WEBVTT - Second Cup: Make time for friends

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<v Speaker 1>Good morning, This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Today's tip is about how to make more time for friends.

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<v Speaker 1>Most of us see our colleagues when we go to work,

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<v Speaker 1>we see our families when we go home, but getting

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<v Speaker 1>together with friends can be challenging. We're so busy with

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<v Speaker 1>everything else that they tend to fall to the bottom

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<v Speaker 1>of the list. And that's too bad, because friends are

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<v Speaker 1>a good use of time. Indeed, good friends can make

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<v Speaker 1>us feel like we have more time. A few years ago,

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<v Speaker 1>for my book Off the Clock, I asked nine hundred

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<v Speaker 1>busy people to track their time for a day. Then

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<v Speaker 1>I asked them questions about how they felt about their time.

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<v Speaker 1>I found that the people who felt time was most

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<v Speaker 1>abundant spent a far higher proportion of their time interacting

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<v Speaker 1>with friends than people who felt time was scarce. And no,

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<v Speaker 1>it's not because the people who saw friends had less

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<v Speaker 1>going on. People who felt starved for time had just

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<v Speaker 1>as much leisure time as everyone else. They simply spent

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<v Speaker 1>more of it watching TV or on social media. The

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<v Speaker 1>correlation was so strong that I formed this theory. Being

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<v Speaker 1>social makes time. Social media kills time, So let's spend

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<v Speaker 1>more time with friends and less time on social media. Right.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm sure we could agree that this would be great,

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<v Speaker 1>But of course there are reasons we drift towards the screens.

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<v Speaker 1>When you're building our career and raising a family, a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of your leisure time appears late at night, when

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<v Speaker 1>it's hard to cease, or it requires planning ahead, or

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<v Speaker 1>hiring a sitter, or trading off childcare duties with your spouse.

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<v Speaker 1>Your friends are just as busy, they face the same challenges,

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<v Speaker 1>but Twitter is ready anytime you are. That said, I

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<v Speaker 1>do think that even busy people can make time for friends.

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<v Speaker 1>One option is that you can build what I call

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<v Speaker 1>relationship planning into your life. In an earlier episode of

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<v Speaker 1>Before Breakfast, we talked about planning your upcoming weeks on

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<v Speaker 1>Friday Afternoons. I suggested listing priorities in three categories, career, relationships, self.

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<v Speaker 1>The reason to make a three category list is that

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<v Speaker 1>it reminds you to put something in all three categories.

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<v Speaker 1>It's hard to make a three category list and then

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<v Speaker 1>leave one of the categories blank. This is a good

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<v Speaker 1>way to nudge yourself to have a more balanced life. Anyway,

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<v Speaker 1>the relationship category might naturally focus on your spouse or

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<v Speaker 1>your kids. But I challenge you to make a friend

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<v Speaker 1>activity a priority at least every other week. Think about

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<v Speaker 1>whose company you enjoy and which friendships you really value.

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<v Speaker 1>Then use this planning time on Friday to reach out

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<v Speaker 1>and get something on the calendar. It doesn't have to

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<v Speaker 1>be elaborate. A phone or video chat can work with

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<v Speaker 1>someone who doesn't live nearby, or you can plan to

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<v Speaker 1>meet for coffee or lunch. That's how you build relationship

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<v Speaker 1>planning into your life. But over years of studying people's time,

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<v Speaker 1>I've realized that the people who spend the most time

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<v Speaker 1>with their friends tend to structure their lives so they

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<v Speaker 1>don't need to plan really ationship time. It happens automatically.

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<v Speaker 1>Here's what I mean. Some things happen once. Other things

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<v Speaker 1>fall into the category of recurring events. You don't have

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<v Speaker 1>to plan them. They just happen over and over. This

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<v Speaker 1>is neither good nor bad on its own. It can

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<v Speaker 1>be a bad thing. With recurring meetings at work, people

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<v Speaker 1>keep tramping to that Tuesday morning staff meeting week after

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<v Speaker 1>week just to report that, yep, they're still doing their jobs.

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<v Speaker 1>This meeting has long ceased to earn its place on

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<v Speaker 1>the calendar, but you keep going because it's there. But

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<v Speaker 1>the recurring event phenomenon can be a good thing. When

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<v Speaker 1>we're talking about getting together with friends, it's often the

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<v Speaker 1>planning that's the huge hurdle. I remember one get together

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<v Speaker 1>I was trying to plan a few years ago. I

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<v Speaker 1>sent out a doodle pole. We had to move forward

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<v Speaker 1>two months before we could find a time that most

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<v Speaker 1>people were available, and I kept going back and forth

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<v Speaker 1>with the venue as we looked at different dates. It

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<v Speaker 1>was a lot of work for one night, and while

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<v Speaker 1>it was really fun, it was not something that inspired

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<v Speaker 1>me to try again soon. Recurring events, though, don't have

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<v Speaker 1>this problem. If you know that your gang gets together

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<v Speaker 1>for drinks every Monday night at the same bar, you

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<v Speaker 1>don't have to plan each Monday. You can go or

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<v Speaker 1>you cannot go, but people tend to become regulars. You

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<v Speaker 1>start to build your life around these anchors in your calendar.

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<v Speaker 1>You promised to pick up the kids on Tuesday, if

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<v Speaker 1>your spouse will take Monday. When your colleagues asked a

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<v Speaker 1>schedule meeting, you don't suggest Monday at four thirty p m.

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<v Speaker 1>So if you have a group of friends you'd like

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<v Speaker 1>to see regularly. Think about what kind of recurring get

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<v Speaker 1>together would work. Maybe it's a Friday morning breakfast or

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<v Speaker 1>an early Saturday morning run. Maybe it's the first Thursday

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<v Speaker 1>of the month book club, or you could volunteer at

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<v Speaker 1>a food bank. Together every other Sunday. Think about the

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<v Speaker 1>logistics required to make this happen. Take some time today

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<v Speaker 1>to work on your calendar, talk with your spouse, maybe

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<v Speaker 1>get help from an extended family member or a babysitter.

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<v Speaker 1>But what where it is? If you make a habit

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<v Speaker 1>of it, it's more likely to happen. If you've made

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<v Speaker 1>a habit of getting to the other with friends, I'd

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<v Speaker 1>love to hear about it. You can email me at

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<v Speaker 1>Before Breakfast podcast at i heeart media dot com. In

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<v Speaker 1>the meantime, this is Laura. Thanks for listening and here's

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<v Speaker 1>to making the most of our time. Hey, everybody, I'd

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<v Speaker 1>love to hear from you. You can send me your tips,

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<v Speaker 1>your questions, or anything else. Just connect with me on Twitter, Facebook,

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<v Speaker 1>and Instagram at Before Breakfast pod that's B the number

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<v Speaker 1>four then Breakfast p o D. You can also shoot

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<v Speaker 1>me an email at Before Breakfast podcast at i heeart

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<v Speaker 1>media dot com that Before Breakfast is spelled out with

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<v Speaker 1>all the letters. Thanks so much, I look forward to

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<v Speaker 1>staying in touch