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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: And crying was acceptable depending upon the situation. Right. So,

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Speaker 2: the thing that I learned a lot about growing up

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Speaker 2: was your emotions. The validity of your emotions dependent on

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Speaker 2: the context, when in reality, your emotions should be valid

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Speaker 2: no matter the context. Hey lady, have you ever felt

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Speaker 2: like the world just doesn't get you? Well, we do.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 1: and empowering women like you.

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Speaker 2: We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard, and educator and psychologists.

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Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.

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Speaker 2: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from

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Speaker 2: fibroil to fake friends as we create space for black

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Speaker 2: women to just be.

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Speaker 1: Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow

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Speaker 1: button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady,

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Speaker 1: We are black founded and black owned, and your support

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Speaker 1: will help us reach even more women like you.

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Speaker 2: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is Terry here? If you want this to

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Speaker 1: be your year, If you're tired of hiding and you

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Speaker 1: know deep down that your story deserves bigger stages, bigger rooms,

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Speaker 1: and more visibility. This is for you because over the

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Speaker 1: past thirteen years, I've pitched myself into six figure opportunities

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Speaker 1: with zero connections. I've gotten email opens and responses from

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Speaker 1: some of the biggest names in the game. I'm talking Oprastein,

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Speaker 1: Mel Robbins, Lewis Howles, Jay Shetty, Pinky Cole, and Moore.

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Speaker 1: And I've literally read thousands of pitches. And here's what

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Speaker 1: I know for sure. Most people aren't being overlooked because

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Speaker 1: they're not good enough. They're being overlooked because their pitch

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Speaker 1: has no structure, no clarity, and no strategy behind it.

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Speaker 1: So I put everything I wish I had when I

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Speaker 1: was getting started into one resource, my free Perfect Pitch

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Speaker 1: cheat sheet. Inside I walk you through the ten commandments

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Speaker 1: of pitching, how to research like a pro, how to

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Speaker 1: craft a clear message, and how to write a pitch

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Speaker 1: that actually gets opened, not ignored. And right now you

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Speaker 1: o max dot com. Just go to Terrylomax dot com

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Speaker 1: or click the link in our show notes and tap

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Speaker 1: Perfect pitch cheat sheet and it's yours all. Right back

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Speaker 1: to the show.

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Speaker 2: Our quote of the day. If you don't know what

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Speaker 2: you're feeling, it's hard to know what to do with

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Speaker 2: your feelings. I'm going to say say that quote one

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Speaker 2: more time for the folks in the back so you

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Speaker 2: can let it sink in. If you don't know what

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Speaker 2: you're feeling, it's hard to know what to do with

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Speaker 2: what you're feeling. And that quote comes to us from

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Speaker 2: doctor Mark Brackett, who is the director for the Yale

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Speaker 2: Center for Emotional Intelligence. Nat when you hear that quote,

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Speaker 2: what comes up for you? Girl?

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Speaker 1: So many things come up. One I'm thinking about how

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Speaker 1: sometimes when we don't know what we're feeling, we just

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Speaker 1: take action and we just we feel something, so we like,

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Speaker 1: I gotta move, I gotta do something right. And so

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Speaker 1: for me, it just when you read it, it kind of

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Speaker 1: makes me think about slowing down to get awareness before

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Speaker 1: making a move, before making a decision, before having an outburst,

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Speaker 1: whatever it might be. So that's it, that's what it

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Speaker 1: says to me. What about you?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think for me it's similar, right of like

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Speaker 2: it's about slowing down so that you can respond versus react, right,

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Speaker 2: Because what I think about what often happens for a

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Speaker 2: lot of us is we react, and then when we

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Speaker 2: take a moment to pause and think about, well, wait,

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Speaker 2: I did this thing over here, but really that's not

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Speaker 2: what I really meant to do when I think about

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Speaker 2: what I was truly feeling and what I needed in

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Speaker 2: that moment. And so for me, it's really about Okay,

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Speaker 2: let's flip it. Let's instead of reacting and then pausing,

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Speaker 2: it's it gets right into this method that we're going

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Speaker 2: to talk about today that doctor Brackett came up with. Right,

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Speaker 2: It's about having that pause first, so then it's not

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Speaker 2: a reaction that comes next, it's a response.

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Speaker 1: That is beautifully stated. Dom and lady, we're going to

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Speaker 1: start with some questions. So if you have your journal

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Speaker 1: and you're listening, or you're driving, whatever you're doing, think

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Speaker 1: about your response to these. So think about how did

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Speaker 1: you learn to manage your emotions when you were younger,

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Speaker 1: and who taught you that? What's your anterest of that question?

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Speaker 1: Because don when you were talking about response, you said

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Speaker 1: react and then pause. I'm like, that's how I grew up.

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Speaker 1: That's what people did. They reacted and it was, oh,

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Speaker 1: I apologize if there was an apology or you know,

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Speaker 1: that's kind of how it was. But what did you

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Speaker 1: learn about emotions growing up?

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Speaker 2: Well, I think similar. I'm gonna assume that my experience

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Speaker 2: is similar to a lot of us in that there

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Speaker 2: were certain emotions that were more acceptible than others. Right. So,

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Speaker 2: anger not an emotion that's acceptable, particularly if it's directed

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Speaker 2: at someone in the family. But if you're angry about

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Speaker 2: something that's happening out in the outside world, that's okay.

