Speaker 1: Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which
Speaker 1: is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you
Speaker 1: that it's a primary focus of on Purpose, but on
Speaker 1: a day to day basis, many people don't know where
Speaker 1: to turn or which tools can help. Over the past
Speaker 1: couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make
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Speaker 1: Change your Life. Everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose. It's
Speaker 1: your host, Jay Shetty. I'm so excited because today we're
Speaker 1: going to do something a little different. I'm going to
Speaker 1: share with your conversation that I recently had where I
Speaker 1: was being interviewed that I think you're gonna love it
Speaker 1: was with the U Up Podcast. And if you're someone
Speaker 1: who's been struggling with dating, this episode's for you. If
Speaker 1: you've been struggling with an ick, this episode's for you.
Speaker 1: And if there's a friend in your life that you
Speaker 1: know would really appreciate some greater insights on dating and relationships,
Speaker 1: this episode's for them. I hope you enjoy it.
Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness.
Speaker 1: Podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay Shetty, only she.
Speaker 2: We love a special.
Speaker 3: Guest, very special guest. One of our most popular episodes
Speaker 3: of last year.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if not the most, the beloved we should. So
Speaker 2: that's how I'm gonna refer to you. It the beloved
Speaker 2: Jay Shetty. Thank you for coming back on the show.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me back. We had
Speaker 1: so much fun last time, so I'm looking forward to this.
Speaker 2: So much fun. It's great to have you. I you know,
Speaker 2: we are in awe of you and your success. I
Speaker 2: think that that that's something we we and I you
Speaker 2: came in the first time, and I don't want to
Speaker 2: be the guy. I don't want to you know, I'm
Speaker 2: a cynic on everything.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and if.
Speaker 2: That's the thing I go, I like, well, yeah, I
Speaker 2: walked away. And but you come at things in ways
Speaker 2: that I wouldn't come at them. I come at with
Speaker 2: like I'm the gremlin hater.
Speaker 3: The the like I would say, like the more like
Speaker 3: cynical male point of view.
Speaker 2: Right, And I sometimes I hear some of the you know,
Speaker 2: you're such a calming, positive influence that like you can
Speaker 2: tell people are just happy to have you in their lives, right,
Speaker 2: Is that what it is? You think they're just happy
Speaker 2: that like you, Like you're the friend they'd go to
Speaker 2: when they're hungover, and you'd be like, it's gonna be fine,
Speaker 2: this is gonna wear off.
Speaker 4: We're gonna have some bacon, egg and cheeses. You'll be good.
Speaker 1: I mean talking about that. I remember being the sober friend.
Speaker 1: Early on. I was in Spain with some of my
Speaker 1: friends and everyone was completely hammered apart from me. This
Speaker 1: is when I'd chosen to start my you know, stopping
Speaker 1: drinking alcohol. When I was going out and all of
Speaker 1: my friends, I was trying to tell them that some
Speaker 1: bad stuff was going on and that we should leave
Speaker 1: this club. That we were at and they were like,
Speaker 1: you're the worst friend ever having the best time.
Speaker 4: You're ruining it. So I'm actually used to be in
Speaker 4: that friend when.
Speaker 2: Everyone else you're ruining the part.
Speaker 1: I'm ruining the party because I'm trying to protect everyone
Speaker 1: from themselves.
Speaker 3: So you don't drink.
Speaker 4: No, I haven't. I haven't drunk for years now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's how many years.
Speaker 4: I think it would be fifteen years now, right?
Speaker 2: It was? It not a big part of your life before.
Speaker 1: It was a part of my life in the sense
Speaker 1: of I love drinking games. I love the competitive aspect
Speaker 1: of drinking being out. Ring a fire was something we
Speaker 1: played a ton of when.
Speaker 2: We were ring a fire.
Speaker 1: So in London, I guess everyone starts drinking quite early too,
Speaker 1: so we started like fourteen, and so the guys would
Speaker 1: get together we'd play this game called ring a Fire
Speaker 1: where you have this big pitcher in the middle that's
Speaker 1: left in the middle. You all get a glass of
Speaker 1: beer each. As far as I remember this, the picture
Speaker 1: in the middle is surrounded by cards playing cards laid
Speaker 1: face down, and every card has a different meaning. So
Speaker 1: when you pick up the card, you have to do
Speaker 1: a certain action and the last person to do it
Speaker 1: has to drink, or the card tells you that you
Speaker 1: have to drink first, or you have to tell a
Speaker 1: joke and if someone doesn't laugh, then you have to drink. Like,
Speaker 1: there's all these sounds really fun. It's so good, and
Speaker 1: then and then every time you keep drinking more. And
Speaker 1: my favorite one was there's one where like the more
Speaker 1: fingers you can hold towards someone's glass of beer, the
Speaker 1: more SIPs that they have to take, and things like that.
Speaker 1: So it's a super fun competitive game. And I'm probably
Speaker 1: explaining it badly and Google probably do a better job.
Speaker 3: You will play the game without drinking, do you know
Speaker 3: what I've.
Speaker 4: Thought about that.
Speaker 1: I've really thought about how we could make that fun.
Speaker 1: But I think it was partly the fact that you
Speaker 1: get delirious after, you know.
Speaker 4: Just sixs.
Speaker 2: I've never heard someone be like I was in it
Speaker 2: for the game.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, like if they're an AA, I mean.
Speaker 3: I can see that you kind of want to participate away, right,
Speaker 3: I played. I played Flip Water with many of my
Speaker 3: pregnant friends. Yeah, it's it's almost as fun.
Speaker 2: That's a good way to put it.
Speaker 4: I just love I love sports. I love competition.
Speaker 3: I love Yeah, I love games.
Speaker 2: I love it. Well, you know, everyone go listen to
Speaker 2: Jay's podcast on Purpose. It's out. What you have the
Speaker 2: guest list is something that you can't not acknowledge. Who's
Speaker 2: the guest that you were like, what's I can't believe this?
Speaker 4: Oh that's a great question. I'm glad.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you're getting into this as well. I'd love
Speaker 1: to hear your thoughts as well and who you felt that,
Speaker 1: because it's I feel that.
Speaker 2: Was our He's coming back.
Speaker 4: What Okay, that's such a great time, I think.
