Speaker 1: I am a yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for salmon in a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
Speaker 1: production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. When I
Speaker 1: look around the world today, I am really really concerned
Speaker 1: about our young women. I'm concerned about them because some
Speaker 1: of them feel so very lost to me, the things
Speaker 1: that they're pursuing in the way that they see themselves
Speaker 1: and see life. When I look out in the world today,
Speaker 1: don't see a lot of things that nurture and support
Speaker 1: our young women. See things on Facebook that demean them,
Speaker 1: diminish them. I see things on social media that really,
Speaker 1: to me, are not about building the soul of a woman,
Speaker 1: the heart of a woman, the spirit of a woman.
Speaker 1: And yet when I talk to young women, their questions
Speaker 1: are just so exciting, and some of them, many of them,
Speaker 1: based on what they're seeing and what they're hearing, they
Speaker 1: feel they're not getting what they need, when the truth is,
Speaker 1: many of them are exactly where they need to be
Speaker 1: in their womanhood nests, but nobody is supporting that, and
Speaker 1: nobody's talking about that. And so very often when I
Speaker 1: talk to women in their forties and fifties who also
Speaker 1: feel lost and left behind, I wreck agnize that as women,
Speaker 1: we're not being guided anymore. We're not being nurtured and
Speaker 1: supported through the stages of womanhood that are so important.
Speaker 1: So today I just want to answer some women's questions.
Speaker 1: Let's just talk. Let's just have a girlfriend conversation, because
Speaker 1: I am a grandma and I am a auntie. I
Speaker 1: just want to know what do you want to know
Speaker 1: and what can I share with you that will support
Speaker 1: you on your journey? Hello, but love and welcome to
Speaker 1: the arts. But thank you for your patience. What is
Speaker 1: your relationship challenge, issue dilemma that we're gonna chew on
Speaker 1: together today? And I'm twenty eight years old, I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm on a constant race of chasing happiness and joy.
Speaker 1: I used to chase that through people and experiences, but
Speaker 1: now I'm trying to chase happiness in myself. And I
Speaker 1: feel like I've come along a way and living in
Speaker 1: existence in this world with intention, but I still feel
Speaker 1: like there's something inside of me that I just haven't
Speaker 1: reached yet. So I just had a couple of questions
Speaker 1: for you when you were twenty eight, What was your
Speaker 1: self discovery journey like? And what advice would you give
Speaker 1: to someone like myself trying to increase my self confidence,
Speaker 1: myself words for myself seeing all those things, Well, that's
Speaker 1: such a lovely and delicious question. Let me wipe the
Speaker 1: corners of my mouth. When I was twenty eight years old,
Speaker 1: I was crazy as hell. I was crazy as hell.
Speaker 1: If you opened the dictionary and so dysfunctional, you would
Speaker 1: have saw my picture. Now that may not beat true
Speaker 1: for you, but that was true for me. I was
Speaker 1: crazy as hell at twenty eight. I was in a
Speaker 1: dysfunctional marriage and abusive marriage. I had three children. And
Speaker 1: the thing that I discovered probably around twenty eight years old,
Speaker 1: because that's such a pivotal time in a woman's life.
Speaker 1: Twenty eight we're rolling right up on thirty and we're
Speaker 1: transitioning from being the princess in life, you know, young, carefree, happy,
Speaker 1: go lucky, to becoming a woman. So it's a critical
Speaker 1: time in our life as a woman because it means
Speaker 1: that we really got to look at who we are
Speaker 1: and what we're doing, what works and what doesn't work,
Speaker 1: and what we see is possible for ourselves. And at
Speaker 1: twenty eight I didn't see any possibilities for myself none.
Speaker 1: I was with a man who was beating every other day.
Speaker 1: I had three children that I knew I had to
Speaker 1: provide for. I had no family support, no education, no money,
Speaker 1: and I was really managing that, trying to make it work.
Speaker 1: But the key word that you said that is so wonderful.
Speaker 1: What I realized that twenty eight is that I didn't
Speaker 1: have a self. So I couldn't have worth or confidence,
Speaker 1: or esteem or value because I never had a self.
Speaker 1: I had who they told me I was. I had
Speaker 1: who they demonstrated I was. I had what the world said.
Speaker 1: I didn't have a self. And that was my work
Speaker 1: for many many years. Yeah, and that's one of my frustrations.
Speaker 1: And like he's trying to figure out who I am
Speaker 1: because she looked around me people who are seemingly like
Speaker 1: in the knowing of the authentic self. I want that.
Speaker 1: I don't want to ford who I am. I don't
Speaker 1: want to rehearse so I am. I just want to
Speaker 1: be me down to the core and it's just like frustrated. No,
Speaker 1: you're in the right place, I'm telling you, did you
Speaker 1: hear me? I was twenty eight, I was crazy as hell,
Speaker 1: and I thought that I was supposed to know these things.
