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Speaker 1: Pushkin, I got a level with you, just between you

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Speaker 1: and me. This autism shit is hard. Fumbling through the

3
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Speaker 1: diagnosis and figuring out what it all means is setting

4
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Speaker 1: my teeth on edge. It is extremely uncomfortable mining my

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Speaker 1: past and then trying to fit all the pieces together,

6
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Speaker 1: not to mention all the researching and therapy and telling

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Speaker 1: my people EOI. I need a break from it all,

8
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Speaker 1: like a seventh inning stretch. There's still more work to do, Yes,

9
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Speaker 1: but your girl needs a breather, and I think I

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Speaker 1: know how to get the respite I'm so desperate for.

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Speaker 1: I need to go on a trip. I think a

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Speaker 1: little adventure will do me good. And I'm not the

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Speaker 1: only one who thinks that, yes, line right, you are

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Speaker 1: traveling is critical to your help. Inc Surely you remember

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Speaker 1: doctor Artismo. He's our esteemed colleague from a previous episode. Obviously,

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Speaker 1: doctor Artismo is not a real doctor. He's an actor,

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Speaker 1: but he does know all the things, so doctor. According

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Speaker 1: to science, why is travel good for us? The Lauren, Travel,

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Speaker 1: particularly abroad, has many benefits for fun, travel keeps you healthy.

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Speaker 1: People who take regular vacations are less likely to have

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Speaker 1: heart attacks than people who do not, and So that's

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Speaker 1: a good thing, because heart attacks are not very much fun.

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Speaker 1: I know, I've had seventeen plus. Travel enhance his mindfulness

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Speaker 1: and helps reduce stress and anxiety. Unless you lose your

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Speaker 1: bag or your plane crashes, then you are going to

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Speaker 1: be very stressed. Indeed, Doctor Artismo, all of that sounds amazing.

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Speaker 1: Any other benefits from taking a trip, Yes, there's one

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Speaker 1: more positive from traveling that comes even before you've left

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Speaker 1: terra Firma. Just planning a trip boosts your mood, enhances

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Speaker 1: your generous satisfaction this life. So even if your upstairs

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Speaker 1: neighbor is trying on her new foot and clogs while

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Speaker 1: you're deling at a two pm on a vac day,

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Speaker 1: you'll barely notice it because your mood will be so good.

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Speaker 1: Claim not evaluated or backed by science in any way.

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Speaker 1: So basically, doctor Antismo, traveling is a really important part

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Speaker 1: of our general wellness according to science. That's what I'm

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Speaker 1: getting here. Yes, Lord, you are picking up what I

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Speaker 1: am putting down. I'm also laying a ton pretty sick. Well.

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Speaker 1: I don't know about you, but I'm ready to get

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Speaker 1: out of here. All this autism reckoning I'm doing is hard.

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Speaker 1: I want to see new things. I want to meet

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Speaker 1: new people. I want to leave on a jet plane

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Speaker 1: right this minute. But I can't just journey to Cape

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Speaker 1: Town or Tokyo or Daytona Beach. I'll be in my

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Speaker 1: own dumb brain. I need to go as far away

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Speaker 1: from reality as I can possibly go. I need to

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Speaker 1: go to a little place called autism Berg, Downdale, Borrow, or,

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Speaker 1: as it's more affectionately known, Autism pleasant phil You're listening

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Speaker 1: to the Loudest Girl in the World. Who is not

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Speaker 1: the kid sitting next to you on the airplane. It's me,

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Speaker 1: Lauren Ober. The Loudest Girl in the World is a

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Speaker 1: show about finding yourself broken in a pretty dark place

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Speaker 1: and emerging from that place a mostly glued back together person.

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Speaker 1: This week, we're taking a little departure, get it, departure

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Speaker 1: from all the big feelings and the bonus sized tears

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Speaker 1: and the odjitive moving through a world where you never

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Speaker 1: feel quite like everybody else else and autism Pleasantville is

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Speaker 1: the perfect destination, well, my perfect destination, because, as we

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Speaker 1: can all recite from heart at this point, if you

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Speaker 1: know one autistic person, you know one autistic person. In

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Speaker 1: my neurodivergent Briga dune. There are no loud sirens, no

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Speaker 1: awkward silences, and everyone gets free therapy. Come on. Our

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Speaker 1: flight leave soon, but not before this ad break. Come on,

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Speaker 1: you goofballs. Our flight leave soon. Welcome passenger the Air

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Speaker 1: Autismia flight F eighty four point zero NonStop to autism Burntown, Delborow.