Speaker 1: So I want to acknowledge that, you know, when you
Speaker 1: launch a podcasts and you guys know this. When I launched,
Speaker 1: when I was coming up with the idea, it was
Speaker 1: so hard to book anyone because people have never heard
Speaker 1: of it. There was no stats, there's no data. You're
Speaker 1: trying to get someone to understand that you're going to
Speaker 1: create this safe space and people don't get it. And
Speaker 1: so I remember that day, which was five years ago.
Speaker 1: Now the podcast is five years old, but I want
Speaker 1: to acknowledge the first guest that made me feel that
Speaker 1: way was when Kobe Bryant came on in twenty nineteen,
Speaker 1: and that was the first year the podcast had come out.
Speaker 1: His team had reached out because his team loved what
Speaker 1: we were doing on the show and they wanted Kobe
Speaker 1: and I to connect.
Speaker 2: And me, his team reaches out explain that, so like
Speaker 2: Joe Ohio, who's sitting in their car, So this is
Speaker 2: like his on their way to not a team.
Speaker 1: Everyone who's in his life, so whether it's his assistant,
Speaker 1: whether it's a publicist, whether it's a different people who
Speaker 1: had a role in his creative company that he had
Speaker 1: so employees, team members, and they'd mentioned to him that
Speaker 1: they thought it would be cool for us to connect.
Speaker 1: And so when they reached out, that to me was
Speaker 1: huge and to have that in year one, that was
Speaker 1: a huge honor that year that he decided to do that,
Speaker 1: So that was pretty well be amazing.
Speaker 2: It's a little bit like Domino was, like, you know,
Speaker 2: Kobe did it, he felt safe absolutely, you know, then everyone, oh, oh,
Speaker 2: I've cobbsolutely. It's a little bit like that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, So I've got to give him a lot of
Speaker 4: credit for that opportunity.
Speaker 3: And since then, you've had everyone from like Kendall Jenner
Speaker 3: to Michelle Obama, which is you know, you must just
Speaker 3: be like.
Speaker 1: I all you get to speak to I'm pinching myself
Speaker 1: all the time. I'm feeling really, really nervous walking into
Speaker 1: those rooms and while I'm preparing, and I'm feeling, you know,
Speaker 1: every bit of imposter syndrome that you possibly can when
Speaker 1: you're doing this. So, yeah, I feel super grateful every day.
Speaker 1: And yeah, it's been amazing. I mean, Kendall, was you
Speaker 1: spoke about Kendall. I think that was a really important
Speaker 1: one in our journey of the show. She came on
Speaker 1: at a time when her episode just brought so many
Speaker 1: new listeners to our universe, and I always always thank
Speaker 1: her for that because it was amazing that people are like, oh,
Speaker 1: we haven't really heard her speak that much and not
Speaker 1: for that long, and and you know, I think what
Speaker 1: she shared was so powerful and insightful, Like that clip's
Speaker 1: gone viral like a million times of her talking about
Speaker 1: how she thinks about her youngest and she has a
Speaker 1: picture of herself at the mirror. Yeah, and some practice
Speaker 1: that she'd done with her therapist. And so I think,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm really grateful to everyone who trusts me
Speaker 1: and trusts our space and comes on because it takes
Speaker 1: a lot for that person, and I want to acknowledge
Speaker 1: that it's never easy to open your heart and open
Speaker 1: your mind in that way. And so, yeah, each of
Speaker 1: those people that you've mentioned have have made massive shifts.
Speaker 1: Kevin Hart came on and that was, you know, so
Speaker 1: much fun.
Speaker 4: Again.
Speaker 1: He had this amazing audiobook, which people don't know Kevin
Speaker 1: Hart for audiobooks, but his audiobook is amazing. It's called Monsters,
Speaker 1: and he talks about all the monsters that we deal
Speaker 1: with inside of our mind. So it's philosophical and comedic
Speaker 1: and he's obviously reading it and it's hilarious, and you know,
Speaker 1: being able to dive into him from the perspective of
Speaker 1: monsters and the monsters he has inside of him, it was,
Speaker 1: you know, it's a spectacular conversation. So I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: all of these guests have made it easy for me,
Speaker 1: and I'm really grateful.
Speaker 3: What do you think it is about your show that
Speaker 3: like these people again, like Kendall Jenner doesn't do it.
Speaker 3: These aren't people aren't doing interviews constantly. What do you
Speaker 3: think it is about your show that just makes them
Speaker 3: want to do your show?
Speaker 1: I think that all podcasts have a really unique offering, right,
Speaker 1: Like I think people go on a podcast. When I
Speaker 1: came on yours for the first time, is because from
Speaker 1: what i'd seen and from what I was hearing from
Speaker 1: my team, everyone's like, Jay, they're going to get into
Speaker 1: stuff that no one else is going to ask you, Right,
Speaker 1: this podcast is going to ask you questions when you
Speaker 1: were talking about being cynical. My team had already said
Speaker 1: that that there's going to be a version. Oh my
Speaker 1: team is my you know my podcast? Yeah, yeah, my
Speaker 1: podcast producer who is a huge fan of the show,
Speaker 1: and she's like, I think you're going to get asked
Speaker 1: questions that you wouldn't get asked anywhere else. And so
Speaker 1: that's exciting for me because I also don't want to
Speaker 1: have the same conversation. I want to have different conversation.
Speaker 1: That's why I came here. And so I think people
Speaker 1: coming on purpose because they know that there's going to
Speaker 1: be a safe space to explore depths of themselves that
Speaker 1: maybe isn't right on other platforms, And so I'm hoping
Speaker 1: we've created a space where people can talk about their challenges,
Speaker 1: their flaws, their imperfections, the stresses of life, the perplexities
Speaker 1: they've had with childhood trauma, their personal mental health journeys
Speaker 1: in a way that is relevant, accessible and practical.
Speaker 2: I like the perspective, and that's that's usually where I
Speaker 2: come to with everything I hear from you. It's like,
Speaker 2: I like the road you took because I'm looking at
Speaker 2: that and I go, like you You're like, basically, oh,
Speaker 2: this show could open a door in my brain that
Speaker 2: I don't mind opening, but I didn't even know was
Speaker 2: there before exactly. I have that with like, you know,
Speaker 2: if someone comes up to me and it's like, I
Speaker 2: have a note for you for a joke I heard
Speaker 2: you do, would you and it's it could be anybody,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, sometimes it's like an old dad who's
Speaker 2: gonna tell me a borsch belt joke and I'm gonna
Speaker 2: have to, like, you know, he's gonna like be exhausting.
