WEBVTT - #69 Tamara 0:00:15.250 --> 0:00:26.529 Pushkin. Jackie? 0:00:26.790 --> 0:00:29.290 How can you respond to my birthday wishes? 0:00:29.890 --> 0:00:35.050 I'm just looking at my text. Okay, that's right. You 0:00:35.070 --> 0:00:36.480 sent me a text on. 0:00:36.519 --> 0:00:38.300 I don't know who doesn't say thank you. I find 0:00:38.320 --> 0:00:38.900 that just weird. 0:00:38.960 --> 0:00:41.100 Or just send like a little heart icon. 0:00:41.440 --> 0:00:42.420 Like who says nothing? 0:00:43.310 --> 0:00:44.370 It's just weird, John. 0:00:44.470 --> 0:00:48.050 Well, I was very busy partying. No, you weren't. No, 0:00:48.060 --> 0:00:49.900 you weren't. What do you mean, no, I wasn't? 0:00:49.920 --> 0:00:51.140 No, I know you weren't. 0:00:51.220 --> 0:00:51.800 How do you know? 0:00:51.819 --> 0:00:52.820 You hate your birthday. 0:00:52.840 --> 0:00:53.960 You hate partying. 0:00:54.340 --> 0:00:54.860 You're depressed. 0:00:55.800 --> 0:00:56.160 That's why. 0:00:56.200 --> 0:00:58.900 Okay, first of all, I was partying. 0:00:59.000 --> 0:00:59.240 Really? 0:00:59.520 --> 0:01:00.020 Yes, I was. 0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:00.400 Yeah. 0:01:00.600 --> 0:01:02.560 Look, just accept I was partying. 0:01:02.580 --> 0:01:02.860 Wow. 0:01:11.810 --> 0:01:17.070 From Pushkin Industries, I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and this is Heavyweight. 0:01:17.810 --> 0:01:34.310 Today's episode, Tamra. Right after the break. Some of the 0:01:34.370 --> 0:01:38.039 names in this story have been swapped out for initials. Also, 0:01:38.060 --> 0:01:42.620 a warning that this episode includes explicit depictions of suicide. 0:01:43.150 --> 0:01:47.270 Take care when listening. Tamara, so are you comfortable there? 0:01:47.530 --> 0:01:49.930 Do you have a glass of drinking water by your side? 0:01:49.950 --> 0:01:53.050 I have like half a bottle of Gatorade, so just 0:01:53.090 --> 0:01:56.210 in case this gets really strenuous, I've got my sports drink. 0:01:56.550 --> 0:01:58.350 What flavor is this Gatorade? 0:01:58.630 --> 0:02:02.530 It's lemon-lime, but it's diluted, and that's in case my 0:02:02.570 --> 0:02:04.650 son tries to drink it, he won't want it. 0:02:05.570 --> 0:02:09.020 Tamara's son is 10 years old. That's the same age 0:02:09.060 --> 0:02:13.180 Tamara was when her family joined an evangelical church. She 0:02:13.240 --> 0:02:15.740 remembers how the whole family all went down to the 0:02:15.799 --> 0:02:19.100 bay to get baptized in the water and accept Jesus 0:02:19.140 --> 0:02:22.139 into their hearts. When it came time for high school, 0:02:22.440 --> 0:02:26.020 Tamara's parents sent her to a Christian boarding school. And 0:02:26.060 --> 0:02:27.720 this is where she met Bea. 0:02:28.340 --> 0:02:32.370 She was just somebody who's kind of like sparkly. I 0:02:32.410 --> 0:02:35.519 kind of felt like she was the anti-me person. Like, 0:02:35.540 --> 0:02:38.020 I just felt kind of nerdy and a little bit 0:02:38.060 --> 0:02:41.630 too shy with people. And so I actually had plans 0:02:41.790 --> 0:02:45.630 to room with somebody else, but I liked Bea so 0:02:45.690 --> 0:02:48.290 much that at the last minute I changed my mind 0:02:48.310 --> 0:02:50.530 so Bea and I could room together junior year. 0:02:50.550 --> 0:02:54.690 I'm from Canada, and I don't—so there's freshman year? 0:02:54.970 --> 0:02:56.889 Freshman, sophomore, junior, senior. 0:02:57.510 --> 0:03:00.170 You stay three years in school, and then you're still 0:03:00.210 --> 0:03:00.709 a junior. 0:03:01.290 --> 0:03:02.960 Yeah, your third year as a junior. 0:03:03.340 --> 0:03:04.560 And then all of a sudden you make the leap 0:03:04.600 --> 0:03:05.080 to senior. 