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Speaker 1: This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast

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Speaker 1: the most dramatic podcast ever. Is so good today because

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Speaker 1: it's all about you, taking your questions, hearing your.

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Speaker 2: Comments whatever they are. It gets weird, juicy and weird.

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Speaker 1: It's a must listen and we're jumping right into the

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Speaker 1: deep end.

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Speaker 2: This one is. This person gave us a lot of

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Speaker 2: context and so I'm going to read it. It's a

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Speaker 2: long question, but ooh, it's a good one. It is.

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Speaker 2: It was sent in anonymously, and here's the question, Lauren

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Speaker 2: and Chris. I am having doubts about my relationship. My

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Speaker 2: boyfriend and I have been together for years and live together.

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Speaker 2: Our lives are so integrated, family, friends, home routines, and

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Speaker 2: the thought of starting over is scary, being that I'm

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Speaker 2: in my late twenties. I have a gut feeling though

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Speaker 2: that keeps resurfacing, and I am terrified of making the

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Speaker 2: wrong choice. I am not sure I'm in love anymore.

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Speaker 2: Any advice, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: We have a lot. First of all, it is interesting,

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Speaker 1: and it's important to note they've been together for several

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Speaker 1: years because if you're just starting out and is one thing,

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Speaker 1: but if you are really integrated and entwined in each

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Speaker 1: other's lives and family, which they are. That takes things

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Speaker 1: to a different level. First and foremost, I would just say,

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Speaker 1: because this brought up another situation that we have a

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Speaker 1: friend in and we would give the same advice, don't

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Speaker 1: be afraid to change. And I'm not saying this person

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Speaker 1: should get out of this relationship. For sure, I still

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Speaker 1: don't know enough, but I would just say, don't be

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Speaker 1: afraid to change.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the big thing that sticks out in that

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Speaker 2: question right away for both of us. We thought, quote,

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Speaker 2: the thought of starting over is scary, being that I'm

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Speaker 2: in my late twenties. Oh my gosh. As two elders

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Speaker 2: were sitting here and saying you.

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Speaker 1: Got a lot, well, I would say, no matter how

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Speaker 1: old you are, I mean, you are definitely very very young,

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Speaker 1: and I know you only know what you know. You

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Speaker 1: can't possibly know what's to come and how experienced you'll be,

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Speaker 1: and you'll look back in your thirties, You'll look back

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Speaker 1: in your forties and in your fifties and be like,

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Speaker 1: I can't believe I was worried about changing in my twenties.

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Speaker 1: But again, but I can't. I'm not saying this to

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Speaker 1: be disrespectful to you.

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Speaker 2: I get it.

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Speaker 1: You don't know any different, and so you feel like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm a little bit old and experienced in my late twenties.

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Speaker 1: Don't be so afraid to change that you don't give

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Speaker 1: yourself a chance to be happy, because you're going to

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Speaker 1: look back just a few years from now. If you

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Speaker 1: did make the cut and you moved on, you were

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Speaker 1: going to look back in just a few short years

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Speaker 1: and think, Wow, what if I hadn't changed. Thank goodness,

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Speaker 1: Thank goodness, I pulled the plug. It happened so fast.

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Speaker 1: You will be so grateful for that that that's what

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Speaker 1: worries me about this relationship.

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Speaker 2: When you're having that feeling over and over again. It's

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Speaker 2: hard to listen to our gut these days. There's a

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Speaker 2: lot of noise in the world. But you know, to

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Speaker 2: be honest, I first of all, I applaud you on

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Speaker 2: recognizing that, because I look back at my own marriage,

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Speaker 2: and when I look back, there were those little feelings.

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Speaker 2: I didn't see them then, I didn't feel them. But

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Speaker 2: when I look back, I can actually think of specific

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Speaker 2: moments that I knew it maybe wasn't going to work out,

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Speaker 2: but I didn't listen to my gut enough and look,

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Speaker 2: I got divorce, started over at thirty, and oh my gosh,

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Speaker 2: like it's I really believe I have no regrets. I

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Speaker 2: believe that if you're happy with where you are, you

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Speaker 2: can't regret where you've been. And everything led me to

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Speaker 2: where I am. But I'm so happy in my relationship now,

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Speaker 2: and I do look back and think what if I'd

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Speaker 2: stayed in that marriage. And that's a great point, babe,

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Speaker 2: about never being afraid. You know, I do think change

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Speaker 2: can get harder as we get older, and you should

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Speaker 2: never be afraid to change. But I will tell you

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Speaker 2: it's a lot easier actually to start over in your

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Speaker 2: late twenties than it is later.

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Speaker 1: And I got divorced and started over when I was forty. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I don't regret that at all, and nor does

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Speaker 1: my ex. By the way, it was an important thing

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Speaker 1: for both of us to do to be happy. And

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Speaker 1: so the thought of staying in this relationship that this

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Speaker 1: person's referring to, Because if you think you're unhappy now,

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Speaker 1: if you think you're miserable now, if you're in a

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Speaker 1: toxic relationship now, think what it's going to be in

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Speaker 1: five years. And now you're not in your late twenties,

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Speaker 1: now in your mid thirties, and you've been in a

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Speaker 1: toxic relationship. And if you think your lives are intertwined,

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Speaker 1: now add five more years, oh gosh, add kids to

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Speaker 1: kids to the situation. Things only get more and more

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Speaker 1: complicated if you kick the can down the road. Really,

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Speaker 1: in anything in life, I'm a big believe of face

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Speaker 1: the music now, whether it's raising kids, whether it's dealing

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Speaker 1: with problems, those issues only get bigger if you kick

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Speaker 1: it down the road. Figure out what's going on now

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Speaker 1: and make that decision. And again I don't know enough

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Speaker 1: about this particular one, but just we're speaking in generalities

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Speaker 1: that I would be more fearful.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to say it. My advice is ended. My

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Speaker 2: advice is break it off. That's it. I feel like

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to be gentle with what I'm saying, because,

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Speaker 2: like you said, look, look, don't take my advice like

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Speaker 2: I'm your therapist or something. But just from what I'm

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Speaker 2: reading here, I would say, get out of it.

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Speaker 1: It feels like it's over. It feels like this person

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Speaker 1: already has one and a half feet out the door,

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Speaker 1: but they need to pull the plug.

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Speaker 2: And you're saying, you're in your late twenties. Our twenties

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Speaker 2: are a time of a lot of change. Maybe you

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Speaker 2: got in this relationship in your early twenties, and by

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Speaker 2: your late twenties you're a pretty different person. I was

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Speaker 2: so different at twenty eight than I was at twenty three.

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Speaker 2: Maybe this relationship was great then, and you're a different

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Speaker 2: person now. And so while while you're afraid of change,

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Speaker 2: the truth is the change has already happened. You've already changed,

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Speaker 2: and so you have to embrace that. And I'd also

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Speaker 2: think in life, we have relationships for reasons and for seasons,

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Speaker 2: and you know nobody. I don't know everybody's going to

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Speaker 2: look back and and life comes in waves, right, So

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Speaker 2: you might be on the other side of this wave,

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Speaker 2: and I think it's time to end.

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Speaker 1: Did I do a great don't worry about the family,

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Speaker 1: the friends, the home, the daily routines. That stuff can

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Speaker 1: and will change.

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Speaker 2: And I don't know anyone, Okay, well, I can think

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Speaker 2: of one person. I know one person who regrets not

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Speaker 2: ending their relationship but screwing it up. I know one

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Speaker 2: person who cheated on someone and wishes they'd stayed in

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Speaker 2: that marriage. But other than that, one person like and

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Speaker 2: that's they wish they had made that mistake.

