Speaker 1: I got a phone call from my husband that our
Speaker 1: sun trick had fallen in the pool and that he
Speaker 1: wasn't breathing. Our whole world fell apart. There is no
Speaker 1: way to describe to someone what it's like losing a child.
Speaker 1: We did not think we would make it through that.
Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the place you
Speaker 2: come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. You know,
Speaker 2: the thing that's most important to me is sharing real
Speaker 2: stories that allow individuals to express their journeys, express their challenges,
Speaker 2: express the lives that they've lived in a way that uplifts, inspires,
Speaker 2: and most importantly, heals all of us. Today I get
Speaker 2: to sit down with Emily Kaiser. Emily has invited so
Speaker 2: many people into her life with honesty, warmth, and openness,
Speaker 2: and over the past year, she's through a life altering experience,
Speaker 2: one that reshaped her world in ways no one is
Speaker 2: ever prepared for. Please welcome to on Purpose, Emily. Kay's Emily,
Speaker 2: so wonderful.
Speaker 1: To meet you, you too, I'm really grateful to be here.
Speaker 2: Your energy since you walked in this morning is so
Speaker 2: warm and cozy and comforting, and I felt like I'd
Speaker 2: known you forever.
Speaker 1: I appreciate that it was.
Speaker 2: Just so sweet, but I wanted to start off by
Speaker 2: just asking you, how are you today?
Speaker 1: I'm nervous, I'm honored to be here. Yeah, I feel
Speaker 1: I feel okay.
Speaker 2: What does your normal day to day look like? Right now?
Speaker 1: I'm a mom, so my priority day to day is
Speaker 1: taking care of my younger son, Teddy, So my day
Speaker 1: to day is pretty normal. Wake up, I work out.
Speaker 1: I try to work out every day just because I
Speaker 1: know those like good endorphins will help me mentally throughout
Speaker 1: the day, and I notice a really big difference if
Speaker 1: I don't do that, and then I kind of just
Speaker 1: spend the rest of my day with my son and
Speaker 1: just wherever it leads me. I've learned throughout a lot
Speaker 1: of my group journey that I just can't have too
Speaker 1: many expectations for myself, so I just have to set
Speaker 1: small intentions and go where the day leads me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and what was your intention for coming here today?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: What was going through your mind to want to come
Speaker 2: and share now? And today?
Speaker 1: I have a large platform, and going through what we've
Speaker 1: been through this past year, just honestly, nothing has felt
Speaker 1: like an appropriate place to talk about fully in depth,
Speaker 1: what happened, what our family's been through, just how much
Speaker 1: we mistrigg how much we love him. It honestly hasn't
Speaker 1: felt right. And I feel like when you asked me
Speaker 1: to come, I really felt like, Okay, Yeah, this is
Speaker 1: like a person that I can sit down with and
Speaker 1: have a really in depth, meaningful conversation that will hopefully
Speaker 1: help people spread awareness, help me to maybe heal in
Speaker 1: a way.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I really hope that this conversation is healing for
Speaker 2: all of us and kind and healing for you as well. Yeah,
Speaker 2: we'll talk about the loss in a moment, but talk
Speaker 2: to me about what life was like before the loss, Like,
Speaker 2: talk to me about creating or sharing your life online
Speaker 2: in twenty twenty one. What did it look like? What
Speaker 2: was the motivation behind that, What was the inspiration behind
Speaker 2: all of that?
Speaker 1: The whole motivation always behind starting social media was honestly
Speaker 1: that I just needed an outlet. I think that's why
Speaker 1: a lot of people start. I think that we crave
Speaker 1: human interaction, human connection. And I lived in Utah at
Speaker 1: the time for already about I think maybe three or
Speaker 1: four years. But when you become a mom, your whole
Speaker 1: world shifts your life changes like nothing can even prepare
Speaker 1: you for that journey, and I was just really deeply
Speaker 1: craving something to fulfill me in a deeper way. Obviously
Speaker 1: motherhood fulfills me so much, but I felt like I
Speaker 1: needed like my own thing, and I think that's so
Speaker 1: healthy and important. And I was like, I think I
Speaker 1: should just start sharing my day to day like maybe
Speaker 1: people will relate to that. So I was sharing morning blogs,
Speaker 1: day in the life blogs, cleaning blogs, and honestly, it
Speaker 1: deeply motivated me. I was home alone most days with
Speaker 1: Trig and so it really just helped me to get
Speaker 1: out of the house get stuff done. Like that was
Speaker 1: my motivation, was just connecting with other moms and people.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I know our team here are huge fans
Speaker 2: of yours and they've loved following you. What was your
Speaker 2: relationship like with your community during that time, Like, it
Speaker 2: feels like you just it did exactly that. It made
Speaker 2: people feel connected to you, made people feel less alone.
Speaker 1: I feel like to me and my community just feels
Speaker 1: warm and kind, and I feel like I'm just so
Speaker 1: grateful for my community and how much grace and love
Speaker 1: they always give me and my family, and especially going
Speaker 1: through what we've gone through. I could have never anticipated
Speaker 1: the support that I would receive. And it's really always
Speaker 1: felt that way.
Speaker 2: When you're so public like you are, and then you
Speaker 2: go through a loss, everyone feels a part of that
Speaker 2: journey with you too. I imagine that it's affected the online
Speaker 2: community yourself. It's almost like you share your life with
Speaker 2: everyone I know. I can feel that way sometimes.
Speaker 1: It's definitely shifted my perspective on my boundaries and how
Speaker 1: much I choose to share. I don't share my younger
Speaker 1: son anymore. I have a strict boundary of I don't
Speaker 1: share Trig anymore. I won't share photos of him, videos
Speaker 1: of him. It's definitely just shifted a lot of my
Speaker 1: perspective of As much as I am so grateful for
Speaker 1: the community, it does kind of give you this perspective
Speaker 1: of people. I mean, yeah, they don't actually know me.
Speaker 1: They don't actually know my real life, and it's a
Speaker 1: hard thing to learn, especially going through what we did
Speaker 1: so publicly. It really opens your eyes.
Speaker 2: Could you explain for those who may not know what
Speaker 2: you went through? Lust may Could you share in the
Speaker 2: best way you feel comfortable sharing that experience.
Speaker 1: I went out with my friends. I was five weeks
Speaker 1: post part him and I went out to dinner for
Speaker 1: a little girl's night out, and about maybe ten minutes
Speaker 1: after I arrived, I got a phone call from my
Speaker 1: husband that our sun Trick had fallen in the pool.
Speaker 2: And that.
Speaker 1: He wasn't breathing, and I could hear the pain and
Speaker 1: the just confusion in his voice. I knew immediately before
Speaker 1: he even said anything, that something was wrong, and so
Speaker 1: I rushed to the hospital to be by my son's side,
Speaker 1: and our life just completely changed that day. And he
Speaker 1: passed away about a week later. And Yeah, our whole
Speaker 1: world fell apart.
Speaker 2: And genuine is sorry for your loss. And I can't
Speaker 2: imagine how much courage it takes to you even share
Speaker 2: that with us today, and the strength that you have
Speaker 2: being here. And yeah, I can't imagine what that loss
Speaker 2: feels like. And it's the most hospital heartbreaking thing you
Speaker 2: could ever hear. And to add on to that, the
Speaker 2: public nature of your profile and your family and everything else,
Speaker 2: I can't imagine how much that stress is placed on
Speaker 2: you and your family and everyone else included, people that
Speaker 2: are close to you and those that love you. Yeah,
Speaker 2: what went through your head at the time, and what's
Speaker 2: been going through your head as you've had time.
