Speaker 1: Hey, friends, So I am actually coming to you from
Speaker 1: my bathtub. YEP, that is right. I'm not telling you.
Speaker 1: Why do you hear water splashing around? It is because
Speaker 1: I'm in the bathtub. It is Saturday night, it is
Speaker 1: eight pm, and I am sleep depride. That is what
Speaker 1: this episode, this mom chat is on sleep depth deprivation.
Speaker 1: I hope there's on an echo um, but if there is,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry because I can't do this podcast anywhere else
Speaker 1: right now. I have to be in the bathtub because
Speaker 1: my body aches, my brain aches, everything aches. And I
Speaker 1: want to start this podcast off by saying, I really
Speaker 1: truly pray that you guys do not take this as
Speaker 1: me complaining, because I am not trying to complain. I
Speaker 1: am grateful for every new experience that I get to
Speaker 1: have with Sunny, including sleep deprivation. I am just really
Speaker 1: kind of using this podcast as an audio journal to
Speaker 1: journal what's happening in my life, the changes that are happening.
Speaker 1: Like I'm just sort of recording what I'm going through
Speaker 1: as an observation more and not as complaining, because I
Speaker 1: am very aware at all times, truly, even when I
Speaker 1: am sleep deprived and exhausted and my body is aching
Speaker 1: because Honey weighs over twelve pounds, and lifting her all
Speaker 1: the time it is like lifting just the sacritatoes and
Speaker 1: I'm not probably using the correct warm So I got
Speaker 1: a major crick in my back to the point where
Speaker 1: I couldn't walk. So that's why I'm in the bathtub
Speaker 1: trying to soak it up after I went to the
Speaker 1: chiropractor day and then now I feel like I flu
Speaker 1: like symptoms because my whole body cracked. And now I'm
Speaker 1: just like in so much pain because my body readjusted
Speaker 1: into a new position after the chiropractor, which I am
Speaker 1: so grateful for, but it's not going to be settled
Speaker 1: down until tomorrow because sometimes when you're so tight, it
Speaker 1: hurts to crack it all and get it all back
Speaker 1: in the right position. Anyway, I digress. I love my chiropractor.
Speaker 1: He's amazing. His name is Dr Grande and he um
Speaker 1: runs the Spine Shop in East Nashville, and I truly
Speaker 1: cannot recommend him enough. He keeps me in line physically,
Speaker 1: and I am very grateful that he is my chiropractor.
Speaker 1: To go to him in Nashville if you need a
Speaker 1: good one. Anyway, I digress, So I um, last night,
Speaker 1: I told you all, if you'll listened to my mom
Speaker 1: chats the other I don't know which one I'm talking
Speaker 1: about because I literally have no brain. I can't remember
Speaker 1: anything I say. I have record stuff and I put
Speaker 1: it out there and I don't know what I said
Speaker 1: because my brain is broken right now just by not
Speaker 1: remembering anything. But if you guys remember a past podcast, I, um,
Speaker 1: what was I even just talking about? What the hell
Speaker 1: was I just freaking talking about? Oh my god, I
Speaker 1: cannot remember what I was trying to to say. Oh,
Speaker 1: I guess it wasn't that important. Okay. What I'm trying
Speaker 1: to get at though, the point that I'm trying to
Speaker 1: make from this podcast is I'm so tired. Oh oh,
Speaker 1: my pediatrician. Yes, my pediatrician told me Caroline. He came
Speaker 1: because I came in to his office the other day
Speaker 1: and Michael was in Europe and I was by myself.
Speaker 1: I had been by with the Sunny for a week
Speaker 1: by myself. And it's great. I love it, every second
Speaker 1: of it. I love but like I was freaking exhausted
Speaker 1: and potentially losing my mind a little bit. Like you
Speaker 1: get into this weird crazy vortex when you're just alone
Speaker 1: with a newborn all the time, by yourself, not sleeping
Speaker 1: like you really life, really it's amazing, but it's like
Speaker 1: it gets you get crazy in your head, like it
Speaker 1: gets weird, like all of a sudden, I don't know
Speaker 1: how to leave my house. I'm tired all the time.
Speaker 1: I literally were the same thing, like three days in
Speaker 1: a row. I will go to sleep in an outfit
Speaker 1: with tons of spit up all over it, don't care,
Speaker 1: wake up the next day where it all day. I'll
Speaker 1: do that like three days until finally this is disgusting.
Speaker 1: I like can smell my body odor and I'm like,
Speaker 1: get in the freaking shower, girl, you're disgusting. Anyway, So
Speaker 1: my pediatriction was like you need to go out and
Speaker 1: be with your friends, or get out of the house,
Speaker 1: or go for a walk, or do an exercise class
Speaker 1: or something an hour day, or at least an hour
Speaker 1: every other day, because it's not good for you just
Speaker 1: to be keeped up here and turned into this crazy person.
