Speaker 1: I don't think I can handle any more kids. Finally,
Speaker 1: something we can agree on, dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine
Speaker 1: and we're the ellis Is. You may know us from
Speaker 1: posting funny videos with our voice and reading each other
Speaker 1: publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you
Speaker 1: need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing
Speaker 1: to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast
Speaker 1: to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,
Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the
Speaker 1: lens of a millennium married couple. Dead As is the
Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say
Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We're about to take philow
Speaker 1: Talk to a whole new level. Dead Ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: This story takes me back to last week when the
Speaker 1: theme was in the hospital. All right. I remember in
Speaker 1: one day, I had to wake up in the morning,
Speaker 1: take Cairo and Cas to school, come back, go to
Speaker 1: the hospital, check on you, make sure that Dakota had
Speaker 1: the things he needs. Drive back, make sure that Jackson
Speaker 1: got prepared for basketball practice. Drive back to pass you
Speaker 1: some stuff that you needed from home. I think I'll
Speaker 1: take you some food. Drive back home to actually take
Speaker 1: Jackson to basketball practice. When I came back, Cairo said
Speaker 1: to me, Daddy, do you have time to work out
Speaker 1: with me too? Went downstairs to work out with Cairo.
Speaker 1: I'm down there, Cas goes, hey, Dad, I think I
Speaker 1: want to work out too. So now I'm trying to
Speaker 1: balance the two of them working. Get a text message,
Speaker 1: hey babe, when you come back tonight, make sure you
Speaker 1: bring X y Z. By the time I got back
Speaker 1: to you that night, I realized I do shit for myself,
Speaker 1: and I realized the coda. Only seven days old, I
Speaker 1: had ran back and forth so many times from the
Speaker 1: hospital for stuff that the kids needed, and I realized
Speaker 1: that I have a whole another child that's gonna need
Speaker 1: my attention. And in that moment, I realized, like yo,
Speaker 1: for the next eighteen years, for the next eighteen years,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have between four children and a wife y
Speaker 1: all the weeker to the of the road. Still like
Speaker 1: kids go, It's it's very natural actually belong to them.
Speaker 1: That's funny because when I think about your story time,
Speaker 1: of course, it was in a high pressure situation when
Speaker 1: we have the whole hospital stint and whatnot. However, if
Speaker 1: you were to remove that hospital stint, it would still
Speaker 1: be replaced with all the things on a random Tuesday
Speaker 1: that we have going on. Right, not to mention, we
Speaker 1: were just talking about the fact that we have four
Speaker 1: boys who will be involved in four different activities, sports
Speaker 1: or whatever. What is that going to look like when
Speaker 1: they all have to be at practice at whatever time
Speaker 1: in different locations, or they have games or events at
Speaker 1: different times of different locations. It's literally going to be
Speaker 1: like a whole like spread situation where you're gonna have
Speaker 1: to go there, You're gonna have to go there, We're
Speaker 1: gonna have to bribe a family member to go to
Speaker 1: an event. Like. There's gonna be so many things happening
Speaker 1: that I just honestly feel like for is it for
Speaker 1: as the CAP. I don't foresee myself being able to
Speaker 1: be the quality I don't see. I don't five c
Speaker 1: or sixty, I don't I don't foresee myself being the
Speaker 1: quality parent that I aim to be if we were
Speaker 1: to have any more children, Like, I just feel like,
Speaker 1: whatever souls, these beautiful souls that were supposed to be
Speaker 1: here with us, this is who the Lord has blessed
Speaker 1: us with. These are the children who have chosen us.
Speaker 1: I cannot dilute or water down who I want to
Speaker 1: be as a mother. That was always a fair of
Speaker 1: mine that I would not be able to be a
Speaker 1: quality parent if I had too many children. Now that's debatable.
Speaker 1: How many are too many. It depends on the person's circumstances,
Speaker 1: the couple circumstances. It depends on what you desire to
Speaker 1: be as a parent. But I always knew that the
Speaker 1: person that I wanted to be as a mother to
Speaker 1: each child, and to be able to give each child
Speaker 1: the time that they deserve and each child the attention
Speaker 1: that they deserved, that I just can't go. So I
Speaker 1: got a question. I'm going to ask the question when
Speaker 1: we come back from break, because we gotta take a break,
Speaker 1: pay some bills. But I have a question once we
Speaker 1: go through the you know, the whole show. There's a
Speaker 1: question that they always ask women. I'm gonna ask you
Speaker 1: at the very end of the show. I think it
Speaker 1: is okay, all right, take a break, gonna take a break,
Speaker 1: but response you okay, alright, So we're bad guys. Moving
Speaker 1: into the topic of the show. We have to recognize
Speaker 1: that it is a new year. This is the season
Speaker 1: six finale, but it's not the end. It's the beginning.
Speaker 1: It's like it's the beginning of the year, but in
Speaker 1: preparation for the beginning of the year, I'm in preparation
Speaker 1: for the beginning of the next eighteen years of my life.
Speaker 1: For the next of my life, I'm going to be
Speaker 1: taking care of a little person. It's the starting over
Speaker 1: for me. Like I was coming out of that. We
Speaker 1: were out of diapers, we were out of baby bags.
Speaker 1: Like I went to pack Dacota's bag recently and I
Speaker 1: was just like, wait a second, I'm here again with stuff.
Speaker 1: They're just always stuff to be trucking around. Um. And
Speaker 1: it's not a complaint. It's just the realization that here
Speaker 1: we are again, you know. UM. But we're loving it.
Speaker 1: He's great, the boys are great. It's just really trying
Speaker 1: to um answer the question, which of course everyone always asks.
Speaker 1: You have two kids, when's the third, you have three,
Speaker 1: when's the fourth, you have fourth, when's the fifth? You
Speaker 1: have all boys? When's the girl? Like? Um, the questions
Speaker 1: never seemed to end. But I think it's easy to answer.
Speaker 1: They were asking me when you were pregnant if we
Speaker 1: were gonna go right back for five because we had
Speaker 1: announced that we were having another boy, and now I
Speaker 1: was gonna say this question. I want to ask you, now,
Speaker 1: do you feel in your spirit that you're done? So
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be fair. I'm gonna be honest, very honest,
Speaker 1: probably the most honest that I've ever been, based on
Speaker 1: the pregnancies that I've had, right, I would say, for
Speaker 1: the most part, textbook. For the most part, I enjoyed
Speaker 1: pregnancies and all that, particularly even Dakota Um, which we
Speaker 1: spoke about in previous episodes. Because of the environment we
Speaker 1: were in, the space that we've been in, I would
Speaker 1: have another child, or would have had another child. I
Speaker 1: would have I would h I would have been open
Speaker 1: to maybe one more, right, But the thing that has
Speaker 1: changed that for me drastically was my episode that drove
Speaker 1: me to the hospital with the postpartum preclamua. And I
Speaker 1: say that because if I were to get pardon again,
Speaker 1: there's probably a greater chance that I would have full
Speaker 1: blown preclampsa in a pregnancy. But that answered the question.
Speaker 1: So you don't feel like you're done having kids? You
Speaker 1: just feel like you're done having pregnant, being pregnancy, being pregnant. Oh,
Speaker 1: I see what you mean. Yeah, No, it's probably both
Speaker 1: because then I also said you said I probably would
Speaker 1: have had a fifth. But then also I think about
Speaker 1: what would be required, what would be required to then
Speaker 1: raise a fifth or entertain a fifth, or to have
Speaker 1: to divide time between five children. You know. The question
Speaker 1: was did you feel like you were done? And based
Speaker 1: on your answer, sounds like you don't feel like you're done.
Speaker 1: You feel like, SO feel I've done being pregnant, right,
Speaker 1: So I would you have another child? How I feel
Speaker 1: about surregacy either for myself personally, so probably not. So
Speaker 1: I guess that the answer is no, I would not
Speaker 1: have any more children. I am done carrying children. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm done. I think you're I'm done. I think I
Speaker 1: can say I'm done. Yeah. I guess I had to
Speaker 1: decipher how to answer the question only because there's a
Speaker 1: difference between being pregnant again and then wanting another child.