Speaker 1: I mean, your body just goes into fight or flight mode.
Speaker 1: So I feel like I've just been truly taking it
Speaker 1: minute by minute, hour by hour and slowly kind of
Speaker 1: increasing from there. But I mean, the only thing that
Speaker 1: was going through my mind was just that I wanted
Speaker 1: him to be okay, that I wanted my old life back,
Speaker 1: that I wanted him to have his life back. I mean,
Speaker 1: that's what he deserves. And it's just you can't even
Speaker 1: describe that feeling of when when your child passes away
Speaker 1: from a preventable accident, a preventable tragedy. All that's going
Speaker 1: through your mind is where did I go wrong? Where
Speaker 1: did we go wrong? How did this happen? Why did
Speaker 1: this happen? Hindsight is playing in your head twenty four
Speaker 1: to seven, And yeah, I mean it's terrible.
Speaker 2: That kind of rumination and kind of just spiraling of
Speaker 2: all those questions that you just shared and all those thoughts.
Speaker 2: I'm sure there's it's almost like not even it's not
Speaker 2: even question of trying to move on, who are trying to?
Speaker 2: You know, it's it's so it's so kind of all
Speaker 2: encompassing and all engulfing because it's exactly what you said.
Speaker 2: You're just wondering about if this, what if? Why not?
Speaker 1: We had to make so many big decisions in a
Speaker 1: very short amount of time that no family should ever
Speaker 1: have to make. And I know that other people will
Speaker 1: relate to that, and it's it feels impossible. You're truly
Speaker 1: going second by second because at any moment something could change,
Speaker 1: or you could be given different news or you know,
Speaker 1: so it's just truly just minute by minute.
Speaker 2: What was the hardest part about that experience that no
Speaker 2: one sees? Because everyone tries to empathize, Everyone obviously tries
Speaker 2: to understand, and you can. I always feel like when
Speaker 2: you haven't been through a pain, you can be empathetic,
Speaker 2: you can be passionate, you can be theoretically there, But
Speaker 2: when something happens to you, it's very different than when
Speaker 2: you observe it through someone else. What's the part of
Speaker 2: it that no one sees that you've been carrying that
Speaker 2: that affects you.
Speaker 1: I mean, just the heartbreak, the miss the love that
Speaker 1: you have for that person. Nobody can even if you
Speaker 1: have the most empathy in the world, nobody will ever
Speaker 1: be able to feel even if they've been in a
Speaker 1: similar situation. Those are the people who can relate the most.
Speaker 1: But there is no way to describe to someone what
Speaker 1: it's like losing a child and what that pain is like,
Speaker 1: and it feels unbearable. We did not think we would
Speaker 1: make it through that. It's like you constantly are looking back, like,
Speaker 1: how how have I done that? How have we done that?
Speaker 1: How how are we even here right now? Time just
Speaker 1: feels so warped and confusing, and I feel like that's
Speaker 1: I mean, that's the hardest thing that you can't explain
Speaker 1: to someone, is just what it's actually like you. No,
Speaker 1: you will never know what it's actually like unless you
Speaker 1: are going through it. Even you will be surprised by
Speaker 1: the decisions you make, your thought process, your grief. I
Speaker 1: mean I had even heard similar stories before Trig passed away.
Speaker 1: I mean you always sit there with theoreticals of this
Speaker 1: is how I would handle it, r this is what
Speaker 1: I would do, and you would literally never know. And
Speaker 1: it's crazy thinking back that I ever felt that way,
Speaker 1: or that I ever theoretically felt that way about other
Speaker 1: people's tragedies, because now I'm like, oh, like you literally
Speaker 1: don't know either.
Speaker 2: Friends pass away, or younger friends get diagnosed we can
Speaker 2: say have passed away. And it's been really interesting when
Speaker 2: you get to that kind of age when people around
Speaker 2: you are starting to get diagnosed with certain things, and
Speaker 2: you start learning how as friends you want to be
Speaker 2: there for each other, but how certain friends don't quite
Speaker 2: get it. And it comes back down to exactly what
Speaker 2: you just said. We're so as humans were so quick
Speaker 2: to judge someone's experience and how we deal with it,
Speaker 2: and then when you go through something close to that,
Speaker 2: you realize how none of that mental faculty or reasoning
Speaker 2: even comes close to helping you deal with any of that,
Speaker 2: because the emotion is so strong and so overriding that
Speaker 2: you don't have that function in your brain that you
Speaker 2: had before something like that happened.
Speaker 1: Your brain chemistry literally changes.
Speaker 2: The hardest thing is your loss and what you're going
Speaker 2: through in love and the life you had and wanting
Speaker 2: it back. But then you're also managing this your career,
Speaker 2: which also has this public perception on it. How did
Speaker 2: everyone find out and how did that kind of go
Speaker 2: into a conversation there.
Speaker 1: When I first got the news that Trigg had fallen
Speaker 1: in the pool and went to the hospital. I mean,
Speaker 1: my mind was any anywhere, But what are people going
Speaker 1: to say? I wasn't even in a mental space. I
Speaker 1: was only focused on him, and so was our entire family.
Speaker 1: And I mean the news broke because I think because
Speaker 1: news cars started showing up, people started putting together that
Speaker 1: my house was my house. I mean little things I think,
Speaker 1: like that furniture matched in news video footage, and people
Speaker 1: started to put together that it was Trig based off
Speaker 1: of the descriptions that were being given. But I hadn't
Speaker 1: even thought that far yet. So when I found out
Speaker 1: that it had become public and that people were wondering
Speaker 1: what had happened, I mean, we're still wondering what, like
Speaker 1: what had happened In that moment. I didn't even have
Speaker 1: details really on what had happened. We were in the
Speaker 1: depths of just figuring out what Trigg need it and
Speaker 1: what we could do to help him. That's kind of
Speaker 1: how it broke, And from there it just became, I mean,
Speaker 1: a frenzy. To put it. At the least, it was crazy.
Speaker 1: But I was just so uninvolved in that at the
Speaker 1: time that it wasn't until after he had passed away
Speaker 1: that I think I really realized how big it was
Speaker 1: and how many people were talking about what had happened
Speaker 1: to him, and what.
Speaker 2: You're saying makes complete sense that of course, when you're
Speaker 2: going through something that tragic, you're just present there. Your
Speaker 2: mind is not anywhere else. Do you ever, in circumstances
Speaker 2: like this, ever find the answers that even help about
Speaker 2: what happened and how it felt? Like do you even
Speaker 2: get there? Because it almost feels like when these things happen,
Speaker 2: there no, it's almost like there's no answer that can
Speaker 2: heal or suit or solve because it's just pain.
Speaker 1: There really is no answer for why it happened. At
Speaker 1: the end of the day, it happened because there were
Speaker 1: precautions that we didn't take. I'm a very logical person
Speaker 1: and I go based off the facts, and that's what
Speaker 1: I I had to do the entire time that we
Speaker 1: were in the hospital, getting information everything. And there's no
Speaker 1: answer for why he's not here. That's some bigger thing
Speaker 1: or a lesson or anything. There's nothing. It's we should
Speaker 1: have protected him better, and that's why it happened.
