1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:06,000 Speaker 1: This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. 2 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:09,840 Speaker 1: Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema coming to you from the 3 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:15,640 Speaker 1: home office in Austin, Texas, LZ. Today we dive into relationships, 4 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:19,439 Speaker 1: but in particular the war on more? What are we 5 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:20,000 Speaker 1: talking about? 6 00:00:20,079 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 2: I don't know if I would call it the war 7 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:24,440 Speaker 2: on more? I think you've changed my phrase. I keep saying, 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,720 Speaker 2: are we at war with more? Because here's what I'm 9 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:30,560 Speaker 2: thinking about lately? And it kind of all started with 10 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,760 Speaker 2: this tweet that I sent you where it was a 11 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 2: random tweet, but this person was speculating is a big 12 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:41,280 Speaker 2: issue with dating today that people have had access to 13 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,920 Speaker 2: porn so easily for the past couple decades, that we 14 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:48,880 Speaker 2: they're growing up with so much access to seeing people naked. 15 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,159 Speaker 3: And that got me thinking, you know, are. 16 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 2: We better off with having all this more in our 17 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,120 Speaker 2: dating and relationship lives? That includes you know, we have 18 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,120 Speaker 2: so many more prospects with dat now than ever before 19 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,760 Speaker 2: because of dating apps. Dating apps are in the palm 20 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:08,199 Speaker 2: of everybody's hand. We have more access to information about 21 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,560 Speaker 2: relationships than ever before because of podcasts and social media 22 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:15,360 Speaker 2: podcasts like this one. So is more a good thing? 23 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,480 Speaker 2: Or are we at war with more? Is it hurting 24 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:20,959 Speaker 2: or helping? And to help us with that, today we 25 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,360 Speaker 2: are bringing on doctor Viviana Coles. She is the president 26 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,840 Speaker 2: and leads psychotherapist at Houston Relationship Therapy. She has a 27 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:32,560 Speaker 2: bachelor's degree in psychology and master's in doctoral degrees in 28 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,920 Speaker 2: marriage and family therapy, and is also the president of 29 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 2: the National Sex Therapy Institute. She's been working in this 30 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,959 Speaker 2: realm for decades, obviously a couple's counselor, helping individuals with 31 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,720 Speaker 2: emotional and physical intimacy issues. She has her private practice, 32 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,600 Speaker 2: but she's also been featured as a marriage expert on 33 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 2: Lifetimes Married at First Site. So we would now like 34 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:58,920 Speaker 2: to welcome doctor V. Doctor V, thank you so much 35 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,120 Speaker 2: for being with us. 36 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 4: Thanks for having me guys, and happy happy getting through 37 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:06,200 Speaker 4: the first year of marriage, because it's a big one. 38 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,640 Speaker 1: Thank you, it is. We did you know, we actually 39 00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:11,560 Speaker 1: did another episode on just that of how we've grown. 40 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,000 Speaker 1: You know, we've been together for you know, the better 41 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,680 Speaker 1: part of you know, a half decade anyway, and it's 42 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:21,079 Speaker 1: interesting how the marriage has accelerated that growth and has 43 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:24,720 Speaker 1: made us be better communicators and have to fight for more. 44 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:27,120 Speaker 1: So it did. It did change things. It was very interesting. 45 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:28,919 Speaker 2: Yeah, can I hit on what you just said, doctor 46 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:30,400 Speaker 2: h and you said it's a big one. Do you 47 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,519 Speaker 2: find that that first year of marriage is kind of 48 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,720 Speaker 2: the old adage true that it's hard for people? 49 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,519 Speaker 3: What do you find when you're working with couples. 50 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,079 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think the first two years of marriage are 51 00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:41,919 Speaker 4: probably the bumpiest. 52 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:42,600 Speaker 1: Oh interesting. 53 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,760 Speaker 4: I've been married for over seventeen years and I certainly 54 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 4: can attest to that the first two years of marriage 55 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,600 Speaker 4: and the first year after having a child are probably 56 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:56,799 Speaker 4: some of the toughest because there's so much adaptation that 57 00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:01,240 Speaker 4: needs to happen, you know, from everyone involved, and there's 58 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,760 Speaker 4: just a lot of moving parts. I was just talking 59 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:08,680 Speaker 4: to a client about pre cohabitation counseling. People are starting 60 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:12,000 Speaker 4: to really recognize that when you start living with somebody, 61 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 4: it's a different ballgame. Even if you were staying at 62 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,760 Speaker 4: each other's places a lot, it's not the same. There's 63 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:20,040 Speaker 4: just something that happens when you get married that changes 64 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,200 Speaker 4: the game. I've always said that it's because you've now 65 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,640 Speaker 4: joined a club that you're not aware of all the rules, 66 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 4: and everybody wants to tell you, hey, you should do 67 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 4: it this so you should do it this way. But 68 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:33,520 Speaker 4: you know, there are so many different ways, so many 69 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:37,160 Speaker 4: more ways of being married these days. That and being 70 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,600 Speaker 4: in relationships in happy ones and unhappy ones. So yeah, 71 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 4: it's it's tough. 