Speaker 1: Hell I Suck At Dating with Denglert and Dared Haven
Speaker 1: Heart Radio podcast. Hey, welcome to an all new episode
Speaker 1: of Help I Suck at Dating. It is myself Dean
Speaker 1: and we're still joined by Anna who's graciously coming back
Speaker 1: on for a second podcast, and we have two very
Speaker 1: wonderful guests from the podcast Shrink Chicks. It is Emily
Speaker 1: and Jen. Emily and Jen, how the hell are you?
Speaker 1: You know? Where to? We're great, we have a really
Speaker 1: good visual, we got babies, we got dogs here. This
Speaker 1: is gonna be a wonderful episode. Um, but we're psyched
Speaker 1: to be here. We're two licensed marriage of emmy therapists
Speaker 1: and sex therapists and we love helping people get a
Speaker 1: little bit better at dating and relationships. Even if it's
Speaker 1: just a little bit, just an issue. You could help
Speaker 1: us suck a little bit last. We've been trying for
Speaker 1: years and trust me, it's still is. We're not going anywhere. Okay,
Speaker 1: we'll make one inch of progress today for Everything podcast.
Speaker 1: We're not looking for miracles, but a little little, a
Speaker 1: little becomes a lot. Okay, that's a promise. We're gonna
Speaker 1: hold you to that one inch. That's all we need. UM,
Speaker 1: it's great to have you guys here. It's nice you
Speaker 1: guys are your presence on the podcast, it's it's it's
Speaker 1: very obvious you guys are really good podcasting presences. I
Speaker 1: have to say it took us some time. Yeah, do
Speaker 1: that just made we have a face for radio. Like,
Speaker 1: isn't that a thing you said? You're like, you want
Speaker 1: to know what these girls these girls to say. But
Speaker 1: I will say this. We talk for a living, spend
Speaker 1: every day helping wonderful people improve their lives and relationships.
Speaker 1: That's what we specialize in. And one of the cool
Speaker 1: things about podcasting is a lot of people are free
Speaker 1: to have by therapy. So why not make this information
Speaker 1: totally accessible. Let's not gate keep this. Let's help everyone
Speaker 1: move a little bit farther along and normalize that, normalize
Speaker 1: it healthy, make it more relatable. Did you guys, are
Speaker 1: you guys friends that are both therapists or are you
Speaker 1: therapists that became friends that if that makes sense? We
Speaker 1: met in grad school. We met in grad school, so
Speaker 1: as we were becoming therapists, we were also becoming friends.
Speaker 1: So why did you want to become a therapist? Um,
Speaker 1: you know, I think there's a bunch of reasons where
Speaker 1: I personally was always the friend that everyone went to.
Speaker 1: It came really naturally for me. Um went to therapy
Speaker 1: at a very young age, had an amazing therapist, and
Speaker 1: then had some other therapy experiences that weren't so great. Um.
Speaker 1: So it's just something that I think was really natural
Speaker 1: for the both of us. I'm a spiteful human. I
Speaker 1: went to a bunche of therapist that I hated, and
Speaker 1: I said I could do this better, and that is
Speaker 1: basically how. But I think in general, we're always very
Speaker 1: interested in how relationships worked in you know, dating ourselves.
Speaker 1: I was someone who desperately wanted to be loved, desperately
Speaker 1: wanted to be in relationships, and was always desperately and
Speaker 1: needy about it. And so I think by trying to
Speaker 1: figure out our own ship, it was really helpful to
Speaker 1: look at other people's and go along the journey. Because
Speaker 1: we believe that you can only take your clients as
Speaker 1: far as you're willing to go yourself. Yeah that's fair. Um.
Speaker 1: I noticed you guys at the beginning, you said you're
Speaker 1: not You started the podcast because you didn't want to
Speaker 1: keep any information that you have, which I think is great. Um,
Speaker 1: my question for you is, have you noticed like a
Speaker 1: paradigm shift towards like the destigmatization of therapy because I
Speaker 1: feel like a lot more people are talking about it,
Speaker 1: a lot more people are open about going to it. Um,
Speaker 1: have you guys noticed that within the profession at all?