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Speaker 2: But also be mindful of how how you what you

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Speaker 2: do with that anger, right, And so in crying was

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Speaker 2: acceptable depending upon the situation. Right. So, the thing that

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Speaker 2: I learned a lot about growing up was your emotions,

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Speaker 2: the validity of your emotions dependent on the context, when

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Speaker 2: in reality, your emotions should be valid no matter the context.

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Speaker 2: I also want to acknowledge that some of that was

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Speaker 2: or things that have been passed down from generations, and

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Speaker 2: some of that was about our survival during certain time periods.

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Speaker 2: Now we're in a space where it doesn't have to

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Speaker 2: be like that, Like there's a need for acknowledging the

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Speaker 2: context that we live in the world, the current world

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Speaker 2: that we live in, Yes, but it's a shift. To me,

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Speaker 2: it feels like there needs to be a shift in

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Speaker 2: allowing all emotions to be valid and then you're thinking

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Speaker 2: about what do you do with those emotions based on

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Speaker 2: the context.

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Speaker 1: It's so good.

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Speaker 2: So, lady, we're going to ask that question again for

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Speaker 2: you to think about. So as we're having this conversation, right,

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Speaker 2: how did you learn to manage your emotions when you

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Speaker 2: were younger? And who taught you that? But more importantly,

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Speaker 2: how did you learn to manage your emotions? What messages

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Speaker 2: did you receive about emotions and the expression of those emotions?

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Speaker 1: Because I think it matters because all that is probably

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Speaker 1: an indicator of how we manage emotions today and like

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Speaker 1: what's coming up in our relationships and our partnerships and

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Speaker 1: things like that. That's really good. There are a couple

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Speaker 1: other questions here. I'm not feeling too drawn to the

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Speaker 1: next one down. Is there another one that you want

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Speaker 1: to add?

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Speaker 2: I'm looking at this next one that we have that

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Speaker 2: says who taught you how to feel your feelings and

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Speaker 2: not just push them down to be strong? So I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna say that question again, who taught you how to

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Speaker 2: feel your feeling and not just push them down to

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Speaker 2: be strong.

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Speaker 1: That's a good one. Well, I'm going back to the

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Speaker 1: first question that you answered. I One of the things

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Speaker 1: that came up for me around that is you mentioned context, right,

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Speaker 1: And I think for me it was more so I

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Speaker 1: could feel the emotions that were appropriate to the adults

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Speaker 1: around me. So if they if they, you know, gave

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Speaker 1: me permission to feel the feeling, then it was okay

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Speaker 1: to feel. But if it wasn't something that was suitable

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Speaker 1: to them, then it was like, I don't care what

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Speaker 1: it is like you can't feel that emotion. And so

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Speaker 1: going back to this question right here, but I feel

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Speaker 1: like it was therapy when I finally had permission and

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Speaker 1: also learned, Like I remember being in the therapy session

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Speaker 1: and trying to come in and just like rush past

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Speaker 1: this traumatic experience, like okay, this happened, and just like

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Speaker 1: talking about it, like I was talking about what I

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Speaker 1: was ordering for lunch, and then they just slowed me down.

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Speaker 1: I was like, wait, let's sit with this now. I

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Speaker 1: was like, this is uncomfortable, Like they started coming up,

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Speaker 1: and so that I think is when I really began

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Speaker 1: to feel the feelings and not just push them down.

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Speaker 1: What about you? I'm so curious because if your a

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Speaker 1: background and the work that you do, so who taught you?

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Speaker 2: I would say the same being in therapy. When I

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Speaker 2: was in therapy, that's when I really learned I had space.

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Speaker 2: That's good. I felt like I had permission to really

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Speaker 2: feel all of the feelings right, so I could So

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Speaker 2: for me, I could go into therapy and I could

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Speaker 2: talk about who I was pissed at and why and

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Speaker 2: then figure out well why, Like as we're figuring out

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Speaker 2: that why, then figuring out how to communicate that to them,

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Speaker 2: because a lot of times I wasn't communicating what I

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Speaker 2: really felt, yeah, and so I would feel it internally,

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Speaker 2: but it wouldn't get express outwardly right, And so in

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Speaker 2: therapy I learned to. I learned how to identify the

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Speaker 2: why and then how to communicate it in a way

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Speaker 2: that would be heard. And for me, that was a

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Speaker 2: game changer, because I mean the feelings, Oh, I feel

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Speaker 2: the feelings. That was never feeling the feelings and icknowledge

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Speaker 2: and internally, at least internally acknowledging what the feelings are.

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Speaker 2: That part has never been an issue for me. Okay,

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Speaker 2: it's the understanding why and then communicating to the people

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Speaker 2: around me what those feelings are. That was the work

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Speaker 2: for me.

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Speaker 1: That is so powerful. And I love that you mentioned

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Speaker 1: space because a lot of us, many black women, we

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Speaker 1: don't have the space to do that, right like, we

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Speaker 1: just don't have them. I want to say, luxury to

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Speaker 1: feel the feelings and to sit with it, or to

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Speaker 1: ask ourselves whise, Okay, this shit happened. I gotta keep

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Speaker 1: on push it down and keep on going. So I

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Speaker 1: love that you mentioned that. And then also you emphasize

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Speaker 1: communicating in a way that it will be heard. So

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Speaker 1: that said, shall we dive into the ruler metha.

