Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap an iHeartRadio Podcast.
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in scrub a dub dub.
Speaker 1: You know, someone mentioned to me the other day or not,
Speaker 1: actually they didn't even mention it to me, to mention
Speaker 1: it on like ab scrubbing in video about how annoyed
Speaker 1: they were by like my headphones were like twirled and
Speaker 1: swirled and like up like this like the whole episode.
Speaker 1: And so now I'm like a little bit like aware
Speaker 1: of my my headphone situation.
Speaker 3: When they're twirled and swirled, it.
Speaker 1: Just doesn't strip. Yeah, so I'm just gonna fix myself
Speaker 1: and then we're good.
Speaker 2: Thank you for all the people who.
Speaker 1: Pointed that out. Yeah, now it's like nice and gorgeous. Wow.
Speaker 3: We couldn't have started episode without that. No, I agree
Speaker 3: hitting that.
Speaker 4: God addressed the elephant in the room.
Speaker 1: Ye. I was gonna say something of the loss of podcast,
Speaker 1: but it was all, you can't get the twisties.
Speaker 3: No, no, you get the twisties.
Speaker 1: Come back stronger, huh like some mo biles. She got
Speaker 1: the twisties and she came back stronger. Oh yeah, fought
Speaker 1: through it, that's right.
Speaker 2: Did you know that our dear friend Taylor Banks did
Speaker 2: a tweet. Yes, and it's like gone viral, Yeah, talking
Speaker 2: about how Simon Biles is proof.
Speaker 1: That taking mental taking time for your mental health makes
Speaker 1: you stronger, not weaker.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, proud of her, me too. I saw I saw
Speaker 1: her any Hale post it.
Speaker 2: I've seen it everywhere, oh yeah, just like because it
Speaker 2: was it went on like one of those viral Instagram
Speaker 2: accounts you know that.
Speaker 3: People reshare a lot. Yeah, so I've just seen it
Speaker 3: all over the place.
Speaker 4: It was really exciting because Taylor posts a lot of
Speaker 4: really funny stuff a lot of the time, and like
Speaker 4: this was just like a sincere, beautiful thing, you know.
Speaker 1: But it's so true too, Like it's like so true.
Speaker 1: She literally is proof that taking time for amount of
Speaker 1: health makes you stronger, because everybody thinks it makes.
Speaker 3: You it's like weak to be like, right, it's not weak.
Speaker 1: It's not weak at all.
Speaker 2: No, it's not weak at all. So today we have
Speaker 2: speaking of not weak. Sometimes you just need advice and
Speaker 2: that's not weak to ask for advice.
Speaker 1: No, it's actually shows strength.
Speaker 3: And that's what today's podcast is for.
Speaker 2: Dear Bonia. So Mark is still in the chief state.
Speaker 2: He's in Wisconsin. And is it called the Cheese State
Speaker 2: or do I have I just made that up?
Speaker 1: No, I think it is. It's like a nickname. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's like Becca.
Speaker 4: The technical nickname is the Badger State. But I think
Speaker 4: they're so associated with cheese, you know you can call
Speaker 4: it the cheese State.
Speaker 3: The land of Cheese.
Speaker 2: Mark is there anyway, So he is not in the
Speaker 2: o R with us, so you know he will be back,
Speaker 2: but in the well. In the meantime, Easton's taking over
Speaker 2: dear Bonnia.
Speaker 4: That's right, everybody. It's a big responsibility, but I'm proud
Speaker 4: to do it. These are all from anonymous, so I'm
Speaker 4: not going to announce who they're from because I don't know.
Speaker 4: We'll do the first one here. I've been listening to
Speaker 4: your podcast for over four years now, and I love you.
Speaker 1: Both.
Speaker 4: Me and my best friend have almost the same life
Speaker 4: stories going on as you both. I am in a
Speaker 4: closeted relationship with a woman and my best friend is
Speaker 4: in a complicated relationship with a man with three kids.
Speaker 4: Sometimes ask myself if I manifested this for us from
Speaker 4: listening to your podcast. Question for Becca, what made you
Speaker 4: sure that going public, including telling your family with Haley
Speaker 4: was worth it. In question for Tanya, how did your
Speaker 4: relationship with Robbie go from complicated before your breakup to
Speaker 4: where you are now? What were your ultimatums to Robbie?
Speaker 4: Thanks so much.
Speaker 3: That's so funny.
Speaker 2: If you listen to this podcast, you too may end
Speaker 2: up with a woman or a man with the kids.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but if you think about it, like it is
Speaker 1: very interesting and I think it's funny that she said.
Speaker 1: I think we manifested it, but it's very much a reality.
Speaker 2: Like yeah, well, I mean, especially like I I really
Speaker 2: think that when you when you get to a certain age,
Speaker 2: people are in different life phases, where like at the
Speaker 2: age you are, a lot of the guys that you
Speaker 2: were dating were either formally married or had kids. So
Speaker 2: I think that's just just a product of and in
Speaker 2: my case, you just never know never I.
Speaker 1: Know, you know actually how I think I probably shouldn't
Speaker 1: say this because I don't know.
Speaker 3: Wow a tease.
Speaker 1: Well, somebody posted a picture kissing a girl and so
Speaker 1: everybody was like, oh, she is this like a hard launch.
Speaker 1: She's coming out Maya jama She's the host of Love
Speaker 1: Island UK.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm, I don't know, she's kissing a woman like
Speaker 2: on like here, like, oh, I feel like British people kiss,
Speaker 2: do they? Yeah, they like sometimes greet people kissing on
Speaker 2: the lips. So yeah, I don't know, hard to.
Speaker 1: Know, hard to know.
Speaker 3: Happy for her either way.
Speaker 1: Same.
Speaker 2: Okay, So the question that I was asked was what
Speaker 2: made you sure that going public, including telling your family
Speaker 2: with Haley, was worth it?
Speaker 3: Okay, so.
