WEBVTT - MISlabeled (Part 1) 0:00:08.600 --> 0:00:15.600 Misspelling with Tori Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast. I refer to 0:00:15.640 --> 0:00:17.800 myself as a hoarder all the time. I would love 0:00:17.840 --> 0:00:21.840 to redefine that word. I'm going into my next chapter 0:00:22.360 --> 0:00:25.400 redefining a lot of words that people have a specific 0:00:25.400 --> 0:00:29.440 connotation with or a definition. And even though I call 0:00:29.520 --> 0:00:32.240 myself a hoarder, I don't know if I'm technically a hoarder. 0:00:33.080 --> 0:00:35.600 But what is a better way of describing that word 0:00:35.800 --> 0:00:37.000 than most people might think? 0:00:37.960 --> 0:00:40.559 Yeah? And you know, it's interesting because immediately when you 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:42.920 said that, it made me think of my book when 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:46.839 we were coming up with titles and they wanted that 0:00:46.880 --> 0:00:50.520 word hoarder in the title, and I'm like, I don't know, Oh, 0:00:50.560 --> 0:00:53.720 I'm not totally comfortable with that, because the book is 0:00:53.920 --> 0:00:59.120 not about people who are in extreme situations. My book 0:00:59.240 --> 0:01:01.800 was about how being people who are struggling with clutter 0:01:02.840 --> 0:01:06.000 at all different degrees, right, And so so many people 0:01:06.040 --> 0:01:08.640 will say, yes, I'm a hoarder and they're really comfortable 0:01:08.680 --> 0:01:11.319 with that, and other people will say, like, I feel 0:01:11.360 --> 0:01:13.720 like that's a term that's defining who I am as 0:01:13.760 --> 0:01:19.839 a person. And so I believe, like anything that whether 0:01:19.880 --> 0:01:23.800 you have a cold to the flu, to pneumonia. Right, 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:26.679 there are things that are on a continuum, and so 0:01:27.240 --> 0:01:32.520 there's people that struggle with clutter. There's people that struggle 0:01:32.600 --> 0:01:36.000 with clutter and it's starting to kind of go into 0:01:36.040 --> 0:01:38.199 their house. You know, they can't sit on the couch, 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:43.360 the laundry's there, you know, maybe there's dishes in the sink. 0:01:43.520 --> 0:01:45.240 It's hard to kind of make meals. And then it 0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:48.480 kind of increases to the point where you've probably seen 0:01:48.640 --> 0:01:53.040 extreme situations on Hoarders where we have teeny tiny pass 0:01:53.080 --> 0:01:56.760 and we're going, you know, crawling up, walking through that 0:01:56.840 --> 0:02:00.080 kind of thing. So it's on a continuum, right, So 0:02:00.200 --> 0:02:03.520 there's people that can say I struggle with clutter, and 0:02:03.760 --> 0:02:08.799 you know, I feel like I'm getting into some hoarding behaviors, 0:02:09.720 --> 0:02:15.440 meaning that I'm starting to acquire more that I'm comfortable 0:02:15.480 --> 0:02:19.720 with and I'm struggling letting go or toy I kind 0:02:19.720 --> 0:02:22.520 of call it from the beginning on the front end 0:02:22.560 --> 0:02:25.600 of the back end. So maybe someone isn't actually like 0:02:25.680 --> 0:02:29.959 going out and purchasing, but whatever's coming in they're having 0:02:30.000 --> 0:02:32.680 a hard time letting go of. So maybe they're ordering 0:02:33.760 --> 0:02:36.640 the ghost stuff, right, maybe they're ordering to go stuff 0:02:36.680 --> 0:02:41.280 and they think oh my gosh, I can use this tray, 0:02:40.800 --> 0:02:44.960 this container for something else. I can put stuff in it, 0:02:45.040 --> 0:02:48.400 I can reuse it, that kind of thing. But also 0:02:49.240 --> 0:02:53.880 letting go of stuff from the past. So how often 0:02:54.280 --> 0:02:58.399 do we have clothing from genes from ten years ago, 0:02:58.440 --> 0:03:00.880 twenty years ago, and we think, oh, oh my gosh, 0:03:01.320 --> 0:03:02.919 I'm going to lose weight, or I'm going to fit 0:03:02.960 --> 0:03:04.440 into these, I'm going to work out, I'm going to 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:06.400 do this. But you can't let go, and so the 0:03:06.440 --> 0:03:10.160 closet starts filling up. So, Tori, when it becomes a 0:03:10.240 --> 0:03:14.560 problem without giving it a label as saying I'm a hoarder, right, 0:03:15.320 --> 0:03:22.280 you know, it's when those items that clutter is interfearing 0:03:22.760 --> 0:03:28.600 with one's life and the life of the around them. Okay, 0:03:29.320 --> 0:03:32.840 so no one is saying that. You know, at the 0:03:32.919 --> 0:03:34.560 end of the meal, you need to do the dishes. 