1 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:10,080 Speaker 1: Welcome to the ten Minute Storyteller. That's me Bill Simpson, 2 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:15,040 Speaker 1: your host, narrator and author. We hear at the ten 3 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:19,680 Speaker 1: minute Storyteller endeavor to entertain you with tall tales or 4 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:24,840 Speaker 1: rendered swiftly and with the utmost empathy. We pledge to 5 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:29,520 Speaker 1: pack as much entertainment, emotion, and exploration into the human 6 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:38,480 Speaker 1: condition as ten minutes will permit. Mini novels on steroids. 7 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:46,159 Speaker 1: This week we meet Reverend Johnson. Reverend Johnson likes to 8 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:49,639 Speaker 1: run out of gas. In the old days, he liked 9 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:54,240 Speaker 1: to run out for spiritual reasons, but these days his 10 00:00:54,440 --> 00:01:01,160 Speaker 1: reasons are more bodily in nature, but no matter or physical. 11 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:05,480 Speaker 1: The Rev has found a way, as humans so aptly do, 12 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:10,720 Speaker 1: to justify his carnal delights while pledging his faith in 13 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:21,560 Speaker 1: God and in Jesus, Good God. The little ragtop sputters 14 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:26,600 Speaker 1: and runs out of gas. Reverend Johnson smiles, no easy 15 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:30,720 Speaker 1: chore getting the British racing green Mayata to run out 16 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:35,319 Speaker 1: of gas. This sprightly but exceedingly frugal two point zero 17 00:01:35,319 --> 00:01:39,200 Speaker 1: in line four runs for miles on fumes and doesn't 18 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:44,200 Speaker 1: demand high test. The cheapest off brand eighty seven octane 19 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:48,960 Speaker 1: makes her run like a cheetah. In contrast, the Reverend's 20 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:56,200 Speaker 1: previous roadster, an antique MGBGT, also in British or Racing Green, 21 00:01:56,600 --> 00:02:01,440 Speaker 1: demanded shell nitro super Premium ninety through octane or she 22 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 1: bitched like a Prima Donna rock and roll goddess, and 23 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:10,079 Speaker 1: the second her gas gauge hit e, she sputtered and died. 24 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:14,400 Speaker 1: Of course, the rev loved this feature because running out 25 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:18,200 Speaker 1: of gas, after all, was the whole point of the exercise. 26 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:23,799 Speaker 1: He especially loved that MGBGT because the Moody sports car 27 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 1: occasionally just conked out without rhyme or reason, bosh electrical 28 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:35,600 Speaker 1: problems mostly, but pump even a gallon of crappy petrol 29 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:39,600 Speaker 1: into her tank and the carburetor would clog like a 30 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:44,040 Speaker 1: grease gunked drain and kill the GT dead in its tracks. 31 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:49,520 Speaker 1: A very temperamental broad but still the Reverend loved those 32 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:56,920 Speaker 1: unexpected breakdowns. The Mayata offers no such spontaneity. Closing in 33 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:01,919 Speaker 1: on ninety thousand miles, the two seater has zero repairs, 34 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:05,040 Speaker 1: one set of new breaks, two sets of new tires, 35 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,799 Speaker 1: and a few oil changes. It's a marvel of Japanese 36 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:12,800 Speaker 1: engineering and a pretty good thrill to drive. Also not 37 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,400 Speaker 1: tremendously quick off the line, but with that six speed 38 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: short throw and that inline for it's plenty peppy and 39 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:26,560 Speaker 1: extremely agile go kart steering. Rev Jay drives the shit 40 00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:30,320 Speaker 1: out of her. Sure he gets stopped by the law 41 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 1: from time to time, but always apologizes with great sincerity 42 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,920 Speaker 1: and flashes his clerical creds while explaining to the officer 43 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,400 Speaker 1: that he has an ill parishioner in need of the Lord. 44 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:48,680 Speaker 1: Always this wee fib whisks him away in a hurry. Now, 45 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:51,440 Speaker 1: the first time the Rev ran out of gas was 46 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:55,360 Speaker 1: purely an accident. He thought he had plenty of fuel 47 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,000 Speaker 1: to make it to the shell station out on two 48 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,960 Speaker 1: O six, but nope. He came up a couple miles short, 49 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:06,160 Speaker 1: sought help at the nearest house, and there found an 50 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:11,040 Speaker 1: elderly couple coincidentally looking for God. And just like that, 51 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:16,560 Speaker 1: Reverend Johnson had a gallon of petrol and two new parishioners. 