0:03:05.490 --> 0:03:05.730 Yeah. 0:03:07.210 --> 0:03:09.700 I don't get it. Okay, hang on a second. Wouldn't 0:03:09.820 --> 0:03:12.560 it make more sense to go from freshman to junior? 0:03:13.980 --> 0:03:17.820 At any rate, during grade 11, Tamara and Bea progressed 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:21.579 from friends to roommates. This meant spending a lot more 0:03:21.640 --> 0:03:22.280 time together. 0:03:22.780 --> 0:03:25.880 I mean, your roommate's like your person. Bea was like 0:03:26.140 --> 0:03:26.820 my spouse. 0:03:27.520 --> 0:03:29.930 And their dorm room became a social hub for all 0:03:29.970 --> 0:03:30.500 their friends. 0:03:31.090 --> 0:03:33.970 We was probably friends with more of like the cooler, 0:03:34.030 --> 0:03:37.130 popular kids. But I think between the two of us, 0:03:37.170 --> 0:03:40.290 we probably knew everyone in the school. You know, I 0:03:40.330 --> 0:03:42.090 was kind of one of the smart kids. 0:03:42.390 --> 0:03:43.410 You were one of the smart kids? 0:03:44.170 --> 0:03:44.450 Yeah. 0:03:44.810 --> 0:03:46.950 Sorry, I didn't mean to say that incredulously. I was just, 0:03:47.230 --> 0:03:48.270 I was talking over you. 0:03:48.530 --> 0:03:50.030 I know, hard to believe, Jonathan. 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:51.630 No, no, no, it's not hard to believe at all. 0:03:52.520 --> 0:03:55.460 Once Tamara had put aside her smart people books and 0:03:55.480 --> 0:03:58.000 all their friends had left for the night, it was 0:03:58.040 --> 0:04:00.840 just the two of them. That's when Tamara and Bea 0:04:00.880 --> 0:04:04.040 would lounge on their beds, listening to music and talking. 0:04:04.680 --> 0:04:07.450 Those were always the best times of all. It was 0:04:07.490 --> 0:04:11.370 a really fun year. And then came senior year of 0:04:11.390 --> 0:04:11.850 high school. 0:04:12.510 --> 0:04:14.410 You know, it should have been like the highlight of 0:04:15.550 --> 0:04:20.679 our lives. But it was during that fall that she 0:04:20.719 --> 0:04:24.619 started to tell me some stuff about when she was 0:04:24.659 --> 0:04:26.980 a kid. And I don't know if it was stuff 0:04:27.020 --> 0:04:28.539 she had ever thought about before. 0:04:29.630 --> 0:04:33.109 Tamara doesn't want to disclose the details, but broadly, Bea 0:04:33.729 --> 0:04:36.009 began sharing painful, traumatic memories. 0:04:36.669 --> 0:04:40.309 And I was the only one that she was talking 0:04:40.349 --> 0:04:43.710 about it with. You know, I didn't know what to say. 0:04:43.729 --> 0:04:48.210 And I said, I know, which is like the worst 0:04:48.250 --> 0:04:51.190 thing to say because I didn't know. But I kind 0:04:51.229 --> 0:04:55.050 of meant like, I know that this is hard for you. 0:04:56.039 --> 0:04:59.640 Or like, I know this now that you've told me, 0:04:59.700 --> 0:05:00.580 like I'm hearing you. 0:05:01.779 --> 0:05:04.739 Tamara could see that Bea was struggling, but Tamara wasn't 0:05:04.799 --> 0:05:07.809 sure who to turn to for counsel. At one point, 0:05:08.109 --> 0:05:09.669 she tried enlisting a dorm parent. 0:05:10.310 --> 0:05:13.489 I knocked on her door and I said, I'm not 0:05:13.529 --> 0:05:16.849 sure Bea's okay. And she was like, what do you mean? 0:05:16.869 --> 0:05:21.429 And I was like, I'm just, I'm not sure Bea's okay. 0:05:22.630 --> 0:05:25.549 And she was like, okay, thanks. And like, that was it. 0:05:26.710 --> 0:05:30.049 And you know who the counselor was, like the guidance counselor? 0:05:30.570 --> 0:05:34.520 It was this 65-year-old man who had been a missionary 0:05:34.539 --> 0:05:38.159 in like the 60s. And if you went to his office, 0:05:38.380 --> 0:05:40.440 all he would do was talk about like the big 0:05:40.560 --> 0:05:44.539 game he had hunted with the Maasai in Kenya. And 0:05:44.580 --> 0:05:47.650 he would like show you his spears and the heads 0:05:47.729 --> 0:05:52.290 of the antelope. Like he was completely unqualified to deal 0:05:52.310 --> 0:05:54.489 with like anybody's emotional problems. 