Speaker 1: Hell I Suck At Dating with Denglert and Jared Haven
Speaker 1: and I heard radio podcast. Hey, welcome to an all
Speaker 1: new episode of Help I Suck At Dating. Dean is
Speaker 1: pretty sure in Pakistan. You can hear Dawson behind me
Speaker 1: right now. He's very excited for this episode because we
Speaker 1: have a wonderful guest who has not met Dawson yet,
Speaker 1: but that's because she lives in Los Angeles. You know
Speaker 1: her from the ir heart radio podcast Scrubbing In with
Speaker 1: Tanya and Becca. It is Becca Tilly, Becca, how the
Speaker 1: hell are you? How are you? I was so excited
Speaker 1: to do this with you. Oh, thank you. I know
Speaker 1: I wish Dean was here, but Dean so I don't
Speaker 1: know if you know that Dean is backpacking I think
Speaker 1: the mountains in Pakistan. Yeah, I saw his post last
Speaker 1: night that was like if if you don't hear from
Speaker 1: me in two weeks, uh, basically like send out a
Speaker 1: search warrant. So yeah, I don't know how Klin does it,
Speaker 1: because could you imagine if Haley was like, hey, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna go uh in the middle of nowhere
Speaker 1: and not have any service for two weeks. So just
Speaker 1: for those two weeks. Just pray that I'm alive. No,
Speaker 1: I Hayley's on tour right now, and I'm already like, well,
Speaker 1: less about the worry and more about the attention part
Speaker 1: of it, you know, Like I can't imagine her just
Speaker 1: going off the grid. I would be I think I
Speaker 1: would worry myself sick with anxiety. Oh, I always think
Speaker 1: the worst every I would wake up every day and
Speaker 1: be like, up, he's dead. It's so bad. But it's
Speaker 1: just the worst. Um. So, Haley's on tour right now.
Speaker 1: So how do you guys? How long is she on tour? Four?
Speaker 1: So she's on tour till September twenty three or something
Speaker 1: like in that area, so a little about eight weeks
Speaker 1: or six weeks, yeah, like a month and a half.
Speaker 1: How do you guys do long distance? Well, you know,
Speaker 1: when we met, we met five days before she left
Speaker 1: for her first tour. So that time of our life,
Speaker 1: when we first started dating, all we knew was long
Speaker 1: distance because she was gone for most of that year
Speaker 1: in two thousand and eighteen, and then she was like
Speaker 1: touring Europe. So we adjusted to it at that point
Speaker 1: and we were still getting to know each other. But
Speaker 1: now it's different because we had the pandemic and we've
Speaker 1: had so much time together and realize that we actually
Speaker 1: like love being together seven and so um it's it's
Speaker 1: actually been like an adjustment, mostly for me because I
Speaker 1: my whole life, I was like, I love being alone,
Speaker 1: I love sleeping alone. I don't need anybody, and then
Speaker 1: it's like you meet someone that changes everything and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: maybe I'm more needy than I realized. I think, do
Speaker 1: you ever crave moments of being alone? Um? I don't.
Speaker 1: I do, but like not from Haley, like Haley like
Speaker 1: the only exception. And I feel like when I socialize
Speaker 1: a lot, and if we're doing a lot of group things,
Speaker 1: I'll be like I need him alone, but I'm not
Speaker 1: necessarily meeting space or time from her, just mostly like
Speaker 1: I just need because I think when you find someone
Speaker 1: that you're just like comfortable with in any setting, you're
Speaker 1: just like we can just sit in the room and
Speaker 1: not have to do anything or talk, but just like
Speaker 1: work together. Yeah. So Ashley always phrases it, whenever she's
Speaker 1: with me, she feels like she's alone, but in the
Speaker 1: best way possible because she never we never get tired
Speaker 1: of being around one another. She's one of the first
Speaker 1: people I've ever met or been around so much in
Speaker 1: my life that I truly don't get tired of. And
Speaker 1: I think that's a great sign for any relationship. One
Speaker 1: of the best pieces of advice I've ever got, I'm
Speaker 1: going to name drop right now, was from Sir Rob Thomas,
Speaker 1: and uh he said that, um, you know, with marriage,
Speaker 1: Uh you know, he's been married to his wife for
Speaker 1: a very long time now, and he said that one
Speaker 1: the most important advice he gives to anybody who's in
Speaker 1: a relationship is that this person, whoever you marry or
Speaker 1: whoever you're with, you will be with every day for
Speaker 1: the rest of your life, and you will have a
Speaker 1: conversation with every single day for the rest of your life,
Speaker 1: similar to what Dawson is trying to do right now.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure Dawson's trying to have a conversation. He
Speaker 1: went to wig in on this conversation. Dawson, Penny for
Speaker 1: your thoughts, how do you think our relationship goes? It
Speaker 1: is weird when I think about, you know, being his father.
