1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:25,760 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,479 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is 6 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,960 Speaker 1: so great to have you here. Back for another episode 7 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:35,520 Speaker 1: as we, of course break down the Psychology of your twenties. Today, 8 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 1: let's talk about change. Let's talk about transitional periods. Let's 9 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,280 Speaker 1: talk about growth progress, like the huge shifts that we 10 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:47,199 Speaker 1: experience in our twenties. These moments that are on like 11 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:51,200 Speaker 1: the precipice of something new, feel very exciting, They feel 12 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:55,560 Speaker 1: very romantic, they feel very thrilling. But let's be honest, 13 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:59,040 Speaker 1: change is one of those things that I think sounds 14 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:03,280 Speaker 1: super fun in theory, but is sometimes absolutely horrible and 15 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:07,600 Speaker 1: painful in practice. In fact, at times it I think 16 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,319 Speaker 1: it really sucks and it has us really wishing that 17 00:01:10,319 --> 00:01:14,759 Speaker 1: we'd stayed the same. We all have ambitions for kind 18 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 1: of like the ways we like to change our lives 19 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:20,080 Speaker 1: or like to live our lives. We want a new job, 20 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,240 Speaker 1: we want to move to a new city, we want 21 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:26,160 Speaker 1: better friendships, whatever it is that's currently on your goal list. 22 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:31,360 Speaker 1: It's funny that often the second, like a real opportunity 23 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:35,440 Speaker 1: to enact that occurs, or to make change happen, appears. 24 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:40,000 Speaker 1: We shrink and we find a lot of reasons not 25 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:43,240 Speaker 1: to do it. We don't feel prepared. We suddenly find 26 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:48,559 Speaker 1: ourselves sabotaging our habits and our momentum. We convince ourselves 27 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 1: we can't write when we're actually about to. I was 28 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:54,160 Speaker 1: actually speaking to a friend about this the other day 29 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:59,000 Speaker 1: who has like this terrible, horrible job, like downright workplace 30 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:02,800 Speaker 1: bullying situation. She's ready to get out, she's ready to leave, 31 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 1: but she's been working on her resume and I'm saying 32 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,040 Speaker 1: this with love. She knows I'm sharing this, But she's 33 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,440 Speaker 1: been working on her resume for three months now and 34 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:13,360 Speaker 1: hasn't applied for a single job yet. And I said 35 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,000 Speaker 1: to her, you know, I was, I asked her. I 36 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:19,000 Speaker 1: was like, live, like, you've just got to apply, even 37 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,440 Speaker 1: if it's just for practice. Why aren't you just applying 38 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:23,720 Speaker 1: even if you know you're going to get rejected? And 39 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,399 Speaker 1: she was like, well, what if I actually get the job? 40 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 1: What if I get the job and I'm not ready, 41 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 1: and my whole life changes and I'm not prepared yet. 42 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,639 Speaker 1: This is what we're talking about, This inertia, this fear. 43 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:41,040 Speaker 1: Why does this happen? Why do we resist change, especially 44 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:44,880 Speaker 1: in our twenties, when we should, supposedly, according to what 45 00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:48,160 Speaker 1: everyone around us and older than us is saying, when 46 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,440 Speaker 1: we should have all the nerve and all the goals 47 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,640 Speaker 1: in the world. In this episode, I want to unpack 48 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:57,400 Speaker 1: the very deep psychology behind this paradox, the paradox of 49 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:01,080 Speaker 1: wanting to grow but equally cling to what is the same? 50 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:06,080 Speaker 1: Does this say something about our character? Is it a 51 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,320 Speaker 1: personal flaw? Is it a human instinct? Is it anxiety? 52 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,040 Speaker 1: Is it something else? Entirely, I'm going to give you 53 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:15,519 Speaker 1: some of the answers. We'll look at why this specifically 54 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:19,560 Speaker 1: feels so scary in our twenties, why we're so afraid 55 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,080 Speaker 1: of losing what we already have, and what we might 56 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 1: actually be quietly losing, and how we might actually be 57 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:32,960 Speaker 1: losing more scientifically, mathematically, psychologically by choosing the same old 58 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,920 Speaker 1: by staying the same. I've learned in my twenty so 59 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,040 Speaker 1: far that some of the very best decisions are also 60 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:41,800 Speaker 1: the ones that terrify us the most, so I want 61 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,920 Speaker 1: to interrogate that a little bit further and hopefully convince 62 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:48,560 Speaker 1: you as well. Without further ado, let's get into it. 63 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:57,560 Speaker 1: So to kind of start us off, let's look at 64 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 1: what it is about change that feels so scary, especially 65 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:06,640 Speaker 1: in our twenties. Firstly, I think change feels particularly stressful 66 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 1: during this decade because we're just surrounded by so much 67 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:13,040 Speaker 1: of it, right We're kind of drowning in it. We 68 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,000 Speaker 1: never get a break from it, so it's hard to 69 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:20,000 Speaker 1: not fear more of it, especially the kind that could 70 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,960 Speaker 1: be randomly thrust on you at any given moment. A 71 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,280 Speaker 1: really relevant theory that comes up time and time again 72 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:31,240 Speaker 1: on the podcast is on its concept of emerging adulthood, 73 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:34,280 Speaker 1: which spans basically the late teens through the through to 74 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:37,480 Speaker 1: the end of our twenties. Typically, if I was to 75 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,880 Speaker 1: ask you, you know, what are the developmental life stages 76 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:45,599 Speaker 1: of being a human, you would probably say childhood, teen years, adulthood, 77 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:51,479 Speaker 1: late adulthood. But emerging adulthood points to this distinct life 78 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:56,160 Speaker 1: stage of like almost adulthood, where everything is kind of 79 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,200 Speaker 1: in between. You know, you're no longer a teenager, but 80 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,520 Speaker 1: you also don't feel like a settled version of yourself, 81 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,720 Speaker 1: especially not the kind that you kind of imagined as 82 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,480 Speaker 1: a child. You know, when I was a kid, I 83 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,880 Speaker 1: genuinely thought that I'd be married with my own kids 84 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:15,480 Speaker 1: by now. And what was I thinking. I don't even 85 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,520 Speaker 1: know who I am as a person yet. This period 86 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 