Speaker 1: But as as I continued on my journey, as I
Speaker 1: continued looking and asking, it unfolded so that by the
Speaker 1: time I was thirty two, I was seated in myself
Speaker 1: so that I could build my confidence and develop my
Speaker 1: worth and strengthen my esteem and established my value. You
Speaker 1: are exactly where you need to be right now at
Speaker 1: the age or end. Isn't that wonderful? Yes? And you
Speaker 1: know it's so unfortunate in our society that we think
Speaker 1: we should know these things and we shouldn't. But you're
Speaker 1: asking the right questions, beloved, at the right time. I'm
Speaker 1: so happy for you. So what I can do is
Speaker 1: give you the formula that I use. I can do
Speaker 1: that for you, and then it's your journey. Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: I'm so excited. Do you know how many women don't
Speaker 1: know to ask this question at your age and so
Speaker 1: they go around life lost. But you're right where you
Speaker 1: need to be, doing exactly what you need to be
Speaker 1: doing at this time. I promise you. So here are
Speaker 1: the questions that you have to ask. And you get
Speaker 1: these answers through your journal. You get these answers through
Speaker 1: just trying out new things. You get these answers through
Speaker 1: giving yourself permission to no thing. You get these answers
Speaker 1: through prayer. You get these answers through meditation. And here's
Speaker 1: the first one. Who am I? All right? And the
Speaker 1: way you answer that question, and this is a really
Speaker 1: good exercise. I am So you ask that question? Who
Speaker 1: am I? I used to just write a list. I
Speaker 1: am a woman, I am a mother, I am you know.
Speaker 1: For me, I was a black woman. I'm a Native woman.
Speaker 1: I am a sensitive person. I am a pain in
Speaker 1: the butt sometimes I am you know, I am you know,
Speaker 1: a creative woman. And I just would write a list
Speaker 1: and then i'd go back through the list and I'd
Speaker 1: cross out the things that I wasn't and I'd cross
Speaker 1: out the things or I'd add more things to it.
Speaker 1: And then I'd say, okay, so am I doing this?
Speaker 1: Am I being a woman today? Am I being a
Speaker 1: mother today? Am I being a paint in the butt today?
Speaker 1: Am I being creative today? That's That's what I did
Speaker 1: for years. So that's the first question, who am I?
Speaker 1: The next question I would ask myself is what matters
Speaker 1: to me? What matters to me? And again, this is
Speaker 1: all journal work. This is all mirror work. Get in
Speaker 1: the mirror, talk to yourself and write it out in
Speaker 1: your journal. What matters to me. The other thing is, Okay,
Speaker 1: these matters to me. You know what matters to me.
Speaker 1: Peace matters to me, freedom matters to me. You know,
Speaker 1: a beautiful home matters to me. Being a good person
Speaker 1: matters to me. Being a good mom matters to me.
Speaker 1: That straight cats have food that matters to me. And
Speaker 1: then I asked myself, well am I am? Am I
Speaker 1: being good mom today? Am I feeding the stray cats today?
Speaker 1: Another question you ask yourself is what do I want?
Speaker 1: What do I want? And you make your lists What
Speaker 1: do I want? I want this out, I want to
Speaker 1: car I want you know, I want to lose ten pounds.
Speaker 1: I want to be a better person. What do I want?
Speaker 1: And then I ask myself, Okay, what do I need
Speaker 1: to do to be a more loving person? What do
Speaker 1: I need to do to be a kind of person?
Speaker 1: What do I need to do to be to have
Speaker 1: more peace in my life? What do I need to
Speaker 1: do to have more freedom in whatever matters to me?
Speaker 1: And then what do I want? Just another thing to
Speaker 1: think about? Right about? Focus on? And I mean, you
Speaker 1: don't sit around writing this stuff all day. You go
Speaker 1: about your life. But these are the questions. So when
Speaker 1: certain things come up in your life, you're gonna have
Speaker 1: to say, oh, you know, I ain't even arguing about
Speaker 1: that because that don't matter to me. Or this is
Speaker 1: this is not what I want. So I'm no longer
Speaker 1: going to engage with this or you or it or
Speaker 1: whatever it is. This is not what I want. I
Speaker 1: don't want this. And you really broke down boundaries for
Speaker 1: me in one of your artspots videos, because I have
Speaker 1: been a whole much of your videos during a clime
Speaker 1: of my life where I was super just anxiety depression,
Speaker 1: and so I like drowned myself in your words wisdom man,
Speaker 1: you taught me and you grow down what boundaries were,
Speaker 1: and it really helps. But sometimes I feel like I'll
Speaker 1: be going overboard with boundaries because I've been hurt. So well,
Speaker 1: don't create boundaries because you've been hurt. Create boundaries to
Speaker 1: keep yourself safe. Don't let it be the hurt that
Speaker 1: draws the boundary, because then you'll put up a wall.