Speaker 2: What broke my heart beyond learning about your story as
Speaker 2: I was preparing for our conversation, today and to be
Speaker 2: with you was some of the reaction online, And of
Speaker 2: course I want to talk about both, because I think
Speaker 2: the negative always gets more precedents than the positive, and
Speaker 2: so I want to talk to you about both because
Speaker 2: I think there was a lot of love and there
Speaker 2: was a lot of support, and I want to talk
Speaker 2: to you about that, and I want to hear about that.
Speaker 2: But the part that broke my heart was to see
Speaker 2: how when a human sees another human, whether we know
Speaker 2: you or don't, and for those who follow you, they
Speaker 2: know you extremely well to already know that someone's going
Speaker 2: through something that is the worst thing that a parent
Speaker 2: could ever go through, to then have their own opinion,
Speaker 2: commentary verdict on it feels heartless and painful in a
Speaker 2: way that I can't understand why our human mind would
Speaker 2: even go there. Let's talk about some of the support
Speaker 2: you felt from people online.
Speaker 1: When I came back, I honestly was fully preparing myself
Speaker 1: for any reaction I was possibly going to get. I
Speaker 1: was just so deeply craving I think a sense of
Speaker 1: normalcy and when you're grieving and when you go through something,
Speaker 1: any sort of loss, Honestly, I think that that's what
Speaker 1: a lot of us grip onto is how can I
Speaker 1: find any sense of normalcy in my life to get
Speaker 1: me through the day. For me, that kind of was
Speaker 1: starting to slowly return to my job that I love
Speaker 1: so much, which nothing could have prepared me for the
Speaker 1: support that I received. I was really just emotional and
Speaker 1: blown away and just so grateful. And I very often
Speaker 1: feel very undeserving just because of how sad and honestly
Speaker 1: guilty I feel, and sad for Trigg that he's not here.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I feel undeserving of like how are we able
Speaker 1: to still in the best way we can go on
Speaker 1: with our lives. And I'm just really grateful that I
Speaker 1: had so many people that were just there for me.
Speaker 1: My community kind of just said, however, slow you want
Speaker 1: to take it, whatever you choose to share, you can
Speaker 1: share it. That's kind of what I prepared myself returning
Speaker 1: was with the boundaries of I will just share what
Speaker 1: I'm comfortable with, because I would rather be ripped upon
Speaker 1: or for what I don't share and for not sharing enough,
Speaker 1: then share too much of the pain and the heartbreak
Speaker 1: and the thoughts that I go through every day and
Speaker 1: be judged for that. It's just it's too much.
Speaker 2: I appreciate you sharing the added layer of the emotional
Speaker 2: toll of experiencing loss, then experiencing grief, getting support, but
Speaker 2: then actually feeling guilty and a little bit of shame
Speaker 2: to even experience that support. And it's the emotional toll
Speaker 2: of all of those extremely difficult emotions to carry all
Speaker 2: at the same time. It's all the time that's really
Speaker 2: heavy for you to, you know, just to hold all
Speaker 2: of those at the same time.
Speaker 1: I think people look at grief as stages or at
Speaker 1: some point it's going to end, the pain is going
Speaker 1: to end. We look at grief as this finish line.
Speaker 1: I feel like for a lot of people of I
Speaker 1: grieved for this amount of time or I was sad
Speaker 1: for this amount of time, and then that's not how
Speaker 1: it works. It's it's never ending. Your grief is going
Speaker 1: to be with you for the rest of your life.
Speaker 1: And very early on, we had so many amazing health
Speaker 1: professionals that helped us because we would not have even
Speaker 1: gotten too the mental place we are in now without
Speaker 1: those people. And I feel like, even though it was
Speaker 1: such a wait to hear at that time, of this
Speaker 1: is never gonna go away, like We're going through the
Speaker 1: darkest thing we could ever possibly go through, and we
Speaker 1: just lost our child. He's never coming back. And to
Speaker 1: hear that you're gonna feel this forever was it's it
Speaker 1: feels impossible. You're like, okay, so it's never gonna get better.
Speaker 1: I'm never gonna feel But that's when the other lessons
Speaker 1: come in of everything is going to coexist with the grief.
Speaker 1: You could feel joy and feel so much sadness at
Speaker 1: the exact same time. You can feel support while also
Speaker 1: feeling guilty. You can feel sad while also feeling reminiscent
Speaker 1: on the memories. So many feelings co exist, and that
Speaker 1: is forever. And I feel like the longer I have
Speaker 1: gotten into my grief journey, even though I'm not very
Speaker 1: far in it at all in the grand scheme of things,
Speaker 1: the more I've just really learned that that is how
Speaker 1: I have to go through my life. Of just I
Speaker 1: am allowed to feel whatever, Brady is allowed to feel whatever,
Speaker 1: my family is allowed to feel whatever. But it can
Speaker 1: all co exist. But the grief is never going away.
Speaker 2: You're completely right that that belief that we all have,
Speaker 2: or this hope that we all have, that there's a
Speaker 2: finish line. There's an endpoint, there's a turning point for
Speaker 2: moments like this. You're absolutely right, there is none. And
Speaker 2: that's the hardest thing and the most helpful thing in
Speaker 2: one because it's almost lying to ourselves, are lying to
Speaker 2: help others. Saying it will go away one day is
Speaker 2: actually worse because then you're just waiting for that day. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Or the stage of grief. You hear that all the time. Oh,
Speaker 1: there's stages of grief. Stages of grief were designed. And
Speaker 1: I actually learned this from Joeyannekatchatori, who's a doctor that
Speaker 1: we went to like very early on. We went to
Speaker 1: a few of her She owns a care farm kind
Speaker 1: of like a grief place for parents who have gone
Speaker 1: through child loss. And she just basically said, plain and simple,
Speaker 1: that's designed for elderly people who are at the end
Speaker 1: of life, of the stages of accepting that your life
Speaker 1: is going to end. That is not made for parents
Speaker 1: who have lost their child because there are no stages.
Speaker 1: It is never ending. You could be in one stage
Speaker 1: at some point and then at the next point you're
Speaker 1: in the complete opposite stage, and you just have to
Speaker 1: accept that. You have to feel what you feel when
Speaker 1: it comes, and that is just how you have to
Speaker 1: go about it forever.
Speaker 2: You said that there was a part of you that
Speaker 2: obviously took a break, obviously after all of this, and
Speaker 2: the only reason you went back was to experience normalcy
Speaker 2: and you know, just getting into some routine and rhythm
Speaker 2: for your life, which is always encouraged and when people
Speaker 2: go through difficult things to feel just like you're moving
Speaker 2: your body, You're you know, helping yourself, You're going back
Speaker 2: to doing things that felt familiar. How hard was it
Speaker 2: to even go back to doing that.
Speaker 1: We were, I mean obviously barely able to get out
Speaker 1: of bed, barely able to get up and brush our teeth.
Speaker 1: I was. We were not in a position to even
Speaker 1: take care of our younger child. I'm so grateful for
Speaker 1: the support and the family we had around us, because
Speaker 1: we just could not have done it. I mean when
Speaker 1: we were first going through it, and I was five
Speaker 1: weeks postpartum, so I wasn't even in a headspace to
Speaker 1: get into a routine at all. I was still trying
Speaker 1: to get used to having two kids. My dad was
Speaker 1: actually who came to me and was like, em, you
Speaker 1: gotta move your body. My stepmom actually teaches pilates on
Speaker 1: the side, and he would just have her come over
Speaker 1: and help me. I would go on walks. But even
Speaker 1: at that beginning, when we first lost him, we weren't
Speaker 1: even leaving our house because we had people driving by
Speaker 1: taking videos, helicopters going over our house, news were showing
Speaker 1: up constantly. I was basically just in my home and
Speaker 1: I didn't want to be anywhere else in terms of
Speaker 1: I just want to be in my bed. At that time,
Speaker 1: it felt impossible to get back into any sort of routine.
Speaker 1: But then at some point I think I felt like
Speaker 1: I don't have any other choice. I have to. I
Speaker 1: have to be the best version of myself that I
Speaker 1: can manage right now, for Trigg, for my younger son Teddy,
Speaker 1: for myself, for Brady, Like I have to. It's not
Speaker 1: a choice.
Speaker 2: I've never had that experience around what you're saying, around
Speaker 2: the news teams and the helicopters and the is there
Speaker 2: a sense of like setting boundaries in that way, like
Speaker 2: can can you be like don't come? It feels so invasive,
Speaker 2: like it just feels it's almost like this is a
Speaker 2: really tough, tragic time for someone, and I just I
Speaker 2: don't understand why that would, you know, It's yeah, it's
Speaker 2: fascinating to me as humans have normalized that.
Speaker 1: I think I've really mentally blocked out so much of
Speaker 1: that because I was just so focused on what we
Speaker 1: were dealing with inside of our home that my mind
Speaker 1: wasn't even really there. But but I think back in
Speaker 1: I had PTSD pretty much from so many things. But
Speaker 1: hearing helicopters still go over my house, I'm constantly like, Oh,
Speaker 1: is that going to end up on the news? It
Speaker 1: was completely invasive.
Speaker 2: Yeah, when people talk about or commentate on events that
Speaker 2: they don't have the full details over or the actual
Speaker 2: insight over from the inside, what were the kind of
Speaker 2: things you were hearing that were hurtful and kind of
Speaker 2: dehumanizing to some degree as well, because when someone's far
Speaker 2: away from the problem but commentating on it without understanding it,
Speaker 2: what were the things that you were hearing or things
Speaker 2: that you saw that really affected you.
Speaker 1: At the end of the day, it's hard hearing anything
Speaker 1: that beats you up more than you're already beating yourself up.
Speaker 1: Nobody could say I really try to not focus on
Speaker 1: the negative, because nobody could say anything and I've heard
Speaker 1: a lot of things to Brady and I that would
Speaker 1: make us feel any more hurt than how we already
Speaker 1: feel not having him here. Nothing. When you lose your child,
Speaker 1: you really don't care about anything else besides doing your
Speaker 1: best to get through it. And there's not even a
Speaker 1: through it. You don't get through it doing your best
Speaker 1: to move forward. I guess caring for your family. Like
Speaker 1: I said, I have a younger son, so that was
Speaker 1: also just a huge and stays a huge motivation for
Speaker 1: me of I have to keep going for him. I mean,
Speaker 1: just nobody could say anything that would ever hurt us
Speaker 1: more than we're already hurting. But it's hard. Obviously I'm
Speaker 1: a human. It's hard to hear people make their own assumptions,
Speaker 1: their own conclusions, draw their conclusions about Brady, draw their
Speaker 1: conclusions about me as a parent. But at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, I just have to remember that these
Speaker 1: people don't know me, and they're never going to know
Speaker 1: me on a deep level, because that's impossible. Nobody's ever
Speaker 1: going to know you on the deepest level as the
Speaker 1: people who love you and truly know your heart and
Speaker 1: know you. And I think, if anything, I find kind
Speaker 1: of peace in that of the people who know us
Speaker 1: know us. That's really the only people you genuinely need
Speaker 1: in your life and that you need to understand you
Speaker 1: is the people who know you and love you. And
Speaker 1: everyone's entitled to their opinion. I think that's a hard lesson.
Speaker 1: I've had to learn so much. At the beginning, I
Speaker 1: felt so much anger towards the public, and I mean
Speaker 1: I still do. I think I have every right to,
Speaker 1: but I also put myself in the shoes of Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: I would probably do the same thing and have assumptions
Speaker 1: and have opinions and have thoughts about what happened. And naturally,
Speaker 1: I think it's natural human reaction to want to put
Speaker 1: blame on someone. It's the only way that you can
Speaker 1: come up with a logical reason of why it happened
Speaker 1: or how it happened is to place blame. And I
Speaker 1: think in some ways it makes people feel better. I mean,
Speaker 1: I can't fully blame people.
Speaker 2: The part that really connected or resonated at least with me,
Speaker 2: was this idea that you're already beating yourself up enough inside,
Speaker 2: and you're already hurting enough inside that there's nothing anyone
Speaker 2: could say to you that could supersede that personal blame
Speaker 2: and personal responsibility or pain that you're putting on yourself
Speaker 2: when you've gone through something like you have, and that
Speaker 2: what else would you like people who may be filling
Speaker 2: in the gaps with their own commentary or as you said,
Speaker 2: allowed to have their opinion, and what would you like
Speaker 2: to say to what would you like them to know
Speaker 2: from your perspective.
Speaker 1: I could say a list of things that I wish
Speaker 1: people knew, or a list of things that I feel
Speaker 1: like we're said wrong or assumed wrong or facts, but
Speaker 1: it just really doesn't matter. I feel like all that
Speaker 1: matters that I want people to know is just how
Speaker 1: much we love Trig and how much we miss him,
Speaker 1: and how trust me, we beat ourselves up every day.
Speaker 1: We know what we could have done differently. Hindsight really
Speaker 1: is twenty twenty, and I promise you there are so
Speaker 1: many things now looking back that I wish we did differently.
Speaker 1: The only thing I can do to honor Trig and
Speaker 1: to show my love for him is take care of
Speaker 1: Teddy and hopefully help to spread awareness and do my
Speaker 1: best to make it so that hopefully less families have
Speaker 1: to go through through what we've gone through. I would
Speaker 1: love to say that I can do my best to
Speaker 1: make sure this never happens again, but drowning is the
Speaker 1: leading cause of death in children three and under. I
Speaker 1: feel like there's groups of people who hear about it often,
Speaker 1: but it's not talked about enough. And I really want
Speaker 1: to make an effort, especially going into this year, and
Speaker 1: especially being where I am in my grief journey of
Speaker 1: I feel a little more ready. I think I've finally
Speaker 1: accepted that this is what took his life. I really
Speaker 1: just want people to know that this is preventable and
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to happen to you, And I mean
Speaker 1: that goes for so many preventable accidents. That's what I
Speaker 1: really think matters. That people need to know. There's nothing
Speaker 1: I can say that's going to change people's minds, and
Speaker 1: I'm not here to do that.
Speaker 2: When you say it took Q eight months to even
Speaker 2: accept that this was what tragically took his life, what
Speaker 2: were you wrestling with? What were you grappling with and
Speaker 2: order to accept that? What does that look like?
Speaker 1: I don't think I'll ever fully accept what happened to him,
Speaker 1: because although it was preventable, it just feels so cruel
Speaker 1: and especially that night and the way things happened, it
Speaker 1: really felt just like a series of you know, you
Speaker 1: play it back and you're like, how did I go
Speaker 1: wrong there? And why did I leave? And why did
Speaker 1: this happen? Why did that happen? It's hindsight. You go
Speaker 1: back and you replay and think what could I do differently?