1: of emerging adulthood has a few key battles in store 87 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:29,600 Speaker 1: for us, identity, exploration, instability, feeling in between, loneliness, and loss. 88 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:33,200 Speaker 1: It feels like because of all these battles we're facing, 89 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,080 Speaker 1: because of all these milestones were going through every six 90 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,640 Speaker 1: months of my twenties, at least, I'm like an entirely 91 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,600 Speaker 1: new person every six months. I feel like I'm just 92 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:46,240 Speaker 1: completely reborn. Like Gemma in early twenty twenty five verses now, 93 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:49,120 Speaker 1: I honestly think that me and her would struggle to 94 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:53,599 Speaker 1: even have a conversation. Just for example, For you, think 95 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 1: back over the last year of your life. There are 96 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,360 Speaker 1: parts of yourself from only twelve months ago that you 97 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:04,440 Speaker 1: probably can't relate to anymore because of how rapidly our 98 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:09,720 Speaker 1: lives change during this distinct period of life. The emotional 99 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:15,279 Speaker 1: and the psychological environment this creates means that when another 100 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:19,039 Speaker 1: big change comes along, even a positive one, you don't 101 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:22,360 Speaker 1: necessarily experience it as a fun thing or a fun 102 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:26,719 Speaker 1: little upgrade. The first thing I know, my mind goes 103 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 1: to when change is happening in my life, even good change, 104 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 1: is like, how the hell am I going to fit 105 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:33,080 Speaker 1: this in? How am I going to adapt to this? 106 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,520 Speaker 1: Am I ready for this? Do I have this space? 107 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:39,400 Speaker 1: It's something that like my mum always said to me, 108 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:43,200 Speaker 1: which is that even good stress is still stress. There's 109 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:47,200 Speaker 1: an element of cognitive overload going on. We're balancing so 110 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:51,919 Speaker 1: much involuntarily that sometimes it's hard to get excited or 111 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:57,400 Speaker 1: motivated by the change we choose because we just don't 112 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:01,159 Speaker 1: have the energy. That's the twenties explanation. That's why we 113 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:05,880 Speaker 1: specifically often you know, fall away from change during this 114 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:10,760 Speaker 1: decade and under these circumstances. Here is the more human explanation. 115 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 1: Simply put, we as humans are wired from our amigdala 116 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:20,600 Speaker 1: to our frontal lobe to prefer coherence, to prefer a 117 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:24,320 Speaker 1: sense that our life story makes sense, That we know 118 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,920 Speaker 1: kind of roughly where we are going, roughly where we've been, 119 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:31,600 Speaker 1: roughly where we are now. This, you know, a very 120 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 1: rudimentary sense of stability is really important for maintaining homeostasis, 121 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:42,240 Speaker 1: the natural equilibrium of our systems that allows us to 122 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:45,880 Speaker 1: function because we feel safe enough. Something that I heard 123 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 1: recently is like, your brain doesn't care if you're growing. 124 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 1: Your brain doesn't care if you're fulfilled. It literally only 125 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,600 Speaker 1: cares that you are safe. I'm not going to bore 126 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 1: you guys with the evolutionary perspective, because I think we 127 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:04,880 Speaker 1: all know it by now. But anything unknown, anything unknown 128 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:10,480 Speaker 1: that change brings signals danger, triggering a whole set of 129 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 1: stress based reactions that are meant to shock your body 130 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:18,400 Speaker 1: into action. These reactions also exhaust your body, and so 131 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:23,200 Speaker 1: our very smart systems learn to anticipate things that are 132 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,760 Speaker 1: going to cause this much of a shakeup and to 133 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,640 Speaker 1: be fearful of them, to be fearful of change. In contrast, 134 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 1: the known obviously signals safety and therefore the peace, peaceful, 135 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 1: and calm conditions our body needs to function properly. We 136 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:45,360 Speaker 1: are of course going to lean more towards that second state, 137 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:50,160 Speaker 1: more towards known peace, stability, safety, even if that means 138 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:56,360 Speaker 1: not really pushing ourselves. The thing is, our body's dedication 139 00:08:56,520 --> 00:09:01,679 Speaker 1: to this homeostasis often works against us because it asks 140 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:06,440 Speaker 1: us to automatically resist new things, even if those things 141 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:11,240 Speaker 1: are good for us. Your mind is in many ways 142 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 1: hardwired to want you to stay the same. It doesn't 143 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,760 Speaker 1: want to expend energy for no good reason. It's really 144 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:20,480 Speaker 1: happy how it is, because it knows what's going on. 145 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:25,000 Speaker 1: They have done study after study on this. Your body, 146 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,280 Speaker 1: as soon as you ask it to change, is going 147 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,480 Speaker 1: to dig its heels in. That is why weight loss 148 00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: is so hard. That is why quitting substances is so hard. 149 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,319 Speaker 1: That is why I'm doing relationship patterns is so hard. 150 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: Your brain is like a bike with broken handlebars that 151 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:44,160 Speaker 1: keeps steering you back in the direction you don't want 152 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 1: to go. You have to keep forcibly moving it back 153 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:51,480 Speaker 1: onto the path that you've chosen. It does this, yes, 154 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:58,199 Speaker 1: through literal biological resistance, but mainly by influencing our appraisal 155 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:02,840 Speaker 1: of any and all new situations so that we expect 156 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:06,959 Speaker 1: the worst. In behavioral economics, Daniel Carmen and Amos Travsky 157 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:11,480 Speaker 1: developed something called the prospect theory. They developed this back 158 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:15,959 Speaker 1: in the nineteen seventies, and they essentially showed that humans 159 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:20,200 Speaker 1: do not evaluate gains and losses in a balanced way. 160 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:24,800 Speaker 1: We typically want to avoid loss as much as possible, 161 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:30,400 Speaker 1: so our focus is disproportionately on what kind of losses 162 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 1: change is going to bring us. There is a larger 163 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,960 Speaker 1: assessment of those things that are scary and that we 164 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:41,040 Speaker 1: could lose versus what we have to gain. Even if 165 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,880 Speaker 1: the losses and gains are equal, even if we actually 166 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:48,360 Speaker 1: have more to gain, irrationally, our brain still keeps going 167 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,480 Speaker 1: back to what we have to lose. For example, I'll 168 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,400 Speaker 1: give you some research that backs this up. Research has 169 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,679 Speaker 1: shown that in an experimental condition where people are given 170 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:03,000 Speaker 1: fifty tokens to begin, they either gain ten additional tokens 171 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:07,600 Speaker 1: or have ten tokens randomly taken away. Later on, when 172 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,559 Speaker 1: they're asked to estimate, you know, what proportion, what percentage 173 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:17,000 Speaker 1: do you think you lost or gained in this situation, 174 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,960 Speaker 1: the people who had ten tokens taken away suggested they 175 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 1: had lost almost fifteen percent more than they actually had, 176 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 1: whereas those who had gained extras usually estimated it more accurately. 