72 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,280 Speaker 1: So congrats and interesting that you said. We'll get to 73 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,480 Speaker 1: our topic for today, but I want to follow up 74 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,440 Speaker 1: one more now. The seven year itch used to be 75 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:52,840 Speaker 1: the thing, right, so do you find the first two 76 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,600 Speaker 1: years are more difficult than kind of reaching that into 77 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:56,640 Speaker 1: the first decade? 78 00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:00,360 Speaker 4: Actually, the seven year itch is now the eleven years is? 79 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:00,600 Speaker 1: Oh? 80 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:01,120 Speaker 4: Got it? 81 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:01,760 Speaker 1: Okay, go ahead. 82 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,760 Speaker 4: We're never in the clear, guys. 83 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: Well, doctor V. We're so glad to have you on today. 84 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,360 Speaker 1: What Laurena and I have been discussing and wanted to 85 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: bring an expert on to talk about is the war 86 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 1: on more uh. And that is more of everything is available, 87 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:23,719 Speaker 1: as far as relationships, intimacy, dating, all of it goes, 88 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:27,240 Speaker 1: even in marriage. There's so much more access to everything. 89 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,520 Speaker 1: And our debate is is that a good thing? Our 90 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,919 Speaker 1: people better off? 91 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:37,119 Speaker 4: It's a wonderful thing, and I'll tell you why. Yes, 92 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:42,120 Speaker 4: it can cause a lot more confusion. There can be 93 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,880 Speaker 4: a lot of testing the waters that don't go well. 94 00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:48,479 Speaker 4: You can have a lot of failures. But I think 95 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 4: it also allows, and this is the positive thing. It 96 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:56,159 Speaker 4: really allows for individuals to make very personal and unique 97 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:59,200 Speaker 4: decisions about how they want to live their lives. I'm 98 00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:01,599 Speaker 4: always telling people, you know, they come into my office, 99 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,520 Speaker 4: they sit down and they are like, I don't know 100 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,560 Speaker 4: if you've ever heard this before. I'm like, you have 101 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,440 Speaker 4: no idea. I've heard everything, but it doesn't matter. Doesn't 102 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,280 Speaker 4: matter if I've hurt to them. It doesn't matter if 103 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:15,280 Speaker 4: I've heard it a thousand times or never to them. 104 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,600 Speaker 4: It's unique. So I find that couples who are finally 105 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:23,440 Speaker 4: personalizing and taking into control what works for them, those 106 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 4: are the happy couples. Those are the happy este couples now. 107 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,080 Speaker 2: And there's a couple of different things that play here. 108 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:33,840 Speaker 2: My speculation, and please set me straight, but I would 109 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,760 Speaker 2: imagine that when it comes to when you're already in 110 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:40,280 Speaker 2: a relationship, the more meaning you know there's I mean 111 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 2: you I open Instagram now and I see I get 112 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 2: a million screenshots of like relationship tips and advice and 113 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,239 Speaker 2: quotes and insight. And I think a lot of that's good. 114 00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:52,479 Speaker 2: You know, we open up a lot of discussions. Things 115 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:56,560 Speaker 2: aren't so taboo, but and that helps your relationship get better. 116 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,479 Speaker 2: So to me, the more is advantageous when you're already 117 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,159 Speaker 2: in a relationship. But I don't hear that many good 118 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,479 Speaker 2: things about the more before you're in a relationship. Like 119 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 2: a big part of the reason that we started this conversation, 120 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,240 Speaker 2: or we wanted to have this conversation with you, was 121 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 2: just this tweet. And I'm getting into a taboo topic 122 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:17,279 Speaker 2: right now, but here's a tweet that came up that 123 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:26,039 Speaker 2: I sent to Christina. This at girl ziplocked tweeted and 124 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 2: this tweet has five point seven million views. One huge 125 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,760 Speaker 2: reason I think dating was easier before the Internet is 126 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,720 Speaker 2: that men didn't spend the first ten years of their 127 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:39,440 Speaker 2: sexual lives addicted to porn. So the first time they 128 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 2: got to see a woman naked, they were grateful about it. 129 00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:44,400 Speaker 2: And I kind of turned to Chris and I said, 130 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,560 Speaker 2: you know, this is interesting. Think about how you grew up. 131 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:48,560 Speaker 2: We grew up in the era where like if there 132 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,480 Speaker 2: was a sex scene in a movie, you were like, Ooh, 133 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:50,800 Speaker 2: I just. 134 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:51,560 Speaker 3: Saw naked body. 135 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:54,240 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, it's huge, Like meaning how exciting for me? 136 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:58,080 Speaker 2: And now that's so much more available. Porn is way 137 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,040 Speaker 2: more accessible. More is more. So what do you think 138 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:04,200 Speaker 2: about it from the pre relationship standpoint? And I guess 139 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,800 Speaker 2: I'm adding in the porn conversation as well. 140 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:10,920 Speaker 4: Yeah, it is one hundred percent one of the biggest 141 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:14,600 Speaker 4: topics that I hear of frustration with couples who are 142 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 4: experiencing sexual intimacy issues. The idea that porn is so 143 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:23,560 Speaker 4: accessible isn't necessarily the issue. It's not the accessibility, it's 144 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:28,559 Speaker 4: the fact that they're turning to it before really trying 145 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,280 Speaker 4: to use their largest sexual organ, which is the brain, 146 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,840 Speaker 4: and most men are just happy to turn off their 147 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:40,200 Speaker 4: brains and just look and have that stimulu. That stimulus 148 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,440 Speaker 4: just come in in the form of that visual pornography. 