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Speaker 1: Y's true. How many how many divorced people do you

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Speaker 1: know say wow, I really shouldn't have pulled the plug.

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Speaker 1: We really should have stayed in that relationship five more years.

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Speaker 2: I don't know anyone who who wishes they hadn't ended

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Speaker 2: a relationship. I don't know anyone who looks back and

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Speaker 2: says I should have stayed in that. So I think

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Speaker 2: if you've got that feeling, that's all you need to know.

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Speaker 1: Don't be afraid to change. Any advice this is from Jennifer.

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Speaker 1: Any advice for navigating dating with young kids something that

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Speaker 1: we kind of did.

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Speaker 2: Yes, thank you, Jennifer. What a good question. And gosh,

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Speaker 2: that's I mean, we're talking about divorce. That's something people

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Speaker 2: deal with all the time. Well you more so did it.

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Speaker 2: I came into your life when the kids were fifteen

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Speaker 2: and seventeen. I think I think as Taylor just gotten

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Speaker 2: her permit, I like, yeah, I remember being with trying

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Speaker 2: to teach her how to park on a curb.

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Speaker 1: Maybe she was fortunate she didn't realize you don't park

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Speaker 1: on the curb. That was that was the big note.

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Speaker 2: But so I'm going to go to you for that

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Speaker 2: because you were the one who had you actually did date.

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Speaker 1: With the I did both. I dated with my kids

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Speaker 1: and I dated moms who had kids, some young, older, whatever.

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Speaker 1: I kind of ran the gamut, so you know, the

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Speaker 1: navigational part of it when you have kids, when they

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Speaker 1: are yours. This was totally my preference early on, especially

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Speaker 1: I made post divorce my life about them and making

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Speaker 1: sure my relationship with myself and my kids was safe, secure, solid,

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Speaker 1: rebuilding that foundation from the ground up, making sure everybody's good.

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Speaker 1: Then when I started venturing out dating, yeah, I definitely

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Speaker 1: did it anonymously away from my kids so they wouldn't know.

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Speaker 1: But it did get to the point where as my

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Speaker 1: kids got older and I was on a date, I

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Speaker 1: was on a first date and I asked this woman

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Speaker 1: who had kids as well, her opinion. She says, you

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Speaker 1: know what I did? I asked my kids. I said,

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Speaker 1: when do you guys want to know? Do you want

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Speaker 1: to know? And I thought, I mean, as crazy as

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Speaker 1: it is, as parents, we often don't stop and just

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Speaker 1: ask the kids their opinion. You think, as the dad,

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Speaker 1: single day, I need to know this. I need to

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Speaker 1: make the decision for them to protect them. So I

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Speaker 1: actually took my kids on a walk the next day

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Speaker 1: and I said, hey, guys, you know I'm I do date,

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Speaker 1: and like, of course we.

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Speaker 2: Know, dad. They were more than any things they did.

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Speaker 1: Of course they do. And at this point, you know,

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Speaker 1: it's probably maybe the end of elementary school, maybe the

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Speaker 1: beginning of middle school. And I said, well, so when

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Speaker 1: or if would you ever want to meet anybody I'm dating?

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Speaker 1: And they actually had a great explanation. They said a

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Speaker 1: great answer, said, we do want to meet the person

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Speaker 1: you're dating, not too early. We don't want to meet

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Speaker 1: all of them, but we also don't want the situation

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Speaker 1: where you walk in the door and you say, hey, guys,

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Speaker 1: this is Lauren Zema. I love her, We're getting married,

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Speaker 1: and they have no say. They feel like they have

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Speaker 1: no say in this. They feel like only the only

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Speaker 1: thing they can do is accept this. This has been

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Speaker 1: forced down their throat now. And that was really interesting

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Speaker 1: to me. So it wasn't don't go fall in love

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Speaker 1: and then bring her home. It was if this person

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Speaker 1: serious enough that you care to see her three, four, five,

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Speaker 1: ten times? Okay, you know it's okay for us to

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Speaker 1: meet her, say hello, get started, start that relationship, so

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Speaker 1: you're not just bringing her in. And that first time

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Speaker 1: you're starting their relationship is when yours has already gotten

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Speaker 1: to that very serious stage. And that was great advice.

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Speaker 2: Did you adjust?

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Speaker 1: And that is I only had one date with that woman,

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Speaker 1: by the way, but still say very sage advice.

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Speaker 2: By the way, everything for a reason. You went on

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Speaker 2: a date with her, for a reason you.

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Speaker 1: Got that very interesting date. By the way. Two things

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Speaker 1: were very interesting. She was she had been married, she

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Speaker 1: was divorced, had kids, had been married to a very

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Speaker 1: very famous athlete, world famous, one of the most famous

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Speaker 1: athletes in the world.

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Speaker 2: So hey, I don't really know my athletes, but now

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Speaker 2: I'm going to be the other one to ask you

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Speaker 2: who this is after week.

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Speaker 1: The other interesting thing that happened, this is horrifying, but

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Speaker 1: a very funny anecdote. We're up in Santa Barbara. This

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Speaker 1: this woman lived up in Santa Barbara, and so we

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Speaker 1: up there. It's easier and it was easier for me

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Speaker 1: to be incognito and anonymous getting out of La So

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Speaker 1: it was only like a forty five minute drive up there.

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Speaker 1: I go up to Santa Barbara and we're having dinner,

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Speaker 1: and again I was with ABC at the time. There

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Speaker 1: was another big show on ABC at the time. So

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Speaker 1: I look across the room and there's Rob Low. Rob

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Speaker 1: Low lives in Santa Barbara. I had gotten to know him.

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Speaker 1: We're not buddies, but I got to know him enough

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Speaker 1: that you know, we'd give each other up the hand,

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Speaker 1: the hand bro hug thing. So worst thing in the

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Speaker 1: world happens on a first date. Rob Low gets up

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Speaker 1: after we just give each other the head nod. Hey man,

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Speaker 1: hey man, he gets up and walks across the room

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Speaker 1: to be nice, and walks up to my table. On

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Speaker 1: a first date, Rob Low puts his face next to mine.

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Speaker 1: Rob Low. If I was going to date a man,

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Speaker 1: one hundred percent would be Rob Low. You have always

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Speaker 1: stunningly gorgeous in person, it's even more electric and petrifying.

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Speaker 1: It's like this gravitational poll. I'm just staring into his

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Speaker 1: deep blue eyes, and I'm thinking, what is this woman

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Speaker 1: across the table thinking right now she's looking at me

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Speaker 1: and looking at Rob Low.

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Speaker 2: This is so funny because I remember I did a

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Speaker 2: sit down interview with Rob Low once and I told

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Speaker 2: you that morning, Like I'd interviewed different people every day,

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Speaker 2: so I didn't always It's not like you always knew

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Speaker 2: who I was interviewing. In that morning, I said, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to do this sit down with Rob Low,

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Speaker 2: and I remember thinking your reaction was kind of funny.

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Speaker 2: You were like, oh really, hello, damn you Rob Low?

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Speaker 2: He did it again?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that was that was there was. I will always

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Speaker 1: remember how it was like it was in slow motion.

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Speaker 1: It was like, how do I give the signal of

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Speaker 1: don't come over here and say hello?