0:03:34.880 --> 0:03:37.280 You know every day you need to do your laundry, 0:03:37.280 --> 0:03:39.800 every day, you need to make your bet. The key 0:03:39.880 --> 0:03:45.200 that we're looking at is is the stuff interfering with 0:03:45.360 --> 0:03:50.520 your personal wellbeing and the personal wellbeing of those around you, 0:03:50.640 --> 0:03:55.160 those that live with you, And are you also inhibiting 0:03:55.280 --> 0:03:59.080 people from coming over to your home or your work 0:03:59.360 --> 0:04:05.120 or your transportation or whatever. That is where you are 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:10.200 not feeling comfortable because either you're worried about judgment, you're 0:04:10.240 --> 0:04:13.000 worried about what they're going to say, you're tired of 0:04:13.040 --> 0:04:17.120 the conversations and the arguments, or like they can't come 0:04:17.160 --> 0:04:19.000 over because there's no place for them to have a 0:04:19.040 --> 0:04:22.480 meal or to sit. And I would also say something 0:04:22.560 --> 0:04:26.520 important to consider is are those around you expressing concern 0:04:27.160 --> 0:04:30.760 about the amount of stuff with any condition that someone's 0:04:30.760 --> 0:04:32.800 struggling with. You have to kind of pull in the 0:04:32.839 --> 0:04:35.479 information and to say, let me look at all these 0:04:35.520 --> 0:04:39.880 different factors and then let me let me see where 0:04:39.880 --> 0:04:42.400 this is at. But at the end of the day, Toy, 0:04:43.160 --> 0:04:45.600 you know, at fifty nine, I can't believe I say that, 0:04:45.680 --> 0:04:49.279 Like that's so hard for me. But at fifty nine, right, 0:04:49.800 --> 0:04:53.080 I want to live the best value driven life that 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:57.320 I can. And you know that's Tessa that we started 0:04:57.320 --> 0:04:59.640 with and taking care of her and loving her and 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:02.479 giving her a good home and having the time to 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:07.680 provide for her, you know, being able to celebrate the holidays, 0:05:07.800 --> 0:05:12.400 have family over, or you know, just be comfortable in 0:05:12.440 --> 0:05:18.919 my environment. But when that stuff begins to kind of 0:05:18.920 --> 0:05:23.040 bleed in that for me is when there is something 0:05:23.120 --> 0:05:24.560 for someone to look at. 0:05:25.080 --> 0:05:27.600 Got it. Oh my gosh, I have so much to 0:05:27.640 --> 0:05:29.760 say to you right now, I don't know where to start. 0:05:29.839 --> 0:05:30.680 We got time. 0:05:32.760 --> 0:05:38.120 So for me personally, I feel like it's twofold here 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:42.120 because for a long time I accumulate a lot of 0:05:42.160 --> 0:05:47.000 stuff and this is my whole life. It's been a big, full, 0:05:47.279 --> 0:05:52.320 amazing life so far. And I used to have a 0:05:52.440 --> 0:05:55.520 really hard time letting go of things that I placed 0:05:55.560 --> 0:05:59.000 emotional value on. And I grew up in a house 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:03.320 everything very organized, tidy, a lot of stuff. But I 0:06:03.320 --> 0:06:07.480 also grew up in a house that my family, you know, 0:06:07.720 --> 0:06:13.080 we had a huge, wealthy upbringing, and there was room 0:06:13.320 --> 0:06:18.800 for stuff accumulated. And I grew up seeing my parents 0:06:18.839 --> 0:06:22.880 would have, you know, huge storage units and they were 0:06:22.920 --> 0:06:28.480 