Speaker 1: Hell I Suck At Dating with the Ungler and Jared
Speaker 1: Haven and I heard radio podcast What's going on? Everyone?
Speaker 1: Welcome to an all new episode of Help I Suck
Speaker 1: At Dating. This is Dean unglerd guest hosting this episode
Speaker 1: with the lovely star of Help I Suck a Dating,
Speaker 1: Jared Haven. Ladies and gentlemen, who might I just give
Speaker 1: Jared a quick silent round of applause real quick. Got
Speaker 1: his signs up on autre today per Instagram. At least
Speaker 1: that's right now, They're up. They're up and good to go. Dude.
Speaker 1: It was cool. So anyway, for anybody who doesn't follow
Speaker 1: me on Instagram, which if you listen to this podcast
Speaker 1: and you don't follow me, it's totally cool. But like
Speaker 1: you can also follow me because it really helps me out. Uh.
Speaker 1: I'm opening the coffee shop Audrey's Coffeehouse and Lounge in
Speaker 1: South Kingston, Rhode Island. And we got the sign up,
Speaker 1: which has been you know, a lengthy process, you know,
Speaker 1: coming up with first of all the name of it
Speaker 1: and articulating it after after figuring out was Audrey's, It's like, okay,
Speaker 1: well is it gonna be Audrey's Cafe? Is it gonna
Speaker 1: be Audrey's Coffee Lounge? Is it gonna be Audrey's you know,
Speaker 1: cafe and bar? And so we finally came up with
Speaker 1: Audrey's Coffee House and Lounge. And then we've been working
Speaker 1: on the logo, going back and forth, figuring out the font.
Speaker 1: You man, you don't know how many fonts there are
Speaker 1: in the world until you're trying to figure out a logo.
Speaker 1: So going back and forth and that was a while,
Speaker 1: and then coming up with the rose as the apostrophe,
Speaker 1: and picking out different types of roses, what it was
Speaker 1: gonna look like. Finally getting that in there, and then
Speaker 1: sending it to the sign company, and then obviously creating
Speaker 1: the sign, getting it shipped over here, and then getting
Speaker 1: it put up in place. You know, it's probably like
Speaker 1: a three or four month process, and it just it
Speaker 1: makes it feel so much real. Every time I drive to,
Speaker 1: you know, the coffee shop, now it says Audrey's Coffee
Speaker 1: House and Lounge on the outside, and it makes me
Speaker 1: very proud. So it's cool, man, I'm excited. Um, what
Speaker 1: about the inside, how's the inside coming along? It's coming along, man,
Speaker 1: Tons of furniture in there. We've got a lot of equipment.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not saying anything that you know, people
Speaker 1: already don't know, but there's obviously a huge issue with
Speaker 1: manufacturing right now. Cargo ships can't enter the States, and
Speaker 1: everybody's behind and doesn't have product, and they don't have
Speaker 1: enough people to work, and it's just it's pretty crazy
Speaker 1: right now. And so what usually takes a week takes
Speaker 1: you know, five weeks now, and everybody's behind. It's not
Speaker 1: just me. So it's coming along with the equipment, furniture,
Speaker 1: and then you know, I have electricians and plumbers and
Speaker 1: installation people coming in and out every day. I actually
Speaker 1: just left there and then I gotta go back right
Speaker 1: after this podcast. But dude, honestly, every aspect of it
Speaker 1: so far, except for the past week. The past week
Speaker 1: has been a little overwhelming, but I love it. It's
Speaker 1: been so much fun, you know, creating this concept, figuring
Speaker 1: out what we're gonna do, how we're gonna sell things,
Speaker 1: how the operation is going to be run, you know,
Speaker 1: bringing generous coffee and so having been being a part
Speaker 1: of it in a way, having you guys be a
Speaker 1: part of it, kind of come up with, you know, drinks.
Speaker 1: I was gonna ask you this too. I told you
Speaker 1: I think a couple of weeks ago, but I want,
Speaker 1: you know, all of our bachelor friends to come up
Speaker 1: with some sort of quote about dating or relationships, and uh,
Speaker 1: we'll have cards, you know, and it will be like,
Speaker 1: you know, a quote about love from Dean Angler. And
Speaker 1: obviously it would be something silly and stupid, because you know,
Speaker 1: I've already got mine. What's it gonna be. It's gonna
Speaker 1: be coffee is like dating. You gotta try it. All
Speaker 1: that is awesome. Yeah at Dean anglert Um perfect. So dude, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's been cool, man, it's been fun. Um. Caylin asked
Speaker 1: me this yesterday. I didn't have an answer for her.
Speaker 1: She wanted to know when it uh tentatively is going
Speaker 1: to be opening, hopefully later this month. As long as
Speaker 1: things get into place and we're ready to rock and roll.
Speaker 1: I can't imagine that we wouldn't open by the latest
Speaker 1: early November, because you guys want to be able to
Speaker 1: strike hot with pumpkin spice latte season among us. Oh
Speaker 1: of course, man, We're gonna have so much pumpkin and
Speaker 1: eggnog flavors and caramel and chocolate and whatever else. Ashley wants.
Speaker 1: I thought it was gonna be February for some reason.
Speaker 1: I don't know why, but I guess when I saw
Speaker 1: your video of the inside and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's like still pretty far away from being finished. So
Speaker 1: that was about two months prior that video I took
Speaker 1: about two and a half months ago, and um, it's
Speaker 1: a lot different now and I'm excited to show people
Speaker 1: new floors, new paint, uh, furnitures in their more equipment.
Speaker 1: We actually had our computer system installed today and um,
Speaker 1: it's definitely scary. I'm not gonna lie. What is it
Speaker 1: like building out a business as an influencer? Are you
Speaker 1: able to like partner with furniture companies to like furnish
Speaker 1: the inside of the I was telling Ashley this yesterday.
Speaker 1: I don't know how anybody's doing anything without Instagram following.
Speaker 1: Right now, I feel so grateful and blessed and appreciative.
Speaker 1: I always have been of people that choose to follow
Speaker 1: me on social media, just as I know you are.
Speaker 1: Were like, I don't know why people follow us, but
Speaker 1: I feel incredibly lucky that they do because it helps
Speaker 1: me out so much. Even dude, so hiring is obviously
Speaker 1: very difficult for a lot of business owners out there.
Speaker 1: Ashley has posted two things on Instagram and I've gotten
Speaker 1: like twenty resumes just from that, and I've interviewed them
Speaker 1: all and they're all great, and they're all excited to
Speaker 1: work there. And you know a lot of that also
Speaker 1: comes from them being fans of the show and an
Speaker 1: opportunity to work with us. But that's fine by me.
Speaker 1: And and it's just, you know, I've been able to
Speaker 1: even post things on on like even when I post
Speaker 1: videos of like the coffee shop, people DM me and
Speaker 1: be like, hey, I do this if you want anything
Speaker 1: or you need help. And like somebody reached out to
Speaker 1: Ashley when she posted something on Instagram. Uh, and she's
Speaker 1: gonna do. We just hired her to do a mural
Speaker 1: inside the coffee shop and she created this beautiful, beautiful
Speaker 1: um landscape and it's just and like, I would never
Speaker 1: have I would never have found her had she not
Speaker 1: reached out after Ashley posted that thing. So it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't even know who to reach out to.
Speaker 1: And I've been so lucky that people reach out to
Speaker 1: me sometimes. Um, yeah, that's funny that you say that.
Speaker 1: I definitely agree Kaylin has done a great job of
Speaker 1: decorator in house as well, and a lot of that
Speaker 1: has been through business partnerships that she's gotten. So I
Speaker 1: mean we're definitely one of the some of the lucky
Speaker 1: ones out there. Umah, yeah, that's what's like the starting
Speaker 1: wage for barista. And I'm asking because I might consider
Speaker 1: applying as well. You're gonna have Amy Unis on later,
Speaker 1: and she talks a lot about women in transition after divorce.
Speaker 1: I want to know, like, if I were to transition
Speaker 1: from being a quote unquote influencer to like wanting to
Speaker 1: be a barista, what could I expect for my my pay. Well,
Speaker 1: so we are coffee house and lounge, so you'd be
Speaker 1: a baristas slash bartender, which is totally cool. I'll cross
Speaker 1: train you. It's gonna be super easy, you know, Deane,
Speaker 1: since we're friends, we go way back, you know, I'll
Speaker 1: give you. I'll start your offense like eight. That's so
Speaker 1: generous of you. I'll give you a really good compensation,
Speaker 1: make sure you enjoy the job. You can't collect tips.
Speaker 1: All the tips go to make but a fifty an hour.
Speaker 1: I'll start yet and we'll see how you go. Maybe
Speaker 1: we'll bump you up in three years to eight sixty um.
Speaker 1: For for reference everyone that's listening to this podcast, that's
Speaker 1: a three dollars below the Rhode Island minimum wage, which
Speaker 1: is eleven fifties. So I appreciate that, and we're not
Speaker 1: going to talk about that. We're fine. This is my
Speaker 1: minimum wage. This is the bachelor minimum, which very generous. Man,
Speaker 1: the minimum wages eleven fifty. I wit, like, I know,
Speaker 1: the minimum wage in the and the minimum like living
Speaker 1: wage are way different. Obviously, back when we were like
Speaker 1: working those types of jobs like hospitality or in restaurants.