Speaker 1: We were hanging out yesterday and uh, he's already kind
Speaker 1: of my best friend, and that's cool. I know him
Speaker 1: so well, but it makes me kind of sad because
Speaker 1: I think that he's never gonna remember, Like he'll never
Speaker 1: remember these moments. He'll never have memories of this time
Speaker 1: in his life where this is probably one of the
Speaker 1: most impactful times of my life with him. Yeah, like
Speaker 1: that makes me sad. I think about my own parents
Speaker 1: and how much care and love they put into me
Speaker 1: when I was a baby and literally couldn't hold my
Speaker 1: own head up, And it's just something that I've just
Speaker 1: always taken for granted and have never given a second
Speaker 1: thought until my adult years when I had a kid. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it's one of those things, like I think there's
Speaker 1: every cycle of life where we go through these things
Speaker 1: right where it's like like I would think about when
Speaker 1: I moved out to California with my older sister my
Speaker 1: brother in law, and then I didn't realize how much
Speaker 1: they had done for me just by letting me live
Speaker 1: with them and like giving me that opportunity until I
Speaker 1: owned my own place and then my younger sisters came
Speaker 1: and lived with me. It's like that thing that you
Speaker 1: don't realize how important and how impactful it was until
Speaker 1: you are experiencing it yourself, so like, of course, I
Speaker 1: can't even imagine what it feels like having a child,
Speaker 1: and like the exhaustion and the love and the effort
Speaker 1: that you're putting into just keeping him happy and fed
Speaker 1: and alive. And he's just like, I'm a baby. This
Speaker 1: is what this is what you have to do. He
Speaker 1: just he'll he'll cry and cry and cry, and then
Speaker 1: we'll sit him up and he'll smile at us, and
Speaker 1: then it's like, all right, well that was all worth
Speaker 1: it does so Ashley said, actually always talks about how
Speaker 1: he needs attention seven. Well, the problem is we give
Speaker 1: him attention seven. So now I think he's getting accustomed
Speaker 1: to it, and whenever we don't give him attention, he's like, well,
Speaker 1: what the hell is this? I I you know, this
Speaker 1: is not the way life is supposed to be. So
Speaker 1: we're in the phase right now where he's he's had
Speaker 1: a little bit of a sleep progression for the past month,
Speaker 1: so he wakes up every like three or four hours,
Speaker 1: and we're gonna have to get to a point where
Speaker 1: we just let him cry it out. Yeah, And we
Speaker 1: tried doing it last night. It did not work, because
Speaker 1: you know, he was crying for like ten straight minutes
Speaker 1: since Ashley's like, can't do it. I can't do it.
Speaker 1: I can't let him cry like this, and so she
Speaker 1: went up and comforted him, and uh so we're gonna
Speaker 1: have to ease into that because I you know, it's
Speaker 1: hard because you you love him so much. We live,
Speaker 1: we love him so much. We want to make sure
Speaker 1: that if he's crying or in any discomfort, we take
Speaker 1: care of him and give him the attention that you
Speaker 1: know he's obviously begging for. But at the same time,
Speaker 1: I feel like we're doing him a disservice because I
Speaker 1: want him to be, you know, grow up, to become
Speaker 1: an independent kid and an adult and someone who can
Speaker 1: you rely on himself. And I don't know, I get
Speaker 1: nervous in these formative years that he's just gonna grow
Speaker 1: up and be like, oh no, they like if I cry,
Speaker 1: I get attention. That's the way life works. Well, I
Speaker 1: think you have some time before I think. I mean,
Speaker 1: there's so many I also can't imagine being a parent now.
Speaker 1: There's so many opinions in every direction you turn, Like
Speaker 1: if you posted about that on Instagram, you would get
Speaker 1: one thousand different opinions on what you should do, and
Speaker 1: it's like you just have to do what works, you know.
Speaker 1: It's like like yeah, and like you tried it last night.
Speaker 1: Ten minutes is a long time to listen to your
Speaker 1: baby cry, So of course it's like, hey, I can.
Speaker 1: I would be the same way. So I think y'all
Speaker 1: are doing an amazing job. And I think the fact
Speaker 1: that he loves your attention and once your attention is
Speaker 1: a great thing. And hopefully he continues to want and
Speaker 1: love your attention throughout his life and he doesn't go
Speaker 1: through now st teenager, I know, but he definitely is.
Speaker 1: We were talking about it, actually, and I always talked
Speaker 1: about it, how like one day he's just gonna he's
Speaker 1: gonna tell us that he hates us and he's not
Speaker 1: gonna mean it, and where we know that he won't
Speaker 1: mean it, and then there's gonna be times where he
Speaker 1: doesn't want to hang out with us. The thing was,
Speaker 1: Ashley was just not that kid. She was the kid
Speaker 1: that wanted to sit next to her mom on field
Speaker 1: trips on the bus. She was the kid who always
Speaker 1: wanted to go hang out with her parents on weekends.
Speaker 1: So that's troublesome because I certainly loved my parents, but
Speaker 1: you know, of course I wanted to you know, not
Speaker 1: be around them, or I was embarrassed or I remember,
Speaker 1: you know, my dad used to kiss me my I
Speaker 1: guess this is a weird thing, but like, my dad
Speaker 1: used to kiss me on the lips till I was
Speaker 1: probably like I don't know, like six or seven, I guess.
Speaker 1: And I remember I pulled up to school and my
Speaker 1: dad kiss me on the lips, and then we left
Speaker 1: and then like my friends are like it's gross, like
Speaker 1: so disgusting, blah blah blah blah blah, and then I
Speaker 1: was like, uh, well, yeah, no, you're right, and then
Speaker 1: obviously that stopped there, and uh, I don't know. I'm
Speaker 1: just thinking about the things that I'm going to do
Speaker 1: to embarrass Dawson. I think we're gonna be pretty cool parents, though,
Speaker 1: I mean his parents were on TV, so we already
Speaker 1: have like a you'll have the best I was. I
Speaker 1: was laying in bed last night thinking about how y'all
Speaker 1: story is literally a written rom calm, Like everything about it,
Speaker 1: like from just the little things, like just Ashley's personality
Speaker 1: as a whole is like a rom calm to me,
Speaker 1: and I love it. So much because I just think
Speaker 1: of the potential of a script written about y'all's life,
Speaker 1: and how has someone not done it yet. She's so
Speaker 1: wonderful and yet the biggest pain in the ass. But
Speaker 1: that's what makes her such a romantic comedy character. Even today,
Speaker 1: we were hanging things up on the wall and I
Speaker 1: swear to god, I hung up a picture that was
Speaker 1: a quarter all right, It was like a half inch
Speaker 1: off from center, but it still looked really good. And
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, it looks good. And she's just
Speaker 1: staring at it and I'm like, ash, it looks good.
