WEBVTT - Sexual Shame and Step Mommying Feat. Jess Hooper

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<v Speaker 1>I think I really want to go. Some days I

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<v Speaker 1>want to fallow love Mondy go Bay. I my heart

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<v Speaker 1>is wet elver heen Maysday, I think I really want

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<v Speaker 1>to go. Somedays I want to fallow love Mondy go Bay,

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<v Speaker 1>and my heart is we elva heen Maysday. How's it you?

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<v Speaker 2>Happy moment that again.

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<v Speaker 1>Dream a cross Susy.

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<v Speaker 3>You and me?

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<v Speaker 2>Hello, welcome back. This is good mom's bad choices. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>Erica and I'm Mila. Happy Wednesday. I hope you guys

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<v Speaker 2>are having a good week. I hope you guys are

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<v Speaker 2>getting ship done. Any of the intentions that you set

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<v Speaker 2>this week. If you didn't set any intentions, set them

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<v Speaker 2>today and kill that shit. Wonderful motivational speech that was

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<v Speaker 2>just greant. You know you can book me in air

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<v Speaker 2>Collocal College. I will do a community college for I

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<v Speaker 2>don't think, not quite ready for you know, ivy League,

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<v Speaker 2>but get there. Speaking of motivational speaking, Jamina's fucking cough Sorry.

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<v Speaker 4>Guys, I'm still coughing week forty seven. Still coughing.

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<v Speaker 2>Sorry. I would say that's not because she's smoking. By

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<v Speaker 2>the way, no, it's not.

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<v Speaker 4>In fact, Erica forbid me from smoking. Have you guys

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<v Speaker 4>watched on Netflix The Tony Robinson Experience or some shit? No,

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<v Speaker 4>Oh my god, it's hilarious. I guess he's like a

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<v Speaker 4>motivation Oh.

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<v Speaker 2>Right, right, that's this girl was like travels to see

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<v Speaker 2>him speak. This girl, I know, is she crazy? She

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<v Speaker 2>seems really level headed. It took a long time to

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<v Speaker 2>say that she's Australian. She's one of those Australian influencer girls. Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>we need to watch it. She seems really very positive.

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<v Speaker 4>He's it's hilarious. I'm honestly like, who the fuck is

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<v Speaker 4>going to see this guy?

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<v Speaker 2>Really? He's like, what's your problem? It's your dad, isn't it.

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<v Speaker 2>I know it.

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<v Speaker 4>You'll dad, it's actually I love my dad. Think a

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<v Speaker 4>little harder, she'll dad. It's black, no being giant white man.

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<v Speaker 4>But he's like telling everybody with their problems it's usually

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<v Speaker 4>their dad, Like he hates dads.

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<v Speaker 2>It is the dad. You might like him accurate, but

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<v Speaker 2>he's like a billionaire.

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<v Speaker 4>He's like so fucking rich, off this shit telling people

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<v Speaker 4>about their life problems their dad. So basically all that

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<v Speaker 4>to say, I support you. Being a modivational speaker at

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<v Speaker 4>community colleges so I think I'll be your assistant and

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<v Speaker 4>hopefully you make millions.

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<v Speaker 2>Right, there's a lot of I feel like, actually, community

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<v Speaker 2>colleges are widely underlooked for that, and there's so many

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<v Speaker 2>more of them, Like I could cake the fuck.

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<v Speaker 3>Up you could.

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<v Speaker 4>There was like certain like certain avenues like motivational speaking,

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<v Speaker 4>being a pastor, you know, like people when they're low.

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<v Speaker 2>I can be anything at this point, because I was

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<v Speaker 2>studying picture, I was sending screenshots to Jamila of all

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<v Speaker 2>because we were trying to find like different specialists to

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<v Speaker 2>come on and literally you can be a fucking specialist

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<v Speaker 2>in anything you want. Because there was like a specialist

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<v Speaker 2>in like sexual healings, a specialist in like like transitional

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<v Speaker 2>I don't even know. It was like some shit I

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<v Speaker 2>never even heard of, but I don't even know how

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<v Speaker 2>you become a specialist in it, Like is there a chorus?

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<v Speaker 2>But some of the shit was really weird, and I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, I could be a specialist in anything at

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<v Speaker 2>this point. Yeah, what was one of them I sent

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<v Speaker 2>to you? Like, I sent you a few of them.

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<v Speaker 2>Some of them were so ridiculous.

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<v Speaker 4>I was like, what professional parent, progressive parent scientology, Like

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<v Speaker 4>it's just anything, Which spiritualist, Yeah, which astrologists, parental mom, midwife, doula,

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<v Speaker 4>an astrology expert.

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<v Speaker 2>It was like, yeah, it was like a movement energy

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<v Speaker 2>spiritualist expert. Basically, make your own title and run with

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<v Speaker 2>that ship, you know what. Low key more power to

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<v Speaker 2>them because I don't claim to be a specialist in anything,

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<v Speaker 2>so they're obviously doing something right. And I'm you know.

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<v Speaker 4>We're podcasts, podcast engineer, photo shoot director, coordinated specialists.

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<v Speaker 2>Just made up. No, I'm a semi I'm a parenthood

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<v Speaker 2>open I fuck up sometimes specialist, that's what. Anyway, you're

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<v Speaker 2>what you missed it? You missed the whole story because

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<v Speaker 2>you'll have to you'll have to listen to my podcast

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<v Speaker 2>to find out. Anyway, Today we have a guest, Jess Hooper,

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<v Speaker 2>who was we were connected through a mutual friend of

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<v Speaker 2>ours Isoila Darden. Shout out to Soila. Whoila is always

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<v Speaker 2>like connecting me to amazing women, connecting me to like

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<v Speaker 2>amazing opportunities, speaking to women, talking about parenthood. You know,

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<v Speaker 2>she's a semi new mom herself. She's a one year

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<v Speaker 2>old who's so damn cute. She's pretty much the bomb

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<v Speaker 2>dot com. Yeah, like she's she's been. I'm so happy

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<v Speaker 2>that I met her and so she connected me to you.

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<v Speaker 2>So thank you so much for.

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<v Speaker 5>Coming, thank you for having me, and and yes, shout

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<v Speaker 5>out so other for the introductions and yeah, I'm excited

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<v Speaker 5>to be here.

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<v Speaker 2>Can you tell us about on the Fence? Yes, and

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<v Speaker 2>anything else you have going on right now.

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<v Speaker 5>So I'm doing a conversation series called on the Fence,

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<v Speaker 5>and it's about just that, about being on the fence

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<v Speaker 5>about big decisions, primarily motherhood, career, and relationships. It's been

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<v Speaker 5>coming up in my personal life a lot where I'll

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<v Speaker 5>have friends who are like, Okay, I don't want to

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<v Speaker 5>be a mom, and I'm like great, and I'm back

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<v Speaker 5>to the conversation that we were having before. But then

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<v Speaker 5>they start asking me about so link, so how did

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<v Speaker 5>you afford preschool?

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<v Speaker 3>And you know, like how are you know? How did

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<v Speaker 3>it impact your marriage?

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<v Speaker 5>And I'm like, you got a lot of questions for

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<v Speaker 5>somebody that don't want kids, like do you want to

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<v Speaker 5>tell me something? And then usually it turns out like, Okay,

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<v Speaker 5>well I'm saying I don't because I don't want kids

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<v Speaker 5>with my current partner. I don't know if I'm going

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<v Speaker 5>to be able to afford it, and I'm like, Okay,

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<v Speaker 5>now we're getting somewhere. Because to just say you don't

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<v Speaker 5>want kids, I'm like, which is great if you don't,

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<v Speaker 5>but if it's actually an underlying reason, then like maybe

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<v Speaker 5>we can address that, like that can be changed, he

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<v Speaker 5>can be gone, or you can make more money or

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<v Speaker 5>whatever it is. So I just feel like I want

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<v Speaker 5>I want women to like just do whatever they want.

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<v Speaker 5>And I see that a lot of times. We always

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<v Speaker 5>have like, oh, well I would be doing this amazing shit,

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<v Speaker 5>but it's because of x y Z that I can't.

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<v Speaker 5>And I'm like, well, what if we got rid of

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<v Speaker 5>x y Z would you still? Would you not do it?

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<v Speaker 3>And usually the.

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<v Speaker 5>Answer is like you get a lot of resistance because

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<v Speaker 5>then she's like, actually it's these five other things and

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<v Speaker 5>just like.

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<v Speaker 3>Well you must just talk about it. I think everything.

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<v Speaker 2>Getting out of your own way, I think really essentially.

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<v Speaker 5>Is and it starts with a conversation. And I think

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<v Speaker 5>it has to be a certain type of conversation where

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<v Speaker 5>it's not judging.

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<v Speaker 3>It's not like well you just need to shoot together, or.

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<v Speaker 5>It's your dad, Like let's just have an honest conversation

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<v Speaker 5>about it, and I bring in experts, not just made.

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<v Speaker 3>Up specialists, actual expert You could look at the credentials

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<v Speaker 3>and everything to ask for people showing up to ask

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<v Speaker 3>questions too.

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<v Speaker 5>So this first one's on motherhood, and my first expert

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<v Speaker 5>is a midwife. She has the first credited birthing center

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<v Speaker 5>in Los Angeles. Her name's Elizabeth Backner and Elizabeth delivers

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<v Speaker 5>babies for a living.

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<v Speaker 2>Wait was that the graceful? Okay, it's so funny because

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<v Speaker 2>I actually went to her facility when I was pregnant,

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<v Speaker 2>because I think it's that one, is it. Yeah, yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>I've stalked to her before.

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<v Speaker 3>Okay, yeah, never stop worthy.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, No, her facility gets like I mean, and she

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<v Speaker 2>has a great reputation. I mean, I definitely I think

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<v Speaker 2>I googled birth centers and she was one of the

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<v Speaker 2>first ones that popped up, and yeah, that's amazing. I

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<v Speaker 2>actually I can't wait to hear you know her what

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<v Speaker 2>she has to say in perspective and everything.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah, she's amazing, like, delivers babies for a living, has

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<v Speaker 5>a birth center, no children of her own, which I

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<v Speaker 5>thought was fascinating. I didn't realize that there were a

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<v Speaker 5>lot of midwives out there that have no children.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, a lot of them, yeahtually, even Erica.

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<v Speaker 5>And so her reasons behind it were very layered and

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<v Speaker 5>she's very open about it. She has like a a

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<v Speaker 5>long Instagram post that I saw where she talks about,

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<v Speaker 5>you know, during her child bearing years, where like the

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<v Speaker 5>money wasn't right and the support wasn't right.

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<v Speaker 3>And you know, just making peace with that.

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<v Speaker 5>And and I think her quote is, you know, I'm

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<v Speaker 5>being a good parent by not having children.

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<v Speaker 2>Mmm.

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<v Speaker 5>And I just thought like, Okay, that's something we don't

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<v Speaker 5>talk about, like normally we just want to wag our

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<v Speaker 5>fingers at somebody like, you know, why aren't you doing

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<v Speaker 5>your your role as a woman by having a kid.

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<v Speaker 2>And I'm like, that's her only duty in life? Every producer, No,

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<v Speaker 2>I think it's always I think, even me, like I've

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<v Speaker 2>had to unlearn things too, like when I hear people

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<v Speaker 2>that don't want to have kids, where I used to

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<v Speaker 2>hear when people would openly say that, like I have

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<v Speaker 2>a girlfriend, not a Lita on my girlfriend not Alita

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<v Speaker 2>who for as long as I can remember, I don't

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<v Speaker 2>want to have kids. I don't want to have kids.

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<v Speaker 2>And of course, when you're a teenager you're like, Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>well that makes sense me neither fuck kids right by.

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<v Speaker 2>And then but then as we approached into our twenties

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<v Speaker 2>mid twenties and we both are in relationships, and she

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<v Speaker 2>was still saying that, I was like, what's wrong with you?

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<v Speaker 2>You know? And you know that's just because of social conditioning, yes,

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<v Speaker 2>me thinking that that's a woman equals baby, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>And I think, like I've had to really like some

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<v Speaker 2>people just that's just not their calling and that's just

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<v Speaker 2>not and it's okay, and you know what better because

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<v Speaker 2>we don't need any more parents. No, no, no, we don't

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<v Speaker 2>need any more people have You don't need anymore. You

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<v Speaker 2>don't need any more people having kids that shouldn't be

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<v Speaker 2>having kids, you know, mistreating their children, not really like

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<v Speaker 2>being present for their kids, and putting making little assholes

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<v Speaker 2>more assholes in the world. We don't need any more assholes.

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<v Speaker 4>I think a lot of our podcasts has been centered

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<v Speaker 4>around I think a lot of our podcast has been

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<v Speaker 4>centered around just breaking out of the norms and the

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<v Speaker 4>programming that we've been taught, like not only as parents,

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<v Speaker 4>but as women, that we've been like soap programmed into

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<v Speaker 4>thinking certain ways and just that, like, we forget that.

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<v Speaker 4>We have to break that shit and start over and

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<v Speaker 4>redefine things for yourself because.

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<v Speaker 2>It doesn't make a lot of sense because you don't the.

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<v Speaker 4>Center of sole purpose. We don't have to have babies.

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<v Speaker 4>We don't have to have babies in a two parent home.

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<v Speaker 4>We don't have to stay married. We don't have to

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<v Speaker 4>be married. And that shit's okay too, you know, so

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<v Speaker 4>we don't have to have a partner.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, Like ever, all.

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<v Speaker 5>Of this kid's so overlooked, and I like you. I

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<v Speaker 5>googled birthing centers from when I was pregnant, and that's

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<v Speaker 5>how I found Elizabeth as well.

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<v Speaker 2>She was your wife.

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<v Speaker 5>She was awesome, she was and like, right out the gate,

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<v Speaker 5>I knew that this was the person I needed to

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<v Speaker 5>have around me. So the early part of my pregnancy,

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<v Speaker 5>I was terrified of miscarrying.

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<v Speaker 3>Like I just felt like this.

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<v Speaker 5>I don't even want to get excited about this baby,

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<v Speaker 5>because it's not gonna happen, if you.

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<v Speaker 2>Know what I mean. Ask you how old were you

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<v Speaker 2>when you got pregnant.

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<v Speaker 5>I'm twenty eight, twenty nine, so I was definitely a

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<v Speaker 5>grown ass person and married, and I just remember being

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<v Speaker 5>at my prenatal visits with her, and finally she asked

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<v Speaker 5>me one day, She's like, why are you so afraid

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<v Speaker 5>of losing this baby? And I'm pretty sure I didn't

0:11:33.600 --> 0:11:36.880
<v Speaker 5>give her this answer in that moment, But through years

0:11:36.920 --> 0:11:38.800
<v Speaker 5>of kind of unpacking it, I realized that I didn't

0:11:38.800 --> 0:11:41.439
<v Speaker 5>feel like I deserved my daughter. I didn't feel like

0:11:41.520 --> 0:11:44.120
<v Speaker 5>I yeah, I just didn't feel like I deserved her.

0:11:44.200 --> 0:11:46.360
<v Speaker 5>And it was from a lot of the programming that

0:11:46.400 --> 0:11:48.680
<v Speaker 5>we've been talking about of feeling like, well.

0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:51.640
<v Speaker 3>I didn't do life right, you know, air quote right.

0:11:51.760 --> 0:11:56.040
<v Speaker 5>So you know my family, they're very loving, but they

0:11:56.040 --> 0:11:57.960
<v Speaker 5>were very religious for a long time, and it was

0:11:58.040 --> 0:12:01.240
<v Speaker 5>like quite a few of the people, like in my

0:12:01.280 --> 0:12:03.000
<v Speaker 5>family and in our circle, like they did the purity

0:12:03.080 --> 0:12:04.440
<v Speaker 5>ring ceremony.

0:12:03.960 --> 0:12:05.280
<v Speaker 2>Like what is that?

0:12:05.360 --> 0:12:08.040
<v Speaker 3>Oh, that's where you pledge your allegiance to the Lord

0:12:08.200 --> 0:12:10.000
<v Speaker 3>that you're not going to have sex until you're married.

0:12:10.160 --> 0:12:14.760
<v Speaker 2>There's a ceremony in the church. Yeah, have you heard

0:12:14.800 --> 0:12:14.960
<v Speaker 2>of this?

0:12:15.000 --> 0:12:15.599
<v Speaker 3>I went to goth this.

0:12:15.679 --> 0:12:16.840
<v Speaker 2>Oh my gosh, so much pressure.

0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:19.680
<v Speaker 6>WOA, how hold were you when you make like I

0:12:19.720 --> 0:12:23.040
<v Speaker 6>didn't make it.

0:12:23.720 --> 0:12:25.160
<v Speaker 2>I didn't make it. I didn't make it.

0:12:25.240 --> 0:12:27.680
<v Speaker 5>At no, I knew I was gonna be fucking you

0:12:27.720 --> 0:12:30.280
<v Speaker 5>make it sick. Yeah, yeah, so I was probably, you know,

0:12:30.520 --> 0:12:32.080
<v Speaker 5>sick on the day of the ceremony.

0:12:31.960 --> 0:12:34.480
<v Speaker 4>Trying to reschedule, Like did all the girls in the

0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:35.640
<v Speaker 4>church have you go that day?

0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:37.560
<v Speaker 2>Have you been to a ceremony? What does it consist of?

0:12:37.920 --> 0:12:38.440
<v Speaker 3>I haven't been.

0:12:38.880 --> 0:12:39.760
<v Speaker 2>We have so many questions.

0:12:39.880 --> 0:12:40.440
<v Speaker 3>I did not go.

0:12:40.800 --> 0:12:42.520
<v Speaker 2>What sect of Christianity is this?

0:12:42.720 --> 0:12:43.400
<v Speaker 3>I did not go.

0:12:43.480 --> 0:12:45.360
<v Speaker 5>I didn't want any parts of it. I would just

0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:47.560
<v Speaker 5>try to like leave the room if the conversation came up.

0:12:47.559 --> 0:12:48.280
<v Speaker 3>They never asked me.

0:12:48.240 --> 0:12:50.440
<v Speaker 2>To do it. Was this from your school or from your.

0:12:50.360 --> 0:12:53.720
<v Speaker 5>Parents, not even my parents, but like my church, and

0:12:53.760 --> 0:12:56.360
<v Speaker 5>so my cousins, like I think two of them did

0:12:56.360 --> 0:12:59.720
<v Speaker 5>it around what age was this like fifteen sixteen, Like

0:12:59.800 --> 0:13:01.680
<v Speaker 5>right around the time you start thinking about fucking.

0:13:01.600 --> 0:13:04.679
<v Speaker 2>Well, what about parents? Were they like you missed you?

0:13:06.200 --> 0:13:08.440
<v Speaker 5>They never pressured me to do it, But this is

0:13:08.520 --> 0:13:10.640
<v Speaker 5>just what I saw. So this is where I knew.

0:13:10.640 --> 0:13:12.640
<v Speaker 5>I was just taking it in and like nobody ever

0:13:12.800 --> 0:13:15.200
<v Speaker 5>asked me why I didn't do it, when was I

0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:18.480
<v Speaker 5>going to? I just saw it happening and didn't realize

0:13:18.480 --> 0:13:20.400
<v Speaker 5>I had carried it with me through adulthood, where I

0:13:20.440 --> 0:13:25.120
<v Speaker 5>was like, okay, you you didn't do any of the

0:13:25.160 --> 0:13:26.760
<v Speaker 5>things that you were supposed to do. You didn't wait

0:13:26.840 --> 0:13:31.360
<v Speaker 5>until you were married and you were out. Like everyone

0:13:31.400 --> 0:13:32.080
<v Speaker 5>has a whole phase.

0:13:32.120 --> 0:13:33.760
<v Speaker 2>I don't say you when you lost your originity?

0:13:33.920 --> 0:13:38.400
<v Speaker 3>Oh god, sixteen, when were you able?

0:13:38.440 --> 0:13:40.280
<v Speaker 2>I mean you said your parents were pretty religious. So

0:13:40.559 --> 0:13:42.120
<v Speaker 2>did they talk to you about sex? Were you able

0:13:42.120 --> 0:13:45.120
<v Speaker 2>to talk to Yes, she lost your virginity did you

0:13:45.160 --> 0:13:45.959
<v Speaker 2>talk to her about it?

0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:47.440
<v Speaker 3>By accident?

0:13:48.280 --> 0:13:50.240
<v Speaker 5>So she had a really good talk with me, and

0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:55.559
<v Speaker 5>it involved photographic evidence of what a STD would look like.

0:13:56.000 --> 0:13:59.080
<v Speaker 3>She's a nurse. Oh so, oh no, it's kind of

0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:01.000
<v Speaker 3>a horror reference. It's actually good.

0:14:01.040 --> 0:14:02.719
<v Speaker 2>No, they they did it to us in school. It's

0:14:02.720 --> 0:14:04.640
<v Speaker 2>like sex and they show you the clips of all. Yeah,

0:14:04.679 --> 0:14:07.199
<v Speaker 2>but sometimes it's better if it's coming from a parent.

0:14:07.360 --> 0:14:09.280
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, like when you're just sitting at the kitchen table

0:14:09.320 --> 0:14:14.800
<v Speaker 5>and she's like, I'm sure, yeah, this is untreated. And

0:14:15.679 --> 0:14:17.880
<v Speaker 5>she wasn't showing it to me to like say, don't.

0:14:17.640 --> 0:14:19.040
<v Speaker 2>Have sex, but this is what could happen.

0:14:19.080 --> 0:14:21.880
<v Speaker 5>She was like, just make sure you're like always being

0:14:21.920 --> 0:14:24.880
<v Speaker 5>safe about it. So for me that was liberating. I

0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:26.360
<v Speaker 5>was like, Okay, I can go out and have all

0:14:26.360 --> 0:14:26.840
<v Speaker 5>the sex that.

0:14:26.800 --> 0:14:28.160
<v Speaker 2>I will do it right.

0:14:28.760 --> 0:14:29.920
<v Speaker 3>I was never afraid of.

0:14:29.880 --> 0:14:32.640
<v Speaker 5>It, Like, okay, you know the first time you have sex,

0:14:32.640 --> 0:14:34.200
<v Speaker 5>you're gonna catch a disease and have a baby.

0:14:34.240 --> 0:14:36.560
<v Speaker 3>I was like, not the way I'm having sex. I'm good.

0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:38.240
<v Speaker 2>Did your parents wait till marriage?

0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:39.560
<v Speaker 3>I don't think so.

0:14:39.640 --> 0:14:41.960
<v Speaker 5>I never asked them. But they got married like three

0:14:41.960 --> 0:14:42.960
<v Speaker 5>months after meeting each other.

0:14:43.000 --> 0:14:43.360
<v Speaker 4>Some of them.

0:14:43.360 --> 0:14:46.400
<v Speaker 2>They're like no, or maybe they were like, look, let's

0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:47.840
<v Speaker 2>get married so we can get too wicked.

0:14:49.120 --> 0:14:49.920
<v Speaker 3>I don't think it was.

0:14:50.000 --> 0:14:50.080
<v Speaker 2>No.

0:14:50.160 --> 0:14:51.840
<v Speaker 3>Actually, you know, I know for a fact my mom didn't.

0:14:52.240 --> 0:14:52.960
<v Speaker 2>Are they still married?

0:14:53.080 --> 0:14:53.120
<v Speaker 1>No?

0:14:57.120 --> 0:14:59.360
<v Speaker 5>No, they were in the military, So I feel like

0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:01.240
<v Speaker 5>that probably into it too, like you want to get

0:15:01.240 --> 0:15:02.800
<v Speaker 5>married quick so they can't separate you.

0:15:03.800 --> 0:15:06.520
<v Speaker 2>But oh, I didn't know that was a thing either.

0:15:06.640 --> 0:15:08.440
<v Speaker 3>Oh, military people love getting married.

0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:08.600
<v Speaker 4>They do.

0:15:08.680 --> 0:15:10.520
<v Speaker 2>I thought that was for the benefits. I thought so too.

0:15:10.560 --> 0:15:13.000
<v Speaker 2>So it's because then you can't get like like you

0:15:13.120 --> 0:15:15.720
<v Speaker 2>always have to be together wherever you go, you're if

0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:16.920
<v Speaker 2>you're transferred.

0:15:16.440 --> 0:15:18.720
<v Speaker 3>Here to Yeah, that's why they'd be so quick to

0:15:18.720 --> 0:15:19.200
<v Speaker 3>get married.

0:15:19.320 --> 0:15:21.040
<v Speaker 2>Got it interesting?

0:15:21.160 --> 0:15:23.800
<v Speaker 3>Okay, So if you ever just want a quick husband, find.

