WEBVTT - MAX LUCADO: How Happiness Happens 0:00:05.680 --> 0:00:09.920 Here we are for another episode of Love Someone, my 0:00:10.080 --> 0:00:15.600 attempt to shed light on a world that sometimes feels 0:00:15.680 --> 0:00:20.280 very dark. Sometimes you can get so overwhelmed with all 0:00:20.320 --> 0:00:25.480 the negative news that you just feel like, how can 0:00:25.520 --> 0:00:28.000 it get better? How can I make a difference? And 0:00:28.080 --> 0:00:30.720 on this podcast, we want to encourage you to do 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:34.919 just that, to love someone in a tangible way. I'm 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:38.240 not talking about romantic love. I'm talking about the kind 0:00:38.280 --> 0:00:43.040 of love that moves mountains, creates foundations, the kind of 0:00:43.120 --> 0:00:51.920 love that empowers people who feel powerless or overpowered by circumstances. 0:00:52.680 --> 0:00:56.800 We talk to ordinary people who are doing extraordinary things 0:00:57.360 --> 0:01:02.000 to change the world for good. Educators. We talked to 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:05.000 some of my favorite teachers, some of the people that 0:01:05.000 --> 0:01:08.920 were most impactful in shaping my life and my children's lives. 0:01:09.520 --> 0:01:14.080 We've talked to authors. We've talked to a homemaker who 0:01:14.319 --> 0:01:19.120 managed somehow to raise half a million dollars to get 0:01:19.160 --> 0:01:24.280 a football field installed in the northernmost part of Alaska 0:01:24.440 --> 0:01:28.960 on the frozen tundra. Everyone I talk with has done 0:01:29.040 --> 0:01:34.280 something to spread hope, to bring about healing, and to 0:01:34.400 --> 0:01:40.720 bring enthusiasm, passion, joy to the notion of stepping out 0:01:40.760 --> 0:01:45.959 of your comfort zone in order to inspire others or 0:01:46.000 --> 0:01:50.320 to help others in need. Today's guest is such a man. 0:01:50.440 --> 0:01:53.880 He has been doing this his entire career. Max Lucato. 0:01:54.360 --> 0:01:57.080 He's a minister. He is a best selling Christian author. 0:01:57.160 --> 0:02:01.120 He's written over one hundred books. You may know him 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:04.880 from some of his best loved titles Anxious for Nothing 0:02:05.080 --> 0:02:09.600 and Unshakable Hope. His latest book, How Happiness Happens, has 0:02:09.680 --> 0:02:12.520 just been published, and Max is taking some time out 0:02:12.560 --> 0:02:15.760 of his busy schedule today to chat with us again. 0:02:16.000 --> 0:02:18.640 I've known Max, I've talked to Max over the years, 0:02:19.280 --> 0:02:25.079 and he always brings something new to my heart. It's 0:02:25.200 --> 0:02:30.720 like music that moves you, and it's simple but powerful 0:02:30.800 --> 0:02:34.120 in its message. He cuts right to the point and 0:02:34.240 --> 0:02:39.360 he uses such beautiful analogies that you cannot help but 0:02:39.440 --> 0:02:43.480 be moved by his writings. Before we talk to Max, though, 0:02:43.800 --> 0:02:47.080 we're going to talk about my beloved sponsor that makes 0:02:47.120 --> 0:02:50.160 this show a possibility. There are several people that make 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:55.359 this show a possibility. My executive producer, Deanna, who is 0:02:55.400 --> 0:02:59.200 not only my executive producer, she's also my sister. And 0:02:59.600 --> 0:03:02.680 Miss Lisa, Lisa who has been a part of the 0:03:02.720 --> 0:03:07.280 Delilah team for twenty years, two decades, who puts all 0:03:07.320 --> 0:03:12.320 the elements together. Lyndy who happens to know Max and 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:17.400 his publisher and help me to arrange this conversation. So 0:03:17.480 --> 0:03:19.200 there's a lot of people who make this happen, but 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:22.960 it wouldn't happen without our sponsor, the Home Depot. They 0:03:23.000 --> 0:03:26.280 allow their team members to do some incredible things, some 0:03:26.440 --> 0:03:30.480 wonderful things for their communities throughout the year. One regularly 0:03:30.560 --> 0:03:34.720 scheduled event happens to be on the third Thursday of 0:03:34.920 --> 0:03:39.360 every single month. It's called the Do it Herself Workshops. 