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Speaker 2: You know what I'm not. This is no shade to

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Speaker 2: Rob Low, because, by the way, when I interviewed him,

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Speaker 2: so kind, don't funny, so witty. He's not my type. Wow,

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Speaker 2: he's a little like, uh, cheek boned and pretty For me,

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Speaker 2: I like a little more grizzly.

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Speaker 1: Are you okay? Are you a Patrick Dempsey? No?

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Speaker 2: Also too pretty? Okay? I'm a Harrison Ford. Oh okay,

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Speaker 2: I'm an Indiana Jones.

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Speaker 1: Old grizzled veteran.

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Speaker 2: That's why I like when you have stubble. One of

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Speaker 2: these days, it's one of my I want us to be.

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna make you be harrisy Indiana Jones for Halloween.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so now I know, now I know who to

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Speaker 1: worry about.

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Speaker 2: Well. I have interviewed Harrison Ford as well, Yes, and

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Speaker 2: he was just as grizzled as I wanted.

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Speaker 1: Richard here and Brad Pitt.

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Speaker 2: I mean, everybody thinks Brad Pitt's hot, but I've never

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Speaker 2: been into I've never been into blondes either, and I

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Speaker 2: would consider him a.

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Speaker 1: Blade where this is the this is my question on

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Speaker 1: Brad Pitt. Where is your favorite Brad Pitt? Is it

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Speaker 1: young Thelman, Louise Brad Pitt? Is it river runs through it?

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Speaker 1: Is it the older you know, mister and missus Smith?

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Speaker 1: And you know now that he's aged at every age.

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Speaker 1: I don't get all the Oceans movie. I can't choose

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Speaker 1: ridiculously handsome.

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Speaker 2: I got to go back to the kids thing real quick,

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Speaker 2: because I did want to ask you one question which

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Speaker 2: I think might be helpful for people. Because you were divorced,

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Speaker 2: you know, single for about ten years. How did you

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Speaker 2: change dating with with whether the kids would meet someone

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Speaker 2: like based on their ages? Because that person who asked

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Speaker 2: the question did say young kids versus you know, teenagers.

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Speaker 2: What change did you make it? Fact?

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Speaker 1: Well, the difficult thing that people don't often discuss is

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Speaker 1: with kids, there is an X out there. If you're lucky,

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Speaker 1: maybe the X isn't a part of the life anymore,

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Speaker 1: the dad or whatever, or at least if you're very lucky,

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Speaker 1: it's healthy. But oftentimes if there has been divorced, sometimes

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Speaker 1: it's ugly. And that's a difficult thing because you know,

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Speaker 1: there is resentfulness one way or the other, and the

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Speaker 1: kids might be upset that moms moving on, and so

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Speaker 1: there are a lot of layers and that is difficult

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Speaker 1: and it's something case by case you have to navigate

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Speaker 1: that because I did enter into some situations where it

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Speaker 1: had been a really toxic situation. The dad in all

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Speaker 1: of this was not a good person. The mom was

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Speaker 1: trying to start their life, but it was really difficult

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Speaker 1: and she's you know, so there are some really tough

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Speaker 1: cases when when kids are involved, that means someone else,

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Speaker 1: That means there is a third party involved in this too,

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Speaker 1: and that that to me, is more difficult than dealing

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Speaker 1: with the kids. It's dealing with the exes.

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Speaker 2: Oh well, you just that did not answer my question,

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Speaker 2: but it opens up a whole new thing. So number

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Speaker 2: one tip on dealing with the exes.

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Speaker 1: Tread lightly, you know, try to keep your famous line,

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Speaker 1: try to keep your side of the street clean, you know.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's important, you know, however you do it,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to say it, but not feeling like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be your new dad.

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Speaker 2: Actually, this is a question we had. Paige said, any

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Speaker 2: step parent tips from l Z and exactly what you're saying.

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Speaker 2: I mean, you and I have talked about this. I

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Speaker 2: don't I don't think you can. Gosh. I struggle with

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Speaker 2: the words stepmom, stepdad, stepparent because on the one hand,

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Speaker 2: they have such a negative connotation with them from Damn

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Speaker 2: Disney movies where every step mom is the villain and

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Speaker 2: in some cases trying to kill the kid. I mean,

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Speaker 2: And then you know, you have to you have because

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Speaker 2: it just becomes an awkward conversation. People like people ask me,

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Speaker 2: do you have kids, and I'm like, well, we have kids,

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Speaker 2: are like, well, we have Chris's kids. But then on

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Speaker 2: the other hand, I love your kids. I love them,

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Speaker 2: I would die for them. I love them, and I

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Speaker 2: would never want you to be with somebody who didn't

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Speaker 2: love your kids, or anybody too. But then at the

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Speaker 2: same time, like I always approached it, and I do

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Speaker 2: think this was beneficial for us and for everybody. I

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Speaker 2: am not their mom. I don't want to be their mom.

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Speaker 2: I actually the kids will say this is my stepmom.

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Speaker 2: I think just because it's an easy way to introduce me.

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Speaker 2: But I I've just always wanted to be somebody in

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Speaker 2: their life who loves them, is a mentor to them,

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Speaker 2: will give them advice, will support them. But you know,

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Speaker 2: I've never tried to be that. I've never especially in

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Speaker 2: the beginning, and there's such good kids that I've never

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Speaker 2: like had to discipline them. But in the beginning, I

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Speaker 2: never was if there was ever anything, I was always like,

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Speaker 2: that's on you. You're the dad. You handle that, you

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Speaker 2: you know, address that situation. And so I didn't try

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Speaker 2: to be their parent, and I think that helped in

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Speaker 2: the beginning for sure.

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Speaker 1: Don't worry about the label. Worry about who you want

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Speaker 1: to be in their life and againship. I know it

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Speaker 1: can be difficult if a kid is you know, again

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Speaker 1: you get to the disciplinary stuff. It's like I've I've

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Speaker 1: seen this and I've dealt with this, where if a

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Speaker 1: kid is unbelievably disrespectful to you. If one of my

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Speaker 1: kids was very disrespectful to you, well that says a

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Speaker 1: lot about me. How am I going to stand up

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Speaker 1: for you?

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Speaker 2: I think that's on you to handle it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and so if I don't, that's a big red

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Speaker 1: flag for you of like, Okay, he's never going to

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Speaker 1: choose me. And so it's that's a very delicate dance.

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Speaker 1: You have to make the kids, the exes, that whole scenario.

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Speaker 1: It's like, there's so many factors that got.

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Speaker 2: But you know what, I think you got to come

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Speaker 2: in with respect. That was the other big thing for

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Speaker 2: me too. I came in with and I do have

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Speaker 2: the utmost respect for I think parenting is the hardest

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Speaker 2: job in the world. So I wanted to come in

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Speaker 2: with respect for your ex wife, the kids, mom. I

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Speaker 2: wanted to come in with respect for the fact that,

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Speaker 2: you know, there was a history here before I was

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Speaker 2: part of it, and there was a lot of love there.

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Speaker 2: And I wanted to build a relationship and blend our families,

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Speaker 2: but slowly, I mean, I would you know. I wanted

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Speaker 2: your ex to know that I appreciated her and admired her.

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Speaker 2: I wanted to text her on Mother's Day and say

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Speaker 2: thank you for thanking an include her in things, and

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Speaker 2: for us all to try to do this stuff together

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Speaker 2: because the kids benefit more from that. You know, they

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Speaker 2: already have had this situation where they've had to live

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Speaker 2: in two homes. So I wanted to bring us all

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Speaker 2: together as much as possible because they're the ones that

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Speaker 2: benefit the most.

