WEBVTT - Malala, On Losing Herself 0:00:14.956 --> 0:00:33.396 Pushkin. Hey there, it's Maya. If you listen to the show, 0:00:33.516 --> 0:00:36.556 you know that I'm fascinated by how people respond when 0:00:36.596 --> 0:00:39.996 life doesn't go according to plan. My new book with 0:00:40.076 --> 0:00:43.596 Penguin Random House, The Other Side of Change, comes out 0:00:43.676 --> 0:00:47.116 January thirteenth, and it grew out of the same questions 0:00:47.156 --> 0:00:50.116 we explore on this podcast. What do we hold on 0:00:50.196 --> 0:00:52.876 to when life shifts, what do we let go of? 0:00:53.396 --> 0:00:55.636 And how do we find meaning on the other side. 0:00:56.156 --> 0:00:59.156 The Other Side of Change blends all new stories you 0:00:59.236 --> 0:01:03.316 haven't heard on the podcast with new scientific insights on resilience. 0:01:03.756 --> 0:01:05.476 My hope is that it gives you the tools you 0:01:05.556 --> 0:01:08.516 need to navigate your own moments of disruption with a 0:01:08.556 --> 0:01:11.716 greater sense of possibility about who you can become on 0:01:11.796 --> 0:01:14.476 the Other Side of Change. You can learn more and 0:01:14.596 --> 0:01:16.956 pre order now at the link in the show notes 0:01:17.236 --> 0:01:21.236 or at Changewmaya dot com slash book. That's changed with 0:01:21.356 --> 0:01:24.156 Maya dot com slash book, And if you'd like to 0:01:24.156 --> 0:01:28.236 get more involved, I just launch an Ambassador's program, which 0:01:28.276 --> 0:01:32.116 will give you exclusive content, free perks, and invitation to 0:01:32.156 --> 0:01:35.716 a conversation with me and behind the scenes updates. You 0:01:35.756 --> 0:01:40.316 can join this new community at changewithmaya dot com slash join. 0:01:40.796 --> 0:01:43.796 I can't wait to share this book with you. Okay, 0:01:44.036 --> 0:01:46.836 now onto Malala. 0:01:46.916 --> 0:01:50.036 I was in coma when I was seeing the world 0:01:50.156 --> 0:01:53.316 define me or somehow now the bravest girl and the 0:01:53.316 --> 0:01:56.556 most courageous girl, and at fifteen, like, what do you 0:01:56.636 --> 0:01:59.316 know about being brave and being courageous? And what do 0:01:59.396 --> 0:02:00.996 you know about being an activist? 0:02:01.796 --> 0:02:05.836 When Malala Usufsi enters a room, she usually doesn't need 0:02:05.876 --> 0:02:09.596 an introduction. Most people know her story, or at least 0:02:09.596 --> 0:02:12.596 they think they do. They might know that years ago 0:02:12.756 --> 0:02:14.636 she was shot in the face when she was still 0:02:14.676 --> 0:02:18.596 a schoolgirl in Pakistan, or perhaps they know that she's 0:02:18.636 --> 0:02:22.636 the youngest ever recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. For 0:02:22.716 --> 0:02:25.396 those of you who know of Malala but are fuzzy 0:02:25.436 --> 0:02:27.756 on the details of her story, let me give you 0:02:27.796 --> 0:02:31.356 a bit of context. Malala became an activist for girls' 0:02:31.436 --> 0:02:34.316 education in her home country of Pakistan when she was 0:02:34.436 --> 0:02:37.876 just eleven years old, blogging and speaking out against the 0:02:37.916 --> 0:02:41.796 Thaliban band on girls attending school. In twenty twelve, when 0:02:41.836 --> 0:02:44.556 she was fifteen, she was shot in the face by 0:02:44.636 --> 0:02:50.076 Thaliban gunman who boarded her school bus after the attempted assassination. 