Speaker 1: If you let what happened in the past establish what
Speaker 1: you do now, you'll be creating a wall, not a boundary.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you? Yes? Another good question
Speaker 1: is what do I see for myself? That's really important,
Speaker 1: particularly for a woman of your age. Can you see
Speaker 1: it in your mind? Can you see things being different?
Speaker 1: Can you see yourself growing? Can you see yourself with
Speaker 1: that house, with that car, with the good job, with
Speaker 1: the loving man. It's crazy because okay, yeah, I still
Speaker 1: feel there's something missing its sides, but I definitely see
Speaker 1: myself getting better. Is it missing or is it growing
Speaker 1: and developing or is it just not mature yet. It
Speaker 1: may be there, but it just hasn't matured because it
Speaker 1: just wasn't time. See, in every woman's life, we have
Speaker 1: a blessing that's something that we bring to life and
Speaker 1: what we offer the world. We have a gift that
Speaker 1: means there's something that we can do in a way
Speaker 1: that nobody else can do it. Nobody All of us
Speaker 1: have a gift. And it doesn't mean that we're going
Speaker 1: to have a TV show or write a book or whatever.
Speaker 1: It's some kind of gift. They may be listening and
Speaker 1: maybe cooking, it may be whatever. Every woman has a gift.
Speaker 1: Every woman has a lesson, something that she must learn
Speaker 1: and master, and she's going to face that over and
Speaker 1: over and over in her life until she learns a
Speaker 1: lesson and until she masters it. Every woman has a grace,
Speaker 1: meaning there's some gift that she continues to get from
Speaker 1: the universe. It's an intimate connection that you know, she
Speaker 1: gives to the universe. Like I'm a very loyal person.
Speaker 1: I'm loyal. I'm loyal to a form fault. And sometimes
Speaker 1: the grace that I receive is people who come who
Speaker 1: can abuse my loyalty. God will just pluck them right
Speaker 1: out my life. They just disappear, like my husband, Like
Speaker 1: my husband who used to beat me, he just disappeared, Okay.
Speaker 1: And every woman has an emotional character. We call it
Speaker 1: her heart, and that's just who she is. Some women
Speaker 1: are nurturers, some women are bullies, some women are controllers,
Speaker 1: some women are good friends. We all have a heart
Speaker 1: and we all have a healing something that we live
Speaker 1: through this life to heal and we'll repeat it over
Speaker 1: and over. So your lesson at your age it's tender
Speaker 1: inner authority, meaning everything that you do, everything that you offer,
Speaker 1: everything that comes from inner authority. And if it doesn't
Speaker 1: feel right in your gut, I don't care who it is,
Speaker 1: don't do it. So what you're saying you don't have
Speaker 1: I think it's just developing. You had another question or
Speaker 1: did I get them all? I think you've got all.
Speaker 1: I just really appreciate you taking our call. It can
Speaker 1: to me. You just a woman who I value the
Speaker 1: things that you say and the steps that you take,
Speaker 1: and I just really appreciate you speaking to me one
Speaker 1: on one. Thank you. Do you have a grandma? I do.
Speaker 1: She's so sweet. Lula May, Okay, Lula May. Let me
Speaker 1: tell you something. You go sit with Lula May. You
Speaker 1: go have tea with Lula May, and you ask her,
Speaker 1: Lula May, grandma, what do you call a granny? Grandma? Grannie?
Speaker 1: Tell I want to know everything you know about being
Speaker 1: a woman. Now. I don't know what generation come she
Speaker 1: comes through from, So some of those things you may
Speaker 1: have to filter. But talk to Lula May. Because these
Speaker 1: teachings that I'm sharing with you, this is what the
Speaker 1: young girls used to get from Grandma before we had
Speaker 1: social media. So you go to Lula May and you
Speaker 1: ask her, tell me everything you can tell me about
Speaker 1: being a woman, the good ad, What did you learn?
Speaker 1: How'd you learn it? Because these are the teachings that
Speaker 1: the elders, the wise women give to the young women.
Speaker 1: But baby, I want you to hear this. You are
Speaker 1: right on time. These are exactly the questions you should
Speaker 1: be asking. And have faith that what you want it's
Speaker 1: developing in you. Thank you for calling, beloved, Take a
Speaker 1: care all right, I will bye bye. When I was young,
Speaker 1: it was much more common for grandmothers and aunties to
Speaker 1: teach the upcoming generation, you know, to guide them into womanhood.