Speaker 1: I think I'm done having I'm done. I'm gonna say
Speaker 1: I think I'm done having children. I'm done being pregnant
Speaker 1: because I feel like four is my cap Four is
Speaker 1: where I don't foresee myself being able to pour anything
Speaker 1: more into any other children. I don't think it will
Speaker 1: be fear to the children we already have, plus another child,
Speaker 1: meaning a fifth child, to be able to give them
Speaker 1: the quality mother that I aim to be. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense? It makes sense, does make sense. But I
Speaker 1: do feel like part of that comes from us just
Speaker 1: having a baby, and you're pouring all of this energy
Speaker 1: into da coda and being exhausted, so you kind of
Speaker 1: feel like, you know what I'm saying right now, But
Speaker 1: I do think that could change if a year from
Speaker 1: now we're in a routine Cairo and Kats are taking
Speaker 1: care of and everything is fine. I feel like you
Speaker 1: may say, Babe, no, I don't know. Maybe if I
Speaker 1: was younger, Maybe if I, like we were both younger,
Speaker 1: so we had like another child between Jackson and Cairo,
Speaker 1: then maybe you know what I mean. Because I'm also
Speaker 1: no spring chicken, it may be clear to me that
Speaker 1: I am over thirty five, and you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And it's like carrying a fourth baby would be a
Speaker 1: lot now to just on my body and my uterus,
Speaker 1: and it would just be a lot, if it would
Speaker 1: just be I'm not advocating for surregacy for you. But
Speaker 1: I'm saying a question was did you feel like in
Speaker 1: your spirit you were done? And some people say that,
Speaker 1: And the reason why I asked that is because you
Speaker 1: don't feel complete till you've either reached that number of
Speaker 1: reach what you see, you know what I'm saying. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So it's like, which I kind of sturd passed my
Speaker 1: number because my number of my mind was three, So
Speaker 1: having four, I'm like, okay, like this is max, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. But I think the question is
Speaker 1: too full, which when you asked it that way, it
Speaker 1: makes are you done with pregnancies? I would say, yes,
Speaker 1: I'm done with pregnancies. And I think part of it
Speaker 1: became kind of almost forced on me too, because I
Speaker 1: feel like it was confirmation, like the Good Lord was saying, girl,
Speaker 1: this is it for you because I'm gonna throat this
Speaker 1: little preclaims the situation there for you. Um, just to
Speaker 1: let you know that potentially in the future, if you
Speaker 1: do this again, you might have more complications. Like that's
Speaker 1: just what I That's like a message that I feel
Speaker 1: like I got. Well, have you ever heard of the
Speaker 1: law of least resistance? Remind me what that is, and
Speaker 1: it's the law that you don't go against the universe
Speaker 1: or things that have happened, and you let you let
Speaker 1: what happens in your life happen as if the ecosystem
Speaker 1: of life happens. For example, if you look at nature,
Speaker 1: nature flows, the circle of life flows, and it doesn't
Speaker 1: get interrupted by things. It just happens. Right, So if
Speaker 1: you're aligned, your line eat gazelles, gazells eat the grass.
Speaker 1: What I'm saying, the lines die, they turned into the grass.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like there's a circle of life just
Speaker 1: like's on the line king. So the law of least
Speaker 1: resistance say, when living your life as a human, you
Speaker 1: don't try to create your own path against the universe.
Speaker 1: So for example, when you just said, my body is
Speaker 1: telling me I'm done having pregnancies, so that means I'm
Speaker 1: done having children. But we know with modern science, you
Speaker 1: could have or we could do something else and still
Speaker 1: try to have another child and use science to fight
Speaker 1: against pre clamps. Here if that's a possibility, or do
Speaker 1: you say, you know what my body let me know,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, And I know a lot
Speaker 1: of times men or humans want to use their will
Speaker 1: to create the life that they say they want, because
Speaker 1: that's what makes us different from animals. But also I've
Speaker 1: learned over time that if you go with the flow
Speaker 1: of the universe, which is typically the same thing as
Speaker 1: saying if you go with God, your life will be
Speaker 1: a lot easier. So your messages God is telling you, yes,
Speaker 1: I feel like God is telling me that I'm done
Speaker 1: like this is it's because it was a thing that
Speaker 1: I was on my mind, like, Okay, at what point
Speaker 1: are you done? You always hear women say I know
Speaker 1: that I'm done because I just know that I'm done.
Speaker 1: And sometimes it's after one, sometimes it's after two. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it's an experience, it's their labor is to delivery, it's
Speaker 1: something that made them like a hard no on more.
Speaker 1: And for me, I kind of feel like I just
Speaker 1: look at my children every day and I just love
Speaker 1: each and every one of them so much that part
Speaker 1: of me feels crazy to feel like someday I would
Speaker 1: I'd have ten children if I could have tenial you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, just because I love who my
Speaker 1: children are. Um, but it's realistic, I think for me, No,
Speaker 1: it's not realistic for me. And if there was this
Speaker 1: on the fence feeling that I've had, I would think
Speaker 1: that that particular situation just let me know that, k
Speaker 1: you're done with pregnancies and children because I feel like
Speaker 1: my body had been able and has been able to,
Speaker 1: you know, easily for the most part, carry for beautiful
Speaker 1: children and and birth them. Um. So this just might
Speaker 1: be the end for me based off of that experience.
Speaker 1: And this is this wasn't even on topic. This is
Speaker 1: an impromptu conversation that I'm having with my wife right now.
Speaker 1: Do you feel like you would have been done in
Speaker 1: your spirit? How we had a girl? And do you
Speaker 1: feel like you're missing anything because we don't have a daughter? Um? No,
Speaker 1: Because remember after Kaz, we'd had the conversation about potentially
Speaker 1: having another child, and I was kind of content with three.
Speaker 1: I was, I was more than content. Actually, I was like,
Speaker 1: I was happy with my three boys, and I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: I'm one of three. Year one of three. It felt
Speaker 1: very natural, and then we got into this routine with
Speaker 1: our three boys. There was Jackson, Cairo Katz. I've never
Speaker 1: felt a deficit not having a daughter. I don't know why. Um,
Speaker 1: would it have been nice? Yeah, it had been cute
Speaker 1: to dress up with a little girl. Yeah, um, But
Speaker 1: I feel like at the same time, God gave me
Speaker 1: exactly what he knew I could handle. He knew what
Speaker 1: I was equipped for, he knew what we were equipped
Speaker 1: for as parents. I look at you and the stellar,
Speaker 1: amazing man that you are today, and I look at
Speaker 1: how you raise our boys and how involved you are
Speaker 1: on a daily basis. And no knock on myself, but
Speaker 1: I almost feel like he did that on purpose because
Speaker 1: you're such a stellar man that we need more other
Speaker 1: men if you're not a beast of a woman. But
Speaker 1: at the same time mother a daughter to see how
Speaker 1: of course not yeah, I wouldn't know how a parent
Speaker 1: a daughter. But it's just like, man, like, the world
Speaker 1: is in need of some amazing man. And not to
Speaker 1: say that amazing men don't need amazing mothers, because because
Speaker 1: they do, they do. But I don't feel like you're
Speaker 1: giving yourself enough credit. I really don't. I feel like
Speaker 1: you're you're using me as an example because we get
Speaker 1: to see it. But I feel like if people got
Speaker 1: a chance to see you be a mom to a daughter,
Speaker 1: they would say the same thing. I mean, you're you're
Speaker 1: an amazing mom to our sons. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: and you're an amazing woman, So I think that the
Speaker 1: example you said as a woman would also be the
Speaker 1: same example our daughter would see. Right For that, I guess, yeah,
Speaker 1: maybe it's one of those things that I don't know
Speaker 1: what it feels like, so I don't necessarily feel the
Speaker 1: deficit um. And I guess that probably is also my
Speaker 1: way of justifying it, saying like, well, you're a great man,
Speaker 1: and we got men that were raising so you know,
Speaker 1: here we are. Um. But to answer your question, I
Speaker 1: don't feel deficit, and that maybe because I don't have
Speaker 1: that UM. If we had a girl this time around,
Speaker 1: and we had the three boys and a girl, I
Speaker 1: don't think my level of done this would have been
Speaker 1: more or less per se, because they probably would have
Speaker 1: been the question of like, oh, well, she would she
Speaker 1: would would be nice if she had a sister, you know,
Speaker 1: where everybody would have a brother and a sister. If
Speaker 1: I had two girls and three boys, you know, so
Speaker 1: there's always going to be that lingering question, well how
Speaker 1: about you though? How about you though? Because you know
Speaker 1: that that has always been the thing Devout has always
Speaker 1: been talking about this girl that he wants to have
Speaker 1: in the relationship you would want to have with a daughter.
Speaker 1: So how do you feel now that we have four boys?
Speaker 1: And where does that deficit life for you? Still? We'll
Speaker 1: have a declaration, and I don't think it's going to
Speaker 1: be the declaration that people are expecting from me. I
Speaker 1: thought finally having a daughter would be where I'm like,
Speaker 1: I feel complete. I literally felt that right. But we
Speaker 1: had Dakota, and I feel like this is where I'm
Speaker 1: supposed to be. Like a nickname has been created for me,
Speaker 1: the Kingmaker. I feel complete and whole with that name.
Speaker 1: I look at Dakota and there's no level of disappointment
Speaker 1: like when I even the idea of another boy and
Speaker 1: walking down the street with my wife and all four
Speaker 1: corners covered by my son's. To me is like, it
Speaker 1: seems like this is not a knock on having a daughter.
Speaker 1: But I thought that that was going to be a
Speaker 1: missing void until I had four boys. And now I'm like,
Speaker 1: this is the dopest thing that could have ever happened
Speaker 1: to me, And I don't feel like I'm missing anything
Speaker 1: at all. And the thing is even that is as
Speaker 1: aint men to me because I was like I thought
Speaker 1: I was gonna want to have another child. But I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm not content, I feel complete. I feel I feel
Speaker 1: like I seriously feel like, what would it have been
Speaker 1: like to have a daughter. I don't know if I
Speaker 1: would even be able to know how to help raise
Speaker 1: a girl, like the same doubts you have. I maybe
Speaker 1: God gave me exactly what I was supposed to have.
Speaker 1: And I'm excited about the next eighteen years. Like, and
Speaker 1: I know people are gonna be probably gonna be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I thought I really wanted a daughter. I thought that
Speaker 1: I wanted a daughter. I thought that having a daughter
Speaker 1: was going to be the thing that wanted me to
Speaker 1: end having kids. But no, yeah, like I'm Jackson, Cairo Cas, Dakota,
Speaker 1: Like these are my my guys, Like these are like,
Speaker 1: I don't I don't even like even thinking about it
Speaker 1: is just making me smile. Have four sons, for I
Speaker 1: have four sons. I have four perfectly healthy, beautiful sons
Speaker 1: that I could groom and give the world to and
Speaker 1: watch them just take the world by storm. And I'm
Speaker 1: just excited about it. And I'm excited that you came
Speaker 1: out on the other end of those four pregnancies. Super healthy,
Speaker 1: So I don't. I don't have No, there's nothing in
Speaker 1: me right now to be like kan. And that's why
Speaker 1: I was asking you because I wanted to see how
Speaker 1: you feel about it, because I'm good, right, No, I
Speaker 1: definitely I'm great. Definitely feel like I'm good. I guess
Speaker 1: when when you just think about it as a woman
Speaker 1: like pregnancies versus children, because like you said, there are
Speaker 1: with modern science, ways to potentially have more children if
Speaker 1: we really wanted to. Um, But I think on both realms,
Speaker 1: I know I definitely don't want to be pregnant again.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be pregnting again. And I feel
Speaker 1: like there's there's a cat for me on the number
Speaker 1: of children that I want to be able to raise
Speaker 1: because I want to be able to of equality experience
Speaker 1: to all of my children. So safe to say, y'all
Speaker 1: that we are done and we're looking forward to the
Speaker 1: next eighteen years and beyond um looking forward to then
Speaker 1: beyond those years, you know what I mean? With us
Speaker 1: gonna look like for us when we're empty nesters. That's
Speaker 1: gonna be a while from now. But um, I feel
Speaker 1: like my next will never really be empty because as
Speaker 1: a mom, of boys. I'm gonna be like, come back
Speaker 1: whenever you're ready, you know what I mean, come back.
Speaker 1: Boys leave and they go out and they get their
Speaker 1: own family, and girls typically come back. Um, and when
Speaker 1: you look at my house, my parents house, Yeah, your
Speaker 1: sisters back home is back home. She's young, she's ten
Speaker 1: years younger than us though. So and when Brian was
Speaker 1: done with college, he came back home. But um, he
Speaker 1: came to live with me. But it's difficult for boys
Speaker 1: to live in a house with their father, like all
Speaker 1: that coast on the men. So I can't foresee four
Speaker 1: boys coming back home. And but what I can foresee
Speaker 1: is my boys going out there and finding they are
Speaker 1: versions of their of their mom to raise a family.
Speaker 1: And I could see all of them having mad girls.
Speaker 1: I would love that, Oh my god, I would love that.
Speaker 1: So I'm just throwing out there that I'm vetting vetting
Speaker 1: daughters in law, just so y'all know, you know, because
Speaker 1: it ain't only any old body WoT come up in
Speaker 1: here such a so you know, um, any friends that
Speaker 1: have daughter. It's funny because we have friends that have
Speaker 1: daughters and stuff like that. And I'm just like, I
Speaker 1: got my eye on such and such such we can
Speaker 1: arrange this situation or at least put them in the
Speaker 1: same circles to play, put them in the same stand by.
Speaker 1: What if they don't even like each other, I don't know.
Speaker 1: They'll they'll figure it out, figure it out. It's wishful
Speaker 1: thinking on my part, you know what I mean. I
Speaker 1: know I won't be able to control that. But what
Speaker 1: I do look forward to was raising these boys with
Speaker 1: you with the great mindset that we are going to
Speaker 1: instilling them certain values and certain you know, morals and
Speaker 1: all that good stuff, UM, so that they'll be able
Speaker 1: to go out there and make those decisions when the
Speaker 1: time comes. You know what I mean. I have faith
Speaker 1: in that, um and who they'll become. So all right, baby,
Speaker 1: So let's talk about preparing for these next eighteen years
Speaker 1: and beyond now that I think it's safe to say
Speaker 1: that we're done bringing more children into this world. UM,
Speaker 1: what are some things that you want to experience as
Speaker 1: a family. I think while they're still young, I'll answer to.
Speaker 1: But figure we interview each other a little bit and see, um,
Speaker 1: if there's one thing I've learned about life. Listening to
Speaker 1: Will Smith, he talked about laying a break, right, you
Speaker 1: look at the wall. You don't try to create a wall,
Speaker 1: because the thought of building a wall can be daunting.
Speaker 1: But every day you have to lay a break, and
Speaker 1: you lay each break perfectly until you get a perfect wall.
Speaker 1: When I think about our kids in our life, I
Speaker 1: don't really focus on the wall. I don't really focus
Speaker 1: on the wall. I try to focus on each break.
Speaker 1: Each break is a day, and and ultimately the year
Speaker 1: becomes a small part of the wall. So initially, I
Speaker 1: just want to focus on getting a schedule to where
Speaker 1: we can be um parents to a newborn and not
Speaker 1: take away from Jackson, Cairo, and cass because Jackson started
Speaker 1: playing basketball and he enjoys that. I go to every
Speaker 1: basketball practice. On top of that, UM filming, and I
Speaker 1: have other things in the works. You and I have
Speaker 1: other things in the work. I don't want to take
Speaker 1: away from our our professional careers while having a newborn
Speaker 1: and three kids. So initially, I just want to try
Speaker 1: to find a way to create an experience where the
Speaker 1: kids don't feel like they're left out. And I think
Speaker 1: that maybe by building our village out here in Atlanta
Speaker 1: a little bit more, you know, trying to find people
Speaker 1: that we can rely on who we trust that can
Speaker 1: help us maneuver. Um, having your parents here, both of
Speaker 1: them now really helps because before it was just Mimi,
Speaker 1: and that was Mimi and Papa. So if Mimi is,
Speaker 1: you know, doing something with Kats or taking him somewhere,
Speaker 1: Poppa can do something with Kiro and I can make
Speaker 1: sure I got Jackson, and then you have Dakota, and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try to keep as many adults as around
Speaker 1: as we have kids to make sure each child feels
Speaker 1: as if someone's always near them. So and initially that's
Speaker 1: what it is. No, I like that. I like that's
Speaker 1: definitely something that we felt we were lacking when we
Speaker 1: moved to l A, which is where my mom came
Speaker 1: with us. So now being in Georgia back east, even
Speaker 1: just simple things like you know, um, Jackson's godmother, one
Speaker 1: of my best friends, Christina, and her coming into town
Speaker 1: for a weekend, like those are ways to pull people
Speaker 1: in who we love and like you said, who we
Speaker 1: trust to be around our kids, to also just be
Speaker 1: our extended village, maybe not necessarily in our absence, but
Speaker 1: just to love on them a little bit more. You know. Um,
Speaker 1: I had heard the phrase or like I was like
Speaker 1: a little quote that said like the days are long
Speaker 1: with the years are short, and that told made me
Speaker 1: cry maybe cry. And I saw it recently and it's
Speaker 1: almost like, you know, God always sends little reminders to you,
Speaker 1: or you're just scrolling through Instagram aimlessly, quote unquote, but
Speaker 1: then you see something that really hits home. And it
Speaker 1: was literally in the middle of me being up like
Speaker 1: pumping one night and I was just scrolling through Instagram
Speaker 1: and it just put things in perspective for me, because
Speaker 1: it's like people want to a pace to be over with,
Speaker 1: right Like you think, like, what's this newborn face is
Speaker 1: over with and I'll be able to sleep or you know,
Speaker 1: once this phase is over with, I'll be able to
Speaker 1: do that and not really sometimes relishing and living in
Speaker 1: that moment. So you recently looked at me one morning,
Speaker 1: I was just like staring at Dakota with like the
Speaker 1: hard eyes, and he was just like, man, you seem
Speaker 1: really or you were like, you just seem really um
Speaker 1: in love with this baby this time around, and I'm
Speaker 1: just like, yeah, I'm just trying to soak up this
Speaker 1: moment and remember what this feels like, especially knowing too
Speaker 1: now I think I got emotional because and knowing like
Speaker 1: this is gonna be my last baby. So this is
Speaker 1: like the last newborn phase, the last you know, the
Speaker 1: smell of that baby, the last cry that I'm gonna hear.
Speaker 1: Like this, I just want to live in those moments
Speaker 1: and soak them up and take a couple of videos
Speaker 1: just for my safe keeping, you know. Um. Like we said,
Speaker 1: I'm not We're not gonna be putting out the blog
Speaker 1: of the birth per se, but just having that for
Speaker 1: myself to look back on our things that I want
Speaker 1: to just really um enjoy um and enjoying different phases
Speaker 1: with each child. Like Jackson, like said, it's going into basketball.
Speaker 1: He's in his little preteen phase. He's into like to
Speaker 1: his friends that he's made out here who come from
Speaker 1: families that we've been able to get really close to recently. Um,
Speaker 1: So I want to also be invested in what excites
Speaker 1: him and finding ways to be excited. So now I'm
Speaker 1: learning more about basketball around watching it in my downtime,
Speaker 1: so I know what to do. So I'm not having
Speaker 1: those delayed reactions like I did with you in football,
Speaker 1: you know, since I'm going to be a full blown
Speaker 1: boy Mom, I need to start getting into the things
Speaker 1: that they're interested in. So while they're young, I'm going
Speaker 1: to make a conscious effort to be involved in the
Speaker 1: things that they're in. Me and Kiro watch football highlights,
Speaker 1: you know, Um, I watched his karate moves. He asked
Speaker 1: me to find him a gymnastics class, like just little
Speaker 1: things like that to make sure that they can feel like, wow,
Speaker 1: Mom really relates to me on some level. It may
Speaker 1: not be all the time. I know Mom is sometimes
Speaker 1: going to be annoying, um when I teach them how
Speaker 1: to do things that they need to be to be
Speaker 1: self sufficient. But at the same time, I want to
Speaker 1: be able to relate to them, So I want to
Speaker 1: start that while they're young. Well, you know what I
Speaker 1: also want to to forster is like a closeness between
Speaker 1: them even though they ten five, four and fourteen days?
Speaker 1: How many days? Two days? I want to force a
Speaker 1: bond between my boys where you when you look at them,
Speaker 1: it's like I am my brother's keeper. You know, it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter to me that Jackson is ten years the code,
Speaker 1: the code is senior. I want them to be like
Speaker 1: Y's my brother, you know. And I want to create
Speaker 1: newer experiences of us doing things outside of our comfort zone.
Speaker 1: I want to travel more in twenty twenty two. And
Speaker 1: I know the code is young and he's a newborn
Speaker 1: and stuff like that, but I don't care. I want
Speaker 1: to create a stafe space where all of us as
Speaker 1: a family can travel and experience things outside of the
Speaker 1: United States, UM, and just experience the world differently to
Speaker 1: change their perspective. You know. UM. One of my buddies, myself,
Speaker 1: Vernon whose has as godfather, we always talked about living
Speaker 1: beyond the front porch. And so many black boys and
Speaker 1: girls only exist up until they're stoop because in a
Speaker 1: in a way to protect them from the world, their
Speaker 1: parents often guard them by not letting them see passed
Speaker 1: what's on their front stoop. And then you have other
Speaker 1: black boys and girls who are just out there who
Speaker 1: get to see only their community, and that creates what
Speaker 1: their idea of the world is, where there's so much
Speaker 1: more to this world than your neighborhood, your high school,
Speaker 1: your you know, your country. The world is huge, and
Speaker 1: sometimes their parents may not have the resources to be
Speaker 1: able to provide those opportunities to them too. And I
Speaker 1: just want to create a bond with them where they
Speaker 1: can experience things together, so they can when they get older, say, hey,
Speaker 1: remember when mom and dad took us here? Yeah, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. That it's true though I think
Speaker 1: about it because my mom and dad. UM, one thing
Speaker 1: they did with my brother and I, not as much
Speaker 1: of my sister because she was ten years younger at
Speaker 1: the time, but while my brother and I were younger,
Speaker 1: being only three and a half years apart, we travel
Speaker 1: to a different island every summer. Like that was my
Speaker 1: mom's saying, family vacation, vacation, and we still have those
Speaker 1: memories to this day. UM and my parents. One thing
Speaker 1: my mom always said, regardless off we bickered or we argued,
Speaker 1: or she said, one thing I will not do what
Speaker 1: I'm in the grave is being they're rolling around because
Speaker 1: my children don't get along. My brother, my sister, and I,
Speaker 1: like everybody knows, has a very obnoxiously obnoxiously unique, but
Speaker 1: tight relationship, and I love that for us, and that's
Speaker 1: something that we definitely I'm on the same page with
Speaker 1: you in terms of our boys having that. So you
Speaker 1: have to start them from me, absolutely, because already they'll
Speaker 1: be looking for each other and it's so funny because
Speaker 1: they don't even snitch on each other either too. They
Speaker 1: have their moments where they just are like this united front.
Speaker 1: So you're not none of I'm telling each other all
Speaker 1: get in trouble together, all right, That's fine. I respected that.
Speaker 1: A question for you now, the motherhood or the I
Speaker 1: won't say mother because motherhood never ends. Um, now that
Speaker 1: pregnancy is out of the way for you for the
Speaker 1: rest of your life and you never ever ever have
Speaker 1: to think about I have to stop this because I'm
Speaker 1: gonna try to we have another baby again. What are
Speaker 1: your goals you have for yourself just starting from this
Speaker 1: year two? Wow? You know, I'm conflicted. I'm really conflicted because, Um,
Speaker 1: for so long, for so many years, I wanted to be,
Speaker 1: you know, the next Oprah, because he wants to be
Speaker 1: like on everybody's TV screen hosting something or doing something
Speaker 1: or acting. And having my children over the past couple
Speaker 1: of years has really kind of made me feel a
Speaker 1: little bit conflicted in that so much of me wants
Speaker 1: to just be at home with my children, be at
Speaker 1: their disposal. UM, be mom who's home when Jackson walks
Speaker 1: through the door, you know, getting into from school, to
Speaker 1: be here to greet him, to find out how his
Speaker 1: day was, and um, and I realized, who, I don't
Speaker 1: do well with too much time apart from my family either.
Speaker 1: So I can just imagine myself if I were to
Speaker 1: book something and be on set somewhere for three months
Speaker 1: away from my family, how that would affect me. Um.
Speaker 1: But then also to like it was just exactly to
Speaker 1: be is always. And I also think of the fact
Speaker 1: that we always find a way to figure things out.
Speaker 1: And if that was the case and it meant that
Speaker 1: my kids had to be flown out to me every
Speaker 1: weekend or whatever, we would make it happen. Um. So
Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to finding a way to stop self sabotaging,
Speaker 1: which I think I've done for a long time. UM,
Speaker 1: thinking to myself, oh, I'm not going to really start
Speaker 1: this and ten percent because I have to stop to
Speaker 1: potentially get back now now now we you know, I'm
Speaker 1: glad we talked about this because New Year, and let's
Speaker 1: talk a little bit about self sabotage. Right. As confident
Speaker 1: and as amazing as you are, you are a bit
Speaker 1: of a self sabot tool because I think sometimes you
Speaker 1: fear what will happen if you try to do something,
Speaker 1: so in turn you say, let me not even try
Speaker 1: because right, and then you'd be like, well, I plan
Speaker 1: on having a baby anyway, to let me not do it.
Speaker 1: Now that that's out the window, you don't have an
Speaker 1: excuse and an excuse, and I think I need an
Speaker 1: excuse anymore. I think it was just a conscious, deliberate
Speaker 1: decision I was making to be like, you know what,
Speaker 1: that could wait because knowing me, I'm gonna have another
Speaker 1: baby and be out front of the two years and
Speaker 1: then have to come back. Um. But also too I realized,
Speaker 1: I mean some parts of the field of television and
Speaker 1: film or whatever, or just hosting. Um, it's a little freak.
Speaker 1: It's not forgiving in that you have to look a
Speaker 1: certain way a certain way like that's just what it is,
Speaker 1: especially if you want to be the best version of
Speaker 1: yourself in that capacity. UM. And then there's something that's
Speaker 1: a little bit more forgiving. Especially after the pandemic. We
Speaker 1: see that things are being done through zoom and virtually.
Speaker 1: But I feel like now moving forward, anything that I
Speaker 1: choose to do, UM, I want to be able to
Speaker 1: do fully and be able to commit to it and
Speaker 1: not continue to be like, well, I'm always going to
Speaker 1: have time because at this point, I don't feel like
Speaker 1: I have much more time to start something. Um, I
Speaker 1: don't know. They say they what you say. The days
Speaker 1: are long, but the years are short, right, you have
Speaker 1: twenty four hours in those days. That's true. Use them? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's true, use them. That's true. Well, I think what's
Speaker 1: gonna happen now? Having the four children, of course, and
Speaker 1: then your schedule in my schedule, it's going to force
Speaker 1: us to be a lot more um, intentional with our time.
Speaker 1: It's gonna force us to be a lot more scheduled,
Speaker 1: and I'll be leaning more on our manager Genra and
Speaker 1: you and us to figure out ways to be able
Speaker 1: to capitalize on the time we have and be more
Speaker 1: purposeful with our time. So making the time counsel. If
Speaker 1: I do have an hour of time where I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is time that I want to be devoting to
Speaker 1: Cairo today because this is what Kyro needs in that moment.
Speaker 1: I haven't spent someone on one time with Cairo, or
Speaker 1: this is what's needed for our next project. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: sit down and lock myself away for this hour because
Speaker 1: you know that's what I'm going to be looking forward
Speaker 1: to doing now is like kind of regaining the cadem
Speaker 1: You remember in college Mary organized and goal oriented and
Speaker 1: driven and had things all scheduled and laid out. I
Speaker 1: need to get back to that person because that person
Speaker 1: was very productive. Now I just have to do that
Speaker 1: with four children and a husband. So well, I mean,
Speaker 1: you spent the last decade and a year creating life.
Speaker 1: Should be proud of yourself. Applaud yourself as you spent
Speaker 1: ten years, eleven years creating eleven years, actually eleven years
Speaker 1: and two months because you know, we're thinking about a
Speaker 1: starting in a two thousand and two. Um, that's nineteen years,
Speaker 1: almost twenty years. Something about when we got married in
Speaker 1: two thousand and ten. You know, eleven years creating life.
Speaker 1: You dedicated a decade to creating life. But you're still young.
Speaker 1: So now you can focus the rest of your life
Speaker 1: on having the career you want while we balance it
Speaker 1: because you're not in here by yourself. And that the
Speaker 1: truth of the matter is that we put ourselves in
Speaker 1: a situation where, um, we can bring our families down
Speaker 1: to help. You know, we don't just necessarily have to
Speaker 1: rely on our village. We're gonna build out here in Atlanta.
Speaker 1: But we can bring our parents down and say head,
Speaker 1: we need help doing this and doing that. We can
Speaker 1: bring family and friends in what we need to help.
Speaker 1: Because I'm gonna be honest with I'm not stopping right
Speaker 1: when when I think about two, UM, we have UH
Speaker 1: TV show in development that's UM already been green lit
Speaker 1: that we're gonna be working on. It's going to be released.
Speaker 1: We got a book deal that our book will be
Speaker 1: out this I think this spring or maybe the beginning
Speaker 1: of summer. UM. I filmed to two movies last year
Speaker 1: that should be out there this year. This year, I'm
Speaker 1: looking forward to show five shows. Oh live shows past.
Speaker 1: We started them shows back in what was that last
Speaker 1: one was at the top and they were such a vibe. Y'all,
Speaker 1: y'all coming back. So I don't I don't plan on
Speaker 1: stopping with all of that happening and everything happening, I
Speaker 1: don't plan on stopping. And what I do plan on
Speaker 1: doing is finding a way to make sure my children
Speaker 1: don't lose site of who we are as parents. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I don't. I don't want to
Speaker 1: be the guy that just goes out comes back and
Speaker 1: gives money. I want to be the guy that they
Speaker 1: say no. My dad spent a lot of time with
Speaker 1: me while doing all of these things, and my mom
Speaker 1: spent a lot of time. So I'm gonna be on you.
Speaker 1: We're gonna be on each other, each other being accountable
Speaker 1: and and most importantly, I'm gonna be on your ass
Speaker 1: about us continuing to be the best couple we can
Speaker 1: be for each other. That's so important because that's where
Speaker 1: everything starts from. None of this ship works without us
Speaker 1: being on the same page, None of this works without you.
Speaker 1: Are you? So we and we know that, and that
Speaker 1: always has to be on the forefront, Like when we
Speaker 1: ever we do our New Year's resolution, like the main
Speaker 1: part is how can I be of service to my wife?
Speaker 1: And hopefully the same thing, how can you be of
Speaker 1: service to me so that we can continue to build
Speaker 1: the way we can. But if we lose to life
Speaker 1: the side of each other, everything else gonna fall apart.