177 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,640 Speaker 1: They usually were like, yeah, around ten, around around five percent, 178 00:11:33,679 --> 00:11:36,240 Speaker 1: around ten percent, whatever it was. These people weren't just 179 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:40,000 Speaker 1: bad at math, right. What it's really showing is that 180 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:45,400 Speaker 1: our brains focus expand skew our perception of what we 181 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 1: have to lose. This means that when we encounter situations 182 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:54,880 Speaker 1: of uncertainty and change, even good change, our anticipation for 183 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,480 Speaker 1: what may go wrong will often be so much greater 184 00:11:57,559 --> 00:12:01,720 Speaker 1: than our excitement for the possibility of what will go right. 185 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:08,440 Speaker 1: This contributes to what we know as the status quo bias. Basically, 186 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 1: we'd rather stick with how things are, even if they're 187 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:15,679 Speaker 1: not amazing, because change feels too risky and too much 188 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:19,000 Speaker 1: of a burden. There's actually quite a famous paper from 189 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,240 Speaker 1: the eighties that explores this. It was published in the 190 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:26,440 Speaker 1: Journal of Risk and Uncertainty, and essentially, in a series 191 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:30,800 Speaker 1: of these decision making experiments where participants were given a 192 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:36,319 Speaker 1: default option, they disproportionately stuck with that option, even when 193 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:40,120 Speaker 1: the alternatives were objectively better. They would they could win 194 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,400 Speaker 1: twenty dollars, they could win prizes. They could also lose 195 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,240 Speaker 1: ten dollars, but they actually went for neither of those things. 196 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,280 Speaker 1: They didn't want to win twenty, they didn't want to 197 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:52,360 Speaker 1: lose ten. They just did nothing. They stuck with what 198 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:57,040 Speaker 1: they had. Now, if we apply this pattern of behavior 199 00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: to our actual lives, it you might be in a 200 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:05,080 Speaker 1: job that's all right, it's okay. You know, it pays 201 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,920 Speaker 1: the rent, it pays for your car payment. You know, 202 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,959 Speaker 1: you sort of know what you're doing. You have colleagues 203 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:13,680 Speaker 1: you chat to, but deep down you know you're not growing. 204 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,840 Speaker 1: You know, a part of you feel stuck. And then 205 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,800 Speaker 1: another opportunity appears. It's a different role, maybe it's in 206 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 1: a different city, maybe a different field. On paper, it's better, 207 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:32,319 Speaker 1: but your brain doesn't see stable job versus better job. Instead, 208 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:37,240 Speaker 1: it interprets this as loss of security, loss of familiarity, 209 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:43,040 Speaker 1: loss of routine, loss of competence, and interesting job. It 210 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:46,520 Speaker 1: doesn't assess those two is what there is to lose 211 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,120 Speaker 1: and what there is to gain accurately. You know, those 212 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:53,319 Speaker 1: potential gains more fulfillment, more alignment, more money, a more 213 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,280 Speaker 1: aligned path to our brain, to our present day brain. 214 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,559 Speaker 1: They're kind of abstract. They're in the future. They're difficult 215 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 1: to because they're not in front of you the way 216 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:06,040 Speaker 1: that the potential losses are, the way that they're very vivid, 217 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 1: because the thing you have to lose is right there. 218 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,120 Speaker 1: That again, is also why change feels so unstable, because 219 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:15,200 Speaker 1: the losses are always going to be more visual and 220 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 1: apparent versus the gains that haven't happened yet. I think 221 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:23,960 Speaker 1: it's the same dynamic in relationships as well. Leaving a 222 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:29,680 Speaker 1: relationship that isn't working or isn't quite fulfilling means potentially 223 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:33,560 Speaker 1: losing a companionship that you already understand and a history 224 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,920 Speaker 1: that you understand because you were there, and the in 225 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,040 Speaker 1: laws that you've grown to like because you see them 226 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: all the time. The idea that you know, leaving that 227 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,840 Speaker 1: person might mean you gain self respect, might mean you 228 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 1: gain in a peace, might mean that you gain a 229 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:51,920 Speaker 1: compatible partner, a more compatible partner later on that's really 230 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:55,480 Speaker 1: intangible because you haven't met them yet. You can't feel it, 231 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:59,520 Speaker 1: so it's not as emotionally weighted in the same way, 232 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: even if if you know in your heart of hearts 233 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: that this is probably, if not absolutely, one hundred percent 234 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:10,800 Speaker 1: the right decision. We can understand this a little bit 235 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:16,520 Speaker 1: further through something called terror management theory. Sounds very extreme, 236 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:22,440 Speaker 1: but it's basically a social psychology framework that suggests that 237 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:25,960 Speaker 1: suggests that a lot of our need for security, for routine, 238 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,480 Speaker 1: for self esteem is connected to the fact that we're 239 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:32,040 Speaker 1: aware that on some level life is very fragile, and 240 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:38,840 Speaker 1: life is finite. Change, especially the big, irreversible kind, rushes 241 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,960 Speaker 1: up a lot of existential fears, brushes up against this 242 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,560 Speaker 1: idea that we might not be in control, that things 243 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,320 Speaker 1: can go wrong, that we can make mistakes, that we 244 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,120 Speaker 1: only have limited time here, so we better make the 245 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:54,000 Speaker 1: right decisions. Our desire to keep returning to what we 246 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:58,800 Speaker 1: know is partly about managing our anxiety about our own fragility. 