Speaker 1: I can remember when all my aunties would sit around
Speaker 1: playing pinuckle and telling stories. And sometimes they would tell me,
Speaker 1: come here, girl, let me tell you this, and other
Speaker 1: times they would say, girl, go away, you don't need
Speaker 1: to be hearing that. And now the further I get
Speaker 1: into this our spot journey, the more I realized that
Speaker 1: this type of guidance, grandma guidance, auntie guidance, wise woman
Speaker 1: guidance is exactly what so many young women are missing today,
Speaker 1: and as a result, they're going astray. After the break,
Speaker 1: we'll come back with my second caller, who has a
Speaker 1: similar issue, but for a very different reason. We'll talk
Speaker 1: to her when we come back. Welcome back to the
Speaker 1: our spot. Today, we're talking about guidance. Mothering means this teaching, nurturing, guiding, supporting, nourishing.
Speaker 1: That's what mother means. She's the one who nourishes, who nurtures,
Speaker 1: who guides, who supports, and some women don't know how
Speaker 1: to do that. Take a listen. Greetings beloved, Welcome to
Speaker 1: the art spot. I understand that you have a relationship
Speaker 1: challenge you want us to chew on together today. Yes, ma'am, so,
Speaker 1: I have a really straneous relationship with my mother. It
Speaker 1: started when I was a kid and it kind of
Speaker 1: evolved into something crazy. When I turned a teenager, I
Speaker 1: was diagnosed as bipolar and autistic, and the way my mother,
Speaker 1: the way my mother handled that just wasn't the best.
Speaker 1: I come from a lineage. Okay, take a breath. Wait
Speaker 1: a minute, take a breath right there. Take a breath
Speaker 1: right there. Take a breath right there. I was diagnosed
Speaker 1: as bipolar as a teenager, and the way my mother
Speaker 1: handled it was not the best. And that made me
Speaker 1: feel what what didn't make you feel the way your
Speaker 1: mother handled abandoned. Okay, good, take a breath, because I
Speaker 1: heard you say that, and then you were running on
Speaker 1: to something else. But sometimes we have to stop and
Speaker 1: witness our pain. Okay, good, made you feel abandoned and
Speaker 1: then what happened? So you know, I don't think she
Speaker 1: knew how to handle and deal with me. And I
Speaker 1: granted I was rebellious, I was confused, I was angry.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what was going on with me. In hindsight,
Speaker 1: I lived in a household where my stepfather was abusive,
Speaker 1: and he also was abusing my mother, which caused him
Speaker 1: to have a divorce, and she was just going through
Speaker 1: her own bouts and whatnot as well. So the idea
Speaker 1: of having the daughter being diagnosed as such through all
Speaker 1: of this was something she was like, when I'm not
Speaker 1: dealing with this. We're not doing this. Your grandmother's bipolar.
Speaker 1: This that in the third not my child. I'm not
Speaker 1: having it. So I was a little rebellious, or I
Speaker 1: was a lot rebellious to the way that she wanted
Speaker 1: me to seek. You know, care my mental illness was
Speaker 1: used in defense and her divorce, but it really wasn't
Speaker 1: a let's get down to the core of how do
Speaker 1: I help you, Why do you feel the way that
Speaker 1: you feel? How can I help you understand what your
Speaker 1: illness is, and how can I help you progress through life?
Speaker 1: With this, it just was always a tool against my stepfather.
Speaker 1: So with that, I fought my mother on that and
Speaker 1: I eventually was taken from her home by CPS, and
Speaker 1: then she took me to court to be me mentally incompetent.
Speaker 1: The judge threw that out because at the time I
Speaker 1: was interning for a radio station was doing well. There
Speaker 1: was just no way I was mentally competent. And because
Speaker 1: that happened, people started looking at my mother's a certain
Speaker 1: way and questioning her, and then that just became this
Speaker 1: whole on war and just mirror campaign to the point
Speaker 1: that I was exiled from my family. If anybody had
Speaker 1: a relationship with me, my mother cut them off. I
Speaker 1: couldn't have a relationship with my grandmother, I couldn't have
Speaker 1: a relationship with my sister. The only person that I
Speaker 1: had a relationship with was my stepfather, who again at
Speaker 1: that time, was abusive, but he was the only one
Speaker 1: that got a lawyer. It kind of helped me fight
Speaker 1: this whole incompetent charge or a situation with my mom,
Speaker 1: and my mom looked at me as was crazy. I
Speaker 1: was the devil, I was the Antichrist because I was
Speaker 1: working with him and this that in the third and
Speaker 1: I tried to explain to my mother it wasn't me
Speaker 1: trying to work with the enemy. I felt like I
Speaker 1: was fighting for my life. You were trying to take
Speaker 1: my rights away as a basic human being. And yeah,
Speaker 1: this man probably used it as a pon in your divorce,
Speaker 1: but what else was I supposed to do? You weren't
Speaker 1: acting as a mother. So that's just been the ongoing
Speaker 1: struggle for the past fifteen years. So I stopped talking
Speaker 1: to my mother. I turned thirty last year and just
Speaker 1: has struggled NonStop with this situation of just not feeling excepted,
Speaker 1: not feeling onted, just being in horrible relationships with men,
Speaker 1: not being able to have positive relationships with women in
Speaker 1: my life, just struggling. So I finally started going through therapy,
Speaker 1: started doing the work. I actually have one of your books,
Speaker 1: and just going through each of my feelings like abandonment
Speaker 1: and recognizing it and just trying to stop those feelings
Speaker 1: at that moment, and it just seems like nothing has worked.