0:02:50.396 --> 0:02:52.956 She was immediately flown to a hospital in the UK, 0:02:53.556 --> 0:02:56.036 where she spent a week in a coma and underwent 0:02:56.156 --> 0:03:00.556 multiple operations. During this time, and unbeknownst to her, she 0:03:00.676 --> 0:03:05.316 became a global icon. Malala is twenty eight now. She's 0:03:05.356 --> 0:03:08.716 written a new memoir called Finding My Way, which shows 0:03:08.716 --> 0:03:12.436 her menes sides that I had not considered as someone 0:03:12.476 --> 0:03:16.476 who has admired her from Afar. Malala the shy schoolgirl, 0:03:16.796 --> 0:03:21.556 the mischievous college student, the trauma survivor, and the newly 0:03:21.596 --> 0:03:25.276 married woman who continues to grapple with societal norms like 0:03:25.436 --> 0:03:29.196 marriage and having children. Malala is an expert on something 0:03:29.356 --> 0:03:33.316 very relevant to Slight Change listeners, the tension that exists 0:03:33.316 --> 0:03:36.716 between the different versions of ourselves that we carry, who 0:03:36.796 --> 0:03:39.716 the world expects us to be, who our families raised 0:03:39.756 --> 0:03:42.316 us to be, and who we're still in the process 0:03:42.396 --> 0:03:49.316 of becoming. I'm Maya Shunker, a scientist who studies human behavior, 0:03:49.796 --> 0:03:52.436 and this is a slight Change of plans, a show 0:03:52.436 --> 0:03:54.796 about who we are and who we become in the 0:03:54.796 --> 0:04:05.836 face of a big change. I must say there have 0:04:05.876 --> 0:04:08.236 been a few pinch me moments in my life and 0:04:08.836 --> 0:04:11.356 today I guess one of those pinchy moments. And I 0:04:11.356 --> 0:04:13.836 always feel gratitude that I get to do the show 0:04:13.996 --> 0:04:17.636 that sometimes it reaches an extraordinary level. 0:04:17.556 --> 0:04:18.636 That means so much to me. 0:04:18.916 --> 0:04:23.476 And you're doing an amazing podcast and you are speaking 0:04:23.516 --> 0:04:27.876 to incredible people. And I loved the name of the podcast, 0:04:28.316 --> 0:04:31.196 A Slight Change of Plans, because this is what my 0:04:31.236 --> 0:04:34.436 life has been like. I have been changing my plans 0:04:34.476 --> 0:04:37.156 the whole time, so I thought, Wow, this is the 0:04:37.276 --> 0:04:38.436 show I need to be on. 0:04:38.796 --> 0:04:42.996 I'm so glad to hear that. I'm curious to know, Malala, 0:04:43.836 --> 0:04:47.076 how long after you woke up from your coma did 0:04:47.076 --> 0:04:51.756 it register that people all around the world were rallying 0:04:51.836 --> 0:04:52.156 for you. 0:04:52.996 --> 0:04:56.316 This is that time of my life, which I am 0:04:56.476 --> 0:05:00.596 still trying to process. I woke up in a hospital 0:05:00.676 --> 0:05:03.876 in Birmingham in the UK. I was seeing nurses and 0:05:03.916 --> 0:05:08.796 doctors speaking in English. I had to bring these pieces 0:05:08.836 --> 0:05:12.036 of my my memories and flashbacks together to figure out 0:05:12.076 --> 0:05:14.756 what had happened. I knew that I was attacked. I 0:05:14.836 --> 0:05:17.756 knew something bad had happened, but I did not know 0:05:17.756 --> 0:05:20.316 where my family was, who had brought me here, if 0:05:20.356 --> 0:05:23.716 anybody even had heard my story or not I was 0:05:23.836 --> 0:05:26.916 very focused on my physical recovery. I had to go 0:05:27.036 --> 0:05:31.396 through multiple more surgeries for my facial nerve recovery for 0:05:31.556 --> 0:05:35.916 my hearing, and they had removed a piece of my skull, 0:05:35.956 --> 0:05:38.476 which is really hard to explain to people, because the 0:05:38.516 --> 0:05:42.836 brain was technically swelling because of the shooting, and so 0:05:42.876 --> 0:05:46.796 they replaced this part of that skull with a titanium plate. 0:05:47.436 --> 0:05:50.356 And I just could not believe when somebody at the 0:05:50.396 --> 0:05:55.836 hospital showed me photos and videos of people holding play 0:05:55.836 --> 0:05:59.436 cards of I Am Malala, We Stand with Malala, and 0:05:59.556 --> 0:06:03.196 they were just boring their support for the cause of girls' education. 