Speaker 2: My I telling my family. I actually didn't get to
Speaker 2: tell my family. Someone else told my family, like my parents.
Speaker 2: Oh right, yeah, so I didn't get to do that,
Speaker 2: And I don't know. It's kind of one of those
Speaker 2: things where at the moment I was like so angry
Speaker 2: because I felt like that should have been mine to
Speaker 2: share with them and do it all my time and
Speaker 2: how I wanted to do it.
Speaker 3: But on the other side, it was kind of like
Speaker 3: ripping off a band aid.
Speaker 2: So like in hindsight, I can look back and be like,
Speaker 2: what it happened, It's done.
Speaker 3: I don't, you know, think about it anymore. And so
Speaker 3: that was very hard.
Speaker 2: But again I didn't make that decision. So I don't
Speaker 2: really have advice on that because I don't know when
Speaker 2: how long I would have waited to do that. I
Speaker 2: think it was hard being someone who's on social media
Speaker 2: and posting with people speculating, and then if people that
Speaker 2: I knew saw it, how it wouldn't get back to
Speaker 2: my family and then stir the you know, bring up
Speaker 2: the conversation. Because what happened was I was at Taylor
Speaker 2: Swift's concert in Boston where Haley came out and performed
Speaker 2: her song Curious with her, and I was.
Speaker 3: My mom knew that I was.
Speaker 2: I had told her I'm oh, I'm going to see
Speaker 2: Haley and she was like, who is this girl? And
Speaker 2: so she texted me and I was in Haley's dressing
Speaker 2: room or green room, and Haley was with Taylor Swift,
Speaker 2: and so Haley's mom was there, and Haley and her
Speaker 2: mom were in Taylor Swift's dressing room with Taylor and
Speaker 2: her mom, and then I was in Haley's green room
Speaker 2: and I was like looking at all the videos I took.
Speaker 3: I was like, this is the coolest thing ever.
Speaker 2: And my mom texted me and she was like, is
Speaker 2: do you like Haylee more than a friend?
Speaker 3: I remember this, and then at the same.
Speaker 2: Time, Haley's security guard came to get me and he
Speaker 2: was like, hey, Haley, I mean Taylor wants to say hi,
Speaker 2: So like come, you know, come with me to her
Speaker 2: dressing room. So I'm having these two like massive things
Speaker 2: happen that are so different. Like I'm like, I have
Speaker 2: to call my mom, and also I'm gonna go, say,
Speaker 2: go meet Taylor Swift. Right, So I went in to
Speaker 2: her dressing room and she was so kind and warm
Speaker 2: and it was such a great experience. But like all
Speaker 2: I could think about was like, I need to go
Speaker 2: call my mom. So I went on to Haley's tour
Speaker 2: bus and called.
Speaker 1: Chit chatting with Taylor Swift In the back of your mind,
Speaker 1: you're just thinking about that textures.
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh. Yes, I'm so such a crazy situation.
Speaker 1: And like I feel, you know those people that can
Speaker 1: like truly genuinely block things out in the moment, like
Speaker 1: if they need to, like let's say you needed to perform,
Speaker 1: or let's say you were going on stage, or let's
Speaker 1: say you needed to like be in that moment like
Speaker 1: you're meeting Taylor Swift. Don't you wish you were that
Speaker 1: person that could just like block that out and like
Speaker 1: really be present.
Speaker 3: I think anything else I could have blocked out.
Speaker 2: I think it was specifically that was a that was
Speaker 2: just something I couldn't block out entirely. But so I
Speaker 2: called my mom and it was a really difficult conversation, honestly,
Speaker 2: and again it wasn't on my term, so that also
Speaker 2: made it harder. But to answer your question, I think
Speaker 2: when I went public that was four years later because
Speaker 2: I met Haley in April and then my family found
Speaker 2: out in July, and so that was, you know, the
Speaker 2: public thing came.
Speaker 3: Four years later.
Speaker 2: And what really sparked it was I was reading Seven
Speaker 2: Husbands of Evelyn Hugo And if you've read the book,
Speaker 2: then this will make sense to you. But I remember
Speaker 2: I got to the end of the book and I
Speaker 2: had this moment where I was like, I cannot live
Speaker 2: my life not sharing the most like special, meaningful thing
Speaker 2: that I've ever experienced. Like I'm going to live my
Speaker 2: life worried about what other people will think and not
Speaker 2: sharing something that's so incredibly valuable to me due to
Speaker 2: what other people might say or think or like due
Speaker 2: to their expectations of me. And that was like a
Speaker 2: huge moment where there was a shift for me and
Speaker 2: how I how I thought about our public, our relationship
Speaker 2: being public, and I remember thinking thinking about all the
Speaker 2: people I had in my life that loved us so
Speaker 2: much and loved our love and celebrated us and supported us,
Speaker 2: and I thought.
Speaker 3: I have such a huge.
Speaker 2: And also thinking about the podcast listeners, like think about
Speaker 2: the scrubbers, knowing that a ton of them knew about
Speaker 2: me and Hay, we're so respectful. We're respectful, and also
Speaker 2: I knew that they loved me and we're gonna just
Speaker 2: wanted me to be happy, and so like I had
Speaker 2: this moment where I was like kind of taking like
Speaker 2: literally taking an assessment in my mind of like all
Speaker 2: this support system that I had that I knew that
Speaker 2: I had, and thinking, am I happy with this? Like
Speaker 2: if this is all, if everyone else doesn't support me
Speaker 2: and walks away and is negative about this, does this
Speaker 2: feel like enough? And I finally was like, yes, it
Speaker 2: feels like I have enough, and like I will get
Speaker 2: an new a new group of people who love me
Speaker 2: and support me for the ones who leave, And I
Speaker 2: think that was what it was.
Speaker 3: I just felt ready to share.