Speaker 1: Minimum wage back then, I can't remember what it was
Speaker 1: for me in Colorado Springs, but I want to say
Speaker 1: it was like a six dollars and cents. Oh yeah, man,
Speaker 1: I remember my first job at the Hollywood Video I
Speaker 1: think I was making like seven bucks an hour. Granted
Speaker 1: that was you know, it's a fifteen years ago. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, so I just wow, my, I just I
Speaker 1: just threw up into my mouth a little bit because
Speaker 1: I was about to say like ten years ago, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, nope, that was fifth teen years ago when
Speaker 1: I got hired at that job. It's definitely It's definitely
Speaker 1: good that it keeps going up. I think there should
Speaker 1: be like a minimum living wage, right and that is
Speaker 1: definitely not higher than what it was when we were kids.
Speaker 1: But man, it's crazy to think that we used to
Speaker 1: work for absolute peanuts and well we were sixteen. Man, Like, dude,
Speaker 1: if I got seventy bucks a week, I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm rich. I'm going like, We're going out to Domino's tonight.
Speaker 1: What do we want to talk about this episode? Jared
Speaker 1: Phillison on what we what we have in store? So
Speaker 1: of course we have. We have two guests that are
Speaker 1: coming up. One is Amy UTIs, who is a life
Speaker 1: coach uh specifically she helps women um date after divorce.
Speaker 1: She is a woman of divorce and she has been
Speaker 1: in relationships since her divorce, long term relationships, including pretty
Speaker 1: much jumping into a five year relationship immediately following her divorce.
Speaker 1: So she's gonna come on talk about that. And we
Speaker 1: also have a buddy of mind coming on the podcast
Speaker 1: a little bit later. He's a cancer survivor. His name
Speaker 1: is Cody O'Connor. Now he has an incredible story. This
Speaker 1: dude is walking literally early across the country. He started
Speaker 1: back in June in New York and he's walking all
Speaker 1: the way from New York to Los Angeles. He should
Speaker 1: be in l A by about Christmas time. I think
Speaker 1: he's in Kansas City right now. And he's doing it
Speaker 1: to raise money for pediatric cancer patients. So he's a
Speaker 1: survivor of cancer. He wanted to give back in any
Speaker 1: way he could, and he I forget what type of
Speaker 1: cancer he had, excuse me, but he was told at
Speaker 1: one point in his life that he was never gonna
Speaker 1: walk again, which is why he came up with this walk,
Speaker 1: and he ended up to find the odds started walking.
Speaker 1: Now he's cancer free, and he always had this idea
Speaker 1: of because the doctors told me I would never be
Speaker 1: able to walk, I want to walk across the country.
Speaker 1: And he's doing it to try to raise money for
Speaker 1: pediatric cancer families, cancer patients and their families. And this
Speaker 1: dude is so inspiring. I've talked to him a few times.
Speaker 1: I didn't Instagram Live with them. Ben is the one
Speaker 1: who actually put me in contact with him. So he's
Speaker 1: gonna come on a little bit later and just give
Speaker 1: us a little bit of a lowdown of his story
Speaker 1: where he's at, how he's feeling. I mean, the dude
Speaker 1: literally is walking across the country. It's insane and he's
Speaker 1: doing some great things. But before we get to our two,
Speaker 1: guess I do have well we have some hot topics
Speaker 1: my friend. Uh yeah, before we get to the hot
Speaker 1: topics quick, for the record, it's it was bone cancer,
Speaker 1: bone cancer? Thank you? Yes? Um wow, this is an
Speaker 1: interesting segway talk about like we're gonna talk about Megan
Speaker 1: King and uh connected with cuff Owens on a dating app.
Speaker 1: First of all, do we know who tough Owens is?
Speaker 1: Follow up question? Do we know who Megan King is? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Of course Megan King's got she used to be. Where's
Speaker 1: that am I thinking of? Who's Jim Edmond's ex wife? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Megan King? Thank you? All right? You know Jim Edmonds? Right?
Speaker 1: I don't at all know the baseball player Jim Edmonds.
Speaker 1: He played baseball center fielder for the Okay, why is
Speaker 1: Jim Emmen so famous? I mean I know he's a ballplayer,
Speaker 1: but like, why was they on Were they on a
Speaker 1: reality TV show or something? Oh, she was a housewife,
Speaker 1: ash So Ashley's yelling from the other room. God, she's
Speaker 1: so good at context. So Megan was a real housewife.
Speaker 1: Jim was a baseball player. He was dude, you remember
Speaker 1: this guy. He used to make like top ten plays
Speaker 1: all the time, full extension diving plays. I think he
Speaker 1: was a center fielder for the Cardinals. But I digress.
Speaker 1: So he married a real housewife. Maybe that's why they're famous. Anyway,
Speaker 1: So Megan and Jim are divorced, and now she's dating
Speaker 1: this dude named cuff Owens, who apparently in this article
Speaker 1: says that he is the son of President Joe Biden. Oh, okay,
Speaker 1: they just got married. Wait. Wait, cuff Owens Joe Biden's nephew,
Speaker 1: according to People dot Com. Okay, so he's his nephew. Okay.
Speaker 1: I was like, it's definitely not his son. Okay, So
Speaker 1: cuff Owens is the nephew of President Joe Biden. Megan
Speaker 1: King just married him, and they apparently met each other's
Speaker 1: family after one week of dating, which is at the
Speaker 1: core of what we're getting at here. So apparently they
Speaker 1: met online, they connected on a dating app, they texted
Speaker 1: for a day two, and then they spent five straight
Speaker 1: hours on the phone when they first spoke. Now, this
Speaker 1: is where it gets a little Craig Craig. So by
Speaker 1: the time that call ended, their first phone call ever,
Speaker 1: after five hours, Cuff was booked and packed for a
Speaker 1: flight to St. Louis. That took off an eight hours,
Speaker 1: and within a week they were both back on the
Speaker 1: East Coast together, meeting his family and starting to plan
Speaker 1: their future together. That's crazy. So they just got married
Speaker 1: on Monday, small ceremony at their home. I'm curious how
Speaker 1: long they were dating before they got married. A month.
Speaker 1: They were dating a month, man, I thank god you're here, Ashley.
Speaker 1: He's got the inside and phone everything. So they were mad.
Speaker 1: So they were together for a month, started talking about
Speaker 1: their future after eight days of knowing each other, including
Speaker 1: him booking a flight after the first phone call, and
Speaker 1: now they're married. This is gonna end disastrously. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: it's definitely gonna end disastrously. You can't marry someone after
Speaker 1: that short amount of time. Apparently. I was just doing
Speaker 1: a quick research on him on exact networth dot com
Speaker 1: Cuff owens, although his net worth is unknown, he's an
Speaker 1: attorney in Los Angeles and he's forty two years old,
Speaker 1: and that's all I was really able to gather on him. Hey,
Speaker 1: listen when you know, you know it sounds like Megan King, Um,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't. I don't watch these um real
Speaker 1: Housewives of Whatever shows. Kalen Kylin does, and I, you know,
Speaker 1: from time to time I'll sit down and watch for
Speaker 1: a little bit. You sound like every guy that's ever
Speaker 1: approached us. And it was like, you know, I don't
Speaker 1: watch the show, my wife does. And then you start
Speaker 1: talking to him and they know everything about the show. No, no,
Speaker 1: no, no no, no. This this is different because I know
Speaker 1: absolutely nothing. All I know about the show is that, Um,
Speaker 1: how do I how do I say this delicately? Like
Speaker 1: the people? The people on that show, the Real Housewives particularly,
Speaker 1: are very eccentric and they're they're just they just go
Speaker 1: about living life a little bit differently than everyone else.
Speaker 1: And so the fact that she's marrying this guy after
Speaker 1: a month is, um, it's surprising. But then you take
Speaker 1: into account that she's a real housewife of whatever, and
Speaker 1: it becomes a little bit more understandable because that's kind
Speaker 1: of exactly the type of behavior I would expect from
Speaker 1: those people on that show. They could be nice and
Speaker 1: all that kind of stuff, but they are nice. I've
Speaker 1: met Megan, she's extremely nice. Yeah, I just um, they
Speaker 1: just they're just they're just they live life by the
Speaker 1: beat of their own drum, you know. Yeah, it's just
Speaker 1: very impulsive because yeah, okay, Ash, how long were Megan
Speaker 1: King and Jim Emmons married for? Okay, so they so
Speaker 1: she was married for four or five years. They got
Speaker 1: a divorce a few years ago. I remember that was
Speaker 1: a couple of years ago at least. And I feel
Speaker 1: like Megan King would know better than anybody to not
Speaker 1: rush into anything like this because who would want to
Speaker 1: get divorced again? Who knows? Who knows? I feel weird
Speaker 1: commenting on this type of stuff because again, like I
Speaker 1: have no real will understanding of the situation. But it's
Speaker 1: just it's like all a little a little wonky, right,
Speaker 1: Like you can't help but think something is is is
Speaker 1: missing or misfiring because you don't you just don't. You
Speaker 1: just don't go up and get married to someone after
Speaker 1: a month. But at the end of the day too,
Speaker 1: like on the flip side of it, I feel like
Speaker 1: if you talk to your grandparents, you they're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I knew the day that I met her that she
Speaker 1: was the one I was going to spend the rest
Speaker 1: of my life with and we got married a week
Speaker 1: later in a barn down a mile away from the house.