Speaker 1: He didn't say like that, but anyway, he was just
Speaker 1: being nice and saying get out, like don't forget who
Speaker 1: you are, Like remember who you are, because that's really important,
Speaker 1: and that's beneficial for Sonny to have a mom who
Speaker 1: doesn't lose herself. And I don't feel like I'm losing myself.
Speaker 1: I really don't. I feel better than ever as far
Speaker 1: as where I am in my life, Like I feel
Speaker 1: like I have more purpose with my podcast now because
Speaker 1: I actually I'm talking about episodes that means something to me,
Speaker 1: and I love getting to share what I'm going do
Speaker 1: with you guys, and I love how you guys share
Speaker 1: with me, and I love how we're exchanging all this information,
Speaker 1: Like being a mom has really to me given me
Speaker 1: more purpose and more passion in my career and my
Speaker 1: podcast that ever. So I don't feel like I'm losing myself,
Speaker 1: but I do feel like I am losing so much
Speaker 1: sleep that I'm exhausted. Just when you think like your
Speaker 1: child is sleeping through the night and everything is great,
Speaker 1: and you maybe get a little cocky about it, they
Speaker 1: don't sleep through the night. So last night I was
Speaker 1: trying to chake my pediatricians advice. And I'm in a
Speaker 1: book club with amazing women and we have a group
Speaker 1: meeting like every four times a year or something. I
Speaker 1: don't know how many times. Four times a year, and
Speaker 1: we've been doing it for like five or six years,
Speaker 1: and it's one of those things that I remember when
Speaker 1: we started it like five or six years ago, I
Speaker 1: kind of thought it was just sort of like, oh,
Speaker 1: this school whatever, I'm in a book club. But now
Speaker 1: that we've been doing it for five or six years,
Speaker 1: four times a year, like we're on a tech chain together,
Speaker 1: we keep up with each other. We all make it
Speaker 1: a priority to go to these events. We've gotten married,
Speaker 1: we've had children, like we've all been there for each other.
Speaker 1: We throw each other baby showers, wedding showers, like we're
Speaker 1: always there for each other. Like if we're breaking down
Speaker 1: and exhausted from our kids and all that, we like
Speaker 1: lift each other up. Like we've become true friends. And
Speaker 1: it is the most beautiful thing. So I value this
Speaker 1: book club so much. And it's one of those things
Speaker 1: I just had no idea was going to turn into
Speaker 1: something I love so much, but it did, and I'm
Speaker 1: so grateful for it. So I had a book club
Speaker 1: last night and it was so fun. We did a
Speaker 1: murder mystery. Andrea Deloche, who is married to grand Fellow.
Speaker 1: She's in a thousand horses. She's like one of my
Speaker 1: she's my band sister. So basically we're like family, because
Speaker 1: when you're in a band family, you basically our family
Speaker 1: because you live every second of your life together because
Speaker 1: your husband's careers are always the same, and like your
Speaker 1: lives are just interacting constantly. And Andrea is one of
Speaker 1: the greatest humans ever, and she can do anything, and
Speaker 1: she's so crafty, and she's a d I wire and
Speaker 1: she can make anything food wise, clothes wise, table scape wise.
Speaker 1: So she put together this murder mystery and all of
Speaker 1: us went over to her house and we all got
Speaker 1: characters and we all had to be in character and
Speaker 1: play this murder mystery and act out how this woman died,
Speaker 1: and then we had to figure out who was the
Speaker 1: woman who died. And it was so much fun. And
Speaker 1: we all had a cookie exchange, and my friend Jesse
Speaker 1: let me share her cookies because I didn't have time
Speaker 1: to make guinny and so we all like brought cookies
Speaker 1: and boxed them up and it was just so much fun.
Speaker 1: I recommend if you are looking for a fun thing
Speaker 1: to do with your friend, do a murder mystery like
Speaker 1: it's awesome. So I ended up having a great time
Speaker 1: Sunny went down at seven thirty to sleep. Michael had
Speaker 1: the husband's over of the wives who wrote book Club,
Speaker 1: and they grilled out and we're by the bonfire, and
Speaker 1: he did a great job and they were quiet and
Speaker 1: they didn't wake up Sunny, and I was so proud
Speaker 1: of him. And he really rocked it babysitting the baby
Speaker 1: by himself, and I was like, you know what, I'm
Speaker 1: here with my friends. I had a glass two glasses
Speaker 1: of champagne right when I got there, because I was like,
Speaker 1: I cannot drink too much because I just cannot pump
Speaker 1: and dump. I have pumped and dumped a few times
Speaker 1: in the past few weeks because I have decided to
Speaker 1: have a few glasses of wine. And even though it
Speaker 1: probably was fine, I just some freaking o c D
Speaker 1: and worried about everything. So I dumped like fourteen ounces
Speaker 1: because my night pump is my best one, and so
Speaker 1: I was like, I cannot pump and dump, like I
Speaker 1: all my milk a sacred to me. I need every
Speaker 1: ounce of it. Sonny is now eating six ounces at
Speaker 1: a time, like I have none to spare. So I
Speaker 1: had two glass of champagne when I first got there,
Speaker 1: and then I didn't drink anything else. But I was
Speaker 1: having so much fun with my friends and the conversation
Speaker 1: was so great. And after we did the murder mysture,
Speaker 1: we all like hung out on the couch and we
Speaker 1: talked and we my friend Bryladan gave me a back
Speaker 1: massage and it was the greatest thing I've ever experienced
Speaker 1: in my entire life. I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: this is the greatest thing ever. Like, nothing was better
Speaker 1: than the back massage she was giving me. And because
Speaker 1: I had already pulled my back, I had this crook
Speaker 1: in my back and I couldn't walk, And I mean
Speaker 1: I could, but I just was like hobbling. And she
Speaker 1: gave me a massage. And she's also a new mom.