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Speaker 2: Yes, let's do what is all right? So the Ruler

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Speaker 2: method RULER is an acronym and again this is this

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Speaker 2: was something that was developed at the Yel Center for

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Speaker 2: Emotional Intelligence, and it stands for recognizing emotions. So that's

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Speaker 2: the first R. Understanding the causes, that's our U, Labeling

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Speaker 2: emotions accurately, that's the L. Expressing emotions appropriately, that's the E.

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Speaker 2: And then regulating emotions effectively, and that's the final R.

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Speaker 2: All right, So I'm gonna run through those one more time.

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Speaker 2: Recognizing emotions under standing the causes, labeling the emotions, accurately,

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Speaker 2: expressing the emotions appropriately, and then regulating the emotions effectively.

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Speaker 1: All right, So tea quick now before we dive into this.

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Speaker 1: I was just thinking about how when I think about

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Speaker 1: my communication style many moons ago before I really started

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Speaker 1: doing the work and like you said, expressing my feelings,

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Speaker 1: getting real with them, and when I would hear certain

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Speaker 1: things like this method, right, that shit ain't gonna work

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Speaker 1: when I try like it in the moment, because you

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Speaker 1: know how in the moment sometimes we're heated and you

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Speaker 1: feel that fire or that burning in your chest or

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Speaker 1: whatever you might feel in your stomach, the butterflies, and

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Speaker 1: so whoever's listening, and they may be doubting you know

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Speaker 1: the method or new processes, just know that it does

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Speaker 1: take time to implement these and to practice. Because I

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Speaker 1: have come along with with my communication, I'm sure you

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Speaker 1: have as well done being able to communicate the things

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Speaker 1: that you went or that you discussed in therapy. And

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Speaker 1: so yeah, I just wanted to preface it by saying

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Speaker 1: that because sometimes you hear it from a high level,

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Speaker 1: you're like, that ain't gonna work in real life when

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Speaker 1: I really pissed. What would you tell your or what

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Speaker 1: would you tell your client's style when it comes to

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Speaker 1: methods like this and putting them into practice.

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Speaker 2: Exactly what you said that it takes time, Like as

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Speaker 2: you're saying that, Like as you were saying that, like

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Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, I think I told like two

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Speaker 2: or three people that today that it might not necessarily

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Speaker 2: been in direct relation to this specific thing, but just

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Speaker 2: in general, when you are trying to change a behavior,

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Speaker 2: when you're trying to implement a new habit, it does

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Speaker 2: take time, and there may be moments where you slip up,

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Speaker 2: and that's okay, that's to be expected. Even if you've

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Speaker 2: been doing this for years, it's to be expected that

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Speaker 2: occasionally you're gonna slip up. Like I think about particularly

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Speaker 2: working with college students, if they don't live at home

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Speaker 2: and we spend sessions talking about family dynamics and they're like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: we've processed this, we feel like we're in a good space.

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Speaker 2: But they're not at home interacting with the people that

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Speaker 2: they have issues with. So then so it's one thing

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Speaker 2: to be to talk about it in therapy, right, And

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Speaker 2: then they go home for holiday break and they're like

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Speaker 2: they come back and they're like, but doctor Dom, like,

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Speaker 2: we talked about this and I felt like I was

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Speaker 2: doing making so much progress. Well, yeah, you went home

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Speaker 2: with the people who caused all of these things in

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Speaker 2: the first place, and so they haven't changed. And so yes,

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Speaker 2: it makes sense that it's gonna be difficult and you

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Speaker 2: might find yourself regressing and that's okay. You don't let

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Speaker 2: it stop you though.

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Speaker 1: That's powerful. Now, that makes perfect sense too. You have

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Speaker 1: to be back in the setting to actually implement what

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Speaker 1: you're learning, right, Okay, So when it comes to recognizing emotions, right,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to say what does that look like

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Speaker 1: an action? Right? Because I think we all we many

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Speaker 1: of us sometimes can know how we feel. There can

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Speaker 1: be some confusion based on like you know, things that

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Speaker 1: you might be struggling with or what you've experienced or

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Speaker 1: how you grew up. But when you think about recognizing emotions,

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Speaker 1: can we kind of see that in practice?

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Speaker 2: So let me okay, so let me I walk us

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Speaker 2: through like a quick real life example, like where we

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Speaker 2: look at this full method. Right, So what's what's so

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Speaker 2: funny is that I actually put this in the practice

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Speaker 2: for myself today. Okay, Yes, let's see here, right, All right,

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Speaker 2: So there was a situation at work and I found

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Speaker 2: myself so someone said something and I found myself feeling

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Speaker 2: livid like that, like I was livid, and that was

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Speaker 2: in the moment, I was livid. And then I paused

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Speaker 2: and I said, all right, let's take some breaths. Let's

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Speaker 2: take some calming breaths, because one, is this really a

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Speaker 2: big deal? Okay, it really wasn't. Is this something that

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Speaker 2: I really want to fight about? No, it wasn't. What

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Speaker 2: was the real issue, Like, what was the real issue

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Speaker 2: at hand? Like why was I livid? And what I

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Speaker 2: realized after I took some breaths is that I was

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Speaker 2: being I was feeling livid because my time was not

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Speaker 2: being considered and there had been a lack of communication. Right,

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Speaker 2: And so my real emotion is not livid because that

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Speaker 2: doesn't match. That emotion didn't match what was actually happening.

