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Speaker 1: Now I'm ready to make some magic.

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Speaker 2: Okay, well, let's make some magic. Then hold on, how

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Speaker 2: you doing.

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Speaker 1: What's going on with Daniel? We can't all fucking ever

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Speaker 1: meet together on this.

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Speaker 3: Sorry, he's got responsibilities in New York. Do you want

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Speaker 3: to take care.

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Speaker 1: Of Well, let me tell you something. Back in the day, Joelle,

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Speaker 1: we used to have perfect attendance on this podcast.

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Speaker 3: It's your fault. They gave us more responsibility. Like all

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Speaker 3: you guys are still good with those guys, here's additional responsibilities.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 1: That's what happens on TV shows. By the way, Bill

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Speaker 1: was telling me, He says, the reason TV shows are

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Speaker 1: so good at the beginning is you get an amazing

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Speaker 1: group of writers, and then the show gets popular, and

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Speaker 1: then every single writer gets poached off to go make

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Speaker 1: their own thing, which is good for them, give everybody

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Speaker 1: their flowers. But then the show takes a downturn because

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Speaker 1: you lost the original amazing posse that made the show great.

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Speaker 1: You're wondering why your favorite show changed, It's because it

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Speaker 1: got too popular and all the writers got poached.

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Speaker 2: I'm just going through that right now, big time. The

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Speaker 2: Marvel Cinematic Universe. Everybody is leaving that bad boy, Yo.

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Speaker 1: What do you mean what do you lose any actors.

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Speaker 2: Or the resident the executives, the creatives. All of them

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Speaker 2: are either leaving and or you know, being pushed aside.

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Speaker 2: I'm very interested to see what happens with that. Like

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Speaker 2: trying to recreate what they did in the first ten

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Speaker 2: years and do it again and then and the ten

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Speaker 2: years that follow is going to be very difficult.

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Speaker 1: They're just going to look. I think they're going to

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Speaker 1: bring everybody back. All those people are going to make

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Speaker 1: offers they can't refuse, and then little by little you'll

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Speaker 1: have the whole og squad. I'm talking about actors.

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Speaker 3: No, I feel that.

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Speaker 2: No, I think I feel like they're going to bring

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Speaker 2: all the actors back too, and they will make offers

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Speaker 2: that they can't refuse. I mean Chris, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure Scarlett. They're going to do something with Scarlet.

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Speaker 2: There's no figure it out. They'll figure it out.

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Speaker 3: Got that dressed, Park, We kin.

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Speaker 2: We got a lot to talk about before.

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Speaker 1: I don't know where to begin. I mean, I don't

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Speaker 1: even know where to begin.

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Speaker 2: First of all, all right, I'll tell you where we

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Speaker 2: can Where.

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Speaker 1: Could we possibly we haven't done this? And how long, Joelle,

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Speaker 1: we haven't gathered.

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Speaker 3: A month, I think a full month.

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Speaker 1: City the city almost burned to the ground. So we

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Speaker 1: audience were taping this on the twenty eighth of January,

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Speaker 1: and we had to take a pause obviously because of

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Speaker 1: the fires, which we're devastating here and very scary. And

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Speaker 1: this is the.

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Speaker 2: First time, Joanni on that day, Bro, and we have

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Speaker 2: scheduled the day and fire started. Yeah, we were talking

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Speaker 2: about it on the show. How I could see the

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Speaker 2: smoke over the hill. Let me tell you something, that

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Speaker 2: shit got point eight miles away from me. Not only that,

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Speaker 2: the night after we spoke to Johnny, eight five something

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Speaker 2: like eight fires erupted all over California. It was ridiculous.

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Speaker 2: You had to evacuate your house too.

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Speaker 1: Bro, Yes, In fact, what was crazy, he was. I

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Speaker 1: was housing the Lawrence family Bill. Bill's family was very

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Speaker 1: close to the Palisades fire, and so I said, come

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Speaker 1: to my place please, cause I wanted to rescue them,

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Speaker 1: and I had the bedroom. So they came to mind.

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Speaker 1: And then we were sitting down to dinner and we

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Speaker 1: obviously glued to the TV like everyone, and we look

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Speaker 1: up and Runyon Canyon is on fire. Now, Runying Canyon

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Speaker 1: is very close to me, and we were like, we

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Speaker 1: got to get the fuck out of here. We were

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Speaker 1: running out of places to go, so I offered, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you did, you did, and we ended up going to

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Speaker 1: Andrew Watts Studio because it was deep in the valley,

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Speaker 1: and we kind of went there and regrouped to just

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Speaker 1: be like where do we go now? Because all the

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Speaker 1: hotel rooms were taken. It was really scary both But

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Speaker 1: you know, for those of you who don't know La,

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Speaker 1: the worst fire is the Altadena fire, and the past

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Speaker 1: and the Palisades fire the pretty far from each other.

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Speaker 1: So two different areas that are really far apart from

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Speaker 1: each other were burning to the ground.

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Speaker 2: Wiped out.

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Speaker 1: We thought we were safe in where I lived, but

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Speaker 1: then the third big one started and thank god, the

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Speaker 1: firefighters were able to put that run fire out real quick,

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Speaker 1: and I was only we were only evacuated for a night.

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Speaker 2: Here it got real dicey where I was, like, this

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Speaker 2: fire was so close that at nighttime it seemed like

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Speaker 2: I was surrounded by like an orange glow, and that

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Speaker 2: got really scary. And then every neighborhood in my vicinity

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Speaker 2: got evacuated except for my little you know, when you

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Speaker 2: go to watch duty. Every section around my little section

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Speaker 2: got evacuated, and it just seemed like, oh, we're going

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Speaker 2: to get evacuated. Next, we packed the car up, we

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Speaker 2: packed all of our pets.

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Speaker 1: How are you going to go?

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Speaker 2: We were trying to figure it out. It seemed like

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Speaker 2: everywhere you could go, there was a fire blazing, you

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Speaker 2: know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: Or well, I told you, worst case scenario, just come

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Speaker 1: to my house and we'll put you on couches.

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Speaker 2: They had just put that fire out in your neighbor

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Speaker 2: I mean, in your area, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 2: And so that was it was, you know, it was dicey.

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Speaker 2: You know. Some people fled to Palm Spring, some people

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Speaker 2: fled to other friends' houses. Look, I know a lot

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Speaker 2: of people as well as you do, that have lost

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Speaker 2: their everything. You know what I mean. It's kind of crazy.

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Speaker 2: It's like you pick four people, right, and you know

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Speaker 2: four people that have lost all of their stuff. They

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Speaker 2: know four people and more that have lost all of

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Speaker 2: their stuff, whether it be their neighbors or people who

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Speaker 2: lived in the area.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, my friend lost everything everything, he said, he said.

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Speaker 1: The hardest thing is like, you know so much, it

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Speaker 1: is hard to grasp, he said. But the hardest thing

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Speaker 1: is that everything his kids have ever had, their favorite

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Speaker 1: stuffed animal, their favorite toy, their their a they got

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Speaker 1: on their paper in class, anything that they have any

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Speaker 1: memory of or growing up is gone.

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Speaker 2: It was nuts, man, it was nuts. But thankfully the

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Speaker 2: firefighters were able to contain both fires. You know, it's

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Speaker 2: it's it's really amazing how California came together. People went

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Speaker 2: out and donated their clothes and donated food and donated water.

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Speaker 1: And you know how badass to those those those fire

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Speaker 1: men and women, I mean those those those the ones

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Speaker 1: in the chopper, I mean all of them period, so

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Speaker 1: brave and just we just owe so much gratitude to them.

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Speaker 1: But watching those those videos of those planes and choppers

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Speaker 1: dumping water and those pilots flying into the smoke and fire,

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Speaker 1: it's just.

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Speaker 2: These cansa doing millennium Falcon moves in D sixteens and

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Speaker 2: shit like that. Man, it was like, holy cow. Bro.

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Speaker 1: Like now when you play you know, when you watch

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Speaker 1: study app for those who don't know, watch Dudy' is

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Speaker 1: this wildfire app that everyone in LA downloaded because it

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Speaker 1: showed you where the fires were. And then there's another

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Speaker 1: tier which I paid for, which it shows you exactly

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Speaker 1: where every firefighting aircraft was, which was really cool because

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Speaker 1: you could see like, oh, that's where they're throwing all

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Speaker 1: the attention. That must be the worst spot right there.

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Speaker 1: It was really fascinating and just so incredibly how I'm

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Speaker 1: blown away by how brave these men and women are.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's amazing. It's it truly was amazing to see.

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Speaker 1: How buy me the other day and in my neighborhood,

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Speaker 1: I was like a kid. I was like, I was

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Speaker 1: no different than a five year old. I was like

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Speaker 1: thumbs up. I was like I was like doing like

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Speaker 1: the fake bow. I was like doing this fucking thing

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Speaker 1: where you cheer on both sides of your head. I'm

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Speaker 1: sure that everyone has that response to them, but I

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Speaker 1: wanted to like hug them because my house survived. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: The crazy thing is is that people that did lose

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Speaker 2: homes are having a hard time finding new places to

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Speaker 2: live to rent, and they're prices and prices are gouged

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Speaker 2: and everything.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean people are that's going to be I

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Speaker 1: don't know where else people are gonna live. It's so crazy.

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Speaker 1: Let's move on to another talk about other topics. Go ahead.

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Speaker 2: How about the Skeleton Crew. What a what a way

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Speaker 2: back Star Wars. Way to go, Star Wars.

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Speaker 4: You did it.

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Speaker 2: You came back from the depths of I'm drooling. That's

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Speaker 2: how much I loved it. It came back from the

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Speaker 2: depths of I don't know if I want to watch

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Speaker 2: Star Wars anymore. To now Star Wars is back. I

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Speaker 2: don't think they need to do anything else with any

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Speaker 2: other characters.

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Speaker 1: This show.

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Speaker 2: Let me finish, let me let me finish. They should

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Speaker 2: focus on those four characters.

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Speaker 1: The kids.

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Speaker 2: That's the new group of Star Wars. That's the new

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Speaker 2: Star Wars. Right there, we had luke Lea, and Han

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Speaker 2: and Chewie. Now we got whim freaking U and the

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Speaker 2: rest of them. Let's stay there.

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Speaker 1: Bro, that was fired, okay, Joel, do you feel the

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Speaker 1: same as a Star Wars devote.

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Speaker 3: It's wonderful that Star Wars is turned to its roots,

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Speaker 3: which is to make entertainment for to.

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Speaker 1: Use your volume and get all your.

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Speaker 3: So I'm showing.

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Speaker 4: I enjoy it.

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Speaker 3: It's magical.

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Speaker 1: I think I have a theory that Joel is on

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Speaker 1: another podcast and she has to play a different character

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Speaker 1: on that podcast. I'm going to be and then she

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Speaker 1: forgets to switch to high energy silly Joel. When she

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Speaker 1: comes on.

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Speaker 3: This one, the code switch back to the hyperactive version.

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Speaker 3: You want to get over here, Okay, I'm gonna work up.

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Speaker 3: I think Star Wars' best decision was that they cast

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Speaker 3: you Law. That guy is magical and he does such

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Speaker 3: a good job of being both the sparkling, winking character

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Speaker 3: and also genuinely terrifying at some points, and to be

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Speaker 3: able to do both is really challenging, but to do

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Speaker 3: both in like seconds of each other is masterful. Uh yeah,

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Speaker 3: I think we're gonna see whim in the ray series.

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Speaker 3: That seems to be the prevailing thought.

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Speaker 2: They did a good job.

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Speaker 3: It was fun. I was entertained.

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Speaker 1: I think kids really like it.

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Speaker 3: They needed kids to come back to Star Wars, so

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Speaker 3: that's a positive. Androids around the corner. So it looks

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Speaker 3: like things are coming up good for Star Wars.

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Speaker 1: I'll watch you andor yeah you will, fucking I gotta

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Speaker 1: say it. I'm watching a new show for those of

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Speaker 1: you who don't care about Star Wars. It's so good.

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Speaker 1: It's called The Pit.

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Speaker 2: Oh exact, you know, it's compared to they say, if

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Speaker 2: you like The Pit you'll love Scrubs, that's what they say.

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Speaker 1: Well, no, you're not serious. The Pit.

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Speaker 2: I'm serious.

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Speaker 1: Well the Pit, just those are don't on the premise.

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Speaker 1: First of all, Noah Wiley is back. I don't know

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Speaker 1: why he was gone for so long. He is such

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Speaker 1: a good actor. And the premise of The Pit is

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Speaker 1: it's fifteen episodes, and each episode is an hour of

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Speaker 1: this doctor's life in a very intense er in Pittsburgh,

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Speaker 1: and so he's the lead doctor in the Er, and

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Speaker 1: all of these stories are unfolding, and every episode is

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Speaker 1: an hour in real time. And it is so good.

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Speaker 1: The acting is excellent, the characters are excellent, the stories

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Speaker 1: are so intriguing. You feel like it's building and building

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Speaker 1: and building to something. I highly highly recommend it. I

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Speaker 1: wish there were more. I wish I could binge it.

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Speaker 1: They're doing that fucking thing where it comes out every week.

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Speaker 1: I need them, I need them.

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Speaker 2: I'm very happy man, me too.

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Speaker 1: He's a very fucking actor.

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Speaker 2: Not only that, man, you know, he was the guy

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Speaker 2: from Er for a really long time and to find

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Speaker 2: a way to shed that character.

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Speaker 1: Well he is back to playing an er doctor. But

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Speaker 1: I didn't watch R but I don't know that it's

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Speaker 1: the same character. But he's such a fine actor.

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Speaker 2: He is well deservant. There's that word again.

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Speaker 1: He's deserve So we ever just decide if that's a

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Speaker 1: word or not.

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Speaker 2: George, it's in the dictionary now it's in our dictionary,

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Speaker 2: because it's in our dictionary. But he is well deservant

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Speaker 2: of the of the hype, of the accolades, of the

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Speaker 2: of the mount of viewership that show is getting because

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Speaker 2: he is a very very fine actor. As you see

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Speaker 2: he is he is.

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Speaker 1: And I gotta say I always root for people when

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Speaker 1: they somehow go away for whatever reason. I'm not saying

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Speaker 1: he wasn't working. I mean, I don't mean to say

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Speaker 1: he wasn't. I'm sure he was. But now he's back

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Speaker 1: in a very high profile HBO Max show. And I

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Speaker 1: always he's one of those actors that I go God,

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Speaker 1: I love watching him. He's so interesting. I root for him.

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Speaker 2: There was a reason Er was great, and it wasn't

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Speaker 2: just George Clooney. He had a lot to do with it.

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Speaker 2: A lot.

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Speaker 1: Well, this is John Wells as as well, Joelle. Didn't

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Speaker 1: he create Er?

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Speaker 3: I believe. Let me just double check that factory.

