1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:06,080 Speaker 1: I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher 2 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: for Sam in a soft place to fall for others, 3 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:14,240 Speaker 1: and I was a miserable failure in my relationships until 4 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,919 Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my 5 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,320 Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the our spot, a 6 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: production of shondaland audio in partnership with I heart radio. 7 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 1: I always find it very curious when people call me 8 00:00:41,479 --> 00:00:45,960 Speaker 1: about their relationship and they're concerned about something that's going 9 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:49,960 Speaker 1: on in the relationship now that was going on when 10 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:55,880 Speaker 1: the relationship started. My theory, my principle, my experience has 11 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:59,400 Speaker 1: always been that if it's there at the beginning, it 12 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:03,760 Speaker 1: will as the end. So if you go into a 13 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:08,480 Speaker 1: relationship with somebody that's already in a relationship, let me 14 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: tell you something. That relationship is going in when they 15 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,560 Speaker 1: go into a relationship, while they're in relationship with you. 16 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:20,560 Speaker 1: I don't care what you want to tell yourself. If 17 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:23,640 Speaker 1: you want to know the end, look at the beginning. 18 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,360 Speaker 1: If it's out of order in the beginning, it will 19 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:31,160 Speaker 1: be out of order in the end. And I had 20 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:36,760 Speaker 1: someone call me about that exact issue. Here's that call. 21 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:42,200 Speaker 1: Get things beloved. Thank you for calling. The art spot. Now, 22 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:45,920 Speaker 1: I understand that you are a single mother of two 23 00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 1: and you are involved with a man who has a partner. 24 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:58,640 Speaker 1: Is that accurate? Ah, so what is your question? Concern? Inquiry? Problem. 25 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:05,400 Speaker 1: You've got problems. Know, you know you got problems. Right, yes, 26 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 1: but I want to hear I want to hear it 27 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:11,240 Speaker 1: out of your mouth. What's the problem? The problem is 28 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:15,760 Speaker 1: me and this person. We connect really well. We share 29 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:19,920 Speaker 1: a lot of the things, goals, desires. He pulls a 30 00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:21,840 Speaker 1: lot out of me that if we didn't have the 31 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,440 Speaker 1: relationship that we had, I don't think I'll be discovering 32 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:28,000 Speaker 1: certain things that I'm discovering about myself. I don't know 33 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:31,800 Speaker 1: whether to let it go or not because I feel 34 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 1: like our connection is strong. Can I ask you a questions? Yeah, 35 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,480 Speaker 1: you said you don't know whether to let it go 36 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:42,680 Speaker 1: or not. Yeah, is that true, that you don't know 37 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 1: whether to let it go or not? I feel like 38 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 1: I play around with the decisions at what would the 39 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:52,959 Speaker 1: play be if I let him go? Am I going 40 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 1: to be losing a friend and someone who is exposing 41 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,440 Speaker 1: me the things that bring it back to my roots 42 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:06,760 Speaker 1: and help me feel like myself? Or let the relationship 43 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:11,640 Speaker 1: go and just be alone. I don't want to be 44 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:16,119 Speaker 1: alone and I don't want to feel lonely. And it's 45 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,680 Speaker 1: not even that this person is feeling a void it. 46 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,360 Speaker 1: There are substantial things that are happening and when they 47 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:25,280 Speaker 1: have and I'm like wow, well, if this person is 48 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,919 Speaker 1: not supposed me in my life, then why did they 49 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,520 Speaker 1: just expose me to something that I felt, you know, 50 00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 1: I had put in my past, the good things that 51 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,520 Speaker 1: I'm remembering, that I put in my past things that 52 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: I didn't think that, you know, I wanted anymore. As 53 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 1: far as just my growth and my personal development. It's 54 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 1: just like, I don't know, I really don't know. Oh, 55 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:51,520 Speaker 1: you absolutely do know. I am not going to participate 56 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:55,880 Speaker 1: in that level of dishonesty with you. So let's do this. 57 00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:03,840 Speaker 1: Let's say your husband mad woman and together he introduced 58 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 1: her to things that she didn't know about herself and 59 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,000 Speaker 1: he opened her up to things from the parents that 60 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:14,360 Speaker 1: she thought weren't impossible, and he lied to you and 61 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:18,360 Speaker 1: he snuck around and he was spending time with this woman. 