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Speaker 1: And I wish everybody, I mean, LZ could teach a

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Speaker 1: masterclass because how she handled everything, how she navigated those waters,

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Speaker 1: which was very difficult. I don't care how good the

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Speaker 1: situation is, it's difficult. You did a beautiful job of that.

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Speaker 1: It made me love you even more the way you

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Speaker 1: appreciated my kids, the way you treated them and integrated

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Speaker 1: into our lives together, because you know it is tough. Again,

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Speaker 1: going back to the original question, would I have stayed

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Speaker 1: with somebody who my kids didn't like or someone didn't

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Speaker 1: get along with my kids.

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Speaker 2: I don't think you can.

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Speaker 1: I don't think I can. No, And just knowing me,

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Speaker 1: I don't think I would have chosen someone over essentially

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Speaker 1: over my kids.

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Speaker 2: And if you do, that's a red flag on using it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So I just I know those are situations and

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Speaker 1: I know there's other extremes of they're being poisoned by

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Speaker 1: the X, and so I get it. There's there's a

399
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Speaker 1: lot of toxicity to some of these situations. But in

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Speaker 1: my own situation, if my kids would come to me

401
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Speaker 1: as a dad, we just don't see it. I mean,

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Speaker 1: we're not we don't love this person. I don't think

403
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Speaker 1: I could have ended up with that person. I think

404
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Speaker 1: they I would have had to have moved on.

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Speaker 2: Well, I would say those would be my three tips

406
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Speaker 2: on step parenting is tread lightly and slowly, get to

407
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Speaker 2: know the kids before you try to parent them, and

408
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Speaker 2: respect all the adults involved.

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Speaker 1: Let them and let them at least feel like maybe

410
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Speaker 1: they're taking the lead a little bit in that relationship

411
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Speaker 1: of bringing you in and getting to know them.

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Speaker 2: Well, let's hard pivot. I want to go from we've

413
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Speaker 2: been talking marriage kids. I want to go right into

414
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Speaker 2: some juicy drama in the beginning of a relationship. Jamie

415
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Speaker 2: is asking how do you break the pattern of getting

416
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Speaker 2: ghosted and how do you get a guy to commit

417
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Speaker 2: to you? Jamie, I'm gonna be team Jamie right now. Jamie.

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Speaker 2: I don't know you, but I'm team Jamie. I don't

419
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Speaker 2: want you to have to think about how to get

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Speaker 2: a guy to commit to you. If he is not

421
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Speaker 2: committing to you, then Jamie, you don't commit to him,

422
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Speaker 2: you walk away. You should not have to be worrying

423
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Speaker 2: about contemplating how to get somebody to commit to you.

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Speaker 2: If they're not doing it, he's not the person for you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Jamie, there's no magic dust you sprinkle on somebody

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Speaker 1: to make them commit.

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Speaker 2: Because here's the thing, Jamie, it's not the problem isn't

428
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 2: you here, The problem is them. If you're ready to commit,

429
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Speaker 2: if you're someone who wants to commit and they don't,

430
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Speaker 2: well that's their own stuff they got to work out.

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Speaker 2: And you're not gonna be able to fix that.

432
00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:54,520
Speaker 1: And I get it. You're like, God, I've been on

433
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:57,639
Speaker 1: a million dates. I'm so tired of trying to, you know,

434
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,800
Speaker 1: going through all these guys who are just swiping right

435
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,040
Speaker 1: and swiping right and they have a million options and

436
00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:05,320
Speaker 1: YadA YadA, and so I'm just tired of it. How

437
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,480
Speaker 1: do I get this guy to commit and not ghost

438
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:11,920
Speaker 1: to me? It's as Lauren just said.

439
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,639
Speaker 2: It's it's on you. Well, now I will say to

440
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:18,320
Speaker 2: make that well judgment, but I will say when she says,

441
00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:20,040
Speaker 2: the first part of the question, how do you break

442
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,280
Speaker 2: the pattern of getting ghosted? I do think the apps

443
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:26,200
Speaker 2: are a problem. I think apps. We were just talking

444
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,040
Speaker 2: to somebody, a guy who was an app designer, and

445
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,720
Speaker 2: he was saying he had actually spoken to the people

446
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,400
Speaker 2: who created Tinder, and he said to them, your app

447
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:38,280
Speaker 2: had a fundamental ethical design flow in the beginning, which

448
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:42,560
Speaker 2: is you made people worthless, you made them swipeable. You said,

449
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,919
Speaker 2: this person is only worth a swipe. And that's an unethical,

450
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,560
Speaker 2: unconscious design of the app.

451
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,720
Speaker 1: So so many of these apps do that. You are

452
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:54,520
Speaker 1: discarding a human being, You're discarding a life by making

453
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,000
Speaker 1: them a swipe in three seconds.

454
00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,440
Speaker 2: But Jamie, I would say to that, what I've I've

455
00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:01,040
Speaker 2: said to so many of my friends is you got

456
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,679
Speaker 2: to get off the app with a person and if

457
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:05,080
Speaker 2: they're not willing to take your communication from the app

458
00:23:05,119 --> 00:23:08,240
Speaker 2: to something else, that's such a red flag for me. Like, Okay,

459
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,040
Speaker 2: maybe you meet on an app, but you need to

460
00:23:10,119 --> 00:23:14,480
Speaker 2: quickly graduate to phone calls, graduate to let's meet for

461
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:15,280
Speaker 2: coffee and drinks.

462
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,640
Speaker 1: You know the game, right, So you know the routine

463
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,440
Speaker 1: because you've played the game, and you've been played by

464
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:24,360
Speaker 1: that game. So, okay, you know that the typical layout

465
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,159
Speaker 1: is get on the app, hook up on the app,

466
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:31,080
Speaker 1: go hook up somewhere. Stay like Lauren saying, you got

467
00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:33,320
Speaker 1: to change the game. You have to shake up the

468
00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:37,840
Speaker 1: snow globe a little bit and make it different with

469
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,800
Speaker 1: this person. And if, by the way, if they don't

470
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,320
Speaker 1: want to change the game, that means they just want

471
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:44,000
Speaker 1: to stay in that pattern. They want to just keep

472
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:47,399
Speaker 1: hooking up and keep it very safe. So if you

473
00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:52,199
Speaker 1: ask to change and they're willing to, there you go.

474
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,840
Speaker 1: That's one step. Already you've gotten them off the app.

475
00:23:54,920 --> 00:24:00,200
Speaker 1: We're talking Okay, let's actually meet in person and take

476
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,360
Speaker 1: it to that level. And now it becomes much more

477
00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:05,680
Speaker 1: personal and they can't just discard you by you've never

478
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,240
Speaker 1: taken it off, tender the direct messages or whatever.

479
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:09,400
Speaker 2: It really is good.

480
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:12,040
Speaker 1: You got to change the game if you expect that

481
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,000
Speaker 1: game to be changed.

482
00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:15,320
Speaker 2: My last piece of advice on that, though, is I

483
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:19,679
Speaker 2: do generally advise I think in the beginning, you gotta

484
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:22,000
Speaker 2: play hard to get a little bit, and by that

485
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,760
Speaker 2: I mean like see if they will come to you.