0:05:59.810 --> 0:06:03.710 Then, one day in November, something happened that ratcheted up 0:06:03.750 --> 0:06:07.950 Tamara's concerns even more. Bea and Tamara were hanging out 0:06:07.989 --> 0:06:10.609 in the dorm with their friend Christy. The three of 0:06:10.669 --> 0:06:12.859 them were flipping through a pile of photographs. 0:06:13.479 --> 0:06:16.760 Bea saw a picture of herself. It was a picture 0:06:16.799 --> 0:06:21.360 of her looking at the camera, smiling. And she screamed and, like, 0:06:21.419 --> 0:06:25.479 dropped the picture. And we were like, oh, my God. Like, 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:30.289 what is it? And she showed us the photo. And 0:06:30.339 --> 0:06:32.339 like above her head in the background, there was like 0:06:32.349 --> 0:06:34.679 a weird little white mark. You know, it could have 0:06:34.700 --> 0:06:37.260 been like a flash from a camera, but she was 0:06:37.299 --> 0:06:47.799 like screaming and pointing at it. And then a couple 0:06:47.820 --> 0:06:51.379 hours later, Bea and I were in our room studying. 0:06:52.260 --> 0:06:55.739 Bea turned around and she looked up at the like 0:06:55.779 --> 0:07:00.540 the ceiling corner and she screamed again. And she said, 0:07:00.659 --> 0:07:04.689 there it is. And she, like, pointed at the cinder 0:07:04.710 --> 0:07:09.330 block wall. And there was nothing there. But she said, 0:07:09.390 --> 0:07:11.770 there it is. And, like, screaming. 0:07:13.310 --> 0:07:16.430 Christy came over from next door to help. But neither 0:07:16.530 --> 0:07:20.329 she nor Tamara could make sense of B's behavior. Tamara 0:07:20.350 --> 0:07:23.559 can't remember exactly how they came to the conclusion they did. 0:07:24.179 --> 0:07:27.380 But somehow, an idea took hold of all three girls. 0:07:28.360 --> 0:07:36.330 B was being followed by a demon. Eventually, Tamara was 0:07:36.429 --> 0:07:39.630 able to find a listening ear, a teacher named Mr. L. 0:07:40.330 --> 0:07:43.210 Not only was Mr. L super friendly, but he was 0:07:43.250 --> 0:07:46.050 someone B knew well and had a good relationship with. 0:07:46.760 --> 0:07:52.980 I felt really relieved that, like, finally an adult was helping. 0:07:53.980 --> 0:07:57.499 But the relief Tamara felt was short-lived. Because when Mr. 0:07:57.739 --> 0:08:01.020 L heard what had happened, he issued an alarming verdict. 0:08:01.660 --> 0:08:06.600 He was like, oh, well, obviously you guys are like 0:08:06.720 --> 0:08:10.350 under attack from Satan. You know, there's things going on 0:08:10.369 --> 0:08:13.870 in the spirit world. And I wasn't, I wasn't like 0:08:13.910 --> 0:08:18.249 a super hardcore Christian, but it like really scared the 0:08:18.290 --> 0:08:20.480 heck out of me. So, like, all of a sudden, 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:20.980 I was. 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:24.140 All of a sudden, you felt more religious. 0:08:24.600 --> 0:08:28.390 Yes, because all of a sudden, I was like, there's proof. Like, 0:08:28.830 --> 0:08:29.710 what are we going to do? 0:08:30.650 --> 0:08:34.050 So one Friday night, Mr. L had Tamara, Christy, and 0:08:34.090 --> 0:08:35.410 Bea over to his house. 0:08:36.170 --> 0:08:41.150 And in his kitchen, he and his wife did this exorcism. 0:08:46.660 --> 0:08:50.000 After serving the girls' dinner, Mr. and Mrs. L knelt 0:08:50.080 --> 0:08:54.440 on the kitchen floor. With the overhead lights glaring, Tamara 0:08:54.480 --> 0:08:56.940 and Christy were told to lay hands on B. 0:08:57.680 --> 0:09:01.780 In the name of Jesus, Satan be gone. And, like, 0:09:01.800 --> 0:09:07.040 she started screaming. Like, kind of writhing around and, like, 0:09:07.220 --> 0:09:12.550 super screaming and, like, making weird voices. You know, it 0:09:12.600 --> 0:09:15.840 didn't seem like her. This person we were next to, 0:09:15.860 --> 0:09:19.079 it didn't seem like her. Yeah. And that's when I 0:09:19.100 --> 0:09:25.340 was like, holy crap. Like, this is for real. This 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:30.070 is like, like I'm next to a demon. Terrified, like 0:09:30.090 --> 0:09:32.070 the most terrified I'd been in my life. 0:09:34.150 --> 0:09:37.210 Tamara says that at a certain point, the yelling and 0:09:37.270 --> 0:09:45.439 shaking reached a crescendo. And then it all just stopped. Afterwards, 0:09:45.700 --> 0:09:48.320 B acted like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. 0:09:48.940 --> 0:09:51.600 It was like she couldn't remember the exorcism at all. 0:09:52.620 --> 0:09:55.640 That night, all three girls slept on the L's fold-out couch, 0:09:56.140 --> 0:09:56.840 B in the middle. 0:09:57.400 --> 0:09:59.960 And I was just like laying there with my eyes 0:10:00.060 --> 0:10:04.430 wide open, like, who is this next to me? I 0:10:04.470 --> 0:10:09.710 couldn't fall asleep. And then in the morning, it was like, okay, 0:10:09.790 --> 0:10:13.530 like they gave us breakfast and like, guys, just, you know, 0:10:13.630 --> 0:10:20.180 like keep praying and stay strong in Christ. And like, 0:10:20.440 --> 0:10:21.460 we went back to our room. 0:10:28.060 --> 0:10:30.840 And then did you try to talk to her or? 0:10:30.960 --> 0:10:34.880 No, because like I didn't know like is this, is 0:10:34.920 --> 0:10:40.360 this her? Like that issue there became like the whole issue. 0:10:42.000 --> 0:10:46.580 In every interaction, Tamara wondered, am I actually talking to Bea? 0:10:47.540 --> 0:10:52.760 Or am I dealing with like this demon? Who is this? 0:10:53.460 --> 0:10:57.710 Who am I talking to right now? And it ruined 0:10:57.910 --> 0:11:06.950 our friendship. Like we spent the rest of the year 0:11:07.010 --> 0:11:10.610 basically trying to avoid each other. But it's like, it's 0:11:10.680 --> 0:11:13.460 hard to avoid each other when you're roommates. Like we 0:11:13.480 --> 0:11:16.220 didn't have these lay around on our beds and just 0:11:16.280 --> 0:11:19.280 like shoot the shit kind of things anymore. It was, 0:11:19.800 --> 0:11:22.700 I don't know if you've ever been like living with a. 0:11:27.220 --> 0:11:27.500 Yeah. 0:11:27.940 --> 0:11:30.280 It's really awkward. You know, just like, hi. 0:11:30.960 --> 0:11:34.160 How are you? How was class? Like, oh, great. 0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:35.880 Uh-huh. 0:11:36.140 --> 0:11:37.620 And that's the way you wrote out the year. 0:11:37.640 --> 0:11:41.460 Yeah, and I just could not wait to graduate. I 0:11:41.480 --> 0:11:42.900 could not wait to go home. 0:11:44.200 --> 0:11:47.340 When she finally did return home, Tamara was greeted by 0:11:47.360 --> 0:11:51.020 yet another crisis, one with eerie echoes of the crisis 0:11:51.170 --> 0:11:55.370 she'd left behind. Over the past couple years, Tamara's father 0:11:55.410 --> 0:11:59.350 had become increasingly devout. even founding his own church and 0:11:59.410 --> 0:12:03.710 hiring his own pastor. And recently, things had taken a 0:12:03.950 --> 0:12:08.870 disturbing turn. Her father had begun having paranoid religious delusions. 0:12:09.550 --> 0:12:13.530 He believed he was being tormented by Satan. Later that summer, 0:12:14.090 --> 0:12:17.490 only weeks after her graduation, he took his own life. 0:12:18.600 --> 0:12:21.540 After my father died, I had to come to this 0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:26.800 reckoning on my own with, like, Christianity and God. Because... 0:12:27.260 --> 0:12:31.400 he'd been a good Christian, but he'd suffered. Like, he 0:12:31.420 --> 0:12:35.160 told my mom that, like, Satan had come and taken 0:12:35.180 --> 0:12:37.160 him to hell and had shown him, like, you've lived 0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:39.220 a terrible life, and this is what's going to happen 0:12:39.240 --> 0:12:42.140 to you after you died. And so, like, when my 0:12:42.210 --> 0:12:44.590 father killed himself, like, he killed himself thinking he was 0:12:44.620 --> 0:12:51.030 going to go to hell. Like, that's so terrible. And 0:12:51.050 --> 0:12:53.310 I was just like, you know what? Like, that instant 0:12:53.370 --> 0:12:56.020 I found out my father died, I was like, I 0:12:56.060 --> 0:13:00.980 do not believe in God. And it was so freeing 0:13:01.660 --> 0:13:03.670 because I was like, and if I don't believe in God, 0:13:03.710 --> 0:13:06.630 then I don't have to believe in demons. And I 0:13:06.770 --> 0:13:09.650 don't believe in Satan. And I don't believe that there's 0:13:09.690 --> 0:13:13.809 this crazy spiritual other world. And then I was kind 0:13:13.850 --> 0:13:15.960 of like, well, what does this mean about everything that 0:13:16.000 --> 0:13:19.020 happened with Bea? And I was like, you know what? 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:22.540 I think Bea, I think it was like psychological. I 0:13:22.580 --> 0:13:27.730 think she was really vulnerable. And struggling with a lot 0:13:27.750 --> 0:13:32.570 of things. And I don't think she was possessed. And 0:13:32.630 --> 0:13:37.030 I don't think Satan was attacking us. And Bea suffered. 0:13:38.790 --> 0:13:42.190 Now, when Tamara thinks back on Bea's suffering, she no 0:13:42.230 --> 0:13:46.170 longer blames Satan. Instead, she blames herself. 0:13:47.290 --> 0:13:51.730 Like it was such a betrayal from me to be 0:13:51.770 --> 0:13:55.730 the one who knew all this about her. and then 0:13:55.790 --> 0:14:00.150 turned around and said, like, you're so damaged that, like, 0:14:00.270 --> 0:14:06.520 Satan is after you. Like, someone told her she was possessed. Like, 0:14:06.540 --> 0:14:10.679 that's so mean. And, like, how terrible for the way 0:14:10.760 --> 0:14:13.199 I treated her for the rest of that year. Like, 0:14:14.160 --> 0:14:16.320 how terrible for her to have to live with somebody 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:19.280 who's kind of always looking at her askance. 0:14:22.340 --> 0:14:25.010 I can't help feeling like Tamara is being hard on herself. 0:14:25.750 --> 0:14:27.960 I don't doubt that her guilt is real, but I 0:14:28.000 --> 0:14:31.080 just don't think the self-blame is warranted. Can I just 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:36.040 say here, like, A, you were a kid, and B, 0:14:36.280 --> 0:14:39.860 you actually did, like, which is kind of remarkable, you 0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:41.140 actually did seek help. 0:14:43.290 --> 0:14:48.390 Yeah, I guess. I mean, I should have been the 0:14:48.530 --> 0:14:55.750 one to be like, let's not do this. And like, 0:14:55.810 --> 0:14:59.440 I want her to forgive me. I want her to 0:14:59.460 --> 0:15:07.610 know I'm sorry. You know, the other night I got 0:15:07.670 --> 0:15:10.810 out my yearbooks and actually have them here with me. 0:15:11.860 --> 0:15:14.780 Tamara flips open the book from junior year, the year 0:15:14.820 --> 0:15:16.600 she and Bea first became roommates. 0:15:17.100 --> 0:15:19.340 When you open the front cover of the yearbook, like 0:15:19.440 --> 0:15:22.570 the best real estate section in the yearbook is that 0:15:22.600 --> 0:15:25.410 page across from the front cover where you're leaning on 0:15:25.810 --> 0:15:27.530 all the pages of the rest of the yearbook. So 0:15:27.570 --> 0:15:28.530 it's like kind of soft. 0:15:29.230 --> 0:15:34.570 There, scrawled in Tamara's teenage handwriting, it reads, reserved for Bea. 0:15:35.370 --> 0:15:36.510 The words are underlined. 0:15:36.930 --> 0:15:39.470 Like there's no other spots in the yearbook reserved for anybody. 0:15:39.490 --> 0:15:43.100 So it says, dearest Tee. I can't explain how much 0:15:43.140 --> 0:15:45.060 you mean to me in words, so just add up 0:15:45.160 --> 0:15:47.790 all the stars in the sky and all the colors 0:15:47.830 --> 0:15:49.650 in the sunset, and that's how much I love you. 0:15:50.210 --> 0:15:54.050 You're not the introverted geek I was anticipating. We had 0:15:54.090 --> 0:15:57.210 our memories in our little room. Those were fun. Thanks 0:15:57.230 --> 0:16:00.440 for believing in me when I didn't. Thanks for snuggling 0:16:00.470 --> 0:16:03.760 with me in snuffs, which was her little stuffed animal, 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:07.180 especially during thunderstorms. I'm not going to write down all 0:16:07.200 --> 0:16:11.180 our memories because you remember everything. I love you and 0:16:11.200 --> 0:16:15.810 see you this summer. Work on those leg muscles. And 0:16:15.870 --> 0:16:20.710 then in our senior yearbook, it's the same thing. You 0:16:20.770 --> 0:16:24.370 open the front cover and that prime real estate spot. 0:16:25.370 --> 0:16:29.010 Once again, underlined at the top of the page, reserved 0:16:29.110 --> 0:16:29.510 for B. 0:16:30.190 --> 0:16:31.960 And then there's just a blank page underneath it. 0:16:39.560 --> 0:16:42.840 Tamara's now in her mid-40s. She hasn't seen bees since 0:16:42.880 --> 0:16:46.460 she was 18. After so much time, the task of 0:16:46.500 --> 0:16:50.310 reconnecting feels insurmountable, and so she's hoping I might help. 0:16:51.110 --> 0:16:57.250 This has seemed just impossible for me to do. 0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:01.220 We'll check in and we'll figure out some kind of strategy. 0:17:01.340 --> 0:17:01.720 Sounds good. 0:17:02.070 --> 0:17:03.890 Yeah, but I hope you feel okay. I hope you can, like, 0:17:03.950 --> 0:17:05.750 take a breather and take a walk or something. 0:17:05.830 --> 0:17:08.129 Yeah, I'm going to, like, maybe go buy, like, a 0:17:08.230 --> 0:17:10.690 pure Gatorade and just drink the whole thing. 0:17:10.930 --> 0:17:21.179 There you go. I don't think Gatorade is sponsoring this episode. 0:17:21.840 --> 0:17:26.780 But if they are, you'll hear all about it. Or 0:17:26.840 --> 0:17:31.300 some equally awesome beverage, phone plan, or men's grooming product. 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:41.600 during these heartfelt words from our sponsors. The logical place 0:17:41.659 --> 0:17:45.010 to start the search for any long-lost classmate is Facebook. 0:17:45.730 --> 0:17:48.269 But until now, Tamara's never been able to bring herself 0:17:48.330 --> 0:17:51.729 to type in Bea's name. When she does, though, she 0:17:51.770 --> 0:17:54.750 finds Bea easily. And as best as she can tell, 0:17:55.369 --> 0:17:56.139 Bea seems happy. 0:17:56.919 --> 0:18:00.300 She's been married to the same guy. She's too beautiful. 0:18:00.320 --> 0:18:01.320 Blonde. 0:18:01.709 --> 0:18:07.530 Daughters who looked just like her. And I was like, wow, like, 0:18:08.669 --> 0:18:09.310 that's amazing. 