149 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:49,200 Speaker 4: I'm always telling couples you need to have a mixture. Yes, 150 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:53,800 Speaker 4: some people will find sexual imagery arousing, others can only 151 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:58,120 Speaker 4: find arousal through it. That's a problem. Other times they 152 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:03,360 Speaker 4: don't know the difference between self love and masturbation and pornography. 153 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,560 Speaker 4: They're totally linked, and that's a real problem. I find 154 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,240 Speaker 4: that a lot of people struggle with trying to figure out, 155 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 4: how can we have something that is more partnered of 156 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:16,320 Speaker 4: an experience. When you're linking your own sexuality to pornography, 157 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,840 Speaker 4: that's a big issue. But going back to your original question, 158 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 4: I find that the most problematic is that men have 159 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:28,560 Speaker 4: been looking at pornography since a much younger age. They've 160 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:33,120 Speaker 4: had experiences through masturbation and solo pleasuring very early on, 161 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:36,400 Speaker 4: whereas women haven't been socialized to do that. So by 162 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:39,400 Speaker 4: the time that women start to explore their bodies in college, 163 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 4: they tend to do it as part of a relationship, 164 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:47,120 Speaker 4: so there's already a different dynamic there, whereas men have 165 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:50,200 Speaker 4: been kind of having their free playground since for a 166 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:53,640 Speaker 4: long time now. That does cause problems because for a 167 00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:57,160 Speaker 4: lot of men, they do experience feelings of shame and 168 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,200 Speaker 4: guilt and always trying to hide at you, you know, 169 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,400 Speaker 4: whether it was when they were younger or now in 170 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,959 Speaker 4: a partnership, they try to hide that part of their 171 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:08,680 Speaker 4: relationship instead of incorporating it and having it be something 172 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,520 Speaker 4: that is just easily talked about if you need to, 173 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:16,760 Speaker 4: and not so like hidden. And unfortunately, hidden usually means 174 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,160 Speaker 4: quick and a lot of men are training their bodies 175 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:25,280 Speaker 4: because of their masturbatory habits, to respond quickly and then 176 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,480 Speaker 4: when there's another person involved, and the smells and the 177 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:32,400 Speaker 4: feelings and the sites are right there in person, in vivo, 178 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,760 Speaker 4: they really struggle to keep up with their performance. 179 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,640 Speaker 1: I'm curious though, it's kind of to go on the 180 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: larger picture of what Lauren was talking about. Say, you know, 181 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:58,560 Speaker 1: upon puberty thirteen, fourteen, fifteen years old, these men boys 182 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 1: actually they're not men yet, start watching porn, and not 183 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:04,160 Speaker 1: just the physical side of it. But this is their 184 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,640 Speaker 1: idea of intimacy. This is their idea of how to 185 00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:11,160 Speaker 1: treat a lady. This is an idea of love. And 186 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:15,400 Speaker 1: how have you seen that evolve? And those pitfalls that 187 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:19,199 Speaker 1: you've probably had to cover in therapy sessions with This 188 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:22,160 Speaker 1: is not real life. This is not normal. What you've 189 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 1: been training for for seven, eight, nine, ten years is 190 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,079 Speaker 1: not even a fantasy. It's just a fallacy. 191 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:34,760 Speaker 4: Yeah. Unfortunately, their partners aren't usually the ones who know 192 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:39,319 Speaker 4: how to have those conversations, so they typically don't get 193 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:44,080 Speaker 4: that root awakening or that re education until something really 194 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,160 Speaker 4: bad happens and they're on the verge of a divorce 195 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,600 Speaker 4: or on the verge of fidelity and they come into 196 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:52,280 Speaker 4: my office. So many women don't really understand how to 197 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 4: explain what works for their own bodies, what doesn't work 198 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 4: for their bodies, how they're feeling objectified, or how they're 199 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,440 Speaker 4: feeling neglected, how they're feeling like they're not really in 200 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,920 Speaker 4: the moment. A lot of women especially just don't have 201 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,760 Speaker 4: the words for that unless it's I mean, some women 202 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,840 Speaker 4: are very direct, and unfortunately that can just you know, 203 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:16,160 Speaker 4: things are just not going to work, and men are 204 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,839 Speaker 4: going to have that performance anxiety. But I do think 205 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:22,719 Speaker 4: a lot of people very much struggle with having that 206 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:26,640 Speaker 4: reality check of Hey, what you've seen in porn, that's 207 00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:29,960 Speaker 4: not reality, that's not real life. Our bodies don't respond. 208 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,160 Speaker 2: And I'm thinking of something interesting you said a few 209 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:36,120 Speaker 2: minutes ago, which was that, like some do you find 210 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:39,959 Speaker 2: that some people can't get aroused by an in person, 211 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,360 Speaker 2: actual sexual interaction versus watching porn. 212 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,360 Speaker 4: You know, I'm glad that you said some people, because 213 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,240 Speaker 4: what I've noticed in my office is that it's a 214 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:53,520 Speaker 4: lot of women. Women are really struggling to get turned 215 00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:57,239 Speaker 4: on by in person because they're so in their heads. 