Speaker 1: That's a fact. That's a fact. Do you notice that
Speaker 1: in the mornings I've been asked seem like, how can
Speaker 1: I help to make it a little easier? Better? You have?
Speaker 1: You have? I ain't a lie. You have right, because
Speaker 1: I realized how much that helps you, um, at least
Speaker 1: to prepare for your day or at least so let's
Speaker 1: gather our thoughts because every day we're having those conversations
Speaker 1: like what's happening today? Because our lives is so crazy,
Speaker 1: But I remember, we should have arguments and I should
Speaker 1: tell you like I don't think that you considered me
Speaker 1: when you were planning out your day and what I
Speaker 1: might need or what I might want or what might
Speaker 1: help me get through my day. I don't think you
Speaker 1: considered me. And we haven't had those conversations a lot,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. We've really been focused on
Speaker 1: trying to see, wait, how can I maximize my day
Speaker 1: but not lose my spouse in that day, you know,
Speaker 1: or not make make her day heavier ever because I
Speaker 1: wanted to do something else. So I feel like it's
Speaker 1: as long as we continue to do that, we can
Speaker 1: keep growing. Like for sure, I mean, sometimes we missed
Speaker 1: the mark, you know, but that's gonna have life that life. Um,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about you having four boys, bro, like we
Speaker 1: spoke earlier about me feeling like you were giving four
Speaker 1: boys or we were giving four boys because you're such
Speaker 1: a stellar man that you are now going, So how
Speaker 1: do you prepare then for manhood? Now? Like four boys,
Speaker 1: is there anything that stands out as paramount for you
Speaker 1: that you're just like man going into these next couple
Speaker 1: of years. I'm looking to do this with them, or
Speaker 1: instill this in them, or I want to see this,
Speaker 1: you know, come from the boys. One thing I'll say
Speaker 1: is that I've I've pretty much been able to watch
Speaker 1: my father mentor the young men and the junior aiming
Speaker 1: at at our church for years growing up. So I
Speaker 1: watched my father right, and I was able to have
Speaker 1: a prototype right. So I can't even take credit for
Speaker 1: the way I am with the boys because I watched
Speaker 1: my grandfather first with my my father and my uncle.
Speaker 1: Then I watched my father with me and my brother,
Speaker 1: but also all the other men he mentor. Then I
Speaker 1: did prototype for a decade where I was training and
Speaker 1: mentoring over five young men in Brooklyn. And I've learned
Speaker 1: so much from other dad's parenting while I was helping them,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So what I'm what I'm
Speaker 1: going to try to do is take bits and pieces
Speaker 1: of what I learned from dudes who I know are
Speaker 1: successful men. Because here's here's the truth. Being an exemplary
Speaker 1: dad doesn't look one way, or being an exemplary man
Speaker 1: doesn't look one way. Right. We tend to just highlight
Speaker 1: maybe the one or two people who we feel like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's the version. But I've seen versions of what that
Speaker 1: looks like my entire life. So it's not an anomaly
Speaker 1: to me. But because of mass media and the way
Speaker 1: social media is now, people tend to get clicks by
Speaker 1: posting negativity. So we see a lot of negativity when
Speaker 1: it comes to especially black men. But I've grown up
Speaker 1: watching a lot of men. I know there's men around
Speaker 1: me or I mean, you just look at some of
Speaker 1: the men we work on a daily basis. Think about
Speaker 1: all of our children's godfathers, but they've got fathers all
Speaker 1: doing different things, different professions. Super successful, Dakota's godfather, Sean
Speaker 1: who is our financial advisor, your god brother, stellar, stellar,
Speaker 1: example of what it means to be of husb been
Speaker 1: in our father and a businessman and stuff. Um, it's
Speaker 1: just amazing to see that, and I I'm just I
Speaker 1: think it's just one of those things where you have
Speaker 1: those people around you. We have them around us, and
Speaker 1: if we keep them around our children, you know, there's
Speaker 1: so many examples for them to see. Well, that's my plan.
Speaker 1: My plan is to just keep positive, strong men around
Speaker 1: my children so that they can see or have an
Speaker 1: example of what they should aspire to be. But then
Speaker 1: keep positive, strong, empowering women around them as well. They
Speaker 1: can see or aspire to who they should want to
Speaker 1: spend their life with. You see what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: for me, it's it's not even about cheerating who I
Speaker 1: want them to be. No, of course, it's just giving
Speaker 1: them examples of who they should want to be around
Speaker 1: and who they should want to be like. And as
Speaker 1: they choose what they want to be in their life,
Speaker 1: navigate help them navigate that regardless because I may not
Speaker 1: agree with every thing. And I'm realizing too, from generation
Speaker 1: to generation they're gonna do things differently. Right, You and
Speaker 1: I were entrepreneurs. We built social media followings and platforms.
Speaker 1: We went into TV film. Your mom and dad never
Speaker 1: thought that you could make money that way. My mom
Speaker 1: and dad never thought I could make money on social media.
Speaker 1: So in their eyes, if they would have curated my life,
Speaker 1: they would have been telling me no, don't do this.
Speaker 1: Your parents would be like, no, don't do that. And
Speaker 1: I've learned by watching your parents allow us to grow
Speaker 1: and go through our things, is to learn to let
Speaker 1: our boys make their decisions and nurture them through the process.
Speaker 1: So that's ultimately what I'm gonna do. It gonna be
Speaker 1: more of a watch and nurture. Nurture, this is how
Speaker 1: you do it. And you know I don't. I don't
Speaker 1: think that's gonna work. I think also watch and learn
Speaker 1: because there's been so much our kids have been teaching us,
Speaker 1: you know, so much our kids have been teaching us
Speaker 1: about ourselves, about us as individuals, how we parent. Um
Speaker 1: I lean on you a lot because I've never been
Speaker 1: a boy. So there's sometimes where you may pull me
Speaker 1: aside and say, ky, I don't think what you said
Speaker 1: just now were the way said it's going to be
Speaker 1: beneficial to Jackson or to Cairo, because you know, I
Speaker 1: don't think boys receive it that way from their mom.
Speaker 1: And what the last thing I want to do is
Speaker 1: to be that mom that's you know, the boys are
Speaker 1: running from, like oh lord, here she goes in. You
Speaker 1: know we're gonna have those moments. But um, I look
Speaker 1: to lean on you a lot because I know that
Speaker 1: you've been a boy, you're now a man. UM. You
Speaker 1: understand what it's like. You understand the little quirks that
Speaker 1: you know boys or who are growing to have UM
Speaker 1: at different phases in their life. So I'm you know,
Speaker 1: looking forward to you being able to kind of help
Speaker 1: me mother through these four boys, you know, and all
Speaker 1: the different personalities that come with them, which I'm so
Speaker 1: excited to see what Dakota is going to be like
Speaker 1: and who he's going to be like, UM, because we
Speaker 1: have three different ones that we've learned so far, so
Speaker 1: it's gonna be interesting to see how we throw a
Speaker 1: fourth personality into the mix. UM. But I'm excited, Bro,
Speaker 1: I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I almost feel like
Speaker 1: this is like the closing of one chapter. UM, still
Speaker 1: the same book, you know, just the closing of a
Speaker 1: chapter and then the start another UM as we raise
Speaker 1: these boys together. So absolutely, well, let's take a quick break, UM,
Speaker 1: let's think about those chapters as we come back, because
Speaker 1: we have some listener letters, probably some really good ones
Speaker 1: last one of the season. But like we said before,
Speaker 1: I think we said this a couple of weeks ago. Um,
Speaker 1: there's not gonna be a huge break. We're not taking
Speaker 1: any more long, dead ass breaks. You are going to
Speaker 1: hear from us consistently from now on out. So be
Speaker 1: taking a break and we'll be right back for some
Speaker 1: more listener letters. Sounds good to me, all right, and
Speaker 1: we are back letters. You want to go first? List time,
Speaker 1: y'all go first, nest time? All right, So Vina Codeine,
Speaker 1: I've been with my child's father since I was thirteen.