Speaker 1: She's a little girl who's eight months old, and she's
Speaker 1: like someone I leaned to and she gives me so
Speaker 1: much great mom advice. Anyway, so we were having a
Speaker 1: great time and all of a sudden, I look at
Speaker 1: the clock and it was eleven thirty and I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's still civilized. Sonny's been sleeping through the night. She's
Speaker 1: probably gonna wake up at seven, which is what she
Speaker 1: normally does. Although the past unite. She's been waking up
Speaker 1: at five five even, and I've just been kind of
Speaker 1: letting her run like squeak around in her crib until
Speaker 1: like six fifteen, six thirty, if she can make it
Speaker 1: without fully crying, because she kind of just wakes up
Speaker 1: and she goes like ah ah ah ah, it's just
Speaker 1: like this little tiny squeal, and it's not a cry.
Speaker 1: It's almost like a bird, like a little baby bird,
Speaker 1: and she's not upset. She's just kind of like rummaging around.
Speaker 1: So as long as she's just kind of doing that
Speaker 1: little squeak, I just sort of let her chill. I'll
Speaker 1: go in there and I'll take her swaddle off and
Speaker 1: i will let her just kind of squeak around until
Speaker 1: she starts crying, and then I'm like, okay, time to
Speaker 1: get up. We're gonna feed you. Um. So, anyway, I've
Speaker 1: been counting on the fact that she wakes up six
Speaker 1: o'clock earliest, or I can lay in bed until six
Speaker 1: o'clock and I pump when I get home at eleven
Speaker 1: thirty at night, and I pumped like midnight, And so
Speaker 1: if she wakes up at six and I go to
Speaker 1: bed at midnight after I pumped. I'm getting twelve to one, two, three,
Speaker 1: four or five six hours of sleep, okay, and that
Speaker 1: is like really great when you're a new mom. If
Speaker 1: you can get six hours of sleep, you're really doing well.
Speaker 1: So I was counting on that. But guess what I
Speaker 1: ended up going about it? One because I come home
Speaker 1: or two because I come home the guys are still
Speaker 1: over here. They had grilled out there, hanging by the bonfire.
Speaker 1: We ended up chatting a little bit. Michael ends up
Speaker 1: coming to bed like at one thirty. I start pumping
Speaker 1: late because I've been hanging out with them, and I
Speaker 1: end up having a ton of milk. So I pumped
Speaker 1: forever and I didn't end up closing my eyes until
Speaker 1: two o'clock. I guess who decides to wake at before? Yep,
Speaker 1: Sunny Sunny did she unswadowed herself. She busted out of
Speaker 1: her swaddle, probably because I didn't do a good enough
Speaker 1: job because I was already tired and I came home
Speaker 1: and I didn't put the swaddle up high enough. Maybe
Speaker 1: I didn't took her arms and tight enough. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I'm sure it was my fault because I looked at
Speaker 1: the monitor at one thirty while I was pumping, or
Speaker 1: like one o'clock before I went to sleep, and I said, shoot,
Speaker 1: that swaddle has drifted down, like her whole shoulders were
Speaker 1: kind of creeping out. And anybody he's got a new
Speaker 1: baby who sees their baby shoulders out of their swaddle,
Speaker 1: it's like, oh no, there's a very good chance they're
Speaker 1: going to escape. But then you walk this fine line
Speaker 1: of do I go in there and reswaddle her and
Speaker 1: wake her up and then deal with that whole process,
Speaker 1: because then what if she didn't go back to sleep?
Speaker 1: Do I play Russian Roulette and just pray that she
Speaker 1: makes it until six or seven in the morning and
Speaker 1: doesn't unswadow herself. So anyway, I go with Russian Roulette.
Speaker 1: Let's see if she doesn't unswadow herself. Well, she made
Speaker 1: it till four four or four thirty, and then she
Speaker 1: started crying and she was flailing and she would not
Speaker 1: stop crying. It wasn't that it was the full blown
Speaker 1: like yep, we're up and we were on our way
Speaker 1: to screaming. So Mom, get your booty out of bed
Speaker 1: and come in here and see me and feed me
Speaker 1: and make me feel better, because I don't know what's
Speaker 1: happening with my arms because they're flailing. That's basically what
Speaker 1: she was saying in my mind. So I mind you,
Speaker 1: I have not gotten two and a half hours of sleep,
Speaker 1: maybe two hours and forty five minutes of sleep. And
Speaker 1: I go and I put her bottle on, I feed her.