Speaker 1: So I contacted my mother, hoping that maybe if I
Speaker 1: were kindled this relationship, things which is magically go away
Speaker 1: and be better. And for two weeks things are fine,
Speaker 1: and my mother came. She came to visit me, to see,
Speaker 1: you know, my house where I lived, my whole situation,
Speaker 1: and it was almost as a she came with an agenda,
Speaker 1: as if she just wanted to, you know, see what
Speaker 1: was going on, see the negatives in my life, so
Speaker 1: she can have the story to take back home to
Speaker 1: further prove her case as to why I'm crazy and
Speaker 1: why nobody should talk to me and deal with me.
Speaker 1: This is like the most painful thing, Like I like
Speaker 1: it literally, like I'm in a mental fault, Like I
Speaker 1: just I get sick, like I mean, and I have
Speaker 1: these bouts of where I just stay at home and
Speaker 1: I'm in bed for days on end. And I know
Speaker 1: a lot of it has to do with the fact
Speaker 1: that I'm bipolar. I know a lot of it deals
Speaker 1: with the anxiety and the anxiousness I get from being autistic.
Speaker 1: But it just seems like what the hell is the
Speaker 1: point of living, Like if this is the consistent consisus
Speaker 1: of my life, I mean, what do I do? I
Speaker 1: know this can't be what God meant for me? But
Speaker 1: but how do I get above it? My moon be?
Speaker 1: I'm mad like this, this can't be what this can't
Speaker 1: be God has scripted from me. I don't just I
Speaker 1: don't know what else to do anymore. I'm out of
Speaker 1: I don't know. Okay, you do know, you absolutely do know.
Speaker 1: I'm so angry. I'm so angry. Yes, yeah, what are
Speaker 1: you angry about? What are you angry about? Mother? I'm
Speaker 1: angry that she would let me feel this way. I'm
Speaker 1: angry that she's pride. She valued her pride over my life,
Speaker 1: over my sanity, over my emotions. I'm angry at the
Speaker 1: fact that my mother knows that the ship that she
Speaker 1: does is wrong, but she doesn't have the audacity just
Speaker 1: to be a human being in to say I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I understand certain things that I did was wrong. As
Speaker 1: a parent, I can't get that from her. How can
Speaker 1: the person that brought me into this world feel like
Speaker 1: this about me? What did I do that it's so wrong?
Speaker 1: I was a child? Well, let me ask you something.
Speaker 1: You're not a child Now you're not a child. Now
Speaker 1: you're an accomplished woman. And you may be bipolar, so what?
Speaker 1: And you may be autistic, so what? You are an accomplished, bipolar,
Speaker 1: autistic adult. Let me ask you this question, why do
Speaker 1: you need it from your mother now? Because I love
Speaker 1: my mother and I want my mother to love me.
Speaker 1: She loves you the only way she knows how, and
Speaker 1: it is not satisfactory. I heard you say that you're engaged.
Speaker 1: Is this the first man you've ever been in relationship with? No,
Speaker 1: it's not okay. So if you were in relationship with
Speaker 1: a man and he wasn't loving you the way you
Speaker 1: wanted to be loved, if he wasn't treating you the
Speaker 1: way you wanted to be treated, he wasn't talking to
Speaker 1: you the way you wanted to be spoken to, what
Speaker 1: would you do? Would you stay in relationship with him? No?
Speaker 1: I would leave? Oh yeah, So why can't you do
Speaker 1: that with your mother? Because that's the woman that brought
Speaker 1: me into this world. That's different me, that's the woman
Speaker 1: that gave birth to you. There's a distinction between a
Speaker 1: woman who gives birth and a woman who mothers. Those
Speaker 1: are not the same thing. There's a lot of women
Speaker 1: who give birth who are not mothers. They don't know
Speaker 1: how to be, they don't want to be, they choose
Speaker 1: not to be. They give the birth for whatever reason.
