WEBVTT - Emilie Kiser EXCLUSIVE: The Loss That Changed Her Forever 0:00:03.640 --> 0:00:06.240 I got a phone call from my husband that our 0:00:06.360 --> 0:00:11.799 sun trick had fallen in the pool and that he 0:00:11.880 --> 0:00:18.239 wasn't breathing. Our whole world fell apart. There is no 0:00:18.360 --> 0:00:21.880 way to describe to someone what it's like losing a child. 0:00:22.120 --> 0:00:24.280 We did not think we would make it through that. 0:00:27.600 --> 0:00:30.360 Hey, everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the place you 0:00:30.440 --> 0:00:34.040 come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. You know, 0:00:34.080 --> 0:00:36.920 the thing that's most important to me is sharing real 0:00:37.000 --> 0:00:42.519 stories that allow individuals to express their journeys, express their challenges, 0:00:42.560 --> 0:00:46.879 express the lives that they've lived in a way that uplifts, inspires, 0:00:47.240 --> 0:00:50.519 and most importantly, heals all of us. Today I get 0:00:50.520 --> 0:00:54.080 to sit down with Emily Kaiser. Emily has invited so 0:00:54.160 --> 0:00:58.200 many people into her life with honesty, warmth, and openness, 0:00:58.600 --> 0:01:01.760 and over the past year, she's through a life altering experience, 0:01:02.360 --> 0:01:05.160 one that reshaped her world in ways no one is 0:01:05.240 --> 0:01:09.440 ever prepared for. Please welcome to on Purpose, Emily. Kay's Emily, 0:01:10.080 --> 0:01:11.119 so wonderful. 0:01:10.720 --> 0:01:13.000 To meet you, you too, I'm really grateful to be here. 0:01:13.120 --> 0:01:15.640 Your energy since you walked in this morning is so 0:01:15.840 --> 0:01:20.360 warm and cozy and comforting, and I felt like I'd 0:01:20.400 --> 0:01:21.120 known you forever. 0:01:21.480 --> 0:01:23.080 I appreciate that it was. 0:01:23.040 --> 0:01:24.920 Just so sweet, but I wanted to start off by 0:01:25.000 --> 0:01:26.680 just asking you, how are you today? 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:31.639 I'm nervous, I'm honored to be here. Yeah, I feel 0:01:31.680 --> 0:01:32.360 I feel okay. 0:01:32.680 --> 0:01:35.040 What does your normal day to day look like? Right now? 0:01:35.640 --> 0:01:39.520 I'm a mom, so my priority day to day is 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:42.600 taking care of my younger son, Teddy, So my day 0:01:42.640 --> 0:01:45.520 to day is pretty normal. Wake up, I work out. 0:01:45.680 --> 0:01:47.920 I try to work out every day just because I 0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:51.279 know those like good endorphins will help me mentally throughout 0:01:51.280 --> 0:01:53.040 the day, and I notice a really big difference if 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:55.200 I don't do that, and then I kind of just 0:01:55.200 --> 0:01:57.320 spend the rest of my day with my son and 0:01:57.440 --> 0:02:00.720 just wherever it leads me. I've learned throughout a lot 0:02:00.760 --> 0:02:02.840 of my group journey that I just can't have too 0:02:02.880 --> 0:02:05.640 many expectations for myself, so I just have to set 0:02:05.640 --> 0:02:07.920 small intentions and go where the day leads me. 0:02:08.280 --> 0:02:11.040 Yeah, and what was your intention for coming here today? 0:02:11.120 --> 0:02:11.200 Like? 0:02:11.280 --> 0:02:13.840 What was going through your mind to want to come 0:02:13.840 --> 0:02:15.000 and share now? And today? 0:02:15.520 --> 0:02:20.320 I have a large platform, and going through what we've 0:02:20.360 --> 0:02:24.920 been through this past year, just honestly, nothing has felt 0:02:25.480 --> 0:02:28.840 like an appropriate place to talk about fully in depth, 0:02:29.720 --> 0:02:33.440 what happened, what our family's been through, just how much 0:02:33.480 --> 0:02:37.920 we mistrigg how much we love him. It honestly hasn't 0:02:37.919 --> 0:02:43.040 felt right. And I feel like when you asked me 0:02:43.080 --> 0:02:46.160 to come, I really felt like, Okay, Yeah, this is 0:02:46.240 --> 0:02:48.160 like a person that I can sit down with and 0:02:48.200 --> 0:02:52.160 have a really in depth, meaningful conversation that will hopefully 0:02:52.200 --> 0:02:56.560 help people spread awareness, help