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Speaker 1: They're a good they're a good team. Put those two

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Speaker 1: in a hospital The R Show, and I'm in. I

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Speaker 1: never really watched The R to be honest. I know

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Speaker 1: it's extremely popular because it's been on for seventy five years,

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Speaker 1: but this is a different take, and I think actually

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Speaker 1: Scrubs fans who are listening you will love it because

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Speaker 1: obviously there's no comedy, but it's a I'm sure a

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Speaker 1: very very accurate telling of what it's like for these

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Speaker 1: people in an inner city trauma center. It's just so

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Speaker 1: realistic to me for someone who pretended to be a

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Speaker 1: doctor for a while. And it's a teaching hospital just

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Speaker 1: like Scrubs was, So you're seeing them try and attend

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Speaker 1: to all the patients but at the same time trying

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Speaker 1: to educate the younger kids. And I don't know, I

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Speaker 1: just find it fascinating. Fascinating.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So Michael Crichton created er, is that correct?

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Speaker 1: John Wells had nothing to do with the R.

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Speaker 3: I'm not saying you had nothing to do with it,

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Speaker 3: but I think Michael Crichton created it.

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Speaker 2: That is.

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Speaker 1: John Wells I think was associated with it, but I

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Speaker 1: could be wrong. I've been wrong seven times in my life.

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Speaker 2: Hey, Okay, so let's move on.

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Speaker 1: What's the next topic, Donald, I'm still sober. Oh, I

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Speaker 1: got a dust off my slender supplause button.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if I could hear it, but okay,

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Speaker 2: I'm not gonna lie. I did have a drink or

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Speaker 2: two while out eating sushi, okay, But for the most part,

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Speaker 2: how are you feeling? You know? What sucks is that

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Speaker 2: the appetite has come back and I didn't think and

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Speaker 2: I didn't even without ganja, even without ganja, I'm eating

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Speaker 2: more now than I did when I was smoking weed.

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Speaker 2: And that's the crazy thing.

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Speaker 1: Is how's your workouts going?

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Speaker 2: I work out, you know, it's not every day. It

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Speaker 2: should be every day. I'm fifty, so I should be

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Speaker 2: working out every day. But I work out. It's still

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Speaker 2: But I think the amount of food I'm consuming, you know,

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Speaker 2: bypasses and shuts. Yeah, you're getting too many calories, way

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Speaker 2: too many calories.

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Speaker 1: Is there a way you can, since you're on a

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Speaker 1: roll with everything else, is there a way you can,

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Speaker 1: you know, get it, get onto a good habit with

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Speaker 1: with not overeating.

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Speaker 2: I think there is. I you know, I thought it

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Speaker 2: was cooking at home. It just so happens. That I

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Speaker 2: cook a lot of food and eat that ship. You know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I saw you posts like fried chicken or something.

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Speaker 2: I made that ship and it was good. Baby. Let

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Speaker 2: me tell you something. That ship was good. Look at it.

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Speaker 2: I'm getting titties and everything. That ship was good.

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Speaker 1: I don't play with them while we're while we're shooting

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Speaker 1: this video on this now, no one wants you know.

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Speaker 2: That's the that's that's the sign of you doing the

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Speaker 2: right thing. When your woman does this, when you're hitting it,

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Speaker 2: you're doing the right things.

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Speaker 1: For those grabbing his breasts and playing with his nipples,

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Speaker 1: I'll have to ask if that's what.

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Speaker 2: Uh, let's not do that. I don't do that. I

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Speaker 2: don't think. But yeah, man, that's what I'm.

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Speaker 1: Proud of you. That's very good I am. I'm I'm

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Speaker 1: doing pretty good myself. I took a tiny break because

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Speaker 1: I went skiing and I had a couple of drinks skiing,

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Speaker 1: But but I'm for the most part continuing my mostly

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Speaker 1: boozless twenty five.

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Speaker 2: Good for you, nice, stay sober.

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Speaker 1: Well. I'd feel so much better when I don't put

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Speaker 1: that shit in my body personally.

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Speaker 2: You know what I'm noticing now when I eat shitty food.

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Speaker 2: Now I feel bad after eating shitty food, like my

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Speaker 2: body doesn't respond to it.

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Speaker 1: Well, your body doesn't want that shit.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that these are things I'm learning.

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Speaker 1: I went skiing, which was a lot of fun. I

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Speaker 1: went to We were at Sundance, but we didn't really

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Speaker 1: go to much Sundance stuff because the secret trick about

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Speaker 1: Sundance if you don't have a movie there and you're

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Speaker 1: not going to see movies, is that the ski mountains

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Speaker 1: are empty so you can ski and all the people

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Speaker 1: are at the fest. So I did pretty good for

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Speaker 1: a guy who skis once or twice a year. I

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Speaker 1: think I'm pretty decent.

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Speaker 3: Cross country downhill.

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Speaker 1: Were talking downhill downhill skiing along with a bunch of folks,

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Speaker 1: you know, Donald.

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Speaker 2: All White obviously, because.

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Speaker 1: That's just really fun being clever. And Michelle came.

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Speaker 2: Michelle went, can she skate?

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Speaker 1: She didn't ski, but she came.

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Speaker 2: Yeah exactly. She was like, I'm gonna hang out. I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna hang out, but I ain't going out in that

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Speaker 2: cold ass weather.

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Speaker 1: She had fits for days.

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Speaker 2: I bet she did.

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Speaker 1: I bet you could see the fits.

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Speaker 2: You know, you know how I feel about the Selle

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Speaker 2: Michelle Fine.

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Speaker 1: Yes, she is fine, and she has a lot of fits,

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Speaker 1: so she she came prepared with Every time we went out,

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Speaker 1: she had a better fit on them than I was,

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Speaker 1: just like sweatpants anything.

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Speaker 2: She was like, no, no, no, this is my skiing outfit.

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Speaker 2: You're going no, but.

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Speaker 4: Here, guys, all right.

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Speaker 1: That's invite Jillian stories.

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Speaker 4: I'm not sure we made about a bunch of nurses.

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Speaker 4: I said, he's a story. So YadA ra do here,

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Speaker 4: yeada here.

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Speaker 1: Jillian to Reki is an extremely gifted, wise woman when

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Speaker 1: it comes to dating advice. I just want to start

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Speaker 1: off by saying, if you are trying to date or

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Speaker 1: looking for love and all the wrong places, you should

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Speaker 1: be following Jillian Toreki on Instagram because she drops knowledge

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Speaker 1: bombs all day long. Welcome back to the program, Jillian.

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Speaker 2: Like I was saying, you fucked him up?

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Speaker 1: Well, how are you? How did how did she funck

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Speaker 1: me up? I mean I was trying to amaze her advice.

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Speaker 2: And you did and it was in a good way,

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean. It was like you went

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Speaker 2: from not really you know, not really certain on what

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Speaker 2: it was you wanted or how you wanted it and

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Speaker 2: all of that stuff to being very specific. You were

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Speaker 2: very specific, and you were very specific about your actions too.

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Speaker 1: Now, Jillian has a new book, your first book, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's my first book, your first book, and it's called

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Speaker 1: It Begins with You.

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Speaker 3: Now.

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Speaker 1: If you're dating, if you're out there, if you're dispirited,

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Speaker 1: if you're frustrated, I highly recommend getting this book. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to read it myself.

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Speaker 5: Or even if you're in a relationship or a marriage.

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Speaker 1: Okay, because it helps you keep it going in a

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Speaker 1: successful way, or it.

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Speaker 5: Just helps you if you're having any sort of relationship issue,

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Speaker 5: if you're in a relationship and struggling, as well as

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Speaker 5: if you're dating.

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Speaker 1: I like the title because I believe in that. I

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Speaker 1: think one of the things that Donald's alluding to is

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Speaker 1: that I had to look at how I was behaving

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Speaker 1: in terms of how I was showing up and how

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Speaker 1: I was communicating. Because for personally, I think one of

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Speaker 1: my biggest I'll just share openly right off the bat

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Speaker 1: is I get afraid to speak my mind and what

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Speaker 1: I'm really feeling, and I hold it in and I

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Speaker 1: walk on eggshells and I don't want to cause a problem,

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Speaker 1: and then I hold in all these feelings. And then

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Speaker 1: someone told me a great quote which was that anger

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Speaker 1: it turns into resentment when you hold it inside, and

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Speaker 1: then resentment held in for too long turns into depression.

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Speaker 1: And that really kind of landed with me because I

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Speaker 1: was just being a whim about communicating. Right, I'll let

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Speaker 1: you take it from there. But that's the title of

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Speaker 1: your book. It begins with you.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, So bravo for I mean, the whole point is

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Speaker 5: to kind of I want to encourage people to find

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Speaker 5: the courage to look in the mirror and ask themselves

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Speaker 5: the really difficult question, how might I be contributing to

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Speaker 5: that which I say I don't want? And that that

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Speaker 5: can be applied to every aspect of life. I specifically

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Speaker 5: apply it to romantic relationships. And so you know, we

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Speaker 5: all have our stuff. We none of us go into

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Speaker 5: a relationship perfect. We all have we all are afraid

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Speaker 5: that we're not enough in some way. And that is

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Speaker 5: not that fear isn't the same for everyone. It exists

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Speaker 5: on the spectrum, but there's no place other than a

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Speaker 5: romantic situation, a relationship or dating scenario where we are

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Speaker 5: not going to be confronted with that fear that somehow

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Speaker 5: we are not enough more. That's where it's going to happen.

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Speaker 5: So you know, when you refer to I hold it in.

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Speaker 5: First of all, that's a very that's a very common

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Speaker 5: NT narrative with men. It's not I mean women do

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Speaker 5: it too, but I do notice a lot of men

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Speaker 5: in relationships there's a there's a fear of disappointing. There's

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Speaker 5: a fear of if I express my feelings, am I

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Speaker 5: going to look like a whimp, you know? Or am

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Speaker 5: I going to be heard or understood. We all want

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Speaker 5: to be heard and understood, and so this idea of well,

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Speaker 5: I don't express my feelings, so I walk around on

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Speaker 5: eggshells like typically, and I would imagine this is the

441
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,680
Speaker 5: case for you, and for a lot of people. We'll say,

442
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,720
Speaker 5: well then it's the other person, right, And look, you

443
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:40,199
Speaker 5: may be one might be in a relationship where the

444
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:43,879
Speaker 5: other person is more of the problem. It's I don't

445
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,720
Speaker 5: really love this platitude that's out there, like, yes the

446
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:48,520
Speaker 5: problem is me, you know, from a Taylor Swift song

447
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:53,159
Speaker 5: or whatever. But it's just that if you want you

448
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,080
Speaker 5: have to be the change that you want to see

449
00:22:55,119 --> 00:22:58,239
Speaker 5: in your relationships. So what are your patterns what are

450
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,400
Speaker 5: your patterns from how you choose to how you show up?

451
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,119
Speaker 5: And by the way, here's some really important insight for you.

452
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:08,359
Speaker 5: Everything that you do in a relationship that you're like,

453
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,359
Speaker 5: maybe I shouldn't be doing that, you're doing it because

454
00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:14,679
Speaker 5: you don't want to lose love. So the intention is

455
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:19,399
Speaker 5: always pure. The intention is always to self protect and

456
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:20,240
Speaker 5: to self preserve.

457
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,480
Speaker 1: I think a lot of times for me, it's that

458
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:26,560
Speaker 1: I don't want to I don't want to cause waves

459
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:31,159
Speaker 1: I had. You know, my father had quite a temper

460
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,439
Speaker 1: when I was a child, and I think I have

461
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:37,679
Speaker 1: some trauma from arguing. Not that not that I hit.

462
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,000
Speaker 1: My relationships are on the level of arguments, are on

463
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,560
Speaker 1: the level of my father screaming at me as a child.

464
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,880
Speaker 1: But I think that one thing I've sort of looked

465
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:48,480
Speaker 1: at in therapy is really wanting to avoid confrontation just

466
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:52,800
Speaker 1: because I had this childhood trauma from even a mild argument,

467
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:56,520
Speaker 1: even a mild amount of tension, my anxiety rises and

468
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,640
Speaker 1: then probably obviously applies to other areas of my life.

469
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:01,560
Speaker 1: But since we're here talking to you about relationships, and

470
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,399
Speaker 1: so I found when I was taking a look at

471
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:10,959
Speaker 1: stuff partially inspired by you, that I yeah, that I

472
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:14,560
Speaker 1: was avoiding any kind of even the most mild confrontation,

473
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:19,280
Speaker 1: just to not go there and not to have uncomfortable conversations,

474
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 1: which is so fucking unhealthy because the more you swallow it,

475
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:27,400
Speaker 1: the more you keep it inside, you become very resentful

476
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:30,520
Speaker 1: to the person. Obviously this applies to friendships and family

477
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,919
Speaker 1: members as well, but let's talk about relationships. You become

478
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,640
Speaker 1: resentful to your partner and they haven't really done anything

479
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:40,840
Speaker 1: necessarily because you're the one who isn't having the courage

480
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:41,959
Speaker 1: to communicate correct.

481
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:45,760
Speaker 5: Yes, absolutely, and I'll add something else. And this is

482
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:50,080
Speaker 5: a really interesting paradox. In your attempt to sort of

483
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:53,960
Speaker 5: keep the peace and to not want to create any

484
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,479
Speaker 5: waves or not have. You know, you want to avoid

485
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,280
Speaker 5: the confrontation, so you go into a little bit avoidance.

486
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:05,440
Speaker 5: You actually become when you do that, unsafe to your partner,

487
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:11,040
Speaker 5: because what makes a person safe in a relationship is

488
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:17,680
Speaker 5: always always being upfront about where you stand and where

489
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:21,520
Speaker 5: the other person stands in your heart. And when you're

490
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 5: avoiding the conversations, you are, in your own way, avoiding

491
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,720
Speaker 5: the truth. And if you avoid the truth, then people

492
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:33,360
Speaker 5: can never really feel totally secure with you, because then

493
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:37,920
Speaker 5: they think, well, number one, they think, can I can

494
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,240
Speaker 5: I have an argument with this person and know that

495
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:44,360
Speaker 5: it's going to be okay? Can I trust that this

496
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:47,199
Speaker 5: person is actually going to tell me how they feel?

497
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:49,960
Speaker 5: Or are they just going to tell me what I

498
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:54,159
Speaker 5: want to hear? And so these conversations. The way to

499
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,560
Speaker 5: reframe it is, look, I don't like it. I mean

500
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,879
Speaker 5: I don't want to have these difficult conversations either, But

501
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:04,280
Speaker 5: you do it in service of the relationship. So if

502
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:08,800
Speaker 5: you if you stop thinking it from from the perspective of, oh,

503
00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:10,960
Speaker 5: I'm doing this because I need to speak my truth

504
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,800
Speaker 5: or I'm doing this because they need to know my needs.

