it, I got to meet Joel.
Speaker 1: I got to be because usually directors of shows you
Speaker 1: don't really meet, you mean, maybe once backstage and then
Speaker 1: they're out in a van outside the center running the
Speaker 1: show from a van, so you don't really see them
Speaker 1: and interact with them. But I got to know Joel.
Speaker 1: Joel also also um directed Chris Rocks recent special, which
Speaker 1: is great. He does like so many live events. He
Speaker 1: does them rock and Roll Hall of Fame Award or
Speaker 1: you know, a war induction. And because because I have
Speaker 1: his number now, I always text him, like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: whenever I see something he's done, I always like write
Speaker 1: him and let him know. And he does all these
Speaker 1: cool music things and which I'm huge music fans, so
Speaker 1: I've gotten to ask him about. There was this one
Speaker 1: shot of Taylor Swift did She performed at the Rock
Speaker 1: and Roll Hall of Fame and they were honoring Carly Simon,
Speaker 1: I believe, and she was singing will you Still Love
Speaker 1: Me Tomorrow? And they come around, the camera comes around
Speaker 1: and she just like shoots this glance at the camera
Speaker 1: right at the perfect time and like looks at her
Speaker 1: shoulder and like kind of gives it a nod. And
Speaker 1: I was obsessed with the shot. I'm like, how did
Speaker 1: she plan that to like look at the perfect time
Speaker 1: and do the sultry look and because at first she's
Speaker 1: singing ahead and you're like, she doesn't even know there's
Speaker 1: a camera there, and then she just hits it and
Speaker 1: like does a look, And it's one of my favorite
Speaker 1: little performance moments. So I wrote to Joel and I
Speaker 1: was like, tell me the story behind this shot. Did
Speaker 1: you guys rehearse this? Was this her idea? Was it
Speaker 1: your idea? Because the SHOT's amazing? And he said, and
Speaker 1: he's got to love this because nobody ever asks it
Speaker 1: shit like this. Yeah, I think I found that he's
Speaker 1: open to answering all my questions about this stuff. And
Speaker 1: by the way, no matter how big anyone is, they
Speaker 1: still want their work to be celebrated. And certainly people
Speaker 1: behind the scenes do not get as much credit for
Speaker 1: their work as people in front of the camera. So
Speaker 1: I wrote him and I was like, tell me about
Speaker 1: this little moment and if you watch the if you
Speaker 1: watch her singing this, you guys will know exactly what
Speaker 1: I'm talking about it. I think it's within the first
Speaker 1: minute and it's around her shoulder on the right side.
Speaker 1: And he said, not only did we not rehearse it,
Speaker 1: she had no idea what the cameras were. She that
Speaker 1: was just a live moment and she just sensed the camera.
Speaker 1: He said, I've never worked with anyone who is so
Speaker 1: intuitive when it comes to angles and shots, and she
Speaker 1: just saught. And if you look at this, I mean,
Speaker 1: this is something you would rehearse over and over to
Speaker 1: get it right because it's so perfect and it's such
Speaker 1: a great little moment, both on his part and hers.
Speaker 1: But that was a cool moment. So we just stayed
Speaker 1: in touch. And because he has a huge say in this.
Speaker 1: I heard Awards two years ago, he was like texted
Speaker 1: me and was like, would you want to present at
Speaker 1: the I Heeart Awards. I was like yes. He didn't
Speaker 1: even know I had a podcast with iHeartRadio like I
Speaker 1: Al Radio. No offense to you, guys, you had nothing
Speaker 1: to do with I mean, you had to approve it.
Speaker 1: But Joe Joel Gallan is the one who submitted me
Speaker 1: and thought I would be great, and then I did
Speaker 1: it two years ago, and then I did it, and
Speaker 1: then he wrote me again this year and he called me.
Speaker 1: He was even like, Okay, we can get you on
Speaker 1: a flight from Seattle to like after your Eugene show,
Speaker 1: you can come in on And he was like checking flights.
Speaker 1: I'm like, it's someone else supposed to be doing this,
Speaker 1: so he gets me to do this thought, I heeart
Speaker 1: fight you up to this? No? Why Joel Gallan? And
Speaker 1: this is this is why you have to go to
Speaker 1: things and you have to meet people and this is
Speaker 1: like part of the schmoozing thing and you have to
Speaker 1: be nice and you have Tom. It wasn't anything but
Speaker 1: genuine to Joel, but like me, developing a relationship with
Speaker 1: him led to this. And you realize so many people
Speaker 1: in this business get opportunities because they have prior relationships.
Speaker 1: It's all about yeah, like how about you and Adam
Speaker 1: ruins everything like how did you get that? Get? Well,
Speaker 1: that was a blind packet submission, so like literally didn't
Speaker 1: know who submitted the packet. So the opposite of the
Speaker 1: story met once I got the interview. Yes, I already
Speaker 1: knew Adam, So once I got the interview, it was like,
Speaker 1: well I know him, obviously we're gonna hire go he
Speaker 1: had he blind submitted a packet. My friend blind submitted
Speaker 1: a packet and got this far. We're not gonna not
Speaker 1: hire him now, yes, and now we know it's my
Speaker 1: friend and he's a white man. Bring him in. Yes, yes, no,
Speaker 1: that's that's the way to do twenty sixteen. Yeah, before
Speaker 1: we hear you guys were the Devil. Yeah, I feel
Speaker 1: um anyway, So I get to go and um, Taylor
Speaker 1: Swift is gonna and Joel tells me Taylor Swift is
Speaker 1: gonna be in the building. I'm like, is she performing
Speaker 1: And he's like, no, she's accepting an award, but she's
Speaker 1: going to be there. And I'm like, oh my god.