Speaker 2: But sometimes some I won't say something I don't even
Speaker 2: know what it's going to lead to me thinking, or
Speaker 2: a story that I've never thought of. So you know,
Speaker 2: I understand that where you're like, oh, I'm up for
Speaker 2: the game of okay, where will this go? But I
Speaker 2: know it's going to be safe in a little.
Speaker 1: Bit totally in every podcast I think placed to that, right, Like,
Speaker 1: if you want to show a certain part of your personality,
Speaker 1: I think there's so many podcasts to do that differently
Speaker 1: on and so we're just trying to cater to this
Speaker 1: side to that.
Speaker 4: To that point, I have a question that's okay, what
Speaker 4: do you hate?
Speaker 3: You had a bad day?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I want I want to hear cynical, Jay, shitty?
Speaker 2: I want to I want miserable, horrible day?
Speaker 3: Who hate?
Speaker 2: What do you hate? What's the last time?
Speaker 3: On the list of approved questions, well, I want.
Speaker 2: To, like, I want that, Jay, and I listen because
Speaker 2: it's within us all But was there a moment? Is there?
Speaker 2: When's the last time?
Speaker 3: Do you get triggered?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: So I'll give it a background because I'm not I'm
Speaker 1: not a very monk way to go, I get it, No,
Speaker 1: So I'll give a bit of background. So anger and
Speaker 1: hatred have generally not been a part of my psychological
Speaker 1: approach because I saw a lot of it growing up,
Speaker 1: and so I made notes growing up going I won't
Speaker 1: demonstrate anger in that way, I won't express hatred growing up,
Speaker 1: So in my own homes, sow in my schools, saw
Speaker 1: it in my extended family, Like I saw it very
Speaker 1: very up close, in a very extreme form, and I
Speaker 1: made a pact with myself that anger was not something
Speaker 1: that I was going to play with because I saw
Speaker 1: the ramifications it had with other people.
Speaker 4: Do you think you.
Speaker 2: Can do that with anger? Like there's people out there
Speaker 2: that I'm sure like I get angry. I would love
Speaker 2: to say, you don't get angry and go I guess
Speaker 2: I'm never angry anymore. Like I think an anger is
Speaker 2: an anger like a sneeze or is it like a car?
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: No, I'm not saying getting angry is bad, and I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that we shouldn't get angry, and it's not
Speaker 1: a natural emotion. I think it's an emotion that I
Speaker 1: kind of negotiated with very early on because I saw
Speaker 1: what it did, at least in the world that I
Speaker 1: grew up in.
Speaker 4: I've had bad days, so that, thank god.
Speaker 3: Let's not express them in probably these.
Speaker 1: I think if there's anything that does trigger me and
Speaker 1: does upset me, and which is funny because what I'm
Speaker 1: about to say is me breaking my own rule, but
Speaker 1: it upsets me when we don't give others the benefit
Speaker 1: of the doubt. So when I see people not giving
Speaker 1: other people the benefit of the doubt or giving them space.
Speaker 4: It triggers me.
Speaker 1: But the funny thing is that means I'm not giving
Speaker 1: that person the benefit of the doubt. So then I great,
Speaker 1: like you know, and that's what happens. And so of
Speaker 1: course I'm a human. I get triggered, I get upset,
Speaker 1: I have a bad day. I think the biggest thing
Speaker 1: for me when I'm having a bad day is probably
Speaker 1: when I feel that someone in my life is being
Speaker 1: unnecessarily targeted in their own life, dealing with pain, dealing
Speaker 1: with stress, dealing with pressure, some pains coming at them
Speaker 1: that they don't deserve that I don't understand. And so
Speaker 1: that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2: Do you of a time where someone in your life
Speaker 2: was you felt wrongfully targeted? Or yourself or yourself? Do
Speaker 2: you read things about yourself? Do you see things and
Speaker 2: you go and you and because I listen, we were
Speaker 2: all on yeah, and we know and what we have
Speaker 2: to do constantly and again we have to like the
Speaker 2: thing that is I think it's the worst podcast topic,
Speaker 2: and we do it all the time because it's it's
Speaker 2: it's it's like catnip, it's it's it's it's right there
Speaker 2: for you to do is responding to feedback when ninety
Speaker 2: nine percent of it, Like Jay, I'm sure you get
Speaker 2: messages you've changed my life you and it's and you
Speaker 2: probably get messages that are like I've gotten messages that
Speaker 2: bring you to tears. You go, oh my god, this
Speaker 2: was me talking about my farts. It's not supposed to
Speaker 2: make you feel better about a death in your family.
Speaker 2: And you get those messages and you probably get ninety
Speaker 2: nine percent of those, and then you get the one
Speaker 2: and you're like, you just want to like grab them
Speaker 2: and go again. Benefit of the doubt? How did you
Speaker 2: come to this such hateful space from when my goal
Speaker 2: was positive?
Speaker 3: How do you take yourself out of it?
Speaker 1: And I think, don't you feel though? And I will
Speaker 1: talk about it, but don't you feel though that over
Speaker 1: time you've just become you've recognized that it's part of
Speaker 1: the job. Like you've accepted that it's part of the job.
Speaker 1: So like, for example, let's take Michelle Obama. We did
Speaker 1: this interview with Michelle Obama, which was huge moment for Yeah,
Speaker 1: huge moment for me. So grateful, Like you said, ninety
Speaker 1: nine percent of the comments, so like this is interviews, right,
Speaker 1: incredible and everything, And then at the same time you
Speaker 1: have a lot of people going like why would you
Speaker 1: sit down with her because of their political beliefs, or
Speaker 1: like Jay, you sold out, or you know, why would
Speaker 1: you do this? And what I've found is that, again
Speaker 1: me giving that person the benefit of the doubt, that
Speaker 1: often that remark is based on something historical far before me, right,
Speaker 1: and has pretty much very little to do with me,
Speaker 1: and an expectation of me that I'll never live up
Speaker 1: to in that I'm always going to do things that's
Speaker 1: gonna set someone and I've I've kind of come to
Speaker 1: terms with that. And on the other side, I found
Speaker 1: that if you actually look at the comment section of
Speaker 1: people who actually watched the video yeah, the comment section
Speaker 1: is completely different, Like people have actually watched the interview,
Speaker 1: listen to the words yeah instead of the thirty second
Speaker 1: clip or whatever it may be. If they watched the
Speaker 1: YouTube version, you're seeing like completely transform people, even people
Speaker 1: saying I don't agree with the politics, but this interview
Speaker 1: helped me with this.