me to maybe heal in 0:02:56.560 --> 0:02:56.960 a way. 0:02:57.360 --> 0:03:00.560 Yeah, I really hope that this conversation is healing for 0:03:00.600 --> 0:03:04.440 all of us and kind and healing for you as well. Yeah, 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:06.200 we'll talk about the loss in a moment, but talk 0:03:06.240 --> 0:03:08.720 to me about what life was like before the loss, Like, 0:03:08.800 --> 0:03:12.960 talk to me about creating or sharing your life online 0:03:13.000 --> 0:03:15.560 in twenty twenty one. What did it look like? What 0:03:15.720 --> 0:03:18.240 was the motivation behind that, What was the inspiration behind 0:03:18.280 --> 0:03:18.720 all of that? 0:03:19.000 --> 0:03:22.880 The whole motivation always behind starting social media was honestly 0:03:22.919 --> 0:03:25.280 that I just needed an outlet. I think that's why 0:03:25.320 --> 0:03:27.320 a lot of people start. I think that we crave 0:03:27.440 --> 0:03:31.160 human interaction, human connection. And I lived in Utah at 0:03:31.200 --> 0:03:34.360 the time for already about I think maybe three or 0:03:34.360 --> 0:03:36.960 four years. But when you become a mom, your whole 0:03:36.960 --> 0:03:39.960 world shifts your life changes like nothing can even prepare 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:43.560 you for that journey, and I was just really deeply 0:03:43.640 --> 0:03:49.200 craving something to fulfill me in a deeper way. Obviously 0:03:49.240 --> 0:03:51.440 motherhood fulfills me so much, but I felt like I 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:53.880 needed like my own thing, and I think that's so 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:57.040 healthy and important. And I was like, I think I 0:03:57.040 --> 0:03:59.760 should just start sharing my day to day like maybe 0:03:59.760 --> 0:04:03.280 people will relate to that. So I was sharing morning blogs, 0:04:03.400 --> 0:04:06.720 day in the life blogs, cleaning blogs, and honestly, it 0:04:06.800 --> 0:04:09.880 deeply motivated me. I was home alone most days with 0:04:09.960 --> 0:04:12.560 Trig and so it really just helped me to get 0:04:12.560 --> 0:04:15.600 out of the house get stuff done. Like that was 0:04:15.640 --> 0:04:18.240 my motivation, was just connecting with other moms and people. 0:04:18.520 --> 0:04:21.000 Yeah, and I know our team here are huge fans 0:04:21.000 --> 0:04:24.160 of yours and they've loved following you. What was your 0:04:24.160 --> 0:04:26.720 relationship like with your community during that time, Like, it 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:29.040 feels like you just it did exactly that. It made 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:31.640 people feel connected to you, made people feel less alone. 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:34.320 I feel like to me and my community just feels 0:04:34.720 --> 0:04:39.280 warm and kind, and I feel like I'm just so 0:04:39.320 --> 0:04:42.280 grateful for my community and how much grace and love 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:45.239 they always give me and my family, and especially going 0:04:45.240 --> 0:04:48.480 through what we've gone through. I could have never anticipated 0:04:48.520 --> 0:04:50.880 the support that I would receive. And it's really always 0:04:50.880 --> 0:04:51.520 felt that way. 0:04:51.760 --> 0:04:54.839 When you're so public like you are, and then you 0:04:54.880 --> 0:04:58.359 go through a loss, everyone feels a part of that 0:04:58.480 --> 0:05:03.640 journey with you too. I imagine that it's affected the online 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:06.159 community yourself. It's almost like you share your life with 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:08.760 everyone I know. I can feel that way sometimes. 