0:15:23.680 --> 0:15:27.200
<v Speaker 2>You won't find me or any of my family members

0:15:27.200 --> 0:15:29.640
<v Speaker 2>in the military. Actually, it's so funny that you said that,

0:15:29.680 --> 0:15:34.760
<v Speaker 2>because my brother was like military. Yeah. To my stepdad

0:15:34.920 --> 0:15:36.360
<v Speaker 2>was like, did he discourage that? Immediate?

0:15:36.440 --> 0:15:37.040
<v Speaker 3>Absolutely?

0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:38.600
<v Speaker 2>I was like, what the fuck did you say? He

0:15:38.720 --> 0:15:42.400
<v Speaker 2>was like, I was like, WHOA hold up? Cool, right,

0:15:42.800 --> 0:15:44.600
<v Speaker 2>he's because my brother's in a place now where he's

0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:47.600
<v Speaker 2>may know where he wants to what he wants to do,

0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:49.920
<v Speaker 2>where he wants to be. I mean, he's gonna go

0:15:49.920 --> 0:15:52.920
<v Speaker 2>to college regardless. I mean for some I'm not with

0:15:53.000 --> 0:15:55.960
<v Speaker 2>the military, Well the fuck no. I mean shout out

0:15:55.960 --> 0:15:58.479
<v Speaker 2>to the people that I've you know, projected our country

0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:00.720
<v Speaker 2>and all those things. I don't that lightly, you know,

0:16:00.800 --> 0:16:05.800
<v Speaker 2>because it's necessary, But for me personally and my family,

0:16:06.200 --> 0:16:08.040
<v Speaker 2>like it scares me. It's scary.

0:16:08.200 --> 0:16:11.480
<v Speaker 4>I just think, especially as like a woman of color,

0:16:12.480 --> 0:16:15.520
<v Speaker 4>I can't imagine like sending my black child to protect

0:16:15.520 --> 0:16:17.400
<v Speaker 4>a country that's never protected us.

0:16:17.880 --> 0:16:19.080
<v Speaker 2>It doesn't really make a lot of sense.

0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:20.560
<v Speaker 3>There's a lot of conflict with it.

0:16:20.640 --> 0:16:24.520
<v Speaker 5>So my my family is heavily military and and I

0:16:24.720 --> 0:16:26.880
<v Speaker 5>you know, they're very aware of like, Okay, this country

0:16:26.920 --> 0:16:28.520
<v Speaker 5>really ain't for you that.

0:16:28.440 --> 0:16:31.840
<v Speaker 2>Way, but the benefits that you can get. I'm here.

0:16:32.240 --> 0:16:35.400
<v Speaker 3>I'm here for what I can and you.

0:16:35.360 --> 0:16:38.240
<v Speaker 5>Know, I've seen people come up with it and my

0:16:38.320 --> 0:16:41.080
<v Speaker 5>parents definitely benefited from it. But I always tell Peven, like,

0:16:41.120 --> 0:16:43.680
<v Speaker 5>the reason I didn't join is because my parents did,

0:16:43.760 --> 0:16:45.400
<v Speaker 5>Like they did it so that I wouldn't have to.

0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:48.480
<v Speaker 5>So I think a lot of people that are looking

0:16:48.760 --> 0:16:50.920
<v Speaker 5>to join, maybe they're looking to do it so that

0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:52.760
<v Speaker 5>their kids in the future won't have to.

0:16:53.800 --> 0:16:56.560
<v Speaker 4>And you know, it's it bothers me. And I think

0:16:56.680 --> 0:16:59.520
<v Speaker 4>also like like economically where you are, it makes a

0:16:59.560 --> 0:17:02.040
<v Speaker 4>different yea, And it what bothers me. I know that

0:17:02.080 --> 0:17:03.920
<v Speaker 4>for some people it isn't out, and that makes sense.

0:17:03.960 --> 0:17:05.680
<v Speaker 4>You can get in and get out, get your education.

0:17:06.480 --> 0:17:08.720
<v Speaker 4>But I think that I'm bothering me about the militaries.

0:17:08.720 --> 0:17:11.679
<v Speaker 4>A lot of times they target kids in the inner city.

0:17:11.800 --> 0:17:13.760
<v Speaker 4>You know, if you see those setups, they're like in

0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:16.119
<v Speaker 4>the hood and in places trying to recruit people, and

0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:18.879
<v Speaker 4>it's just like it just gives me an uneasy feeling,

0:17:18.960 --> 0:17:20.639
<v Speaker 4>like go to your own neighborhood with that ship.

0:17:21.000 --> 0:17:23.720
<v Speaker 2>Well, I mean, but then at the same time, it's like, well,

0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:25.879
<v Speaker 2>for some of these kids, and I know they don't go,

0:17:25.960 --> 0:17:28.920
<v Speaker 2>they're gonna be getting their asses in trouble. That's like

0:17:29.040 --> 0:17:30.520
<v Speaker 2>I get it. It's like a double edged sword.

0:17:30.560 --> 0:17:34.000
<v Speaker 5>It's like, yeah, benefits. Then there's also like it's it's

0:17:34.040 --> 0:17:36.840
<v Speaker 5>definitely complex. I think if you can make it work

0:17:36.920 --> 0:17:39.600
<v Speaker 5>for you, then you're you're good if you just go

0:17:39.680 --> 0:17:41.439
<v Speaker 5>and you're like, I didn't get ship out of it?

0:17:41.520 --> 0:17:42.000
<v Speaker 2>The system?

0:17:42.200 --> 0:17:45.120
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, like are we are? We quoting Players Club quotes?

0:17:45.160 --> 0:17:46.960
<v Speaker 3>I love this is that's the Players Club kind of

0:17:47.000 --> 0:17:49.560
<v Speaker 3>what is it? Make the money they make you?

0:17:54.880 --> 0:17:58.640
<v Speaker 2>Okay, well that's interesting. I mean so so then because

0:17:58.800 --> 0:18:03.280
<v Speaker 2>of that, your upbringing and you know, you're maybe were

0:18:03.320 --> 0:18:05.800
<v Speaker 2>y did were I know your family was religious, but

0:18:05.840 --> 0:18:08.200
<v Speaker 2>were you religious enough at any point? No.

0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:11.479
<v Speaker 5>I would show up because I had to, but I

0:18:11.520 --> 0:18:14.520
<v Speaker 5>was never like fully invested in it. So I think

0:18:14.560 --> 0:18:16.639
<v Speaker 5>also I was battling with that, like should I have

0:18:16.720 --> 0:18:19.320
<v Speaker 5>been more committed to it? And you know, why don't

0:18:19.359 --> 0:18:21.480
<v Speaker 5>I believe the same things that they believe in?

0:18:21.920 --> 0:18:23.399
<v Speaker 3>And all of this just showed up.

0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:25.840
<v Speaker 5>I I'd been like kind of going through life without

0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:28.000
<v Speaker 5>even thinking about it, and it's just like so far gone.

0:18:28.040 --> 0:18:29.320
<v Speaker 3>I'm like I'm happy I'm doing me.

0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:31.960
<v Speaker 5>And then during the pregnancy that's when at all, like

0:18:32.119 --> 0:18:34.240
<v Speaker 5>just kind of came rushing back at me like, oh,

0:18:34.240 --> 0:18:36.679
<v Speaker 5>you're not at peace with a lot of this M

0:18:36.720 --> 0:18:38.479
<v Speaker 5>to the point where you don't think you deserve your

0:18:38.520 --> 0:18:43.240
<v Speaker 5>baby MM. And Elizabeth asking me that, and she I

0:18:43.320 --> 0:18:45.320
<v Speaker 5>think it made such a difference because she didn't just

0:18:45.320 --> 0:18:47.199
<v Speaker 5>brush me off like no, no, it's fine, you're just

0:18:47.240 --> 0:18:48.679
<v Speaker 5>you're being ridiculous, like cause.

0:18:48.560 --> 0:18:51.280
<v Speaker 2>She could have and like you have doctors probably would

0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:52.360
<v Speaker 2>have yeah.

0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:53.800
<v Speaker 3>And so she was like, no, let's talk about this.

0:18:54.040 --> 0:18:55.920
<v Speaker 3>And it was that.

0:18:56.040 --> 0:18:59.320
<v Speaker 5>And then just going through the pregnancy of me realizing

0:18:59.359 --> 0:19:01.280
<v Speaker 5>the financial that I was about to take on, Like

0:19:02.080 --> 0:19:04.679
<v Speaker 5>my anxiety just shot up throughout the entire time, so

0:19:04.720 --> 0:19:07.600
<v Speaker 5>I didn't really get to enjoy being pregnant. I was

0:19:07.600 --> 0:19:09.640
<v Speaker 5>so caught up and how are we gonna afford this?

0:19:09.760 --> 0:19:12.119
<v Speaker 5>And I had a high deductible all my health insurance

0:19:12.160 --> 0:19:15.520
<v Speaker 5>and just all this crazy shit that eventually got worked

0:19:15.560 --> 0:19:17.640
<v Speaker 5>out M. But I was like, I see why people

0:19:17.640 --> 0:19:20.240
<v Speaker 5>would say nah, O D I'd never sign up for

0:19:20.320 --> 0:19:22.720
<v Speaker 5>this MM, because once I was in it, I was like, oh,

0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:25.720
<v Speaker 5>I don't, I can't. I don't know if I can

0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:28.960
<v Speaker 5>do this MM. And I was a step mom before

0:19:29.000 --> 0:19:31.520
<v Speaker 5>I got pregnant. So my husband's ten years older than me,

0:19:32.080 --> 0:19:35.159
<v Speaker 5>and I think at the time his daughter was like

0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:37.760
<v Speaker 5>ten or eleven. But by the time I was pregnant

0:19:37.760 --> 0:19:40.879
<v Speaker 5>with a Mirah, she was like fourteen or fifteen somewhere

0:19:40.880 --> 0:19:41.720
<v Speaker 5>in there. M.

0:19:41.760 --> 0:19:43.520
<v Speaker 3>And he wanted her in the delivery room.

0:19:43.640 --> 0:19:44.120
<v Speaker 2>MM.

0:19:44.160 --> 0:19:46.879
<v Speaker 5>I didn't want anyone in the delivery room mm again,

0:19:46.920 --> 0:19:49.359
<v Speaker 5>because I was still terrified that something was gonna go wrong, even.

0:19:49.280 --> 0:19:50.399
<v Speaker 3>Up to the very last minute.

0:19:50.440 --> 0:19:53.280
<v Speaker 5>Wow, Okay, So I was like, I just want my

0:19:53.359 --> 0:19:56.200
<v Speaker 5>mom and my husband and of course any medical people

0:19:56.240 --> 0:19:59.560
<v Speaker 5>that need to be there. And Elizabeth helped me navigate,

0:19:59.640 --> 0:20:02.040
<v Speaker 5>like how to have that conversation of I don't want

0:20:02.080 --> 0:20:04.800
<v Speaker 5>your daughter in the delivery room. It's nothing against her,

0:20:04.840 --> 0:20:07.440
<v Speaker 5>it's nothing against you. This is just where I'm at.

0:20:07.720 --> 0:20:09.600
<v Speaker 5>And I don't think I would have been able to

0:20:11.000 --> 0:20:14.760
<v Speaker 5>have that type of conversation without hurting feelings without.

0:20:14.840 --> 0:20:16.920
<v Speaker 2>How did he? How did he was he receptive to

0:20:17.000 --> 0:20:18.280
<v Speaker 2>that or was it not? At first?

0:20:18.640 --> 0:20:20.680
<v Speaker 5>That's why I had to recruit her into help, because

0:20:20.720 --> 0:20:22.600
<v Speaker 5>at first, I like, just at the mere mention of.

0:20:22.560 --> 0:20:24.679
<v Speaker 2>It, why was it so important for his daughter to

0:20:24.720 --> 0:20:25.040
<v Speaker 2>be there?

0:20:27.640 --> 0:20:31.000
<v Speaker 5>I think because he wasn't there for her birth. I

0:20:31.359 --> 0:20:32.960
<v Speaker 5>feel like he was trying to make up for something.

0:20:33.280 --> 0:20:35.520
<v Speaker 4>I can understand it. I wouldn't want Luna to be

0:20:35.560 --> 0:20:38.240
<v Speaker 4>in the room when if I get birked again, he.

0:20:38.240 --> 0:20:38.879
<v Speaker 3>Said, you wouldn't.

0:20:38.920 --> 0:20:42.320
<v Speaker 2>I would, but that's your daughter. But it's it's it's

0:20:42.640 --> 0:20:49.719
<v Speaker 2>but it's his daughter, it's her sibling. So likeent delivery,

0:20:50.000 --> 0:20:52.320
<v Speaker 2>and it was one thing if she had a daughter already.

0:20:52.560 --> 0:20:55.480
<v Speaker 2>And then he was like, I don't want your daughter

0:20:55.600 --> 0:20:57.240
<v Speaker 2>in the birth of our daughter.

0:20:57.400 --> 0:20:59.200
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, but I mean yeah, I can see him like

0:20:59.240 --> 0:21:01.320
<v Speaker 4>wanting to make up for But I I because I

0:21:01.359 --> 0:21:03.439
<v Speaker 4>know how much that's important for me. Even if her

0:21:03.520 --> 0:21:06.000
<v Speaker 4>dad is not gonna be the same dad, I can

0:21:06.080 --> 0:21:08.040
<v Speaker 4>get it. But that's I mean, that's a that's a

0:21:08.080 --> 0:21:10.320
<v Speaker 4>tough situation to be had. I mean, it's a tough

0:21:10.359 --> 0:21:12.840
<v Speaker 4>situation to be a step parent period.

0:21:12.960 --> 0:21:13.240
<v Speaker 2>Whoof.

0:21:14.480 --> 0:21:16.280
<v Speaker 4>And I have another girlfriend who's going through it like

0:21:16.359 --> 0:21:19.600
<v Speaker 4>right now with a teenager daughter, and it's.

0:21:19.480 --> 0:21:21.879
<v Speaker 3>Like, it's not for the faint of heart, it's not.

0:21:22.200 --> 0:21:25.520
<v Speaker 4>It's not like that is a struggle within itself. How

0:21:25.560 --> 0:21:26.600
<v Speaker 4>do you deal with that? Is her?

0:21:26.720 --> 0:21:28.800
<v Speaker 2>Is her mother very active in her life?

0:21:29.119 --> 0:21:29.359
<v Speaker 3>Yes?

0:21:29.560 --> 0:21:33.840
<v Speaker 2>And so is your relationship with her mother copesthetic.

0:21:33.880 --> 0:21:36.080
<v Speaker 5>Kind of it's like it's kind of non existent. Okay,

0:21:36.200 --> 0:21:39.080
<v Speaker 5>so coming and see her, well not anymore so. Uh

0:21:39.720 --> 0:21:41.919
<v Speaker 5>Now her name, my step daughter's name is Jackie jack

0:21:41.960 --> 0:21:42.399
<v Speaker 5>He's twenty.

0:21:42.280 --> 0:21:42.800
<v Speaker 3>One years old.

0:21:43.080 --> 0:21:44.479
<v Speaker 2>Wow, Okay, so she's living her life.

0:21:44.560 --> 0:21:46.400
<v Speaker 3>Yes, she's living her life. Everybody's good now.

0:21:46.840 --> 0:21:50.080
<v Speaker 5>But during that that time between like age of eleven

0:21:50.160 --> 0:21:54.320
<v Speaker 5>to age seventeen or so, it was awful most of

0:21:54.320 --> 0:21:58.440
<v Speaker 5>the time, and I didn't have much interaction with her mother,

0:21:59.040 --> 0:22:02.119
<v Speaker 5>and I was I was disappointed by that, but I

0:22:02.160 --> 0:22:04.040
<v Speaker 5>knew I couldn't force a relationship with her, like I

0:22:04.040 --> 0:22:06.560
<v Speaker 5>would love to be like Will and Jada and what

0:22:06.760 --> 0:22:10.240
<v Speaker 5>was the other. Yeah, I I would love that. That

0:22:10.359 --> 0:22:12.919
<v Speaker 5>was my goal, like, and we can do family vacations together.

0:22:13.240 --> 0:22:15.760
<v Speaker 5>Since was like n okay, hi and bye, Like I

0:22:15.800 --> 0:22:17.480
<v Speaker 5>have no interest in being your friend, and I was like,

0:22:17.520 --> 0:22:21.840
<v Speaker 5>that's okay, M I understand that. But you know, Jackie

0:22:21.880 --> 0:22:23.720
<v Speaker 5>had a lot of loyalty to her mom, and I

0:22:23.760 --> 0:22:26.680
<v Speaker 5>think it showed up and like making sure that she

0:22:27.000 --> 0:22:30.000
<v Speaker 5>didn't get too close to me m or at least

0:22:30.000 --> 0:22:31.919
<v Speaker 5>that's how I interpreted, cause she was never just like

0:22:32.480 --> 0:22:35.720
<v Speaker 5>outwardly like a dick to me. But she was definitely

0:22:35.760 --> 0:22:37.720
<v Speaker 5>just like she wouldn't speak when I was in the room.

0:22:38.480 --> 0:22:39.480
<v Speaker 2>She wouldn't speak to you.

0:22:39.480 --> 0:22:43.160
<v Speaker 3>No, at my own house, ooh girl, yes hm.

0:22:43.200 --> 0:22:47.000
<v Speaker 5>And so the the weekend visits were something that I

0:22:47.080 --> 0:22:48.800
<v Speaker 5>began to just to dread.

0:22:48.880 --> 0:22:51.080
<v Speaker 4>Dread, yeah, cause at this point, it's like another low

0:22:51.119 --> 0:22:53.240
<v Speaker 4>key grown woman in your house not speaking.

0:22:52.920 --> 0:22:55.160
<v Speaker 5>To you, shade and you every chance, did you ever

0:22:55.240 --> 0:22:56.879
<v Speaker 5>try to like have a conversation with her?

0:22:57.000 --> 0:22:57.360
<v Speaker 2>I did.

0:22:57.640 --> 0:22:59.560
<v Speaker 5>I did, and and I would talk to my husband

0:22:59.600 --> 0:23:02.800
<v Speaker 5>about it because when we moved in together, we got

0:23:02.800 --> 0:23:05.399
<v Speaker 5>a two bedroom right out the gate because I was like, Okay,

0:23:05.440 --> 0:23:07.560
<v Speaker 5>she'll be here for a spring and summer break and

0:23:07.680 --> 0:23:09.520
<v Speaker 5>she's gonna be spending weekends here, so I want her

0:23:09.560 --> 0:23:12.040
<v Speaker 5>to have her own room so she feels really at home.

0:23:12.640 --> 0:23:14.639
<v Speaker 5>And she might have stayed in that room like twice

0:23:15.080 --> 0:23:18.280
<v Speaker 5>and the and the ten year span, I was like, okay,

0:23:18.480 --> 0:23:20.760
<v Speaker 5>well we're paying extra.

0:23:20.520 --> 0:23:23.320
<v Speaker 3>Rent, have a room here for you that you want.

0:23:23.480 --> 0:23:26.679
<v Speaker 3>No parts of is because she wouldn't spend the night okay.

0:23:26.720 --> 0:23:29.080
<v Speaker 2>It was always and she couldn't be like not forced.

0:23:29.160 --> 0:23:31.399
<v Speaker 4>I mean like I'm not at eleven. At eleven, you're

0:23:31.440 --> 0:23:33.760
<v Speaker 4>not like you're staying with your dad tonight.

0:23:33.760 --> 0:23:35.240
<v Speaker 5>And I wouldn't want that, Like that would be the

0:23:35.240 --> 0:23:39.200
<v Speaker 5>most awkward night ever of I'm forced to stay here.

0:23:39.000 --> 0:23:41.119
<v Speaker 3>Like I don't want to be that person.

0:23:41.240 --> 0:23:42.639
<v Speaker 2>I feel like I would make like it is she

0:23:42.840 --> 0:23:45.399
<v Speaker 2>is she close with your daughter? Or now? Actually?

0:23:45.440 --> 0:23:46.160
<v Speaker 3>Yeah?

0:23:46.600 --> 0:23:49.520
<v Speaker 2>Has your relationship grown since then? Are you guys cool now?

0:23:49.560 --> 0:23:50.280
<v Speaker 3>Are yeah? We're cool?

0:23:50.359 --> 0:23:54.480
<v Speaker 5>Now we're closed, i'd say cool, like because we don't

0:23:54.520 --> 0:23:56.560
<v Speaker 5>text or like go back and for like that. But

0:23:56.600 --> 0:23:59.439
<v Speaker 5>when she when she comes over, we are cool and

0:23:59.520 --> 0:24:01.120
<v Speaker 5>like and I'm happy to see her when she comes.

0:24:01.240 --> 0:24:03.240
<v Speaker 5>It's not like back in the day where I was like, fuck,

0:24:03.320 --> 0:24:07.840
<v Speaker 5>it's right, and I would I believe all my friends up,

0:24:08.760 --> 0:24:09.439
<v Speaker 5>don't you have that?

0:24:09.480 --> 0:24:10.720
<v Speaker 2>Don't you want me to come over? Yeah?

0:24:11.840 --> 0:24:13.760
<v Speaker 3>I gotta go do that thing within people this week.

0:24:14.280 --> 0:24:21.080
<v Speaker 2>Right, you gotta really love someone to like taking their kids.

0:24:21.359 --> 0:24:24.160
<v Speaker 4>And it's funny to say that because I realized we're

0:24:24.160 --> 0:24:26.760
<v Speaker 4>both parents and at some point somebody is going to

0:24:26.880 --> 0:24:29.760
<v Speaker 4>have to do that for my child, and I mean,

0:24:29.840 --> 0:24:31.560
<v Speaker 4>and we may have to do that for somebody else,

0:24:31.600 --> 0:24:33.240
<v Speaker 4>like we're not spring chicken.

0:24:33.359 --> 0:24:36.480
<v Speaker 2>So but it's okay. It's easier now because they're so young.

0:24:36.520 --> 0:24:39.440
<v Speaker 2>But when you step into a relationship and the daughter's.

0:24:41.400 --> 0:24:45.639
<v Speaker 4>Especially like because like just like my friend at that point,

0:24:45.680 --> 0:24:48.240
<v Speaker 4>she had no kids, she had no experience, nothing like

0:24:48.280 --> 0:24:51.280
<v Speaker 4>at least we have kids, and even now having a kid,

0:24:51.320 --> 0:24:53.440
<v Speaker 4>if we stepped into someone's life and their kid is

0:24:53.480 --> 0:24:55.920
<v Speaker 4>ten or eleven, we haven't had experience in that age group.

0:24:57.119 --> 0:25:01.520
<v Speaker 2>So sorry, that would be difficult, you know.

0:25:01.520 --> 0:25:05.560
<v Speaker 4>Because it changes every year, the age and especially with

0:25:05.640 --> 0:25:09.480
<v Speaker 4>women with the daughter, and actually we had we had

0:25:09.480 --> 0:25:11.280
<v Speaker 4>something write in and ask us about this, like can

0:25:11.320 --> 0:25:15.040
<v Speaker 4>you guys touch on this, because basically the daughter hated

0:25:15.040 --> 0:25:15.520
<v Speaker 4>her and.

0:25:15.520 --> 0:25:17.360
<v Speaker 2>It was making her life a living hell.

0:25:17.960 --> 0:25:21.040
<v Speaker 4>And even my girlfriend, my best friend, who is dealing

0:25:21.080 --> 0:25:23.280
<v Speaker 4>with this right now, she got into it like an

0:25:23.280 --> 0:25:25.880
<v Speaker 4>all not a physical arterucation, but like a yelling thing,

0:25:26.600 --> 0:25:29.000
<v Speaker 4>and basically she ends up moving out of the house

0:25:29.000 --> 0:25:30.240
<v Speaker 4>with them.

0:25:30.400 --> 0:25:31.080
<v Speaker 2>I think a lot of.

0:25:31.000 --> 0:25:36.800
<v Speaker 4>Times it's the daughter moved her her fiance's daughter ended

0:25:36.840 --> 0:25:39.840
<v Speaker 4>up moving back in with her mom. But I think

0:25:39.920 --> 0:25:42.520
<v Speaker 4>a lot of that animosity that's like directly a lot

0:25:42.560 --> 0:25:44.800
<v Speaker 4>of times with the step mom or stepparent is because

0:25:44.840 --> 0:25:47.720
<v Speaker 4>they have issues with their actual parent, and then you

0:25:47.760 --> 0:25:49.920
<v Speaker 4>have to kind of like pick up all the shit

0:25:50.480 --> 0:25:52.680
<v Speaker 4>because you're taking it up on you because and you.