Speaker 2: This this it annoys me that they have to say that,
Speaker 2: Like it annoys me that you know, the person they
Speaker 2: always that person well I Usually it's like, oh, you
Speaker 2: must be an expert now because you were able to
Speaker 2: see beyond your own initial thoughts on someone. How could
Speaker 2: someone like I anyway?
Speaker 4: Yeah, so yes I would. Yes, my stars are just
Speaker 4: like us. Yeah.
Speaker 1: My personal rule is I'm happy for someone to leave
Speaker 1: any honest opinion of theirs, as long as they're still
Speaker 1: following me. But if someone unfolds me and wants to
Speaker 1: leave a comment, then and it's hate and that's a comment,
Speaker 1: So I think that's.
Speaker 3: Feedback from anyone who doesn't.
Speaker 4: I'll take the feedback.
Speaker 1: But I feel like if you're saying, Jay, I've had
Speaker 1: it with you, I'm unfollowing, and then you've unfollowed and
Speaker 1: you've left other heightful comments to me, then it's like, well,
Speaker 1: we're not in the same community and they were in
Speaker 1: the same space. But if someone's following me and they
Speaker 1: want to leave lots of comments that tell me feedback
Speaker 1: or things they don't like, I will leave it up
Speaker 1: there because I still consider them a part of our community.
Speaker 3: I haven't left the conversation, right.
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Speaker 2: I kind of think of social media as my party. Yes,
Speaker 2: and if you come in and well, I block people,
Speaker 2: even if third because it's Tuesday, right, I randomly go through.
Speaker 4: I like this analogy with the party. I have a
Speaker 4: similar one with the house.
Speaker 2: Well. I think of it as like, this is my party.
Speaker 2: The music's playing. You have walked in. There are people
Speaker 2: here dancing. I don't care how many. I don't care,
Speaker 2: but people are happy to be here. And you came
Speaker 2: in and go I hate this music. Let me lead
Speaker 2: you to the door. We're going to keep the music playing,
Speaker 2: but you got to leave. You don't want to be here.
Speaker 2: It's okay, goodbye.
Speaker 1: So I'm okay with someone being at the putt and
Speaker 1: saying I don't like the music. They can stay. But
Speaker 1: it's the person who goes all right, I don't like
Speaker 1: the music. I'm leaving. But then they still want to
Speaker 1: have their opinion being.
Speaker 2: Through the window.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: This is a dating podcast. You've written a dating book,
Speaker 3: Eight Rules of Love, which was great. I read it amazing.
Speaker 3: If you guys haven't read it yet from our last episode,
Speaker 3: you should check it out now anywhere books are sold,
Speaker 3: I assume. But what you so, you've done a lot
Speaker 3: of research on love, you wrote a whole book about it.
Speaker 3: What do you think if you look at like the
Speaker 3: dating landscape now, what do you think is like the
Speaker 3: biggest issue? Because there's a lot of people who are,
Speaker 3: I feel like, very frustrated with it, and I mean
Speaker 3: from from from emails a lot of women. What do
Speaker 3: you feel like is the is the biggest mistake people
Speaker 3: are making when they're dating.
Speaker 1: I think the biggest mistake people are making when they're
Speaker 1: dating right now is that their list of ix and
Speaker 1: turnoffs are so long and so wide and so far
Speaker 1: arranging that you may miss out on an incredible human
Speaker 1: being because they wear jewelry and you know, and you know,
Speaker 1: drink their.
Speaker 4: With a straw, right like whatever it is like?
Speaker 1: And I started following this really funny TikTok account called
Speaker 1: I think it's called guy with the list and what
Speaker 1: he does, and I don't even know what he looks
Speaker 1: like because he actually never I don't think he's posted
Speaker 1: himself or her or them whoever runs it. And what
Speaker 1: they do is they help play all these found clips
Speaker 1: of people all over the Internet saying their biggest ick
Speaker 1: and turnoff. And then he'll add to his list and
Speaker 1: his list is at like six hundred now with all
Speaker 1: these ridiculous things and so. And I know it's a
Speaker 1: bit tongue in cheek and it's a bit funny, but
Speaker 1: I do think it is that, like we get turned
Speaker 1: off so quickly by things that are not actually important.
Speaker 4: In a relationship.
Speaker 1: Like I always ask people like does this make someone
Speaker 1: inept at being a good partner or is it just
Speaker 1: something that you don't like about them? Right? Is it
Speaker 1: a preference? And I think that that preference versus priority
Speaker 1: conversation is huge.
Speaker 2: Well that's like, you know, I mean not to go
Speaker 2: to plug City. But on my Netflix special, the opening
Speaker 2: bit is about how I'm on the dating apps and
Speaker 2: you get in front of it. The dating apps offer
Speaker 2: you a menu at a restaurant and you're looking at
Speaker 2: it and you're going, well, I'm not that type of person.
Speaker 2: It's not even allowing you to smell the person, be
Speaker 2: around the person, and you say, I'm not going to
Speaker 2: data Darlene and then if you met a Darlene in
Speaker 2: a bar that you got along with, you'd probably datea Darlene. Like, yes,
Speaker 2: I think the eck is a lot of time.
Speaker 4: Just excuse to not be vulnerable to you know, to
Speaker 4: say no.
Speaker 2: It's easier to say no and not do the thing
Speaker 2: than it is to go into it and go, well,
Speaker 2: I saw, and then you'd blame yourself once it didn't
Speaker 2: work out. You go, you should have known they drink
Speaker 2: macha through a straw, you know, like it's easier to
Speaker 2: do that you beat yourself up. I think that might
Speaker 2: be kind of the nature of like we don't We're
Speaker 2: the Google generation. This is what we do. We look
Speaker 2: up the place before we go. We don't walk somewhere
Speaker 2: and we unless we Google map even though we've walked there.