486
00:24:24,119 --> 00:24:26,199
Speaker 2: Because the apps are out there giving so many options

487
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:29,080
Speaker 2: and all that make sure that they will prove that

488
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,119
Speaker 2: they will come to you, that they will commit to you,

489
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,879
Speaker 2: even on the level of more of a date. I

490
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,679
Speaker 2: don't mind making the first move, guys. The onus is

491
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,440
Speaker 2: put on guys a lot to make the first move,

492
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,399
Speaker 2: and they're intimidated and they're scared too. But what I

493
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:44,520
Speaker 2: always say is I open the door and he's got

494
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:46,840
Speaker 2: to walk through, meaning like I don't mind saying hey, like,

495
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,600
Speaker 2: here's my number, but if he doesn't call, if he

496
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:51,760
Speaker 2: doesn't set up the date, if he doesn't show that effort.

497
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:54,399
Speaker 1: Yeah, even goes so far as to say, hey, I

498
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:56,480
Speaker 1: think we should go out right And if they don't

499
00:24:56,520 --> 00:25:00,000
Speaker 1: pick that up, then that again, you can't. You can't

500
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:02,240
Speaker 1: make that horse drink.

501
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:05,240
Speaker 2: They should be committing to you, Jamie. You're worth it, Jamie.

502
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,720
Speaker 1: An issue that you and I have been seeing a

503
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:13,240
Speaker 1: lot in a few of our friends. This is from Matt.

504
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,399
Speaker 1: What do you do when one of you wants to

505
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:19,359
Speaker 1: move states but the other doesn't oo, And this is

506
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,880
Speaker 1: something you and I have talked a lot about moving

507
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:25,520
Speaker 1: jobs all that. So when you get married, when you

508
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,080
Speaker 1: start dating, you're in your twenties, you're in your thirties.

509
00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:31,320
Speaker 1: Whatever could be later in life. Yeah, but this typically

510
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,760
Speaker 1: I would think happens at a younger level because of

511
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:38,359
Speaker 1: the pivotal nature of life early on you're kind of

512
00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:40,720
Speaker 1: getting into that career. But you're right, it could happen

513
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:46,200
Speaker 1: at any time, and it is something I would take

514
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,920
Speaker 1: this a step further. It's not just moving. Are we

515
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:54,680
Speaker 1: having kids? Big huge life changing decisions that you don't

516
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:58,679
Speaker 1: see eye to eye on. What do you do well?

517
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,119
Speaker 2: I think the most important thing to do is that

518
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:05,680
Speaker 2: you have to have talked about those major how do

519
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:09,879
Speaker 2: I want to live my life things before you're married

520
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,240
Speaker 2: to someone. Where do you see you? And I talked

521
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:14,480
Speaker 2: on our first date. We talked about how you had

522
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,639
Speaker 2: seen yourself wanting to move to Texas one day, and

523
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:20,359
Speaker 2: I remember thinking, well, you know, if you'd said Nebraska,

524
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,240
Speaker 2: I don't know if I'm in no offense to Nebraska,

525
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:25,280
Speaker 2: But like I love, I'm from the Midwest. I love Dallas.

526
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:26,960
Speaker 2: I had a lot of friends in Dallas actually, and

527
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,639
Speaker 2: you know, we ended up falling in love with Austin,

528
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,879
Speaker 2: but we had that discussion on our first date that

529
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:34,000
Speaker 2: we both saw ourselves maybe leaving LA one day. I

530
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:35,879
Speaker 2: think from the beginning you got to iron out. We

531
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,320
Speaker 2: had this discussion on our first date, do you want

532
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:42,719
Speaker 2: to have kids? We had the discussion of you know,

533
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,640
Speaker 2: how long do you see yourself continuing to work? When

534
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 2: you know, when do you like to travel? Those big things.

535
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,960
Speaker 2: You have got to talk about that in the beginning.

536
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,800
Speaker 2: It's how, it's the how you want to live your

537
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:58,919
Speaker 2: life questions. Now that doesn't say like you could be

538
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,080
Speaker 2: in a relationship and how somebody gets a really cool

539
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:02,800
Speaker 2: job offer and they're like, hey, I want to move

540
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:05,600
Speaker 2: for this job, but you're thinking, whoa, we didn't see

541
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:09,720
Speaker 2: ourselves moving to Nebraska for the super cool job in Nebraska.

542
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,480
Speaker 2: So what would you advise people? Then?

543
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:13,960
Speaker 1: Well, and I agree, you've got to have those conversations

544
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:15,840
Speaker 1: up front. When you and I started dating, I made

545
00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:19,720
Speaker 1: it very clear, Hey, I have two kids. They are

546
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,879
Speaker 1: my life, especially right now they're at a very pivotal

547
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,520
Speaker 1: age and an important age that they need their dad.

548
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,240
Speaker 1: I'm going to be there for them there number one

549
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:33,000
Speaker 1: and I want to date, but just know this is

550
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,360
Speaker 1: so important. So there's going to be games and dances

551
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,399
Speaker 1: and things like that that I will just have to

552
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,080
Speaker 1: be a part of and want to be a part of.

553
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:45,119
Speaker 1: And I want to bring you into that eventually, and

554
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:47,480
Speaker 1: so just letting somebody know the score, letting them know

555
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:50,840
Speaker 1: exactly where you are. We talked about not having kids,

556
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,959
Speaker 1: We talked about, like you said early on, I see myself,

557
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:58,000
Speaker 1: my kids are going to graduate pretty soon. They'll probably

558
00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:00,240
Speaker 1: be in Texas or somewhere around. I want to go there.

559
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,720
Speaker 1: So I just think those those big conversations, and it's

560
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 1: not that things won't change, because as we know in life,

561
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 1: it will change. But if you never started out by

562
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:16,479
Speaker 1: having that conversation about kids, jobs, all that, then it

563
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,960
Speaker 1: will come up and it will be explosive.

564
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:27,840
Speaker 2: You completely avoided my question. I think this is a

565
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:31,639
Speaker 2: tough question to answer if this big issue comes up

566
00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:34,600
Speaker 2: later in a relationship, something you don't see coming. I

567
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:38,080
Speaker 2: think the truth is somebody's got to give. Of course, yes,

568
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,400
Speaker 2: somebody's got to give, you know, I mean unless you're

569
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:41,000
Speaker 2: breaking up.

570
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,680
Speaker 1: But well, something's going to give, yes, and so someone's

571
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:46,560
Speaker 1: got to give, or something's going.

572
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:48,760
Speaker 2: To give, right, unless it's so big of a thing

573
00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:52,479
Speaker 2: that you're you end the relationship. But the truth is

574
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:57,160
Speaker 2: relationships are in many ways about compromise. You have to

575
00:28:57,200 --> 00:29:00,200
Speaker 2: say I can give this, if you can promise me

576
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:05,880
Speaker 2: that like or you know, I would say it says

577
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:08,080
Speaker 2: a lot about a person if they're not open to

578
00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 2: compromise and to change. Because life is guaranteed to throw

579
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,840
Speaker 2: unexpected things at you. As much as you can have

580
00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:17,200
Speaker 2: these important conversations about how do we want to live

581
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:19,840
Speaker 2: our lives, someone can get a job off or someone

582
00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:21,640
Speaker 2: can get laid off, and then maybe you've got to

583
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:24,160
Speaker 2: make a different job decision and maybe you have to move.

584
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,920
Speaker 2: Maybe the way things are in this state has changed

585
00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:29,280
Speaker 2: and you've got to get out of there. So you

586
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,600
Speaker 2: do want a partner in life who's going to be

587
00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:34,280
Speaker 2: open to change and compromise and willing to give a

588
00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:37,440
Speaker 2: little bit. It's a red flag for you if you're

589
00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:39,640
Speaker 2: the one who's always giving and your partner never is.