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Speaker 2: My real emotion was annoyance. Right. And so a response

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Speaker 2: to being livid versus a response to a mild annoyance

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Speaker 2: or different, very different responses. Right. And so right now

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Speaker 2: we have the recognizing the emotion. So the initial emotion

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Speaker 2: was I was livid. The next is understanding the causes. Right.

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Speaker 2: So there was like what I believe to be a

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Speaker 2: lack of communication, and then labeling my emotion correctly, accurately, right,

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Speaker 2: and then from there expressing my emotions appropriately. So I

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Speaker 2: sent a message expressing I didn't say I was annoyed,

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Speaker 2: but I did offer in that because in that context,

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Speaker 2: me stating what the emotion was didn't feel appropriate. But

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Speaker 2: what I did say was I offered a I said

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Speaker 2: what the thing was that irritated me, and then offered

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Speaker 2: a suggestion around what could be done differently next time.

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Speaker 1: I love that.

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Speaker 2: And then I went and took some more deep breaths

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Speaker 2: so that I wouldn't take out my annoyance in other

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Speaker 2: spaces that weren't related to that moment.

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Speaker 1: Come on, now, we got a self regulated queen. I

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Speaker 1: see you do. I love this.

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Speaker 2: It was work. It was work.

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Speaker 1: I have some follow up questions, unless it's do you

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Speaker 1: want to add anything else to this?

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Speaker 2: Nope?

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Speaker 1: Okay, you walk through that example so beautifully. So all right,

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Speaker 1: so number one when you okay, a couple clarifying questions.

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Speaker 1: Was this in person or was it zoom? Just curious?

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Speaker 2: This was okay? So I will say this was zoom.

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Speaker 2: This was all I was working remote today, So it's

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Speaker 2: good to know. And so I do think that it

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Speaker 2: does make it so when you're not in person with

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Speaker 2: the people involved, that definitely makes.

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Speaker 1: It easier mm hm, Anthony, if you're in the moment,

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Speaker 1: so even even I mean, you're still in there, you know,

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Speaker 1: in the virtual space with them. So when you're there,

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Speaker 1: are you going through this entire process mentally or is

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Speaker 1: it something that you're processing after the fact, because I

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Speaker 1: noticed sometimes I tend to have like a delayed response

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Speaker 1: where I reflect on something and I'm like, wait a second,

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Speaker 1: that's how I feel. So was this an instant process

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Speaker 1: for you.

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Speaker 2: In this particular situation, Yes, it was an instant process

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Speaker 2: of why am I living?

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Speaker 1: Okay? But you felt them feeling.

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Speaker 2: And so yeah, so that's the thing, right, Like I

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Speaker 2: felt it in my body, like I felt myself, I

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Speaker 2: felt my heart rate increasing, I felt hot, and so

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Speaker 2: then that's when I knew, like oh shit, like all

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Speaker 2: right right. And then the other piece too, is also

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Speaker 2: with that understanding the causes, like what was the the

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Speaker 2: underlying cause in some instances that the that initial emotion

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Speaker 2: is not related to that moment. It's so let's say that. Now,

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Speaker 2: this wasn't my This wasn't go ahead.

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Speaker 1: I was gonna say, can I give you a life example,

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Speaker 1: and can you go ahead for me? Okay? So girl,

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Speaker 1: the other day, I you know, I'm terry the when

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Speaker 1: I get some shit, I'm trying to build it and

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Speaker 1: you get my handwork and my pink toolbox out. So

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to put up these cute floating shelves, right,

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Speaker 1: and I in my mind of like, oh, I have

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Speaker 1: this vision. I'm gonna put these up and then we're

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Speaker 1: going to do this and do that. And it did

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Speaker 1: not work out well, and I was struggling. I had

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Speaker 1: these marks of the water. I'm like, bro, I was

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Speaker 1: so frustrated. I just felt like I felt like I

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Speaker 1: was going to explode. I was hot, and I felt

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Speaker 1: very irritated. So in that moment, dom I recognized my emotions. Yep.

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Speaker 1: And when I realized, when I reflected and took a

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Speaker 1: deep breath, I said, this is what I said to myself.

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Speaker 1: I said, bit, you hungry, you need to go eat,

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Speaker 1: because this was this was I was humid.

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Speaker 2: I was so yes.

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Speaker 1: And then my daughter was like watch me, and she

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Speaker 1: went to talk and I said, baby, I had to

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Speaker 1: communicate with her, Mommy is having a moment right now,

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Speaker 1: and I need a couple of minutes to myself to

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Speaker 1: think because I'm having some big emotions. Great. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: So I did that and then go I ate some food.

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Speaker 1: We got some food, and I was much better after

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Speaker 1: the food. And then I created a plan to have

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Speaker 1: someone who does shelving come and do this for me,

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Speaker 1: because although I'm good I can do it, it was

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Speaker 1: not worth a headache because if I if I messed

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Speaker 1: up three times, I said, you know what, We're gonna

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Speaker 1: let someone else do this.

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Speaker 2: So so when I hear that, yeah, So when I

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Speaker 2: hear that, what I hear is you recognize your emotion, right,

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Speaker 2: that you were angry, right because you felt yourself getting hot, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: And in this instance, when you took that moment to

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Speaker 2: pause to understand the cause, right, you realize, wait, hold on,

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Speaker 2: I'm not upset at this situation. I'm not us to

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Speaker 2: that degree, to that degree, right, Like I might be annoyed.