0:25:52.640 --> 0:25:54.240
<v Speaker 3>Have to just you have to just take it because

0:25:54.280 --> 0:25:54.800
<v Speaker 3>you you.

0:25:54.800 --> 0:25:56.040
<v Speaker 2>Want to let you want to marry, you want to

0:25:56.080 --> 0:25:56.560
<v Speaker 2>love this person.

0:25:56.560 --> 0:25:58.200
<v Speaker 5>You want to love this person, and you you start

0:25:58.240 --> 0:26:00.800
<v Speaker 5>to realize that, like I can't be a crazy person

0:26:00.920 --> 0:26:04.199
<v Speaker 5>arguing with a child. Like as frustrated as I would be,

0:26:04.240 --> 0:26:06.680
<v Speaker 5>sometimes I'm like, I don't even have a fully developed

0:26:06.720 --> 0:26:08.920
<v Speaker 5>brain yet. I'm not finna go back and forth with you.

0:26:09.240 --> 0:26:11.360
<v Speaker 5>But like you still have to catch yourself.

0:26:11.040 --> 0:26:14.240
<v Speaker 4>Because just like my girlfriend was like, I'm look, you

0:26:14.280 --> 0:26:17.800
<v Speaker 4>wanted to fight her, and I was like, yo, you cannot.

0:26:18.680 --> 0:26:20.840
<v Speaker 4>I can't be going back and forth with her. She's sixteen.

0:26:20.920 --> 0:26:22.560
<v Speaker 4>She's like, I told her to get the fuck out.

0:26:23.200 --> 0:26:25.679
<v Speaker 4>I was like, you're gonna damage her for life. And

0:26:25.720 --> 0:26:27.960
<v Speaker 4>she's like, I know, and I feel terrible about it,

0:26:28.000 --> 0:26:32.520
<v Speaker 4>but I'm miserable and I'm unhappy and I can't do

0:26:32.640 --> 0:26:34.480
<v Speaker 4>it in my house. And it's easy to look at

0:26:34.480 --> 0:26:37.320
<v Speaker 4>it from the outside like she's a child, she's her,

0:26:37.440 --> 0:26:38.240
<v Speaker 4>she's damaged.

0:26:38.800 --> 0:26:41.040
<v Speaker 2>Hold her. So when you're in it, yeah, like I

0:26:41.080 --> 0:26:43.280
<v Speaker 2>will kill you. Your sympathy is like, look, you have

0:26:43.440 --> 0:26:45.680
<v Speaker 2>love in a beautiful house. We take care of you.

0:26:45.760 --> 0:26:49.240
<v Speaker 4>That's what she said. What the fuck is your problem? Yeah,

0:26:49.520 --> 0:26:51.639
<v Speaker 4>you have nothing to complain about. But in her mind,

0:26:51.680 --> 0:26:54.920
<v Speaker 4>you know, you see your dad or your parent moving

0:26:55.000 --> 0:26:57.520
<v Speaker 4>with this new person, start this new life, have this

0:26:57.600 --> 0:26:58.159
<v Speaker 4>new house.

0:26:58.440 --> 0:27:02.040
<v Speaker 2>You playing babies, playing family over here. But yeo, where

0:27:02.040 --> 0:27:03.960
<v Speaker 2>were you X, Y and Z in these times?

0:27:03.960 --> 0:27:04.920
<v Speaker 3>Oh when I felt that?

0:27:05.160 --> 0:27:08.680
<v Speaker 4>You know, like that, now you know you're playing family

0:27:08.720 --> 0:27:11.160
<v Speaker 4>matters up in this bitch, you know, And I think

0:27:11.200 --> 0:27:13.600
<v Speaker 4>a lot of times like the parent, the actual parent

0:27:13.640 --> 0:27:16.400
<v Speaker 4>has to deal with that and not let it like just.

0:27:16.920 --> 0:27:18.720
<v Speaker 5>Oh, I would get on him too, like you, you

0:27:18.800 --> 0:27:21.040
<v Speaker 5>need to check some of this, Like you see her

0:27:21.080 --> 0:27:24.880
<v Speaker 5>come in here and just be completely disrespectful, like, yes.

0:27:24.720 --> 0:27:26.280
<v Speaker 3>She's not coming in here and cussing me out, but

0:27:26.320 --> 0:27:29.240
<v Speaker 3>she's not speaking, she's not even speaking, like not acknowledging me.

0:27:29.359 --> 0:27:33.040
<v Speaker 2>Did that cause rifts in the marriage relationship?

0:27:33.880 --> 0:27:34.399
<v Speaker 3>Yes and no.

0:27:34.880 --> 0:27:38.399
<v Speaker 5>So'm I'm fortunate enough where he's very receptive to that

0:27:38.480 --> 0:27:39.440
<v Speaker 5>kind of stuff.

0:27:39.200 --> 0:27:40.879
<v Speaker 3>And he's very self aware.

0:27:41.080 --> 0:27:44.119
<v Speaker 5>So even if he may not spot it as it's happening,

0:27:44.160 --> 0:27:46.119
<v Speaker 5>if you pointed out to him, he's smart enough to

0:27:46.160 --> 0:27:49.240
<v Speaker 5>be like, okay, I see that, So he would try

0:27:49.280 --> 0:27:51.639
<v Speaker 5>to you know, I guess try to be like the

0:27:51.640 --> 0:27:53.679
<v Speaker 5>middle man. And he's very like much about peace. He

0:27:53.720 --> 0:27:56.359
<v Speaker 5>doesn't like conflict. And I'm like, sometimes you got to

0:27:56.400 --> 0:27:58.760
<v Speaker 5>turn up like I get this piece that you on

0:27:59.080 --> 0:28:04.879
<v Speaker 5>today today. Yeah, so, but I'm glad I had that

0:28:05.000 --> 0:28:06.919
<v Speaker 5>energy in the house that we both couldn't be on

0:28:07.000 --> 0:28:07.879
<v Speaker 5>some today.

0:28:07.960 --> 0:28:09.680
<v Speaker 3>Is the data turn up? Right?

0:28:10.560 --> 0:28:13.880
<v Speaker 5>But yeah, I would just be hurt most of the time,

0:28:13.920 --> 0:28:15.160
<v Speaker 5>and I was like, I don't know what to do,

0:28:15.680 --> 0:28:17.800
<v Speaker 5>and talking to him and his friends, they're like, we'll

0:28:17.840 --> 0:28:19.520
<v Speaker 5>take her to get her eyebrows done, or like, take

0:28:19.560 --> 0:28:21.119
<v Speaker 5>her to get this, take her to Sephor. I was like,

0:28:21.160 --> 0:28:24.920
<v Speaker 5>so you want me to buy her? And I could

0:28:24.880 --> 0:28:27.320
<v Speaker 5>get your card, I couldn't do it. I was like,

0:28:27.520 --> 0:28:29.640
<v Speaker 5>if she don't like me, it's not gonna be because

0:28:29.800 --> 0:28:34.240
<v Speaker 5>I bought you. Yeah, because I'm fun beauty step mama

0:28:34.280 --> 0:28:35.880
<v Speaker 5>who takes you to Sephor every time you come.

0:28:35.760 --> 0:28:37.679
<v Speaker 2>Home around whatever.

0:28:38.680 --> 0:28:40.080
<v Speaker 3>And then I was just like and then I was like,

0:28:40.160 --> 0:28:42.240
<v Speaker 3>y'all are men. You don't understand what it's like if

0:28:42.600 --> 0:28:46.640
<v Speaker 3>we dropped this woman's daughter off tomorrow with perfectly arched eyebrows.

0:28:46.280 --> 0:28:48.240
<v Speaker 2>That she didn't pay for it, and she didn't approve.

0:28:48.320 --> 0:28:50.600
<v Speaker 3>It was like, y'all gonna get my ass. B're trying

0:28:50.600 --> 0:28:52.600
<v Speaker 3>to be cute.

0:28:51.800 --> 0:28:53.840
<v Speaker 2>Because you think this is a good solution. Did happen

0:28:53.920 --> 0:28:57.400
<v Speaker 2>over here? Yes? Oh your your dad's girlfriend get She

0:28:57.440 --> 0:29:00.240
<v Speaker 2>wasn't her girlfriend. It was the sisters who I don't

0:29:00.240 --> 0:29:02.120
<v Speaker 2>even call my aunts because I can't still fucking stand them.

0:29:02.680 --> 0:29:06.680
<v Speaker 2>But yeah, they're evil. They relaxed my hair. Oh shit

0:29:07.560 --> 0:29:08.840
<v Speaker 2>that it was like art project.

0:29:09.080 --> 0:29:13.440
<v Speaker 4>No, they relax your hair, your curly ass hair, and

0:29:13.480 --> 0:29:17.600
<v Speaker 4>my mom and lived crying what's cursed?

0:29:17.640 --> 0:29:19.680
<v Speaker 2>You didn't understand what the big deal was. My mom

0:29:19.720 --> 0:29:21.280
<v Speaker 2>got it wet and then I didn't curl, and she

0:29:21.360 --> 0:29:25.960
<v Speaker 2>was like, what the fuck? So yeah, I feel that. Yeah,

0:29:26.080 --> 0:29:27.440
<v Speaker 2>I was like your mom was.

0:29:28.320 --> 0:29:30.600
<v Speaker 5>You can't bring somebody's child looking different, even if it

0:29:30.600 --> 0:29:32.240
<v Speaker 5>looks good, because they were like, oh, take her to

0:29:32.240 --> 0:29:33.520
<v Speaker 5>get her hair done, like you know how the good

0:29:33.560 --> 0:29:36.200
<v Speaker 5>hair places. I was like, I don't care how amazing

0:29:36.280 --> 0:29:38.440
<v Speaker 5>she looks. If we drop her off and you say

0:29:38.560 --> 0:29:40.480
<v Speaker 5>I got it done, it's gonna be an issue. It's

0:29:40.520 --> 0:29:43.239
<v Speaker 5>gonna be an issue. And they couldn't understand. They were like, you, well,

0:29:43.280 --> 0:29:44.880
<v Speaker 5>you're just not trying to bond with her, I'm like.

0:29:45.040 --> 0:29:46.600
<v Speaker 2>No, I'm not trying to send her back looking different.

0:29:46.680 --> 0:29:48.200
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it was like I'm just I'm also not trying

0:29:48.200 --> 0:29:48.760
<v Speaker 3>to get beat.

0:29:48.680 --> 0:29:51.160
<v Speaker 2>Up, like I know my boundaries.

0:29:52.080 --> 0:29:55.960
<v Speaker 5>So yeah, when she turned about seventeen, we had a

0:29:55.960 --> 0:29:59.800
<v Speaker 5>really cool conversation, like she offered an apology.

0:29:59.360 --> 0:30:01.960
<v Speaker 2>And wow, where did that come from? Do you think?

0:30:02.440 --> 0:30:04.280
<v Speaker 3>I think it was conversations that she and her dad

0:30:04.560 --> 0:30:08.080
<v Speaker 3>my husband were having. And then it was like it's.

0:30:07.960 --> 0:30:08.920
<v Speaker 2>And I'll say, you had a baby.

0:30:08.920 --> 0:30:10.280
<v Speaker 5>But at that point, yeah, and it was like and

0:30:10.520 --> 0:30:12.320
<v Speaker 5>we're closer to the end, like you're almost eighteen now,

0:30:12.400 --> 0:30:14.520
<v Speaker 5>Like you can play this whole I'm loyal to my

0:30:14.560 --> 0:30:17.840
<v Speaker 5>mom game all you want. But it's like we've been

0:30:17.880 --> 0:30:21.320
<v Speaker 5>here offering up family to you and we can't make

0:30:21.360 --> 0:30:22.240
<v Speaker 5>you accept.

0:30:21.920 --> 0:30:23.440
<v Speaker 2>It is her mom or married.

0:30:24.680 --> 0:30:27.720
<v Speaker 3>Kind of relationship, Yeah, very long term relationship. I might

0:30:27.760 --> 0:30:28.400
<v Speaker 3>as well be married.

0:30:28.400 --> 0:30:33.160
<v Speaker 4>I wonder how her relationship is with the guy.

0:30:32.480 --> 0:30:33.680
<v Speaker 3>She refers to him as dad.

0:30:34.080 --> 0:30:34.120
<v Speaker 7>What.

0:30:35.040 --> 0:30:39.960
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, this whole thing is like super complicated, like poisoning

0:30:39.960 --> 0:30:41.560
<v Speaker 3>her brand, not poisoning.

0:30:41.600 --> 0:30:43.960
<v Speaker 4>But I mean obviously your like what you say around

0:30:44.000 --> 0:30:46.480
<v Speaker 4>your kid, and the influence is major and as.

0:30:46.280 --> 0:30:47.800
<v Speaker 2>A mom, especially with the daughter.

0:30:47.920 --> 0:30:50.440
<v Speaker 4>You know, we have the most of the control, you know,

0:30:50.520 --> 0:30:52.520
<v Speaker 4>like what we say goes most of the time mostly,

0:30:53.040 --> 0:30:54.920
<v Speaker 4>So wow, and I know that.

0:30:54.840 --> 0:30:58.160
<v Speaker 2>Has to Does your husband offended or hurt by that?

0:30:58.400 --> 0:31:00.280
<v Speaker 5>I asked him right out the game early on, because

0:31:00.280 --> 0:31:01.760
<v Speaker 5>when as soon as you heard her saying yeah, I

0:31:01.800 --> 0:31:04.240
<v Speaker 5>was like, how do you feel about this? And he's

0:31:04.280 --> 0:31:06.560
<v Speaker 5>like again, he's so peaceful and so calm. He's like,

0:31:06.880 --> 0:31:08.600
<v Speaker 5>you know, it doesn't matter what she calls me. I

0:31:08.640 --> 0:31:10.120
<v Speaker 5>know who I am in her life, and.

0:31:10.240 --> 0:31:18.320
<v Speaker 4>Like, I wish i'd be like again again, like everything

0:31:18.440 --> 0:31:22.600
<v Speaker 4>was stopped, Like.

0:31:21.120 --> 0:31:29.120
<v Speaker 2>What did you stop? Oh my god, I'm like getting angry.

0:31:29.560 --> 0:31:31.280
<v Speaker 2>You said him what?

0:31:33.280 --> 0:31:37.000
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, So because I'm like the first time I heard

0:31:37.000 --> 0:31:38.720
<v Speaker 3>her saying I was just like, oh, so this is

0:31:38.760 --> 0:31:39.240
<v Speaker 3>what we're doing.

0:31:39.920 --> 0:31:41.480
<v Speaker 2>She mom, She.

0:31:41.400 --> 0:31:44.400
<v Speaker 5>Calls him by his first name, She calls him Jammel,

0:31:44.680 --> 0:31:47.480
<v Speaker 5>and she calls uh the guy that her mom has.

0:31:47.400 --> 0:31:49.600
<v Speaker 4>Been with, Like but well wait, she calls your husband

0:31:49.960 --> 0:31:51.840
<v Speaker 4>person yes, and calls him dad.

0:31:52.120 --> 0:31:56.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. That's because y'all should have made her sleep over

0:31:56.080 --> 0:31:56.640
<v Speaker 2>in that room.

0:31:56.840 --> 0:32:02.080
<v Speaker 3>All that was happening before I even got to they.

0:32:00.960 --> 0:32:04.880
<v Speaker 2>So clearly there is some ship between yeah, her dad, yeah,

0:32:05.640 --> 0:32:09.200
<v Speaker 2>and that's why there's a lot of tension, yeah with you.

0:32:09.400 --> 0:32:11.960
<v Speaker 2>So when I came in, a lot of it it

0:32:12.000 --> 0:32:12.600
<v Speaker 2>was pre existing.

0:32:12.640 --> 0:32:14.560
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, I've got nothing to do with this, so I'm

0:32:14.600 --> 0:32:16.320
<v Speaker 5>not going to jump through hoops to try to figure that.

0:32:16.280 --> 0:32:18.400
<v Speaker 2>Okay, but it's all making sense.

0:32:18.520 --> 0:32:20.320
<v Speaker 5>And I had people around me like, well, you know,

0:32:20.480 --> 0:32:22.239
<v Speaker 5>once you marry a man with children, like that's your

0:32:22.280 --> 0:32:24.000
<v Speaker 5>child now too, and you have to do X, Y Z,

0:32:24.120 --> 0:32:26.000
<v Speaker 5>And I'm like, but if you knew the full situation,

0:32:26.080 --> 0:32:27.960
<v Speaker 5>you would know that none of this shit is applable,

0:32:28.040 --> 0:32:30.760
<v Speaker 5>like it don't apply here. And I feel like we

0:32:30.840 --> 0:32:32.840
<v Speaker 5>do that with everything in life. We feel like, oh, well,

0:32:32.920 --> 0:32:34.800
<v Speaker 5>if you're in this situation, this is how it has

0:32:34.800 --> 0:32:36.800
<v Speaker 5>to play out, and no one's paying attention to like

0:32:36.960 --> 0:32:39.920
<v Speaker 5>the details and the bad story, like the solution you

0:32:40.000 --> 0:32:43.480
<v Speaker 5>offered me might just make everything worse. And you sen

0:32:43.560 --> 0:32:46.320
<v Speaker 5>up here judging me for not taking your solution when

0:32:46.360 --> 0:32:48.640
<v Speaker 5>you haven't looked at everything so well.

0:32:48.520 --> 0:32:50.440
<v Speaker 2>I think is a lot of times, as women and

0:32:50.560 --> 0:32:53.960
<v Speaker 2>you know men too, we look at situations and we judge.

0:32:53.960 --> 0:32:55.760
<v Speaker 2>I think I don't know if the people that were

0:32:55.760 --> 0:32:58.360
<v Speaker 2>offering you advice had children or not, or they did

0:32:58.400 --> 0:33:00.960
<v Speaker 2>maybe but they've probably never been in this type of situation.

0:33:02.000 --> 0:33:02.160
<v Speaker 4>You know.

0:33:02.240 --> 0:33:05.160
<v Speaker 2>It's I mean I think about I mean, I had

0:33:05.200 --> 0:33:08.080
<v Speaker 2>a stepfather too. I have a stepfather, and he entered

0:33:08.120 --> 0:33:12.520
<v Speaker 2>into my life around age seven, okay, and my mom

0:33:12.520 --> 0:33:15.280
<v Speaker 2>and dated other guys and had boyfriends and stuff, and

0:33:16.280 --> 0:33:19.040
<v Speaker 2>early on I established early on, I think I always

0:33:19.120 --> 0:33:21.280
<v Speaker 2>liked him, and then there was that crucial moment where

0:33:21.320 --> 0:33:23.640
<v Speaker 2>like I needed to be corrected and he tried to

0:33:23.680 --> 0:33:28.400
<v Speaker 2>correct me, and I was like, you ain't my daddy, nigga, yeah,

0:33:28.440 --> 0:33:30.800
<v Speaker 2>And he took that so personally because he is very

0:33:30.880 --> 0:33:36.400
<v Speaker 2>much it's very sensitive pisces and wants to keep the peace.

0:33:36.960 --> 0:33:41.480
<v Speaker 2>There's one overstep boundaries. But I think sometimes that can

0:33:41.560 --> 0:33:45.800
<v Speaker 2>be good. But then also that can also be passive

0:33:45.880 --> 0:33:49.520
<v Speaker 2>in a way, and children don't understand passiveness. There's it's

0:33:49.520 --> 0:33:52.920
<v Speaker 2>either you want to be my daddy or like a

0:33:53.080 --> 0:33:55.320
<v Speaker 2>father figure to me, or you're not. And for him,

0:33:55.360 --> 0:33:56.840
<v Speaker 2>like that was all it took for him to be like,

0:33:56.840 --> 0:34:00.480
<v Speaker 2>I'm bowing out. I'll just be your mom's boyfriend now

0:34:00.600 --> 0:34:03.720
<v Speaker 2>has been is not married, but whatever, they've been together

0:34:03.800 --> 0:34:08.000
<v Speaker 2>over twenty years and I'm not going to cross that

0:34:08.040 --> 0:34:11.200
<v Speaker 2>boundary again. Whereas I wish she would have not listened

0:34:11.239 --> 0:34:13.560
<v Speaker 2>to that and still tried, you know, because I didn't

0:34:13.600 --> 0:34:15.399
<v Speaker 2>have a father. My dad was around, but he wasn't

0:34:15.400 --> 0:34:18.000
<v Speaker 2>really around at that point at that time in my life.

0:34:18.080 --> 0:34:21.160
<v Speaker 2>And I wish because those kids like, we don't we

0:34:21.160 --> 0:34:23.400
<v Speaker 2>don't really know what's good for us. Yeah, you know,

0:34:23.480 --> 0:34:27.879
<v Speaker 2>we just say shit because we're angry. We're angry. Yeah.

0:34:27.920 --> 0:34:30.480
<v Speaker 5>And that was something that I struggled with because I

0:34:30.480 --> 0:34:32.279
<v Speaker 5>felt like, Okay, maybe I should be more hands on

0:34:32.320 --> 0:34:34.560
<v Speaker 5>whether it feels like it's wants or not. But I

0:34:34.600 --> 0:34:37.000
<v Speaker 5>was like, she has an active mother in her life

0:34:37.000 --> 0:34:38.480
<v Speaker 5>that she lives with. She has a man in her

0:34:38.520 --> 0:34:40.000
<v Speaker 5>house that is serving as a father.

0:34:40.040 --> 0:34:41.399
<v Speaker 2>That's a different situation. Yeah.

0:34:41.440 --> 0:34:43.759
<v Speaker 5>And like at the time they were living with the grandparents,

0:34:43.800 --> 0:34:45.239
<v Speaker 5>I was like, so she got a whole lot of

0:34:45.239 --> 0:34:45.960
<v Speaker 5>parents around the.

0:34:45.960 --> 0:34:47.520
<v Speaker 2>Whole maybe too many, yeah, And.

0:34:47.480 --> 0:34:48.520
<v Speaker 3>I felt like it was too many.

0:34:48.520 --> 0:34:50.280
<v Speaker 5>So I have people like, no, you're supposed to step

0:34:50.280 --> 0:34:52.319
<v Speaker 5>in and be you know, a bonus mom or whatever,

0:34:52.400 --> 0:34:52.800
<v Speaker 5>and I'm.

0:34:52.680 --> 0:34:56.120
<v Speaker 3>Just like, sis got like five parents already, Like no.

0:34:56.120 --> 0:34:58.680
<v Speaker 4>I can see myself like saying one thing right now

0:34:58.719 --> 0:35:01.560
<v Speaker 4>and then being in the situation in me like fuck it,

0:35:01.719 --> 0:35:02.160
<v Speaker 4>don't care.

0:35:03.320 --> 0:35:04.960
<v Speaker 2>I know me, Like I don't care.

0:35:05.080 --> 0:35:07.239
<v Speaker 4>I could see myself like me from the outside looking

0:35:07.239 --> 0:35:07.719
<v Speaker 4>at right now.

0:35:07.600 --> 0:35:09.239
<v Speaker 2>It's like you should try. You need to get in there,

0:35:09.320 --> 0:35:11.400
<v Speaker 2>you need to start the relationship. Like me.

0:35:11.640 --> 0:35:14.959
<v Speaker 4>Like imagining myself in that situation, I would be like, yeah,

0:35:15.040 --> 0:35:17.280
<v Speaker 4>let's go to the mall. I'm gonna be cool, so then.

0:35:17.160 --> 0:35:17.600
<v Speaker 2>You'll like me.

0:35:18.080 --> 0:35:19.880
<v Speaker 4>But then, like if I was actually in that situation,

0:35:19.960 --> 0:35:22.920
<v Speaker 4>with the way my attitude is set up, I could.

0:35:22.719 --> 0:35:27.480
<v Speaker 3>Be like, bye, yeah, I'm going to the by myself.

0:35:28.040 --> 0:35:31.920
<v Speaker 5>You need daddy obviously. Yeah, I definitely have some babout

0:35:31.920 --> 0:35:33.560
<v Speaker 5>moments or I'll just be like.

0:35:34.320 --> 0:35:36.200
<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna let you guys deal with that.

0:35:36.360 --> 0:35:37.520
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, oh my.

0:35:37.480 --> 0:35:39.200
<v Speaker 2>God, we have trouble in our future.

0:35:40.440 --> 0:35:42.600
<v Speaker 3>No, it's all of it is manageable.

0:35:42.680 --> 0:35:45.239
<v Speaker 2>Like that means we gotta find men soon. I think.