Speaker 1: You know, you're like, it's so romantic nowadays. We're like
Speaker 1: in the moment, we're like, what, that's weird. You know,
Speaker 1: you bring up a valid point, my friend. Plus, here's
Speaker 1: two guys from a bachelor franchise saying that someone shouldn't
Speaker 1: get married after a month when we were on shows
Speaker 1: where you propose to someone after knowing that after me
Speaker 1: and a half weeks. So although neither of us did that,
Speaker 1: so I do think that gives us a little more
Speaker 1: of a of a cushion to talk about, you know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: even when producers asked him to right, producers asked you too,
Speaker 1: and you said me, my friend, we all saw the
Speaker 1: US Weekly headlines last week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love um.
Speaker 1: It's so much fun when a little off handed comments
Speaker 1: I make on this podcast gets run by those magazines
Speaker 1: and then uh, people take to Twitter and Instagram and
Speaker 1: just you know, say really mean things about me. But
Speaker 1: it is what it is. This, this is the this
Speaker 1: is the world we signed up to live in. And
Speaker 1: I guess it pays the bill. So that's all that's
Speaker 1: all that matters to me. Yeah, we put our Herbie
Speaker 1: Hancock's signature on that thing a long time ago. My friend,
Speaker 1: one more hot topic before we move on. Uh So
Speaker 1: this is an article from Bustle. It's most relationships and
Speaker 1: but that doesn't mean they were a failure. There are
Speaker 1: many benchmarks for measuring the quote success of a relationship.
Speaker 1: With this in mind, marriage or otherwise being together forever
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be the golden standard of what we
Speaker 1: want with someone and beat ourselves up for losing. The
Speaker 1: goal of love can just be having a nice time.
Speaker 1: It can be letting yourself feel things you haven't felt
Speaker 1: in a long time or have never felt before. This
Speaker 1: perspective isn't just to ease the pain from breakups as
Speaker 1: they happen. It is also to help make the best
Speaker 1: choices in the present moment. There is no prize for
Speaker 1: staying in a relationship longer than you really want to
Speaker 1: just because you're afraid to quote fail or don't want
Speaker 1: to confront nose, confront annoying relatives during the holidays, regardless
Speaker 1: of how things come to a close. When the goal
Speaker 1: is love for love instead of love for always, a
Speaker 1: relationships end doesn't spell failure. Breaking up doesn't mean you
Speaker 1: wasted your time or theirs, and moving in different directions
Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily lessen the beauty of the time when you
Speaker 1: were in the same place. Do you agree with that? I?
Speaker 1: I do agree with it. I think that there are certain,
Speaker 1: um like certain caveats to that type of thinking. But
Speaker 1: I would say, like, there's no such thing as a
Speaker 1: as a wasted moment, because like every moment is a
Speaker 1: learning opportunity. Like that's kind of essentially what they're saying.
Speaker 1: It sounds like, um and I agree with that. Like,
Speaker 1: you know, you wouldn't be in your great relationship with
Speaker 1: Ashley if you didn't have all of those quote unquote
Speaker 1: fail relationships with people beforehand. And same with me with Kaylin.
Speaker 1: You know, like I've I've definitely had a lot of
Speaker 1: uh in the moment. Maybe they felt like bad relationships,
Speaker 1: but they kind of acted as learning experiences for me.
Speaker 1: And I think as long as you approach those types
Speaker 1: of things with that mentality of like, oh, yeah, that
Speaker 1: really sucked, but now I know what I don't want
Speaker 1: for the next time. You know, it's it's it's it's
Speaker 1: just kind of flipping your perspective is what it sounds like, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I couldn't agree more. I never thought I never understood
Speaker 1: why people would say, oh, it was such a waste
Speaker 1: of time, I wasted three years on that person. No,
Speaker 1: you didn't, and you had so many different experiences and
Speaker 1: you learned, you loved, you grew, you just lived life people.
Speaker 1: That's what it's all about, living life. Uh. And this
Speaker 1: is actually a good segue because we're going to talk
Speaker 1: to Amy about you know, quote unquote time wasted after
Speaker 1: you know, she got divorced, and I wonder if she
Speaker 1: feels like her time was wasted at all. But that's
Speaker 1: a conversation when Amy is here. I will say that
Speaker 1: there are, um and I'm sure you would agree with this,
Speaker 1: there are certain situations, like you know, talking about like
Speaker 1: abusive situations where you're like, okay, that wasn't that was
Speaker 1: an absolute waste? Well, yeah, that's an extreme. I mean,
Speaker 1: if you're talking about any type of physical especially physical,
Speaker 1: but emotional abuse too within a relationship, yeah, that's that's
Speaker 1: a whole different. Then you're allowed to say you wasted
Speaker 1: a couple of years of your life if you were
Speaker 1: with someone that was doing that kind of stuff. Yeah
Speaker 1: a jerk. Um. But like I said, we have Amy
Speaker 1: coming up next, So before she comes on, let's take
Speaker 1: a quick break. All right, welcome back to help I
Speaker 1: suck at dating of course, Dean myself, and we're joined
Speaker 1: by a very special guest. Uh. She is a dating
Speaker 1: health coach. Uh. Well let me how about this. It's Amy.
Speaker 1: You just ladies and gentlemen, and Amy tell us who
Speaker 1: you are? Awesome? Uh and you got the last name right.
Speaker 1: So first of all, thank you for that. I have
Speaker 1: to I have to really think the producers for that.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. Uh. So thank you both for
Speaker 1: having me. Very nice to meet you, and I have
Speaker 1: to tell you my seventeen year old daughter is a
Speaker 1: huge fan of you both. Um. I am a life coach.
Speaker 1: I have done some matchmaking in my tenure and then
Speaker 1: also my day job is a recruiter. So just my
Speaker 1: kind of path through life right now is um connecting
Speaker 1: people either you know, with their careers or romantically, uh,
Speaker 1: and then talking to people about what's going on with
Speaker 1: them in their in their lives outside of work as well.
Speaker 1: So um. But also I'm a divorced woman and I
Speaker 1: think that that's part of what we're talking about today. So, UM,
Speaker 1: I'm here to talk about dating after after divorce or
Speaker 1: or drawing from your own experience. You know, how difficult
Speaker 1: was it for you and how long did it take
Speaker 1: after your divorce to start dating? Well, I started dating
Speaker 1: pretty quick and and I don't I think that that
Speaker 1: is a UM, it definitely depends on the person, um
Speaker 1: and the couple oftentimes as you both I'm sure can
Speaker 1: imagine one to break up. Once it's time for someone
Speaker 1: to break up, it's been dead for quite a long
Speaker 1: a long time. So um, it was a few months
Speaker 1: for me, uh, dipped right back into a very serious
Speaker 1: relationship for a few years that ended up not working out,
Speaker 1: and then, um, my path has been like this ever since.
Speaker 1: So um, and I've been divorced for almost a decade.
Speaker 1: So what's your take on the rule there isn't that
Speaker 1: they're that breakup rule where however many years you guys dated,
Speaker 1: that's how many months you should wait until you start
Speaker 1: dating again. What's your take on that rule? I think
Speaker 1: that you should, Um, that rule should be flown out
Speaker 1: the window. UM, just fold it into like a paper plane.
Speaker 1: My experience, you know, I had a very long relationship.
Speaker 1: I was in a relationship for five years that just
Speaker 1: ended this past June, UM, and I thought that was it.
Speaker 1: I thought, Okay, we're locked and loaded for life. And
Speaker 1: it's been way easier to get over than most of
Speaker 1: my other, um, major relationships. And I think it's because
Speaker 1: I know myself really well at this point. So UM,
Speaker 1: I think that the longer you live and the more
Speaker 1: you kind of understand who you are when it comes
Speaker 1: to relationships, you can kind of show up differently as
Speaker 1: time goes on. I've got a question for those types
Speaker 1: of relationships. And I imagine that five year relationship that
Speaker 1: wasn't your marriage, right, that was a separate one separate.
Speaker 1: So so for a relationship like that, and it's just
Speaker 1: I guess, forgive my naivete, because it's really all it
Speaker 1: is with this one. What at what point do you
Speaker 1: start to realize that maybe this is my person? Because
Speaker 1: so I'm in my longest relationship now, two years, three months,
Speaker 1: whatever it is, it's hard for me to imagine like
Speaker 1: new information coming about in three more years where I'm like, oh, okay, wait,
Speaker 1: maybe I don't want to be with this person anymore.
Speaker 1: You know, I guess what what is there, Like, what
Speaker 1: what exactly would that look like for someone in a
Speaker 1: longer term relationship. Yeah, that's a great question. Um, I
Speaker 1: would say to start with the context of people who
Speaker 1: have already been in a marriage often have a lot
Speaker 1: of factors that I would assume you don't yet, right, Like,
Speaker 1: you have your girlfriend or wife, you have happy um,
Speaker 1: and you know, things are kind of moving along at
Speaker 1: a certain trajectory in your life once you've been divorced.