Speaker 1: A thousand percent? It's like the cool thing to do now,
Speaker 1: is they My therapist said, right, I mean there's all
Speaker 1: these things. I think that there was a really great
Speaker 1: meme going around that said like baby boomers would be
Speaker 1: like my therapist said, and like you know, millennials and
Speaker 1: gen z are like, let me can tell you about this.
Speaker 1: My therapist se so like it's just a difference in
Speaker 1: generational about like accepting help and knowing that we don't
Speaker 1: have to be experts and everything. And I think also
Speaker 1: for a long time, especially couples therapy, it was done
Speaker 1: as a punishment. If we don't figure this out, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna make us go see a couple's therapist. The thing is,
Speaker 1: a couple's therapy shouldn't be about a discipline or punishment.
Speaker 1: It should be about because like we want this to
Speaker 1: be really awesome. And also because we have this next
Speaker 1: generation of people. We also don't want to screw up
Speaker 1: a lot of us. Our parents should have been in therapy.
Speaker 1: They just and for many of us, we say this
Speaker 1: if if the generation above us had done the work,
Speaker 1: we wouldn't have had to do so much. So for
Speaker 1: many of especially that are becoming parents as well now,
Speaker 1: we want it to be different for the next generation.
Speaker 1: And I think that's really cool. Yeah, definitely, do you
Speaker 1: guys want to know? One of my biggest pet peeves
Speaker 1: is one of the one of the things that gives
Speaker 1: me the biggest if you will, is when, uh, I'm
Speaker 1: sure every one of us can attest this to Anna
Speaker 1: and Jared specifically, because you know, you put yourself out
Speaker 1: in the public eye and people feel like they have
Speaker 1: an obligation to tell you a bunch of things. My
Speaker 1: biggest pet peeve is when someone says, oh, you need therapy.
Speaker 1: And the reason it makes me so angry is because
Speaker 1: not that they're wrong, because I think everyone could benefit
Speaker 1: from therapy, but what they're basically saying is, Hey, there's
Speaker 1: something really wrong with you, and I think you benefit
Speaker 1: by going to see a therapist about it. Where it's like, okay,
Speaker 1: like are you saying that I don't know, just something
Speaker 1: about it really just irks me so much exactly. So
Speaker 1: it's also right, it absolutely stigmatizes therapy because in the end,
Speaker 1: we could all benefit from therapy, right, And I think
Speaker 1: that that's that's part of the issue, is that we
Speaker 1: say you have to be in such a horrible place
Speaker 1: to go to therapy, as opposed to like, no, we're
Speaker 1: all human beings, like there are all things that we
Speaker 1: struggle with and it can be beneficial for everyone. And
Speaker 1: so I think that that's that it almost adds to
Speaker 1: the stigmatization of therapy by saying that. And I think
Speaker 1: one of these we you know, we work with lots
Speaker 1: of people have put their lives out for the world
Speaker 1: to see in some ways, and people think because you
Speaker 1: consent to a certain part of means you can consent
Speaker 1: to the terrorizing you experience on social media, which I
Speaker 1: do not agree with. Just because somebody chooses to share
Speaker 1: parts of themselves with you does not mean that I
Speaker 1: owe you everything. And that goes back to a larger
Speaker 1: conversation about like paras social relationships and like what I
Speaker 1: owe to you because I choose to put myself out there,
Speaker 1: which is actually nothing and you're all only right, the
Speaker 1: world is only seeing a certain part of you. They're
Speaker 1: not seeing all aspects of you, and so I think
Speaker 1: it can be so polarizing for people right there only
Speaker 1: seeing this one specific part. That's like entertaining for people
Speaker 1: as opposed to like, here's my whole backstory, here's everything
Speaker 1: that has gone on that has led up to this point,
Speaker 1: which is where empathy really develops, is our ability to
Speaker 1: see the whole aspect, the entire context that we grew
Speaker 1: up in and what has led us to this point. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Absolutely So for you guys, what's uh, what do you
Speaker 1: find people coming to you most in terms of like
Speaker 1: what they're looking for for help with? Is it relationship stuff?
Speaker 1: Is it personal stuff? Is it like child driven stuff?