always cataloged, and but I was kind of like, oh, okay, 0:06:28.480 --> 0:06:30.520 it's okay to have a lot of stuff come in 0:06:30.600 --> 0:06:32.400 as long as you have a place to put it. 0:06:32.839 --> 0:06:35.080 So I think when I moved out on my own 0:06:35.440 --> 0:06:39.279 at almost nineteen, I it's kind of what you know, 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:42.800 So I immediately was like, oh, I need to get 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:45.640 a storage unit. And all of the Christmas decorations go 0:06:45.760 --> 0:06:47.919 there and it's okay that you know, all the clothes 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:49.160 I wear on nine o two and oho, I'm not 0:06:49.200 --> 0:06:52.880 getting rid of them. They're going into a storage unit, which, 0:06:53.480 --> 0:06:57.719 you know, just kept going and going, and then I 0:06:57.760 --> 0:07:03.000 got married, they had five kids. It just kept going 0:07:03.080 --> 0:07:06.599 to the point where I had vast amounts of storage 0:07:06.680 --> 0:07:10.920 units that then didn't really work with my lifestyle anymore, 0:07:10.960 --> 0:07:16.080 and upkeeping that and financially maintaining that. But I didn't 0:07:16.160 --> 0:07:18.800 let go of it because I was just going and going. 0:07:27.720 --> 0:07:32.880 So eventually I got to the place where I remember 0:07:32.920 --> 0:07:38.600 having a conversation with my ex saying to him he 0:07:38.640 --> 0:07:41.840 would always say, we should get rid of stuff. You should, 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:46.680 you know, clean out stuff. In fact, when we first met, 0:07:47.520 --> 0:07:50.760 I had a home that I was renting and before 0:07:50.840 --> 0:07:53.520 we had kids, obviously, and I had one room that 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:55.600 I had turned into just a closet because I had 0:07:55.680 --> 0:07:59.680 so much suck. And I remember him saying like, you know, 0:07:59.720 --> 0:08:01.600 the thing is like, if you haven't worn in a year, 0:08:01.600 --> 0:08:04.080 you should get rid of it. And I was just like, okay, 0:08:04.120 --> 0:08:05.800 this is I drew a hard line there. I'm like, 0:08:05.800 --> 0:08:09.320 when it comes to fashion, I'm not just a believer. 0:08:09.560 --> 0:08:13.240 I know everything comes back and I was like, I'm 0:08:13.240 --> 0:08:16.240 not willing to negotiate on that. So we did have 0:08:16.280 --> 0:08:19.840 this like massive estate sale. When we first got married, 0:08:19.840 --> 0:08:23.720 I was pregnant with my first baby, and we let 0:08:23.760 --> 0:08:28.320 a lot of stuff go. The clothing, though, I'm really 0:08:28.360 --> 0:08:30.800 glad I hung onto it. And I remember him saying like, 0:08:30.840 --> 0:08:32.760 I've never even seen you in a blazer. I'm like, 0:08:32.840 --> 0:08:36.440 that's Chanel and I'm like it's vintage, and I was like, 0:08:37.040 --> 0:08:39.760 but those are things you hold on too, I would say, 0:08:40.280 --> 0:08:43.040 But I do have to say that my sixteen year 0:08:43.080 --> 0:08:45.480 old is really happy that I kept a lot of 0:08:45.520 --> 0:08:49.160 that clothing because it all came back in, like, you know, 0:08:49.360 --> 0:08:52.160 ed hardy and juicy cature. And she's like, you have 0:08:52.240 --> 0:08:55.560 the og like sweatsuits and the og jeans And I 0:08:55.600 --> 0:08:58.679 was like, yes, because I knew they would eventually come 0:08:58.720 --> 0:09:01.280 back in. But I'm not saying there's not a part 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:03.360 of me that just wasn't willing to let that go. 0:09:04.160 --> 0:09:05.959 But for fashion's sake, I'm going to say that I 0:09:06.040 --> 0:09:10.559 knew it would come back in. But then after we 0:09:10.720 --> 0:09:14.240 started having more kids, we obviously it's like you're saying, 0:09:14.360 --> 0:09:18.160 accumulated more stuff. It wasn't always buying stuff. It was 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:20.880 just things coming in and I remember, sorry, going back 0:09:20.880 --> 0:09:23.640 to the conversation that I