1 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't 2 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:16,520 Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know 3 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,840 Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's 4 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:22,360 Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die 5 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:25,759 Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a 6 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:30,880 Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah, 7 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was 8 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,840 Speaker 1: no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel 9 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:41,479 Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. 10 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And 11 00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:48,360 Speaker 1: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope 12 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:53,880 Speaker 1: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others, 13 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:58,040 Speaker 1: and the world around you. Welcome to you need therapy. 14 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:02,440 Speaker 1: Happy Monday, guys, it cat here. If you're not listening 15 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 1: to this on a Monday, then happy whatever day you're 16 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,440 Speaker 1: listening to this on. Quick reminder before we get into 17 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:11,080 Speaker 1: anything that although I'm a therapist and this podcast is 18 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:14,959 Speaker 1: called unique therapy, this does not serve as a replacement 19 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:20,080 Speaker 1: or a substitute for any actual mental health services. But 20 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:24,200 Speaker 1: it can't help along whatever journey you are on, So 21 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:28,120 Speaker 1: this week we are going to be talking about something 22 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:33,920 Speaker 1: that might end up saving your relationship from its own apocalypse. 23 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:38,160 Speaker 1: Which side note, I don't know if anyone has seen 24 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,960 Speaker 1: the movie. I think it's called I want to say 25 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,399 Speaker 1: it's called Night at the Cabin or something like that. 26 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,600 Speaker 1: It's out in theaters right now. Patrick, my boyfriend and 27 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,480 Speaker 1: I went to see it a couple of weeks ago 28 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:51,840 Speaker 1: with some friends. The funny thing is we really went 29 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,320 Speaker 1: to see the movie because my favorite movie theater candy 30 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,760 Speaker 1: are those unwrapped butterfingers, like the many ones that come 31 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 1: in the box. And we were at the grocery store 32 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,560 Speaker 1: and I saw them at the checkout line and I said, 33 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, they didn't have those at the movie 34 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,480 Speaker 1: theater the last time I went. Let's get them for 35 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,079 Speaker 1: the next time we go. And so we got them. 36 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:15,880 Speaker 1: And then that weekend, that following weekend, I was thinking 37 00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:19,440 Speaker 1: to myself, you know, Patrick, we have that candy. We 38 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,720 Speaker 1: need to go to the movies so we can eat it. 39 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 1: And there wasn't really any movies out that we wanted 40 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:28,920 Speaker 1: to see. However, there was this movie Night at the Cabin. Again, 41 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,760 Speaker 1: I think that's what it's called, and it had the 42 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,480 Speaker 1: actor that plays Ron Weasley in Harry Potter in it, 43 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,560 Speaker 1: and so I was like, well, I need to support 44 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,119 Speaker 1: Harry Potter and I need to support Ron, and so 45 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:43,080 Speaker 1: let's go see it and support him in that way, 46 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:46,600 Speaker 1: and that's what we chose to see. Anyway. The reason 47 00:02:46,639 --> 00:02:49,680 Speaker 1: I bring that up is because the movie was actually 48 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,760 Speaker 1: about the end of the world in the apocalypse, and 49 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:56,200 Speaker 1: I am, for one, curious about other people's thoughts on 50 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 1: that movie if you had seen it, because it wasn't bad, 51 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 1: but it's also not a movie I would ever choose 52 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 1: to watch again. And normally I feel that about scary movies, 53 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,680 Speaker 1: but that one, I'm just like, I didn't. It wasn't 54 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 1: There's nothing that I really want to see again, but 55 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,320 Speaker 1: it was worth it because gosh, there is something nice 56 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,840 Speaker 1: about going to the movie theaters these days. Maybe it's 57 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:17,720 Speaker 1: nostalgia because I used to go a lot as a kid, 58 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,040 Speaker 1: but the movie theater is so different now. You get 59 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,280 Speaker 1: the chairs that like have the recliner, the automatic recliner. 60 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,839 Speaker 1: You could order like a full meal. There No there's 61 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,080 Speaker 1: a movie theater in my hometown you can literally a 62 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,880 Speaker 1: waitress will come to your seat, which is so wild. 63 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 1: There's like trays and stuff and like tables. This one 64 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,400 Speaker 1: wasn't that fancy, but there's just something about like lane 65 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:41,640 Speaker 1: and a chair like that and having all this space 66 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 1: and it's just as nice. I'm committing to going to 67 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:47,840 Speaker 1: more movies this year. I think, probably more movies I 68 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:49,960 Speaker 1: really want to see. But that was my second one 69 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,400 Speaker 1: of the year, so I'm on a good street because 70 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,400 Speaker 1: it won for each month, so maybe that's what I'll do. Anyway, 71 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 1: I think we should get back on topic. And I 72 00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,400 Speaker 1: just brought that up because it was about the apocalypse 73 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,560 Speaker 1: and we were talking about the apocalypse of relationships, and 74 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:06,400 Speaker 1: so let's get back onto that track. Like I said, 75 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about how to maybe save your 76 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:14,000 Speaker 1: relationship from an eternal doom, which I really hope is 77 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,520 Speaker 1: exciting for everybody because this is supposed to be a 78 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 1: very very helpful episode that can be applied really easily. 