Speaker 1: What could I change? I just think that's kind of
Speaker 1: the process. You just have to go through that, just
Speaker 1: replaying it, to be honest, just over and over again,
Speaker 1: thinking about all the things that we could have done differently,
Speaker 1: thinking about the things that we will do differently. And
Speaker 1: I don't really know if I have an answer for
Speaker 1: how you accept it. I think everybody does it in
Speaker 1: their own time. But I don't think I'll ever really
Speaker 1: accept that he's gone. I don't think I'll ever really
Speaker 1: accept what took his life, because it is just so
Speaker 1: terrible and the pain that he went through is so terrible.
Speaker 1: But I'm just doing my best, and like I said,
Speaker 1: I don't think I'll ever fully accept it, but I
Speaker 1: acknowledge it, and I know that I can just only
Speaker 1: do better from here.
Speaker 2: What kind of professionals did you go to. What did
Speaker 2: they talk about for people who may be going through
Speaker 2: something similar or struggling who are listening right now, And
Speaker 2: I think we're not even aware of the fact of
Speaker 2: how many people are suffering with something similar. We're not
Speaker 2: conscious of it until it happens within your proximity. What
Speaker 2: were some of the therapies, the methods or the healing
Speaker 2: practices and approaches that actually helped.
Speaker 1: When we first lost Trig pretty much immediately within about
Speaker 1: two weeks of us getting home, it was very quickly
Speaker 1: my family found out through other people who had suffered
Speaker 1: through child loss, which I'm so grateful for the amount
Speaker 1: of resources that even though they weren't directly reached out
Speaker 1: to me because I was not on my phone, I
Speaker 1: was not on social media, I didn't even have a phone.
Speaker 1: Just for our mental health of like, you do not
Speaker 1: need to look at anything, You need to just focus
Speaker 1: on yourself and your family. We immediately after about two weeks,
Speaker 1: went to the care farm that I was kind of mentioning,
Speaker 1: and they use animal therapy just basically interacting with animals.
Speaker 1: You speak with health professionals while you're there, licensed therapists,
Speaker 1: licensed doctors. They're not there to heal you. Nothing's going
Speaker 1: to be able to heal you. They're there so that
Speaker 1: they can teach you the best tools, and I feel
Speaker 1: like that's where I really learned that it's never going
Speaker 1: to go away, that I have to just coexist with
Speaker 1: this forever, that the pain, the hurt, the heartbreak is
Speaker 1: never gonna go away. It's just gonna hopefully become a
Speaker 1: little more manageable. I can't shout out my family enough.
Speaker 1: They truly are what have carried us through this. They
Speaker 1: got us in with therapists, great grief therapists that specialize
Speaker 1: in loss and child loss. We're in couples counseling weekly.
Speaker 1: We've just been doing as much work as we can
Speaker 1: because there was nothing else we could do. I give
Speaker 1: so much credit to anybody who works in that space
Speaker 1: because I cannot imagine the weight that they carry, hearing
Speaker 1: the amount of things that they do, the heartbreak, the stories.
Speaker 1: I've talked to my husband about this before. Of I
Speaker 1: cannot imagine two parents coming into you telling you what
Speaker 1: they've been through and you having to try your best
Speaker 1: to either guide them together or or help them heal
Speaker 1: a little bit, talk them through it, or if they
Speaker 1: choose to be a part helping them through that in
Speaker 1: an amicable way. That has to be one of the
Speaker 1: hardest jobs. Yeah, you guys are doing really important work.
Speaker 2: Did you meet and spend time with other parents who'd
Speaker 2: also gone through child loss? Was that helpful? Was that
Speaker 2: not helpful? Was it? Did it feel too close to home?
Speaker 1: Like I've had a couple moms that I've talked to
Speaker 1: that have been through some similar things, and that has
Speaker 1: been helpful. But at the same time, I think that really,
Speaker 1: unless you talk to someone that is going through the
Speaker 1: exact same thing at the level of exposure that we did,
Speaker 1: it really just felt like there's nobody to talk to
Speaker 1: who is going to relate to what I'm going through
Speaker 1: right now, what we're going through, what Trig went through,
Speaker 1: Like I just it really felt impossible. And so I
Speaker 1: really haven't gotten to a point yet where I've reached
Speaker 1: out to support groups. But in the future, when I
Speaker 1: feel like a little bit more time has passed, I
Speaker 1: think I would feel more ready to do that.
Speaker 2: What does a good day look like right now? A
Speaker 2: good day your definition of one? And what does a
Speaker 2: bad day look like right now when you're experiencing this grief?
Speaker 1: I honestly don't really define my days by if it's
Speaker 1: a good day or a bad day. I truly like
Speaker 1: I cannot stress enough that when you're going through child
Speaker 1: loss or you're going through loss in general, you're really
Speaker 1: just living minute by minute. I can't even think about
Speaker 1: my whole day when I wake up in the morning,
Speaker 1: I truly just go through it like, Okay, I'm going
Speaker 1: to get done what I can get done today. I'm
Speaker 1: going to do what I can do. It's kind of
Speaker 1: two scales. Your grief is on a scale of one
Speaker 1: to ten, and then your level of managing it is
Speaker 1: on a scale of one to ten. If my grief
Speaker 1: feels like an eight that day, but my level of
Speaker 1: managing is a ten, that's that's a goodish day for me.
Speaker 1: If I'm having more moments throughout the day where I
Speaker 1: just can't do what I need to do, I'm okay
Speaker 1: with that too. But I would say just every day,
Speaker 1: I truly wake up like, whatever, however this day goes,
Speaker 1: whatever is thrown at me, I'll get through it, and
Speaker 1: I literally just have to take it as it comes.
Speaker 2: Not even sure just how much you know how powerful
Speaker 2: that advice is. It's so much better than our basic
Speaker 2: acknowledgment of whether it's a good day or a bad day,
Speaker 2: because what you just said is the reality of Okay,
Speaker 2: grief is on a scale of one to ten of
Speaker 2: how much the extremity I'm feeling it, and then what's
Speaker 2: my ability to manage it.
Speaker 1: There's not good and bad days. It's good and bad moments,
Speaker 1: and that's what makes up your days. Every day is hard.
Speaker 1: Every day is quote unquote bad. Without him here, it's terrible.
Speaker 1: But I still have good moments in my day. And
Speaker 1: I would be lying if I said that I don't
Speaker 1: still have some joy and some happiness. My younger son
Speaker 1: brings me so much joy and so much happiness, but
Speaker 1: I'm also simultaneously sad and empty. And that's why I
Speaker 1: just say, you really have to learn, and you quickly
Speaker 1: do learn that everything coexists and that's just the way
Speaker 1: it is.
Speaker 2: Sharing your life, sharing your journey, sharing everything online is
Speaker 2: your work, even though it may be joyful and fun
Speaker 2: in moments that it's still work. What has it been
Speaker 2: like going back to work while still grieving, and what
Speaker 2: do people misunderstand about that.
Speaker 1: I've had to set kind of, like I said at
Speaker 1: the beginning, a lot of boundaries of just really taking
Speaker 1: it day by day of whatever I'm comfortable sharing, I'll share,
Speaker 1: and if I'm not comfortable, I'm not sharing it. And
Speaker 1: it's hard seeing people genuinely say, oh, you're fine, Oh
Speaker 1: you've already gotten over it. Oh you seem like you're
Speaker 1: doing great. It's like, this is my job going through it.
