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Speaker 1: Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray.

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Speaker 1: It's ready. Are you welcome to stump Mom Never told you?

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Speaker 1: From house Stop works dot com. Hello, and welcome to

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Speaker 1: the podcast. I'm Kristen, I'm Molly. Now for anyone out

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Speaker 1: there listening who was going through a breakup or has

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Speaker 1: recently been rejected in love and it's feeling, you know,

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Speaker 1: just lingering feelings for a certain someone out there, I

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Speaker 1: have a wonderful consoling piece of not really advice, it's

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Speaker 1: more just just a fact for you to to hang

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Speaker 1: on tightly and fall asleep next to you every night

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Speaker 1: as you go through this emotional journey. I'm ready, Christen.

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Speaker 1: It is all in your brain, everything that you're feeling,

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Speaker 1: all of that, all of that love lost, just that

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Speaker 1: horrible state where you don't want to sleep, you don't

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Speaker 1: want to eat, you're trying not to text, your like,

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Speaker 1: checking their Facebook obsessively to see if someone you know

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Speaker 1: might have written something suggestive on their wall, all of it.

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Speaker 1: We've all done it before. Here's the thing, people, you're

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Speaker 1: not crazy. It's just your brain going nuts. And I

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Speaker 1: find that to be quite reasure. I do too. We're

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Speaker 1: going to talk about this study that came out just

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Speaker 1: a few weeks ago. It was let up by Helen Fisher,

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Speaker 1: who we talked about on the Why does the Sizzle

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Speaker 1: Fizzle Podcast, and she worked with researcher's named Lucy Brown,

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Speaker 1: Arthur Aaron greg Strong and Debora Magic. And the study

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Speaker 1: is called Reward Addiction and Emotion Regulation Systems associated with

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Speaker 1: Projection and Love. But if I could suggest an alternate title,

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Speaker 1: I would suggest something like, if you're broken up, read this.

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Speaker 1: It will make you feel a lot better. Yes, because yes,

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Speaker 1: as Kristen says, it's all in your brain and that's

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Speaker 1: so helpful because it's out of your control for reasons

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Speaker 1: we're going to discuss. But you know how like you

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Speaker 1: know the word the deepest, darkest moments and it seems

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Speaker 1: like they're never going to end. This study just shows

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Speaker 1: how it's not in your control. It's there are no

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Speaker 1: rules to a breakup, yeah, or just or just being rejected.

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Speaker 1: You don't necessarily have to be in a relationship with

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Speaker 1: someone and be broken up with. It could have just

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Speaker 1: been you know, you've really been even crushing hard on

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Speaker 1: somebody and you finally take it out there and the

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Speaker 1: person says, thanks, but no things. But if you've got

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Speaker 1: that friend who's telling you, oh, you should be over

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Speaker 1: this by now, Oh, you're just trying to give you

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Speaker 1: some kind of time frame. Yeah, Like, this study is

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Speaker 1: so reassuring in the way that it shows you that

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Speaker 1: there is no right or wrong way to go through this.

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Speaker 1: You're just gonna have to wait for these crazy neurons

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Speaker 1: in your brain to get themselves figured out and time.

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Speaker 1: The happy ending, I'll go ahead and tell you, is

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Speaker 1: that time does take care of that. Time does he'll

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Speaker 1: all wounds. That's not really reassuring when you're going through

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Speaker 1: the worst of it. But but this is some kind

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Speaker 1: of explanation for the feelings that you are feeling. And

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Speaker 1: while yes, I mean we cannot it is very unromantic

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Speaker 1: to some up are um very heart heartfelt feelings towards

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Speaker 1: other people in terms of different brain regions and neurotransmitters

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Speaker 1: and if we're in aspects of our brain just firing

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Speaker 1: off more more rapidly than normal. UM. And this is

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Speaker 1: also I should say it could be considered the companion

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Speaker 1: piece too. Why does the sizzle fizzle? UM? Which I

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Speaker 1: highly recommend you go back to because this is Also,

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Speaker 1: this is all dealing with Helen Fisher's work. Helen Fishers

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Speaker 1: an anthropologists who has studied um how our brains react

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Speaker 1: to love and what exactly love is and why these

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Speaker 1: kind of strong driving feelings exists. Because one of the

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Speaker 1: most interesting things that Fisher points out is that romantic

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Speaker 1: love is not actually an emotion when you get down

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Speaker 1: to the physical basis of it, It's actually a goal oriented,

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Speaker 1: motivational spate state. It's a drive. It is a drive,

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Speaker 1: and it is actually stronger than our sex drive because

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Speaker 1: if you think about it, you know, if you are

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Speaker 1: denied just simply sex, like, it's a lot easier to

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Speaker 1: sometimes go without sex and be told no just for

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Speaker 1: the physical act of that, rather than being rejected in

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Speaker 1: terms of you know, a love partner if you will.