0:18:09.330 --> 0:18:11.159 Did it relieve you? 0:18:11.810 --> 0:18:12.090 Yeah. 0:18:13.350 --> 0:18:17.030 Because I'd always worried, like, is she okay? Like, did 0:18:17.070 --> 0:18:20.750 we damage her? And the funny thing is, like, my 0:18:20.790 --> 0:18:23.389 life didn't even turn out that great. And I was, like, 0:18:23.550 --> 0:18:26.869 so superior at the time. Like, I'm not the one 0:18:26.889 --> 0:18:31.729 who was attacked by Satan. And now, like, I'm the 0:18:31.810 --> 0:18:35.129 one with, like, kind of the crappy life. You know, 0:18:35.149 --> 0:18:39.010 I'm divorced. Like, I'm a single mom. I don't have, like, 0:18:39.030 --> 0:18:43.949 an awesome career. My kid is a huge pain in 0:18:43.970 --> 0:18:44.310 the neck. 0:18:44.570 --> 0:18:44.969 I love him. 0:18:46.429 --> 0:18:46.749 Yeah. 0:18:48.129 --> 0:18:51.030 Now that Tamara's found Bea, she sends her a message. 0:18:51.820 --> 0:18:54.559 In it, she explains how she's been regretting their senior 0:18:54.580 --> 0:18:59.320 year for almost 30 years. After a week without a response, 0:18:59.459 --> 0:19:03.320 Tamara follows up. And this time, Bea answers, saying it's 0:19:03.359 --> 0:19:05.280 nice to hear from her and that they should get 0:19:05.340 --> 0:19:09.159 coffee sometime. Tamara explains that she lives out of state, 0:19:09.340 --> 0:19:12.279 but maybe they can talk on the phone about senior year. 0:19:13.080 --> 0:19:16.300 But at the mention of senior year, Bea stops responding. 0:19:17.869 --> 0:19:21.230 Over the coming months, their exchanges follow this same pattern. 0:19:21.850 --> 0:19:25.489 Tamara asks to talk, and Bea is willing, until Tamara 0:19:25.530 --> 0:19:29.600 makes mention of senior year. That's when Bea goes quiet. 0:19:33.980 --> 0:19:37.299 In the ensuing silence, Tamara finds herself thinking about the 0:19:37.419 --> 0:19:40.619 other girl who witnessed the exorcism with her, the third 0:19:40.679 --> 0:19:43.540 girl on the fold-out bed that night, Christy. 0:19:44.179 --> 0:19:46.100 Because I was like, you know, the only other person 0:19:46.159 --> 0:19:48.139 who went through this is Christy. 0:19:49.080 --> 0:19:52.489 In her senior yearbook, Tamara found a message from Christy, too. 0:19:53.230 --> 0:19:56.170 In it, Christy makes oblique reference to all that she 0:19:56.209 --> 0:19:57.770 and Tamara had gone through. 0:19:59.510 --> 0:20:02.009 She wrote, This is kind of difficult for me to 0:20:02.090 --> 0:20:05.670 sign because of obvious reasons. I cannot say to you 0:20:05.709 --> 0:20:08.119 the usual, I've had a lot of fun being your friend. 0:20:08.139 --> 0:20:11.359 I think I feel like I've disappointed you in some way. 0:20:11.500 --> 0:20:14.440 If I have, I'm sorry. I'm human, and I've made 0:20:14.500 --> 0:20:18.800 many mistakes. We were allowed to witness a world which 0:20:18.859 --> 0:20:21.139 was not of our own, but it made our world 0:20:21.199 --> 0:20:24.319 somehow more real. I think you understand all that I'm 0:20:24.359 --> 0:20:26.269 trying to say without even me having to say it. 0:20:26.919 --> 0:20:29.570 You've helped me bring about the single most important year 0:20:29.850 --> 0:20:32.830 of my life. And if I never forget anyone, it 0:20:32.869 --> 0:20:35.810 will be you that I do not forget. Remember that 0:20:35.869 --> 0:20:38.650 to whom much is given, much is expected. Love, Christy. 0:20:41.159 --> 0:20:45.200 Wow. What do you think she was referring to when 0:20:45.260 --> 0:20:47.739 she says that she hopes that she didn't disappoint you? 0:20:50.250 --> 0:20:53.549 I think she meant that, like, I think she just 0:20:53.590 --> 0:20:55.929 wanted to be like a regular teenager again. 