0:03:39.960 --> 0:03:43.400 Imagine spending an hour or two once a month learning 0:03:43.520 --> 0:03:46.280 how to use all the tools you might need to 0:03:46.360 --> 0:03:48.960 know how to use to keep your own home updated. 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:52.040 Do what her Self workshops are get togethers for you 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:55.400 and I and they're free. By the way, you learn 0:03:55.480 --> 0:03:58.120 how to make something different each time, and in the 0:03:58.200 --> 0:04:01.800 process of doing so, you actually learn how to use 0:04:01.800 --> 0:04:05.280 so many different tools. I've been going myself for years 0:04:05.320 --> 0:04:07.800 to these whenever I can, and they're a lot of fun. 0:04:08.280 --> 0:04:10.640 Sign up in advance so they know you're coming at 0:04:10.680 --> 0:04:14.360 the Home Depots website and remember they do it Herself 0:04:14.440 --> 0:04:20.640 Workshops are absolutely free. Hi Max, Welcome to the Delilah Show. 0:04:20.839 --> 0:04:22.000 Welcome to love. 0:04:21.920 --> 0:04:24.960 Someone, my favorite human being in the whole world. 0:04:26.760 --> 0:04:29.120 Don't tell your family you said that, It'll be our 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:29.839 little secret. 0:04:30.920 --> 0:04:32.200 Great to hear your voice. 0:04:32.320 --> 0:04:33.560 How are you, my friend. 0:04:34.440 --> 0:04:38.040 I'm doing well, I really am. I'm doing really well. 0:04:38.080 --> 0:04:39.360 How about you? 0:04:39.360 --> 0:04:41.440 You know I have good days, I have bad days, 0:04:41.760 --> 0:04:43.840 And when you lose a child, I think that's the 0:04:43.880 --> 0:04:46.000 way it's going to be for the rest of my life. 0:04:46.320 --> 0:04:47.200 I'm so sorry. 0:04:47.880 --> 0:04:49.640 So your book came at a good time. 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:54.360 Well, I sure wish I had some kind of magic 0:04:54.440 --> 0:04:57.159 wand to take all that heartache away from you. 0:04:58.080 --> 0:05:01.920 Rory Feak said something to me me shortly after Zach 0:05:02.040 --> 0:05:06.560 left and we were talking, and he said, Delilah, your 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:10.040 boys are much more a part of your future than 0:05:10.040 --> 0:05:12.520 they are a part of your past. He said, but 0:05:13.640 --> 0:05:16.520 they were only here for a short time. You've got 0:05:16.640 --> 0:05:20.320 all eternity to look forward to. And he said, they 0:05:20.320 --> 0:05:23.159 are such a part of your future now that you 0:05:23.240 --> 0:05:30.920 will look forward with such anticipation to that reunion. And wow, 0:05:32.279 --> 0:05:36.800 talk about a change in perspective. If there was an 0:05:36.880 --> 0:05:40.120 ounce of me that had ever feared the sting of death, 0:05:40.200 --> 0:05:44.880 before I'm like, huh. And when I keep that perspective, 0:05:45.760 --> 0:05:48.280 I can get through it because the what ifs will 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:50.320 drive you absolutely insane. 0:05:50.400 --> 0:05:54.080 They will, won't they They'll just beat us up. They will. 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:58.040 The other day I asked my wife if there's anything 0:05:58.200 --> 0:05:59.880 ever good that comes out of her. 0:06:00.720 --> 0:06:01.120 Nothing. 0:06:02.200 --> 0:06:04.479 I can't think of anything. I mean, there's there's a 0:06:04.480 --> 0:06:08.599 difference between regrets and lesson learned, right, I mean you 0:06:08.720 --> 0:06:10.719 learn a lesson to move on. I think a regret 0:06:10.880 --> 0:06:14.600 is when you keep reliving it, you just let it 0:06:14.720 --> 0:06:18.360 get a hold of you. Maybe that's that's the word. 0:06:18.440 --> 0:06:21.880 Instead of regret, it's regret because it gets us back 0:06:21.960 --> 0:06:26.960 and pulls us down. Yeah, there's nothing good that happens 0:06:26.960 --> 0:06:27.960 from regrets. 