0:06:04.036 --> 0:06:07.236 And one day one of the staff members brought in 0:06:07.356 --> 0:06:11.916 a basket of cars and notes and letters and I 0:06:11.956 --> 0:06:14.476 was like, wow, like, so some people have even written 0:06:14.556 --> 0:06:18.756 to me. And that's when the hospital staff member told 0:06:18.756 --> 0:06:22.076 me that yes, there are like many more boxes like this, 0:06:22.236 --> 0:06:25.996 and you have received thousands and thousands of letters. The 0:06:26.036 --> 0:06:28.756 support of people was everything to me because that gave 0:06:28.836 --> 0:06:32.116 me the courage to know that I was not alone 0:06:32.116 --> 0:06:33.556 in my fight for girls education. 0:06:35.516 --> 0:06:39.116 Did you ever feel amounting pressure within yourself that came 0:06:39.156 --> 0:06:42.756 along with all of these people who are now following 0:06:42.796 --> 0:06:46.596 you and supporting you. But also saw you as this 0:06:47.156 --> 0:06:48.076 heroic symbol. 0:06:49.436 --> 0:06:53.116 There was a lot of pressure because of the sudden 0:06:54.156 --> 0:06:59.316 attention that I received, and I became a girl's education activist. 0:06:59.436 --> 0:07:00.876 And this is what I wanted to do. 0:07:01.916 --> 0:07:05.116 But I think more than it being people's pressure on me, 0:07:05.236 --> 0:07:07.916 it was my own pressure on myself. I felt a 0:07:07.956 --> 0:07:12.436 sense of responsibility that I am now so lucky that 0:07:12.476 --> 0:07:15.236 I have the right to be in a school in 0:07:15.276 --> 0:07:19.276 the UK and be a normal student, and people are 0:07:19.436 --> 0:07:21.516 listening to my story, so I want to use it 0:07:21.596 --> 0:07:24.916 to advocate for other girls around the world. I started 0:07:24.956 --> 0:07:28.236 my nonprofit, Malana Fund, and while I was still a 0:07:28.236 --> 0:07:30.716 student in school, I was doing all of this work. 0:07:31.236 --> 0:07:32.396 But I think in the middle of. 0:07:32.356 --> 0:07:36.796 All of this, I forgot to be myself, forgot to 0:07:36.836 --> 0:07:41.556 be that normal person. I was in Pakistan who had friends, 0:07:41.676 --> 0:07:48.436 who was joyful, mischievous sometimes, and I was looking for 0:07:48.476 --> 0:07:52.116 that part of me. I was in Coma when I 0:07:52.196 --> 0:07:55.596 was seeing the world define me. I was somehow now 0:07:56.676 --> 0:08:00.476 the bravest girl and the most courageous girl, and at fifteen, like, 0:08:00.516 --> 0:08:02.956 what do you know about being brave and being courageous 0:08:03.076 --> 0:08:05.916 and what do you know about being an activist? 0:08:06.516 --> 0:08:08.876 When you were seventeen Malala in high school, as though 0:08:08.876 --> 0:08:13.436 the hero narrative was not pervasive enough. You were awarded 0:08:13.436 --> 0:08:17.996 the Nobel Peace Prize. And I can imagine that this 0:08:18.156 --> 0:08:21.116 is a double edged sword kind of award because on 0:08:21.156 --> 0:08:23.756 the one hand, it is such a boon for your 0:08:23.756 --> 0:08:27.196 advocacy work, right it's shining one of the biggest spotlights 0:08:27.236 --> 0:08:29.756 in the world on the causes you care most about. 0:08:30.476 --> 0:08:34.916 On the other hand, what a weight to be placed 0:08:34.956 --> 0:08:38.476 on a seventeen year old who's still figuring out or 0:08:38.516 --> 0:08:41.396 maybe hasn't even had time to do the normal exploration 0:08:41.836 --> 0:08:46.196 of adolescence. So how did you did you feel that weight? 0:08:46.276 --> 0:08:52.356 Did you feel pressure or anxiety around the receiving of 0:08:52.396 --> 0:08:54.316 the award because of all that it might entail. 