Speaker 1: I've put six ounces on, and then I breastfeedter. I
Speaker 1: always bread her breastfeeder first, saying in the morning, I
Speaker 1: want her just to start with that comfort, and I
Speaker 1: want to make sure that we get a great breastfeeding
Speaker 1: because I love that moment. But I don't want to
Speaker 1: breastfeater all the time because I want to make sure
Speaker 1: she's getting all of her ounces so she'll sleep to
Speaker 1: the night like she didn't do uh this night. But
Speaker 1: so I breast better, and she probably breasted for ten
Speaker 1: minutes and then she took like five ounces, so she
Speaker 1: probably ended up taking like seven ounces. So she was
Speaker 1: a hungry girl seven eight ounces this morning. So then
Speaker 1: you gotta that takes a while to get the bottle
Speaker 1: down and the breastfeeding down. So I let her. So
Speaker 1: I let her cry in her crib until like she
Speaker 1: woke up at four thirty or so I let her
Speaker 1: kind of like squeak around until five, but I was
Speaker 1: like up and getting the bottle ready and just kind
Speaker 1: of like laying on the couch praying that she's gonna
Speaker 1: go back to sleep and I could just like cat
Speaker 1: nap for another forty five minutes. So I did that
Speaker 1: until probably like five thirty, five thirty. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm guessing I didn't wasn't looking at the clock.
Speaker 1: And then and then it was time. She woke up
Speaker 1: by five thirty, and so I was like, okay, here
Speaker 1: we go to the bottle. And then I probably took
Speaker 1: until about like six fifteen, and I wanted to try
Speaker 1: to keep her up till eight because we used to
Speaker 1: do five four naps, but now we've moved them down
Speaker 1: to three naps a day, but we've made them longer,
Speaker 1: which is so great because you can actually do more stuff.
Speaker 1: So she wakes up when it's the best world between
Speaker 1: six and seven, ideally seven, and then she'll stay up
Speaker 1: until eight, and then she'll go down from ten until twelve,
Speaker 1: and then she's up from twelve until two and then
Speaker 1: she goes down. Sometimes she'll sleep like two and a
Speaker 1: half hours, so she might wake up at ten thirty,
Speaker 1: but then she'll sleep till about noon. I mean that
Speaker 1: she'll be up till about noon. Then I put her
Speaker 1: down and then she goes down from like noon to
Speaker 1: about two or to thirty, and then she's up, and
Speaker 1: then we're up until seven when I feed her, except
Speaker 1: for a little forty five minute nap that she takes
Speaker 1: after she eats her bottle, So she's pretty much up.
Speaker 1: And so you can do stuff, which is great. You
Speaker 1: can go with places and she can just get a
Speaker 1: little cat nap and you can actually be gone for
Speaker 1: like four hours, which is amazing. It's like freeing on
Speaker 1: a different level. So anyway, I'm sorry, I'm ramway, I'm
Speaker 1: just trying to tell you all this or full story.
Speaker 1: I end up getting like two and a half hours
Speaker 1: of sleep, we feed her, she and so now she's
Speaker 1: been up since four or forty five, even though I
Speaker 1: let her stay in her crib until like five thirty. Um,
Speaker 1: but I've when we finally got to the play mat
Speaker 1: at like six fifteen, I was like, how in the
Speaker 1: world am I going to keep her up till eight?
Speaker 1: Like that is like almost two and a half three
Speaker 1: hours of keeping her up, and she normally wants to
Speaker 1: go to bed like an hour after she wakes up.
Speaker 1: The first day in the morning, they're just so tired
Speaker 1: in the morning, and I was like, they're in no way,
Speaker 1: and so she started really crying at seven, so she'd
Speaker 1: been up like two and a half hours, and I
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, I'm just gonna put you down and
Speaker 1: just let's see what happens. And so she went down
Speaker 1: at seven and she ended up sleeping until ten thirty.
Speaker 1: That's three hours. And in the meantime, I ended up
Speaker 1: taking a two hour nap. Of her three and a
Speaker 1: half hour nap, I took like two hours of it.
Speaker 1: So now I've got like four hours of sleep, but
Speaker 1: it's like broken up sleep, and it's never the best sleep.