0:06:28.000 --> 0:06:32.720 Nothing good. So when somebody comes to you or talks 0:06:32.760 --> 0:06:36.720 to you, Max, who's gone through something like this, or 0:06:36.839 --> 0:06:41.520 like losing a marriage, or like being betrayed. You talk 0:06:41.560 --> 0:06:45.800 about in your other books several times betrayal and how 0:06:45.880 --> 0:06:50.440 that is just such a wound that takes us for 0:06:50.520 --> 0:06:53.120 a loop. How can you then say be happy? 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:56.440 Yeah? And and and that's kind of where I was 0:06:56.480 --> 0:07:00.640 coming from here. I've written this book on how happiness 0:07:00.680 --> 0:07:04.919 happens and just a couple of nights ago, a close 0:07:04.960 --> 0:07:07.640 friend asked a question, can I ever be happy again? 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:10.040 And I know this severe loss that he's gone through, 0:07:11.000 --> 0:07:14.440 and I just so much to want to do now. 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:17.520 I want to leave the impression that if a person 0:07:17.600 --> 0:07:21.240 has not always had this silly grin on their face 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:24.680 or a sense of good mood about them, that they're 0:07:24.720 --> 0:07:29.080 not people of faith or they've messed up. That's a 0:07:29.240 --> 0:07:31.560 last thing I want to communicate. I don't want people 0:07:31.600 --> 0:07:37.280 to feel unhappy about battling unhappiness. I wrote a book 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:40.400 on anxiety a couple of years ago, and a lady 0:07:40.440 --> 0:07:42.600 wrote me a long letter. She said, I just realized 0:07:42.640 --> 0:07:45.160 how anxious I am. I'm so anxious about being anxious. 0:07:45.360 --> 0:07:47.480 She had that line in the letter, and I wanted 0:07:47.480 --> 0:07:49.120 to say, do you see what you just wrote here? 0:07:50.960 --> 0:07:52.840 I said, I don't want you to be anxious about 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:57.040 being anxious. Here's kind of where I circle back, and 0:07:57.080 --> 0:07:59.640 that I really do think that there is a type 0:07:59.680 --> 0:08:04.800 of that can weather the storms of life, will still 0:08:04.800 --> 0:08:08.840 get beat up, will still get storm tossed. We won't 0:08:08.880 --> 0:08:12.400 be free from all the challenges. But I do believe 0:08:12.760 --> 0:08:16.640 that every person can honestly say, you know, God can 0:08:16.760 --> 0:08:20.120 grant me a joy that's going to generate a feeling 0:08:20.320 --> 0:08:23.640 or a sense of happiness that could be a difference 0:08:23.720 --> 0:08:27.480 maker in the lives even of other people, that I 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:30.320 could lift up my eyes away from my pain and 0:08:30.440 --> 0:08:33.839 starting to find purpose and find a way to begin 0:08:33.920 --> 0:08:37.120 to use this challenge I've been through in a way 0:08:37.160 --> 0:08:41.600 that helps other people. I would never wish for you 0:08:41.679 --> 0:08:43.520 to have to go through what you've gone through, ever, 0:08:43.600 --> 0:08:48.280 ever again, ever. In the beginning, I wish I so 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:50.040 much wish you wouldn't have had to go through this. 0:08:50.720 --> 0:08:52.680 But there's no doubt in my mind that you have 0:08:52.760 --> 0:08:56.560 a wisdom and a sensitivity and also a capacity to 0:08:56.600 --> 0:09:01.280 help other people because you're willing to be an source 0:09:01.320 --> 0:09:04.679 of encouragement to others. You speak with a sense of 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:10.559 seasoned wisdom that came as a result of this, and 0:09:10.000 --> 0:09:13.920 that ability to land somewhat on your feet even though 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:17.520 you continue to try to keep your balance is a 0:09:17.559 --> 0:09:20.760 source of inspiration for people like me and for others 0:09:20.760 --> 0:09:26.199 who are inspired and admire you so much. And the 0:09:26.200 --> 0:09:29.960 depth of pain that we feel, you know, when we 0:09:30.040 --> 0:09:35.120 lose somebody in some