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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: Green flags are the behaviors, words, and feelings that make

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Speaker 2: you feel seen, heard, safe, healthy, and supported by the

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Speaker 2: other person.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghurspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 2: women like you. We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Broussard, a

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Speaker 2: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 3: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 3: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 3: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 3: fibroids to fake friends, and create a safe space where

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Speaker 3: black women can just.

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Speaker 2: Be Hey, Lady's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her

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Speaker 2: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state

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Speaker 2: of California in contemplating starting your therapy journey. Well, if so,

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Speaker 2: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brussard dot com.

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Speaker 2: That's d R D O M I N I q

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Speaker 2: U E B R O U ss ar D dot

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Speaker 2: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look

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Speaker 2: forward to hearing from you our quote of the day,

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Speaker 2: love in such a way that the person you love

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Speaker 2: feels free by Antique not Han. And I'm going to

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Speaker 2: read that quote again because I feel like it's such

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Speaker 2: a powerful quote and it's applicable to any relationship, not

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Speaker 2: just a romantic one. Love in such a way that

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Speaker 2: the person you love feels free.

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Speaker 3: Who see, girl, You've picked out a hell of a quote.

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Speaker 3: When I saw that, I said, oh damn, that's like

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Speaker 3: a whole sermon right there. Wow, what does that mean

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Speaker 3: to you? Don like what comes for you? Because I

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Speaker 3: need a moment to just process it.

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Speaker 2: You know what comes up for me is that, like

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Speaker 2: I mentioned, this being applicable to not just a romantic relationship,

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Speaker 2: but to anybody in my life that I love that

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Speaker 2: I want them to feel free. I want them to

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Speaker 2: feel that my love for them is not conditional, that

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Speaker 2: receiving love for me is something that they look forward to,

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Speaker 2: something that they can embrace and be and be celebrated.

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Speaker 2: What about for you, girl? It's powerful, That's all I

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Speaker 2: can say. I feel like we need to read that

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Speaker 2: quote like five times. The quote is so powerful. What

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Speaker 2: comes up for me, don when I hear you read

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Speaker 2: that quote is one that makes me think about personal

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Speaker 2: experiences and also the experiences of friends that I've heard

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Speaker 2: about in the past, and many of us probably when

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Speaker 2: we've had like that young love stage where you go

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Speaker 2: through the honeymoon phase, but then you realize that the

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Speaker 2: love that was supposed to be free, freeing, right or

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Speaker 2: liberating is confining. It kind of chokes you and stifles

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Speaker 2: you right right. And I'm just thinking about what that

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Speaker 2: really means. I believe it means loving someone regardless of

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Speaker 2: if they want to move away and pursue a career

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Speaker 2: or whether they want to do something that you may

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Speaker 2: not agree with. It makes me think about the love

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Speaker 2: that I have for my family and my siblings in

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Speaker 2: particular my daughter, my husband, Like those are That's a

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Speaker 2: powerful quote that really just it really speaks to unconditional love,

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Speaker 2: right wow, Okay, Yeah, the person can just be unapologetically

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Speaker 2: themselves like they feel to me, that's what being free is,

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Speaker 2: is that you can be your whole self, unapologetically and unconditional. Right.

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Speaker 3: And it's like, I wonder how many of us can

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Speaker 3: say that we are in relationship with folks, whether it's

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Speaker 3: platonic or not, right, where you feel like you can

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Speaker 3: be free, right, that love is freeing to you? Or

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Speaker 3: do you feel like you have to hide something or

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Speaker 3: you can't be your full self, or you know you

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Speaker 3: may not get support if you want to do something

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Speaker 3: that the person disagrees with. So, Lady, this is a lot. Right,

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Speaker 3: We're going to cover a really fun conversation today. And

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Speaker 3: I know for us, oftentimes we hear about the red flags.

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Speaker 3: We hear about the red flags that should give us

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Speaker 3: pause or the red flags that should hopefully prompt a

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Speaker 3: full sprint in the opposite direction. But today we're going

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Speaker 3: to chat about the cream flags. Right, what are the

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Speaker 3: positive signs that we should be paying attention to when

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Speaker 3: it comes to our partner or our business partner, right,

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Speaker 3: whether it's intimate, platonic, sexual, or just business like, we're

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Speaker 3: going to talk a bit about that. Lady and Domina

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Speaker 3: are going to share a few examples of exceptional behaviors

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Speaker 3: that made us like, Oh, this person is a keeper.

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna keep them around. Right, we're going to talk

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Speaker 3: a bit about the green flags that you should be

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Speaker 3: looking out for, but also the green flags that you

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Speaker 3: should ideally be cultivating within yourself. And Liddy, you want

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Speaker 3: to stay until the end because we're also going to

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Speaker 3: share a few things that seem like relationship or positive

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Speaker 3: relationship qualities. Right, you're gonna be like, Oh, that sounds positive,

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Speaker 3: but they actually aren't really healthy, So you'll want to

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Speaker 3: stay until the end for that. And don When you

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Speaker 3: think about a green flag, what is the definition? Because

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Speaker 3: I feel like social media we see the rand flags everywhere,

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Speaker 3: So what are the What is the definition of a

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Speaker 3: green flag?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's important to define that, right, So,

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Speaker 2: a greenplay typically are the behaviors, words, and feelings that

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Speaker 2: make you feel seeing, heard, safe, healthy, and supported by

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Speaker 2: the other person. So I'm gonna say that one most

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Speaker 2: time for the people in the back, green flags are

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Speaker 2: the behaviors, words, and feelings that make you feel seen, heard, safe, healthy,

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Speaker 2: and supported by the other person.

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Speaker 3: So see, when you hear.

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Speaker 2: That definition, what are the things that come to mind

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Speaker 2: for you, like immediately when you when you hear that definition, well.

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Speaker 3: When you say that, I think the first thing I

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Speaker 3: thought of was one putting an asterisk next to it,

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Speaker 3: because I'm thinking, I feel like if you, if you,

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Speaker 3: if we lean into that definition and we kind of

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Speaker 3: take it as an all the nothing situation, it doesn't

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Speaker 3: leave for mistakes, it doesn't leave room for less than

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Speaker 3: great moments. Like I remember on the podcast I was

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Speaker 3: talking about, I think I shared this with y'all, like

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Speaker 3: a couple of weeks ago, I had a very i

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Speaker 3: would say poor communication moment where I was like, damn it, girl,

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Speaker 3: this is something you learned about a decade ago. And

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Speaker 3: so I don't think we should be defined by those

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Speaker 3: low moments. And so when I think about a green flight,

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Speaker 3: I don't think it's about having a great moment with

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Speaker 3: someone right, like whether you give them a gift or

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Speaker 3: a compliment or a nice text message. But it's more

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Speaker 3: about the long term, like the sign of a long

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Speaker 3: term compatibility with a friend, a coworker, a lover. So

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Speaker 3: it reminds me of a question I used to ask

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Speaker 3: myself when I was in a stage in life where

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Speaker 3: I was gaslighting myself in a relationship, and I would ask, Okay,

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Speaker 3: how does this relationship make me feel most of the time?

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Speaker 3: Like how would I describe the theme or the common

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Speaker 3: trend of the relationship versus Oh, I just got a

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Speaker 3: cute gift or I just got a compliment. It's like,

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Speaker 3: how do I feel most of the time? And so

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Speaker 3: I think that's what it makes That's what it makes

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Speaker 3: me think of when you read that definition. Hey, hey, lady,

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Speaker 3: this conversation is just getting started. It's going to get

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Speaker 3: so much better. But first, we have a quick update

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Speaker 3: to stay tuned and we'll hop right back into this conversation. Okay, lady,

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Speaker 3: All right, let's hop back into the show. What about you?

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Speaker 3: Don Yeah, I like that.

