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Speaker 1: Hi am Kate Hudson, and my name is Oliver Hudson.

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Speaker 1: We wanted to do something that highlighted our relationships and

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Speaker 1: what it's like to be siblings. We are a sibling.

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Speaker 1: Raivalry No, no, sibling. You don't do that with your

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Speaker 1: mouth ravely, that's good, Oliver. I absolutely adored speaking with

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Speaker 1: this beautiful woman, pam Willis. Pamela Willis. She is a

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Speaker 1: story that some people might know of. She adopted seven

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Speaker 1: children after their parents died in a car crush, and

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Speaker 1: I just, I mean, we were really taken by this story.

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Speaker 1: And I have to say this interview. I mean, it

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Speaker 1: was hard for me not to cry the whole time.

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Speaker 1: I was just like, oh my god. Yeah, everything she

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Speaker 1: said made me want to Yeah. I mean it's first

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Speaker 1: of all, we cry all the time, you know, I mean,

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Speaker 1: you and I just seemed to cry. It just just

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Speaker 1: just in general on this podcast were crying. But this

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Speaker 1: this was basically just a test on how not to blubber.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I was, I'm right with you. It was

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Speaker 1: extremely emotional, but in the most beautiful, happy way. I

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Speaker 1: mean we talked about her being an angel in the podcast,

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Speaker 1: but she truly is. I mean, her energy and her

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Speaker 1: spirit and her light comes through the zoom and honestly,

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Speaker 1: it made me want to be a foster. It was like,

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Speaker 1: you know, thinking about all of these kids in the

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Speaker 1: foster care system, and I loved her approach to what

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Speaker 1: it is and the importance of it and her passion

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Speaker 1: for Yeah, be inspired. This is inspirational. It was actually

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Speaker 1: it's very inspirational. You know, it makes you want to

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Speaker 1: do good things. It was an amazing interview, and I

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Speaker 1: really I hope everybody who's listening right now just enjoys.

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Speaker 1: And let's get right to it. Here is Pam Willis.

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Speaker 1: I'm really excited to talk to you. First of all,

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Speaker 1: we came across your story. You adopted seven siblings, which

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Speaker 1: is like, immediately your story brings tears to I'm sure

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Speaker 1: many people's eyes because it's I'm sure every child's worst

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Speaker 1: nightmare that they lose their parents and they don't know

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Speaker 1: where they're going to go. And then there's angels in

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Speaker 1: the world like you who come along and decide to

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Speaker 1: take in all of them. So, first of all, you're

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Speaker 1: an angel. Second of all, I just want to know

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Speaker 1: how this happened for you. Well, I think that my

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Speaker 1: husband and I were being prepared for a long time

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Speaker 1: and didn't really know it. I had been a nurse

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Speaker 1: in my prior career as a nurse for fifteen years,

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Speaker 1: and I was a labor and delivery nurse, and so

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Speaker 1: I worked often with the Children's services social workers that

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Speaker 1: would come in and you know, have to take a

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Speaker 1: baby now and then. And I would always come home

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Speaker 1: to my husband and say, I wanted to take that

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Speaker 1: baby home. That poor baby doesn't have anybody to you know,

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Speaker 1: take care of it. And so I had a heart

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Speaker 1: for this a long time ago. And we had five children,

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Speaker 1: my husband and I, and we were raising a busy family,

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Speaker 1: and you know, my husband would always say, you know, someday, someday,

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Speaker 1: we'll be able to do that, and so it was

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Speaker 1: always kind of on the back burner, you know. And

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Speaker 1: that instinct I think that makes someone a nurse is

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Speaker 1: also that, you know, that natural sort of nurturing personality.

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Speaker 1: And so my husband and I, when we had two

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Speaker 1: teenagers left at home of the five, we decided it

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Speaker 1: was time to learn about foster care. So we started fostering.

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Speaker 1: We went through the classes and got certified and started fostering.

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Speaker 1: When we had two teenagers left at home, and they

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Speaker 1: were part of that journey, which was really neat because

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Speaker 1: they were the two babies of our family at that

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Speaker 1: time and they had not been used to caring for

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Speaker 1: younger children, so they got to be part of the

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Speaker 1: journey of bringing in children to our home. We took

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Speaker 1: mostly like zero to five, so we took mostly toddlers,

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Speaker 1: a couple of newborns, and over five years we learned

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Speaker 1: how to care for traumatized children, children that had come

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Speaker 1: from neglect, you know, children that had come from environments

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Speaker 1: of violent things like that. So we learned so much

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Speaker 1: about certain things that this does to children, like it

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Speaker 1: stunts their emotional growth, or it stunts sometimes their physical

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Speaker 1: development if they're not nurtured properly. And it's so fascinating

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Speaker 1: to me from a nursing perspective and a mom perspective

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Speaker 1: to take these kids who wouldn't even give you eye

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Speaker 1: contact on day one, and then suddenly they're just looking

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Speaker 1: looking for someone to latch onto and they just connect

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Speaker 1: with you and they start growing in every way possible.

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Speaker 1: They start emotionally growing, they start physically progressing. Even if

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Speaker 1: we only had them in our home for eight months,

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Speaker 1: which was one of our shortest time periods of having

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Speaker 1: foster children was an eight month siblings that they grew

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Speaker 1: so much in that time, and so we learned together,

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Speaker 1: and we grew together through these different sets of siblings

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Speaker 1: that came through our home. And as that time progressed,

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Speaker 1: my two teenagers that were with us moved out. You know,

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Speaker 1: they were get ready to get One of them was

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Speaker 1: getting married and the other one was graduating high school.

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Speaker 1: So they were getting ready to move out. And my

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Speaker 1: husband and I were sort of at a crossroads, like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: our nest is going to be empty. What do we do?

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Speaker 1: Do we do? We want to keep fostering, do we

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Speaker 1: want to move? Do we want to downside? And we

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Speaker 1: were just sort of like up in the air, you know,

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Speaker 1: just kind of looking for guidance, praying about it, deciding,

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Speaker 1: you know, where were we going to go? What were

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Speaker 1: we going to do? And that was exactly the time

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Speaker 1: where I came across the story of these seven children.

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Speaker 1: So we had this background in fostering. We knew what

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Speaker 1: to do, we knew how to take care of them.

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Speaker 1: We had a six bedroom house that was essentially going

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Speaker 1: to be completely empty. We didn't know what to do

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Speaker 1: with our house, or our life or our you know what,

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Speaker 1: what was our direction? And I was just scrolling through

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Speaker 1: Facebook and these kids were sitting in this in this line,

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Speaker 1: and they were just looking at me, and it just

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Speaker 1: honestly just pierced my heart and just you know, I

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Speaker 1: needed to be their mom. And so I watched the

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Speaker 1: little news story with him, and I thought, gosh, how

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Speaker 1: do I tell my husband that I need to be

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Speaker 1: their mom? You know him? Right? Yeah? Seven of them.

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Speaker 1: So we had at this point we had already decided yes,

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Speaker 1: we were going to foster forever. We just couldn't imagine

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Speaker 1: ourselves without helping children. We had such a heart for

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Speaker 1: the foster care system, and we had we had decided yes,

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Speaker 1: that's what we were going to do. We never discussed seven.