0:35:45.480 --> 0:35:47.759
<v Speaker 2>I think. I think what's different in our situation is

0:35:47.760 --> 0:35:52.279
<v Speaker 2>that our kids' fathers are active in their life. I'm

0:35:52.280 --> 0:35:56.000
<v Speaker 2>not saying he wasn't yet, Like I calls her dad daddy,

0:35:56.200 --> 0:35:58.120
<v Speaker 2>and it's a daddy's girl in a lot of ways.

0:35:58.520 --> 0:36:00.480
<v Speaker 2>You know, anything can happen that can shift at any point.

0:36:00.840 --> 0:36:03.080
<v Speaker 2>I prayed, I pray that never does, because the whole

0:36:03.080 --> 0:36:05.759
<v Speaker 2>reason I never wanted kids was because my daddy was

0:36:05.760 --> 0:36:08.040
<v Speaker 2>not around, and I felt like, if I have a child,

0:36:08.120 --> 0:36:10.480
<v Speaker 2>I want to know that both parents are going to

0:36:10.520 --> 0:36:13.520
<v Speaker 2>make an effort to be parents, because I didn't have that.

0:36:14.760 --> 0:36:18.040
<v Speaker 2>But I do. Even though our relationship, even though it's different,

0:36:18.120 --> 0:36:19.960
<v Speaker 2>it's different than I would have imagined in my head.

0:36:19.960 --> 0:36:21.920
<v Speaker 2>I would have imagined that I'm married, that we're living

0:36:21.960 --> 0:36:25.520
<v Speaker 2>in the same household. But at least I can say, like, actually,

0:36:25.600 --> 0:36:28.360
<v Speaker 2>it's funny because we when we interviewed someone else recently

0:36:28.360 --> 0:36:30.120
<v Speaker 2>and I said, well, you're a single parent and she's like, well,

0:36:30.160 --> 0:36:32.239
<v Speaker 2>I'm not a single parent because her dad is still

0:36:32.280 --> 0:36:34.600
<v Speaker 2>active in her life. And I said, I've heard.

0:36:34.400 --> 0:36:36.480
<v Speaker 4>People say, like, we're not allowed to use that term

0:36:36.520 --> 0:36:40.400
<v Speaker 4>single parent because single parent is reserved for people who's

0:36:40.520 --> 0:36:43.520
<v Speaker 4>the other parent is completely absent, not present.

0:36:44.200 --> 0:36:46.680
<v Speaker 2>But I'm like, I'm single and I'm a parent. Yeah,

0:36:47.200 --> 0:36:49.640
<v Speaker 2>so yeah, I'm a single parent. I disagree with that. Yeah,

0:36:49.760 --> 0:36:51.759
<v Speaker 2>and then like I'm a co parent parent, Like what

0:36:51.800 --> 0:36:52.360
<v Speaker 2>the fuck is that?

0:36:52.400 --> 0:36:59.160
<v Speaker 4>I'm a single cold parenting parent, but yeah, that's so interesting.

0:36:59.520 --> 0:37:02.959
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, okay, so now you have a five year old

0:37:03.719 --> 0:37:06.840
<v Speaker 2>and so through gate. So did you get birth at

0:37:06.840 --> 0:37:07.600
<v Speaker 2>home because.

0:37:07.360 --> 0:37:09.320
<v Speaker 3>You had even that change.

0:37:09.400 --> 0:37:12.920
<v Speaker 5>So I was I was supposed to deliver at Graceful

0:37:12.920 --> 0:37:15.359
<v Speaker 5>at the birthing center, and then when I was at

0:37:15.520 --> 0:37:18.359
<v Speaker 5>thirty eight weeks, they saw that I was measuring much

0:37:18.400 --> 0:37:20.600
<v Speaker 5>smaller than where I should have been. So they were like, Okay,

0:37:20.640 --> 0:37:23.080
<v Speaker 5>we think you should go get a sonogram. Like something's up.

0:37:23.120 --> 0:37:25.959
<v Speaker 5>She's not the size she's supposed to be. Fast forward,

0:37:26.000 --> 0:37:27.440
<v Speaker 5>I find out I have to be induced. They're like,

0:37:27.480 --> 0:37:29.640
<v Speaker 5>she's not growing. She's not growing at thirty.

0:37:29.400 --> 0:37:31.200
<v Speaker 2>Four weeks as soon as you went to the hospital.

0:37:31.320 --> 0:37:33.239
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, because generally, I just want to be clear because

0:37:33.280 --> 0:37:37.880
<v Speaker 4>I'm if nobody knows, I'm obsessed with birth and I'm obsessed.

0:37:37.280 --> 0:37:39.040
<v Speaker 2>With home birth, and I wanted to have home birth

0:37:39.160 --> 0:37:39.680
<v Speaker 2>really bad.

0:37:40.280 --> 0:37:44.120
<v Speaker 4>But I'm pretty sure you at no point, you don't

0:37:44.120 --> 0:37:46.480
<v Speaker 4>have to go get a sonogram if you proceed with

0:37:46.600 --> 0:37:49.000
<v Speaker 4>no my midwife told her to go get it up.

0:37:49.080 --> 0:37:49.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

0:37:49.480 --> 0:37:52.120
<v Speaker 4>Had she not said that, you usually go the whole

0:37:52.160 --> 0:37:54.680
<v Speaker 4>pregnancy just with the midwife, you'd never go to a sonogram.

0:37:54.760 --> 0:37:54.960
<v Speaker 6>Yeah.

0:37:55.040 --> 0:37:56.799
<v Speaker 3>This is and this is what I loved about, Like

0:37:56.960 --> 0:38:00.040
<v Speaker 3>how how wise they are. Yeah, they no point, and

0:38:00.120 --> 0:38:02.200
<v Speaker 3>you're just like, don't worry, we can handle it. She's like, ooh,

0:38:02.280 --> 0:38:03.000
<v Speaker 3>I don't know about this.

0:38:03.080 --> 0:38:03.919
<v Speaker 2>You need to go see someone.

0:38:03.960 --> 0:38:04.800
<v Speaker 3>You can go see someone.

0:38:05.280 --> 0:38:09.480
<v Speaker 5>And when that confirmed what the midwife saw in the

0:38:09.520 --> 0:38:11.520
<v Speaker 5>birth and center, because they're just using like old school

0:38:11.560 --> 0:38:14.480
<v Speaker 5>measuring tape yea, and from that they were able to

0:38:14.480 --> 0:38:15.879
<v Speaker 5>tell something was up. So I was just like, okay,

0:38:15.880 --> 0:38:19.040
<v Speaker 5>now I really trust her. And they were just like, yeah,

0:38:19.080 --> 0:38:20.960
<v Speaker 5>she stopped growing at thirty four weeks, like we do

0:38:21.040 --> 0:38:21.560
<v Speaker 5>not know why.

0:38:21.640 --> 0:38:24.680
<v Speaker 2>So did that play into your all your fears? Oh yes?

0:38:24.760 --> 0:38:25.480
<v Speaker 2>And I was.

0:38:25.400 --> 0:38:27.680
<v Speaker 5>Like, see, I told y'all. I told y'all like in

0:38:27.719 --> 0:38:29.520
<v Speaker 5>my head, I was like I knew it. And they

0:38:29.520 --> 0:38:31.439
<v Speaker 5>were just like, no, she's just small. We don't know why,

0:38:31.480 --> 0:38:33.399
<v Speaker 5>so we just need to get her out and find

0:38:33.400 --> 0:38:36.000
<v Speaker 5>out why. So I had to be induced and pots

0:38:36.480 --> 0:38:41.359
<v Speaker 5>oh yeah, the whole line, the balloon to like to

0:38:41.400 --> 0:38:44.160
<v Speaker 5>dilate all of it, all of it. But even that,

0:38:44.239 --> 0:38:45.440
<v Speaker 5>like none of it was terrible.

0:38:45.719 --> 0:38:46.359
<v Speaker 3>It was just time.

0:38:46.680 --> 0:38:49.360
<v Speaker 2>It's just and it's different from your how you imagine.

0:38:49.400 --> 0:38:51.200
<v Speaker 2>Oh yes, so it's disappointing.

0:38:52.000 --> 0:38:54.719
<v Speaker 4>Not okay, No, I mean I'm against the medical the

0:38:54.760 --> 0:38:55.760
<v Speaker 4>medical system period.

0:38:55.800 --> 0:38:59.200
<v Speaker 2>But I mean like it got done. I was healthy,

0:38:59.239 --> 0:39:01.600
<v Speaker 2>It was fine. Yeah, it was it the best shit ever.

0:39:01.840 --> 0:39:05.200
<v Speaker 4>Like how I experiencing like orgasming and a in.

0:39:05.120 --> 0:39:08.000
<v Speaker 2>My living room net right, orgasm It's called orgasmic birth.

0:39:08.160 --> 0:39:08.920
<v Speaker 3>Orgasmic birth.

0:39:09.200 --> 0:39:12.879
<v Speaker 2>Okay, yeah, that's what you were hoping for. Yeah.

0:39:12.960 --> 0:39:15.040
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, but once they put a balloon up there, you.

0:39:15.239 --> 0:39:18.959
<v Speaker 4>Once they put any medical interruption in, you're fucked. Yeah,

0:39:19.040 --> 0:39:19.960
<v Speaker 4>it it starts hurting.

0:39:20.760 --> 0:39:24.160
<v Speaker 3>So delivered, everything was easy. And when she came.

0:39:24.000 --> 0:39:26.040
<v Speaker 5>Out there like, okay, so she's just little, there's nothing wrong,

0:39:26.360 --> 0:39:27.480
<v Speaker 5>really little lass maybe.

0:39:27.560 --> 0:39:29.160
<v Speaker 2>So how many pounds was she? U?

0:39:29.400 --> 0:39:30.720
<v Speaker 3>Five pounds seven ounces?

0:39:31.200 --> 0:39:34.839
<v Speaker 5>So you you gave birth vasal I did, yeah, and

0:39:34.920 --> 0:39:37.160
<v Speaker 5>all that was great, But I had so graceful came

0:39:37.200 --> 0:39:39.319
<v Speaker 5>with me to Cedar Sinai, so I still had my

0:39:39.360 --> 0:39:43.440
<v Speaker 5>midwives there. I was getting acupuncture and like you know,

0:39:43.520 --> 0:39:47.040
<v Speaker 5>breathing exercises in the in the delivery room at the hospital.

0:39:47.040 --> 0:39:48.720
<v Speaker 5>So it was nice to have a little bit of both,

0:39:49.280 --> 0:39:51.440
<v Speaker 5>even though it was completely unplanned. Like they're like, we're

0:39:51.440 --> 0:39:53.200
<v Speaker 5>gonna try to make it as much of a birthing

0:39:53.200 --> 0:39:56.799
<v Speaker 5>center experience as we can. But and they have a

0:39:56.840 --> 0:40:00.160
<v Speaker 5>good relationship with Cedar Sinai. So it wasn't like, you know,

0:40:00.200 --> 0:40:02.080
<v Speaker 5>the doctors and nurses weren't just like, Okay, who's this

0:40:02.120 --> 0:40:05.440
<v Speaker 5>crazy ass woman over here with the acupuncture needs? Okay,

0:40:05.520 --> 0:40:07.560
<v Speaker 5>like you know, give us your updates. Yeah, they were

0:40:07.640 --> 0:40:09.560
<v Speaker 5>very welcoming and it was just a big old team

0:40:09.560 --> 0:40:10.439
<v Speaker 5>in there I give.

0:40:10.360 --> 0:40:12.719
<v Speaker 2>Birth and suitors too, and they are very cool.

0:40:12.880 --> 0:40:13.120
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:40:13.480 --> 0:40:16.239
<v Speaker 2>I had about forty people in the room, not when

0:40:16.239 --> 0:40:18.120
<v Speaker 2>I gave birth, but they were like, you can have

0:40:18.160 --> 0:40:20.160
<v Speaker 2>as many people as many people can fit in this room,

0:40:20.239 --> 0:40:24.960
<v Speaker 2>can come up here. I literally had there's a photo

0:40:25.000 --> 0:40:27.640
<v Speaker 2>I should post it on on our page, but there's

0:40:27.640 --> 0:40:30.640
<v Speaker 2>a photo of literally forty people in the room and

0:40:30.680 --> 0:40:33.799
<v Speaker 2>me just like drugged and we're watching I think I've

0:40:33.800 --> 0:40:38.200
<v Speaker 2>said this before, and we're watching christ Jenner's first interview

0:40:38.320 --> 0:40:41.080
<v Speaker 2>at Caitlin and Freddy was like, why do we have

0:40:41.120 --> 0:40:49.560
<v Speaker 2>to watch this? Oh so beautiful. I just got to

0:40:49.600 --> 0:40:57.239
<v Speaker 2>hear them so she's amazing. Yeah by you? Okay, yes

0:40:57.320 --> 0:41:01.480
<v Speaker 2>if what okay, please people be right back. I need

0:41:01.480 --> 0:41:18.520
<v Speaker 2>to Okay, we're back, Sorry about that.

0:41:21.080 --> 0:41:24.280
<v Speaker 3>Where uh delivery and delivery?

0:41:24.480 --> 0:41:29.040
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, so yeah, birth was easy, I mean as easy

0:41:29.040 --> 0:41:29.799
<v Speaker 5>as birth can be.

0:41:30.480 --> 0:41:32.000
<v Speaker 3>But it was.

0:41:32.120 --> 0:41:34.200
<v Speaker 5>It was just good having the graceful team there with

0:41:34.239 --> 0:41:36.360
<v Speaker 5>me because I felt like once they said oh you

0:41:36.360 --> 0:41:37.520
<v Speaker 5>have to be a du so, I was like, okay,

0:41:37.520 --> 0:41:39.920
<v Speaker 5>so all of my plans are now out the window.

0:41:40.920 --> 0:41:44.319
<v Speaker 2>Literally every all of my friends have the same exact well,

0:41:44.480 --> 0:41:46.920
<v Speaker 2>very few of my friends have had like perfect birth. Alana,

0:41:47.480 --> 0:41:50.680
<v Speaker 2>like I had a c section unplanned. She was gonna

0:41:50.840 --> 0:41:54.440
<v Speaker 2>be to have her home birth. Alana's had perfect births.

0:41:54.800 --> 0:41:57.879
<v Speaker 2>Nisha was she was have a perfect home birth too.

0:41:57.920 --> 0:42:01.480
<v Speaker 4>She didn't have had a good one then went as planned.

0:42:02.120 --> 0:42:04.279
<v Speaker 2>Most of them don't go as planned. Yeah, so if

0:42:04.280 --> 0:42:06.399
<v Speaker 2>you're planning to have a baby, just don't get married

0:42:06.400 --> 0:42:08.839
<v Speaker 2>to your birth plan, please. I try to tell people that,

0:42:09.400 --> 0:42:09.719
<v Speaker 2>you know what.

0:42:09.760 --> 0:42:11.960
<v Speaker 4>That was my when and I told people my birth

0:42:11.960 --> 0:42:13.200
<v Speaker 4>plan and they said, don't get married to it.

0:42:13.239 --> 0:42:14.880
<v Speaker 2>I wanted to kill them too. I want to. I

0:42:14.920 --> 0:42:17.200
<v Speaker 2>want to just tak my teeth into their side ship

0:42:17.880 --> 0:42:20.080
<v Speaker 2>to hate people going against my optimism. Me too, I

0:42:20.080 --> 0:42:22.040
<v Speaker 2>would say that you don't give me your negative mess.

0:42:22.600 --> 0:42:24.160
<v Speaker 2>But they were right though, and that's why I would

0:42:24.160 --> 0:42:25.799
<v Speaker 2>try to tell to my girl, I know you have

0:42:25.840 --> 0:42:27.160
<v Speaker 2>a plan, but don't get married to this.

0:42:27.360 --> 0:42:29.440
<v Speaker 4>I know, but don't tell women who are pregnant that

0:42:30.360 --> 0:42:33.840
<v Speaker 4>why because because you'll learn it happens, it learns.

0:42:34.120 --> 0:42:36.759
<v Speaker 3>I tell them before they're pregnant. Yeah, and that like

0:42:36.840 --> 0:42:40.000
<v Speaker 3>the hormonal doesn't happen.

0:42:40.040 --> 0:42:43.520
<v Speaker 2>I think if you're already a mom and you're already

0:42:43.560 --> 0:42:46.600
<v Speaker 2>had this happened to you, Like, well.

0:42:46.480 --> 0:42:48.600
<v Speaker 4>I think it's the first crack I think I could

0:42:48.640 --> 0:42:50.360
<v Speaker 4>in the first crash course into momhood.

0:42:50.400 --> 0:42:52.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, bitch, nothing goes like you planned.

0:42:52.920 --> 0:42:54.440
<v Speaker 3>That's why you needed to have down.

0:42:55.320 --> 0:42:58.879
<v Speaker 2>Just fucked up, get used to it. That's what it is,

0:42:58.920 --> 0:43:01.719
<v Speaker 2>like ha ha jataha. I thought it would. You don't

0:43:01.760 --> 0:43:03.160
<v Speaker 2>have a plan anymore, I guess, you know. And also

0:43:03.200 --> 0:43:05.399
<v Speaker 2>when you're pregnant, everyone has a fucking opinion. So yeah,

0:43:05.440 --> 0:43:06.720
<v Speaker 2>so you don't want your dead min's opinions.

0:43:06.760 --> 0:43:10.919
<v Speaker 4>Some my my baby's daddy's cousin was like, awesome, don't

0:43:10.920 --> 0:43:14.000
<v Speaker 4>be naming her no like African shit either, Like, don't

0:43:14.040 --> 0:43:16.719
<v Speaker 4>get real, you know. I was like, bitch, you're about

0:43:16.760 --> 0:43:19.120
<v Speaker 4>to name her the africanness name I can find.

0:43:23.680 --> 0:43:29.879
<v Speaker 2>You're gonna pull up Rachel. Yeah, so long her new name.

0:43:30.000 --> 0:43:33.319
<v Speaker 2>Loves the long Nigerian name. Yeah, but back so I

0:43:33.320 --> 0:43:35.960
<v Speaker 2>want to get back to the shame thing. So how

0:43:36.080 --> 0:43:37.279
<v Speaker 2>what were you gonna Sayause I.

0:43:37.239 --> 0:43:38.560
<v Speaker 4>Was gonna say the same thing, but there was one

0:43:38.600 --> 0:43:42.000
<v Speaker 4>thing I wanted to say about the shame thing. I

0:43:42.000 --> 0:43:46.239
<v Speaker 4>don't think a lot of women realize that when you

0:43:46.440 --> 0:43:50.320
<v Speaker 4>are when you become pregnant, there are all these things.

0:43:50.360 --> 0:43:52.640
<v Speaker 4>I don't know if it's something that's like being pregnant,

0:43:52.719 --> 0:43:54.919
<v Speaker 4>I don't know if it's just like obviously.

0:43:54.600 --> 0:43:56.520
<v Speaker 2>There's a huge shift happening. You're building a person in

0:43:56.560 --> 0:43:57.000
<v Speaker 2>your body.

0:43:57.239 --> 0:44:00.800
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, so I think there is this thing that happens

0:44:00.800 --> 0:44:04.000
<v Speaker 4>because I've also read and heard about once you get

0:44:04.040 --> 0:44:06.200
<v Speaker 4>pregnant and when you're in even in the process of

0:44:06.239 --> 0:44:10.080
<v Speaker 4>giving birth, a lot of trauma comes up. If you've

0:44:10.120 --> 0:44:15.719
<v Speaker 4>experienced any sexual trauma, any sexual violations. A lot of times,

0:44:16.040 --> 0:44:20.640
<v Speaker 4>if you haven't resolved or or like worked past those things,

0:44:21.080 --> 0:44:24.440
<v Speaker 4>sometimes it will slow down your birth process because you

0:44:24.480 --> 0:44:28.000
<v Speaker 4>have you hold shame in your body and you're holding

0:44:28.040 --> 0:44:32.800
<v Speaker 4>on to this this traumatic experience. Like your womb holds

0:44:32.920 --> 0:44:36.200
<v Speaker 4>a lot of energy and it's your root chakra. And

0:44:36.239 --> 0:44:38.600
<v Speaker 4>if you're even if you don't want to like be

0:44:38.719 --> 0:44:44.440
<v Speaker 4>all hippie and shit, you should because because it's true,

0:44:44.480 --> 0:44:48.440
<v Speaker 4>there's like these these metaphysical you know, correlations and your

0:44:48.480 --> 0:44:50.240
<v Speaker 4>physical and your spiritual body.

0:44:50.520 --> 0:44:52.960
<v Speaker 2>And I don't think I really realized it until.

0:44:52.719 --> 0:44:54.799
<v Speaker 4>I got I've always been kind of obsessed with about

0:44:54.840 --> 0:44:57.160
<v Speaker 4>birth because my best friend SHAWNI gave birth all at

0:44:57.200 --> 0:45:01.680
<v Speaker 4>home too, twins, and and I've always had this weird

0:45:01.680 --> 0:45:03.800
<v Speaker 4>connection with birth. But as I started to read in research,

0:45:03.880 --> 0:45:06.680
<v Speaker 4>I realize, like there's so much healing that has to

0:45:06.719 --> 0:45:09.719
<v Speaker 4>be done and so much self reflecting because it will

0:45:09.760 --> 0:45:12.480
<v Speaker 4>come up and not just like trauma, but like your

0:45:12.520 --> 0:45:15.000
<v Speaker 4>relationship with your mom, like all these things, and if

0:45:15.040 --> 0:45:20.160
<v Speaker 4>you don't address them, sometimes during birth, your vagina will

0:45:20.160 --> 0:45:23.200
<v Speaker 4>close back up, like you could start dilating, and then

0:45:23.840 --> 0:45:26.800
<v Speaker 4>the fear will can overcome you and you will literally

0:45:27.480 --> 0:45:31.839
<v Speaker 4>regress in your like dilation. So there's just all these

0:45:31.840 --> 0:45:35.640
<v Speaker 4>things to consider that you don't even think about and

0:45:35.680 --> 0:45:38.520
<v Speaker 4>you don't even realize, Like you didn't realize and even

0:45:38.520 --> 0:45:40.200
<v Speaker 4>when you said that to us on the phone talking

0:45:40.239 --> 0:45:44.080
<v Speaker 4>about this topic about the shame because I'm a pretty

0:45:44.080 --> 0:45:47.919
<v Speaker 4>liberated woman and I'm pretty open about who I am

0:45:48.120 --> 0:45:52.000
<v Speaker 4>and my sexual freedoms and how I like just in general,

0:45:52.840 --> 0:45:54.399
<v Speaker 4>I don't think I hold a lot of.

0:45:54.320 --> 0:45:54.960
<v Speaker 2>Shame in it.

0:45:55.280 --> 0:45:56.319
<v Speaker 3>I didn't think I did either.

0:45:56.400 --> 0:46:00.280
<v Speaker 2>You don't think that you do. However, we live in.

0:46:00.120 --> 0:46:04.760
<v Speaker 4>A society that doesn't accept like a sexually liberated woman,

0:46:05.400 --> 0:46:09.520
<v Speaker 4>and it is there is guilt a result, like around

0:46:10.160 --> 0:46:13.400
<v Speaker 4>all sex. You know, there's so much guilt about just

0:46:13.440 --> 0:46:17.880
<v Speaker 4>being sexually active and having just you know, unattached sex

0:46:18.440 --> 0:46:21.840
<v Speaker 4>that like that men don't experience, and if you don't

0:46:22.000 --> 0:46:24.759
<v Speaker 4>really really get in tune with it, and even like

0:46:24.800 --> 0:46:26.719
<v Speaker 4>even now, I probably deal with it even in your

0:46:26.760 --> 0:46:29.000
<v Speaker 4>amongst your friends circles and your social groups, and people

0:46:29.000 --> 0:46:31.840
<v Speaker 4>that are supposed to support you and love you judge

0:46:31.840 --> 0:46:35.600
<v Speaker 4>you because they're because they're also only a product of

0:46:35.640 --> 0:46:38.920
<v Speaker 4>their social environment and they don't know better. And sometimes

0:46:38.920 --> 0:46:41.600
<v Speaker 4>if you, you know, like if you're not really rooted

0:46:41.680 --> 0:46:44.040
<v Speaker 4>in who the fuck you are and the decisions you've

0:46:44.040 --> 0:46:46.200
<v Speaker 4>made and that the past is the past, and you know,

0:46:46.440 --> 0:46:49.920
<v Speaker 4>just that shit happens, all these things can play into

0:46:50.160 --> 0:46:51.719
<v Speaker 4>you know, who you are as a person and who

0:46:51.719 --> 0:46:54.719
<v Speaker 4>you are as a parent, and even into your pregnancy. Yeah, so,

0:46:54.800 --> 0:46:56.720
<v Speaker 4>like I think that was like a really good topic,

0:46:56.880 --> 0:46:59.560
<v Speaker 4>the shame of being a woman I am.