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Speaker 1: And Fisher also points out that its basis is in

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Speaker 1: mammalian species, not just in human behavior. Yeah, she likens

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Speaker 1: it to a puppy that's been separated from a mother

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Speaker 1: and the terms of how it behaves. And you know,

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Speaker 1: it might sound, as Kristen said, depressing to think that

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Speaker 1: it's a ride rather than an emotion love, but she

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Speaker 1: points out, you know, it's easier to stop being angry

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Speaker 1: than it is to stop being in love. So it

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Speaker 1: really is this all powerful drive. So what happens when

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Speaker 1: that drive is thwarted when the person that you care

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Speaker 1: about most doesn't care about you back. That's where we're

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Speaker 1: going to get into this study that we both have

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Speaker 1: just spent five minutes talking about how much we love.

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Speaker 1: Let's share our sure, our love whatever, because I think

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Speaker 1: it's always you know, it's great to have um some

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Speaker 1: kind of neurological explanation to very inexplicable emotionally driven behaviors. Right,

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Speaker 1: So what happened with this study is that on the

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Speaker 1: college campus they put up these posters that said, are

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Speaker 1: you having trouble getting over someone? If so, call us?

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Speaker 1: Have you been rejected in love? And people responded and

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Speaker 1: they got ten women and five men who had been

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Speaker 1: rejected by a partner. The relationships had been of differing links.

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Speaker 1: One relationship had lasted as long as four years, but

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Speaker 1: I think two years was about average. The average age

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Speaker 1: was about night been because this was a college setting, UM,

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Speaker 1: and the breakup time really varied. Some people had just

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Speaker 1: been dump some people have been, you know, dealing with

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Speaker 1: us for a few months, so they have these people

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Speaker 1: sort of varying levels of rejection, but all of them

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Speaker 1: said that they were exhibiting sort of these worst worst

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Speaker 1: case scenarios of the obsessive emailing, the obsessive internet stalking.

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Speaker 1: And these participants were so broken hearted that Helen Fisher

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Speaker 1: actually told one of her fellow researchers. I think she

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Speaker 1: told Lucy Brown this that interviewing these subjects was almost

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Speaker 1: so painful she wouldn't want to do a study like

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Speaker 1: this before, because some of them just broke down because

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Speaker 1: they had to bring in a photograph of their beloved

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Speaker 1: or ex beloved, if you will. They had to bring

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Speaker 1: a photograph with them, and even just looking at the

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Speaker 1: picture drove some of these people to tears. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: mean when you are when you have been rejected, you

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Speaker 1: are a raw wound. It's awful. You are just gaping emotion,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes it it uh swings from you know, the

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Speaker 1: happiness of remembering the ideal. I times when you're just like,

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Speaker 1: but everything was so perfect, to the anger of course

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Speaker 1: we should get back together, everything was great, to the

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Speaker 1: absolute anger of that moment of betrayal of someone cheated

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Speaker 1: on you, of that breakup, if you didn't get an

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Speaker 1: honest answer. You know, we have the sense of closure

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Speaker 1: and you know talking me out. Oh I didn't have closure.

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Speaker 1: So you can just go from one extreme to the

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Speaker 1: other in five minutes. And that's what these people were like.

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Speaker 1: And you know, as Kristen said, it was kind of overwhelming,

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Speaker 1: but as but they brought up the picture of their beloved.