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Speaker 1: But so it was on Facebook that I saw this, right,

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Speaker 1: So I just thought, well, I'll just tag him in

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Speaker 1: the story and he can read it and digest it

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Speaker 1: a little bit before I before I come to him.

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Speaker 1: So that night I came to him and I thought, Okay,

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Speaker 1: see how this conversation is going to go. And I said, hey, babe,

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Speaker 1: did you see that story that I tagged you in?

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Speaker 1: You know, on Facebook today and he goes, yeah, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, okay, here it comes. They said, yeah,

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Speaker 1: we should adopt them, and I mean he blew me away.

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Speaker 1: I thought I was you know, I thought I was

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Speaker 1: going to have to do some convincing or you know,

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Speaker 1: just really like, this is what we're supposed to be doing.

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Speaker 1: And he just knew. He knew just like I did.

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Speaker 1: And it was one of those moments of life where

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Speaker 1: you're just like, wow, everything's aligned, you know, like we

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Speaker 1: totally agreed, we totally knew. And so what was it

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Speaker 1: the first time, you know, actually meeting all seven of

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Speaker 1: these children. You know, I'm curious just because there's that

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Speaker 1: feel out process of course, right, you know, there's everyone

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Speaker 1: wants to be part of a home, but there's that

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Speaker 1: trauma that had just happened with them. How did that

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Speaker 1: all work? Yeah, So they had been in a foster

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Speaker 1: home since the accident, which had happened the previous May.

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Speaker 1: So I saw their story in January and then through

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Speaker 1: all the process of matching and making sure that we

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Speaker 1: were going to be a good fit. It took until March,

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Speaker 1: so about two months from the time I called until

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Speaker 1: the time that we were able to meet them and

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Speaker 1: what I did with the social workers suggested in San Diego,

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Speaker 1: the county social workers there that we worked with were incredible.

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Speaker 1: They suggested that I'd make a little book for the

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Speaker 1: kids with our pictures. So I actually made each of

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Speaker 1: them their own book with pictures of me, pictures of

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Speaker 1: my husband, This is Pam, and Pama likes ice cream

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Speaker 1: and pizza, what do you like? And this is Gary,

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Speaker 1: and you know, just different pictures for the different age kids.

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Speaker 1: Obviously for the older kids there was a little more,

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Speaker 1: i know, this picture of a house, our house. There

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Speaker 1: was a picture of some of the things we liked

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Speaker 1: to do, and that was given to them a couple

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Speaker 1: weeks ahead of time so they could start to process.

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Speaker 1: And then we met them at the park one day,

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Speaker 1: a local park, and their social workers were there for

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Speaker 1: you know, the people that they're familiar with. And it

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Speaker 1: was varying degree of acceptance from the four year old

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Speaker 1: at that time. Having looked through her book, the door opened.

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Speaker 1: The social worker opened the door and she yelled out

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Speaker 1: our names, said hi to me too, you know, And

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Speaker 1: I still remember that moment. It was like she's so excited,

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Speaker 1: you know. And of course they were told like these

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Speaker 1: people want to be your new mommy and daddy. And

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Speaker 1: she was so excited. She just ran up to me

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Speaker 1: and you know, hugged me. Had never met me, but

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Speaker 1: had seen my picture and knew that. And I think

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Speaker 1: at that age, you know the little ones. So the

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Speaker 1: littlest ones were four, three, and two at that time,

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Speaker 1: and the littlest ones were just immediate. They just wanted

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Speaker 1: a mommy daddy. They just needed a connection. And you know,

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Speaker 1: we were nice people and we were you know, we

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Speaker 1: were there to fulfill that need and it was just

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Speaker 1: you know, right away. And then I would say, you know,

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Speaker 1: the five and six year old, they had a little

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Speaker 1: bit of their reservations, but it took maybe one visit

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Speaker 1: and they were like, you're pretty cool. Okay, I think

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Speaker 1: that that's this is gonna be good. What are the

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Speaker 1: age differences? They were like a year apart all of them. Yes, wow,

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Speaker 1: the five, the five youngest are a year apart all

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Speaker 1: the way down the little Stairstep. Yeah, and then there's

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Speaker 1: two the two that are older. There's like a four

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Speaker 1: year gap between the oldest Stairstep and her, and then

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Speaker 1: there's a two year gap. So these we call them

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Speaker 1: the bigs and the littles, because you know, we have

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Speaker 1: two teenagers now and then we still have our little stairsteps.

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Speaker 1: So the teenagers that was sort of a new experience

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Speaker 1: for us. We hadn't fostered teenagers. Obviously, we'd raised our

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Speaker 1: five teenagers, but we hadn't fostered teenagers. So we were

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Speaker 1: just but we were so just invested in this whole.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I just looked at their pictures and I

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Speaker 1: could see their faces that they there was sadness in

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Speaker 1: there and like they needed happiness and I needed to

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Speaker 1: give them to their childhood. You know that they had

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Speaker 1: had a burden for a long time and you could

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Speaker 1: just see the weight on them. And so we talked,

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Speaker 1: and you know, I having had teenagers before, I said,

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Speaker 1: we may not always like each other, but you'll always

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Speaker 1: be safe and I'll always love you in my home.

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Speaker 1: And I think those are the kinds of things they

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Speaker 1: needed to hear. Was that, you know this, it's reality.

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Speaker 1: You know we're not gonna I'm not it's not going

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Speaker 1: to be all butterflies and rainbows, but but you're going

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Speaker 1: to be safe and there's going to be love and

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Speaker 1: we're going to have a good time. Was the transition

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Speaker 1: with the teenagers or the older kids a little bit

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Speaker 1: more difficult than the young ones who came running up

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Speaker 1: to you immediately. I don't think that it was difficult.

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Speaker 1: I think that it was different. I wouldn't say it

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Speaker 1: was difficult with them because they were probably a lot

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Speaker 1: easier in the beginning. Having there, they were very parentified,

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Speaker 1: so they were very used to looking out for the

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Speaker 1: better good of those children, and so I think for them,

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Speaker 1: whether they thought it was the best idea or not,

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Speaker 1: they knew that it was the best idea for their

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Speaker 1: little siblings, and so they were going to do it

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Speaker 1: no matter what. And that just I mean it, it

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Speaker 1: breaks your heart when you hear that. But in the

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Speaker 1: beginning they were very you know, easygoing, and it took

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Speaker 1: a while for them to develop their own safety and

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Speaker 1: their own feelings of being able to bring their their

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Speaker 1: thoughts out and their emotions to grow. And so there's

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Speaker 1: been separate work that's gone on with them as far

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Speaker 1: as emotional growth. I talked about she was eleven when

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Speaker 1: she came, my ruby, and she's thirteen now. When she

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Speaker 1: first came, I said, you know, parts of her are

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Speaker 1: like nine, and other parts of her like twenty two.