505
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,840
Speaker 5: If we can remove it from that sort of selfish

506
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,919
Speaker 5: lens which we tend to know, even the most giving

507
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:26,119
Speaker 5: and loving of us can tend to be selfish in

508
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:30,280
Speaker 5: these scenarios because we are so afraid. If we can

509
00:26:30,359 --> 00:26:34,120
Speaker 5: instead say, you know what, what is what is the

510
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:38,560
Speaker 5: best thing for my relationship with this person? The truth? Okay?

511
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,320
Speaker 5: So if I know it's the truth, now it's about

512
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:43,879
Speaker 5: how do I deliver it? How do I express it?

513
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:44,600
Speaker 1: How?

514
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:48,359
Speaker 5: Then there's the art of and the science behind having

515
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:49,240
Speaker 5: that conversation.

516
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,720
Speaker 1: A man, that's what I said.

517
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:56,480
Speaker 2: You know, that's that's that's I find in my relationship.

518
00:26:56,680 --> 00:27:00,760
Speaker 2: We don't have a hard time talking about anything until

519
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,840
Speaker 2: it turns into the kids, you know what I mean,

520
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:07,080
Speaker 2: And we have I think that's where and part of

521
00:27:07,119 --> 00:27:09,840
Speaker 2: it is like, all right, their kids, and you know,

522
00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:12,359
Speaker 2: some of these things, they'll grow out of. Some of

523
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:15,320
Speaker 2: these things we have to address now. But for some reason,

524
00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:19,320
Speaker 2: when it gets to the kids, i'm very Maybe it's

525
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:22,520
Speaker 2: because I'm afraid to have the conversation about them, but

526
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:27,680
Speaker 2: i'm very very okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely, whatever, yeah, whatever,

527
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:29,479
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Whatever you want to do,

528
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:31,600
Speaker 2: whatever it is you want to do, let's we'll do that.

529
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,320
Speaker 2: And sometimes it's not what I want to do. But

530
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 2: you know, I don't want to fuck my kids up,

531
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,080
Speaker 2: you know what I mean? And I know she doesn't

532
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,600
Speaker 2: want to fuck the kids up either, And so.

533
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,560
Speaker 1: So you're saying that you're not are you saying just

534
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:49,080
Speaker 1: so I'm clear that you're not fully expressed about what

535
00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:50,680
Speaker 1: you're feeling about what you want to do with the

536
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:52,520
Speaker 1: kids because you're like, I don't want to suck them up.

537
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,000
Speaker 1: I'll just yield to whatever you're saying.

538
00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:57,240
Speaker 2: Absolutely, yeah, and that's not healthy. And I know it's

539
00:27:57,240 --> 00:28:00,120
Speaker 2: not healthy, and I see myself doing it, and it's like,

540
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,600
Speaker 2: you know, I you know, I get short tempered when

541
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:04,200
Speaker 2: we talk about the kids. I get, you know what

542
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:05,880
Speaker 2: I mean, Like it's a bunch of things.

543
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:07,919
Speaker 1: It's kind of a similar thing, Donald, It's kind of

544
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:12,280
Speaker 1: like avoiding, avoiding something challenging because you're like, I don't

545
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,480
Speaker 1: I don't want to. I don't want to fuck something up.

546
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:17,399
Speaker 5: I mean, what we're all talking about right now is anxiety.

547
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:24,120
Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely, you know that's fear and fear of yeah,

548
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:26,879
Speaker 1: and a fear. I mean, it's very scary. I know.

549
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:29,560
Speaker 1: I know it's different when you're in a marriage. I've

550
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:33,720
Speaker 1: never been one, but I think it's very it's very

551
00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:37,040
Speaker 1: scary to be vulnerable and trust someone on the level

552
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:38,840
Speaker 1: that you do when you're in a relationship. And I

553
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:43,320
Speaker 1: think that those of us who are anxious folks try

554
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:47,720
Speaker 1: and avoid, try and avoid, and that's unhealthy.

555
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:55,280
Speaker 5: Uh yeah, it's unhealthy. And you know, it's just it's

556
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:58,440
Speaker 5: not helpful, right, And I think it's about seeing it

557
00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:03,440
Speaker 5: from the other perspective on how that rather than just

558
00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 5: labeling it as unhealthy, it's let me see how an

559
00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:12,560
Speaker 5: alternative would actually just benefit everyone and it doesn't actually

560
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:18,040
Speaker 5: have to be that scary. Yeah, but yeah, And I

561
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:20,959
Speaker 5: think that a lot of people avoid these hard conversations

562
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:24,800
Speaker 5: because maybe they're afraid of disappointing someone. I mean, we're

563
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:29,840
Speaker 5: all just afraid of disappointing. We're afraid of you know.

564
00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 5: I don't want anything to disrupt the peace and the flow,

565
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:37,040
Speaker 5: So it's just easier for me to just say yes.

566
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:40,240
Speaker 5: And look, I mean there's some value to saying yes

567
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,960
Speaker 5: a lot of the time and not creating a bunch

568
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,120
Speaker 5: of confrontation. It's a balance.

569
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,080
Speaker 1: You got to pick your time too, you right, Yeah,

570
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:47,560
Speaker 1: you do.

571
00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:48,720
Speaker 5: Yeah. Absolutely.

572
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,640
Speaker 1: My therapist was saying that, like one of the things

573
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:56,280
Speaker 1: he does in his relationship is they'll just they'll have

574
00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:59,800
Speaker 1: a very kind way of saying, now's not the time, obviously,

575
00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:02,200
Speaker 1: but but when the time is right, let's just clear

576
00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:04,640
Speaker 1: this up so we don't have this thank thing in

577
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:06,800
Speaker 1: the air. And I thought that was really healthy.

578
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:08,440
Speaker 5: Yeah it is.

579
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,040
Speaker 1: Let's take a break, we'll be right back after these

580
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: fine words. How do you, Jillian advise people to who

581
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:23,600
Speaker 1: are listening to this and go, Okay, you're right, I

582
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:27,440
Speaker 1: have been holding it in. I haven't been fully expressing

583
00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:30,640
Speaker 1: myself to my partner in these ways. How do you

584
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:32,840
Speaker 1: begin to approach that? Because you want to do it

585
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:34,760
Speaker 1: in the right way your partner, you also have to

586
00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:37,240
Speaker 1: have a partner that's willing to It goes without saying,

587
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:38,640
Speaker 1: but let's say it. You have to have a partner

588
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:43,200
Speaker 1: that's willing to to here into these yeah, well, to

589
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:45,680
Speaker 1: go into these conversations with you. You know, they have

590
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,360
Speaker 1: to be willing to want to work on your communication

591
00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,320
Speaker 1: or whatever whatever your conundrum is in your relationship. If

592
00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:54,800
Speaker 1: they're not down to participate in evolving, then that tells

593
00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 1: you that you sort of hit a dead end, haven't you.

594
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,200
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, I mean both people really. I mean, there's

595
00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,640
Speaker 5: the way that you broach a topic, you know. I mean,

596
00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:05,720
Speaker 5: you're not really going to get a great response from

597
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:08,080
Speaker 5: someone if you're like, we need to talk about this

598
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:11,360
Speaker 5: right now, and you you you you, you right, You're

599
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:12,520
Speaker 5: not going to get a good response.

600
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:13,480
Speaker 1: Now, that's not gonna work out.

601
00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:16,080
Speaker 5: Well, it's not going to work out well. But yeah,

602
00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:20,360
Speaker 5: I mean, look, I think that one of the most underrated,

603
00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:23,560
Speaker 5: two of the most underrated relationship skills is one being

604
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,720
Speaker 5: able to give feedback with care and to being able

605
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:31,360
Speaker 5: to receive that feedback and to have a conversation about it. Yeah.

606
00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:35,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, talk more about that, about about having a situation

607
00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:39,840
Speaker 1: having without a counselor, because I know some people get

608
00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:41,800
Speaker 1: to a point where they have a counselor sort of

609
00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:46,600
Speaker 1: helping them moderate that moderating their discussion. But if someone's

610
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:49,000
Speaker 1: not there yet, how do you approach it with your

611
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:53,080
Speaker 1: partner in such a way that you want to pivot

612
00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:57,840
Speaker 1: to better communication without them feeling like you're attacking them.

613
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:00,840
Speaker 5: Why don't you give me an exact sample of something

614
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,240
Speaker 5: and I will give you a script. How does that

615
00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:04,360
Speaker 5: sound like?

616
00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:04,760
Speaker 2: Maybe?

617
00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:07,120
Speaker 1: Donald, I'm not in a relationship right now, so maybe Donald?

618
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:08,840
Speaker 5: Can you've been in relationships?

619
00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:12,800
Speaker 1: Yes? I have? Donald, you want to go first?

620
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:16,920
Speaker 2: Sure. So here's the thing. We have conversations sometimes about

621
00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,360
Speaker 2: how the kids talk to us, and it's very clear

622
00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:21,520
Speaker 2: that the reason why they talk to us the way

623
00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:23,000
Speaker 2: they talk to us is because of how we talk

624
00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:25,280
Speaker 2: to each other and how we talk to them as well.

625
00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:26,080
Speaker 2: You know what I mean.

626
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:28,120
Speaker 5: Are they being rude?

627
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,960
Speaker 2: Oh? My kids can be one of the rudest kids,

628
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:32,920
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Like, as a matter of fact,

629
00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:36,320
Speaker 2: if you wouldn't mind, I would like to get my

630
00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:37,200
Speaker 2: wife to be no.

631
00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:38,480
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no no. We don't have time for

632
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:39,040
Speaker 1: her right now.

633
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 2: She's not gonna say get out of here, man, I'm

634
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:42,160
Speaker 2: gonna go get.

635
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:46,680
Speaker 1: Her Jesus all right, we have to play a theme song, Kasey,

636
00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:49,480
Speaker 1: come down here.

637
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:53,000
Speaker 2: I don't know nothing about raising these schools, so tell

638
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:56,719
Speaker 2: me what to do. Do nothing about raising these kids.

639
00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:00,880
Speaker 1: And that's what it is, all right? There she is,

640
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:02,760
Speaker 1: this is Jillian.

641
00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:06,840
Speaker 2: Are. I feel like we have great communication, but when

642
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:11,840
Speaker 2: it comes to the kids, that's when I kind of, uh,

643
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 2: whatever you want to do, babe, however it is you.

644
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:19,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, we're talking about communication, and Jillian is a

645
00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:23,160
Speaker 1: dating and a couple of communication experts, and we're talking

646
00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:26,280
Speaker 1: about how you guys can get in arguments about how

647
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:28,680
Speaker 1: to handle it when the kids are are rude to you.

648
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:30,760
Speaker 1: And she was going to guide Donald through a through

649
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:32,400
Speaker 1: a way that you guys can communicate it in a

650
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:33,200
Speaker 1: more healthy way.

651
00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:36,480
Speaker 5: Now, well, here's something that's really helpful for kids. If

652
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:41,320
Speaker 5: I might share pick three things, three really attainable things,

653
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:44,040
Speaker 5: things that they can attain, three things that they need

654
00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:46,719
Speaker 5: to do, which is sort of like a rule in

655
00:33:46,840 --> 00:33:50,440
Speaker 5: order for them to I don't know, keep their phone

656
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:53,200
Speaker 5: for the week. But it's just three things, so it's

657
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:56,280
Speaker 5: not a whole list of a bunch of rules, but

658
00:33:56,520 --> 00:34:00,320
Speaker 5: just three things and things that they can actually accomplish.

659
00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:05,600
Speaker 5: So chores, yeah, but only three, but only three things,

660
00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:07,960
Speaker 5: like you know you have on Mondays. I'm just this

661
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,560
Speaker 5: is so random. On Mondays you have to take out

662
00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:14,440
Speaker 5: the trash, okay, and when you get home from school,

663
00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:18,799
Speaker 5: you have to spend twenty minutes in your room chilling out,

664
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:22,880
Speaker 5: and then you can go do whatever, or you have

665
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:25,239
Speaker 5: to do twenty minutes of homework between this and this,

666
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:28,880
Speaker 5: and then the third one is something again easy for

667
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:33,120
Speaker 5: them to attain. Not so many rules. I don't know

668
00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:35,160
Speaker 5: how old you're, how old are your kids?

669
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:36,240
Speaker 1: Eleven and nine?

670
00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:39,480
Speaker 5: So not so many, not so many rules. We don't

671
00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,279
Speaker 5: have many rules, but you have to have the three you.

672
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:42,960
Speaker 2: Have to have. Problem.

673
00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,319
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe that's the problem is that there's no there's

674
00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:47,319
Speaker 1: no rules, so.

675
00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:49,399
Speaker 5: You just have to make it very simple for them,

676
00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:51,600
Speaker 5: like you know, mommy and daddy and daddy and I

677
00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:54,480
Speaker 5: you know, discuss this and you know there are three

678
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,759
Speaker 5: things that needs to be done and this is them

679
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:00,720
Speaker 5: and make sure it's just really really simple, really clear,

680
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:04,719
Speaker 5: and then if they do that for like, let's say

681
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:07,480
Speaker 5: three weeks or at the end of the week, they

682
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:08,840
Speaker 5: get some sort of reward.

683
00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:12,480
Speaker 6: Okay, no, I'm all for structure.

684
00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:16,000
Speaker 5: This one's the reward system works very well well.

685
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:18,600
Speaker 1: Donald was mentioning before he came on Casey that you

686
00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:23,719
Speaker 1: guys sort of arguing yourselves about how to handle when

687
00:35:23,719 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 1: the kids are speaking disrespectfully to you. Yeah, what are

688
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:30,319
Speaker 1: your thoughts versus Donald's.

689
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:33,440
Speaker 6: Well, I don't know what Donald said, but what I

690
00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:36,120
Speaker 6: think the problem is is that we're all together all

691
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:42,080
Speaker 6: the time, so there's no they obviously they're good kids.

692
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:42,920
Speaker 6: I'm they're not.

693
00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:44,279
Speaker 1: I've seen bad kids.

694
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:50,000
Speaker 6: I don't have bad kids really, but but they do

695
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:53,720
Speaker 6: start speaking to us as if we're all peers because

696
00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:57,920
Speaker 6: we're all together all the time, and I like, for instance,

697
00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:00,879
Speaker 6: our daughter did some My daughter's been sick and I've

698
00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:03,360
Speaker 6: been home, stuck in the house for three days literally

699
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:07,719
Speaker 6: nursing her, coddling her, waiting on her hand and foot,

700
00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:10,759
Speaker 6: and then last night she got her homework and just

701
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:14,280
Speaker 6: flipped out on me and attacked me because of her homework.

702
00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:15,400
Speaker 2: She attacked all of us.

703
00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:17,680
Speaker 1: She attacked all of us, but directed towards me.