52 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:22,400 Speaker 1: After that, he let the MGBGT run out of gas 53 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,160 Speaker 1: at the end of almost every tank full. Sometimes he'd 54 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,680 Speaker 1: only put a gallon or two in the tank so 55 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,120 Speaker 1: we could run out a couple of times a week. 56 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:36,680 Speaker 1: Rev believed God wanted him to run out of gas, 57 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:42,799 Speaker 1: wanted him to run out at very specific locations, because 58 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:47,960 Speaker 1: at those locations were lost, lonely, desperate souls looking for 59 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:53,159 Speaker 1: spiritual guidance, looking for Jesus, looking for God. So God 60 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:58,279 Speaker 1: sent the Rev in his British racing green MGBGT, very 61 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,719 Speaker 1: low on fuel, to find these lost and lonely souls 62 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:06,640 Speaker 1: and save them. Reverend Johnson believed this. He really did, 63 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 1: He really believed it with all his heart and all 64 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:14,479 Speaker 1: his souls. All those new parishioners caused his little church 65 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,280 Speaker 1: on the hill to grow and grow like beans on 66 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:21,480 Speaker 1: the stalk, and it kept growing even after. Reverend Johnson 67 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 1: discovered a more well, a more secular, which is to say, 68 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:32,560 Speaker 1: a more earthly consequence of his MGBGT running out of gas. 69 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:37,800 Speaker 1: This consequence caused the reverend for the very first time 70 00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:42,400 Speaker 1: in his life to doubt, to doubt the existence of God. 71 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:49,159 Speaker 1: This doubt grew somewhat more urgent after Reverend Jay found 72 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:54,320 Speaker 1: out his wife was having a wild sexual fling with 73 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:58,760 Speaker 1: Freddy Lott, the assistant pastor, who was also the church 74 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:04,880 Speaker 1: organist and director. Rev's wife was the lead soprano in 75 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,600 Speaker 1: the choir, and every Thursday night she came home late 76 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:13,520 Speaker 1: from choir practice, smelling of wine and cheese and sex. 77 00:06:14,839 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 1: When the reverend confronted her, she bellowed, Oh, don't even 78 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,080 Speaker 1: think about getting all high and mighty on me, Harold Johnson. 79 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 1: Don't even think about it now. Reverend Johnson did not 80 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:30,599 Speaker 1: care to find out what his wife meant by all this, 81 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:34,760 Speaker 1: so he simply said, please, Martha, a bit of discretion. 82 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:40,839 Speaker 1: Oh good God, replied Martha, you flaming hypocrite. My father 83 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:46,960 Speaker 1: warned me about marrying a minister. Yes, it's true. And 84 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,560 Speaker 1: Harold knew it. Oh, he knew it. It could not 85 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:53,760 Speaker 1: be denied. He was living a lie, a big fat lie. 86 00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:56,680 Speaker 1: He knew it was a lie, but he couldn't help it, 87 00:06:57,080 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 1: couldn't help himself of the flesh and all that jazz. 88 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:05,919 Speaker 1: Harold lived the lie in church. He lived it in 89 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,680 Speaker 1: the bed he shared with Martha, lived it in the 90 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:13,480 Speaker 1: rectory with their four children, ages seven to fourteen. Lived 91 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,920 Speaker 1: it at the grocery store, in the coffee shop, and 92 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:21,440 Speaker 1: at the hospital when he went to visit sick parishioners. 93 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:27,360 Speaker 1: Soon after partaking of the forbidden bodily delights, Harold had 94 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:31,560 Speaker 1: decided God was no more real than Santa Claus or 95 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 1: Lucifer or bugs Bunny. There simply was no reality, no truth, 96 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:41,360 Speaker 1: no meaning to life, just whatever you by God decided. 97 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:46,680 Speaker 1: But still, every Sunday in the pulpit, his voice strong 98 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 1: and righteous, he told his flock to put their arms 99 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:56,000 Speaker 1: around Jesus, embrace Jesus and hold him close. He told 100 00:07:56,040 --> 00:08:01,080 Speaker 1: his flock the highest calling was faith, pure faith, and 101 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,120 Speaker 1: never once, never once did he mention to his flock 102 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:09,520 Speaker 1: that his own personal faith had gone whirling down the 103 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:18,920 Speaker 1: commode with another spent condom. Be gentle, he advised, Be kind, 104 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:22,760 Speaker 1: be truthful, and most of all, above all, be forgiving. 105 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:31,000 Speaker 1: For forgiveness is the clearest path to God's heart. This chicanery, 106 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:35,880 Speaker 1: despite a deep personal loathing for both his bride and 107 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:42,199 Speaker 1: that feckless Freddy Lot, and maybe, yes, maybe also for himself. 108 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,640 Speaker 1: It was then he knew he had to do something. 