Speaker 2: Like well, it's kind of like.
Speaker 3: It seems like the issue is almost like there's too
Speaker 3: many options right where you have dating two hundred years ago,
Speaker 3: you're in an arranged marriage. Probably you're just set up
Speaker 3: and like that doesn't seem great, right, But now it's
Speaker 3: like if you live in a city like New York City,
Speaker 3: there's a million people, maybe then you probably are in
Speaker 3: the that you could possibly date, And so you're like, well,
Speaker 3: I don't because there's a million people here and there's
Speaker 3: an app that shows me people constantly. Why would I
Speaker 3: settle for someone who drinks macho lattes through a straw
Speaker 3: when there's just another great person out there that I
Speaker 3: could could have. And so I think it'd be great
Speaker 3: to almost go back to that happy medium where maybe
Speaker 3: you had ten choices, not none, not one.
Speaker 1: But yeah, yeah, I mean you're speaking about something in
Speaker 1: psychology which is known as the paradox of choice, right,
Speaker 1: this idea that humans actually make worse choices the more
Speaker 1: choices and options that they have, And this is one
Speaker 1: of the biggest reasons why we are struggling in dating
Speaker 1: or whether the products that we purchase or whatever it
Speaker 1: may be. But yeah, I think the key is, and
Speaker 1: I like what you're saying, the balance of having enough
Speaker 1: of a pool to decide, but not unlimited. And I
Speaker 1: guess what I'm getting at is someone drinking mucha through
Speaker 1: a straw doesn't define what kind of partner they are, right,
Speaker 1: whereas we like the joke that it does, right, maybe
Speaker 1: that defines them in so many other ways. And so
Speaker 1: what I'm saying is actually look at what makes someone
Speaker 1: a good partner and a credible compatible companion for life
Speaker 1: as opposed to take.
Speaker 2: The other side of that though. You know, the thing
Speaker 2: that we find on this part cast the thing that
Speaker 2: as me as a single person deals with, when are
Speaker 2: you okay to be turned off? You know, when do
Speaker 2: you allow yourself to say this ick is more of
Speaker 2: augh and this ick is funny starts and funny, but
Speaker 2: it came from a place of this is not someone
Speaker 2: I'd need to spend my time. So I'm a detective.
Speaker 2: I'm looking for clues. When you're out there dating, you're
Speaker 2: looking for clues too. I want to get to know
Speaker 2: that person. So you know, the.
Speaker 4: War's jewelry or you know, or you know where you know.
Speaker 2: Sits crisscross apple sauce on a on a chair, you go.
Speaker 2: That's generally, you know, a percentage. You know, I'm playing
Speaker 2: the percentages now, you know, So it is you know,
Speaker 2: it's easy for because I see this with the ick
Speaker 2: stuff online, especially online, you see a lot of men
Speaker 2: there were there. Their feedback to it is like this
Speaker 2: is why you're single. And you know you gotta do
Speaker 2: you know, you gotta look through these things and it's like, well,
Speaker 2: this person's also allowed to go.
Speaker 4: I'm playing the numbers game. Oh what turns me on
Speaker 4: and off?
Speaker 2: And if you do A you'll probably do just B
Speaker 2: C D and it won't be a match for me.
Speaker 1: Right, So that means I mean, if you're playing the
Speaker 1: odds though, that means you're gonna have to get through
Speaker 1: a lot of people.
Speaker 4: Right, that's that's you need odds to play. Yeah, exact numbers.
Speaker 3: Well, how how long have you been with your wife?
Speaker 1: We've been together now for it will be eleven years
Speaker 1: this year, eleven years married for.
Speaker 3: Eight this year, and she's basically like your only relationship right.
Speaker 1: In my in terms of currently before Like for you,
Speaker 1: did you have.
Speaker 4: Grow Oh yeah I did? Yeah, yeah, oh yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: I dated a ton before I became a monk, and
Speaker 1: then I was a monk, and then since I've left
Speaker 1: the monastery, my wife's the only person that I've chosen.
Speaker 1: What's your what's your go to first date? When you
Speaker 1: were dating before? Yeah, back in the day, I mean
Speaker 1: I was dating in my team. So it's like whatever
Speaker 1: you could afford, right, Like, maybe you're you're going like
Speaker 1: ice cream, bowling cinema, I mean going to the movies.
Speaker 1: Going to the movies was probably the most common date.
Speaker 3: Which is a pretty I mean you say this on
Speaker 3: you know in your book that you know, watching a
Speaker 3: movie together, watching.
Speaker 4: That pom rough like you hate that?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 3: I was.
Speaker 1: I was, Yeah, I was talking about this in an interview,
Speaker 1: and I think there's there's different responses to it, some funny,
Speaker 1: some some some mad at me. But it was this
Speaker 1: idea of I was talking about to so many couples recently,
Speaker 1: and they were just feeling like they don't feel connected,
Speaker 1: they don't feel like they're deepening their intimacy, they don't
Speaker 1: feel like their relationship is growing. And I was just
Speaker 1: saying that, hey, if that's how you feel, then if
Speaker 1: the number one activity you do is watch a show together,
Speaker 1: but that show is not leading to an interaction, a connection,
Speaker 1: a sharing of ideas or thoughts or feelings or whatever
Speaker 1: it may be, then maybe it's because you're not doing
Speaker 1: other things together. And what I was extending out to
Speaker 1: people was this idea that I've found even in friendships, right,
Speaker 1: this applies to all relationships. They get deeper and better
Speaker 1: and more intimate and more connected when you're doing other
Speaker 1: activities together so I encouraged obviously experiences, experiments, getting educated together,
Speaker 1: learning about something together. When you're growing together, you feel
Speaker 1: like you're moving in the same direction, even if you're
Speaker 1: both doing your own entrepreneurial venture where you come back
Speaker 1: and share your notes. There's so much more we can
Speaker 1: get from love and relationships that I think we miss
Speaker 1: out on and I empathize with it.