79 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:25,600 Speaker 1: Everybody in the world is going to relate to what 80 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:29,240 Speaker 1: we're talking about in some way because we all have relationships, 81 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:33,159 Speaker 1: whether they are romantic or not, and so I'm really 82 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,200 Speaker 1: excited to share this with you guys. This is information 83 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:40,160 Speaker 1: that I love because it's pretty simple and straightforward and 84 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,360 Speaker 1: also very very meaningful and helpful. So let's get right 85 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,839 Speaker 1: into it. We're talking about something that was developed and 86 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,880 Speaker 1: created by doctor John Gottman, and he developed this thing 87 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:55,800 Speaker 1: called the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of Relationships. It's 88 00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:59,160 Speaker 1: helped him be able to predict the failure or success 89 00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:03,599 Speaker 1: of a relationship ship with a ninety percent accuracy rate, 90 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:08,839 Speaker 1: which is so wild. And I remember learning that statistic 91 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:13,520 Speaker 1: in class like ten years ago. I actually remember sitting 92 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,160 Speaker 1: in my chair and being like, Oh, now you have 93 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:18,280 Speaker 1: my attention. I remember what classroom I was in, I 94 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,240 Speaker 1: remember who was sitting next to me. I remember the 95 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,000 Speaker 1: salad that the person was eating next to me, Like, 96 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:27,480 Speaker 1: I have this almost photographic memory of that moment because 97 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 1: it's something that really stuck out that I thought, Wait, 98 00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:31,960 Speaker 1: whatever you're about to tell me, it's going to be 99 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,440 Speaker 1: really important. If you don't know who doctor Gottman is, 100 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,880 Speaker 1: he's honestly one of the most renowned therapists of our 101 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 1: current time and maybe ever. And I think a lot 102 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,719 Speaker 1: of people would say that he has authored, or he 103 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:48,760 Speaker 1: has written himself or co authored over two hundred academic 104 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,919 Speaker 1: articles and more than forty books. Yeah, that is so 105 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,840 Speaker 1: many things, and a lot of those books are bestsellers. 106 00:05:56,200 --> 00:06:01,360 Speaker 1: Is he's just so dedicated to his lane of what 107 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,440 Speaker 1: he does with therapy, and he's just so smart, and 108 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,400 Speaker 1: he's also really nice to listen to. I've listened to 109 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,039 Speaker 1: most recently some podcasts with him, and he's just like 110 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,240 Speaker 1: you can tell, he really cares about what he's doing. 111 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,880 Speaker 1: He and his wife, who he writes a lot of 112 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:19,960 Speaker 1: his books with, they co founded the Gottman Institute. He 113 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 1: was previously the director of Relationship Research Institute. He is 114 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:28,320 Speaker 1: a professor at University of Washington, which is where he 115 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,320 Speaker 1: founded the Love Lab, which is where a lot of 116 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,120 Speaker 1: you'll hear about if you read his work, a lot 117 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,560 Speaker 1: of his research and interactions that he talks about is 118 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,920 Speaker 1: done in the Love Lab. So what I'm trying to 119 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,800 Speaker 1: say is that he's really smart, and he has a 120 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,120 Speaker 1: lot of stuff to teach us. And again, while most 121 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:46,760 Speaker 1: of his work is centered around romantic relationships, the stuff 122 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 1: he is teaching us and the stuff that he is 123 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: sharing with us and he's writing about and he's researching 124 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: it can help any kind of relationship or romantic relationships. Yes, 125 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:58,040 Speaker 1: but also our colleagues, the people we interact with at work, 126 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,960 Speaker 1: are family, even acquaintance says, and definitely friends. It is 127 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 1: something that we can all apply to our lives. So, 128 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:08,480 Speaker 1: like I said, doctor Gottman can predict to success or 129 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,200 Speaker 1: failure of a relationship with that ninety percent success rate. 130 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:16,880 Speaker 1: And how he determined how to do that is he 131 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:21,400 Speaker 1: started looking at how a couple manages their conflict. It 132 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:25,200 Speaker 1: feels like many people assume that the presence or absence 133 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: of conflict is what really needs to be looked at, 134 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,840 Speaker 1: and this has been proven not to be the case. 135 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:36,040 Speaker 1: Conflict is something that's inevitable. It's going to happen to everyone. 136 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:40,520 Speaker 1: It's in just about it every relationship we have. Depending 137 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:44,200 Speaker 1: on the closeness of that relationship, we will all have 138 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:47,880 Speaker 1: it in a variety of ways. Because humans are complex 139 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 1: and we're all different. So the key to healthy, long 140 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:56,640 Speaker 1: lasting and loving relationships is managing conflict versus resolving it. 141 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: And I really like the distinction in that bit of 142 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 1: we're looking at how people manage conflict versus resolving it 143 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,600 Speaker 1: and making it poof go away or figure out how 144 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,000 Speaker 1: to not have it, because often when we figure out 145 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:14,240 Speaker 1: how to not have it, it's because we're actually avoiding 146 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 1: what we really need, which we'll get into in different 147 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:20,880 Speaker 1: ways as we continue. So he has these four horsemen 148 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:29,200 Speaker 1: and they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. So I 149 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,560 Speaker 1: started working on this podcast with the idea that we 150 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,880 Speaker 1: would cover all four of the horsemen today. However, it 151 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,480 Speaker 1: was looking as if it would take about three hours 152 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 1: to do that, and so I know I don't have 153 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,800 Speaker 1: the attention span for that, and probably a lot of 154 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: you guys don't. So what we're going to do is 155 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:47,240 Speaker 1: we're going to create this into a series. It's going 156 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,080 Speaker 1: to be a series, a four week series where we're 157 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,680 Speaker 1: going to go over each of the horsemen in a 158 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:56,440 Speaker 1: specific episode to each have their own dedicated episode. And 159 00:08:56,520 --> 00:09:00,680 Speaker 1: so today we are going to dive right into criticism, 160 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,720 Speaker 1: which is the first horseman. So let's talk about what 161 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:13,320 Speaker 1: criticism is and also what it isn't. So let's talk 162 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:17,679 Speaker 1: about what criticism is and also what it isn't. Criticism 163 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:21,520 Speaker 1: is an attack on I'm going to talk about just 164 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 1: moving forward. I said this can be applied to anything. 