Speaker 2: Like in my mind, I thought, why should I not
Speaker 2: get to share this? Why do other people get to
Speaker 2: share their love and get to feel celebrated, and I
Speaker 2: feel like I can't do it, you know, So that
Speaker 2: was a shit for me. It just felt worth it,
Speaker 2: and Haley the whole time fell worth it, like I
Speaker 2: never once I remember I've said this so many times,
Speaker 2: but I remember when I met her thinking the direction
Speaker 2: I could go, Like if I ignored this and didn't
Speaker 2: go through with falling in love with this person and
Speaker 2: seeing where it could go, I would literally think about
Speaker 2: her forever, like, and I thought, how how unfair to
Speaker 2: somebody else if I marry a man?
Speaker 3: And I'm always like, what could have happened?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: The crazy thing is that so many people do that,
Speaker 1: I know, so then they're because they can't they just
Speaker 1: like can't accept themselves. So they're like, it's just easier
Speaker 1: for me to go this other path.
Speaker 2: I know, And I think that's why. Obviously, you know,
Speaker 2: people are always like, it's so important that what you're
Speaker 2: doing talking about your relationship, but people like Hailey, like
Speaker 2: being someone who was kind of one of the first
Speaker 2: to do it in her industry and talk so openly
Speaker 2: about loving herself and who she loved, is so incredibly valuable,
Speaker 2: And I just I am happy that I get to
Speaker 2: be a part of that for people.
Speaker 3: So sorry that was a long answer, but it is
Speaker 3: a great answer.
Speaker 1: It's a great answer, And I think just it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, I think sometimes you I don't know if
Speaker 1: you feel maybe like oh it doesn't matter, but like
Speaker 1: it matters so much because I think that a lot
Speaker 1: of people have those same thoughts, but they're too scared
Speaker 1: to yeah, to live their life that way, I know,
Speaker 1: and it should.
Speaker 3: It sucks that it is scary, you know. It sucks
Speaker 3: that it's scary.
Speaker 1: Love. We think like we're in twenty twenty four. I
Speaker 1: also think we're in a bubble being in La Yeah,
Speaker 1: And so for us it's like, of course, you know
Speaker 1: how like you told me you made out with Hailey
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, like I was more excited
Speaker 1: than like shocked. Yeah, right right. And I think that
Speaker 1: we're in a bubble, and the more we talk about it,
Speaker 1: the more that we share, the better. I think the
Speaker 1: bubble is just going to get bigger, you know, and
Speaker 1: then it's going.
Speaker 3: To burst, wow, burst with comfetti.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So that's how I knew it was worth it.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 4: I get so emotional when I hear this I know.
Speaker 3: I can barely look at you when I talk about it.
Speaker 1: I don't want to cry.
Speaker 4: It's just so I don't know, okay, because like like you
Speaker 4: just said, like I I I could just be who
Speaker 4: I am because you know, I'm a cisgendered white male.
Speaker 4: Everything like the world's made for me and I it
Speaker 4: breaks my heart and it makes me so devastated when I
Speaker 4: think about people that can't live like that. Yeah, and
Speaker 4: just like having to make that decision and do that,
Speaker 4: it's it's incredible. I applaud you, I'm and I'm I'm
Speaker 4: just excited where we're headed as a society. I want
Speaker 4: that bubble to burst.
Speaker 1: I do too. I get bigger, it just gonna get bigger.
Speaker 1: The minute you talked about it, the bubble got bigger,
Speaker 1: and the minute another person talks about it, the bubble
Speaker 1: gets bigger, and then it just gets bigger and bigger.
Speaker 3: So there you go, Anonymous.
Speaker 1: I think that helped, Yeah, I'm sure.
Speaker 2: I hope it helps somebody. And how did you know
Speaker 2: about Robbie?
Speaker 1: Oh uh? I think dating somebody with children is just
Speaker 1: complicated in and of itself, and I think that for us.
Speaker 1: I think that Robbie had preconceived notions of certain things,
Speaker 1: like he put parameters around relationships that he was going
Speaker 1: to have in his life that just didn't work in reality.
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of people do that. They
Speaker 1: want to protect their kids. They and people judge everyone
Speaker 1: for everything, like oh, you introduced your kids to them
Speaker 1: so flippantly, and like that's so irresponsible. But it's like,
Speaker 1: if that's what's working for this person, then like that's
Speaker 1: working for you know. Like some people want their kids
Speaker 1: to meet somebody right away to see if they mesh.
Speaker 1: And I think Robbie's thing was like I don't want
Speaker 1: my kids to meet anyone unless until I'm engaged, and
Speaker 1: that was kind of like his thing, and I'm like
Speaker 1: it got to a point where I was just like
Speaker 1: it's just not realistic, you know, like you have to
Speaker 1: see if there's a relationship there and how they how
Speaker 1: me and the kids interact, and it comes from a
Speaker 1: place of a loving place and wanting to protect ultimately,
Speaker 1: and so it was like I never really fought it
Speaker 1: that hard, but I think it got to a point
Speaker 1: where it had been like several several I was ready.
Speaker 1: I knew he was the one, So I was like,
Speaker 1: at what point, like, you actually can't propose to me
Speaker 1: until I meet your children.
Speaker 4: Yes, I didn't realize that was one of his rules.
Speaker 1: I feel like he definitely, I definitely told you that
Speaker 1: I had to get engaged.
Speaker 2: I thought he meant just knowing that you were going
Speaker 2: to be the one. He that until he knew someone
Speaker 2: was the one. I didn't know it was like till
Speaker 2: he got engaged.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it was like to be like, kids, I want
Speaker 4: you to meet someone you're a new mom the parents.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean maybe it could have been what Becca said.
Speaker 5: I think it was.
Speaker 2: I think you were like, he doesn't want to introduce
Speaker 2: him until he unless he knows it's the one.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, that seems more logical.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think he and that doesn't feel protective
Speaker 2: proposing to someone after putting a ring on it.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So I think that there was a lot of that.
Speaker 1: And I also think everybody has different like levels of comfortability.