62 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:23,360 Speaker 1: What would you say to that woman? Not to him. Well, 63 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:27,839 Speaker 1: what would you say to that woman, this is your husband, 64 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:34,599 Speaker 1: m that he's lying to her? Uh, you see, beloved, 65 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:39,920 Speaker 1: the first responsibility you have is to yourself, to yourself 66 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:45,000 Speaker 1: as a woman. That's your first responsibility and if you 67 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 1: honor your first responsibility to yourself as a woman. But 68 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:54,760 Speaker 1: you have to consider is I am not my sister's keeper, 69 00:04:55,320 --> 00:05:00,200 Speaker 1: I am my sister. So you are sleeping with your 70 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:04,360 Speaker 1: sister's husband. I don't care if he's making new head 71 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:09,680 Speaker 1: grow under your arms. That is your sister's husband, which 72 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 1: takes you totally out of integrity period. Now you can 73 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,080 Speaker 1: tell you yourself anything you want to tell yourself, that 74 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,279 Speaker 1: he's gonna leave his wife, because I'm sure he's telling 75 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:23,480 Speaker 1: you now he's your soul mate, that you'll never find 76 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 1: another love. Bah, Bah, Bah. But you're giving him credit. Well, 77 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:32,839 Speaker 1: your power, just because he's in your life and he's 78 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,680 Speaker 1: opening me, you up to these things. Don't give him 79 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,920 Speaker 1: the credit for that. Take the credit for your willingness 80 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:42,760 Speaker 1: and readiness to be open. He's just the tool being used, 81 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:47,200 Speaker 1: and that's your sister's husband. I understand. Tell me what 82 00:05:47,279 --> 00:05:54,560 Speaker 1: you hear me say, that I entertaining it. Nope, that's 83 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,240 Speaker 1: not what I said. That's not what I said. I 84 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:02,160 Speaker 1: never mentioned the word wrong. said that there's no integrity 85 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:07,560 Speaker 1: in it. Yeah, you're out of integrity because you are 86 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:11,719 Speaker 1: sleeping with your sister's husband, and if you don't want 87 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:15,080 Speaker 1: it done to you, don't do it to your sister. Now, 88 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,840 Speaker 1: if that's not enough to convince you, let me give 89 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,560 Speaker 1: you this one. If you want to know the end, 90 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:25,480 Speaker 1: look at the beginning. I don't care how wonderful it feels. 91 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,880 Speaker 1: And if it's a year from now, five years from now, 92 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,400 Speaker 1: ten years from now, should you choose to stay in it, 93 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,240 Speaker 1: he's gonna do to you exactly what he did to her, 94 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,960 Speaker 1: because if it begins out of integrity, it's gonna end 95 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,240 Speaker 1: out of integrity, and what you do to someone else's 96 00:06:41,279 --> 00:06:46,440 Speaker 1: coming back on you. Ah, there's no two ways about it. Now, 97 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,200 Speaker 1: chances are you're gonna hear what I'm saying and you're 98 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,599 Speaker 1: not gonna give it up. So let me give you 99 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:58,120 Speaker 1: this one. He's out of integrity. He's dishonoring him stop 100 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,560 Speaker 1: because he's to be lying to his wife to be 101 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:07,440 Speaker 1: in relationship with you. Where is he telling her that 102 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:10,680 Speaker 1: he is when you all are together? Has He had 103 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,360 Speaker 1: the conversation with her about maybe something he's missing or 104 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,520 Speaker 1: something he's needing? Has He done the work to build 105 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,960 Speaker 1: his marriage before he steps out of the marriage to 106 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,840 Speaker 1: build something with you. He's out of integrity. So you 107 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,960 Speaker 1: do you as a woman who's ready to grow, ready 108 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,120 Speaker 1: to stretch, ready to step into her power, because that's 109 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,000 Speaker 1: what you're saying. He's doing for you, as a woman 110 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 1: who's ready to do that. Do you want to be 111 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:38,520 Speaker 1: with a man who don't have no integrity? Now, a 112 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 1: man who breaks his commitments, a man who betrays another 113 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,200 Speaker 1: woman's trust? Is that the kind of man you want 114 