165 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,079 Speaker 1: I'm talking about, these things like in romantic relationships, So 166 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 1: I'm going to use the word partner and stuff like that. 167 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 1: You can apply that however you want. But like I 168 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:35,560 Speaker 1: was saying, so criticism is an attack on your partner's character, 169 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:39,400 Speaker 1: like an attack on who they are. It isn't about 170 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:43,199 Speaker 1: a specific behavior at all. We kind of label the 171 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,640 Speaker 1: behavior and then turn it into an actual attack on 172 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:49,640 Speaker 1: their character, and it can be really demeaning, it can 173 00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:54,040 Speaker 1: feel really harsh. It's not offering a critique or voicing 174 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:57,199 Speaker 1: a complaint, which we will differentiate as we go on. 175 00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,760 Speaker 1: Those are two things that can be really healthy and 176 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:04,440 Speaker 1: really helpful in relationships. So this is the first horseman 177 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,760 Speaker 1: because it usually shows up first when there is an 178 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,480 Speaker 1: issue in a relationship, and when that happens, it kind 179 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,560 Speaker 1: of sets the tone for the entire discussion or conversation 180 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,800 Speaker 1: that follows, and then the other horseman can come if 181 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:22,640 Speaker 1: the criticism is continued. And doctor Gottman actually found that 182 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,800 Speaker 1: the way a conversation starts determines the outcome of the 183 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:30,280 Speaker 1: conversation within ninety six percent accuracy rate, which means if 184 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,280 Speaker 1: you start a conversation with criticism, the conversation will probably 185 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,160 Speaker 1: not end with you feeling really great, and you might 186 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:37,720 Speaker 1: even move on to some of these other horsemen. But 187 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,640 Speaker 1: on the flip side. If your conversation is on track 188 00:10:40,679 --> 00:10:43,920 Speaker 1: within the first three minutes, he discovered, then the conversation 189 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:47,000 Speaker 1: will likely end in a good way where your needs 190 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:51,200 Speaker 1: are heard and most likely met. So when you critique 191 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,240 Speaker 1: or you complain, which like I said just before, is 192 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:58,600 Speaker 1: different than a criticism. It's different than criticizing you are 193 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:04,560 Speaker 1: talking about something specific. You are bringing up a specific 194 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,560 Speaker 1: for example behavior. What I want people to know is 195 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:10,880 Speaker 1: criticism is a way to express our concern, but it's 196 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,280 Speaker 1: a way to do that without being vulnerable. So I 197 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,480 Speaker 1: kind of think this is hilarious, but it's like funny 198 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,600 Speaker 1: but not funny at the same time, because for a 199 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 1: relationship to be successful and healthy, there has to be vulnerability. 200 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 1: We cannot have a successful in tune relationship without being 201 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,599 Speaker 1: able to show up as vulnerable with our partners or 202 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:32,480 Speaker 1: whoever we are within that moment. And criticism is a 203 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:35,840 Speaker 1: way to express something, but it's with a bunch of 204 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,120 Speaker 1: armor and you have a bunch of protection on and 205 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,600 Speaker 1: when we are in defense mode, it's really really difficult, 206 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,760 Speaker 1: and you don't set yourself up in a way for 207 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:48,199 Speaker 1: your relationship to have a good shot of being successful. Now, 208 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,040 Speaker 1: I think most of us are not really aware when 209 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:55,720 Speaker 1: we're doing some of this when we are criticizing our partners. 210 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:59,440 Speaker 1: So before we talk about what to do instead of 211 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,480 Speaker 1: criticis sizing, I want to get a little bit more 212 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:07,160 Speaker 1: in depth with how criticism can look and sound, because again, 213 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,920 Speaker 1: a lot of times we're not realizing it, and awareness 214 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,719 Speaker 1: is a really good first step in and changing our 215 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:19,240 Speaker 1: behavior that isn't working. So often our critiques sound like exaggerating, 216 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,800 Speaker 1: and this I think is probably the most popular way 217 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 1: it comes up and probably the easiest spot. So most 218 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:27,600 Speaker 1: of the time when somebody is being critical, they'll say 219 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:32,079 Speaker 1: something with this exaggerated tone or language. You'll use words 220 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:36,320 Speaker 1: like always or never or constantly all the time, those 221 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,640 Speaker 1: kind of words that it's a black or white kind 222 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:42,199 Speaker 1: of thing. And we're doing this to get our point across. 223 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:46,400 Speaker 1: We're doing this because we want our partner to know 224 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,200 Speaker 1: like that this is a deep rooted thing, and it 225 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,400 Speaker 1: might feel like that, it might feel like all the time, 226 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,600 Speaker 1: but it usually isn't all of the time. It's not true. 227 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:59,240 Speaker 1: Think about how like in the very basic trope of 228 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:03,080 Speaker 1: the cleaning dishes, laundry trash kind of fight, which I 229 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,120 Speaker 1: will continue to use as I go on because it's 230 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,920 Speaker 1: just an easy one to pull up and we can 231 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,719 Speaker 1: all actually relate to that for the most part. You 232 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,400 Speaker 1: might say to your partner, you never do the dishes 233 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,600 Speaker 1: or take out the trash. You always just expect me 234 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: to do it for you. You're so selfish and you're 235 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:22,800 Speaker 1: so lazy. Well, if that's not true, then your partner, 236 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,920 Speaker 1: when they hear that, might say in their response, wait 237 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,120 Speaker 1: a second, that's not true. I took the trash out 238 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:32,880 Speaker 1: last week or I did the dishes last week. What 239 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,200 Speaker 1: are you talking about. So then your partner gets focused 240 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:40,760 Speaker 1: on his character and kind of like rewriting that wrong 241 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,000 Speaker 1: narrative that you just threw out there versus what's really 242 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,720 Speaker 1: going on, maybe your frustration, your exhaustion, maybe you're not 243 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,960 Speaker 1: feeling seen or appreciated. And I can imagine what would 244 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,120 Speaker 1: come next from the original partner. If somebody was like, 245 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,439 Speaker 1: that's not true, I did it last week. Then you 246 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,760 Speaker 1: might say something back like see, there you go again, 247 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,960 Speaker 1: only focused on your self because you're talking about your need, 248 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,400 Speaker 1: but you're expressing it in a way that is picking 249 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 1: on that person's behavior. So first way to spot it 250 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:14,800 Speaker 1: is in exaggerations, and then another way that criticism comes 251 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:20,840 Speaker 1: up is using the word why, using why questions. So 252 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,960 Speaker 1: something therapists learn in school is to be very careful 253 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:29,400 Speaker 1: of your whis And it's confusing because often when we 254 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:32,880 Speaker 1: use a why, it's because we genuinely we really want 255 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,320 Speaker 1: to know the answer to something. The problem is it 256 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:40,480 Speaker 1: can feel like by explaining the why, we have to 257 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:44,560 Speaker 1: justify something that we did wrong. So it's helpful just 258 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,880 Speaker 1: to steer clear of this, just to avoid any miscommunication. 259 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:52,400 Speaker 1: There are other ways to actually say what we really 260 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:56,960 Speaker 1: mean in that sense, And for example, you might say, hey, 261 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:59,560 Speaker 1: why didn't you ask me what my day was like 262 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,360 Speaker 1: before you told your parents we wouldn't meet them for dinner. 263 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: That kind of sets your partner up immediately to defend 264 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:09,200 Speaker 1: themselves versus hearing what you actually need. So then my 265 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:13,280 Speaker 1: response isn't oh, I hear that you are whatever. It 266 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,680 Speaker 1: goes into the explanation that you ask for, which feels 267 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:20,120 Speaker 1: like defensiveness. Instead of using that why, you can say, hey, 268 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:24,600 Speaker 1: I appreciate you making plans for us. Tomorrow is really 269 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,080 Speaker 1: going to be exhausting, and I know I'm going to 270 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,440 Speaker 1: need some downtime. Can you reschedule and we can work 271 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,520 Speaker 1: together to find a time that works for the both 272 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,960 Speaker 1: of us, and then your partner can just say, oh, wow, 273 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 1: I didn't realize that tomorrow is going to be a 274 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,520 Speaker 1: bad day. I will keep in mind that I need 275 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:44,160 Speaker 1: to check in with you moving forward, but like, yeah, sure, 276 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,680 Speaker 1: let's find another time. I want to add because sometimes 277 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,480 Speaker 1: why questions are really hard to avoid in therapy, and 278 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,640 Speaker 1: as a therapist, there's a time and a place to 279 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:54,280 Speaker 1: use those. So if you're listening to this and you're 280 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,480 Speaker 1: a therapist and you're like, I can't ever use that word, 281 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 1: you can use the word, but just be careful with 282 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,680 Speaker 1: how you're using it and also the tone in which 283 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,320 Speaker 1: it's coming up, in the space in which it's coming up. 284 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,360 Speaker 1: I often will say things like I wonder what drew 285 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,520 Speaker 1: you to this, or I'm curious about X. It's less 286 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:14,560 Speaker 1: judgmental and offers more just hey, I just want to 287 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,040 Speaker 1: know more about this. But when it comes to the 288 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 1: relational conflict, I would just say the wise too dangerous, 289 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,440 Speaker 1: So let's find a different way to communicate, because most 290 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,760 Speaker 1: of the time is not worth the risk of it 291 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:30,760 Speaker 1: getting us into that dance of defensiveness and explanation. Okay, 292 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:35,880 Speaker 1: so another way that criticism shows up is in making jokes. 293 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:40,400 Speaker 1: And I feel like this is pretty obvious if we're 294 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:51,360 Speaker 1: honest with ourselves. Joking is so often a passive, aggressive 295 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,400 Speaker 1: way to say what you want without actually having to 296 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:58,720 Speaker 1: be direct. Again, it's removing that vulnerability from the conversation, 297 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:03,080 Speaker 1: and especially if it's in front of other people, because 298 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,040 Speaker 1: a lot of this stuff isn't just in one on 299 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,240 Speaker 1: one conversations. You can say this in front of other people. 300 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 1: And if this is in front of other people, it 301 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,600 Speaker 1: can really feel embarrassing for your partner to be the 302 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 1: butt of their joke, and that doesn't feel good, and 303 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,760 Speaker 1: that causes hurt, and that creates another issue on top 304 00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:22,000 Speaker 1: of the original issue that you were coming to, but 305 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:26,760 Speaker 1: trying to come to without being vulnerable. And I got 306 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:29,359 Speaker 1: to admit, this is the one that I know I 307 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 1: show up with the most, and I actually have an 308 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:36,760 Speaker 1: example of this more recently. I thought about it as 309 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:41,040 Speaker 1: I was preparing for this last weekend. This was last weekend. 