WEBVTT - Venus in Gemini 0:00:03.120 --> 0:00:05.960 Should it be an episode on relationships or is that 0:00:06.040 --> 0:00:08.720 too close to the sex episode? No, I think it's 0:00:08.760 --> 0:00:11.480 totally different. But the thing is, will you have anything 0:00:11.480 --> 0:00:16.759 to talk about? I'm just kidding. Oh my god, I'm 0:00:16.800 --> 0:00:28.960 just kidding. Wow. Uh. It's August, which, um you may 0:00:28.960 --> 0:00:31.240 not know. It is kind of just like a dead 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:33.880 time all around for a lot of people who work 0:00:33.920 --> 0:00:38.479 in media and especially freelancers. In its summer, and you know, 0:00:38.560 --> 0:00:40.760 we want to like have a little bit of a 0:00:40.880 --> 0:00:44.400 summer break. Although I mean in August, I'm actually going 0:00:44.440 --> 0:00:48.320 to be working just on different things. So so we're 0:00:48.479 --> 0:00:52.000 like a virgin LLC. That's actually that's not actually what 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:58.600 our l is. Loretta after Struck. Loretta LLC is taking 0:00:59.120 --> 0:01:04.120 some time off this August, and we so enjoyed recording 0:01:04.360 --> 0:01:09.840 our Girls Girling episodes in June and are still you know, 0:01:09.920 --> 0:01:12.800 apart and want to spend a little extra time together. 0:01:13.480 --> 0:01:16.360 So you're hearing this now in August, but we're recording 0:01:16.360 --> 0:01:20.040 it in July, and like those episodes in June, we're 0:01:20.080 --> 0:01:22.680 going to focus on one topic or theme that is 0:01:23.040 --> 0:01:26.319 not media or entertainment related and just kind of shoot 0:01:26.400 --> 0:01:30.440 the ship about that. Yes, so no cultural topic for today, 0:01:30.520 --> 0:01:36.199 but we were tasked by producer Phoebe to talk about relationships, 0:01:36.240 --> 0:01:40.039 and I believe the inciting question she's provided us is 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:45.800 why have all your romantic relationships failed? Which just goes 0:01:45.840 --> 0:01:50.280 to show that Phoebe um knows us very well and 0:01:50.480 --> 0:01:54.880 also is a bitch. I will, okay, so let me 0:01:54.920 --> 0:02:00.000 just caveat this because it's not necessarily inaccurate to say 0:02:00.000 --> 0:02:03.440 to ask why have all your romantic relationships failed? Because 0:02:04.360 --> 0:02:06.840 as far as relationships go, you and I have maybe 0:02:06.880 --> 0:02:10.520 not been in as many as the average girl, or 0:02:10.680 --> 0:02:15.120 maybe um just like don't prioritize or like market our 0:02:15.320 --> 0:02:19.160 lives through relationships the way some people do. But I 0:02:19.240 --> 0:02:21.560 will say, and also, neither of us are currently in 0:02:21.600 --> 0:02:26.679 a relationship, so you know, just by by you know, logic, 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:30.560 that means all of our previous relationships have failed because 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:33.240 none of them continue to endure. But I will say, 0:02:33.280 --> 0:02:35.680 just to be that girl, that I actually just don't 0:02:35.720 --> 0:02:39.560 feel like any of my relationships have been quote unquote failures. 0:02:39.840 --> 0:02:44.200 I I really believe in like love cycles. I believe 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:47.000 that like all relationships kind of teach me things and 0:02:47.160 --> 0:02:50.800 like give me something new, um and cult and I 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:55.440 do feel like I and the product. I think, like 0:02:55.800 --> 0:02:58.400 who I am today is the product of a lot 0:02:58.440 --> 0:03:01.480 of ex lovers and like it they have you know, 0:03:01.639 --> 0:03:03.840 given me or taught me in the time that I 0:03:03.919 --> 0:03:06.600 spent with them. So like when a relationship ends, I 0:03:06.600 --> 0:03:09.839 don't necessarily think of it as a failure. I think 0:03:09.840 --> 0:03:13.200 of it as the end of a love cycle. Um. 0:03:13.240 --> 0:03:15.840 And I don't know, I I yeah, I just wanted 0:03:15.880 --> 0:03:18.760 to copy at that. Okay, well, thank you for providing 0:03:18.800 --> 0:03:22.919 that context. Um. You know a lot of my relationships 0:03:22.960 --> 0:03:27.320 have failed because I wasn't exactly interested in them. Um. 0:03:27.680 --> 0:03:30.360 I as I've I've kind of like jokingly said on 0:03:30.400 --> 0:03:33.200 this podcast before, like that I think I might fall 0:03:33.280 --> 0:03:37.240 somewhere on the A romantic or demi romantic spectrum. And like, 0:03:37.320 --> 0:03:39.360 I don't know how true that is. I think, like 0:03:39.520 --> 0:03:41.920 for me defining it in that way, it's not super helpful. 