Speaker 1: You put kids into the mix, you put money into
Speaker 1: the mix, you know. Um. I mean I didn't work
Speaker 1: when when I was married, and so part of part
Speaker 1: of the reason I started dating quickly. Now now I
Speaker 1: realized it is because I was like, somebody's gonna help
Speaker 1: me out financially. Um. And the longer that I've you know,
Speaker 1: been single and moved along in my career, I can
Speaker 1: date men with a different lens because I don't need that. UM.
Speaker 1: So I think that, you know, in terms of a
Speaker 1: relationship lasting that long. Ultimately, for me and that particular man,
Speaker 1: he never wanted to get married again. He never wanted
Speaker 1: to you know, share space again. And for a long
Speaker 1: time it was easy for me to ignore that, and
Speaker 1: it got to the point where it wasn't that wasn't
Speaker 1: easy anymore. How many long term relationships have you been in?
Speaker 1: And when I say long term, I'll say more than
Speaker 1: a year and a half in my including marriage or so.
Speaker 1: I have friends that are in long term relationships and
Speaker 1: their relationship changes over time, as all relationships do, but
Speaker 1: they don't know if they're as happy as they were
Speaker 1: in the beginning of a relationship, and so they question
Speaker 1: whether they want to be in a relationship. So I
Speaker 1: feel like a lot of people are like, well, you know,
Speaker 1: this is great about my relationship, but this isn't so great?
Speaker 1: And so am I just looking for something that's not there?
Speaker 1: And I'm the type of person that always thinks the
Speaker 1: grass is greener on the other side and I should
Speaker 1: just accept this relationship for as it is because I'm happy,
Speaker 1: or am am I missing something? And should I be
Speaker 1: looking for something more? And whenever I have a conversation
Speaker 1: like that with a friend who's in a relationship right
Speaker 1: now and they don't know to do, I feel like
Speaker 1: I never have a good answer. So what would your
Speaker 1: answer be? Another great question? Um, So I have a
Speaker 1: really good guy friend and right when this particular five
Speaker 1: year relationship split up here and I went for a
Speaker 1: hike um and he had been engaged to a woman
Speaker 1: and that broke up. So he's been married once, had
Speaker 1: a broken engagement. I was married once, had a broken
Speaker 1: what I thought was going to be a lifetime partner,
Speaker 1: And by the end of our hike, he's like, you
Speaker 1: know what, what it should be really is just uncomplicated happiness.
Speaker 1: So my advice to your friends or my own friends,
Speaker 1: if it's difficult, if it's so challenging that you're more
Speaker 1: upset than not. I mean, every relationship, of course, is
Speaker 1: going to come with ups and downs, with struggles, with
Speaker 1: needing to communicate through things, etcetera. But if it fundamentally
Speaker 1: doesn't make you happy during this one time that you're
Speaker 1: on the planet, you shouldn't be in it. And I
Speaker 1: think that that's why unfortunately so many marriages and in divorce.
Speaker 1: You know, I met my ex event at a bar
Speaker 1: in San Francisco, and and we loved each other very much,
Speaker 1: but we didn't change in the same way at the
Speaker 1: same rate, and so as a result, that's not who
Speaker 1: I should be living with day over day over day.
Speaker 1: I shouldn't. I I want my children to see a
Speaker 1: different model in terms of the way that they choose
Speaker 1: their partner, and I want them to be able to
Speaker 1: be authentic with whoever they are when it comes to
Speaker 1: meeting somebody and settling down with them. I want to
Speaker 1: I want to kind of shift gears for a second
Speaker 1: really quick, too, because you kind of mentioned this briefly
Speaker 1: and it it sparked my interests. So you said that
Speaker 1: when you were married, you didn't work, and then after
Speaker 1: your divorce, of course, you had to find a way
Speaker 1: to to be able to make ends meet for yourself.
Speaker 1: What was that process like and what kind of advice
Speaker 1: would you have for someone going through maybe a similar situation?
Speaker 1: And and one of the reasons why I really piqued, well,
Speaker 1: there's at a couple of reasons that piqued my interest was.
Speaker 1: One is because I just watched White Lotus. I don't
Speaker 1: know if you guys have seen that, but when acts
Speaker 1: very similar situation, very good. And two is be because
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm kind of in that situation with
Speaker 1: the way I make money. Now, I know I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna be able to make money this way for the
Speaker 1: rest of my life, so I'm going to have to
Speaker 1: reintroduce myself into the workforce at some point. So I'm
Speaker 1: just curious to hear from you and what kind of
Speaker 1: advice you would have for, you know, people dealing with
Speaker 1: something similar to that. Yeah, and in terms of the
Speaker 1: people that I coach currently, that's kind of the main
Speaker 1: I'm called a WIT a woman in transition, right, and
Speaker 1: so that's that happens a lot, right, where you just
Speaker 1: have to kind of pivot and figure out how to
Speaker 1: land on your two feet. So the first thing I
Speaker 1: did was just take whatever job I was offered. So
Speaker 1: my first two jobs were like twenty five bucks an hour.
Speaker 1: It was certainly not sustainable. I live in Marin County, California,
Speaker 1: like right, you know, on the other side of the
Speaker 1: Golden gate Bridge. Um, And for me, it was a
Speaker 1: lot about networking and really determining what it was that
Speaker 1: I was good at. My first job was at a
Speaker 1: mortgage broker's office, and I was like, oh, I'll just
Speaker 1: be a mortgage broker. Mm hm, like you're not allowed
Speaker 1: to talk, You're not supposed to. I went in and
Speaker 1: complemented someone's home and the woman who was training me
Speaker 1: was like, you know, and I'm like, Okay, this is
Speaker 1: not for me. I want to chat with people, get
Speaker 1: to know people. So I think part of it was
Speaker 1: determining what I'm good at, which is connecting with other humans,
Speaker 1: and then figuring out how to make money and then
Speaker 1: taking some big swings like I went from I worked
Speaker 1: at a little tech um agency as a recruiter, then
Speaker 1: went to restoration hardware, then drop offs, and now I'm
Speaker 1: at a venture capital firm in tech. And you know,
Speaker 1: you just have to keep putting yourself out there and
Speaker 1: determining that you're the one that's going to be able
Speaker 1: to do the job. It's funny too, well not funny,
Speaker 1: but I'm I come from a recruiting background as well,
Speaker 1: so it's always interesting to hear perspective from other recruiters.
Speaker 1: You know, I didn't know that. Yeah, I was in
Speaker 1: I was in tech for two years and then I
Speaker 1: was a startup recruiter for three years before before going
Speaker 1: full time influence here, which I mean, I feel like
Speaker 1: I would love to go that route at this point.
Speaker 1: But yeah, it's a it's a fun uh it's a
Speaker 1: fun short term plan. But like I was saying, uh,
Speaker 1: I know, at some point in my life I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have to transition back to something. So it's always it's
Speaker 1: always cool to hear perspectives of people that have had
Speaker 1: to do something similar. So I appreciate that. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think there's so much opportunity out there right now that, um,
Speaker 1: finding something that you love should be easy enough. Yeah. Absolutely, Um, Amy,
Speaker 1: do you think again? You know we're a dating podcast,
Speaker 1: so we're just gonna ask you some tough questions. Are
Speaker 1: you ultimately happy that you got divorced, like cut the cord? Yes,
Speaker 1: I am, um It it was not a road that
Speaker 1: my family would have wanted for me. Um, it was
Speaker 1: not a road that my children wanted. I don't think,
Speaker 1: of course that Sean and I really wanted it in
Speaker 1: certain ways either. But it's best for everybody. Um. I
Speaker 1: think my kids have learned resiliency in a different way.
Speaker 1: I have a career and I wouldn't have done that,
Speaker 1: and it's been super fulfilling. Um. My ex husband is
Speaker 1: remarried to a woman who is a personal friend of
Speaker 1: mine at this point, Like we've become friends and you know,
Speaker 1: go out to dinner just the two of us, and
Speaker 1: to me, that's such a better payoff than being in
Speaker 1: a relationship that we knew was dead. Um, And when
Speaker 1: we were in therapy, our counselor said, you guys can
Speaker 1: hang on to this for another five ten years or so,
Speaker 1: but it's not It's not going to get that much better.
Speaker 1: And I think that that's a disservice to everyone around us.
Speaker 1: You know, if it's not Hell, yes, it should be.
Speaker 1: No right, did you have her? I have a time
Speaker 1: where you regretted it. The reason I'm asking this is
Speaker 1: because I want people to who are listening to this,
Speaker 1: who are relating to your situation, Because I'm sure there
Speaker 1: are people who feel like, Okay, I'm doing the right thing,
Speaker 1: I'm getting divorced, and this is going to make me happy,
Speaker 1: but I'm sure that they have moments where they're doubting themselves. Yeah. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: I mean, and I would argue that that's true for
Speaker 1: many of the major things that go on in our lives.
Speaker 1: But um, certainly, you know, financially, it is frightening. For
Speaker 1: a bit. Um, our daughter was really sick for a
Speaker 1: while and I wanted somebody that I could just like
Speaker 1: lay my head on their shoulder and talk it through.
Speaker 1: You know, there were times that that person wasn't there. Um,
Speaker 1: But ultimately I think like being authentic in your one
Speaker 1: life is the most important thing. What do you think
Speaker 1: the hardest part about dating again was, like what was
Speaker 1: the biggest adjustment you had to make personally for it.