0:08:55.476 --> 0:09:00.956 I don't think the Nobel Peace Prize changed things that much, 0:09:01.356 --> 0:09:05.076 because already I was at this stage where I was 0:09:05.716 --> 0:09:10.356 receiving so many recognitions and awards that I had already 0:09:10.396 --> 0:09:15.516 put this responsibility on myself that now you are somehow 0:09:15.516 --> 0:09:17.996 in the list of all of these great activists in 0:09:18.036 --> 0:09:20.116 the world. So you have to figure it all out. 0:09:20.156 --> 0:09:22.596 You need to be able to fix all of these 0:09:22.956 --> 0:09:25.796 problems that girls face. I thought, like all of the 0:09:25.836 --> 0:09:29.196 activists we have heard of in history. They had the 0:09:29.276 --> 0:09:33.436 magic power and they could like change everything in a day. 0:09:33.596 --> 0:09:35.436 Because when you were a kid, that's how you learn 0:09:35.516 --> 0:09:38.276 about heroes. So I was still like fifteen sixteen, This 0:09:38.316 --> 0:09:40.996 is how I understood it. I said, Okay, like, you know, 0:09:41.156 --> 0:09:44.676 maybe once I finished school or something like somehow like 0:09:44.756 --> 0:09:47.196 we'll crack the code and we'll suddenly put all girls 0:09:47.276 --> 0:09:47.756 in school. 0:09:48.356 --> 0:09:50.796 One thing that was so striking to me and reading 0:09:51.356 --> 0:09:57.916 your memoir is that it showed me how it showed 0:09:57.916 --> 0:10:00.516 me an illusion that I had fallen prey to, which 0:10:00.596 --> 0:10:04.476 is I really had painted you as a one dimensional hero. 0:10:05.196 --> 0:10:09.636 I think it's very easy as humans to assign holier 0:10:09.636 --> 0:10:14.316 than Thou status to other human beings, right, because when 0:10:14.316 --> 0:10:18.636 I read about your bravery as a young child, I think, oh, 0:10:18.716 --> 0:10:21.476 she's just a different type of person. She falls into 0:10:21.516 --> 0:10:24.796 a different category of human that is inaccessible to me. 0:10:25.836 --> 0:10:30.036 And one gift I feel your memoir gives all of 0:10:30.076 --> 0:10:35.676 its readers is it bridges the gap between someone like 0:10:35.756 --> 0:10:39.716 me and someone like you. You reveal that you were 0:10:39.756 --> 0:10:44.236 actually just a young girl behind this hero venir. And 0:10:44.316 --> 0:10:47.956 so one question I have for you is, given the 0:10:47.996 --> 0:10:51.156 way the world was portraying you in the media, right, 0:10:51.516 --> 0:10:55.236 Malala the hero. Did you ever feel that you had 0:10:55.236 --> 0:11:00.276 to distort who you were in order to fit that mold. 0:11:01.196 --> 0:11:03.636 Short answer, yes, I think. 0:11:04.956 --> 0:11:08.276 I thought that there is now this defined version of 0:11:08.316 --> 0:11:11.556 me out there and I have to live up to that. 0:11:13.156 --> 0:11:17.196 And for me, that meant that I could not expect 0:11:17.276 --> 0:11:18.276 to have a normal life. 0:11:19.796 --> 0:11:21.596 And I thought it was okay, like not to have 0:11:21.636 --> 0:11:22.796 friends in school. 0:11:23.116 --> 0:11:26.036 I thought, you know, maybe in university as well, that's 0:11:26.076 --> 0:11:28.236 what life is supposed to be. Like. You just go 0:11:28.316 --> 0:11:30.996 and get the top grades and you just move on 0:11:31.196 --> 0:11:33.756 to the busy life that you have where you are 0:11:33.796 --> 0:11:37.596 at conferences and events and giving speeches. But you can 0:11:37.676 --> 0:11:40.516 never really be with people your age. You can never 0:11:40.716 --> 0:11:43.996 see boys and girls, you could never be in parties, 0:11:44.036 --> 0:11:47.556 you could never like just be silly. I just thought 0:11:47.556 --> 0:11:50.636 that that's how maybe it's supposed to be for me. 0:11:51.956 --> 0:11:56.476 But I knew that it was not healthy and I 0:11:56.476 --> 0:12:00.156 could not continue with that. And I realized that when 0:12:00.276 --> 0:12:03.396 I went to university, because they were just moments when 0:12:03.436 --> 0:12:06.756 I felt more like myself and I was like, I 0:12:06.796 --> 0:12:09.796 feel like I'm a free soul here. Yeah, And it 0:12:09.876 --> 0:12:13.556 was the first time that I felt like nobody was 0:12:13.676 --> 0:12:16.796 watching me. I was, you know, away from my parents, 0:12:17.556 --> 0:12:19.316 I was away from my work people. 0:12:19.636 --> 0:12:23.316 Yeah, and it was just me in a new place. 0:12:23.556 --> 0:12:27.036 And my neighbors were my college friends, and of course 0:12:27.036 --> 0:12:29.356 I had security behind me, but you know, they told 0:12:29.396 --> 0:12:31.276 me to ignore them, so I kept ignoring them. 0:12:31.556 --> 0:12:35.156 And I was like, yeah, like, maybe just for a. 0:12:35.116 --> 0:12:40.476 Bit, if I experienced these things where I feel like 0:12:40.516 --> 0:12:43.436 nobody's judging me and nobody's watching me, I just want 0:12:43.476 --> 0:12:44.516 to know what it feels like. 0:12:44.876 --> 0:12:45.356 Yeah. 0:12:45.396 --> 0:12:48.156 So I was doing things like you know, staying up 0:12:48.316 --> 0:12:51.076 late at night, and I went to a club with 0:12:51.116 --> 0:12:52.916 my friends for the first time, which was like you know, 0:12:52.916 --> 0:12:57.676 our college sort of club night, and I climbed the rooftop, 0:12:57.716 --> 0:13:00.436 which was not allowed, which was a very risky thing. 0:13:01.116 --> 0:13:05.116 And it is such an adventure to be, you know, 0:13:05.196 --> 0:13:08.636 that mischievous student, that rebellious student to go up there 0:13:09.276 --> 0:13:12.236 to see how like not many friends were actually willing 0:13:12.276 --> 0:13:14.796 to do it, just to know that this is a 0:13:14.836 --> 0:13:18.076 thriller experience only some want to have. And I am 0:13:18.516 --> 0:13:21.036 in here, like I am on the rooftop of this 0:13:21.156 --> 0:13:24.476 college at midnight, and I can see the college security 0:13:24.516 --> 0:13:27.156 walking down there, and I'm like they can catch us 0:13:27.276 --> 0:13:29.276 any moment, and I could be in trouble forever. 0:13:29.716 --> 0:13:31.196 But I love those moments. 0:13:31.556 --> 0:13:34.156 And I remember just sitting there on the college rooftop, 0:13:34.596 --> 0:13:37.516 breathing in the air and taking it in and just 0:13:37.556 --> 0:13:40.916 to know that I sort of owned the world. And 0:13:40.116 --> 0:13:42.796 I will never forget those moments. 0:13:43.236 --> 0:13:46.116 Yeah, I think it's easy to forget that while you 0:13:46.116 --> 0:13:49.796 were advocating for girls worldwide, right, you were this adolescence 0:13:49.836 --> 0:13:52.916 who was coming into her own and discovering who she was. 0:13:53.676 --> 0:13:59.156 What was it like to explore that side of yourself? Right, 0:13:59.476 --> 0:14:03.516 Because it almost seems like you were never given the 0:14:03.596 --> 0:14:07.316 luxury of time to process not only what you had 0:14:07.316 --> 0:14:09.436 been through, the traumatic experience you'd been through, but to 0:14:10.516 --> 0:14:14.196 actually engage in self reflection about the kind of person 0:14:14.516 --> 0:14:16.196 that you were and the kind of person you wanted 0:14:16.196 --> 0:14:18.996 to be. And in addition to not having the luxury 0:14:19.036 --> 0:14:23.036 of time, you were being given instruction manuals from society, 0:14:23.516 --> 0:14:27.276 from probably your parents, from your culture about who you 0:14:27.356 --> 0:14:30.076 ought to be. Right, And so, from what I could 0:14:30.076 --> 0:14:32.596 tell from your memoir, college was the first time when 0:14:33.116 --> 0:14:36.596 you got to take a step back and really ask yourself, 0:14:37.116 --> 0:14:40.436 who am I and who do I Malala want to 0:14:40.436 --> 0:14:42.596 be without any of that societal pressure. 0:14:42.796 --> 0:14:45.396 And I didn't have any immediate answer to that question. 0:14:46.236 --> 0:14:48.916 But for me, it was accepting the fact that in 0:14:48.956 --> 0:14:51.876 this college I will have experiences that will help me 0:14:51.916 --> 0:14:52.396 find out. 0:14:52.716 --> 0:14:53.076 Yeah. 0:14:53.436 --> 0:14:57.716 I remember on the college opening week, I was signing 0:14:57.836 --> 0:15:01.516 up for everything, different societies like the South Asia Society 0:15:01.596 --> 0:15:05.996 and Islamic Society, and I was like, you know, I 0:15:05.996 --> 0:15:07.876 want to play cricket, I want to play badminton, I 0:15:07.916 --> 0:15:10.196 want to roll, want to be in this club, I 0:15:10.196 --> 0:15:11.396 want to listen to this debate. 0:15:11.476 --> 0:15:13.396 I want to hang out with my friends. 0:15:13.436 --> 0:15:16.156 All the time, I was wondering how I'm going to 0:15:16.196 --> 0:15:19.156 study at the same time, but I had little time 0:15:19.276 --> 0:15:22.796 neft for that. But I wanted to explore things, and 0:15:22.836 --> 0:15:26.076 you will. You only know more about yourself. 0:15:26.116 --> 0:15:28.836 When you have more experiences. 0:15:29.236 --> 0:15:31.076 It's just it's just not possible for you to just 0:15:31.076 --> 0:15:35.156 sit down and like do it all in imagination. Yeah. So, yeah, 0:15:36.356 --> 0:15:39.116 it was a blessing to be there and to get 0:15:39.116 --> 0:15:42.516 this opportunity to have these amazing experiences. 0:15:42.796 --> 0:15:43.876 Yeah. 0:15:43.916 --> 0:15:45.396 One of the things that you write about in your 0:15:45.396 --> 0:15:49.116 book that I feel was so wonderfully candid and honest 0:15:49.156 --> 0:15:51.796 and help to bridge the gap that I felt between 0:15:51.916 --> 0:15:54.556 me and you prior to reading is you open up 0:15:54.596 --> 0:15:57.956 about being self conscious about your face after the shooting 0:15:58.116 --> 0:16:00.636 because the facial nerve was damaged, right, so your left 0:16:00.756 --> 0:16:04.196 eye was drooped, your mouth only moved on one side 0:16:04.196 --> 0:16:07.796 when you smiled. You developed some mechanisms to try to 0:16:07.836 --> 0:16:10.516 conceal the extent to the facial injuries. Right, you cover 0:16:10.556 --> 0:16:14.076 your mouth every time you smiled. And people were very 0:16:14.196 --> 0:16:20.516 cruel online about the facial paralysis. And I appreciate your 0:16:20.556 --> 0:16:23.556 being forthcoming about this because I think it's a very 0:16:23.556 --> 0:16:26.276 brave thing to do. I think it's very easy to 0:16:26.356 --> 0:16:32.076 dismiss views about one's appearance as simply, you know, trivial 0:16:32.636 --> 0:16:35.556 and silly. And there's a quote from your book that 0:16:35.596 --> 0:16:38.516 I would love to read. No matter how much confidence 0:16:38.556 --> 0:16:42.196 I projected on stage and in speeches, I felt too 0:16:42.396 --> 0:16:45.636 ugly to love. It was a harsh truth and one 0:16:45.716 --> 0:16:49.116 I hated admitting to myself because it felt so vain 0:16:49.196 --> 0:16:52.156 and trivial. And then later you go on to say 0:16:52.236 --> 0:16:54.636 you don't need to be attractive to be an activist. 0:16:54.716 --> 0:16:57.596 I told myself, tell me more about that. What a 0:16:57.636 --> 0:17:00.396 confession for you to make. I'm so proud of you 0:17:00.676 --> 0:17:01.996 for saying something like that. 0:17:03.316 --> 0:17:05.916 I had to be honest in sharing more about my 0:17:06.036 --> 0:17:11.116 insecurities because you know, I wanted to be fully myself 0:17:11.156 --> 0:17:16.476 in this book. And as much as I tried to 0:17:16.556 --> 0:17:19.436 keep myself as this strong, brave girl, you know, if 0:17:19.476 --> 0:17:22.876 I was alone in my room, there was this moment 0:17:22.916 --> 0:17:26.036 when I thought, okay, like can I be loved? Can 0:17:26.076 --> 0:17:31.076 I love myself? Those moments were really heartbreaking. In college, 0:17:32.116 --> 0:17:33.996 you know, it was the first time that I was 0:17:33.996 --> 0:17:35.196 seeing boys my age. 0:17:35.236 --> 0:17:37.036 Before that, I was in an all girls. 0:17:36.876 --> 0:17:41.076 School and even in the events and conferences that I 0:17:41.076 --> 0:17:43.636 would go to, it was all like men a lot older. 0:17:44.076 --> 0:17:47.596 So I had never really seen boys my age, and 0:17:47.636 --> 0:17:49.236 I was like, you know, just for a second, I 0:17:49.276 --> 0:17:51.396 was like, oh can I Can I be loved? Can 0:17:51.436 --> 0:17:56.836 I be in love? And I was convincing myself like no, 0:17:56.996 --> 0:18:02.036 this can never be your life. So I've just told myself, okay, 0:18:02.036 --> 0:18:04.956 I'm never going to get married, work on me, just 0:18:04.956 --> 0:18:07.076 give up on it. So I was like, Okay, I 0:18:07.116 --> 0:18:10.636 can cry quietly and when I'm alone, but outside I'm 0:18:10.636 --> 0:18:15.356 going to stay strong. So in college there was this guy, 0:18:15.476 --> 0:18:21.196 this mysterious guy. He was just really handsome, and I 0:18:21.236 --> 0:18:24.356 saw him sitting on a bench and. 0:18:24.276 --> 0:18:26.396 I was like, oh, you know, what is he doing? 0:18:26.436 --> 0:18:27.196 What is he a doul? 0:18:27.396 --> 0:18:30.156 Shall I go and talk to him? He became like 0:18:30.236 --> 0:18:33.876 my first college crush. He in the end ghosted me. 0:18:34.236 --> 0:18:38.596 He disappeared, But in those moments, even just for like 0:18:38.636 --> 0:18:42.236 a bit, I thought, wow, Like, even if it's one sided, 0:18:42.356 --> 0:18:43.636 this is what love feels like. 0:18:43.876 --> 0:18:46.636 Yeah, while you were in college, you know, you were 0:18:46.636 --> 0:18:50.916 having this very rich, dynamic life socially, but there was 0:18:50.916 --> 0:18:54.516 a secret that you were holding within, which was your 0:18:54.556 --> 0:18:58.876 brain was grappling with this past trauma of yours. Right, 0:18:58.956 --> 0:19:03.996 And it occurs to me that you never had time 0:19:04.516 --> 0:19:07.596 to process what had actually happened to you. I think 0:19:07.636 --> 0:19:10.596 coming from a South Asian background and mental health is 0:19:10.636 --> 0:19:13.356 not really discussed. The idea of therapy is like, what, 0:19:13.476 --> 0:19:16.636 why would you see a therapist tell me about that 0:19:16.756 --> 0:19:20.316 experience in which you had your first panic attack and 0:19:20.356 --> 0:19:22.916 what that was like, and had you maybe thought, oh, 0:19:22.916 --> 0:19:24.796 that's something from my past. I can just sort of 0:19:24.836 --> 0:19:25.396 put it away. 0:19:26.036 --> 0:19:32.076 Yeah, I thought I had fully recovered. I got shot 0:19:32.076 --> 0:19:36.036 at age fifteen. For me, everything was about healing from 0:19:36.116 --> 0:19:41.196 that bullet, and I never thought that seven years later, 0:19:42.156 --> 0:19:46.316 I would be getting flashbacks about the incident. You know, 0:19:46.356 --> 0:19:48.796 I had moved on. I was in college now, and 0:19:49.996 --> 0:19:55.356 I had this experience in college that triggered and like 0:19:55.476 --> 0:19:58.316 I felt like it just like reopened that whole chapter again. 0:20:00.956 --> 0:20:05.636 So I was with some friends and they were trying bong. 0:20:06.356 --> 0:20:08.516 So I was like, okay, Like I've never seen wong, 0:20:09.116 --> 0:20:12.756 what is this? So I took one puff and I 0:20:12.876 --> 0:20:16.236 coughed on the second attempt. When I inhaled it, I 0:20:16.236 --> 0:20:19.836 felt like it just immediately went inside my body, and 0:20:19.876 --> 0:20:21.076 that was the turning point. 0:20:21.676 --> 0:20:25.436 After that, it just froze. 0:20:26.276 --> 0:20:30.396 I thought I could not move anymore, and I started 0:20:30.396 --> 0:20:34.516 getting those flashbacks from the attack where I thought the 0:20:34.516 --> 0:20:38.076 gunmen were still around me, and I thought I was dead, 0:20:38.196 --> 0:20:41.396 or I might have just been killed, or something had happened. 