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Speaker 2: I like that because it's you know, I started off

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Speaker 2: by saying typically right, and I was intentional about saying

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Speaker 2: typically for that exact reason that that asterid right. That

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Speaker 2: it's not an all or nothing. It's not well if

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Speaker 2: this person every single time, because we are human and

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Speaker 2: we are going to make mistakes. But the key is

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Speaker 2: how do you typically feel around that person? Right? That

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Speaker 2: If typically you feel seen, heard, safe, healthy and supported

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Speaker 2: by them, then this might be a keeper.

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Speaker 3: All right, girl, I want to get all of your business.

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Speaker 3: Let's talk about real life situations where we have noticed

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Speaker 3: green flags and people where we're like, you know what,

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Speaker 3: I'm going to keep you around? Does anyone come to

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Speaker 3: mind for you or like any situations or relationships? They

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Speaker 3: have so.

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Speaker 2: Many And when I was reflecting on that, I was like,

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Speaker 2: oh my gosh, like that is beautiful to feel like

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Speaker 2: there are so many people in my life where I

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Speaker 2: do feel seen, heard, safe, healthy, and supported.

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Speaker 3: And I feel that.

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Speaker 2: In multiple dimensions of my life. So I think about

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Speaker 2: I think about this podcast, right, and I think about

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Speaker 2: my relationship with you that I always feel And I

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Speaker 2: know I said we're not gonna do the all or nothing,

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Speaker 2: but I will say that in this relationship I do

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Speaker 2: feel seen, heard, safe, healthy, and supported by you. And

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Speaker 2: I think that even in those moments where we may

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Speaker 2: have had like a disagreement or some conflict, I still

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Speaker 2: felt safe in those moments. And to me, that is

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Speaker 2: a sign of a true green flag, that even when

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Speaker 2: there is conflict, you still feel safe and you still

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Speaker 2: feel supported.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: And when I say safe, I'm not just referring to

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Speaker 2: physical safety, because I mean, I know I know Terry

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Speaker 2: got them hands that she could if we need if

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Speaker 2: it got doubt to it, she could, right. But what

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Speaker 2: I refer to is that emotional safety as well, Right

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Speaker 2: that even when something feels difficult and it might feel

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Speaker 2: scary to bring it up and talk about it, I

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Speaker 2: feel safe in doing so because I know that we

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Speaker 2: will work we will work it out, and that you're

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Speaker 2: not going to say something or do something or make

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Speaker 2: me feel unsafe or disrespective.

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Speaker 3: Why you got me a little emotional because I'm like,

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Speaker 3: oh with dom hearts, So thank you for that, and

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Speaker 3: I'll share one of mine in the second. But I

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Speaker 3: do want to say, Dom, you said something really powerful.

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Speaker 3: You spoke to really how someone responds in the face

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Speaker 3: of conflict and pressure. And I feel like that is

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Speaker 3: an indicator right there, like how does this person treat

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Speaker 3: me when I don't do what they want me to do?

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Speaker 3: Or how does this person treat me when I make

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Speaker 3: a mistake or when we're in a disagreement, That right

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Speaker 3: there can tell you a lot. Like you ever hear

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Speaker 3: someone say go on a vacation with someone that you're

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Speaker 3: in a relationship with, the kind of see see see

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Speaker 3: what kind of see what kind of vibes that age

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Speaker 3: comes down. I remember when years ago my husband and

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Speaker 3: I went I think it was like Barcelona or something,

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Speaker 3: and I actually made a huge mistake and I purchased

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Speaker 3: the wrong train ticket to get us to I don't

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Speaker 3: know what city we were going to, but it was funny.

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Speaker 3: We had we like took a little separation in the

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Speaker 3: train station, took a moment together, but when we reflected

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Speaker 3: on the holistic experience, we did a very good job

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Speaker 3: navigating that. And so just thinking about how does this

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Speaker 3: person respond when things are stressful or are going crazy? Right,

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Speaker 3: So I want to say, Dom, you are definitely one

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Speaker 3: person on my list. I think about how I feel

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Speaker 3: when we commune and when we engage, and even during

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Speaker 3: stressful periods. Right, I think about the kind gestures like

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Speaker 3: can I share the story about when I yes, I

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Speaker 3: was gonna say we could edit it out if you

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Speaker 3: say no, but go ahead. I was coming home with

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Speaker 3: my family a couple of weeks ago. Maybe well, first,

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Speaker 3: let me give context. So Don came to visit me

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Speaker 3: and we did podcast work. We recorded some episodes and

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Speaker 3: she had this cute ass vest on and I was like, ooh, girl,

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Speaker 3: did that's this cute where you get that from? She

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Speaker 3: was I think it was Macy's And I was say, okay, girl, y'all.

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Speaker 3: How about I come home a couple of weeks later

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Speaker 3: and I have this package and my husband's like, oh,

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Speaker 3: you got a package. I was like, okay, it must

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Speaker 3: be something I'll order the baby because I didn't remember

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Speaker 3: ordering anything from Macy's. And I opened it up and

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Speaker 3: I just stopped in my track. I was like, oh

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Speaker 3: my gosh, Dom went out and got me the vest

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Speaker 3: the right size. It was so thoughtful, and it was

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Speaker 3: just it was a small gesture, something you didn't have

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Speaker 3: to do. And I just think about them many times

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Speaker 3: where you've gotten something for a baby Z or me

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Speaker 3: or my family, like my husband included, like, you get

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Speaker 3: us things, and it's just the thought that counts, and

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Speaker 3: it's just sweet. It doesn't always have to be a gift.

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Speaker 3: But I think about text messages around certain occasions and

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Speaker 3: stuff like that, and I will say, Dom, the way

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Speaker 3: that you treat me, it prompts me to model that behavior,

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Speaker 3: even if I wasn't thinking about it, because sometimes I

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Speaker 3: know life is busy on both of our ends, right,

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Speaker 3: and I think I don't know girl. Sometimes having a baby,

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Speaker 3: I just sometimes things just don't be clicking. I feel

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Speaker 3: like for the longest time when I was pregnant, girl,

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Speaker 3: I feel like when I was pregnant or around that stage,

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Speaker 3: like I feel like you were getting me a lot

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Speaker 3: of stuff, Like you were giving a lot and I

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Speaker 3: had the moment of like, wait, dom, it's gotten me

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Speaker 3: a lot of things. I need to reciprocate. Like I

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Speaker 3: just felt like life was just all over and I did.

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Speaker 3: I wasn't being intentional about that, so it made me

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Speaker 3: like step into it, like wait, I need to make

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Speaker 3: sure I'm getting my homegirl something, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 3: So I would say you were definitely one of those people.

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Speaker 2: Thank you. I am glad that we have that reciprocal

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Speaker 2: relationship right that. And you know, honestly, our podcast has

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Speaker 2: been going strong for so long because we have that

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Speaker 2: healthy dynamic, and I think that it is a good

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Speaker 2: model for how people can interact, like in friendship, but

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Speaker 2: then also like in business and thinking about what those

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Speaker 2: healthy dynamics really look like. And I think about our

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Speaker 2: team that we work with and how we are you

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Speaker 2: and I are intentional and in how we communicate and

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Speaker 2: how we engage with our team, so that we are

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Speaker 2: trying to demonstrate these green flags like constantly and then

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Speaker 2: reevaluating if it seems like we're.

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Speaker 3: Not aiman to that dom. I do want to share

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Speaker 3: a couple other examples, because there were some things that

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Speaker 3: really stood out to me as I was reflecting on

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Speaker 3: my relationships. I have a friend who listened to the

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Speaker 3: podcast shout out to Biagi, And one of the things

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Speaker 3: that really stood out to me when I met biage

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Speaker 3: years ago, and I think it was like more than

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Speaker 3: a decade ago, is that we were having a conversation

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Speaker 3: some time ago, and I remember we were talking about someone,

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Speaker 3: a mutual friend that we both knew, and I remember

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Speaker 3: it wasn't like a malicious or nasty conversation, but I

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Speaker 3: remember something about something personal came up about that person,

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Speaker 3: and I believe I may have either asked a question.