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Speaker 1: She's very very mature, very articulate in many ways and

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Speaker 1: in other ways very immature because parts of her had

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Speaker 1: to be put on hold so that she could focus

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Speaker 1: on survival, in survival for the kids and getting finding

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Speaker 1: foods sometimes or you know, they were homeless at times,

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Speaker 1: and just things that they had gone through where there

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Speaker 1: was domestic violence, so protection of the children. She just

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Speaker 1: was very maternal. I met some folks that knew the

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Speaker 1: kids through my Instagram. They saw the story. The story

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Speaker 1: was very publicized before I created this instagram that I

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Speaker 1: talked about trauma and foster care and adoption and everything.

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Speaker 1: I met some folks that said, I think I know

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Speaker 1: these kids. Did they live in this park in San Diego?

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Speaker 1: And I asked my daughter. She said, yeah, that's where

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Speaker 1: we lived in that park before we went to the

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Speaker 1: tent shelter. And she said. This woman said, I was

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Speaker 1: so concerned because I saw this nine year old girl

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Speaker 1: taking care of five kids by herself in this huge

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Speaker 1: park in San Diego and there were no parents around,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't know where anybody was. And she described

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Speaker 1: exactly what I had thought. That my daughter really had

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Speaker 1: been sort of in charge of the brood, you know,

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Speaker 1: and pushing the wing and you know, helping them down

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Speaker 1: the slide and you know, and we're talking about the

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Speaker 1: baby was like a one year old at that time,

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Speaker 1: and she's you know, in charge of all of them

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Speaker 1: and she was nine, just barely turning ten. So wow,

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Speaker 1: what it was the story of the birth parents? I mean,

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Speaker 1: so they're all the same parents, yes, and they died

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Speaker 1: in a car crash. They did. So the parents themselves

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Speaker 1: actually came grew up in the foster system, so there

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Speaker 1: was very little family support for them. There was very

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Speaker 1: little even contact with biological families, and you know, obviously

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Speaker 1: dysfunctional for you know, the kids to have not grown

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Speaker 1: up in the home and you know, so there were

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Speaker 1: issues on both of their parts in their own families

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Speaker 1: growing up, and unfortunately, they developed drug addictions that you know,

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Speaker 1: by all the reports sort of got worse and worse

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Speaker 1: and worse as the year went by. They had some

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Speaker 1: periods of time where they were doing okay and had

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Speaker 1: a nice house and had plenty of food, and then

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Speaker 1: other periods of time where they didn't have anything and

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Speaker 1: had to live with other people and you know, really

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Speaker 1: like scrape and borrow for food. So it was sort

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Speaker 1: of this up and down by the reports that I

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Speaker 1: have from kids or you know, some family friends that

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Speaker 1: I've found. And they mostly grew up in Las Vegas

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Speaker 1: and went to San Diego to sort of make a

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Speaker 1: fresh start. And when they went to San Diego, they

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Speaker 1: really didn't have anything in their pockets and more homeless

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Speaker 1: for a while, got into an apartment and then decided

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Speaker 1: that they were going to leave and moved to Texas.

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Speaker 1: So they packed up a U haul trailer with as

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Speaker 1: much as they could stuff in it, and they bought

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Speaker 1: a secondhand car and they you know, put all the

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Speaker 1: kids in there with no car seats or anything, and

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Speaker 1: took off to drive to Texas. In on that drive

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Speaker 1: before they left California, they were still on the California

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Speaker 1: side of things, they flipped the vehicle somehow it flipped

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Speaker 1: multiple times, and of course the trailer just you know,

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Speaker 1: everything exploded out of the trailer. The kids were all

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Speaker 1: thrown from the vehicle. The parents were thrown from the

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Speaker 1: vehicle but died instantly, and the kids, they had varying

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Speaker 1: degrees of injury. Some the older two were pretty severely injured,

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Speaker 1: and then down to the baby who barely had a scratch, amazingly,

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Speaker 1: but they some of them remember the accident, some of

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Speaker 1: them don't remember because they all had head injuries I'm

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Speaker 1: sure from being you know, tumbled and thrown from the

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Speaker 1: vehicle and folks stopped on the side of the road

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Speaker 1: to help them. And then you know, they were split

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Speaker 1: up into different hospitals and then went to a group

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Speaker 1: home in San Diego, where they found a foster family

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Speaker 1: that could at least take all of them together, so

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Speaker 1: they were able to stay together in their foster family,

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Speaker 1: but it wasn't ideal and it wasn't an adoptive family.

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Speaker 1: So that's how they came to be in this news

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Speaker 1: story because they really try, of course, not to separate siblings.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, wow, you are an angel, I mean you

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Speaker 1: you It's it's so interesting because there's so I have

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Speaker 1: so many I can't even ask questions, just just the

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Speaker 1: the the having to deal with not just one child

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Speaker 1: or two, but seven children's traumas, you know, in varying

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Speaker 1: degrees of it. You know, the ones who don't remember

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Speaker 1: anything but unconsciously are feeling things. You know, the older

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Speaker 1: ones who might and have different they're different sets of traumas.

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Speaker 1: I mean, you are running the gambit really on on

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Speaker 1: on trauma. I mean, how are you dealing with that

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Speaker 1: sort of on a day to day basis, because that

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Speaker 1: doesn't go away, you know what I mean? Yeah, And

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Speaker 1: I think I suppose it's it's sort of a blessing

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Speaker 1: that each child processes differently, and so they process on

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Speaker 1: their own timeline. You know, there's there's so many feelings.

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Speaker 1: But as I mentioned the teenagers, sort of theirs was

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Speaker 1: sort of more delayed as far as processing. I think

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Speaker 1: they were still in just survival mode, like we're here.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if we trust this, but for now

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Speaker 1: it's safe, you know. I'm sure for a while it

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Speaker 1: probably felt like is this real? Is this going to

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Speaker 1: go away? Like, you know, just the things that would

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Speaker 1: be said to me, like wow, it's so nice to

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00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,439
Speaker 1: have like a nice meal every night and just know

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Speaker 1: that it's going to be here, and you know, just

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Speaker 1: a couple things like that where you're like, you know,

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Speaker 1: you're just blows your mind and that's the reward for

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00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:41,679
Speaker 1: you know, for dealing with all of their their trauma.

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Speaker 1: I think that's the nurse part of me that you know,

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Speaker 1: I just I want to help them and the mother

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Speaker 1: part of me. To be honest, Yes, I was a

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Speaker 1: nurse for fifteen years. Yes I'm an attorney. But I'll

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Speaker 1: tell you, when I was a little girl, all I

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Speaker 1: ever wanted to be was a mom. People would ask me,

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Speaker 1: what do you want to be when you grow up?

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Speaker 1: I want to be a mom. And if I have

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Speaker 1: to work, I want to work with ladies who have

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Speaker 1: babies because I love And that's what I did, because

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00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:09,200
Speaker 1: I love, you know, just children and just the whole

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Speaker 1: idea of mothering. And so I think just I definitely

352
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Speaker 1: don't think I'm an angel, but I think I'm a

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Speaker 1: natural mom, and I think, you know, I am a nurse.

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Speaker 1: I'm a nurse and a mom, and it just fits

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Speaker 1: together with this passion that I have for helping children. Heal.