said to him at one 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:26.199 point after we had had our fourth baby and kind 0:09:26.200 --> 0:09:30.160 of our lives were at an impasse. Our personal life 0:09:30.200 --> 0:09:33.000 was kind of falling apart, which we then went on 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:35.320 to rebuild. At the time, I think this was in 0:09:35.360 --> 0:09:39.640 twenty fifteen, I said to him, I don't want to 0:09:39.640 --> 0:09:42.160 get rid of all the storage units and everything I 0:09:42.200 --> 0:09:45.720 have because it feels like everything I have worked so 0:09:46.080 --> 0:09:50.480 hard for in my career, in my life is there, 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:55.200 and it's almost like letting go and discrediting everything I've 0:09:55.480 --> 0:09:56.160 worked hard for. 0:09:56.480 --> 0:09:59.480 So, Tori, I think there's a couple of things. One is, 0:09:59.559 --> 0:10:02.640 when you talk talk about nine O two one oh, 0:10:02.679 --> 0:10:05.839 the clothing that you hold on to, and I'll get 0:10:05.880 --> 0:10:09.600 to that, But the clothing is in the show. Let 0:10:09.640 --> 0:10:11.600 me see if I can explain this. So, if you're 0:10:11.600 --> 0:10:14.440 holding onto clothing from the period of nine O two 0:10:14.440 --> 0:10:19.000 one oh, is that clothing in the show? Therefore, are 0:10:19.040 --> 0:10:21.000 you holding on to it because you feel like you 0:10:21.120 --> 0:10:28.800 have to have that piece of clothing to remember or 0:10:28.960 --> 0:10:33.160 to connect you to that versus the show is actually 0:10:33.840 --> 0:10:38.400 in media land? Right? Does that make sense. 0:10:38.720 --> 0:10:42.000 It does make sense for me personally. It wasn't anything 0:10:42.160 --> 0:10:44.280 that was like wardrobe from the show or anything. I'm 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:47.520 time stamping, you know, periods of my life. Yeah, people 0:10:47.600 --> 0:10:50.920 would get the reference. And that's what nine O two 0:10:50.960 --> 0:10:51.480 one O was. 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:58.160 Sure. So I think part of what it goes back 0:10:58.240 --> 0:11:05.240 to is how is the stuff interfering with your life? Right? 0:11:05.360 --> 0:11:08.439 So your sixteen year old says, oh my gosh, mom, 0:11:08.640 --> 0:11:11.600 oh this is great, this is wonderful, that sort of thing, 0:11:12.679 --> 0:11:17.320 and that's just one, two, three, four, maybe even ten items, right, 0:11:17.800 --> 0:11:24.000 But if we're talking about storage units of stuff, right, 0:11:24.840 --> 0:11:28.839 is it better for you to look at selling that, 0:11:31.000 --> 0:11:38.520 doing something with those proceeds, right, and taking that to 0:11:38.600 --> 0:11:45.400 purchase those that clothing for your child? I mean, I 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:47.760 mean I get like in today's day, some of the 0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:53.200 name brands you're talking about have have like grown exponentially financially, right, 0:11:53.760 --> 0:11:58.440 But I think Tory, what we're really getting at is 0:11:58.440 --> 0:12:03.400 is it cause you more disruption in your life to 0:12:03.559 --> 0:12:08.320 hold on to these storage units financially? Like when you 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:11.040 look at a storage unit, right, Like if you look 0:12:11.040 --> 0:12:12.880 at all the way back to my back wall, and 0:12:12.920 --> 0:12:16.120 if this was full, right, if I'm like, oh my gosh, 0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:18.280 I want to go get that Chanelle jacket. Am I 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:21.680 going to open up my storage unit and start purging 0:12:21.760 --> 0:12:24.520 through all the way to that back wall? Not likely? 0:12:24.559 --> 0:12:28.920 And you'll probably take your your daughter down and buyer something, 0:12:29.120 --> 0:12:31.360 right because it's a lot less time. 0:12:31.720 --> 0:12:33.920 Right. Well, the good news is the storage units are 0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:36.840 gone down, all of them are? All of them are? 