0:46:59.680 --> 0:47:03.000
<v Speaker 5>I I sawt therapy during my pregnancy it wasn't the

0:47:03.040 --> 0:47:05.400
<v Speaker 5>first time, but it was very specific of I was like,

0:47:05.520 --> 0:47:07.520
<v Speaker 5>I don't want this to come up in the delivery room.

0:47:07.600 --> 0:47:10.560
<v Speaker 5>I don't want this to be a place where I

0:47:10.640 --> 0:47:13.279
<v Speaker 5>parent from of shame and her of like you know,

0:47:13.719 --> 0:47:14.480
<v Speaker 5>don't you wear that?

0:47:14.600 --> 0:47:14.960
<v Speaker 2>And you know.

0:47:14.920 --> 0:47:16.760
<v Speaker 3>When you're in the presence.

0:47:16.400 --> 0:47:19.160
<v Speaker 5>Of men, you better cover up and like all this old,

0:47:19.280 --> 0:47:22.680
<v Speaker 5>old shit that I didn't subscribe to as myself, but

0:47:22.719 --> 0:47:25.080
<v Speaker 5>I knew it was in there, like in my head somewhere.

0:47:25.200 --> 0:47:27.480
<v Speaker 5>So I was like, let's I know, it's not a

0:47:27.560 --> 0:47:30.120
<v Speaker 5>terrible amount of time, like pregnancy is only for so long.

0:47:30.160 --> 0:47:31.360
<v Speaker 5>I was like, but let's try to work through as

0:47:31.400 --> 0:47:34.120
<v Speaker 5>much as this shit right now before she gets here.

0:47:35.000 --> 0:47:38.920
<v Speaker 5>So that was between like my you know, kind of

0:47:38.960 --> 0:47:41.239
<v Speaker 5>random emails to Elizabeth or her team all the time

0:47:41.239 --> 0:47:43.520
<v Speaker 5>like okay, I'm I'm feeling this, Like how do I

0:47:43.600 --> 0:47:45.799
<v Speaker 5>talk to him about not wanting his daughter there? Or

0:47:45.840 --> 0:47:48.520
<v Speaker 5>how do I tell this person this about the pregnancy.

0:47:49.160 --> 0:47:51.640
<v Speaker 5>I had a whole team. I had Elizabeth, I had

0:47:51.680 --> 0:47:55.040
<v Speaker 5>my therapist, had my husband, like he was as understanding

0:47:55.080 --> 0:47:56.960
<v Speaker 5>as he could be, and he had like two other

0:47:57.040 --> 0:47:59.319
<v Speaker 5>friends that were also therapists. He's like, listen, it's not

0:47:59.360 --> 0:48:02.000
<v Speaker 5>gonna be super legit because these are just friends of mine,

0:48:02.040 --> 0:48:04.000
<v Speaker 5>You're not their actual patient. He's like, but if you

0:48:04.040 --> 0:48:06.120
<v Speaker 5>need more help, we will get you more help.

0:48:06.280 --> 0:48:08.799
<v Speaker 2>So did you talk to your husband about like, because

0:48:08.840 --> 0:48:11.600
<v Speaker 2>I know your shame came from a few different sources,

0:48:12.600 --> 0:48:14.759
<v Speaker 2>did you talk to him about because I know when

0:48:14.800 --> 0:48:17.200
<v Speaker 2>we spoke, you sped specifically that one of the things

0:48:17.320 --> 0:48:21.440
<v Speaker 2>was like the sexual your sexual past, yeah, and that

0:48:21.520 --> 0:48:22.879
<v Speaker 2>you felt like because of that.

0:48:23.160 --> 0:48:25.800
<v Speaker 5>I talked him about it, and he knew my past

0:48:26.160 --> 0:48:30.080
<v Speaker 5>like I when when I met him, Like, he never

0:48:30.120 --> 0:48:31.840
<v Speaker 5>asked me like you know, the whole how many people

0:48:31.880 --> 0:48:34.680
<v Speaker 5>type thing? But I volunteered certain information because I was like, listen,

0:48:34.960 --> 0:48:37.920
<v Speaker 5>everybody in LA knows everybody, So I'm going to give

0:48:37.920 --> 0:48:40.680
<v Speaker 5>you a few names here that I think you might

0:48:40.800 --> 0:48:44.800
<v Speaker 5>run into, especially with him doing the poetry lounge. And

0:48:44.880 --> 0:48:46.920
<v Speaker 5>luckily it was never like any of his actual friends,

0:48:47.200 --> 0:48:49.160
<v Speaker 5>but some of the names that I gave him sure

0:48:49.239 --> 0:48:49.880
<v Speaker 5>enough showed.

0:48:49.680 --> 0:48:52.640
<v Speaker 3>Up to perform. So like, and how did he deal

0:48:52.640 --> 0:48:54.680
<v Speaker 3>with that? He texted me like, you wore was here

0:48:54.760 --> 0:48:55.920
<v Speaker 3>spin home last night?

0:48:56.000 --> 0:48:59.239
<v Speaker 5>I was like, okay, I deserve that, now, you don't

0:48:59.840 --> 0:49:01.879
<v Speaker 5>Like it was like a playful teasing thing.

0:49:02.040 --> 0:49:04.719
<v Speaker 3>You know. I was like, okay, but I'm glad that

0:49:04.800 --> 0:49:06.319
<v Speaker 3>he knew who it was. Like I told him. I

0:49:06.320 --> 0:49:07.239
<v Speaker 3>was like, I never want to.

0:49:07.160 --> 0:49:09.400
<v Speaker 5>Put you in an awkward situation where we go to

0:49:09.440 --> 0:49:12.239
<v Speaker 5>an event somewhere like why, like what's the inside joke

0:49:12.280 --> 0:49:14.279
<v Speaker 5>that I'm not in it? So I was like, I

0:49:14.360 --> 0:49:15.480
<v Speaker 5>gave him certain information.

0:49:15.560 --> 0:49:17.799
<v Speaker 2>Did he give that to you? He did, okay, because

0:49:17.800 --> 0:49:20.480
<v Speaker 2>I was just saying, it seems like because he's older

0:49:20.920 --> 0:49:24.240
<v Speaker 2>and he's been in that realm and he's smart.

0:49:24.640 --> 0:49:26.879
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, but he's been in that poetry realm.

0:49:26.880 --> 0:49:29.440
<v Speaker 2>I'm sure he's you know, had his fun throughout the years,

0:49:29.520 --> 0:49:31.800
<v Speaker 2>and these people are like regulars.

0:49:31.920 --> 0:49:33.759
<v Speaker 3>Oh, you know, he had to some of them. He

0:49:33.840 --> 0:49:36.839
<v Speaker 3>had to just because it was still fair.

0:49:36.960 --> 0:49:39.279
<v Speaker 5>There was still so much part of the scene, and

0:49:39.360 --> 0:49:42.280
<v Speaker 5>so I knew who was who in the room.

0:49:42.320 --> 0:49:44.520
<v Speaker 2>You know. It's so funny. I was thinking about this

0:49:44.560 --> 0:49:49.160
<v Speaker 2>the other day because the guy I'm seeing, he we

0:49:49.239 --> 0:49:50.680
<v Speaker 2>know some of this a lot of the same people.

0:49:50.760 --> 0:49:53.560
<v Speaker 2>And there's one person in particular that I had I've

0:49:53.719 --> 0:49:57.960
<v Speaker 2>slept with, and I know that they're cool ish. Actually

0:49:58.200 --> 0:50:00.719
<v Speaker 2>I know they are cool but recently posts him and

0:50:00.760 --> 0:50:02.480
<v Speaker 2>then I was like, oh damn, Like do I need

0:50:02.520 --> 0:50:05.400
<v Speaker 2>to tell him this? I mean, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend,

0:50:05.400 --> 0:50:07.400
<v Speaker 2>but like I feel like maybe it's a conversation, but

0:50:07.440 --> 0:50:08.640
<v Speaker 2>then how do you bring that up?

0:50:08.640 --> 0:50:14.239
<v Speaker 5>Like, by the way, that's why it was talentinebles.

0:50:14.960 --> 0:50:17.520
<v Speaker 2>It was tell me I may have smashed It was

0:50:17.600 --> 0:50:19.120
<v Speaker 2>one time and only one time.

0:50:19.320 --> 0:50:21.600
<v Speaker 5>I when I presented it wasn't like in a you know,

0:50:21.880 --> 0:50:23.279
<v Speaker 5>but you know, he don't leave me type thing.

0:50:23.320 --> 0:50:24.520
<v Speaker 3>I was like, I just don't ever want you to.

0:50:24.520 --> 0:50:27.200
<v Speaker 2>Feel stupid much worried about that.

0:50:27.200 --> 0:50:27.360
<v Speaker 4>You know.

0:50:27.360 --> 0:50:29.600
<v Speaker 2>What's funny about this, though, too, is because I know

0:50:29.719 --> 0:50:32.200
<v Speaker 2>he's had sex with a girl that I know, he's

0:50:32.239 --> 0:50:35.359
<v Speaker 2>never volunteered the information. Like we've talked about her, I've

0:50:35.400 --> 0:50:38.799
<v Speaker 2>mentioned her, and she's a she's not a good friend

0:50:38.800 --> 0:50:40.719
<v Speaker 2>of mine, but we're totally cool, Like I love her,

0:50:40.840 --> 0:50:43.640
<v Speaker 2>Like if I saw her today, I'd be like, you know,

0:50:43.719 --> 0:50:46.240
<v Speaker 2>and I've mentioned her, and he's never volunteered that information

0:50:46.360 --> 0:50:48.919
<v Speaker 2>to me, And so I'm always thinking, like I wonder

0:50:48.920 --> 0:50:49.839
<v Speaker 2>if he would or.

0:50:49.760 --> 0:50:52.280
<v Speaker 4>If it's going to take me to volunteer the information

0:50:52.360 --> 0:50:55.040
<v Speaker 4>for them to him to think volunteer, not that it

0:50:55.400 --> 0:50:59.200
<v Speaker 4>obviously doesn't matter to me, But I just I've had

0:50:59.239 --> 0:51:00.839
<v Speaker 4>that thought like should I tell him?

0:51:00.880 --> 0:51:02.719
<v Speaker 5>Like, and I think it just depends on like how

0:51:02.760 --> 0:51:04.960
<v Speaker 5>the other people act, Like if you know the person

0:51:05.000 --> 0:51:08.400
<v Speaker 5>that you fuck with, is that type of like shady persons?

0:51:08.760 --> 0:51:09.480
<v Speaker 2>Yeah?

0:51:09.120 --> 0:51:10.040
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and a few of them.

0:51:10.040 --> 0:51:14.160
<v Speaker 5>I was like, listen, he is messy, so let's messy books. Yeah,

0:51:14.239 --> 0:51:18.040
<v Speaker 5>let's just not do this. And I only offered up

0:51:18.040 --> 0:51:18.759
<v Speaker 5>the messy ones.

0:51:19.120 --> 0:51:21.000
<v Speaker 2>Do you think So now that you know you went

0:51:21.080 --> 0:51:23.680
<v Speaker 2>to therapy, you have your daughter, does the shame pop

0:51:23.760 --> 0:51:27.200
<v Speaker 2>up now for you? Still? Sometimes? And maybe not shame,

0:51:27.239 --> 0:51:31.319
<v Speaker 2>but like maybe the the you're the things you're trying

0:51:31.320 --> 0:51:33.560
<v Speaker 2>to unlearn, Like have you noticed you've had to check

0:51:33.600 --> 0:51:36.240
<v Speaker 2>yourself like you've done stuff and be like, oh shit, that's.

0:51:36.400 --> 0:51:38.480
<v Speaker 5>A different things Like and now it's just like, okay,

0:51:38.520 --> 0:51:41.400
<v Speaker 5>so I've resolved the shame around my sexual past. But

0:51:41.440 --> 0:51:44.480
<v Speaker 5>then it'll be like, okay, well you didn't finish school,

0:51:44.600 --> 0:51:47.040
<v Speaker 5>so like let's let's let's dig in on that. Let's

0:51:47.040 --> 0:51:48.839
<v Speaker 5>talk about how that makes you a shitty person, and.

0:51:48.800 --> 0:51:49.799
<v Speaker 3>So it'll just cool.

0:51:50.400 --> 0:51:52.239
<v Speaker 2>How am I gonna tell my daughter she needs to? Yes?

0:51:52.640 --> 0:51:55.000
<v Speaker 3>So it just jumps to two different subject matters.

0:51:55.000 --> 0:51:58.000
<v Speaker 5>But now I'm much better about noticing what it is

0:51:58.040 --> 0:52:00.279
<v Speaker 5>in that moment, and I'm like, Okay, I know where

0:52:00.280 --> 0:52:02.799
<v Speaker 5>we are right now, and you need to stop. Yeah,

0:52:02.800 --> 0:52:04.520
<v Speaker 5>I need to stop, or I need to call. Like

0:52:04.560 --> 0:52:06.439
<v Speaker 5>I have certain friends that I'll hit up and they're

0:52:06.480 --> 0:52:10.040
<v Speaker 5>just like, you're tripping. I'll talk you through it, but

0:52:10.160 --> 0:52:13.600
<v Speaker 5>just know you're being dumb right now. And now it's

0:52:13.960 --> 0:52:16.960
<v Speaker 5>much easier to manage. And I feel like it's because

0:52:17.000 --> 0:52:20.680
<v Speaker 5>I've had the awkward conversations around it, and so now

0:52:20.680 --> 0:52:23.359
<v Speaker 5>I'm just like, you know, this advocate of everybody having

0:52:23.360 --> 0:52:26.640
<v Speaker 5>weird ass conversations and not necessarily like divulging, you know,

0:52:26.719 --> 0:52:29.040
<v Speaker 5>personal information to me or to anyone if they're not

0:52:29.080 --> 0:52:32.000
<v Speaker 5>ready to. But I just feel like you have to

0:52:32.400 --> 0:52:35.560
<v Speaker 5>address it otherwise it just stays in your head and

0:52:35.600 --> 0:52:36.719
<v Speaker 5>then you start believing it.

0:52:36.760 --> 0:52:39.360
<v Speaker 2>And there's so many women out here that feel the

0:52:39.400 --> 0:52:41.320
<v Speaker 2>same way. And I think that's what me and Jamila

0:52:41.320 --> 0:52:44.520
<v Speaker 2>have discovered just through podcasting, and I'm sure like, oh,

0:52:44.520 --> 0:52:46.680
<v Speaker 2>we're not the only ones that feel this way. Oh wait,

0:52:46.719 --> 0:52:47.479
<v Speaker 2>that happened to you.

0:52:47.400 --> 0:52:51.000
<v Speaker 4>Too, and kind of finding like growth in the shit

0:52:51.080 --> 0:52:53.600
<v Speaker 4>that you've done, like everybody has some shit.

0:52:53.520 --> 0:52:58.040
<v Speaker 2>Growth And also like feeling finding some sort of empowerment

0:52:58.040 --> 0:53:00.239
<v Speaker 2>in it, you know what I mean, Like, yeah, yeah

0:53:00.239 --> 0:53:02.239
<v Speaker 2>I did that ship and so did a lot of them,

0:53:02.320 --> 0:53:06.239
<v Speaker 2>so did your mom. Right, so what?

0:53:07.000 --> 0:53:08.960
<v Speaker 4>But you know what this conversation makes me because I'm

0:53:09.000 --> 0:53:12.960
<v Speaker 4>thinking talking to you, I'm like examining my own shame

0:53:13.280 --> 0:53:16.200
<v Speaker 4>and when I felt it, or like if I've acknowledged it,

0:53:16.320 --> 0:53:18.640
<v Speaker 4>or if I'm like just so badass, I don't have

0:53:18.719 --> 0:53:21.600
<v Speaker 4>no shame, and then if I'm just like telling myself that,

0:53:21.680 --> 0:53:24.040
<v Speaker 4>because of course there's that too, But you know what

0:53:24.080 --> 0:53:27.200
<v Speaker 4>I realized it takes you have to you have to

0:53:27.200 --> 0:53:30.640
<v Speaker 4>be aware of the of the shame, like how people

0:53:30.760 --> 0:53:34.239
<v Speaker 4>try to use that against you, particularly meant because like

0:53:34.360 --> 0:53:36.799
<v Speaker 4>obviously when you have a partner that's mature enough to

0:53:36.920 --> 0:53:39.080
<v Speaker 4>like have a conversation and like we could see you know,

0:53:39.200 --> 0:53:41.279
<v Speaker 4>it's it's just like you know, first of all, I

0:53:41.280 --> 0:53:43.080
<v Speaker 4>always tell people like did you think when you met me?

0:53:43.160 --> 0:53:45.319
<v Speaker 2>I was a virgin? Did you think I know how

0:53:45.320 --> 0:53:47.960
<v Speaker 2>to ride that dick like that? For no reason? Or

0:53:48.040 --> 0:53:50.400
<v Speaker 2>these skills didn't come from nowhere practice?

0:53:50.440 --> 0:53:53.279
<v Speaker 4>This is practice, baby, Yes, better'd be happy you caught

0:53:53.280 --> 0:53:59.040
<v Speaker 4>me right now, right, But I was in a relationship

0:53:59.360 --> 0:54:05.640
<v Speaker 4>that was so much based on shaming me and picking

0:54:05.800 --> 0:54:09.520
<v Speaker 4>out like picking picking, picking picking at shit, like knowing

0:54:09.520 --> 0:54:11.640
<v Speaker 4>stuff about me because like we've known each other for

0:54:11.680 --> 0:54:15.960
<v Speaker 4>so long that I was okay with certain things, but then.

0:54:15.840 --> 0:54:17.799
<v Speaker 2>Like I could, I could feel myself like.

0:54:19.239 --> 0:54:22.320
<v Speaker 4>Being in a great area about it because this person

0:54:22.560 --> 0:54:25.160
<v Speaker 4>was like trying to make me feel guilty about it.

0:54:25.440 --> 0:54:27.840
<v Speaker 4>And so one day I was like, dude, like he

0:54:27.920 --> 0:54:30.360
<v Speaker 4>tried to tell my best friend something about me that I, oh,

0:54:30.520 --> 0:54:35.319
<v Speaker 4>it was my paid sex hory uh submission, my own

0:54:35.320 --> 0:54:38.920
<v Speaker 4>submission to the podcast, and I had like written about it,

0:54:39.000 --> 0:54:42.080
<v Speaker 4>and he tried to like out me to Danielle, who's

0:54:42.120 --> 0:54:44.240
<v Speaker 4>I've done for twenty five years, And I was like, dude,

0:54:44.880 --> 0:54:46.120
<v Speaker 4>she knows all my business.

0:54:46.760 --> 0:54:50.080
<v Speaker 2>You are ashamed of it. I'm not. You can't make

0:54:50.160 --> 0:54:53.240
<v Speaker 2>me feel bad about something I don't feel bad about.

0:54:53.440 --> 0:54:55.360
<v Speaker 4>And it took me to like really examine that in

0:54:55.440 --> 0:54:58.200
<v Speaker 4>myself and be like, dude, you're barking up the wrong

0:54:58.239 --> 0:54:59.399
<v Speaker 4>tree because only you care.

0:54:59.640 --> 0:55:02.719
<v Speaker 2>I don't. Well, that's I mean, that's very strong of you,

0:55:02.800 --> 0:55:06.680
<v Speaker 2>because very easily could a man or anyone make you

0:55:06.719 --> 0:55:08.920
<v Speaker 2>feel shameful about something you never even thought you had

0:55:08.960 --> 0:55:11.719
<v Speaker 2>shame around. You could be like, I'm what was wrong

0:55:11.760 --> 0:55:12.960
<v Speaker 2>with that? And then he can shame you and you

0:55:13.040 --> 0:55:14.839
<v Speaker 2>be like, oh shit, maybe I am well. I mean

0:55:14.840 --> 0:55:16.719
<v Speaker 2>there was obviously things that are not.

0:55:18.160 --> 0:55:22.000
<v Speaker 4>Traditional, you know, and there's things that I mean, you know,

0:55:22.120 --> 0:55:24.399
<v Speaker 4>I wouldn't like recommend anyone do too.

0:55:25.280 --> 0:55:26.759
<v Speaker 2>Luckily, I you know, it.

0:55:26.760 --> 0:55:32.560
<v Speaker 4>Was they were good learning experiences for me, but like

0:55:32.719 --> 0:55:35.279
<v Speaker 4>being aware of that and picking a partner that is

0:55:35.360 --> 0:55:38.320
<v Speaker 4>mature enough like to be like, Okay, you're a human

0:55:38.440 --> 0:55:40.880
<v Speaker 4>just like me, and you've done shit before. This is

0:55:40.960 --> 0:55:46.520
<v Speaker 4>so so important because that relationship, Like I didn't realize it,

0:55:46.560 --> 0:55:50.640
<v Speaker 4>but I was fucking depressed for years, years sitting up

0:55:50.719 --> 0:55:53.799
<v Speaker 4>like being miserable with somebody and like it was weird

0:55:53.800 --> 0:55:56.800
<v Speaker 4>because I think he loved me, but like he couldn't

0:55:57.080 --> 0:55:59.439
<v Speaker 4>understand me and so he couldn't accept it.

0:55:59.360 --> 0:55:59.560
<v Speaker 2>You know.

0:55:59.640 --> 0:56:02.719
<v Speaker 4>So it's just like this this constant battle, and even

0:56:02.760 --> 0:56:05.360
<v Speaker 4>in regular conversations I would have like I think I

0:56:05.440 --> 0:56:07.160
<v Speaker 4>found like all these letters from high.

0:56:06.960 --> 0:56:09.479
<v Speaker 2>School and I remember click cringing, like oh.

0:56:09.400 --> 0:56:12.520
<v Speaker 4>No, don't find anything from the seventh grade about that

0:56:12.600 --> 0:56:15.239
<v Speaker 4>boy name. So you know, like it's gonna start this

0:56:15.280 --> 0:56:16.960
<v Speaker 4>shit all over again, because we had known each other

0:56:16.960 --> 0:56:20.440
<v Speaker 4>that long. But I'm just like I had to get

0:56:20.480 --> 0:56:22.839
<v Speaker 4>past that and get out of that relationship and grow

0:56:22.880 --> 0:56:25.440
<v Speaker 4>out of it to like feel empowered again.

0:56:25.680 --> 0:56:29.200
<v Speaker 2>Because yeah, I didne a lot of shit, But it's so.

0:56:29.080 --> 0:56:31.719
<v Speaker 4>Important to pick a partner that empowers you and that

0:56:31.800 --> 0:56:35.040
<v Speaker 4>is mature enough to understand, Like, you wouldn't get me

0:56:35.160 --> 0:56:38.160
<v Speaker 4>right now if it wasn't for the experiences that I've

0:56:38.200 --> 0:56:41.240
<v Speaker 4>had up until this point. I'm who I am because

0:56:41.239 --> 0:56:44.480
<v Speaker 4>of everything that I've done right up until right now.

0:56:44.520 --> 0:56:46.520
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, So if you like this per person, you like.

0:56:46.520 --> 0:56:49.640
<v Speaker 4>All of that period, and I don't ask me how

0:56:49.640 --> 0:56:51.920
<v Speaker 4>many people I stuck with, I don't know, same, it's

0:56:51.920 --> 0:56:52.680
<v Speaker 4>a dumbest us.

0:56:53.600 --> 0:56:55.640
<v Speaker 2>But you're still gonna smash right.

0:56:58.200 --> 0:57:00.640
<v Speaker 4>So it's just like just to be a woman is

0:57:00.719 --> 0:57:03.880
<v Speaker 4>such a like to be a woman and to have

0:57:04.000 --> 0:57:07.880
<v Speaker 4>had sex and lived your life is just like such

0:57:07.880 --> 0:57:11.960
<v Speaker 4>an odd place. Like socially, there's just this weird I mean,

0:57:11.960 --> 0:57:13.960
<v Speaker 4>obviously we're in a place that's like we're becoming more

0:57:13.960 --> 0:57:16.520
<v Speaker 4>sexually liberated. We can talk about it, we can have

0:57:16.560 --> 0:57:23.680
<v Speaker 4>these conversations as mothers, Oh God, God forbid, mothers, how did.

0:57:23.560 --> 0:57:27.760
<v Speaker 2>You get here? You don't deserve a husband, will you

0:57:27.920 --> 0:57:29.080
<v Speaker 2>should be shunned for life.

0:57:30.080 --> 0:57:33.120
<v Speaker 4>So it's just it's crazy, but it makes me realize

0:57:33.160 --> 0:57:36.200
<v Speaker 4>how how fucking and vital and important it is in

0:57:36.240 --> 0:57:39.880
<v Speaker 4>my next relationship that that be like we can.

0:57:39.760 --> 0:57:43.440
<v Speaker 2>Have the conversation and it not be like icedly like sweat, Yeah.

0:57:43.320 --> 0:57:46.040
<v Speaker 5>You can't use the information against person later.

0:57:46.160 --> 0:57:47.600
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, And I.

0:57:47.640 --> 0:57:51.280
<v Speaker 5>Never encountered that with him, So I think that helped

0:57:51.320 --> 0:57:54.400
<v Speaker 5>a lot. That I was able to provide information with him.

0:57:54.400 --> 0:57:57.000
<v Speaker 5>We would have just honest conversations. He never hit me

0:57:57.040 --> 0:57:58.840
<v Speaker 5>with the you know, the body count question.

0:57:58.960 --> 0:58:01.560
<v Speaker 2>He was like litten, the older, Yeah, more mature. That

0:58:01.640 --> 0:58:03.760
<v Speaker 2>helps twenty.

0:58:03.440 --> 0:58:08.040
<v Speaker 8>Five in man years, right, But that that definitely helped,

0:58:08.040 --> 0:58:10.800
<v Speaker 8>But it still didn't stop the It obviously didn't stop

0:58:10.800 --> 0:58:13.400
<v Speaker 8>it from after we got married and me getting pregnant, like,

0:58:13.440 --> 0:58:15.240
<v Speaker 8>it still came up and I realized like.

0:58:15.200 --> 0:58:17.320
<v Speaker 3>Okay, this is my ship, but he's not throwing this

0:58:17.400 --> 0:58:18.120
<v Speaker 3>back in my face.

0:58:18.280 --> 0:58:18.680
<v Speaker 2>It's just you.

0:58:18.880 --> 0:58:20.520
<v Speaker 3>My family's not saying that this is all me.

0:58:20.720 --> 0:58:22.200
<v Speaker 5>And that's when it was like, Okay, you need to

0:58:22.200 --> 0:58:26.480
<v Speaker 5>go seek professional help because you're just driving yourself insane.

0:58:26.520 --> 0:58:29.480
<v Speaker 2>And social society will drive you insane.

0:58:29.680 --> 0:58:32.600
<v Speaker 4>Like the things that were like we swallow and accept

0:58:32.800 --> 0:58:34.760
<v Speaker 4>not realizing or accepting it because like I didn't grow

0:58:34.800 --> 0:58:36.800
<v Speaker 4>up in a religious, know kind of religious background.

0:58:36.800 --> 0:58:38.320
<v Speaker 2>But of course there was comments. Of course there was

0:58:38.360 --> 0:58:39.000
<v Speaker 2>things being said.

0:58:39.280 --> 0:58:43.000
<v Speaker 4>Watch TV here, people have conversations and these these ideas,

0:58:43.480 --> 0:58:45.520
<v Speaker 4>you know, transform how you feel about yourself.

0:58:45.640 --> 0:58:49.160
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, Instagram and like just the social commentary. You can't

0:58:49.160 --> 0:58:57.920
<v Speaker 3>turn a home into the house, and you just like, so.

0:58:54.720 --> 0:58:58.760
<v Speaker 2>That's how I like. They they don't have a job,

0:58:59.160 --> 0:59:03.440
<v Speaker 2>and they doing sheet because they laid it down. And

0:59:03.560 --> 0:59:05.640
<v Speaker 2>guess how many times they had to do that to

0:59:05.720 --> 0:59:13.720
<v Speaker 2>get to where they are to be an expert? Can

0:59:13.760 --> 0:59:15.520
<v Speaker 2>you think that out to all the homes in the house?

0:59:15.920 --> 0:59:19.360
<v Speaker 2>I am pro pro how I mean, but I mean

0:59:19.440 --> 0:59:21.520
<v Speaker 2>they're fucking First of all, it's not a hell. You're

0:59:21.520 --> 0:59:25.080
<v Speaker 2>not a help, You're just a human, like just a human.

0:59:25.920 --> 0:59:36.280
<v Speaker 2>Got exercising your sexual rights? Yeah, freely? Have you.

0:59:36.040 --> 0:59:37.120
<v Speaker 3>What's happening here?

0:59:37.560 --> 0:59:43.360
<v Speaker 2>I'm coughing, Eric's shaking her legs. Have you have you experienced.

0:59:42.880 --> 0:59:46.760
<v Speaker 4>Any like like specific times you felt shame or like

0:59:46.800 --> 0:59:47.120
<v Speaker 4>even in.

0:59:47.560 --> 0:59:50.680
<v Speaker 2>Parenthood or I mean, of course I've experienced shame, like.

0:59:50.960 --> 0:59:54.240
<v Speaker 4>Just in general, like like I don't know what do

0:59:54.240 --> 0:59:55.800
<v Speaker 4>they call it?

0:59:55.880 --> 0:59:56.480
<v Speaker 2>Slut shaming?

0:59:56.560 --> 0:59:57.000
<v Speaker 3>Shame?

0:59:57.680 --> 1:00:00.680
<v Speaker 2>Of course, of course I have. I mean we're women.

1:00:00.720 --> 1:00:04.080
<v Speaker 2>I think every woman has experienced slutshaming. I mean honestly,

1:00:04.120 --> 1:00:06.120
<v Speaker 2>it's like you're not a woman unless until you've experienced

1:00:06.240 --> 1:00:11.400
<v Speaker 2>such the most conservative experience. People will make up some shit,

1:00:11.480 --> 1:00:14.040
<v Speaker 2>but as far as like shame goes, Like as a parent,

1:00:14.120 --> 1:00:16.480
<v Speaker 2>I never I didn't experience like your experience, But I'm

1:00:16.520 --> 1:00:20.680
<v Speaker 2>not feeling like I deserved my child. I think sometimes

1:00:20.720 --> 1:00:24.360
<v Speaker 2>even like now, sometimes I feel like especially now because

1:00:24.360 --> 1:00:26.320
<v Speaker 2>Irie is getting older and asking me a lot of

1:00:26.400 --> 1:00:30.200
<v Speaker 2>questions about what things mean and how to define things

1:00:30.480 --> 1:00:34.240
<v Speaker 2>and Mommy, what does this word mean? Mommy? Why is this?

1:00:34.400 --> 1:00:35.919
<v Speaker 2>Why is that? What is that?

1:00:36.080 --> 1:00:36.200
<v Speaker 1>What?

1:00:36.320 --> 1:00:39.800
<v Speaker 2>And I'm like, shit, Like literally, we were having this

1:00:39.840 --> 1:00:41.960
<v Speaker 2>conversation the other day and Iri was like I was like,

1:00:42.200 --> 1:00:44.680
<v Speaker 2>I was mad at her because she was not listening,

1:00:44.720 --> 1:00:48.200
<v Speaker 2>and I was like, you are this is unacceptable behavior.

1:00:48.480 --> 1:00:50.240
<v Speaker 2>And I was like, do you know what unacceptable WANs?

1:00:50.480 --> 1:00:52.600
<v Speaker 2>And She's like no, what does it mean? And I

1:00:52.640 --> 1:00:57.120
<v Speaker 2>was like, I mean, I don't like the shame. And

1:00:57.160 --> 1:00:59.600
<v Speaker 2>I was like, wait, that's not a good answer. Let

1:00:59.600 --> 1:01:01.800
<v Speaker 2>me try to find this. So yeah, sometimes I'm like,

1:01:01.840 --> 1:01:06.320
<v Speaker 2>am I smart? Like how do I question again? And

1:01:06.400 --> 1:01:08.560
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, oh my god, She's gonna get older and

1:01:08.640 --> 1:01:12.560
<v Speaker 2>like start taking all these different like English history, all

1:01:12.600 --> 1:01:15.000
<v Speaker 2>these things, and I'm like, I think it's it's already

1:01:15.040 --> 1:01:18.000
<v Speaker 2>starting to pop up where I'm questioning. I think, like you,

1:01:18.080 --> 1:01:20.800
<v Speaker 2>I didn't finish college. A lot of my friends have

1:01:20.880 --> 1:01:24.640
<v Speaker 2>their masters, you know, they're you know, highly intelligent in

1:01:25.480 --> 1:01:29.920
<v Speaker 2>that sense of the word. And it's something I've I've

1:01:29.920 --> 1:01:32.840
<v Speaker 2>felt insecure about, especially too, like I work in a

1:01:32.880 --> 1:01:37.840
<v Speaker 2>business that you know, my mom founded a really amazing

1:01:37.880 --> 1:01:41.480
<v Speaker 2>company and I'm you know, she looks to me for

1:01:41.560 --> 1:01:45.120
<v Speaker 2>advice and at some point I might take over this company.

1:01:45.240 --> 1:01:47.520
<v Speaker 2>And sometimes I feel like I'm not worthy, Like I

1:01:47.560 --> 1:01:49.880
<v Speaker 2>don't know everything. I don't know these people went to

1:01:49.880 --> 1:01:52.240
<v Speaker 2>school for this shit. These people like have worked for

1:01:52.400 --> 1:01:55.920
<v Speaker 2>major brands and know how this works. And I'm just like,

1:01:56.360 --> 1:02:00.120
<v Speaker 2>sometimes I feel unworthy of the things that I have.

1:02:00.440 --> 1:02:03.240
<v Speaker 2>And also like, am I smart? How am I going

1:02:03.280 --> 1:02:05.200
<v Speaker 2>to tell my daughter that I didn't finish college but

1:02:05.240 --> 1:02:07.920
<v Speaker 2>I want her to finish college? And how am I

1:02:08.000 --> 1:02:12.000
<v Speaker 2>going to help her with her homework? Like and not

1:02:12.160 --> 1:02:15.160
<v Speaker 2>know what this means? And because when it comes to math.

1:02:15.320 --> 1:02:17.280
<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry, honey, Iri. Let me just tell you now,

1:02:17.280 --> 1:02:20.200
<v Speaker 2>if you're listening to this in the future, I'm sorry, baby,

1:02:20.280 --> 1:02:22.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm so fucking that that's what.

1:02:23.840 --> 1:02:25.400
<v Speaker 3>That's what tutors are for. And I was like, and.

1:02:25.520 --> 1:02:27.600
<v Speaker 2>Math is not my strongest at all.

1:02:27.760 --> 1:02:30.560
<v Speaker 3>I'm like, and I will hustle enough write your English paper.

1:02:31.320 --> 1:02:35.720
<v Speaker 2>However, Yeah, so I think some of that like has

1:02:35.760 --> 1:02:38.440
<v Speaker 2>come up for me as far as like feeling ashamed

1:02:38.480 --> 1:02:41.400
<v Speaker 2>that I don't maybe I could be more educated in

1:02:41.680 --> 1:02:42.680
<v Speaker 2>different ways.

1:02:43.320 --> 1:02:45.400
<v Speaker 5>But there's so much self awareness and even saying that

1:02:45.440 --> 1:02:47.280
<v Speaker 5>instead of just going out into the world and just

1:02:47.360 --> 1:02:51.400
<v Speaker 5>assuming I'm smart, I know everything and you don't, masses can't. Like,

1:02:51.880 --> 1:02:53.760
<v Speaker 5>I feel like that opens you up that you're more

1:02:53.840 --> 1:02:55.800
<v Speaker 5>likely to ask for help and more likely to do

1:02:55.840 --> 1:02:58.040
<v Speaker 5>more research because you're already thinking.

1:02:57.960 --> 1:02:59.160
<v Speaker 3>Every dog answer.

1:02:59.400 --> 1:03:01.520
<v Speaker 2>And I say that, And that's how I kind of

1:03:01.520 --> 1:03:03.840
<v Speaker 2>talk myself off that ledge. I was like, I can

1:03:03.880 --> 1:03:06.560
<v Speaker 2>start educating myself today if I wanted to. There's really

1:03:06.560 --> 1:03:09.840
<v Speaker 2>no excuse, you know, I could start educating myself so

1:03:09.880 --> 1:03:11.680
<v Speaker 2>that when she is in high school, I already know,

1:03:11.840 --> 1:03:14.000
<v Speaker 2>like I can read, I can brush up on some shit,

1:03:14.280 --> 1:03:14.880
<v Speaker 2>you know, what I mean.

1:03:14.880 --> 1:03:18.760
<v Speaker 4>My god, speaking of that, did you guys see I

1:03:18.800 --> 1:03:23.200
<v Speaker 4>know I showed Erica Erica Badu's homeschooling post. Oh yeah, no,

1:03:24.000 --> 1:03:26.280
<v Speaker 4>well it is so it's going to make anyone in

1:03:26.320 --> 1:03:29.840
<v Speaker 4>the world feel inadequate and drum as hell. As soon

1:03:29.880 --> 1:03:31.880
<v Speaker 4>as I saw it, I was like, oh my god,

1:03:32.120 --> 1:03:34.040
<v Speaker 4>I don't know shit, how am I going to teach

1:03:34.080 --> 1:03:35.000
<v Speaker 4>my child anything?

1:03:35.640 --> 1:03:36.920
<v Speaker 2>It was so deep.

1:03:37.960 --> 1:03:39.919
<v Speaker 3>Well she's deep. Let me tell you the whole time.

1:03:39.960 --> 1:03:42.560
<v Speaker 2>Do you want to hear what she said? Yes, just

1:03:42.600 --> 1:03:44.280
<v Speaker 2>if you want to feel even more inadequate.

1:03:45.440 --> 1:03:48.040
<v Speaker 4>She said, she's talking about a homeschool, and she says,

1:03:48.600 --> 1:03:51.800
<v Speaker 4>when Daddy is home, Wait, the whole drill knows. If

1:03:52.000 --> 1:03:53.840
<v Speaker 4>the whole family knows the drill, the whole family got

1:03:53.840 --> 1:03:56.400
<v Speaker 4>to get involved. When Big Bro comes home from college

1:03:56.440 --> 1:03:59.880
<v Speaker 4>botany major, he teaches botany in psychology. When Daddy is

1:04:00.240 --> 1:04:04.200
<v Speaker 4>Jay Electronica, he teaches world planetary history and geography. When

1:04:04.240 --> 1:04:06.640
<v Speaker 4>Big Sis ninth grade is done with her work, she

1:04:06.680 --> 1:04:07.840
<v Speaker 4>teaches art and French.

1:04:08.160 --> 1:04:09.240
<v Speaker 2>I'll handle.

1:04:10.960 --> 1:04:19.439
<v Speaker 4>The physics, math, lit, sociology, health science, astronomy, astrology, meditation, religion, economics,

1:04:19.640 --> 1:04:26.520
<v Speaker 4>art appreciation, filmmaking, quantum science, molecular physics, et cetera. So

1:04:26.720 --> 1:04:30.440
<v Speaker 4>fourteen things plus, but our main focus is human compassion

1:04:30.520 --> 1:04:32.960
<v Speaker 4>or matters of the heart. We are guiding Mars to

1:04:32.960 --> 1:04:35.600
<v Speaker 4>see the world through her own lens. She will understand

1:04:35.640 --> 1:04:38.360
<v Speaker 4>that she must experience the consequences of her own choices

1:04:38.400 --> 1:04:39.040
<v Speaker 4>and judgments.

1:04:39.240 --> 1:04:41.080
<v Speaker 2>It is not necessary that she becomes.

1:04:40.840 --> 1:04:43.720
<v Speaker 4>A mini Erica or mini j After all, we are

1:04:43.760 --> 1:04:46.160
<v Speaker 4>all still becoming lots of love.

1:04:48.320 --> 1:04:49.840
<v Speaker 2>We need to pick up a book. I need to

1:04:49.920 --> 1:04:51.160
<v Speaker 2>learn molecular science.

1:04:51.840 --> 1:04:53.920
<v Speaker 3>You know what I heard when I listened to it.

1:04:53.960 --> 1:04:55.760
<v Speaker 3>I was like, basically, if your kid lives in La

1:04:55.880 --> 1:04:59.200
<v Speaker 3>let me see this. Let me tell you. Okay, so

1:04:59.440 --> 1:05:01.640
<v Speaker 3>maybe not by but what is that? It's like gardening?

1:05:01.840 --> 1:05:06.040
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I believe you've got a backyard, got back covered? Okay,

1:05:06.240 --> 1:05:07.960
<v Speaker 2>find me. Okay, break it down. Break it down for

1:05:08.040 --> 1:05:09.880
<v Speaker 2>us so we don't feel so inadequate lineography.

1:05:09.920 --> 1:05:11.200
<v Speaker 3>Your kids gonna spend a lot of time in the

1:05:11.200 --> 1:05:12.320
<v Speaker 3>backseat on these freeways.

1:05:12.360 --> 1:05:15.160
<v Speaker 2>Okay, if you're you gonna be traveling with me, so

1:05:15.160 --> 1:05:16.800
<v Speaker 2>we're gonna go country to country. So that's yo.

1:05:17.160 --> 1:05:20.720
<v Speaker 5>But I'm not even wait, okay, I'm talking about just

1:05:20.720 --> 1:05:25.080
<v Speaker 5>for our kids living in this city, math and and okay,

1:05:25.040 --> 1:05:28.280
<v Speaker 5>they're gonna teach you a kid them sociology. Right around

1:05:28.280 --> 1:05:30.880
<v Speaker 5>the city. You get to study people. Okay, that's all

1:05:30.920 --> 1:05:33.760
<v Speaker 5>that is. See that lady at the supermarket, she was

1:05:33.800 --> 1:05:37.400
<v Speaker 5>a bitch health science. To take them to their doctor's appointment.

1:05:37.480 --> 1:05:40.920
<v Speaker 5>Walk them through what's happening. Bam, got it covered. Astronomy,

1:05:41.080 --> 1:05:45.960
<v Speaker 5>look outside, bitch astrology. Tell them about they signed meditation. Okay,

1:05:46.000 --> 1:05:49.600
<v Speaker 5>y'all can go to yoga together. Religion, optional, economics, talk

1:05:49.640 --> 1:05:52.680
<v Speaker 5>to them about the family budget, art appreciation, take.

1:05:52.480 --> 1:05:55.360
<v Speaker 3>Them to the art walk downtown. Filmmaking.

1:05:55.680 --> 1:05:58.360
<v Speaker 5>That's what iPhones are for. Y'all are recording ship right now,

1:05:58.440 --> 1:05:59.400
<v Speaker 5>y'all are filmmakers.

1:06:00.760 --> 1:06:02.960
<v Speaker 3>Quantum science and you don't need all that does not

1:06:03.080 --> 1:06:04.800
<v Speaker 3>even mean That's why I said you don't even need it,

1:06:04.800 --> 1:06:07.800
<v Speaker 3>because I don't know what it means.

1:06:08.840 --> 1:06:11.720
<v Speaker 5>Molecular physics also know, but you can cross off a

1:06:11.760 --> 1:06:13.400
<v Speaker 5>bunch of them by just living in the city of

1:06:13.400 --> 1:06:13.960
<v Speaker 5>Los Angeles.

1:06:14.040 --> 1:06:15.360
<v Speaker 3>Our appreciation.

1:06:16.480 --> 1:06:19.480
<v Speaker 2>Because I was like, wow, that's true, you're right, you're right.

1:06:20.160 --> 1:06:22.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm glad you broke it down for us. Yeah, that's

1:06:22.040 --> 1:06:23.560
<v Speaker 2>living in the city. Thank you.

1:06:23.560 --> 1:06:24.720
<v Speaker 3>You will get all of that and more.

1:06:27.200 --> 1:06:29.760
<v Speaker 2>Sorry, for cutting you off. No, no, no, no.

1:06:29.400 --> 1:06:32.720
<v Speaker 4>It just I thought, and I was like, damn. And

1:06:32.800 --> 1:06:35.280
<v Speaker 4>she's also has like seven Grammys. How did you teach

1:06:35.280 --> 1:06:38.800
<v Speaker 4>fourteen topics? Fourteen homeschool subjects? Get a Grammy and be

1:06:38.920 --> 1:06:40.320
<v Speaker 4>rich and be fly and be bombed.

1:06:41.400 --> 1:06:42.200
<v Speaker 2>But that's what we know.

1:06:42.360 --> 1:06:44.959
<v Speaker 4>But that's we're working progress, and that's what she says

1:06:44.960 --> 1:06:46.800
<v Speaker 4>all at the end, which I thought was the most beautiful.

1:06:47.200 --> 1:06:49.880
<v Speaker 2>We're all becoming and that's so.

1:06:49.920 --> 1:06:52.000
<v Speaker 3>But y'all can make a list like that today, be like,

1:06:52.040 --> 1:06:53.440
<v Speaker 3>I'm teaching my kids.

1:06:54.240 --> 1:06:58.840
<v Speaker 2>You know what, I've already teaching iris, geography, sociology all

1:06:58.880 --> 1:07:00.600
<v Speaker 2>the time. Oh my god, can I tell you something?

1:07:00.680 --> 1:07:04.840
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god. Yesterday Freddy came over and was like,

1:07:06.360 --> 1:07:08.640
<v Speaker 2>that's fine. Everyone knows that's my baby daddy. My baby

1:07:08.680 --> 1:07:13.480
<v Speaker 2>daddy's name is Freddy. Guys, Okay, hey Freddy, it's not

1:07:13.520 --> 1:07:16.920
<v Speaker 2>that hard to figure.

1:07:17.240 --> 1:07:18.120
<v Speaker 3>No, happy bay.

1:07:18.240 --> 1:07:22.800
<v Speaker 2>He don't get blurred with. So he came over and

1:07:22.960 --> 1:07:24.720
<v Speaker 2>was like, do you know what your daughter said to

1:07:24.760 --> 1:07:26.800
<v Speaker 2>me the other day? And I was like what And

1:07:26.840 --> 1:07:28.520
<v Speaker 2>she was like, Irie, what did what did you say?

1:07:28.560 --> 1:07:31.760
<v Speaker 2>Mommy said that people the people she doesn't like, and

1:07:31.800 --> 1:07:36.280
<v Speaker 2>she was like, white people I almost passed the funk out.

1:07:36.360 --> 1:07:39.200
<v Speaker 2>I was like what, She's like, yeah, mommy, white people

1:07:39.200 --> 1:07:39.600
<v Speaker 2>are bad.

1:07:39.840 --> 1:07:40.120
<v Speaker 4>No.

1:07:40.400 --> 1:07:43.320
<v Speaker 2>I was like, oh my god, no, no, they're not.

1:07:43.680 --> 1:07:46.160
<v Speaker 2>I was like, they're not bad. I'm a little bit

1:07:46.160 --> 1:07:50.920
<v Speaker 2>of white like so, and you know, like, we have

1:07:50.960 --> 1:07:52.840
<v Speaker 2>white people in our lives that we love. There's a

1:07:52.840 --> 1:07:55.480
<v Speaker 2>lot of amazing white people in this world, don't. I

1:07:55.480 --> 1:07:57.320
<v Speaker 2>don't want you going around telling people that you all

1:07:57.560 --> 1:08:00.480
<v Speaker 2>you have white friends at school, you know. Like, but

1:08:00.520 --> 1:08:03.240
<v Speaker 2>I was just like, oh my god, there's like is

1:08:03.280 --> 1:08:06.040
<v Speaker 2>this what I'm teaching her? Like? Is this is this

1:08:06.160 --> 1:08:08.520
<v Speaker 2>what she picked up off all the fucking beautiful things

1:08:08.560 --> 1:08:09.920
<v Speaker 2>I tell my daughter daily.

1:08:09.760 --> 1:08:11.600
<v Speaker 4>Like she gotta be careful because even remember I tell

1:08:11.640 --> 1:08:13.040
<v Speaker 4>me that black Sanna, She's like, I don't want to

1:08:13.040 --> 1:08:14.640
<v Speaker 4>see black sand I want to see white sand.