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Speaker 1: I'm Captain Autismo. I'll be getting you there today. A

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Speaker 1: couple of quick things before we take off. This is

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Speaker 1: a no headphone bleed flight, meaning if you have headphones

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Speaker 1: on and there's music bleeding out of them, we're gonna

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Speaker 1: have to ask you to turn the volume down. This

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Speaker 1: is for the comfort of your seat mate, sent for

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Speaker 1: the general health of your ears. At Air Autismia we care.

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Speaker 1: Second bit of business. This is also a no reclining flight.

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Speaker 1: So that little recline button on your armrest, yeah that one,

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Speaker 1: don't push it. I know it's tempting, but I promise

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Speaker 1: you that extra two inches of recline will not make

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Speaker 1: the difference between comfortable and not comfortable. While you're pretending

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Speaker 1: like you're in your grandpa's lazy Boy, that person behind

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Speaker 1: you is trying to pull their teeth out of their knees.

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Speaker 1: And anyway, our seats on air Autisma are so comfortable.

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Speaker 1: Why the funk would you need to recline? Last little

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Speaker 1: announcement before we take off. If you are Lauren over,

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Speaker 1: you absolutely do not have to sit near a window.

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Speaker 1: We know you have massive panic attacks if you sit

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Speaker 1: in a window seat, So so Lauren, pick an exit row.

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Speaker 1: I'll seat on us. We got your girl. Okay, that's

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Speaker 1: it for me. Sit back, relax and enjoy our a

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Speaker 1: quick trip to autismburg Town delborow and if there's anything

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Speaker 1: we can do to make your flight more pleasant with us,

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Speaker 1: please don't hesitate to let us know. And in what

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Speaker 1: seemed like a flash, we arrived in Autismburg down Dale

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Speaker 1: Borough aka autism pleasant Ville and headed to customs. Hi,

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Speaker 1: I'm Asian Autismo. Where are you coming from today? This

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Speaker 1: guy sounds familiar. Um, I just flew in from neurotypical landing.

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Speaker 1: Of all, you might know that that flight that came

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Speaker 1: in just now, right, And what is the purpose of

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Speaker 1: your visit? Well appreciate you asking. I'm I'm coming for

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Speaker 1: some R and R rest and relaxation. Also, there's this

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Speaker 1: conference that I'm gone. I'm just playing with you. I

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Speaker 1: know why you're here. I can tell by the way

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Speaker 1: you're rocking back and forth, and I can see a

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Speaker 1: jankie blankie peeking out of your bag. Also, you're talking

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Speaker 1: really loudly, which is totally okay. Anyway, no need for

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Speaker 1: a visa. You're among friends, okay, thank you, You're welcome.

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Speaker 1: This is easily the smoothest travel experience I have ever had.

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Speaker 1: No anxiously waiting online, no meltdowns at the gate, and

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Speaker 1: no stressful encounters with fellow passengers taking up valuable overhead

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Speaker 1: bin space with near empty backpacks, plus so much iced

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Speaker 1: tea in every terminal. I feel like this whole experience

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Speaker 1: was designed for me. Before I got on with the

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Speaker 1: business of exploring this atypical Xanado, I had to make

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Speaker 1: a food stop autism. Pleasantville is known for its lunch game,

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Speaker 1: which is wild because I love lunch. All the food

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Speaker 1: is vegetarian and thing is gross also in autism, plus,

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Speaker 1: bill capers are illegal, and eating weeds like dandy lion

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Speaker 1: greens is not a thing. Oh, there's my sweet pumpkin muffin.

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Speaker 1: They're so glad to have you dine with us today. Dearie,

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Speaker 1: here's your bottomless iced tea. Oh, chef, you always know

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Speaker 1: how to make me feel so welcome here, So good

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Speaker 1: to see you. Oh you too, Dear, you look gorgeous.