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that they're know how to mother. And
Speaker 1: for whatever reason. What if you chose a woman who
Speaker 1: gave birth to you and doesn't know how to mother you. Now,
Speaker 1: in the best case scenario, when she recognizes, okay, I'm
Speaker 1: not doing this right, she gets some help, you know,
Speaker 1: some insight, usually from older women, her mother or her
Speaker 1: mother's mother or auntie or somebody, and other women say,
Speaker 1: you know, oh well, this is what it is. Deal
Speaker 1: with it. And it sounds to me like that may
Speaker 1: be what you're the woman who gave birth to you
Speaker 1: is doing. So why do you need it from her today?
Speaker 1: Because I've had I thought that I had it before.
Speaker 1: The relationship that me and my mother had once upon
Speaker 1: a time, before all of this transpired, my mother used
Speaker 1: to be my best friend. I idolized my mother. I
Speaker 1: looked up to my mother and to me, and the
Speaker 1: blink of an eye for that to snap and just
Speaker 1: disappear was really traumatic and I still have yet the
Speaker 1: process that and I want that back. I greed that relationship,
Speaker 1: that it's just something that I want and something that
Speaker 1: I feel like I need. I don't know why I
Speaker 1: feel that way. I wish I didn't feel that way.
Speaker 1: I pray that I didn't, But for whatever reason, it's
Speaker 1: just like it's something that I well, it's something that
Speaker 1: you want. You don't need it something that you want.
Speaker 1: What you need is to be nurtured and nourished and supported.
Speaker 1: That's what you need. You want it to come from
Speaker 1: your mother. And I don't know how many ways she's
Speaker 1: going to have to demonstrate to you that either she
Speaker 1: doesn't want to or she can. It's unkind to you,
Speaker 1: it's unloving to you. So now you're doing to yourself
Speaker 1: what you accuse her of doing, which is abandoning you,
Speaker 1: neglecting you, violating you, abusing you. You're doing it to
Speaker 1: yourself now, and that will lead to the depression, and
Speaker 1: that will lead to the end of my life. Because
Speaker 1: your mother is your heart you No, she's a seat
Speaker 1: in the core of your feeling. No, I mean why
Speaker 1: you're crying like that because I hear and I understand
Speaker 1: what you're saying, and I wish that there was just
Speaker 1: the way that I didn't have that need like my
Speaker 1: mother is my heart, my mother is. It's almost like
Speaker 1: she's a driving factor and whatever I do, like I'm
Speaker 1: gonna do this to show my mother, or I'm gonna
Speaker 1: do this so she can see, or I'm gonna do
Speaker 1: this and maybe one day she'll be like, oh, that's
Speaker 1: my drive. It. She's always been a driving factor in
Speaker 1: anything and everything that I do, even with trying to
Speaker 1: do therapy and work on myself. Okay, maybe I am
Speaker 1: this person that she thinks that I am, Well, let
Speaker 1: me fix and work on myself. It's just it's like
Speaker 1: she's always been that, just that that drive and everything
Speaker 1: that I have. So just disconnecting from that don't matter
Speaker 1: if it's painful or not. It's just a hard thing
Speaker 1: to do because that's all that I have that connects
Speaker 1: me to that woman. Having a relationship with her it's
Speaker 1: literally I don't know, I feel like it's the only
Speaker 1: thing I want in life. Honestly, a dysfunctional, abusive relationship
Speaker 1: that you keep insisting is some other way, and it's
Speaker 1: not another way. You do have a relationship with her.
Speaker 1: It may not be the one you want, but it's
Speaker 1: what you got. And until you accept that that's what
Speaker 1: you got. You're never gonna have the one you want.
Speaker 1: I want to ask you a question. I heard you
Speaker 1: say that you've I guess you've established your career for yourself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and you're doing things in your life. Yeah. Why aren't
Speaker 1: you enough for you? Why aren't you enough for you?
Speaker 1: I don't know, would you like to be? Oh? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that little girl that your mother abandoned and abused and
Speaker 1: the way you experienced it, she's really running your life
Speaker 1: because I don't hear this accomplished adult woman standing up
Speaker 1: for herself and taking care of herself. I hear a
Speaker 1: little girl who's dependent upon her mother. And maybe what life,
Speaker 1: universe God is trying to tell you is you have
Speaker 1: to be enough for you so that you don't need her.
Speaker 1: You can want her, but right now you're in you're
Speaker 1: standing in the knee, and as an adult, it's your
Speaker 1: responsibility to provide for your own needs. And I'm not
Speaker 1: making light of the situate. You know, there are people
Speaker 1: who had great relationships with their moms and their moms die,
Speaker 1: or there's people who had great relationships with their mom
Speaker 1: and it fell apart, just like yours, for whatever reason.