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:38.480 And how did you do that? 0:12:39.400 --> 0:12:42.040 Well, my garage you can't walk into. 0:12:50.320 --> 0:12:54.720 So the storage units are in your garage all right. 0:12:54.679 --> 0:12:59.080 Filled with boxes. So something that you were saying, and 0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:01.360 I shut down when you said this, and I'll tell 0:13:01.400 --> 0:13:04.080 you why. As you were like, could you work on 0:13:04.600 --> 0:13:08.920 you know, selling the stuff? Yes, I would love to 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:13.160 do that. I don't physically have the time. And I 0:13:13.200 --> 0:13:17.079 think a lot of my what I call hoarding comes 0:13:17.120 --> 0:13:21.440 from my lack of time. And when I do have time, 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:26.400 it's a vicious circle because with five kids now and 0:13:26.679 --> 0:13:32.360 being a single parent now, it's hard and my priority 0:13:32.440 --> 0:13:36.160 list that's not up there, but it should be because 0:13:36.280 --> 0:13:39.720 it would free up space and it's just sitting in 0:13:39.760 --> 0:13:43.720 the boxes. I don't know if I used to think 0:13:43.800 --> 0:13:49.840 that my letter came from me, you know, just holding 0:13:49.880 --> 0:13:52.080 on to stuff and it was an emotional thing. But 0:13:52.200 --> 0:13:55.040 I got to tell you, whenever I and I you know, 0:13:55.760 --> 0:13:59.080 go away to do a movie or the kids and 0:13:59.120 --> 0:14:02.720 I go somewhere, say, you know, rent an airbnb for 0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:07.120 a week or something, I notice that I'm so happy 0:14:08.240 --> 0:14:12.240 because it's clean, there's no clutter, and I'm actually it's 0:14:12.240 --> 0:14:17.520 like starting over and I'm able to you know. Sometimes 0:14:17.600 --> 0:14:22.400 we'll go to like Big Bear Lake, Arrowhead, and once 0:14:22.440 --> 0:14:26.440 we get into that clean, perfect house, I'm like, I 0:14:26.480 --> 0:14:31.480 feel great and I'm really good actually at delegating and 0:14:31.640 --> 0:14:35.680 making the kids be accountable. But when it's in our 0:14:35.720 --> 0:14:39.880 own home, I feel like, Okay, I'm in work mode, going, going, going, 0:14:40.240 --> 0:14:42.680 you know, besides working you know, full time as a 0:14:42.720 --> 0:14:46.840 single mom and not on a schedule like it's very 0:14:46.880 --> 0:14:49.720 you know, up and down, up and down, and being 0:14:49.800 --> 0:14:53.800 a full time uber driver, you know, with four schools, 0:14:54.160 --> 0:14:56.960 have four different pickups for five kids. It's a lot. 0:14:58.160 --> 0:15:01.120 And I'm not saying that this is giving me. I'm 0:15:01.160 --> 0:15:03.080 not meaning to sound defensive because I'm not. I want 0:15:03.120 --> 0:15:06.880 a solution, but it just you know, we moved into 0:15:06.920 --> 0:15:11.000 a new house last year and it started clean, and 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:13.880 then once all of our stuff came in and then 0:15:13.920 --> 0:15:17.720 I'm really grateful. I'm I'm in a world in a 0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:20.960 business where you know, people send us stuff a lot, 0:15:21.200 --> 0:15:25.520 and I'm always so grateful, but it just adds adds 0:15:25.560 --> 0:15:28.760 to and we don't have a super large house, so 0:15:28.800 --> 0:15:32.280 it's like there is no room for it. And I'm like, well, 0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:36.960 someone just sent me that. I'm feel bad giving it away. 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:40.600 They took that time, they were thinking all tory, it 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:43.840 was important to them, and so then to say, well 0:15:43.880 --> 0:15:45.880 I don't have room for it and to discard it 0:15:46.040 --> 0:15:54.280 or whatever it is feels ungrateful in some way definitely. 