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Speaker 1: Then they brought a picture of a person who they

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Speaker 1: felt absolutely nothing about. Yeah, like someone who has had

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Speaker 1: a significant you know, like connection in their life. But

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Speaker 1: wasn't there was that love of connection. Yeah. In fact,

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Speaker 1: they it was sort of people they found boring because

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Speaker 1: they didn't want friends who might have had like really

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Speaker 1: positive emotions associated with them. They got people who were

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Speaker 1: sort of boring, and uh, they put them into an

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Speaker 1: MRI machine and and they had to perform certain tasks

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Speaker 1: while they were in the MRI machine. First, what they

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Speaker 1: would do they look at the picture of the beloved,

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Speaker 1: and as Kristen said, people would start to cry. Uh,

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Speaker 1: people would start yelling and get really angry because while

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Speaker 1: they were doing this, they were told to reminisce about

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Speaker 1: different experiences in their relationship. So they're thinking about either

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Speaker 1: the things that made them happiest the things that made

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Speaker 1: them angriest. And then while still looking at the picture,

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Speaker 1: they would have to count backwards by sevens from eight thousand,

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Speaker 1: two hundred and eleven. And they did that to distract themselves,

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Speaker 1: and they found that forty seconds is like the optimal

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Speaker 1: time to distract yourself. So I said, that's a side

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Speaker 1: tip if you get really if you're like at work

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Speaker 1: and you're just like I can't focus, have been broken up,

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Speaker 1: stop and take forty seconds and count backwards from seven

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Speaker 1: from some random number, because distracting your brain will work.

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Speaker 1: Then they would spend another minute looking at the picture

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Speaker 1: of the person they didn't care about, and then they'd

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Speaker 1: spend another time doing the countdown task. And so then

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Speaker 1: what they had the researchers was a bunch of brain

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Speaker 1: scans from when the person was really sort of riled

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Speaker 1: up about this situation versus times when they were much

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Speaker 1: more you know, board or just complacent or working on counting.

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Speaker 1: Just sort of the baseline brain picture. And these were

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Speaker 1: the five main regions that really went haywire when they

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Speaker 1: saw the photograph of the person that they still loved.

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Speaker 1: Number one, we've got the ventral teg mental area the

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Speaker 1: v t A, if you will, and this is in

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Speaker 1: the midbrain, and this is linked a lot to motivation

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Speaker 1: and reward. And this concept of motivation and reward is

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Speaker 1: going to come up a lot when we talk about

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Speaker 1: romantic love because when it comes to like we said earlier,

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Speaker 1: um from early stage, romantic love in particular is a

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Speaker 1: goal oriented, motivational state where it drives you. So you know,

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Speaker 1: that's the reason why you know when you first fall

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Speaker 1: in love with someone, that's all you can think about.

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Speaker 1: You can skip meals, you can skip work, you can

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Speaker 1: do whatever, because there is just one thing on your

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Speaker 1: mind compelling you to breathe from minute to minute. So

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Speaker 1: after the v t A, we also have the nucleus

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Speaker 1: incumbents and the prefrontal cortex, and these activated areas bring

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Speaker 1: up the similarity similarity between love and addiction because Helen

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Speaker 1: Fisher continually compares the brain pathways of love to the

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Speaker 1: same pathways that are ignited when you have a cocaine addiction. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I think we talked about this in Sizzle Fizzle,

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Speaker 1: is that you know when you just can't do anything

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Speaker 1: because you're thinking about someone so much, it's the same

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Speaker 1: sort of feeling you might have if you were addicted

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Speaker 1: to drugs, and when you get a little bit of it,

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Speaker 1: it takes you up, and when you're taken away from it,

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Speaker 1: you go through withdrawll, same disease. I mean, there should

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Speaker 1: be like love rehab. Yeah, and I guess think you

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Speaker 1: can make the argument this is a totally different podcast,

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Speaker 1: but if you have replaced one addiction with another, at

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Speaker 1: the bottom of it, maybe the fact that you're rejecting

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Speaker 1: to love. But we're not gonna go there yet another

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Speaker 1: theory for another time. And then we also have areas

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Speaker 1: in our four rain that deals specifically with processing gains

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Speaker 1: and losses and also the anticipation of a gain. Because

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Speaker 1: here's the interesting thing that I was surprised to find

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Speaker 1: in this study. Adversity and love all right, tends to

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Speaker 1: actually heighten your feelings of romantic love. And uh Fisher

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Speaker 1: has this hypothesis that rejection actually activates your reward systems

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Speaker 1: that mediate emotion and reward, and when that reward is delayed,

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Speaker 1: i e. Like you have been rejected, then those reward

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Speaker 1: expecting neurons in your brain actually keep going longer because

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Speaker 1: they yeah, they're they're they're waiting they're waiting to get

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Speaker 1: some kind of satisfaction, but it's not coming because you've

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Speaker 1: been rejected. So it just kind of sends that part

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Speaker 1: of your brain into overdrive, which I think is why

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Speaker 1: people get so hung up on fantasizing the way they

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Speaker 1: will get back together. I know that I'm very gualty

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Speaker 1: of that. Why you can win a person back. I

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Speaker 1: remembers and back. But just like act like what they're

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Speaker 1: gonna say when they come back and beg your for

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Speaker 1: your forgiveness. That's not you just being like insane. That's

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Speaker 1: your reward centers going insane for themselves, reward expecting neurons.