Speaker 1: Like I get messages all the time people asking me like,
Speaker 1: when's the appropriate time to meet somebody's kids, And I
Speaker 1: always say, like, it's it's such a personal decision, like
Speaker 1: somebody could you could meet somebody's kids after a week
Speaker 1: and some people go the route of saying this is
Speaker 1: you know, mommy's friend whatever, like daddy's friend. We never
Speaker 1: did that route. It was always like this is Tanya,
Speaker 1: this is my girlfriend. Like we never played that friend game,
Speaker 1: but some people do and like that's the way like
Speaker 1: easing their you know. It's like, I just think it's
Speaker 1: such a personal choice. So I think for your friend
Speaker 1: that's dating the the man with three kids, you just
Speaker 1: have to kind of like listen to where they are,
Speaker 1: respect that decision because it is their kids, but also
Speaker 1: come to a middle ground and like a compromise, because
Speaker 1: I think that's been like the biggest thing with Robbie
Speaker 1: and I is like, if he has one hard stance
Speaker 1: and I have another hardstance, how do we like meet
Speaker 1: in the middle. And I think that's also really important.
Speaker 1: So I feel like we did. Obviously we met in
Speaker 1: the middle because we did not get engaged before I
Speaker 1: met the kids. But it was a really long time.
Speaker 1: I didn't meet them until like nine months in and
Speaker 1: then you broke up, and then it broke up, yeah,
Speaker 1: but then you got back together and then we got
Speaker 1: back together.
Speaker 2: But I think it was a I mean I think
Speaker 2: there was a lot of conversations and heard conversations, Yeah,
Speaker 2: because you were like, I'm ready to meet the kids.
Speaker 3: Like let me.
Speaker 1: Three months.
Speaker 2: I was like, and it's like that this is this
Speaker 2: is where I stand on this. So there was like
Speaker 2: a go hud, go ahead, a lot of cosas.
Speaker 1: And I think it was an interesting time, and I
Speaker 1: think the pandemic did play a role because we just
Speaker 1: got so comfortable being in like our small little bubble.
Speaker 1: It's just like the two of us, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. And then when he was leave, he was
Speaker 1: with the kids, and then when he wasn't with the kids,
Speaker 1: he was with me, right, And so we were kind
Speaker 1: of in that phase for a long time that I
Speaker 1: don't think would naturally have been there if we weren't
Speaker 1: in like lockdown, that's true, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like that would have been more instances for me to
Speaker 1: meet them and like more like the gatherings, whereas there
Speaker 1: was you know, four or five months in that span
Speaker 1: where it was like nobody was seeing each other, nobody
Speaker 1: was doing anything. So it just kind of made it
Speaker 1: easier to stay in like that little like bubble, right,
Speaker 1: which probably worked out for how he was feeling. He
Speaker 1: was feeling, Yeah, and it didn't make me feel weird
Speaker 1: because I was like, I'm not seeing anybody else, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. Like it just kind of made
Speaker 1: it easier for both of us, I think. But once
Speaker 1: everybody started seeing each other again and like life started
Speaker 1: kind of slowly coming back to normal and ready, yeah,
Speaker 1: let's go.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree. I think it's such a personal thing.
Speaker 2: And I think it's like it's dependent on the kids,
Speaker 2: It's dependent on the situation.
Speaker 1: How long have they been separated, you know, Like it's
Speaker 1: just it's so complicated. And I don't think I ever
Speaker 1: gave him like ultimatums. I don't think I was just
Speaker 1: like ultimatum is such like a tricky word. I think
Speaker 1: I was very blunt about my expectations and my wants
Speaker 1: and desires. But I never was just like, okay, you
Speaker 1: introduced me the kids tomorrow, or I'm out.
Speaker 3: I think there are a few of those moments, really
Speaker 3: I heard. I don't know if you told him, but
Speaker 3: you told me I did. Yeah, like if certain things
Speaker 3: didn't happen by a certain time.
Speaker 1: You were out in the beginning or like the whole time. Oh,
Speaker 1: maybe I was subconscious. Maybe maybe it was just invented
Speaker 1: to me because I was like, I feel like ultimatums
Speaker 1: are very tricky because I think I did that.
Speaker 2: I think having a boundary for yourself is I don't
Speaker 2: think that's a bad I think ultimatums are. I think
Speaker 2: ultimatums are always presented negatively. But I think having a
Speaker 2: boundary for yourself or being like, hey, like this is
Speaker 2: the timeline that I'm you know, you know, you were
Speaker 2: ready to get engaged early on, and yeah, and you
Speaker 2: waited longer than you.
Speaker 3: Initially planned to.
Speaker 1: Or I would have liked or you would have liked.
Speaker 3: Right, But I'm saying like, I also think if you're
Speaker 3: kind of.
Speaker 2: Like, hey, you know, should get off the pot, like sorry,
Speaker 2: it's the.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I just came right out, Becca. We
Speaker 1: have a PG program here and I was inspired by
Speaker 1: your languages.
Speaker 2: But yeah, I think that you can have boundaries for
Speaker 2: yourself and it doesn't it doesn't have to be like
Speaker 2: if you don't do this, I'm out. But I think
Speaker 2: it can be like, hey, this is my expectation. Just
Speaker 2: to give your heads up, rh Bro, he came around,
Speaker 2: but Anonymous, I feel very hopeful for both you and
Speaker 2: your best friend and I hope that all the things
Speaker 2: work out that to bring you happiness.
Speaker 1: Me too. I think there's pros and con to every relationship.
Speaker 1: I really do. I think there's pros and cons to
Speaker 1: There's pros to dating a man with kids, there's consudating
Speaker 1: a man with kids. There's pros edating a woman, there's
Speaker 1: consudating a woman. There's pros to dating someone who's never
Speaker 1: been married, that's in their fifties or sixties, and then
Speaker 1: there's cons with that, you know what I mean, like
Speaker 1: somebody being so stuck in their single ways. So it's
Speaker 1: just like there's pros and cons to every relationship.