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Speaker 1: Oh sweet, have I got a treat for you? We

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Speaker 1: have beautiful tomatoes and none of them have those gross

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Speaker 1: white centers that you hate. Also, none of our tomatoes

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Speaker 1: have weird stamputs. In fact, none of our produce has butts. Miraculous, no,

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Speaker 1: totally miraculous. Also, I want to make sure you know

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Speaker 1: this isn't a rugular free restaurant. Deep, we would never

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Speaker 1: try to sneak any of that nasty garbage leaf into

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Speaker 1: your food. You have Chef Autismo's word, dear, not a

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Speaker 1: single one of those ruddy leaves. I've hidden them all away.

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Speaker 1: Dear Chevatismo, You're always taking care of me. It's so nice. Um.

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Speaker 1: Before I order, though, I wanted to make sure about dessert.

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Speaker 1: No nuts of any kind, right, I mean, yes, I

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Speaker 1: like peanuts and pistachios, but you know, not in things,

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Speaker 1: my dear. Of course, not to worry. We were prepared

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Speaker 1: for this, even before we knew you were coming. There

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Speaker 1: is not to wound. Nut Dora, hazel nut Dora macadamia

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Speaker 1: nut to be found in any of our dishes, especially

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Speaker 1: not to the dessert. Just smooth, creamy, delicious pettetes and

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Speaker 1: ice creams and all those weird old British puddings. You

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Speaker 1: are nuts if you think otherwise. Dear totally bunkers off

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Speaker 1: your rocker, totally get it. Thank you. Oh key enough

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Speaker 1: for me. Back to the scullery, I go. Let's get

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Speaker 1: your fed first, though. Love My meal at Caffeatismus was

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Speaker 1: a maze. It had everything I love, fake meats, pickled things,

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Speaker 1: crunchy things, jams and sauces without chunks, every kind of

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Speaker 1: delicious bread, mayonnaise and of course nut free, fruit free treats,

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Speaker 1: with nothing that I hate. I didn't have to gag

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Speaker 1: anything down just to be polite or embarrassingly picked through

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Speaker 1: my food to find the things I can't even consider

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Speaker 1: putting in my mouth. It was like the whole restaurant

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Speaker 1: was built just for me and my needs. After lunch,

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Speaker 1: I headed to my hotel. All the rooms in the

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Speaker 1: hotel are built like bank faults with windows, meaning I

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Speaker 1: can't hear the other guests. Catterwalling, which generally isn't a

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Speaker 1: problem in the first place because in autism pleasant Fille,

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Speaker 1: no one ever catterwalls. In my hotel room, the pillows

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Speaker 1: are all firm and the water pressure is excellent. Also

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Speaker 1: bar soap only in the shower, none of this millennial

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Speaker 1: body wash nonsense. And one of the most important features

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Speaker 1: of the room. No human hairs anywhere that are not mine,

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Speaker 1: Not in the tub, not on the sink, not in

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Speaker 1: the bed or on the desk. No evidence that another

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Speaker 1: person has shed anywhere in the vicinity. What I don't

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Speaker 1: like other people's hair, sue me. The lobby of my

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Speaker 1: hotel is full of lovely people, but more importantly, it's

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Speaker 1: a wash in puppers, because, since this is my fantasy,

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Speaker 1: my hotel is dog friendly. So many cuties to pet.

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Speaker 1: Who's a cute guy, It's so cute. Oh who's fuzzy?

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Speaker 1: Who's a fudgy guy? Oh? Wait, but I couldn't tarry

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Speaker 1: in the lobby. I was here on business. I had

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Speaker 1: a conference to attend. Now I know I've mentioned before

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Speaker 1: that professional conferences are my social anxiety nightmare. Too many people,

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Speaker 1: too many variables, too many opportunities to say dumb shit.

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Speaker 1: I have actually broken out in hives before because of

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Speaker 1: conference dread. But here's a little secret. I actually kind

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Speaker 1: of love conferences, except that one conference where I got

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Speaker 1: dumped that sucked. At conferences, I get to see my

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Speaker 1: friends who live elsewhere, and I get to learn stuff,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes I get to give talks and make jokes.

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Speaker 1: But all the times when I'm not chatting to friends

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Speaker 1: or learning stuff, I generally feel like I'm going to barf.