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:49,480 Speaker 1: to be with? Oh, but that's what you're doing, and 115 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:55,080 Speaker 1: you're not wrong. Here's the question to ask yourself. What 116 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 1: am I learning? What has this experience come to teach me? 117 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 1: You said three things that I heard. Number one, fear 118 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,400 Speaker 1: of being alone. You don't want to be alone. Right, 119 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,640 Speaker 1: so this experience is coming to teach you how you 120 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:18,040 Speaker 1: will compromise your integrity rather than be with yourself. M 121 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:25,280 Speaker 1: Hm HM. Number two, giving away your power. He's bringing 122 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 1: things out of me, but beloved that things are in you. 123 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,240 Speaker 1: So if they're in there, you can get them out. 124 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:39,640 Speaker 1: You gave him somebody else credit. And here's the big one. 125 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 1: You're ready watch your pearls. Okay, you got your pearls clutched, 126 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,760 Speaker 1: expecting somebody to do for you what you need to 127 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:57,880 Speaker 1: do for yourself. You need to make yourself feel good, 128 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,240 Speaker 1: you need to be able to be your own company, 129 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,840 Speaker 1: you need to be able to tap into and bring 130 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:07,680 Speaker 1: forth your own power. You need to be able to 131 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: honor your own values, and you're expecting him to do 132 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:18,839 Speaker 1: that for you, or somebody. Your responsibility, not his. Hey, 133 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,920 Speaker 1: it's just it's hard for me to do that. I 134 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:29,400 Speaker 1: get overwhelmed. Yeah, well, we all do. We all do. 135 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: So chances are you gonna hear all of this and 136 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,280 Speaker 1: you're gonna stay with him mentally breaks your heart. So 137 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,040 Speaker 1: I'm just setting you up and letting you know what 138 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:40,920 Speaker 1: you can expect, because this man doesn't have any integrity, 139 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 1: and that doesn't make him a bad person, because he's 140 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,600 Speaker 1: not calling me, you are. So this is your lesson, 141 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:58,760 Speaker 1: not his. Oh Man, so here's another possibility. Okay, maybe 142 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:02,840 Speaker 1: he was just to play date. If you don't have 143 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 1: to be forever. Right, he was a play day, but 144 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,640 Speaker 1: now that you realize you're sleeping with your sister's husband, 145 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:16,480 Speaker 1: violating your own integrity, compromising your own heart and putting 146 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:19,160 Speaker 1: yourself at risk, maybe you want to consider getting up 147 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 1: out of that? Yeah, maybe not, could be, who knows? But, 148 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:32,560 Speaker 1: like you said, I have to make myself feel good. Oh, 149 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,760 Speaker 1: I'm just afraid of it. Yeah, is it that you're 150 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,080 Speaker 1: afraid of it, or is it that you think you 151 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:42,360 Speaker 1: don't know how to do it? I think that he's 152 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:48,720 Speaker 1: accomplished and he's in the arts and because of that 153 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,520 Speaker 1: I'm drawn to him and he's out of integrity and 154 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,400 Speaker 1: he's portraying another woman's trust and we don't know what 155 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:58,200 Speaker 1: he's used in you for. And if he did it 156 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,040 Speaker 1: to her baby, he's going to do it to you. 157 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,960 Speaker 1: I'm telling you. Ask me how I now ask me 158 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,640 Speaker 1: how I know. Go ahead, ask me how I know. 159 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:15,720 Speaker 1: How do you know? It's none of your business. None 160 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 1: of Your Business. That's okay, but I know it's a test. 161 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,280 Speaker 1: It is, it is. I know that you can have 162 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,200 Speaker 1: what you want. You don't have to accept part of it. 163 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:40,880 Speaker 1: You can have it all, you can have it at all. Oh, 164 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 1: that's that's the part where I'm like, I get scared 165 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: that the old is not going to come and I 166 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:51,439 Speaker 1: see it in that person. And No, you don't. What 167 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:54,440 Speaker 1: you see in that person is what's possible for you. 168 00:11:56,400 --> 00:12:00,240 Speaker 1: What you see in that person. It's what's possible for 169 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:03,280 Speaker 1: you and it can be clean and it can be 170 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 1: an integrity and it can be responsible. You can have 171 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:11,240 