247 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,600 Speaker 1: So when you're to a situation that is fine, that 248 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:07,520 Speaker 1: is okay, you know, not great job, all right, partner city, 249 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,640 Speaker 1: that feels kind of restrictive, you might be like, why 250 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,600 Speaker 1: do I keep doing this? Why can't I move on? 251 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,000 Speaker 1: And it's because your brain is trying to protect you 252 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,600 Speaker 1: from a very real sense of loss and of uncertainty, 253 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:22,640 Speaker 1: and on a deeper level, this sense that actually nothing 254 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:26,000 Speaker 1: is guaranteed. Maybe I can't make it work in this 255 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:30,520 Speaker 1: new location, this new relationship, this new life. Your resistance 256 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 1: to change is therefore very natural. It's being influenced by 257 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:40,000 Speaker 1: a lot of I would say, very powerful, very complex processes. 258 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,160 Speaker 1: To be honest, when I look at all these things 259 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:47,320 Speaker 1: lined up, I'm surprised anybody ever takes a risk, ever 260 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:51,040 Speaker 1: like if that's what we're battling against, like existential fears, 261 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:56,400 Speaker 1: a hardwired fear of the unknown, and like neurological patterns 262 00:16:56,400 --> 00:17:00,000 Speaker 1: that don't want to break, I can't. It's pretty courageous 263 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:03,520 Speaker 1: that people ever do anything. But the thing is, And 264 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,120 Speaker 1: this is the point I think we all realize eventually. 265 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:11,080 Speaker 1: We don't only lose things when we change, we also 266 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:14,840 Speaker 1: lose things when we stay the same. Staying the same 267 00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:18,359 Speaker 1: also has a cost. When you don't apply for the 268 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,639 Speaker 1: role you're really drawn to, someone else gets it. Someone 269 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 1: else gets the mentoring and the skills and the money. 270 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,320 Speaker 1: Someone else who may have less skills than you, get 271 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,159 Speaker 1: that opportunity just because they have the bravado. When you 272 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:34,399 Speaker 1: don't move to the new city that you're daydreaming about, 273 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 1: there's a person in that new city who would have 274 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,880 Speaker 1: been your best friend. You never get to meet them. 275 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,119 Speaker 1: That relationship never happens. There's memories that are never made, 276 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,760 Speaker 1: fond memories, memories that you would have had till the 277 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,760 Speaker 1: day you die. You weren't there to make them. You know, 278 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,640 Speaker 1: when you don't leave the relationship you know is wrong 279 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,560 Speaker 1: for you, you're also blocking the space for a more 280 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:57,520 Speaker 1: compatible partner, or maybe just simply a more peaceful relationship 281 00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:01,680 Speaker 1: with yourself. This all these examples are what is known 282 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 1: as opportunity cost. It's a term from economics that's actually 283 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:09,119 Speaker 1: super applicable here. You guys know, I never missed a 284 00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:10,840 Speaker 1: moment to tell you, guys, I actually also have an 285 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,560 Speaker 1: economics degree. I have to do my humble brag every 286 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,960 Speaker 1: time it comes up. But opportunity cost is one of 287 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:20,120 Speaker 1: the concepts you learn, like on day one of microeconomics, 288 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,960 Speaker 1: and it's basically the value of the next best alternative. 289 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,760 Speaker 1: You give up when you choose something and it's something 290 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,520 Speaker 1: that it costs you, and it costs you in a 291 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:34,159 Speaker 1: way in the ways of disappointment, regret, but also in 292 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,800 Speaker 1: the ways that you could have taken all that energy 293 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:38,920 Speaker 1: and spent it on something that may have turned out better, 294 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,720 Speaker 1: and that's a cost that you have to bear by choosing. 295 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,400 Speaker 1: Every choice you make is also a set of choices 296 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 1: you don't make, and not making a choice is the 297 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,679 Speaker 1: most costly of all of those choices. Every year you 298 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,920 Speaker 1: put off going back to university is a year you're 299 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,000 Speaker 1: not getting any closer to graduating. Every month you put 300 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,080 Speaker 1: off starting that new exercise routine is another month that 301 00:19:01,119 --> 00:19:02,960 Speaker 1: you just don't feel good about yourself. You don't feel 302 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,439 Speaker 1: one hundred percent in your body, and those missed opportunities 303 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 1: they compound the way investments, you know, compound and get 304 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:14,160 Speaker 1: more expensive as well. You know how, I always think 305 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,640 Speaker 1: about it. I always think about it when I'm doubting 306 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,919 Speaker 1: or thinking do I do this thing or not? I 307 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,479 Speaker 1: always think about the people who bought a house, like 308 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,359 Speaker 1: back in the nineties, and like that running joke of like, 309 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,000 Speaker 1: if only I had twenty thousand dollars back in the nineties, 310 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,359 Speaker 1: I could be able to afford a house, And every 311 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,840 Speaker 1: year houses just get more and more expensive. Investing in skills, 312 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,960 Speaker 1: investing in change right now is like buying a house 313 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:41,320 Speaker 1: in the nineties, because in thirty years time, forty years time, 314 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:45,160 Speaker 1: you're going to have this whole life that's been built 315 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:48,320 Speaker 1: upon an investment you made back then that is compounded 316 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:52,440 Speaker 1: and compounded and compounded. Otherwise, if you don't do it, yeah, 317 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:53,920 Speaker 1: you don't have the house. You also live with the 318 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,199 Speaker 1: knowledge that you could have You could have been the 319 00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,560 Speaker 1: proud owner of the home. You could have been the 320 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,960 Speaker 1: proud owner of a highly valued life. If you've just 321 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:05,480 Speaker 1: taken the risk and embrace change. And this, right here 322 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:08,879 Speaker 1: is the final cost of not pursuing change. It's the 323 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:13,800 Speaker 1: discomfort of self portrayal, of knowing on some level that 324 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:18,159 Speaker 1: you know you abandoned your own needs and values, and 325 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,800 Speaker 1: a future version of you who now doesn't get to 326 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:26,359 Speaker 1: exist because of your resistance to things being different. The 327 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,359 Speaker 1: thing is as well, we resist change now because we 328 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:32,680 Speaker 1: think the opportunity might linger and might come up later. 