0:03:42.040 --> 0:03:45.800 It's just like relationships have never been a huge priority 0:03:45.880 --> 0:03:53.680 for me. And I really love the beginning of a relationship. 0:03:53.800 --> 0:03:59.920 I love a crush, I love that feeling of obsession, 0:04:00.760 --> 0:04:05.000 and then as soon as my interest is returned, I 0:04:05.080 --> 0:04:07.800 lose it. Um. So that's kind of how all of 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:11.960 my relationships have mostly failed, and then also a lot 0:04:12.040 --> 0:04:16.120 of them have been just because what if that didn't happen. 0:04:17.520 --> 0:04:21.600 I got to the point where I wanted to like 0:04:21.720 --> 0:04:24.960 define what we were, and the other person and I 0:04:25.080 --> 0:04:27.600 were not on the same page. Either. I wanted to 0:04:27.640 --> 0:04:33.159 be you know, boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever, and the 0:04:33.200 --> 0:04:36.719 other person didn't or the other person did, and I 0:04:36.760 --> 0:04:41.280 was like, that's not what we are. I guess the 0:04:41.960 --> 0:04:46.160 biggest problem with all my romantic relationships has the through 0:04:46.160 --> 0:04:49.599 line has been just not being on the same page 0:04:49.680 --> 0:04:52.480 as the other person. You know, Like the last time 0:04:52.480 --> 0:04:57.880 I actually dated someone when it ended was when I said, like, 0:04:58.000 --> 0:05:01.200 so we've been dating for a while, do I call 0:05:01.279 --> 0:05:04.520 you my boyfriend? And the other person was like, oh, 0:05:04.560 --> 0:05:07.920 I didn't think that was something we were doing, which 0:05:07.960 --> 0:05:11.320 is like so gas lady, because like it's not just 0:05:11.360 --> 0:05:14.880 about words, like you show people through actions how you 0:05:14.920 --> 0:05:17.839 were defining your relationship. And this was someone who very 0:05:17.920 --> 0:05:21.080 much acted like my boyfriend. Yes, if you're playing house 0:05:21.160 --> 0:05:23.000 and doing all this ship, if you're if you're like 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:28.040 raking in on the emotional intimacy, like because he wanted 0:05:28.040 --> 0:05:30.400 me to like come over every night just to sleep. 0:05:30.560 --> 0:05:34.479 He like texted me every day. He wanted to like 0:05:34.520 --> 0:05:36.440 go out to dinner all the time. I guess maybe 0:05:36.440 --> 0:05:40.320 what pushed him over the edge was one time after 0:05:40.400 --> 0:05:42.680 we had sex, I set his call to Garson wallet 0:05:42.720 --> 0:05:47.159 on fire by accident. On accident. It was an accident. 0:05:47.279 --> 0:05:49.880 He had a hit a lit candle and I you know, 0:05:50.120 --> 0:05:52.640 knocked his wallet into it and it lit on fire. 0:05:53.480 --> 0:05:56.600 But he definitely was my boyfriend. And then when I 0:05:56.640 --> 0:05:59.080 was like, so, you're my boyfriend, right, he was like whoa. 0:05:58.560 --> 0:06:04.960 Whoa was such a huge red flag, an immediate chop um. 