Speaker 2: Do you feel like you and your wife because you
Speaker 2: guys are you're in the same industry. You guys work together,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we don't work together like professionally a party, yeah.
Speaker 3: But if you look at a great gap ad together.
Speaker 4: Oh yes, the project, yeah we did that together.
Speaker 3: But it came out great.
Speaker 2: If you look at your social media, like, you guys
Speaker 2: are in the same yes, now we are your peers,
Speaker 2: you're like colleagues, you know. So is that helpful the relationship?
Speaker 4: Do you ever get like is there jealousy in that?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 4: Where how do you work?
Speaker 2: Because working together is great because you're communicating, you have
Speaker 2: something in common. I would imagine what's the negative negative
Speaker 2: part of that?
Speaker 1: So the number one thing I hear when someone comes
Speaker 1: up to me is hey, Jay, I love your wife. Right,
Speaker 1: People literally come up to me and go, yeah, you're
Speaker 1: all right, but your wife is amazing, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I know, I know, like And that's kind of how
Speaker 1: our life has gone where I make friends with people
Speaker 1: because I generally am a bit more extroverted, and I'll
Speaker 1: go make relationships, I'll introduce them to my wife and
Speaker 1: then I'll never see that friend ever again. And they've
Speaker 1: become best friends with my wife. So I'm used to that.
Speaker 4: I think you ever hold on I'm staying her up.
Speaker 2: But do you ever have to kind of like, look,
Speaker 2: I have sometimes there's a thing when you put out
Speaker 2: a lot of stuff into the world, yes, you know
Speaker 2: your content, you can't people come up to you and
Speaker 2: they say things to you that feel pointed, like you're okay,
Speaker 2: but I love your wife, and that does feel It
Speaker 2: feels like they're trying to nag you a little bit.
Speaker 2: I can understand.
Speaker 4: I feel like they're trying to humble me.
Speaker 2: That's what they absolutely and I would feel just get
Speaker 2: triggered by that, though, no triggering.
Speaker 4: I love it. I love my wife she is.
Speaker 2: But is that how you deal with it? Do you go, well,
Speaker 2: this is a compliment on me because look at me
Speaker 2: being with this wonderful person that they love. Do you
Speaker 2: have to do that? Ever? Like in my head, I'll
Speaker 2: let people come up to me and they'll go, oh, man,
Speaker 2: I was they were just at my show?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I love the charcoutery stuff you do. I'm like, and now,
Speaker 2: and then I get mad at the other stuff I
Speaker 2: put out.
Speaker 3: What about what you saw?
Speaker 1: That is the exact point of mindfulness training, Like this
Speaker 1: is exactly this meditate Yeah no, but this is exactly.
Speaker 2: This is why.
Speaker 1: This is why when we're having this conversation, it's it's
Speaker 1: so alien to people. And it's not because I was
Speaker 1: born without anger or hatred or any of these things.
Speaker 1: The point is that is the point of mindfulness that
Speaker 1: when I'm hearing that, my circuit board internally is going,
Speaker 1: I love my wife. I love that someone else loves
Speaker 1: my wife. This is awesome, right, Like it's brilliant, And
Speaker 1: I found that. I think if I wasn't secure in
Speaker 1: who I am and what I'm doing, I think that
Speaker 1: would trigger me, right, And I think that's what's really interesting.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you saw this movie. I think
Speaker 1: it was on Netflix this year called fair Play.
Speaker 4: Yes, a lot of people haven't seen it. Correct. Yeah,
Speaker 4: So it's.
Speaker 1: Based on a couple. It's a it's a movie. This
Speaker 1: couple are madly in love. He's just proposed, they're about
Speaker 1: to get married, but they both get put up for
Speaker 1: the same promotion at work and so now they yeah
Speaker 1: at a headshant, so they're now competing in an ultra
Speaker 1: competitive environment for the same job. I'm not going to
Speaker 1: tell you anymore if you haven't seen it, so I'm
Speaker 1: laying it up so that you watch the movie. But
Speaker 1: the movie does a great job of showing like gender roles,
Speaker 1: people feeling emasculated, like the challenges that come in the
Speaker 1: bedroom because of the intimacy, you know, everything else that
Speaker 1: goes on, and so I recommend watching the movie. But
Speaker 1: I think a lot of that comes from us feeling irrelevant, insignificant,
Speaker 1: or unfocused on who we are. And I think when
Speaker 1: you feel a sense of calm and confidence about what
Speaker 1: you are and what you don't. So I do agree
Speaker 1: that if I didn't know what I was doing for
Speaker 1: work and I didn't know who I was, then I
Speaker 1: think that kind of stuff would really trigger me. And
Speaker 1: so I've constantly tried to work on who I am
Speaker 1: and who I want to be right.
Speaker 3: I think all triggers, like you said, are kind of
Speaker 3: come from a place of insecurity. But I mean I
Speaker 3: feel like there's there's a sense of being secure and
Speaker 3: who you are, but there's certain I mean everyone has
Speaker 3: some I do you have any insecurity?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I mean, yeah, absolutely, I mean to
Speaker 1: be totally vulnerable. I think I get you know, insecure. Okay,
Speaker 1: there's a few things I'll defth straight into it. One
Speaker 1: of it is I think that some people sometimes when
Speaker 1: I meet people, again, this is the one percent of
Speaker 1: the ninety nine, right, we have to say that.
Speaker 4: We have to say that.
Speaker 2: It is so important to.
Speaker 3: Say everyone knows that people mostly love us.
Speaker 4: Right, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: But like sometimes I'm insecure that when I'm around someone
Speaker 1: that they're wanting me to say something wise all the time.
Speaker 1: So I have an insecurity of like God, if I
Speaker 1: don't say something profound and wise, and in the past,
Speaker 1: I would really overthink that.
Speaker 4: I'm sure you have this for being funny, right, Like
Speaker 4: you have to be funny.
Speaker 1: So if I'm not wise in a room and you're
Speaker 1: not funny in a room, then we've lost the room,
Speaker 1: right Like that feeling, So I used to carry this around.
Speaker 2: Has turned around now because I so, yeah, you haven't
Speaker 2: been very funny. I just go, well, good lot, and
Speaker 2: then I move on from the person. I go, we
Speaker 2: are not do you have? Do you have? Now? Do
Speaker 2: you change?