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Speaker 2: So then that goes to labeling the emotion accurately. Right,

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Speaker 2: I might be annoyed, but the real cause of the

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Speaker 2: anger is you're hungry, like you haven't eaten, and so

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Speaker 2: now we have another labeling of accurate emotions of Oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm angry because I'm hungry. Right, yes, I'm still annoyed

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Speaker 2: at this situation, but I'm angry because I'm hungry. So

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Speaker 2: all right, well how do we solve that? Let me

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Speaker 2: feed myself, let me make sure I get something to eat,

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Speaker 2: and then let's come back to this other situation where

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Speaker 2: I'm annoyed. Okay, well, what can I do to problem

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Speaker 2: solve and address this and reduce my annoyance? I've tried

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Speaker 2: it three times, it's not working out. It's time to

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Speaker 2: call in the reinforcements. Someone else who's calling the experts?

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Speaker 1: Okay, yes, I love that, and dob, I also love

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Speaker 1: how it starts with recognizing emotions and then it comes

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Speaker 1: back to labeling emotions accurately, because sometimes when we're hot.

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Speaker 2: We will.

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Speaker 1: Miss what is the word I'm looking for? We will

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Speaker 1: miss not diagnose, but what is you know the word? Well,

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Speaker 1: what is the word I'm looking for?

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Speaker 2: This label what the emotion is right exactly? And also

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Speaker 2: what it may also what it may also be happening

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Speaker 2: is you're attributing your emotion to that emotion may be real,

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Speaker 2: but you're attributing it to the wrong situation, the wrong context.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I like that too, because then when you get

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Speaker 1: clear on where you are, it's easier to communicate with

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Speaker 1: Like my daughter, I was able to let her lie,

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Speaker 1: let's eat, o regroup, or you can communicate with someone

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Speaker 1: that you're meeting with, and I like that. I love

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Speaker 1: that quote of the day too, because it's like you're

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Speaker 1: in your car and you're putting in the address you

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Speaker 1: know of where you are, so you can to where

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Speaker 1: you want to be, but you can't get to where

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Speaker 1: you want to be unless you know where you are.

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Speaker 1: So I really love the labeling emotions accurately. What else

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Speaker 1: should we cover for this before we move on to

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Speaker 1: any other questions?

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Speaker 2: I think we covered that pretty well. And so lady,

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Speaker 2: if you're listening and you're still feeling a little confused,

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Speaker 2: go back and listen to it a couple of times,

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Speaker 2: because I think that sometimes we need to hear things

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Speaker 2: multiple times before it fully clicks. And that's okay.

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Speaker 1: Yes, So now we can talk about why emotional regulation

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Speaker 1: matters for black women, because although even as we're staying

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Speaker 1: this time, I feel like it sounds basic, right, like, girl,

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Speaker 1: you was hungry, just go get some food. But when

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Speaker 1: you're in the moment and life is life, and things

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Speaker 1: are coming up, and you know, it could be someone

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Speaker 1: in traffic, it could be something at work, right, things

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Speaker 1: come up. We have big emotions as well. In the

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Speaker 1: way that I'm trying to help my daughter process hers,

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Speaker 1: I'm also trying to be a mirror. So I'll be

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Speaker 1: I'll be taking deep ass breaths like get it together,

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Speaker 1: because she's watching me manage my frustration and emotions. And

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Speaker 1: so let's talk about why it's important for us, especially

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Speaker 1: as black women.

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Speaker 2: So first of all, we already know that oftentimes we

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Speaker 2: are there's that stereotype of the angry black woman, right,

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Speaker 2: and there are there are a lot of moments where

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Speaker 2: our anger is justified, Okay, because of the things that

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Speaker 2: the way that we get treated and the things that

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Speaker 2: we experience, our anger is justified. However, there are moments

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Speaker 2: where we are angry, we're expressing that anger, and what

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Speaker 2: happens is is we've hit our we've hit our breaking point,

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Speaker 2: and so then that anger gets taken gets displayed in

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Speaker 2: the context that doesn't fit the anger, right, yes, So

432
00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:00,359
Speaker 2: then people are like, oh, she's dramatic, she's blowing out

433
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:05,080
Speaker 2: of proportion. She's an angry black woman. Right, So there's

434
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:09,120
Speaker 2: that side of it, But then there's the other, the

435
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:15,399
Speaker 2: opposite end, where because we don't want to appear like

436
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:23,280
Speaker 2: the angry black woman, we stuff our emotions, we silence ourselves,

437
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:29,480
Speaker 2: and so everything is sitting inside and as we're suppressing

438
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:36,160
Speaker 2: or dismissing our emotions, what ends up happening is our

439
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:42,640
Speaker 2: bodies physically are addressing it. So we end up with

440
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:49,200
Speaker 2: physical health ailments because we've been the emotions have to

441
00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:52,960
Speaker 2: go somewhere, and so it ends up taking its toll

442
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 2: on our bodies.

443
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:56,680
Speaker 1: That is so good job, because the body keeps the score.