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Speaker 1: People probably think we're crazy by now, but I think

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Speaker 1: it's interesting. Uh. Then we also have our autonomous nervous

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Speaker 1: system in the insular cortex, which really is linked to

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Speaker 1: the intense emotionality surrounding all this. This is why we

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Speaker 1: can daydream about these people day in and day out

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Speaker 1: and then finally, um, the insular cortex is also linked

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Speaker 1: to the emotional pain, because let's face it, this stuff

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Speaker 1: is painful, yeah, and it feels like it's painful in

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Speaker 1: your very body, Like you know, heartache is called heartache

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Speaker 1: for a reason. Because it can hurt. Yeah, and I

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Speaker 1: think that that really shows how the brain the mind

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Speaker 1: body connection. When that part of your brain is firing,

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Speaker 1: it is going to affect you. Sometimes you get a

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Speaker 1: flu like right after you've been dumped, because your body

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Speaker 1: is in such a compromised position, all because of the

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Speaker 1: stupid brain. Right the In response to to extreme breakups,

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Speaker 1: people's findies will actually release cortisol, which stimulates the immune

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Speaker 1: system to prepare for some kind of kind of sickness.

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Speaker 1: I mean, love sickness ain't no joke. Yeah, I mean

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Speaker 1: all these things that have been put into two songs

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Speaker 1: and movies, it all goes back to the brain. So

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Speaker 1: let's talk about We talked a little bit about it,

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Speaker 1: but let's go into a little bit deeper of why

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Speaker 1: it matters that these areas were lit up when these

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Speaker 1: people were thinking about their exes. Because what was surprising

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Speaker 1: to me is so many of them. I mean, the

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Speaker 1: people admitted I'm still in love with this person. They

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Speaker 1: reject me, but I'm still in love. And uh, so

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Speaker 1: many of the same brain areas that have been scanned

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Speaker 1: and people who are in love lit up. And it's funny.

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Speaker 1: How Um, that's why it can be so hard to

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Speaker 1: get everyone because that part of your brain doesn't stop

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Speaker 1: firing for a long time. And as Kristen said, it's

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Speaker 1: that firing has being made more intense by the fact

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Speaker 1: that you can't satisfy the strive. You can't get what

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Speaker 1: you want, you're knocking that reward, you're not getting, Uh,

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Speaker 1: this drive for companionship and love met And that explains

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Speaker 1: why the major difference in in brain activity between the

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Speaker 1: rejected lovers and the brains of people who are also

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Speaker 1: happily in love. Because Fisher has done plenty of f

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Speaker 1: fMRI I studies also on people who report being completely

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Speaker 1: in love mutually in love with with their partners, and

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Speaker 1: the rejected lovers show significantly greater activity in the areas

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Speaker 1: of the brain that are related to you know, love

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Speaker 1: as an addiction and also the motivation and reward. So

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Speaker 1: it's like those kind of those parts are going into overdrive,

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Speaker 1: where those reward expecting neurons are firing, they're waiting for

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Speaker 1: their satisfaction, and also kind of the the addictive aspect

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Speaker 1: of the brain um is going into overdrive as well,

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Speaker 1: kind of creating those feelings of withdrawal if you will,

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Speaker 1: and you know, I've heard myself saying a bunch of times, like,

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Speaker 1: how can I still feel this way about a person

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Speaker 1: when they've done me so wrong? To borrow a tear?

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Speaker 1: But it's because, as we said, this adversity heightens all

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Speaker 1: that love. It's almost like you love someone more after

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Speaker 1: they're awful to you because of the way the brain

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Speaker 1: is acting now. But I think that the cocaine thing,

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Speaker 1: like not to dwell on it, but it's important to

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Speaker 1: know that. Just as you wouldn't say to a person

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Speaker 1: who was an addict, like, oh, it's been two weeks,

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Speaker 1: you shouldn't really still be craving cocaine. You would never

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Speaker 1: say that to a person. That's why you can't say

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Speaker 1: it to someone who's going through a break up, because

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Speaker 1: it's the same thing. Yeah, it takes time, But the

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Speaker 1: good news from all of this is that over time,

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Speaker 1: these areas of the brain chill out. Yeah, and it's

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Speaker 1: probably why rebounds are so common, because I'm sure once

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Speaker 1: you know, I'm just kind of going off on my

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Speaker 1: own scientific hypothesis. Is not a hell and Fisher. This

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Speaker 1: is not a hell and Fisher thought. This is Kristen

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Speaker 1: Gonger PhD um I'm guessing that rebounds are so common

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Speaker 1: because it's sort of replaces. It satisfies if you will,

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Speaker 1: those reward expecting neurons, if only for a night or

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Speaker 1: a week or a month or whatever. Um, it's like

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Speaker 1: you're you're I think that some people have like that,

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Speaker 1: just neurological drive to satisfy it in some way. Yeah. Um.

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Speaker 1: But as time went on, the people who you know,

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Speaker 1: the people who have been broken up the longest in

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Speaker 1: this study, did have less intense firing up the most

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Speaker 1: central areas related to love and related to addiction as

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Speaker 1: time went on. So that's why I think it's important

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Speaker 1: not to put a time limit on yourself, because it's

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Speaker 1: gonna happen. When it's gonna happen. Eventually, your brain is

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Speaker 1: going to realize, oh, this isn't the reward anymore. It'll

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Speaker 1: chill out and life will go on. And one thing

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Speaker 1: I found Helen Fisher said was that you shouldn't even

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Speaker 1: be friends with an ex for three years, because that's

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Speaker 1: how long it may take to get your brain back

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Speaker 1: to normal. Helen Helen Fish with us a long time.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to stand with Helen Fisher on us. She

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Speaker 1: doesn't seem to know what she's talking about. But for

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Speaker 1: anyone out there who's asking themselves, why are Molly and

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Speaker 1: Kristen talking about the brain right now? I mean, it's

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Speaker 1: your it's your heart, and it hurts, and it's just

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Speaker 1: you know, it takes time for this emotional wound to heal. Well,

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Speaker 1: I we we bring us up because in some of

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Speaker 1: these cases, some of the participants who in this study

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Speaker 1: reported that once they knew what the study was about

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Speaker 1: and were aware of these connections between their brain and emotions,

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Speaker 1: came back to the researchers and said, hey, I gotta

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Speaker 1: tell you, Ever since kind of putting the pieces together

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Speaker 1: between how my brain is reacting and the you know,

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Speaker 1: the emotional behaviors that it's producing, I'm starting to feel

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Speaker 1: a little bit better. But it kind of gives you

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Speaker 1: a little more agency in this situation, if you will.

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Speaker 1: And also they were saying that some of these students

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Speaker 1: were already just by the very process of going under

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Speaker 1: these brain scans, were undergoing quote unquote reappraisal success, which

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Speaker 1: is basically when they remember the not so great aspects

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Speaker 1: of the relationship. Yeah, I mean I think that anyone

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Speaker 1: from a self help gurup to. Helen Fisher is going

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Speaker 1: to tell you that part of that reappraisal that your

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Speaker 1: brain keeps making you do is looking for lessons. And

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Speaker 1: they say that the people who can find those lessons

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Speaker 1: are the ones who are going to you know, for

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Speaker 1: I guess for lack of bet term recover better. Um,

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Speaker 1: not that I think that there's any sort of gold

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Speaker 1: standard and breakup recovery, but uh, part of that reappraisal

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Speaker 1: is figuring out we know why this happened, but just

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Speaker 1: you know, learning a lesson about yourself. Yeah, and if

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Speaker 1: it helps at all. Here's the thing everybody goes through this.

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Speaker 1: There was a large scale study of UM college students

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Speaker 1: at Case Western Reserve. It's referenced a lot and a

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Speaker 1: lot of these UM similar types of studies on rejection

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Speaker 1: and love of both sexes reported that they had been

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Speaker 1: rejected by someone that they adored and also said that

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Speaker 1: they had rejected someone who was deeply in love with them.

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Speaker 1: So no, that's but listen to that though not any

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Speaker 1: more people had done the rejecting than had been rejected.