216 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,000 Speaker 4: It's not that they're trying to think about somebody else. 217 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,640 Speaker 4: It's that if they allow them themselves to just think 218 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:09,080 Speaker 4: that can turn into the laundry list, all the obligations, 219 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,720 Speaker 4: the mental load will just flood in. So sometimes women 220 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:16,120 Speaker 4: will prefer to look at visual pornography just to get 221 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,040 Speaker 4: them to get their imagination out of it. So it 222 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:20,360 Speaker 4: doesn't let allow those. 223 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:25,680 Speaker 1: In interesting because would I think you primarily think, oh, porn, dudes, guys, 224 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:29,080 Speaker 1: But you're saying this is a female issue in large 225 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:29,880 Speaker 1: part as well. 226 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,520 Speaker 4: It is, and I think a lot of it is 227 00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:37,560 Speaker 4: because you know, when they do finally start to become 228 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:42,920 Speaker 4: sexually socialized, women also turn to porn. Sometimes now they 229 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:47,080 Speaker 4: quickly turn away from it, but they do turn to 230 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:51,920 Speaker 4: that also kind of unfortunately, like a guide. You know, okay, 231 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,960 Speaker 4: this is what men are looking at. I need to 232 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,760 Speaker 4: know what this is all about. There's a bit of 233 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,840 Speaker 4: a performative piece, right, It's almost like prepping for an 234 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:02,319 Speaker 4: interview that they do that, and it can cause a 235 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:03,559 Speaker 4: lot of problems as well. 236 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,480 Speaker 3: So getting back to the are we at war with more? 237 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:11,080 Speaker 2: I mean, online porn in the grand scheme is a 238 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 2: pretty new thing, I would say. If you think the 239 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,679 Speaker 2: internet kind of started rising up in the mid nineties 240 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,040 Speaker 2: and the rise of porn was a huge reason that 241 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:22,360 Speaker 2: the Internet boomed, but we're only talking about like twenty 242 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 2: five years. 243 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,400 Speaker 3: Probably at the end of the day. 244 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:29,520 Speaker 2: Do you think that online porn has helped or hurt 245 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,199 Speaker 2: dating in relationships or somewhere in between. 246 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,160 Speaker 4: I have to say overall, I think it's hurt dating 247 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,040 Speaker 4: and relationships. I think a lot of people, you know, 248 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:43,360 Speaker 4: I'm seeing the ugly side of it, the addiction, the 249 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:47,880 Speaker 4: thousands of dollars spent, you know, because oftentimes it's not 250 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:51,680 Speaker 4: enough to just look at the videos. They want to interact, 251 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 4: they want to reach out. I mean, there's like only 252 00:13:54,679 --> 00:13:58,200 Speaker 4: fans and all these things that it can get very, 253 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:03,280 Speaker 4: very just exhausting, and they can become overwhelmed by it. 254 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,319 Speaker 4: And I think a lot of it is because it's 255 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,319 Speaker 4: happening in secret and their shame, and a lot of 256 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:10,360 Speaker 4: men aren't talking to their buddies about those sorts of things. 257 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:12,800 Speaker 4: You know. It's one thing to say, oh, yeah, you know, 258 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,720 Speaker 4: I was looking at this site. But what they're looking 259 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:20,320 Speaker 4: at and how long they're looking at it, and what 260 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,440 Speaker 4: they're doing when they're looking at it, those aren't things 261 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 4: that a lot of men really talk about. 262 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:27,480 Speaker 2: I want to shift to dating because that's another part 263 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:31,440 Speaker 2: of the more dating apps again really a fairly new 264 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,520 Speaker 2: thing in the scheme of things, only around about the 265 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,000 Speaker 2: past twenty five years, and we went from online dating 266 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:39,080 Speaker 2: with eHarmony andmatch dot com to now dating apps in 267 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:43,160 Speaker 2: the palm of our hands and swiping. So there's this 268 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:48,760 Speaker 2: ability to potentially access more possible partners than ever before, 269 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 2: which kind of at the outset sounds like a good thing. Wow, 270 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,360 Speaker 2: you can now see all these people and maybe really 271 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,800 Speaker 2: find the perfect person for you. But if I'm just 272 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,480 Speaker 2: looking at my own litmus test of my friends and 273 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,200 Speaker 2: what I hear from people, it doesn't sound like anybody 274 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:07,560 Speaker 2: loves online dating. What I can't tell is has dating 275 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,040 Speaker 2: always been a struggle or is having more options more 276 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:15,720 Speaker 2: potential people? Is that hurting the dating world and actually 277 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,479 Speaker 2: not helping people lead towards relationships. 278 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:23,880 Speaker 4: For so many people, we really messed up daters by 279 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:28,360 Speaker 4: telling them that settling was bad at some point. 280 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 3: Interesting, Okay, you have. 281 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:36,280 Speaker 4: To be okay with settling, and settling down isn't always 282 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,280 Speaker 4: a bad thing. And I think these days, with the 283 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:43,040 Speaker 4: fear of missing out with every what about the next person? 