way, we're all connected. That's why 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:38.280 when we hear about somebody who has passed from this 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:42.600 life into heaven. Even if we don't know them well, 0:09:43.160 --> 0:09:46.040 there's still a tug in our hearts. There's a reason 0:09:46.480 --> 0:09:51.800 that these losses are so profound. These relationships are so 0:09:52.000 --> 0:09:55.600 deep and so personal, and they can bring us so 0:09:55.679 --> 0:09:58.960 much joy. And I do think that there is a 0:09:59.080 --> 0:10:02.200 level of joy and a level of happiness that is 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:06.640 fostered by fostering this kind of love. We all think, 0:10:06.760 --> 0:10:09.520 if I could just get more or acquire more and 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:13.960 retire early, then I'll really be happy. The truth of 0:10:14.000 --> 0:10:16.600 the matter is that there is a joy level a 0:10:16.720 --> 0:10:20.600 happiness that happens when we serve other people, when we 0:10:20.679 --> 0:10:24.400 love other people, when we care about other people. It's risky, 0:10:24.920 --> 0:10:29.480 you know, it's risky because that love may not be reciprocated, or, 0:10:29.640 --> 0:10:33.880 like you're feeling, that person may be gone someday. But 0:10:34.200 --> 0:10:37.959 the joy that comes from honestly loving and caring about 0:10:38.000 --> 0:10:44.360 another human being creates something that no Madison Avenue our 0:10:44.440 --> 0:10:48.160 marketing campaign can ever deliver. And it works for a 0:10:48.240 --> 0:10:50.800 little bit, you know. I mean, you buy a new 0:10:50.800 --> 0:10:53.760 car and you love that new car smell, or you know, 0:10:53.840 --> 0:10:56.480 you change your hair color and it's really nice and 0:10:56.960 --> 0:11:01.320 there's something that does happen, but then it begins to dissipate, 0:11:01.480 --> 0:11:06.120 it begins to fade away, and you have to recycle it. 0:11:06.320 --> 0:11:10.120 You have to go after the next thing. And when 0:11:10.200 --> 0:11:13.760 you get to be an old person like me, you know, 0:11:14.160 --> 0:11:20.200 if that's been your life, circumstantial happiness, happiness that happens 0:11:20.240 --> 0:11:23.680 only when your circumstances are different, it's easy to get bitter. 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:27.680 It's either to get bitter or get deeply sad, either 0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:30.439 bitter at the world because you got the raw deal, 0:11:30.640 --> 0:11:34.080 or deeply sad and say, well, that happiness was never 0:11:34.280 --> 0:11:36.640 intended to come my way. Well, the truth of the 0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:39.360 matter is it was there. You're just knocking on the 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:43.679 wrong door. And I do think that you know, people 0:11:43.720 --> 0:11:46.880 are not happy these days. To Lilah that only one 0:11:46.920 --> 0:11:49.600 out of three Americans says they're happy, the only one 0:11:49.600 --> 0:11:50.760 out of three. 0:11:50.960 --> 0:11:52.880 And those are the ones that listen to my show. 0:11:57.600 --> 0:11:58.880 Well you make me happy. 0:11:59.400 --> 0:12:00.800 I'm just thank you. 0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:03.800 But so that when I read that research, I thought, 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:07.120 that's just really disturbing. I think I would have thought 0:12:07.160 --> 0:12:10.760 that there's a level of unhappiness or dissatisfaction, but I 0:12:10.760 --> 0:12:13.920 wouldn't have guessed that one out of three people don't 0:12:13.960 --> 0:12:16.800 have enough happiness to check the yes on the happiness box. 0:12:17.440 --> 0:12:19.839 So, Max, how do you think we got there? And 0:12:19.880 --> 0:12:23.720 besides listening to my show, how do we change things? 