Speaker 4: I have? So I had that. I used to carry
Speaker 4: it that around really heavily, and I.
Speaker 1: Used to feel such pressure. Yeah, and I would feel stressed.
Speaker 1: And then I found I wasn't even present. And then
Speaker 1: I found I'm not even listening because now I'm trying
Speaker 1: to say the right thing. And I let go of that,
Speaker 1: and now I just act like myself. So if I'm tired,
Speaker 1: I'll be tired. If I'm exhausted, I'll be exhausted. If
Speaker 1: I'm buzzing, I'll be buzzing. If I'm trying to be funny,
Speaker 1: if I'm if I'm being in advantest, I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: be because I'm just so much more comfortable with my
Speaker 1: own skin now.
Speaker 2: I'll say for someone to like, if you're like, hey,
Speaker 2: what do you do and you're like, well, I do mindfulness,
Speaker 2: I'm you know, I like to you know I was
Speaker 2: a monk, and they go, well, I haven't had my
Speaker 2: life changed yet. Like for someone to react like that
Speaker 2: is such a piece of guard.
Speaker 1: But sometimes people are looking for it too, right, And
Speaker 1: I think, so that's that's one thing. And then I
Speaker 1: also get in insecurity or so I've definitely had that
Speaker 1: and I carried that for a long time. I think
Speaker 1: that sometimes you have an insecurity of people feeling like
Speaker 1: you think you're important. So it's kind of like you'reking
Speaker 1: room and people assume that you think you're important or
Speaker 1: that you've brought into your own hype, right, and so
Speaker 1: now you're trying to kind of make sure that prove
Speaker 1: them wrong and make sure that everyone realizes that.
Speaker 4: No, no, no, we're cool.
Speaker 2: You.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we're all on the same page that we're cool.
Speaker 2: You're so lucky you're not single, because this is what
Speaker 2: women do to you. And I'm saying women do this
Speaker 2: to you. Just this is I'm just saying, I know this.
Speaker 2: Please tell us a single guy.
Speaker 3: I think men do that too. If I used to
Speaker 3: get you know, when I was single, So are you funny?
Speaker 3: And I'd be like, well, it depends who you ask.
Speaker 1: Right, But that's a great answer because you're not trying
Speaker 1: to appeal.
Speaker 4: And that's what I found.
Speaker 1: You're not trying to appease the person, and you're also
Speaker 1: not being rude, and it's just an honest answer and
Speaker 1: you just being real, like that's a very normal response always.
Speaker 3: I think disarm conversations a great answer.
Speaker 2: And you're right, it is no matter the gender. If
Speaker 2: you're single, this is what you deal with as a
Speaker 2: single because you're dealing with variables. You have people that
Speaker 2: are coming in and trying to make a move on you,
Speaker 2: or be flirty or be funny and show who they
Speaker 2: are right away. So it turns into, oh, you're not
Speaker 2: that great, and it's like that's not a you didn't
Speaker 2: have to say that. You didn't have to say I
Speaker 2: was great. I'm just here to meet you, you know.
Speaker 3: And that's the thing with dating. I think that you
Speaker 3: do the best when you're looking for the positive, as
Speaker 3: opposed to when you're trying you're trying to almost you
Speaker 3: come in defensive, or you come in trying to, you know,
Speaker 3: make the person feel like you're good enough for them.
Speaker 3: And that's why people do things like that.
Speaker 1: Well, I think so often and so often in the
Speaker 1: dating scene, we're trying so hard to make someone like
Speaker 1: us without even knowing whether we like them, right, So
Speaker 1: we go into him like like me, like me, like me,
Speaker 1: like me, and then they like us. I'm like, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, do I even know who this person is? Right?
Speaker 2: And you can't know that when you're twenty two, Like
Speaker 2: that's just the thing, Like that is aging too, Like
Speaker 2: so much of this, yes, isn't genius. It's growing up
Speaker 2: and going and being self reflective. Like it takes time,
Speaker 2: because I know exactly. You know. When I was twenty
Speaker 2: five starting comedy, I remember this guy sat next to
Speaker 2: me in a bar all your and I said, I'm
Speaker 2: a comedian.
Speaker 4: It was like the first time I ever said.
Speaker 2: He's like, tell me a joke, and I'm like and
Speaker 2: I say, like note cards and I'm like, who, there's
Speaker 2: this fun He's like, well, you're gonna have to work
Speaker 2: on that. I'm like, I guess you got me Like
Speaker 2: like I don't know, Yeah, I know.
Speaker 4: The feeling, but I think that's day I would never
Speaker 4: do that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's that feeling of people trying to get you.
Speaker 1: I carry that insecurity. I feel like sometimes I'm in
Speaker 1: a room and I'm like, all right, someone's just trying
Speaker 1: to get me. And that's an uncomfortable anxiety and nervousness
Speaker 1: to carry around. And I was speaking to you know,
Speaker 1: people who are far more you know, successful and everything
Speaker 1: else than I am, and they were saying to me,
Speaker 1: like just the amount of anxiety they carry, because every
Speaker 1: word they say is going to be analyzed, over, analyzed, printed, scripted,
Speaker 1: put out there for the world, you know, right, And
Speaker 1: so you start and that's for people I'm talking about,
Speaker 1: people who are you know who every word that they
Speaker 1: say is the fun pa consitions.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, kench Jenner says one thing off script that's
Speaker 2: written down.
Speaker 3: Yeah, she's apologizing it for a month.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 2: People don't forget like you look at Kim. People never
Speaker 2: work anymore.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So you carry a little you carry it. You
Speaker 1: start carrying a tiny bit of that, you know, you
Speaker 1: start worrying. And one of the things I was thinking
Speaker 1: about that you raised, which isn't about dating, but maybe
Speaker 1: it comes into that, was, you know, there was there
Speaker 1: was a time when when things were really starting to
Speaker 1: take off. And I've generally been someone who, despite challenges,
Speaker 1: despite things that are going wrong, I've always tried to
Speaker 1: focus on the wins and amplify the greatness and the
Speaker 1: goodness because I believe that attracts more abundance, and so
Speaker 1: I've generally been that way, and I've always been like that,
Speaker 1: what do.