704
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:20,080
Speaker 6: And you know, I'm like, you can go to bed

705
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:22,080
Speaker 6: if you're if you don't want to hang out and

706
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:26,399
Speaker 6: be respectful. She was like, I bet so she goes

707
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:28,640
Speaker 6: to bed at six o'clock and she will power through

708
00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:32,320
Speaker 6: it the whole night. But then she started coming downstairs

709
00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:35,439
Speaker 6: and being really disrespectful. And I told Donald, I said,

710
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,319
Speaker 6: you need to go upstairs and have a talk with

711
00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:40,000
Speaker 6: her about how she's speaking to me, because I didn't

712
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,320
Speaker 6: feel like me speaking to her at that moment was

713
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:44,120
Speaker 6: going to help. I had already said what I needed

714
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:44,520
Speaker 6: to say.

715
00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:51,520
Speaker 5: He was like, what, I'm so, here's okay, So here's

716
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:52,960
Speaker 5: here's the most important thing.

717
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:56,520
Speaker 2: But it boiled. But that boiled down to I don't

718
00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:58,520
Speaker 2: want to go upstairs and say some shit that fucks

719
00:36:58,520 --> 00:36:59,719
Speaker 2: her up, you know what I mean, Like, I don't

720
00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:03,600
Speaker 2: want to upstairs and punish her. Uh, you know, I

721
00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:06,000
Speaker 2: don't want to raise my voice and yell at her

722
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:06,799
Speaker 2: and stuff like that.

723
00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:08,400
Speaker 5: You don't have to raise your voice.

724
00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:10,319
Speaker 2: Because I don't think that's gonna I mean, I can

725
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,000
Speaker 2: do that with my boy, I could do that all

726
00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:14,080
Speaker 2: the time, but with my daughter I feel like there's

727
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:17,400
Speaker 2: a there's a.

728
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:18,759
Speaker 5: It's the same. Well, I mean, Zach just shared that

729
00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:21,000
Speaker 5: his father yelled at him all the time and that

730
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:23,239
Speaker 5: what that created, So we don't want it's not about

731
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:27,879
Speaker 5: yelling at your kids ever. Really, I means, here's the thing.

732
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,680
Speaker 5: When it comes to child rearing, the most important thing,

733
00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:33,520
Speaker 5: and when it comes to actually, when it comes to

734
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:37,239
Speaker 5: any relationship. This is a marriage, a romantic relationship. This

735
00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:40,280
Speaker 5: boils down to all the principles in my book Romantic

736
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:48,440
Speaker 5: Only exactly. It's all about managing your internal state. So

737
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:53,960
Speaker 5: when we're triggered, right, whatever it is, someone we're dating

738
00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:56,759
Speaker 5: says something or does something, our kids says is you know,

739
00:37:56,840 --> 00:37:59,000
Speaker 5: being fresh and says something or does something, or a

740
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:04,359
Speaker 5: parent or partner, whatever, spouse, it's always about managing our

741
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:07,200
Speaker 5: This is not easy, by the way, at all, and

742
00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:11,600
Speaker 5: you will you will fail, we will all fail. There's

743
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:16,440
Speaker 5: great magic in saying to the person you love, whoever

744
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:19,560
Speaker 5: that person is. I just lost control over there, and

745
00:38:19,600 --> 00:38:22,399
Speaker 5: I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry that it came out

746
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:26,479
Speaker 5: like that. That was not cool. But because it's really

747
00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:32,200
Speaker 5: about managing our internal states, and so much of all

748
00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:38,000
Speaker 5: relationships is projection, it's you are not saying, doing and

749
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:42,960
Speaker 5: being the way that I want you to be, and

750
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:45,879
Speaker 5: that makes me feel very out of control. This one

751
00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:49,520
Speaker 5: hundred percent pertains to parenting that makes me feel out

752
00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:52,359
Speaker 5: of control, that makes me feel anxious that somehow I'm

753
00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:54,360
Speaker 5: going to be messing up or have some you know,

754
00:38:54,400 --> 00:38:56,440
Speaker 5: messed up kid, or I'm you know, I'm not going

755
00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:59,440
Speaker 5: to be enough for my partner. But we have to

756
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:04,480
Speaker 5: manage our projections all the time. Whoever you are in

757
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:09,600
Speaker 5: relationship with, regardless again of who that person is, they

758
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:13,360
Speaker 5: are autonomous beings with their own brains, their own mouths,

759
00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:16,920
Speaker 5: their own everything, and sometimes they're going to do stuff

760
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:19,759
Speaker 5: that we are going to take really personally, but it's

761
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:25,239
Speaker 5: not personal. And so just so as not to take

762
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:28,399
Speaker 5: this into the direction of how to child rear, because

763
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:30,680
Speaker 5: I know that's that's not the focus of today of

764
00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:33,400
Speaker 5: today and it's you know, but what I will say

765
00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:37,520
Speaker 5: that I really believe is invaluable advice is manage your

766
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:42,920
Speaker 5: internal state. And if your child is acting out, manage

767
00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:46,680
Speaker 5: your internal state. That doesn't mean that you allow behavior

768
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 5: that is unacceptable, but just keep managing your reaction. Maybe

769
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:55,400
Speaker 5: there's something going on with her or him in that moment,

770
00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:58,479
Speaker 5: maybe they're hungry, maybe there's some hormonal change happening, because

771
00:39:58,560 --> 00:40:01,640
Speaker 5: the based on their ages, I would imagine there's a

772
00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:03,480
Speaker 5: lot starting to happen.

773
00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:05,800
Speaker 6: There's a lot between my age and her age.

774
00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:12,160
Speaker 5: Yeah, all right, you got yeah, Perry.

775
00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:12,880
Speaker 2: Pause.

776
00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:15,600
Speaker 5: And then you know someone who's like going to be

777
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,799
Speaker 5: menstruating soon or whatever it is. So it's like, so

778
00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:23,839
Speaker 5: have a little under mindfulness around that and how that

779
00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:27,600
Speaker 5: can be adding to the dynamic and you need to

780
00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:28,400
Speaker 5: be mindful of that.

781
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:31,160
Speaker 2: Well, that's what I was worried about too. Yesterday when

782
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:33,040
Speaker 2: you were like, go talk to I was in my mind,

783
00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:36,480
Speaker 2: I was like, what if this is something that you know,

784
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:38,799
Speaker 2: I don't really know nothing about.

785
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:40,840
Speaker 5: Like, but in that moment, she just wants you to

786
00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:43,400
Speaker 5: have her back because she feels so powerless.

787
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:44,080
Speaker 2: Got it?

788
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,120
Speaker 5: And yeah, And so that's what's happened.

789
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:50,160
Speaker 6: You not controlling your internalness towards me. I took it

790
00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:52,879
Speaker 6: as I don't feel like getting up off the couch

791
00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:54,560
Speaker 6: to go handle this problem.

792
00:40:55,239 --> 00:40:59,799
Speaker 5: But the reality is what's happening is that his avoidance

793
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:03,120
Speaker 5: of that is fear. In that moment, she's wanting a

794
00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:06,880
Speaker 5: protector's an ally, she's feeling helpless and hopeless.

795
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:10,319
Speaker 1: So now it's interesting. Sorry, sorry interrupt you. But what's

796
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:12,759
Speaker 1: interesting is just as you take this apart and having

797
00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:15,200
Speaker 1: not even be about the child, it's about two people

798
00:41:15,239 --> 00:41:17,839
Speaker 1: that have totally different stories going on in their heads. Yes,

799
00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:21,600
Speaker 1: and then they're both upset because they're living something that

800
00:41:21,719 --> 00:41:24,799
Speaker 1: isn't on the same page and that moment and that

801
00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:27,480
Speaker 1: moment they can't necessarily communicate that. But now as we

802
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:30,279
Speaker 1: analyze it, you go, oh, this is why you're both

803
00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:33,120
Speaker 1: upset because you want this and you have different expectations

804
00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:36,160
Speaker 1: of what this moment should should be and you're not

805
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:37,000
Speaker 1: on the same page.

806
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,919
Speaker 5: Yes, I think that's very well said. And so that's

807
00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:41,800
Speaker 5: a big and that's actually a chapter in the book.

808
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,200
Speaker 5: The mind is a battlefield, so you have to be

809
00:41:44,360 --> 00:41:48,359
Speaker 5: really mindful of how the mind can work. Oh, he

810
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:50,440
Speaker 5: doesn't love me, he doesn't care. He's just sitting on

811
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:52,759
Speaker 5: the couch. He's not my protector. Oh my god. You

812
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:54,640
Speaker 5: know she's going to put me in a position where

813
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:57,879
Speaker 5: I'm going to like completely have this. You know, I'm

814
00:41:57,920 --> 00:42:00,239
Speaker 5: going to interfere with my relationship with my daughter and

815
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:03,520
Speaker 5: then I'm going to mess something up. So it begins

816
00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:07,840
Speaker 5: with having that kind of vulnerable, transparent conversation with you.

817
00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:09,360
Speaker 1: Right, That's what I was going to say. That's what

818
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,840
Speaker 1: I want to lead to. Is that so in the

819
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:13,759
Speaker 1: ideal world and these two people the next day, when

820
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,960
Speaker 1: things are calm, would get together and say, hey, can

821
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,000
Speaker 1: we talk a minute for a second about last night?

822
00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:22,480
Speaker 1: I felt that, you know, this is what I felt

823
00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:25,520
Speaker 1: without making the other person wrong, right, is what I say.

824
00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:28,040
Speaker 5: The story that I'm telling myself about this, the way

825
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:30,439
Speaker 5: that I perceive this. I know that this could be

826
00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:32,719
Speaker 5: this could be a story that I'm making up. My

827
00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:37,200
Speaker 5: experience though, and how I was feeling was this. And

828
00:42:37,239 --> 00:42:41,040
Speaker 5: then the other person can say, you know, validate, validate,

829
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:46,000
Speaker 5: I validate, validate, I hear you, validate, validate, validate because

830
00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:51,359
Speaker 5: a lot of men, of course, deserve validation, but understand

831
00:42:51,520 --> 00:42:54,640
Speaker 5: that women definitely go through life with a lot of

832
00:42:54,680 --> 00:42:59,560
Speaker 5: people not validating their experience. So just validate and then

833
00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:01,640
Speaker 5: you know, and you have to validate his as well,

834
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:01,959
Speaker 5: of course.

835
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:03,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, but then you are able to say, then you

836
00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:06,120
Speaker 1: can validate and say I hear you. I don't want

837
00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:08,799
Speaker 1: you to feel that way. My experience of that, my

838
00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:12,080
Speaker 1: story was totally different. This is what I felt. Yes,

839
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:14,520
Speaker 1: and that's why we had this argument. But so you're

840
00:43:14,520 --> 00:43:17,200
Speaker 1: not putting it on the other person to say you're wrong,

841
00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:19,000
Speaker 1: you did X, Y, and Z. You're saying, let me

842
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:21,880
Speaker 1: tell you full responsibility or responsibility for your feelings.

843
00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:24,960
Speaker 5: This is what I felt for your story, for your story.

844
00:43:25,160 --> 00:43:27,720
Speaker 1: Yes, I want to take full responsibility for my story.

845
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:30,400
Speaker 1: This is what I felt. Nothing. I'm not putting anything

846
00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:31,960
Speaker 1: on you. This is what I felt, and I want

847
00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:33,480
Speaker 1: to be open with you about why I felt the

848
00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:37,400
Speaker 1: way I felt. And then ideally, the partner says, Okay,

849
00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:39,760
Speaker 1: I hear you. I can see why you would feel

850
00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:42,440
Speaker 1: I didn't see that at the time. I can see

851
00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:45,879
Speaker 1: why you would feel that my story isn't exactly the same.

852
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:48,080
Speaker 1: Let me tell you what I was feeling. And then

853
00:43:48,160 --> 00:43:50,239
Speaker 1: the partner right, and then the partner goes okay, and

854
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:53,080
Speaker 1: then then then then then there's you both feel seen.

855
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:56,120
Speaker 6: But yeah, so you know, had had I not come

856
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:59,320
Speaker 6: up here and got on this zoom or this podcast.

857
00:43:59,040 --> 00:43:59,919
Speaker 2: We would have never known.

858
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:04,440
Speaker 6: I would have never, in a million years ever assumed

859
00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:08,359
Speaker 6: that this fool was scared to screw something up with right.

860
00:44:08,400 --> 00:44:10,080
Speaker 1: But this is the heart of the problem. Is that

861
00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:14,320
Speaker 1: then you would maybe you would have resentment towards Donald

862
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:16,520
Speaker 1: for not helping you out and.

863
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:22,440
Speaker 6: In all this, and then it snowballs into this resentment

864
00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:25,239
Speaker 6: and then anger, and then he gets pissed that I'm

865
00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:29,200
Speaker 6: just not respondib to him at all, and then the

866
00:44:29,239 --> 00:44:32,640
Speaker 6: whole house is walking on eggshells because Dad. Because of that,

867
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:34,240
Speaker 6: Donald's in a bad mood.

868
00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:38,920
Speaker 5: Yes, exactly. So the beautiful thing about this conversation right

869
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:41,560
Speaker 5: now is that you're learning about something about each other,

870
00:44:42,239 --> 00:44:45,640
Speaker 5: and you're learning about like certain fears and everyone we

871
00:44:45,719 --> 00:44:50,319
Speaker 5: all have a blueprint and of how the world should be.

872
00:44:50,440 --> 00:44:54,320
Speaker 5: We all have a parental blueprint. So if we become parents,

873
00:44:54,400 --> 00:45:00,160
Speaker 5: we have these beliefs and this story about what's and

874
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:02,440
Speaker 5: make us a good father or a good mother, Like

875
00:45:02,719 --> 00:45:05,879
Speaker 5: we come into relationships with this, and so the more

876
00:45:05,920 --> 00:45:08,560
Speaker 5: that we can have these kind of conversations about like

877
00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:10,320
Speaker 5: what does this mean to you? What are your fears

878
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:14,280
Speaker 5: around it? Like what's your biggest fear about being a dad,

879
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:17,840
Speaker 5: and have these kind of conversations so they're not necessary.

880
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:20,759
Speaker 5: They don't always have to be conversations where you're repairing.

881
00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:25,359
Speaker 5: They are conversations that create more emotional intimacy, and the

882
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:30,400
Speaker 5: whole point of a relationship is to deepen emotional intimacy

883
00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:33,319
Speaker 5: between you and another human being, which helps you grow,

884
00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:36,200
Speaker 5: which helps you feel more connected, which helps you feel

885
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:40,439
Speaker 5: more seen. Because anyone can have sex, anyone can have

886
00:45:40,719 --> 00:45:45,920
Speaker 5: superficial relationships, but a relationship, a committed relationship, this is

887
00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:48,600
Speaker 5: really what it's all about. And that's why I'm so

888
00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:53,400
Speaker 5: passionate about. You know, don't commit to the person who

889
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:56,880
Speaker 5: you can't do this with. And also you have to

890
00:45:56,920 --> 00:46:00,000
Speaker 5: be willing to step outside your comfort zone to really

891
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:04,000
Speaker 5: open yourself up, because you can't just wait for the

892
00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:06,400
Speaker 5: other person to do it to give you that invitation.