310 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,280 Speaker 1: I asked Patrick Too, my boyfriend, to vacuum the stairs, 311 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,600 Speaker 1: and he started a vacuum stairs, but the vacuum died. 312 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,439 Speaker 1: We have a cordless vacuum has to be charged. So 313 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,719 Speaker 1: he put the charger in the wall and plugged it in, 314 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 1: and then he left to go do something with his friends, 315 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:59,359 Speaker 1: and the vacuum didn't finish charging it until after he left. 316 00:17:59,359 --> 00:18:01,640 Speaker 1: And end up doing a couple other things around the house, 317 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,520 Speaker 1: and I ended up vacuum so I ended up doing 318 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:08,240 Speaker 1: the stairs myself. And I want to say, just to clarify, 319 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:11,680 Speaker 1: I really enjoy vacuum, since I've gotten this courtless vacuum 320 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,160 Speaker 1: and it has changed my life. I did not mind 321 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:18,440 Speaker 1: vacuum the stairs. However, I think there was this thought 322 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,399 Speaker 1: of I did ask Patrick to do this and he 323 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:23,640 Speaker 1: didn't finish it, and I am doing all these chores 324 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:26,720 Speaker 1: around the house and I want some help, and instead 325 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:30,120 Speaker 1: of actually sharing with him, like, hey, I did the stairs, 326 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,800 Speaker 1: so since I did that, can you help with this? 327 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,320 Speaker 1: Or like, I vacuum the stairs where you were gone 328 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,119 Speaker 1: because the vacuum was charged and I was doing some 329 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,480 Speaker 1: mother stuff, so could you maybe fold my laundry? I'm 330 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,679 Speaker 1: really tired. I could have said that, but instead I 331 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,800 Speaker 1: just made a joke, Like I think I said it 332 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:49,199 Speaker 1: pretty nonchalantly, like hey, I vacuum the stairs so you 333 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,359 Speaker 1: can get out of your chores today, or I vacuum 334 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:52,840 Speaker 1: the stairs, so you didn't have to do it. You 335 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:55,919 Speaker 1: got what you wanted. Made a joke, and remember him 336 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,600 Speaker 1: looking at me and saying something along the lines of 337 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,480 Speaker 1: I wasn't trying to get out of that. I would 338 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,520 Speaker 1: have done that when I got home. And that's just 339 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,680 Speaker 1: a really small example of I just make this joke 340 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:10,159 Speaker 1: when really I could have said, hey, I vacuumed the stairs. 341 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:13,000 Speaker 1: I want to feel like we are sharing the work 342 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:17,240 Speaker 1: at home, so can you do this? No, I just 343 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:20,000 Speaker 1: was my passive, aggressive self, So that one comes up 344 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,160 Speaker 1: a lot from me. It's pretty easy one to do. 345 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,880 Speaker 1: And again, what I missed there is it's not that 346 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,280 Speaker 1: my partner didn't want to help, it's that I didn't 347 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:33,280 Speaker 1: ask him appropriately. And then another way that the criticism 348 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:38,600 Speaker 1: can show up is in should statements. So the shoulds 349 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:41,159 Speaker 1: when we talk about this a lot in individual therapy, 350 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:44,680 Speaker 1: when someone has the case of the shoulds, we call 351 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:49,400 Speaker 1: it shooting on yourself, and there's a like a therapy joke, 352 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 1: stop shooting on yourself. It just doesn't feel good when 353 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,080 Speaker 1: you do that. It's a breeding ground for shame when 354 00:19:55,119 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 1: we continuously say I should have done this, or I 355 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,800 Speaker 1: should have done that, or I should do this, or 356 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,680 Speaker 1: it just feels we can't do things right and we 357 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,480 Speaker 1: should feel bad because we don't know the right way, 358 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,080 Speaker 1: or that we didn't know the right way in the moment, 359 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,160 Speaker 1: and when we should someone else, it can make someone 360 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,520 Speaker 1: else feel judged, and just like it does with ourselves, 361 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,719 Speaker 1: how we're judging ourselves. And then it brings again a 362 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,879 Speaker 1: breeding ground for shame. You should have known better means 363 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:22,199 Speaker 1: that there's something wrong with them or you for not 364 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:26,760 Speaker 1: realizing or knowing in the moment. And an example of 365 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,919 Speaker 1: this could be instead of saying you shouldn't load the 366 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:32,160 Speaker 1: dishwasher like that the dishes won't get clean, you could 367 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,480 Speaker 1: say something like, hey, I learned that if we line 368 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:37,199 Speaker 1: the cups up here and the bowls down here, the 369 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,639 Speaker 1: dishes will get more evenly rinsed. Do you want me 370 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,199 Speaker 1: to help you do that? So you're saying like, hey, 371 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,840 Speaker 1: I learned this thing and I want to share this 372 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:48,399 Speaker 1: knowledge with you, versus like you shouldn't do that, duh, 373 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,560 Speaker 1: you should know better, which is shaming and judgmental. And 374 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,680 Speaker 1: then the last thing I want to say about just 375 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,320 Speaker 1: identifying the ways that this stuff can show up is 376 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,439 Speaker 1: this is not at all inclusive lists. So there are 377 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,840 Speaker 1: other ways that it can show up. These are some 378 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,959 Speaker 1: main ways and some other ways that I didn't mention 379 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,920 Speaker 1: that I would just you know, think about when it 380 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,800 Speaker 1: comes to you and your behavior is noticing our nonverbal 381 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:15,159 Speaker 1: cues in