Speaker 1: So now that my days started, I now know why
Speaker 1: moms have to have coffee. I used to like have
Speaker 1: coffee in the morning kind him just to get the
Speaker 1: body rolling and the bowels going. But now I'm like,
Speaker 1: I have to have three cups of coffee, and I
Speaker 1: do it after a breastfeed. Um, when i know I'm
Speaker 1: gonna stay up if I'm not going to try to
Speaker 1: take a nap. That first time when she wakes up,
Speaker 1: I won't. I'll pump at seven. I always pump at
Speaker 1: seven when she wakes up. After I feed her, and
Speaker 1: I usually try to take a nap if I haven't
Speaker 1: gotten any sleep that one. But then the ten o'clock one,
Speaker 1: when she wakes up, I always feed her pump. I
Speaker 1: always feed her, and I've already pumped, so I don't
Speaker 1: have to pump again. And then I will like down
Speaker 1: three cups of coffee because then I'm up for the
Speaker 1: rest of the day anyway, So I was just my
Speaker 1: coffee trick didn't work. My head was just throbbing in
Speaker 1: so much pain, and my body was hurting because I
Speaker 1: went't don adjustment, so everything was rearranged, and I just
Speaker 1: was I couldn't get on top of my exhaustion, and
Speaker 1: normally I can just power through and be like this
Speaker 1: is amazing, Like how fun that I'm getting to have
Speaker 1: this life was sunny, and like how great that like
Speaker 1: I get to work from home and do my podcasts
Speaker 1: and host, Like I get to freelance host and pick
Speaker 1: when I get to hosts, and um, I get to
Speaker 1: do brand deals and like I get to be my
Speaker 1: own boss. And I'm so thankful for that, and I'm
Speaker 1: always aware that that is such a blessing, but when
Speaker 1: you were tired, it is a true form of torture.
Speaker 1: I couldn't eat all day. I felt like I had
Speaker 1: the flu. I was always present when I saw Sonny,
Speaker 1: because I really try to be so present all the
Speaker 1: time when I'm with her, because that's important to me.
Speaker 1: But I just wanted to cry. So we ended up
Speaker 1: going to our friends for a barbecue um that we
Speaker 1: had already planned. All of our book club was going,
Speaker 1: all Michael's friends were going. So I was just gonna
Speaker 1: take Sunny for like three hours because now that she's
Speaker 1: doing these two hour naps, we have like a four
Speaker 1: hour window in the afternoon. And I got there and
Speaker 1: my friend Audrey just held me and hugged me, and
Speaker 1: I just cried in her arms, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm so fired, Like I'm so tired, and I'm not upset,
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not grateful, I'm just so tired. I
Speaker 1: have to cry, Like I literally have to cry because
Speaker 1: I feel so tired that my brain is just exploding
Speaker 1: and I almost feel like these tears just have to
Speaker 1: come out so I can, like I don't know, get word,
Speaker 1: some sort of release or something, because I'm so freaking tired.
Speaker 1: And of course all my new all my mom friends
Speaker 1: were like, yep, yep, yep. Oh, welcome, welcome to never
Speaker 1: sleeping again. And that's why it's just so great to
Speaker 1: have friends to be able to talk to about this.
Speaker 1: And that's why I want to talk to you guys
Speaker 1: about this on my podcast, because these are things that like,
Speaker 1: I always am grateful that I have Sonny. I am
Speaker 1: always fine if not to sleep, if she wakes up,
Speaker 1: But yes, am I human? And yes, does it break
Speaker 1: me physically down? Yes, Like I am so broken down
Speaker 1: right now physically and mentally. My love pile is full.
Speaker 1: But like, I just have nothing left to give anyone,
Speaker 1: anyone right now but Sonny, and then Michael, like, and
Speaker 1: then my commitments with my podcast, like and whatever other
Speaker 1: work commitments that I passionately have to do, Like I
Speaker 1: just don't have the energy or the mental space to
Speaker 1: do it right now. And it's like you get to
Speaker 1: the end of the day and you're like, what have
Speaker 1: I even freaking done? Like I haven't even done anything.
Speaker 1: But all my friends, you are moms, are reading this
Speaker 1: book called fair Play, and it talks about invisible work
Speaker 1: that women do, because women, especially when you're a mom,
Speaker 1: but women in general are always doing all these invisible things.
Speaker 1: We're doing the laundry, We're putting on those sheets, where
Speaker 1: going to the grocery store. We're cleaning bottles, were ordering diapers,
Speaker 1: were figuring out the nipple size when she goes up.
Speaker 1: We are making sure we have her in the right sizes, clothes,
Speaker 1: um cleaning the house, I'm vacuuming, i am recording a podcast.
Speaker 1: I'm um trying to get a peloton exercise in which
Speaker 1: never happens. But it's just like all these little things.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm feeding sugar, I'm making sure she gets trying
Speaker 1: to get so walk like every few days. I'm trying
Speaker 1: to keep up with my family. I'm trying to play
Speaker 1: in Christmas. I'm trying to play in babysitters. I'm trying
Speaker 1: to make sure that if we're going to be gone,
Speaker 1: that like I'm all coordinated with um. But like I said,
Speaker 1: like a babysitter and that someone can come over and
Speaker 1: watch sunny. And it's just like managing schedules and it's
Speaker 1: all this stuff that literally feels like nothing, but it
Speaker 1: adds up. And when you do that all day long,
Speaker 1: I'm editing my podcast, I'm um, I just I can't
Speaker 1: even I don't even know all the things I'm letting.