Speaker 1: it all, but if you believe that you can't, then 172 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:13,720 Speaker 1: you'll settle for chromes when you could have the whole cake. 173 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,880 Speaker 1: So just sit with that. What I want somebody to 174 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,840 Speaker 1: do this to me. I am not my sister's keeper, 175 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,720 Speaker 1: I am my sister and I don't know what kind 176 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,840 Speaker 1: of Man will do this to my sister. So let 177 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,920 Speaker 1: me get out of this before he does it to me. 178 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,319 Speaker 1: And it's gonna take you a minute to get out, 179 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,040 Speaker 1: unless you hit him with the integrity and you say 180 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,680 Speaker 1: to him, you know what, I realized, my love, you 181 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,960 Speaker 1: are out of integrity and you are violating another woman 182 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:48,880 Speaker 1: and I don't choose to participate. Mm Hmm, I think 183 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:52,400 Speaker 1: I can see that. Yeah, but then he's gonna call 184 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,960 Speaker 1: and he's gonna Chase and he's gonna pray and he's 185 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,079 Speaker 1: gonna do that. And tell him when he calls your 186 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 1: wife and he has the legal separation papers that's been 187 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:05,240 Speaker 1: certified by the court, he can give you a call exactly. 188 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:13,400 Speaker 1: Thank you. So here's your assignment. Make a list of 189 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,360 Speaker 1: all of the things that you think you've gotten from him, 190 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,480 Speaker 1: all of the things that he's opened you up to, 191 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,199 Speaker 1: all of the things that you think are there as 192 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,960 Speaker 1: a result of him. Make a list of those things 193 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:27,600 Speaker 1: and then get busy looking at how can I do 194 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:33,120 Speaker 1: this for myself within myself? It's just that simple. Okay, okay, 195 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,560 Speaker 1: give me a calling about six weeks and let me 196 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,319 Speaker 1: know how you're doing. All Right, I'll call you a 197 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:42,600 Speaker 1: sick thank you alright, by love, bye, bye, bye. We'll 198 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,120 Speaker 1: be right back with another caller who says she is 199 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:56,680 Speaker 1: constantly meeting the wrong man. Welcome back to be our spot. 200 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,560 Speaker 1: Let me ask you. Have you ever have been put 201 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:05,080 Speaker 1: in the friend zone by someone you really like, someone 202 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,720 Speaker 1: that you really got the hots for, somebody that you're 203 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:12,000 Speaker 1: really really hoping is the one, and just when you 204 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 1: think things are going along great, they tell you they 205 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,400 Speaker 1: just want to be your friend? Has that ever happened 206 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,200 Speaker 1: to you? And when that happens to you, what do 207 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:25,680 Speaker 1: you tell yourself? Do you feel rejected, do you feel abandoned? 208 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:29,200 Speaker 1: Do you feel hopeless, helpless that you now got to 209 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,920 Speaker 1: be in the friend zone? But there are those times 210 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,720 Speaker 1: when you were always in the friend zone. You just 211 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:41,440 Speaker 1: didn't know it because you wanted more. And actually it's 212 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:45,400 Speaker 1: a blessing when the person is honest enough to tell you, 213 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,680 Speaker 1: I'm gonna put you in the friend zone. I just 214 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:50,680 Speaker 1: want to be friends. It's easier for them to do 215 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,320 Speaker 1: that than to just walk away and not say anything 216 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:58,200 Speaker 1: to you. But I've got a woman who consistently finds 217 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:02,680 Speaker 1: herself in the friend zone and she feels that she's 218 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:10,280 Speaker 1: been rejected. I have a totally different perspective. Greetings, beloved, 219 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,960 Speaker 1: welcome to the our spot where we talk about all 220 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: things relationships. So how can I support you today? What's 221 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:19,320 Speaker 1: your problem? Is Your question? Breakdown so we can have 222 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:23,480 Speaker 1: a breakthrough. Amazing. Well, first I want to say how 223 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:26,240 Speaker 1: much of an honor it is to eat and speak 224 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:30,680 Speaker 1: to you. I feel like I'm speaking to some amazing 225 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:35,480 Speaker 1: presence and I'm just very grateful. Oh well, I'm thankful 226 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,840 Speaker 1: and grateful you call. Thank you so much. My question 227 