Speaker 1: Do you guys notice like a trend in terms of
Speaker 1: anything like that? Okay, I will say we've noticed a
Speaker 1: very big trend when we started, when we started being
Speaker 1: a couple of therapists ten years ago, people were always
Speaker 1: coming in as a last ditch effort. I'm about to
Speaker 1: get divorced, I'm about to walk out. This is people
Speaker 1: will call up. I mean, I can't even tell you
Speaker 1: how often we get phone calls and say we're calling
Speaker 1: up as the last ditch effort. Well, if there's not
Speaker 1: much I can do, when you've already called the lawyer,
Speaker 1: I gotta tell you that when you have already like already, yes,
Speaker 1: you're already out. So ten years ago it was last
Speaker 1: ditch effort for couples therapy. Now it's Hey, I've heard
Speaker 1: other people a couple of therapy change their life. I
Speaker 1: have heard that I want to be better. So I
Speaker 1: think now it's much more about growth and compassionate curiosity
Speaker 1: about your partner. I think on an individual level, a
Speaker 1: lot of it is I do not want to be
Speaker 1: like my parents. I don't want to make the same thing.
Speaker 1: I don't want to make the same decisions they did,
Speaker 1: And whether I am going down the same path where
Speaker 1: I realized that I'm overcorrecting and trying so hard to
Speaker 1: not be my parents, I'm going the other way. I
Speaker 1: think it's really about like the personal growth aspect. But honestly,
Speaker 1: in the past decade we've seen a massive change, and
Speaker 1: I think it often happens when people are at these
Speaker 1: like transitional points in their lives, right like if they're
Speaker 1: going for it to from graduating college into the workforce,
Speaker 1: if they're getting into a relationship, if they're playing on
Speaker 1: getting married, if they just had kids, if they're struggling
Speaker 1: to have kids. Right like that, there's all these really
Speaker 1: these pain points in transitions that can be really hard. Um.
Speaker 1: So is it one specific thing? I would say no,
Speaker 1: but it touches it ends up people might come in
Speaker 1: and say, oh, like I have this one specific thing
Speaker 1: I actually talk about in my relationship, it ends up
Speaker 1: going into deeper childhood stuff. Right, Even if they're coming
Speaker 1: in for one specific thing, it ends up getting deeper. Um,
Speaker 1: even if that's not what they came in for. Right,
Speaker 1: that makes sense. I Caitlin and I have been to
Speaker 1: a couple of therapy a couple of times, and it's
Speaker 1: always when we're like in the middle of an argument
Speaker 1: and we're like, this will help us, but reality, we
Speaker 1: should be going to a couple of therapy even when
Speaker 1: things are going well. So exactly, we talked about it
Speaker 1: in terms of maintenance. Um. And it's the same kind
Speaker 1: of thing that people will say, oh, they're going a
Speaker 1: couple of therapy, like things must be really bad as
Speaker 1: opposed to know, relationships are just hard, they are so complicated.
Speaker 1: You're both bringing in from your childhood into your relationship,
Speaker 1: and we trigger the biggest pain points with each other
Speaker 1: within our relationships. And so as opposed to it being oh,
Speaker 1: they go to a couple of therapy must be so bad,
Speaker 1: you know, like it's actually just important maintenance to do
Speaker 1: in your relationship. Also, I think it's really cool. It's
Speaker 1: like I care enough about this relationship to, you know,
Speaker 1: kind of do whatever I have to do to make
Speaker 1: it work. I think it's I think it's at what
Speaker 1: point in a relationship do you think it's good then
Speaker 1: to go? Because if you're sitting pretty, you're not really
Speaker 1: thinking about doing it. But is there like a certain
Speaker 1: mark like seven months, eight months, or like when you're
Speaker 1: talking about moving in, or what would you say would
Speaker 1: be a good time stamp okay. So statistically we know
Speaker 1: that people go into couples therapy seven years after it's
Speaker 1: first brought up. So the first time it's mentioned is
Speaker 1: when you go. Obviously, the therapeutic response, because we're a
Speaker 1: couple's therapist is like you should be going. It's expensive,
Speaker 1: that's not realistic, that's not gonna happen. But the first
Speaker 1: time somebody says we should do this is when you
Speaker 1: should do it, because so often it gets brought up.