Speaker 3: It's pretty I mean, it's pretty amazing. Like relationships in
Speaker 3: general are pretty amazing to be able to make them
Speaker 3: work because we are all so complexant and we are
Speaker 3: raised different and we think different, we see the world differently,
Speaker 3: So finding someone to work through those differences with is
Speaker 3: what I was.
Speaker 1: Just having this conversation with a friend of mine the
Speaker 1: other day because she's so, what's the word strict or
Speaker 1: not strict, but with ending up with the Jewish man,
Speaker 1: and I'm just like wanting to wanting a Jew like
Speaker 1: that was like her thing Jewish man, and and I
Speaker 1: was like, that was my on my list for many years,
Speaker 1: Christian man, and like, look who I ended up with,
Speaker 1: you know, like and she's you know, she was just
Speaker 1: like I just don't think that I could see myself
Speaker 1: having a Christmas tree or like celebrating Christmas. And I
Speaker 1: was like, you could very much find the Catholic or
Speaker 1: a Christian or not Jewish any you know, like non
Speaker 1: Jewish person that doesn't want to have a Christmas tree
Speaker 1: or doesn't want to celebrate Christmas, you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 1: I just I don't think those two things have to
Speaker 1: be one and the same.
Speaker 2: But here's I think that you were willing, Like I
Speaker 2: think you were looking for someone who like child. I
Speaker 2: think you had other things on your list, and I
Speaker 2: think you were willing to be open to learning about
Speaker 2: a new religion and culture and like that was very
Speaker 2: much your personality of like welcoming that. And I think
Speaker 2: some people and I think it's okay to want someone
Speaker 2: who has like certain core things. Your core value was
Speaker 2: to be like respectful and open to anyone and everyone,
Speaker 2: and it's like the beauty of your spirit and who
Speaker 2: you are as a person, right, But I do think
Speaker 2: it's okay to like seek out Like if she's like,
Speaker 2: I just I want the ease of being with someone
Speaker 2: who's Jewish, totally.
Speaker 1: I forget that, or if it's that important the belief
Speaker 1: in the Yeah that's what that is so important. But
Speaker 1: I think it was the It was the sentiment of like,
Speaker 1: I can't see myself with a Christmas tree or I
Speaker 1: can't see myself celebrating Christmas. And I was like, that's
Speaker 1: not synonymous with what you're looking for. Do you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? Just because somebody is not isn't Jewish
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they celebrate Christmas or want to or
Speaker 1: want to have a Christmas tree, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: Yeah, she might end up buying ornaments for someone.
Speaker 1: I just think we put a lot of restrictions. I
Speaker 1: mean true that we don't necessarily when you think it through,
Speaker 1: like shed never thought of it that way. She was
Speaker 1: like huh, because I was like, is it that you like?
Speaker 1: What is it? You know? When she's like, well, I
Speaker 1: do I want to celebrate the holidays and all the
Speaker 1: Jewish holidays, and I go I celebrate all the Jewish
Speaker 1: holidays with Robbie. Mm hmm.
Speaker 3: You know it's finding someone who respects.
Speaker 1: Right, She's like, I'd never thought about it that way,
Speaker 1: and I was like, let's take that little restriction off
Speaker 1: your dating app.
Speaker 2: Then I know we're all programmed and like ingrained to
Speaker 2: like think we have a certain type of person we're
Speaker 2: supposed to be with.
Speaker 4: You're such a Charlotte. It's so interesting, just such a Charlotte.
Speaker 4: And it's like so interesting. How much like your journey
Speaker 4: parallels hers.
Speaker 1: It's crazy.
Speaker 4: Huh yeah, I mean you didn't have the whole McDougal situation.
Speaker 1: But right, no, actually never had a situation like that.
Speaker 2: You are so sure. I'm kind of ready for it,
Speaker 2: and just like that, I'm ready to hate watching me too.
Speaker 1: Is it out?
Speaker 4: I think it's coming, it's coming. Did you see the
Speaker 4: fake filming notices that they had. Someone was putting up
Speaker 4: like notices they're filming and just like that, but they
Speaker 4: had the plot. They had fake plot lines like I'm
Speaker 4: gonna try and pull one up, like like Carrie is
Speaker 4: having lunch and like all of her teeth keep falling
Speaker 4: out and look stuff like that. Anyway, I'm excited. I'm
Speaker 4: excited for that too. But we have so many more
Speaker 4: letters here.
Speaker 1: Shall we?
Speaker 3: Take a bird.
Speaker 1: I think we probably should in twenty four minutes.
Speaker 4: I think it's a legal thing. We have to take
Speaker 4: a break.
Speaker 3: We're back, We're back.
Speaker 2: Okay, Oh no, she's choking.
Speaker 3: Okay, she's back.
Speaker 2: That was a long we really that was an in depth,
Speaker 2: thorough answer.
Speaker 1: You know, it felt deep.
Speaker 3: Sometimes they hit like that. Sometimes they hit Sometimes there's
Speaker 3: something to say.
Speaker 1: And there was a lot to say.
Speaker 4: There's a lot to say, so so you know, if
Speaker 4: you pour your heart into a question and we brush
Speaker 4: right by, sorry, that's going. Let's do another one. Also
Speaker 4: from anonymous. My best friend has really low self esteem.
Speaker 4: But she is the kindest, smartest, funniest person you could
Speaker 4: ever meet. Two exclamation points on top of that, she's
Speaker 4: absolutely gorgeous, but she cannot see any of it. She
Speaker 4: can barely look at herself in the mirror at times,
Speaker 4: and it's heartbreaking. The other day she told me that
Speaker 4: when we were talking about life, she said, in a
Speaker 4: laughing off kind of way, nobody would want this, while
Speaker 4: pointing to herself. I think it stems from her brother,
Speaker 4: who would say very unkind things to her throughout her
Speaker 4: childhood and adult life. It feels like she's accepted that
Speaker 4: she's not going to find anyone ever, and she has
Speaker 4: given up. I tell her how great of a catch
Speaker 4: she is, but it falls on deaf ears. How can
Speaker 4: I help her see herself for who she is and
Speaker 4: what she is? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Love
Speaker 4: the podcast so.