0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:58.600 And you know, we people send us, even brands, you know, 0:15:59.320 --> 0:16:03.040 send us, you know, their newest bars to try and 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:06.400 drinks and you know, things like that that I'm like, okay, 0:16:06.440 --> 0:16:10.040 this is great, you know, financially as a single moll 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:11.920 of five, I'm like cool, you know you get stuff. 0:16:11.960 --> 0:16:14.120 You're like, we can use this, but then we just 0:16:14.200 --> 0:16:16.800 don't have room for it, so it just piles. I'm 0:16:16.800 --> 0:16:20.200 not good at organizing. My brain doesn't think that way. 0:16:20.320 --> 0:16:22.920 So whereas like if my friends were to come in 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:27.000 that have like a very organizational type brain, they could 0:16:27.040 --> 0:16:29.320 be like here, put this here. I don't think like that. 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:31.720 So it's like I'll get to that when I can 0:16:31.760 --> 0:16:33.000 get to it, and then all of a sudden, it 0:16:33.040 --> 0:16:33.840 just keeps adding. 0:16:34.760 --> 0:16:38.440 So I'm going to ask you what might be a 0:16:38.480 --> 0:16:41.960 difficult question. It's okay, And you know something that you 0:16:42.040 --> 0:16:44.720 said Tory earlier is like, I don't perceive you as 0:16:44.760 --> 0:16:47.920 being defensive at all. You're just being honest about what's 0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:53.160 going on. Right, So the question I have for you is, 0:16:53.960 --> 0:16:59.680 how is your home environment, not the garage, how is 0:16:59.720 --> 0:17:03.880 your home environment impacting your kids? 0:17:03.960 --> 0:17:10.080 It's clutter. Yeah, It's the thing is I can't do 0:17:10.160 --> 0:17:14.879 it alone. I have five children, ages seventeen to seven. 0:17:15.480 --> 0:17:17.399 I give the seven year old a wide birth, but 0:17:18.040 --> 0:17:24.320 the other four I'm constantly saying, please help me out 0:17:24.359 --> 0:17:27.239 because if they don't help and don't do it, I 0:17:27.280 --> 0:17:29.879 will just do it. And I'll do it when I 0:17:29.960 --> 0:17:34.800 have an hour here or day off and I can 0:17:34.840 --> 0:17:37.760 get it done real fast. But it's like, I need 0:17:37.800 --> 0:17:40.800 you guys to help me maintain this, you know, seven 0:17:40.880 --> 0:17:43.600 days a week. It's all it's six of us living 0:17:43.600 --> 0:17:46.960 in this house and I'm not getting the support. And 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:52.639 granted I take responsibility. I'm sure I showed them that 0:17:53.000 --> 0:17:56.479 I wasn't that type, you know, because growing up I 0:17:56.520 --> 0:18:00.000 didn't have to clean up after myself and my parents 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:03.280 and had people around that would help us. And when 0:18:03.560 --> 0:18:06.680 a lot of my kids were young, you know, we 0:18:06.680 --> 0:18:12.280 were in a very stable financial realm. I was working 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:15.560 constantly on shows and doing and we did have people 0:18:15.600 --> 0:18:17.960 helping us, and I feel like they didn't feel like 0:18:18.000 --> 0:18:19.719 they really had to do anything. And now it's us, 0:18:19.760 --> 0:18:22.200 and it's like, well, you know, I didn't learn until 0:18:22.240 --> 0:18:25.199 I was older and moved out, you know, And I 0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:27.919 know it's probably hard. You weren't used to having to 0:18:27.920 --> 0:18:29.360 make your bed, but now you have to make your bed, 0:18:29.400 --> 0:18:34.280 and but yeah, they're all very much like me, so 0:18:34.320 --> 0:18:35.160 it's not a good thing. 