590
00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 2: But I do think the question what do you do

591
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,840
Speaker 2: if someone wants to move and the other one doesn't, Well,

592
00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:50,840
Speaker 2: somebody's got to give. That's the unfortunate truth about it,

593
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,920
Speaker 2: and it'll tell you a lot about that person if

594
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:57,160
Speaker 2: they're not willing to give even a little bit, if

595
00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:59,320
Speaker 2: it's something that's really important to you, it might not

596
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:01,240
Speaker 2: make them wrong, are you wrong? But it might mean

597
00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:02,040
Speaker 2: a big problem in the rerun.

598
00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 1: Even that could be a compromise of Hey, okay, so

599
00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 1: if I give here, let's move to Lincoln, Nebraska for

600
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:13,040
Speaker 1: five years, and then let's also look about moving forward

601
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:16,280
Speaker 1: here or you know, wherever. So again, the compromise isn't

602
00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:20,600
Speaker 1: just A or B, so it's very layered, nuanced. But

603
00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:22,880
Speaker 1: it's just something that Lauren and I have seen a

604
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 1: lot with some of our friends lately, and we keep

605
00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:27,880
Speaker 1: talking about this, and it's a it's a huge deal

606
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:30,160
Speaker 1: because people do get a big especially in this day

607
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,000
Speaker 1: and age of work. It's like you get a good job,

608
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:34,920
Speaker 1: well sometimes you do have to move for that, and

609
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to sacrifice, and you have to figure

610
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:38,600
Speaker 1: out what's the most important thing.

611
00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:44,560
Speaker 2: Callie asks, thoughts on the right time to move in together.

612
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:50,560
Speaker 1: Probably during right before during a global pandemic, and again

613
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:52,640
Speaker 1: in our lifetime, you've only been able to count on

614
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:55,960
Speaker 1: that once. With the way, but with the way our

615
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:58,040
Speaker 1: government works, I think we can probably just probably have

616
00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:01,280
Speaker 1: one of these every year. I'm guessing now. But that's

617
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:02,120
Speaker 1: what Laura and I did.

618
00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:04,520
Speaker 2: That is and by the way, we that was earlier

619
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 2: than we talked about it. We had this plan we

620
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:09,680
Speaker 2: were going to I had an apartment, Chris had his house,

621
00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:12,360
Speaker 2: and Chris's son was finishing his senior year of high school,

622
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,880
Speaker 2: and I said, you know, we talked about moving in together.

623
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:18,520
Speaker 2: And I said, you know, let's have Josh finish out

624
00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:20,320
Speaker 2: his senior year of high school. I don't need to

625
00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:21,880
Speaker 2: come in and rock the boat. I'll stay in this

626
00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:23,840
Speaker 2: apartment in the city. And you were like, yeah, that'll

627
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:26,000
Speaker 2: be awesome. We'll have this place in the city and

628
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:27,960
Speaker 2: we can you know, I can come stay there with

629
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:29,720
Speaker 2: you sometimes when I don't have the kids, we'll do

630
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:33,760
Speaker 2: fun dinners. And then March twenty twenty. I moved into

631
00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:36,200
Speaker 2: that apartment in January twenty twenty. Yeah, and then March

632
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:36,680
Speaker 2: twenty we.

633
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:37,920
Speaker 1: Really got our money's worth out of that.

634
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:43,080
Speaker 2: So I will say, first of all, remind yourself that

635
00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,240
Speaker 2: it's never going to be the perfect time. There isn't

636
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,880
Speaker 2: Gosh we plan and God laughs, there is never going

637
00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:50,040
Speaker 2: to be the perfect time to move in together, to

638
00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:51,920
Speaker 2: have kids, to try a new city. There are always

639
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:54,000
Speaker 2: going to be these little things that might be raising

640
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:57,040
Speaker 2: questions for you in your mind. But I will also

641
00:31:57,160 --> 00:31:59,920
Speaker 2: say thoughts on the right time to move in together,

642
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:04,400
Speaker 2: keyword there being time. If there was one piece of

643
00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:08,440
Speaker 2: advice I would give anybody on a relationship, it is that,

644
00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:11,040
Speaker 2: And I would even put it to the specifics of

645
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,680
Speaker 2: like a year. You've got to be with somebody for

646
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:16,200
Speaker 2: a certain amount of time to see what kind of

647
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:19,040
Speaker 2: person they are, because even when you think you know someone,

648
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:20,240
Speaker 2: you have to see them through a.

649
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:22,320
Speaker 1: Couple of I recommend at least four seasons.

650
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:25,240
Speaker 2: Four seasons, Yes, you got to see them through, like

651
00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:27,640
Speaker 2: how do they react in situations? And only time will

652
00:32:27,640 --> 00:32:30,120
Speaker 2: give you that how are they when someone sick?

653
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 1: Only see the best version of somebody and make all

654
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:36,480
Speaker 1: your judgments on that, because everybody can be perfect for

655
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:40,720
Speaker 1: those first one, two, three months. You know, it's it's

656
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:43,120
Speaker 1: easy when you live alone. You live separately, I mean,

657
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:46,040
Speaker 1: and it's easy to put on your best face all

658
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:48,520
Speaker 1: the time and when you're not feeling good, like Lauren

659
00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:51,800
Speaker 1: just said, oh, you know, I'm going to stay in tonight,

660
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:53,720
Speaker 1: And so you just don't see each other. You don't

661
00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:55,960
Speaker 1: have to deal with that. You need to have dealt

662
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:58,600
Speaker 1: with each other and been in the trenches and gone

663
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,800
Speaker 1: through some tough times to realize this can work.

664
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:04,640
Speaker 2: Go on a road trip together first, Yeah, travel, travel

665
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:06,840
Speaker 2: travel together for sure, Yes.

666
00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:08,440
Speaker 1: No matter what that is. And I know everyone can't

667
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:13,320
Speaker 1: travel the same, but do something where you are camping whatever.

668
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:15,200
Speaker 2: The less glamorous, the more it's going to tell you

669
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,840
Speaker 2: on whether you can move in with someone. Book the

670
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:19,080
Speaker 2: worst trip ever.

671
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:21,120
Speaker 1: And I was just I was just a big fan

672
00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:25,680
Speaker 1: of with us. The moment felt right. The times to

673
00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:28,959
Speaker 1: change felt right. For letting everybody know that we were

674
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:32,200
Speaker 1: in a relationship six months in just felt like I just.

675
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:33,560
Speaker 2: Said, But it didn't feel right with the I mean

676
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:34,560
Speaker 2: with the pandemic rereforce.

677
00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,880
Speaker 1: I I was ready. It did feel right. Was it

678
00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:39,120
Speaker 1: ahead of our schedule?

679
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:39,680
Speaker 2: Sure?

680
00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:42,280
Speaker 1: But I think it's still I would argue it felt right.

681
00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:43,280
Speaker 2: Oh that's a good one.

682
00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:45,719
Speaker 1: I don't think it felt like we weren't prepared for

683
00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:48,680
Speaker 1: this to move in. It just wasn't our life plan

684
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:50,440
Speaker 1: at the moment. I think we probably would have been

685
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:52,280
Speaker 1: another four or five, maybe.

686
00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:54,479
Speaker 2: Six a good point. It was telltale that when the

687
00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:56,720
Speaker 2: pandemic happened, we kind of looked at each other and

688
00:33:56,720 --> 00:33:58,720
Speaker 2: it was like, Okay, I'm coming to stay with you.

689
00:33:58,760 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 1: I mean it was an easy decision.