Speaker 1: It's interesting that certain aspects of dating never change, Like,
Speaker 1: you know, should is he gonna call? Should I call him?
Speaker 1: What does this text mean? I'm like, I'm in my
Speaker 1: mid forties, Like what, I can't believe I'm still asking
Speaker 1: of these kinds of questions. Um. And then the only
Speaker 1: other major adjustment recently was the act that that relationship
Speaker 1: did end in June, and I thought, okay, like it
Speaker 1: might be a husband, Like it might be over, you know, um,
Speaker 1: and it was really lovely. Over the summer, I was
Speaker 1: at a party in Tahoe and this man walked up
Speaker 1: to me and he said, you know, I've met you
Speaker 1: at X event and I just found out that you
Speaker 1: and so and so broke up. And I'm really excited
Speaker 1: about that. And that was like hugely validating and also
Speaker 1: kind of a reminder to me, Like I tell my
Speaker 1: friends and my clients like, you don't know who's watching you.
Speaker 1: You don't know if there's like a guy at the
Speaker 1: cafe or in your yoga class or what have you
Speaker 1: that is waiting for his entrance. So I had to
Speaker 1: kind of change that mindset watching you in like a
Speaker 1: non creepyway, just to spens. I took it. I took
Speaker 1: it as high praise. Yeah. Yeah, there's an endearing thing
Speaker 1: about it, for sure. Yeah, of course. Um, So, what
Speaker 1: are some of the things I want to ask you
Speaker 1: about dating? As we've been talking about after your divorce,
Speaker 1: so you obviously jumped right into a long term relationship.
Speaker 1: Did you go on any dates with other people that
Speaker 1: didn't go well? Um? I went on a couple of
Speaker 1: dates that didn't go well. Nothing like dramatic or upsetting,
Speaker 1: but one of the really cool things. And again I
Speaker 1: wonder if this is because it's people who have been
Speaker 1: divorced and we live in like the same community. I
Speaker 1: think people are pretty respectful of each other's feelings. So
Speaker 1: there's a few guys that I have dated over the
Speaker 1: years who are just really good friends of mine. At
Speaker 1: this point, you know, it was probably pretty easy at
Speaker 1: the beginning to go this isn't gonna be it. But
Speaker 1: you're a really amazing person, and so I've got these
Speaker 1: guy friends who I can like hype with and go
Speaker 1: to brunch and that kind of stuff, and new girlfriends
Speaker 1: who are married to your ex husband. Yeah, because you
Speaker 1: go to dinner with his wife, so it's his wife
Speaker 1: with his ex wife. Yeah. I think every now and
Speaker 1: then he feels a little ganged up on. She's she's
Speaker 1: ash and she's amazing, and she's like, sure, you need
Speaker 1: to cool Ami back, you know, And I'm sure he's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: my own. I gotta say though, it's it's so nice
Speaker 1: when um adults, especially with children, are able to split
Speaker 1: up and have that amicable friendship still. Like, for instance,
Speaker 1: yesterday I was playing golf of the buddy. I was
Speaker 1: playing with him, his mom, and his stepdad, and on
Speaker 1: like the ninth hole, he gets a call from his
Speaker 1: step mom that she was gonna come join us, and
Speaker 1: I was like, that's kind of weird. Your stepmom and
Speaker 1: your mom are going to be hanging out. And he goes, no, dude,
Speaker 1: like they're best friends. My stepdad and my dad are
Speaker 1: best friends. And I was like that, like I remember
Speaker 1: really had a firsthand experience with anything like that before,
Speaker 1: and I was like, that's like such a mature thing
Speaker 1: to be able to like all be friends and be cordial,
Speaker 1: especially like for the kid's sake and all that kind
Speaker 1: of stuff. So high praise for people that are able
Speaker 1: to do that. Yeah, it's been fun. I've been to
Speaker 1: quite a few, you know, birthday parties or events in
Speaker 1: morn where the exes are all together, and I think
Speaker 1: people are really um committed to creating the modern family
Speaker 1: at this Yeah, the modern family. It's definitely a good
Speaker 1: way to put it, so old school nice. Do you
Speaker 1: work with a lot of women? Do you work with
Speaker 1: men ever? Oh? Yeah, um, not as many, It's I think, Um,
Speaker 1: you know, life coaching has been my side gig pandemic,
Speaker 1: single mom, et cetera. So um, and I think that
Speaker 1: the people are who are most drawn to me at
Speaker 1: this point are people that are in similar situations. What
Speaker 1: kind of difference is do you notice, uh, generally speaking
Speaker 1: of course, between like the men and the women going
Speaker 1: through similar situations. Um. I would say that the men
Speaker 1: that I've worked with in general have just been a
Speaker 1: little bit more guarded, at least from the beginning, Like
Speaker 1: it takes a little while to kind of get to
Speaker 1: the nitty gritty of what's going on. Lots of talk
Speaker 1: about like, oh, I'm really overwhelmed by this work project,
Speaker 1: and it's like, I'm not you would not be here
Speaker 1: paying me to tell me this if that's really overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: So this is a fair you know what. Men and
Speaker 1: as a man, I could say this, We're not the
Speaker 1: sharpest tools in the ship. I'm a huge fan. Okay, good,
Speaker 1: I'm glad, But I do think it just takes a
Speaker 1: little a little bit to get to like what's making
Speaker 1: your what's making you feel stuck as a man? Well, Amy,
Speaker 1: I really appreciate Dean and I really appreciate you coming
Speaker 1: on the podcast. Um, but we know that you're doing
Speaker 1: some life coaching. Is there anywhere people can find you
Speaker 1: who are listening to the podcast I want to know
Speaker 1: more about? Yeah? Yeah, My Instagram is probably the best place.
Speaker 1: I have a calendarly link um for an introductory call
Speaker 1: if anybody wants, you know, to potentially have an appointment
Speaker 1: with me. And that is my first name dot last name.
Speaker 1: So it's a M I E. Not why so when
Speaker 1: you're spelling it on Instagram A M I E dot
Speaker 1: y you d I C E and they're the dogs. Amy.
Speaker 1: One question too before we part ways. Um, I know
Speaker 1: you do a lot of like post breakup work. But
Speaker 1: is there any like pre break up work that you
Speaker 1: are able to help with or willing to help with
Speaker 1: or have done before where it's like, let's say someone's
Speaker 1: like maybe considering a divorce or something like that. Is
Speaker 1: there anything like that? I wouldn't feel, um like I was, like,
Speaker 1: I have the educational background. I'm not a therapist, so
Speaker 1: I feel like that's a little out of my wheelhouse.
Speaker 1: I talk about it with my friends all the time.
Speaker 1: But short answer about that, No, okay, cool. I mean
Speaker 1: definitely you can definitely added to the repertoire at some
Speaker 1: point that like a transitionary type thing where it's like
Speaker 1: maybe kind of already agreed upon and we're just working
Speaker 1: through it. But I think you're doing great things. I
Speaker 1: think obviously your lovely person. So anyone should take your advice,
Speaker 1: I think, and run with it. So best of luck, Amy.
Speaker 1: You just check her out on Instagram. She's gonna turn
Speaker 1: your life around. Yes, thanks a lot, you guys. Than
Speaker 1: I welcome back to help I suck at dating. We
Speaker 1: have very special guests joining us right now from somewhere
Speaker 1: in the country. I'll let him talk about it, but
Speaker 1: it is Cody O'Connor, who is walking across the country
Speaker 1: to raise money for pediatric cancer patients. Cody, how you doing,
Speaker 1: buddy good? How are y'all doing? I'm doing well. So,
Speaker 1: first of all, tell us a little bit about your story,
Speaker 1: why you wanted to do this walk, and where you're
Speaker 1: currently at in the country right now. Yeah, man, So
Speaker 1: currently we're just outside of Kansas City. We are approaching
Speaker 1: the border and very very much so looking forward to
Speaker 1: getting into Kansas. But at age fourteen, I came down
Speaker 1: with young starkhoma, which is a form of bone cancer
Speaker 1: that affects roughly about four d children every single year
Speaker 1: in the United States. And through my battle, I saw
Speaker 1: a couple of things, one of those being how much
Speaker 1: it actually impacted my family. I'm the oldest of seven.
Speaker 1: All the attention was pulled off of them and put
Speaker 1: onto me, rightfully so, but but I didn't like that.
Speaker 1: I felt like they still needed to be able to
Speaker 1: go to their sporting events, be with their their friends
Speaker 1: and all of that. My mom and my parents both
Speaker 1: thought eviction, divorced, bankruptcy one of where food was coming from.
Speaker 1: And seeing that stuff, I wanted to make a difference
Speaker 1: The other thing that I noticed in my battle was
Speaker 1: at the conclusion, I was told I would never walk
Speaker 1: normally again in my life. And uh so to kind
Speaker 1: of take control of my my circumstances, you know, we
Speaker 1: we prayed hard, we worked hard, and now we have
Speaker 1: a five oh one c three trying to fight all
Speaker 1: of the stuff that I wanted to change, and we're
Speaker 1: doing a fundraiser walking from Times Square to Santa Monica Pere.