0:12:24.080 --> 0:12:27.760 So I think the fact that we are so low 0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:30.319 on the happiness level, In fact, this is the lowest 0:12:30.320 --> 0:12:35.760 score that the US has received since this particular survey 0:12:35.840 --> 0:12:39.079 began a decade or so ago, it begs a couple 0:12:39.080 --> 0:12:41.839 of questions, what does this do to us? And how 0:12:41.880 --> 0:12:43.560 can we get out of it? It's like we're in 0:12:43.559 --> 0:12:49.640 a national you know funk, We're in a grumpiness anyway, 0:12:49.800 --> 0:12:52.320 get out of it? Well, I think what it does 0:12:52.360 --> 0:12:56.280 to us is it really takes its toll on our relationships, 0:12:56.320 --> 0:12:59.960 on our health, It takes its toll on our job performance. 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:05.280 People who are happier, have healthier marriages, have healthier bodies, 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:08.640 actually earn more money and get promoted more often. So 0:13:08.679 --> 0:13:11.560 a lot of people are missing out because we can't 0:13:11.600 --> 0:13:16.480 seem to disengage ourselves from this perpetual grayness that follows 0:13:16.559 --> 0:13:20.640 us around. So my idea, it's not my idea. The 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:23.480 idea that I found in the Bible about how to 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:27.880 deal with unhappiness is really rooted in the Teaching of Jesus, 0:13:27.880 --> 0:13:31.040 where he said it's better to give than receive. There's 0:13:31.320 --> 0:13:34.959 a joy that surges when we give, as opposed to 0:13:35.040 --> 0:13:38.600 when we receive. Now this's got me thinking because everything 0:13:38.679 --> 0:13:41.480 I see on television or in the news, just about 0:13:41.520 --> 0:13:46.640 everything in a commercial or advertising format urges me to 0:13:46.679 --> 0:13:49.240 be a good receiver. To be all about what I 0:13:49.240 --> 0:13:52.080 can purchase, what I can drive, what I can wear, 0:13:53.160 --> 0:13:55.240 what I can hang on my wall, what I can 0:13:55.280 --> 0:13:58.120 wear on my finger, and it's all about what I 0:13:58.160 --> 0:14:02.520 can do for me. And I'm wondering if that's the key, 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:07.959 because research shows that those who are other focused really 0:14:08.000 --> 0:14:12.240 are happier people. One study in particular pointed out that 0:14:12.840 --> 0:14:16.400 when people were hooked up to an MRI scanner and 0:14:16.480 --> 0:14:20.040 ask just to imagine, just to envision doing good things 0:14:20.080 --> 0:14:23.200 for others, the pleasure center of the brain lit up 0:14:23.240 --> 0:14:26.600 like Christmas trees. And so just the thought of doing 0:14:26.640 --> 0:14:29.520 good things makes us happier. So in the book, I 0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:33.720 unpacked ways that we can increase our happiness level by 0:14:33.760 --> 0:14:36.600 being kying to others about doing good things to others, 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:41.720 encourage one another, build up one another, greet one another, 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:45.520 forgive one another. All these one another versus really open 0:14:45.600 --> 0:14:49.080 the door to a sense of happiness and well being, 0:14:49.600 --> 0:14:52.239 and it's something we can all do immediately. 0:14:52.680 --> 0:14:56.440 Do you think something has changed in our culture? Any 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:58.960 one thing, anything that you can put your finger on. 0:14:59.760 --> 0:15:04.640 Think A unique challenge of our generation is the social 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:10.560 media phenomena. You know, it's really difficult to get on 0:15:10.600 --> 0:15:15.720 Facebook or Instagram or Twitter and not compare yourself to 0:15:15.800 --> 0:15:20.760 other people. Compare yourself either to the number of followers 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:24.560 or likes that they have, or compare yourself to that 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:28.360 moment in time that is captured by that picture or 0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:32.000 by that video. It just takes