Speaker 1: So and he's like, we'll sit you within you know,
Speaker 1: we'll sit you in close range. So I got I
Speaker 1: get there last night, the red carpet is like full
Speaker 1: of like there's a line to get into the red
Speaker 1: carpet and it is like so packed, and I'm doing
Speaker 1: my thing of like you're lucky, You're just lucky things
Speaker 1: work out for you. Because I'm like, I've got fifteen
Speaker 1: minutes before I need to be inside the theater. The
Speaker 1: show starts, and this red carpet is backed up with
Speaker 1: people no one you would recognize, like Chris and I
Speaker 1: Chris Condy, my boyfriend went with me. We were both like,
Speaker 1: we don't recognize we don't know any of these people.
Speaker 1: I saw Emma from dancing with the stars who I
Speaker 1: always see in line when we were at these things.
Speaker 1: I saw, I guess Dojakat, which I didn't know it
Speaker 1: was her at first because she had like blonde hair.
Speaker 1: She did not look like Dojakat to me last night,
Speaker 1: and I saw, like some country stars you could just
Speaker 1: tell who's famous because they're just dressed nicer. They just
Speaker 1: look so cool. And I looked pretty cool last night too,
Speaker 1: because I had a great team working on me all day,
Speaker 1: so I had an amazing dress, amazing hairmakeup. I looked
Speaker 1: important for sure. I stood out because like the effort
Speaker 1: went into it. So I get on the carpet, Chris
Speaker 1: gets supposed with me for some and then I do
Speaker 1: some solo ones and then we get down the line
Speaker 1: and there's like all these interviews, so I have to
Speaker 1: use the pictures. Then there's all the press doing interviews
Speaker 1: like extra and you know TMZ and not associated press,
Speaker 1: like you know, all the junkets, and Chris is like,
Speaker 1: do you want to do these? And I have a
Speaker 1: guy like walking me down the red carpet, but he's
Speaker 1: not really like he's like, I don't know how to
Speaker 1: do this. I think this is his first day on
Speaker 1: the job, and I'm like, you don't how to do
Speaker 1: your job. So I Chris starts going up to people
Speaker 1: and I see him getting rejected of like do you
Speaker 1: want to talk to Nikki Glazer? And they're just like
Speaker 1: we're good. Like I see him getting knows because they
Speaker 1: don't even know. They don't know whom. It's fine, they
Speaker 1: don't know who. There's too many people to know. And
Speaker 1: this is a music event, like if you're doing your research,
Speaker 1: you're not You're not even expecting Nick Glazer to be here.
Speaker 1: So I'm like I can't watch Chris get rejected anymore.
Speaker 1: I just need to show myself. So I go up
Speaker 1: to this guy at E and I go, Hi, Nikki
Speaker 1: Glazer how to show on E? Like do you want
Speaker 1: to talk to me? And you could tell he did
Speaker 1: not did not want to at all, but like it's me.
Speaker 1: He can turn down Chris for me, but he can't
Speaker 1: turn down me. So he's just like, how are you
Speaker 1: feeling tonight? And it's like looking past me looking for
Speaker 1: anyone more famous, any you know. It was just and
Speaker 1: then after the interview, I just go Chris, we don't
Speaker 1: need to do this because these interviews never even show
Speaker 1: up anywhere. I never even see them when I do
Speaker 1: do them. So I was like, only when somebody is
Speaker 1: particularly rude do they show up. That's the only time
Speaker 1: I ever see him. It is like that person was
Speaker 1: rude to this reporter, or that reporter was really rude
Speaker 1: today they said an awkward thing like the Hugh Grant moment,
Speaker 1: or but yes, it's a no win situation, totally true.
Speaker 1: Those I don't know where else those are showing up?
Speaker 1: Who watches extra? I'm sorry? And the nail salon sometimes
Speaker 1: I have to because it's on the screen or whatever.
Speaker 1: Yesterday was Deal or No Deal from two thousand and eight.
Speaker 1: I was like, my good Mark, I was like riveted
Speaker 1: on a on a Deal or No Deal episode yesterday
Speaker 1: it was so fun. That shows so fun. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: forget how it's so it's not really an interview, but
Speaker 1: you're on page six. Yeah you're right under Kravts for
Speaker 1: outfits on the red carpet. Oh really, what at the
Speaker 1: what's my captain? Because the Daily Mail Captain was hilarious.
Speaker 1: It was like Nicky Glazer glitters in gold and displays
Speaker 1: her long glowing tan legs. So it's Nicky Glazer wearing
Speaker 1: a nude embellished dress. Oh all right, I'll take it.
Speaker 1: For some people. Page six is the pinnacle of fame.
Speaker 1: I mean under Lenny Kravitz too. That's not bad. My
Speaker 1: placement was pretty good Daily Mail. You had to scroll
Speaker 1: so hard you get carpal tunnel to get down to
Speaker 1: where my photo was. Poread. I mean it was so
Speaker 1: long down like I'm literally like the fortieth person down.
Speaker 1: I'm right like a teen mom is right before me.