Speaker 1: But Your mother is not your supply. Your mother is
Speaker 1: not your lifeline. You are the When are you going
Speaker 1: to be enough for you? I don't know's I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna say it sounds no, it doesn't sound easy. But
Speaker 1: here are two things I want you to get. The
Speaker 1: little girl. I don't know how old she is. She
Speaker 1: sounds like to be maybe thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, because she's
Speaker 1: very belligerent. This is what I want and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have it. And if I don't have it, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: hold my breath till I turned purple. You gotta get
Speaker 1: her in chat. And this is what you have to
Speaker 1: tell her right now. You're a motherless shy. She just
Speaker 1: has to know that, and she don't like it, and
Speaker 1: she may be sad about it, she may be angry
Speaker 1: about it. But right now, that fifteen year old inside
Speaker 1: of you that's running your life, when did this breakdown happen?
Speaker 1: When you and your mother when she took you to
Speaker 1: court fifteen? Okay, you have to let her know you're
Speaker 1: a motherless child. For whatever reason. Even though her mother
Speaker 1: is alive, moving, breathing, talking, walking, whatever, she's a motherless shy.
Speaker 1: Tell me what you hear me saying when I say
Speaker 1: that to you, that I'm alone and I'm in this
Speaker 1: world by myself, and that that's it. Now you know
Speaker 1: that's not what I said, but that's what you heard,
Speaker 1: and that's what's important. Because you have a fiance and
Speaker 1: you have you. But if you feel alone and if
Speaker 1: you feel like you're in this world by yourself, you're
Speaker 1: thinking about the situation, and your thoughts lead you to
Speaker 1: do certain things and require and demand certain things. And
Speaker 1: until you get to the point where you are enough
Speaker 1: for you, your mother will be the driving force in
Speaker 1: your life. You've given her all your power and you
Speaker 1: have this idyllic view of what it's going to look like.
Speaker 1: Your mother is who she is. Cannot live the rest
Speaker 1: of your life demanding, insisting, requiring, expecting something from somebody
Speaker 1: that they've demonstrated they're not able or willing to give you.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: You're a smart lady. The fact that your bipolar or
Speaker 1: autistic you have had such a beautiful, clear conversation with me.
Speaker 1: I want you to say something and let's see weird
Speaker 1: lands in your body. Okay, okaya, say this for me.
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me.
Speaker 1: Say it again. There's nothing wrong with me. Okay, take
Speaker 1: a breath. I want you to drop below your neck.
Speaker 1: You don't have to know how to do that. Just
Speaker 1: hear what I'm saying. Drop below your neck, focus right
Speaker 1: in the center of your chest, right between your breast,
Speaker 1: and say it again. There is nothing wrong. Okay. Where
Speaker 1: do you feel that in your body? My shoulders, Yeah,
Speaker 1: your shoulders. Say it again and see if you're feel
Speaker 1: in any place different. Take a breath. Say it again.
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with there's nothing wrong with me. Ah now,
Speaker 1: wh do you feel like? It's still on my shoulders
Speaker 1: but it wasn't as as strong. There's nothing wrong with me.
Speaker 1: Say it again. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm okay, yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: come on, that's good. We're just we're just dislodging energy
Speaker 1: from the I don't know how many scripts you have.
Speaker 1: There's something wrong with me in your body. You're just
Speaker 1: bringing it up, that's all. Yeah, to get it out. Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah, breathe,
Speaker 1: Let's just say it again. There's nothing wrong with me.
Speaker 1: With me, now you may have a diagnosis of being bipolar.
Speaker 1: You may have a diagnosis of being autistic. Doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong. Wrong is
Speaker 1: the key word. There's nothing wrong with me. That's the
Speaker 1: key word. These things may be going on, but there's
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with me. Doesn't mean I don't feel this way,
Speaker 1: but there's nothing wrong with me. The next statement, I
Speaker 1: really want you to be present with I am enough
Speaker 1: for me. I may not always feel like it, but
Speaker 1: I'm enough for me. Yeah, and I'm angry that my
Speaker 1: mother doesn't see it, but I am enough for me.
Speaker 1: I'm angry that my mother doesn't see it. I'm enough
Speaker 1: for me. That word, but I'm angry. But that word
Speaker 1: stands for belief under transition. So there's a belief that
Speaker 1: you hold that those statements will transform from being a
Speaker 1: lie to being the truth whenever you say. But there's
Speaker 1: a belief undergoing transition. So you have a belief that
Speaker 1: there's something wrong with you. You have a belief that
Speaker 1: your mother should You have a belief that your mother shouldn't.