329 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:36,000 Speaker 1: But over time, I think it does become harder to 330 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:41,000 Speaker 1: imagine future changes going any differently because right now you 331 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,919 Speaker 1: resisting changes, building a track record of staying, of just 332 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 1: accepting this, that this is how your life is, like 333 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,520 Speaker 1: that narrative of like this is just what it is. 334 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,240 Speaker 1: This is just what it is. It gets stronger and 335 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:57,760 Speaker 1: stronger every day you allow it to continue to exist 336 00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:01,359 Speaker 1: and not challenge it. And I'm not saying you can't 337 00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:03,879 Speaker 1: eventually change, or that you won't, or that there aren't 338 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:07,280 Speaker 1: choices out there that you will eventually take. But the 339 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:10,680 Speaker 1: thing is, some of the best decisions that we make 340 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,840 Speaker 1: in our lives are the ones that we don't feel 341 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,640 Speaker 1: prepared for, because you can never be one hundred percent 342 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,560 Speaker 1: certain that what you're going to do. The risk you 343 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,399 Speaker 1: under take is going to work out. How do we 344 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:24,880 Speaker 1: get over that mental barrier They're not knowing the uncertainty 345 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,399 Speaker 1: we're going to dive into exactly how Some steps to 346 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:39,560 Speaker 1: embrace change after this short break is to stay with us. 347 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:46,000 Speaker 1: Here's a pattern that I've noticed. I often think the 348 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,400 Speaker 1: decisions that are the most life altering are the ones 349 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:53,040 Speaker 1: that actually you don't feel calm at the time about making. 350 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,840 Speaker 1: I think are the ones that challenge you the most. 351 00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:59,160 Speaker 1: In my own life, that was like leaving my first 352 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,320 Speaker 1: long term relation this person I thought I was going 353 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,800 Speaker 1: to be with forever, or quitting my job, leaving the 354 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:08,760 Speaker 1: comfort of a paycheck to work for myself, moving cities 355 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,160 Speaker 1: to a place I didn't know anybody. None of those 356 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,440 Speaker 1: decisions were easy. I actually put them all off much 357 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:18,320 Speaker 1: longer than I needed to. I was in that relationship, 358 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,640 Speaker 1: like for six months, longer than I should have been. 359 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:23,679 Speaker 1: Same with the job. It took two years for me 360 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,440 Speaker 1: to move to London. I still don't feel one hundred 361 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:31,080 Speaker 1: percent certain about that decision. Sometimes this is because a 362 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:36,040 Speaker 1: lot of big decisions have what we call approach avoidance conflicts. 363 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,879 Speaker 1: We've talked a lot about losses and gains, as if 364 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,720 Speaker 1: a decision is either going to create all loss or 365 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:47,160 Speaker 1: all gain the theory. This theory, though, says it's probably 366 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 1: going to be a mix undesirable and desirable things. Hopefully 367 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,679 Speaker 1: the desirable things we're out we don't always know. But 368 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,159 Speaker 1: what this means is that the closer we get to 369 00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:00,760 Speaker 1: making a decision or a goal, the greater our anxiety, 370 00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:08,200 Speaker 1: but also the greater excitement the feelings. Those feelings excitement, anxiety, excitement, anxiety, fear, anxiety, excitement. 371 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:14,200 Speaker 1: They can be indistinguishable at times, so we just basically 372 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:18,199 Speaker 1: end up being overwhelmed. The spike of anxiety that you 373 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,760 Speaker 1: receive where you feel as you near a decision point 374 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:25,919 Speaker 1: is incredibly normal because you're responding to essentially an increasing 375 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,760 Speaker 1: reality that things are going to change and that you're 376 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:32,000 Speaker 1: going to have to adapt. Not a possibility anymore, a reality. 377 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:35,560 Speaker 1: I often think. You know, the more fear, the more 378 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 1: pros and cons lists that you make, the more you 379 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,560 Speaker 1: probably should go through with it, The more you probably 380 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:45,639 Speaker 1: should do it scared, because when you're scared, it points 381 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:49,320 Speaker 1: to the fact that this possibility and what is being 382 00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:52,160 Speaker 1: offered to you or what you think could come from 383 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,400 Speaker 1: this strikes a real nerve. It strikes a nerve deeply 384 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:58,199 Speaker 1: with what you value. If you didn't care, if you 385 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:01,639 Speaker 1: didn't fear this as much, if you weren't as overwhelmed 386 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:07,040 Speaker 1: by the choice, I feel like you wouldn't secretly kind 387 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,800 Speaker 1: of know that this is what you need to do. 388 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,680 Speaker 1: I don't think you'd be having such a profound emotional 389 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:16,480 Speaker 1: reaction if this thing wasn't right for you, because you 390 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:21,320 Speaker 1: wouldn't be meaningfully invested enough to feel this way. What 391 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:26,959 Speaker 1: you're experiencing is anxiety and fear about changes. Your nervous 392 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:31,280 Speaker 1: system reacting to the magnitude of possibility and the unknowing 393 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:36,800 Speaker 1: how unknown it is. And often we think that's just anxiety. 394 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:40,480 Speaker 1: A large part of it is anticipation, knowing that this 395 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:44,000 Speaker 1: has to be our reality, knowing it's only a matter 396 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,800 Speaker 1: of time until we take the plunge, knowing that things 397 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:53,480 Speaker 1: are going to be incredible. Don't let you know. Fear 398 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:57,679 Speaker 1: convince you that anticipation and excitement are the same as 399 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,640 Speaker 1: anxiety and that they're a bad thing. And but they 400 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,760 Speaker 1: alone indicate that something is a bad decision. Your emotions 401 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,040 Speaker 1: don't know anything more than you do. They don't know 402 00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:08,720 Speaker 1: they come from you. They originate from you. How do 403 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:13,800 Speaker 1: they know? I think the decisions you feel most intensely 404 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:17,119 Speaker 1: about just to nail this home, those are the ones 405 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,840 Speaker 1: your soul, your heart, whatever it is you think it is, 406 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,240 Speaker 1: whatever label you give it, there is some deep part 407 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,280 Speaker 1: of you that is most draw into them. For a reason. 