0:20:57.169 --> 0:21:00.869 Christy's presence in Tamara's life dwindled, and when high school ended, 0:21:01.290 --> 0:21:05.929 they completely lost touch. Now, though, rereading the inscription as 0:21:05.949 --> 0:21:10.629 an adult, Tamara wonders, does Christy still carry Gil the 0:21:10.669 --> 0:21:13.330 way she does? So Tamara looks her up. 0:21:14.189 --> 0:21:21.040 And I found an obituary. She's dead. She died last year. 0:21:28.330 --> 0:21:31.249 Hoping to find out what had happened, Temmer reached out 0:21:31.290 --> 0:21:34.850 to a well-connected old classmate. But the classmate wasn't even 0:21:34.889 --> 0:21:38.480 aware that Christy had died. She promised to ask around, though, 0:21:38.800 --> 0:21:40.479 and try to find out more information. 0:21:41.080 --> 0:21:44.379 She, like, asked everybody on her Facebook group, including people 0:21:44.399 --> 0:21:48.229 who were really close friends with Christy. And nobody knew. Like, 0:21:48.250 --> 0:21:50.189 Christy's been dead for a year, and the first person 0:21:50.209 --> 0:21:50.970 who knew was me. 0:21:52.350 --> 0:21:55.050 Tamara saw that a neighbor of Christy's left a comment 0:21:55.129 --> 0:21:59.109 on the online obituary, so she messaged him. The neighbor 0:21:59.149 --> 0:22:02.840 told her that Christy had overdosed, that for years she 0:22:02.879 --> 0:22:06.960 struggled with alcohol and prescription drugs. He said that Christy 0:22:07.060 --> 0:22:08.240 was battling demons. 0:22:17.000 --> 0:22:17.350 Hello? Hello? 0:22:17.709 --> 0:22:18.109 Tamara? 0:22:18.129 --> 0:22:19.350 Hi, happy new year. 0:22:19.389 --> 0:22:19.830 How are you? 0:22:19.869 --> 0:22:22.010 Yeah, happy new year to you. I'm good. The new 0:22:22.070 --> 0:22:26.049 year is 2020, two years since Tamara and I first spoke. 0:22:26.899 --> 0:22:29.709 In the interim, there have been periodic messages to Bea 0:22:30.179 --> 0:22:33.700 and even an old-fashioned letter explaining how much Tamara wants 0:22:33.740 --> 0:22:38.359 to talk about senior year. But Bea never responded. In 0:22:38.399 --> 0:22:41.920 spite of that, Bea did friend Tamara on Facebook, where 0:22:41.939 --> 0:22:42.899 they keep things light. 0:22:43.619 --> 0:22:46.990 You know, we've had little Facebook comments like, Looks like 0:22:47.050 --> 0:22:47.830 a fun trip. 0:22:48.169 --> 0:22:48.429 Right. 0:22:48.810 --> 0:22:52.350 If I, like, post pictures of, like, my broken Christmas 0:22:52.470 --> 0:22:55.700 tree or, you know, like, nothing great, she'll be. 0:22:55.659 --> 0:22:57.460 Like, that's great. 0:22:58.159 --> 0:23:01.100 Or smiley face or thumbs up. 0:23:02.300 --> 0:23:06.060 Emojis aren't the deepest of languages. But from my perspective, 0:23:06.399 --> 0:23:09.139 Bea seems fine with Tamara. Even though she might not 0:23:09.199 --> 0:23:11.929 want to rehash the past, she doesn't seem to harbor 0:23:11.990 --> 0:23:15.389 any ill will. Tamara, though, doesn't see it that way. 0:23:16.030 --> 0:23:19.369 And she still feels bad. So bad that she's come 0:23:19.409 --> 0:23:22.520 to a decision to stop trying to reach B. 0:23:23.260 --> 0:23:26.859 Who am I to, like, revisit this miserable time in 0:23:26.879 --> 0:23:31.439 your life so that I can feel less bad? Maybe 0:23:31.480 --> 0:23:32.729 I should feel guilty about it. 0:23:32.760 --> 0:23:35.560 Like, maybe we should feel guilty about bad. 0:23:35.459 --> 0:23:36.240 Things we do. 0:23:37.449 --> 0:23:40.410 As always, I tell Tamara she's being hard on herself. 0:23:41.030 --> 0:23:44.509 And Tamara says, yes, she knows, but without seeming to 0:23:44.530 --> 0:23:44.959 believe it. 0:23:52.659 --> 0:23:55.020 You know, when you want to rewind your life to, like, 0:23:55.119 --> 0:23:57.560 the spot where you would start doing better. 0:23:58.699 --> 0:24:01.520 Like, that's the point. Like, senior year. 0:24:02.080 --> 0:24:04.779 Like, I want to rewind it to that point and 0:24:04.800 --> 0:24:07.369 be like, can I restart right here? 0:24:09.449 --> 0:24:10.969 Like, I just really veered. 0:24:10.750 --> 0:24:13.869 Off the path. I feel like that was one of 0:24:13.949 --> 0:24:16.710