Speaker 1: I think from MTB's team, mom Um, But uh yeah,
Speaker 1: Letny Kravitz host it. So that's a good placement on
Speaker 1: page six. Thank you. Page six, So I get through,
Speaker 1: We go inside, and we walked on this gauntlet. So
Speaker 1: after the red carpet, there's a gauntlet of fans, like
Speaker 1: I'm not kidding you, a tenth of a mile, like
Speaker 1: a pretty long gauntlet of like on both sides, no
Speaker 1: one said anything to me. I got through. Chris was
Speaker 1: about to film, and I go, don't film this. This
Speaker 1: is so embarrassing, and I look important, Like, my god,
Speaker 1: it looks like clearly someone should take a picture of
Speaker 1: this lady. She looks like she's coming through with like
Speaker 1: a team. No one cared, and so I started going,
Speaker 1: I'm Nicky Glazer. I'm and then they start going nicky Nikky.
Speaker 1: So I have to do that for myself, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm a funny comedian you might recognize and then they
Speaker 1: start recognizing me. But they didn't. I just don't think
Speaker 1: people contextually were thinking I would be there. Adam music
Speaker 1: that you need to hire a town crier. You need to,
Speaker 1: like in medieval times, you need someone to come out
Speaker 1: with the trumpet, maybe on your dad, yeah, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: and blow the trumpet and then this is ni. Here
Speaker 1: comes Nicky Glazer. She's a funny comedian. When they do
Speaker 1: on the red carpet, generally they have a person come
Speaker 1: out and go it's Nicky Glazer. She has a new
Speaker 1: show coming out on e she has a podcast, and
Speaker 1: then everyone starts. So I didn't have that yesterday. They
Speaker 1: had a little click. They had a whiteboard, so the
Speaker 1: photographers knew who I was and said Nicky Glazer presenter,
Speaker 1: and so they knew, but all the fans had no
Speaker 1: idea until I started telling them, and then they're freaking out.
Speaker 1: I do the same thing when TMZ vans drive by.
Speaker 1: I always on the street. I'm always like, I'm Niggay Glazer,
Speaker 1: I'm a host of fon. You saw someone famous today?
Speaker 1: And then they take pictures but they don't really know
Speaker 1: who I am. Yes, people, I lie, you do what
Speaker 1: do you say? I say, like, I produce burn Notice
Speaker 1: or something, and then the guy the tour guide gets
Speaker 1: to say, oh, there is a producer, Yeah that is
Speaker 1: I'm like eating a corned beef sandwich and I said,
Speaker 1: I produced bird Notice. I used to say, um, I'm
Speaker 1: friends with Amy Schumer before I was famous, That's what
Speaker 1: I would say, and people literally would take pictures of me.
Speaker 1: But um so now, so I go into the thing
Speaker 1: and I were early and it's filling up slowly, and
Speaker 1: I'm just waiting for Taylor to come in. I don't
Speaker 1: have to wonder when Taylor is in the room, you
Speaker 1: know why, because people start shrieking their fucking faces off.
Speaker 1: So I hear shrieking and I know exactly that Taylor's
Speaker 1: in the room, and she comes in and um, she
Speaker 1: is wearing I don't know if you guys saw it,
Speaker 1: She's wearing like a hooded, sparkly amazing outfit. It harkens
Speaker 1: back to not only reputation era, which is maybe we're
Speaker 1: getting a hint that the new her new Tailor's version
Speaker 1: is going to be reputation. I think this is more
Speaker 1: of a reference to her Bejeweled video, in which she's
Speaker 1: wearing a sparkly bejeweled hood. It almost is the identical
Speaker 1: to the video. So I don't think this is a
Speaker 1: reputation thing. Any Swift he's listening. I saw it. I
Speaker 1: thought it looked like I thought it was awesome looking
Speaker 1: reminded me of Cha chain mail. Yes, and I was like,
Speaker 1: all right, she's going for battle. Oh yes, well that
Speaker 1: was a reputation era. She was ready for battle. That
Speaker 1: was after Kanye stuff, and so that was like so
Speaker 1: she and maybe it was in reference step, but she
Speaker 1: looked fucking cool as fuck. It was one of my
Speaker 1: favorite looks of her ever. So she walks in, she
Speaker 1: is five rows in front of me, um, which is yeah,
Speaker 1: rying as soon as she walks in, even though I
Speaker 1: have been this close to her before. I was close
Speaker 1: to her on the rooftop for the nineteen eighty nine
Speaker 1: premiere that Chris got me into and we both made
Speaker 1: eye contact and I go, it's cold, and she goes,
Speaker 1: it is and so we had a moment. So there,
Speaker 1: I was close to her in that moment. I met
Speaker 1: her backstage at the Red Tour. That was before I
Speaker 1: was a swifty, So I've been closer before, but this
Speaker 1: has been you know, my fandom has gone up so
Speaker 1: much more even since the nineteen eighty nine moment on
Speaker 1: the rooftop. That being this close to her now is
Speaker 1: as if I'm inside her compared to those moments, like,
Speaker 1: it's so much closer than even hugging her. I hugged
Speaker 1: her at the Red Tour. I took a picture I
Speaker 1: talked on many years ago. Was that that was twenty thirteen, Okay,
Speaker 1: so over ten years ago. Yeah, And it was before
Speaker 1: I was a swifty. I was just like, this girl
Speaker 1: is so amazing. But I didn't know. I didn't know
Speaker 1: where it would take me. I became a swifty when
Speaker 1: Blank Space came out. That was the moment it hit
Speaker 1: me and I go, my life has forever changed. I
Speaker 1: will never not be obsessed with this woman and in
Speaker 1: love with her. And so she so last night, I'm
Speaker 1: a little I get tier eyed when she walks in
Speaker 1: because she's just right there and I just know she's
Speaker 1: like taking a break from her tour. Right now, she
Speaker 1: is exhausted. She is doing this for us, She's doing this.