690
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:01,680
Speaker 2: Is an easy decision that we're both ready for.

691
00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:04,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, and so that step was easy to take. Again,

692
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,360
Speaker 1: you can't always count on a global pandemic.

693
00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:09,719
Speaker 2: And you know what else, we were excited about it

694
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:13,120
Speaker 2: even though it was the pandemic. I think you should

695
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:15,799
Speaker 2: be excited to move in together. It shouldn't be questioning it.

696
00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:18,960
Speaker 2: It shouldn't be like at that phase in your relationship

697
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,000
Speaker 2: it's probably still pretty new, and it should still be

698
00:34:21,040 --> 00:34:23,640
Speaker 2: a bit of that honeymoon phase of we're excited to

699
00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:26,600
Speaker 2: be together. No, and it should be exciting to like

700
00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:30,400
Speaker 2: put your pieces together, build your home and your nest together,

701
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:31,560
Speaker 2: and it should be fun.

702
00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:37,239
Speaker 1: Should I end with a very personal question about us?

703
00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:41,640
Speaker 1: Because Mary asked this will be our last question today?

704
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:46,080
Speaker 1: Mary asked, what will you and LZ do different this

705
00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:48,000
Speaker 1: time to make your marriage work?

706
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:54,960
Speaker 2: Wow? What will we do differently this time to make

707
00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:56,080
Speaker 2: our marriage work?

708
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:58,760
Speaker 1: Clearly, as Mary did her homework, we've both been married,

709
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:01,759
Speaker 1: we're both divorced. Yes, yes, this is number two for

710
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:02,600
Speaker 1: both of us.

711
00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:05,920
Speaker 2: Well, I don't mean to not I don't mean to

712
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:09,239
Speaker 2: not answer Mary's question, but I guess the problem with

713
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:13,000
Speaker 2: the way to answer that is that I think we

714
00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:20,759
Speaker 2: are different people in different life places. And then the

715
00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:24,759
Speaker 2: first times we both got married and going into this relationship,

716
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:28,600
Speaker 2: we both knew what we wanted out of a relationship

717
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:30,120
Speaker 2: and out of a partner, and we knew what we

718
00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:34,840
Speaker 2: were looking for and we'd made mistakes, so we we've

719
00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:36,360
Speaker 2: come into it totally differently.

720
00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:38,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, I always say, you know, and this goes for

721
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:42,880
Speaker 1: anybody's ex. You know, the next person usually when you

722
00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:45,200
Speaker 1: are older, wiser, is getting a better version of you.

723
00:35:45,480 --> 00:35:48,560
Speaker 1: Sure you are a much but I am a much

724
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:56,320
Speaker 1: better listener, conversationalists, caretaker, just impath for somebody.

725
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:59,480
Speaker 2: Gosh, being a single dad made you, Oh gosh, you're

726
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:01,160
Speaker 2: so good at so many things, the things.

727
00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:04,560
Speaker 1: Honestly, that was the best boot camp I ever went

728
00:36:04,600 --> 00:36:07,160
Speaker 1: through was being a single dad and I was fifty

729
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:10,000
Speaker 1: to fifty. I never want to take away from their mom.

730
00:36:10,320 --> 00:36:12,640
Speaker 1: She did a wonderful job. She is a wonderful mother.

731
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:16,520
Speaker 1: But half the time I was alone and completely alone

732
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:19,560
Speaker 1: in everything we did from the moment we woke up

733
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:25,600
Speaker 1: to homework and everything, sick, everything. So that prepared me

734
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:28,000
Speaker 1: in a way for my next relationship that I couldn't

735
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:30,920
Speaker 1: even explain. I mean, it's taken me to a level

736
00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:35,440
Speaker 1: that when I got married at twenty three, somebody was

737
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:36,400
Speaker 1: still parenting me.

738
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:40,160
Speaker 2: What I will say, maybe, and again it's kind of

739
00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:43,600
Speaker 2: something we did beforehand, but what will we both do

740
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:48,720
Speaker 2: to make our marriage work this time? We're both older

741
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:50,560
Speaker 2: and wiser. I mean, we were both in our early

742
00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:54,719
Speaker 2: twenties and we got married, so that's huge. We both

743
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:56,680
Speaker 2: know who we are, like I think we both got

744
00:36:56,760 --> 00:36:59,160
Speaker 2: married the first time not fully knowing who we were yet.

745
00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:01,600
Speaker 2: And for me, maybe the biggest thing on why I

746
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:04,480
Speaker 2: think okay, I feel better about this is I got

747
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:06,800
Speaker 2: married and I got engaged and married way too fast.

748
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:09,640
Speaker 2: The first time, I got engaged after only about eight months. Yep,

749
00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:14,319
Speaker 2: I didn't. I hadn't given that relationship the time and

750
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:18,960
Speaker 2: trials and tribulations to know yet that that was a lifelong.

751
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:22,239
Speaker 1: I would say my biggest strength now and this might

752
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:24,120
Speaker 1: get me in trouble. And I don't mean it this way.

753
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:26,880
Speaker 1: Elsie and I might get in a fight about this. No,

754
00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:30,520
Speaker 1: because it's not to say that she's always wrong, or

755
00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:33,160
Speaker 1: it's not to say that she's ever wrong. But I

756
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:35,439
Speaker 1: think I am so much more. And again this goes

757
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:37,359
Speaker 1: back to being a single dad. I'm so much more

758
00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:40,520
Speaker 1: patient because at this age and at this stage in

759
00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:44,600
Speaker 1: my life I know what's important. I know what's important

760
00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:48,359
Speaker 1: to me. I know what really matters, and so I

761
00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:52,080
Speaker 1: don't mind the little thing so much. They just don't

762
00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:55,000
Speaker 1: bother me so so much. More can roll off my back,

763
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:58,080
Speaker 1: and I can give a lot more. I can see

764
00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:01,520
Speaker 1: through things. If Lauren just in a bad mood or whatever.

765
00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:06,120
Speaker 1: It just things that normally would have degraded into a

766
00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:11,279
Speaker 1: fight and just blown up a situation that could really explode.

767
00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:14,560
Speaker 1: I know, and you're really good at this anyway, but

768
00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:18,239
Speaker 1: I know myself to see from a thousand feet and go,

769
00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:22,320
Speaker 1: this isn't worth fighting about, This isn't worth three days

770
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:23,120
Speaker 1: of life.

771
00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:26,319
Speaker 2: I also got better at fighting, and maybe that's what

772
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:30,160
Speaker 2: you mean. Is I mean we argue and disagree, but

773
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:32,600
Speaker 2: on so much less occasion than I did in my

774
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:34,600
Speaker 2: first marriage. I mean I was younger, I was more

775
00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:37,319
Speaker 2: hot headed, but I also had to learn how to

776
00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,680
Speaker 2: argue with people, and that was working on myself too.