444
00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:58,640
Speaker 1: That is so true. Like you said, it has to

445
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:02,600
Speaker 1: go somewhere, manifest in different ways. I'm also thinking about

446
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:06,520
Speaker 1: how emotional regulation is important for us, especially because community

447
00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:10,600
Speaker 1: is so important for us. Like we don't often see

448
00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:13,960
Speaker 1: ourselves reflected in certain outlets or just in certain spaces.

449
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,920
Speaker 1: We don't have safety, and so when we are in community,

450
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 1: if there is something that happens within the community, it's

451
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,120
Speaker 1: in our best interest and in the best interest of

452
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:25,560
Speaker 1: the community to communicate in at tactful way where we

453
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:27,720
Speaker 1: can still maintain the relationship and going back to what

454
00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:30,320
Speaker 1: you said earlier, communicating in a way where someone can

455
00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:33,320
Speaker 1: receive it, where we can still have a relationship after

456
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:37,240
Speaker 1: the communication happens, you know, because community is important for us.

457
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:39,400
Speaker 1: So I think that's another reason, just our relationships in

458
00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:43,560
Speaker 1: general and our community. What else are you going to add?

459
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 2: So I was gonna say it's also important for us

460
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:55,880
Speaker 2: because it allows us to more accurately communicate what it

461
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,920
Speaker 2: is that we need from the people around us. Right

462
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:04,320
Speaker 2: when we're able to pause and slow down and identify

463
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:09,560
Speaker 2: what's really coming up for us, then we can really

464
00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:12,560
Speaker 2: see some results in terms of getting the things that

465
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:17,200
Speaker 2: we need and want. Because if I'm asking if I'm

466
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:23,560
Speaker 2: feeling or if I'm feeling angry, but really what's happening

467
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:29,200
Speaker 2: is I'm hurt by something. If I'm only communicating the anger,

468
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:32,360
Speaker 2: you're only you can only react or respond to my anger.

469
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:36,320
Speaker 2: At the end of that, I'm still feeling hurt and

470
00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:40,520
Speaker 2: my hurt is not resolved, and so then that conflict

471
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:46,200
Speaker 2: will continue. But if I'm able to pause and say, wait,

472
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:50,920
Speaker 2: hold on, Yes, the anger is the initial emotion that's

473
00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:56,320
Speaker 2: coming up, but really I'm hurt and here's why I'm hurt.

474
00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:01,600
Speaker 2: Then we can address the issue and hopefully come to

475
00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:02,880
Speaker 2: a resolution.

476
00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:05,880
Speaker 1: I appreciate that too, And Tom, I want to know

477
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,040
Speaker 1: your perspective on this, a lady, as you're listening, I,

478
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,720
Speaker 1: you know, comments on our Instagram at her space podcast.

479
00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,280
Speaker 1: I love to hear from you too. Growing up, I

480
00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:16,800
Speaker 1: told you that there were certain feelings that we were

481
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:20,360
Speaker 1: not allowed to display right or feel. Really, and the

482
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,520
Speaker 1: older that I've gotten and the more that I've done

483
00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:26,600
Speaker 1: my work, I am realizing that it's okay to be

484
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:29,760
Speaker 1: angry and have rage. And you know, I think about

485
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,360
Speaker 1: some of the things I was processing some more childhood

486
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:35,160
Speaker 1: trauma and some strong emotions came up, especially as my

487
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 1: mother and my daughter, and I'm in a space now

488
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,240
Speaker 1: where I'm like, Okay, it's okay to feel these things.

489
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:42,520
Speaker 1: It's all about what you do with it, right, And

490
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,120
Speaker 1: so I think that's another powerful thing that we should

491
00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:47,400
Speaker 1: explore as black women, Like like you said, we have

492
00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:49,080
Speaker 1: a lot to be angry about, we have a lot

493
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:52,280
Speaker 1: to be pissed, we have a lot to feel rage about.

494
00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:55,280
Speaker 1: And knowing that our feelings are valid and we are

495
00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:58,360
Speaker 1: allowed to feel those things and then finding healthy outlets.

496
00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:00,080
Speaker 1: I think that's important. But I think a lot of

497
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:03,440
Speaker 1: times people try to rush us, especially into forgiveness. Oh

498
00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:06,320
Speaker 1: you gotta forgive, bitch. Let's feel these feelings. Okay, let

499
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:08,560
Speaker 1: me get these emotions out right and feel this anger.

500
00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:10,160
Speaker 1: What is your thought on that and what is your

501
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:14,240
Speaker 1: experience with that perspective on like us feeling those tough emotions.

502
00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:20,800
Speaker 2: So generally speaking, our emotions don't last for a long

503
00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:27,880
Speaker 2: period of time, right, So generally a couple of minutes,

504
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:32,200
Speaker 2: that's it. That's it, that's all the more, and we

505
00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:38,880
Speaker 2: move on. Right. However, if we are not letting ourselves

506
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:44,520
Speaker 2: feel the feeling, then what's gonna happen is it's going

507
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:50,480
Speaker 2: to continue to build in intensity, or if we're not

508
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:54,719
Speaker 2: giving ourselves the permission to name it, it will continue

509
00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:59,960
Speaker 2: to build in intensity, and until it's acknowledged, it's gonna

510
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:04,360
Speaker 2: keep coming back up. And what ends up happening is

511
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:07,520
Speaker 2: we see it popping up in moments that it doesn't

512
00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:13,720
Speaker 2: make sense for it to show up. So you are