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:08.160 So I similarly, I have similar problems. I feel like 0:06:08.200 --> 0:06:10.520 I'm always not on the same page with like the 0:06:10.640 --> 0:06:14.880 romantic partners that I find, and um, I'm usually trying 0:06:14.920 --> 0:06:19.000 to keep things casual and they want something more. I'm 0:06:19.000 --> 0:06:21.159 trying to feel it out or take my time and 0:06:21.160 --> 0:06:23.160 and that's just not where they are. And that's usually 0:06:23.200 --> 0:06:26.760 a consequence of dating people that are younger than me, 0:06:26.880 --> 0:06:29.719 which happens all the time. But I will say my 0:06:29.760 --> 0:06:34.200 relationships usually start in kind of the inverse way. I 0:06:34.240 --> 0:06:39.520 cannot in any way develop a real crush on someone 0:06:39.960 --> 0:06:44.600 unless I have green light confirmation that they like me 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:48.120 or that they're into me, Like my crush, and I 0:06:48.160 --> 0:06:50.400 don't I don't know if this is like a really great, 0:06:50.520 --> 0:06:54.080 very healthy approach relationships or if it's just narcissism. But like, 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:59.760 I truly cannot find that you know, crushy feeling until 0:07:00.160 --> 0:07:02.960 it feels like a possibility for me, And I think 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:05.600 that kind of cuts me off from a lot of opportunities. Like, 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:09.039 but it's probably healthy. It is healthy. I mean, I'm 0:07:09.040 --> 0:07:11.680 grateful for it because I'm not like stuck, not since 0:07:11.760 --> 0:07:14.600 high school, at least not stuck like pining over people 0:07:14.640 --> 0:07:17.200 that aren't going to love me back um or aren't 0:07:17.240 --> 0:07:19.960 even gonna like, you know, think about think about me. 0:07:20.360 --> 0:07:23.400 But it also like cuts me off from opportunity because 0:07:23.840 --> 0:07:26.320 if I don't have a green light, if I don't 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:29.680 have like initial flirting or anything, which is really difficult 0:07:29.680 --> 0:07:31.320 for me to pick up on in the first place, 0:07:31.360 --> 0:07:34.840 like I just won't even consider you as a prospect um, 0:07:34.880 --> 0:07:38.520 And so I tend to play defense. And anybody that 0:07:38.600 --> 0:07:41.400 ever wants to get me, which has always always been 0:07:41.400 --> 0:07:44.480 true and probably will stay true, usually has to approach 0:07:44.520 --> 0:07:47.720 me first in sub capacity, you know. And I think 0:07:47.760 --> 0:07:50.800 that's when I start to engage. But yeah, I don't 0:07:50.800 --> 0:07:53.960 know it's so hard especially when like, especially in like 0:07:54.120 --> 0:08:00.760 queer relationships, like the situation ship just is rain supreme. 0:08:01.120 --> 0:08:04.560 It rains supreme, and I am in a lot of them, 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:07.560 and I feel like, you know, the only ethical way 0:08:07.600 --> 0:08:10.280 to do situation ships is that is if you're both 0:08:10.320 --> 0:08:13.240 on the same page about being in situation ships. And 0:08:13.280 --> 0:08:17.000 that has been like my last few relationships have been 0:08:17.200 --> 0:08:20.520 that they've been things that we have not labeled, but 0:08:20.600 --> 0:08:24.800 we have like in subcapacity committed to each other. Um. 0:08:24.800 --> 0:08:27.360 But it creates tension if one of the partners is 0:08:27.400 --> 0:08:31.360 not forthcoming about what their wants and needs are and um, 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:34.719 the the the issue really at the end of the 0:08:34.800 --> 0:08:37.800 day usually is like they want something that I do 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:39.959 not want, or they're not willing to take it at 0:08:39.960 --> 0:08:42.560 the pace that I want to take it, or we're 0:08:42.559 --> 0:08:46.280 not finding a way to compromise, or I don't know. 0:08:46.520 --> 0:08:50.360 I I think that To answer Phoebe's inciting question, I 0:08:50.440 --> 0:08:55.000 do feel like a lot of my relationships become about power, 0:08:55.120 --> 0:09:00.560 dynamic and control. And you always have the power, you know, 0:09:00.720 --> 0:09:05.480 you always want the power? Yeah, I do. Well, I 0:09:05.480 --> 0:09:07.920 wouldn't say I always want the power. I would say 0:09:08.080 --> 0:09:11.600 in recent and like the last two ish years, I've 0:09:11.600 --> 0:09:15.960 really conceded myself to my lovers and tried my hardest 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:19.360 to be less like the person that I used to be, 0:09:19.640 --> 0:09:24.559 but but trying to reclaim how our relationships does come 0:09:24.640 --> 0:09:26.719 naturally to me. So it is a vice I I 0:09:27.559 --> 0:09:30.480 end up falling into. Like I I like things to 0:09:30.520 --> 0:09:33.160 be on my terms. I like and you ask what 0:09:33.200 --> 0:09:36.080 you want, you you ask for what you want in 0:09:36.160 --> 0:09:39.160 relationships exactly. But the thing is, if I date you 0:09:39.200 --> 0:09:42.199 long enough, what I eventually have to kind of let 0:09:42.200 --> 0:09:45.800 you in on is just say, like, hey, my first relationship, 0:09:45.880 --> 0:09:48.480 which was a year and a half long, was really 0:09:48.559 --> 0:09:53.880 emotionally traumatizing and like it was with a person who 0:09:53.960 --> 0:09:57.600 controlled everything that I did and and and so now 0:09:58.000 --> 0:10:02.000 I've basically shaped all of my future relationships after that 0:10:02.480 --> 0:10:06.440 to protect myself in a way that is sometimes overcorrective 0:10:06.679 --> 0:10:09.680 and you know, not fair to the partners that I 0:10:09.720 --> 0:10:12.760 take on. And sometimes I mean someone that I dated 0:10:12.840 --> 0:10:14.800 a few years ago, I had to be like, hey, like, 0:10:15.200 --> 0:10:17.200 I don't know why I reacted this way. I don't 0:10:17.200 --> 0:10:18.720 know why I did this. I don't know why I 0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:21.599 did that. I'm so sorry. I think it's coming from 0:10:21.640 --> 0:10:23.840 this has to do with like my last relations or 0:10:23.840 --> 0:10:26.760 this has to do with relationships eons ago, and it 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:28.720 doesn't have to do with you. And I'm so sorry 0:10:28.760 --> 0:10:32.160 that it's that I brought it in. I mean, that's 0:10:32.640 --> 0:10:35.839 it's really good that you're so self aware about it, 0:10:36.000 --> 0:10:40.920 because despite the fact that I don't, or maybe because 0:10:40.920 --> 0:10:43.280 of the fact that I don't have a lot of 0:10:43.400 --> 0:10:47.679 romantic relationships, when I have been in them, I just 0:10:47.880 --> 0:10:50.760 act like fucking crazy person and I don't really have 0:10:50.800 --> 0:10:53.840 any self control. And that feeling of like having a 0:10:53.920 --> 0:10:58.679 crush and it being something that is controlling you. That 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:03.040 is really most of my experience with relationships and probably 0:11:03.080 --> 0:11:06.240 why I choose not to shape my life around them, 0:11:06.320 --> 0:11:10.120 because I know that I'm just like prone to that. 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:29.840 There's someone who I dated right around right before I 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:34.800 started transitioning who just like never kind of gave me 0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:38.679 what I wanted but always strung me along and he 0:11:38.880 --> 0:11:43.040 was so hot and I was so obsessed with him, 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:46.720 and then would like periodically pop back into my life 0:11:46.760 --> 0:11:49.000 over the years and say things like, oh, well, I 0:11:49.040 --> 0:11:51.040 actually think I might be bisexual and I might be 0:11:51.080 --> 0:11:53.680 into women, and like give me a little bit of hope, 0:11:53.679 --> 0:11:56.920 and then that feeling of not having control of how 0:11:56.920 --> 0:11:59.839 I acted around this person would come back and we 0:12:00.040 --> 0:12:05.880 even he he was really into uh sticking pokes at 0:12:05.920 --> 0:12:09.840 one point, and he one time we like hung out 0:12:10.000 --> 0:12:12.439 and he gave me a tattoo and then I tattooed 0:12:12.480 --> 0:12:15.600 my name on his ass um. Oh my god, that's 0:12:15.600 --> 0:12:18.600 so punk. That's like very you not gonna lie it 0:12:18.679 --> 0:12:20.760 is and it was so it was so hot, and 0:12:20.800 --> 0:12:23.640 I said to him, like after it happened, I said, 0:12:23.640 --> 0:12:25.480 so you know that I own you now, and he's like, 0:12:25.520 --> 0:12:27.880 I know, I've always known that. And it was crazy 0:12:27.920 --> 0:12:30.320 to me how he could say things like that that 0:12:30.400 --> 0:12:34.800 we're so hot, but like then not follow that up 0:12:34.800 --> 0:12:37.000 with giving me what I actually wanted, which was just 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:41.920 like him. And so because of that feeling, I am 0:12:42.040 --> 0:12:46.520 someone who likes control. And so I guess one of 0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:50.400 the reasons why I have chosen not to order my 0:12:50.480 --> 0:12:55.520 life around romantic relationships is because I don't want to, 0:12:56.000 --> 0:12:59.160 in a larger sense, give up the control over my 0:12:59.240 --> 0:13:06.280 life that I have. And yeah, I guess I'm too 0:13:06.320 --> 0:13:12.040 into being the person who says what I what I'm doing, 0:13:12.080 --> 0:13:14.720 and what I want um to like give up that 0:13:14.800 --> 0:13:17.520 larger control and I mean you said you kind of 0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:21.840 read me kind of Recently, we were talking about doing 0:13:22.040 --> 0:13:25.080 our live show in New York and I was saying 0:13:25.200 --> 0:13:29.000 that the reason that I I didn't want to do 0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:31.880 it is because I couldn't be in control of it 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:33.440 and the way I wanted, and you said, no, what 0:13:33.480 --> 0:13:35.800 it's actually about is you don't want to be uncomfortable. 0:13:36.400 --> 0:13:39.400 And I think that's another big part of it, is, 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:42.680 like relationships are really uncomfortable. You're giving so much of yourself, 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:45.880 You're putting so much of yourself into someone else's hands 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:48.800 and letting them decide, and you're letting someone see you 0:13:48.880 --> 0:13:52.679 in a really vulnerable way, and that to me is 0:13:52.800 --> 0:13:56.959 extremely uncomfortable. And because I know I have this propensity 0:13:57.040 --> 0:13:59.000 to like become so obsessed with someone that I'll like 0:13:59.400 --> 0:14:01.560 literally them do whatever they want. I'll let them like 0:14:01.600 --> 0:14:04.480 tattoo something on my body, I just don't let myself 0:14:04.520 --> 0:14:07.360 get to the point where that could even start to happen. 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:12.439 I similarly, like I can, I can try. I'm very protective, 0:14:12.440 --> 0:14:14.560 and I think I don't know if it's in the 0:14:14.640 --> 0:14:18.720 same way, but like I can be very codependent, like 0:14:18.840 --> 0:14:23.400 extremely codependent with like my lovers and like I when 0:14:23.440 --> 0:14:25.560 I get into a rhythm with them, I want them 0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:28.040 around all the time. And I get really scared of 0:14:28.160 --> 0:14:31.440 that version of myself, like my Venus is and Gemini 0:14:31.560 --> 0:14:35.600 and like a switch flips, and UM, I think it's 0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:40.320 it's something that can be really terrifying, Um, to make 0:14:40.360 --> 0:14:44.200 yourself that vulnerable or uncomfortable, as you're saying. And I 0:14:44.240 --> 0:14:49.720 think a lot about worthiness. And I think that you 0:14:49.800 --> 0:14:53.120 and I just actually have arrived at a place where 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:56.400 we really do know our own worth. Like we really 0:14:56.440 --> 0:14:59.760 do know how good we are at our jobs. We 0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:02.800 know like how we ascend, We know like how good 0:15:02.840 --> 0:15:06.120 we are actually have relationships and communication, how adult we are, 0:15:06.280 --> 0:15:08.400 like how stable we are in our own lives, and 0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:12.480 like it's really hard for prospective lovers to even come 0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:14.600 close to like where we are. You know, I know, 0:15:14.760 --> 0:15:18.000 I really I can't imagine being with someone who's not 0:15:18.880 --> 0:15:22.160 on my level. And I don't mean that, and I 0:15:22.200 --> 0:15:24.320 mean that in many ways, not just in one way. Also, 0:15:24.400 --> 0:15:27.520 my Venus is also in Gemini. Wait are you kidding me? Yeah, 0:15:27.560 --> 0:15:32.120 my Venus is in Gemini in the second house, jaw direct. 