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Speaker 1: So and of course, you know, the trite thing to

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Speaker 1: say is that the person who would reject you is

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Speaker 1: not the person you want to be with anyway, So

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Speaker 1: it would happen for a reason. It's it's better just

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Speaker 1: to deal with the pain now than to deal with

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Speaker 1: something that might have happened down the line. But um,

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Speaker 1: I think that also it's important to note that you

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Speaker 1: can distract yourself. You can metaphorically count back from seven

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Speaker 1: every time you need to think about that. Well, first,

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Speaker 1: I think it is important to acknowledge and uh and

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Speaker 1: Fisher underscores is a lot is that rejected lovers do

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Speaker 1: go through two distinct phases. That starts with protests saying,

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Speaker 1: oh my God, don't leave. These are the ten ways

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna get this person back, and then despair when

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Speaker 1: you kind of accept the fact that Okay, you're not

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Speaker 1: coming back and I'm going to be lonely for the

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Speaker 1: rest of my life and you're going to sit here

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Speaker 1: and cry. And you know it was interesting is that

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Speaker 1: she posits that there might have been evolutionary reason for this.

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Speaker 1: Let's we we talked about that puppy before. If the

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Speaker 1: puppy has been separated from its mother and it gets

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Speaker 1: so depressed that it just can't move, that it's just

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Speaker 1: in this like pile on the floor whimpering that the

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Speaker 1: fact that you know this depression is set in might

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Speaker 1: be an evolutionary advantage because it keeps the puppy still

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Speaker 1: so that if the mother wants to come back and

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Speaker 1: find it, it can And uh, you know, because Fisher says,

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Speaker 1: why would our bodies put us through so much pain?

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Speaker 1: Why would this um response to this have developed if

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Speaker 1: there wasn't a reason for it. So it's possible that

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Speaker 1: you know, you're kind of conserving your energy for the

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Speaker 1: next big adventure in your life, because that is one

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Speaker 1: interesting thing that that she points out on some of

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Speaker 1: her research is that they haven't exactly pinpointed whether or

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Speaker 1: not all of these love responses, this um, this motivational

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Speaker 1: drive that we are born with is adaptive or maladaptive,

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Speaker 1: whether or not it's something that really how helps us

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Speaker 1: along the way or hurts us. But the fact that

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Speaker 1: it has persisted for so long, not only in our species,

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Speaker 1: but also to different extents and other species indicates that

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Speaker 1: there is a reason. You know, there is a method

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Speaker 1: behind all of this madness. And the one thing I

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Speaker 1: do want to say, while we're kind of pinpointing the

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Speaker 1: fact that you know, a lot of the crazy things

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Speaker 1: we do when we're dealing with breakups can be sort

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Speaker 1: of directed back to the brain. There are people who

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Speaker 1: go through legitimate bouts of depression, and again hell and

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Speaker 1: Fisher points out that this might be more of a

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Speaker 1: helpful thing than a hurtful thing, because if it's if

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Speaker 1: it gets bad enough, maybe that's what will help you

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Speaker 1: seek treatment for it. So that was another example she

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Speaker 1: gave of you know, while we're kind of saying that,

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Speaker 1: you know, the obsessive Facebook stalking or Internet stalking has

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Speaker 1: a brain you know, rationale, I guess not. Depression. Depression

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Speaker 1: never has a rationale. It should always be treated and

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Speaker 1: you should always seek treatment for something that is upsetting

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Speaker 1: you this much. And on the flip side of this, well,

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Speaker 1: you know, some people might become really just depressed and

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Speaker 1: completely heartbroken over this at some point. Other people might

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Speaker 1: just develop an intense anger towards the person who has

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Speaker 1: rejected them, are broken up with them. And Helen Fisher

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Speaker 1: points out that it makes sense that there seems to

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Speaker 1: be this fine line between love and hate, if you will,

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Speaker 1: because the primary rage system in our brain is very

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Speaker 1: close to the reward system in our prefrontal cortex. So

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Speaker 1: while we have these reward expecting neurons that are waiting

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Speaker 1: waiting around, you know, after you get rejected, waiting around

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Speaker 1: to be um fulfilled. That can also set off that

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Speaker 1: that rage system as well and send you, you know,

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Speaker 1: just going nuts sober. You know, why this person? How

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Speaker 1: dare they do this to you? Right? And she has

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Speaker 1: a line that my mother has also said. One thing

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Speaker 1: my mother did tell me was to reference the tunnel

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Speaker 1: of the podcast and that the opposite of love is

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Speaker 1: not hate in difference because when those things are so connected,

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Speaker 1: when you say, oh I hate them, that means you

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Speaker 1: still have feelings about them absolutely, and what you're going

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Speaker 1: for is some difference. But I will say whenever I

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Speaker 1: get really angry, and this goes whether it's work or

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Speaker 1: love or anything else. Uh. Two of the best breakup

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Speaker 1: coping mechanisms you'll see them recommended across the board scream

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Speaker 1: and chocolate. I was gonna say, exercise, because you're using

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Speaker 1: all that excess energy that your anger gives you. Oh,

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Speaker 1: I completely agree. I mean, like, just go running. I

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Speaker 1: have run, I have run down some breakups. I am

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Speaker 1: not a runner, but a breakup will make me run.