Speaker 1: Like a job. At any job, you have to show up,
Speaker 1: you have certain expectations that have to be met. And
Speaker 1: it's also a creative outlet for me. So naturally, sometimes
Speaker 1: when I'm doing my job, i am in an okay
Speaker 1: headspace and I'm just doing my best to kind of
Speaker 1: distract myself and get through it. But that is not
Speaker 1: a representation of my whole day or my grief. Social
Speaker 1: media shouldn't be anyone's representation of anything, because at the
Speaker 1: end of the day, it's always even if you share
Speaker 1: the good, the bad, the hard, it's what you're choosing
Speaker 1: to share. Always, unless someone had a twenty four hour
Speaker 1: camera going, you'll just never understand what it's like inside
Speaker 1: someone's brain who's lost a child. Yeah, I also can't
Speaker 1: fault people for that because you're seeing what I'm choosing
Speaker 1: to show you, and so I really do accept in
Speaker 1: a way, and it's taken me time, the hate that
Speaker 1: I get, the feedback that I get, because I don't
Speaker 1: expect people to understand. They never will understand. I would
Speaker 1: rather share quote unquote not enough in their eyes, or
Speaker 1: I would rather look quote unquote not sad enough or
Speaker 1: whatever their expectation is, and feel like I'm protecting myself
Speaker 1: and my family and my inner, deepest, darkest parts of
Speaker 1: my grief and save that for the people, the professionals
Speaker 1: that are truly going to understand and be able to
Speaker 1: walk me and talk me through it and support me.
Speaker 2: People on social media can't be your therapist and can't
Speaker 2: be your guides and can't be.
Speaker 1: And they shouldn't be.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not their role. Yeah, exactly what you just said.
Speaker 2: It's a great mindset to have to understand that that's
Speaker 2: not their role and that there are people that you're
Speaker 2: seeing in order to experience that. And at the same time,
Speaker 2: I do really really wish for the world that, especially
Speaker 2: in moments that are not divisive, it's easier to be kinder.
Speaker 2: We've talked about you being someone who's gone through extreme loss,
Speaker 2: grief and going through guilt, shame, then there's the added
Speaker 2: component of your work. But then there's the added component
Speaker 2: of parenting while you're also grieving the loss of a child.
Speaker 2: Talk to me about that particular type of grief.
Speaker 1: I've gone through so many different emotions with parenting since
Speaker 1: we lost Trig and just being completely honest, feeling not
Speaker 1: good enough, feeling unfit, feeling like, feeling scared. Losing a
Speaker 1: child really shows you, in the scariest, most real way possible,
Speaker 1: just how quickly life can change and how quickly life
Speaker 1: can be literally taken away. And I think that really
Speaker 1: scared me with Teddy. There's so many things in my
Speaker 1: control that I can do, preventative measures, I can take,
Speaker 1: ways I can be better. I mean, there's a list
Speaker 1: of things as a parent that you can do to
Speaker 1: protect your children. But there's also so many stories and
Speaker 1: stories that I heard after we lost Trigg where I
Speaker 1: was like, that was completely freak accident, not preventable, And
Speaker 1: that's an element that's been hard and parenting him is
Speaker 1: realizing that there's only so much I can control. I
Speaker 1: always tried to remind myself that I have a choice
Speaker 1: to make. I can either let this completely derail me
Speaker 1: more than it already has and not really feel like
Speaker 1: I'm fit or able to take care of my younger
Speaker 1: son or I can do everything in my power to
Speaker 1: be the best mom I possibly can for him and
Speaker 1: give him the same love that Trigg had and has.
Speaker 1: And I made a promise to Trig right before we
Speaker 1: lost him, that I was going to take care of Teddy.
Speaker 1: That was actually like my final promised him was like,
Speaker 1: I will take care of your brother, because at that
Speaker 1: time I felt like I couldn't. It really just was
Speaker 1: too much. It felt I couldn't even take care of myself.
Speaker 1: But that has kept me going of I made a promise,
Speaker 1: I'm going to fulfill it, and I'm gonna give Teddy
Speaker 1: the best life I possibly can, and that means showing
Speaker 1: up for him, showing up for myself, doing everything I
Speaker 1: possibly can too make sure that that happens. This is
Speaker 1: actually something that didn't make me really sad when we
Speaker 1: lost Trigg. Was so many people naturally said, oh, Teddy's
Speaker 1: going to have such terrible life. He's never going to
Speaker 1: have the same parents that he did. So many comments,
Speaker 1: and it's true, he's never going to have the same parents'
Speaker 1: trick has we are fundamentally changed by this, but I
Speaker 1: will be even better, And I think I almost took
Speaker 1: that as motivation of I will give him the best
Speaker 1: life I possibly can. I will be the best mom
Speaker 1: I possibly can to him.
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry to go through that as well. I
Speaker 2: really love what you're saying. You were accepting that you
Speaker 2: will be that you are fundamentally different, but that doesn't
Speaker 2: mean you can't be better and can't give more love,
Speaker 2: and those two things again can coexist. That you have changed,
Speaker 2: that you are different, that you won't ever be the
Speaker 2: same person that you were before, naturally, but that doesn't
Speaker 2: take away from the fact that you absolutely love Teddy
Speaker 2: and want to give him the best life that he
Speaker 2: could possibly have. When I was thinking about today and
Speaker 2: thinking about a conversation, I was just thinking about all
Speaker 2: the multiple layers of lost grief pain that exists in
Speaker 2: someone's experience, and I think the other part of pain
Speaker 2: for you is having to go through grief while someone
Speaker 2: else is grieving too. Talk to me about how it
Speaker 2: feels for you grieving while the person that you're parenting
Speaker 2: with is also grieving.
Speaker 1: We've really done our best to grieve together and to
Speaker 1: talk through every emotion and every feeling, and I really
Speaker 1: give pretty so much empathy and respect, have so much
Speaker 1: respect for him, honestly, and I think that would maybe
Speaker 1: shock people, but he has allowed me to take out
Speaker 1: every emotion I've had throughout this process, whether it's on
Speaker 1: him or talking to him or with other people, and
Speaker 1: I just have so much respect for that of how
Speaker 1: much he has just let me feel every emotion and
Speaker 1: he's never made me feel bad for it. He's going
Speaker 1: through so much as well, and like I said, we
Speaker 1: are the only two people that can understand at all
Speaker 1: what the other person is going through. And so I
Speaker 1: just really in a situation where a lot of people
Speaker 1: would say I could never forgive my husband, I could
Speaker 1: never stay married to him, I could never this that
Speaker 1: the other He let me feel all of those emotions.
Speaker 1: It's been really hard at times to grieve together. To
Speaker 1: be honest, there was a time where I was just
Speaker 1: I mean from the beginning, so I felt so angry
Speaker 1: at him. Of literally I don't know if I will
Speaker 1: ever forgive this man. But I think the biggest thing
Speaker 1: that really kind of altered literally my brain chemistry and
Speaker 1: the way I thought about it was this could have
Speaker 1: just as easily happened to me, This could have just
Speaker 1: as easily been me and Brady's position. Brady was taking
Speaker 1: care of our newborn child when I left for dinner
Speaker 1: that night. He was dethawing my breast milk, trying to
Speaker 1: get Teddy settled, five week old baby. And that doesn't
Speaker 1: excuse anything. It doesn't excuse what happened, It doesn't excuse
Speaker 1: any of this series of events after that. But taking
Speaker 1: that accountability, along with all the other things I know
Speaker 1: I could have changed, gave me so much true, deep, real,
Speaker 1: raw empathy for him. Of this could have been me,
Speaker 1: even if I got to a point where I could
Speaker 1: not stay married to him, even if I accepted that,
Speaker 1: of if there is a chance that we don't stay together.