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:46,560 Speaker 1: or dilemma is me going through the process of rejection 228 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,720 Speaker 1: and how to overcome it. In regards to love, it 229 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,560 Speaker 1: very much seems like love isn't in the cards for me. 230 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:59,800 Speaker 1: I keep finding myself being put into the front zone 231 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 1: and it is quite disheartening when you look at everyone 232 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,200 Speaker 1: around you and love or love seems easy for everyone else, 233 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:12,880 Speaker 1: but for you it's quite a feat. So just trying 234 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:16,360 Speaker 1: to figure out how to handle that, and any advice 235 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,400 Speaker 1: you could give me would be amazing. So you said 236 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:26,480 Speaker 1: when you look around and love seems quite easy for 237 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,920 Speaker 1: everyone else. Are you saying when I look around? Yes, 238 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,960 Speaker 1: when I look around? Yes, okay, because I want you 239 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:37,840 Speaker 1: to own your experience. When you externalize it, then you're 240 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:40,720 Speaker 1: not really owning it and then all the feelings attached 241 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:44,920 Speaker 1: to it don't necessarily come up. Does that make sense? Yes, ma'am, 242 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:50,400 Speaker 1: it does. Okay, so I love that you said my dilemma. 243 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:56,400 Speaker 1: I love that word dilemma, but I don't hear what 244 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 1: your dilemma is. What is your dilemma that love looks 245 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:03,440 Speaker 1: easy for everybody else and it ain't easy for you? Yes, ma'am, 246 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:07,359 Speaker 1: very much so. I very much feel like I put 247 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:12,480 Speaker 1: myself out there and I only get the rejection of 248 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 1: you know you're an amazing person and you're great, but 249 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,560 Speaker 1: you're just not for me. Or I get the run 250 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:21,440 Speaker 1: around of you know, they'll dip their toe in and 251 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:25,000 Speaker 1: check the temperature, but not really wanting to commit, and 252 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:29,840 Speaker 1: I've been thinking now for a little over seven years and, 253 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:35,440 Speaker 1: you know, dating through it, but not having found my person. 254 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,359 Speaker 1: You get to a point where you begin to question, 255 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:42,240 Speaker 1: is it me? There's something wrong with me, and that's 256 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:46,760 Speaker 1: where I am. I'm questioning the validity of me. Well, 257 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 1: why does it have to be something wrong with you, 258 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,600 Speaker 1: as opposed to maybe your frequency is low, so you 259 00:17:54,680 --> 00:18:00,320 Speaker 1: are attracting what you expect. Could you always yet what 260 00:18:00,359 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 1: you expect? You don't get what you ask for. So 261 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:08,920 Speaker 1: when they stick their toe in, I wonder if your 262 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:13,119 Speaker 1: first question to yourself, or someplace deep within the pity 263 00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:16,800 Speaker 1: of your soul, is okay, are they're gonna reject me too? Yeah, 264 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:23,919 Speaker 1: H Yeah, and how many times do you say what's 265 00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:28,840 Speaker 1: wrong with me, that I can't do what other people 266 00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:32,680 Speaker 1: are doing or get what other people have? What's wrong 267 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:38,080 Speaker 1: with me? How many times you think that thought? Pretty often. Oh, 268 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:42,720 Speaker 1: so you are getting exactly what you expect. Look how 269 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:48,760 Speaker 1: powerful you are. Yeah, M Hmmm. So let me ask you. 270 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,640 Speaker 1: Let's just go there. Okay, you want to go there. 271 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,520 Speaker 1: You know in the Matrix they say you want the 272 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:56,240 Speaker 1: red pillar or the blue pill. Which one you want? 273 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:00,240 Speaker 1: I want the pillar that's going to reveal the truth 274 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,399 Speaker 1: of what it is I need to know so I 275 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:07,480 Speaker 1: can change these habits. That's the pill I want. All Right, 276 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,360 Speaker 1: so let me ask you this. What's wrong with you? 277 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:18,480 Speaker 1: I believe that I have become jaded because I have 278 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:22,440 Speaker 1: been rejected so many times and been hurt and heartbroken 279 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:27,080 Speaker 1: so many times that I've become jaded each rejection. You know, 280 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,120 Speaker 1: I build a wall and it seems as if when 281 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:33,440 Speaker 1: I let that wall down just a little bit, boom, 282 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:39,000 