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Speaker 3: I don't remember the context, but I remember Beyagi set

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Speaker 3: a clear boundary with me about not sharing this mutual

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Speaker 3: friend's business or something specific that it happened with that person.

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Speaker 3: And that actually made me feel safe because I was like,

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Speaker 3: oh damn if she is having gone one on one

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Speaker 3: conversation with me and she trusts me like I wouldn't

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Speaker 3: say anything, but she's setting a boundary about someone else's

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Speaker 3: life experience or situation or whatever it might be. I

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Speaker 3: know that she would do that for me when I'm

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Speaker 3: not a and so I never forgot that big. I

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Speaker 3: really took that to heart, and it means a lot

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Speaker 3: to me. And it also gives me some good behavior

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Speaker 3: to model in my own life as well when I'm

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Speaker 3: interacting with other people. So that was another flag for

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Speaker 3: me that stood out to me don like as a

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Speaker 3: green flag in our friendship. I love that.

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Speaker 2: I really love like that piece about and we're gonna go, lady,

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Speaker 2: we will go through several green flags that you want

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Speaker 2: to look out for, but I think that one around

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Speaker 2: setting the boundaries is really good, right, Like that's a

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Speaker 2: really and we talk about boundaries a lot, but like

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Speaker 2: what does that look like in action? And I feel

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Speaker 2: like that's a great example of what that looks like

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Speaker 2: in action? Right, And speaking of boundaries, you know, an

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Speaker 2: example that comes up for me is in my in work, right,

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Speaker 2: and I want I'm gonna go in ahead and shout

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Speaker 2: out my coworker Meredith because she respects my boundaries, right,

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Speaker 2: and so like we might be working on a project

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Speaker 2: or you know, creating like a program, and we're trying

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Speaker 2: to set up a time to meet and we'll check in, Okay,

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Speaker 2: well does this have to get done after work or

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Speaker 2: can this wait till tomorrow or wait ooh looking at

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Speaker 2: our schedules, the only time we have to meet is

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Speaker 2: during lunch?

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Speaker 3: Is that what we want to do?

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Speaker 2: And I can appreciate her checking in. But then also

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Speaker 2: if I set a boundary and I say no, I'm

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Speaker 2: stopping at this time, we stop at that time, right,

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Speaker 2: and we check in, and maybe I might say, you

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Speaker 2: know what, I'm actually still feeling okay, we can keep going.

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Speaker 2: But there's that respect of my boundaries. There's this checking

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Speaker 2: in of what are your boundaries? And I can appreciate

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Speaker 2: that because one, in this culture, of this capitalist culture

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Speaker 2: of like overproductivity and burning and being burned out, I

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Speaker 2: appreciate the intentionality around, well, if you were wont to

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Speaker 2: be doing this work, because we work with black students

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Speaker 2: on a college predominantly white college campus, right, and if

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Speaker 2: we're gonna be doing this work, we can't be burned out,

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Speaker 2: because then who's going to do the work. And so

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Speaker 2: I appreciate being respected in that way of what are

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Speaker 2: your boundaries and wait, hold on, I'm gonna respect your

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Speaker 2: boundaries too.

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Speaker 3: Again, that goes back to what we said earlier about

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Speaker 3: how someone responds when there's potential conflict or they don't

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Speaker 3: agree like I love that you have that support, even

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Speaker 3: in the workplace, because oftentimes we see people trying to

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Speaker 3: push those boundaries like Okay, you do this thing real quick,

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Speaker 3: or oh it's for the students, whether it's like manipulation

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Speaker 3: or guilt tripping and all that. So I'm excited for

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Speaker 3: us to dive into the green flags and also dive

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Speaker 3: into the things that seem like positive relationship qualities and

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Speaker 3: actually aren't. The last thing I want to share, though,

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Speaker 3: DOM is about an intimate relationship. I don't talk too

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Speaker 3: much about my relationship on the podcast because it really

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Speaker 3: isn't the focus. But I do want to shout out

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Speaker 3: my husband really quickly, because we had what could have

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Speaker 3: been a tough conversation recently and he held space for

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Speaker 3: me in a really beautiful way. And I think about

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Speaker 3: how he supports us with the podcast. I think about

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Speaker 3: he does right. I think about even like traveling down

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Speaker 3: like being a new mom and traveling like some spouses.

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Speaker 3: Let's be really some spouses really be hating on their partner.

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Speaker 3: You know, some some partners just be hating on their partner,

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Speaker 3: like they don't want you to do stuff, they don't

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Speaker 3: want you to you know, have opportunities for development or

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Speaker 3: potentially make more than them, or just so many different things.

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Speaker 3: And so coming from or thinking about toxic relationships, I've

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Speaker 3: been in the past where someone really tried to stifle

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Speaker 3: me and like wanted to keep me confined and like

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Speaker 3: keep me in this box and not want me to

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Speaker 3: do anything. I'm just really appreciative to have that and

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Speaker 3: a partner and lady. Again, this does not mean that

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Speaker 3: you don't have bad moments right or that there won't

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Speaker 3: be a red flag here there in the midst that

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Speaker 3: comes up. But we're talking about how do people recover

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Speaker 3: from those moments and also what is the general theme.

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Speaker 3: So this takes us on to our first green flag,

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Speaker 3: which is high self awareness. High self awareness. I love

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Speaker 3: this one down because it makes me think about is

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Speaker 3: someone one I think you have to I believe everyone

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Speaker 3: should have a relationship with themselves, and in order to

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Speaker 3: be self aware, I believe there has to be a

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Speaker 3: level of relationship that you have with self, right, Like,

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Speaker 3: are you able to admit when you mess up? Are

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Speaker 3: you able to just be open and honest about your

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Speaker 3: feelings and just the conversations that you're having internally so

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Speaker 3: that you can support your partner but also support yourself.

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Speaker 3: So I think that high self awareness is really important.

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Speaker 3: I agree.

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Speaker 2: I think that knowing yourself allows you to be able

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Speaker 2: to do some of these other green flags that we're

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Speaker 2: going to get into, right, which is why I think

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Speaker 2: it was important for us to start with this high

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Speaker 2: self awareness as the first green flag, Because if I

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Speaker 2: don't have a relationship with myself, if I don't know

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Speaker 2: what are the things that I do really well? Yeah,

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Speaker 2: what are the things that I might need to work on?

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Speaker 2: What do I need from a partner? Then all these

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Speaker 2: other things that I might become the person with the

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Speaker 2: red flags exactly.

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Speaker 3: I'm glad you said that down because I was going

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Speaker 3: to ask, like, are those listening who may be like, h,

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Speaker 3: what does that look like in action? I think you

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Speaker 3: gave some really good examples of what having high self

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Speaker 3: awareness looks like. So thank you for covering that. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So then that takes us to our second green flag,

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Speaker 2: which is empathy, And I want to be clear on

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Speaker 2: the difference between empathy and sympathy. So sympathy is I

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Speaker 2: feel sorry for you that you are going through this.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: For some folks, sympathy might also be aligned with pitying

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Speaker 2: someone else, right like, oh my god, I'm glad that's

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Speaker 2: not me. Whereas empathy is the ability to take on

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Speaker 2: the other person's perspective. So putting yourself in the other

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00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:14,800
Speaker 2: person's shoes is the phrase we often use. Right, So,

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Speaker 2: someone who has empathy is someone who doesn't have to

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Speaker 2: have experienced that same thing, but they're able to say, Okay,

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Speaker 2: I could understand why you might be going through this,

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Speaker 2: and then it doesn't require that I like it or

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Speaker 2: I agree with it. I don't even focus on that

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Speaker 2: piece of it. What I'm focused on is I understand

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Speaker 2: what you might be going through. I understand how you

435
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:58,560
Speaker 2: could be feeling this way. I understand why you may

436
00:26:58,600 --> 00:26:59,960
Speaker 2: have made that decision that.