Speaker 1: I'm putting the laundry out of the dryer and letting
Speaker 1: it hang out, hang up, like I'm changing the air
Speaker 1: vents in the house. I'm making sure sugar gets their heartworms.
Speaker 1: Like it's just like all these things that you do
Speaker 1: all the time. I'm taking out the trash, I'm cleaning
Speaker 1: bottles like I don't even know. I'm just sort of
Speaker 1: rattling them off as I tell you what they are,
Speaker 1: because it's all this like bullshit stuff that has to
Speaker 1: get done. But it doesn't really it's not really like
Speaker 1: cool or glamorous, and it feels like nothing, but it
Speaker 1: isn't nothing when you're doing tons of it all day
Speaker 1: and then you're keeping your child alive and you're getting
Speaker 1: her bottle down which takes thirty minutes, and you have
Speaker 1: to put her on the bed, you have to put
Speaker 1: her in the crab, you gotta put it on the swing,
Speaker 1: you gotta put her on the play mat, you gotta burper,
Speaker 1: you gotta do all these things to make sure she
Speaker 1: gets her six ounces down, which you can't give up once.
Speaker 1: She only wants to take three because if she only
Speaker 1: takes three, then she's not going to make it to
Speaker 1: sleep through the night because she needs to be fully fed.
Speaker 1: So it's like you're just getting up down, up down.
Speaker 1: It's like, uh, up down, up down, up down. That
Speaker 1: song I can't even remember his name was one of
Speaker 1: my favorite artists right now. It's a country song. I mean,
Speaker 1: but my brain is that's where my brain is. It's
Speaker 1: gone anyway, So that's your day. And I don't have
Speaker 1: time to make new friends right now, which is really
Speaker 1: hard for me because I am someone who has always
Speaker 1: been a people person. I have always gone out, I've
Speaker 1: always been involved in the community. I want to be
Speaker 1: involved in the community. I want to be actively involved
Speaker 1: in my community, and I want to be actually involved
Speaker 1: with my friends. I want to go to lunch as.
Speaker 1: I want to support my friends when they are doing
Speaker 1: business stuff and they have like events. I want to
Speaker 1: I want to make a new friend, like I meet
Speaker 1: people all the time on my podcast and I want
Speaker 1: to be their friend. I want to make a new
Speaker 1: friend when they invite me over for dinner and they
Speaker 1: want to cook me and Michael dinner. I want to go.
Speaker 1: I want to join. I want to be on a board.
Speaker 1: I got asked to be on this beautiful art board
Speaker 1: that's like, can I've really changed the landscape of Nashville
Speaker 1: as far as the arts go, But I I want
Speaker 1: to be on that board. I want to be someone
Speaker 1: in the community who's making a difference and being evolved
Speaker 1: with important stuff because I love that and I want
Speaker 1: to help. And I just love being involved and included
Speaker 1: and the city is amazing, and I want to give
Speaker 1: back however I can. And I love the socialization of it,
Speaker 1: like I love people, and I love all my friends
Speaker 1: because all my friends make a difference with their lives
Speaker 1: and they combine their energies and they do great stuff.
Speaker 1: And I want to be a part of that. And
Speaker 1: I always have tried to do that, and it's something
Speaker 1: I've really value. And I've always been pretty much a
Speaker 1: yes person unless yes person first, Like I've pretty much
Speaker 1: always said yes first, and then I'll say no if
Speaker 1: I can't do it, which I will always try to
Speaker 1: figure out how to make it work. That's why everyone's
Speaker 1: always like, Yo, you're so busy, how do you do
Speaker 1: all this stuff, and I'm like, because I'm freaking saying
Speaker 1: yes to everything because I want all these opportunities. I
Speaker 1: secretly have this fear that if I say no to
Speaker 1: an opportunity, then I'm not going to get another one,
Speaker 1: Like no one's going to ask me to do anything
Speaker 1: again if I say no. And that's fear that all
Speaker 1: goes back to myself worth stuff that I struggle with,
Speaker 1: like if I don't really keep up and really like
Speaker 1: stay involved, and people are gonna stop including me and
Speaker 1: these amazing opportunities to be involved. And I just finally
Speaker 1: had a breakdown today and I was like, I cannot
Speaker 1: be a yes person anymore. I have to be a
Speaker 1: no person first. I have to say no first, which
Speaker 1: is so hard for me. And I'm a people pleaser
Speaker 1: and like I said, I want to be involved, but
Speaker 1: like I have to be a no person right now,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna cry. I'm sorry, I always cry on
Speaker 1: these sometimes We're like that is so freaking hard for
Speaker 1: me because I want to be involved and I don't
Speaker 1: want to say no to opportunities that I like love
Speaker 1: and I want to be involved with, but I have
Speaker 1: to say no right now, Like I had to cancel
Speaker 1: a dinner with a new friend tomorrow, and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have to cancel my babysitter that I had already canceled
Speaker 1: once and then I rebooked her because we changed the
Speaker 1: date of the dinner. And then after I got no
Speaker 1: sleep for the past like two days, I had to
Speaker 1: cancel with this new friend. And I feel like a
Speaker 1: total butthole because I'm like, I just met this person.