777
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:44,320
Speaker 2: I mean, if you're with somebody who's you're having toxic, angry,

778
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:46,839
Speaker 2: yelling arguments with, I am here to tell you that's

779
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:49,520
Speaker 2: not normal and it's not healthy. I think I thought

780
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:51,759
Speaker 2: the first time around, or we're both going to grow

781
00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:53,720
Speaker 2: and we're both going to get past this and maybe

782
00:38:53,719 --> 00:38:56,720
Speaker 2: you can do that and grow together. But we grew apart,

783
00:38:57,040 --> 00:38:59,280
Speaker 2: and I really had a moment of saying to myself,

784
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:02,640
Speaker 2: I have to work on how I talk to people,

785
00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:06,200
Speaker 2: how I react to things myself. And so I've gotten

786
00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:09,680
Speaker 2: a lot better at that. And I think arguing is

787
00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:12,640
Speaker 2: healthy and I think it's going to happen. But I

788
00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:17,280
Speaker 2: definitely now in our relationship, I watch my words because

789
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:21,240
Speaker 2: in my first marriage, we were much more likely to hurl,

790
00:39:21,719 --> 00:39:25,040
Speaker 2: you know, heart heart and hurt full words or things

791
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:28,000
Speaker 2: at each other. And I've realized that words hurt more

792
00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:30,239
Speaker 2: than anything, and you really have to be careful what

793
00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:31,520
Speaker 2: you say because you can't take it back.

794
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:33,920
Speaker 1: So I don't want to end I know that was

795
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:35,319
Speaker 1: the last question. I don't want to end on such

796
00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:38,600
Speaker 1: a like serious down there, so I will kind of.

797
00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:44,200
Speaker 1: This is part B. What's a quirk about each other? Personality, hygiene, habits, really,

798
00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:46,040
Speaker 1: anything that surprised you?

799
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:48,520
Speaker 2: Oh from Wendy, what is a quirk about each other

800
00:39:48,560 --> 00:39:50,600
Speaker 2: that surprised you? And man, when you move in with

801
00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 2: somebody or when you get married, you see you're surprised.

802
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:55,360
Speaker 2: So you can still learn things what's a quirk about

803
00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:57,239
Speaker 2: me that surprised you, because I don't have mine about

804
00:39:57,239 --> 00:39:58,360
Speaker 2: you yet. Do you know your answer?

805
00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:05,160
Speaker 1: One thing, first and foremost Voldemort, Oholdemort, impressions, but really

806
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:10,080
Speaker 1: just a lot of impressions and voices.

807
00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:12,200
Speaker 2: I'm a theater kid.

808
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:16,280
Speaker 1: Those are things that you know, I kind a glimpse

809
00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:18,520
Speaker 1: of I knew, you know, she did Roses and Rose.

810
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:21,279
Speaker 1: She did Roses and Rose, and you know I so

811
00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:24,600
Speaker 1: I saw it. I knew the theatrical side, and I

812
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:28,399
Speaker 1: love the theater. But that was something that I noticed more

813
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:30,320
Speaker 1: of as she got more comfortable.

814
00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:32,759
Speaker 2: For sure, that's so true. I didn't give you the

815
00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:34,400
Speaker 2: full theatrical experience.

816
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:39,040
Speaker 1: Her and her sister don't have anything other than that

817
00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:42,120
Speaker 1: going on. They speak to each other.

818
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:44,319
Speaker 2: In weird voices, in code and.

819
00:40:44,239 --> 00:40:45,200
Speaker 1: In weird voices.

820
00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:46,040
Speaker 2: So true.

821
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:47,920
Speaker 1: I know immediately when you're on the phone with your sister,

822
00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:50,000
Speaker 1: So true, never your voice.

823
00:40:50,040 --> 00:40:52,719
Speaker 2: And you're right. And I purposely didn't give you that

824
00:40:52,719 --> 00:40:56,440
Speaker 2: side of myself in the beginning. I will say, look, you,

825
00:40:56,480 --> 00:40:58,239
Speaker 2: the person's got to love you for who you are.

826
00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:01,160
Speaker 2: But just like I might not do my Voldemort impression.

827
00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:03,080
Speaker 2: As I walk into a business meeting, I didn't do

828
00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:05,279
Speaker 2: it on the first date. This was my first date

829
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:08,920
Speaker 2: version of myself and I did. Also, it made me

830
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,000
Speaker 2: love you more that you watched Roses and Rose and

831
00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:12,480
Speaker 2: you saw that weird side of me and that you

832
00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:13,920
Speaker 2: liked it, that you didn't have an issue with it.

833
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:16,720
Speaker 1: But we go back to spend at least four seasons

834
00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:19,000
Speaker 1: together before you make any dress, because you need to

835
00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:19,439
Speaker 1: see that.

836
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:20,399
Speaker 2: You need to.

837
00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:22,719
Speaker 1: See more and more and more of that, because hey,

838
00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:25,960
Speaker 1: maybe that will drive you crazy. Turns out I love it.

839
00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:26,400
Speaker 1: It does not.

840
00:41:27,719 --> 00:41:29,960
Speaker 2: But I think a quirk about you was when we

841
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:34,319
Speaker 2: moved in together. I you are such a clean, put

842
00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:39,320
Speaker 2: together person on the surface. I learned Chris's house is

843
00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:41,800
Speaker 2: very clean. I mean, he's a single dad, he's a bachelor,

844
00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:43,960
Speaker 2: but he had a clean house. There wasn't a lot

845
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:48,480
Speaker 2: of clutter everywhere. But in the pandemic, I was going

846
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:51,399
Speaker 2: a little stir crazy and I'm a big organizer, and

847
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,640
Speaker 2: I actually thought about putting this on social media, but

848
00:41:53,680 --> 00:41:55,640
Speaker 2: I didn't because I didn't want you to be embarrassed.

849
00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:58,520
Speaker 2: I started going through Chris's house thinking what else can

850
00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:00,440
Speaker 2: I do in this time? I know we're going to

851
00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:03,080
Speaker 2: clean house. We're gonna do spring cleaning. We're gonna revamp

852
00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:05,919
Speaker 2: the house, get some new picture frames and pictures in them.

853
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:07,719
Speaker 2: Like do a revamp, get some new stuff for the

854
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:12,480
Speaker 2: kids rooms. Well, I would open a cabinet door and

855
00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:18,320
Speaker 2: des cascade of stuff would come falling out. Chris Harrison

856
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,880
Speaker 2: might be an exaggeration, is a messy behind the scenes.

857
00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:24,359
Speaker 2: May I opened one cabinet in your kitchen and there

858
00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:27,640
Speaker 2: were just empty boxes in the cabinet, like cardboard boxes.

859
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:31,400
Speaker 1: You never know when you need boxes. Boxes are important. Okay,

860
00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:34,080
Speaker 1: you're not wrong, You're not You're not wrong. It might

861
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:37,560
Speaker 1: not be that bad.

862
00:42:37,719 --> 00:42:39,839
Speaker 2: Here's a quirk about Chris Harrison. It's hard for him

863
00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:43,839
Speaker 2: to not be perfect. He has an issue. We're messing up.

864
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:47,759
Speaker 2: Yeah no, But but what was great about that was

865
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:50,640
Speaker 2: I loved to organize, and I do think we're good

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00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:59,200
Speaker 2: at like our flaws or Quirks's strength. Yes, the dynamic duo.

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Speaker 1: And yes, on that note, we will put a pin

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Speaker 1: in your questions and your answers for now. But love

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Speaker 1: doing this, love hearing from you. And again, if you

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Speaker 1: have any crazy relationship stories, questions, things you want us

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Speaker 1: to talk about here on the pod, go to the

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Speaker 1: most Dramatic Pod Ever on Insta. Leave your questions, leave

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Speaker 1: your comments there. We'll pick them up and we'll bring

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Speaker 1: them here on the show from time to time.

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Speaker 2: Thanks everybody, Love you all.

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Speaker 1: We'll see you next time because we have a lot

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Speaker 1: more to talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow us on

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Speaker 1: to write us a review and leave us five stars.

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Speaker 1: I'll talk to you next time.