our tone. So how we speak to someone 382 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,919 Speaker 1: and then how we behave can be other forms of 383 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:23,040 Speaker 1: just passive aggressive criticism. And like I said earlier, this 384 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,560 Speaker 1: is the first one because it usually comes first and 385 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,600 Speaker 1: if it isn't addressed, then it basically paves a road 386 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:32,080 Speaker 1: for the rest of the horsemen to follow. So now 387 00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:35,159 Speaker 1: if you're sitting there being like, yeah, I actually do this, 388 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,240 Speaker 1: my partner does this, and you're like freaking out, like, 389 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:41,360 Speaker 1: oh dang it, we're gonna go into the other horsemen 390 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:45,360 Speaker 1: and we're gonna die, don't worry, because this is why 391 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:48,280 Speaker 1: I'm doing this podcast. I'm here to help. Well, I 392 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,679 Speaker 1: really am here to share the help that John Gottman 393 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:55,240 Speaker 1: has given to us and brought to us. And the 394 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:58,600 Speaker 1: cool thing about him is that he doesn't just help 395 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,600 Speaker 1: identify these problems. He has done that, but he also 396 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:08,000 Speaker 1: offers solutions. And so once we can identify the maladaptive 397 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:12,359 Speaker 1: behavior that we have, we then can find a way out, 398 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,720 Speaker 1: and that is the antidote. So there are antidotes for 399 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:18,439 Speaker 1: all of these horsemen, and for criticism, the antidote is 400 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:24,040 Speaker 1: a gentle or sometimes called a soft startup. So instead 401 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:27,240 Speaker 1: of attacking your partner's character, you can create this gentle 402 00:22:27,359 --> 00:22:32,600 Speaker 1: startup using specifically I statements. And earlier I mentioned multiple 403 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:36,159 Speaker 1: times that criticism is different than complaints or critiques. Again, 404 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:40,200 Speaker 1: here's the difference. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, 405 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:45,520 Speaker 1: why criticism attacks a person's character. Now, complaints and critiques 406 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:48,480 Speaker 1: can still be hard to hear, and they can be 407 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:53,399 Speaker 1: hard to experience because they aren't affirmations, right, But we 408 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,679 Speaker 1: have to acknowledge these things because remember, the avoidance of 409 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 1: conflict isn't the issue. We're not trying to just get 410 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:02,239 Speaker 1: conflict away. It's how we manage it. How do we 411 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:06,439 Speaker 1: manage these uncomfortable hard spots that relationships are bound to have. 412 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:11,720 Speaker 1: And criticism often comes in times when we feel overwhelmed 413 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:15,600 Speaker 1: by something, which might just be a feeling, right overwhelmed 414 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,280 Speaker 1: by a feeling, and we want a solution then, and 415 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,240 Speaker 1: we want it right there, even if the current issue 416 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:24,120 Speaker 1: that we're bringing up doesn't seemingly feel like that big 417 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,360 Speaker 1: of a deal. We just want to fix us now, 418 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:29,840 Speaker 1: and so these criticisms come out. It's pretty harsh, and 419 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,440 Speaker 1: it's kind of like the straw that broke the camel's 420 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:36,000 Speaker 1: back kind of situation. And these moments, our emotional regulation 421 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,040 Speaker 1: gets a little spotty and we turn to what feels 422 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,000 Speaker 1: like the easy way out, the easy way to get 423 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:44,800 Speaker 1: a neat met and criticism really can be a bid 424 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,679 Speaker 1: for connection. We want to feel seen or heard by 425 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:51,760 Speaker 1: our partners, but because we do it with our defenses up, 426 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,680 Speaker 1: we create more space between us, so that bid for 427 00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:59,399 Speaker 1: connection actually backfires on us, and then we drive people 428 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:02,800 Speaker 1: away of inviting them in. And the gentle startup can 429 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:06,480 Speaker 1: be really hard to access if we've been letting something 430 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,119 Speaker 1: build and build and build and build and build and 431 00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:11,399 Speaker 1: build and pile up, because again that emotional regulation has 432 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,600 Speaker 1: a little spotty, and gentle startups are also hard when 433 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,600 Speaker 1: we feel worn down in general, like if we just 434 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,720 Speaker 1: are at a low and it has nothing to do 435 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,480 Speaker 1: with our partners, it's just something within us in our 436 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:25,760 Speaker 1: own lane. And I say all this because I wanted 437 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,480 Speaker 1: to throw in another friendly reminder that self care is 438 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:31,040 Speaker 1: crucial all of these things as we continue to talk 439 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,359 Speaker 1: about all of these horsemen and the antidotes to all 440 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 1: of them. Self care is really crucial here because we 441 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,639 Speaker 1: have to be taking care of ourselves and paying attention 442 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:41,560 Speaker 1: consistently versus just when it feels like a bomb is 443 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,760 Speaker 1: about to go off. Because if we just pay attention 444 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,200 Speaker 1: when the bomb is about to go off, it makes 445 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,040 Speaker 1: it really hard to use the antidote, and then we 446 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:51,680 Speaker 1: go into that criticism because we need that easy fix 447 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:54,080 Speaker 1: and we need it now. So again, the antidote for 448 00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:58,800 Speaker 1: criticism is using this gentle startup. In order to complain 449 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:03,960 Speaker 1: without and to avoid blame, we have to focus on 450 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:09,000 Speaker 1: eye statements versus you focus on your feelings eye statements 451 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,800 Speaker 1: and express what you need in a positive way. So 452 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:16,080 Speaker 1: instead of saying something like you never help around the house, 453 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,480 Speaker 1: you can try something like I feel really frustrated and 454 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:23,199 Speaker 1: lonely doing the dishes by myself, and I really need 455 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:26,120 Speaker 1: a break and sometime to relax. Will you do them 456 00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:28,800 Speaker 1: for me tonight? Or will you do them for us tonight? 