Speaker 1: here goes another rejection, and so it's very much like 283 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:45,440 Speaker 1: fort knock around my heart because the rejection and because 284 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:50,200 Speaker 1: of the me being jaded. But I don't know how 285 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,080 Speaker 1: else to be because I guess in a way I 286 00:19:53,119 --> 00:20:01,040 Speaker 1: am protecting myself but still wanting live. M M, contradiction. Yeah, 287 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:05,280 Speaker 1: so how do you reject you? How do you reject you? 288 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:11,879 Speaker 1: I think I reject me when I'm not fully honest 289 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:19,840 Speaker 1: with what I want. Ah, yeah, good for you. So 290 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,440 Speaker 1: the dilemma is, how come I can't be honest with 291 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,520 Speaker 1: myself about what I really want? Yeah, and how do 292 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:34,240 Speaker 1: you hurt you? I think I hurt me when I 293 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:40,720 Speaker 1: shut down. The only way I know to get back 294 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:44,320 Speaker 1: to myself is to kind of shut down where I 295 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,240 Speaker 1: kind of close everything off to try to figure out 296 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:52,000 Speaker 1: what's happening, and I feel like sometimes when others are 297 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,479 Speaker 1: happy and things are great for them and I'm not 298 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,680 Speaker 1: in that place, I don't want to give off that energy. 299 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:03,280 Speaker 1: So I think that when I become reclusive like I 300 00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:07,280 Speaker 1: have been, I dishonor myself and those around me, but 301 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:10,200 Speaker 1: I don't know another way to be or what else 302 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:14,560 Speaker 1: to do. M Hmm, it sounds to me like you 303 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:22,240 Speaker 1: have a heart condition, that you're trying to attract a open, honest, 304 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:26,760 Speaker 1: loving connection to someone, but you've got armor on your 305 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:31,840 Speaker 1: heart so they can't really feel your heart. So they 306 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:37,240 Speaker 1: wonder if this is real or if this is safe, 307 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:41,919 Speaker 1: because you can't love with your head. Yeah, you have 308 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:45,399 Speaker 1: to love with your heart. And if you're afraid to 309 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,360 Speaker 1: open it, if you're afraid to be vulnerable and if 310 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:52,479 Speaker 1: you have expectations, you because you don't get what you 311 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:57,000 Speaker 1: ask for, you get what you expect and you're expecting 312 00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:01,320 Speaker 1: to be heard, expecting to be rejected, expecting to be abandoned. 313 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,119 Speaker 1: I know you're not doing it consciously, but holding the thoughts, 314 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:07,520 Speaker 1: if you're a powerful person, and it sounds like you are, 315 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:10,080 Speaker 1: because you're creating so much of what you don't want 316 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:14,000 Speaker 1: and then you're trying to figure it out. That's a 317 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:17,199 Speaker 1: head activity. You've got a heart condition and you know 318 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:23,879 Speaker 1: what your heart condition is. Okay, you got a pencil. Okay, 319 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:34,640 Speaker 1: write this down. T are you as T. that's your 320 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:40,280 Speaker 1: hard condition. You are not trusting that, no matter what 321 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,920 Speaker 1: shows up or who shows up, you're gonna be okay, 322 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,879 Speaker 1: m you're not trusting that you can open your heart 323 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,359 Speaker 1: and that, no matter who shows up or what shows up, 324 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:55,800 Speaker 1: you're gonna be okay. You're not trusting yourself to make 325 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 1: the right decisions because you've made what you consider wrong 326 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:04,480 Speaker 1: decisions before. You're not trusting yourself because you've given more 327 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:08,040 Speaker 1: than you received and you've offered more than you've got 328 00:23:08,119 --> 00:23:12,680 Speaker 1: in return. Yeah, does that sound accurate for you? It 329 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:16,760 Speaker 1: sounds very accurate. Yeah, you can't love without trust. Baby, 330 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:30,720 Speaker 1: after this break, trust is on the menu. Welcome back 331 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:34,800 Speaker 1: to the our spot. Let's continue our conversation on finding 332 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 1: the right type of love, and let's begin with trust. So, 333 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:44,280 Speaker 1: have you ever read my book on Trust? I actually have. Yes, well, 334 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:49,639 Speaker 1: you need to go back through it. Because it sounds 335 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:52,480 Speaker 1: to me like you're in the meantime. Sounds like me 336 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:55,000 Speaker 1: like you've got a problem but you don't know what 337 00:23:55,119 --> 00:24:00,560 