437
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,280
Speaker 3: Hey lady, it's Terry here, dom and I want to

438
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:06,240
Speaker 3: take a moment to thank you for choosing to listen

439
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,800
Speaker 3: to our podcast. We love you for real, and we

440
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:10,560
Speaker 3: want to give you a chance to learn more about

441
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,359
Speaker 3: what's important to us, So tell us what you think

442
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:13,760
Speaker 3: about this.

443
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,120
Speaker 2: Imagine a world where you have a chance to get

444
00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:21,679
Speaker 2: featured on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your business,

445
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:27,440
Speaker 2: brand or perspective with millions around the globe. Imagine joining

446
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:31,120
Speaker 2: our monthly virtual video check ins where you can connect

447
00:27:31,119 --> 00:27:34,280
Speaker 2: with like minded black women like you and share your

448
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:38,639
Speaker 2: ideas and episode suggestions with Terry and I. Now, I

449
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:41,199
Speaker 2: want you to imagine a world where you're in the

450
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:46,959
Speaker 2: exclusive Cultivating her Space sanctuary Slack channel, and throughout your

451
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,960
Speaker 2: day and week, you are conversing with us about what's

452
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 2: happening in your life and sharing funny gifts and or

453
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,840
Speaker 2: personal wins. How does that sound?

454
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,520
Speaker 3: Hopefully this is up your alley, lady, because we are

455
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,840
Speaker 3: taking things to the next level this year, and we're

456
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:04,480
Speaker 3: doubling down on investing in our community. That means you.

457
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,480
Speaker 3: We want to meet you, connect with you, and create

458
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:12,080
Speaker 3: communities of genuine women who love on black women and

459
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:15,680
Speaker 3: push our culture and movement forward. We launched this podcast

460
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,480
Speaker 3: in twenty nineteen and to date we have not missed

461
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:21,960
Speaker 3: a week. We've been great stewards of our platform, all

462
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,920
Speaker 3: while working full time and navigating our own ups and downs.

463
00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:30,800
Speaker 3: We release fresh new content every single Friday like clockwork,

464
00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:34,199
Speaker 3: and we have hundreds of valuable episodes and workshops that

465
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:36,959
Speaker 3: can really help you up level your life. So, if

466
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,040
Speaker 3: you love our mission or you've gotten value from us,

467
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,080
Speaker 3: we invite you to give back and help us push

468
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 3: this community effort forward. Visit Herspace podcast dot com and

469
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,480
Speaker 3: click Patreon. You can learn more about our goals and

470
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:55,280
Speaker 3: exclusive offerings on Patreon, and we highly highly encourage you

471
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,840
Speaker 3: to join the Sister Frontier so that you can get

472
00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:00,760
Speaker 3: someone on one time with us. Have an option for

473
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,239
Speaker 3: you to donate on a one time basis if that

474
00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:07,160
Speaker 3: meets your needs. Again Herspace podcast dot com and you

475
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:10,760
Speaker 3: can click that link that says Patreon. All right, lady

476
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:18,240
Speaker 3: will hop right back into the conversation. I love that, DOM.

477
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:22,200
Speaker 3: I feel like empathy can also be coupled with action sometimes,

478
00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:24,640
Speaker 3: so it's like you're putting on the shoes of someone else.

479
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:27,000
Speaker 3: You're like, Okay, if I were going through this, or

480
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,440
Speaker 3: if considering that this person's going through that, what could

481
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:32,640
Speaker 3: I do? It makes me think about two quick situations. One,

482
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:35,520
Speaker 3: how you DOM. You do a good job of asking

483
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 3: how can I support you? Right, Like when someone's going

484
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,600
Speaker 3: through something how can I support you. I think about

485
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:43,560
Speaker 3: Biagy when I had a miscarriage years ago, although she

486
00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 3: doesn't have children and hasn't experienced that, she mailed me

487
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:49,000
Speaker 3: a beautiful care package with things that were like so

488
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,360
Speaker 3: on target for what I needed at that moment, so

489
00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:54,080
Speaker 3: whether it was like tea and essential oils and things

490
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 3: like that. So that for me, that was so empathetic

491
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 3: because you won one above and beyond, but you also

492
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:01,320
Speaker 3: thought about what I was going through and what I

493
00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:03,640
Speaker 3: might need in that situation and how you put to support.

494
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,640
Speaker 3: So empathy is a great one. The next one is

495
00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:08,680
Speaker 3: one of my favorites. I mean, they're all all the good,

496
00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:11,840
Speaker 3: but this is also so telling to me. How you

497
00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:16,440
Speaker 3: treat others right, treating others well. And I always observe

498
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:20,040
Speaker 3: how people treat folks that cannot do anything for them.

499
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:24,360
Speaker 3: That is a big indicator for me. Right, I'm talking

500
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 3: about I'm talking about housekeepers, right, I'm talking about the

501
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:32,600
Speaker 3: waitress or waiter or the hostess like people who and

502
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:34,680
Speaker 3: again these people are actually doing things for us. But

503
00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:37,880
Speaker 3: I'm talking about perception wise, right, the people that you

504
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:41,240
Speaker 3: perceive that maybe can't do anything for you, even if

505
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:45,440
Speaker 3: it's a person that's experiencing homelessness, right, Like any opportunity

506
00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:47,840
Speaker 3: that you get to see that person interact with others,

507
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:51,520
Speaker 3: observe that, right Because if they're treating others well across

508
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,480
Speaker 3: the board, and it's not just oh, let me just

509
00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:57,160
Speaker 3: treat the CEO or the person with money or status

510
00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,080
Speaker 3: or influence, let me just treat them well and not

511
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:02,320
Speaker 3: other people, I think that's a huge indicator of how

512
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:03,880
Speaker 3: they could be in the relationship too.

513
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:07,960
Speaker 2: It is you are spot on and that it is

514
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:12,600
Speaker 2: a huge indicator of how they might treat you when

515
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:17,520
Speaker 2: you are in a space where and I'm thinking not

516
00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:25,000
Speaker 2: just romantic relationships, but any type of relationship when they

517
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:28,000
Speaker 2: feel when that person feels like there's nothing that you

518
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:32,560
Speaker 2: can offer them, pay attention to how they treat you,

519
00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:40,760
Speaker 2: because how they are treating you should also be reflective

520
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:45,400
Speaker 2: of how they treat others and vice versa. There should

521
00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:53,960
Speaker 2: be consistency there. If they are kind and generous to you,

522
00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:56,680
Speaker 2: then you would hope that they are going to be

523
00:31:56,760 --> 00:32:00,440
Speaker 2: kind and generous to others. But if you see them

524
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:07,680
Speaker 2: being an asshole, expect that at some point that's going

525
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:11,480
Speaker 2: to come to you. So then that takes us to

526
00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:21,240
Speaker 2: number four, respect your boundaries. Now, we've talked about this already,

527
00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:25,920
Speaker 2: right like in the workplace setting, in in the friendship setting,

528
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:29,600
Speaker 2: but then also thinking about it from the romantic sense

529
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:35,120
Speaker 2: and from like a family sense, and families sometimes can

530
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:40,880
Speaker 2: be the hardest one not only to communicate your boundaries,

531
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:43,920
Speaker 2: but two for them to actually respect your boundaries when

532
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:49,080
Speaker 2: you communicate them. So the sign of like a green

533
00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:55,680
Speaker 2: flag of a healthy dynamic is when you clearly communicate.

534
00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:56,240
Speaker 3: Your boundary.

535
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:02,720
Speaker 2: And they respect it. Now, I want to clarify that

536
00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:09,640
Speaker 2: sometimes they might need reminders, but are they respecting it

537
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:13,720
Speaker 2: when you do remind them. The people who you have

538
00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:17,920
Speaker 2: healthy dynamics with are going to respect your boundaries. They

539
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:21,320
Speaker 2: ain't gotta like it, they ain't got to agree with it,

540
00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:24,360
Speaker 2: but they're going to respect your boundaries.