513
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:18,040
Speaker 2: feeling and we're gonna stick with the angry emotion, right,

514
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:25,680
Speaker 2: You're feeling angry, and you don't let yourself feel it,

515
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:31,280
Speaker 2: Like there was something that legitimately pissed you off, and

516
00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:33,880
Speaker 2: you're like, I can't in this moment, I can't express it,

517
00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:37,160
Speaker 2: so I'm gonna stuff it. And then you're on your

518
00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:44,480
Speaker 2: way home and you're in traffic, and it's not even

519
00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:46,480
Speaker 2: because you know there are things that people do that

520
00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:51,600
Speaker 2: piss us off in traffic. Someone cuts in front of you,

521
00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:55,440
Speaker 2: not cut you off, they just happen to get in

522
00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:57,120
Speaker 2: front of you, and there was plenty of space for

523
00:33:57,200 --> 00:34:00,360
Speaker 2: them to do it. They put their blinker on and

524
00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:03,160
Speaker 2: all they did all the things that they're supposed to do.

525
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:08,239
Speaker 2: But now all of a sudden, you are pissed and

526
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:12,399
Speaker 2: you are laying on that horn and shouting a few

527
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:16,959
Speaker 2: explotives and all the things. And that person in front

528
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:20,479
Speaker 2: of you did not deserve your wrath. You're angry about

529
00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:24,040
Speaker 2: something that happened hours ago, but you didn't express it then,

530
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:30,360
Speaker 2: and now it's coming out in this moment that doesn't match. Now,

531
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:37,480
Speaker 2: if we rewind and you had allowed yourself to feel

532
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:41,200
Speaker 2: that anger, and I want to be clear, I said

533
00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:46,120
Speaker 2: feel the anger. I didn't say express the anger, because

534
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:51,200
Speaker 2: those are two different things. You allowed yourself to feel

535
00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:56,879
Speaker 2: the anger, you acknowledged I am angry right now. You

536
00:34:56,920 --> 00:35:02,240
Speaker 2: are then gonna notice that that a'm will probably start

537
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:07,400
Speaker 2: to subside because you've acknowledged it, you've given it space,

538
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:12,799
Speaker 2: and now it's moving on its way. And now when

539
00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:16,719
Speaker 2: you're in traffic and that person cuts in front of

540
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:21,719
Speaker 2: you with their signal on, with plenty of space, you

541
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:27,520
Speaker 2: don't even bother. You're not even worried about it. It

542
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:32,920
Speaker 2: doesn't even register as a problem because the anger you

543
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:37,399
Speaker 2: had from earlier was already felt and acknowledged. It had

544
00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:40,719
Speaker 2: its time and space. And so I think the thing

545
00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:45,480
Speaker 2: to remember is when you name the emotion, when you

546
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:48,960
Speaker 2: acknowledge it, you give it some space, You allow yourself

547
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:53,759
Speaker 2: a couple of moments to feel it. That intensity gets reduced,

548
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,080
Speaker 2: and that emotion is able to move on its way.

549
00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:02,800
Speaker 2: So see, when you as you're hearing this, are there

550
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:09,200
Speaker 2: things that come up for you that you're like, huh,

551
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:12,080
Speaker 2: I never knew. I never thought. I hadn't thought about

552
00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:16,840
Speaker 2: it in this way in terms of learning how to

553
00:36:17,239 --> 00:36:18,400
Speaker 2: implement this method.

554
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,839
Speaker 1: Oh, that's a good question. Grinding to think about that.

555
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:26,359
Speaker 1: Let me see, I would honestly say that I think

556
00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:29,400
Speaker 1: many of us will probably agree with this, some of

557
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,680
Speaker 1: us at least not many, but some of us. I

558
00:36:31,719 --> 00:36:35,880
Speaker 1: think I've been using these without the language behind it.

559
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,759
Speaker 1: So like the Ruler method is new to me, but

560
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:43,360
Speaker 1: the method and the tools they're similar to the practices

561
00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:46,960
Speaker 1: that I use today. So I'm looking at expressing, for instance,

562
00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:48,759
Speaker 1: and one of the things that comes up to me,

563
00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:50,920
Speaker 1: so we have some questions, lady, for each one of

564
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:54,320
Speaker 1: the methods or each one of the components within the method,

565
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,200
Speaker 1: And so for expressing, it says, who is safe to

566
00:36:56,239 --> 00:37:00,440
Speaker 1: share this with? Who is safe to share this with? Right?

567
00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:03,360
Speaker 1: What's an empowered way to show this feeling or emotion?

568
00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:07,360
Speaker 1: And so I think sometimes when we hear expressing, sometimes

569
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:09,360
Speaker 1: we think it needs to be expressed to the person.

570
00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,239
Speaker 1: But sometimes there have been so many things where so

571
00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:14,879
Speaker 1: many situations where I've built my own bridge got over

572
00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:18,680
Speaker 1: it cleared my emotions and feelings and there a conversation

573
00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:20,920
Speaker 1: didn't need to be had with the person, right, It

574
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:23,160
Speaker 1: was just something I had to clear within myself. So

575
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:27,400
Speaker 1: I think looking at that particular point, that's one of

576
00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:30,160
Speaker 1: the things that comes up for me, I.