Speaker 1: And she's like, I don't think I could live with
Speaker 1: it like that. And I'm like, oh my god, get out,
Speaker 1: I'm moving it. I'm going to move it a quarter
Speaker 1: of an inch down, you, psycho. So and then she's like,
Speaker 1: it's me. It's me. It's not you. It's me. I'm
Speaker 1: the crazy one. I'm like, I'm aware, but I will
Speaker 1: move it. I will move it. So anyway, that's what
Speaker 1: makes her such a good character. But anyway, we were
Speaker 1: talking about you, we were talking about Haley. So you
Speaker 1: guys met five days before you went on she went
Speaker 1: on tour. Yeah, so we met at her album released party,
Speaker 1: which was on a Wednesday, and then we like had
Speaker 1: drinks and hung out and like actually realized we liked
Speaker 1: each other that weekend and then she left and I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, you know, my mind was like, maybe
Speaker 1: this was just like a fun weekend. Oh I didn't
Speaker 1: know her. I didn't know like you hear things like
Speaker 1: the life of a touring artist, and you don't assume
Speaker 1: that they're like ready for like settling down or commitment.
Speaker 1: So I kind of was like, we'll see what happens.
Speaker 1: And yeah, I mean we've talked every day since then,
Speaker 1: so we basically started dating when we that weekend we
Speaker 1: hung out for the first time. So you guys did
Speaker 1: like she asked you out? Did you ask her out?
Speaker 1: And then my question is when she left for the
Speaker 1: five days, did you reach out? Did she reach out?
Speaker 1: How did the conversation keep going? Because I guess a
Speaker 1: lot of people it would have probably just ended there
Speaker 1: and because we're like, oh that was fun few days,
Speaker 1: and then you would have waited for them to reach
Speaker 1: out and they would have never reached out, and then
Speaker 1: it was like that one fling. I think this is
Speaker 1: the difference in this relationship because I've always loved like
Speaker 1: The Chase, and with Haley, there was never that guessing game,
Speaker 1: Like we just talked. There was never like who's going
Speaker 1: to text you first? Like it was just like if
Speaker 1: I wanted to text our, text her, If she wanted
Speaker 1: to text me, she text me. If we wanted to
Speaker 1: talk on FaceTime, we FaceTime. Like there was never this
Speaker 1: like back and forth cat and mouse saying. It just
Speaker 1: was like so easy from the beginning in the sense
Speaker 1: of like we knew that we both liked each other,
Speaker 1: and there was never, like, um, a guessing game, and
Speaker 1: I had never experienced that because I was so used
Speaker 1: to like seeking that game and like thriving on the Chase,
Speaker 1: and um, yeah, it was like it's been it was
Speaker 1: nice to not I never even thought about it till
Speaker 1: someone asked me later on, like, um, who I think,
Speaker 1: like who made the first move? And I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't. I think there was just it was just
Speaker 1: a knowing, which was cool. That's very nice because usually
Speaker 1: it's not that way. No, it's very rarely that way.
Speaker 1: That's really nice. So did you go visit her when
Speaker 1: she was on tour? Yeah, so I went to, Um,
Speaker 1: I think her for the first time I visited her,
Speaker 1: we were we went to she was in Minneapolis, so
Speaker 1: like we went to Mall of America, which was really
Speaker 1: you know, I don't know if you've ever been there.
Speaker 1: I have not heard. Um, so I'm a big mall rat,
Speaker 1: not gonna lie. I'm that guy, and uh, I want
Speaker 1: to go just because it's the biggest ball in America.
Speaker 1: It's really cool. I mean they have like a whole section.
Speaker 1: It was like a roller coaster and like a whole
Speaker 1: like little amusement park in there. And yeah, it was
Speaker 1: really fun and it was always fun to go visit her,
Speaker 1: and um, that was just our life and what we
Speaker 1: knew and then and so when the pandemic hit and
Speaker 1: we were together all the time. She loves she loves
Speaker 1: to work, like she is so passionate about what she does.
Speaker 1: And she you know, even during the pandemic, it was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm obviously not doing music, so I'm gonna I'm gonna
Speaker 1: like try and write a script. Like that's her mindset
Speaker 1: where I'm like, I'm just trying to do a puzzle,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm just trying to get a puzzle done
Speaker 1: and find some new music. Like there wasn't she just
Speaker 1: she always loves to work, and so um, when I
Speaker 1: realized that we actually loved being around each other was
Speaker 1: kind of during that time because we didn't have a
Speaker 1: choice and it was like her being stuck in the
Speaker 1: house was her worst nightmare, and we made it work.
Speaker 1: And so after that, I was like, we're pretty good together.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm excited. Yeah, the pandemic made or broke a
Speaker 1: lot of relationships because that's when you realized, oh, wow,
Speaker 1: can I be with this person all the time? And
Speaker 1: you found out pretty quickly, And I'm glad that you
Speaker 1: found out for the for the better. That's awesome. I
Speaker 1: know I feel that way. I I agree with you.
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people realize like, okay, we
Speaker 1: we are in this for the long run, or like
Speaker 1: we have some things to talk about, especially with the pandemic,
Speaker 1: because there's so much stress put on, especially in the beginning.
Speaker 1: So not only were you forced to live with one another,
Speaker 1: but you were also forced to really see each other,
Speaker 1: you know, in the most high stressed of environments where
Speaker 1: nobody knew what was going on. You had to try
Speaker 1: to keep working, nobody was making money, You couldn't go
Speaker 1: outside you couldn't be around people. And then I mean,
Speaker 1: I remember I was crazy in the beginning. I was
Speaker 1: the guy washing every single piece of groceries that we got,
Speaker 1: you know. I was the guy who would make sure
Speaker 1: that we wouldn't go into the grocery store we'd get, like,
Speaker 1: would go on the app and make sure that they
Speaker 1: would come out and put the groceries in the trunk,
Speaker 1: and then I go home. We wouldn't bring the bags in.
Speaker 1: I'd go outside with my gloves and I'd wash every
Speaker 1: single piece of whatever, you know, popcorn or cereal or
Speaker 1: whatever the hell we got. And uh man, looking back,
Speaker 1: that was so stupid, Like, yeah, you find out it
Speaker 1: didn't even spread that way, I know, but no one knew.