0:18:36.080 --> 0:18:39.280 So, you know, Tori, I, first of all, I can't 0:18:39.280 --> 0:18:43.160 imagine five kids as a single parent. I just want 0:18:43.200 --> 0:18:47.320 to acknowledge that from the beginning. And then I don't 0:18:47.359 --> 0:18:50.879 know if you're the soul breadwinner. I don't know anything 0:18:50.920 --> 0:18:55.000 about that, right, But it's a lot of responsibility to 0:18:55.680 --> 0:19:01.400 just independently take care of five kids with any other issues, 0:19:02.000 --> 0:19:07.679 the shopping, the attending to all the societal stuff that 0:19:07.760 --> 0:19:10.960 goes on with kids today. Keeping up with the shopping, 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:14.240 keeping up with the clothes, keeping up four different kids 0:19:14.280 --> 0:19:19.399 at different schools. You're the driver, Like that alone is 0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:23.240 a lot, right, So now we add on some struggles 0:19:23.840 --> 0:19:30.600 with being able to manage the household environment, and that 0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:35.000 that is just when you struggle with that, then you 0:19:35.119 --> 0:19:38.640 add that on to all the other responsibilities, and then 0:19:38.840 --> 0:19:42.040 it's just it just blows up, right, so it doesn't 0:19:42.080 --> 0:19:44.800 get done. And the thing that I want to tell 0:19:44.840 --> 0:19:48.160 you is that I hope that you have some self 0:19:48.200 --> 0:19:52.359 compassion for yourself, because if you were not raised in 0:19:52.359 --> 0:19:56.600 an environment you don't. If you were not raised in 0:19:56.600 --> 0:20:01.280 an environment where you had to do those things, I 0:20:01.280 --> 0:20:05.040 think there is an assumption that then you should suddenly 0:20:05.160 --> 0:20:10.119 be able to do those things right. And one might say, well, 0:20:10.119 --> 0:20:13.479 what's the big idea about making a bed? Well, if 0:20:14.160 --> 0:20:16.879 a child has been raised where they haven't had to 0:20:16.920 --> 0:20:21.520 do that, and then other demands come on, and now 0:20:21.920 --> 0:20:26.320 you know, there can be other stuff, maybe attention you've got, 0:20:26.600 --> 0:20:29.960 you know, thinking about your career and all the other 0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:33.320 stuff that's coming on. Like I do know I have 0:20:33.400 --> 0:20:36.040 been called many times at the last moment saying can 0:20:36.080 --> 0:20:40.600 you fly out tomorrow? I'm like, okay, all right, let 0:20:40.680 --> 0:20:44.480 me just like sit and figure this out, right, But 0:20:44.600 --> 0:20:46.800 my life is very different. I don't have five children. 0:20:46.840 --> 0:20:50.879 So how does somebody in your situation where the demands 0:20:50.880 --> 0:20:54.679 and people are calling, with your career and the other things, 0:20:54.720 --> 0:20:56.879 then taking care of your children and managing all that, 0:20:57.280 --> 0:20:59.520 and then on top of that, trying to manage a 0:20:59.600 --> 0:21:03.240 home in and of itself. Because this is why people 0:21:03.280 --> 0:21:07.160 have full time housekeepers. They don't do anything else, they 0:21:07.240 --> 0:21:11.160 just manage the home, right, and you're trying to do 0:21:11.240 --> 0:21:16.240 it all. And that's where the piece that I would say, 0:21:16.280 --> 0:21:18.359 with the self compassion, I hope you can start to 0:21:18.400 --> 0:21:22.679 give yourself that or think about that because you're taking 0:21:22.720 --> 0:21:26.240 on a lot that seems like too much to bear. 0:21:27.480 --> 0:21:31.520 And so you then are raised in an environment where 0:21:32.160 --> 0:21:35.200 you didn't have these challenges, and now you have these challenges. 0:21:35.280 --> 0:21:37.640 Things have changed. You were in a big home. Yeah, 0:21:37.720 --> 0:21:39.880 we had all the room. Now we don't have the room. 0:21:40.119 --> 0:21:42.600 The good news is you're not paying for the storage units. 