0:15:32.280 --> 0:15:35.400 We need to talk to Channy about this, Um, we 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:39.800 need to conference her and immediately that is whack a doodle. Yes, 0:15:39.840 --> 0:15:44.120 but so um I think when I over the past 0:15:44.160 --> 0:15:45.960 couple of years, I have found myself getting a lot 0:15:46.040 --> 0:15:49.840 more attention from younger people, which is not necessarily like 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:56.760 who I normally am the most attracted to. And because 0:15:56.800 --> 0:16:00.240 of that, I can't imagine dating someone who does not 0:16:00.400 --> 0:16:03.280 have their shipped together in the same way I do, 0:16:03.400 --> 0:16:06.640 so like, I don't even like consider this like people 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:09.280 as partners and I and I mean that on so 0:16:09.320 --> 0:16:14.280 many levels, like I mean financially, like someone who who 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:16.840 has their ship together with their career at least like 0:16:16.920 --> 0:16:19.400 knows what they want to do or is like working 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:23.080 towards that, And also someone who knows themselves because a 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:25.640 lot of people really don't know themselves. And you and 0:16:25.680 --> 0:16:27.200 I are two people who have done a lot of 0:16:27.240 --> 0:16:31.960 work to become almost painfully self aware. And you know, 0:16:32.160 --> 0:16:35.800 if my romantic relationships could be at the level as 0:16:35.880 --> 0:16:41.600 my you know, friendships are, maybe, but it's it's so 0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:45.920 much work. I mean, you and I do so much processing, 0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:49.800 and I an't imagine doing that with someone I have 0:16:49.920 --> 0:16:53.000 sex with. Okay, two things. First of all, the overprocessing 0:16:53.000 --> 0:16:55.240 thing is so real. I do feel like I've done 0:16:55.320 --> 0:16:58.200 so much self work, but now to the point of 0:16:58.360 --> 0:17:01.120 just like it becoming an issue. You like, one of 0:17:01.160 --> 0:17:04.480 my last serious relationships. Our relationship had already ended, but 0:17:04.520 --> 0:17:06.480 we had you know, one of those like months later, 0:17:06.640 --> 0:17:08.280 like let's talk a little bit about it and how 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:11.080 when or whatever. And something that he said has really 0:17:11.080 --> 0:17:13.720 stuck out to him. He was like, we spent so 0:17:13.800 --> 0:17:19.320 much time processing and talking about what wasn't going wrong 0:17:19.440 --> 0:17:21.359 or how you were trying to fix yourself or how 0:17:21.400 --> 0:17:23.159 I was trying to fix myself. Like we spent so 0:17:23.240 --> 0:17:25.119 much time saying how we were going to do better 0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:31.280 that we never like just were we never were in 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:33.919 the actual relationship because we're talking too much about the 0:17:33.960 --> 0:17:37.399 futurity and how to improve it. And I was, but 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:41.119 was but was that a direct result of conflict you 0:17:41.160 --> 0:17:43.840 were having? It was? It was? It was. It was 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:47.320 a direct result of conflict and also a direct result 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:49.600 of me being and like I think my first year 0:17:49.760 --> 0:17:52.439 