Speaker 1: She's someone I want to pursue a friendship with. I
Speaker 1: think she's awesome. She invited me and Michael out to
Speaker 1: her house. She's cooking as dinner. We planned it a
Speaker 1: week ago. She really wants to make it special, and
Speaker 1: now here I am canceling. But I can't do it
Speaker 1: right now. I just can't do it because we're about
Speaker 1: to travel for three weeks for Christmas. Sunday is gonna
Speaker 1: be all off her schedule. I'm sure she's gonna wake up.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be exhausted, and I'm gonna be just a
Speaker 1: really shitty version of myself. I'm already so exhausted and
Speaker 1: barely hanging on. I can't join this committee and be
Speaker 1: on the spoort for the art arts. I mean I
Speaker 1: can totally lend my name and help in any way
Speaker 1: I can, but I can't do anything to Spearheaded right now,
Speaker 1: which sucks. I want to. I can't go out to
Speaker 1: my new friend's house and have dinner with her tomorrow
Speaker 1: on a Sunday and have a babysitter come over and
Speaker 1: feed sending her bottle and potentially Sunday not drink the
Speaker 1: whole bottle. What if she doesn't go to sleep? What
Speaker 1: if it's a like what if she all the what
Speaker 1: if that happened at nighttime with your baby that you're
Speaker 1: just I don't like to leave anywhere until thirty when
Speaker 1: she's already asleep, and I was gonna have to leave
Speaker 1: like four thirty, so then that's two feedings with someone else.
Speaker 1: What if she doesn't get her bottle down and then
Speaker 1: she I mean, you know what I'm saying, And I
Speaker 1: just like, I can't do it. I can't do it
Speaker 1: right now. I can't do it right now. And that's
Speaker 1: why I cried. Because I'm trying to do too much.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to still keep my old life going. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to still be that person that says yes to everything.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to be involved. I'm trying to have people
Speaker 1: want me involved in trying to like be part of
Speaker 1: the community. But I just can't do it right now.
Speaker 1: I have to say no because I cannot wear myself.
Speaker 1: Then yes, I need to go out and I need
Speaker 1: to take care of myself and do some things for me,
Speaker 1: which involves staying close to my house right now, like
Speaker 1: going on a walk, going up the street to a
Speaker 1: friend's house, going to hot yoga up the street. I
Speaker 1: mean it is, it's simple things for me, is what
Speaker 1: I need to do. I can't go to places that
Speaker 1: are thirty minutes away because that's an hour drive total.
Speaker 1: That's thirty minutes there, thirty minutes back. Sonny hates her
Speaker 1: carcia right now, so she's crying the whole time. She
Speaker 1: won't need her bottle. Then I probably have to do
Speaker 1: two feedings on the road. Stress stress, stress, stress, sres
Speaker 1: stress stress. I can't do it right now. I have
Speaker 1: to say no, and that makes me feel like a
Speaker 1: total loser. But you know what I can't. I had
Speaker 1: this revelation today and I'm like, this is just where
Speaker 1: I am. I have to prioritize myself and Sunny and
Speaker 1: my mental health which I'm not mentally unhealthy, but like
Speaker 1: my rest, I have to prioritize my rest because sleep
Speaker 1: deprivation is a real thing, and I can't push myself
Speaker 1: to the point where I'm falling apart, because then I'm
Speaker 1: not going to be a good mom. And this is
Speaker 1: just a season of life and it's where I am.
Speaker 1: And I had a hard talk with myself because I
Speaker 1: drove home from our friend's party today send he did
Speaker 1: a great job, and now she's in sleep and it
Speaker 1: was so hard to get her bottle down, but I
Speaker 1: got it down. And I would never have wanted someone
Speaker 1: else to do it, because everyone else would have given
Speaker 1: up on getting her bottle down, but I didn't. I
Speaker 1: changed her like a million different seats and positions and
Speaker 1: put her all over the place until she finally got
Speaker 1: it all down, burped her like four times, and yes,
Speaker 1: was it exhausting, uh huh, But it's worth it to
Speaker 1: me because I want a baby that sleep so night.
Speaker 1: And I swattered swallowed her really good, and then I
Speaker 1: got and the freaking bathtub at eight o'clock and now
Speaker 1: I'm talking to you guys, and I'm like, this is
Speaker 1: the only thing I can do. I had to canceled
Speaker 1: my apprint lands tomorrow. I felt like a total asshole
Speaker 1: canceling with my new friend that I want to pursue
Speaker 1: this friendship with. But I said to myself, Karlen, you're
Speaker 1: gonna show up there and you're going to be a
Speaker 1: bad version of yourself. Yes. Can I put on the
Speaker 1: front and really go for it? Yeah? But am I
Speaker 1: going to break myself down because I'm trying too hard
Speaker 1: to do everything for everyone and keep my old life going. Yeah?