408 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,679 Speaker 1: With that being said, how do we take the leap? 409 00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,159 Speaker 1: When do we know that we're ready? When do we 410 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:35,600 Speaker 1: know it's time to jump? If you've spent most of 411 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,159 Speaker 1: your life treating change as this big, scary, dramatic threat, 412 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,560 Speaker 1: you're probably not going to wake up one day and 413 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:44,200 Speaker 1: be like, cool, I suddenly love this, I'm ready to go. 414 00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:48,840 Speaker 1: A more realistic goal is just to change the story 415 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:53,720 Speaker 1: you tell yourself about what change means, or about how 416 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:58,760 Speaker 1: emotionally ready you are for it. One theory that can 417 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:03,240 Speaker 1: help here that I found is the early two thousands 418 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:08,560 Speaker 1: broaden and build theory from somebody called Barbara Frederickson. Broaden 419 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:14,320 Speaker 1: Build is fantastic, and it essentially suggests that counteracting and 420 00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:21,080 Speaker 1: limiting emotions like fear, pessimism, hopelessness with more positive emotions 421 00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:26,280 Speaker 1: like curiosity, interest, and hope widens our attentional focus and 422 00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 1: lets us see more possibilities when fear and anxiety narrow 423 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,640 Speaker 1: our focus to the threat or what we have to lose, 424 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,760 Speaker 1: because that is what they're meant to do. Curiosity and 425 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:42,040 Speaker 1: hope gently, just let you see beyond that pinpoint, or 426 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,840 Speaker 1: see beyond the worst case scenario. Let yourself feel that 427 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,720 Speaker 1: first wave of like this is going to go terrible, 428 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,320 Speaker 1: what am I doing? And then send in the second wave, 429 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:56,720 Speaker 1: send in the deliberate judgment one of curiosity and excitement. 430 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,199 Speaker 1: For example, you might think I'm terrified to move, I'm 431 00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:05,240 Speaker 1: terrified to start over, but also I'm slightly curious. I'm 432 00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,400 Speaker 1: really excited for who I might become. You might think 433 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,800 Speaker 1: leaving this relationship is going to absolutely destroy me, my 434 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:15,000 Speaker 1: life is going to be over, but also I'm a 435 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:19,439 Speaker 1: tiny bit hopeful about the opportunities I'm going to have 436 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:22,879 Speaker 1: to meet new people on the other side. Even better, 437 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:26,479 Speaker 1: if you want something super practical, you could do this 438 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,960 Speaker 1: literally right now, super practical for every way you think 439 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,679 Speaker 1: that change, for every way you think this is going 440 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,960 Speaker 1: to go wrong, for every bad thing you think change 441 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,680 Speaker 1: is going to bring into your life, write a list 442 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:41,000 Speaker 1: of the five ways it could go right, or the 443 00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:43,600 Speaker 1: five reasons that you'll be okay even if it doesn't 444 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:48,280 Speaker 1: literally counteract it as much as you physically can with 445 00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:54,000 Speaker 1: an overwhelming kind of wall of optimism and positivity and 446 00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:59,480 Speaker 1: just possibility as well. You know why I love this tip. 447 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:02,600 Speaker 1: I love tip because it proves that you can overthink 448 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,560 Speaker 1: the good stuff as well. You can overthink the positives 449 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,600 Speaker 1: as much as you can overthink the negatives. Another tip 450 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:13,439 Speaker 1: on top of this that I also swear by is 451 00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:16,159 Speaker 1: when I am at the precipice of a change and 452 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:17,720 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my God, should I do this? Should 453 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,840 Speaker 1: I not do this? I just imagine telling the story 454 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:23,719 Speaker 1: of this very moment where I make the decision in 455 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,919 Speaker 1: five or ten years time, and I imagine telling it 456 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:31,000 Speaker 1: as a success story. I imagine it as me sitting 457 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,920 Speaker 1: around at dinner table being like, this was the beginning, 458 00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:36,320 Speaker 1: this is where I this was my origin story, this 459 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:38,680 Speaker 1: was the rise. This moment right here, the one I'm 460 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:41,680 Speaker 1: most afraid in, is the one I'm going to come 461 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,280 Speaker 1: back to your time and time again. There's a lot 462 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:49,000 Speaker 1: of research on post traumatic growth and also on major 463 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:53,680 Speaker 1: life transitions that suggests that we cope better with upheaval. 464 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:57,719 Speaker 1: We cope better with things going wrong or with change, 465 00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:01,440 Speaker 1: when we can place it into story about what our 466 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,120 Speaker 1: lives are for and the purpose we are living and 467 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,680 Speaker 1: the journey we are taking. When you create a narrative 468 00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:11,200 Speaker 1: about who you could be as the result of what's 469 00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:13,760 Speaker 1: happening to you right now or what might be happening 470 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,320 Speaker 1: for you in the future, and you reframe that change 471 00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:20,960 Speaker 1: as a process that is happening to you for you, 472 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:25,880 Speaker 1: in your favor, rather than against you, it suddenly feels 473 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:27,320 Speaker 1: like this is the most natural thing in the world. 474 00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:29,760 Speaker 1: You have to do this. I also think, you know, 475 00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:31,160 Speaker 1: if you want a good story, if you want a 476 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:33,960 Speaker 1: good origin story about your life, you've got to build it. 477 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:36,040 Speaker 1: You've got to make it. You've got to be courageous 478 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:39,160 Speaker 1: enough to take risks. And that's what you're doing right now. 479 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,240 Speaker 1: You're building the story, and you're making it an interesting 480 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:47,320 Speaker 1: one by embracing change. I think if change is continuously 481 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:51,920 Speaker 1: framed as something that's just only pointless, only chaos, only 482 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:55,800 Speaker 1: emotional disruption, it will always feel like a negative, it 483 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:58,600 Speaker 1: will always feel like something to avoid. But if it's 484 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:03,040 Speaker 1: framed as the way you become more yourself, the way 485 00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:06,040 Speaker 1: that you get to your goals, the path through it 486 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:11,160 Speaker 1: starts