Speaker 1: Once it gets brought up, twice it gets brought up.
Speaker 1: We call make the appointment that we never actually show up. Right,
Speaker 1: all of those things is what keeps these We talk
Speaker 1: about it in terms of like if you think about
Speaker 1: a crack on the sidewalk, right, if it's not repaired,
Speaker 1: it's gonna keep getting bigger and bigger, even if it's
Speaker 1: a smaller crack and it doesn't look like that big
Speaker 1: of a deal at the beginning, all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: people are falling slipping inside this crack. That's what's gonna happen.
Speaker 1: So the first time it's brought up is when you say,
Speaker 1: let's do this. Now, you don't have to go for
Speaker 1: ten months. You don't have to go for this long thing.
Speaker 1: But going in preventatively, just like Dean just said, like
Speaker 1: I think it is also a commitment. I care about you.
Speaker 1: I care about the same thing about my health. If
Speaker 1: I don't take care of my body in certain ways,
Speaker 1: well what's gonna happen. It's gonna get harder and harder
Speaker 1: to do and come back from. Once I sort of
Speaker 1: let it go. I think some of the toughest times
Speaker 1: to do that, right that we tend to write if
Speaker 1: we get into a fight, say like, oh, we should
Speaker 1: go to therapy to help us really figure this out.
Speaker 1: But I think it's even tougher when you're not talking
Speaker 1: about things right, when you when there's tension in the
Speaker 1: relationship but no one's talking. We always talk about a
Speaker 1: couple of therapists. So much easier when a couple comes
Speaker 1: in and they're fighting than when a couple comes in
Speaker 1: and they're not talking at all and they're like, everything's fine, right,
Speaker 1: So I think that that can make it even more
Speaker 1: challenging when you're not talking, but you know, you need
Speaker 1: to talk about some of these things to be able
Speaker 1: to say, let's go into couple of therapy so we
Speaker 1: can have someone mediate this because it can be scary. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that's that's really good advice. Um, what about
Speaker 1: what do you guys have to say to people, whether
Speaker 1: they're looking for solo counseling or a couple's counseling or
Speaker 1: anything that I think one of the things that make
Speaker 1: people so nervous is like how do they find it?
Speaker 1: How do they go about it? Like what does the
Speaker 1: process look like? So what do you what kind of
Speaker 1: advice do you have for people that are like nervous
Speaker 1: about even starting it for the first time, and even
Speaker 1: like about finding a therapist, which I'm sure you guys
Speaker 1: can go on and on about, but like people that
Speaker 1: have considered it but maybe haven't followed through with the
Speaker 1: action yet. I think one of the things that we
Speaker 1: see is that sometimes people will go in for a
Speaker 1: therapy session with a therapist, have don't have a connection
Speaker 1: with them, and then write off therapy for the rest
Speaker 1: of time, right like, Oh, I went, I tried therapy,
Speaker 1: it didn't work. When we talk about your relationship with
Speaker 1: your therapist is the most important predictor of therapeutic success.
Speaker 1: So you have to find someone who's the right fit.
Speaker 1: We almost talk about it in terms of dating, right,
Speaker 1: like there are certain people you're going to connect with
Speaker 1: and other people you're not going to connect with, and
Speaker 1: it's so important to find a therapist that you feel
Speaker 1: a connection with. Sometimes you can hit it off off
Speaker 1: the bat, sometimes it takes a few sessions, but we
Speaker 1: recommend you know, having initial consultation calls just so you
Speaker 1: can see if you connect with the person and if
Speaker 1: they work with what you're looking to come in for
Speaker 1: and so that can take time. It can be intimid dating.
Speaker 1: Ask friends if they have therapists that they would recommend. Right,
Speaker 1: Some people rave about their therapist. Anyone have a friend
Speaker 1: that they're like talk about their therapists like they're their friend.
Speaker 1: I've never close personal connection with a therapist before. I've
Speaker 1: always i guess I've always kind of walked in and
Speaker 1: looked at them, at them as like a like a
Speaker 1: like a like authority figure, and since you know so,
Speaker 1: it's hard for me to like lean and be friendly
Speaker 1: with them. Yeah, So that's that. That is why we
Speaker 1: started our practice because we have gone and had therapeutic
Speaker 1: experiences where the therapist very much had that clinical wall.