Speaker 1: I've been with my child's father since I was seventeen
Speaker 1: and I'm thirty four. Now. How do I get him
Speaker 1: to look at me the way he used to before
Speaker 1: we had our daughter. At first, we couldn't keep on
Speaker 1: hand ends off each other. We used to be together
Speaker 1: all the time, day in and day out. Lately, I
Speaker 1: haven't been feeling as wanted as I used to feel.
Speaker 1: I want another baby, and we talked about it. He
Speaker 1: said he wants on the baby as well. How do
Speaker 1: I get the ball rolling and the pot hot that? Um? Well,
Speaker 1: seventeen so that's double the years. That's that's they've been
Speaker 1: together for seventeen years. Um, So in seventeen years, a
Speaker 1: lot can fall off the bandwagon. Um, you know, and
Speaker 1: it's just it's just one of those things. I think,
Speaker 1: even us being together twenty years, we've had our rough patches.
Speaker 1: We are you know, declines and all sorts of things,
Speaker 1: whether it was just declines and intimacy, declines and interests
Speaker 1: depending on where we were in our life. Um, she says,
Speaker 1: how do I get him to look at me the bed? Well,
Speaker 1: I would like to see what you look like, what
Speaker 1: you look like at thirty four after being seventeen. No,
Speaker 1: I'm kidding, but seriously I'm not, but seriously said seriously,
Speaker 1: I'm not. Um, what has happened in the past seventeen years?
Speaker 1: What does that look like for you guys? Now you know? Um,
Speaker 1: what do you guys continue to do together to create
Speaker 1: that want or desire? Um? Can I put Can I
Speaker 1: put something out here? I'm being dead asked with y'all
Speaker 1: listeners out here? This whole talk that people say, you know,
Speaker 1: accept me as I am. Things change looks fake? No, no no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I get that, But do you really put any work
Speaker 1: in to keep yourself up? Mhm? And that's two men
Speaker 1: and women like you can't just expect the person that
Speaker 1: you fell in love with or that person that fell
Speaker 1: into love with you to just let yourself go and say, well,
Speaker 1: it's yours, your responsibility now to love me like this.
Speaker 1: I didn't. I didn't give a shit about you enough
Speaker 1: to try to work hard to maintain myself. It's just
Speaker 1: your job. That's unfair. That is the most lazy, selfish
Speaker 1: mindset anybody can have, man or woman. We talked about
Speaker 1: this on the last podcast. Right, it's just important for
Speaker 1: a man to keep himself up as a woman, right,
Speaker 1: But what we don't talk about is how important it
Speaker 1: is to do it for yourself one so that you
Speaker 1: can feel good enough to even want to be intimate
Speaker 1: with someone. Because here's another thing, right, we had I
Speaker 1: think we had a friend, I'm not remember exactly which
Speaker 1: friend it was, but said that he didn't feel like
Speaker 1: initiating sex because he didn't feel comfortable being naked in
Speaker 1: front of his work. He said he didn't feel the same.
Speaker 1: So then she was kind of like, well, what do
Speaker 1: you mean? What you mean? And I'm just like, bro,
Speaker 1: you're know corny, that is that you let yourself go.
Speaker 1: So now you're neglecting your wife because you don't feel comfortable.
Speaker 1: But you're also not putting any work to get back,
Speaker 1: so it's complaining but not doing anything about the complaint.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. And it's the same thing
Speaker 1: with women. Do it. You know, you let yourself go
Speaker 1: and now you don't feel comfortable, but you want your
Speaker 1: husband to be on you, but you're not even putting
Speaker 1: any work. So you just want all the work to
Speaker 1: be on him or her to make you feel better,
Speaker 1: but you're a willing to put any work on yourself.
Speaker 1: Like I really want to put this out there for
Speaker 1: two that if you want your significant other to look
Speaker 1: at you the way that you used to look, or say,
Speaker 1: I want them too we first met, how about you
Speaker 1: try looking like how you first met, even if it's
Speaker 1: seventeen years. I know for a fact that I don't
Speaker 1: look the same way I look when I was eighteen,
Speaker 1: And I mean, all right, but she grew into yourself
Speaker 1: very nicely. I appreciate that. But I put working, I
Speaker 1: go on the gym, and I'd be in there looking
Speaker 1: at myself and eating right and make it because I'm
Speaker 1: like when I get out the shower, I want to
Speaker 1: be glistening and I want kay to be like damn,
Speaker 1: that's my husband. I don't just say funk this. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I look the way I look.
Speaker 1: You know, she got accepted. I think that that's selfish
Speaker 1: and lazy, right, you know. And I'm not saying that's
Speaker 1: her because we don't know. I don't know what she's got, right,
Speaker 1: And then she said, look at me the same way.
Speaker 1: It could be a physical thing, or it could just
Speaker 1: be a not connected thing, right if it's not fit.
Speaker 1: If it's not physical, say physical is still fine? Is
Speaker 1: there disconnect there? Why is there disconnect? What happens to
Speaker 1: cause it? Are you guys on the same page about
Speaker 1: something like? There can also be a non physical side
Speaker 1: to this thing too, you know, so I think you
Speaker 1: should explore what those what those disconnects are. Is it
Speaker 1: something that's just like an intimacy thing where you guys
Speaker 1: are just not vibing and not mentally in the same space, um,
Speaker 1: not emotionally in the same space. Are there other outside
Speaker 1: factors that are contributing to that? Has he been working
Speaker 1: a lot over the past couple of years and he's
Speaker 1: just tired or he just needs to break to you,
Speaker 1: to need a break to kind of a little words
Speaker 1: working people what it is. People ask people ask us
Speaker 1: all the time, like how do y'all do this? And
Speaker 1: then when we say things, you know what they say,
Speaker 1: I ain't trying to do all that. Then you're not
Speaker 1: trying to rekindle your intimacy. Seriously, you're not trying to
Speaker 1: be in a relationship like that. That seems to be
Speaker 1: a recurring theme with couples. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: why I don't want to get married because I ain't
Speaker 1: trying to do all this and that So okay, So
Speaker 1: you just want someone to just accept you without you
Speaker 1: putting no work. There is nothing in life that you're
Speaker 1: going to gain that you want without putting work, nothing
Speaker 1: worth having at least, And that's that's physically, mentally, emotionally
Speaker 1: of spiritualy. Do you have to work for yourself about
Speaker 1: yourself in all of those aspects to continue to build
Speaker 1: intimacy like that? That is important and it's a never
Speaker 1: ending journey and it doesn't stop. There should be no
Speaker 1: point in your marriage where you stop doing anything physically, mentally,
Speaker 1: and emotionally and spiritually with your partner to help keep
Speaker 1: intimacy up right. And if that's something that you don't
Speaker 1: want to subscribe to then stay single boom. Just know
Speaker 1: that you're gonna be single and that's what it is,
Speaker 1: and don't put nobody else through that misery boom and
Speaker 1: the understand that you can stay single like that if
Speaker 1: you want to be you know that selfish, which is fine,
Speaker 1: but understand people will want you in that moment and
Speaker 1: then when they get over that, they're gonna move on.
Speaker 1: But they don't say people ain't ship. Is that if
Speaker 1: you desire to be in a relationship, it takes work
Speaker 1: to maintain and being a relationship with someone that's it. Period, period,
Speaker 1: all right, and last one for the day. I need advice.
Speaker 1: My wife and I have been married for four years
Speaker 1: now but been together for eight years total. To me,
Speaker 1: there seems to be a disconnecting the relationship because I'm
Speaker 1: military and the Army is always sending me somewhere at
Speaker 1: the worst times. For example, we could be starting a
Speaker 1: business and the next month I have to uproot and leave,
Speaker 1: and I know that's affecting her. In my mind, I don't.