893
00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:09,440
Speaker 5: You really have to see right away is these are

894
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:12,200
Speaker 5: the building blocks of a relationship well, and also early on.

895
00:46:12,160 --> 00:46:16,240
Speaker 1: In courtship and dating, you need to I see now

896
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:19,680
Speaker 1: it's so important to say, are you down for this

897
00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:24,320
Speaker 1: kind of relationship? If you're not interested in being overly

898
00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:28,000
Speaker 1: communicative and in working on it on this level, or

899
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 1: if we need it in couple therapy, whatever it is,

900
00:46:30,920 --> 00:46:33,000
Speaker 1: reading reading a book or two, or if you're not

901
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:37,120
Speaker 1: interested in having that kind of of digging deep with me,

902
00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:40,480
Speaker 1: then you're probably not the one for me, because this

903
00:46:40,560 --> 00:46:41,920
Speaker 1: is the kind of thing I want to have.

904
00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:45,319
Speaker 5: Yes, absolutely, as long as you make it safe for

905
00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:47,279
Speaker 5: the other person to be able to open up to you.

906
00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:52,120
Speaker 2: We did all of that stuff before we got married,

907
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:55,279
Speaker 2: and in the early stages of marriage. I think as

908
00:46:55,320 --> 00:46:58,640
Speaker 2: the kids get older, I think that's where.

909
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:02,239
Speaker 6: Well, there's there's two of us, there's two bees in

910
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:04,840
Speaker 6: the house, and there's two Donald's in the house.

911
00:47:05,600 --> 00:47:07,040
Speaker 1: So it's very like.

912
00:47:08,640 --> 00:47:11,800
Speaker 5: And also, stage of life matters. So it's the stage

913
00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:14,279
Speaker 5: of life of your relationship. It's the stage of life

914
00:47:14,280 --> 00:47:17,279
Speaker 5: where you are in your personal life hormonally, it's the

915
00:47:17,320 --> 00:47:20,640
Speaker 5: stage of life of course, of your kids. Parenting a

916
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:22,640
Speaker 5: five year old is not the same thing as parenting

917
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:25,360
Speaker 5: a twelve year old. Yeah, and not the same thing

918
00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:28,040
Speaker 5: as parenting an eighteen year old or a twenty year old.

919
00:47:28,160 --> 00:47:30,359
Speaker 1: All right, Casey, we're going to kick you out.

920
00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:31,000
Speaker 6: That's amazing.

921
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:33,160
Speaker 1: Thank you. You can help.

922
00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:35,480
Speaker 2: I'm just saying, man, we're lucky that we do a

923
00:47:35,520 --> 00:47:36,719
Speaker 2: podcast like this, Zach.

924
00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:38,160
Speaker 1: This has helped out at.

925
00:47:43,520 --> 00:47:44,240
Speaker 2: All of a sudden.

926
00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:48,000
Speaker 1: Alright, you guys have really good You guys have really

927
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:52,080
Speaker 1: good you guys have really good sex tonight. Okay, you

928
00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:52,520
Speaker 1: can thank me.

929
00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:56,160
Speaker 5: Thank you, Zach, nice to meet you, nice to meet easily.

930
00:47:56,719 --> 00:47:59,120
Speaker 1: Jillian, Thank you. I think we just saved their marriage.

931
00:47:59,200 --> 00:48:02,839
Speaker 1: And when we come a bit, I want to talk

932
00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:05,839
Speaker 1: more about dating when we're back with Jillian because her

933
00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:08,920
Speaker 1: book and her things she posts and says on Instagram,

934
00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:10,600
Speaker 1: I think are so helpful for dating. So I'll be

935
00:48:10,680 --> 00:48:21,880
Speaker 1: right back after these words. I've noticed one of the

936
00:48:21,960 --> 00:48:24,960
Speaker 1: chapters of your books or I don't know if they're

937
00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:29,360
Speaker 1: chapters or you call them truths. Yes, lust is not

938
00:48:29,480 --> 00:48:30,520
Speaker 1: the same thing as love.

939
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:33,680
Speaker 2: That is absolutely correct.

940
00:48:34,120 --> 00:48:35,920
Speaker 1: No, I know, but I want to just I want

941
00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:39,000
Speaker 1: to tease that out a bit because I think that

942
00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:43,600
Speaker 1: many of us gets so entranced with someone and it's

943
00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:48,320
Speaker 1: and it's just about the exciting titillation of being attracted

944
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:52,279
Speaker 1: to them sexually. Yes, and then and then that ends

945
00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:55,120
Speaker 1: or or or or Peter's out a bit, and then

946
00:48:55,120 --> 00:48:56,920
Speaker 1: you're left with something that doesn't have a good foundation

947
00:48:56,960 --> 00:48:58,879
Speaker 1: because it was just sexual attraction, right.

948
00:48:59,239 --> 00:49:03,239
Speaker 5: Yes, a lot of people confuse the two. You know,

949
00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:05,840
Speaker 5: when we first meet someone and there's an attraction there,

950
00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:10,160
Speaker 5: and there's and you know, when we're really excited about

951
00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:13,080
Speaker 5: someone in the beginning, it's not just sexual. Usually when

952
00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:17,040
Speaker 5: we get very excited about someone, there's different levels of chemistry.

953
00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:19,799
Speaker 5: It's not just sexual. We're also we feel like we

954
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:22,680
Speaker 5: feel like there's an intellectual connection too, Like to get

955
00:49:22,719 --> 00:49:26,279
Speaker 5: excited about someone truly beyond oh I want to sleep

956
00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:29,040
Speaker 5: with them, you have to feel connected to them. And

957
00:49:30,800 --> 00:49:35,239
Speaker 5: the thing is when we feel that excitement in the beginning,

958
00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:40,520
Speaker 5: they awaken something inside of us, which is basically a liveness.

959
00:49:41,280 --> 00:49:45,719
Speaker 5: And if we have we if that sense of novelty

960
00:49:45,760 --> 00:49:48,800
Speaker 5: and adventure and aliveness has been dormant for a long time,

961
00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:51,319
Speaker 5: and then we meet someone and they awaken that in us,

962
00:49:51,719 --> 00:49:54,959
Speaker 5: it's a really fun, beautiful thing. But we think, oh,

963
00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:59,680
Speaker 5: they are the reason why I'm happy, and actually that's

964
00:49:59,719 --> 00:50:04,560
Speaker 5: not true. That you will it's very easy to get

965
00:50:04,600 --> 00:50:08,480
Speaker 5: tricked into believing that your happiness rests in the hands

966
00:50:08,480 --> 00:50:11,160
Speaker 5: of this other person when you are in lust because

967
00:50:11,239 --> 00:50:17,520
Speaker 5: everything is so exciting. But love is love is trust,

968
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:22,320
Speaker 5: love is safety and love it can also be passion

969
00:50:22,400 --> 00:50:25,920
Speaker 5: in all of these things, but love is something that

970
00:50:25,960 --> 00:50:32,960
Speaker 5: you build with someone and love real love is you know,

971
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:35,200
Speaker 5: when we're in the lust phase, and a lot of

972
00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:40,000
Speaker 5: people get addicted to that. It's very immature because Basically,

973
00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:43,759
Speaker 5: it's saying I am in love. I'm in love. I

974
00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:47,600
Speaker 5: put that in big air quotes with my projected fantasy

975
00:50:47,920 --> 00:50:50,480
Speaker 5: of who I believe or what I want a woman

976
00:50:50,560 --> 00:50:52,120
Speaker 5: to be or what I want a man to be,

977
00:50:52,560 --> 00:50:55,520
Speaker 5: yea and so. And then as soon as things get

978
00:50:55,680 --> 00:50:59,600
Speaker 5: you know, more real, there's emotional intimacy. We're seeing each

979
00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:03,440
Speaker 5: other shortcomings and depth and nuanced. A lot of people

980
00:51:03,480 --> 00:51:07,840
Speaker 5: will say, hmm, you're not perfect, I don't want anything.

981
00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:08,680
Speaker 5: I'll pull away.

982
00:51:09,120 --> 00:51:11,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, And I think that's worse. That's even worse

983
00:51:11,680 --> 00:51:14,319
Speaker 1: these days with the apps and everything, that everyone's just

984
00:51:14,360 --> 00:51:15,320
Speaker 1: like absolute.

985
00:51:15,920 --> 00:51:18,799
Speaker 5: I think I think yeah, I think yeah. I think

986
00:51:18,840 --> 00:51:23,640
Speaker 5: it definitely plays a role. I think that it's very

987
00:51:23,680 --> 00:51:30,480
Speaker 5: easy to forget each other's humanity and all this. And

988
00:51:30,760 --> 00:51:32,880
Speaker 5: I think a lot of things play a role. I

989
00:51:32,920 --> 00:51:37,560
Speaker 5: think this. I think romanticism plays a role. I think movie,

990
00:51:37,960 --> 00:51:41,040
Speaker 5: film and television, literature and art can play a role

991
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:47,560
Speaker 5: of what of what love is or isn't you know?

992
00:51:47,640 --> 00:51:52,040
Speaker 5: It's like the romantic comedy shows you all the all

993
00:51:52,080 --> 00:51:54,880
Speaker 5: the craziness in the beginning of getting the person or

994
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:59,080
Speaker 5: being rescued by the person, and then but they don't

995
00:51:59,120 --> 00:52:02,960
Speaker 5: show you like you're in right, there's no examples of that.

996
00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:06,880
Speaker 5: And love, to me is what is is a choice.

997
00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:10,759
Speaker 5: Love is something that you know. Lust is easy, it's

998
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:14,680
Speaker 5: something that we just feel and almost have no control over.

999
00:52:14,880 --> 00:52:18,160
Speaker 5: But love is something that is very much a verb,

1000
00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:21,040
Speaker 5: and it's something that you give. It's not just something

1001
00:52:21,080 --> 00:52:24,440
Speaker 5: that you receive. And a lot of people say, well,

1002
00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:28,279
Speaker 5: I love this person. No you didn't. You felt like

1003
00:52:28,360 --> 00:52:30,680
Speaker 5: crazy attracted to them, you didn't even know them.

1004
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:33,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, you make up a whole story of who they are,

1005
00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:35,080
Speaker 1: even before you get to know who they are.

1006
00:52:35,200 --> 00:52:37,000
Speaker 2: And then okay, and then.

1007
00:52:36,840 --> 00:52:38,680
Speaker 5: You get addicted to that story of who they.

1008
00:52:38,560 --> 00:52:41,920
Speaker 1: Are, right, and you're like, I'm I'm I think, especially

1009
00:52:41,960 --> 00:52:45,360
Speaker 1: when you're single and you kind of get excited about someone,

1010
00:52:46,320 --> 00:52:49,319
Speaker 1: your one's brain can all of a sudden, just like

1011
00:52:49,719 --> 00:52:51,839
Speaker 1: quickly write a script that they're the most amazing person

1012
00:52:51,880 --> 00:52:53,560
Speaker 1: and are all these things. And then little by little

1013
00:52:53,560 --> 00:52:55,319
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, all of that, all of that I

1014
00:52:55,360 --> 00:52:58,040
Speaker 1: made up myself. Yeah, that's none of that's real. And

1015
00:52:58,080 --> 00:53:00,800
Speaker 1: now I'm disappointing because who they truly yard doesn't align

1016
00:53:00,880 --> 00:53:01,520
Speaker 1: with what I may know.

1017
00:53:02,200 --> 00:53:04,359
Speaker 2: There's only one movie. I'm sorry to cut you all off,

1018
00:53:04,360 --> 00:53:06,319
Speaker 2: there's only one movie that I really believe at the

1019
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:09,880
Speaker 2: end of the day, when when it ends that they

1020
00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:12,360
Speaker 2: were happily ever after, and that's when Harry met Sally.

1021
00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:13,080
Speaker 2: But that's just me.

1022
00:53:14,600 --> 00:53:18,000
Speaker 5: Okay, well you know, yeah, well because they were friends

1023
00:53:18,040 --> 00:53:20,720
Speaker 5: for so long beforehand, and that's why.

1024
00:53:21,040 --> 00:53:24,120
Speaker 2: And there was nothing but great communication between the two

1025
00:53:24,160 --> 00:53:28,160
Speaker 2: of them and for so long, and friendship and right

1026
00:53:28,200 --> 00:53:30,080
Speaker 2: and genuine friendships.

1027
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:30,680
Speaker 5: Genuine friendship.

1028
00:53:30,719 --> 00:53:34,719
Speaker 1: They found communication before LUs, which is interesting.

1029
00:53:35,040 --> 00:53:37,560
Speaker 5: Yes, they found friendship before Yeah.

1030
00:53:37,600 --> 00:53:40,399
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like I said this all the time, my best

1031
00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:41,360
Speaker 2: friend is my wife.

1032
00:53:41,600 --> 00:53:42,879
Speaker 1: You know I was your best friend.

1033
00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:45,400
Speaker 2: Well you are, you are my best friend, but you

1034
00:53:45,440 --> 00:53:48,840
Speaker 2: know she trumps you. But but that's just because.

1035
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:52,040
Speaker 5: Friendship is very important for long term relationship. And but

1036
00:53:52,200 --> 00:53:54,960
Speaker 5: it'll always be a balance of friendship and passion and

1037
00:53:55,040 --> 00:53:59,880
Speaker 5: keeping the passion alive. But I will say that a relationship,

1038
00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:03,960
Speaker 5: it's very hard to make a relationship last over the

1039
00:54:04,000 --> 00:54:06,480
Speaker 5: long term if there isn't friendship there.

1040
00:54:06,800 --> 00:54:07,040
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1041
00:54:07,360 --> 00:54:10,440
Speaker 1: And also us to evolve, right, because we're all going

1042
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:12,520
Speaker 1: and changing, and you have to be willing.

1043
00:54:12,280 --> 00:54:15,960
Speaker 5: To willing to evolve, and also willingness to accept the

1044
00:54:16,040 --> 00:54:22,840
Speaker 5: other's evolution and their pace. And to you know, everything's

1045
00:54:22,880 --> 00:54:24,880
Speaker 5: a balance. If you grow too quickly, that can be

1046
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:28,600
Speaker 5: very destabilizing for a relationship. If you're not growing at all,

1047
00:54:29,280 --> 00:54:32,040
Speaker 5: then you can get very bored, and boredom is not

1048
00:54:32,160 --> 00:54:33,359
Speaker 5: good for a relationship.

1049
00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:35,400
Speaker 2: Boredom is the worst thing for I think if you

1050
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:36,960
Speaker 2: if you don't evolve.