Speaker 1: You looked at them as like in this one up position.
Speaker 1: And we really believe that if you have they're a
Speaker 1: therapist who you can relate to, who you can connect with,
Speaker 1: that that is really going to help you more so
Speaker 1: in therapy than someone who is an authority figure who
Speaker 1: has this clinical wall. And so that's something that we
Speaker 1: really preach at our practice. Yeah, I think it's one
Speaker 1: of those things. Also, if you a lot of people
Speaker 1: feel this about doctors, right, like especially if we when
Speaker 1: we talk about the sex education side of it, if
Speaker 1: people like to go away and the doctors like, well,
Speaker 1: do you have any unprotected sex? And you're like no, no,
Speaker 1: never me, never row dogs in my life, but like
Speaker 1: come on, you did, and we need to know that
Speaker 1: information to test for certain stuff, right, So, like part
Speaker 1: of this is also but if I see you as
Speaker 1: this like old dude that like freaks me out and
Speaker 1: like I think you're gonna shame me if I say
Speaker 1: I've had unprotected sex, which is just like kind of
Speaker 1: part of the human experience, Like you're not this horrible person.
Speaker 1: You just made a decision. But when we don't, when
Speaker 1: we can't admit that stuff to the person who's supposed
Speaker 1: to be there to help us, they actually can't do
Speaker 1: their job properly either. So if you feel so uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: same thing, like you know, and like everyone kind of
Speaker 1: lies on things like how many times a week do
Speaker 1: you drink? Like you know, like all of these things
Speaker 1: that we like don't really tell the truth on when
Speaker 1: we see people as this really hierarchical thing. You're the
Speaker 1: authority figure, you're on top, You're on part of this.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna go and be honest with you. And
Speaker 1: guess what, I can't do my job as well if
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going on. There's only so much
Speaker 1: I can do. If you're tell well, we don't actually
Speaker 1: ever fight ever, but also you haven't had sex in
Speaker 1: ten months and you fight every day. And also I
Speaker 1: tell you nothing about myself and I can hate you,
Speaker 1: you know, like I can't really do as much to
Speaker 1: help you. Then I remember one of my first coming
Speaker 1: coming to Jesus moments with my therapist. I started therapy
Speaker 1: and I was like, I've been in and out as
Speaker 1: a teenager and stuff, but I I self admitted when
Speaker 1: I was twenty six for the first time, I made
Speaker 1: the decision myself. And I remember one of my sessions
Speaker 1: I lied to my therapist about something like pretty early on,
Speaker 1: like maybe it was like session six or something like that,
Speaker 1: and I like took a step back, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I just lied to the to the person that I
Speaker 1: should be able to be perfectly honest with because they're
Speaker 1: trying to help me in a lot of ways. And uh.
Speaker 1: And then I stopped seeing her because I was like,
Speaker 1: if I don't feel comfortable to tell her all the
Speaker 1: truths that I need to tell her to get off
Speaker 1: my chest, then maybe this isn't really gonna go how
Speaker 1: I need to go. Um. So that's great. I love
Speaker 1: that you guys are knocking down those walls and are
Speaker 1: allowing people to do that because I think it's so important.
Speaker 1: And it's like, if you're not willing to tell the
Speaker 1: truth to the person that's like there to help you,
Speaker 1: then like, what else are you like hiding from yourself?
Speaker 1: I guess in a lot of ways, so exactly. And
Speaker 1: I think that's a question, right if you find yourself
Speaker 1: lying to your therapist to say, what's going on for me? Like,
Speaker 1: what's my fear is it? Is it that I fear
Speaker 1: that this person will judge me? Is that coming from
Speaker 1: a sense of I feel that in every relationship or
Speaker 1: is that coming from Okay, I don't have a connection
Speaker 1: with this therapist. I don't feel comfortable with them, because
Speaker 1: sometimes the relationship that we have with our therapist is
Speaker 1: reflected in all of our relationships, and that's something you
Speaker 1: can really work on in the context of therapy. Um.