577
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:32,799
Speaker 2: Think that, yes, that is an excellent point that you

578
00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:39,000
Speaker 2: bring up, that, yeah, that's sometimes that emotion once you've

579
00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:42,239
Speaker 2: acknowledged what the emotion is. It doesn't need to be

580
00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:47,800
Speaker 2: communicated with the other person. That sometimes acknowledging it within

581
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 2: yourself using your own coping skills. That's that's all that's needed.

582
00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:56,600
Speaker 2: And I think that that's an important thing. That's an

583
00:37:56,600 --> 00:38:00,080
Speaker 2: important thing to remember is that it doesn't that you

584
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:08,080
Speaker 2: you can express your emotion without having to have a

585
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:13,399
Speaker 2: conversation with the other person or people or situations involved.

586
00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:16,800
Speaker 2: And so, lady, we're going to run through the Ruler

587
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:21,359
Speaker 2: method one more time before we wrap up, and we'll

588
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:24,279
Speaker 2: have some we have some questions for you to think

589
00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:28,279
Speaker 2: about with each step. Right, So, the first r again

590
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:33,719
Speaker 2: is recognizing, and so the thing to think about with

591
00:38:33,960 --> 00:38:39,120
Speaker 2: recognizing is what's usually the first sign that your emotions

592
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:44,040
Speaker 2: are shifting? And do your emotions hit you in your

593
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:52,000
Speaker 2: body or your thoughts? First? The next is understanding how

594
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:56,480
Speaker 2: do you tell if an emotion is coming from right

595
00:38:56,520 --> 00:39:02,439
Speaker 2: now or from old stuff? And then have you ever

596
00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:07,040
Speaker 2: reacted to something small and realized that it was layered

597
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:10,600
Speaker 2: so realize there's way more to it or maybe it's

598
00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:17,560
Speaker 2: about old stuff. Next is labeling, And with labeling, it's

599
00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:23,880
Speaker 2: the questions we want to ask are what emotion do

600
00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:26,640
Speaker 2: you use to struggle to name or did you use

601
00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:27,440
Speaker 2: to struggle to name?

602
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:28,760
Speaker 1: Sorry?

603
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:34,560
Speaker 2: What emotion mask do you wear? Most? Is it anger?

604
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:40,840
Speaker 2: Is it silence? Humor? Or being busy? We're going to

605
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:42,880
Speaker 2: ask this one one more time because I know a

606
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:46,719
Speaker 2: lot of us deal with this. Which emotion mask do

607
00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:56,160
Speaker 2: you wear most? Anger, silence, humor or being busy? Next

608
00:39:56,239 --> 00:40:00,520
Speaker 2: we have expressing, So who do you feel safe us

609
00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:05,560
Speaker 2: expressing emotions too? And what does healthy expression look like

610
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:11,439
Speaker 2: in your real life? Finally, we have regulating what's your

611
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:17,440
Speaker 2: go to I need to get myself together technique? And

612
00:40:19,480 --> 00:40:24,239
Speaker 2: are regulating emotions easier with practice? I'm automatically tell you

613
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:26,520
Speaker 2: yes today. You don't even need to think about that

614
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:29,280
Speaker 2: when the answer is yes. And so let's run through

615
00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:37,080
Speaker 2: the Ruler method one more time. Recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing,

616
00:40:37,719 --> 00:40:38,839
Speaker 2: and regulating.

617
00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:42,120
Speaker 1: All right, lady, thank you for tuning in, dom I

618
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:43,759
Speaker 1: have a juicy story I can tell you in the

619
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:46,080
Speaker 1: after show. Lady. If you want to tune into the

620
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,760
Speaker 1: after show, head on over to Herspace podcast dot com,

621
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:51,920
Speaker 1: click anywhere you see Patreon and come support us and

622
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:55,120
Speaker 1: watch the video and tune into our bonus content. We'll

623
00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:55,720
Speaker 1: see you there.

624
00:40:57,000 --> 00:41:00,640
Speaker 2: It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.

625
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:03,919
Speaker 2: Are you currently a resident of the state of California

626
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:09,680
Speaker 2: and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please

627
00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:13,600
Speaker 2: reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

628
00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:18,880
Speaker 2: That's d R D O M I N I q

629
00:41:19,200 --> 00:41:25,440
Speaker 2: U E b R O U ssar D dot com

630
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:29,880
Speaker 2: to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look forward

631
00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:34,840
Speaker 2: to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space.

632
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:39,879
Speaker 2: Remember that while this podcast is all about healing, empowerment,

633
00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:44,560
Speaker 2: and resilience, it's not a substitute for therapy. If you

634
00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:48,680
Speaker 2: are someone you know needs support, check out resources like

635
00:41:48,760 --> 00:41:52,799
Speaker 2: Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today. If you love

636
00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:55,799
Speaker 2: today's episode, do us a favor and share it with

637
00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:59,640
Speaker 2: a friend who needs some inspiration or leave us a

638
00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:03,279
Speaker 2: quick five star review. Your support means the world to

639
00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:05,720
Speaker 2: us and helps keep this space thriving.

640
00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:11,000
Speaker 1: And before we meet again, repeat after me, I release

641
00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:14,720
Speaker 1: the old with gratitude and prepare for the new with intention.

642
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,319
Speaker 1: Keep thriving, lady, and tune in next Friday for more

643
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:23,960
Speaker 1: inspiration from Cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure

644
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:27,600
Speaker 1: to connect with us on Instagram at her space podcast