Speaker 1: Like we were just all doing our best, and that
Speaker 1: was like the most we could do, honestly, so seriously
Speaker 1: and at least past the time, you know, I was
Speaker 1: like I got something to do. At least. I remember
Speaker 1: I read a lot too, that was nice. I read
Speaker 1: a lot during that time. That was fun. I don't
Speaker 1: read anymore. It's so dared, like literally, what part of
Speaker 1: your day when to read? Right now? There's no time
Speaker 1: because I try to read before I go to bed,
Speaker 1: but I'm so tired that I don't, and I end
Speaker 1: up scrolling on my phone for twenty minutes. I'm like, man,
Speaker 1: that's twenty minutes I could be reading a book and
Speaker 1: feel better about myself instead of just scrolling through Instagram
Speaker 1: or TikTok and then just feeling worse about myself because
Speaker 1: I'm like, man, I'm a piece of shit. I why
Speaker 1: do we do it? It's like we all literally have
Speaker 1: these same conversations of wishing we didn't do the doom squirrel?
Speaker 1: Why don't we all? And I do it right before
Speaker 1: I go to bed, and I'm always like, I don't
Speaker 1: know why I had trouble sleeping. I couldn't go to sleep.
Speaker 1: And it's like, oh yeah, I sat there and scrolled
Speaker 1: and watch other people's lives for however many hours without
Speaker 1: even realizing sales on YouTube. I've gotten into that. It's
Speaker 1: so pathetic. It's so pathetic. They're the best. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: they're the best. They're so awesome. Whether it be the
Speaker 1: guy who's like it's just so stupid anyway, um, well,
Speaker 1: continue to say that's I was just gonna say, like,
Speaker 1: at least that's mindless, and it's just kind of like
Speaker 1: something to just in the day with I will be
Speaker 1: like on TikTok and it will be talking about like
Speaker 1: deep religious trauma or something that's like not peaceful before
Speaker 1: I go to sleep, and I'm like, why do I
Speaker 1: do this to myself? So? How long have you and
Speaker 1: Haley been together? Now, we've been together for a little
Speaker 1: over four years. That's crazy. And so you obviously just
Speaker 1: came out in a public relationship. Was it five months ago?
Speaker 1: Just about? And it was in May? So however many
Speaker 1: even for much time, like what three months ago? So
Speaker 1: how does it feel now that you're in a public relationship.
Speaker 1: Do you feel a sense of relief? Do you feel
Speaker 1: an adage stress? Um, I've definitely feel a sense of relief.
Speaker 1: I never realized because like we were public in the
Speaker 1: sense that everyone knew about you know, everyone that everyone
Speaker 1: knew about its like if when we came to Ben's wedding,
Speaker 1: Haley came with me, like you didn't like we were
Speaker 1: a secret. We just were not on social media. And
Speaker 1: I never thought that that us being public on social
Speaker 1: media would give me relief because I felt like I
Speaker 1: lived my life in real life so much. But um, yeah,
Speaker 1: it did. It. It made me feel so much lighter
Speaker 1: and I never expected to have that feeling. And the
Speaker 1: stress part of it is, I think being together for
Speaker 1: four years, I don't really feel the stress as much
Speaker 1: because we got to do it on our own timeline.
Speaker 1: And so even still it's like, yeah, people know about us,
Speaker 1: but it's still like up to us how much we post.
Speaker 1: And I think that's that's what makes me feel secure
Speaker 1: and like takes the stress part away of it. Was
Speaker 1: there ever a conversation before that, you guys, before you know,
Speaker 1: obviously you're living your lives be didn't post on social
Speaker 1: and you know, whether people think it's for the better
Speaker 1: or worse, Social media has become such an important part
Speaker 1: of not only our lives but relationships. You know Facebook
Speaker 1: status or you know, posting your significan get other on
Speaker 1: Instagram so everybody knows that you're in a relationship. You know,
Speaker 1: we talked about on the podcast before about it's it
Speaker 1: almost becomes awkward sometimes when people don't post about their
Speaker 1: significant others, because then it asked questions like, well, why
Speaker 1: won't you post about me? You know, is there a
Speaker 1: reason why are you afraid to post about me? Is
Speaker 1: there something else? Going on. So was there any of that, like,
Speaker 1: did you ever feel this pressure? Like, man, I you know,
Speaker 1: I don't want Haley to feel like I don't love her,
Speaker 1: you know, so I want to post about her. Um.
Speaker 1: I think she and she understood where I was coming
Speaker 1: from in this sense that she was the first woman
Speaker 1: I had ever been in a relationship with, and I
Speaker 1: also came from a very um hetero world of being
Speaker 1: on the Bachelor and having a huge following from the Bachelor,
Speaker 1: and also like you know, navigating all the things that
Speaker 1: I was going through personally. I think she was very
Speaker 1: understand ending of my situation. We definitely had conversations where
Speaker 1: she was like, I just you know, I was in
Speaker 1: the closet for so long, and I'm really comfortable being
Speaker 1: who I am, and like I'm very much out and
Speaker 1: celebrated for who I am. So UM. I always tried
Speaker 1: to make sure she knew that it was private and
Speaker 1: not secret, because I never wanted her to feel like
Speaker 1: a secret or feel like I was ashamed. I just
Speaker 1: wanted it to be like, Hey, I'm navigating this for
Speaker 1: the first time. I love you so much. If if
Speaker 1: we ever like met people, I was pretty much like
Speaker 1: this and my girlfriend. I tried my very best to
Speaker 1: never say like this and my friend you know, um,
Speaker 1: and I was just trying to navigate and she was
Speaker 1: really understanding. But we definitely had conversations where that was,
Speaker 1: you know, hard because she is celebrated for who she
Speaker 1: is and has been and has already gone through this
Speaker 1: process of like coming out and and the fear of that,
Speaker 1: and then I was kind of behind in this since
Speaker 1: navigating it for the first time. So they were definitely conversations,
Speaker 1: but we always came to an agreement of like, it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter what is posted on social media, and sometimes
Speaker 1: like honestly, when you're public or when you are public
Speaker 1: on social media, there's that pressure when you don't post
Speaker 1: together for a while, if it's like not even intentional
Speaker 1: or you're just like and you know, I'm not seeing
Speaker 1: Hailey for a few months, so we're not going to
Speaker 1: be together. If people are going to be like, you
Speaker 1: haven't posted with her in a while, what does that mean?