to feel more like a transition, not just the 487 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:15,400 Speaker 1: end outcome. I think it helps to remember that change 488 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:21,400 Speaker 1: is also rarely one big cinematical leap. Instead, it's usually 489 00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:27,320 Speaker 1: a series of small stages, small steps. Another model, I 490 00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,760 Speaker 1: guess theory that I love is the trends theoretical model 491 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:33,600 Speaker 1: of change. This was developed by researchers in the nineties, 492 00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:37,520 Speaker 1: and it describes change as not a before and after, 493 00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:41,040 Speaker 1: but moving through phases where occasionally things aren't working and 494 00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:44,720 Speaker 1: occasionally they're working really well. You know, you move through 495 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:48,560 Speaker 1: these phases of like not really considering it yet, then 496 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:53,360 Speaker 1: seriously thinking about it, then preparing, then acting, then trying 497 00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:57,160 Speaker 1: to maintain the new behavior. The key thing is that 498 00:30:57,360 --> 00:31:00,760 Speaker 1: people slide back and forth through these stages all the time. 499 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:03,880 Speaker 1: They're prepared, they're not prepared, they're sticking with the habit. 500 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:07,320 Speaker 1: Suddenly the habit is broken. The thing is is that 501 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:11,120 Speaker 1: they're always continuing to have forward motion even within the cycle. 502 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,480 Speaker 1: They're always trying to get back to the place they 503 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:16,120 Speaker 1: want to be. So if you've been thinking about moving city, 504 00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:20,200 Speaker 1: if you've been thinking about leaving your job for whatever reason, 505 00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:25,160 Speaker 1: and you're still in that anticipation phase. The next stage 506 00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:26,880 Speaker 1: is like only a few centimeters away. All you have 507 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:30,400 Speaker 1: to do is just shift yourself into that preparation stage, 508 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:34,200 Speaker 1: into that doing stage. Maybe you're not going to apply 509 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:36,520 Speaker 1: or keep applying, or maybe you're not going to go 510 00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:38,160 Speaker 1: through with it, but at least you can say you 511 00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:40,680 Speaker 1: were in that stage even for a little while. Seeing 512 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:44,360 Speaker 1: changes as a process that has ambivalence, that has messiness, 513 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:47,960 Speaker 1: that has false starts and experimentation like all built into it. 514 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:52,040 Speaker 1: That is, that can soften the are knees, and it 515 00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:54,040 Speaker 1: can soften the all or nothing thinking of like, if 516 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:57,520 Speaker 1: I'm going to accept, embrace, pursue change, I better be 517 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:00,600 Speaker 1: one hundred percent committed or one hundred percent not in 518 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,640 Speaker 1: at all. This links actually to a lot of the 519 00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:09,600 Speaker 1: ideas that come from acceptance and commitment therapy. Act Acceptance 520 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:14,160 Speaker 1: and commitment therapy talks about committed action, which is basically 521 00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:18,719 Speaker 1: taking concrete steps guided by your values to get what 522 00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:20,880 Speaker 1: you want, not just things that are guided by your 523 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:25,360 Speaker 1: moment to moment emotions. Your values are telling you I 524 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:28,240 Speaker 1: want to do this, this is the necessary thing for me. 525 00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:30,560 Speaker 1: I have to take this step if I want to 526 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,720 Speaker 1: be the kind of person I've envisioned. The fear is 527 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:36,920 Speaker 1: always going to be there. It just you know. I'm 528 00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:38,800 Speaker 1: just not going to let it dictate what I do. 529 00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:42,240 Speaker 1: It's always going to be there. But let me ask 530 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:45,400 Speaker 1: you this. Take out the fear, take out the anxiety. 531 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:49,680 Speaker 1: What if I told you I knew for certainty every 532 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:51,280 Speaker 1: part of your plan is going to work out. I 533 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:54,719 Speaker 1: knew somebody had told me all the steps were going 534 00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:57,800 Speaker 1: to be complete, nothing was going to go wrong. I 535 00:32:57,840 --> 00:32:59,680 Speaker 1: could swear up and down that that was the case. 536 00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:03,400 Speaker 1: All I needed from you was commitment, commitment to the 537 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:07,760 Speaker 1: time it would take. If that was the situation, what 538 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:14,120 Speaker 1: outcome in those circumstances would you desire the most? What 539 00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:15,960 Speaker 1: is the path you're gonna pick? If I said it 540 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:19,760 Speaker 1: was all gonna work out, that's what you want. It's 541 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:24,360 Speaker 1: as clear as day. Now, tell me why all the 542 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:26,560 Speaker 1: steps won't work out. Tell me why that's gonna happen. 543 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:28,880 Speaker 1: Tell me why exactly you believe it's not going to 544 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:32,800 Speaker 1: go your way. You don't have any proof. If no proof, 545 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:37,040 Speaker 1: you have emotional reactions to what you think is gonna happen. 546 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:41,680 Speaker 1: You have fear, but you can't give me any concrete 547 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:45,600 Speaker 1: evidence that if you tried that it would go terribly. 548 00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:49,080 Speaker 1: You literally couldn't tell me a single thing. Maybe past 549 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:53,840 Speaker 1: experience still doesn't count for anything. It's all just fear. 550 00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:57,800 Speaker 1: And again, your fear doesn't know anything more than you 551 00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:00,480 Speaker 1: do because it comes from you, and you don't know 552 00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:02,800 Speaker 1: anything right now. You don't know what's gonna happen. That's 553 00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:04,360 Speaker 1: why you're here in the first place. That's why you're 554 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:07,560 Speaker 1: so afraid. You have to approach it as if it's 555 00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:11,960 Speaker 1: all gonna work out, and under these conditions, if that 556 00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:14,359 Speaker 1: was the case, what's the first thing you do. What's 557 00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:16,960 Speaker 1: the first step you'd have to take? What is baby 558 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:18,960 Speaker 1: step number one that you would have to do? Just 559 00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:23,200 Speaker 1: focus on completing that. Baby steps literally can't hurt That's 560 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:25,719 Speaker 1: why babies do them like that's literally in the name. 561 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:29,360 Speaker 1: It's they're there to feel, they are there to trust, 562 00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:32,799 Speaker 1: they are there just to progress slowly. If you want 563 00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:36,400 Speaker 1: to start a business, registering a business name can't hurt you. 564 00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:40,080 Speaker 1: Baby step, start the Instagram page, that's not gonna hurt you. 565 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:43,319 Speaker 