1051
00:54:37,680 --> 00:54:39,719
Speaker 1: At all, try new things or do things.

1052
00:54:41,000 --> 00:54:41,920
Speaker 2: What are you doing?

1053
00:54:42,080 --> 00:54:42,239
Speaker 5: You know?

1054
00:54:43,239 --> 00:54:45,160
Speaker 1: I have another truth, Let me just finish.

1055
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:47,920
Speaker 2: My business manager just recently said to us, you know,

1056
00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:51,359
Speaker 2: you know, you guys are spending money the wrong way.

1057
00:54:51,600 --> 00:54:55,120
Speaker 2: You know, go make memories and stuff like that. You

1058
00:54:55,120 --> 00:54:58,040
Speaker 2: guys are spending money on food and eating and stuff

1059
00:54:58,080 --> 00:55:01,920
Speaker 2: like that. Go out there and enjoy jo you're enjoy

1060
00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:08,239
Speaker 2: the kids, enjoy enjoy you know, time with each other.

1061
00:55:09,040 --> 00:55:11,719
Speaker 2: And that really hit me hard. It was like, holy shit,

1062
00:55:11,840 --> 00:55:15,440
Speaker 2: you're absolutely right. I'm sitting here worried about not spending

1063
00:55:15,680 --> 00:55:18,759
Speaker 2: this money and not you know, losing this money. But

1064
00:55:19,120 --> 00:55:21,680
Speaker 2: what I really need to be worried about is creating

1065
00:55:21,760 --> 00:55:28,400
Speaker 2: memories and creating and evolving and creating creating experiences experiences

1066
00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:33,239
Speaker 2: positive not exactly positive experiences with my family and I

1067
00:55:33,719 --> 00:55:35,960
Speaker 2: and I wasn't doing that, and we weren't doing that.

1068
00:55:36,320 --> 00:55:41,279
Speaker 5: You know, couples need dopamine enhancing experiences together, especially if

1069
00:55:41,280 --> 00:55:44,440
Speaker 5: they've been together for a long time. They need to

1070
00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:47,280
Speaker 5: do things that gets the quarters all going and triggers

1071
00:55:47,320 --> 00:55:52,040
Speaker 5: the dopamine, the excitement, because there's two there's two aspects

1072
00:55:52,120 --> 00:55:56,640
Speaker 5: to a relationship. There's the serotonin aspect, which is you're

1073
00:55:56,719 --> 00:56:00,000
Speaker 5: nesting together, and some and some couples are more more

1074
00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:03,759
Speaker 5: lean more towards that. Like there's nesting, there's the friendship,

1075
00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:07,840
Speaker 5: there's the coziness. But then there's dopamine, which is like,

1076
00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:09,920
Speaker 5: we need to have some new experiences, we need to

1077
00:56:09,920 --> 00:56:13,320
Speaker 5: have some fun, we need to have a little novelty.

1078
00:56:13,440 --> 00:56:15,279
Speaker 5: And so I think there's you were always sort of

1079
00:56:15,280 --> 00:56:17,440
Speaker 5: straddling that line between those two things.

1080
00:56:19,320 --> 00:56:22,880
Speaker 1: You posted a quote on your Instagram. I wanted to

1081
00:56:23,760 --> 00:56:28,880
Speaker 1: just mention to love someone long term is to attend

1082
00:56:28,880 --> 00:56:31,759
Speaker 1: the thousand funerals of the people they used to be.

1083
00:56:32,360 --> 00:56:34,960
Speaker 5: Not my quote, that's Heidipri, But yes I did post it.

1084
00:56:35,080 --> 00:56:38,080
Speaker 1: I know it's not your quote, but it's beautiful and

1085
00:56:38,120 --> 00:56:40,280
Speaker 1: I think it's very it's kind of what we're talking

1086
00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:43,000
Speaker 1: about about being long for the ride of the evolution.

1087
00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:46,200
Speaker 5: Yes, it's very true. I mean, if you think of

1088
00:56:46,200 --> 00:56:49,959
Speaker 5: a long term relationship, there's going to be You're gonna

1089
00:56:49,960 --> 00:56:54,400
Speaker 5: have many relationships within one relationship. And unfortunately, there's just

1090
00:56:54,440 --> 00:56:57,400
Speaker 5: not a lot of examples of enduring love. We have

1091
00:56:57,440 --> 00:57:01,560
Speaker 5: a lot of examples of falling in love, a lot

1092
00:57:01,600 --> 00:57:07,000
Speaker 5: of examples, like I said in art, but we don't

1093
00:57:07,040 --> 00:57:11,719
Speaker 5: have a lot of examples of enduring love. And there

1094
00:57:11,880 --> 00:57:16,320
Speaker 5: is a tremendous opportunity to grow spiritually. I mean, look,

1095
00:57:16,440 --> 00:57:18,640
Speaker 5: just even the conversation that we had today, the two

1096
00:57:18,680 --> 00:57:21,160
Speaker 5: of you recognizing oh it's the story in my head,

1097
00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:25,960
Speaker 5: like that can yield now a conversation between the two

1098
00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:29,200
Speaker 5: of you that has the potential to be to deepen

1099
00:57:29,520 --> 00:57:32,120
Speaker 5: your bond, to deepen your friendship, to deepen your love.

1100
00:57:32,760 --> 00:57:35,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, Jillian and I can counsel you together if you want.

1101
00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:41,760
Speaker 2: We're very you know, what about what about falling in

1102
00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:45,160
Speaker 2: and out of love but then back in love again?

1103
00:57:45,680 --> 00:57:49,320
Speaker 2: Does that exist in this whole conversation?

1104
00:57:49,760 --> 00:57:54,560
Speaker 5: In long term relationships, what causes people to fall out

1105
00:57:54,560 --> 00:57:58,160
Speaker 5: of love is the loss of passion, right, It's like,

1106
00:57:58,160 --> 00:58:00,280
Speaker 5: what's the difference between loving someone and being in love

1107
00:58:00,320 --> 00:58:04,240
Speaker 5: with them? Is have it is? Passion is feeling passionate

1108
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:09,760
Speaker 5: towards them, And yes, you can restore passion in a

1109
00:58:09,800 --> 00:58:13,120
Speaker 5: long term relationship. And so if you feel like you're falling,

1110
00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:16,360
Speaker 5: If people feel like they're falling out of love, typically,

1111
00:58:17,440 --> 00:58:20,760
Speaker 5: typically what that means is they there's a little boredom

1112
00:58:20,800 --> 00:58:22,440
Speaker 5: that's set in and they need a little bit of

1113
00:58:22,480 --> 00:58:26,720
Speaker 5: dopamine activities and they have to do some exciting things together.

1114
00:58:26,840 --> 00:58:29,520
Speaker 5: Maybe one or both of them need to grow individually

1115
00:58:29,600 --> 00:58:32,840
Speaker 5: or together, but there's certainly a way to revive that

1116
00:58:32,920 --> 00:58:36,560
Speaker 5: if their foundation is strong enough between two people.

1117
00:58:36,960 --> 00:58:39,520
Speaker 2: What if it's not a long term relationship. What if

1118
00:58:39,560 --> 00:58:42,480
Speaker 2: it's a relationship that happened for like, let's say a year,

1119
00:58:42,720 --> 00:58:44,280
Speaker 2: then they break up, and what.

1120
00:58:44,200 --> 00:58:45,960
Speaker 1: If it's your side piece? Is that what you're asking?

1121
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:48,720
Speaker 2: No, No, I'm not saying it's your side piece.

1122
00:58:48,720 --> 00:58:53,360
Speaker 1: I'm saying, what if someone were to have a side

1123
00:58:53,400 --> 00:58:56,280
Speaker 1: piece and the side piece relationship isn't going that well,

1124
00:58:56,320 --> 00:59:00,200
Speaker 1: but you want to keep it going Hypothetically.

1125
00:59:00,360 --> 00:59:04,160
Speaker 2: I'm sincere about this. Is there a conversation where, because

1126
00:59:04,560 --> 00:59:07,640
Speaker 2: I've seen it happen before, where somebody they were together,

1127
00:59:08,240 --> 00:59:11,280
Speaker 2: they broke up, they got back together, and now their

1128
00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:13,400
Speaker 2: bond is stronger than it's ever been, you know what

1129
00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:16,360
Speaker 2: I mean? And I'm not I'm not one that believes

1130
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:19,240
Speaker 2: in I'm not one that believes in going backwards.

1131
00:59:19,320 --> 00:59:23,400
Speaker 5: But you know, it can happen. It can happen if

1132
00:59:23,400 --> 00:59:27,080
Speaker 5: both people take one hundred percent responsibility for their experience

1133
00:59:27,160 --> 00:59:31,560
Speaker 5: and they want to go they want to do two

1134
00:59:31,600 --> 00:59:34,360
Speaker 5: point zero of their relationship and make it better. I mean,

1135
00:59:34,400 --> 00:59:35,680
Speaker 5: lots of things are possible for you.

1136
00:59:35,840 --> 00:59:38,040
Speaker 1: What's your advice on people who are listening? It might

1137
00:59:38,040 --> 00:59:41,160
Speaker 1: be thinking like, oh, should I go back? Should I

1138
00:59:42,120 --> 00:59:46,280
Speaker 1: miss that person? Should should I try and repair or you?

1139
00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:48,800
Speaker 1: Or do you think that that usually ends poorly?

1140
00:59:49,640 --> 00:59:52,080
Speaker 5: It really just depends. I mean more times than not,

1141
00:59:52,160 --> 00:59:55,400
Speaker 5: the answer is no, you shouldn't go back. But there

1142
00:59:55,440 --> 01:00:01,680
Speaker 5: are instances where people say, you know, I did a

1143
01:00:01,720 --> 01:00:05,280
Speaker 5: lot of self reflecting and I realized where how I

1144
01:00:05,360 --> 01:00:08,040
Speaker 5: contributed to whatever didn't work, and I really want to

1145
01:00:08,040 --> 01:00:10,840
Speaker 5: give this another go, and and but you just have

1146
01:00:10,960 --> 01:00:15,920
Speaker 5: to be able to take full responsibility. Often I don't

1147
01:00:16,080 --> 01:00:18,160
Speaker 5: really think you should go back to the person who

1148
01:00:18,200 --> 01:00:20,640
Speaker 5: completely betrayed you and broke your heart. I don't think

1149
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:22,800
Speaker 5: you should go back to the person who mistreats you,

1150
01:00:23,600 --> 01:00:28,400
Speaker 5: and by mistreatment, I mean manipulation, obviously, if there's any violence,

1151
01:00:28,880 --> 01:00:35,280
Speaker 5: But anyone who made you feel less than and I'm

1152
01:00:35,280 --> 01:00:37,440
Speaker 5: not talking about you had an argument and then you

1153
01:00:37,440 --> 01:00:40,439
Speaker 5: know you're you feel a little insecure. I'm talking about you.

1154
01:00:40,440 --> 01:00:43,000
Speaker 5: You never knew where you stood with someone, You never

1155
01:00:43,040 --> 01:00:46,360
Speaker 5: felt good enough for someone.

1156
01:00:46,680 --> 01:00:50,040
Speaker 1: The person has to be outside of let's just say,

1157
01:00:50,160 --> 01:00:54,919
Speaker 1: for this example, outside of abuse and outside of infidelity. Yes,

1158
01:00:55,200 --> 01:01:00,720
Speaker 1: the person has to be willing to work on the

1159
01:01:00,800 --> 01:01:02,560
Speaker 1: thing they have to. They have to be willing to

1160
01:01:02,920 --> 01:01:03,760
Speaker 1: show up differently.

1161
01:01:04,600 --> 01:01:08,680
Speaker 5: Yes, But I don't believe in giving someone who consistently

1162
01:01:08,720 --> 01:01:12,600
Speaker 5: made you feel not good enough a second chance.

1163
01:01:13,240 --> 01:01:15,320
Speaker 1: I heard, well, that's a great, that's a great, and

1164
01:01:15,320 --> 01:01:15,960
Speaker 1: now it's another.

1165
01:01:16,600 --> 01:01:18,360
Speaker 5: Not everyone would agree with me on that, but.

1166
01:01:19,080 --> 01:01:21,560
Speaker 2: I think most people. I think most people. I mean,

1167
01:01:21,640 --> 01:01:22,840
Speaker 2: I agree with that. How about that.

1168
01:01:23,320 --> 01:01:25,439
Speaker 5: I'm not talking about one argument where you didn't feel

1169
01:01:25,440 --> 01:01:27,760
Speaker 5: good enough for our situation. I'm talking about you never

1170
01:01:27,880 --> 01:01:29,200
Speaker 5: felt good enough for this person.

1171
01:01:29,280 --> 01:01:31,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, at least to another Jillian Direki quote that

1172
01:01:31,720 --> 01:01:35,320
Speaker 1: I like that. I wanted to say, never make your

1173
01:01:35,360 --> 01:01:38,400
Speaker 1: life harder by trying to convince someone to stay in

1174
01:01:38,400 --> 01:01:41,680
Speaker 1: your life. If someone believes their happiness is somewhere else.

1175
01:01:41,920 --> 01:01:44,880
Speaker 1: Don't hold them back from finding it, because if they stay,

1176
01:01:45,800 --> 01:01:48,600
Speaker 1: you need it to be because they want to. You

1177
01:01:48,640 --> 01:01:51,040
Speaker 1: deserve and need to be chosen every day.

1178
01:01:51,400 --> 01:01:54,960
Speaker 5: Yes, one of the most profound lessons I ever learned

1179
01:01:54,960 --> 01:01:58,640
Speaker 5: about love and relationships is that you cannot convince someone

1180
01:01:58,680 --> 01:02:00,560
Speaker 5: to love you or to choose you, or just say

1181
01:02:01,120 --> 01:02:04,080
Speaker 5: that is the law of the land. You just cannot.

1182
01:02:04,440 --> 01:02:06,840
Speaker 1: And so a lot of people listening are going, but

1183
01:02:07,000 --> 01:02:07,680
Speaker 1: what if I.

1184
01:02:08,360 --> 01:02:12,800
Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly, No, you really can't. There's a difference between

1185
01:02:12,840 --> 01:02:17,120
Speaker 5: fighting for your relationship and fighting to be enough for someone,

1186
01:02:17,160 --> 01:02:22,040
Speaker 5: and you need to know the difference, and you just look.

1187
01:02:22,480 --> 01:02:26,120
Speaker 5: Letting go is messy, it's complicated, it's hard, it's heartbreaking,

1188
01:02:26,800 --> 01:02:30,520
Speaker 5: but it's better to adopt the mentality that if someone

1189
01:02:31,320 --> 01:02:35,520
Speaker 5: thinks that their happiness is somewhere else other than with you,

1190
01:02:37,520 --> 01:02:40,320
Speaker 5: don't stand in the way of them finding that happiness.