1:08:14.960 --> 1:08:17.120
<v Speaker 2>I was like, I think this is where that conversation

1:08:17.240 --> 1:08:19.519
<v Speaker 2>came from. I think that's where she that that moment

1:08:19.600 --> 1:08:21.720
<v Speaker 2>we were talking about that in the car, that is

1:08:21.760 --> 1:08:23.720
<v Speaker 2>where she got it from. I remember we were talking

1:08:23.720 --> 1:08:26.080
<v Speaker 2>about something, We're talking about something racial, and I said

1:08:26.120 --> 1:08:27.960
<v Speaker 2>something like that's why white people do that shit, And

1:08:28.080 --> 1:08:31.320
<v Speaker 2>I think something like that translated into negativity, and I

1:08:31.320 --> 1:08:33.240
<v Speaker 2>do not want my daughter thinking that white people are

1:08:33.280 --> 1:08:35.479
<v Speaker 2>bad because they're not. There are a lot of bad

1:08:35.560 --> 1:08:36.920
<v Speaker 2>black This is what I said to her. I said,

1:08:37.400 --> 1:08:39.439
<v Speaker 2>there are bad There are bad white people, but they're

1:08:39.479 --> 1:08:42.479
<v Speaker 2>also bad Black people, and there are bad brown people.

1:08:42.720 --> 1:08:45.400
<v Speaker 2>There are just bad people in general. It doesn't matter.

1:08:45.560 --> 1:08:49.599
<v Speaker 2>It's not like designated to the color of your skin, right,

1:08:49.840 --> 1:08:53.600
<v Speaker 2>Like yes, absolutely, like black people, you know, deal with

1:08:53.640 --> 1:08:57.040
<v Speaker 2>a lot of bad ship from other races, specifically white people.

1:08:57.040 --> 1:09:00.479
<v Speaker 4>But that's that alone, is a complex thing that your child.

1:09:00.479 --> 1:09:02.160
<v Speaker 4>Because we were watching a documentary the one that I

1:09:02.160 --> 1:09:05.519
<v Speaker 4>need to correct myself. It wasn't called black paraphernilia. It

1:09:05.560 --> 1:09:10.320
<v Speaker 4>was called black memorabilia. I was really high that week

1:09:10.479 --> 1:09:14.360
<v Speaker 4>and soa and drinking Cannieen last week. I was acting dumb.

1:09:14.439 --> 1:09:16.800
<v Speaker 4>It's because I was high. But there was all these

1:09:16.840 --> 1:09:18.920
<v Speaker 4>images when I was playing Sorry to Cut You Off,

1:09:20.520 --> 1:09:23.720
<v Speaker 4>and there was like pictures of people being hang and

1:09:23.760 --> 1:09:26.680
<v Speaker 4>like white people watching, and like Luda was in and

1:09:26.720 --> 1:09:28.040
<v Speaker 4>out of their room, and I was like, is this

1:09:28.120 --> 1:09:31.200
<v Speaker 4>too graphic to be showing her? But I remember watching

1:09:31.280 --> 1:09:33.080
<v Speaker 4>like very graphic things as achild. My dad like made

1:09:33.080 --> 1:09:35.040
<v Speaker 4>me watch Malcolm X. I watched like all types of

1:09:35.040 --> 1:09:35.759
<v Speaker 4>adult movies.

1:09:35.800 --> 1:09:36.920
<v Speaker 3>It's an ongoing lesson.

1:09:37.000 --> 1:09:38.559
<v Speaker 5>So I think if they hear you say something like

1:09:38.600 --> 1:09:41.360
<v Speaker 5>that in traffic or they see the images, you know

1:09:41.400 --> 1:09:43.840
<v Speaker 5>that the conversation is going to be ongoing, probably for

1:09:43.880 --> 1:09:45.519
<v Speaker 5>the rest of their lives, right, But.

1:09:45.560 --> 1:09:47.559
<v Speaker 2>Like, when do you introduce it? Like I mean, even

1:09:47.640 --> 1:09:50.040
<v Speaker 2>like I have a lot of most of the books

1:09:50.040 --> 1:09:52.240
<v Speaker 2>I reader, a lot of them are like, you know,

1:09:52.439 --> 1:09:55.160
<v Speaker 2>girls that look like her, And there's one specifically that

1:09:55.320 --> 1:09:57.519
<v Speaker 2>is Martin Luther King. I had a dream book and

1:09:57.560 --> 1:10:00.639
<v Speaker 2>it's for kids, and there was like a part where

1:10:00.640 --> 1:10:03.479
<v Speaker 2>they were talking about segregation and how they were how

1:10:03.479 --> 1:10:05.920
<v Speaker 2>they were talking about it was very like surface, but

1:10:05.960 --> 1:10:08.160
<v Speaker 2>it got to the point but she wanted to she

1:10:08.160 --> 1:10:10.479
<v Speaker 2>didn't understand it, and she was asking me, like, why

1:10:10.479 --> 1:10:13.479
<v Speaker 2>are those kids being mean to her? And I was like, well,

1:10:13.479 --> 1:10:16.439
<v Speaker 2>because they don't look like her and so they don't

1:10:16.479 --> 1:10:18.560
<v Speaker 2>understand that we're all the same and we should be

1:10:18.600 --> 1:10:21.680
<v Speaker 2>treated equally. And she's like why because they're white, And

1:10:21.720 --> 1:10:24.200
<v Speaker 2>I was like, yeah.

1:10:25.280 --> 1:10:26.920
<v Speaker 3>If in that moment that's the true.

1:10:28.040 --> 1:10:29.880
<v Speaker 2>I didn't want to lie to her like that's not

1:10:30.000 --> 1:10:32.479
<v Speaker 2>fair either, but also like I don't want her living

1:10:32.520 --> 1:10:34.439
<v Speaker 2>her life having a chip on her shoulder. I want

1:10:34.479 --> 1:10:37.520
<v Speaker 2>her to experience people and come to her own conclusion

1:10:37.560 --> 1:10:39.800
<v Speaker 2>about people, not because her mommy said something in the

1:10:39.840 --> 1:10:42.400
<v Speaker 2>car one day and white people are bad. Like I

1:10:42.439 --> 1:10:46.800
<v Speaker 2>was like, fuck no, because because I come from a

1:10:46.880 --> 1:10:50.519
<v Speaker 2>multi cultural family, I'm not all black on my family.

1:10:50.560 --> 1:10:53.040
<v Speaker 2>My grandfather was Irish and Portuguese. He looked like a

1:10:53.080 --> 1:10:55.720
<v Speaker 2>white man he identified as well. I don't know if

1:10:55.720 --> 1:10:57.439
<v Speaker 2>he identified as white. Actually that's a good question. I

1:10:57.439 --> 1:10:59.720
<v Speaker 2>wish I could ask him that he's no longer here

1:11:00.040 --> 1:11:03.640
<v Speaker 2>you missy pop up. But like I looked at him

1:11:03.640 --> 1:11:07.519
<v Speaker 2>as white, you know, And it's a part of me

1:11:07.640 --> 1:11:10.120
<v Speaker 2>that I just never I've never really embraced because I

1:11:10.120 --> 1:11:13.040
<v Speaker 2>didn't feel like I don't identify as white period. That's

1:11:13.080 --> 1:11:15.240
<v Speaker 2>not my experience, you know.

1:11:15.840 --> 1:11:17.760
<v Speaker 4>And so I look at our friend group, look at

1:11:17.800 --> 1:11:19.720
<v Speaker 4>our like I just saw her guessue we're trying to

1:11:19.760 --> 1:11:20.759
<v Speaker 4>like find I was like, I don't.

1:11:20.640 --> 1:11:23.000
<v Speaker 2>Really have that many black friends. Oh yeah, you were

1:11:23.000 --> 1:11:24.160
<v Speaker 2>just like I was like, texted to one of your

1:11:24.200 --> 1:11:27.920
<v Speaker 2>black friends, and I was like, wait, oh shit, hold on,

1:11:28.439 --> 1:11:30.840
<v Speaker 2>oh wait, here's one on. Hold on.

1:11:31.760 --> 1:11:35.880
<v Speaker 4>But but it's such a tricky, tricky, tricky thing because

1:11:36.840 --> 1:11:37.880
<v Speaker 4>I mean First of all, we're human.

1:11:37.880 --> 1:11:38.760
<v Speaker 2>We're gonna fuck up and not.

1:11:38.880 --> 1:11:41.400
<v Speaker 4>I mean, obviously we're the farthest thing from being like

1:11:41.680 --> 1:11:44.800
<v Speaker 4>prejudiced or racist. But and on the flip side, I

1:11:44.880 --> 1:11:47.759
<v Speaker 4>find Alna like always wanting to play in like certain

1:11:47.760 --> 1:11:50.639
<v Speaker 4>people's hair or saying like I want hair.

1:11:50.640 --> 1:11:52.000
<v Speaker 2>Flowing long hair.

1:11:51.960 --> 1:11:54.720
<v Speaker 4>Like so and slow, and I'm just like, here we go,

1:11:54.800 --> 1:11:56.519
<v Speaker 4>here we go, you know, And it's.

1:11:56.439 --> 1:11:58.719
<v Speaker 2>Just this constant fucking battle.

1:11:58.720 --> 1:12:00.120
<v Speaker 4>I don't want you to think like this is more

1:12:00.160 --> 1:12:02.479
<v Speaker 4>beautiful or this is better, and you don't have to

1:12:02.520 --> 1:12:05.400
<v Speaker 4>counteract that by saying black white people are bad or

1:12:05.720 --> 1:12:08.439
<v Speaker 4>they're not beautiful. Because I posted something one time and

1:12:08.439 --> 1:12:10.679
<v Speaker 4>everybody was like, well, why are you teaching your daughter

1:12:10.760 --> 1:12:11.839
<v Speaker 4>that white people are beautiful?

1:12:12.040 --> 1:12:13.160
<v Speaker 2>Bit I didn't say that.

1:12:13.360 --> 1:12:16.200
<v Speaker 4>Calm down, Okay, everybody knows the European standard beauty is

1:12:16.280 --> 1:12:16.840
<v Speaker 4>top notch.

1:12:17.120 --> 1:12:19.439
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but this is not a society, non in real life,

1:12:19.600 --> 1:12:21.720
<v Speaker 2>not in real life. No, obviously, I don't mean like

1:12:21.760 --> 1:12:23.280
<v Speaker 2>not top notch. I mean like, but that that's what's

1:12:23.280 --> 1:12:26.479
<v Speaker 2>going to be pushed on our kids regardless without any effort.

1:12:26.600 --> 1:12:28.880
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, so if I don't counteract it with her with

1:12:28.960 --> 1:12:31.040
<v Speaker 4>images of stuff, and I just told Erica this. We

1:12:31.040 --> 1:12:33.000
<v Speaker 4>were like watching a Laura A commercial and there's like

1:12:33.360 --> 1:12:35.800
<v Speaker 4>a multicultural one and there was like a curly haired one.

1:12:35.840 --> 1:12:37.920
<v Speaker 2>She's like, she has hair like me, and it's like, yes,

1:12:38.400 --> 1:12:42.080
<v Speaker 2>U Street does. Curly is the bomb. Curly can go

1:12:42.120 --> 1:12:42.920
<v Speaker 2>straight or curly.

1:12:42.960 --> 1:12:45.400
<v Speaker 3>So when you go on curly, I know, well, I

1:12:45.439 --> 1:12:47.880
<v Speaker 3>was just gonna say that, Like I I did not

1:12:48.080 --> 1:12:50.280
<v Speaker 3>want the hair conversation to start really early in my

1:12:50.320 --> 1:12:53.200
<v Speaker 3>house because like a lot of women, especially in my age,

1:12:53.200 --> 1:12:55.080
<v Speaker 3>like thirty and up, we all have the same story

1:12:55.160 --> 1:12:56.559
<v Speaker 3>like my mom. But I relaxed around my hair.

1:12:56.640 --> 1:12:58.800
<v Speaker 5>Yeah yeah, So I was like, I don't want her

1:12:58.840 --> 1:13:01.519
<v Speaker 5>to ask me for this. So I made the decision

1:13:01.600 --> 1:13:05.320
<v Speaker 5>not to wear my hair straight for longs. I had

1:13:05.400 --> 1:13:07.000
<v Speaker 5>locks when when I first had her, and then I

1:13:07.000 --> 1:13:09.240
<v Speaker 5>cut him off and I was like, look, we match.

1:13:09.280 --> 1:13:11.559
<v Speaker 3>We both have like a little short curly froze.

1:13:11.600 --> 1:13:14.240
<v Speaker 5>And now I'll get a blowout every once in a while,

1:13:14.280 --> 1:13:17.559
<v Speaker 5>but never like bone straight. It's still big and I

1:13:17.600 --> 1:13:20.320
<v Speaker 5>think for what I've seen with her is like she

1:13:20.360 --> 1:13:21.599
<v Speaker 5>always wants to do what I'm doing.

1:13:21.720 --> 1:13:23.960
<v Speaker 2>Me too. My I was always like, Mommy, I want

1:13:23.960 --> 1:13:25.559
<v Speaker 2>my hair to look like yours, even yesterday, I had

1:13:25.560 --> 1:13:27.479
<v Speaker 2>my hair pulled back so it looked like it was straight,

1:13:27.479 --> 1:13:29.920
<v Speaker 2>but it wasn't. She's like, can you take your hair out?

1:13:30.120 --> 1:13:31.559
<v Speaker 2>And I want your hair to look like mine.

1:13:32.040 --> 1:13:33.040
<v Speaker 3>You want to be twins.

1:13:33.400 --> 1:13:34.960
<v Speaker 4>And I I was like, I told Air cause the

1:13:35.000 --> 1:13:36.800
<v Speaker 4>other day I was like straightening my hair and she

1:13:36.920 --> 1:13:37.479
<v Speaker 4>was watching me.

1:13:37.560 --> 1:13:38.240
<v Speaker 2>Lenna was watching me.

1:13:38.320 --> 1:13:42.160
<v Speaker 4>I was like, Fuck, I'm doing everything I'm I preach

1:13:42.200 --> 1:13:43.960
<v Speaker 4>against and you know.

1:13:43.960 --> 1:13:45.920
<v Speaker 2>And it's so funny cause I'm so pro black. I'm

1:13:45.920 --> 1:13:47.719
<v Speaker 2>so pro this, and.

1:13:49.240 --> 1:13:51.040
<v Speaker 3>I don't think it takes away.

1:13:50.640 --> 1:13:51.759
<v Speaker 2>I I it doesn't.

1:13:52.240 --> 1:13:54.920
<v Speaker 4>But like I realized, like cause when I was pregnant,

1:13:54.960 --> 1:13:58.800
<v Speaker 4>I shaved my head and just started a new Yeah.

1:13:59.080 --> 1:14:01.440
<v Speaker 4>But I hate to say this and it's the shallowest

1:14:01.680 --> 1:14:05.439
<v Speaker 4>part of me. But like living in LA and being

1:14:05.479 --> 1:14:13.320
<v Speaker 4>a black girl with a fade, I mean it works

1:14:13.320 --> 1:14:14.160
<v Speaker 4>for like Amber Rose.

1:14:14.400 --> 1:14:16.840
<v Speaker 3>I don't know my best friend, her name's Ayana. She

1:14:17.600 --> 1:14:18.960
<v Speaker 3>kills a faith so heals you.

1:14:19.400 --> 1:14:22.559
<v Speaker 4>But like I realized in those moments, like granted I

1:14:22.600 --> 1:14:25.200
<v Speaker 4>was pregnant, and like after it got like a certain land,

1:14:25.320 --> 1:14:27.800
<v Speaker 4>like a curly Friday, like I started getting braids, but

1:14:28.240 --> 1:14:31.439
<v Speaker 4>it made me realize, like it's me like I'm insecure

1:14:31.439 --> 1:14:32.720
<v Speaker 4>about it, Like I don't want to go to the

1:14:32.720 --> 1:14:35.600
<v Speaker 4>club because I don't want I don't want to risk.

1:14:35.920 --> 1:14:38.080
<v Speaker 2>Someone being like, oh, you guys can get in, but

1:14:38.160 --> 1:14:38.519
<v Speaker 2>not her.

1:14:39.040 --> 1:14:41.680
<v Speaker 4>Because growing up in La, first of all, I know

1:14:41.760 --> 1:14:43.639
<v Speaker 4>we've been going to the club for like four thousand years,

1:14:44.200 --> 1:14:47.760
<v Speaker 4>way before we were twenty one. I've seen so much

1:14:48.000 --> 1:14:50.840
<v Speaker 4>racial profiling at the club in Hollywood.

1:14:51.080 --> 1:14:52.840
<v Speaker 2>First of all, most of my friends, I'm not even

1:14:52.880 --> 1:14:55.080
<v Speaker 2>just the club because you cannot say your hair you

1:14:55.120 --> 1:14:58.000
<v Speaker 2>did not not You're not basing your hair based off

1:14:58.000 --> 1:15:01.120
<v Speaker 2>the club. First of all, hair, because that's what it

1:15:01.200 --> 1:15:02.519
<v Speaker 2>sounds like right now, I.

1:15:04.439 --> 1:15:11.280
<v Speaker 6>Need club hair, must get into the club. But I

1:15:11.320 --> 1:15:13.479
<v Speaker 6>do get like in La, it's hard because you do

1:15:13.560 --> 1:15:14.760
<v Speaker 6>feel like I know.

1:15:14.720 --> 1:15:18.479
<v Speaker 2>What your point is. I have to clarify that because

1:15:18.520 --> 1:15:20.360
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, oh, people are going to think me.

1:15:21.680 --> 1:15:23.600
<v Speaker 3>So I told my husband all the time, I was like,

1:15:23.960 --> 1:15:25.639
<v Speaker 3>I was telling I'm like, you have no idea, how

1:15:25.680 --> 1:15:28.280
<v Speaker 3>fine I am south of the Tin, Like, when I

1:15:28.360 --> 1:15:31.280
<v Speaker 3>go south of the Tin, I'm in. I'm I'm that chip.

1:15:31.640 --> 1:15:35.760
<v Speaker 3>But otherwise I can get ignored pretty easily, depends on

1:15:35.760 --> 1:15:36.280
<v Speaker 3>where you're going.

1:15:36.479 --> 1:15:40.080
<v Speaker 2>I'm so tainted to Inglewood. Yeah, I do. I think

1:15:40.160 --> 1:15:43.960
<v Speaker 2>a lot of our hair choices are revolved around men

1:15:44.400 --> 1:15:48.679
<v Speaker 2>would think, because I've noticed as curly hair girl, that

1:15:49.000 --> 1:15:54.519
<v Speaker 2>it's changed now because curly is it's in now, all right,

1:15:54.560 --> 1:15:57.080
<v Speaker 2>then has been in for a while a few years,

1:15:57.160 --> 1:15:59.840
<v Speaker 2>four or five years. But before that, I would notice

1:15:59.880 --> 1:16:01.439
<v Speaker 2>that I would get so much more attention when my

1:16:01.439 --> 1:16:04.080
<v Speaker 2>hair was straight. Yep. Sometimes my hair could get like

1:16:04.080 --> 1:16:05.719
<v Speaker 2>I used to have longer hand it was very big,

1:16:05.960 --> 1:16:08.519
<v Speaker 2>like a big aff, like big curl curly afro. So

1:16:08.520 --> 1:16:10.960
<v Speaker 2>I would get attention for that too, yep, because it's

1:16:10.960 --> 1:16:15.000
<v Speaker 2>like an accessory. But it was like different attention. May'd

1:16:15.040 --> 1:16:17.040
<v Speaker 2>be like, damn, your hair so flying, that's so dope.

1:16:17.040 --> 1:16:17.559
<v Speaker 2>And on my hair is.

1:16:17.520 --> 1:16:20.400
<v Speaker 5>Straight, be like, oh you're so sexy, Yes, you fine,

1:16:20.760 --> 1:16:23.800
<v Speaker 5>and and then like we can't we can't not talk

1:16:23.800 --> 1:16:28.280
<v Speaker 5>about like how certain textures are preferred and not every

1:16:28.280 --> 1:16:30.040
<v Speaker 5>black woman is gonna have actual curls.

1:16:30.040 --> 1:16:32.160
<v Speaker 3>It might just like be kinky afro texture.

1:16:32.240 --> 1:16:34.040
<v Speaker 2>Your hair is literally exactly like my daughter.

1:16:35.120 --> 1:16:35.559
<v Speaker 3>I saw that.

1:16:35.600 --> 1:16:36.880
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, that's what I.

1:16:38.320 --> 1:16:41.840
<v Speaker 5>But I I was very aware of that too, like

1:16:41.840 --> 1:16:44.240
<v Speaker 5>when when wearing my hair, like especially if I really

1:16:44.320 --> 1:16:46.320
<v Speaker 5>like take time to make them define and like use

1:16:46.360 --> 1:16:46.880
<v Speaker 5>the product the way.

1:16:47.479 --> 1:16:48.280
<v Speaker 2>That's a whole difference.

1:16:48.280 --> 1:16:50.280
<v Speaker 5>And then if everyone I get so many more compliments,

1:16:50.280 --> 1:16:52.080
<v Speaker 5>like when it's really defined, oh my god, your hair

1:16:52.160 --> 1:16:54.040
<v Speaker 5>so beautiful, it was just like kind of big and poofy,

1:16:54.200 --> 1:16:57.240
<v Speaker 5>or like oh hey, I'm like okay, So the more

1:16:57.280 --> 1:16:59.960
<v Speaker 5>I can make it look like almost wet, then we're

1:17:00.120 --> 1:17:01.920
<v Speaker 5>just like, yeah, that's the look right there. And so

1:17:02.680 --> 1:17:06.160
<v Speaker 5>I've had conversations with friends, like especially my friends that

1:17:06.280 --> 1:17:08.320
<v Speaker 5>don't have curly hair. They're like, so I'm doing twist

1:17:08.400 --> 1:17:12.720
<v Speaker 5>outs and breakouts like anything, trying to texture, and I'm

1:17:12.760 --> 1:17:15.760
<v Speaker 5>just like, I wouldn't even I wouldn't want to do that.

1:17:15.840 --> 1:17:17.479
<v Speaker 5>So it's like you can't even be like, oh, be

1:17:17.560 --> 1:17:19.719
<v Speaker 5>natural to every woman because this is washing.

1:17:19.800 --> 1:17:19.960
<v Speaker 2>Gohugh.

1:17:20.040 --> 1:17:22.760
<v Speaker 3>So I'm like, great, hour and twenty minutes we end.

1:17:22.760 --> 1:17:24.880
<v Speaker 3>We out. If I had to sit and twist every night,

1:17:25.680 --> 1:17:27.439
<v Speaker 3>i'd either be baldhead or lace.

1:17:27.479 --> 1:17:33.040
<v Speaker 2>For watching YouTube tutorials, I'm like, who has time twist

1:17:33.200 --> 1:17:35.760
<v Speaker 2>every night? I'm like, and this video was sped up,

1:17:35.760 --> 1:17:39.760
<v Speaker 2>so I know this shit took about one hour. Rod yeah,

1:17:39.800 --> 1:17:42.880
<v Speaker 2>the rods, Yeah, I tried, and they're uncomfortable and I

1:17:42.920 --> 1:17:44.200
<v Speaker 2>look better with shorter hair.

1:17:44.640 --> 1:17:48.120
<v Speaker 4>And honestly, like a short curly fro is not that

1:17:48.240 --> 1:17:49.920
<v Speaker 4>cute on me, Like I mean, I've had it.

1:17:50.120 --> 1:17:52.080
<v Speaker 2>It's look kind of cute, but like there's no versatility.

1:17:52.240 --> 1:17:54.479
<v Speaker 2>Actually your hair. When we did the shoot and we

1:17:54.560 --> 1:17:56.880
<v Speaker 2>have that little mini fro, curly hair on it, look

1:17:56.960 --> 1:18:00.000
<v Speaker 2>you looked hellicute and that hair. It takes a long

1:18:00.120 --> 1:18:02.360
<v Speaker 2>You have to unfuck yourself, I know.

1:18:02.560 --> 1:18:08.920
<v Speaker 4>But even this whole conversation, it's all about how we

1:18:09.040 --> 1:18:15.240
<v Speaker 4>allow social stigmas and social like other people's opinions to

1:18:15.320 --> 1:18:18.240
<v Speaker 4>shame us, shame us, and that goes into beauty, that

1:18:18.280 --> 1:18:20.240
<v Speaker 4>goes into our sexual past and history.

1:18:20.240 --> 1:18:24.360
<v Speaker 2>They're just every other. Everything is so like and.

1:18:24.479 --> 1:18:26.719
<v Speaker 4>And I'd like to say that I'm like, I don't

1:18:27.040 --> 1:18:29.639
<v Speaker 4>I don't give a fuck about people's opinions. But even

1:18:29.680 --> 1:18:32.760
<v Speaker 4>in these conversations, I'm like, oh shit, I'm fucked up

1:18:33.360 --> 1:18:34.679
<v Speaker 4>because I'm first.