Speaker 1: But that's a question to ask yourself if you find
Speaker 1: yourself lying to your therapist, say like, what where was
Speaker 1: that coming from for me? And it's something if you
Speaker 1: feel comfortable enough with your therapist that you can process
Speaker 1: through with your therapist in your next session. Like, Hey,
Speaker 1: I lied to you about this. I don't know why.
Speaker 1: I think we should talk about it. And I think
Speaker 1: especially with couples, especially when the fighting is maybe what
Speaker 1: we deem is unhealthy fighting right where like there's a
Speaker 1: lot of screaming or there's aggression and our throw a
Speaker 1: glass at the wall. There's so much shame of what
Speaker 1: this person is going to think about me. And the
Speaker 1: thing is that like we've heard it all, and like
Speaker 1: really truly, if you're feeling judged about your therapist, like
Speaker 1: if they say stuff, don't see them they suck, Like
Speaker 1: that's like it like you don't have to like you're
Speaker 1: actually paying this person. They work for you, so it
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they have to be nice to you
Speaker 1: and like co sign all your stuff. Like our job
Speaker 1: is to tell you the truth and sometimes that sucks
Speaker 1: to hear. But if you feel like you can't be
Speaker 1: honest about what's actually happening, it's not the right fit.
Speaker 1: But the reality is is that sometimes stuff is dirty fighting.
Speaker 1: Sometimes things are so bad and I'm past aggressive and
Speaker 1: I mean to you and I shove you and I
Speaker 1: don't sleep with you when I use it as threats,
Speaker 1: and like, these are very real things that we have
Speaker 1: to talk about more. But we're so worried that that
Speaker 1: makes us evil or bad or for women crazy or
Speaker 1: for guys boys, what any of the other things that
Speaker 1: we've sort of made into We've got to come back to,
Speaker 1: like being honest about how real this is the amount
Speaker 1: of times clients will come in and say, this is
Speaker 1: going to sound so crazy, and it never sounds crazy, never, never,
Speaker 1: but people people feel so much shame or they there's
Speaker 1: they you build stuff up so much in your head,
Speaker 1: but there's something that's so healing about saying it out
Speaker 1: loud to another person who's saying, like, no, that's actually
Speaker 1: very human. That's you know, it's very natural. But also
Speaker 1: like if you say something truthful and the response is
Speaker 1: not what you expected because it's like what you did
Speaker 1: was messed up, that probably just means what you did
Speaker 1: is like the wrong thing to be doing. And so
Speaker 1: maybe just like stop putting that and figure out and
Speaker 1: get to the bottom how to fix it, which I
Speaker 1: think is super There's there's two phrases that I think
Speaker 1: are really important for us all to hear, which is
Speaker 1: one is normal marital hatred. And that's from Terry Real,
Speaker 1: who was a great author with the first book of
Speaker 1: mail Depression, but he talks a lot about relationships. And
Speaker 1: one is normal marital hatred. We talk about normal relational hatred.
Speaker 1: It's actually normal to hate your spouse sometimes in your partner.
Speaker 1: What can you explain that A litle bit, that's interesting,
Speaker 1: it's normal. There's if I spend my time to someone,
Speaker 1: if I am with someone for I've been married for
Speaker 1: five years, I've been with my partner for twelve, I
Speaker 1: hate him. Sometimes we have a child together, there's annoying
Speaker 1: he does. And I can guarantee you if he was
Speaker 1: here right now, he'd say I hate you sometimes. That
Speaker 1: does not mean we're bad together. It means that we're human.
Speaker 1: And so when we can normalize this that like, the
Speaker 1: thing about marriage is like it isn't so easy and
Speaker 1: pretty and perfect. It's actually really really hard. And if
Speaker 1: we keep thinking that it's so easy and great all
Speaker 1: the time, we think that we're the ones failing when
Speaker 1: it's not always like that. That's a toxic positivity. And
Speaker 1: then the other phrase, and I think it's important for
Speaker 1: us to hear is that something that your therapist might
Speaker 1: do to you is what's not very popular is appropriate shaming,
Speaker 1: which is if you tell me that you're hurting and
Speaker 1: abusing other people, I'm gonna tell you stuff. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: tell you it's abuse. I'm gonna call you out because
Speaker 1: it's my job to be honest. And maybe no one
Speaker 1: said that's you before, so that might feel shameful. But
Speaker 1: sometimes there is behavior that is abuse of harmful behavior
Speaker 1: that we should hear about. Yeah. Yeah, I think people
Speaker 1: get caught up to especially with like the social media
Speaker 1: and everything. They see all these pretic relationships and they
Speaker 1: compare their relationships exactly and people will always say right,
Speaker 1: like if it's right, then it's going to be easy,
Speaker 1: or like when you just know when you know right,
Speaker 1: and that's we don't really believe in that that that takes,
Speaker 1: you know, it takes, It really takes work in a relationship.