541
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:28,239
Speaker 3: I feel like we've covered this. We've talked a lot

542
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,760
Speaker 3: about boundaries on the podcast. I just did some googling.

543
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:35,080
Speaker 3: Did you ever want to just google our podcast name

544
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:38,320
Speaker 3: with a keyword? Like I just typed in boundaries Cultivating

545
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:40,800
Speaker 3: her Space podcast and I found one of the episodes,

546
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:42,240
Speaker 3: but you have to look through to find the others.

547
00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:47,240
Speaker 3: The episode is season one Dom Wow Season one episode

548
00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:53,080
Speaker 3: nine how to set boundaries effectively? Know is a complete sentence? Cool,

549
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:55,360
Speaker 3: so lady makes you check that out? Right? Oh no,

550
00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:58,440
Speaker 3: I love that Back in the day. Okay, that was

551
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:00,160
Speaker 3: back in the day.

552
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:05,320
Speaker 2: I remember that episode too, But that looks sixteen seasons ago,

553
00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:05,960
Speaker 2: look at us.

554
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:11,400
Speaker 3: Yes, okay. The next one here is, oh, this is good,

555
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:15,720
Speaker 3: has their own life and supports you having your own.

556
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:21,000
Speaker 3: Two Ah, okay, let's just dive into it. Let's see

557
00:34:21,040 --> 00:34:22,120
Speaker 3: having your own life.

558
00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:22,399
Speaker 2: Well.

559
00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:25,360
Speaker 3: One, I think having their own life is super important

560
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:28,759
Speaker 3: because it just supports that one the self awareness, right,

561
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:31,279
Speaker 3: like just being your own person. But I just think

562
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:35,399
Speaker 3: it's so important for people to just have their own right,

563
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:37,800
Speaker 3: Like I think it supports you as a whole person.

564
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:42,720
Speaker 3: It also enables you to build community and a solid

565
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:46,000
Speaker 3: support structure outside of your relationship. I think outside of

566
00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:49,160
Speaker 3: any role in life, right like being a mother, being

567
00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:52,520
Speaker 3: a wife, being a daughter, we should all be having

568
00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:56,160
Speaker 3: our own something, our ownsiness outside of that. I think

569
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:59,839
Speaker 3: that's really important. And then also supporting you having your

570
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:02,480
Speaker 3: ow So they should have their own stuff, and then

571
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:04,720
Speaker 3: you should they should support you having your own as well,

572
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:09,879
Speaker 3: because I think it's just it is given insecurity when

573
00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:13,439
Speaker 3: they don't like it's given in security, given right, it's given.

574
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:14,839
Speaker 3: I want to put you in a box and keep

575
00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:20,839
Speaker 3: you inside. It's not a controlling possessiveness, jealousy, like.

576
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:26,600
Speaker 2: Pushing towards almost maybe an abusive relationship.

577
00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:28,360
Speaker 3: Right because when you think about it, I was just

578
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:30,360
Speaker 3: gonna say, when you have your own community, when you

579
00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:33,440
Speaker 3: have your own life, it keeps it keeps you interesting

580
00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:36,600
Speaker 3: as a person one, It keeps you engaged, It keeps

581
00:35:36,640 --> 00:35:39,080
Speaker 3: you part of something bigger than yourself. But it also

582
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:40,880
Speaker 3: gives you all something to talk about as a couple.

583
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:42,719
Speaker 3: You don't want to be up all under each other

584
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:45,279
Speaker 3: all day twenty four to seven. How we were in

585
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:47,840
Speaker 3: the midst of the pandemic in twenty twenty in particular,

586
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:49,680
Speaker 3: Like you want to be able to have that space

587
00:35:49,680 --> 00:35:52,040
Speaker 3: to go out, have new experiences and come back and

588
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:54,799
Speaker 3: talk about them together, teach other things, all that good stuf.

589
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:55,960
Speaker 3: What were you going to say, don because it look

590
00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:57,160
Speaker 3: like you were about to start preaching. What was you

591
00:35:57,200 --> 00:35:58,480
Speaker 3: gonna say, girl, oh child?

592
00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:01,960
Speaker 2: I was gonna say, you know that it's really my

593
00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:07,319
Speaker 2: therapist told me years ago that the healthy dynamic is

594
00:36:07,360 --> 00:36:12,799
Speaker 2: that your relationship had particularly like this and we're talking

595
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:21,600
Speaker 2: about romantic relationships here. There's interdependence, right that you each

596
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:27,759
Speaker 2: have your own independent lives, you are independent beings, but

597
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:34,959
Speaker 2: then you all come together for interdependence, not codependence, because

598
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:39,120
Speaker 2: with codependence you lose you lose your independence. But with

599
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:45,720
Speaker 2: interdependence there's that ability to you each have your own lives,

600
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:50,160
Speaker 2: your own things, and then you come together for life together.

601
00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:57,280
Speaker 2: And to me, that that is a huge green flag

602
00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:02,279
Speaker 2: of your partner want you to have a life outside

603
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:07,239
Speaker 2: of them, they have a life outside of you, and

604
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:10,880
Speaker 2: then you have that life that you have together. To me,

605
00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:16,399
Speaker 2: that's beautiful because we all need that. Everybody needs that,

606
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:21,560
Speaker 2: and you need that across all of your relationships. Actually,

607
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:26,920
Speaker 2: and I know this is gonna be controversial for some people,

608
00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:30,400
Speaker 2: but I'm gonna just say it anyway, parents and children,

609
00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:39,080
Speaker 2: Your children need to be independent of you. That does

610
00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:42,520
Speaker 2: not mean that you let them go off at three

611
00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:44,719
Speaker 2: years old doing their own thing all the time, make

612
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:49,240
Speaker 2: their own decision. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying

613
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:53,840
Speaker 2: that they need to develop into their own human being.

614
00:37:56,239 --> 00:38:02,200
Speaker 2: Interdependence is the healthy, the healthy dynamics. So then that

615
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:07,959
Speaker 2: takes us to number six. You feel good around them.

616
00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:16,239
Speaker 2: So I think about in all the relationships that I have.

617
00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:20,239
Speaker 2: It goes back to our quote of the day, like,

618
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:24,240
Speaker 2: I want to feel good around the people that I'm with, right,

619
00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:26,880
Speaker 2: no matter what the dynamic is, no matter what the

620
00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:30,160
Speaker 2: type of relationship it is, I want to feel good

621
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:36,759
Speaker 2: around them. I want to be excited about, Oh, I

622
00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:41,279
Speaker 2: didn't get to talk to Terry today, right, or I'm

623
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,719
Speaker 2: getting ready to go and hang out with my sisters, Like,

624
00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:49,439
Speaker 2: I want to be excited because what that tells me

625
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:53,000
Speaker 2: is when I'm excited, that means that it's a relationship

626
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:58,600
Speaker 2: that I feel good in. And if I feel dread,

627
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,759
Speaker 2: if I'm like, oh, I don't want to do this,

628
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:09,160
Speaker 2: And that's the common occurrence. And I know a lot

629
00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:12,320
Speaker 2: of people feel like that with some of their work situations.

630
00:39:12,719 --> 00:39:15,239
Speaker 2: Some of y'all might even feel like that with your

631
00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:18,960
Speaker 2: romantic relationships. Some of y'all might feel like that in

632
00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:21,439
Speaker 2: terms of the friendships that you have that you need

633
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:25,520
Speaker 2: to let go of, or your family owe that part too,

634
00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:31,560
Speaker 2: or the family right, if you don't feel good, if

635
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:34,719
Speaker 2: your body doesn't give you like, let you know, our

636
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:38,440
Speaker 2: bodies communicate with us and tell us things all the time.

637
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:44,440
Speaker 2: Come on, if we if our body is not letting

638
00:39:44,560 --> 00:39:48,680
Speaker 2: us know that this is this is excitement, like this

639
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:49,920
Speaker 2: is joy.

640
00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:51,920
Speaker 3: We might need to revisit.