1191
01:02:40,400 --> 01:02:43,680
Speaker 5: Because trying to convince them to love you or that

1192
01:02:43,960 --> 01:02:46,720
Speaker 5: they're going to be happy with you, it is never

1193
01:02:46,800 --> 01:02:49,200
Speaker 5: going to work. It's going to work against you in

1194
01:02:49,320 --> 01:02:50,960
Speaker 5: every way, and you lose.

1195
01:02:50,800 --> 01:02:53,160
Speaker 1: All your power. If you're being somebody else that's not.

1196
01:02:53,200 --> 01:02:57,360
Speaker 5: You, you lose all your path exactly, and you can't.

1197
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,480
Speaker 5: You can't make someone love you or choose you. People,

1198
01:03:00,960 --> 01:03:03,920
Speaker 5: we have free will for a reason, and you only

1199
01:03:03,960 --> 01:03:07,680
Speaker 5: want to be in a relationship with someone who chooses

1200
01:03:07,880 --> 01:03:10,919
Speaker 5: to be there. That's the only way. It doesn't have

1201
01:03:11,160 --> 01:03:14,560
Speaker 5: any it doesn't have a chance to work otherwise.

1202
01:03:14,880 --> 01:03:16,480
Speaker 1: I think I'm sure that people listening are like, yeah,

1203
01:03:16,480 --> 01:03:18,320
Speaker 1: but if I can just convince them by doing it,

1204
01:03:18,400 --> 01:03:20,160
Speaker 1: by being this or being that.

1205
01:03:21,000 --> 01:03:25,640
Speaker 5: Question yourself, never change yourself, It's one thing. Look, we

1206
01:03:25,720 --> 01:03:28,520
Speaker 5: all have certain habits that we need to work on,

1207
01:03:28,920 --> 01:03:30,520
Speaker 5: you know, if we're in a relationship, we may have

1208
01:03:30,520 --> 01:03:33,400
Speaker 5: certain habits like hey, you know, that's maybe something that

1209
01:03:33,440 --> 01:03:37,040
Speaker 5: you need to work on, but you should never change

1210
01:03:37,200 --> 01:03:41,760
Speaker 5: who you are to you know, you are who you are.

1211
01:03:42,160 --> 01:03:44,080
Speaker 1: And I think there's so much stressful trying to be

1212
01:03:44,120 --> 01:03:47,120
Speaker 1: somebody else, you know, there's so much. There's so much anxiety,

1213
01:03:47,440 --> 01:03:50,160
Speaker 1: is so much anxiety and playing a character in a relationship.

1214
01:03:50,240 --> 01:03:53,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, but we come from a world where playing characters

1215
01:03:53,120 --> 01:03:56,000
Speaker 2: is like, you know, we live in the La la land,

1216
01:03:56,040 --> 01:03:59,320
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Like, you know, we're all

1217
01:04:00,200 --> 01:04:02,640
Speaker 2: we all play a character in order to keep a job,

1218
01:04:02,720 --> 01:04:03,280
Speaker 2: in order.

1219
01:04:03,120 --> 01:04:05,040
Speaker 1: To but that's not that's not healthy to be in

1220
01:04:05,040 --> 01:04:05,520
Speaker 1: a relationship.

1221
01:04:05,560 --> 01:04:05,840
Speaker 2: You are.

1222
01:04:05,960 --> 01:04:10,440
Speaker 1: You are because I've seen it up close, authentically yourself

1223
01:04:10,520 --> 01:04:12,720
Speaker 1: with your partner, absolutely.

1224
01:04:13,920 --> 01:04:14,040
Speaker 2: Right.

1225
01:04:14,360 --> 01:04:17,320
Speaker 1: And you have your issues like all human beings have

1226
01:04:17,360 --> 01:04:21,920
Speaker 1: their issues, but you're not sitting there going I'm being inauthentic.

1227
01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:24,640
Speaker 1: You are proudly one hundred percent yourself with her, and

1228
01:04:24,680 --> 01:04:27,680
Speaker 1: she chooses it, and the same thing and vice versa.

1229
01:04:27,720 --> 01:04:29,760
Speaker 1: And I think what Jillian is saying is like, you

1230
01:04:30,280 --> 01:04:33,760
Speaker 1: be careful to not try and convince someone or be

1231
01:04:33,880 --> 01:04:36,400
Speaker 1: something you're not, because how the fuck can you keep

1232
01:04:36,440 --> 01:04:39,280
Speaker 1: that up? That's so stressful to like pretend you're somebody

1233
01:04:39,320 --> 01:04:42,080
Speaker 1: that that isn't who you truly are. And don't you

1234
01:04:42,200 --> 01:04:44,600
Speaker 1: want to ideally find someone who's so in love with

1235
01:04:44,680 --> 01:04:46,600
Speaker 1: who you truly are? I mean, isn't that the ideal?

1236
01:04:47,320 --> 01:04:49,280
Speaker 1: That is the ideal you have people.

1237
01:04:49,560 --> 01:04:52,760
Speaker 5: A relationship doesn't work unless people accept one another. And

1238
01:04:52,800 --> 01:04:55,080
Speaker 5: that's just it's just the bottom line.

1239
01:04:55,480 --> 01:04:57,960
Speaker 1: Sometimes so hard though, because you're just so in love

1240
01:04:59,720 --> 01:05:02,920
Speaker 1: and you can love someone so much but also be like, gosh,

1241
01:05:02,960 --> 01:05:04,920
Speaker 1: I don't know that we're compatible, but there's still so

1242
01:05:05,040 --> 01:05:05,919
Speaker 1: much love there.

1243
01:05:06,080 --> 01:05:10,160
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's heartbreaking, it's heartbreaking. And I think that you know,

1244
01:05:10,240 --> 01:05:15,680
Speaker 5: that's why love is not enough. You have to agree

1245
01:05:15,880 --> 01:05:18,840
Speaker 5: on being in alignment on what a life well lived is.

1246
01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:23,560
Speaker 5: You have to have some goals that you share. You

1247
01:05:23,600 --> 01:05:26,200
Speaker 5: have to want. Oh I hear a little puppy.

1248
01:05:26,320 --> 01:05:28,720
Speaker 1: That's my little rescue poppy. Yeah, not little my eighty

1249
01:05:28,720 --> 01:05:32,240
Speaker 1: pounds the rescue. I like that quote love is not enough.

1250
01:05:32,280 --> 01:05:34,680
Speaker 1: That could be a good title for your second book. Yeah,

1251
01:05:34,760 --> 01:05:36,880
Speaker 1: because I think a lot of people, including myself, are like,

1252
01:05:36,880 --> 01:05:39,720
Speaker 1: but I love her. Yeah, and it's like, okay, but

1253
01:05:39,760 --> 01:05:42,400
Speaker 1: that's not enough. Diesels, is what you want and what

1254
01:05:42,560 --> 01:05:44,000
Speaker 1: you need? A line?

1255
01:05:44,520 --> 01:05:49,360
Speaker 5: Yes? And is it love? You know, it's love is

1256
01:05:49,560 --> 01:05:53,880
Speaker 5: Love is definitely not enough. It's important, It's very important.

1257
01:05:54,920 --> 01:06:00,480
Speaker 5: But and and that's why people need to clarify what

1258
01:06:00,520 --> 01:06:03,240
Speaker 5: it is that they really want, what kind of relationship

1259
01:06:03,280 --> 01:06:07,320
Speaker 5: that they really want. And it's very hard to say

1260
01:06:07,320 --> 01:06:11,000
Speaker 5: goodbye to someone you love because it's just not working.

1261
01:06:12,520 --> 01:06:14,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's fucking really hard.

1262
01:06:14,280 --> 01:06:18,680
Speaker 2: Can relationship just be Can it still work as just

1263
01:06:18,720 --> 01:06:20,520
Speaker 2: a friendship though? You know what I mean?

1264
01:06:20,680 --> 01:06:21,680
Speaker 1: Like after you're in love?

1265
01:06:22,280 --> 01:06:26,840
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know, some some relationships never die, They just

1266
01:06:26,920 --> 01:06:33,520
Speaker 5: change form and they transition into friendship. Because their relationship

1267
01:06:33,760 --> 01:06:36,640
Speaker 5: was already just friendship. You know, they lost all the passion.

1268
01:06:37,320 --> 01:06:38,240
Speaker 1: Very difficult.

1269
01:06:38,320 --> 01:06:42,000
Speaker 5: You can't have you can't have complicated feelings towards each

1270
01:06:42,040 --> 01:06:44,040
Speaker 5: other and then be like, Okay, we're going to be friends.

1271
01:06:44,120 --> 01:06:46,080
Speaker 5: Typically you need some distance.

1272
01:06:46,400 --> 01:06:49,400
Speaker 1: And also when they start dating other people, it's like, yeah, it.

1273
01:06:49,320 --> 01:06:52,800
Speaker 5: Becomes really complicated. It and can become very complicated, like.

1274
01:06:52,760 --> 01:06:56,880
Speaker 2: I don't think I'm friends with anybody I dated. And

1275
01:06:56,920 --> 01:07:01,000
Speaker 2: that's a sad thing to say, but it's also a

1276
01:07:01,960 --> 01:07:06,160
Speaker 2: realistic thing to say, you know what I mean, And

1277
01:07:06,200 --> 01:07:09,200
Speaker 2: it's because it's really weird to be in a in

1278
01:07:09,400 --> 01:07:12,880
Speaker 2: such a forever how long you're into space for, but

1279
01:07:12,920 --> 01:07:15,560
Speaker 2: you're in a trust you're in a trusting space. You're

1280
01:07:15,600 --> 01:07:18,880
Speaker 2: in a you know what I mean, for a year,

1281
01:07:19,640 --> 01:07:23,800
Speaker 2: six months, two years, you break up and then all

1282
01:07:23,800 --> 01:07:26,320
Speaker 2: of a sudden, you never have a conversation with that

1283
01:07:26,360 --> 01:07:30,240
Speaker 2: person ever again, and if you do, it's it's fucking nuts,

1284
01:07:30,280 --> 01:07:32,520
Speaker 2: and it's like you don't even recognize them. You might

1285
01:07:32,560 --> 01:07:35,200
Speaker 2: not even recognize their name if somebody were to say

1286
01:07:35,200 --> 01:07:39,560
Speaker 2: it to you, you know what I mean, Like it's it's.

1287
01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:43,600
Speaker 1: I want to give you the last We'll let Jillian go,

1288
01:07:43,680 --> 01:07:47,080
Speaker 1: but I want to give her one last Jillian quote

1289
01:07:47,120 --> 01:07:51,040
Speaker 1: from your Instagram I really liked was stop romanticizing the

1290
01:07:51,120 --> 01:07:52,439
Speaker 1: person who broke your heart.

1291
01:07:52,960 --> 01:07:55,600
Speaker 5: Yes, when we when we break.

1292
01:07:55,480 --> 01:08:00,840
Speaker 1: Up, Joelle's nodding, Joelle I have said preach.

1293
01:08:03,520 --> 01:08:06,360
Speaker 2: I was like, I recognize the feeling.

1294
01:08:06,480 --> 01:08:09,240
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, but I think everyone can relate to that,

1295
01:08:09,360 --> 01:08:12,840
Speaker 1: especially after a little time passes, right and then.

1296
01:08:12,720 --> 01:08:17,200
Speaker 5: But yeah, we just tend to make out the person

1297
01:08:17,320 --> 01:08:20,639
Speaker 5: to be much much more special than they actually are.

1298
01:08:21,240 --> 01:08:23,960
Speaker 5: And that's not to put them down, but we tend

1299
01:08:24,000 --> 01:08:29,840
Speaker 5: to remember the the highlight reel instead of these are

1300
01:08:29,920 --> 01:08:33,160
Speaker 5: like the documentary. I remember someone, a therapist by the

1301
01:08:33,240 --> 01:08:39,360
Speaker 5: name of John Kim, saying that, and and then we think, oh,

1302
01:08:39,479 --> 01:08:43,880
Speaker 5: they're the one, They're perfect, I love them. It's like, really,

1303
01:08:44,760 --> 01:08:47,680
Speaker 5: or are you just attached and heartbroken? Which is a

1304
01:08:47,720 --> 01:08:52,240
Speaker 5: completely normal thing for you to experience, But we I mean,

1305
01:08:52,280 --> 01:08:56,920
Speaker 5: I see it all the time. Someone treats you in

1306
01:08:56,960 --> 01:09:00,439
Speaker 5: such a way that's actually not loving, or you really

1307
01:09:00,439 --> 01:09:04,080
Speaker 5: didn't get along, or like you really were incompatible, or

1308
01:09:04,200 --> 01:09:10,320
Speaker 5: this person had real, true, serious character defects. But your heartbroken,

1309
01:09:10,640 --> 01:09:13,200
Speaker 5: so you tend to romanticize them and think I can't

1310
01:09:13,240 --> 01:09:16,519
Speaker 5: live without this person. This person is amazing, And it's

1311
01:09:16,720 --> 01:09:19,080
Speaker 5: all the mind playing a major trick on you.

1312
01:09:20,080 --> 01:09:23,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, because it felt because you're lonesome and you're you're,

1313
01:09:23,439 --> 01:09:25,240
Speaker 1: like you said, you're only thinking of the highlight reel.

1314
01:09:25,320 --> 01:09:26,920
Speaker 1: You're not thinking of all the other shit.

1315
01:09:27,120 --> 01:09:29,360
Speaker 2: But your highlight reel is dope. Man, let's keep it

1316
01:09:29,400 --> 01:09:33,840
Speaker 2: one hundred. Oh yeah, remember fucking family ties? Did it? Bed?

1317
01:09:33,960 --> 01:09:37,080
Speaker 2: What did you think? How would do you have to?

1318
01:09:37,479 --> 01:09:39,559
Speaker 2: And he's going through the highlight reel of him and

1319
01:09:39,600 --> 01:09:42,320
Speaker 2: the girl and all the things they went through, and yeah,

1320
01:09:42,479 --> 01:09:44,599
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. The highlight reel is fire

1321
01:09:44,920 --> 01:09:46,639
Speaker 2: right center sucks.

1322
01:09:46,800 --> 01:09:50,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, the highlight reel, the highlight reel will really

1323
01:09:50,280 --> 01:09:52,879
Speaker 1: mess with your head because it's it's not accurate.

1324
01:09:53,120 --> 01:09:54,120
Speaker 5: It's not accurate.

1325
01:09:54,439 --> 01:09:56,800
Speaker 1: It's like a great movie trailer for a shitty movie.

1326
01:09:56,920 --> 01:10:00,000
Speaker 2: That's exactly what it is, exactly, exactly exactly.

1327
01:10:00,479 --> 01:10:02,800
Speaker 1: And Jillian, that's your third book, that's your third book.