284 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,040 Speaker 4: The next person? Is the next person going to have 285 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:46,840 Speaker 4: bigger this? The next person going to have more this, 286 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,280 Speaker 4: The next person going to be better at this. The 287 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:53,840 Speaker 4: answer is yes, there will always be someone better at 288 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:57,800 Speaker 4: something for you. But what I'm always trying to teach 289 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 4: my singles that I work with is I'd rather you 290 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:04,160 Speaker 4: get into something that then you can start building on. 291 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:08,560 Speaker 4: Then have to always be looking for like the plot 292 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,200 Speaker 4: of land and oh this next plot and this next. 293 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,240 Speaker 1: The grass is always greener. 294 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, I've I had a friend of mine used to say, 295 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,440 Speaker 2: you trade one set of problems for another, And I 296 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,840 Speaker 2: think what you just hit on is like, yeah, okay, this, 297 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:25,360 Speaker 2: maybe that next person wouldn't be as late or as 298 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,960 Speaker 2: messy if that was your issue, But what problems are 299 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,320 Speaker 2: they bringing And you don't even know, you can't predict, 300 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,880 Speaker 2: like no one is perfect. And I love what you 301 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,360 Speaker 2: just said because we always say the phrase settling down, 302 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,200 Speaker 2: which is a good thing, right, But. 303 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:38,160 Speaker 3: Then we say settling. 304 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,160 Speaker 2: We think of settling as this negative thing, and we 305 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,840 Speaker 2: maybe need a rebrand on the words settling. 306 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 1: It has a real negative connotation to it that you're 307 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,680 Speaker 1: you know, you are forsaking something better or something good, 308 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,000 Speaker 1: and you're cheating yourself. And but it's gotten to the 309 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:53,960 Speaker 1: point where I've heard stories of people sitting at dinner 310 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: on a date swiping looking for the next option, and 311 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,840 Speaker 1: so there is this addiction to that as well. It's 312 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,560 Speaker 1: almost like back to Poorn, same thing, where it's this 313 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:07,040 Speaker 1: addiction of more more and just swiping through a menu. 314 00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,480 Speaker 4: And on on like a smaller scale. Some of the 315 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:14,679 Speaker 4: recommendations that I give singles are to if you're dating 316 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:18,080 Speaker 4: someone and you'll take it offline and you're actually starting 317 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,879 Speaker 4: to talk, ask them to give you one month of 318 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:25,679 Speaker 4: their attention. Don't divide it with anyone else, same for 319 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,880 Speaker 4: both of you, but say, can we give this one 320 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,880 Speaker 4: month of our undivided attention because there is so much 321 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 4: that you can get in that one month and then 322 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,639 Speaker 4: move on or it can grow from there. But you know, 323 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:41,160 Speaker 4: on average, men especially are dating seven different women at 324 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:45,240 Speaker 4: the same time. So I mean, and they're not necessarily 325 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:47,639 Speaker 4: doing anything wrong. It's not that they're cheating or anything. 326 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,800 Speaker 4: They're just dating, like that's that's what's possible. 327 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I find that the and I hate 328 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,880 Speaker 1: to I'm not blaming everything on men. I don't want 329 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,680 Speaker 1: to be a man hater, but I do find that 330 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:03,040 Speaker 1: the dating apps are created for and fit perfectly into 331 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:08,560 Speaker 1: that male mindset of you know, just quick move on it, 332 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,480 Speaker 1: don't get too personal. It just kind of as you said, 333 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:14,080 Speaker 1: it doesn't hit the biggest organ which is our brain. 334 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:19,359 Speaker 4: Yeah. I'm always trying to get couples, especially who have 335 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:26,000 Speaker 4: established some exclusivity, to put a bubble around yourself. Put 336 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,119 Speaker 4: a bubble, and I think women are a little bit 337 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,600 Speaker 4: better at that. I think women enjoy monogamy, and I 338 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,280 Speaker 4: will say studies show that the best sex of your 339 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,800 Speaker 4: life is going to happen in a long term monogamous relationship. 340 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:42,320 Speaker 4: So I'm a big fan good I think are really 341 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:48,000 Speaker 4: focusing on like audio, erotica, literature, and also you know, 342 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,400 Speaker 4: just being able to you know. I have something called 343 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,679 Speaker 4: create your Own Fantasy dot com where individuals and couples 344 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,639 Speaker 4: can go on and they create their own fantasy. They 345 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,520 Speaker 4: don't even know what's possible. All they do is think, 346 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,959 Speaker 4: well on porn, porn or even books. I love a 347 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:07,080 Speaker 4: good sexy novel. Men tend to love sexy novels once 348 00:19:07,119 --> 00:19:09,760 Speaker 4: we introduce them to their relationship because they find out 349 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 4: what foreplay actually is and what anticipation looks like and 350 00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:17,359 Speaker 4: like that build up. Women tend to love it because 351 00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:20,359 Speaker 4: they don't have to think about ooh that piercing, or 352 00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:22,840 Speaker 4: oh they're sweaty, or oh that couch is going to 353 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:23,520 Speaker 4: be so dirty. 