Speaker 1: She's just given so much, and I'm just And then
Speaker 1: I start getting really territorial because first of all, she
Speaker 1: has a huge team. The show hasn't started yet, she
Speaker 1: has a huge team around her. First, we watched a
Speaker 1: Pink performance because it was a pre tape. It was
Speaker 1: the opening performance, but they've to clear the stage, so
Speaker 1: the only thing they pre taped was the Pink performance
Speaker 1: and then that air five minutes later, so they taped that.
Speaker 1: She wasn't in the room. Then she gets brought in
Speaker 1: the room. Then we're kind of waiting and people surround her,
Speaker 1: and thank god, because people are trying to come up
Speaker 1: to her. People are freaking I mean, everyone's freaking out.
Speaker 1: Everyone's a goddamn swifty And and then Flava Flave, by
Speaker 1: the way, is right next to me. He seated like
Speaker 1: three rows ahead of me, and he's on the right side.
Speaker 1: So there's an aisle. I'm right on the aisle. Taylor
Speaker 1: Swift is in front of me five rows. Flavor Flav
Speaker 1: is to the right across the aisle, but closer to Taylor,
Speaker 1: probably two rows ahead, and I see Flavor Flav get
Speaker 1: up and start walking to Taylor Swift and I just
Speaker 1: go you stay away from because I know Flavor Flav.
Speaker 1: I mean Flavor Flav. Everyone loves Flavor Flav, no question
Speaker 1: about it. He's just a kind person. I used to
Speaker 1: watch Flavor of Love. I love him of that show.
Speaker 1: He's just and he's so cute and he's like dressed
Speaker 1: with his clock and um and Chris was like, why
Speaker 1: is here him? I was like, he was getting a
Speaker 1: lifetime achieve an award from Time from the clock appreciative
Speaker 1: of the concept of time is honoring him tonight. So
Speaker 1: he walks over and I'm like, and I'm saying this
Speaker 1: to everyone who approaches you, get away from her. Don't
Speaker 1: sap her energy, because she's gonna have She's gonna be
Speaker 1: nice because she's a nice person. So she's not gonna
Speaker 1: be a diva to anyone. She has to have diva's
Speaker 1: around her protecting her. But he found an in and Flavor.
Speaker 1: If you look, there's Getty images. There's so many images
Speaker 1: of her and Flavor Flavor. It's like the funniest thing.
Speaker 1: And they're taking a selfie together and people are making
Speaker 1: front of Taylor for taking They saying it's such a
Speaker 1: millennial thing and not a gen Z thing to take
Speaker 1: a pick selfie and to take it with the upper volume.
Speaker 1: Do you do you know that takes a picture? I like,
Speaker 1: if we were to take a sey of course, Okay,
Speaker 1: so it's the upper volume instead of pressing on the
Speaker 1: thing itself, you just go like this and that's millennial
Speaker 1: and it takes a photo. Gen Z's making fun of it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're making like, look how she takes a photo. I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's the smart way. How does gen Z do it?
Speaker 1: Like this? No face of it itself. It's so much harder.
Speaker 1: So yeah, so here's this took so long for them
Speaker 1: to figure out how to do though, because at first
Speaker 1: he comes over, she's got to give Flavor Flav the respect. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and she's like, oh, I'm sure. She's like, but I
Speaker 1: have to say this was all because he breached her
Speaker 1: security line and just no, it's gonna well because it's
Speaker 1: just it's on security line. It was just like her, like,
Speaker 1: it's not actually security, it's just people. It's like her,
Speaker 1: like publicists and stuff. So he just comes up because
Speaker 1: he's Flavor Flav like no one's gonna be like, get
Speaker 1: out of your flavor, Flavor, you're famous. He blinds them.
Speaker 1: They start like just a burn hole through their head
Speaker 1: burn notice. And so he gets it, and she's of
Speaker 1: course going to be nice. But that was not like
Speaker 1: a planned thing. That was flavor flav just inserting himself,
Speaker 1: not understanding. I don't think he understands how off limits
Speaker 1: this woman shouldn't be like the Bachelor. If you want
Speaker 1: time with the Bachelor, you gotta be like yeah. And
Speaker 1: then they took me backstage to go. So he gets
Speaker 1: that picture and she's obviously so nice. Then she gets
Speaker 1: her award and she dives the best speech. She talks
Speaker 1: about how everyone sees how often she wins, and it's
Speaker 1: like all you see or her successes, but she's failed
Speaker 1: so many times. And she was like, thousands and thousands
Speaker 1: of times, I have done the wrong thing, I've written
Speaker 1: the wrong song, I've I've failed and you don't see that,
Speaker 1: but that is what happens, so please, she goes, I
Speaker 1: hate failing. I'm never gonna be comfortable with it. It's
Speaker 1: embarrassing to fail, but I give myself permission to fail.
Speaker 1: And I thought that was a really nice thing for
Speaker 1: her to say, and she said, especially I want to
Speaker 1: say this, especially to young people. And I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: I need to hear this, bitch. I so needed it.
Speaker 1: So her speech was just so sweet and she's just
Speaker 1: this is why I love her, because she's she's she's
Speaker 1: just like you guys, oh my god, thank you. Like
Speaker 1: she's honestly still like like shocked that people are like God.