Speaker 2: Sad.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I hate that.
Speaker 2: I think that you are doing what you can do
Speaker 2: as a best friend, which is remind her of how
Speaker 2: wonderful she is, spend time with her, lift her up.
Speaker 2: I think sometimes we I know that sometimes we try to.
Speaker 2: I do this sometimes where I try to fix things
Speaker 2: that someone else's problems or what they're going to My
Speaker 2: brain goes like, how can I fix it?
Speaker 3: What can I do? And unfortunately, the truth is that
Speaker 3: that's gonna be something she's gonna have to find in herself.
Speaker 3: Like as kind of like know corny as it sounds like,
Speaker 3: that's such a deep rooted issue that no one on
Speaker 3: the outside or external is going to be able to
Speaker 3: fix for her.
Speaker 1: I know some I have two ideas that I think
Speaker 1: could help. Again, I know it's gonna sound cheesy, but
Speaker 1: I used to do this stuff and it worked. But
Speaker 1: like writing the post it notes and like putting them
Speaker 1: up in the kitchen, the bathroom, whatever, like whatever I
Speaker 1: was lacking or feeling bad about, I would write the
Speaker 1: opposite on a post it and just kind of always
Speaker 1: look at it. And I think there's just something subconsciously
Speaker 1: when you're looking at something day in and day out
Speaker 1: that just like starts to seep in. I think it
Speaker 1: just I do believe in that power of that. So
Speaker 1: maybe you can, like I don't want to tell you,
Speaker 1: just have her do it, because then it's almost like
Speaker 1: maybe do it with her, like suggest that you guys
Speaker 1: do it together and put them up and like you
Speaker 1: do yours and then she does hers, and like you
Speaker 1: do it together, but it's like your own personal things.
Speaker 1: So that could be something that maybe is helpful helpful
Speaker 1: to her. And I don't know if your friend goes
Speaker 1: to therapy, but I do feel like therapy would really
Speaker 1: like help in that way because she would be able
Speaker 1: to kind of get through. And I don't I think
Speaker 1: suggesting therapy to somebody because I think you can say
Speaker 1: in a very nice way, like I think you have
Speaker 1: such a negative opinion about yourself, and like you don't
Speaker 1: see yourself the way that I see you, And I
Speaker 1: feel like maybe if you went and talked to somebody,
Speaker 1: you could really get to the root of that, because
Speaker 1: it's such a shame, Like it makes me sad that
Speaker 1: you don't see yourself the way that I see you
Speaker 1: and see everything that you have to offer, and you
Speaker 1: are such an amazing catch, and I think that if
Speaker 1: you really talk to somebody, you could kind of unpack
Speaker 1: these all the insecurities and these things that have been
Speaker 1: flooding you for your entire life.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that.
Speaker 2: I mean, I guess this isn't directly from the friend,
Speaker 2: but her saying that her brother would say really unkind
Speaker 2: things to her throughout her childhood. I think even in
Speaker 2: I've never I've never struggled specifically with these this type
Speaker 2: of thought process of like feeling like no one would
Speaker 2: love me. But I think that I in couple therapy,
Speaker 2: I realized I had a lot of like insecurities that
Speaker 2: caused me to react to certain things in my relationship.
Speaker 2: And I think just talking to someone and kind of
Speaker 2: like peeling back layers of where something stems from can
Speaker 2: be such a helpful thing. So I think I agree,
Speaker 2: so suggesting therapy in a way that's like, hey, I
Speaker 2: am never going to be able to fix what makes
Speaker 2: you feel insecure. I think you're so wonderful and beautiful
Speaker 2: and so lovable, and that's why i'm your friend, because
Speaker 2: I see those things in you, but I want you
Speaker 2: to be able to see them in yourself. And I
Speaker 2: think it would be so helpful and just like uplifting
Speaker 2: for you to talk to someone who's like, who doesn't
Speaker 2: even know you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I also think too, when you say it
Speaker 1: falls on deaf ears, I really don't think it does.
Speaker 1: Like I do think you should continue to encourage and
Speaker 1: support and say those nice things because like I have
Speaker 1: had thoughts like that nobody's gonna want this, and not
Speaker 1: like pointing at myself like my body and like that
Speaker 1: type of stuff, but like when I was going through
Speaker 1: date after date after date and like not working out
Speaker 1: and like different thing after different thing, like it does.
Speaker 1: It defeats you. It makes you feel like nobody's ever
Speaker 1: gonna want this, you know, like it's obviously has to
Speaker 1: do with me. It's something with me. So I have
Speaker 1: had these thoughts, and I think that I've been able
Speaker 1: to push through them and like I would succumb to
Speaker 1: them at some points. I'm sure you've saw some of
Speaker 1: that in me, but I could pull myself out of
Speaker 1: it because I did have so many people around me
Speaker 1: in my life encouraging me and like showing me what
Speaker 1: I really was and what I had to offer. I mean,
Speaker 1: so I feel like, don't underestimate the power of you
Speaker 1: and your other friends still saying all those things to her.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, I definitely continue to be encouraging as a friend.
Speaker 2: I don't I think that she hears you. She just
Speaker 2: doesn't believe it for herself. Right, What were things that
Speaker 2: you did aside from the posts? What did you do
Speaker 2: that made you feel better or more confident?
Speaker 1: Eating ice cream and watching Gilmore Girl did not make.
Speaker 2: Sometimes, I think, But I don't think that made you
Speaker 2: feel I think I'm trying to think what she could
Speaker 2: do with her friend.
Speaker 3: That would be like encouraging.