431
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,720
Speaker 1: And I think that you know you'll see that everywhere.

432
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,960
Speaker 1: Just taking care of yourself, you know, allowing yourself the

433
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,919
Speaker 1: ice cream and chocolate, but also taking care of yourself

434
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,880
Speaker 1: from a healthy perspective too is vital. Yeah, because there

435
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:54,320
Speaker 1: are there are plenty of ways to kind of enhance

436
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,040
Speaker 1: yourself through this. There was one tip that we saw

437
00:23:56,119 --> 00:23:59,560
Speaker 1: that said, hey, recognize the the amount of time that

438
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:02,680
Speaker 1: you know, I'll have freed up to spend on yourself

439
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,239
Speaker 1: now when you're in the pits, that's the last thing

440
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:07,359
Speaker 1: you want to hear. You don't want free time, you

441
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:10,919
Speaker 1: want time with someone else. But you know, if you

442
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:15,200
Speaker 1: if you can try to channel that space into something creative,

443
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:19,920
Speaker 1: into uh, exercising, into taking care of yourself and also

444
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,359
Speaker 1: giving yourself to space to to feel the way you feel.

445
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,240
Speaker 1: I mean, yes, I could just be more time to

446
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,960
Speaker 1: watch TV. Let's be honest. Yeah, I mean part of

447
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:30,720
Speaker 1: it is distraction. Part of it is counting back from

448
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,000
Speaker 1: seven over and over again, day by day until you

449
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,080
Speaker 1: don't think about them anymore. Because there's gonna be a

450
00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:38,879
Speaker 1: point when you wake up and you realize, oh my god,

451
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:43,120
Speaker 1: I haven't thought about so and so in a while,

452
00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:45,000
Speaker 1: And that's just that you just have to give that

453
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,760
Speaker 1: brain time to run out the clock like the end

454
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,439
Speaker 1: of a basketball game. And sometimes it takes our brain

455
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,359
Speaker 1: not so long, and other times it takes our brain

456
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:57,080
Speaker 1: months and months and months. And there's always you know,

457
00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:59,080
Speaker 1: and and with certain people there's always going to be

458
00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:03,480
Speaker 1: some kind of emotional connection. So that was our take

459
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,879
Speaker 1: on the Hell and Fisher study. And as you probably

460
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,320
Speaker 1: can tell, we love it and feel that it's completely

461
00:25:08,359 --> 00:25:10,640
Speaker 1: justified every breakup we've ever had. Well yeah, and it's

462
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,159
Speaker 1: just kind of fascinating for us. We like, we like

463
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 1: to dork out on things like this, So dork out

464
00:25:15,359 --> 00:25:19,320
Speaker 1: with us and send us your stories of love and

465
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:23,120
Speaker 1: loss if you want, um and maybe it'll help. Maybe

466
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,320
Speaker 1: if you've just been a been through a breakup, you know,

467
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:29,320
Speaker 1: just expressing that can can help start the healing process.

468
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,000
Speaker 1: So pretend you're in the MRI machine with Helen Fisher.

469
00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:34,920
Speaker 1: Let us be your MRI machine. UM Our emails mom

470
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,159
Speaker 1: Stuff at how stuff works dot com and Momily, I

471
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,679
Speaker 1: think we have time for a couple couple of stories

472
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 1: right now. Alrighty, I've got an email from Allison. It's

473
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,200
Speaker 1: about the Gorilla Girl Women in Art podcast we did.

474
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,879
Speaker 1: She writes, here's ten women artists because we issued that challenge.

475
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:59,320
Speaker 1: Kiki Smith's, Louise Bourgeois, Nancy Sparrow, Barbara Krueger, Psita abbad

476
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,560
Speaker 1: Ursa von Writings, Barred Tara Donovan, Mea Pearlman, Jane and

477
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:08,520
Speaker 1: Toni and Yolenna James, and I profusely apologize women artist.