641
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:55,280
Speaker 2: Like I want to be able to feel good truly

642
00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:57,160
Speaker 2: around the people that I am with.

643
00:39:58,560 --> 00:40:01,239
Speaker 3: That is so powerful, Doc, I've literally I'm at this

644
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:06,440
Speaker 3: stage now where there are people from various stages in

645
00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:10,120
Speaker 3: life who've reached out recently. And when my body be

646
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,800
Speaker 3: speaking to y'all know hard about it, that gut feeling

647
00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:15,360
Speaker 3: like you ever have somebody call or send you a

648
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:19,239
Speaker 3: message and you just get that that that overwhelming, Like

649
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:21,480
Speaker 3: it's like a punch in the gut. Right, it's just

650
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:24,160
Speaker 3: like this overwhelmed, like oh, I don't know, I can't

651
00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:25,680
Speaker 3: put my finger on what it is. But I'm like,

652
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:28,200
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna respond some shit just don't need to

653
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:31,359
Speaker 3: be respect you just right alread like, Hey, I'm gonna

654
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,839
Speaker 3: listening to my body. We're gonna dive into the next one, lady,

655
00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:35,920
Speaker 3: but real quick, I just want to shout out some

656
00:40:35,960 --> 00:40:39,319
Speaker 3: of our reviews and let y'all know that you know

657
00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:43,160
Speaker 3: this is a hold me keep me honest here, so

658
00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:47,040
Speaker 3: I always forget we are a black founded, black funded,

659
00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:53,120
Speaker 3: and black what owned podcast. Okay, period, So lady, your

660
00:40:53,239 --> 00:40:55,799
Speaker 3: reviews go a long way. Please leave us a five

661
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:58,759
Speaker 3: star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, anywhere you can leave

662
00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:02,680
Speaker 3: a review. Support us because this is literally our podcast

663
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:04,920
Speaker 3: that we created it for us by us. So we

664
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:07,400
Speaker 3: want to shout out a few folks. We have Mommy

665
00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:13,000
Speaker 3: Maria nineteen, Tianna Michelle, Ambitious, Queen ninety one, kway Lynn

666
00:41:13,719 --> 00:41:16,719
Speaker 3: another person. It's like you left some letters there, but

667
00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:19,920
Speaker 3: I'm going to read them all for you, lady, Ifi DCJ.

668
00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:25,520
Speaker 3: We appreciate you. Lady. We have my Tina ld b Our,

669
00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:29,799
Speaker 3: breadstick Edwina and Rosa PM and we're going to read

670
00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:31,600
Speaker 3: one of the reviews. But we want to thank you

671
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:34,000
Speaker 3: all because we appreciate you so much and we read.

672
00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:36,799
Speaker 3: We read every review, even the ones that are not

673
00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:40,040
Speaker 3: five star. We appreciate you all feedback. Okay, we do

674
00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:44,400
Speaker 3: the best we can. So what be our Breadstick says is,

675
00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:47,400
Speaker 3: if you are a black girl, this show is a must.

676
00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:51,120
Speaker 3: Every episode has me opening my journal and reflecting the

677
00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:53,480
Speaker 3: world is not always kind to black women, but Doctor

678
00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:55,840
Speaker 3: Dom and Terry create a safe space to process the

679
00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:59,000
Speaker 3: good and the ugly. I see the positive impacts of

680
00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:03,640
Speaker 3: the show and my daily life. Thank you, thank you.

681
00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:04,600
Speaker 3: This is why we do.

682
00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:05,600
Speaker 2: This is our why.

683
00:42:06,400 --> 00:42:08,120
Speaker 3: Seriously, there are some days where I will come write

684
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,359
Speaker 3: to the reviews like, Okay, I'm having a rough day.

685
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:12,319
Speaker 3: Let me reach up with the positive reviews to like

686
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:15,000
Speaker 3: get to know that we're on purpose. We're doing this

687
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,400
Speaker 3: for a reason. So lady, we appreciate you, and we

688
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:19,800
Speaker 3: thank you. And now we're going to hop back into

689
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:23,880
Speaker 3: our tips. Here is number seven is actively working on

690
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:29,919
Speaker 3: being a healthy communicator. So I'm gonna just go ahead

691
00:42:29,920 --> 00:42:32,239
Speaker 3: and just jump right into this one because I think

692
00:42:32,239 --> 00:42:34,279
Speaker 3: about the episode we did, don what we talked about

693
00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:36,759
Speaker 3: when you're the toxic one in the relationship, and when

694
00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:39,400
Speaker 3: I tell you, when I first, like a decade or

695
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:42,080
Speaker 3: so ago, when I first got into my relationship, I

696
00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:45,759
Speaker 3: was a poor communicator. It was really bad. And a

697
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,160
Speaker 3: lot of it was modeling behavior that I saw growing up.

698
00:42:48,600 --> 00:42:52,080
Speaker 3: A lot of it was yeah, me just being immature,

699
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:55,440
Speaker 3: lacking skills, you know, seeing myself as a victim and

700
00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:58,840
Speaker 3: not being open to working on my communication. So I

701
00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:00,960
Speaker 3: will say, over the years, a lot of work, a

702
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:04,279
Speaker 3: lot of reflection, a lot of self awareness, a lot

703
00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:07,480
Speaker 3: of looking in the mirror, and saying no, hold you wrong,

704
00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:11,680
Speaker 3: a lot of that and tapping into tools to help

705
00:43:11,719 --> 00:43:14,120
Speaker 3: me become a better communicator. So I think that even

706
00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:16,560
Speaker 3: though someone may not be you know who they are

707
00:43:16,600 --> 00:43:19,760
Speaker 3: going to become today, are they open to the process?

708
00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:21,719
Speaker 3: Are they open to the work? Are they open to

709
00:43:21,760 --> 00:43:24,040
Speaker 3: the journey? Are they fucking are they aware? God? Damn?

710
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:26,880
Speaker 3: Are they aware? Do you know that you are a

711
00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:30,560
Speaker 3: poor communicator? Right? That's the first step right in every

712
00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:33,120
Speaker 3: in every what are those programs called DOM like the

713
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:37,120
Speaker 3: AA programs and every I guess self development program? Yeah? Yeah,

714
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:38,840
Speaker 3: the self awareness is the first part. Like if you

715
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:40,080
Speaker 3: don't know that you're sick, if you don't know that

716
00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:44,359
Speaker 3: you need help, what are we doing? Where you going? Right? Right?

717
00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:46,360
Speaker 2: And I think that goes back to our first greenplay,

718
00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:49,560
Speaker 2: right of like having that self awareness, And that's what

719
00:43:49,600 --> 00:43:52,120
Speaker 2: I meant by like, if you have that self awareness,

720
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:55,239
Speaker 2: it leads to you being able to do these other things.

721
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:58,320
Speaker 2: I think for me, when I think about this piece

722
00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:03,239
Speaker 2: about why we labeled this green flag the way that

723
00:44:03,320 --> 00:44:07,319
Speaker 2: we did someone who is actively working on being a

724
00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:12,319
Speaker 2: healthy communicator, I think for me, labeling it like that

725
00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:16,480
Speaker 2: was to indicate that we are all works in progress,

726
00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:21,879
Speaker 2: and that we might show up and not be where

727
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:26,759
Speaker 2: we're where we want to be, but are we taking

728
00:44:27,120 --> 00:44:32,360
Speaker 2: active steps to get there? Right? So I think about

729
00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 2: times when I haven't been the best communicator and I've said,

730
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:44,239
Speaker 2: you know, I'm working on being a better communicator. Give

731
00:44:44,239 --> 00:44:46,640
Speaker 2: me the feedback if I'm not showing up in the

732
00:44:46,680 --> 00:44:49,720
Speaker 2: way that aligned with being.

733
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:50,760
Speaker 3: A healthy communicator.

734
00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:58,560
Speaker 2: And to me, what that means is that I'm actively

735
00:44:58,640 --> 00:44:59,279
Speaker 2: working on it.