Speaker 1: This was when we first lost Trigg that I felt
Speaker 1: this way I would be able to forgive him because
Speaker 1: I would so deeply want him to forgive me and
Speaker 1: to know that I didn't mean for it to happen.
Speaker 1: And that's exactly how I feel for Brady. I really
Speaker 1: just have so much empathy and love for him, and
Speaker 1: he is so strong, and I'm really proud of us honestly,
Speaker 1: and how we've grieved together through all the therapy we've
Speaker 1: done that, I feel like we've really been given tools
Speaker 1: that even though our grief is so separate, we have
Speaker 1: really done our best to come together and even if
Speaker 1: we grieve separately at times, and we each have our moments,
Speaker 1: because I think that's healthy too. You naturally don't sit
Speaker 1: and really all the time grieve with your partner. You do,
Speaker 1: but there's so many moments throughout the day where you
Speaker 1: guys are feeling different emotions at a ten, ones at
Speaker 1: an eight, and it's not each other's job to balance
Speaker 1: it out. Your job is to let your partner feel
Speaker 1: what they need to feel and then be there for
Speaker 1: them through every emotion. And I'm really proud of us
Speaker 1: that I feel like we've done that and just done
Speaker 1: our best, truly to really remember that all we have
Speaker 1: is each other in terms of understanding what we've been
Speaker 1: through and how much we love and miss him.
Speaker 2: Thank you for being so transparent about the reality of
Speaker 2: every emotion that any human would feel naturally in that situation,
Speaker 2: and even the resolution that you've personally come to where
Speaker 2: it being the respect and the empathy and the understanding
Speaker 2: You've got such a big heart. It just goes such
Speaker 2: a big up. It's actually really extremely healing listening to you,
Speaker 2: because it's something we're all working on in our own
Speaker 2: way with the people closest to us. You're just working
Speaker 2: on it in the most extreme way. I'm happy and
Speaker 2: thankful that you feel that way with each other, and
Speaker 2: that you've been able to express every feeling and be
Speaker 2: every version of yourself and even allow yourself to have
Speaker 2: the thought of can I forgive? Is this going to work?
Speaker 2: And then finding resolution through that. And I'm assuming that
Speaker 2: there's been times when you've needed to rely on each other,
Speaker 2: as you said, because you're the only ones you can
Speaker 2: understand in times when you've needed to rely on family.
Speaker 1: Beyond that, my husband really is the only person, one
Speaker 1: of the only people besides licensed professionals, that I really
Speaker 1: feel comfortable feeling every emotion of grief. I think that's
Speaker 1: natural because we raise Trig, we love him with every
Speaker 1: fiber of our being. That's the only possible person that's
Speaker 1: going to understand the love and the mist and the
Speaker 1: hurt and the heartbreak and the void of losing your child,
Speaker 1: and so naturally we have the most deep, profound emotional
Speaker 1: conversations with each other, because it's usually us coming together
Speaker 1: about how much we miss him, or a memory that
Speaker 1: made us think of him that day, or just all
Speaker 1: the conflicting emotions of what happened and what we've been
Speaker 1: through and the feelings that we feel. I would hope
Speaker 1: and I think I'm the same way for him. Is
Speaker 1: we're really the only two people that we feel like
Speaker 1: we can truly be open and vulnerable with on that
Speaker 1: level every day?
Speaker 2: Have you found that helpful to talk about Drigg naturally
Speaker 2: whenever he comes to both of your minds?
Speaker 1: And now I love to talk about him. It obviously
Speaker 1: makes me sad, but he truly was and is such
Speaker 1: a light And although so many people didn't get the
Speaker 1: literal honor of meeting him, anyone he came across in
Speaker 1: his life. I mean, we still have his teachers reach
Speaker 1: out to us and they're like, we love him so much,
Speaker 1: and this reminded us of him today, And yeah, it's
Speaker 1: really helpful. I from the beginning, Brady and I told
Speaker 1: our families like, I never want a world and I
Speaker 1: never want Teddy to grow up in a world where
Speaker 1: this is an avoided conversation. Because even though it's a
Speaker 1: hard conversation and it leads to a bigger conversation. I'm
Speaker 1: sure Teddy's gonna have so many questions as he gets older.
Speaker 1: I never want a world where people don't talk about him,
Speaker 1: and I feel the same way for sometimes negativity talked
Speaker 1: about us surrounding him. Of if you're talking about him
Speaker 1: and you're spreading awareness, really that's all that matters to me.
Speaker 1: I just don't want him to ever be forgotten, and
Speaker 1: he won't be and having daily conversations in our house.
Speaker 1: I've added so many photos around our house of him
Speaker 1: because I just want his face to be everywhere, and
Speaker 1: I don't want it to ever be something that Teddy
Speaker 1: or anybody is ever questioning what he looks like or
Speaker 1: who he is. We've really made an effort that he's
Speaker 1: constantly brought up. My friends know it too. If I
Speaker 1: see something that reminds me of him, I'm always like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, Trick would have loved that, or this
Speaker 1: is what he would be saying, because he really just
Speaker 1: was such a funny kid and so loving and just
Speaker 1: the best. And I know everyone says that about their kid,
Speaker 1: but he was just the best.
Speaker 2: When you lose someone, you so deeply love, what a
Speaker 2: for you? Hurtful things people say and what a helpful
Speaker 2: things people say.
Speaker 1: It's a good question.
Speaker 2: So I think when people lose someone, no one knows
Speaker 2: really what to say.
Speaker 1: I think one of the most hurtful and confusing things
Speaker 1: people can say is anything in the realm, And everyone
Speaker 1: has their own beliefs, but anything in the realm of
Speaker 1: he's in a better place, or this is just what
Speaker 1: was supposed to happen, because it wasn't it was preventable,
Speaker 1: it wasn't supposed to happen. The best place he could
Speaker 1: be is here with his family, with his little brother
Speaker 1: growing up. That's the best place he could be. I
Speaker 1: think that's always hurtful and people kind of use it
Speaker 1: as a band aid of like he's in a better place.
Speaker 1: It's okay, No, he's not. This is a child that
Speaker 1: had an entire life ahead of him, so many memories,
Speaker 1: so many things that he was looking forward to, we
Speaker 1: were looking forward to. He didn't get to experience yet.
Speaker 1: So saying that to any parent who's gone through child loss,
Speaker 1: at least in my experience, is just very hurtful and unhelpful.
Speaker 1: That's the last thing a grieving parent wants to hear.
Speaker 1: All you want to hear when you lose your child
Speaker 1: is I'm so sorry, and he deserves to be here
Speaker 1: or they deserve to be here. And I wish you
Speaker 1: weren't having to go through this, and I wish he
Speaker 1: hadn't had to go through this. That's the only the
Speaker 1: only things that they don't help, but they make you
Speaker 1: feel loved and comforted.
Speaker 2: Emily, why have I not asked you today that you
Speaker 2: wish I did?
Speaker 1: The main thing I hope people can take away from
Speaker 1: what Trait went through and what our family went through,
Speaker 1: is just once again that it's preventable to please. If
Speaker 1: you have a pool and you have a young child,
Speaker 1: get a pool fence. I know there's other options. I
Speaker 1: was there. I chosen that. I regret it. Having as
Speaker 1: many barriers to entry is what's important. So that's swim lessons.