Speaker 1: So you know what, I sent her a voice memo.
Speaker 1: I was really freaking honest. I spelled it out, what's
Speaker 1: going on. I told her that I'm just exhausted. We're
Speaker 1: about to travel three weeks, just freaking honest. I did
Speaker 1: the same thing for the woman who has been so
Speaker 1: awesome to include me in this art event that's coming
Speaker 1: to Nashville, and I spelled it out for her, and
Speaker 1: I said the truth. And I hate it that I
Speaker 1: can't do everything right now, but it is just where
Speaker 1: I am and I'm accepting that. And so I am
Speaker 1: just sharing my audio diary with you all right now.
Speaker 1: I'm sharing where I am. I'm sharing with you all
Speaker 1: that I am having to say no. I'm in a
Speaker 1: season of no and I'm embracing it. And I have
Speaker 1: amazing friends, I have amazing family, and I'm accepting the
Speaker 1: fact that I don't show up and do everything. People
Speaker 1: are still gonna like me. I will still be included
Speaker 1: and stuff. But right now I cannot do it, and
Speaker 1: I have to choose myself, and I have to choose Sunny,
Speaker 1: and I have to filter everything through, and I have
Speaker 1: to choose Michael obviously. But like we were always on
Speaker 1: the same page, as as like working together as a team,
Speaker 1: we're not always on the same page, but we're great
Speaker 1: at communicating what page we need to get on and
Speaker 1: expressing ourselves. So but like Sunny, she's a baby, she
Speaker 1: can't speak up. I have to choose her needs first.
Speaker 1: I have to. That's just where I am in my life,
Speaker 1: and so that's my That's where I am, and it
Speaker 1: involves me being home a lot more, involves me being
Speaker 1: and stretch pants a lot more, and involves me having
Speaker 1: b O sometimes because I haven't taken a freaking shower
Speaker 1: and I've taken a nap instead of working out, and
Speaker 1: my hair is in a disgusting bun. But I'm not
Speaker 1: as exact as exhaust as I would have been if
Speaker 1: I tried to put all makeup, do my hair and
Speaker 1: go somewhere and still be social. So I am learning
Speaker 1: how to let my old self die in order to
Speaker 1: become the best version of my new self, which I
Speaker 1: love and I am embracing. And it is a transition,
Speaker 1: and I hope that you can give yourself grace if
Speaker 1: you are transitioning into any new phase of life. It
Speaker 1: doesn't even have to be a new motherhood. Maybe it's
Speaker 1: you're breaking up with someone, or maybe you're just getting married,
Speaker 1: or maybe you're moving cities, or maybe you have a
Speaker 1: new job, or maybe you just lost someone, or who
Speaker 1: knows what it is. But for whatever reason, if you
Speaker 1: were in a new transition of life, it's okay to
Speaker 1: say no. Just say no. It doesn't mean that you're
Speaker 1: not going to say yes again. It doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: you're not going to find a new normal. But if
Speaker 1: you're overwhelmed, and if you're tired, and if you're showing
Speaker 1: up in a shitty version of yourself, and you're not
Speaker 1: being the best version of yourself because you're trying too
Speaker 1: hard to please other people when it's wearing you out
Speaker 1: say no, and trust that the people that love you
Speaker 1: are always gonna love you, and your passions are always
Speaker 1: going to be there, and your purpose is always going
Speaker 1: to keep presenting itself, and just give yourself freaking grace. Amen.
Speaker 1: That's not a I'm not a preacher. I just that's
Speaker 1: my rant. I am very spiritual, but I'm not trying
Speaker 1: to say I'm a preacher, so please don't take that
Speaker 1: in that way. But that is how I feel. And
Speaker 1: now I'm going to go get in bed. I'm going
Speaker 1: to pump my boobs and I'm going to try to
Speaker 1: go to sleep until they wake me up again at
Speaker 1: three in the morning because I can't wait till eleven
Speaker 1: thirty to pump them. I can't. I have to go
Speaker 1: to bed right this second. Or maybe I'll go to
Speaker 1: bed right now and just let him pump and pump
Speaker 1: them like three two in the morning. I don't know
Speaker 1: what I'm gonna do, but it's gonna involve going to
Speaker 1: sleep really soon. And that's it. So I love you guys.
Speaker 1: Thank you all for joining me on my audio journal
Speaker 1: as I am chronicling my life as a new mom.
Speaker 1: I love you, guys, and these mom chats are very
Speaker 1: therapeutic for me, and I hope that they help you.
Speaker 1: And all your mom is out there, all your people
Speaker 1: out there doing it, working hard. Give yourself a break,
Speaker 1: take your bath, take your shower, give yourself grace. Have
Speaker 1: a glass of wine if you want a glass of wine.
Speaker 1: I don't know want a drink right now, because I
Speaker 1: thought of having any sort of hangover sounds like sheer
Speaker 1: torture on top of sure, on top of exhaustion. So
Speaker 1: I love y'all, good night, and just have a little
Speaker 1: grace for yourself.