109 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 1: He was, after all, better than them, better than Martha 110 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:54,720 Speaker 1: and Lot. Yes, something had to give, something had to change, 111 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:59,360 Speaker 1: but not hopefully the good times when he ran out 112 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:04,800 Speaker 1: of gas and miracle of miracles. Not long after this 113 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:09,360 Speaker 1: low ebb, God, in all his glory, sent Reverend Harold 114 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:14,560 Speaker 1: a message sent it loud and clear, Genesis, verse one, 115 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:19,719 Speaker 1: chapter twenty eight. My son Harold quick looked it up. 116 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:24,800 Speaker 1: God blessed them and said to them, be fruitful and multiply. 117 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:30,679 Speaker 1: Be fruitful and multiply. Of course, of course, how Revjay 118 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:35,040 Speaker 1: asked himself, Could I be so stupid, so shallow, so silly, 119 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: be fruitful and multiply? Of course, yes, of course absolutely. 120 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 1: And now that is how Harold got his faith back, 121 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:48,440 Speaker 1: and why he tossed his condoms. It was all those 122 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:53,439 Speaker 1: silly condoms that were the problem. And now the Mayata 123 00:09:53,559 --> 00:09:57,400 Speaker 1: once again out of gas, the Rev Collar in place, 124 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:02,600 Speaker 1: hair and teeth brushed, breath minty fresh, steps out of 125 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 1: the low slung roadster. It's a lovely spring day, high 126 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:12,840 Speaker 1: blue sky, trees leafing out flowers, a bloom. Whole world, 127 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:18,760 Speaker 1: at least Harold's whole world. Feeling just chipper. Reverend Johnson 128 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:22,520 Speaker 1: looks around the tidy neighborhood and just before noon. It 129 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:26,000 Speaker 1: is on a Friday, Kids at school, dads at work. 130 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:31,320 Speaker 1: Mayata out of gas. He crosses the street along the 131 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:34,960 Speaker 1: brick walk, up the steps to the front porch, knocks 132 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 1: on the door. A moment later, the lady of the 133 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:43,200 Speaker 1: house answers, middle age but not yet past child bearing, 134 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:49,199 Speaker 1: still able to multiply, well preserved, very well preserved, but 135 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: clearly sexually deprived. He can see that in a rise, 136 00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:59,880 Speaker 1: it seems, he says, I've run out of gas. Oh my, 137 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:04,040 Speaker 1: She said, yes, I think my husband has some in 138 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 1: the garage for the lawnmower. Well, that would be wonderful, 139 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:12,480 Speaker 1: said the reverend. You're a pastor, I am. Well, just 140 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:14,160 Speaker 1: give me a moment to put on my shoes and 141 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,840 Speaker 1: we'll go out in the garage and have a look. 142 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,800 Speaker 1: They take care of the gas. They have coffee on 143 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,840 Speaker 1: the porch. He makes her laugh some old Jesus joke. 144 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:31,080 Speaker 1: How does Jesus make tea? I don't know. He bruis it, 145 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:35,080 Speaker 1: ha haha. At first she doesn't get it, but then 146 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,880 Speaker 1: she does, and when she does, she laughs and touches 147 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 1: his knee, and not long after she confesses, your little 148 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:46,600 Speaker 1: car is sort of like my marriage. Really, he asks, 149 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:51,800 Speaker 1: how so it's well, let's run out of gas. I'm 150 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,360 Speaker 1: so sorry to hear that, he says, I really am, 151 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:58,720 Speaker 1: And then very gently he touches her knee, and soon 152 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:02,840 Speaker 1: they're inside and upstairs and undressed and going at each 153 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,720 Speaker 1: other like a bitch in heat and the lucky hound 154 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:09,120 Speaker 1: who sniffed her out. As he pounds away on the 155 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:14,280 Speaker 1: lonely housewife, Reverend Harold Johnson assures himself he is simply 156 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:19,079 Speaker 1: doing God's work. He is doing as God instructed. He 157 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:24,120 Speaker 1: is being fruitful and multiplying. Oh yes, he is once 158 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:29,040 Speaker 1: again a believer, a great believer, maybe even the biggest 159 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:42,680 Speaker 1: believer of them all. Thanks for listening to this original 160 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:49,480 Speaker 1: audio presentation of Good God narrated by the author. If 161 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:53,560 Speaker 1: you enjoy today's story, please take a few seconds to rate, review, 162 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:59,040 Speaker 1: and subscribe to this podcast, and then go to Thomas 163 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:04,560 Speaker 1: Williamsonisen dot com for additional information about the author and 164 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:09,960 Speaker 1: to view his extensive canon. The Ten Minute Storyteller is 165 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:14,800 Speaker 1: produced by Andrew Pleglici and Josh Colodney and as part 166 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:20,480 Speaker 1: of the Elvis Duran Podcast Network in partnership with iHeart Productions. 167 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:26,440 Speaker 1: Until next time, this is Bill Simpson, your ten Minute Storyteller.