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Speaker 1: This conference is a little different. It's for middle age,

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Speaker 1: perimenopausal gingers who love dogs, ride bikes, and have weird

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Speaker 1: interests like cobblery or online makeup tutorials or the Netflix

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Speaker 1: show Love Is Blind. I mean, just to name a

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Speaker 1: few randoms. So the likelihood that I'm going to pass

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Speaker 1: out from anxiety is low. However, the chance that I'm

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Speaker 1: going to be socially awkward still actually pretty high. Let's

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Speaker 1: do this, or maybe let's just see how long I

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Speaker 1: can make it before I have to bow out. Hey

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Speaker 1: I'm Louise. Hey Louise. Nice meeting. I'm Lauren. So, uh,

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Speaker 1: what's your favorite holiday? Uh? Actually, I don't really like

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Speaker 1: holidays very much. I feel like holidays are really stressful.

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Speaker 1: It's like mandatory fun. Oh boy, oh lord, it's starting. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so I just like, I don't know, I'd prefer to

196
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Speaker 1: just hang out with my friends. I mean, I guess

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Speaker 1: if I had to pick one, I don't know, like, well, Thanksgiving,

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Speaker 1: but then it's problematic. Why it's a problematic. It's just

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Speaker 1: weird to celebrate, you know, the annihilation of people also

200
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Speaker 1: by eating turkey. I don't know, it just feels weird

201
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Speaker 1: to me. Oh boy, it's just so stressful to talk

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Speaker 1: to people of these things. What about the Fourth of July?

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Speaker 1: You know, I mean, I guess fireworks are okay. I

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Speaker 1: like fireworks sometimes, but they're very loud, and I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I mean there's kind of kind of like you've seen one,

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Speaker 1: you've seen them all kind of thing with fire like

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Speaker 1: them because there's hot dogs. Oh right, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I'm vegetarian. Oh my god, I had a feeling. Why

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Speaker 1: are you a vegetarian? Oh boy? You know, I'm a

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Speaker 1: vegetarian because I just I feel like I don't really

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Speaker 1: want to eat living things or things that had a

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Speaker 1: face or feeling this would happen. This is called conference mouth,

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Speaker 1: and it's a very common ailment of mine. And to

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Speaker 1: just stick the vegetables and so it's time to hit

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Speaker 1: the eject button on this conversation. Luckily you can do

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Speaker 1: that in autism pleasant fill. That's because I have a

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Speaker 1: handy dandy cloak of invisibility. It came in my conference

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Speaker 1: swag bag, along with other do dads I can actually use,

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Speaker 1: like an umbrella and some pencils and a packet of

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Speaker 1: anti diarrheal medicine. My cloak of invisibility allows me to

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Speaker 1: wander the conference without being seen. But don't worry, I'm

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Speaker 1: not being creepy when I wear it. It's just that

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Speaker 1: I can enjoy the conviviality of the whole scene without

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Speaker 1: having to worry about sticking my foot in it or

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Speaker 1: running on at the mouth, or ending a conversation in

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Speaker 1: the most maximally awkward way. But sometimes at this conference,

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Speaker 1: I actually do want to engage with people, but I

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Speaker 1: feel like I need a buffer. Tellabunga man, look out. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm a TISMO Junior, the Autism Support Human. Nice to

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Speaker 1: meet you. Wow, nice to meet you too. That was

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Speaker 1: quite an entrance. Thanks, what's up? What's your name? I'm Lauren. Oh,

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Speaker 1: nice to meet you, Lauren, looking good? Oh? Thank you,

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Speaker 1: Auntismo Junior. So nice. Of you. You it looks so familiar. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I get that a lot. Here. The amazing thing about

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Speaker 1: autism pleasant Phil is that there's always someone to run

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Speaker 1: interference for me in social situations. Today it's Autismo Junior,

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Speaker 1: my conference buddy, my icebreaker, and human form. If I

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Speaker 1: accidentally say anything uncouth, he immediately slips into the chat

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Speaker 1: to save me. So I think the thing that I

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Speaker 1: really don't like about organized religion is that kind of

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Speaker 1: love a puppy? Am I right? I got one for

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Speaker 1: each of us. I mean they're just so squeet and

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Speaker 1: their little noses. I die. Yeah, No, I love a puppy.

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Speaker 1: You want one? Yes? Please? Okay. Autismo Junior knows when

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Speaker 1: I need to tap out of a conversation, and he

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Speaker 1: steers me away from people I don't want to talk to.