Speaker 1: the problem is. So you're in the basement. You try 338 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,520 Speaker 1: to get to the second floor, but you're in the basement. Yeah, 339 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:08,560 Speaker 1: I am in the problem with this hard condition, this trust, 340 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:13,040 Speaker 1: and you know in the phone call, I can't tell 341 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,600 Speaker 1: you what the origins of that is. I have a 342 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:19,960 Speaker 1: sneaky suspicion and I'm willing to be wrong about it. 343 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:23,879 Speaker 1: Two things that come up for me. One is that 344 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:27,639 Speaker 1: you stayed too long in a situation, hoping that it 345 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:31,280 Speaker 1: would change and it didn't. You gave, you gave, you 346 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,720 Speaker 1: waited to a patient, you gave, you gave, you gave, 347 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:38,600 Speaker 1: hoping the situation would change and it didn't. Does that 348 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:44,400 Speaker 1: sound familiar? Sounds pretty spot on. Oh, so you're gonna 349 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:48,040 Speaker 1: punish yourself for being stupid and making that mistake? I 350 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:53,240 Speaker 1: will definitely say I questioned my own decisions, you know, 351 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:57,840 Speaker 1: to your point, I do do that and I feel 352 00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:00,760 Speaker 1: like I punished myself. I question, did I do this, 353 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:04,359 Speaker 1: or why didn't I say that, hoping that the outcome 354 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:09,720 Speaker 1: would have been different. Well, if you're emotionally dishonest with yourself, 355 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:14,000 Speaker 1: you're gonna attract emotionally dishonest people. And the other thing 356 00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:16,639 Speaker 1: is this. And please forgive me, let me ask for 357 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:19,119 Speaker 1: your forgiveness up front, because I don't know any of 358 00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:21,560 Speaker 1: this to be true. I don't know you from a 359 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:27,160 Speaker 1: can of paint. I'm just sharing with you what comes across. Okay, 360 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:32,080 Speaker 1: and it's almost like a desperation. This's gotta be it, 361 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:34,240 Speaker 1: this gotta be the one. That's gotta be it's gotta 362 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,720 Speaker 1: be you. It's gotta be you. It's gotta be you. 363 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:41,080 Speaker 1: You know when you'll make you clinging and needy. Consider this. 364 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:45,160 Speaker 1: Everyone don't have to be the one. Some of them 365 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,040 Speaker 1: are just passing by for a breather, but you want 366 00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:51,240 Speaker 1: everyone to be the one. It's like you're playing Bingo. 367 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:58,719 Speaker 1: You want that I can get bigger. What's interesting is 368 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:02,160 Speaker 1: you're not the first person to say that. I don't 369 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:06,320 Speaker 1: feel desperate and I don't feel like I'm giving off desperation, 370 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,960 Speaker 1: and maybe I am, maybe I am I don't know you. 371 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,560 Speaker 1: I can't even see you, and I'm picking it up 372 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,600 Speaker 1: because it's like you want it so bad. Now you 373 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:21,320 Speaker 1: can call in the one, but you can't call it 374 00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:24,560 Speaker 1: in with a sense of desperation that it's gonna give 375 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:28,879 Speaker 1: you something that you don't have. See, long time ago 376 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,960 Speaker 1: I created this. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, or maybe 377 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,760 Speaker 1: it's uh, I don't know what to call it, but 378 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,320 Speaker 1: my thing has always been what you don't want to 379 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:47,119 Speaker 1: be with me, something must be wrong with you. By 380 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:51,200 Speaker 1: if you don't want to be with me, something must 381 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,680 Speaker 1: be wrong with you, and I'm not gonna let myself 382 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:59,080 Speaker 1: want you by next yeah, because I trust that what 383 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:02,520 Speaker 1: God has for me, it is for me and I'm 384 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,760 Speaker 1: willing to let God bring it, not that I've got 385 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:10,000 Speaker 1: to go desperately searching for it, because it's mine and 386 00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:13,680 Speaker 1: it already exists, and if I gotta kiss a few 387 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,760 Speaker 1: frogs before I meet the Prince, then damn it, I'm 388 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:21,600 Speaker 1: willing to kiss a frog. Yeah, I feel like I've 389 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:25,679 Speaker 1: I've kissed more than I like. But now you you 390 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:28,160 Speaker 1: were licking the frog and holding on to its feet, 391 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:35,920 Speaker 1: just kissing and let it go. Oh, it's my frog. 392 