just about all the 0:15:32.040 --> 0:15:36.960 wherewithal that we can muster. Yeah, I honestly consider myself 0:15:37.040 --> 0:15:39.920 kind of an emotionally healthy guy. I don't struggle a 0:15:39.960 --> 0:15:43.360 whole lot. I'm very blessed with I think a good 0:15:43.400 --> 0:15:46.920 well being. But when I get online and I see 0:15:47.040 --> 0:15:51.640 that so and so had thirty thousand likes, you know, 0:15:51.800 --> 0:15:55.760 to a particular picture or comment, I think, man, that 0:15:55.920 --> 0:15:59.400 never happens to me. Rather than being happy for that person, 0:15:59.480 --> 0:16:03.880 I tend to feel either inferior or even envious. Now 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:06.280 I'm not happy about that. I don't like that about me. 0:16:06.440 --> 0:16:09.680 That's something that needs to needs to improve. I shouldn't 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:13.280 let that take my joy. But I think this social 0:16:13.440 --> 0:16:17.760 media era has us dealing with the level of comparisons 0:16:18.080 --> 0:16:22.040 that has comparisons on It's like it's on steroids now. 0:16:22.080 --> 0:16:25.280 Comparison has always been an issue, you know. The idea 0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:27.000 is to learn to be happy with what you have, 0:16:27.680 --> 0:16:29.720 but it's a challenge in our day and age. I 0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:33.760 think because of social media not to covet the life 0:16:33.800 --> 0:16:37.400 that someone has or the experience that someone has. So 0:16:38.200 --> 0:16:40.320 we just got to learn to face it. And I 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:43.240 think we face it. I really believe we face it 0:16:43.600 --> 0:16:47.240 by letting our identity be rooted in the fact that 0:16:47.280 --> 0:16:51.000 we are known and loved by God, rather than rooted 0:16:51.240 --> 0:16:54.320 in what we own, or drive, or the job we have. 0:16:55.000 --> 0:16:57.680 Those things come and go. But if we can let 0:16:57.720 --> 0:17:00.960 our identity and our sense of well being be rooted 0:17:01.000 --> 0:17:03.160 in the fact that we're known by God and we're 0:17:03.200 --> 0:17:06.600 loved by God, then we have a chance, we have 0:17:06.640 --> 0:17:11.359 a winner's chance to really deal with this unhappiness that 0:17:11.440 --> 0:17:12.040 faces us. 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:16.359 You know, we value ambition in our own lives, in 0:17:16.400 --> 0:17:19.879 the lives of our peers, our partners. We encourage it 0:17:19.920 --> 0:17:24.119 in our children. How do we balance the concept of 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:28.119 contentment with that of ambition. 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:32.439 That is a great question, and it has to do 0:17:33.080 --> 0:17:37.720 with being able to at once be ambitious, but number two, 0:17:38.560 --> 0:17:42.520 be content with your life. It's it's a balancing you know, 0:17:42.520 --> 0:17:47.800 if your joy depends upon what you cannot control, then 0:17:47.800 --> 0:17:51.480 you're setting yourself up for disappointment. And that's when ambition 0:17:51.640 --> 0:17:54.560 can get us in trouble because there are certain things 0:17:54.560 --> 0:17:58.719 that we simply, you know, cannot control. I'm not truly 0:17:58.880 --> 0:18:02.840 aspire to be the quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, 0:18:03.359 --> 0:18:05.520 but if I ain't got the skills, you know, I 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:07.520 ain't got the skills. There are certain things that we 0:18:08.080 --> 0:18:11.120 can control. Certain things we can I can control how 0:18:11.160 --> 0:18:14.480 hard I work, I can control how diligently I train, 0:18:15.080 --> 0:18:17.880 But there are certain things I cannot control. So there's 0:18:17.920 --> 0:18:22.720 a certain balancing act to being able to be ambitious 0:18:23.000 --> 0:18:27.119 and yet be content and realize, here's what I can control, 0:18:27.359 --> 0:18:30.359 here's what I cannot. And I think that's part of 0:18:30.440 --> 0:18:35.679 the maturity in life, as we strive to achieve certain things, 0:18:35.920 --> 0:18:38.160 to be content when we can't control everything. 