Speaker 1: I want to know more about this walk. Tell me
Speaker 1: about this walk. So every everyone, every once in a while,
Speaker 1: you'll see these big news headlines of someone walking across
Speaker 1: the country. I'm just like in my head, like you
Speaker 1: can't even it's like thinking about the number of one billion,
Speaker 1: you know, you can't even really conceptualize what it what
Speaker 1: it must be like. So so tell us about the
Speaker 1: walk so far, and just like kind of what that
Speaker 1: all in tail else? Really, Yeah, it's it's a logistical nightmare,
Speaker 1: to be honest. I mean you you really don't understand
Speaker 1: how much you love the ability to do laundry until
Speaker 1: you're with a few people that just reek. Man, It's
Speaker 1: it's crazy. You know. We we've already gone through like
Speaker 1: ten pairs of shoes, we the heat, the the assistance
Speaker 1: that we've needed from from sponsors, from donations to help
Speaker 1: us get through. This has been crazy. It's um. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it's hard to wrap my own head around. But honestly,
Speaker 1: you know, a normal day really consists of waking up.
Speaker 1: We probably get up between seven and eight. If we're lucky.
Speaker 1: We found a hotel room that that that evening drewy
Speaker 1: In has done donated a bunch, so we've been lucky
Speaker 1: for about forty nights so far in a row and
Speaker 1: hopefully that continues. UM. But we found ourselves sleeping in
Speaker 1: police parking lots from time to time. So whenever we
Speaker 1: wake up shortly after that, we're we're often walking and
Speaker 1: my I have a trail car. They tail me and
Speaker 1: they kind of carry all my stuff. So because I'm
Speaker 1: not supposed to do this, I try to keep all
Speaker 1: my backpacks and everything like that off of my body
Speaker 1: so that there's less impact on my ankle. Allows us
Speaker 1: to get a little farther in. It's safer for my
Speaker 1: body in the long run. UM, And we pretty much
Speaker 1: hydrate every single hour. We switched shoes probably about halfway
Speaker 1: through the day to try to avoid the wear and
Speaker 1: tear on the on the sole of the shoe and
Speaker 1: honestly taking calls from the road, doing pretty much anything
Speaker 1: that you would have to do in a normal work day,
Speaker 1: and then trying to catch up on emails and when
Speaker 1: the evening comes. Uh so it's a long, strenuous day.
Speaker 1: It's the same thing over and over and over and again.
Speaker 1: So you have to be very very content being in
Speaker 1: your own head. So it's it's kind of crazy. Can
Speaker 1: you share a little bit more about I know you
Speaker 1: said at the top of the of the segment that
Speaker 1: you had bone cancer when you your first segnis when
Speaker 1: you're sixteen? You said, right, I was fourteen and ten
Speaker 1: months fourteen, Okay, So can you share more about um
Speaker 1: that diagnosis? I know, maybe like less about how it
Speaker 1: affected your family, because I need you touch on that already,
Speaker 1: but more like what was like the prediction for your
Speaker 1: physical well being after that, you know, like, and then
Speaker 1: what did you have to go through to kind of
Speaker 1: get back to where you are today? Yeah? So, initially
Speaker 1: when I was diagnosed, we were prescribed basically fourteen cycles
Speaker 1: of chemotherapy. We weren't sure if I would need radiation
Speaker 1: in my battle. I ended up needing twenty five cycles
Speaker 1: of that, and I actually went under into surgery for
Speaker 1: the whole removal of my bone, not knowing if they
Speaker 1: would be able to save one inch that's like what's
Speaker 1: commonly known as like your ankle bone, like that that's
Speaker 1: on the outside, right. Uh, that inch would have been
Speaker 1: able to allow me to still play sports, walk normally,
Speaker 1: run normally, and all of that. When they had to
Speaker 1: pull that out, they had to pin all of my
Speaker 1: tendons into my tibia, my shin bone, and from there
Speaker 1: forward it was all it was all downhill. Um. The
Speaker 1: problem was that I would never do anything like this
Speaker 1: in my life. I would never run place sports. So
Speaker 1: those years, the year round athlete that I thought I was,
Speaker 1: who I thought my identity was, I had to redefine myself.
Speaker 1: And yeah, I mean I had a few years of
Speaker 1: pity me within myself, just kind of feeling lost, trapped
Speaker 1: in Um. You know, everybody always cheers for cancer patients
Speaker 1: to win the battle, but oftentimes when they to win
Speaker 1: the war, you need more support than that. Right. Mental
Speaker 1: stuff is everywhere and it's coming more and more to
Speaker 1: light in our society. So yeah, what do you think, um,
Speaker 1: Being a cancer survivor. How has it changed you? It's
Speaker 1: humbled me a lot. Uh, It's it's allowed me to
Speaker 1: stop and smell the roses a little bit. Life is precious.
Speaker 1: I before cancer I had I was very driven and
Speaker 1: rightfully so, I mean I was what fourteen fifteen years
Speaker 1: turned fifteen during my battle, So I mean I was
Speaker 1: in that whole influence itself. Go to figure out what
Speaker 1: you want to do in the future, Go to college,
Speaker 1: get your job, go, go, go right, And I was
Speaker 1: very much tunnel visioned when I went through cancer. I
Speaker 1: call it the greatest experience of my life because it
Speaker 1: really brought me closer to faith. Allow me to slow
Speaker 1: down and really see who's around me, who, who's who?
Speaker 1: Who needs help? Let me extend my hand a little
Speaker 1: bit and let me smile a little bit more. Don't
Speaker 1: don't rush through life trying to finish before before you
Speaker 1: even start, you know. And uh so as of now
Speaker 1: you are you are cancer free? I'm assuming Yeah, yeah, yeah, thankfully.
Speaker 1: So So how did that How did that ankle bone
Speaker 1: removal go? Did they were they able to spare a
Speaker 1: little bit of it or is there still? It's all gone?
Speaker 1: So yeah, So the whole, the whole fibula and my
Speaker 1: ankle was gone. And my initial operation, I only lost
Speaker 1: the lower half, but they took it from halfway in
Speaker 1: your leg all the way out from the foot. Uh.
Speaker 1: And then they found a blood clot at one of
Speaker 1: my remission scans and that was in the bone that
Speaker 1: was hanging there. So my whole family, about two years
Speaker 1: after I beat cancer, I thought we were coming back
Speaker 1: down with cancer. And instead of trying to do a
Speaker 1: biopsy and dragging tumor cells into the body, they just
Speaker 1: immediately basically said, hey, let's get you under the knife,
Speaker 1: let's remove the rest of your bone because you don't
Speaker 1: need it, and basically hope that it's not cancer. Turns
Speaker 1: out it was a blood clot, and everyone else is all,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, blood clot. And I'm sitting here like
Speaker 1: dancing in my room because it's not cancer totally. So
Speaker 1: I know you mentioned this before we started. I'm not
Speaker 1: sure if you mentioned on air yet though, but you're
Speaker 1: you're currently in Kansas City. That's how far the walk
Speaker 1: has taken you so far from Times Square to Santa Monica.
Speaker 1: I just did the I just did the Google search.
Speaker 1: That's one thousand, one point one miles. So how has
Speaker 1: the ankle been holding up for those nearly twelve miles
Speaker 1: so far? Yeah, it's surprisingly done really well. The biggest
Speaker 1: problem we've had has been my hips, because I favor
Speaker 1: one side versus the other. My anchor hip is my
Speaker 1: left hip. I got back to my chiropractor when I
Speaker 1: was passing through Cincinnati and he said that my hips
Speaker 1: were rotated down and separated, so that initial adjustment was
Speaker 1: rather painful needed, but they very very painful. So the
Speaker 1: ankle itself is doing well, but everything else is kind
Speaker 1: of the the question mark with this right now, do
Speaker 1: you find yourself having a more physical or mental exhaustion?
Speaker 1: Good question? I think physical because mentally I just end
Speaker 1: up going into this pattern of whether it's getting in
Speaker 1: sync with my trekking polls, so like a click clack
Speaker 1: type of thing. You know, this isn't an under armor ad.
Speaker 1: But just keep on going right, Uh, you know, you
Speaker 1: just kind of fall in a trance on the road.
Speaker 1: At least I find myself not really a runner's hide,
Speaker 1: more of like a hypnotism by doing right and uh,
Speaker 1: my body though trying to propel my hips really fight
Speaker 1: through that It's it's kind of like you you pray
Speaker 1: for that that numbness after there's too much pain, right,
Speaker 1: just so that you can keep taking a few more steps.
Speaker 1: So do you ever get I noticed myself whenever I'm
Speaker 1: walking somewhere. Obviously I'm not walking to a hundred miles
Speaker 1: anytime soon, but let's say I'm walking like a mile
Speaker 1: and I just like a quarter of the mile into it,
Speaker 1: I'm just like bored, right, and I'm just like, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna I'm just gonna run. I'm just gonna start jogging.