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:39,520 Speaker 1: Come on, frog, turn into a prince. Turn into a prince, FROG, 393 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:47,359 Speaker 1: turn into a prince. Oh, but aren't you glad you 394 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:51,439 Speaker 1: can laugh at yourself? Trust, baby, trust. I'm on it. 395 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,520 Speaker 1: Go back and retrust again and particularly pay attention to 396 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:59,720 Speaker 1: trust in yourself and trust God. If you get those 397 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:02,680 Speaker 1: two things right, then you'll be able to trust other 398 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,680 Speaker 1: people and trust the process. But don't think that you're 399 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:10,320 Speaker 1: going into love for somebody to bring you something you 400 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:15,200 Speaker 1: don't already have. You're going into loving relationship to share 401 00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:19,639 Speaker 1: the truth of who you are. M They're just bringing 402 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:23,520 Speaker 1: the dessert to the table. You are the full course meal. 403 00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:29,960 Speaker 1: Stop Cheating yourself like a snack couple. Yeah, what, you 404 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:32,760 Speaker 1: don't want to be with me, something must be desperately 405 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,160 Speaker 1: wrong with you by take yourself on up out of here. 406 00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:38,160 Speaker 1: I like that. I've never thought about it in that 407 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:41,200 Speaker 1: in that way before. Well, I'm from Brooklyn's were a 408 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:47,960 Speaker 1: little Sassy. I'm where are you from? I'm in Ohio. 409 00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,920 Speaker 1: There is no SASS in Ohio. Don't tell me that. 410 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:54,640 Speaker 1: There ain't no SASS in Ohio, even if midwesterns are 411 00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:59,000 Speaker 1: very sassy. I think that's what's frustrating to because I 412 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:00,920 Speaker 1: know who I am. They know what I have to 413 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:04,920 Speaker 1: offer and what they don't want that. They don't want that, baby. 414 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:07,720 Speaker 1: They want your heart. They don't want who you are. 415 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 1: And what you have to offer and what you're willing 416 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:13,600 Speaker 1: to do. They want your heart, and the heartest simple, 417 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:18,120 Speaker 1: the heartest open, the hardest soft, the hardest gentle stop 418 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:20,800 Speaker 1: trying to prove your value and worth. They don't want 419 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:24,440 Speaker 1: all of that. Somebody coming in for love. They want 420 00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:27,160 Speaker 1: you to rub their feet and eat popcorn with them, 421 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,760 Speaker 1: tell them when they got letters stuck between their teeth. 422 00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:34,080 Speaker 1: They don't want all of that. Keep it simple, stop 423 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:37,240 Speaker 1: trying to prove your value and your worth. Get back 424 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:41,120 Speaker 1: in the trust and see what you discover. I will okay, 425 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:44,760 Speaker 1: it's gonna be all right. It will okay, let me 426 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:46,959 Speaker 1: know how you make out, but there ain't no SASS 427 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:50,840 Speaker 1: in the high not unless you're coming from Cleveland by 428 00:29:53,720 --> 00:30:01,560 Speaker 1: thank you, okay, keep bye. Bye. Both of my callers 429 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:06,920 Speaker 1: today are struggling with two very different aspects of finding 430 00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:10,840 Speaker 1: the right one, and it all comes down to the 431 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:16,880 Speaker 1: same core issue. Trust yourself, trust in yourself and, above 432 00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:22,280 Speaker 1: all else, trust your heart. It's not uncommon for people 433 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,880 Speaker 1: to look up one day and finally realize a problem 434 00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:30,560 Speaker 1: that has always existed. Whether you're unsure if you should 435 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:33,200 Speaker 1: be with a married man or if you're feeling like 436 00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:38,320 Speaker 1: you're constantly searching for the one trust that you know 437 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:42,800 Speaker 1: and will know what's right for you. And if you've 438 00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:49,120 Speaker 1: got a relationship problem, issue, dilemma, challenge or relationship victory, 439 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:51,760 Speaker 1: be sure to look out for the arts spot calling 440 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:55,280 Speaker 1: times on social media and you can join me live 441 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:59,840 Speaker 1: right here. In the meantime, remember to stay in peace 442 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:09,280 Speaker 1: and not pieces. The R spot is a production of 443 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:13,960 Speaker 1: shondaland audio in partnership with I heart radio. For more 444 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:18,280 Speaker 1: podcasts from shondaland audio, visit the I heart radio APP, 445 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:22,440 Speaker 1: apple podcast or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.