of therapy, so there was a lot going on. It 0:17:52.480 --> 0:17:54.920 was the pandemic because I think when you have when 0:17:54.920 --> 0:17:57.840 you have conflict, like you need to work through it. 0:17:57.920 --> 0:18:01.399 That's one of the reasons why fran I have a 0:18:01.440 --> 0:18:04.320 good friendship and are able to work together. And it's 0:18:04.359 --> 0:18:06.720 like I was talking to someone about this recently, like 0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:10.159 it's not just something that happens. Fran and I have 0:18:10.280 --> 0:18:16.360 had some very you know, not but very intense moments 0:18:16.400 --> 0:18:20.720 in our friendship where we have had to call each 0:18:20.760 --> 0:18:25.160 other out or call each other in and really talk 0:18:25.240 --> 0:18:29.320 about it because our friendship is really important to both 0:18:29.320 --> 0:18:33.119 of us. Um And I know that I'm someone with 0:18:33.200 --> 0:18:37.320 interpersonal relationships that if I don't, if I don't bring 0:18:37.440 --> 0:18:39.800 something a problem up when it's happening, it will just 0:18:39.920 --> 0:18:42.600 fester and become something much bigger than what it is. 0:18:43.440 --> 0:18:46.320 And that's like, I'm so grateful that I'm able to 0:18:46.359 --> 0:18:49.480 come to you and say, like, hey, this thing happened 0:18:49.520 --> 0:18:51.879 the other day and it has been kind of bugging me. 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:54.000 And I know that if I just don't say something 0:18:54.000 --> 0:18:56.000 about it, it's going to keep bugging me. So let's 0:18:56.000 --> 0:19:00.879 just talk about it. Um And I just can't see 0:19:00.920 --> 0:19:06.399 myself doing that with a romantic partner because all the 0:19:06.440 --> 0:19:25.919 times I've tried it has so backfired on me. I 0:19:26.040 --> 0:19:31.719 just don't prioritize romantic relationships. I let romantic relationships happen 0:19:31.800 --> 0:19:35.359 to me. They fall into my lap. Someone approaches me, 0:19:35.480 --> 0:19:37.760 I'm going to engage with that because you've taken the time. 0:19:37.840 --> 0:19:41.359 And if I think you're sexy or fun and I 0:19:41.400 --> 0:19:44.960 want to date, but like I'm just not hawking for them. 0:19:45.000 --> 0:19:48.320 I don't go out to the clubs to look for relationships. 0:19:48.440 --> 0:19:52.399 I'm there with my girlies. When I imagine my life, 0:19:52.760 --> 0:19:55.399 when I and I'm someone who doesn't want to get married, okay, 0:19:55.440 --> 0:19:57.480 like I do want to be a wife, okay, but 0:19:57.560 --> 0:20:01.280 like when I imagine my life, I imagine that wedding 0:20:01.520 --> 0:20:03.960 or like what my life looks like. I don't imagine 0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:08.480 myself and a partner. I imagine myself and a partner 0:20:08.800 --> 0:20:11.440 and a community of people that we have like built 0:20:11.480 --> 0:20:14.840 our lives around, and with that we are cultivating lives 0:20:14.840 --> 0:20:18.720 together that I'm helping raise my friends kids that I 0:20:18.760 --> 0:20:22.240 am like you know that I'm traveling all the time 0:20:22.520 --> 0:20:25.520 with my friends and with my partner, Like I don't 0:20:25.600 --> 0:20:31.600 want isolated time to no end with like my you know, 0:20:32.560 --> 0:20:34.880 betrothed or whoever. It is, like it's just I can't 0:20:34.960 --> 0:20:38.560 I can't even imagine that. I thought that I think 0:20:38.680 --> 0:20:41.480 is the problem. Although I do have moments where I think, 0:20:42.240 --> 0:20:45.000 you know, last week it was my birthday, and I 0:20:45.080 --> 0:20:47.240 did think it would be so nice to have a 0:20:47.280 --> 0:20:52.719 partner who was like making sure that I was, you know, 0:20:52.840 --> 0:20:55.840 having a good day or like whatever. But those are 0:20:55.880 --> 0:20:58.080 really the only moments where I think about that. And 0:20:59.640 --> 0:21:02.320 part of all this is I'm so bad at dating 0:21:03.200 --> 0:21:05.679 and I just don't It's like, I mean, dating is 0:21:05.680 --> 0:21:08.399 working hard. I mean, it's it's a it's it's a 0:21:08.440 --> 