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Speaker 1: How about your husband, I mean, you know, having that

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Speaker 1: male figure in your adoptive kids' lives, and I'm sure

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Speaker 1: he's just as amazing, you know, and hands on and

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00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,720
Speaker 1: ready and willing to sort of participate in all the

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00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:48,560
Speaker 1: good and all the bad. Huh. Absolutely, my husband was.

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Speaker 1: He's always been a baby snuggler, He's always loved the

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Speaker 1: little ones. He's always loved the tickling and the wrestling,

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Speaker 1: and you know, just running around with kids. I mean

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Speaker 1: I would find him wrestling, you know, with my my

365
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,360
Speaker 1: older kids, my bio kids. All the time, they'd be wrestling.

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Speaker 1: The thing about his career was he was in the

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Speaker 1: Navy and then he worked for the post Office and

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00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,399
Speaker 1: he was getting towards the end of his postal career

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Speaker 1: and getting ready to retire. So he actually retired last year.

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Speaker 1: And he's a full time stay home dad awesome. So

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Speaker 1: he's definitely hands on, especially with COVID and all the

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Speaker 1: homeschoolies that we've had to do. He's definitely hands on.

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Speaker 1: And he is an amazing man. I mean he you know,

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00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:35,000
Speaker 1: through all of our lives together. We met when we

375
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,600
Speaker 1: were in high school. We were teenagers when we met.

376
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,919
Speaker 1: We've been married for thirty three years this month, and

377
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:48,280
Speaker 1: he's just an incredible guy. He's one of those strong, silent, supportive,

378
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,800
Speaker 1: do whatever whatever makes you happy, babe kind of thing.

379
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,119
Speaker 1: You want to go to law school and we have

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00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:57,600
Speaker 1: five kids, sure, go right. You know how many men

381
00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:01,199
Speaker 1: would be like, no problem, go for it, you know. Yeah,

382
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:03,600
Speaker 1: So that's just kind of how he is. He's a

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00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:09,960
Speaker 1: hard worker, he's he's just a naturally kind, caring person,

384
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,960
Speaker 1: and we know how to parent together. We know how

385
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,199
Speaker 1: to make that team. You know, We've done it for

386
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:26,040
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430
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431
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432
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433
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434
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:52,000
Speaker 1: ones will be taking care of. It's a morbid thought,

435
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:56,600
Speaker 1: I get it, but it's a necessity. It's just a

436
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,800
Speaker 1: fact of life. We don't want to leave our loved

437
00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,760
Speaker 1: ones holding the bag, if you know what I mean.

438
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:07,560
Speaker 1: So go to policygenius dot com to get started Policy Genius.

439
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,840
Speaker 1: When it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right.

440
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:20,199
Speaker 1: I'm curious about the foster care, the reality of that

441
00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:24,280
Speaker 1: when you're fostering kids and then you have to I mean,

442
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,919
Speaker 1: how do you not keep the children? I mean, you know,

443
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,720
Speaker 1: for me, It's one of those things where it's like

444
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,520
Speaker 1: I even look at it, like, you know, when I'm

445
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:35,480
Speaker 1: fostering and even an animal, let alone a child, it's

446
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:40,119
Speaker 1: hard to give the animal to their forever home. You

447
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:43,640
Speaker 1: know what is that process? Like there's a saying in

448
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:47,240
Speaker 1: the foster community and like a hashtag that we used

449
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:51,359
Speaker 1: to and it's get too attached. People always say I

450
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:53,680
Speaker 1: couldn't do it. I would get too attached, and we say,

451
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:57,400
Speaker 1: get too attached. That's what they need. They need attachment,

452
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:01,119
Speaker 1: they need our love, they need our whole heart. And

453
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,720
Speaker 1: does your heart break into a million pieces when they leave?

454
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:07,960
Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely it does. I cry for days, But you

455
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:11,880
Speaker 1: know what, my heart's broken, not theirs, And that's what matters.

456
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:15,199
Speaker 1: That's what matters. And so the whole time you do it,

457
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:16,919
Speaker 1: I mean I even get chills thinking of some of

458
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,240
Speaker 1: my babies that I had to let go. But I

459
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:21,959
Speaker 1: keep in touch with them because what I do is

460
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:26,840
Speaker 1: as I understand the safety of the situation or where

461
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,320
Speaker 1: they're going to go, I start to develop a relationship

462
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:33,000
Speaker 1: with either that bioparents that they're going to go back to,

463
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:34,640
Speaker 1: because it looks like, hey, they're going to go back

464
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,120
Speaker 1: to mom, Mom got out of the bad situation with dad.

465
00:27:37,119 --> 00:27:39,080
Speaker 1: They're going to go back to mom. So I write

466
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,760
Speaker 1: Mam a letter, Hey, you know your children are amazing.

467
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:44,719
Speaker 1: Can't wait to meet you. You know they love you

468
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,280
Speaker 1: so much, because you know, the foster system is based

469
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:53,080
Speaker 1: on attempting to reunify, and I think it probably for me,

470
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:57,520
Speaker 1: probably helped that I wasn't looking to adopt. I wasn't

471
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:01,479
Speaker 1: looking to grow my family necessarily, which you know, some

472
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,159
Speaker 1: parents who are in it for that and really want

473
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:05,879
Speaker 1: to grow their family. It's got to be twice the

474
00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:10,000
Speaker 1: heartbreak for them imagining maybe this could be my child,

475
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:12,359
Speaker 1: but we don't know until the case progresses for a year,

476
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:14,320
Speaker 1: you know, and thinking like that for a year and

477
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:17,240
Speaker 1: then having to give them back. I can't imagine that

478
00:28:17,359 --> 00:28:20,720
Speaker 1: difficulty for me. I always thought from the very beginning,

479
00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:25,440
Speaker 1: this is not my child, but I am long term caregiver,

480
00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:30,120
Speaker 1: long term nursing assignment. If you will, you know, It's

481
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:32,480
Speaker 1: like I'm going to give them everything, and I want

482
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:34,439
Speaker 1: to heal them, and I want to help them, but

483
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:37,919
Speaker 1: I also want to help and heal their parents. If

484
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:40,880
Speaker 1: they're going back to their parents, I want healing to

485
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,280
Speaker 1: take place there. So I would tell the moms, I

486
00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:48,320
Speaker 1: would say, you heal yourself, and all care for your

487
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,600
Speaker 1: baby while you heal yourself, and then you'll be back

488
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:54,440
Speaker 1: together soon. And I think, just feeling that support, I've

489
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:57,479
Speaker 1: had bioparents come back to me and say, you know,

490
00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:00,400
Speaker 1: nobody in any of my classes has the kind of

491
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:03,959
Speaker 1: support that you give from their foster families. You know,

492
00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:06,280
Speaker 1: they just tell me like, thank you so much. I

493
00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:08,240
Speaker 1: know that my kids are taken care of, and I

494
00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:12,280
Speaker 1: know it's you know, it's just grace. It's grace, and

495
00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:16,360
Speaker 1: it's forgiveness, and it's you know, I had I had

496
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:18,640
Speaker 1: a brother myself who was a drug addict. It's not

497
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 1: it's not judging. It's not judging. My brother died from

498
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:25,520
Speaker 1: a heroin overdose. Who am I to judge you because

499
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 1: you have a situation where you fell into drug addiction

500
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:30,720
Speaker 1: and couldn't take care of your baby for a little while.