Speaker 1: All physical activity, I think, like going on hikes. Like
Speaker 1: I leaned a lot on running for some reason, and
Speaker 1: I found a lot of Like I don't know, it
Speaker 1: wasn't I don't like running, but I like what it
Speaker 1: did for me mentally. It would like I felt like
Speaker 1: I had free, like head clarity when I would run.
Speaker 1: I felt good about myself after I ran so I
Speaker 1: just think like all of yeah, all of those things.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, sometimes we get so in our head.
Speaker 2: It's like so when you run, all you can all
Speaker 2: I could think about when I work out is how
Speaker 2: miserable and uncomfortable I am. So any other thought that
Speaker 2: I went into the workout with is erased for a
Speaker 2: moment in time, and then.
Speaker 1: Like delusional things too, like you know, like I loved
Speaker 1: clearing out space for my potential new partner and like
Speaker 1: setting a table for him at the dinner table, and
Speaker 1: like you know, just like I know sounds crazy, but
Speaker 1: like delusional stuff like that, Like I enjoyed that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I also, you know, writing that kind of a
Speaker 2: complicated relationship with like religion and stuff, but like my
Speaker 2: faith has always been something that I feel like give
Speaker 2: me a lot of confidence. So I don't know like
Speaker 2: where she is in that, but maybe finding worth in
Speaker 2: stuff that's not so I don't want to say vapid,
Speaker 2: but like something that's you know, based on.
Speaker 1: I don't like, no, I get what you're saying. There's
Speaker 1: a lot out there that doesn't have to be religion
Speaker 1: based too, Like there's a lot of ted talks. There's
Speaker 1: a lot like I remember I would lean on there.
Speaker 1: I can't remember her name now, I follow her on Instagram,
Speaker 1: but she was some somebody that was in church who
Speaker 1: was kind of on the same journey as me, and
Speaker 1: she would find like her she like a butterfly thing,
Speaker 1: but it wasn't butterflies, And like, I found so much
Speaker 1: hope in her story. So maybe if she found someone
Speaker 1: that like was kind of going through or have had
Speaker 1: the same type of feelings that she's having and then
Speaker 1: really like leaned in, like followed that person on Instagram
Speaker 1: or like read her books or whatever it is, I
Speaker 1: kind of just like lean into that hope and that
Speaker 1: that's like also a really good thing.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: But I think you're a really good friend, and I
Speaker 2: think you care about her, and I hope that she
Speaker 2: finds peace and like love for herself that you.
Speaker 3: See in her.
Speaker 2: It's hard to watch people you love go through something
Speaker 2: like that that you can't physically, folks.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Yeah, she's lucky to have a friend like you, Anonymous.
Speaker 5: Agree, all right?
Speaker 4: One more for also from Anonymous. As previously stated, this
Speaker 4: past week, a large group of coworkers and I traveled
Speaker 4: to an on site work meeting myself in about fifteen
Speaker 4: others proceeded to go out for a few cocktails, which
Speaker 4: is standard for these types of meetings. However, I could
Speaker 4: tell others we're drinking more heavily than normal, and so
Speaker 4: I dismissed myself. Early around three thirty am, I was
Speaker 4: woken from a commotion in the hallway and saw my boss,
Speaker 4: who was a senior leader at my company, and a
Speaker 4: female coworker walking into her bedroom together. She is single
Speaker 4: with no kids, but he's married with kids, which makes
Speaker 4: matters so much worse. I don't believe they saw me,
Speaker 4: but now I feel like I have this huge secret
Speaker 4: that is making me feel so uncomfortable. It's obviously not
Speaker 4: my place to get involved from a personal perspective, but
Speaker 4: how do I proceed professionally? Do I act like I
Speaker 4: didn't see anything. Do we move on as if everything
Speaker 4: is normal. I had also went to wanting to ensure
Speaker 4: my coworker didn't feel pressured or forced. With him being
Speaker 4: a senior leader, I work with both often. I don't
Speaker 4: know how to look past this. I also have a
Speaker 4: one on one meeting with him next week, and I'm
Speaker 4: already uncomfortable thinking about it. I've been a Day one
Speaker 4: listener and appreciate all the laps over the years. Thank
Speaker 4: you guys so much. You love to hear you feedback.
Speaker 2: Ooh, yis yikes, this is a TV show a movie.
Speaker 1: So the picture realized that I would give and then
Speaker 1: when you like, put it in your own context of
Speaker 1: your own life. I don't know if I could execute.
Speaker 3: Okay, let's put it in the context of your own life.
Speaker 2: You see Syany with Oryan.
Speaker 3: Into a room. What do you do?
Speaker 1: That's a perfect analog, I know, but I just can't
Speaker 1: picture it. But let me try.
Speaker 3: Okay, go deep, go deep.
Speaker 1: I would have to say something to her.
Speaker 3: What would you say?
Speaker 1: It was three thirty in the morning and I saw
Speaker 1: you walk into the bedroom with him. I'm uncomfortable with
Speaker 1: this information. I just needed to let you know that
Speaker 1: I know. And that's it, no, honestly, because then it
Speaker 1: puts it on them because then they know that you
Speaker 1: don't know and they saw, so then that's on them.
Speaker 2: Like can you please don't say anything to anyway?
Speaker 3: Please?
Speaker 1: I can give you that, but I can't assure you
Speaker 1: that other people didn't see what I saw, because there
Speaker 1: was I saw other people around. Just say that I
Speaker 1: saw other people around in the hallway.
Speaker 3: But what if she she didn't say that, Well.
Speaker 1: Now she can say that, so I can say, I
Speaker 1: can give you my word that I'm not going to
Speaker 1: say anything, but I can't assure you that I'm the
Speaker 1: only one that saw something. So I just wanted to
Speaker 1: just let you know. And that's it, because then it
Speaker 1: puts it on them, because I what I don't think
Speaker 1: you should do is like go tell the other person's
Speaker 1: husband or wife. Yeah, just getting involved in that way
Speaker 1: feels not the move. But if you put it on
Speaker 1: them that you saw, you're not threatening to go tell anyone.