Speaker 1: She goes, thank you for the clapping, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: that's so nice. Like she's still like she's also thank
Speaker 1: you for putting that video together. Yeah, thank you for
Speaker 1: putting the video together. That video all those people because
Speaker 1: there was like this montage video people talking about how
Speaker 1: great she has all these celebrities and she's like, I
Speaker 1: can't believe that video. And it's like, Taylor, yes, you like,
Speaker 1: but she really doesn't. She's still humble enough, or maybe
Speaker 1: she's pretending to be, but I don't think it's pretend
Speaker 1: because a lot of Swifties have compiled videos of her
Speaker 1: from childhood videos that have been released, and she was
Speaker 1: always a grateful little girl. She's always like thank you,
Speaker 1: thank Like even when she was three, she was thanking
Speaker 1: people and saying please and thank you. And that's why
Speaker 1: I like Taylors because she has like normal parents that
Speaker 1: don't look like botox to death. They don't look like
Speaker 1: fame pushing parents. They're just like good people. And so
Speaker 1: I get brought back during the fourth act, and my
Speaker 1: part is in the seventh act, so they bring me
Speaker 1: back early to go get touch ups and go over
Speaker 1: the prompter and figure it out. And and I'm struggling
Speaker 1: with my joke because it's kind of like lame because
Speaker 1: I tried to do other jokes. So I'm presenting the
Speaker 1: best new artists to perform, and I wanted to do
Speaker 1: like in my tone of voice, which was like the
Speaker 1: best new artist. Think about it, think about how I go.
Speaker 1: No matter who you love, I said something I wanted
Speaker 1: to do a bit to the effect of your favorite
Speaker 1: artist was once the best new artist, or like was
Speaker 1: a new artist. Everyone you know and love and think
Speaker 1: they've been around forever has once been a new artist.
Speaker 1: Because it's almost my point about when people go who's
Speaker 1: this girl? When I show up on something, they're like,
Speaker 1: who is this? And you just go, did you know
Speaker 1: who Tom Hanks was? Forever? There's a point where you
Speaker 1: figure out who everyone's new at some point, like you
Speaker 1: gotta you gotta meet me at some point and then
Speaker 1: you'll like me. But when you were born, the doctor
Speaker 1: was like, who the hell, I don't know this at all?
Speaker 1: Why would they cast her in my Yeah, people just
Speaker 1: are confused. So my point was going to be like
Speaker 1: at one I wrote this, that was like there was
Speaker 1: even a one point when someone was like who is
Speaker 1: this and they're like it's this hot new guy Beethoven
Speaker 1: And they're like, this is sick box. Doesn't stand a chance,
Speaker 1: Like there was a there was a time when Beethoven
Speaker 1: was the hot new kid on the scene. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: k too. Yeah was he he's a child prodigy? Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that makes sense. Um, And then there was another run
Speaker 1: I had about um, oh, I was gonna say even
Speaker 1: Taylor Swift was a new artist at one point. There
Speaker 1: was a point when someone was like, oh no, I
Speaker 1: was gonna say scratch that. I said Taylor Swift. So
Speaker 1: my thing was gonna be you know, I'm presenting for
Speaker 1: best new art I'm presenting these best new artists, and
Speaker 1: every artist you know and love has once been a
Speaker 1: new artist. There was a time where someone was like,
Speaker 1: who is this she's really good. Taylor Shift, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: Taylor Shift is great. I'm a shifty and I was
Speaker 1: gonna like have that be a joke, but they were like,
Speaker 1: we don't want that. And then another joke guy wrote
Speaker 1: was gonna be like, you know, there's nothing like the
Speaker 1: first time you hear your new favorite song and you go,
Speaker 1: who is this? She's amazing and they go, that's Rob
Speaker 1: Snyder's daughter, the girl that sings exes and oh's they
Speaker 1: want me? You know jasiders real yesh, my god. So
Speaker 1: they vetoed those. So I ended up doing I ended
Speaker 1: up doing a more generic like thing of um, you know,
Speaker 1: you just I heeart always has the greatest new music,
Speaker 1: whether you're looking for something to listen to at the gym,
Speaker 1: or you're need something to cry to, or you're just
Speaker 1: crying at the gym, not because you're sad, because you're
Speaker 1: trying to get the free weights to yourself. No one
Speaker 1: knows what to do with a sobbing woman doing him
Speaker 1: thrust to Anti Hero or something like that. So, um,
Speaker 1: I ended up doing that. But I go backstage and
Speaker 1: on the way back stage because I have a little time,
Speaker 1: my handler is like Taylor Swift's over here. Do you
Speaker 1: want do you want to try to meet her? And
Speaker 1: I go, no, I'm not I'm not flavor flaving. I
Speaker 1: don't want to bug her. I'm not in I'm not
Speaker 1: in this to bug I'm I want to leave her alone.
Speaker 1: I don't want her to know. I don't need her
Speaker 1: to lay focus on me. And so I passed up
Speaker 1: the opportunity to find her. I didn't want to do it.
Speaker 1: It wasn't the right time. I just didn't feel right.
Speaker 1: And then I go backstage. I do my thing. Kelly
Speaker 1: Clarkson comes off stage. Her and Pink performed together. I
Speaker 1: missed that performance because I'm backstage. But they come off
Speaker 1: and Kelly like kind of I go, great job, and
Speaker 1: Kelly's like, oh my god, hi, and she gives me
Speaker 1: a hug, which is really nice because she doesn't have
Speaker 1: to recognize me, even though I've been on her show
Speaker 1: three times, but like, still, I wouldn't expect her to
Speaker 1: remember me, and she was like, I never see you
Speaker 1: in this context. Oh my god. Hello. She was so nice,
Speaker 1: and I heard her backstage say to Pink after they
Speaker 1: go off stage. I never get nervous singing, except if
Speaker 1: i'm singing with you, which I thought was kind of
Speaker 1: a cool little backstage moment of like she really reveres
Speaker 1: Pink's voice. Yeah, yeah, I thought that was cool. And
Speaker 1: so then I do my thing and I have to
Speaker 1: walk upstairs, and I have the pointiest shoes I've ever had.