501
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,600
Speaker 1: Just get well, Just get well and take care of you. Know,

502
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:35,720
Speaker 1: your baby loves you, and your baby wants you back,

503
00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 1: and I'm here to help you during that time. So

504
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:44,240
Speaker 1: fostering is definitely an emotional roller coaster. It takes it

505
00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:48,240
Speaker 1: takes a lot out of you. But it's it's so rewarding. Well,

506
00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:53,120
Speaker 1: I actually want to just the concept of love, you know,

507
00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:58,160
Speaker 1: because traditionally, you know, you have a child and that

508
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,840
Speaker 1: child is looking at you, and you're looking at your child,

509
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:04,720
Speaker 1: and that love happens immediately. I mean, there's something unconditional

510
00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:08,960
Speaker 1: about it. You can't control it, it's just there. When

511
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:13,840
Speaker 1: you are an adopted child or the parents who are adopting,

512
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 1: love is different. And I'm just I'm pontificating here. I

513
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:22,960
Speaker 1: don't know, I'm honestly asking. But it grows, it moves,

514
00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:26,040
Speaker 1: It's not just right there. Does it take time to

515
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:29,400
Speaker 1: fall in love with your kids, your new kids, and

516
00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:31,680
Speaker 1: does it take time for them to fall in love

517
00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:35,000
Speaker 1: with you? There must be a process there, right. So

518
00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,880
Speaker 1: interesting that you're bringing this up because I was just

519
00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:40,800
Speaker 1: on my Instagram talking to another adoptive mom about the

520
00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:43,719
Speaker 1: same subject and she was saying, you know, sometimes I

521
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:47,360
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, I'm missing something, like am I

522
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:50,240
Speaker 1: a bad mom? Because I don't didn't feel that instantaneous

523
00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:54,960
Speaker 1: connection and so there's so many complications to that. But

524
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:58,240
Speaker 1: the thing that and depending on age and what they've

525
00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:00,959
Speaker 1: gone through and what they remember, all of those things.

526
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:05,720
Speaker 1: But the thing that they teach you in sort of

527
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:09,040
Speaker 1: the science of caring for traumatized children or caring for

528
00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:11,880
Speaker 1: children that you're trying to create a new attachment with.

529
00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 1: There's so many bonding things that you can do, and

530
00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 1: it's interesting to see that there are studies that show

531
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:25,000
Speaker 1: that even up to age seven, rocking a child fosters

532
00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:28,880
Speaker 1: bonding with the mom and the child. So it's not

533
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:32,240
Speaker 1: just that I'm trying to make this child be attached

534
00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:34,520
Speaker 1: to me, but I'm bonding with the child as well.

535
00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:39,400
Speaker 1: You go backwards, you reparent, they call it reparenting. So

536
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:43,240
Speaker 1: these kids every night, not the teenagers obviously, but the

537
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:47,160
Speaker 1: five youngest. Every night, I would rock each of them

538
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:51,760
Speaker 1: before bedtime, and I would just rock them and eye contact,

539
00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:53,920
Speaker 1: look in your eyes. I mean I wasn't rocking them

540
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:56,480
Speaker 1: to sleep at this point, I was bonding with them.

541
00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:58,800
Speaker 1: So I would sit on their floor and I would

542
00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:01,560
Speaker 1: take turns rocking and then they would Some of them

543
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:04,200
Speaker 1: would say I'm done now, and other ones would stay

544
00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:09,239
Speaker 1: there forever. But so rocking is one thing that is

545
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:12,760
Speaker 1: incredibly powerful. If you think about how we bond with

546
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:14,760
Speaker 1: our newborns, what's the first thing we do We look

547
00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:17,320
Speaker 1: in their eyes and we rock them. Well, that works.

548
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:20,200
Speaker 1: That works with kids who've never had it before. It

549
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,240
Speaker 1: works incredibly with kids who've never had that bonding time

550
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:26,160
Speaker 1: because they've missed that, and so you go backwards and

551
00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:30,000
Speaker 1: you reparent them. So not only the rocking, but the

552
00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:33,840
Speaker 1: eye contact when they're eating is another thing. So what

553
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:35,680
Speaker 1: do we do when we feed our babies? You know,

554
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:37,920
Speaker 1: we either hold them with a bottle and we're looking

555
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:40,160
Speaker 1: in their eyes and cooing at them and feeding them.

556
00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:43,200
Speaker 1: We're looking at them, or a mother is nursing and

557
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: they're looking at their baby. So you feed your kids

558
00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,280
Speaker 1: and you face them and you look at them, and

559
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 1: they're eating a bowl of ice cream and you just

560
00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:52,000
Speaker 1: look at them and you talk to them because eating

561
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:55,840
Speaker 1: is pleasurable and we're bonding, eye contact, bonding, and so

562
00:32:56,360 --> 00:33:00,160
Speaker 1: there's a lot of science behind bonding with children and

563
00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:02,760
Speaker 1: at different stages of their lives and different you know,

564
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:06,600
Speaker 1: areas of trauma. Another thing is positive touch. So I

565
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:09,560
Speaker 1: tried every day, which was hard. I lost count. Sometimes

566
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:12,440
Speaker 1: I tried every day to give ten positive touches to

567
00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:14,320
Speaker 1: each kid, whether it's it's like a pat on the

568
00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:17,320
Speaker 1: head or a pat on the shoulder, you know, eye contact,

569
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:20,360
Speaker 1: it in positive touch. So there's things to do that

570
00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:23,920
Speaker 1: can foster that bonding and that love and that connection.

571
00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:27,880
Speaker 1: But it comes at different times with different kids, depending

572
00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:31,120
Speaker 1: on where they're at emotionally and how ready they are

573
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:33,320
Speaker 1: to receive it. And some days they're really ready to

574
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:36,800
Speaker 1: receive it, and other days they're they're grieving or they're

575
00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:40,440
Speaker 1: going through some difficult you know, behavior issues or whatever.

576
00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:43,600
Speaker 1: But just ending that day with our bonding was what

577
00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:47,760
Speaker 1: we did for several months in the beginning to really

578
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:59,160
Speaker 1: make that, you know, by as article, I am in

579
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:05,600
Speaker 1: the process of remodeling two houses. It's been long overdue.

580
00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:08,560
Speaker 1: I've had my house over here. I've had my house

581
00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:15,440
Speaker 1: for seventeen years and it's wow, it's been fifteen years

582
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:18,279
Speaker 1: since I've done anything to it, and now I'm doing

583
00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:21,879
Speaker 1: a full like it's like time, you know, my house

584
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:29,040
Speaker 1: needs a facelift. And so I'm looking at article like crazy,

585
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:33,279
Speaker 1: and there's some really really good stuff. I absolutely love

586
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:37,319
Speaker 1: some of their wicker. They've got really cute out They've

587
00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:40,600
Speaker 1: got a great outdoor setup the garden terrace. This is

588
00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:43,040
Speaker 1: a good look. This is a very good look. We

589
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:47,280
Speaker 1: have outdoor furniture from article in the backyard right now,

590
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:55,759
Speaker 1: and it is fantastic. It's not expensive and looks expensive.

591
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:59,040
Speaker 1: This is what we want out of life. It's not

592
00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:04,240
Speaker 1: inexpensive be because it's made an expensively. It's inexpensive because

593
00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:07,799
Speaker 1: they cut the middleman out. So what you have is

594
00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:13,280
Speaker 1: a more direct to consumer experience, so they can cut

595
00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:16,360
Speaker 1: that sort of that price off that you would the

596
00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:20,880
Speaker 1: typical retail pricing. Right there's no showrooms, there's no salespeople,

597
00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:26,240
Speaker 1: there's no retail markups. So you're getting the quality, yes,

598
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:29,640
Speaker 1: without all of those extra added on costs. Can I

599
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:32,560
Speaker 1: tell you what my favorite outdoor items are. I love

600
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:37,040
Speaker 1: the Tana stool. The Tuna stool is like, it's really great,

601
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:41,480
Speaker 1: it's super sleek, it's modern. And the Colova side tables

602
00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:43,200
Speaker 1: one of my favorites because I do love a little

603
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:46,040
Speaker 1: wicker and I would pair that with the Livia Natural

604
00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:50,160
Speaker 1: Lounge chair. I like that whole little situation and if

605
00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:53,840
Speaker 1: you want to spruce up your outdoor area, the Livia

606
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:57,319
Speaker 1: Natural Lounge chair, for instance, is one hundred and ninety

607
00:35:57,360 --> 00:36:01,160
Speaker 1: nine dollars. The designs are amazing, Honestly, they're really great.

608
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:07,759
Speaker 1: They exemplify my personality, which is mid century Scandinavian, industrial

609
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:12,120
Speaker 1: and Bohemian. If that doesn't scream Oliver Hudson, honestly nothing

610
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:15,800
Speaker 1: does anyway. Article article is offering our listeners fifty dollars

611
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:18,719
Speaker 1: off of your first purchase of one hundred dollars or more.

612
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:22,520
Speaker 1: So go to article dot com slash sibling and the

613
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:26,080
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614
00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:29,800
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615
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:34,000
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616
00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:39,680
Speaker 1: go to article dot com. If you know what is

617
00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:50,680
Speaker 1: good for you? How is it going now? Now, it's

618
00:36:50,719 --> 00:36:56,320
Speaker 1: been almost two years since they moved in. Our adoption

619
00:36:56,520 --> 00:37:01,600
Speaker 1: was final last August. But for us, us, the adoption

620
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,520
Speaker 1: was really a formality. I mean from the moment they

621
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:07,680
Speaker 1: moved in, there was no question that they were forever,

622
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,279
Speaker 1: you know, when we told them from day one, you're

623
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:13,880
Speaker 1: here forever. This is security, safety, We're never leaving, you know,

624
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:17,440
Speaker 1: like this is your home if something ever happened to us.

625
00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:19,439
Speaker 1: Look at all of these other people that are here.

626
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,200
Speaker 1: You now have grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles

627
00:37:22,239 --> 00:37:25,160
Speaker 1: and brothers and sisters. You know, so it was just

628
00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:28,160
Speaker 1: reminding them over and over again of that security. And

629
00:37:28,239 --> 00:37:32,759
Speaker 1: I would say that, you know, because of COVID, things

630
00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:36,000
Speaker 1: are a little abnormal still. We just barely started going

631
00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:39,040
Speaker 1: back to school half days, so I don't want to

632
00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:42,479
Speaker 1: say things are normal, but things are definitely routine now.

633
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:46,799
Speaker 1: When I talk on my I blogged a lot kind

634
00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:49,600
Speaker 1: of through my Instagram posts for the first year, and

635
00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:51,400
Speaker 1: I talked about my husband and I sleeping on the

636
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:54,080
Speaker 1: floor in the hallway and making sure that they knew

637
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:57,600
Speaker 1: that we were there. And there was an instance where

638
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:01,360
Speaker 1: my daughter was my seven year old at the time,

639
00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:04,279
Speaker 1: she was coming in every night for telling me she

640
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:07,240
Speaker 1: had bad dreams, and I thought, well, this is unusual.

641
00:38:07,239 --> 00:38:08,719
Speaker 1: It just kind of popped up out of nowhere. You

642
00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:11,680
Speaker 1: have bad dreams. And then so I said, you don't

643
00:38:11,719 --> 00:38:13,920
Speaker 1: want to tell me about your dream, honey, and maybe

644
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:15,920
Speaker 1: we can talk about it and see what's making you

645
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:17,759
Speaker 1: have bad dreams. And she kind of thought about it

646
00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:20,399
Speaker 1: for a minute and then she says, I didn't really

647
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:23,360
Speaker 1: have a bad dream. And I said, oh, what happened?

648
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:25,719
Speaker 1: And she said, I just want to make sure you're

649
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:29,720
Speaker 1: still here. She was coming into my room at midnight

650
00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:32,880
Speaker 1: every night making sure I wasn't gone, And that was

651
00:38:33,040 --> 00:38:36,440
Speaker 1: like six months in, you know, so it takes time.

652
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:40,359
Speaker 1: But I really feel like now we're in a routine.

653
00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,360
Speaker 1: We have all the rules down, we have kind of

654
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:46,400
Speaker 1: the family culture. You know, everybody kind of knows the

655
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:48,920
Speaker 1: culture of the family. This is how we run things,

656
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:52,600
Speaker 1: this is and we've we've adapted obviously a new normal

657
00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:55,560
Speaker 1: because they bring their own part of culture, you know,

658
00:38:55,680 --> 00:39:00,120
Speaker 1: into their own behaviors into our family culture. But I

659
00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:04,040
Speaker 1: feel I feel pretty normal now. I feel like I

660
00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:07,680
Speaker 1: feel like everyone. You know, do you feel like you

661
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:12,600
Speaker 1: discipline your bio You disciplined your bio kids differently than

662
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:15,960
Speaker 1: you're than you're then you're disciplining your new family, your

663
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:19,040
Speaker 1: new children, just because of based on who they are

664
00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:24,800
Speaker 1: and the traumas that they've been through. Not really, because

665
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:30,480
Speaker 1: I think those fundamental basics of parenting that that we

666
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,719
Speaker 1: have in the back of our minds, like you know,

667
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:35,920
Speaker 1: these are we should say please and thank you or

668
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:38,960
Speaker 1: you know, just basic things like that that we're teaching

669
00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:43,839
Speaker 1: your children I think are all pretty similar. We you know,

670
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:47,479
Speaker 1: they they have chores just like you know our older

671
00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:49,919
Speaker 1: kids had, and they you know, different things like that.

672
00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:53,840
Speaker 1: That we felt that helped them develop responsibility and character.