354 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,160 Speaker 1: I want to follow up too, because I just said 355 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,760 Speaker 1: that about men. But something that I noticed in the 356 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:34,480 Speaker 1: twenty years of hosting The Bachelor and Bacherette is I 357 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:39,919 Speaker 1: noticed more and more females were trying to take on 358 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:43,880 Speaker 1: the role of men. And what I mean by that, 359 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:47,080 Speaker 1: and we all we all have different proclivities in different styles, 360 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,800 Speaker 1: but what I found often was I saw more and 361 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,520 Speaker 1: more of the women talking like men, trying to date 362 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:56,560 Speaker 1: like men, trying to have sex like men, and that 363 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,440 Speaker 1: there was no ying and yang. There was only ying 364 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,400 Speaker 1: at some point, And I'm like, this, have you noticed 365 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 1: that trend? And is it because of the more? 366 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,800 Speaker 4: I think it's because they're trying to take back some power. 367 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:16,719 Speaker 4: Unfortunately when they see what they've experienced through dating is 368 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,560 Speaker 4: that the men tend to have the power. And I'm 369 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,159 Speaker 4: sure a lot of men out there would be like, 370 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,440 Speaker 4: no way, the women have the power. But because men 371 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,520 Speaker 4: and I see it all the time and I hear 372 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,720 Speaker 4: about it all the time, are much more likely to 373 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:32,880 Speaker 4: move on like very quickly, even if they've never had 374 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,399 Speaker 4: a conversation with someone. I think that women are trying 375 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:38,399 Speaker 4: to say, you know what, maybe I need to do 376 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,760 Speaker 4: it that way so that I protect myself and my 377 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,800 Speaker 4: emotions and my psyche and I don't get too jaded 378 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:45,879 Speaker 4: about the process. So I think that they're trying to 379 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,639 Speaker 4: take a page from that book because they feel like 380 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,879 Speaker 4: if I don't, I'm just gonna get hurt. 381 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:55,119 Speaker 1: But my take was, if you're not built for that, 382 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,960 Speaker 1: if you don't have that DNA, there is an emotional 383 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,159 Speaker 1: tax that you will pay. You can say you're okay 384 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,360 Speaker 1: with this and I'm going to screw just like they 385 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:07,480 Speaker 1: screw and whatever and talk like they talk. Well, if 386 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,920 Speaker 1: you're a guy that acts like that, you don't have 387 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,680 Speaker 1: a switch that makes you feel guilty, there's no emotional 388 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 1: tax later. I feel like women do that Bill will 389 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,160 Speaker 1: come do eventually. 390 00:21:18,359 --> 00:21:20,760 Speaker 4: I think the outcome is not what they want. The 391 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,840 Speaker 4: outcome if you're out there and you're being if you're 392 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:30,000 Speaker 4: not representing yourself well and accurately, you're going to get 393 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:34,359 Speaker 4: into a relationship that is you tricking them or presenting 394 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,080 Speaker 4: as one way and it's not, and they're going to 395 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:39,600 Speaker 4: feel tricked. They're going to feel like, wait, who are you? 396 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,359 Speaker 4: And it's almost like a bait and switch situation. I 397 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,399 Speaker 4: think we should all be as authentic as possible so 398 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,560 Speaker 4: that somebody can try to get to know us and 399 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,040 Speaker 4: see if that works, and if you need help, you 400 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,960 Speaker 4: get the help. That's the other part. There's a lot 401 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:54,040 Speaker 4: more help out there. 402 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:55,040 Speaker 3: I agree. 403 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:57,080 Speaker 2: I think the authenticity is so important because I do 404 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:58,840 Speaker 2: know women who and you know, maybe it was. 405 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,240 Speaker 3: For more set periods of time. 406 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,840 Speaker 2: We're like, I'm not dating anybody right now, I'm just 407 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:07,560 Speaker 2: having fun whatever, and like if that's really how you feel, well, 408 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,679 Speaker 2: then that can work out. But it has to really 409 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:13,120 Speaker 2: be how you feel, not just something you're telling yourself 410 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,919 Speaker 2: because you're hurt or you're going through something. 411 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,040 Speaker 3: Or nothing else as work, so you're trying it this way. 412 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:23,560 Speaker 2: Now, getting back to the kind of this tweet, which 413 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,359 Speaker 2: says half of the tweet is that you know, men 414 00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:30,600 Speaker 2: didn't used to get like more. The tweet is they 415 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,720 Speaker 2: used to be excited to finally see a woman naked. 416 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,560 Speaker 2: Do you think this more is more like having me 417 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,480 Speaker 2: all these people available on a dating app or having 418 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,879 Speaker 2: so much porn that you can access so quickly. Is 419 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:44,320 Speaker 2: it hurting us as humans in terms of the way 420 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:46,679 Speaker 2: we are that like, we don't have to work for 421 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,160 Speaker 2: something that we don't have to work to get someone 422 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:50,800 Speaker 2: to go out on a date with us or put 423 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,960 Speaker 2: in more effort to see someone naked. 424 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,240 Speaker 3: Does this make sense what I'm asking? 425 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,080 Speaker 4: Yeah, no, And you get you don't maybe get as 426 00:22:57,119 --> 00:23:00,120 Speaker 4: excited to have those experiences. But I think it's a 427 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,160 Speaker 4: ledged sword because we also don't want to be objectified, 428 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,360 Speaker 4: and we also don't want to feel like we're sexual objects. 