Speaker 1: It like brings on those questions. Um, So it kind
Speaker 1: of adds to it on that other side as well. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a weird world. Um. I think Ashley and I
Speaker 1: are kind of lucky. To extent that, Um, well, I
Speaker 1: think I'm lucky that Ashley is just so open and
Speaker 1: honest about everything that I think I've kind of given up.
Speaker 1: I remember when her and I first got together, I
Speaker 1: would be the person a little bit more reserved should
Speaker 1: be posting should we do, you know, ads together? It's
Speaker 1: just kind of, you know, I don't want people thinking
Speaker 1: that we're just in this for money or this is
Speaker 1: a publicity stunt. And you know, she's truly the one
Speaker 1: who just tellsn't give a crap, and and and it's like,
Speaker 1: so we're gonna what detriment our future because we care
Speaker 1: about what people think about us. I'm like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: guess when you put it that way, that makes a
Speaker 1: lot of sense. Like it's so true. Yesterday was saying,
Speaker 1: I don't even remember what I was thinking about, but
Speaker 1: I was what my example was. But I was thinking
Speaker 1: about how why we choose not to do certain things.
Speaker 1: But oh, I was watching this couple at the beach
Speaker 1: the other day and they were just having the best time,
Speaker 1: Like they did not care who was watching them. They
Speaker 1: were like in the water, like splashing each other. They
Speaker 1: were just like so focused and on that moment with
Speaker 1: each other, and I was like, humans are so drawn
Speaker 1: to emotion, Like we're so drawn to joy and sadness
Speaker 1: and or like we're so invested in emotion. And I
Speaker 1: feel like I don't know if it's the social media
Speaker 1: age or whatever, but there's always this need or like
Speaker 1: people feel like they need to like look a certain
Speaker 1: way or like be cool. And I think with um,
Speaker 1: I was thinking, if you ever choose not to do something,
Speaker 1: make sure it's for yourself and not because of what
Speaker 1: other people think. Because like in the grand scheme of life,
Speaker 1: you get one shot, so like you're not going to
Speaker 1: do something that you really want to do because you're
Speaker 1: scared of what someone's gonna think. It's so stupid if
Speaker 1: you like really like to see the spectrum of you know,
Speaker 1: how short we have here and like what we what
Speaker 1: we don't do or do do based on what other
Speaker 1: people think. And I've always loved actually for that because
Speaker 1: she's just like, I don't care. It was you know,
Speaker 1: I've always been attracted to people like that, and um,
Speaker 1: you know, I've always been envious of people who can
Speaker 1: do that because for a long time in my life
Speaker 1: I was unable to do that. I was unable to
Speaker 1: really put myself out there. You know, I'd put myself
Speaker 1: out there to a certain extent obviously, you know, I
Speaker 1: mean I went to the freaking Bachelor, for Christ's sakes,
Speaker 1: but um, you know, it was always with a sense
Speaker 1: of reservation. It was always a sense of like holding
Speaker 1: certain parts of me back because I was always scared
Speaker 1: that people would kind of figure out that, Okay, he's
Speaker 1: not as put together or cool as we thought he
Speaker 1: might be. And I thought that by holding myself back
Speaker 1: and not doing certain things or putting myself in vulnerable
Speaker 1: situations would make me, um, I don't know, feel better
Speaker 1: about myself. But in truth, it was the complete opposite,
Speaker 1: because whenever I would see or be with people, would
Speaker 1: be friends with people who would just do, you know, things,
Speaker 1: not whatever they wanted to do, but you know, like hey,
Speaker 1: let's go. Uh it would be like, um, let's fly
Speaker 1: kights in the park. I remember that one time. It
Speaker 1: was a friend of mine years ago, and she's just
Speaker 1: always so out there and uh she's great, and uh
Speaker 1: she's married with kids now, but I just remember she
Speaker 1: was like, let's go fly kights in the park. And
Speaker 1: I was like, well, I don't do that, Like that's
Speaker 1: not even though in my mind I was like I
Speaker 1: would love to do that, but I was like, I'm
Speaker 1: not doing that in no way, and then we ended
Speaker 1: up doing it. I was like, Wow, that was so
Speaker 1: much fun. I should be doing this more often. But
Speaker 1: then Ashley has really brought out that side of b
Speaker 1: you know, tenfold, where now I just feel that, you know,
Speaker 1: a lot of times in in stressful situations, whether it
Speaker 1: be about work or Dawson or the house or money,
Speaker 1: financials or anything like that, like, you know what, I'm
Speaker 1: not dead, you know, and that's better than what a
Speaker 1: lot of people can say. Unfortunately, you know, we're here,
Speaker 1: you know, luckily, you know, I still get to have
Speaker 1: times with my family. We have a healthy kid, I
Speaker 1: love my wife. You know, we have a roof over
Speaker 1: our head and I'm breathing. That's more than what a
Speaker 1: lot of people could say. So that centers me a lot,
Speaker 1: similar to like what you were talking about those two
Speaker 1: people in the water, where it's just like you're in
Speaker 1: the ocean and you're you're with somebody you want to
Speaker 1: be with and life is just a collection of moments.
Speaker 1: That's what I've kind of figured out over about life
Speaker 1: is that. I don't know if I figured out I
Speaker 1: don't have figured out a lot of things. But what
Speaker 1: I think life is is just like these collection of moments,
Speaker 1: um that add up to you know, becoming a life.