0:18:38.520 --> 0:18:40.520 Max hold that thought we're going to be back in 0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:42.800 a moment. First of all, we have to stop for 0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:47.439 this message. Back with Max Locato, who is talking to 0:18:47.480 --> 0:18:50.520 me on the phone today about his new book, How 0:18:50.640 --> 0:18:55.680 Happiness Happens, And what a perfect time in our world's 0:18:55.800 --> 0:18:59.159 history to talk about how to make happiness happen in 0:18:59.200 --> 0:19:02.800 our life. Max, you say there's a secret in serving others. 0:19:03.240 --> 0:19:06.200 Can you tell us what you believe that's secret to be. 0:19:07.640 --> 0:19:10.639 Well, the secret that I've found in serving others is 0:19:11.400 --> 0:19:15.719 if you make it your aim to serve people, you'll 0:19:15.760 --> 0:19:19.840 always have a job. If you make it your aim 0:19:19.920 --> 0:19:25.359 to be served by people, you'll inevitably be frustrated. But 0:19:25.520 --> 0:19:28.120 if I can go into a day saying, Okay, today's 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:31.120 the day I say hello to everyone, Today's the day 0:19:31.240 --> 0:19:33.880 I help bring coffee to the table, or the day 0:19:33.880 --> 0:19:37.119 that I help our kids with the homework, today's the 0:19:37.200 --> 0:19:40.720 day that I clean the dishes, then watch out, world, 0:19:40.960 --> 0:19:44.560 you're going to succeed because there's always room in the 0:19:44.560 --> 0:19:46.800 world for service. I don't care who you are, or 0:19:46.840 --> 0:19:49.480 how high you get, or what kind of position you have. 0:19:50.200 --> 0:19:52.439 And if you can make it your aim to serve people, 0:19:52.800 --> 0:19:55.800 then you can be guaranteed you're going to succeed. And 0:19:55.880 --> 0:19:59.000 I think that's a real secret to contentment. If I'm 0:19:59.040 --> 0:20:01.320 expecting people to serve me all day, I'm not going 0:20:01.359 --> 0:20:03.720 to be very happy. But if I'm making it my 0:20:03.800 --> 0:20:06.600 aim to serve others, then you can bet I'm going 0:20:06.680 --> 0:20:09.400 to find some great satisfaction every day. 0:20:10.119 --> 0:20:13.920 And how are forgiveness and happiness intertwined? What do you mean? 0:20:14.000 --> 0:20:17.160 What are you getting at when you say you give 0:20:17.200 --> 0:20:20.240 the advice we have to conduct a funeral when someone 0:20:20.280 --> 0:20:21.879 is in the process of forgiving. 0:20:22.880 --> 0:20:27.560 When Duke University released a study that had eight characteristics 0:20:27.560 --> 0:20:30.679 of happy people, four of those characteristics had to do 0:20:30.760 --> 0:20:34.960 with forgiving others and not harboring a grudge. Of course, 0:20:35.000 --> 0:20:38.760 we didn't need Duke University to conduct that study because 0:20:38.800 --> 0:20:41.720 all of us have experienced the unhappiness that comes from 0:20:41.760 --> 0:20:45.640 harboring a grudge. None of us are really happy when 0:20:45.680 --> 0:20:49.640 we're living perpetually ticked off at someone, And yet all 0:20:49.640 --> 0:20:52.280 of us have to deal with the reality that we 0:20:52.359 --> 0:20:55.399 get hurt in life. If we get bruised, we get 0:20:55.440 --> 0:20:59.399 beat up, and so what can we do well? In 0:20:59.440 --> 0:21:02.600 the book talk about maybe the most challenging of the 0:21:02.640 --> 0:21:07.119 one another verses is forgive one another. It's not easy, 0:21:07.280 --> 0:21:09.000 and I sure don't want to leave the impression that 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:11.679 it is. And some of us have been hurt very, 0:21:11.800 --> 0:21:15.399 very deeply in life, and so finding the ability to 0:21:15.440 --> 0:21:18.720 forgive somebody and move on is for many people the 0:21:18.720 --> 0:21:22.320 biggest challenge in life. And yet it's really important. When 0:21:22.400 --> 0:21:25.640 I talk about conducting a funeral. I put that at 0:21:25.640 --> 0:21:27.720 the last item on the list of about five or 0:21:27.760 --> 0:21:31.520 six steps a person can take in the direction of forgiveness. 