Speaker 1: Do you ever do you ever get in that mindset
Speaker 1: where you're like, I'm just gonna start sprinting like or
Speaker 1: something like that. I don't know, And I wish I
Speaker 1: could actor that he's cleared me for a lot um
Speaker 1: he would frown upon that during this uh you know,
Speaker 1: towards the end of the day, I want to sprint
Speaker 1: it out, and you know, to be honest, my body
Speaker 1: doesn't have it in it. And after like fifteen miles,
Speaker 1: you know it's pretty much beat anyway. Um. But yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I I actually find myself playing the game, like can
Speaker 1: I count how many telephone calls I passed today? Something
Speaker 1: so dumb. But it's like, you know, you're just playing
Speaker 1: these little mind games with yourself. Recently I started reading
Speaker 1: and recording like bathrooms, so I can give advice on im,
Speaker 1: like where not to go. Yeah, that's like that's your
Speaker 1: George Costanza kicking in. Yeah, pretty much pretty much? Is
Speaker 1: there is there? I'm pretty pretty unfamiliar with how bone
Speaker 1: cancer works. Is there any atrophy in any of your
Speaker 1: other bones from it? Or was it mostly just in
Speaker 1: the ankle? It was mostly just the ankle. Um luckily
Speaker 1: mind state localized. It is possible that it would have spread. Um,
Speaker 1: they can't ever prove that mine was in the marrow.
Speaker 1: Wudn't have been in the marrow then I probably would
Speaker 1: have had a much more of an uphill battle. So
Speaker 1: I guess my main question is, like you're you're like,
Speaker 1: let's say, like your fema on your left leg, which
Speaker 1: is pretty far from your right ankle, right, like that
Speaker 1: bone is pretty much unaffected from from that cancer. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean it's pretty much. That's not to say that
Speaker 1: chemo won't eventually, you know, have had long term effects
Speaker 1: or anything like that on my body, but yeah, today
Speaker 1: it is completely honest. That's cool I'm learning so much.
Speaker 1: Appreciate it. Yeah, everybody listening, please go over to um
Speaker 1: Cody's Instagram. Uh, you can click the link in his bio.
Speaker 1: It's called Champions Do You Overcome dot Org? Or you
Speaker 1: can just go to the website www. Dot Champions Do
Speaker 1: Overcome dot Org. Donate. You can support him in any
Speaker 1: way you can. I mean, Cody, what you're doing is
Speaker 1: incredibly inspirational. I've had the privilege of being able to
Speaker 1: talk to you sometimes as you're going on this journey,
Speaker 1: and you know, anybody who's listening, please support him. I mean,
Speaker 1: your money is going towards cancer patients and helping them
Speaker 1: with a multitude of things that they need help with.
Speaker 1: And so before you go, Cody, I do have two
Speaker 1: questions for you, but I wanted to make sure I
Speaker 1: plug that Champions Do Overcome dot Org. Please donate whatever
Speaker 1: you can help us suck at dating just donated as well,
Speaker 1: courtesy of Dean Dean was Dean really wanted to donate,
Speaker 1: So we donated some money to work. Yes, I just
Speaker 1: press I just pressed the button as a podcast thank you,
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Of course that's the least we could do.
Speaker 1: And of course it was it was I don't I
Speaker 1: don't want to take credit forwards definitely Dean. Dean was like,
Speaker 1: I really want to, so we did it as a
Speaker 1: podcast and then I did want to ask two questions. One,
Speaker 1: because you're so inspirationally and you inspire many many people,
Speaker 1: and you do, my friend, I know you've had people
Speaker 1: come up to you and say that they are inspired
Speaker 1: by you, including myself. Who is you who inspires you?
Speaker 1: And then secondly you said you've gone through like ten
Speaker 1: different sneakers, so now we got to know what's the
Speaker 1: best sneaker out there for walking or running? Good question?
Speaker 1: All right, so the first one who inspires me? Um man?
Speaker 1: That's uh, well, after snooping on Dean, because Dean, I
Speaker 1: didn't know who you were until I saw this, honestly,
Speaker 1: So after snooping on your life, it's kind of the
Speaker 1: life I'm hoping to live, travel all the time, you know.
Speaker 1: Uh No, so that could be a little inspiration. But
Speaker 1: I'm honored. I'm honestly man. My my trainer, rich Rich Franklin,
Speaker 1: he's a UFC Hall of Famer. He inspires me, kicks
Speaker 1: my ass every single day. But honestly, breaking it down
Speaker 1: to my grandma, my father, my grandpa, my mom, you know,
Speaker 1: my the core of my family. Uh, they really get
Speaker 1: me up, get me going. Um, because they've provided purpose
Speaker 1: in my life thus far, and to be able to
Speaker 1: give back and hopefully create something that can pay it
Speaker 1: forward year in and year out from here on in
Speaker 1: in my life and help people even after my life
Speaker 1: is done. Um would be something that is just special.
Speaker 1: So there's that non tier jerker reply. Um, we got sneakers. Um.
Speaker 1: You know, Ultra has done awesome with providing you with shoes.
Speaker 1: So I have to say, Ultra Running, if you're gonna
Speaker 1: do any type of marathon stuff, if you're gonna do
Speaker 1: any type of walking whatever, you got to be nice
Speaker 1: to sponsor. We get that, We tillly get that. They
Speaker 1: but but in all honesty, they have a wider toebox.
Speaker 1: So for my foot in particular, it's it's been really
Speaker 1: really nice. They're lightweight, they hold up. Um. And I've
Speaker 1: had a couple of different pairs of theirs. I have
Speaker 1: one that I used for the road on a regular basis,
Speaker 1: and then I have a trekking pair that I use
Speaker 1: it because their waterproof, so and I found both of
Speaker 1: them to be very very good. Um. I have also
Speaker 1: worn a pair of A six and Brooks, and to
Speaker 1: this point I think that those are way too narrow
Speaker 1: from my foot, so uh so yeah, so no matter
Speaker 1: that they are my sponsor, I'm going with all trap
Speaker 1: There we go. Good to know. Now I gotta get
Speaker 1: a pair of Ultra sneakers because I FLYE. There you go,
Speaker 1: see there you go? Well, Cody, thanks man for coming on.
Speaker 1: We really appreciate it. Thank you all. You'll have a
Speaker 1: good one. Yeah, thanks Cody. Be sure to go check
Speaker 1: out check how his Instagram page overcomer Team, and be
Speaker 1: sure to donate the link in his bio. Thanks guys,
Speaker 1: Thanks Cody. Are everybody welcome back to help I suck
Speaker 1: at dating? Big thank you to Cody and of course
Speaker 1: Amy for joining us on this week's episode. We are
Speaker 1: going to get into one quick email before we get
Speaker 1: out of here for this week. I don't think Eastern's here.
Speaker 1: I don't think Marcus here, but I'll tell you what.
Speaker 1: We gotta Hannah, we gotta Kendall, we gotta Danielle. Do
Speaker 1: any of them want to step up and read an
Speaker 1: email for us? I can read the email. Somebody's listening
Speaker 1: out there somebody's listening, I'm always listening. That's Hannah for
Speaker 1: everyone that maybe doesn't recognize the voice. She is our
Speaker 1: incredible one of our incredible producers. But thanks for stepping up, Hona.
Speaker 1: We appreciate it anytime. So those emails from Zach, he
Speaker 1: says I dated a girl for a little over a
Speaker 1: year while in college. We broke up last Christmas. However,
Speaker 1: after the breakup, we would basically hook up and not
Speaker 1: like a couple without the label of a bowl. We
Speaker 1: broke up initially because I was having reservations about getting
Speaker 1: married and settling down, but upon breaking up, I found
Speaker 1: it extremely hard to let her out of my life.
Speaker 1: Fast forward to this summer, and we both decided we
Speaker 1: shouldn't talk to each other anymore. We haven't talked in
Speaker 1: about two months, but I'm finding that I'm missing her
Speaker 1: like crazy. She also told me recently that she started
Speaker 1: dating a guy who's a med student, which of course
Speaker 1: makes me think about the amazing life she'll have with
Speaker 1: the smarty pants like him. So even though I was
Speaker 1: the one to break up with her, I'm surprised at
Speaker 1: how much I miss her. I'm wondering if either of
Speaker 1: you have been in a similar situation. Oh, man, Zach,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry to hear that. Man, that's uh well, I'm
Speaker 1: sorry to hear it. But at the same time too,
Speaker 1: it's like you kind of you kind of did this
Speaker 1: to yourself, right, Like, yeah, he definitely did to himself.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, Zach, this is what I
Speaker 1: think I've been in situation. I've been in a situation
Speaker 1: like before. This is what you need to do. You
Speaker 1: need to confessor feelings and you need to tell this
Speaker 1: girl how you feel. And Zach, you need to you know,
Speaker 1: you buckle up and commit. That's my that's my suggestion.
Speaker 1: If you truly love this girl, which you're making it
Speaker 1: sound like you do, and you miss her like crazy,
Speaker 1: then you need to commit. There's no one foot in,
Speaker 1: one foot out anymore. If you think you want to
Speaker 1: be with her, then tell her. I want to be
Speaker 1: with you. This is what I want. I want a commitment,
Speaker 1: I want to move forward. I want marriage in the future.