Speaker 4: I mean in the sense of like, for example.
Speaker 2: You'll have a win, You're like, celebrate the win for example?
Speaker 4: I mean, is you know, is it hard doing what
Speaker 4: we all do? Of course it is.
Speaker 1: It's challenging, But I look at the things I'm grateful
Speaker 1: for far more than I'll focus on the things that
Speaker 1: are challenging, because I think that's healthier way to live,
Speaker 1: or it's a way I like to live. And at
Speaker 1: one point I realized when I was doing that, I
Speaker 1: saw that a few of the people I was hanging
Speaker 1: around with. I could tell that me sharing the growth
Speaker 1: that I was having was rubbing them the wrong way,
Speaker 1: and so whenever I was with them, I would now
Speaker 1: try and be more negative, to be more relatable. And
Speaker 1: it was an insecurity that I had because I was like, well,
Speaker 1: I need them to feel comfortable around me, so I'm
Speaker 1: going to start saying things that are going wrong so
Speaker 1: that they do realize my life is hard and bad
Speaker 1: and all the rest of it. And I started really
Speaker 1: just getting into my own negativity cycle because now I'd
Speaker 1: opened the door that I didn't used to open before.
Speaker 4: Well, I think a lot of single people can relate
Speaker 4: to that way.
Speaker 2: It's like you get a dating win. Yeah, go back
Speaker 2: to your other single friends and they're not as happy
Speaker 2: about it, you know, as you all.
Speaker 3: It's like sort of a silent race, right yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And it's so hard because you love that person.
Speaker 1: You don't want to agitate someone, you don't want to
Speaker 1: trigger someone. At the same time, you want to share
Speaker 1: this thing that you're going through and you're experiencing not
Speaker 1: in an egotistic way, but in a sharing of the
Speaker 1: heart way. And I think it's it's tough. So anyway
Speaker 1: I'm laying out all my insecurities to you.
Speaker 4: No, No, I have tons.
Speaker 2: It's hard, I would assume because people come to you
Speaker 2: for answers and they and you give them answers that
Speaker 2: are very concrete and said very well and something that
Speaker 2: they can kind of go repeat to themselves in those
Speaker 2: times of their own insecurities.
Speaker 4: Are the things that you Where do you look to where?
Speaker 2: What's your Do you have a person that you look
Speaker 2: What podcasts are you listening to?
Speaker 1: I definitely, I definitely feel like I grew up on
Speaker 1: a lot of opro, which is it's is huge and
Speaker 1: very inspiring, so so a big fan. But I think
Speaker 1: for me, there's there's two things I look to. One
Speaker 1: thing is I just love studying humans, Like I love
Speaker 1: observing people, people online, people's lives. I read a ton
Speaker 1: of biographies, I watch biopics. I love like if you
Speaker 1: want to the David Beckham documentary that just came out
Speaker 1: on Netflix, I haven't recommend it, and it's like I
Speaker 1: grew up following him and so I've I knew everything
Speaker 1: that was in the documentary, but it was just this
Speaker 1: feeling of like, I love studying a human's journey and
Speaker 1: how you know, at one point he was completely villainized
Speaker 1: in the country and people hated him because he got
Speaker 1: sent off in a massive World Cup game. All the
Speaker 1: way through to he's one of the most adored icons
Speaker 1: of all time and so you get to see that.
Speaker 1: So I feel a lot of my learning comes from studying,
Speaker 1: researching and watching patterns and people and human behavior. That's
Speaker 1: kind of what I get.
Speaker 2: A watching people. Yeah, who on the plane do you
Speaker 2: hate the most?
Speaker 4: Who on the plane do I hate them?
Speaker 2: You travel? Travel, and I know, yeah, you're well, it's.
Speaker 3: Your biggest traveling pet peeve.
Speaker 1: Okay, so I'm travel time is my sacred time to
Speaker 1: be alone and and.
Speaker 2: Not believe in that it is a great time to
Speaker 2: switch a cry, to switch off and to like really
Speaker 2: say I'll eat and drink anything I want. Yes, game over.
Speaker 2: I'm with you.
Speaker 3: Because you said like there's a lot of pressure to
Speaker 3: feel all like humble. There's a lot of pressure to
Speaker 3: feel I'm sure it'll like be the most zen friend.
Speaker 4: No, I'm just looking over.
Speaker 3: Do you ever have to be like someone like this
Speaker 3: is actually my sa.
Speaker 1: It's more like while I'm catching up and selling Sunset
Speaker 1: and the buzz next to me going, does Jay Shady
Speaker 1: wat selling Sunset? You know, it's that kind of feeling
Speaker 1: of like, oh god, I'm gonna get judged from what
Speaker 1: I'm watching now, you know.
Speaker 4: It's it's that kind of feeling like please don't judge me.
Speaker 2: So well, this is so great. We're happy you're you're
Speaker 2: a foss front of the show. Uh Fox, Yeah, foss
Speaker 2: foss that sounds better. Foughts are I always friend of
Speaker 2: the pod? Fox put something like that, we're right to edit. Yeah, no, listen,
Speaker 2: I do. I will say being in the room with you.
Speaker 2: You do have this filling energy to you. Do people
Speaker 2: say that to you a lot.
Speaker 4: I don't know. It's like a star power. Start yeah,
Speaker 4: start factor, breath of fresh air.
Speaker 2: I love it. Everyone.
Speaker 4: Go listen to Jay's podcast, Go follow Jay.
Speaker 2: If you don't, alright, read the book. Read the book.
Speaker 2: It's all there. He's fantastic. I'm Jared Freed. We're here
Speaker 2: every Wednesday and Sunday with solving your Dating Needs. And
Speaker 2: we did it again.
Speaker 3: We did it again. We'll be back on Wednesday.
Speaker 4: Bye.
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you will also love my
Speaker 1: interview with Kendall Jenna on setting boundaries to increase happiness
Speaker 1: and healing.
Speaker 4: You're in a child.
Speaker 1: You could be reading something that someone is saying about
Speaker 1: you and being like, that is so unfair because that's
Speaker 1: not who I am and that really gets to me sometimes.
Speaker 2: But then looking at myself in the mirror and being like,
Speaker 2: but I know who I am.
Speaker 3: Why does anything else matter