673
00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:57,439
Speaker 1: You know, when we were raising our first family, we

674
00:39:57,560 --> 00:40:00,359
Speaker 1: sort of try to instill those same things. Are their

675
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:06,440
Speaker 1: nuances sure, because you know they're with the teenagers, I

676
00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:11,640
Speaker 1: sometimes have to. I have to take into account their

677
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:17,319
Speaker 1: remaining feelings of insecurity. I think those feelings last a

678
00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:20,799
Speaker 1: lot longer in the teenagers. And so, you know, I

679
00:40:20,880 --> 00:40:23,399
Speaker 1: was kind of on one of them the other day

680
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:25,680
Speaker 1: about school, and I was like, look, you know, and

681
00:40:27,239 --> 00:40:31,640
Speaker 1: and he really reacted very differently than he normally reacts

682
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 1: to anything, and I thought, oh, okay, I hit a nerve,

683
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:38,960
Speaker 1: you know, And and so do you parent differently, yes,

684
00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:42,840
Speaker 1: because you want to take into account what they're dealing

685
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:45,799
Speaker 1: with and where they're coming from. And you know, they

686
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:48,239
Speaker 1: have triggers that you don't even know they have, or

687
00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:51,040
Speaker 1: they don't even know they have. Right, So, so I

688
00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:53,680
Speaker 1: triggered something the other day and I just had to

689
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:57,520
Speaker 1: back way off. Whereas I was approaching it like I

690
00:40:57,520 --> 00:41:00,799
Speaker 1: would normally approach the way I got on my other

691
00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:04,319
Speaker 1: kids about school, you know, like you know you're never

692
00:41:04,360 --> 00:41:08,880
Speaker 1: going to get into college, and you know, and you know,

693
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,760
Speaker 1: saying those kinds of things and then I triggered something.

694
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:13,560
Speaker 1: I don't know what I triggered. I don't know why

695
00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:16,160
Speaker 1: I triggered. He probably didn't even know why. But I

696
00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:19,840
Speaker 1: had to back up and think, Wow, Okay, I can't

697
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:22,719
Speaker 1: always do the same thing with every single kid because

698
00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:27,000
Speaker 1: they're coming to me in a different place. So yes

699
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:30,319
Speaker 1: and no, you know, is the answer to that. What

700
00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:33,759
Speaker 1: were what were your your birth children's response to you

701
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:41,000
Speaker 1: adopting seven kids. The thing about fostering for five six years,

702
00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:43,480
Speaker 1: five and a half six years before was that they

703
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:48,640
Speaker 1: were used to these other little little personalities in our

704
00:41:48,680 --> 00:41:52,320
Speaker 1: family gatherings. You know, part of fostering is making the

705
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:54,960
Speaker 1: children that are with you feel part of your family

706
00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:59,440
Speaker 1: at the time, making them have the full experience of

707
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:02,000
Speaker 1: the family. So you know, they're always part of family

708
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:05,000
Speaker 1: parties or family get togethers, you have little birthday parties

709
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:08,120
Speaker 1: for them, things like that. And so all of my

710
00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:12,680
Speaker 1: bio children were used to that for several years, and

711
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:14,120
Speaker 1: so I don't think it was that big of a

712
00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:16,800
Speaker 1: leap to say, you know that we're adopting they. I

713
00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:18,840
Speaker 1: think they kind of knew that we were always gonna

714
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:20,880
Speaker 1: foster and there were always going to be little ones

715
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:25,399
Speaker 1: around but I don't think it was that. I mean,

716
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:28,200
Speaker 1: you know, for they were like, I mean, this is

717
00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:30,399
Speaker 1: the mom who goes to law school when she's got

718
00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:32,680
Speaker 1: five kids at home. They were probably like okay, sure,

719
00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:36,359
Speaker 1: yeah that's mom. You know, Like I kind of feel

720
00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:39,080
Speaker 1: like they were probably like not surprised, but not surprised,

721
00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:41,799
Speaker 1: like okay, yeah, my mom could do that, My mom

722
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:46,239
Speaker 1: would do that. So they were very accepting. I think

723
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:50,279
Speaker 1: my oldest son, who was thirty, was like, you know,

724
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:53,480
Speaker 1: are you you know your retirement and you know, it

725
00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:57,319
Speaker 1: was very like put he counseled us, you know, to

726
00:42:57,440 --> 00:43:00,840
Speaker 1: make sure that you know this is a why decision

727
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:04,520
Speaker 1: financially and health wives and everything, you know. But other

728
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:08,040
Speaker 1: than that concern, I think for just you know, he said,

729
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:10,360
Speaker 1: all right, if you say you're okay, then I'm, you know,

730
00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:14,000
Speaker 1: behind you one hundred percent. It was really they're great kids.

731
00:43:14,080 --> 00:43:17,239
Speaker 1: They're they're great kids. They have beautiful hearts, and they've

732
00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:19,560
Speaker 1: just embraced these kids. I remember the first time we

733
00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:22,160
Speaker 1: all got together as one, right before they moved in.

734
00:43:22,200 --> 00:43:26,000
Speaker 1: It was Mother's Day and my oldest son was like, wow,

735
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:28,360
Speaker 1: that was a lot less chaotic than I thought it

736
00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:32,480
Speaker 1: would be. So I think at first they had the

737
00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:37,160
Speaker 1: vision of you know, probably one of my most ill

738
00:43:37,239 --> 00:43:40,080
Speaker 1: behaved foster children that I'd ever had. They probably imagined

739
00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:42,920
Speaker 1: seven of those all running around everywhere, climbing the walls

740
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:45,680
Speaker 1: and everything, which you know, that was that kid that

741
00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:47,640
Speaker 1: they were thinking. I was like one that had a

742
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:50,480
Speaker 1: lot of traum Were you were you were you fostering,

743
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:53,399
Speaker 1: but you were fostering kids when they were all in

744
00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:56,000
Speaker 1: your home, when all your bio kids were in your home,

745
00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:59,840
Speaker 1: or just two of them. Yeah, this is the youngest,

746
00:44:00,440 --> 00:44:04,799
Speaker 1: but of course, you know the older three were one

747
00:44:04,800 --> 00:44:06,680
Speaker 1: of them was in college when I first started fostering.

748
00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:08,960
Speaker 1: That by that time, the older three were married, and

749
00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:11,680
Speaker 1: you know, they started to have a baby or two,

750
00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:15,800
Speaker 1: you know, a couple of them. So I think now

751
00:44:15,920 --> 00:44:19,640
Speaker 1: their relationship is they have I have. We have eight grandchildren.

752
00:44:20,239 --> 00:44:23,239
Speaker 1: Our oldest grandchildren are six. We have two six year

753
00:44:23,280 --> 00:44:27,439
Speaker 1: old grandchildren, and so they fit in that. You're so young.

754
00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:32,600
Speaker 1: I can't get over early. It's crazy. How old were

755
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:36,560
Speaker 1: you when you had your first child? I was seventeen.

756
00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:39,640
Speaker 1: We got married when I was seventeen, so you know,

757
00:44:39,880 --> 00:44:43,399
Speaker 1: I graduated high school early. And you know, like I said,

758
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:45,279
Speaker 1: when I was younger, all I wanted to do was

759
00:44:45,400 --> 00:44:47,640
Speaker 1: get married and be a mom, and you know, that's

760
00:44:47,640 --> 00:44:51,280
Speaker 1: what I did. So because I graduated early, we started early,

761
00:44:51,320 --> 00:44:53,960
Speaker 1: and we've been going ever since. We've been parents for

762
00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:58,719
Speaker 1: thirty almost thirty two years. Yeah, because I'm looking at you,

763
00:44:58,800 --> 00:45:01,480
Speaker 1: I'm like, how do you have great and eight grandchildren?