Speaker 1: I'm doing the right thing and keeping my word that
Speaker 1: I will always provide and that she and the kids
Speaker 1: will never want for anything. I just got back from
Speaker 1: Mexico and it was away from the family for over
Speaker 1: a year due to military orders. I bought my wife
Speaker 1: a new house. It has the acre she's always asked for.
Speaker 1: We're taking family trips to places we've never been. But
Speaker 1: deep down I know it's not enough before I lose
Speaker 1: the one I love most. What can I do to
Speaker 1: make her feel appreciated? What can she do to understand
Speaker 1: that I'm not being selfish? When Uncle Sam says, pack up,
Speaker 1: that's what it is. More importantly, how can I balance
Speaker 1: my military life and my family life? And the words
Speaker 1: of Kevin Heart help me, help me. This is the forever,
Speaker 1: the never ending balance of being a man right Your
Speaker 1: Your wife says she wants all of these things right,
Speaker 1: so you bust your ads to provide all of these things.
Speaker 1: But those things take time away from her wanting we
Speaker 1: want her, wanting you to be there. You know, you
Speaker 1: and I had this conversation where I was I think
Speaker 1: it was the last couple of weeks I was away
Speaker 1: because you know we I was filming and working on
Speaker 1: a different TV show, and you just like sad. It
Speaker 1: was a madag. I just want you home, And I said,
Speaker 1: you know, in your mind, you want me to give
Speaker 1: you all of these things and be home to enjoy
Speaker 1: the things with you. And you were like yes, and
Speaker 1: I was just like that, that's just not how it works.
Speaker 1: There's a there's a balance, and there's a lot of
Speaker 1: communication that needs to be involved with that. But there's
Speaker 1: also ways to especially with technology now with FaceTime. I
Speaker 1: know we gets annoying, but face timing has helped us
Speaker 1: in our distance. When I'm not here, I can face
Speaker 1: some you and the boys every day. Yeah, but but
Speaker 1: also understanding that in order to get things in life,
Speaker 1: you have to sacrifice certain things for a certain amount
Speaker 1: of time and tokens like think about it. You were
Speaker 1: filming the other day and I was home, mad, pregnant,
Speaker 1: and I just see a delivery show up and it's
Speaker 1: just like a little flower of the thing of flowers,
Speaker 1: and it says, it's just because it's Tuesday and I'm
Speaker 1: thinking of you. And it's little things like that to
Speaker 1: make you smile. You know, it doesn't always have to
Speaker 1: be a gift or something that you're spending money on,
Speaker 1: but just little moments to let the other know that
Speaker 1: you're thinking about them, I think is huge. And also
Speaker 1: just understanding. Like if you're a wife and you marry
Speaker 1: an army guy, you knew what you signed up for.
Speaker 1: Complaining after knowing what you signed signed up for seems
Speaker 1: to be a little bit still getting the things that
Speaker 1: you've been at. You know what I'm saying. That seems
Speaker 1: a little bit selfish, But I know what it's like
Speaker 1: as a woman when you just miss your man and
Speaker 1: you're absolutely and you want him to be able to
Speaker 1: enjoy all the acres with you every day and he
Speaker 1: wants to be there. I trust me he wants to
Speaker 1: be there. I mean if if he's as good as
Speaker 1: she's as he's saying he is and getting all the
Speaker 1: things he wants, he even wants to be able to
Speaker 1: provide her with the time. But it's impossible to give
Speaker 1: her the things and the time because I remember I
Speaker 1: made a post a couple of years back that I
Speaker 1: felt guilty, um when I was away and you and
Speaker 1: the kids were doing things together. Um My boy Solving,
Speaker 1: who's been on on the podcast Slick, He said he
Speaker 1: was pissed the other day because um Rema took the
Speaker 1: kids to the zoo and he was like, these are
Speaker 1: the fucking message I get when I'm aware you're just
Speaker 1: doing things and spending times having moments, and I gotta
Speaker 1: get videos when I'm on set filming and I think about,
Speaker 1: you're not coming to Disney Road for Cairo's birthday, prime example.
Speaker 1: What I'm saying, we had to literally rush you out
Speaker 1: of the restaurant, cut the cake early just because you
Speaker 1: had a flight to catch to be back to film.
Speaker 1: And I was in Disney World with the boys, pregnant,
Speaker 1: with my parents for the day fifth birthday. You don't
Speaker 1: think I wanted to be there for that exactly, but
Speaker 1: you did the absolute best you could do there to
Speaker 1: the very last minute, even if it meant lack of
Speaker 1: sleep and all that you know, and also understanding that
Speaker 1: this moment in time won't be the rest of your life.
Speaker 1: At some point's going to retire from the military, and
Speaker 1: it's for both of them to understand that, let me
Speaker 1: put these hours in time in now so that there
Speaker 1: come a point where I can do what I want
Speaker 1: to do. And that's what's my thought processes, is do
Speaker 1: the things that I have to do now so that
Speaker 1: I can do what I want to do later. Sounds
Speaker 1: good to me, all right, y'all continue to write in
Speaker 1: for listening letters, especially going into the next season. We
Speaker 1: didn't do a listener letter episode this season because we
Speaker 1: had so much to talk about when it came to
Speaker 1: the baby and the pregnancy and everything after that. UM,
Speaker 1: so keep writing in and if you want to be
Speaker 1: featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to
Speaker 1: email us at dead Advice at gmail dot com. That's
Speaker 1: D E A D A S S A d V
Speaker 1: I C E at gmail dot com. All right, my
Speaker 1: moment of truth is to make sure you'll hold me
Speaker 1: accountable and I'll hand no more babies. But no, um, seriously,
Speaker 1: I am just honestly, like I said, looking forward to
Speaker 1: this next portion of our life where we're just working
Speaker 1: on the best version of ourselves, being the best version
Speaker 1: of ourselves so we can be the best version of
Speaker 1: ourselves for each other and then of course for our
Speaker 1: four sons. That's what I want to do moving forward
Speaker 1: New Year, no resolutions or anything, just planning, UM, planning
Speaker 1: to make active movements, which is something we've always done.
Speaker 1: It's always worked for us over the past. This will
Speaker 1: be twenty years in October that we have been together.
Speaker 1: Twenty years UM October three two So UM so yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm just I just want us to continue because this
Speaker 1: first twenty years has been quite the ride, and I'm
Speaker 1: looking forward to twenty times spot more. Well, my moment
Speaker 1: of truth is that I'm a kingmaker, You're a king baker. Clearly,
Speaker 1: this is what God in the universe had for us.
Speaker 1: I'm excited to get ready to to raise these boys
Speaker 1: and create a beautiful life with you. And that starts
Speaker 1: the beginning of the year two for the rest of
Speaker 1: our lives. And I'm with it. And I also want
Speaker 1: to take this time to wish nothing but prosperity and
Speaker 1: good things all of our listeners of Dead as Podcasts.
Speaker 1: Y'all have been writing with us for six seasons are
Speaker 1: three years I believe three years six having fun. Yeah,
Speaker 1: y'all funk with us heavy. We funk with y'all heavy,
Speaker 1: and nothing but love and prosperity and good things all
Speaker 1: of y'all. I can't wait to me person like I said,
Speaker 1: that's too about to me. That's my favorite part of everything.
Speaker 1: I said. If we're going to continue this podcast, we
Speaker 1: have to do some live shows. So we're looking forward
Speaker 1: to see y'all when we get a schedule out for
Speaker 1: this year. Um, we're gonna definitely try to make that
Speaker 1: happen all right. In the meantime, make sure you'll follow
Speaker 1: us on social media. Dead asked the podcast and I'm Candin,
Speaker 1: I am and I am devout. And if you're listening
Speaker 1: on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 1: And remember there are no more dead Ass breaks. We
Speaker 1: will be back continuously, all of two. Can't wait for
Speaker 1: We love y'all, Baby enjoyed the New Year. Absolutely dead
Speaker 1: Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network
Speaker 1: and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple. Follow the podcast
Speaker 1: on social media at dead as the podcasts and never
Speaker 1: miss a Thing