Speaker 1: And so you know, we just try to make up
Speaker 1: as many of those moments as possible. This guy really philosophical,
Speaker 1: didn't it. Damn? Yeah? I got deep, deep, deep, God Damn.
Speaker 1: I want to continue getting deep though. We have a
Speaker 1: few more minutes. Um, So what are your thoughts? Do
Speaker 1: you think that you and Haley will get married one day? Um?
Speaker 1: I think we're both like, I think we both know
Speaker 1: we want to be with each other. I'm I always
Speaker 1: thought of myself as being like super traditional, But the
Speaker 1: more i'm I think I'm allowing myself to have my
Speaker 1: own opinion on things and like figure things out for myself.
Speaker 1: I I just don't know, Like I've never been. I've
Speaker 1: never been someone who like envisioned myself as a bribe,
Speaker 1: you know, Like I don't relate to to the like movies.
Speaker 1: So of like I always dreamed of this is a
Speaker 1: little girl, I'm like, I'm not like that at all.
Speaker 1: And I think Hayley is, Um, I think she always
Speaker 1: hoped for the traditional things because she thought she would
Speaker 1: never be able to have them, you know, as a kid,
Speaker 1: like knowing she was gay and then being like seeing
Speaker 1: what the world looked like for gay people. I don't
Speaker 1: think she ever thought like, oh I could have the
Speaker 1: traditional things. But um, I think we're both in the
Speaker 1: same page right now where we like see a future together.
Speaker 1: But I don't know if we're like if we'll do
Speaker 1: like a traditional marriage, I don't know. I think right
Speaker 1: now we're like just happy to be public on public,
Speaker 1: have a relationship totally one step at a time. I
Speaker 1: wish Dean was here because Dean has always talked about
Speaker 1: how marriage is. I'm born to Calin, so he'll marry
Speaker 1: Calin because of how much it means to her. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you think you'll ever get into a point where
Speaker 1: you would possibly proposed to Hailey because you know how
Speaker 1: important it is to her? If it is that important. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel like if we ever had a conversation and
Speaker 1: she was like, this is you know, like really important
Speaker 1: or make it or break it for me, I would
Speaker 1: totally do that. I'm not I'm not like, oh you
Speaker 1: I'm not that. Um again, I'm not against it. At all.
Speaker 1: Just I'm like, yeah, I'm like, maybe if we got
Speaker 1: to have a party and like celebrate and have all
Speaker 1: all of our friends there and made like a commitment
Speaker 1: to each other, I think that's beautiful. Like I think
Speaker 1: there's so much beauty and tradition but um in marriage.
Speaker 1: But I um, yeah, I think we're both kind of
Speaker 1: It's nice because right now we're on the same page.
Speaker 1: But if that pressure ever came where it was like, hey,
Speaker 1: this is something that I realized I really want and
Speaker 1: it's really important to me, I would never be like
Speaker 1: I'm not going to give that to you or you
Speaker 1: know totally. So, now that you've been together with Haley
Speaker 1: for four years, what do you think you suck at dating? Most? Oh, well,
Speaker 1: I've I've learned a lot about what I suck at dating.
Speaker 1: I um, I'm working on it. I'm like, you know,
Speaker 1: we're all working on it therapy and stuff. But I'm
Speaker 1: I'm I have a hard time communicating my needs. Like
Speaker 1: I've always like, this is every relationship, friendships, everything where
Speaker 1: I just do what everyone else needs for me, and
Speaker 1: I am like I'm fine, I'm fine, I don't need anything.
Speaker 1: And then I get to a point where I feel
Speaker 1: like I haven't been um like thought of or considered,
Speaker 1: and so then I'm like, I do everything for everybody,
Speaker 1: and no one doesn't UM And so I think communicating
Speaker 1: my needs has been like the most obvious thing, one
Speaker 1: of the things I suck at dating. I couldn't I
Speaker 1: relate to that a lot. Ashley has yelled at me
Speaker 1: many times for being unable to communicate what I want
Speaker 1: or what I need. Uh. There'll be many times where
Speaker 1: she can tell something's wrong with me and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, and she's like, just
Speaker 1: tell me, and then I will tell her and then
Speaker 1: I'll feel better. And then she's like, isn't that better
Speaker 1: just to say what's bothering you? But the problem becomes
Speaker 1: now I'm starting to cross that line where I'm feel
Speaker 1: like I'm complaining too much, not to Ashley, but two
Speaker 1: people who are more like me, like my parents, because
Speaker 1: I've had so many moments in the past where like
Speaker 1: my parents will be like, how you doing, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm good, and that's just like it's not. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: sounds so bad because it sounds so surface level and
Speaker 1: it's not. It's not meant to be like that, but
Speaker 1: like now I'll they'll be like, how are you doing.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not that good, and they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: what's uh, what's wrong? They almost won't to know how
Speaker 1: to deal with it, And I'm like, oh, I'm so
Speaker 1: used to dealing with Ashley, who's just like tells how
Speaker 1: it is. And and then uh so that's like a
Speaker 1: boundary that I'm getting with. As Ashley's combing her hair
Speaker 1: in the background, we did have some hot topics that
Speaker 1: we didn't even have time to go over. Becca, You're
Speaker 1: so wonderful, You're so good at this, you should really
Speaker 1: host your own podcast one day. Um, so, well, I
Speaker 1: guess let's get into one here. We have a couple
Speaker 1: of hot topics. So Lorie Harvey, who's um Steve Harvey's daughter,
Speaker 1: she had her dating green flags and red flags after
Speaker 1: Michael B. Jordan's split. I'm not gonna lie, I didn't
Speaker 1: know they ever dated, but she's twenty five, she's did
Speaker 1: I don't is that like a thing? Should I have
Speaker 1: known that that Steve Harvey's daughter? Were just like, I don't, well,
Speaker 1: I I don't think I realized that was Steve Harvey's daughter.