Speaker 1: You have a belief that because of what your mother did,
Speaker 1: it has limited you or whatever it's done to you,
Speaker 1: it's nothing wrong with you and you are enough for you.
Speaker 1: That's where you got to get to breathe. You're not breathing.
Speaker 1: You gotta learn how to breathe through. Tell me what
Speaker 1: you hear me saying. It doesn't matter what words you use.
Speaker 1: I want to hear what's going on in your mind
Speaker 1: that despite all of this, I'm enough. Hey, so even
Speaker 1: you might want to make a little song out of it,
Speaker 1: a little rap song. I'm a motherless child, but that's okay.
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with me today. Yeah, I'm gonna make
Speaker 1: a whole monster out of it. Yeah, I'm enough for
Speaker 1: me today, and that's how it's gonna be. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm a motherless child and that's okay. Make it up,
Speaker 1: because what you're just trying to do is break the
Speaker 1: habit and transform those beliefs. Not taking your situation lightly
Speaker 1: at all. You're just transforming those beliefs until you can
Speaker 1: do better. I'm worthy of whatever I wanted. Yeah, as
Speaker 1: to think, we don't know what she thinks. What if
Speaker 1: she's a crazy one. You're putting all of your eggs
Speaker 1: in her basket. Never thought about that? Yeah, so what
Speaker 1: if you're the healthiest one in the room, what if, Yeah,
Speaker 1: what if all of this was just an opportunity for
Speaker 1: you to learn how to be enough for you so
Speaker 1: that you don't have to need her. What if you
Speaker 1: can learn to prosper without her, be happy without her,
Speaker 1: live your life without her. What if doesn't mean you
Speaker 1: can't send her a birthday card, a Christmas card? But
Speaker 1: what if you choose not to? And none of this
Speaker 1: is easy but you're built for it. Otherwise you wouldn't
Speaker 1: be talking to me. You could be on Amazon shopping
Speaker 1: for Choose and you over here talking to me. Okay,
Speaker 1: I hear your brain turning. What are you thinking? I
Speaker 1: can't leave you alone with them thoughts? What do you
Speaker 1: think kid? Right now, that I don't deserve to carry
Speaker 1: all of this, and I deserve to feel free, I
Speaker 1: deserve to feel light. I mean, it makes sense to me,
Speaker 1: even my relationships and interactions with other people. As a kid,
Speaker 1: I never felt heard by my mother, and even sometimes
Speaker 1: in disagreements with my fiance, I feel like I'm not heard,
Speaker 1: or at work, I feel like I'm not at heard,
Speaker 1: I'm not heard with friends, and it just all feems
Speaker 1: from the same thing. And I want to offer you
Speaker 1: a little coaching here. I heard you say I deserve.
Speaker 1: Absolutely you do. But until we free up that energy,
Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to say, I choose because
Speaker 1: choice is your power. When you say I deserve, whatever
Speaker 1: comes after that indicates that somebody has either taken it
Speaker 1: or is withholding it. And I want you to be
Speaker 1: squarely in the driver's seat of all of this. So
Speaker 1: I choose to have what I'm worthy of. I choose
Speaker 1: to have what I desire. I choose to be enough
Speaker 1: for myself. I choose to see myself as whole, hell,
Speaker 1: healthy and complete. I've got some challenges, but I choose
Speaker 1: not to let those challenges run my life. I choose.
Speaker 1: Choice is your power. Yes, you deserve it all, but
Speaker 1: you've got to choose it. Does that make sense to you? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Tell me what you know now that you didn't know
Speaker 1: when you call. There's nothing wrong with me? All right,
Speaker 1: now you better tell it. You better tell that truth?
Speaker 1: And what else? And I am enough for me? Yeah?
Speaker 1: And that's what I choose to be enough for me.
Speaker 1: Good for you, all right, sweetie, Thank you, my love,
Speaker 1: bye bye. I said it once and now say it again.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, do I have a new book to write?
Speaker 1: But here's what I'll teach each of you young ladies
Speaker 1: listening or even the young man listening to me right now,
Speaker 1: you are growing into your power and that is a
Speaker 1: sacred process, a sacred process that takes time. You don't
Speaker 1: have to figure it all out right now. What you
Speaker 1: should be doing is exactly what you are doing. And
Speaker 1: if you are a young lady, I want to encourage
Speaker 1: you to look for a grandma or an auntie or
Speaker 1: a wise woman to guide you. And even when you
Speaker 1: don't like what she is saying, listen, listen and keep
Speaker 1: listening to the our Spot because it feels like I've
Speaker 1: got a lot of guidance still to offer. See you
Speaker 1: next time. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
Speaker 1: And if you have a question about this or any
Speaker 1: other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now
Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all
Speaker 1: of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace
Speaker 1: and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from
Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows,