Speaker 1: What is happening? Hello? How are you doing? You're fresh
Speaker 1: as a daisy today, Actually, I know, I feel so fresh.
Speaker 1: Showering is so annoying, you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm just so sick of of it. I know it's necessary,
Speaker 1: and of course I do it, but I don't like it,
Speaker 1: and I don't like blowing out my hair. I don't
Speaker 1: like the act of showering. It's like you kind of
Speaker 1: get uncomfortable while you're getting in and you're getting out,
Speaker 1: but you have to like do it so you can
Speaker 1: copy worm and also clean. I know. I mean, I'm
Speaker 1: just basically watching washing my Pikachu, my butt and my
Speaker 1: like under arms, and it doesn't really take that long,
Speaker 1: but it's just annoying. No one takes quicker showers than I.
Speaker 1: I did not give a fuck about that. I remember
Speaker 1: Tiffany Hattish I was once did a show of hers
Speaker 1: and she was like, why don't white girls wash their legs?
Speaker 1: And I was like, I don't know, but I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't wash my legs and she's like why, She's like,
Speaker 1: you have to wash everything. I go, I don't. I
Speaker 1: just I just feel like the soap goes down from
Speaker 1: my shampoo and my hair everything falls down. So if
Speaker 1: I've been out in public and used a public restroom,
Speaker 1: I will wash the back of my thighs. However, so
Speaker 1: I washed my butt getting dirty your legs. I washed
Speaker 1: my butt cheeks and my butt hole because my butt
Speaker 1: cheeks because I don't want to get any pimples on
Speaker 1: my butt, you know what I mean. And that's disgusting.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's not disgusting. It happens, but it is.
Speaker 1: It's not pleasant. I don't like when I look at
Speaker 1: my butt in the mirror and there's like a little
Speaker 1: red dot. I'm like, oh god, what is that? See?
Speaker 1: I try to use the natural deodorant. I'm wearing real
Speaker 1: stuff today, but I'm trying to not get Alzheimer's. But like,
Speaker 1: I find that my pitts are stinky the second I
Speaker 1: get out of the shower. I'm like, why don't even bother?
Speaker 1: They're just always stinky. I find that I only get
Speaker 1: be a well, No, my bo has definitely gotten worse
Speaker 1: as I've aged, but it's still not that bad. But
Speaker 1: I definitely get it when I drink coffee. I started
Speaker 1: sweating a meatia when I drink coffee, So I just
Speaker 1: feel like it's too much of a stimulant for me.
Speaker 1: You're just all amped up. Yeah, I am amped up.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty Yeah. I have a lot to be amped
Speaker 1: up about, namely ozempic. Ozempic. For those of you who
Speaker 1: are have been living under a rock. Everyone is on ozempic,
Speaker 1: is on this weight loss drug. I was taking semi
Speaker 1: glue tide and I had no idea that is ax empic,
Speaker 1: and I was wondering why I was nauseated for two
Speaker 1: weeks straight. But I've been giving a lot of people.
Speaker 1: I've been giving it to a lot of people. I'm
Speaker 1: like running a whole thing out of my house because
Speaker 1: people are it's like a miracle. I mean, people are sick,
Speaker 1: but they're losing. But it's like it's a diabetes drug, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1: And the side effect is it kills your appetite. But
Speaker 1: the thing is, it's just so unpleasant to be nauseous.
Speaker 1: I guess you have to find the sweet spot that
Speaker 1: doesn't make you nauseous and then slowly build it up
Speaker 1: over time incrementally. But I can't pretend that I have
Speaker 1: enough weight to lose to be on some sort of
Speaker 1: weight loss drugs, So I mean, I'm just abusing my
Speaker 1: body if I take that. I mean, like rips, You've
Speaker 1: got your Ben Bruno, like you got your muscles, I know,
Speaker 1: But imagine if this ozempic just makes me muscular, like
Speaker 1: if it's a fat burning I have to look up
Speaker 1: and see if it actually burns fat or if it
Speaker 1: just kills your appetite, because it does make you feel
Speaker 1: full faster, like I definitely when I took it, I
Speaker 1: had more control over myself. And then I lowered my
Speaker 1: dosage because I want to have an appetite. I just
Speaker 1: don't want to go nuts, you know. And then my
Speaker 1: cousin's on it, but she's taking such a small, small
Speaker 1: amount that she doesn't even feel the effects of it,
Speaker 1: and so she's like, my doctor's anantochronologists. She wants me
Speaker 1: to be very safe and we have to go very slowly.
Speaker 1: And I was like, come over to my house and
Speaker 1: I'll give you the proper dosage. So for everyone out there,
Speaker 1: talk to your doctor or come to my place and
Speaker 1: I'll inject you with semi glutade. I have an update,
Speaker 1: Chelsea from one of our collar Does anybody know that
Speaker 1: Ben Bruno, my trainer, has gotten a gage. Oh yes,
Speaker 1: I saw you got engaged to his girlfriend Nicole, who's
Speaker 1: who's called No Bread. So anybody, anybody who's gluten free
Speaker 1: or has still act disease or any of that, you
Speaker 1: should follow her because she has like a lot of
Speaker 1: great tips on how to eat without ever having anything bad. Yes,
Speaker 1: and like recipes and stuff. She's a cute eat And
Speaker 1: she also has the flattest stomach I think I've ever
Speaker 1: seen on any woman. I guess that's what happens when
Speaker 1: you don't have gluten that bloats you, right, because even
Speaker 1: when I'm my body's banging, I don't have that. I mean,
Speaker 1: I feel like everybody these days, and it feels like
Speaker 1: all the slebs Kim Kardashi and all those people. Sorry
Speaker 1: I mentioned her name, but everyone's ribs forward, like everything
Speaker 1: is about the ribs, and everyone's got these very flat stomachs.
Speaker 1: Right now, have you noticed this trend? Well, it's ozempic asshole.
Speaker 1: I told you that's the trend. Think that's what it is, Chelsea.
Speaker 1: I have an update from a collar. This is from
Speaker 1: a who wrote in on our Dan Savage episode about
Speaker 1: she and her husband had just gotten married and they
Speaker 1: were like not having sex hardly at all, So she says, hi, again,
Speaker 1: my initial letter probably lacked a lot of key details.
Speaker 1: At the time, my husband and I weren't living together
Speaker 1: and we were working completely different schedules. He's a bar
Speaker 1: tender and I work night. Not living together, Yeah, that
Speaker 1: is a big that'll kill your sex life. So we
Speaker 1: really never sought each other to have sex. When we
Speaker 1: did see each other for the one night a week
Speaker 1: we could, there was a lot of pressure on us
Speaker 1: to have sex, and pressure isn't really that sexy, which,
Speaker 1: like I hear that he was also going through a
Speaker 1: tough depression. I did take Chelsea and Dan's advice and
Speaker 1: just letting go of things and letting things happen more naturally.
Speaker 1: It was harder than I thought it would be. I
Speaker 1: had to sit with the idea that his attraction to
Speaker 1: me isn't only based on looks, but also on his
Speaker 1: mood and the larger context that seems obvious. But in
Speaker 1: order to truly let things go and happen naturally, I
Speaker 1: had to really wrestle with the idea that his not
Speaker 1: wanting sex doesn't mean there's something wrong with me or
Speaker 1: that he doesn't love me. It is of course, still
Speaker 1: a work in progress, and I'm healing from dealing with
Speaker 1: neglect and childhood. We're having significantly more sex now that
Speaker 1: we're living together, not quite as much as I would like,
Speaker 1: since we still work opposite schedule, but I'm realizing that
Speaker 1: we go through cycles in life and especially in marriage,
Speaker 1: where we're having more sex or less sex, and that's normal.
Speaker 1: I'm also realizing in talking to friends that not having
Speaker 1: that much sex in the marriage is actually quite common.
Speaker 1: I feel like we hear about husbands badgering their wives
Speaker 1: for sex all the time, but we don't hear much
Speaker 1: about wives who want more sex in their marriage. I'm
Speaker 1: sure that there are plenty of wives who are in
Speaker 1: the same position. So I hope this helps someone else
Speaker 1: to Thank you for following up, sincerely, A. I mean,
Speaker 1: I totally agree. I, for one, usually in our marriage,
Speaker 1: or at least for the first decade, I was the
Speaker 1: one who wanted more sex than he did. And it
Speaker 1: changes changes from months to month, it changes from year
Speaker 1: to year. Sometimes you're gonna have like tons of sex
Speaker 1: or maybe more sporadic sex, but it might be even
Speaker 1: better sex. But why were they fucking living together as
Speaker 1: a married couple. I don't understand that. My guess is
Speaker 1: probably like work related, work related. I don't know what
Speaker 1: did that mean? She left that information out. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: a pretty crucial piece of information, So please include all
Speaker 1: the details when you're right againsto teer Chelsea. Okay, we
Speaker 1: take this ship really seriously. Yes, but also make your
Speaker 1: emails brief please. Yeah, yeah, exactly, yet to be succinct.
Speaker 1: And yeah, with all of the details. Listen, I love
Speaker 1: bullet points, if you send me something with bullet points.
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to think about all the sex I've
Speaker 1: had in my life and when there was ever like
Speaker 1: a deficit of sex. Yeah, well, I mean when I
Speaker 1: was in a relationship, I guess because I've never been married,
Speaker 1: you know, but some men become unfuckable within the relationship,
Speaker 1: like they do something that is a turn off, you know.
Speaker 1: Like I remember a long a relationship a long time
Speaker 1: ago that I was in and we lived together. There
Speaker 1: was like a period towards the end where he just
Speaker 1: was so needy, so needy that it was not sexy.
Speaker 1: And then I would just pretend that I had a
Speaker 1: east infection, like almost every week to get out of
Speaker 1: sucking him and I would just be like, I have
Speaker 1: another yeast infection, I have this. I mean, I would
Speaker 1: have used COVID had it been before that, before COVID.
Speaker 1: But that's another great way to get out of sex
Speaker 1: in the beginning. It's always great, it's always fun. And
Speaker 1: obviously that honeymoon period doesn't last. I guess I don't
Speaker 1: know how long it lasts for I think it's like
Speaker 1: a year, yeah, because it's gonna be different for everybody. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And when people do stuff like I just wish men
Speaker 1: were aware of the behavior and women of the behavior
Speaker 1: that makes us not want to have sex with you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like really jealous behaviors a turn off, really needy behavior,
Speaker 1: Like I don't know, does anyone like a needy guy?
Speaker 1: I don't think so. And it's just it's so obvious
Speaker 1: when you see it. You see the end of the
Speaker 1: relationship when someone starts becoming needy and like, oh, like
Speaker 1: don't go somewhere without me or don't do this. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like you see the end in sight. Just because
Speaker 1: it just drives someone away. You just have to like,
Speaker 1: even if you don't feel it inside, you just gotta
Speaker 1: be like cock sure, like I'll be here, you do
Speaker 1: your thing. I'm great. Yeah, I think when you hold
Speaker 1: onto something too tight, you're always gonna lose it. So
Speaker 1: that's the lesson of the day. Yes, I've been meaning
Speaker 1: to tell you that you're gonna have to get rid
Speaker 1: of your social media accounts because we're going to combine
Speaker 1: ours because you're not allowed to have your own anymore.
Speaker 1: So I've been meaning to tell you. I've been meaning
Speaker 1: to let you know what I'm what I'm about to do. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a death knell when you see somebody who's like
Speaker 1: the couple's name is the Facebook account or Instagram account,
Speaker 1: you're like controlling Chelsea. I have a question from one
Speaker 1: of our listeners that's kind of about voting, and I
Speaker 1: know you've been posting a ton about that lately. Yes, guys, voting.
Speaker 1: You can vote early and the last day of voting
Speaker 1: is November eight. If you are not registered to vote,
Speaker 1: you can still register to vote. It is really really
Speaker 1: important to be voting, guys. It's complicated and it's a
Speaker 1: pain in the ass, and it's worth it. Awesome. So specifically,
Speaker 1: Tom says, dear Chelsea, I just want to start out
Speaker 1: by saying I love your podcast. I listened to it
Speaker 1: every week during my six hour drive to Berkeley from
Speaker 1: Fort Irwin, California to visit my husband. I'm a tw
Speaker 1: the eight year old white gay guy in the army,
Speaker 1: finishing up almost seven years, and I'm trying to be
Speaker 1: a more responsible voter. I've gotten my past two ballots,
Speaker 1: like most military people, absentee. Coming from a conservative household,
Speaker 1: I was definitely brainwashed in my younger years into that mentality,
Speaker 1: which obviously goes against my liberal and progressive ideals. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to vote more responsibly, but I find it difficult
Speaker 1: to find information on local candidates and smaller races so
Speaker 1: I know who to vote for. Do you know if
Speaker 1: any good tools to find out more about people up
Speaker 1: for election? Ballot PDA seems to be the biggest one,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't tell me anything on that person's voting
Speaker 1: history and stuff like that. Thank you very respectfully, Tom Well,
Speaker 1: Hi Tom Good questions, because, Yeah, there are a lot
Speaker 1: of cheat sheets you can use, Like for instance, I
Speaker 1: used the l A Times cheat sheep. There were a
Speaker 1: couple of votes I didn't agree with that the l
Speaker 1: Times had, so I used a progressive cheat sheet too.
Speaker 1: There's some progressive outlet. But if you go to that candidate,
Speaker 1: if you're deciding between two candidates, you can go to
Speaker 1: that candidate's website and they should have a history of
Speaker 1: everything that they voted on. If they do not have
Speaker 1: a history of what they voted on, it's public information.
Speaker 1: You just have to dig a little deeper and like
Speaker 1: probably go to the state legislation for California and find
Speaker 1: out which candidates you know voted for what. But for
Speaker 1: anyone in the country, you have to find your progressive
Speaker 1: liberal cheat sheet. They can't do that. Set support, Yeah,
Speaker 1: like a voter's guide, and those are easily attained because
Speaker 1: when I looked it up, like five came up and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I picked the top two that
Speaker 1: I know about. Because there's just too many measures on
Speaker 1: every ballot and the wording is can be very confusing,
Speaker 1: so they can kind of like, depending on which state
Speaker 1: you live in, they can trick you into voting for
Speaker 1: something that you really don't want to be voting for. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Another recommendation that a friend of mine actually gave me
Speaker 1: was to go to a local chapter of an organization
Speaker 1: that you know, share beliefs with. Maybe it's like white
Speaker 1: people for Black Lives or whatever it is, and ask
Speaker 1: them specifically about people in your area. And for those
Speaker 1: local elections. Yeah, and for this elections specifically, it would
Speaker 1: probably be any candidate that is pro you know, writes
Speaker 1: abortion rights. I think that is probably the most important
Speaker 1: issue on the ballot right now. And go vote. Yep,
Speaker 1: fucking vote people. You can look if someone votes. If
Speaker 1: I ever meet a man that wants to have sex
Speaker 1: with me again that doesn't vote, it's not happening. Just
Speaker 1: know that because I know there's a ton of straight
Speaker 1: men listening. Oh you guys, I'm performing this weekend in
Speaker 1: Tucson Saturday night and uh Colorado Springs, Colorado Sunday night. Yes,
Speaker 1: tickets are still available for both shows. So bye some
Speaker 1: okay bye. I'm excited about our guest today because I
Speaker 1: haven't spoken to her in a long time and she's
Speaker 1: a great actress. She's beautiful. I love watching her and
Speaker 1: her lover and their baby. You can see how much
Speaker 1: motherhood has changed her if you follow her on Instagram.
Speaker 1: She has a new book coming out, a baby book
Speaker 1: called A Name from the Sky, and she's a new
Speaker 1: move called Marlow that's also coming out. So say Hello
Speaker 1: to Diane Krueger. Hi, Hi alright, baby cakes, Hi are you?
Speaker 1: Oh my god? I love you. I'm so happy to
Speaker 1: see that beautiful face. Tom me too. It's been so long.
Speaker 1: I know, I haven't seen you since when I was
Speaker 1: last time I saw you. Let me think, let me
Speaker 1: jog my memory. I feel like I always see you
Speaker 1: at Vanity Fair every year, or at the Chateau Marmont.
Speaker 1: I think we were once having a conversation at the
Speaker 1: Chateau Marmont, bitching about our respective boyfriends at the time.
Speaker 1: It's very like, where are you. I am in New
Speaker 1: York right now. I want to tell you that I
Speaker 1: follow you on Instagram and I have been so moved
Speaker 1: by you having a baby and your reaction and just
Speaker 1: how I can feel the love that you have for
Speaker 1: being a mother and being in like a great healthy
Speaker 1: relationship and watching you with your daughter. It's just so sweet.
Speaker 1: It's really heartwarming. And I don't really appreciate children, so
Speaker 1: that's saying a lot well coming from you. Then, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, Chelsea, it's like it's I never thought I
Speaker 1: wanted kids to be honest. For a long time, I
Speaker 1: didn't think so. And Nova was a surprise, and it's
Speaker 1: just so amazing how life can be. She came at
Speaker 1: the least expected but yet most wanted time in my life.
Speaker 1: Really changed my life in the best possible way. That's sweet.
Speaker 1: So you weren't planning on having a baby. I didn't
Speaker 1: know that. Yeah, no, I mean, you know, it's it
Speaker 1: crossed my mind, and then you know, I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's it's done. I'm too old, you know, it's not
Speaker 1: going to happen. And it did. Well good. I'm glad
Speaker 1: that it happened for you, because I you you also
Speaker 1: just wrote a children's book based on probably becoming a mother,
Speaker 1: I would presume, right, Well, the book is a little
Speaker 1: bit about my childhood. So what happened was I was
Speaker 1: in l A working and my mom from Germany was
Speaker 1: in town to help me with Nova, and she was
Speaker 1: both one, and you know, the world shut down and
Speaker 1: weeks turned into months, and I hadn't spent this much
Speaker 1: time with my mom since I was probably sixteen, because
Speaker 1: I moved out so young, and so we you know,
Speaker 1: started talking about my childhood and stuff I had forgotten
Speaker 1: and remembered fondly with her, and I remember that she
Speaker 1: told me the meaning of my name because I was
Speaker 1: really teased for my name, which seems incordible because it's Diane.
Speaker 1: It's not that unusual, but where I'm from, it was.
Speaker 1: And she really did change my life because it made
Speaker 1: she made me feel special. And I'm named after Diane,
Speaker 1: the goddess of Hunt. And I was a very odd kid.
Speaker 1: I didn't have many friends. My best friend was my
Speaker 1: pet bunny Benny, who was a real buddy who would
Speaker 1: come to school with me on a leash every day,
Speaker 1: and so kids thought I was crazy. And I loved
Speaker 1: to read, and my best friends with the characters in
Speaker 1: my books. So I felt very unseen. And she changed
Speaker 1: my life that way by explaining to you the meaning
Speaker 1: of your name. Yeah, I just felt like, what could
Speaker 1: be so special about me? You know, a little for me?
Speaker 1: Could I be ever im as powerful as this god is?
Speaker 1: And could my life have a destiny in a way
Speaker 1: that was different and special? And so when you know
Speaker 1: Nova was born, I remember we were thinking so hard
Speaker 1: about how to name her, and I just started writing
Speaker 1: it down and that's kind of how it happened. I
Speaker 1: found an editor, and I mean it's been two years
Speaker 1: in the making. Wow, So how is your relationship changed
Speaker 1: with your own mom. Since you've had a child, has
Speaker 1: it changed, It's changed a lot. I finally understand I'm
Speaker 1: conditional love. You know. I think I moved out very young.
Speaker 1: I had a very complicated situation, family situation at home,
Speaker 1: so my mom kind of lost out of all the
Speaker 1: good years. I guess you get with your daughter, you know,
Speaker 1: when you become friends and things are not so hard anymore.
Speaker 1: And you know, I never really came home after I
Speaker 1: moved out, and so my daughter brought us back together
Speaker 1: because I I didn't know that my mom would step
Speaker 1: up as such a great grand parent. You know, she
Speaker 1: really is here when I need her. It makes me
Speaker 1: feel so much better about going to work, you know,
Speaker 1: not having her being raised by nanny's when I'm away,
Speaker 1: and just seeing her kindness. It's just really been a
Speaker 1: watership moment for me. Um. You know, we still have
Speaker 1: our differences, of course, but I find myself to be
Speaker 1: much kinder these days. Yeah. Yeah, So when you moved
Speaker 1: at sixteen, where did you go Paris to start modeling,
Speaker 1: acting exactly modeling Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, and then New
Speaker 1: York at eighteen, and you know, back and forth, so
Speaker 1: you speak French, German, English, anything else. No, that's it.
Speaker 1: And are you teaching your daughter? Are do you? You
Speaker 1: speak to her in French and German as well? Not
Speaker 1: so much in French, even though you know, we live
Speaker 1: in Paris right now for a year as a family,
Speaker 1: just for work reasons, and she's going to school there
Speaker 1: as well, French English bilingual school, and she's going to
Speaker 1: a German school once a week, so hopefully she'll get it.
Speaker 1: Oh cute, I love that. Yeah, I know. I've been
Speaker 1: trying to learn Spanish for about seven years, so I
Speaker 1: mean the real key ingredient to everybody is to fucking
Speaker 1: learn it as a baby so you don't have to
Speaker 1: learn it as an adult because we should all know
Speaker 1: multiple languages. And I'm sick of my I have my
Speaker 1: first Spanish class tomorrow. By the way, I'm really she
Speaker 1: does pretty well. I came back from Spain. We were
Speaker 1: in my Orca for a month. That I came back.
Speaker 1: I told my housekeeper, I'm like, listen, don't speak anything
Speaker 1: but Spanish. We're only speaking Spanish from now and I
Speaker 1: need to level up. And I mean it's really limiting her. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I haven't understand the word. She's said since our return,
Speaker 1: so it's really limiting our conversation. But also talk to
Speaker 1: me about you and Norman. You're not married, right, No,
Speaker 1: not yet? You got engaged. Oh you did? Congratulations, Thank you.
Speaker 1: He's a cute I love Norman. I met him once,
Speaker 1: I did an interview with him, and I liked him
Speaker 1: a lot. So I was very happy to find out
Speaker 1: about you guys getting together because you seem like a
Speaker 1: great hair and I know that you've been in you
Speaker 1: had a lot, a couple of relationships prior to that
Speaker 1: and longer ones. So talk to us a little bit
Speaker 1: about how you're life has changed by being in this
Speaker 1: relationship and how you know you've grown. You know, I
Speaker 1: think that I'm much more my own person. I don't
Speaker 1: tend to I mean, that might sound really dark, but
Speaker 1: you know, I hope things will work out with Norman,
Speaker 1: will always be together, but I've kind of grown into
Speaker 1: being more independent, you know, being hopefully actually a better partner,
Speaker 1: you know, where I let him do his thing, support
Speaker 1: him and what he wants to do, but reserve the
Speaker 1: rights that I want the same for myself. And I'm
Speaker 1: trying to really live the life of a good family
Speaker 1: where we model to our child that it's okay to
Speaker 1: be absent, it's okay to work, but it's the most
Speaker 1: important thing is to be a family and uphold those traditions.
Speaker 1: And I really want to show up and I need
Speaker 1: him to show up, you know. Yeah. I I feel
Speaker 1: like as we get how old are you, Diane, and
Speaker 1: oh you are okay, we're almost the same age on
Speaker 1: forty seven. I feel like as we get into our forties,
Speaker 1: you hear that a lot, that you come into your
Speaker 1: own and off. But it's like very true about the
Speaker 1: maturity level that used to be a dirty word to me.
Speaker 1: Like when people said, you know, you have to be
Speaker 1: more mature, grow up, I'd be like, I don't ever
Speaker 1: want to grow up. I always want to be like this,
Speaker 1: you know. I want to be like crazy and and
Speaker 1: and spontaneous. And I kind of confused what mature is,
Speaker 1: you know. And now that I'm at this age, it's
Speaker 1: so nice to handle things with a level of maturation.
Speaker 1: Sometimes in many instances for the first time, even ending
Speaker 1: relationships or having difficult conversations are just so much more
Speaker 1: mature and less dramatic because yes, yes, like the drama
Speaker 1: and the thirst for drama that I experienced when I
Speaker 1: was younger. I always regretted it. I always regretted the
Speaker 1: way I would handle things or end things, whether it
Speaker 1: be a romantic relationship or a friendship. And there's a
Speaker 1: very calm, knowing nous that comes after forty especially after
Speaker 1: forty five, And I can't wait to see what happens
Speaker 1: because I don't really want to get any more mature
Speaker 1: than this. You know what I mean this, I feel
Speaker 1: them in my sweet spot and that I have accountability
Speaker 1: and I can listen to differing opinions and then actually
Speaker 1: be like oh, instead of being fixed on my opinion,
Speaker 1: Whereas I was like that in my thirties. I thought
Speaker 1: I knew everything and you couldn't tell me differently. I
Speaker 1: like the idea of being able to change your opinions
Speaker 1: now I agree. I mean, there are things I don't
Speaker 1: know about you, but I accepted a lot of things
Speaker 1: in previous relationships that I just wouldn't anymore. Not because
Speaker 1: they they were bad people, whatever. They make me do
Speaker 1: things that I didn't want to do, But I just
Speaker 1: know I'm not going to be happy with certain criterias.
Speaker 1: I'm not meant, you know what I'm saying. So I
Speaker 1: won't settle for less if that makes sense. Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: that's how I feel too. It's like there's a level
Speaker 1: of standard, you know, like there's a standard now that
Speaker 1: you have to be above that line. And it's nice
Speaker 1: to know that about yourself without questioning it. Like I
Speaker 1: remember being in my thirties always asking everybody about their
Speaker 1: opinion about everything, and now I just ask few and
Speaker 1: fewer people because I don't care what everybody thinks. It's like,
Speaker 1: you know what you think, and you know what your
Speaker 1: opinions are. You ask yourself. Yeah, and there's a nice
Speaker 1: that's a great feeling as a woman to be like, no,
Speaker 1: I know what the right thing to do here is
Speaker 1: and not relying on other people for their interference anyway. Okay,
Speaker 1: so we're gonna we're taking calls people zoom in. They
Speaker 1: ask us really fucking serious questions. So get ready to Diane. Okay,
Speaker 1: we're giving them life advice. Oh oh god. All right,
Speaker 1: Before we do that, we're gonna take a really quick break,
Speaker 1: and we're gonna take a quick break and we're gonna
Speaker 1: be right back and we're back fantastic. Well, we're back
Speaker 1: with Chelsea and Diane Krueger. This first email actually fits
Speaker 1: right in with what you were talking about just now.
Speaker 1: So this first email comes from tired Mama. You're Chelsea.
Speaker 1: I'm a mom of two young boys and also work
Speaker 1: a full time job as a heavy equipment operator. I'm
Speaker 1: a shift worker, which means I work days and nights
Speaker 1: twelve hour shifts and often work overtime. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: get ahead financially and contribute to providing for my family.
Speaker 1: My husband works full time as well the same schedule
Speaker 1: and also has done his fair share of overtime while
Speaker 1: I was on maternity leave. My issue is I often
Speaker 1: feel guilty taking time for myself in regards to self care, massage, chiropractic, acupuncture,
Speaker 1: and yoga because I'm working so much, so in doing
Speaker 1: any of those things, I have less time available to
Speaker 1: spend with my kids. After every shift, my body aches.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, yet I forced myself to work more overtime.
Speaker 1: My husband has made comments in the past about me,
Speaker 1: quote not making my kids a priority. When I had
Speaker 1: a babysitter lined up so I could play softball, I
Speaker 1: was only able to make it three games last summer.
Speaker 1: I'm not allowed to mention anything about my hobbies or
Speaker 1: passions because I just don't have time to pursue them.
Speaker 1: I can't even say anything negative about my husband, as
Speaker 1: he's a great dad and rarely takes any time for
Speaker 1: himself either. He believes that work is the only time
Speaker 1: he can handle being away from his kids and wants
Speaker 1: to spend all of his free time with them. It's
Speaker 1: one of the things that I love most about him,
Speaker 1: but it's also causing tension and resentment in our relationship.
Speaker 1: How do I go about creating a healthy work life
Speaker 1: balance that won't give me major mom guilt? Signed another
Speaker 1: tired guilty mama. Oh, it's so hard to be a
Speaker 1: parent so much work? Well, that sounds tough. I mean
Speaker 1: it is tough and the best of times, and that
Speaker 1: sounds like a really tough situation. Yeah, I would say,
Speaker 1: first of all, just because he wants to be with
Speaker 1: his kids all the time, that's great. Obviously, that's a
Speaker 1: great quality. But you're not the same person, and you
Speaker 1: have different brains and different genetic makeups and different needs
Speaker 1: and different wants. And if you sit down and explain
Speaker 1: to him that and that this will help you be
Speaker 1: a better parent at home, It's like putting that oxygen
Speaker 1: mask on yourself before you put it on anyone else.
Speaker 1: It's like, you have to take care of yourself, especially
Speaker 1: when you're working at like you know, manual label. Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: Like that's not easy on your body. So it's not
Speaker 1: even just for that, it's for your own health and
Speaker 1: longevity an ability to work those extra hours. And I
Speaker 1: know that you said that you need the money and
Speaker 1: and it's a financial situation. But if there's any chance
Speaker 1: that you don't have to work extra hard, like, please don't.
Speaker 1: I understand if you need to do it, you've got
Speaker 1: to do it, but if you don't, it's like that's
Speaker 1: giving yourself the gift of time as well. Everybody needs
Speaker 1: to recuperate and rest from whatever they do. So I
Speaker 1: would really advise sitting down with your husband and just
Speaker 1: laying it all out. Please don't make me feel guilty
Speaker 1: for taking care of myself and explain, you know, in
Speaker 1: the sweetest way, like what this job does to you physically,
Speaker 1: and figure out a solution between the two of you
Speaker 1: that it feels like a compromise because it can't just
Speaker 1: be black or white, like you've got to have a
Speaker 1: little bit you know, He's got to give you something
Speaker 1: that you can do in your spare time to kind
Speaker 1: of recoup, whether it's a massage or you go and
Speaker 1: play softball or whatever. Yeah, I think in this case,
Speaker 1: it would come down to having a conversation with your
Speaker 1: husband about this is what I need from this relationship
Speaker 1: and this family, and this is what you need and
Speaker 1: want from this relationship. So as partners, how can we decide, Okay,
Speaker 1: this X amount of time per week you a lot
Speaker 1: from my self care. Whatever I want to do in
Speaker 1: that time doesn't matter if I want to go softball
Speaker 1: or I want to go to take a massage, but
Speaker 1: these two hours per week with three hours per week
Speaker 1: are for me, and then decide which ones are for
Speaker 1: him so that he doesn't feel guilty, right, so, and
Speaker 1: then stick to that. But there's really I totally get
Speaker 1: where she's coming from, that guilt. I mean, I feel
Speaker 1: it when I'm making a movie and it's you know,
Speaker 1: fourteen hour days and I don't see her for you know,
Speaker 1: and I'm double shifting and she's crying. It's it's it's tough,
Speaker 1: But partnership is really maybe she has family, maybe a
Speaker 1: family to help out every once in a long you know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I love that you said that you have your mom
Speaker 1: come and help with Nova, and that she's a resource
Speaker 1: for you and having her have that extra time with
Speaker 1: her Grandma's probably amazing. And the other thing I would
Speaker 1: say is, you know, if there's not family in the
Speaker 1: area and you can't afford a babysitter, find a friend
Speaker 1: who's got kids around the same age and do that
Speaker 1: for a each other. So you know, Tuesdays will watch
Speaker 1: your kids for a few hours. Thursdays you watch our
Speaker 1: kids for a few hours, so you have that time.
Speaker 1: And the other thing too, is you do need time
Speaker 1: to reconnect with your husband. Like, if you guys are
Speaker 1: going to have a partnership that can withstand raising kids
Speaker 1: and long hours and all that stuff, you have to
Speaker 1: set aside a little bit of time for each other
Speaker 1: as well, even if it's just a little bit each
Speaker 1: week or you know, a small amount of time every night. Yeah. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: I mean, this isn't a huge problem. It's just something
Speaker 1: that you should It's actually a good way to like
Speaker 1: practice problem solving within your marriage when things come up,
Speaker 1: because your husband sounds awesome and there's no way when
Speaker 1: you talk to him in a real way about how
Speaker 1: you're feeling. That he won't be responsive to that. You know,
Speaker 1: he just has to hear it more specifically from you
Speaker 1: in a more measured kind of way, without the children around,
Speaker 1: without any distractions. So yes, have that conversation, and yes,
Speaker 1: and we wish you well and please keep us posted. Yes.
Speaker 1: Our next question comes from Paul Att. She'sa is dear Chelsea.
Speaker 1: I met my husband almost nine years ago at a
Speaker 1: work conference. We met, fell in love, and I moved
Speaker 1: to Quebec to become a stepmom and we married all
Speaker 1: another two years now. We have eighteen year old twins
Speaker 1: and a twenty year old, all living at home two
Speaker 1: weeks on, two weeks off and not pulling their weight.
Speaker 1: The oldest is working and going to school. The twins
Speaker 1: are working but not going to school. Their bond with
Speaker 1: their dad is tight and they prefer to be at
Speaker 1: our house all the time. I understand because we live
Speaker 1: on the water with all the water sports toys available
Speaker 1: to them. But I'm a fifty three year old woman
Speaker 1: who was raised apart from my siblings, have never had
Speaker 1: a roommate and lived most of my adult life alone
Speaker 1: in my own house. Moving to Quebec, I was thrust
Speaker 1: into disorder and immediately put on the hat of a stepmom,
Speaker 1: a short order chef, cleaning lady, laundress, taxi driver, et cetera.
Speaker 1: At first it was new and I had the energy
Speaker 1: for it. But now, as a step parent of adult kids,
Speaker 1: I want my clean, orderly alone time at least a
Speaker 1: couple of days a week. My husband doesn't understand or agree.
Speaker 1: Am I being unreasonable? Thank you for your time, paul At.
Speaker 1: I think the theme today is women need to be alone.
Speaker 1: You need alone time. Why don't you guys get about this?
Speaker 1: And when we were having our our pre interview, call
Speaker 1: poor paul At like she's she was outside taking some
Speaker 1: time to have this conversation with me, and literally in
Speaker 1: the span of five minutes she got interrupted like three times.
Speaker 1: I was like, you're not It's true, Hi, Paulat, Hi, Hi, Hi,
Speaker 1: Thanks for having me. Yeah, our pleasure. Diane is our
Speaker 1: special guest today. So wait, wait, wait, she she's actually
Speaker 1: a mother. Actually, Diane, you go first, being that you
Speaker 1: are the only mother in this room besides Paula. Well listen,
Speaker 1: I'm I don't consider herself a step mom, but my
Speaker 1: better half has a twenty three year old. He doesn't
Speaker 1: live with us, But I would say, and this is
Speaker 1: just me, so call me mean spirited, but I one
Speaker 1: agree with you. It is your house, it is your rules.
Speaker 1: I think if you do suck it up and you
Speaker 1: are an excellent mom to these kids or your stepmom
Speaker 1: taking them to work or whatever they're doing, they and
Speaker 1: twenty they need to clean their ship up. Are you
Speaker 1: teaching my four year old to clean up one? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I don't think that it gets in the easier. I
Speaker 1: think that with my husband's kids, they were a lot
Speaker 1: better when they were younger, like listening and cleaning up
Speaker 1: and stuff, and they've kind of gotten to the point
Speaker 1: where they know everything, you know, and so even though
Speaker 1: they want to be treated like adults, they don't necessarily
Speaker 1: want to, like, you know, pay for them on house
Speaker 1: paper or clothes, you know, stuff like that. So it's
Speaker 1: kind of what's your husband's take on the situation. My husband,
Speaker 1: he's very giving, He's a very very he's a giver.
Speaker 1: He would just keep on giving, giving, giving. I believe
Speaker 1: I think that he pulls back because he sees how
Speaker 1: it text me. So he's he is being a little
Speaker 1: bit respectful. There's a lot of times where he's like,
Speaker 1: what's the big deal? You know, But it's a big
Speaker 1: deal because it affects me inside. It affects me how
Speaker 1: my you know, how my days go. And so I
Speaker 1: guess I I kind of feel a little bit. I'm
Speaker 1: a little bit desserting of the children and there development
Speaker 1: because I do need that alone time. So I don't
Speaker 1: know how it affects them, and I'm kind of concerned
Speaker 1: with that too. Well, you have you had a conversation
Speaker 1: with your husband about this. I have, But there goes
Speaker 1: a long period time where he's very understanding and then
Speaker 1: something happens, Like the most recent thing is my husband
Speaker 1: he his oldest son wanted to have his girlfriends spending
Speaker 1: the night. They've been dating together for a couple of months,
Speaker 1: and I said, you know, I wasn't really ready for that.
Speaker 1: He hasn't really been participating in the house. You know,
Speaker 1: let's have a game plan, let's not do that, let's
Speaker 1: not agree to this now. And then the son helps
Speaker 1: him out with a couple of things around the house,
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, you know, it just
Speaker 1: changes and he's like, oh yeah, so, by the way,
Speaker 1: the girlfriend is spending night tonight I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: he's got to talk to you about that stuff. But
Speaker 1: that's not almost like inviting another roommate. Yeah and yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's not going to happen. No. But also that's
Speaker 1: not a good partner, right, he can't make those decisions
Speaker 1: without you. I think you can only be in a
Speaker 1: partnership if you get from it what you need, right.
Speaker 1: And he I understand that he wants to be a
Speaker 1: good dad, and he's you know, he's the father of
Speaker 1: these children, so I'm sure there's guilt of having a
Speaker 1: divorce and whatever else is going on in his head
Speaker 1: and being wanting to be a fun dad and all
Speaker 1: that stuff. I would suggest writing down your needs and
Speaker 1: an ideal world what needs to happen. And then even
Speaker 1: if you want to write a dog is sometimes they
Speaker 1: feel like emails or like a written thing is easier
Speaker 1: to digest than talking face to face at first, right,
Speaker 1: because you don't have an emotion, you don't have to
Speaker 1: react to it with the other person. And then one
Speaker 1: solution I could already see is that you say to him, Okay,
Speaker 1: like one day a week, two days a week, I
Speaker 1: really need my alone time, So I need you, I
Speaker 1: need you to schedule time with your children, take them
Speaker 1: to the park, take them to I don't know, in
Speaker 1: the city, movies, whatever. But I need the house for
Speaker 1: myself from eight to six. I don't need see any
Speaker 1: of you. And then you know, he needs to do
Speaker 1: that to make you happy, because otherwise, I mean, that's
Speaker 1: not fair on you. It's not a partnership. Yeah, I agree, Paula.
Speaker 1: You had also mentioned there's a bit of a language
Speaker 1: barrier because the kids are friends speaking and you're in right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: so they're they're English is a lot better now since
Speaker 1: you know, I've known them for like eight years, but
Speaker 1: my French is not as good. But there is still that.
Speaker 1: So I think that kind of affected that the beginning
Speaker 1: or the forming of the relationship because they wouldn't come
Speaker 1: to me for a lot of things. You know, um,
Speaker 1: they would come to me where's my dad? But that
Speaker 1: was kind about it. So yeah, that's definitely, well, that's
Speaker 1: the perfect you can use that as a scapegoat, like
Speaker 1: obviously we've got our signals crossed here. I agree with Diane.
Speaker 1: I always think it's better to write something down before
Speaker 1: you say it. But I think a good family meeting
Speaker 1: is in order because people respect boundaries. They don't like
Speaker 1: it hearing it at first, but ultimately it's proven that
Speaker 1: people understand. Once you've set a boundary, people understand that
Speaker 1: they need to respect that, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: And then that instills more respect in them. And you
Speaker 1: can say it like you know that it was a
Speaker 1: language barrier, and maybe you didn't make yourself clear, but
Speaker 1: there's no reason they shouldn't be cleaning up after themselves
Speaker 1: in your house. There's no reason. I had in a
Speaker 1: situation like that with my family and all my nieces
Speaker 1: and nephews one summer, and I had to write the
Speaker 1: whole family a letter about what the normal things to
Speaker 1: do and respectful things to do as teenagers, Like you
Speaker 1: don't get to leave your dishes out, you don't get
Speaker 1: to leave your laundry out. You're not their cleaning lady.
Speaker 1: You're their stepmother, and you're a human being who needs
Speaker 1: her own space. And you know you didn't have children.
Speaker 1: You're happy to have these people in your life and
Speaker 1: you love them, I'm sure, but this was a situation
Speaker 1: that you came into. So to have them think about
Speaker 1: that and understand that a little bit better, and that
Speaker 1: you're an individual who needs your own private situation going
Speaker 1: on and you're alone time, thank you. I also think
Speaker 1: like there might be a conversation about what age is
Speaker 1: the right age to start paying rent, and maybe that
Speaker 1: rent just goes towards a cleaning lady who comes once
Speaker 1: week and I can clean up after their messes. But
Speaker 1: I also find if moving out as kind of the
Speaker 1: goal at some point, eventually charging a twentysomething rent is
Speaker 1: a good way to help them move that direction strategy. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's hard. And then you know, one of the when
Speaker 1: the sense, they'll send us like a picture of a
Speaker 1: bike that he wants to buy, and I'm like, three
Speaker 1: months rent right there? What are you doing? So did
Speaker 1: you say the twenty year old lives with you? Two?
Speaker 1: All three of them? Oh yeah, yeah, they should trans
Speaker 1: start transitioning out of that. But that's something you can
Speaker 1: talk to with your husband for you bring that up,
Speaker 1: because let's ease into this conversation so that you get
Speaker 1: good results, right, so that they're responsive, because who can
Speaker 1: argue with a conversation about cleaning up after yourself. It's
Speaker 1: not a really arguable vantage point, you know, right, And
Speaker 1: I love the idea of you know, as Diane said,
Speaker 1: like writing down those dates and times like this is
Speaker 1: when I have the house to myself, you guys go
Speaker 1: out and like that's a non negotiable. Yeah. I like
Speaker 1: that because it gives me a control about too. I
Speaker 1: think that that's a lot of what I'm missing, is
Speaker 1: like some kind of control in my life, and to
Speaker 1: be able to expect when you're going to have the
Speaker 1: house to yourself, you know, setting that expectation of like, okay,
Speaker 1: this is my time exactly. Well, thank you, Yeah, thanks
Speaker 1: for calling in, Paula. Good luck with everything. Thanks, I
Speaker 1: appreciate it. Have a great line to take care. Bye. Thanks,
Speaker 1: I an bye. I wouldn't be down with any eighteen
Speaker 1: year olds living with me under any circumstance. They could visit,
Speaker 1: and that's an even visiting can't go on forever, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. I'm not down with that, like ongoing.
Speaker 1: I love being alone. I can't even tell you. I
Speaker 1: mean I can. I could go on and on about it.
Speaker 1: It's just so nice. I just love sleeping alone, you know.
Speaker 1: I mean not that I would do I do I do.
Speaker 1: I mean only just because I'm fresh out of a
Speaker 1: relationship where I slept with somebody every night, and I
Speaker 1: like my dogs in my bed, and I like to
Speaker 1: like I just like I like to be alone in bed.
Speaker 1: You're a good sleeper too, and I love sleeping. I
Speaker 1: fucking love to sleep. I mean I could sleep for
Speaker 1: like ten hours. So yeah, yeah, that is a problem.
Speaker 1: It is definitely the ongoing dispute in our family too,
Speaker 1: because I like to go to bed early because I
Speaker 1: have to get up early, and my better half does not,
Speaker 1: so he's a night owl. Yeah, and he doesn't get
Speaker 1: up to to go to school. I do you know
Speaker 1: what time do you like to go to bed, Diane?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, if I could, I'm not kidding, you know.
Speaker 1: She's in bed by nine. I'm sucking exhausted. I'd like,
Speaker 1: I'd like wanted down half a bottle of wine and
Speaker 1: just pass out. Oh yeah, yeah, I'm with you, and
Speaker 1: I don't have a baby, so I can't even imagine
Speaker 1: how exhausting it must be. I mean, if I could
Speaker 1: go to bed at eight and feel like I could
Speaker 1: tell that to people, I would be doing that. Sometimes
Speaker 1: I stay out just in case somebody asked me what
Speaker 1: time I went to bed, and I don't want to
Speaker 1: sound It's like an asshole that I went to bed
Speaker 1: at eight o'clock. Last night. We were at dinner. I know,
Speaker 1: I was at dinner with two girlfriends and I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: we had dinner at seven thirty. At nine thirty probably,
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I have to get home. I have
Speaker 1: to be in best by ten. And they're like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, You're so ridiculous, and I'm like, no, I'm not.
Speaker 1: I love it. I love sleeping, but that's I mean,
Speaker 1: it's a good thing to know about yourself, so you
Speaker 1: can just be like, I'm in a piece out now,
Speaker 1: especially when I'm in a great hotel. I also love
Speaker 1: that that coziness with the nice sheets and the nice pillows. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Now they have this new thing where you can I
Speaker 1: forget what it's called. Ben Bruno was telling me about
Speaker 1: it this morning at my workout, like a temperature mattress
Speaker 1: where you can adjust the temperature. Yeah, I need to
Speaker 1: get one of those, because no, you can either get
Speaker 1: the mattress or you can get the top of a mattress.
Speaker 1: It's called something. I'll find out the name of it.
Speaker 1: Do you like to sleep in a freezing bedroom? Or
Speaker 1: sixty degrees? Is what my preference, and which is difficult
Speaker 1: because most men don't. I once had a boyfriend who
Speaker 1: wore a scarf every night because he was like, it's
Speaker 1: so fucking cold in here, I'm gonna catch pneumonia, and
Speaker 1: I love sleeping in an ice box. Dude, you're a Norman.
Speaker 1: Are the same? I fucking hate it really well, you're Europeans.
Speaker 1: Europeans don't like the cold at night. No, that's not Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's in your blood. No, but there's cold, and there's
Speaker 1: sixty five ice block, like you know, No, it's cold
Speaker 1: while you're under the covers. No, that's crazy. Did you
Speaker 1: guys just moved to l A or No, we've sold
Speaker 1: our house and l are actually in New York. We
Speaker 1: live in New York, but in Paris for a year.
Speaker 1: Oh I thought I read something that you went to
Speaker 1: a table read in Norman bought you guys a house
Speaker 1: without you know, he did? He did, which is fun.
Speaker 1: So we were there. We were there during during the pandemic,
Speaker 1: which was great with a kid and everything. But then, uh, yeah,
Speaker 1: we're just not l A people. I think I can
Speaker 1: hear you. I'm I would like a real good excuse
Speaker 1: to move to New York because I'm over all, like
Speaker 1: I will, We'll have to do remote. Yeah, I'm over LA.
Speaker 1: I find l A to be whenever I'm gone. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm not here a lot because I'm usually on tour.
Speaker 1: I travel a lot. I spend my winter skiing and Whistler.
Speaker 1: But when i come back after being home for like
Speaker 1: two weeks, I'm just like, I gotta get the funk
Speaker 1: out of here. It's just too much. It's too stupid
Speaker 1: this town, it's too thulous. Are you in the city
Speaker 1: or where are you? What time? Yeah? Well right now.
Speaker 1: Unfortunately I'm in Beverly Hills because I'm in a rental
Speaker 1: and I'm building a house in Brentwood, which will be
Speaker 1: done in the winter time, and that'll be nice because
Speaker 1: that's more private. I just don't like the pressure of
Speaker 1: going out all the time in l A. When people
Speaker 1: know you're around, you kind of feel obligated to show
Speaker 1: up to things. I hate that. I want to do
Speaker 1: what I want to do, you know, I'm a little
Speaker 1: bit selfish that way. That's why I leave town for
Speaker 1: months at a time. Okay, who do we have next? Well,
Speaker 1: our next color is Rachel, she says. Dear Chelsea I've
Speaker 1: lived my entire life in a ten hour segment of
Speaker 1: I five between California and Oregon, and I find myself
Speaker 1: dreaming daily about life beyond such a small bit of
Speaker 1: the world. My husband loves where we live. What's a
Speaker 1: ten hour segment? What does that mean like within a
Speaker 1: ten hour drive? I know, it's just just sort of
Speaker 1: an artful way of describing it. My husband loves where
Speaker 1: we live, surrounded by friends and family, good reliable work,
Speaker 1: the perfect home. But I want to create more experiences
Speaker 1: for us. He says he's interested too, but I also
Speaker 1: hear him saying regularly how much he loves living where
Speaker 1: we do, having weekly game nights, pickleball games, and more.
Speaker 1: It hurts my heart to think about taking him away
Speaker 1: from all that, but my heart also aches for a
Speaker 1: life beyond southern Oregon. I want to experience several different lives,
Speaker 1: study abroad by getting my PhD, and planned last minute
Speaker 1: weekend train trips to new countries. That said, I struggle
Speaker 1: with high anxiety, so I'm quite understanding that the dream
Speaker 1: of mine might be short lived. We might go abroad,
Speaker 1: and then I decide that's not what I thought it
Speaker 1: would be, and hate it. And we're back within six months.
Speaker 1: I'm so torn. I don't know what to do or
Speaker 1: where to start. Any ideas are greatly welcomed. Rachel and Nathan.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, we have our first couple. I love this.
Speaker 1: I did like couple's counseling for years. Hi, I was fabulous. Hi,
Speaker 1: thank you for having us. Yeah, Diane Krueger's our special
Speaker 1: guest today. And you know already, well are you all? Catherine? Likewise, well,
Speaker 1: so you know you mentioned also Rachel that like you
Speaker 1: have a little bit of anxiety of like if you
Speaker 1: do go abroad or you do go study somewhere else,
Speaker 1: then you know Nathan is going to have a lot
Speaker 1: of free time and be going to make friends and everything,
Speaker 1: and tell us a little bit about that. Yes, I
Speaker 1: am quite a little bundle of anxiety. And when we
Speaker 1: talk about the potential of going abroad and moving abroad,
Speaker 1: Nathan's brought up I'm an invert. I'm happy every night
Speaker 1: at home reading with that don't want to do. And
Speaker 1: he's like, oh, I I can just find friends. I'll
Speaker 1: find places to go play board games if people hang
Speaker 1: out with and as he says that, and I say, absolutely,
Speaker 1: my anxiety is like, but will I be comfortable with that?
Speaker 1: And I don't know if I will feel safe if
Speaker 1: I'm home alone and you're out in the world and
Speaker 1: it's a world I don't know, I'm not comfortable with,
Speaker 1: And I just worry that, like, if I can't do
Speaker 1: that for him, would that version of us being abroad
Speaker 1: be okay with him? I'd be enough for him if
Speaker 1: it's just me at home and not let with me
Speaker 1: not letting him be out. And then I feel bad
Speaker 1: about that too if that's the reality of it. So
Speaker 1: it is that only that's okay? Is the only option
Speaker 1: moving abroad? Like what about moving somewhere within the country,
Speaker 1: so it's not such a big leak? Is that an option? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think so, yes, I want to do it all.
Speaker 1: So I sawing Halter. I had this moment where I
Speaker 1: realized I've only lived in a ten hour window by
Speaker 1: five my entire life, and he's only lived in like
Speaker 1: a four hour window. And so I'm like, the world's
Speaker 1: too big. I need to experience at all. I want
Speaker 1: to know what it's like to level the East Coast.
Speaker 1: But then all so abroad and I see pictures of
Speaker 1: all these different countries and I don't just get this
Speaker 1: feeling of like how fun it would be. I have
Speaker 1: a guttural like I need to be either, I need
Speaker 1: to experience it. But why why, I like, pack up
Speaker 1: and leave your old life behind? Can you not go
Speaker 1: for a month in an airbnb in Italy and just
Speaker 1: live there for a months if you like it? I
Speaker 1: would love to try that. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: give up my house before I knew I really liked Rome.
Speaker 1: That seems you know what I mean? Yeah, I totally agree.
Speaker 1: I like having something to fall back on and I
Speaker 1: feel more comfortable. I think we have a good a
Speaker 1: good life here in Oregon. And yeah, that's I think
Speaker 1: where some of the anxiety for me is coming from
Speaker 1: is if we just like packed up and moved away
Speaker 1: without knowing what reality would really look like. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think that's reasonable to have anxiety about that. Do you
Speaker 1: have a place in mind, like are you obsessed with
Speaker 1: going to live in a certain part of the world
Speaker 1: or is it just anywhere? I like the did like
Speaker 1: getting my PhD a rod and then we're stable and
Speaker 1: we're in one space, and then we could wake up
Speaker 1: on the weekend and be like, let's take a train
Speaker 1: trip into who knows where. And then the other part
Speaker 1: of me loves kind of the nomadic lifestyle of like
Speaker 1: being three weeks in one town or country and then
Speaker 1: just picking up and going to another one. And I
Speaker 1: don't want to sell the home because I want to
Speaker 1: have a place to come back to. I want to
Speaker 1: InCor and knowing if it doesn't work out. Nathan's really analytical.
Speaker 1: He he likes ask the why, and I'm like, why not,
Speaker 1: you know, And so we're kind of in a different area,
Speaker 1: I think, with meeting in the middle. And I think
Speaker 1: the other thing that worries me is at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, he says, I would do anything for you,
Speaker 1: whatever brings you joy in life. I want to do
Speaker 1: that and make that happen for you. But then I
Speaker 1: also worry if I'm affecting his happiness. I don't want
Speaker 1: to do that, and I don't want to be selfish,
Speaker 1: and I don't know where that line is for both
Speaker 1: of us to be happy. But you don't. You don't
Speaker 1: know until you go there. That's like, that's like saying,
Speaker 1: what if the world ends next week and I haven't
Speaker 1: tacked up my pictures. I mean, it's just like it's
Speaker 1: like you don't know until you do it. You just
Speaker 1: gotta jump the ship. Don't sell your house, go for
Speaker 1: a month long vacation, see what it's like, look at
Speaker 1: the universities. I don't know. Whatever you want to do,
Speaker 1: come home, go to Paris on Christmas for two weeks
Speaker 1: and see if if you guys love it. I feel
Speaker 1: like it's a waste of time to talk about what
Speaker 1: could be. Yeah, you're not doing it. You're living in
Speaker 1: your anxiety I think a little bit too much, like
Speaker 1: you're worried about all of these things that you'll never
Speaker 1: know unless you take a leap of faith. And as
Speaker 1: long as you guys who seem really solid, like you
Speaker 1: have a solid relationship and a solid foundation, as long
Speaker 1: as you guys commit to each other that you're going
Speaker 1: to do this as an experiment and you're gonna go
Speaker 1: look at schools and you're going to spend a month
Speaker 1: in some part of Italy or France or England or
Speaker 1: whatever whatever floats your boat. Just do it and commit
Speaker 1: to doing it together and seeing and having an open
Speaker 1: communication about it the whole time. When you find someplace
Speaker 1: that you love and that you love that you feel
Speaker 1: like you long, you're gonna know immediately you're both going
Speaker 1: to feel it, you know what I mean. So it's
Speaker 1: like you can't answer that question before you take that
Speaker 1: leap of faith. You know, you have to trust the process,
Speaker 1: trust the unknown, and trust the universe is going to
Speaker 1: show up for you in a way where you're going
Speaker 1: to be somewhere and you're gonna go, oh my god.
Speaker 1: It could be Amsterdam, you guys could be like, holy shit,
Speaker 1: this is where we belong. This is where I see
Speaker 1: myself living for the next five years. And then you
Speaker 1: can come back and sell your house and take care
Speaker 1: of that. But yeah, you definitely want to go experiment.
Speaker 1: You know, are you financially able to do that? You guys, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: we we are financially. It's just getting that time off
Speaker 1: from work can be tricky. We both have jobs, and
Speaker 1: you know, they've been fine with us taking a week
Speaker 1: or two, but if it was a little bit longer
Speaker 1: and be a little bit more of a conversation, yeah,
Speaker 1: and you know, I think that's a conversation that's worth having.
Speaker 1: My younger brother, this is pre pandemic. He and his
Speaker 1: wife got married and they wanted to go travel, so
Speaker 1: they set up a time that was like six months
Speaker 1: that they want to travel South America, and his work
Speaker 1: initially was like, Nope, we don't do work from home.
Speaker 1: We don't do remote no way. And he kind of
Speaker 1: kept after it and they were like, all right, if
Speaker 1: you create a proposal about what that would look like,
Speaker 1: what you're hours would look like, what the relationship to
Speaker 1: the business looks like. He did. He created this whole
Speaker 1: proposal and it then became the work from home manual
Speaker 1: for the entire company. So, and of course there's so
Speaker 1: many things you can do from anywhere these days. Maybe
Speaker 1: that's maybe not the line of work that you're in,
Speaker 1: but there might be other options as well. But yeah,
Speaker 1: if you can't afford to like just have your house empty,
Speaker 1: you can always think about airbn being it. You could
Speaker 1: rent it out and you know, even if that is
Speaker 1: for a month, like Diane said, or when you find
Speaker 1: the right place for six months or for a year,
Speaker 1: so you sort of always know there's that place to
Speaker 1: come home to if and when you need it. That
Speaker 1: would be a great idea. Yeah, and if you can
Speaker 1: work from Italy or wherever you guys, just I we've
Speaker 1: already decided you're going to Italy apparently, but if you
Speaker 1: could work, if you could work from somewhere, you know,
Speaker 1: even if it's like, Okay, we're gonna take two weeks off,
Speaker 1: in the other two weeks, I'm gonna be available. You know.
Speaker 1: Obviously it's a different time zone and different and there's
Speaker 1: a big time difference, but still, like, I'm sure there's
Speaker 1: ways around it. If you guys are intent on doing this,
Speaker 1: which you seem to be, and be honest with them,
Speaker 1: you know, this is your wife's desires to go look
Speaker 1: at master programs or whatever and and just be available
Speaker 1: for whatever compromise you can make work wise. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: also think I'm working about getting Italian citizenship through bloodline,
Speaker 1: and that won't happen for a couple of years. So
Speaker 1: he makes him like great, whenever it happens, we can
Speaker 1: talk about this, like they'll let's go now, like we're
Speaker 1: not probably tomorrow, let's do some version of this now.
Speaker 1: And I think I'm very like we'll start dipping your
Speaker 1: toe in that water. Yeah. Absolutely. I just got my
Speaker 1: German citizenship because my mother is German, and it took
Speaker 1: me two and a half years to get it. F
Speaker 1: y I but she's been traveling. But and I was
Speaker 1: paying somebody to do this for me, and it took
Speaker 1: a long time. So don't wait for that, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. The other thing I think you have
Speaker 1: to look at is, you know, obviously, Rachel, you've got
Speaker 1: this amazing guy. He's like, whatever you want to do,
Speaker 1: whatever makes you happy, let's go do it. He loves you.
Speaker 1: So I think one thing you need to examine is
Speaker 1: what's coming up for you and makes you feel so
Speaker 1: scared and emotional about, Like if you want to stay
Speaker 1: home with a book and he wants to go to
Speaker 1: a cafe and meet people and you know, go to
Speaker 1: a meetup group. It doesn't mean that you're not enough
Speaker 1: for him. He loves you exactly the way you are.
Speaker 1: He loves that you're staying home to read a book
Speaker 1: and like have a cozy time. But he is also
Speaker 1: going to need you know that outside stimulation. But outlets.
Speaker 1: We all need our own outlets, and they're not always
Speaker 1: We don't share outlets. Just like you can't use the
Speaker 1: same outlet in France that you use in America. We
Speaker 1: all we all don't have the same outlets. What I
Speaker 1: need to do is different than what my partner is
Speaker 1: going to want to do, you know, and it's also
Speaker 1: nice to be like, cool, go do that, I'll be here. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's very liberating, Like Dianne was just talking about that earlier,
Speaker 1: like getting to the level and your relationship and a
Speaker 1: maturity level where you're not threatened by somebody going and
Speaker 1: doing their own thing because there's a trust and a
Speaker 1: foundation that has been built, and it's good for people
Speaker 1: to go and do their own thing. It's good for
Speaker 1: people to have hobbies. If you didn't want to go
Speaker 1: play pickleball or join these things, that would be weird,
Speaker 1: like it's it's it's more dynamic for you both to
Speaker 1: have individual aspects of yourself that you don't necessarily share
Speaker 1: all the time. I have want of this and agree.
Speaker 1: My concern is more if I'm gonna be too scared
Speaker 1: to have him out in the world like that. Anxiety
Speaker 1: pieces my my huge and guides about safety, and I
Speaker 1: worry like even like last night he was out playing
Speaker 1: soccer and I was like, oh, no, training, you got
Speaker 1: in a car crash. And so that's something I've been
Speaker 1: working out pretenders by therapist. Yes, So if I worried
Speaker 1: about going out and then I don't want them to
Speaker 1: go out. Yeah, if I take away that little joy like,
Speaker 1: I don't know, I just well, I think once you practice,
Speaker 1: have you made any progress? Look? Yeah, therapies for everyone,
Speaker 1: just net way. Yeah, So I would just add that
Speaker 1: Rachel doesn't stop me from going out. She just has
Speaker 1: these feelings she sort of deals with while I'm out,
Speaker 1: and some anxiety there. But she's not like campering my
Speaker 1: life and like locking me change at home all the time.
Speaker 1: So and do you check in with her a lot
Speaker 1: to ameliorate any of her fears. Yes, yeah, we except
Speaker 1: for when I forget too and then that's been an issue.