0:21:42.720 --> 0:21:44.840 Now it's in the garage. Now what do I do? 0:21:45.200 --> 0:21:47.720 But the problem is is you have all of these 0:21:47.760 --> 0:21:51.000 people that are sending you things generously, which is great, 0:21:51.840 --> 0:21:56.080 the thoughtfulness all of that, but there has to be 0:21:56.600 --> 0:22:00.679 where we started with, when things come in have to 0:22:00.720 --> 0:22:04.200 go out right, So you say as a mom, like, yeah, 0:22:04.200 --> 0:22:06.439 we can use this soap, we can use this that 0:22:06.760 --> 0:22:09.320 or whatever. But then when it gets to a level, 0:22:09.960 --> 0:22:12.360 then you have to get to a point to say, okay, 0:22:12.440 --> 0:22:13.960 you know what, we're going to go down to the 0:22:13.960 --> 0:22:17.439 local shelter and donate this. We're gonna you know, and 0:22:17.480 --> 0:22:21.200 that that probably is like a real challenge because when 0:22:21.480 --> 0:22:24.040 you're saying, well, what if no more supplies come, or 0:22:24.320 --> 0:22:26.399 you know, what if I don't have work for a while, 0:22:26.920 --> 0:22:29.040 or you know, what if? What if? And that's a 0:22:29.200 --> 0:22:32.560 lot of what happens in terms of why people have 0:22:32.600 --> 0:22:35.240 struggles letting go is because they live a lot in 0:22:35.520 --> 0:22:38.040 the what if and so if I give this up, 0:22:38.160 --> 0:22:42.480 what if I regret it? The thing that we want 0:22:42.520 --> 0:22:44.720 to really get back to is what do you want 0:22:44.720 --> 0:22:47.560 your life to look like? And what do you want 0:22:48.359 --> 0:22:52.960 your environment for yourself and your children to look like? 0:22:53.000 --> 0:22:54.960 Because when you talk about going to Big Bear or 0:22:55.080 --> 0:22:57.439 Arrowhead and all these places and you walk in and 0:22:57.440 --> 0:23:00.520 you're just like, oh my gosh, this is so freeing, relieving. 0:23:00.520 --> 0:23:03.920 And granted those areas, right, hotels are going to be 0:23:04.000 --> 0:23:06.119 much more sterile and this is not going to have 0:23:06.160 --> 0:23:10.320 as much stuff, but getting to a place where you 0:23:10.359 --> 0:23:12.960 can laugh and giggle and jump on the couch and 0:23:13.240 --> 0:23:18.040 the animals can run around and everybody's happy, and you know, 0:23:18.160 --> 0:23:21.919 people aren't feeling tax because of the stuff. And like 0:23:22.000 --> 0:23:27.320 a movie, right, you can have a scene and suddenly 0:23:27.520 --> 0:23:30.080 they can remove that tree, they can move that, or 0:23:30.119 --> 0:23:32.320 they can move that, and then you look and you 0:23:32.359 --> 0:23:35.000 see the difference and even though like, yeah, that was 0:23:35.040 --> 0:23:37.600 a beautiful tree, or that was a great thing, like 0:23:37.720 --> 0:23:40.720 the relief toy that you're going to have by letting 0:23:40.800 --> 0:23:43.760 go is going to be far greater because the distress 0:23:43.880 --> 0:23:48.520 this is creating for you is very powerful for you. 0:23:49.280 --> 0:23:53.040 And you know, the truth is I followed you long ago, 0:23:53.760 --> 0:23:57.840 long ago, and the reason was, interestingly enough, is because 0:23:57.880 --> 0:24:01.400 you'd pop up on Facebook and the things that I 0:24:01.440 --> 0:24:04.080 saw was you and your kids, You and your kids, 0:24:04.200 --> 0:24:08.200 you and your kids, and I just thought, Wow, this 0:24:08.280 --> 0:24:12.760 is a mom whose focus is on her kids. And 0:24:13.320 --> 0:24:15.720 so I followed you and it was so fun to 0:24:15.880 --> 0:24:20.560 see and watch and I feel like that's what's drawing 0:24:20.640 --> 0:24:28.080 us together now, and that is that you're looking for help, 0:24:28.400 --> 0:24:35.040 You're looking for answers but how how do I find 0:24:35.080 --> 0:24:38.640 the time to do what I need to do in 0:24:38.920 --> 0:24:41.919 this particular area. Right, You're doing what you need for 0:24:42.000 --> 0:24:45.000 your kids, making sure they have an education, their clothes, 0:24:45.040 --> 0:24:51.320 they're fed, they're socialized. You're doing all that, and how 0:24:51.359 --> 0:24:53.280 do I, in the midst of all of this other 0:24:53.359 --> 0:24:56.639 stuff find time to do this? And I have to 0:24:56.680 --> 0:24:59.680 tell you, I admitted three patients today into our program 0:25:00.200 --> 0:25:02.360 and we had a discussion about you know, there's never 0:25:02.440 --> 0:25:05.360 a good time to go into treatment, especially the holidays, right, 0:25:05.800 --> 0:25:08.320