0:21:32.080 --> 0:21:35.080 So there's several practical steps that we can take. But 0:21:35.160 --> 0:21:38.040 once you've gone through all that list, I encourage people 0:21:38.160 --> 0:21:42.520 to just conduct the funeral, you know. I remember a 0:21:42.560 --> 0:21:44.920 man came to me once with a letter that was 0:21:44.960 --> 0:21:47.000 so full of anger. He was about to send to 0:21:47.040 --> 0:21:50.200 his wife's boss, but he finally reached a point where 0:21:50.240 --> 0:21:52.119 he decided not to send it, and he wanted to 0:21:52.160 --> 0:21:55.280 forgive his wife's boss for something that his wife's boss 0:21:55.280 --> 0:21:58.400 had done. And so he came into my office with 0:21:58.720 --> 0:22:01.240 that letter and a cigarette lighter and asked if he 0:22:01.240 --> 0:22:04.080 could use the metal trash can, and he said, here's 0:22:04.119 --> 0:22:06.240 my funeral. I'm going to burn this thing up. And 0:22:06.640 --> 0:22:09.320 that's where I got that idea. He watched that letter 0:22:09.359 --> 0:22:12.159 be consumed, and when the idea was he was going 0:22:12.200 --> 0:22:14.639 to let that letter be consumed rather than his soul 0:22:15.080 --> 0:22:19.280 be consumed with anger. I urge people do something to say, Okay, 0:22:19.400 --> 0:22:22.159 this is a line in the sand. I have given 0:22:22.200 --> 0:22:25.320 this event to God. I'm content that he knows how 0:22:25.320 --> 0:22:27.520 to settle the score. I've done all I can do. 0:22:27.600 --> 0:22:29.639 It's starting to take the joy out of me, so 0:22:29.720 --> 0:22:32.720 I'm moving on with life. You know, maybe having a 0:22:32.760 --> 0:22:35.440 funeral is a little too dramatic for some people, but 0:22:36.040 --> 0:22:39.119 do something, do something that serves as a mal marker. 0:22:39.600 --> 0:22:42.760 In fact, I'll just do a practical example. The other day, 0:22:43.000 --> 0:22:45.800 I was emailing somebody and they had not emailed me back, 0:22:45.880 --> 0:22:48.120 not email me back. It's really bothering me. And I said, 0:22:48.160 --> 0:22:51.159 you know, in this final email, I said, this is 0:22:51.160 --> 0:22:54.359 my last email, and I'm not sure why you're not responding. 0:22:54.680 --> 0:22:57.560 I want you to know I respect you and you're 0:22:57.600 --> 0:23:01.000 my friend, but something I've done has offended you. I apologize, 0:23:01.280 --> 0:23:03.720 but this is my last email. And so that was 0:23:03.760 --> 0:23:06.440 my way of saying, Okay, I've done all i can do, 0:23:06.760 --> 0:23:08.639 and I'm gonna move on with laugh. And if this 0:23:08.680 --> 0:23:12.159 person ever responds to me, then then we can re engage. 0:23:12.200 --> 0:23:14.560 But until then, I've hear what I'm saying. I've kind 0:23:14.560 --> 0:23:17.960 of respectfully moved on and I'm not going to allow 0:23:18.000 --> 0:23:20.639 that person to take any more of my joy. 0:23:21.440 --> 0:23:26.320 I love that consume the grievance instead of letting it 0:23:26.600 --> 0:23:31.840 consume you. I love that. Let's take a break right here, Max, 0:23:31.880 --> 0:23:34.879 so I can tell folks about a movie coming to 0:23:34.960 --> 0:23:39.919 the theaters just one night, Monday, November fourth. The name of 0:23:39.960 --> 0:23:43.160 the movie is Christmas Jars, based on the novel by 0:23:43.160 --> 0:23:47.080 the same name. It's the story of holiday gift giving 0:23:47.600 --> 0:23:52.080 money filled glass jars anonymously given to people in need. 0:23:52.520 --> 0:23:56.119 It started as fiction, but once this story became a 0:23:56.119 --> 0:23:59.920 New York Times bestselling book, a new holiday tradition has 0:24:00.080 --> 0:24:04.000 taken off. The last several years, at Christmas time, people 0:24:04.040 --> 0:24:08.440 have been generously placing Christmas jars at the front doors 0:24:08.480 --> 0:24:11.840 of people in their time of need all over our country. 0:24:12.520 --> 0:24:15.000 See this story come to life in movie theaters on 0:24:15.080 --> 0:24:18.159 Monday night, November fourth. You can buy movie tickets in 0:24:18.200 --> 0:24:22.400