Speaker 1: That's that's the thing that I'm isn't it in my wrongs?
Speaker 1: Am I just spreading face? Oh? You might be, but
Speaker 1: but they were so beautiful together. But I'm curious to
Speaker 1: hear her red flags and green flags of dating. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's her daughter, Lorie Harvey. Uh, Michael B. Jordan's dude,
Speaker 1: might could be Jordan's stud. I'm not gonna lie. I
Speaker 1: love Michael P. Jordan's Yeah. He Oh yeah, you're right, Jared.
Speaker 1: Somebody just perfect love it. Um yeah, I love Creed
Speaker 1: So you know, that's just always a good one. So good,
Speaker 1: so good, um so. Lorie Harvey says that she's dated
Speaker 1: enough to know who and what she wants in a
Speaker 1: partner now. Recently, she opened up about more of the
Speaker 1: telltale signs that she looks for in a partner, including
Speaker 1: her green flags which are good, red flags which are bad.
Speaker 1: So these are her green flags, she said, I would
Speaker 1: just say transparency, openness, and communication. I mean, duh h,
Speaker 1: like people it is. I mean, I guess it's a
Speaker 1: cliche for a reason, but like the amount of times
Speaker 1: I've heard communication is the most important thing in a relationship.
Speaker 1: And they're right there, right you actually you were talking
Speaker 1: about it earlier about your communication with Haley, and I
Speaker 1: was thinking to my mind about how well you guys
Speaker 1: have communicated, specifically with before you guys posted about how Hey, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm not hiding anything. I'm just doing it at my
Speaker 1: own time. I love you more than anything. You're so
Speaker 1: important to me. That's extremely well done of you both. Um,
Speaker 1: it is so fascinating how communication is so tough. Why
Speaker 1: is it so hard to like tell people how you feel.
Speaker 1: Because we're taught, like we're taught to not need anything,
Speaker 1: like we're taught to like, well, I feel like my
Speaker 1: life I was it was like you, Okay, I grew
Speaker 1: up in a very like Christian based world, and it
Speaker 1: was like you put everyone above yourself, so like your
Speaker 1: needs are less than anyone else's. So so when you
Speaker 1: think like that, you're you think like you're needing something
Speaker 1: as you being selfish when you ask for when it's
Speaker 1: just like a basic need, especially in a relationship, it's
Speaker 1: like that's you know, your partnership. It's not like a
Speaker 1: one sided thing where one person is doing every thing
Speaker 1: for the other. And um, yeah, so I was just
Speaker 1: never taught that it was okay to have those needs subconsciously,
Speaker 1: like no one was ever like you're not allowed to
Speaker 1: have needs. It was just like based on what I
Speaker 1: was taught, it felt like my needs were me being selfish. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's it's it's weird. I see it more in guys,
Speaker 1: if I'm being honest then then women in my own
Speaker 1: personal experience of my friends, because I have so many
Speaker 1: guys that, you know, while they play sports with and
Speaker 1: they're like, you know, try to be big macho man
Speaker 1: and they're fine, they're you know, everything's fine, and uh,
Speaker 1: it's like I see them in their relationships and there's
Speaker 1: so many times when they're communicating with their significant others
Speaker 1: and like you could tell that something's wrong, but like
Speaker 1: he won't say anything, and you can tell that they're
Speaker 1: just getting defensive because they're both getting piste off because
Speaker 1: they both have like thoughts in their mind that they're
Speaker 1: just refusing to address. And I guess maybe it's from
Speaker 1: my time on Bachelor Bachelorette and then also being with Ashley,
Speaker 1: it's like, bro, just like it's okay to be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I you know, I don't know, I I want to
Speaker 1: ride a horse. I don't know, like you know what
Speaker 1: I mean it's like just say what you want to
Speaker 1: say or do you know, just to express what you
Speaker 1: want to do and work, I work towards what what's
Speaker 1: better for your relationship instead of like constantly going through
Speaker 1: this cycle of like act not actually saying what you
Speaker 1: want to say and then just becoming angry and defensive
Speaker 1: over things and then getting into fights and the like.
Speaker 1: It's just like this constant cycle. I don't know. Um,
Speaker 1: so she goes on. She also says that she can
Speaker 1: appreciate people who are trying to beat around the bush
Speaker 1: or act like they want something that maybe they really don't. Um,
Speaker 1: I don't know why that she can appreciate that trying
Speaker 1: to beat around the bush or act like they want
Speaker 1: something that maybe they really don't. Yeah, but that's definitely
Speaker 1: I don't know if I don't uh support that and
Speaker 1: as a green flag, like don't beat around the bush,
Speaker 1: just tell me. Yeah, she's saying like she understands when
Speaker 1: people are trying to be gentle at expressing like or communicating,
Speaker 1: like she understands they're trying to be gentle and like
Speaker 1: beat around the bush. But just was there like a
Speaker 1: sentence after that, like no, it goes right into the
Speaker 1: red flags. After that, I'm assuming that she means, like,
Speaker 1: you know, handle things with grace or trying to you know,
Speaker 1: do whatever. Like it's the sandwich effect where it's like
Speaker 1: you say something good, then you say something bad, and
Speaker 1: then you say something good again. Uh. Whenever I think
Speaker 1: of that, though, I think of the first person I
Speaker 1: think of all the time is Nick File because that
Speaker 1: guy has and I love that man more than anything. Here.
Speaker 1: We always talk about this, I really do. But it's
Speaker 1: so funny how that guy just is like, yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna say how it is, even if it hurts
Speaker 1: your feelings, even if it makes you cry. I'm just
Speaker 1: I'm so direct in what I'm saying. Uh. And I've
Speaker 1: always appreciated it for him. Uh, even though at moments
Speaker 1: I'm like, bro, just like tell me that things are fine.