1: It's a baby step. Researching the opportunity, even if you're 566 00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:45,400 Speaker 1: not acting on it, is a baby step. It's not 567 00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:47,840 Speaker 1: gonna hurt you. If you want to move to a 568 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:50,040 Speaker 1: new city, looking at visas, you don't have to pay 569 00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:53,600 Speaker 1: for them, like just starting to save for them. Baby 570 00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:56,000 Speaker 1: step is not gonna hurt you. These are all steps, 571 00:34:56,360 --> 00:35:00,279 Speaker 1: All things you gain from, you will continuously get from, 572 00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,239 Speaker 1: regardless of if you go all the way through with it. 573 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:07,720 Speaker 1: You introduce change, and you introduce the steps towards change 574 00:35:07,719 --> 00:35:12,200 Speaker 1: on your terms. This way you microdose change. I think 575 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:17,120 Speaker 1: also our intolerance for uncertainty also becomes more manageable when 576 00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:20,800 Speaker 1: it's named, when we're planning for it. This is something 577 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:24,799 Speaker 1: I always say when I'm overwhelmed by things shifting in 578 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:28,719 Speaker 1: my life. I'm stressed by the process. I'm excited by 579 00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:32,200 Speaker 1: the outcome. I'm scared by the process. I'm excited by 580 00:35:32,239 --> 00:35:35,759 Speaker 1: the outcome. Two things can be true, then you can 581 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:40,760 Speaker 1: go that final step deeper. I'm scared. I'm scared. Why 582 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:43,560 Speaker 1: I'm scared of the process. I'm excited by the outcome. 583 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:46,640 Speaker 1: Why am I scared? What is the human insecurity? This 584 00:35:46,719 --> 00:35:50,959 Speaker 1: is secretly, unconsciously manipulating in me to make me feel 585 00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:53,759 Speaker 1: like it's all going to go wrong. I'm scared. If 586 00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:56,000 Speaker 1: I move, I'm gonna hate it. I'm going to feel trapped. 587 00:35:57,560 --> 00:36:00,720 Speaker 1: What you're really scared of is losing control, not actually moving. 588 00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:03,919 Speaker 1: I'm scared I'll leave this relationship. I'll never meet anybody else. 589 00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:07,360 Speaker 1: You're not scared of leaving the relationship. You're scared of 590 00:36:07,360 --> 00:36:11,279 Speaker 1: being lonely. But there's no You don't have any proof 591 00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:12,759 Speaker 1: that that's actually what's going to be. What it's going 592 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:18,560 Speaker 1: to be like, that is just your deep human personal fear. 593 00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:22,040 Speaker 1: Then you can reinforce again that maybe this isn't the 594 00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:25,480 Speaker 1: case again, use that five by five method I mentioned before. 595 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:30,279 Speaker 1: What are five alternatives and what a five ways that 596 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:32,120 Speaker 1: I'm going to be okay even if I am lonely, 597 00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:35,279 Speaker 1: even if I do lose control. I also want you 598 00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,600 Speaker 1: to notice here that none of the advice shared, none 599 00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:40,080 Speaker 1: of the advice that would be given to you by 600 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:44,600 Speaker 1: a therapist or a psychologist, is wait until you're not 601 00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:50,200 Speaker 1: scared anymore. Speaking really bluntly, it's not going to arrive. 602 00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:54,359 Speaker 1: You're always going to be scared. It's hardwired into you. 603 00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:57,920 Speaker 1: Your threat system is designed to warn you against uncertainty. 604 00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,880 Speaker 1: Uncertainty is a promise of life. Change is always going 605 00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:04,480 Speaker 1: to bring about that feeling your relationship and how you 606 00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:08,640 Speaker 1: act towards uncertainty is what is going to determine what happens, 607 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:13,719 Speaker 1: not your imaginary, fill in the blank catastrophic perceptions of it. 608 00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:17,799 Speaker 1: If you take nothing else from this episode, let it 609 00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:21,160 Speaker 1: be this. You're allowed to be scared of change. It's 610 00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:24,360 Speaker 1: really fucking scary. You're allowed to grieve what you might lose. 611 00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:27,439 Speaker 1: You're allowed to not know exactly how it will play out. 612 00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:33,640 Speaker 1: But that being said, you don't actually know, And you're 613 00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:37,840 Speaker 1: also allowed to decide that this discomfort, the terror of 614 00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:43,120 Speaker 1: never trying is way worse than taking a step. Just 615 00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:47,279 Speaker 1: because something is scary doesn't mean it's not the right move. 616 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:49,640 Speaker 1: In fact, sometimes that fear is a sign that it is. 617 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:54,840 Speaker 1: Your fear based imaginations are not predictions. They are designed 618 00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:57,480 Speaker 1: to be the most intense scary thing that you can imagine, 619 00:37:57,760 --> 00:37:59,759 Speaker 1: so that you can be prepared for it. They don't 620 00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:02,879 Speaker 1: know any more than you do. And if you say 621 00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:06,319 Speaker 1: it's going to be all right, if you say I'm 622 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:09,680 Speaker 1: going to accept the change anyways, I'm going to be prepared. 623 00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:12,680 Speaker 1: I'm going to face it head on. If you say 624 00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:17,640 Speaker 1: it's going to be magnificent, it will be. The chances 625 00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:20,600 Speaker 1: are so high that it will be the way that 626 00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:24,239 Speaker 1: you anticipate it. If you anticipate it in a positive light, 627 00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:27,840 Speaker 1: that it's going to be incredible because you have embraced 628 00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:33,000 Speaker 1: something that so many people don't, and they live miserable lives. Anyways, 629 00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:34,680 Speaker 1: at least you can say I gave it a go. 630 00:38:34,719 --> 00:38:38,359 Speaker 1: At least you can say I freaking tried, rather than 631 00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:42,200 Speaker 1: dealing with the watt ifs. So thank you for listening. 632 00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:45,120 Speaker 1: If you have made it this far, I hope you 633 00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:47,960 Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode. I hope you learned something. Thank you, 634 00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:51,400 Speaker 1: as always to our researcher Libby Colbert for her research 635 00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:54,600 Speaker 1: contributions to this episode. Make sure you are following us 636 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:58,480 Speaker 1: on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. Make sure you are 637 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:02,040 Speaker 1: subscribed wherever you are watching our question of the day. 638 00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:03,880 Speaker 1: If you have made it the start, thank you so much, 639 00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:08,520 Speaker 1: lay or listener. Our secret question is what is a 640 00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:12,880 Speaker 1: change that you are secretly resisting right now? Whether it's moving, 641 00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:17,400 Speaker 1: whether it's starting a business, whether it's dating, leaving somebody, 642 00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:21,919 Speaker 1: whatever it is, leave a comment down below until next time, 643 00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:25,399 Speaker 1: Stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will 644 00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:26,759 Speaker 1: talk very very soon.