1328
01:10:04,000 --> 01:10:07,800
Speaker 5: In a world, it's really true. I used to go

1329
01:10:07,840 --> 01:10:09,839
Speaker 5: to the movies and just like want to watch the trailer.

1330
01:10:09,880 --> 01:10:10,519
Speaker 5: So there you go.

1331
01:10:11,120 --> 01:10:15,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, well everybody please check out. It begins with you.

1332
01:10:15,280 --> 01:10:18,160
Speaker 1: Jillian Tareki's awesome book, and also make sure to follow

1333
01:10:18,160 --> 01:10:20,599
Speaker 1: her on Instagram. I just love it. I love all

1334
01:10:20,640 --> 01:10:23,200
Speaker 1: the things you post. Just like Joelle nodded, I find

1335
01:10:23,200 --> 01:10:26,599
Speaker 1: myself going when I when I when I read your quotes,

1336
01:10:27,240 --> 01:10:29,599
Speaker 1: and it's just really helpful. If you're if you're dating,

1337
01:10:29,760 --> 01:10:34,280
Speaker 1: if you're if you're working on relationship not just romantic relationships,

1338
01:10:34,280 --> 01:10:36,280
Speaker 1: in your in your like like we learned earlier with

1339
01:10:36,280 --> 01:10:39,880
Speaker 1: your children, with your friends. I just think everything you're

1340
01:10:39,880 --> 01:10:42,200
Speaker 1: putting out there is really really good for for the world.

1341
01:10:42,240 --> 01:10:43,040
Speaker 1: So thank you for coming.

1342
01:10:43,120 --> 01:10:46,960
Speaker 2: You're very You're very uh uh, what's the word I'm

1343
01:10:47,000 --> 01:10:50,200
Speaker 2: looking for. You give a lot on your Instagram, the

1344
01:10:50,240 --> 01:10:53,360
Speaker 2: things that you say, uh, you give a lot actually

1345
01:10:53,720 --> 01:10:56,800
Speaker 2: to your followers, and I really appreciate that as one

1346
01:10:56,840 --> 01:10:58,919
Speaker 2: of your followers. Really I appreciate.

1347
01:10:59,040 --> 01:11:01,360
Speaker 5: Thank you so much that that means a lot to me.

1348
01:11:01,520 --> 01:11:02,519
Speaker 5: Thank you for that.

1349
01:11:03,840 --> 01:11:06,320
Speaker 1: Seriously, Well, Donald, I'm going to use some of these

1350
01:11:06,320 --> 01:11:12,920
Speaker 1: tools for our relationship exactly. I mean, because I've been

1351
01:11:13,000 --> 01:11:17,439
Speaker 1: hurt by you before and uh, and I haven't communicated well,

1352
01:11:17,600 --> 01:11:19,360
Speaker 1: and I think it would have I would have benefited

1353
01:11:19,360 --> 01:11:20,360
Speaker 1: if I had the courage to.

1354
01:11:20,640 --> 01:11:22,280
Speaker 2: I feel like you're so full of ship right now,

1355
01:11:22,360 --> 01:11:24,840
Speaker 2: my friend. I to keep it one hundred with you.

1356
01:11:24,880 --> 01:11:27,719
Speaker 2: Out of everybody, I know, the one people, the people

1357
01:11:27,720 --> 01:11:34,120
Speaker 2: that you're very communicate, communic, communicative communicative with, are your friends.

1358
01:11:34,520 --> 01:11:36,439
Speaker 1: There's so many times we've gotten in arguments and I

1359
01:11:36,520 --> 01:11:38,559
Speaker 1: just go, I just go, fuck it. I'm just not

1360
01:11:38,600 --> 01:11:40,040
Speaker 1: going to talk to them, and I'll wait till I'm

1361
01:11:40,040 --> 01:11:42,240
Speaker 1: not pissed off anymore. Where I where we could have.

1362
01:11:42,240 --> 01:11:45,120
Speaker 5: Benefit, there's some value to that, though, I know, but.

1363
01:11:45,120 --> 01:11:47,559
Speaker 1: I could have I could have benefited from cooling off

1364
01:11:47,600 --> 01:11:49,120
Speaker 1: and then being like, hey, can we have a chat

1365
01:11:49,120 --> 01:11:53,880
Speaker 1: about something. This pissed me off? And yeah, but I

1366
01:11:53,920 --> 01:11:55,519
Speaker 1: don't want to let in the spirit of what we're talking

1367
01:11:55,520 --> 01:11:57,799
Speaker 1: about let too many things go, because then you get resentment.

1368
01:11:57,880 --> 01:12:00,160
Speaker 5: You know, yeah, absolutely no, no, if you let it go. Oh,

1369
01:12:00,320 --> 01:12:02,080
Speaker 5: it has to be a genuine letting go.

1370
01:12:02,479 --> 01:12:04,839
Speaker 2: He'll hit me up like, dude, you don't do nothing

1371
01:12:04,880 --> 01:12:07,320
Speaker 2: for the podcast. You need to fucking start doing one.

1372
01:12:07,320 --> 01:12:08,800
Speaker 2: And I'm like, wait a second, I think I do

1373
01:12:08,880 --> 01:12:11,200
Speaker 2: a lot. He'd be like, no, bro, I need you

1374
01:12:11,240 --> 01:12:12,120
Speaker 2: to do way more.

1375
01:12:12,280 --> 01:12:15,360
Speaker 1: Like that's me being communicative. That's good. Yeah, I love

1376
01:12:15,439 --> 01:12:18,920
Speaker 1: it as opposed to being resentful, like this motherfucker doesn't

1377
01:12:18,920 --> 01:12:19,479
Speaker 1: do ship.

1378
01:12:26,400 --> 01:12:26,439
Speaker 5: That.

1379
01:12:29,680 --> 01:12:33,160
Speaker 1: I wanted to tell you, Donald, did Timothy Chalomaye live

1380
01:12:33,160 --> 01:12:33,799
Speaker 1: in your building?

1381
01:12:34,640 --> 01:12:36,120
Speaker 2: I don't recall him.

1382
01:12:36,000 --> 01:12:38,000
Speaker 1: Because I saw him on a talk show just did

1383
01:12:38,000 --> 01:12:38,360
Speaker 1: you see that?

1384
01:12:38,400 --> 01:12:41,120
Speaker 2: Clem Manhattan? Yeah, he grew up in Manhattan Plaza. Are

1385
01:12:41,120 --> 01:12:43,679
Speaker 2: a bunch of people that lived in Manhattan Plaza after

1386
01:12:43,800 --> 01:12:46,559
Speaker 2: I left. I left in ninety or.

1387
01:12:46,520 --> 01:12:48,439
Speaker 1: Or well he's a lot younger than us. But but

1388
01:12:48,439 --> 01:12:51,400
Speaker 1: but then also the actor what's his name from from

1389
01:12:51,400 --> 01:12:51,880
Speaker 1: Sing Sing?

1390
01:12:52,439 --> 01:12:55,679
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know. I didn't know him either, lived

1391
01:12:55,680 --> 01:12:57,320
Speaker 2: there for a little bit. I don't think he lived

1392
01:12:57,320 --> 01:12:57,880
Speaker 2: there for very.

1393
01:12:57,920 --> 01:13:04,000
Speaker 1: They were on that famous English talk show what's his name, Joelle?

1394
01:13:05,880 --> 01:13:08,479
Speaker 1: I've been on it, I forgot, but they were talking

1395
01:13:08,479 --> 01:13:10,320
Speaker 1: about Manhattan Plaza and I thought of you because I

1396
01:13:10,360 --> 01:13:11,160
Speaker 1: knew you grew up there.

1397
01:13:11,320 --> 01:13:14,599
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know when I was there, Uh, there were

1398
01:13:14,680 --> 01:13:17,320
Speaker 2: other people that were you know. John Carlo Esposito is

1399
01:13:17,320 --> 01:13:19,439
Speaker 2: one of my mentors and I you know, we used

1400
01:13:19,439 --> 01:13:21,880
Speaker 2: to watch him play basketball when I was a little kid.

1401
01:13:22,680 --> 01:13:25,320
Speaker 1: A lot of people came Graham Norton, sorry Grammy, Yeah.

1402
01:13:25,479 --> 01:13:29,360
Speaker 2: Phillip Seymour Hoffman was a was a was a camp

1403
01:13:29,400 --> 01:13:33,840
Speaker 2: counselor of mine. Like, the list of people that came

1404
01:13:33,960 --> 01:13:38,719
Speaker 2: through that building, uh is incredible. And so the fact

1405
01:13:38,760 --> 01:13:43,599
Speaker 2: that Timothy was there, Timothy, however you stated, however you

1406
01:13:43,640 --> 01:13:44,679
Speaker 2: say his name?

1407
01:13:45,439 --> 01:13:45,559
Speaker 3: Uh?

1408
01:13:46,160 --> 01:13:49,840
Speaker 2: He Uh. The fact that he was there, you know,

1409
01:13:50,360 --> 01:13:53,840
Speaker 2: it doesn't surprise me because a lot of creatives have

1410
01:13:53,920 --> 01:13:54,759
Speaker 2: come out of that building.

1411
01:13:54,800 --> 01:13:56,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, and your mom still lived there.

1412
01:13:56,760 --> 01:13:59,680
Speaker 2: She does. My nephew. I asked him, I was like,

1413
01:13:59,720 --> 01:14:04,520
Speaker 2: did you know this guy? And about Timofay and Timothy?

1414
01:14:04,640 --> 01:14:05,519
Speaker 1: Why do you him?

1415
01:14:05,840 --> 01:14:09,679
Speaker 2: Timothy? Timothy? That's how we'd be saying it in the household.

1416
01:14:09,720 --> 01:14:12,479
Speaker 2: In our household, Timothy, we love this boy. I'm gonna

1417
01:14:12,520 --> 01:14:13,200
Speaker 2: keep it one hundred.

1418
01:14:13,240 --> 01:14:13,920
Speaker 1: You love Timothy.

1419
01:14:14,160 --> 01:14:17,960
Speaker 2: Oh who doesn't love some Timothy. If you don't love

1420
01:14:17,960 --> 01:14:21,280
Speaker 2: some Timidate, that's something wrong. That boy is very, very

1421
01:14:21,320 --> 01:14:25,840
Speaker 2: talented and very charismatic, and very knowledgeable on sports too.

1422
01:14:25,960 --> 01:14:29,479
Speaker 2: So you know, you know, I'm I'm a huge fan

1423
01:14:29,520 --> 01:14:29,720
Speaker 2: of his.

1424
01:14:30,160 --> 01:14:32,320
Speaker 1: Who's your pick for the Super Bowl? This will be

1425
01:14:32,439 --> 01:14:34,639
Speaker 1: this will probably be too very old, but when it

1426
01:14:34,640 --> 01:14:35,840
Speaker 1: comes out, But who's your pick for.

1427
01:14:35,800 --> 01:14:39,000
Speaker 2: The Kansas City? When's their third Super Bowl in a row?

1428
01:14:39,200 --> 01:14:41,880
Speaker 2: I think it's it's coming out of the AFC this.

1429
01:14:41,920 --> 01:14:43,599
Speaker 1: Year, Joelle, what do you think?

1430
01:14:44,240 --> 01:14:46,280
Speaker 3: I have no thoughts on the Super Bowl except I

1431
01:14:46,280 --> 01:14:48,519
Speaker 3: can't wait for this halftime show. Let's go Kendrick. We'll

1432
01:14:48,560 --> 01:14:49,120
Speaker 3: be excited.

1433
01:14:49,760 --> 01:14:52,320
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, they're not like us.

1434
01:14:52,520 --> 01:14:54,960
Speaker 2: They be hilarious if people would drake out though.

1435
01:14:58,960 --> 01:15:01,120
Speaker 1: Well that was great, Commercy Donald. I learned a lot.

1436
01:15:01,160 --> 01:15:01,760
Speaker 1: I hope you did.

1437
01:15:02,280 --> 01:15:05,120
Speaker 2: I did you know? And I think my wife learned

1438
01:15:05,160 --> 01:15:08,240
Speaker 2: a lot too, which is great. We learned a lot

1439
01:15:08,240 --> 01:15:11,719
Speaker 2: about each other, which is great. And you know, every

1440
01:15:11,720 --> 01:15:15,559
Speaker 2: time Jillian's on the show, I feel like we learned

1441
01:15:15,600 --> 01:15:19,840
Speaker 2: something not only about ourselves, but about uh, you know,

1442
01:15:20,720 --> 01:15:23,800
Speaker 2: it isn't about who we want to be, it's who

1443
01:15:23,800 --> 01:15:25,680
Speaker 2: we are, you know what I mean? Like you know

1444
01:15:26,400 --> 01:15:29,080
Speaker 2: that really, you know, you can front and pretend and

1445
01:15:29,840 --> 01:15:32,160
Speaker 2: try to be something you're not, but you're only going

1446
01:15:32,240 --> 01:15:36,200
Speaker 2: to fail at the end. It's when you are comfortable

1447
01:15:36,240 --> 01:15:39,080
Speaker 2: with who you are and have the courage or your

1448
01:15:39,160 --> 01:15:42,719
Speaker 2: person is comfortable with who they are and you both

1449
01:15:42,760 --> 01:15:46,160
Speaker 2: can accept that. It just makes for such a better relationship.

1450
01:15:46,280 --> 01:15:48,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, and have the courage to be vulnerable and say

1451
01:15:48,960 --> 01:15:52,559
Speaker 1: what you're feeling without accusing the other person. That's one

1452
01:15:52,600 --> 01:15:54,519
Speaker 1: of the things I think that's really important.

1453
01:15:54,920 --> 01:15:59,160
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I believe in love for you, still, bro, it's got.

1454
01:15:59,120 --> 01:16:02,360
Speaker 1: To have a dog now, fine, I don't need love all.

1455
01:16:02,560 --> 01:16:03,679
Speaker 2: I don't get dog flu.

1456
01:16:04,360 --> 01:16:11,479
Speaker 1: I got Joel and I are both are but we're

1457
01:16:11,479 --> 01:16:13,799
Speaker 1: both at single and in love with our pities, so that's.

1458
01:16:13,600 --> 01:16:14,040
Speaker 4: All we need.

1459
01:16:14,439 --> 01:16:15,559
Speaker 2: Don't get dog flu.

1460
01:16:16,920 --> 01:16:19,960
Speaker 1: All right, On that note, we love you guys. Thanks

1461
01:16:20,000 --> 01:16:23,759
Speaker 1: for tuning in. Five six stories I'm not Show.

1462
01:16:24,000 --> 01:16:28,200
Speaker 4: We made about a bunch of talks and nurses and

1463
01:16:30,120 --> 01:16:37,080
Speaker 4: I said he's the stories net all so YadA round here,

1464
01:16:38,080 --> 01:16:41,120
Speaker 4: yeada round here, we sho