Speaker 1: This is what we're planning. But Zack, if you're still saying, hey,
Speaker 1: I want to be with you right now, I just
Speaker 1: don't know if I want to marry you three years
Speaker 1: from now, then sorry, it's on you, bro, then you
Speaker 1: need to let her go. I know that this, uh,
Speaker 1: this holds a special place in your heart because it's
Speaker 1: very similar to it. You're a Nationley story. So I'll
Speaker 1: choose my words carefully here. Um, should I hang up
Speaker 1: now and just let you go? It might? It might, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it might be a good time for that. No, I
Speaker 1: just you you did it right, and like you said,
Speaker 1: if you're not going to commit, then don't do it
Speaker 1: at all. Um, I would say, though, having been in
Speaker 1: a situation similar to what Zack is in now, it
Speaker 1: sounds like he is just jealous of her ability to
Speaker 1: move on, a her ability to find another great partner
Speaker 1: be and now he like maybe like his own ego
Speaker 1: is telling him that he like needs to reinsert himself
Speaker 1: back into the picture. And again, I know it works out,
Speaker 1: and like in years in actually's case, of course it did.
Speaker 1: So maybe maybe Jared's advice is is a lot more
Speaker 1: sound than mine. But it sounds like Zach is being
Speaker 1: a little selfish here. You know, he's saying, Oh, she's
Speaker 1: doing great, she's got all these things going for her,
Speaker 1: But now I miss her, and now I want to
Speaker 1: get her back, and now I want to reach out
Speaker 1: to her and tell her how I feel like to me,
Speaker 1: that just that on the surface, it sounds a little selfish.
Speaker 1: And I know what you're saying is like, if he
Speaker 1: really does mean these things, like if he really does
Speaker 1: want to settle down with her like you did, actually,
Speaker 1: then it's of course obviously worth it. But I guess
Speaker 1: and the reason I think it's selfish because from my experience,
Speaker 1: I've done that before and then we've broken up, you know,
Speaker 1: not not three months later. So it's like, you're gonna
Speaker 1: pull this this girl away from her current relationship and
Speaker 1: then kind of leave her high and dry again three
Speaker 1: to six months later on. Because that's just me projecting
Speaker 1: what I've done in the past. So that's where I'm
Speaker 1: coming from. I think you should just leave it alone,
Speaker 1: let her be happy. You know, what's the old saying
Speaker 1: like if you love a flower, let it grow or
Speaker 1: whatever it is. It seems like that's kind of applicable
Speaker 1: to the scenario. Just kind of like be hands off,
Speaker 1: let her do her thing. If it's meant to be,
Speaker 1: she'll come back around eventually. If it's not meant to be,
Speaker 1: maybe she won't. So that's kind of my take on it. Listen.
Speaker 1: I agree with you. Actually, I think that if he's
Speaker 1: having doubts or if he's like, oh yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: I want to be with her, I just don't know
Speaker 1: if I want to commit to her, then yeah, he's
Speaker 1: being selfish and you're a right Dean. I just think, Zach,
Speaker 1: if you need to do a little self reflecting, soul searching,
Speaker 1: as they say, and if you think that this is
Speaker 1: the girl you could potentially marry and you want to
Speaker 1: be with her and you don't want to lose her
Speaker 1: from your life, then of course confess your feelings and
Speaker 1: see what happens. But if you're having any doubts of commitment,
Speaker 1: and I agree with Dean, you're being selfish, bro. And
Speaker 1: here's how every relationship, every breakup goes in a relationship. Um.
Speaker 1: I think we've talked about in this podcast before, but
Speaker 1: it's something that I've noticed for a long time and
Speaker 1: have believed for a long time is whenever there's a
Speaker 1: breakup between a guy and a girl specifically, uh, the
Speaker 1: guy immediately is so excited, he goes out on the town,
Speaker 1: hangs out with his friends, loves being single. The girl
Speaker 1: is devastated and uh, not to put it into like
Speaker 1: any like gender trips or anything like that. But then
Speaker 1: fast forward like to say like three or four or
Speaker 1: five months. The guy is then devastated because he realizes
Speaker 1: he was happier with the girlfriend in single life maybe
Speaker 1: isn't as glamorous as he wanted it to be, and
Speaker 1: the girl who had already grieved the relationship is now
Speaker 1: over it passed it and moved on, and you know,
Speaker 1: maybe dating maybe just generally happier. So it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: one starts out really bummed, one starts out really happy,
Speaker 1: and then eventually criss cross. And it sounds like that's
Speaker 1: kind of a similar situation here where Zach, you know,
Speaker 1: broke up with her really likes being single. Now what
Speaker 1: the advantage of perspective is looking back and being like,
Speaker 1: oh wait, maybe I actually don't want to be single,
Speaker 1: Maybe I want to be in the relationship. It's just
Speaker 1: it's a tail as old as time. I've been there
Speaker 1: so many times with breakups in relationships where you get
Speaker 1: out of the relationship and you're thrilled and you're you're
Speaker 1: gonna be one of the boys again. You got to
Speaker 1: go to the bars, you get to like you just
Speaker 1: kind of not have to answer to anyone, just do
Speaker 1: your thing, and then after enough time passes, you're just like,
Speaker 1: oh wait, actually know, I kind of miss being in
Speaker 1: the relationship. So that's kind of That's kind of why
Speaker 1: I'm a little more critical is act because it reminds
Speaker 1: me of me. It reminds me of like my college
Speaker 1: days or like my f boy days. If you will. Yeah, No,
Speaker 1: we need your criticism team because I'm usually wrong and
Speaker 1: like I need someone to just, you know, tell me
Speaker 1: how it actually is. I'm naive, you're realistic. You like
Speaker 1: to look at life through rose colored glasses. Yeah, rainbows
Speaker 1: and unicorns. Baby, I'm curious to get Honah, what's your
Speaker 1: perspective on this? My perspective? Okay, and let's see. Well,
Speaker 1: I think if he ended it, that's kind of his fault,
Speaker 1: and if he really is missing her, I mean, I
Speaker 1: don't think it's a bad thing for him to say
Speaker 1: that and reach out to her, But if she wants
Speaker 1: nothing to do with it, I mean he kind of
Speaker 1: has to let her be. He was the one who
Speaker 1: wanted to end it. I think what Hannah is saying
Speaker 1: is I agree with you. He needs to do what
Speaker 1: Dean didn't which is like you go back and you say,
Speaker 1: I'm here for you. I want this, I want to commit,
Speaker 1: I want to try. And if she says, hey, listen,
Speaker 1: I've already moved on, then, like Hannah said, so be it.
Speaker 1: But I think Dean, what you did was perfect because yeah,
Speaker 1: you know you you ended things just like listen, I
Speaker 1: ended things with Ashley, and then Dean, you were like, hey, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm an idiot. I made a mistake, which we all do,
Speaker 1: and I want to try to correct that mistake. And
Speaker 1: so instead of going down to Paradise and being like, well,
Speaker 1: you know, kind of like as much as I love
Speaker 1: Kendall so much, and i I do, I love Kendall,
Speaker 1: I just wish that she went down was a little
Speaker 1: bit more assertive like you were. So I think Zach
Speaker 1: needs to be assertive if, if, and only if he's
Speaker 1: going to commit and really pursue a long term relationship
Speaker 1: with her. I know what's funny is I know we've
Speaker 1: talked about this on the podcast before. I totally forgot
Speaker 1: that mine and Kalen's relationships started very similar to how
Speaker 1: yours and Ashley's did, and a lot of well not similar,
Speaker 1: but there's a lot of parallels, right, and so I
Speaker 1: guess maybe I am kind of on your side when
Speaker 1: it comes to that kind of thing too. We're just
Speaker 1: like we are. The timeline is much much shorter than
Speaker 1: yours and Ashley, so I always kind of disconnected to
Speaker 1: But you're right, they were. They were basically one and
Speaker 1: the same in a lot of ways. So more contensed version.
Speaker 1: I agree. I agree. Just go out there, tell her
Speaker 1: how you feel um at that point. Once it's out there,
Speaker 1: just like once the information is out there, that's all
Speaker 1: you can do, right, And that's kind of what everyone
Speaker 1: seems to agree about. Once you like say your piece
Speaker 1: and then let her kind of make her decision from there. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree. All right, Well that's gonna do it for
Speaker 1: this week's episode of Help Us Look at Dating. Big
Speaker 1: thank you to Amy you dis for joining us the
Speaker 1: Life Coach. Check her out on Instagram. Of course, it's
Speaker 1: spelled a M I E. I don't know why I said,
Speaker 1: of course, but we mentioned it before. It's spelt a
Speaker 1: little differently if you're looking up her her up on Instagram.
Speaker 1: Cody O'Connor, thank you so much for coming on, buddy.
Speaker 1: Of course, go to www. Dot Chan Appiens Do Overcome
Speaker 1: dot org. He's walking across the country. As you heard
Speaker 1: his story cancer survivor, raising money for pediatric cancer patients
Speaker 1: like this dude is an incredibly human being and you
Speaker 1: really could use his support. So once again, if you
Speaker 1: just go to his instagram, Cody O'Connor, you can check
Speaker 1: out Champions Do Overcome. It's the link in his bio
Speaker 1: and just donate anything you can. Thanks for Zach for
Speaker 1: the email. We appreciate it, and as much as we
Speaker 1: gave you some crap uh, we really do wish the
Speaker 1: best for you, buddy, and thank you so much for
Speaker 1: listening to the podcast. And I think that's gonna do it. Deany,
Speaker 1: what's gonna happen next week, Jared, Well, hopefully we all
Speaker 1: just suck a little less. Follow help by Suck at
Speaker 1: Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: podcast