Speaker 1: They look like elf shoes. Let me just show you
Speaker 1: with them. They're the longest shoes I've ever worn in
Speaker 1: my life, and they're pretty interesting. Look at they have
Speaker 1: a spring that rats around your own leg. Okay, this
Speaker 1: is so funny the shoe and pay off of a person.
Speaker 1: It's very long, but look at how much more war
Speaker 1: it's coming. My foot ends there and it's coming off that.
Speaker 1: And I have to walk upstairs. This is a classic
Speaker 1: tripping shoe, like where you know when you have slightly
Speaker 1: bigger shoes and you start hitting the stair and you trip.
Speaker 1: So I have to walk up stairs, Briar. This is
Speaker 1: like a little joker shoe. Back in medieval times, the
Speaker 1: length Corchester. Sorry, the length of this thing was like
Speaker 1: a It was like a man would wear them. It
Speaker 1: was a fashion statement for men. And the longer you're
Speaker 1: the big shoe. Yeah, basically kind of Oh wow, So
Speaker 1: I'm walking upstairs, I'm like, oh my god. So I
Speaker 1: practice it and it goes fine. And I have to
Speaker 1: say every single time I presented an award recently or
Speaker 1: done like any kind of prompt or reading an award show,
Speaker 1: which has been several times recently, I flubbed a line
Speaker 1: and I don't really care because no one cares. But
Speaker 1: it's like, you're just nerves, you flubb line. And I
Speaker 1: had a lot of copy to get through it to
Speaker 1: be like and infinitely brings you the best new artist
Speaker 1: who helps you discover and I heard helps you discover
Speaker 1: your next favorite artist that is infinitely you, infinitely you,
Speaker 1: and like all these and then I had to say
Speaker 1: a four artist names and present them and I didn't
Speaker 1: fuck up a single line. I nailed it. And I
Speaker 1: got the note right before from Joel Gallen. Someone Joel
Speaker 1: told someone, the director told someone to tell me, hey.
Speaker 1: And the guy that was working with me, by the way,
Speaker 1: was the same guy that came out on stage when
Speaker 1: they presented the wrong Best Picture nomination of the Oscars.
Speaker 1: He was the one that came out on stage and
Speaker 1: was like, no, no, no, no no no, it was not
Speaker 1: La La Land. And so he that guy was famous.
Speaker 1: I didn't find out till after. Chris was like, you
Speaker 1: know the guy that was your stage manager, he's the
Speaker 1: guy that was the Oscars And I was like, ah,
Speaker 1: he's famous. And he was really nice and was a
Speaker 1: fan of mine and we were talking about Saint Louis
Speaker 1: and stuff. But anyway, Joel had one of the writers
Speaker 1: come up to me and go, hey, can you go fast?
Speaker 1: And I was like, that's the that's the name of
Speaker 1: the game, Like, are you kid me? And I was like,
Speaker 1: I am good. And that's why I didn't try to
Speaker 1: fight for my the line. I wanted to say, I'm
Speaker 1: a team player at these things. I want I'm serving Joel,
Speaker 1: who is the director. I want to give him a
Speaker 1: smooth show. And so I zipped through it. I nailed it.
Speaker 1: And then after the show, Chris and I went to
Speaker 1: go get pizza and we're sitting at the restaurant and
Speaker 1: he gets a text from UM like the another one
Speaker 1: of the UM big like number two in line I
Speaker 1: think right underneath Joel and he said Nikki must be
Speaker 1: gunning to host this thing. Because I was in the
Speaker 1: control room and the execs at Fox go, that's the
Speaker 1: energy we want brought to this that I was like, yes,
Speaker 1: all right, it's good, it's good to fight. Yes, but Kravitz,
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm no Lenny Kravitz, but I do think
Speaker 1: I am a really good host. And it was like
Speaker 1: it was a nice reminder to not do because Chris
Speaker 1: last night, when I final thought, was helping me with
Speaker 1: my line, because I was working with writers and texting
Speaker 1: with them about what I was going to say to present,
Speaker 1: and Chris was like, you can do this generic one
Speaker 1: or do you think do you think Schumer would do
Speaker 1: the generic one? Do you think Tina Fey or Sarah
Speaker 1: Silverman would do the generic one? Or would they try
Speaker 1: to fight for what they want to do? And I
Speaker 1: was like, I do believe they would fight for it,
Speaker 1: but I don't think this is the place to do that.
Speaker 1: Like I think there's a time and a place to
Speaker 1: fight for originality and to be yourself, but like, I
Speaker 1: think it's better for me to work with what I'm
Speaker 1: they're giving me and make that my own, as opposed
Speaker 1: to trying to buck the system and inject something that
Speaker 1: is not what is already approved by this sponsored event.
Speaker 1: And then I heard Taylor Swift speech of saying, you know,
Speaker 1: I she gave. So she got two awards last night,
Speaker 1: and she one of her speeches was also about it
Speaker 1: was also inspiring, was saying about Anti here at one
Speaker 1: for Best Song, and she said, we really didn't think
Speaker 1: this was going to be the single because this song
Speaker 1: isn't like a classic single song. It's not I didn't
Speaker 1: think it was like, you know, catchy enough, not simple enough.