429 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,199 Speaker 4: I don't know of anybody that really enjoys that that 430 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,399 Speaker 4: isn't getting paid for it. So I feel like in 431 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:15,200 Speaker 4: a long term relationship, I think there's so much more 432 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,800 Speaker 4: to sex. Yes, I'm a certified sex therapist. This is 433 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,800 Speaker 4: what I do is I help couples to connect. But 434 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:23,600 Speaker 4: the emotional connection is at the core of all of it. 435 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,600 Speaker 4: And if you're only thinking about sex, and if you're 436 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:29,439 Speaker 4: only worried about sex in your sex life, then you 437 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,720 Speaker 4: miss out on all of the other amazing benefits of 438 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,439 Speaker 4: being in a long term relationship. So I think it 439 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:38,200 Speaker 4: is a double edged sword. I don't know that it's 440 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:41,639 Speaker 4: as concerning that people are not as like you know 441 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,440 Speaker 4: that are they're not just not as excited about seeing 442 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:46,080 Speaker 4: a pair of boobs, you know, like, that's okay. 443 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:50,400 Speaker 2: I loved what you said about the one month give. 444 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,960 Speaker 2: Let's give this one month to see if we can 445 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:53,960 Speaker 2: make something more too. 446 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:54,959 Speaker 1: That's fantastic. 447 00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:58,840 Speaker 2: Any other tips that you have, and of course everybody 448 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:00,560 Speaker 2: should go follow you and check out your work. And 449 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,840 Speaker 2: I know you've written as well to get more but 450 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,199 Speaker 2: off the top of your head on this more is 451 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:08,399 Speaker 2: more problem Ways to combat what people are facing in 452 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:09,640 Speaker 2: the dating and sex world. 453 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:15,520 Speaker 4: Today, if you can manage it. I think it's important 454 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 4: to have some abstinence from the dating apps every once 455 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,920 Speaker 4: in a while. You need to date in the wild. 456 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:24,760 Speaker 4: You need to get out there, tell your friends, Hey, 457 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,320 Speaker 4: I'm open, but don't worry if it doesn't work out, 458 00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:29,879 Speaker 4: I'm not going to like lose you as a friend. 459 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,639 Speaker 4: I think a lot of people have just gotten away 460 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,359 Speaker 4: from dating in the wild, so to say. And I 461 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,439 Speaker 4: feel like most people who meet that way tend to 462 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,639 Speaker 4: have the ability to then do all of the work, 463 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:45,439 Speaker 4: like giving us one month, you know, getting off of 464 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:48,160 Speaker 4: the apps while we're in that one month, and being 465 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,919 Speaker 4: very open and communicative. So yeah, get out in the wild, 466 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:53,520 Speaker 4: get off of the dating apps. Every once in a 467 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:55,919 Speaker 4: while it's you know, it's like, look at it in 468 00:24:56,000 --> 00:25:00,040 Speaker 4: cycles and ask for help. You know, some people I 469 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:01,800 Speaker 4: would love to set you up, but they don't want 470 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:05,920 Speaker 4: to push that on you or make you feel uncomfortable. 471 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,360 Speaker 4: And then I think you should really try to educate 472 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,600 Speaker 4: yourself on what it takes to be in a healthy 473 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:16,160 Speaker 4: relationship instead of just worrying about the dating part of it. 474 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,760 Speaker 4: If you have some of those skills, you'll feel more 475 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:22,560 Speaker 4: confident and you'll know how to handle tough conversations early 476 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:26,840 Speaker 4: on in the process. 477 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,880 Speaker 1: You also mentioned something else I wanted to bring back 478 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,960 Speaker 1: up that was very poignant. As you said, everyone who 479 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,879 Speaker 1: comes to see you, and I'm sure this happens with 480 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:46,640 Speaker 1: a lot of therapists, you feel like you're the only 481 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,639 Speaker 1: person who experiences this. You feel like you're this spreak 482 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:55,080 Speaker 1: of nature. You're an anomaly, and I think your assurances 483 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:59,600 Speaker 1: that you're not different in that way we're all dealing 484 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,240 Speaker 1: with off. Is there a as far as intimacy goes 485 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,679 Speaker 1: in a relationship? Is there a theme you often see? 486 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:10,800 Speaker 1: It probably comes in different details, but is there an 487 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,919 Speaker 1: overall arcing theme you often see? 488 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,320 Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm actually writing my second book, and it's on 489 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:17,040 Speaker 4: this topic. 490 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:18,960 Speaker 1: When does the book drop and what's the name? 491 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:22,760 Speaker 4: A Yeah, it's called Pillow Talk and it will be 492 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,480 Speaker 4: coming out hopefully February fourteenth. 493 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:29,040 Speaker 1: Oh good dick, Yeah, yeah, congratulations. 494 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,679 Speaker 4: Thank you. And it's all about the idea that so 495 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:35,520 Speaker 4: many people and so many couples that love each other 496 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:40,119 Speaker 4: very much don't use the time outside of sexual experiences 497 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:43,640 Speaker 4: to work on their sexual connection. So the idea that 498 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:47,200 Speaker 4: maybe this is something that you can resonate with that 499 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,520 Speaker 4: you are letting your partner know that you're interested in 500 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:54,840 Speaker 4: them sexually, that you're keeping that underlying current of sensuality 501 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:59,959 Speaker 4: alive and well outside of the bedroom experiences. You know. 502 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:03,000 Speaker 4: So some couples it's like turning on a light switch. 