Speaker 1: No matter what, it's just gonna happen. There are always
Speaker 1: things that are going to be brought up in your
Speaker 1: relationship that you have to work on. So what's your
Speaker 1: advice to people who are working kind of on a
Speaker 1: budget right now, because obviously you have to pay for therapy,
Speaker 1: and so when somebody says, hey, I'm in a relationship,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure if we need therapy, but it's always
Speaker 1: good to work on ourselves. What would your advice be if, well,
Speaker 1: you guys should go every six months or check up
Speaker 1: every year. Is it's like a doctor's appointment. I'm not
Speaker 1: dreaming being facetious. I'm just asking. No. I mean, so,
Speaker 1: the one thing I would say is that, like what
Speaker 1: can you do at home? All of the top couples
Speaker 1: therapises in the world have written books freedom they have
Speaker 1: to create like a chapter a night. I don't know
Speaker 1: how much people I read. The realities. It is expensive
Speaker 1: and it's also very hard. We're also currently in the
Speaker 1: midst of a mental health crisis in this country, so
Speaker 1: lines to to use your insurance. It's unbelievable right now.
Speaker 1: I mean, people have our we have a company. We
Speaker 1: have thirty clinicians. We just got down from our wait list.
Speaker 1: We had a three month wait list. Right there is
Speaker 1: a lot going on. Tons of people need help, and
Speaker 1: it's expensive and it's hard to find. But there are
Speaker 1: free resources. Books, you can read together podcasts, who can
Speaker 1: listen together e courses online. It's about to say listen
Speaker 1: to shrink chicks. You can listen to shrinks, but there
Speaker 1: are e courses. Tons of therapists have put out free
Speaker 1: worksheets and there is tons of Yeah, there's content follow
Speaker 1: all the therapy podcasts and so instagrams. It's not it listen,
Speaker 1: it's not personalized. There are things that that cannot give
Speaker 1: to you. But if you're on a budget and it's
Speaker 1: it's all you have, then you can absolutely collect resources
Speaker 1: that are free and you and the two of you
Speaker 1: can work on together. So but you ask a question,
Speaker 1: which is like how often should you go in? I
Speaker 1: don't think you need to go in all the time
Speaker 1: just for fun. But like I said, the first time,
Speaker 1: we stay for fun, fun last just like spend for
Speaker 1: fun um, you know, like what, But what I do
Speaker 1: think is when it's the first time it's said is
Speaker 1: we could use a therapist. That's when you go in
Speaker 1: first time. Because guess what if you go in the
Speaker 1: first time, you're not in it for a year, you're
Speaker 1: in and out. When you wait seven years to come
Speaker 1: in and you have three kids and there's so much
Speaker 1: resentment and so much stuff that'sopp and said, it's gonna
Speaker 1: take a lot longer. So it's one of those things,
Speaker 1: do we right, if you if you hurt yourself, you
Speaker 1: break an angle, and then you keep working out on it,
Speaker 1: what's gonna happen, Gonna get worse. It's gonna take a lot.
Speaker 1: It's gonna get worse and worse and worse. Right, So
Speaker 1: you don't think it's like, oh, I have to go
Speaker 1: in once a year, but I do think you should
Speaker 1: do every month something for your relationship. Every month there
Speaker 1: you go. For a lot of people, especially who have kids,
Speaker 1: they try to do a two two two rule, which
Speaker 1: means that I go on a date night every two weeks,
Speaker 1: I go on a night away every two months, and
Speaker 1: I go on a trip, a really big trip away
Speaker 1: every two years. So that's like a thing that people do.