Speaker 1: That's ISR lessons. I have Teddy starting ISR as soon
Speaker 1: as he possibly can.
Speaker 2: What is ISR. Sorry for it.
Speaker 1: It's swim training for young children so that they can
Speaker 1: learn survival techniques, whether that's floating on their back. If
Speaker 1: they're too young to be able to swim, they usually
Speaker 1: teach them at fully closed so that they if they're
Speaker 1: in any situation, they can figure it out, and it
Speaker 1: just gives them the resources that there's time, there's more
Speaker 1: time for someone to come find them. The biggest lesson
Speaker 1: is always going to be watch your kids. Don't take
Speaker 1: your eye off them. I don't care what anybody says
Speaker 1: that's not one hundred percent realistic. Every parent gets distracted.
Speaker 1: Every parent has things that naturally you could be going
Speaker 1: to the bathroom, that you have a moment where your
Speaker 1: eyes and on your child. Make sure that you have
Speaker 1: every other barrier so that God forbid, something happens, you're
Speaker 1: able to act and they're not in a position where
Speaker 1: they can lose their life. And I really feel like
Speaker 1: that is the most important thing I hope people take
Speaker 1: away from what happened to Treg is just to please
Speaker 1: protect your kids.
Speaker 2: There were many reasons why I wanted to speak today.
Speaker 2: One was to truly get to understand what you've gone
Speaker 2: through and to expand our compassion and heart and empathy
Speaker 2: towards you and love towards you. And also just this
Speaker 2: wonderful service that you have and purpose that you have
Speaker 2: to want to make people aware using your loss and
Speaker 2: pain that you've gone through to actually help others and
Speaker 2: keep them aware, and I think is really really powerful
Speaker 2: that you've chosen to do that. A loss like this
Speaker 2: can make you want to be one hundred percent vigilant
Speaker 2: and one hundred percent like just never leave. You know
Speaker 2: Teddy's side in this scenario, And obviously that's not only
Speaker 2: not realistic, it's not possible.
Speaker 1: Obviously that's best case scenario. That's the whole point of
Speaker 1: any any sort of prevention or barriers or anything. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm specifically talking about poor safety, but that's not the
Speaker 1: only thing that can hurt children, that can affect them.
Speaker 1: That's actually a tool that you can use in your
Speaker 1: favor is knowing and being honest with yourself honestly of
Speaker 1: there is no possible way for me to always have
Speaker 1: my eye on them. And I know people might take
Speaker 1: that and be like, no, I have my eye on
Speaker 1: my child one hundred percent of the time. I don't know.
Speaker 1: You might think you do. But there's always lapses in judgment.
Speaker 1: There's always things that distract us in life. There's always
Speaker 1: things that can happen. And that's that's the biggest lesson
Speaker 1: is even if you think it will never happen to you.
Speaker 1: It can happen to you, it can None of us
Speaker 1: are special, none of us can control little, tiny choices
Speaker 1: and things that can make up the whole picture. It's
Speaker 1: hard when parenting. I did feel that, and I do
Speaker 1: feel that still of I never want to take my
Speaker 1: eye off of him, and I will do my best,
Speaker 1: everything in my power to make sure I am always
Speaker 1: there when he needs me. But as a parent, you
Speaker 1: just can't. Sometimes you have to go to work or
Speaker 1: leave your child in someone else's care, and I mean
Speaker 1: the only thing you can do is trust, trust that
Speaker 1: you've done everything you can, they'll do everything they can.
Speaker 1: And I mean that's been a hard thing for me
Speaker 1: to process because it does feel, especially in those first
Speaker 1: few months, especially of I'm never I can't leave his side.
Speaker 1: But I also just have realized over time that's not realistic,
Speaker 1: it's not healthy, and I just have to trust that
Speaker 1: I'm going to do everything I can. I do know
Speaker 1: a mom who went through a very similar situation. About
Speaker 1: a month after we lost Trick, I talked to her
Speaker 1: for the first time and I asked her, are you
Speaker 1: so scared of water? Are you so scared of the pool?
Speaker 1: And her answer shocked me. That she was like, no,
Speaker 1: because I know that I will do everything I possibly
Speaker 1: can to make sure that that never happens again. And
Speaker 1: that just kind of again just rewired me where I
Speaker 1: was like, as much as you wish this never happened,
Speaker 1: as much as you're constantly overthinking everything you could have
Speaker 1: done differently, that's all you can do is change, be better,
Speaker 1: make sure it doesn't happen again. Same with other parents
Speaker 1: who they're not even going through it, they're bystanders or
Speaker 1: they're hearing about the story. That's all you can do
Speaker 1: is make sure it doesn't happen to you, because it can.
Speaker 1: And when it does happen to you, that's really what
Speaker 1: makes you realize, oh, this stuff can happen, and it
Speaker 1: does happen all the time. I mean, it will still
Speaker 1: scare you, but instead of letting that deter you, let
Speaker 1: it motivate you. That you know it can happen, So
Speaker 1: do everything you can, fight like hell to make sure
Speaker 1: that it doesn't happen again. Make sure that you have
Speaker 1: your kids in the swim lessons, make sure that you're
Speaker 1: a pool fence, make sure that you have a sensor
Speaker 1: in your pool, make sure that you have door alarms,
Speaker 1: make sure that you have automatic closers on your sliding doors,
Speaker 1: make sure the handles are high up enough, do everything
Speaker 1: you can so that it doesn't happen again.
Speaker 2: Genuinely, I'm just so sorry for your last and also
Speaker 2: just not only did Trig not deserve it, you didn't either,
Speaker 2: and neither did your family. And so I really hope
Speaker 2: that parents who listen to this will share it with others,
Speaker 2: and people who want to be parents will be thoughtful
Speaker 2: about these things and really thankful that you're using your
Speaker 2: voice and the challenges and struggle you've been through to
Speaker 2: help others because it's so important, it's so needed. So
Speaker 2: thank you, Emiie, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Thank you for giving me the platform. You have a
Speaker 1: larger platform than I do, and I'm really grateful that
Speaker 1: I'm able to be here and talk about all of
Speaker 1: these really important things, because I really do just hope
Speaker 1: it will get across more people and we'll be on
Speaker 1: their radar. And yeah, I'm just I'm really grateful that
Speaker 1: you had me here and that I got to talk
Speaker 1: to you. I was excited to talk to you and
Speaker 1: just kind of hear your perspectives on different things.
Speaker 2: And yeah, the beautiful lessons you've given us today and
Speaker 2: how grief never really goes away, how grief can coexist
Speaker 2: with joy, with love, with reminiscing, and how you want
Speaker 2: to continue to celebrate the light that triggers and continues
Speaker 2: to be in all the people that knew him and
Speaker 2: all the people that will continue to know him through
Speaker 2: his story. Yeah, and so thank you, Emiie, thank you,
Speaker 2: thank you so much.
Speaker 3: If you connected with today's episode, check out my raw
Speaker 3: and honest talk with the one and Only Cardi B.
Speaker 3: She opens up about overcoming depression and how she balanced
Speaker 3: rising of fame and creating a life for her children.
Speaker 2: Will you get tell me I'm a bad mom.
Speaker 1: I'm a great mom if I'm good at something as
Speaker 1: being a mom.