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Speaker 1: He pays attention to when I'm maxed out, and shuttles

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Speaker 1: me away from scenes that are too loud and too hectic.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, no, I totally totally got that. Yep, no cool.

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Speaker 1: Oh you don't say love about that? Don't you have

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Speaker 1: Jerry duty? You have to get too? Now? You want

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Speaker 1: to be late for that? Isn't he great? I mean

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Speaker 1: not sure why he sounds like the world's oldest boy scout,

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Speaker 1: but he is charming, at least to me. So let

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Speaker 1: me walk you through a few other great features of

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Speaker 1: autism Pleasantville. They're no sirens ever, the music at bars

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Speaker 1: and restaurants has kept at a reasonable volume, and everyone

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Speaker 1: walking past you on the sidewalk gives you a friendly hello. Also,

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Speaker 1: music from the band fish is outlawed, but that has

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Speaker 1: nothing to do with autism. In autism Pleasantville, when you

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Speaker 1: go to a concert, all the tall people watch from

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Speaker 1: the back and no one ever stands too close to you,

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Speaker 1: and no stranger grazing. Also, free air plugs for all.

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Speaker 1: And the cops and autism pleasant Fille they're all basically

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Speaker 1: like Officer Clements from Mister Rogers neighborhood. They're kind and helpful,

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Speaker 1: and they understand exactly what autism is and can recognize

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Speaker 1: when someone is having a meltdown. Except unlike Officer Clements,

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Speaker 1: they don't take footpaths with neighbors. So autism pleasant fill

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Speaker 1: is pretty amazing, right at least for me. It has

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Speaker 1: everything I want. Cute dogs and nice looking tomatoes and

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Speaker 1: strangers at a safe distance. There's almost no conflict, and

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Speaker 1: there's very little friction. But the thing about autism pleasant

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Speaker 1: phil is that it's not a place you can live forever,

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Speaker 1: for the same reason you can't live at a five

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Speaker 1: star resort. At some point you begin to miss the

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Speaker 1: noise and the grit and the struggle of real life,

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Speaker 1: and every vacation has to end. Plus I missed the

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Speaker 1: neuro tips, so it's back to the real world for me.

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Speaker 1: Captain Natismo, take me home. You got a kid, What

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Speaker 1: that's weird. I'm not a kid. Not not that either.

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Speaker 1: I love onto some pleasant Phille because it's a world

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Speaker 1: built just for me, by me. In that world, there

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Speaker 1: is so much empathy and compassion. Quarks aren't pathologized or problematized.

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Speaker 1: There's part of who you are, no different than your

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Speaker 1: hair color or your shoe size. In Pleasantville, everything seems

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Speaker 1: manageable and nothing feels overwhelming. All the interactions are well lubricated,

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Speaker 1: and no one ever feels like a world class bumbler.

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Speaker 1: Because it's the friction that causes the problems, the disconnect

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Speaker 1: between the world and me. When I feel triggered or

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Speaker 1: misunderstood or unable to be heard, I get angry. It's

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Speaker 1: not all that charming, but I can't help it. My

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Speaker 1: emotions are literally boiling over and my brain is in hyperdrive.

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Speaker 1: Over the years, I've learned to better contain the anger,

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Speaker 1: to put it in a box and put that box

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Speaker 1: high up on a shelf. I don't always succeed, and

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Speaker 1: really is that the healthiest option? Compartmentalizing? Sometimes I take

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Speaker 1: that anger out of myself in the form of shame

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Speaker 1: or bad self talk or very occasional self harm. I mean,

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Speaker 1: how many times has my inner voice said the words

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Speaker 1: I hate myself? Maybe like ten hundred thousand million. I

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Speaker 1: tell myself it's my fault to five conflict and that

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Speaker 1: I really should work to smooth my own path. I

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Speaker 1: remind myself that if I'm a paying passenger struggle buss,

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Speaker 1: it's my own doing. But is it or is it

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Speaker 1: merely that I'm an immigrant to the neurotypical world. I

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Speaker 1: don't't speak the language, I don't know the customs, I

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Speaker 1: don't get the nuance, and the natives they don't get

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Speaker 1: me either. The autistic comedian Hannah Gadsby wrote about this

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Speaker 1: recently in her book Ten Steps to Nanette, a memoir situation. Here,

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Speaker 1: she is reading the audiobook. It's as if I am

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Speaker 1: an alien who has been abandoned on earth and left

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Speaker 1: to muddle my way through life without a reason, a mission,

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Speaker 1: or any memory of home. If you are a conspiracy theorist,

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Speaker 1: this is where you might begin to wonder if I

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Speaker 1: might perhaps be a lizard. I'm not now piss off.