0:21:12.280 combination of being bad at it and also being completely disinterested, 0:21:12.800 --> 0:21:14.600 and a big part of it is being out of 0:21:14.680 --> 0:21:17.840 practice with it. So much of this is you know, 0:21:17.960 --> 0:21:21.320 a byproduct of over two years of the pandemic and 0:21:21.400 --> 0:21:24.639 just like not my social muscles not being what they 0:21:24.760 --> 0:21:28.000 used to be. But I remember, like right after I 0:21:28.040 --> 0:21:30.880 moved to l A, you know, I was trying to 0:21:30.920 --> 0:21:34.080 find connection. I was like not just I wasn't really 0:21:34.160 --> 0:21:36.480 using Grinder because I didn't want to have casual sex 0:21:36.520 --> 0:21:40.679 because of the scary COVID of it all. But I 0:21:40.720 --> 0:21:44.680 started to use like tender more. And there are people 0:21:44.680 --> 0:21:47.040 who wanted to like meet up in the park and 0:21:47.119 --> 0:21:50.680 go on a walk, and I mean, first of all, 0:21:50.760 --> 0:21:52.760 I don't ever want to I don't ever want to 0:21:52.800 --> 0:21:56.560 meet up with someone in a park ever again. But 0:21:57.320 --> 0:21:59.800 I was so out of practice of talking to a 0:22:00.080 --> 0:22:03.800 human being I didn't know in real life, and dating 0:22:03.920 --> 0:22:06.400 was already something that I had been really like bad 0:22:06.440 --> 0:22:10.879 about and disinterested in, and so I just like fully 0:22:10.920 --> 0:22:13.040 opted out of it. I remember even I even made 0:22:13.080 --> 0:22:15.800 plans to meet up with someone and then just ghosted 0:22:15.800 --> 0:22:17.520 them because I was like, I can't do this. I 0:22:17.520 --> 0:22:20.800 don't have the spoons for it. I mean, yeah, I mean, 0:22:20.920 --> 0:22:23.000 I you know, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. 0:22:23.000 --> 0:22:26.240 I think it's it's worth saying. And what probably virgins 0:22:26.280 --> 0:22:28.560 at home already know is that, like dating as a 0:22:28.640 --> 0:22:32.199 trans person is extremely hard, and dating is hard for 0:22:32.240 --> 0:22:34.959 girls like us, but like especially for girls like you, 0:22:35.040 --> 0:22:38.199 like yours and my transness are extremely different, and like 0:22:38.320 --> 0:22:42.800 I benefit from just you know, still dating faggots, you know, 0:22:42.880 --> 0:22:46.760 like we date dip completely different pools of people um 0:22:46.760 --> 0:22:50.400 to summit to some extent, and you know, I just 0:22:50.480 --> 0:22:55.439 like the mental back flips and kind of inner monologues 0:22:55.560 --> 0:22:58.119 that you have to have just to get yourself in 0:22:58.200 --> 0:23:02.080 the door is just completely different than probably most people 0:23:02.119 --> 0:23:05.639 listening to this podcast. You know, yeah, I think I 0:23:06.040 --> 0:23:09.639 you know, I would imagine that a lot of trans 0:23:09.760 --> 0:23:13.040 people can understand that experience, and like a lot of 0:23:13.359 --> 0:23:17.159 since people might not have a way to even conceptualize 0:23:17.840 --> 0:23:23.720 what it is like as a trans person. Two, think 0:23:23.760 --> 0:23:26.680 about dating, to think about meeting someone if you've never 0:23:26.720 --> 0:23:30.119 met before, and like all of the things you have 0:23:30.240 --> 0:23:33.600 to sort of like prepare yourself for about how they 0:23:33.680 --> 0:23:38.159 might interact with you or see you. And yeah, like 0:23:38.320 --> 0:23:42.800 not even honestly, like microaggressions are like the baseline, but 0:23:42.880 --> 0:23:46.760 like what's worse actually is like what they don't say, 0:23:46.800 --> 0:23:50.479 but what you know they're thinking. Yeah, And I started 0:23:51.359 --> 0:23:54.840 and I started like being especially in the past, I 0:23:54.840 --> 0:23:57.240 don't know, maybe six months that you know, I do 0:23:57.359 --> 0:23:59.719 not hook up with people as often as I used to, 0:24:00.119 --> 0:24:02.960 and when I do, I'm much more upfront. I like 0:24:03.359 --> 0:24:08.720 really don't want to have sex with men who consider 0:24:08.800 --> 0:24:12.560 themselves straight at all. And like, you know, I'm by, 0:24:12.640 --> 0:24:15.480