Speaker 1: So there's all these things that we can do so
Speaker 1: many maintenance. I hope, I hope the two two two
Speaker 1: rule we can make that more happen more often. You know,
Speaker 1: if you can, that'd be your ideally. Obviously, if you can't, yes,
Speaker 1: well you guys, thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 1: For the listeners out there, This is Emily and Jen
Speaker 1: be sure to listen to their podcast, Shrink Chicks. Where
Speaker 1: can we listen to it? On Spotify? Where else? On everything?
Speaker 1: All the amazing places. I heart radio, Spotify, any place
Speaker 1: you get a podcast, you can find trip. I'll tell
Speaker 1: you what. You got three new listeners here between me,
Speaker 1: Jared and So. I'm sure hopefully someone number one number
Speaker 1: one listened right there. The suck Army decides to listen
Speaker 1: to it. Sounds like there's a lot to learn. Just
Speaker 1: been listening to you guys. Um, you guys were great.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us. We appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Thank you for having it. Take care anytime you guys
Speaker 1: want to come back. We're always happy to have you.
Speaker 1: So we're here for Thank you guys so much for
Speaker 1: imparting your wisdom. So, hi, guys, take care. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Well that's interesting. Did you guys get anything out of that? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I did it. I mean you've got some bounces on Dawson.
Speaker 1: And how about you? Would you and Chris ever do
Speaker 1: a couple of therapy or it's way too soon for
Speaker 1: that obviously? Well you said, would we Yeah? I think
Speaker 1: you're both big fans of therapy. So and early on
Speaker 1: in our relationship, like speaking outside help was de stigmatized
Speaker 1: for us completely, especially coming from the show. I think
Speaker 1: almost everyone who's been on the show sought after therapy
Speaker 1: at one part and job. Uh so yeah nice, I
Speaker 1: love it. Yeah. Like I said, I think it's only
Speaker 1: good things can come from it, and people need to
Speaker 1: realize that too. It's not like nothing's bad it's going
Speaker 1: to come from it. Only good things really come from it.
Speaker 1: So the only bad thing I guess is the chunk
Speaker 1: that gets taken out of your your wallet every once
Speaker 1: in a while. But whatever, that is what it is.
Speaker 1: I wish we could have I wish we could have
Speaker 1: asked it. They've seen any relationships that they're like, no,
Speaker 1: be done, or like, at what point our relationships done?
Speaker 1: Especially in the dating world when you haven't made that
Speaker 1: commitment yet. Are there things that happened that it's like
Speaker 1: I may love you, but this won't work true, right,
Speaker 1: like long distance or something we get a lot of
Speaker 1: long distance questions or even yeah, like fights, you know,
Speaker 1: or like even we could have gotten input on like
Speaker 1: the Amber heard Johnny depth thing or something like that.
Speaker 1: I don't know that would have been interesting, but you guys,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Interesting, thanks for thanks for co
Speaker 1: hosting this episode with me and um Anna. We looked.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna follow you on Instagram right now. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: look for the updates from you and Chris as often
Speaker 1: as you guys are willing to post them. Um can't
Speaker 1: wait for you, can't wait for the agement. Would you
Speaker 1: ever propose to Chris or are you expecting him to
Speaker 1: propose to you? Oh? No, Oh my god. We right
Speaker 1: when we saw the Thomas Becka thing. We love that
Speaker 1: for them. I love whatever any couple needs. But we
Speaker 1: look at each other and we got that will never
Speaker 1: be Just like I like the tradition, I want a
Speaker 1: big fat ring. I want you to make a big
Speaker 1: deal out of want to be with me for the
Speaker 1: rest of your life. That's fair. I saw that and
Speaker 1: I was like, those sons of pitches. They took my idea,
Speaker 1: so it's what we had. You'll be like, we'll have
Speaker 1: to think, yeah, that's gonna do it, and you rock.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us. This is great.
Speaker 1: Thank you to the sucky datas out there for listening
Speaker 1: to us. Be sure to tune in on Sunday where
Speaker 1: maybe we suck just a little bit less. Follow help
Speaker 1: by suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to podcast