478
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:12,920
Speaker 1: If I've butcher your name, just call it an artistic thing. Um,

479
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:16,480
Speaker 1: that's me, not Allison writing. Allison writes, I'm an elementary

480
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:18,439
Speaker 1: school art teacher, and I try very hard to expose

481
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:21,320
Speaker 1: my students to women artists, as well as other unrepresented

482
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 1: artists in the art world, like Latino and African American artists. Rembrandt,

483
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,639
Speaker 1: van Go and Money have their place, but there's so

484
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,119
Speaker 1: much more engaging and exciting work out there. I think

485
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,679
Speaker 1: it is so important to move beyond the worm canon

486
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,720
Speaker 1: where I'm being white old Richmond, and I thank you

487
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,399
Speaker 1: for this podcast. Now this is my favorite brother emails.

488
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,760
Speaker 1: She writes, Christen. It drives me crazy when people say

489
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:41,439
Speaker 1: I am not an artist and then say how they

490
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:45,439
Speaker 1: can only draw stick figures. Everyone has artistic and creative potential.

491
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 1: And remember that art is not only drawing. It is

492
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:53,320
Speaker 1: so much more, collage, photography, film, performance, painting, printmaking, mixed media, sculpture,

493
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,520
Speaker 1: found object. The list goes on and on. So everyone

494
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:59,280
Speaker 1: out there, I say, embrace your creative side. Do you

495
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:02,280
Speaker 1: know more? Stick of your excuses And thanks to Allison,

496
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,919
Speaker 1: I will soon be premiering new works by Kristen Conder

497
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:10,959
Speaker 1: multimedia stick figures that at a gallery near you. All right,

498
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:14,360
Speaker 1: I've got one here, um from our Title nine podcast,

499
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:17,280
Speaker 1: and this comes from Whitney. She says, I'm a female

500
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:19,760
Speaker 1: athlete on a men's rowing team and therefore see both

501
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,320
Speaker 1: sides of the story and theory. Title nine is an

502
00:27:22,359 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 1: excellent idea and has certainly encouraged tons of women to

503
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:28,680
Speaker 1: become involved in collegiate athletics and education. However, you mentioned

504
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:31,399
Speaker 1: that men's sports were being harmed by this policy, and

505
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,720
Speaker 1: nine point nine percent of the time it's not football.

506
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:38,399
Speaker 1: I know it's upt to school's discretion about which sports

507
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:41,000
Speaker 1: are most affected, but it's unfortunate to see programs like

508
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:45,640
Speaker 1: men's rowing struggle to stay afloat nice pun by having

509
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:49,080
Speaker 1: to pay for most everything themselves. Just on the other

510
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,880
Speaker 1: side of the boat house, women's teams have to spend

511
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,800
Speaker 1: their a lot of amounts of money by buying excessive

512
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,639
Speaker 1: amounts of equipment, dinners, team trips, and even girls who

513
00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,919
Speaker 1: join and quickly quit just to receive a scholarship. I'm

514
00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:03,240
Speaker 1: not saying this practice is sex exclusive, but this is

515
00:28:03,359 --> 00:28:06,199
Speaker 1: not equal treatment by any means. Even though I'm a female,

516
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:07,920
Speaker 1: I was not able to take advantage of any of

517
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:10,879
Speaker 1: those things, including a scholarship, just because I chose to

518
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:13,880
Speaker 1: join a men's team. Nonetheless, it's been well worth beings

519
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:16,359
Speaker 1: surrounded by the most passionate and hard working athletes in

520
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:21,080
Speaker 1: my college years. So there, you haven't send us an

521
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,240
Speaker 1: email mom stuff at how stuff works dot com or

522
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:27,280
Speaker 1: share your thoughts with so many of us on our

523
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,520
Speaker 1: Facebook page. You can find that at Facebook dot com.

524
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:34,280
Speaker 1: And then you can also follow our Twitter feed, and finally,

525
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:35,919
Speaker 1: you can check out our blog during the week. It's

526
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:38,840
Speaker 1: stuff I've Never told you, and it's at how stuff

527
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 1: works dot com. For more on this and thousands of

528
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:48,520
Speaker 1: other topics, is a how stuff works dot com. Want

529
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:51,200
Speaker 1: more how stuff works, check out our blogs on the

530
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:58,080
Speaker 1: house stuff works dot com home page. Brought to you

531
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:01,480
Speaker 1: by the reinvented two thousand twelve Emory. It's ready, are

532
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:01,600
Speaker 1: you