Speaker 1: It wasn't all of these things that a single needs
Speaker 1: to be. And so when I said it was going
Speaker 1: to be the single, I knew people are going to
Speaker 1: be disappointed. And she said, but I have never like
Speaker 1: the for it. Yeah, she won Best Song for it,
Speaker 1: so it obviously did work. But she said she said
Speaker 1: something to the effect of when I've played it safe,
Speaker 1: it hasn't worked out for me. When I give people
Speaker 1: what they want, and when it doesn't work out, it's
Speaker 1: doing the thing that I want to do and trusting
Speaker 1: my intuition and trying to be different. Everyone's telling you
Speaker 1: to be like other people, but the thing that's really
Speaker 1: going to set you apart and make you successful is
Speaker 1: doing what is uniquely you. And so then I heard that,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, I should have done my own line.
Speaker 1: So I was getting mixed messages, which you always get
Speaker 1: and which is always kind of my final thought on
Speaker 1: the show, which is like I get told one thing
Speaker 1: and then I get told another. But I think I did.
Speaker 1: I did a perfect mix of like falling in line
Speaker 1: when you have to, but also injecting yourself into it
Speaker 1: and making the most of a moment when you find
Speaker 1: yourself back to do a corner where you're not going
Speaker 1: to get to be yourself, and being a team player
Speaker 1: and knowing the job. My job was not to go
Speaker 1: in and be Nicki Glazer and be memorable. It was
Speaker 1: to present a little award, keep things tight. I'm a
Speaker 1: I'm a professional presenter. I'm a professional host. Most of
Speaker 1: these people presenting awards are like musicians who are still
Speaker 1: trying to be kind of cool. They don't know how
Speaker 1: to read a prompter. My role was to keep the
Speaker 1: show moving and that's what I did, and I hope
Speaker 1: I get to do it again. I probably will because
Speaker 1: of that. So nice. You had a choice to make,
Speaker 1: I mean you could you chose. The one choice was
Speaker 1: do I want to do what the producers and the
Speaker 1: creators of this show would want, or do I want
Speaker 1: to make like a few more fans. Basically, yes, they're
Speaker 1: both are equal choices. Yes, and I've I've done the
Speaker 1: other thing before. And I have to say when I
Speaker 1: try to oftentimes trying to be I mean, Chris even
Speaker 1: said it, I would I would have trying been trying
Speaker 1: to be Amy Schumer er Tina Fey in that moment,
Speaker 1: because it isn't like me to go like I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna fucking do what I want, like I would have
Speaker 1: been imitating someone else even to be different. So also,
Speaker 1: your joke and your delivery is yours, so it is
Speaker 1: essentially used. I was able to make it me because
Speaker 1: at first the joke was like or you're just crying
Speaker 1: at the gym, and then it's over, and Chris was like,
Speaker 1: it's kind of like a crying woman joke, like we've
Speaker 1: heard it. It's just like women cry. It's just like,
Speaker 1: I don't know. And then when Jocelyn Hughes, a writer,
Speaker 1: changed it and she was like, I'm not sad, it
Speaker 1: was just because I want to use the free weights
Speaker 1: alone or whatever, that made it like that took it
Speaker 1: out of that realm of like, oh, sad woman, crying
Speaker 1: women cry all the time at the gym and made
Speaker 1: it way funnier. So shout out to Connor mcspladden. Connor mcspadden,
Speaker 1: it's Bladden and uh Jocelyn Hughes, who are the writers
Speaker 1: on that and that wrote that joke with me and
Speaker 1: what else? So yeah, and I was exciting. What a
Speaker 1: great night, Nikki and you are a knockout. Oh thank you?
Speaker 1: It was my clam team did an amazing job. Shout
Speaker 1: out to Karna, shout out to Christina, shout out to
Speaker 1: Danny and Emma. But um they Yeah, it was really
Speaker 1: fun getting ready for it. But the best part was
Speaker 1: in California. When you shoot these shows, it's over and
Speaker 1: then it's still light outside. It started at five o'clock,
Speaker 1: it ended at eight, and we or seven. It ended
Speaker 1: at seven. It was a two hour show. Chris and
Speaker 1: I were like, it's it's still light out and we
Speaker 1: had a whole night at Itzza time and we what
Speaker 1: did you say, pizza time? What was in the pizza?
Speaker 1: What's happen? I went to cross Roads, which is a
Speaker 1: vegan place. We tried to go to Lucifer's, but we
Speaker 1: walked in there was like heavy metal music playing and
Speaker 1: the sign said no bathrooms. And I was like, we're leaving,
Speaker 1: So I called another uber and we went to Crossroads,
Speaker 1: which is a vegan place. We saw um Billy Corgan.
Speaker 1: He's a fantas of vegan. It was bumping up in
Speaker 1: that place. We sat at the bar, which I love
Speaker 1: sitting at the bar in a restaurant because Chris does
Speaker 1: not like to sit on the same side of the
Speaker 1: table as me when we're dining together. And I like city.
Speaker 1: I like being like cuddly and like, oh what are
Speaker 1: you eating, and like being a couple. But at the bar,
Speaker 1: you're forced to sit next to me and we ate, Um,
Speaker 1: a pep you know, a pepperoni pizza which is so delicious,
Speaker 1: and I got some. Yeah, it was just really delicious food.