Speaker 1: Just lie to me, Please lie to me, for the
Speaker 1: love of God. Well, as we know, he wasn't always
Speaker 1: He's not always right, because he did tell actually like
Speaker 1: it's never gonna happen. Yeah, that was one of the
Speaker 1: biggest straightforward moments. Yeah. Yes, Uh. And then on the
Speaker 1: red flags, on the other hand, she said, when there's
Speaker 1: too much communication between the person she's dating and their X.
Speaker 1: I mean that's a huge red flag. Um. Have you
Speaker 1: ever been in a situation where you're person you're with
Speaker 1: I mean, granted you're in Bachelor, so that's bachelor excluded.
Speaker 1: Have you ever been in a situation where you've been
Speaker 1: with someone where they're kind of bringing up their X
Speaker 1: or they're still friends with their X, but it's like
Speaker 1: this weird friendship. I haven't, but I would not. I
Speaker 1: would not do well with that. It wouldn't be comfortable
Speaker 1: for me. Yeah. Especially, you know, there's so many times
Speaker 1: where people in this they'll they'll call all their email
Speaker 1: us and they'll say, oh, you could be friends with
Speaker 1: an X, And I'm like, it's so rare. I'm not
Speaker 1: saying you can, but like I know, for a fact,
Speaker 1: I was friends with Ashley. We weren't technically excess and
Speaker 1: we were truly just friends, but it was such a toxic.
Speaker 1: It was a toxic friendship because it was running any
Speaker 1: chance we had with other relationships. And then obviously we
Speaker 1: were both doing that intentionally. Uh maybe a little subconsciously,
Speaker 1: but most of the time probably on the forefront, because
Speaker 1: we knew we wanted to be with each other and
Speaker 1: I was just an idiot refusing to admit it. Things
Speaker 1: that I've talked about this podcast before, refusing to admit
Speaker 1: what I really wanted and um and so, but like
Speaker 1: that was not I would not want to be with
Speaker 1: a person that had the friendship that I had with Ashley.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't know. I wouldn't be I just like would
Speaker 1: I even if I tried to act like I was cool,
Speaker 1: I would get so resentful and like upset about it
Speaker 1: that I wouldn't be able to like actually have a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship with my partner because I would always be
Speaker 1: thinking about why are you so close with them when
Speaker 1: you have me? Like why why are you even dabbling
Speaker 1: in that? Yeah? Is there a void in our relationship
Speaker 1: that they're supplying your Yeah? Because whether you know, whether
Speaker 1: I don't know, I know, I'll probably get d NS
Speaker 1: be like, oh, this is ridiculous support. I've been friends
Speaker 1: with my ex for years, and I'm like, Okay, great,
Speaker 1: you're I I wish you nothing but the best. I
Speaker 1: truly do. But I just think, you know, you've had
Speaker 1: a relationship with this person, You've been intimate with this person,
Speaker 1: most likely even if it's just kissing or like hugging
Speaker 1: or cuddling, like it's very very intimate moments that it's
Speaker 1: just like when you're with an X, whether you're like,
Speaker 1: it's just like so easy to fall back into that
Speaker 1: that I would. It's not that I don't trust you,
Speaker 1: but like we're all human beings. We all make mistakes.
Speaker 1: So if you put yourself in a scenario where it
Speaker 1: just takes one moment of a lapse for you to
Speaker 1: screw things up, like I'm sorry, that will be in
Speaker 1: the back of my head. I'm I'm like friendly with
Speaker 1: Robert because our relationship ended on really good terms and
Speaker 1: I but I would I could never go and just
Speaker 1: like hang out with Robert, you know, like I just
Speaker 1: know the boundary of of respect for Haley, and you
Speaker 1: know she knows the same for me, and I think
Speaker 1: that we're friendly, like if we see each other, you know,
Speaker 1: if he has a company that he's like invited me
Speaker 1: to things, and it's like if I, well tell Haley
Speaker 1: and make sure she's okay with it, Like I just
Speaker 1: don't cross those boundaries. So I think you can be
Speaker 1: friends or friendly with an next, but like having like
Speaker 1: a close intimate friendship with an X is just I agree,
Speaker 1: you're like setting yourself up for something bad to happen. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I also agree that not every X is made
Speaker 1: the same. Um. So we'll finish up this this article
Speaker 1: very quickly, and then we do have to wrap things up. Um.
Speaker 1: So of course she goes on, if you're too close
Speaker 1: to the next that's a red flag. Um. She said,
Speaker 1: I don't want you all to have beef with one
Speaker 1: another in terms of like you and your ex. That
Speaker 1: obviously makes it get messy, but too much communication just
Speaker 1: makes her feel uncomfortable. So those are Lorie Harvey's green
Speaker 1: flags and red flags. Uh. Very sad that her and
Speaker 1: Michael B. Jordan did not make it. Uh who knows,
Speaker 1: though you know, you know you found you found out
Speaker 1: they were together and broken up at the same time.
Speaker 1: So yeah, so like legitimately they could get back together
Speaker 1: tomorrow and uh, it would probably be the same for me. Um. Well, Becca,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us on this episode
Speaker 1: of help by Second Dating. I really appreciate it. You
Speaker 1: are wonderful. Everybody who's listening to help us second Dating.
Speaker 1: You probably already listened to scrubbing in. But if you don't, um,
Speaker 1: which you probably do because they get way more listeners
Speaker 1: than us. Listen to scrubbing In on the I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio podcast or wherever you get your your podcast. Of
Speaker 1: course it's her antonya uh. And then make sure Becca,
Speaker 1: I think you're sticking around for Thursday's podcasts, which would
Speaker 1: be the phone calls. Um. Yeah, so we have a
Speaker 1: couple of callers coming in. We usually do emails, but
Speaker 1: we've switched over to callers. It's nice having that interaction,
Speaker 1: So thank you for sticking around to that, and make
Speaker 1: sure everybody tune in on Thursday. Well hopefully we just
Speaker 1: suck a little less. Follow help by suck at dating
Speaker 1: on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to part
Speaker 1: that's hold sl