Speaker 1: You're not threatening to go tell anyone at work, but
Speaker 1: you're putting them on alert. You're giving them that eye emojis.
Speaker 4: You're also not insinuing anything because I don't want to
Speaker 4: like defend what's happening here.
Speaker 1: But right, she could have followed him in the room
Speaker 1: and gotten a hair tie left.
Speaker 4: There have been times where I've traveled with coworkers they
Speaker 4: could have and lent someone my phone charger. Yeah, and
Speaker 4: had to go and get the charger and then immediately
Speaker 4: le Right, you know that this could be It's probably not,
Speaker 4: but it could be innocent.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: It could be, and I hope for everyone's saying that
Speaker 2: that's the case, that she was just needing a hairtyie
Speaker 2: from her male boss who always has hair ties on hand.
Speaker 1: I use hair type as as the only I could
Speaker 1: think of, but Easan was better with the charger. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I love the idea of just saying, here's my only
Speaker 3: here's my question.
Speaker 2: Though, what if you tell siciny and then she goes
Speaker 2: Ryan Tania knows about us, and he's like, we got
Speaker 2: to get rid of her.
Speaker 1: Oh my god.
Speaker 4: I was just fired from my job.
Speaker 3: Because I listen to your advice.
Speaker 1: Shot, are you guys hiring? I think you stay silent,
Speaker 1: Just stay silent and let karma do its thing.
Speaker 3: I think it's work.
Speaker 2: I think it's uncomfortable, but like it's like just you
Speaker 2: don't know what happened. You don't want to get involved,
Speaker 2: Like the last thing you want to do is get involved,
Speaker 2: and unfortunately you were the one that saw it.
Speaker 3: But I just think that you set yourself up for
Speaker 3: putting your position want to get.
Speaker 1: In professionally, gosh, I mean, let this be a lesson
Speaker 1: that when everybody's heavily drinking, you just keep drinking as well,
Speaker 1: so you just pass out for the whole night and
Speaker 1: you don't see anything after the hours of midnight. You
Speaker 1: just pass out and you pass out hard.
Speaker 2: You know what.
Speaker 1: Let me a lesson to it, shall I think the
Speaker 1: lesson if.
Speaker 3: I could, if I were her and I could go back.
Speaker 3: I think if I could do this, I'd go. If
Speaker 3: I saw them, I'd be like.
Speaker 4: Hey, guys, what three three in the morning.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'd make it be known. Yeah, hey, or you'll
Speaker 3: just getting back look like it's fine. Yeah, let him
Speaker 3: know in that moment, and then that's it. That's it.
Speaker 3: You didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was just checking for my room service.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's a that's a really unfortunate situation. I
Speaker 2: think the best thing that you can do, it's just
Speaker 2: not just so that was.
Speaker 1: My initial That's always my initial advice is just stay out.
Speaker 1: I always say stay out of it. But then when
Speaker 1: you put in the context of my own life, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I couldn't see her every day and just sit here like,
Speaker 1: you know, I think I could.
Speaker 2: I mean, the only the only other advice I'd say
Speaker 2: other than staying out of it is to have a
Speaker 2: comation with your coworker and say like, hey, just to
Speaker 2: be totally transparent. I wait, I saw y'all come home,
Speaker 2: and I saw you go into his room.
Speaker 3: I don't.
Speaker 2: I just, oh my gosh, it's just I don't know
Speaker 2: what happened. I know, That's what I'm saying. I think
Speaker 2: your best bet is to say.
Speaker 1: Out of it getting a job. This just seems like
Speaker 1: a bad environment. Honestly, I don't think.
Speaker 3: So I think just let this be work and don't
Speaker 3: have a like don't let like.
Speaker 1: I know, but sometimes like you work, you go to
Speaker 1: your work to work. Your work is your life, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I get it. It's not your life, but it's
Speaker 1: like you're you go to work every day like it
Speaker 1: does bleed into you know. And if you're uncomfortable and
Speaker 1: these people are like cheating and like not great people,
Speaker 1: like don't I don't know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm saying, don't you have a personal relationships
Speaker 2: outside of work with your with sisany like you have
Speaker 2: you have friendships with them outside of work. I don't
Speaker 2: know if these are those types of friends. So I'm saying,
Speaker 2: if they're not, then let work be work, and personally like, don't,
Speaker 2: don't I don't have personal relationships with these people?
Speaker 3: If you don't already.
Speaker 1: Could that be a lesson to us all?
Speaker 3: Don't have personal relationship?
Speaker 1: Keep drinking if you remember, remember, keep drinking and don't
Speaker 1: see anything you shouldn't see.
Speaker 3: Yeah, great advice.
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 3: I think we should end on that one. Yeah, so good,
Speaker 3: good luck to everyone.
Speaker 2: We always love having dear Bonia questions, So keep them coming,
Speaker 2: keep them coming, and we'll keep the advice rolling.
Speaker 1: Roll and roll and roll and rolling, rolling like a river. No,
Speaker 1: what is that corn? Keep rolling?
Speaker 5: Roll and roll and rolling, roll and roll and roll
Speaker 5: and rolling.
Speaker 3: I remember that.
Speaker 1: Yeah that was a big Yeah, big biscuits.
Speaker 3: We learned something new about to corn. You're a big
Speaker 3: corn fan.
Speaker 1: Backwards k or backwards are backwards? Are correct?
Speaker 3: So yeah, you were just like John may Or, Shakira
Speaker 3: Corn and lumb biscuit.
Speaker 1: That's right. Wow about an identity crisis.
Speaker 3: You're finding yourself. Yeah, we love you so much.
Speaker 1: You love y'all.
Speaker 2: Have a great week and hope all of your problems
Speaker 2: disappear on the weekend.
Speaker 1: Yes, I love you so much, Love you.
Speaker 4: Bye.