0:20:41.676 --> 0:20:44.116 All of these thoughts were just going. 0:20:43.916 --> 0:20:47.876 On in my mind, and it was truly truly traumatic experience. 0:20:48.516 --> 0:20:52.316 I just could not process time anymore. I could hear 0:20:52.356 --> 0:20:54.996 my heart beat, I was sweating, I was shaking, I 0:20:55.076 --> 0:20:58.556 was shivering. My mind was into the spiral of thoughts 0:20:58.556 --> 0:21:00.596 of like, am I gonna die? 0:21:00.796 --> 0:21:03.636 Am I dead? What happened? Was I alive? 0:21:03.876 --> 0:21:06.356 Where am I these kind of things and it was 0:21:06.996 --> 0:21:09.596 really really scary, to be honest, like scared yester night 0:21:09.636 --> 0:21:12.236 I have ever experienced, and I don't know how I 0:21:12.396 --> 0:21:17.036 made it through it. But the next day, like I realized, 0:21:17.636 --> 0:21:20.276 I'm not the same person anymore. Things have changed now 0:21:21.116 --> 0:21:25.716 and after that I have had many more like panic attacks, flashbacks, 0:21:25.876 --> 0:21:30.956 this trauma, and I felt really frustrated that it just 0:21:31.076 --> 0:21:33.436 opened this whole chapter for me. Like I thought I 0:21:33.476 --> 0:21:36.596 would never need this whole mental health support and who 0:21:36.796 --> 0:21:37.836 want to see a therapist? 0:21:37.916 --> 0:21:40.836 I thought, I'm so strong, I am like so brave 0:21:40.876 --> 0:21:43.156 and courageous. Those things are not for me. 0:21:43.476 --> 0:21:47.076 Yeah, Like I survived an attack, what could break me down? 0:21:47.236 --> 0:21:49.596 A small thing like a bomb experience that could break 0:21:49.596 --> 0:21:54.676 me down. So for weeks then months ahead, I tried 0:21:54.716 --> 0:21:58.276 to cope with it. My friends were everything to me 0:21:58.316 --> 0:22:03.036 in that time. They couldn't help me exactly, but they 0:22:03.116 --> 0:22:06.676 were showing that they were there for me. So one 0:22:06.756 --> 0:22:10.476 time and I just couldn't sleep after that. Then they 0:22:10.476 --> 0:22:12.756 said let's do a sleepover. And that was the first 0:22:12.796 --> 0:22:15.236 time when I was able to sleep because my friends 0:22:15.276 --> 0:22:17.316 just showed up and said, you know what, We're gonna 0:22:17.316 --> 0:22:18.356 be here with you tonight. 0:22:18.516 --> 0:22:19.396 It's very touching. 0:22:20.156 --> 0:22:24.476 And then eventually, like a few months later, I was 0:22:24.516 --> 0:22:27.316 like in my final year off university then, and I 0:22:27.356 --> 0:22:31.356 was like so overwhelmed with everything that was happening, and 0:22:32.476 --> 0:22:36.076 I had like another major panic attack where I just 0:22:36.076 --> 0:22:37.476 could not connect with my body. 0:22:38.516 --> 0:22:39.636 And that's when. 0:22:39.756 --> 0:22:43.516 I remembered my friend had told me about a therapist, 0:22:44.116 --> 0:22:45.956 and she told me that I should see a therapist, 0:22:45.996 --> 0:22:48.796 and she told me that it is actually quite common 0:22:49.236 --> 0:22:51.836 for students here to see therapists. 0:22:52.556 --> 0:22:55.556 I was like, okay, I think now is the time. 0:22:56.076 --> 0:22:59.996 Yeah, so yeah, Like after some point, I was like, okay, 0:23:00.356 --> 0:23:01.796 I think I have to go and see what this 0:23:01.836 --> 0:23:05.196 therapist has got for me. And in our first session, 0:23:05.276 --> 0:23:08.116 I was like, here's everything about me, take it all 0:23:08.156 --> 0:23:10.796 in and give me the meda and fix this problem. 0:23:11.196 --> 0:23:14.516 That's when I realized that therapy is not like that. 0:23:14.796 --> 0:23:15.636 It's a process. 0:23:15.716 --> 0:23:18.956 It takes time, and now it is a part of 0:23:18.996 --> 0:23:24.596