736
00:44:59,360 --> 00:44:59,560
Speaker 3: Right.

737
00:44:59,640 --> 00:45:02,839
Speaker 2: So then when the person gives me feedback, I can

738
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:06,640
Speaker 2: take it, I can hear it, and then I can

739
00:45:06,719 --> 00:45:12,080
Speaker 2: correct it. And what that also means is that if

740
00:45:12,320 --> 00:45:15,880
Speaker 2: I have a slip up, because again, none of us

741
00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:19,040
Speaker 2: is perfect out here in these streets, if I have

742
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:26,480
Speaker 2: a slip up and I noticed, oh, oh crap, I

743
00:45:26,520 --> 00:45:30,320
Speaker 2: didn't communicate that in the way that I wanted to, Ooh,

744
00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:34,279
Speaker 2: I'm having a bad day, and I just kind of

745
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:41,839
Speaker 2: went in and didn't even pause to really check myself on.

746
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:46,399
Speaker 2: I'm having a bad day, and I'm just going off

747
00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:50,719
Speaker 2: on this person that isn't the recipient of how I'm

748
00:45:50,760 --> 00:45:54,719
Speaker 2: actually feeling. Right, they aren't the person that caused me

749
00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:58,799
Speaker 2: to feel this way. And so then when I have

750
00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:04,520
Speaker 2: that moment of aware is I pause and I say, okay,

751
00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:09,959
Speaker 2: let me I'm sorry. I'm not having a good day.

752
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:14,560
Speaker 2: And this is not how I want to engage with you.

753
00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:18,359
Speaker 2: This is not how I really want to communicate. One,

754
00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:22,360
Speaker 2: here's what's going on, and two here's what I meant

755
00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:24,600
Speaker 2: to say.

756
00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:26,680
Speaker 3: I love that you pointed out don that you like

757
00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:29,680
Speaker 3: held yourself accountable in that moment, because you made me

758
00:46:29,719 --> 00:46:31,319
Speaker 3: think of a couple other things that I want to

759
00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:34,520
Speaker 3: touch on under this Yes number seven One do they

760
00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:37,879
Speaker 3: apologize like everyone should be? We and I know this

761
00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:39,320
Speaker 3: is hard for me in the beginning. So this is

762
00:46:39,360 --> 00:46:42,000
Speaker 3: no judgment, lady, but we all works in progress, right

763
00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:45,840
Speaker 3: and part of the progress is taking accountability. Not don't

764
00:46:46,560 --> 00:46:48,560
Speaker 3: dom you ever have somebody say I'm sorry you feel

765
00:46:48,600 --> 00:46:54,680
Speaker 3: that way, babe. That's not an apology, No, not at all.

766
00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:58,440
Speaker 3: I think being specific when you apologize, which can sometimes

767
00:46:58,719 --> 00:47:02,880
Speaker 3: alway crushes the ego times right, like down, I apologize

768
00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:06,200
Speaker 3: for speaking to you in this way. I know better

769
00:47:06,239 --> 00:47:09,840
Speaker 3: and I need to do better, Like being being very specific,

770
00:47:09,880 --> 00:47:12,040
Speaker 3: even asking the person how did I make you feel?

771
00:47:12,080 --> 00:47:15,120
Speaker 3: And I apologize for making feels by saying this? Being

772
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:17,560
Speaker 3: specific so you can hear yourself say that like, damn,

773
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:20,200
Speaker 3: I messed up. I probably need to work on that,

774
00:47:20,239 --> 00:47:23,720
Speaker 3: but then also making sure it's not lip service because

775
00:47:23,719 --> 00:47:26,120
Speaker 3: we know sometimes and then just be like I'm sorry,

776
00:47:26,160 --> 00:47:30,239
Speaker 3: I'm gonna do better, but baby working okay, where's the

777
00:47:30,280 --> 00:47:32,759
Speaker 3: work at? So for myself, Tom, one of the things

778
00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:35,600
Speaker 3: I've done to hold myself accountable is to take notes

779
00:47:35,600 --> 00:47:38,680
Speaker 3: on the way that I've behaved and then talk about

780
00:47:38,719 --> 00:47:42,040
Speaker 3: within myself when I'm journaling again self awareness, talk about

781
00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:44,480
Speaker 3: what I can do better in addition to apologizing, like

782
00:47:44,520 --> 00:47:46,560
Speaker 3: what is the work I'm doing on my own to

783
00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:48,600
Speaker 3: make sure that I show up better moving forward?

784
00:47:48,680 --> 00:47:48,759
Speaker 2: Right?

785
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:51,280
Speaker 3: Holding myself accountable? So I just had to add attitude

786
00:47:51,280 --> 00:47:53,080
Speaker 3: sent stuff in there. Yes I love that.

787
00:47:53,280 --> 00:47:56,400
Speaker 2: I love that. And so then that moves us to

788
00:47:56,680 --> 00:48:02,200
Speaker 2: our final green flag, which is you are a team

789
00:48:02,640 --> 00:48:07,319
Speaker 2: or partnership right. So to me, what that means is

790
00:48:08,640 --> 00:48:13,879
Speaker 2: we feel we are working together right, that there is

791
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:19,320
Speaker 2: no one person is always in charge or one person

792
00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:25,160
Speaker 2: has more power than another. We are a team. And

793
00:48:25,239 --> 00:48:29,879
Speaker 2: again going back to that piece about the interdependence, that

794
00:48:30,960 --> 00:48:34,840
Speaker 2: I recognize what you bring to the table. I'm also

795
00:48:34,920 --> 00:48:38,000
Speaker 2: very clear on what I'm bringing to the table and

796
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:42,680
Speaker 2: we are playing off of each other's strengths for this

797
00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:49,200
Speaker 2: unit to work. And what that also means is that

798
00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:55,440
Speaker 2: when someone else, when our partner is falling short, we

799
00:48:55,520 --> 00:49:01,279
Speaker 2: step in to support them. Going back to what a

800
00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:05,440
Speaker 2: healthy dynamic looks like, is that you feel supported.

801
00:49:05,880 --> 00:49:09,600
Speaker 3: So I'm not judging you, I.

802
00:49:09,560 --> 00:49:14,920
Speaker 2: Am supporting you, and we have a common goal or

803
00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:17,440
Speaker 2: goals that we are working towards.

804
00:49:19,000 --> 00:49:21,520
Speaker 3: You hit the nail on the head with that time.

805
00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:23,759
Speaker 3: Do you want to do a quick recap before we

806
00:49:23,840 --> 00:49:27,160
Speaker 3: jump into the eight things or the three things that

807
00:49:27,320 --> 00:49:30,760
Speaker 3: seem like positive relationship qualities but actually aren't healthy.

808
00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:41,720
Speaker 2: Yes, So our green flags high self awareness, empathy, treats

809
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:48,440
Speaker 2: others well, respects your boundaries, has their own life and

810
00:49:48,480 --> 00:49:54,000
Speaker 2: support you having your own two you feel good around them.

811
00:49:55,719 --> 00:50:01,480
Speaker 2: They are actively working on being a healthy communicator, and

812
00:50:01,600 --> 00:50:07,839
Speaker 2: you all are a team or partnership. All right, still tea,

813
00:50:09,280 --> 00:50:12,040
Speaker 2: Now these three things.

814
00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:14,799
Speaker 3: That seems positive, Yes, I.

815
00:50:14,719 --> 00:50:17,279
Speaker 2: Feel like some people about to be reviewing their relationship.

816
00:50:17,920 --> 00:50:21,319
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, let's jump in one. Let me just say

817
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:24,960
Speaker 3: we're reviewing an article on Bustle called eight things that

818
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:29,120
Speaker 3: seem like positive relationship qualities, but actually aren't healthy, and

819
00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:32,080
Speaker 3: we're going to shout out Christine. I believe it's fellas

820
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:35,280
Speaker 3: Are is the author. She's a lifestyle writer at Bustle.