457 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,040 Speaker 1: Or are you just say them? Will you do them tonight? 458 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,920 Speaker 1: And an easy formula if you're somebody that likes formulas 459 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,560 Speaker 1: and numbers and all of that. An easy formula to 460 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:42,880 Speaker 1: follow in this is to say, I feel about what 461 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:48,359 Speaker 1: I feel blank about what about blank? I need blank? 462 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:52,720 Speaker 1: So the Gentile startup starts with I feel and it 463 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:55,480 Speaker 1: leads into I need and then it asks in a 464 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:59,920 Speaker 1: respectful way your partner to fulfill that need. There's no blame, 465 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:05,040 Speaker 1: I mean, there's no critiquing, and it prevents this conversation 466 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:10,080 Speaker 1: from moving from a conversation into an argument. There's no 467 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,399 Speaker 1: need to defend. It just is saying, hey, I feel 468 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,240 Speaker 1: this and I really need this. Can you help me here? 469 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:18,880 Speaker 1: So let's talk about some basic tips. So we gave 470 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:21,040 Speaker 1: you the formula. If you want some basic tips to 471 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:24,720 Speaker 1: write down to help when using the Gentle startup, here 472 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:27,200 Speaker 1: they are. So one thing I want to encourage people 473 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:31,200 Speaker 1: to do is begin with something positive. People who have 474 00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:35,440 Speaker 1: mastered the Gentile startup and have mastered really effective communication 475 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,840 Speaker 1: with their partner really talk about how important it is 476 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:44,119 Speaker 1: to begin conversations with something positive. So if there is 477 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:48,040 Speaker 1: a complaint, if there is a critique, start with something positive. 478 00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:51,040 Speaker 1: I mean, we all know this with the compliment sandwich. 479 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:53,679 Speaker 1: When we're giving feedback to people in the workplace, it 480 00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:57,639 Speaker 1: can be kind of similar right here. So instead of saying, again, 481 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,560 Speaker 1: you never help with the dishes, you can say, hey, 482 00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:03,680 Speaker 1: I really enjoyed when you wash the dishes the other 483 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:05,880 Speaker 1: night and I dried them and put them away. That 484 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:07,680 Speaker 1: was fun and I felt like we were a team, 485 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:11,600 Speaker 1: and I really need some help tonight, So can we 486 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,840 Speaker 1: do that again? And then your partner will probably say sure, 487 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:20,320 Speaker 1: So again begin with something positive. Another thing to remember 488 00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:25,280 Speaker 1: and add to these things is express appreciation and gratitude. 489 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:28,040 Speaker 1: So if we're going to complain again, it's kind of 490 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:31,400 Speaker 1: the same same idea with a compliment sandwich. If we're 491 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,880 Speaker 1: going to offer these complaints and critiques, do it gently, 492 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,440 Speaker 1: like remind them that they I'm not just throwing out 493 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,919 Speaker 1: all of these things that I don't like about you. 494 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,640 Speaker 1: I'm doing this because there are things I like about you. 495 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:45,760 Speaker 1: So you can say something like I was so grateful 496 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:48,320 Speaker 1: and felt so cared for when you help me fold 497 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:51,679 Speaker 1: the laundry last weekend when I was really exhausted, and 498 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:55,280 Speaker 1: I'm feeling really overwhelmed today after work, So can you 499 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:59,159 Speaker 1: take care of that tonight for me? Super easy, super simple? 500 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,600 Speaker 1: And then another thing to remember, this is really important. 501 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:04,960 Speaker 1: It's why you. We're going to hear this multiple times. 502 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,600 Speaker 1: Start with iye instead of you, so I statements instead 503 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:10,520 Speaker 1: of saying, you do this, and you do that, and 504 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,320 Speaker 1: you do this, and you do that, and then you 505 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,840 Speaker 1: you you, it's I feel so instead of saying something 506 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:19,760 Speaker 1: like you prioritize playing golf with your friends over making 507 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:23,000 Speaker 1: plans with me on the weekends. Right, that's a thought 508 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:26,399 Speaker 1: that I've had in my head before. You prioritize playing 509 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,199 Speaker 1: golf with your friends, that we're making plans with me 510 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,240 Speaker 1: on the weekends. Well, I don't know, we don't know 511 00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:33,760 Speaker 1: if that's true, and that's also not really getting to 512 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,000 Speaker 1: the point. So you can say instead, to make that 513 00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:39,280 Speaker 1: an eye statement, I really loved that date we went 514 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:43,120 Speaker 1: on last Saturday during the day, and I really want 515 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:46,200 Speaker 1: us to plan something like that once a week or 516 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:49,320 Speaker 1: once every other week. Right, So instead of saying you're 517 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:52,080 Speaker 1: doing this, it's I actually really want to spend more 518 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,560 Speaker 1: time with you, and I want to make sure that 519 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 1: we have that in our schedule before we start. You 520 00:28:57,360 --> 00:28:59,560 Speaker 1: know how life is, somebody asked you to do something, Sure, 521 00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:02,280 Speaker 1: I have nothing on schedule. So it's not about prioritizing. 522 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:04,360 Speaker 1: It's just that oh I didn't know, and then my 523 00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:09,000 Speaker 1: schedules filled up, and with all of those, remember do 524 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:13,120 Speaker 1: not just wait until you're about to blow. It's really 525 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:16,280 Speaker 1: hard even if you do this with eye statements, even 526 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:18,480 Speaker 1: if you do this with gratitude, if you do this 527 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:21,720 Speaker 1: leading with positives, if you are then giving a list 528 00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:25,680 Speaker 1: of complaints, it's really hard for somebody to hear that 529 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:29,520 Speaker 1: and to really understand what it is that you're asking for, 530 00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:31,680 Speaker 1: because then it just kind of still feels like an 531 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:35,960 Speaker 1: attack even though it's not criticism. So try to do 532 00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:39,200 Speaker 1: this in the moment right, or maybe not in the moment, 533 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:42,560 Speaker 1: but one at a time, or it can be two things. 