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:14.480 It's definitely shifted my perspective on my boundaries and how 0:05:14.560 --> 0:05:18.400 much I choose to share. I don't share my younger 0:05:18.440 --> 0:05:21.400 son anymore. I have a strict boundary of I don't 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:24.880 share Trig anymore. I won't share photos of him, videos 0:05:24.880 --> 0:05:27.560 of him. It's definitely just shifted a lot of my 0:05:27.600 --> 0:05:30.800 perspective of As much as I am so grateful for 0:05:30.839 --> 0:05:33.200 the community, it does kind of give you this perspective 0:05:33.240 --> 0:05:36.680 of people. I mean, yeah, they don't actually know me. 0:05:36.760 --> 0:05:39.400 They don't actually know my real life, and it's a 0:05:39.400 --> 0:05:42.479 hard thing to learn, especially going through what we did 0:05:42.480 --> 0:05:44.719 so publicly. It really opens your eyes. 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:47.200 Could you explain for those who may not know what 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:50.039 you went through? Lust may Could you share in the 0:05:50.080 --> 0:05:53.520 best way you feel comfortable sharing that experience. 0:05:55.480 --> 0:05:59.600 I went out with my friends. I was five weeks 0:05:59.600 --> 0:06:04.360 post part him and I went out to dinner for 0:06:04.560 --> 0:06:11.719 a little girl's night out, and about maybe ten minutes 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:13.760 after I arrived, I got a phone call from my 0:06:13.880 --> 0:06:20.520 husband that our sun Trick had fallen in the pool. 0:06:21.839 --> 0:06:22.200 And that. 0:06:23.640 --> 0:06:28.000 He wasn't breathing, and I could hear the pain and 0:06:28.160 --> 0:06:35.719 the just confusion in his voice. I knew immediately before 0:06:35.760 --> 0:06:40.760 he even said anything, that something was wrong, and so 0:06:41.000 --> 0:06:44.400 I rushed to the hospital to be by my son's side, 0:06:44.720 --> 0:06:49.159 and our life just completely changed that day. And he 0:06:49.240 --> 0:06:54.800 passed away about a week later. And Yeah, our whole 0:06:54.800 --> 0:06:57.320 world fell apart. 0:06:59.240 --> 0:07:03.360 And genuine is sorry for your loss. And I can't 0:07:03.360 --> 0:07:06.160 imagine how much courage it takes to you even share 0:07:06.200 --> 0:07:09.320 that with us today, and the strength that you have 0:07:09.400 --> 0:07:13.960 being here. And yeah, I can't imagine what that loss 0:07:13.960 --> 0:07:17.280 feels like. And it's the most hospital heartbreaking thing you 0:07:17.280 --> 0:07:22.680 could ever hear. And to add on to that, the 0:07:22.680 --> 0:07:26.000 public nature of your profile and your family and everything else, 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:29.040 I can't imagine how much that stress is placed on 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:32.480 you and your family and everyone else included, people that 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:36.440 are close to you and those that love you. Yeah, 0:07:36.560 --> 0:07:38.840 what went through your head at the time, and what's 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:41.640 been going through your head as you've had time. 0:07:43.320 --> 0:07:45.600 I mean, your body just goes into fight or flight mode. 0:07:45.640 --> 0:07:49.240 So I feel like I've just been truly taking it 0:07:50.120 --> 0:07:54.480 minute by minute, hour by hour and slowly kind of 0:07:54.720 --> 0:07:57.320 increasing from there. But I mean, the only thing that 0:07:57.400 --> 0:08:00.280 was going through my mind was just that I wanted 0:08:00.320 --> 0:08:04.040 him to be okay, that I wanted my old life back, 0:08:05.280 --> 0:08:09.840 that I wanted him to have his life back. I mean, 0:08:10.440 --> 0:08:14.640 that's what he deserves. And it's just you can't even 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:21.600 describe that feeling of when when your child passes away 0:08:21.640 --> 0:08:26.960 from a preventable accident, a preventable tragedy. All that's going 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:30.000 through your mind is where did I go wrong? Where 0:08:30.000 --> 0:08:34.160 did we go wrong? How did this happen? Why did 0:08:34.160 --> 0:08:40.520 this happen? Hindsight is playing in your head twenty four 0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:47.800 to seven, And yeah, I mean it's terrible. 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:53.719 That kind of rumination and kind of just spiraling of 0:08:53.760 --> 0:08:57.000 all those questions that you just shared and all those thoughts. 0:08:57.040 --> 0:08:59.760 I'm sure there's it's almost like not even it's not 0:08:59.800 --> 0:09:01.920 even question of trying to move on, who are trying to? 0:09:01.960 --> 0:09:05.360 You know, it's it's so it's so kind of all 0:09:05.480 --> 0:09:10.360 encompassing and all engulfing because it's exactly what you said. 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:14.280 You're just wondering about if this, what if? Why not? 0:09:15.000 --> 0:09:19.080 We had to make so many big decisions in a 0:09:19.160 --> 0:09:21.360 very short amount of time that no family should ever 0:09:21.440 --> 0:09:24.480 have to make. And I know that other people will 0:09:24.520 --> 0:09:31.120 relate to that, and it's it feels impossible. You're truly 0:09:31.200 --> 0:09:38.000 going second by second because at any moment something could change, 0:09:38.120 --> 0:09:43.040 or you could be given different news or you know, 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:47.800 so it's just truly just minute by minute. 0:09:48.559 --> 0:09:51.640 What was the hardest part about that experience that no 0:09:51.679 --> 0:09:55.199 one sees? Because everyone tries to empathize, Everyone obviously tries 0:09:55.240 --> 0:09:57.320 to understand, and you can. I always feel like when 0:09:57.360 --> 0:09:59.559 you haven't been through a pain, you can be empathetic, 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:02.680 you can be passionate, you can be theoretically there, But 0:10:02.880 --> 0:10:06.400 when something happens to you, it's very different than when 0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:09.160 you observe it through someone else. What's the part of 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:12.719 it that no one sees that you've been carrying that 0:10:12.920 --> 0:10:13.600 that affects you. 0:10:14.280 --> 0:10:18.480 I mean, just the heartbreak, the miss the love that 0:10:18.520 --> 0:10:22.840 you have for that person. Nobody can even if you 0:10:22.960 --> 0:10:26.920 have the most empathy in the world, nobody will ever 0:10:27.000 --> 0:10:30.360 be able to feel even if they've been in a 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:33.440 similar situation. Those are the people who can relate the most. 0:10:33.520 --> 0:10:37.440 But there is no way to describe to someone what 0:10:37.559 --> 0:10:40.400 it's like losing a child and what that pain is like, 0:10:41.360 --> 0:10:46.600 and it feels unbearable. We did not think we would 0:10:46.679 --> 0:10:50.120 make it through that. It's like you constantly are looking back, like, 0:10:50.480 --> 0:10:53.400 how how have I done that? How have we done that? 0:10:53.440 --> 0:10:57.480 How how are we even here right now? Time just 0:10:57.480 --> 0:11:01.840 feels so warped and confusing, and I feel like that's 0:11:02.080 --> 0:11:04.880 I mean, that's the hardest thing that you can't explain 0:11:04.920 --> 0:11:07.319 to someone, is just what it's actually like you. No, 0:11:07.600 --> 0:11:10.079 you will never know what it's actually like unless you 0:11:10.200 --> 0:11:13.960 are going through it. Even you will be surprised by 0:11:14.559 --> 0:11:19.520 the decisions you make, your thought process, your grief. I 0:11:19.559 --> 0:11:23.839 mean I had even heard similar stories before Trig passed away. 0:11:24.600 --> 0:11:26.839 I mean you always sit there with theoreticals of this 0:11:26.880 --> 0:11:28.440 is how I would handle it, r this is what 0:11:28.480 --> 0:11:31.679 I would do, and you would literally never know. And 0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:34.960 it's crazy thinking back that I ever felt that way, 0:11:35.000 --> 0:11:37.559 or that I ever theoretically felt that way about other 0:11:37.600 --> 0:11:42.240 people's tragedies, because now I'm like, oh, like you literally 0:11:42.320 --> 0:11:43.680 don't know either. 0:11:43.800 --> 0:11:46.600 Friends pass away, or younger friends get diagnosed we can 0:11:46.679 --> 0:11:49.800 say have passed away. And it's been really interesting when 0:11:49.840 --> 0:11:51.720 you get to that kind of age when people around 0:11:51.760 --> 0:11:56.120 you are starting to get diagnosed with certain things, and 0:11:56.160 --> 0:11:58.280 you start learning how as friends you want to be 0:11:58.320 --> 0:12:01.040 there for each other, but how certain friends don't quite 0:12:01.120 --> 0:12:03.240 get it. And it comes back down to exactly what 0:12:03.280 --> 0:12:05.880 you just said. We're so as humans were so quick 0:12:05.880 --> 0:12:08.520 to judge someone's experience and how we deal with it, 0:12:09.559 --> 0:12:11.240 and then when you go through something close to that, 0:12:11.280 --> 0:12:14.320 you realize how none of that mental faculty or reasoning 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:17.280 even comes close to helping you deal with any of that, 0:12:17.400 --> 0:12:21.080 because the emotion is so strong and so overriding that 0:12:21.559 --> 0:12:24.280 you don't have that function in your brain that you 0:12:24.400 --> 0:12:26.080 had before something like that happened. 0:12:26.240 --> 0:12:28.200 Your brain chemistry literally changes. 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:30.760 The hardest thing is your loss and what you're going 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:33.360 through in love and the life you had and wanting 0:12:33.400 --> 0:12:38.880 it back. But then you're also managing this your career, 0:12:39.240 --> 0:12:43.040 which also has this public perception on it. How did 0:12:43.040 --> 0:12:46.560 everyone find out and how did that kind of go 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:48.079 into a conversation there. 0:12:48.960 --> 0:12:52.080 When I first got the news that Trigg had fallen 0:12:52.120 --> 0:12:55.480 in the pool and went to the hospital. I mean, 0:12:55.520 --> 0:12:59.160 my mind was any anywhere, But what are people going 0:12:59.240 --> 0:13:02.400 to say? I wasn't even in a mental space. I 0:13:02.440 --> 0:13:05.400 was only focused on him, and so was our entire family. 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:09.920 And I mean the news broke because I think because 0:13:12.160 --> 0:13:15.560 news cars started showing up, people started putting together that 0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:18.760 my house was my house. I mean little things I think, 0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:24.120 like that furniture matched in news video footage, and people 0:13:24.200 --> 0:13:27.560 started to put together that it was Trig based off 0:13:27.600 --> 0:13:31.720 of the descriptions that were being given. But I hadn't 0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:36.880 even thought that far yet. So when I found out 0:13:37.000 --> 0:13:40.600 that it had become public and that people were wondering 0:13:40.640 --> 0:13:43.280 what had happened, I mean, we're still wondering what, like 0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:45.360 what had happened In that moment. I didn't even have 0:13:45.440 --> 0:13:49.480 details really on what had happened. We were in the 0:13:49.520 --> 0:13:54.080 depths of just figuring out what Trigg need it and 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:57.240 what we could do to help him. That's kind of 0:13:57.280 --> 0:14:00.400 how it broke, And from there it just became, I mean, 0:14:00.920 --> 0:14:04.360 a frenzy. To put it. At the least, it was crazy. 0:14:05.240 --> 0:14:08.120 But I was just so uninvolved in that at the 0:14:08.160 --> 0:14:11.880 time that it wasn't until after he had passed away 0:14:11.920 --> 0:14:14.360 that I think I really realized how big it was 0:14:14.480 --> 0:14:17.880 and how many people were talking about what had happened 0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:19.200 to him, and what. 0:14:19.120 --> 0:14:21.400 You're saying makes complete sense that of course, when you're 0:14:21.440 --> 0:14:24.000 going through something that tragic, you're just present there. Your 0:14:24.040 --> 0:14:27.960 mind is not anywhere else. Do you ever, in circumstances 0:14:28.000 --> 0:14:32.080 like this, ever find the answers that even help about 0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:33.960 what happened and how it felt? Like do you even 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:38.240 get there? Because it almost feels like when these things happen, 0:14:38.280 --> 0:14:41.360 there no, it's almost like there's no answer that can 0:14:41.400 --> 0:14:44.560 heal or suit or solve because it's just pain. 0:14:45.280 --> 0:14:48.520 There really is no answer for why it happened. At 0:14:48.520 --> 0:14:51.960 the end of the day, it happened because there were 0:14:52.280 --> 0:14:55.960 precautions that we didn't take. I'm a very logical person 0:14:56.640 --> 0:14:59.680 and I go based off the facts, and that's what 0:14:59.840 --> 0:15:02.520 I I had to do the entire time that we 0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:08.560 were in the hospital, getting information everything. And there's no 0:15:08.680 --> 0:15:13.080 answer for why he's not here. That's some bigger thing 0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:19.440 or a lesson or anything. There's nothing. It's we should 0:15:19.480 --> 0:15:23.520 have protected him better, and that's why it happened. 0:15:24.000 --> 0:15:28.640 What broke my heart beyond learning about your story as 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:31.200 I was preparing for our conversation, today and to be 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:37.520 with you was some of the reaction online, And of 0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:39.800 course I want to talk about both, because I think 0:15:40.000 --> 0:15:43.400 the negative always gets more precedents than the positive, and 0:15:43.440 --> 0:15:45.520 so I want to talk to you about both because 0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:47.000 I think there was a lot of love and there 0:15:47.080 --> 0:15:49.360 was a lot of support, and I want to talk 0:15:49.360 --> 0:15:50.880 to you about that, and I want to hear about that. 0:15:51.720 --> 0:15:53.640 But the part that broke my heart was to see 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:57.760 how when a human sees another human, whether we know 0:15:57.840 --> 0:16:00.440 you or don't, and for those who follow you, they 0:16:00.480 --> 0:16:04.000 know you extremely well to already know that someone's going 0:16:04.040 --> 0:16:06.560 through something that is the worst thing that a parent 0:16:06.560 --> 0:16:10.880 could ever go through, to then have their own opinion, 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:16.880 commentary verdict on it feels heartless and painful in a 0:16:16.920 --> 0:16:20.920 way that I can't understand why our human mind would 0:16:21.200 --> 0:16:23.960 even go there. Let's talk about some of the support 0:16:24.000 --> 0:16:25.840 you felt from people online. 0:16:25.960 --> 0:16:31.880 When I came back, I honestly was fully preparing myself 0:16:31.920 --> 0:16:36.400 for any reaction I was possibly going to get. I 0:16:36.600 --> 0:16:39.000 was just so deeply craving I think a sense of 0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:43.280 normalcy and when you're grieving and when you go through something, 0:16:44.480 --> 0:16:46.960 any sort of loss, Honestly, I think that that's what 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:49.760 a lot of us grip onto is how can I 0:16:49.880 --> 0:16:52.520 find any sense of normalcy in my life to get 0:16:52.520 --> 0:16:55.400 me through the day. For me, that kind of was 0:16:56.160 --> 0:16:59.400 starting to slowly return to my job that I love 0:16:59.520 --> 0:17:03.600 so much, which nothing could have prepared me for the 0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:08.280 support that I received. I was really just emotional and 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:15.439 blown away and just so grateful. And I very often 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:21.320 feel very undeserving just because of how sad and honestly 0:17:21.359 --> 0:17:26.160 guilty I feel, and sad for Trigg that he's not here. 0:17:26.760 --> 0:17:32.119 Sometimes I feel undeserving of like how are we able 0:17:32.200 --> 0:17:35.600 to still in the best way we can go on 0:17:35.720 --> 0:17:39.720 with our lives. And I'm just really grateful that I 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:43.159 had so many people that were just there for me. 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:46.640 My community kind of just said, however, slow you want 0:17:46.680 --> 0:17:50.239 to take it, whatever you choose to share, you can 0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:52.920 share it. That's kind of what I prepared myself returning 0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:56.080 was with the boundaries of I will just share what 0:17:56.160 --> 0:17:59.920 I'm comfortable with, because I would rather be ripped upon 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:05.120 or for what I don't share and for not sharing enough, 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:09.399 then share too much of the pain and the heartbreak 0:18:10.119 --> 0:18:13.040 and the thoughts that I go through every day and 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:16.440 be judged for that. It's just it's too much. 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:23.000 I appreciate you sharing the added layer of the emotional 0:18:23.240 --> 0:18:30.119 toll of experiencing loss, then experiencing grief, getting support, but 0:18:30.200 --> 0:18:33.120 then actually feeling guilty and a little bit of shame 0:18:33.160 --> 0:18:36.480 to even experience that support. And it's the emotional toll 0:18:36.560 --> 0:18:40.359 of all of those extremely difficult emotions to carry all 0:18:40.400 --> 0:18:43.359 at the same time. It's all the time that's really 0:18:43.400 --> 0:18:45.719 heavy for you to, you know, just to hold all 0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:46.840 of those at the same time. 0:18:47.119 --> 0:18:51.160 I think people look at grief as stages or at 0:18:51.160 --> 0:18:53.399 some point it's going to end, the pain is going 0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:55.520 to end. We look at grief as this finish line. 0:18:55.520 --> 0:18:57.320 I feel like for a lot of people of I 0:18:57.440 --> 0:18:59.320 grieved for this amount of time or I was sad 0:18:59.359 --> 0:19:01.479 for this amount of time, and then that's not how 0:19:01.520 --> 0:19:04.280 it works. It's it's never ending. Your grief is going 0:19:04.320 --> 0:19:06.439 to be with you for the rest of your life. 0:19:06.480 --> 0:19:10.040 And very early on, we had so many amazing health 0:19:10.080 --> 0:19:14.520 professionals that helped us because we would not have even 0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:18.199 gotten too the mental place we are in now without 0:19:18.240 --> 0:19:22.720 those people. And I feel like, even though it was 0:19:22.760 --> 0:19:25.480 such a wait to hear at that time, of this 0:19:25.600 --> 0:19:28.000 is never gonna go away, like We're going through the 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:30.119 darkest thing we could ever possibly go through, and we 0:19:30.200 --> 0:19:33.960 just lost our child. He's never coming back. And to 0:19:34.040 --> 0:19:39.080 hear that you're gonna feel this forever was it's it 0:19:39.119 --> 0:19:43.880 feels impossible. You're like, okay, so it's never gonna get better. 0:19:43.920 --> 0:19:46.840 I'm never gonna feel But that's when the other lessons 0:19:46.880 --> 0:19:50.199 come in of everything is going to coexist with the grief. 0:19:50.520 --> 0:19:53.800 You could feel joy and feel so much sadness at 0:19:53.800 --> 0:19:58.080 the exact same time. You can feel support while also 0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:05.600 feeling guilty. You can feel sad while also feeling reminiscent 0:20:05.640 --> 0:20:08.800 on the memories. So many feelings co exist, and that 0:20:08.960 --> 0:20:13.200 is forever. And I feel like the longer I have 0:20:13.320 --> 0:20:15.800 gotten into my grief journey, even though I'm not very 0:20:15.800 --> 0:20:17.919 far in it at all in the grand scheme of things, 0:20:18.200 --> 0:20:20.840 the more I've just really learned that that is how 0:20:20.880 --> 0:20:23.080 I have to go through my life. Of just I 0:20:23.080 --> 0:20:25.879 am allowed to feel whatever, Brady is allowed to feel whatever, 0:20:26.080 --> 0:20:29.119 my family is allowed to feel whatever. But it can 0:20:29.160 --> 0:20:31.960 all co exist. But the grief is never going away. 0:20:33.040 --> 0:20:36.439 You're completely right that that belief that we all have, 0:20:36.640 --> 0:20:38.840 or this hope that we all have, that there's a 0:20:38.880 --> 0:20:42.040 finish line. There's an endpoint, there's a turning point for 0:20:42.160 --> 0:20:45.080 moments like this. You're absolutely right, there is none. And 0:20:46.880 --> 0:20:49.159 that's the hardest thing and the most helpful thing in 0:20:49.520 --> 0:20:54.439 one because it's almost lying to ourselves, are lying to 0:20:54.440 --> 0:20:56.159 help others. Saying it will go away one day is 0:20:56.200 --> 0:20:59.320 actually worse because then you're just waiting for that day. Yeah. 0:20:59.440 --> 0:21:01.920 Or the stage of grief. You hear that all the time. Oh, 0:21:01.960 --> 0:21:05.159 there's stages of grief. Stages of grief were designed. And 0:21:05.200 --> 0:21:10.040 I actually learned this from Joeyannekatchatori, who's a doctor that 0:21:10.080 --> 0:21:12.439 we went to like very early on. We went to 0:21:12.680 --> 0:21:16.480 a few of her She owns a care farm kind 0:21:16.520 --> 0:21:19.720 of like a grief place for parents who have gone 0:21:19.720 --> 0:21:23.760 through child loss. And she just basically said, plain and simple, 0:21:23.800 --> 0:21:27.000 that's designed for elderly people who are at the end 0:21:27.040 --> 0:21:29.960 of life, of the stages of accepting that your life 0:21:30.000 --> 0:21:32.120 is going to end. That is not made for parents 0:21:32.160 --> 0:21:35.560 who have lost their child because there are no stages. 0:21:35.800 --> 0:21:39.400 It is never ending. You could be in one stage 0:21:39.680 --> 0:21:43.200 at some point and then at the next point you're 0:21:43.240 --> 0:21:45.800 in the complete opposite stage, and you just have to 0:21:45.920 --> 0:21:48.240 accept that. You have to feel what you feel when 0:21:48.240 --> 0:21:51.639 it comes, and that is just how you have to 0:21:51.640 --> 0:21:52.359 go about it forever. 0:22:09.400 --> 0:22:11.280 You said that there was a part of you that 0:22:11.320 --> 0:22:15.760 obviously took a break, obviously after all of this, and 0:22:15.960 --> 0:22:19.000 the only reason you went back was to experience normalcy 0:22:19.080 --> 0:22:22.080 and you know, just getting into some routine and rhythm 0:22:22.080 --> 0:22:24.560 for your life, which is always encouraged and when people 0:22:24.600 --> 0:22:28.320 go through difficult things to feel just like you're moving 0:22:28.320 --> 0:22:31.680 your body, You're you know, helping yourself, You're going back 0:22:31.720 --> 0:22:35.800 to doing things that felt familiar. How hard was it 0:22:35.840 --> 0:22:37.520 to even go back to doing that. 0:22:38.560 --> 0:22:43.480 We were, I mean obviously barely able to get out 0:22:43.480 --> 0:22:47.800 of bed, barely able to get up and brush our teeth. 0:22:48.840 --> 0:22:50.880 I was. We were not in a position to even 0:22:50.920 --> 0:22:53.960 take care of our younger child. I'm so grateful for 0:22:54.040 --> 0:22:57.680 the support and the family we had around us, because 0:22:58.720 --> 0:23:01.080 we just could not have done it. I mean when 0:23:01.119 --> 0:23:05.840 we were first going through it, and I was five 0:23:05.880 --> 0:23:11.240 weeks postpartum, so I wasn't even in a headspace to 0:23:13.600 --> 0:23:15.840 get into a routine at all. I was still trying 0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:19.800 to get used to having two kids. My dad was 0:23:19.800 --> 0:23:21.320 actually who came to me and was like, em, you 0:23:21.320 --> 0:23:24.840 gotta move your body. My stepmom actually teaches pilates on 0:23:24.960 --> 0:23:27.640 the side, and he would just have her come over 0:23:28.000 --> 0:23:31.600 and help me. I would go on walks. But even 0:23:31.880 --> 0:23:35.040 at that beginning, when we first lost him, we weren't 0:23:35.040 --> 0:23:38.040 even leaving our house because we had people driving by 0:23:38.560 --> 0:23:43.399 taking videos, helicopters going over our house, news were showing 0:23:43.520 --> 0:23:47.280