Speaker 1: But yes, we we try. We have a whole texting
Speaker 1: routine when I'm out and not at home. So I
Speaker 1: have a girlfriend like that. She freaks out when her
Speaker 1: husband goes on bike rides. He goes every Sunday morning,
Speaker 1: and she every Sunday morning, She's like, what if something happened?
Speaker 1: What if something happened? And I'm like, what what is this?
Speaker 1: I had never seen? I'm like, what do you mean what?
Speaker 1: He's on a fucking bike ride when he goes every Sunday,
Speaker 1: She's like, but every Sunday it happens so it's like
Speaker 1: this pathology that exists. So I know that what you're
Speaker 1: talking about is prevalent or exists. But yeah, the more
Speaker 1: you let him go out, does that help you with
Speaker 1: dealing with it? Yeah? And I think it's the idea
Speaker 1: whereas I know, once I'm there, I can see like, oh,
Speaker 1: the world feels normal and safe here. I don't know
Speaker 1: what I'm scared about, but I just need to get there,
Speaker 1: you know, to that point, and to physically be in
Speaker 1: that space and recognize like this is a very normal space.
Speaker 1: How funny that I want to not join you in
Speaker 1: do my own thing and I don't worry about it.
Speaker 1: But that's also in theory. So yeah, you have to stop.
Speaker 1: You have to stop projecting all of your fears. I mean,
Speaker 1: a good exercise. It's just to stop, Like when you're
Speaker 1: gonna say it out loud, don't you have to say
Speaker 1: the opposite and internalize it to yourself, like, this is
Speaker 1: not a real fear. This is something that I have
Speaker 1: going on in my narrative that's speaking to me. It's
Speaker 1: that voice in the back of my head that's not
Speaker 1: the real you. And you have to separate those two things.
Speaker 1: We have the real us, and then we have that voice,
Speaker 1: and that voice is just oh, he's trying to get
Speaker 1: into us, you know, So you can exert control and
Speaker 1: power over this situation by knowing that you're stronger than
Speaker 1: that voice. Yeah, that was a real game changer for
Speaker 1: me recently, was your thoughts just because they pop into
Speaker 1: her and are not always true, And sometimes you can
Speaker 1: have that like overarching like all right, my brain wants
Speaker 1: to tell me that this is a scary, frightening thing
Speaker 1: that my husband's like going out and having a good
Speaker 1: time with, you know, with our friends or with whoever
Speaker 1: he might be unsafe, maybe he meets somebody likes better
Speaker 1: than me, whatever. But also the reminding yourself like that's
Speaker 1: just a thought that's popping into my head. It doesn't
Speaker 1: make it true. Yeah, I really like the word used narrative.
Speaker 1: I think like that's the narrative I'm telling myself, and
Speaker 1: that's like that's so easily skewed, and like I can
Speaker 1: rewrite that narrative and take control of it. Or yeah,
Speaker 1: and when he's out, you can switch the flip the dialogue,
Speaker 1: like Nathan's safe right now, Nathan's having a good time
Speaker 1: right now, Nathan's playing pickleball right now, and you keep
Speaker 1: repeating that, and like the vibe will change event sally.
Speaker 1: It will take time, but you've already been in therapy
Speaker 1: about it. So it's just a matter of really just
Speaker 1: shifting your thinking, you know, and remembering that you are
Speaker 1: in charge of your thoughts and your emotions and your actions. Sorry,
Speaker 1: I shouldn't say you're in charge of your thoughts, because
Speaker 1: what you just said is true. We have thoughts that
Speaker 1: pop into our head all the time. It's like when
Speaker 1: my mom my sister had her baby, she goes, all
Speaker 1: I can think about is dropping my baby. All I
Speaker 1: can think about is dropping my baby, and it's like
Speaker 1: she can't control that coming into her head. But she
Speaker 1: had to understand she's not going to drop her baby.
Speaker 1: Like she's not gonna do that. You know. It's like
Speaker 1: irrational thoughts. So yeah, as long as you can try
Speaker 1: to frame them, I think you'll be fine. And yeah,
Speaker 1: go on that vacation. You guys have a great marriage.
Speaker 1: Go like, experience it, take a bunch of risks and
Speaker 1: see where you land. You may go and be like
Speaker 1: I don't want to live anywhere other than Oregon. You
Speaker 1: never know, Yeah, I would be so upset if I
Speaker 1: let my fears about what what ifs take away the
Speaker 1: possibility of living abroad and or other states and just
Speaker 1: having that adventure together. So well, I want your next
Speaker 1: amount to us to be from Italy. I would love
Speaker 1: that we went tony dated. I can't stop thinking about
Speaker 1: it still, So okay, Okay, Well have fun you guys,
Speaker 1: keep us posted. Thank you so much, Dianne. That was
Speaker 1: especially to Chelsea Catherine. Thank you so much. Hi guys,
Speaker 1: thank you all for joining us by a lot of
Speaker 1: domestic issues today. Girls. Well, let's take a quick break
Speaker 1: and we'll be right back to wrap up with Diana
Speaker 1: and Chelsea. Okay, and we're back with Diane Krueger. We're
Speaker 1: going to wrap up our episode. Yes, and Diane, do
Speaker 1: you have any advice you'd like from Chelsea? Oh my god, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: just tell me how to live. I follow you on
Speaker 1: Instagram and your life seems like a rock star. I
Speaker 1: just want to be you. Well, you had a baby,
Speaker 1: so parties, parties over, parties over. You made your bed
Speaker 1: and now you have to lie in it for eighteen
Speaker 1: years or if you're or if you're those kids from
Speaker 1: that other marriage until their twenty but I'm sure as
Speaker 1: your mother. I'm sure as a mother, you probably even
Speaker 1: the thought of your kids leaving, especially a daughter, is
Speaker 1: so terrifying to even think that there's a day that
Speaker 1: she's gonna want to go to college or leave home terrifying.
Speaker 1: I want her to be changed. I make her say,
Speaker 1: I'm going to stay with you. You know that book
Speaker 1: I Love You Whoever like? It's the children's book, and
Speaker 1: it's about this kid growing up right, And it's about
Speaker 1: the mother coming into the room every night and when
Speaker 1: the kids asleep, and she holds them and she sings
Speaker 1: from the songs saying I love you forever. I like
Speaker 1: you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby,
Speaker 1: you'll be And I like make her repeat it all
Speaker 1: the time so that she won't. At one point, the
Speaker 1: mother grows old and the kid moves across town and
Speaker 1: basically she then dies, and I make her say to
Speaker 1: me that she will never move across town. That's funny.
Speaker 1: A new book is called A Name from the Sky.
Speaker 1: By the way, it's a great children's book. Great Christmas
Speaker 1: gift for everybody who needs to get little kids some presents.
Speaker 1: I'm going to get a bunch of my friends that
Speaker 1: all have babies, and congratulations on that, and and congratulations
Speaker 1: on being a happy camper these days. Sister, Thank you,
Speaker 1: I thank you so much. It was so lovely to
Speaker 1: talk to you guys to psychwise. Nice to meet you.
Speaker 1: Have a great day. Bye bye bye. So I'm winding
Speaker 1: up my stand up tour. Vaccinated and Horning is coming
Speaker 1: to a screeching halt at the end of the year.
Speaker 1: I have my last dates coming up, and these are
Speaker 1: the last opportunities. You have to also buy merch from
Speaker 1: the website Chelsea Handler dot com if you want Vaccinating
Speaker 1: and Horning merch or Captain's hats that say We're the
Speaker 1: Captain's now for women only, our t shirts for men
Speaker 1: and your family that say I'm sorry because they should be.
Speaker 1: I only have a few dates left. I'm going to Tucson, Arizona.
Speaker 1: November five is Tucson, November six is Colorado Springs, and
Speaker 1: then Rockford, Illinois, Minneapolis, Rosemont, Illinois, two shows in Tampa,
Speaker 1: a show in Fort Myers, Florida, Daytona Beach, Hollywood, Florida, Concord,
Speaker 1: New Hampshire, Wooster, Mass wilkes Berry, Pennsylvania, wilkes Berry Pennsylvania
Speaker 1: there I said it, and then San Diego and Riverside, California,
Speaker 1: and then Baltimore, Maryland, and then my very last date
Speaker 1: is December six in Reading, Pennsylvania. So this will be
Speaker 1: the last of me performing listeners. If you are enjoying
Speaker 1: what you're hearing, you can subscribe to Dear Chelsea. That
Speaker 1: is our podcast, and you can rate us if you want. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a great idea. It actually makes a huge difference
Speaker 1: for this podcast, for any podcast that you like, Subscribing
Speaker 1: giving it a rating actually make a huge difference in
Speaker 1: who all we get served too, and helping spread the word. Okay, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: subscribe and and and and comment, yeah, and follow. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to find what our rating is. So if you'd
Speaker 1: like advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is
Speaker 1: a production of I Heart Radio. Executive produced by Nick Stump,
Speaker 1: produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.