534 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:45,560 Speaker 1: But we don't need to go into a conversation like 535 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:47,400 Speaker 1: this with a laundry list of things that we didn't 536 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:49,720 Speaker 1: like that our partner did. And again, as you hear this, 537 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:52,200 Speaker 1: you can think to yourself, oh, yeah, I wouldn't like that, 538 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:54,040 Speaker 1: so why would my partner want me to do that? 539 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:57,080 Speaker 1: And then another thing to remember is when you are 540 00:29:57,120 --> 00:30:00,520 Speaker 1: doing this, when you're going to somebody and you're using 541 00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:03,480 Speaker 1: this antidote and you are coming into somebody with this 542 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:07,120 Speaker 1: gentle startup, just because you're being gentle doesn't mean you're 543 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:13,560 Speaker 1: being submissive, So be assertive. There is a difference between aggression, assertiveness, 544 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:17,440 Speaker 1: and submission. There is this middle ground, and I can 545 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:20,560 Speaker 1: be really assertive and be really kind. And when we're 546 00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:23,880 Speaker 1: aggressive or we are just like too dainty and submissive 547 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:29,520 Speaker 1: with our requests, it leads to unclear communication and unhealthy communication. 548 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:33,920 Speaker 1: And so to be assertive, be clear as directly for 549 00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:37,200 Speaker 1: what you want. Humans, even your partners that know you 550 00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:40,240 Speaker 1: really well, don't tend to read your mind all the 551 00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:43,000 Speaker 1: time and even most of the time, and then show 552 00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:46,880 Speaker 1: up with confidence. So come into these conversations knowing what 553 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:50,080 Speaker 1: my feelings are really valid and what I need is 554 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,920 Speaker 1: really important and I'm worth asking for that. So move 555 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:56,960 Speaker 1: into these conversations with confidence. And something that is coming 556 00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:58,959 Speaker 1: up for me right now as I'm talking to all 557 00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:03,000 Speaker 1: of this is It's sounds easy and it is simple, 558 00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:06,720 Speaker 1: but it's not always easy because what you're doing when 559 00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:10,880 Speaker 1: you're using this antidote to the criticism is you're shifting 560 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:13,200 Speaker 1: from focusing on what we think is wrong with somebody 561 00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:16,920 Speaker 1: or maybe just this thing that we use to avoid. 562 00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:19,880 Speaker 1: Right we might not even really think there's this thing 563 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:22,800 Speaker 1: wrong with that person, but you're shifting from focusing on 564 00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:25,280 Speaker 1: this thing that we say is wrong with somebody to 565 00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:29,680 Speaker 1: your own feelings, and that might bring up some really 566 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:37,240 Speaker 1: uncomfortable stuff, experiences of feeling unheard or unappreciated, experiencing being misunderstood, 567 00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:41,840 Speaker 1: and that's not fun and it's not easy. So this 568 00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:44,160 Speaker 1: stuff that we're talking about is simple, and that's why 569 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:47,360 Speaker 1: I like it. But give yourself some grace and some 570 00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:52,240 Speaker 1: extra care because it is not easy to do this. However, 571 00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:54,560 Speaker 1: if we don't pay attention to these things, we do 572 00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:58,400 Speaker 1: not give ourselves a fair shot to change the narrative 573 00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:01,880 Speaker 1: of whatever story is in our head that makes us 574 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:05,680 Speaker 1: even want to focus on that other person's behavior rather 575 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,760 Speaker 1: than our own feelings and what we need. Again, the 576 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:11,520 Speaker 1: thing we cannot avoid in order to have a healthy 577 00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:16,560 Speaker 1: relationship is vulnerability. You must be vulnerable in your relationship 578 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:19,480 Speaker 1: for it to work. And we have to make a 579 00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:23,720 Speaker 1: conscious shift from what we don't like externally to what's 580 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:27,000 Speaker 1: happening internally with us so we can actually ask for 581 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:31,760 Speaker 1: what we need and manage our conflict wealth. Without this shift, 582 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:34,800 Speaker 1: you are going to continue to do this dance of 583 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:38,600 Speaker 1: protection and defense from one person to the other, and 584 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,680 Speaker 1: then both parties will be trying to combat each other 585 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:43,719 Speaker 1: versus help each other get their needs met in an 586 00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:48,440 Speaker 1: appropriate way. So that is the first horsemen, that is 587 00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:53,080 Speaker 1: criticism and the antidote to it, as told by John Gottman. 588 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:58,240 Speaker 1: Next week we are going to go into the second horseman, contempt, 589 00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:02,640 Speaker 1: which a little cliff hanger here is the strongest predictor 590 00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:07,560 Speaker 1: of divorce when it is prevalent in relationships, So you 591 00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:10,560 Speaker 1: will learn more about that next Monday. Thank you guys 592 00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:12,920 Speaker 1: for being here and being in this conversation with me. 593 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:15,960 Speaker 1: As always, if you have questions, feedback, whatever it is, 594 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,880 Speaker 1: you can send that to Catherine at you Need Therapy 595 00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:22,920 Speaker 1: podcast dot com. You can follow me on Instagram at 596 00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:25,640 Speaker 1: Kat dot de fada, where you'll see more of just 597 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:29,000 Speaker 1: my life and the podcast at you Need Therapy Podcast 598 00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:33,680 Speaker 1: if you want more therapy content and podcast content. I 599 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:36,360 Speaker 1: hope you guys are having the day, the week, the hour, 600 00:33:36,600 --> 00:33:38,840 Speaker 1: the moment you need to have, and I will be 601 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:41,640 Speaker 1: back with you on Wednesday for couch Talks