Speaker 1: And then we went home and we watched Love Is
Speaker 1: Blind the new season, which is fantastic. Oh my god. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you watch last one? Yes? You should watch this
Speaker 1: new season. You guys. We got to talk about it
Speaker 1: because some best season will upstate. On The Bachelor, it's over.
Speaker 1: If you want to know what happened, Okay, do you
Speaker 1: I mean sure? He picked the girl. He picked the
Speaker 1: girl I said he was going to pick. He picked Yeah, Katie,
Speaker 1: classic of course, speaking of um Bachelor. Sitting next to
Speaker 1: me at the iHeart Awards last night was this girl
Speaker 1: and she was like, I'm a huge fan. I know
Speaker 1: Bill Dixon, I know Elon, which are two Bachelor guys,
Speaker 1: but they're my um guys from um hold on one second, Um,
Speaker 1: they're guys from Fboey Island. They also created that. So
Speaker 1: I saw last night Kalin from the Bachelor Colton season,
Speaker 1: who is now engaged to Dean and they met on
Speaker 1: Bachelor Patodise. Do you know who that is? Oh? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: she'd been together a long time. They live in a van.
Speaker 1: She is a durable they're not living in Vegas, but
Speaker 1: she is so sweet and um she looked like Reese
Speaker 1: Witherspoon and they're now engaged and um, she was really nice.
Speaker 1: And I just want to say. There is a clip
Speaker 1: of me though, applauding Taylor Swift at the awards when
Speaker 1: she got her award, and Chris was laughing so hard
Speaker 1: because I could not. I was trying to behave myself
Speaker 1: in every other way. I can't squash my inner Swift. Ye,
Speaker 1: I was because Phoebe Bridgers was also there, who was
Speaker 1: like one of my favorite musicians ever and she's presenting
Speaker 1: to Taylor and I couldn't help but go like what
Speaker 1: love screaming like a person. I know they did. And
Speaker 1: I is writing to me saying, thank you for representing
Speaker 1: the level of enthusiasm that our girl, our blondie deserved,
Speaker 1: because you brought it. You weren't too cool, you were
Speaker 1: like jumping up and down, So thank you for that acknowledgment.
Speaker 1: And of course I brought that. And I will not
Speaker 1: disturb our girl. I will keep her safe. I just
Speaker 1: kept Chris out of video of me just going like
Speaker 1: you strom her. I would just see people like lurking
Speaker 1: towards her and a good wherever she needs to be protected.
Speaker 1: I want to be like on her security team. And
Speaker 1: I will not talk to you, Taylor. I just want
Speaker 1: to protect you. Um. Anyways, a great night, and that's
Speaker 1: and Brian, thank you for coming by. Um, we'll see
Speaker 1: you tomorrow on the podcast too. You'll come by. Oh
Speaker 1: yeah that's tomorrow. Yeah, what time we'll see Okay, hopefully
Speaker 1: I don't sound craggily with my fucking voice. Oh. One
Speaker 1: last thing I got asked to go. I just got
Speaker 1: to ask my producer from my reality show now producing
Speaker 1: a reality show with Paris Hilton, and she's like, Hey,
Speaker 1: we're shopping today, do you want to be on the
Speaker 1: show and come buy Sacks and like hang out with Taylor?
Speaker 1: And I don't Paris you'll like it? Or yeah, sorry
Speaker 1: Paris or Taylor Paris equally as impressive. I don't feel
Speaker 1: like it is. That is this me being Ian right
Speaker 1: now and scared? Yes, what are you going to do? Instead? Rest?
Speaker 1: I'm cold? I have to switch hotels. I have to
Speaker 1: then I have to look by what you just said
Speaker 1: goes against everything you've been saying for the last hour.
Speaker 1: So I gotta go. I gotta do it. And how
Speaker 1: long is it going to be? Anyway? So lucky I
Speaker 1: am still looking all works out. So maybe if I
Speaker 1: don't go, I'm still lucky and it will all work
Speaker 1: out because I kind of just want a little break
Speaker 1: today and I don't feel like going to I don't
Speaker 1: know how to dress for shopping at Sacks. It's gonna
Speaker 1: be tough or with And I'm telling you, being on
Speaker 1: camera with Paris Hilton is not fun. You look, you
Speaker 1: just look real rough because next to her, you're like,
Speaker 1: she's like pristine and she's heading on makeup said if
Speaker 1: they said you can have her glam team, just come,
Speaker 1: we'll help you get ready, it'll be no. And then
Speaker 1: I don't want to get ready because that takes too long,
Speaker 1: so they can't get me either way, but I do.
Speaker 1: I think I might do it. We'll see. We'll find
Speaker 1: out tomorrow on the show if I do it. And
Speaker 1: I know you're like, I can't believe you're turning down
Speaker 1: and are so funny together on cooking with Paris. I
Speaker 1: think it's going to be great. Okay, maybe I should
Speaker 1: do feel the moment it's done. Whoa, that's goods of
Speaker 1: successful people. That's why I will feel think about hired
Speaker 1: and like I might have just given Taylor or Paris COVID.
Speaker 1: I don't have covid. I got tested, but I do
Speaker 1: have something crackland in my throat. All right, guys, we
Speaker 1: gotta go. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We'll
Speaker 1: see you tomorrow on the show. Don't be cooked? And
Speaker 1: did you just go film that scene with Paris? Come on,
Speaker 1: what do you? What do you? What are you been doing?
Speaker 1: Stead sleep? Yeah? Probably, Well that's a good thing to
Speaker 1: so either way, it's gonna work out for you. You're
Speaker 1: very lucky. H