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Speaker 1: Being an alien is isolating. We're social animals, even the

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Speaker 1: most introverted among us. We need people around us who

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Speaker 1: get us, and when you are neurodivergent, those people can

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Speaker 1: be few and far between. In Genara Narrenberg's book Divergent Mind,

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Speaker 1: she writes that the anxiety that many neurodivergent people feel

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Speaker 1: is the result of how cognitive difference is treated in

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Speaker 1: our society, which is to say that it's barely recognized

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Speaker 1: or understood or respected. And obviously, she writes, that leads

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Speaker 1: to feelings of insecurity, alienation, loneliness, and depression. Not exactly

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Speaker 1: my preferred combo platter. But living in a make believe

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Speaker 1: land doesn't ameliorate all those bad feelings, at least not permanently.

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Speaker 1: Autism Pleasantville is a great escape, a place to recharge

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Speaker 1: when it all gets too much. But my mouthy dog

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Speaker 1: doesn't live there, and my favorite four year old doesn't

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Speaker 1: live there. And that one old guy at the end

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Speaker 1: of my block who always shouts hey man when I

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Speaker 1: walk past, he doesn't live there either, And I want

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Speaker 1: to live where they live. I want to be around

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Speaker 1: my people, and now more than ever, I want my

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Speaker 1: people to also include other autistic folks. I have lots

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Speaker 1: of lovely friends, friends I've known for a million years,

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Speaker 1: and friends who are new but are definitely sticking around.

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Speaker 1: I feel lucky to have them, all of them, because

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Speaker 1: when I was a kid, I didn't have any. I

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Speaker 1: didn't really make an actual friend until tenth grade. I

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Speaker 1: was just too anxious. I remember one time, when I

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Speaker 1: was in eighth grade, a girl named Julianne Ginger like me,

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Speaker 1: asked me over to her house after school. I said yes,

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Speaker 1: and then immediately panicked. I had no idea what you

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Speaker 1: did at someone else's house. Did you play video games,

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Speaker 1: watch TV, do each other's hair and nails? But I

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Speaker 1: swallowed my terror. I went to her house, and then

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Speaker 1: I called my mom thirty minutes later to pick me up.

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Speaker 1: I feigned some sort of mystery's stomach ailment and called

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Speaker 1: it a day. I was never invited back. The point

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Speaker 1: is when you have a hard time making friends, you

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Speaker 1: cherish the ones you have, and I love my friends.

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Speaker 1: I would do anything for them. I hope they know that.

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Speaker 1: But apart from my girlfriend's eighteen year old son, none

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Speaker 1: of my friends are autistic and that was going to

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Speaker 1: have to change. So in the next episode, Lauren makes

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Speaker 1: an autistic friend, though I'm probably not going to make

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Speaker 1: any friends if I talk about myself in the third person.

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Speaker 1: You've been listening to the Loudest Girl in the World.

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Speaker 1: It's hosted, written, end executive produced by me Lauren Ober.

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Speaker 1: Our senior producer is writer. Also our associate producer is

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Speaker 1: David Jah. Sophie Crane is our showrunner. Senior editor Jake

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Speaker 1: Gorski is our mix engineer. Music imposed by my autistic

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Speaker 1: Kiwie Pale the Inimitable Lady Hawk. Our artwork was created

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Speaker 1: by the autistic illustrator Loretta Ipsum. The show was fact

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Speaker 1: checked by Andrea Lopez Cruzado, and our autism consultant is

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Speaker 1: Sarah Cappett. Our executive producers are Mia Lobell and Lee

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Speaker 1: tom Mullad. All the characters in this episode were voiced

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Speaker 1: by the comedic Swiss Army knife Kevin Zach. Check him

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Speaker 1: out online at Kevin Hyphenzach dot com. That Zach z

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Speaker 1: a K. This episode was conceived by writer Alsop. Thanks

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Speaker 1: for listening, friend,