1:18:34.439 --> 1:18:36.040
<v Speaker 2>Of all, I'm not obsessed with going to the club

1:18:36.080 --> 1:18:38.799
<v Speaker 2>because not anymore.

1:18:41.760 --> 1:18:45.160
<v Speaker 4>But like, especially growing up in the valley, being like

1:18:45.560 --> 1:18:49.639
<v Speaker 4>one of three black people, it's impossible to not notice

1:18:49.640 --> 1:18:50.200
<v Speaker 4>certain things.

1:18:50.240 --> 1:18:52.840
<v Speaker 2>It's impossible to not be aware of yourself. It's not

1:18:52.960 --> 1:18:55.960
<v Speaker 2>impossible to not see what guys early on in your

1:18:56.000 --> 1:18:59.360
<v Speaker 2>youth are attracted to and how can I fit into that.

1:19:00.360 --> 1:19:03.519
<v Speaker 2>I used to remember like dreaming, like praying, like oh,

1:19:03.560 --> 1:19:03.840
<v Speaker 2>I just.

1:19:03.760 --> 1:19:05.840
<v Speaker 9>Want to get in the pool and swiam and get

1:19:05.840 --> 1:19:10.080
<v Speaker 9>out and like shake my hair so annoying, Why God,

1:19:10.439 --> 1:19:12.920
<v Speaker 9>why why can't I just go with the pool like

1:19:12.960 --> 1:19:13.759
<v Speaker 9>everybody else?

1:19:14.000 --> 1:19:16.160
<v Speaker 4>Like it was the end of my world, like I

1:19:16.160 --> 1:19:19.519
<v Speaker 4>couldn't understand it. And of course I love myself. Of

1:19:19.520 --> 1:19:21.400
<v Speaker 4>course I love my natural hair. Like do I feel

1:19:21.439 --> 1:19:24.080
<v Speaker 4>like doing my natural hair every day? Because when I

1:19:24.160 --> 1:19:27.120
<v Speaker 4>cut it off and then grew it back, oh my god,

1:19:27.400 --> 1:19:28.479
<v Speaker 4>so much work.

1:19:28.840 --> 1:19:30.879
<v Speaker 2>Okay, it was like I was gonna live in a scarf.

1:19:31.680 --> 1:19:33.600
<v Speaker 2>It was just so once you get but once you

1:19:33.680 --> 1:19:36.800
<v Speaker 2>get into the it's all about habit and training your

1:19:36.800 --> 1:19:38.320
<v Speaker 2>hair routine.

1:19:38.479 --> 1:19:41.439
<v Speaker 5>Because I use the same three products every time. If

1:19:41.479 --> 1:19:42.720
<v Speaker 5>I run out of them, I was like, oh, then

1:19:42.760 --> 1:19:44.280
<v Speaker 5>this is a head wrap day because I don't have

1:19:44.360 --> 1:19:45.680
<v Speaker 5>my special you know.

1:19:45.960 --> 1:19:48.040
<v Speaker 4>And I don't feel like finding the products. I didn't

1:19:48.040 --> 1:19:50.240
<v Speaker 4>feel like redefining the curls. I was just like, fuck it,

1:19:50.280 --> 1:19:52.720
<v Speaker 4>cut it off and permit I know how to do

1:19:52.760 --> 1:19:55.600
<v Speaker 4>that hairstyle. Good because I've had in my whole a

1:19:55.640 --> 1:19:57.000
<v Speaker 4>doll that my hair has been short.

1:19:57.040 --> 1:20:00.559
<v Speaker 2>But this conversation is making me reflect on my self.

1:20:00.479 --> 1:20:03.479
<v Speaker 4>Guys, and I'm me as a mother and the images

1:20:03.520 --> 1:20:05.000
<v Speaker 4>I want my child to see and the ship that

1:20:05.080 --> 1:20:05.960
<v Speaker 4>I say and don't do.

1:20:07.360 --> 1:20:10.400
<v Speaker 2>So yes, I'll re examine this conversation.

1:20:10.760 --> 1:20:13.439
<v Speaker 3>I'm constantly re examining it about myself.

1:20:16.320 --> 1:20:20.759
<v Speaker 2>She we do our horri hor We have a horry submission.

1:20:20.800 --> 1:20:22.599
<v Speaker 2>Do you know what horror? I don't know if you've okay,

1:20:22.600 --> 1:20:32.760
<v Speaker 2>so you know what horror story is? Hor stories. We

1:20:32.800 --> 1:20:35.400
<v Speaker 2>have a worry from one of our listeners who is

1:20:35.520 --> 1:20:37.240
<v Speaker 2>one of our Oh no, we're allowed to say. I'm

1:20:37.240 --> 1:20:38.640
<v Speaker 2>not gonna say her now. I'm just gonna say, we

1:20:38.720 --> 1:20:40.639
<v Speaker 2>love you, hey girl, hay.

1:20:40.560 --> 1:20:49.479
<v Speaker 4>Uy, Okay. Once upon a time, I'm excid. So many

1:20:49.600 --> 1:20:52.080
<v Speaker 4>years ago I had a fuck buddy. The dick was

1:20:52.120 --> 1:20:55.640
<v Speaker 4>a one girth and lem plus he could pick me up.

1:20:55.840 --> 1:20:58.800
<v Speaker 4>Mind you, I'm well over two hundred pounds attached to

1:20:58.840 --> 1:20:59.400
<v Speaker 4>that bomb.

1:20:59.479 --> 1:21:01.839
<v Speaker 2>Dick was broke dude who.

1:21:01.680 --> 1:21:05.880
<v Speaker 4>Couch dived from relative to relative's place. I shamelessly fucked

1:21:05.920 --> 1:21:10.040
<v Speaker 4>him at the club, his grandma's, numerous friend's houses, my place,

1:21:10.080 --> 1:21:13.200
<v Speaker 4>when the kids were gone. One day, I'm at work

1:21:13.240 --> 1:21:15.920
<v Speaker 4>in West LA and I get a sext from him.

1:21:16.520 --> 1:21:17.760
<v Speaker 2>He's staying in Palmdale.

1:21:17.760 --> 1:21:20.760
<v Speaker 4>At this point, my brain was like, no, bitch, we

1:21:20.840 --> 1:21:23.839
<v Speaker 4>are not driving two hours for the d My pussy

1:21:24.000 --> 1:21:27.599
<v Speaker 4>was like, bitch, we are going on this sex venture.

1:21:28.760 --> 1:21:31.320
<v Speaker 4>I tell my boss I'm not feeling well and start

1:21:31.360 --> 1:21:31.920
<v Speaker 4>my journey.

1:21:32.600 --> 1:21:33.120
<v Speaker 2>I can't.

1:21:34.080 --> 1:21:36.599
<v Speaker 4>I get there and we immediately go at it. As

1:21:36.640 --> 1:21:39.280
<v Speaker 4>I'm riding him and about to come, I also feel

1:21:39.280 --> 1:21:39.559
<v Speaker 4>like I.

1:21:39.520 --> 1:21:40.080
<v Speaker 2>Have to poop.

1:21:41.880 --> 1:21:46.439
<v Speaker 4>I cannot. I ignore my body and get mine. Then

1:21:46.880 --> 1:21:55.960
<v Speaker 4>I smell poop. I am horrified and embarrassed. I tell

1:21:56.040 --> 1:22:00.240
<v Speaker 4>him to hand me the wipes and look away.

1:22:00.920 --> 1:22:04.599
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, girl. We are in a mini mansion,

1:22:04.920 --> 1:22:05.240
<v Speaker 2>so he.

1:22:05.280 --> 1:22:07.240
<v Speaker 4>Goes to one side of the house to shower and

1:22:07.280 --> 1:22:09.760
<v Speaker 4>I go to another. I'm sitting there like he will

1:22:09.840 --> 1:22:13.120
<v Speaker 4>never want to fuck me again. Psych As I'm wrapping

1:22:13.200 --> 1:22:15.559
<v Speaker 4>up my shower, he hops it and fucks me there

1:22:16.000 --> 1:22:18.640
<v Speaker 4>in the kitchen garage everywhere.

1:22:19.200 --> 1:22:20.280
<v Speaker 2>Fast forward two years.

1:22:20.160 --> 1:22:22.559
<v Speaker 4>Later, He's now married with two kids, and every now

1:22:22.600 --> 1:22:24.680
<v Speaker 4>and then he texts to check in on me and

1:22:24.760 --> 1:22:29.040
<v Speaker 4>ask if I'm having accidents, and no, never have till

1:22:29.040 --> 1:22:29.439
<v Speaker 4>this day.

1:22:29.479 --> 1:22:31.599
<v Speaker 2>No one has ever tested the limitations of my.

1:22:31.560 --> 1:22:34.600
<v Speaker 4>Body the way this man has the best stick is

1:22:34.600 --> 1:22:36.160
<v Speaker 4>always attached to a fuck boy.

1:22:37.120 --> 1:22:37.439
<v Speaker 2>Amen.

1:22:38.800 --> 1:22:40.160
<v Speaker 3>So he sucked the shit out of her.

1:22:40.840 --> 1:22:43.759
<v Speaker 2>Literally, I have so many questions. Was it in her ass?

1:22:44.360 --> 1:22:46.559
<v Speaker 2>I don't think so, Oh, you know what you will. Actually,

1:22:46.760 --> 1:22:49.040
<v Speaker 2>this is not the first poop story I've heard of.

1:22:49.640 --> 1:22:51.840
<v Speaker 2>My other girlfriend who is actually a listener, and she's

1:22:51.840 --> 1:22:54.080
<v Speaker 2>probably listening to it now. This is gonna listen to

1:22:54.120 --> 1:22:58.799
<v Speaker 2>this on Wednesday. I mean today is has a similar

1:22:58.840 --> 1:23:02.519
<v Speaker 2>situation where she was right her guy and who can

1:23:02.520 --> 1:23:04.000
<v Speaker 2>I and.

1:23:04.479 --> 1:23:05.719
<v Speaker 3>Was it wasn't anal either?

1:23:06.680 --> 1:23:07.000
<v Speaker 2>Wow?

1:23:07.200 --> 1:23:09.080
<v Speaker 3>Because I'm always afraid it's gonna happen during anal.

1:23:09.240 --> 1:23:12.080
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, never worry about it any other time. Right now

1:23:12.120 --> 1:23:14.240
<v Speaker 2>I'm scared, thinks right.

1:23:14.840 --> 1:23:16.840
<v Speaker 3>Okay, so empty your bows before the dick.

1:23:17.720 --> 1:23:19.920
<v Speaker 2>You never felt like that, like when you're like in

1:23:20.160 --> 1:23:22.160
<v Speaker 2>like you're coming or an orgasm, because you know, it's

1:23:22.160 --> 1:23:24.599
<v Speaker 2>like a push sensation. It's like almost feels like you're

1:23:24.600 --> 1:23:28.200
<v Speaker 2>pushing a little bit. Never only I've only gotten scared

1:23:28.240 --> 1:23:28.679
<v Speaker 2>during anal.

1:23:30.680 --> 1:23:42.400
<v Speaker 7>I probably happy like quietly, not with the sound effect.

1:23:42.840 --> 1:23:45.639
<v Speaker 4>I mean, I've had a bad experience with an anal situation.

1:23:47.000 --> 1:23:50.600
<v Speaker 4>I know, mortified, but I mean, how can you be

1:23:50.640 --> 1:23:53.120
<v Speaker 4>mortified you already know the risk. Yeah that's how I

1:23:53.120 --> 1:23:56.559
<v Speaker 4>feel like, but still it's still mortifying.

1:23:56.600 --> 1:23:57.120
<v Speaker 2>But you know, I.

1:23:57.080 --> 1:24:00.840
<v Speaker 5>Honestly like if I if I feel like it's gonna

1:24:00.840 --> 1:24:03.080
<v Speaker 5>be happening, like that's what I'm really clean about my diet.

1:24:03.120 --> 1:24:05.000
<v Speaker 5>I'm like, Okay, we're eating all this fast food and ship,

1:24:05.040 --> 1:24:06.080
<v Speaker 5>I gotta be well, that's.

1:24:06.000 --> 1:24:07.840
<v Speaker 3>Even my ruffage.

1:24:08.200 --> 1:24:11.280
<v Speaker 4>I asked my gay friend and he said they fast

1:24:11.400 --> 1:24:14.840
<v Speaker 4>for like twelve hours and but yeah, who has time.

1:24:14.920 --> 1:24:16.880
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I'm not gonna do watch what I'm eating.

1:24:16.880 --> 1:24:20.880
<v Speaker 2>Who's that prepared? Yeah, I don't know. I can't. It's

1:24:20.960 --> 1:24:25.240
<v Speaker 2>too much, like too much, there's too much with that.

1:24:25.320 --> 1:24:26.800
<v Speaker 3>I feel like there has to be some prep work

1:24:26.880 --> 1:24:28.000
<v Speaker 3>with anal, like just.

1:24:28.880 --> 1:24:31.200
<v Speaker 4>Like I felt like put the wash cloth with your

1:24:31.240 --> 1:24:33.400
<v Speaker 4>two fingers and do like I've never had a problem

1:24:33.439 --> 1:24:36.479
<v Speaker 4>even and I'm never prepared either, and also like not

1:24:36.600 --> 1:24:40.439
<v Speaker 4>gonna win because that is and also at my stomach issues.

1:24:40.479 --> 1:24:42.840
<v Speaker 2>So I've always been like, should I be doing this

1:24:42.920 --> 1:24:47.120
<v Speaker 2>because the bitch Sometimes that's the making ship. So I

1:24:47.120 --> 1:24:50.599
<v Speaker 2>get real nervous, but it's never happened. Oh, my god, it.

1:24:50.600 --> 1:24:52.920
<v Speaker 4>Happened to me and like, luckily it wasn't like smelly.

1:24:53.560 --> 1:24:55.120
<v Speaker 4>I was like, are you sharing his I'm sure, I'm like,

1:24:55.479 --> 1:24:59.000
<v Speaker 4>look away, go away, stop talking, don't don't speak of

1:24:59.040 --> 1:24:59.400
<v Speaker 4>this again.

1:25:01.200 --> 1:25:02.519
<v Speaker 2>I don't remember me.

1:25:03.120 --> 1:25:07.920
<v Speaker 4>I think I was like, just go you can't make

1:25:08.000 --> 1:25:11.360
<v Speaker 4>up out like I'm never much. I don't know what

1:25:11.360 --> 1:25:13.920
<v Speaker 4>you're talking about. Never happen to turn on the movie.

1:25:14.400 --> 1:25:16.160
<v Speaker 4>Literally like I don't. I'm one of those people like

1:25:16.280 --> 1:25:20.080
<v Speaker 4>even okay, if you follow me on Instagram Mila underscore Mapo,

1:25:20.680 --> 1:25:22.880
<v Speaker 4>sometimes I get drunk and show my boobs on my

1:25:22.920 --> 1:25:24.200
<v Speaker 4>Insta story.

1:25:24.800 --> 1:25:27.800
<v Speaker 2>I actually all miss all the time. If I get

1:25:27.800 --> 1:25:28.360
<v Speaker 2>too drunk.

1:25:28.479 --> 1:25:30.720
<v Speaker 4>The next day, I'm like what, I get all these

1:25:30.800 --> 1:25:33.599
<v Speaker 4>dms and I've known, I know I've done it. I'm

1:25:33.640 --> 1:25:36.160
<v Speaker 4>so embarrassed. I won't look at them. I just I

1:25:36.200 --> 1:25:39.559
<v Speaker 4>justly it didn't happen that way. I will not look

1:25:39.600 --> 1:25:40.800
<v Speaker 4>at what I've done the night before.

1:25:40.840 --> 1:25:43.240
<v Speaker 2>Because I get Jamila in a photo booth drunk, Because

1:25:43.320 --> 1:25:46.880
<v Speaker 2>guaranteed I have so many photo with pictures at different

1:25:46.960 --> 1:25:48.600
<v Speaker 2>locations of Jamila's.

1:25:48.160 --> 1:25:49.840
<v Speaker 4>Boobs, you would think my boobs were like the most

1:25:49.880 --> 1:25:53.640
<v Speaker 4>volumptuous big double dtitties you could find you.

1:25:53.800 --> 1:25:55.800
<v Speaker 2>I can't keep them in the shirt, but I get drunk.

1:25:56.240 --> 1:25:58.040
<v Speaker 4>You would think I'm the top of this model of

1:25:58.080 --> 1:26:01.599
<v Speaker 4>the century because they will not stay in the shirt.

1:26:02.080 --> 1:26:05.639
<v Speaker 2>But anyway, thank you for that, Horri. That was grand,

1:26:05.720 --> 1:26:07.960
<v Speaker 2>That was great. Thanks Gross, But you know what, that

1:26:08.040 --> 1:26:08.880
<v Speaker 2>was a lesson from God.

1:26:09.000 --> 1:26:11.479
<v Speaker 4>You knew better than to be driving to Palmdale's missing

1:26:11.600 --> 1:26:14.280
<v Speaker 4>work for that dick, work from broke Dick.

1:26:15.160 --> 1:26:16.320
<v Speaker 3>What's happened to the best of us?

1:26:16.960 --> 1:26:17.360
<v Speaker 2>I've done.

1:26:17.960 --> 1:26:20.439
<v Speaker 3>I haven't left work for it, so I haven't.

1:26:20.560 --> 1:26:23.240
<v Speaker 2>No, No, I've done some weird but I have that.

1:26:23.360 --> 1:26:26.640
<v Speaker 2>I've done some fake, faking, fake sick, all types of

1:26:26.680 --> 1:26:28.920
<v Speaker 2>ship like I should go to hell. People call a

1:26:29.000 --> 1:26:31.680
<v Speaker 2>work in ten minutes. People then people then die for

1:26:31.720 --> 1:26:37.439
<v Speaker 2>the dick. Someone died. I'm so sorry to come get

1:26:37.479 --> 1:26:41.280
<v Speaker 2>me on my break for the dick. Oh my god. Anyway,

1:26:41.320 --> 1:26:42.960
<v Speaker 2>I got to go because I just realized what time

1:26:43.000 --> 1:26:47.519
<v Speaker 2>it is. Oh shit. But anyway, thank you guys for

1:26:47.560 --> 1:26:49.439
<v Speaker 2>tuning in and tell us where to reach you.

1:26:50.120 --> 1:26:53.240
<v Speaker 5>Yes, you can find me at on the fence dot life.

1:26:53.760 --> 1:26:55.559
<v Speaker 5>That's where you can find out about the conversation I'm

1:26:55.560 --> 1:26:58.479
<v Speaker 5>having with Elizabeth and what day is that? That's going

1:26:58.560 --> 1:27:03.400
<v Speaker 5>to be on Thursday, the twenty first, asking and then yes,

1:27:03.439 --> 1:27:05.200
<v Speaker 5>February twenty first, second.

1:27:04.920 --> 1:27:07.360
<v Speaker 2>Tomorrow and where oh that's tomorrow.

1:27:07.720 --> 1:27:11.479
<v Speaker 4>No, we are lying, this comes out on the twentyeth Okay,

1:27:11.520 --> 1:27:13.439
<v Speaker 4>so tomorrow at Rita House.

1:27:13.600 --> 1:27:16.360
<v Speaker 5>Uh, that's Riata House is a coworking co working space.

1:27:16.479 --> 1:27:19.080
<v Speaker 5>It's on third, like right down the street from the Grove.

1:27:19.640 --> 1:27:23.120
<v Speaker 5>Gorgeous space. It looks like the old Hollywood glamorous house.

1:27:23.160 --> 1:27:25.719
<v Speaker 5>And I wanted the conversation to feel like it's happening

1:27:25.720 --> 1:27:28.400
<v Speaker 5>in a living room. So it's a fireside chat with

1:27:28.479 --> 1:27:31.840
<v Speaker 5>an actual fireplace and hopefully it'll be cold enough tomorrow

1:27:31.840 --> 1:27:32.160
<v Speaker 5>where we.

1:27:32.080 --> 1:27:35.920
<v Speaker 3>Can light it and and they can RSVP. And yeah,

1:27:35.960 --> 1:27:37.320
<v Speaker 3>all that information is on my page.

1:27:37.320 --> 1:27:39.679
<v Speaker 5>So if you follow me on Instagram, on the Fence

1:27:39.680 --> 1:27:41.960
<v Speaker 5>dot Life, that's also the website is on the.

1:27:41.880 --> 1:27:45.559
<v Speaker 3>Fence do life and you can get tickets there. And yeah,

1:27:45.600 --> 1:27:47.280
<v Speaker 3>I hope to see y'all there.

1:27:47.360 --> 1:27:48.040
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, we'll be there.

1:27:48.560 --> 1:27:49.760
<v Speaker 3>Good conversation.

1:27:51.200 --> 1:27:54.160
<v Speaker 2>And make sure you ch make sure you I don't

1:27:54.160 --> 1:27:56.800
<v Speaker 2>know if you've subscribed to our newsletter, but you should

1:27:56.800 --> 1:27:59.800
<v Speaker 2>definitely subscribe to our newsletter. It's on our website. For

1:27:59.840 --> 1:28:01.520
<v Speaker 2>all things.

1:28:02.000 --> 1:28:06.440
<v Speaker 4>Us, more of us and more of us if Instagram

1:28:06.479 --> 1:28:07.719
<v Speaker 4>and our website is not enough.

1:28:07.840 --> 1:28:11.720
<v Speaker 2>Well, updates on things we maybe missed on the podcast.

1:28:11.800 --> 1:28:15.040
<v Speaker 2>Also events, speaking of which, we have our first year,

1:28:15.080 --> 1:28:17.400
<v Speaker 2>our one year anniversary coming up and we're having a

1:28:17.439 --> 1:28:22.320
<v Speaker 2>party March sixteenth. You can get the details on newsletter

1:28:22.400 --> 1:28:27.400
<v Speaker 2>the newsletter Good Momsbad Choices dot com. Yes, and also

1:28:27.439 --> 1:28:30.080
<v Speaker 2>make sure to follow us at Good Mom's Bad Choices,

1:28:30.320 --> 1:28:31.880
<v Speaker 2>Good Mom's Underscore Bad Choices.

1:28:31.920 --> 1:28:32.080
<v Speaker 3>Wow.

1:28:33.720 --> 1:28:37.920
<v Speaker 2>But yeah, anyway, Bye bye, you guys, have a great week.

1:28:41.520 --> 1:28:46.320
<v Speaker 1>I think I really want to go some day month

1:28:49.200 --> 1:28:52.479
<v Speaker 1>and the heen mayday.

1:28:53.960 --> 1:28:55.840
<v Speaker 10>He love baby want to smoke on Madrid And I've

1:28:55.840 --> 1:28:56.760
<v Speaker 10>already even close to me.

1:28:56.840 --> 1:28:59.800
<v Speaker 3>Said, oh love bro brother dance, litt baby dance, little baby.

1:28:59.760 --> 1:29:01.880
<v Speaker 10>Small niggas off the castoline so the back was in

1:29:01.960 --> 1:29:04.200
<v Speaker 10>the back was up it lavishly. Ooh, that's my man.

1:29:04.160 --> 1:29:06.000
<v Speaker 2>To go back. I know my nigga liked me.

1:29:06.120 --> 1:29:08.000
<v Speaker 3>I know he cook his carry spicy. I know he

1:29:08.120 --> 1:29:09.040
<v Speaker 3>eat me like I'm wipey.

1:29:09.160 --> 1:29:09.639
<v Speaker 2>You know my.

1:29:09.640 --> 1:29:11.960
<v Speaker 10>Hotel over pricey, so he gonna fuck me like I'm

1:29:12.000 --> 1:29:14.360
<v Speaker 10>over classy. Bit you only use a coaster. Now I'm

1:29:14.360 --> 1:29:15.960
<v Speaker 10>swimming in the money with a duck you too, Ritter

1:29:16.000 --> 1:29:18.120
<v Speaker 10>Tony Morrison and a nigga canoe because it bentually by

1:29:18.160 --> 1:29:19.720
<v Speaker 10>a freedom, because the big second Dick and the knew

1:29:19.760 --> 1:29:22.559
<v Speaker 10>what dinas and yes and yes, I'm problematic too, and

1:29:22.680 --> 1:29:24.280
<v Speaker 10>yes and yes I look him up boy.

1:29:24.360 --> 1:29:25.240
<v Speaker 3>Yes I really do.

1:29:25.680 --> 1:29:28.439
<v Speaker 10>Protection as a wave wave because we be open too

1:29:28.800 --> 1:29:30.559
<v Speaker 10>to make the thank you for my baby.

1:29:30.640 --> 1:29:32.879
<v Speaker 2>I'm in love with you.