764
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:08,160
Speaker 1: That's insane? Yeah, we started. So advice to people who

765
00:45:08,200 --> 00:45:12,000
Speaker 1: want a foster but don't know where to start, that's

766
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,120
Speaker 1: a great question. I get that question all the time

767
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:20,279
Speaker 1: on my Instagram blog, And really, it's your local county. Everyone's.

768
00:45:20,480 --> 00:45:23,920
Speaker 1: Every state is slightly different, and even from county to

769
00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:27,759
Speaker 1: county can be very different. So the best thing to do,

770
00:45:28,120 --> 00:45:30,279
Speaker 1: I've done this for people who I've been talking to

771
00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:34,680
Speaker 1: on messenger, you know, just google your county and put

772
00:45:34,719 --> 00:45:37,719
Speaker 1: foster care in your county and you'll get some resources.

773
00:45:37,920 --> 00:45:42,040
Speaker 1: Some areas have private agencies and some areas you go

774
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:45,520
Speaker 1: directly through the county. Some places you have a choice.

775
00:45:45,560 --> 00:45:48,520
Speaker 1: So for our county in California, I had a choice

776
00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:51,120
Speaker 1: of going through a private agency or going through the county,

777
00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:54,279
Speaker 1: and I chose a private agency just because there was

778
00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 1: a lot of support and classes and help for the

779
00:45:57,200 --> 00:45:59,560
Speaker 1: foster parents, and I felt like I got good education

780
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:03,000
Speaker 1: as to what to expect and things like that. But

781
00:46:03,040 --> 00:46:05,680
Speaker 1: they'll put you through classes first. You know, they do

782
00:46:05,719 --> 00:46:09,080
Speaker 1: background check and fingerprinting and all of that stuff. There's

783
00:46:09,120 --> 00:46:13,600
Speaker 1: some minimal costs like maybe your CPR classes, maybe some

784
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:15,800
Speaker 1: things you have to buy for your home, like baby

785
00:46:15,840 --> 00:46:19,560
Speaker 1: gates and you know, fire extinguishers, little things like that.

786
00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:23,480
Speaker 1: But a lot of misconception is I have to it

787
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:26,520
Speaker 1: cost me, you know, forty thousand dollars to adopt, even

788
00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:28,959
Speaker 1: from foster care, and that's not the case at all.

789
00:46:29,680 --> 00:46:34,360
Speaker 1: In most places, fostering and adopting from foster care is

790
00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:38,439
Speaker 1: very minimal costs, if not free, and tons of people

791
00:46:38,520 --> 00:46:40,920
Speaker 1: don't know that. They think, how did you afford to

792
00:46:41,080 --> 00:46:43,160
Speaker 1: adopt seven children? You must have had to pay like

793
00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:46,359
Speaker 1: hundreds of thousands of dollars, But from the foster care

794
00:46:46,400 --> 00:46:48,839
Speaker 1: that's not from foster care, that's not the case. They

795
00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:51,920
Speaker 1: want to encourage these children to have forever families. So

796
00:46:51,960 --> 00:46:55,360
Speaker 1: there's a lot of support, but everyone does it slightly differently.

797
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:59,560
Speaker 1: So just look to your local county or state foster

798
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:02,400
Speaker 1: system them and they'll have it all laid out for you.

799
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:09,719
Speaker 1: As far as what the process will be. Wow, amazing. Well,

800
00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:17,520
Speaker 1: I feel inadequate. I need to do something more with

801
00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:21,399
Speaker 1: my life. We each have our talents, so we each

802
00:47:21,440 --> 00:47:24,480
Speaker 1: have our areas of you know that God blesses us

803
00:47:24,680 --> 00:47:27,839
Speaker 1: us with different talents, and I think being a mom

804
00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:30,960
Speaker 1: or caring for kids is it falls in that category.

805
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:33,520
Speaker 1: You mean, I don't play the piano, I don't you know,

806
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:37,640
Speaker 1: I can't sew. I'm not the best cook, but you

807
00:47:37,680 --> 00:47:41,600
Speaker 1: know it's it's one of my just abilities that you know,

808
00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:46,120
Speaker 1: God's blessed me with this nurturing and I just that's

809
00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:51,080
Speaker 1: how I manifest it. Pam, this has been so great.

810
00:47:51,520 --> 00:47:54,440
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

811
00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:58,600
Speaker 1: Thank you. I just know this is going to be

812
00:47:58,760 --> 00:48:01,920
Speaker 1: an episode that people are going to love listening to. Yes,

813
00:48:04,400 --> 00:48:07,319
Speaker 1: I'm so glad. I'm so happy to share it. And

814
00:48:07,840 --> 00:48:11,280
Speaker 1: nothing makes me happier than getting messages on my Instagram

815
00:48:11,280 --> 00:48:13,319
Speaker 1: that say, how do I get started in foster care?

816
00:48:13,400 --> 00:48:16,279
Speaker 1: How do you do it? It's just something that I'm

817
00:48:16,400 --> 00:48:18,880
Speaker 1: so passionate about. I can't take any more children. They

818
00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:23,360
Speaker 1: won't let me. I have. I don't know why. My

819
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:26,560
Speaker 1: home is too full for some reason, but if I

820
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:29,120
Speaker 1: can't take any more myself, then I can at least

821
00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:31,760
Speaker 1: tell others how to do it and inspire others and teach.

822
00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:36,440
Speaker 1: And what is your Instagram handled just so people can know.

823
00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:41,200
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it's called second Chance seven. And I say

824
00:48:41,239 --> 00:48:44,759
Speaker 1: that because it's our second chance at being parents and

825
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:48,520
Speaker 1: it's their second chance at having another family. So second

826
00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:54,480
Speaker 1: dot chance dot number seven. That's great. Pam, thank you

827
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:59,640
Speaker 1: so much. It was a pleasure meeting you. And now

828
00:48:59,640 --> 00:49:01,960
Speaker 1: I'm an I go look at pictures of all of

829
00:49:02,000 --> 00:49:06,160
Speaker 1: your children. I think well sending love to you and

830
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:09,360
Speaker 1: the family and your husband and all your children. Thanks

831
00:49:09,440 --> 00:49:15,680
Speaker 1: so much, You're doing amazing things. Sibling Revelry is executive

832
00:49:15,680 --> 00:49:19,280
Speaker 1: produced by Kate Hudson and Oliver Hudson. Producer is Alison, President,

833
00:49:19,560 --> 00:49:24,959
Speaker 1: editor is Josh Wendish. Music by Mark Hudson aka Uncle Mark.

834
00:49:25,080 --> 00:49:27,080
Speaker 1: If you want to show us some love, rate the

835
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:29,680
Speaker 1: show and leave us a review. This show is powered

836
00:49:29,680 --> 00:49:30,480
Speaker 1: by simple Cast