821
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:37,839
Speaker 3: And so we're going to talk about more of this

822
00:50:37,880 --> 00:50:39,399
Speaker 3: in the after show, but we're just going to touch

823
00:50:39,400 --> 00:50:41,600
Speaker 3: on three quickly and then we're going to hop over

824
00:50:41,640 --> 00:50:44,840
Speaker 3: to Patreon. Okay, So number one is never fighting, Madam.

825
00:50:44,960 --> 00:50:46,719
Speaker 3: I used to be that person. I was like, oh

826
00:50:46,719 --> 00:50:49,359
Speaker 3: my gosh, we never fight, like everything's good, and then

827
00:50:49,440 --> 00:50:51,600
Speaker 3: I was like, oh no, that's because I'm suppressing shit.

828
00:50:52,040 --> 00:50:54,400
Speaker 3: That's because we're not having the difficult conversations that we

829
00:50:54,440 --> 00:50:58,400
Speaker 3: need to be having. So yes, never fighting makes seem

830
00:50:58,560 --> 00:51:01,319
Speaker 3: good on the surface, but when you're thinking about a

831
00:51:01,400 --> 00:51:04,920
Speaker 3: long term relationship, there will be conflict. And conflict is natural,

832
00:51:04,920 --> 00:51:07,239
Speaker 3: it's a part of life. It's okay, it's about how

833
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:11,360
Speaker 3: are we navigating the conflict because usually if someone's not fighting,

834
00:51:11,920 --> 00:51:12,719
Speaker 3: they're suppressing.

835
00:51:13,719 --> 00:51:17,880
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I'm with you on that. I couldn't have

836
00:51:17,880 --> 00:51:22,040
Speaker 2: said it better. And so I want to move to

837
00:51:22,080 --> 00:51:29,360
Speaker 2: our second one, who using sex as your main means

838
00:51:29,360 --> 00:51:34,600
Speaker 2: of connecting emphasis on main, right, emphasis on the main.

839
00:51:35,480 --> 00:51:39,359
Speaker 2: So I want to be clear that we do have

840
00:51:39,560 --> 00:51:45,200
Speaker 2: relationship dynamics where we are friends with benefits, cuddle buddies,

841
00:51:45,239 --> 00:51:47,920
Speaker 2: fuck buddies, whatever you want to call it, right, whatever

842
00:51:48,040 --> 00:51:53,280
Speaker 2: term you're using, the main objective is sex.

843
00:51:53,880 --> 00:51:54,160
Speaker 3: Right.

844
00:51:55,640 --> 00:52:01,439
Speaker 2: If you both agree on the terms and conditions, then

845
00:52:01,480 --> 00:52:04,319
Speaker 2: that's fine. We're not talking about you. This thing for you,

846
00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:09,440
Speaker 2: This one ame for you. This is for those folks

847
00:52:11,080 --> 00:52:21,680
Speaker 2: who are expecting a long term, committed relationship. If you

848
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:26,480
Speaker 2: are expecting a long term committed relationship, there is a

849
00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:28,960
Speaker 2: lot more to life. There is a lot more to

850
00:52:29,120 --> 00:52:37,839
Speaker 2: relationships than sex. Sex is the dessert, not the main dish. Yes,

851
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:43,480
Speaker 2: you want to have good sexual, healthy sexual chemistry, but

852
00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:48,279
Speaker 2: that is not the main component of your relationship. If

853
00:52:48,320 --> 00:52:51,840
Speaker 2: that's all y'all got, we might need to revisit the

854
00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:54,600
Speaker 2: terms and conditions that might need to move over to

855
00:52:54,640 --> 00:52:55,840
Speaker 2: be inferential benefits.

856
00:52:57,360 --> 00:52:59,640
Speaker 3: Amen, you hit been nail on the head with that

857
00:52:59,719 --> 00:53:02,399
Speaker 3: one too, And that tapes us to number three before

858
00:53:02,400 --> 00:53:05,040
Speaker 3: we jump into that after show. And this is being

859
00:53:05,239 --> 00:53:08,080
Speaker 3: jealous and possessive. Now, I just want to ReadWrite from

860
00:53:08,120 --> 00:53:10,400
Speaker 3: the article because this was a really I think they

861
00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:12,640
Speaker 3: made a really good point here saying that out of

862
00:53:12,719 --> 00:53:17,040
Speaker 3: all the unhealthy relationship behaviors that get masked as positive ones.

863
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:20,120
Speaker 3: Jealousy is probably one of the most common, because many

864
00:53:20,160 --> 00:53:22,720
Speaker 3: of us know in the beginning and that honeymoon phase

865
00:53:22,800 --> 00:53:25,239
Speaker 3: is kind of cute, Oh my gosh, like ah, that's

866
00:53:25,239 --> 00:53:28,279
Speaker 3: what we think, right. Jealousy easily gets misconstrued as a

867
00:53:28,320 --> 00:53:31,919
Speaker 3: positive quality and a partner because it's flattering in the beginning, right,

868
00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:36,480
Speaker 3: But it wears thin with time and becomes destructive, and

869
00:53:36,520 --> 00:53:40,200
Speaker 3: that can lead to controlling, right, someone that's controlling you.

870
00:53:40,280 --> 00:53:43,319
Speaker 3: And usually that jealousy is just a little little appetizer

871
00:53:43,360 --> 00:53:46,120
Speaker 3: for what's to come later, and usually what's to come

872
00:53:46,320 --> 00:53:50,680
Speaker 3: is going to cause you a lot more heartache, possibly trauma,

873
00:53:50,719 --> 00:53:52,080
Speaker 3: and a lot of other things that we do not

874
00:53:52,160 --> 00:53:55,360
Speaker 3: want you to experience, ladies. So those are just three

875
00:53:55,680 --> 00:53:57,920
Speaker 3: of the things that are mentioned in the article. We

876
00:53:57,960 --> 00:54:00,480
Speaker 3: are going to jump into the after show and talk

877
00:54:00,520 --> 00:54:04,040
Speaker 3: more about the other one. So head to Herspace podcast

878
00:54:04,080 --> 00:54:06,759
Speaker 3: dot com and click on Patreon and join us so

879
00:54:06,800 --> 00:54:09,160
Speaker 3: you can watch the video and see us in the

880
00:54:09,160 --> 00:54:13,680
Speaker 3: after show. Hey lady, it's Terry here from the Cultivating

881
00:54:13,680 --> 00:54:17,480
Speaker 3: her Space podcast. I'm hosting a free podcasting masterclass where

882
00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:20,080
Speaker 3: I'm going to teach you how to create your impactful

883
00:54:20,120 --> 00:54:23,560
Speaker 3: podcast and how you can generate multiple streams of income.

884
00:54:23,960 --> 00:54:27,600
Speaker 3: You can visit podcast with Terry dot com to register

885
00:54:27,680 --> 00:54:29,400
Speaker 3: for free. I hope to see you there.

886
00:54:31,320 --> 00:54:35,520
Speaker 2: Thanks for joining us today. Please note that our show

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00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:41,520
Speaker 2: may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and

888
00:54:41,640 --> 00:54:44,759
Speaker 2: mental health, but is by no means meant to be

889
00:54:44,800 --> 00:54:49,080
Speaker 2: a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained

890
00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:53,160
Speaker 2: mental health provider. If you are someone you know is

891
00:54:53,200 --> 00:54:56,520
Speaker 2: in need of mental health care, please visit a Therapy

892
00:54:56,560 --> 00:55:02,480
Speaker 2: for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

893
00:55:02,880 --> 00:55:04,520
Speaker 3: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

894
00:55:04,560 --> 00:55:08,440
Speaker 3: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and

895
00:55:08,520 --> 00:55:13,440
Speaker 3: Twitter at herspace podcast or check out our website at

896
00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:17,240
Speaker 3: herspace podcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat

897
00:55:17,280 --> 00:55:22,040
Speaker 3: after me. I attract abundance and prosperity with ease