503 00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,800 Speaker 4: You're having sex, you're not having sex. You're interested, you're not, 504 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:10,919 Speaker 4: And it just does not work well in our lifestyle 505 00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:13,960 Speaker 4: to do that. And I think especially for women, it's 506 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:15,760 Speaker 4: like a lot of it. I tell people, it's like 507 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,159 Speaker 4: having to call the city every time you want to 508 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:21,399 Speaker 4: boil water to have them come up, turn on the gas, 509 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:23,400 Speaker 4: go to the side of the house and you'd light 510 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:27,320 Speaker 4: the pilot light. We would be microwaving right, So keep 511 00:27:27,359 --> 00:27:29,720 Speaker 4: that pilot light lit. And a lot of people don't 512 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,680 Speaker 4: know how to do that, they're uncomfortable with it. There's 513 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,600 Speaker 4: a free quiz that you can find out more about that. 514 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,719 Speaker 4: It's pillowtokquiz dot com. 515 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,720 Speaker 3: I love that well, Doctor V will end with this. 516 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,400 Speaker 2: We talked a lot about dating and all the more 517 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,720 Speaker 2: out there, but what about when you're in a relationship. 518 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,879 Speaker 2: Do you think there are advantages or disadvantages to living 519 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:49,960 Speaker 2: in this world with smartphones in the palm of our hands. 520 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:51,960 Speaker 3: And that makes me think of again the. 521 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,960 Speaker 2: Ease of accessing relationship resources if needed. But like also, 522 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:57,960 Speaker 2: I don't know, I've heard some horror stories about people 523 00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:01,800 Speaker 2: in relationships because dating apps are right there, and is 524 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:05,080 Speaker 2: cheating more common? How is more affecting relationships? 525 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:10,399 Speaker 4: If you value your life and the way that you've 526 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,840 Speaker 4: built it and your partnership in any way, shape or form, 527 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:19,879 Speaker 4: curiosity will kill you. Curiosity did kill the cat. Everything 528 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,520 Speaker 4: comes to light. This is a warning for all of you. 529 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:27,520 Speaker 4: Everything comes to light. People find out so many things 530 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:32,200 Speaker 4: they didn't even look for them. So if you're curious, 531 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:35,040 Speaker 4: and if you're kind of like, oh, I wonder what's 532 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,280 Speaker 4: out there, maybe look over your friend's shoulder, who is 533 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:41,080 Speaker 4: single and who is on a dating app, right, and 534 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,600 Speaker 4: just like, oh, what's out there? Whatever, that's funny and 535 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:45,640 Speaker 4: look at it, maybe in a form of entertainment if 536 00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:49,280 Speaker 4: you're that curious. But if you're very concerned that you're 537 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:52,680 Speaker 4: about to start to think about an affair or maybe 538 00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:55,880 Speaker 4: have even started, when reach out someone like myself, a 539 00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:58,760 Speaker 4: licensed Marriage and Family therapist, certified sex therapist. We can 540 00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:01,480 Speaker 4: help you to work through that and get those blinders 541 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,760 Speaker 4: back on, because chances are you are not ready for 542 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,520 Speaker 4: what's coming when that bomb goes off in your relationship. 543 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,520 Speaker 1: Awesome, doctor v. Thank you for the information and the insight. 544 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,840 Speaker 1: Fascinating on so many levels, and this war on more. 545 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:20,360 Speaker 1: There's always a positive to things, whether it's social media 546 00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:22,400 Speaker 1: and all this stuff, but there's always the downside and 547 00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:23,840 Speaker 1: we just have to be careful how we take all 548 00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:26,600 Speaker 1: this stuff in So appreciate the expert advice. 549 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:30,280 Speaker 4: Thank you, thanks for the conversation. Super interesting stuff and 550 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:33,000 Speaker 4: I'm always going to be sending y'all good happy vibe. 551 00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,080 Speaker 3: Thanks doctor v Our. 552 00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:39,480 Speaker 1: Thanks to doctor v we both follow her and you 553 00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:43,840 Speaker 1: can follow her on Instagram. Very good takes interesting content 554 00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:48,400 Speaker 1: at doctor Viviana. She's got the book dropping on of course, 555 00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:51,840 Speaker 1: February fourteenth, pillow Talk coming out Valentine's Day. Wish are 556 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:54,040 Speaker 1: the best with that, and thank her so much. 557 00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:55,560 Speaker 3: You were right. 558 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:59,240 Speaker 1: I think we are overall at war with more, babe, 559 00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:02,520 Speaker 1: and it's something to be cognitive of as you're heading 560 00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:06,080 Speaker 1: into a relationship. I loved her advice on for a month. 561 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:07,840 Speaker 1: Let's get off socially, you know, let's get off the 562 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:11,680 Speaker 1: dating apps. Let's commit to this. It's not a lifelong commitment, 563 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,080 Speaker 1: but just little subtle things like that of how to 564 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:14,880 Speaker 1: deal with these issuas. 565 00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:17,280 Speaker 2: What a great litmus test on someone right from the start. 566 00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:19,040 Speaker 2: If somebody's not willing to give you a month of 567 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,680 Speaker 2: their focus time, then that's not going to lead to 568 00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:22,640 Speaker 2: a relationship anyway. 569 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,200 Speaker 3: So thanks again to doctor v and we will talk 570 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:25,360 Speaker 3: to you. 571 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:27,280 Speaker 1: All next time because we have a lot more to 572 00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:30,400 Speaker 1: talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow us on Instagram at 573 00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,000 Speaker 1: the most dramatic pod ever and make sure to write 574 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:35,720 Speaker 1: us a review and leave us five stars. I'll talk 575 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:36,400 Speaker 1: to you next time.