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Speaker 1: I just announced all my tour dates. It's called the

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Speaker 1: Height and Mighty Tour. I'm coming to Washington, d c Norfolk, Virginia, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Detroit, Michigan, Cleveland, Columbus,

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Speaker 1: and Cincinnati, Ohio, Denver, Colorado, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Springfield, Massachusetts, Chicago,

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Speaker 1: of Course, Indianapolis, Indiana, Louisville, Kentucky, Albuquerque, Masa, Arizona, Kansas City, Missouri,

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Speaker 1: Saint Louis, Missouri, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Nashville, Tennessee, Charlotte, North Carolina, Durham,

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Speaker 1: North of Carolina, Saratoga, California, Monterey, California, Modeesto, California, and

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Speaker 1: port Chester, New York, Boston, Massachusetts, Portland, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington.

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Speaker 1: I will be touring from February through June, so go

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Speaker 1: get your tickets now. If you want to come see

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Speaker 1: me perform, I will be on the High and Mighty Tour.

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Speaker 2: Happy New Year, Catherine.

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Speaker 3: It's New Year's Day.

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Speaker 4: Hi.

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Speaker 5: I'm hoping it's nice and frosty and Whistler. It is

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Speaker 5: not frosty here in La.

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Speaker 2: Is it's nice and frosty.

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Speaker 1: Unfortunately, I have to head back to La today and

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Speaker 1: leave Whistler. But that's okay because I have to prep

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Speaker 1: for the Critics' Choice Awards.

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Speaker 3: It's gonna be so great this year. I'm really excited.

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Speaker 1: I'm excited. I'm excited. It's always so fun to do,

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Speaker 1: so we'll just get right into it. This guy's another comedian.

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Speaker 1: He's probably now one of my favorite comedians after watching

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Speaker 1: his new special and after spending time with him. I

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Speaker 1: was doing a shoot with him a few months ago,

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Speaker 1: and he is an Oscar nominated writer, Emmy nominated and

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Speaker 1: SAG Award winning actor, and critically acclaimed producer and comedian

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Speaker 1: who's a critically acclaimed producer.

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Speaker 2: Please welcome Kumail Nanjianni.

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Speaker 1: For Christmas, everybody, we brought you a Jew and then

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Speaker 1: a Pakistani.

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Speaker 3: Yes, you know, jerked over Minna night.

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Speaker 1: That's you know, yeah exactly. Okay, Please welcome Kamail nan Gianni.

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Speaker 2: Did I say it right?

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Speaker 6: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: You said it right. You just didn't say it with

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Speaker 4: a lot of confidence. But that's okay.

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Speaker 1: Well, I mean the confidence precedes me, so I don't

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Speaker 1: even need the confidence.

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Speaker 2: Kamail nan Gianni.

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Speaker 4: That's right, I did.

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Speaker 1: Yes, I got the pleasure of hanging out with Kamail.

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Speaker 1: We were working on something with Kevin Hart. You know

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Speaker 1: that little nugget who just got nominated for a Golden Globe.

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Speaker 1: By the way, for his stand up special. I can't

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Speaker 1: think of anyone who deserves it less.

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Speaker 4: And well, I also got nominated.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, yes, yeah, I did not expect it.

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Speaker 4: My specials not even out yet, but yeah.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god. You know what.

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Speaker 1: I was watching it yesterday. I watched Kamail special. It's

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Speaker 1: called Night Thoughts. It's going to be on.

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Speaker 4: Hulu, right, yeah, December nineteenth on Hulu.

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Speaker 1: December nineteenth, it comes out, you guys, And I was

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Speaker 1: watching a Kamal and I was like, you're going I

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Speaker 1: can't believe that you got nominated either.

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Speaker 2: I thought you wouldn't if it's not out yet, you

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Speaker 2: wouldn't qualify.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, the cutoff is like December thirty first. But yeah,

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Speaker 4: I had such a great time doing that thing with

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Speaker 4: you and Kevin.

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Speaker 1: Well, first of all, all, let's okay, now we're getting

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Speaker 1: all carried away. Okay, let's go back to that. We

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Speaker 1: filmed something with Kevin. We'll probably you'll hear about that later.

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Speaker 1: And another friend of ours Keegan and I hadn't really

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Speaker 1: hung out with you, Kamail, I guess ever, which is weird,

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Speaker 1: but I assumed I had. Anyway, we had a blast,

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Speaker 1: and Kevin just wanted me to be there because he

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Speaker 1: needed somebody to drink with because Kamal and Keegan were,

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Speaker 1: you know, acting like normal people. But we filmed something

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Speaker 1: around the stand up world and we had I had

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Speaker 1: a great time with you, camel.

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Speaker 4: I had a great time with you. It was so funny,

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Speaker 4: and your and Kevin's dynamic is so funny to me.

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Speaker 4: I was laughing so much because you know, it's Kevin

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Speaker 4: Hart's obviously he's a He's an enterprise, right, He's not

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Speaker 4: even a celebrity.

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Speaker 2: He's like an enterprise. Rent a car to be specific.

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Speaker 4: A compact, he's but so he's surrounded by all these

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Speaker 4: people that he's the king of, right, and then you're

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Speaker 4: there and the entire time you are just picking on him.

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Speaker 4: It's so funny. I loved it so much.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I'm so glad.

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Speaker 1: I'm so glad you were there to witness it, because

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Speaker 1: it is really fun when he and I get together

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Speaker 1: and do stuff together because he just I think he

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Speaker 1: really enjoys the abuse he does.

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Speaker 4: He does, I don't think he gets it very much.

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Speaker 4: He's just you know what's surprising about him, and I

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Speaker 4: don't know him that well either. That's the most I've

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Speaker 4: hung out with him, but I had hung out with

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Speaker 4: him more than I'd hung out with you. He's a

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Speaker 4: true comedian, like he's like, loves comedy. He approaches it

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Speaker 4: like a stand up. He really like so the ball

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Speaker 4: busting and stuff. He's not like an actor who does

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Speaker 4: stand up. I know he started off as a stand up,

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Speaker 4: but he's still a stand up.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and he really respects the art of stand up,

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Speaker 1: and he really wants other people to succeed in stand up.

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Speaker 1: He enjoys watching it and he'll spit. When you see

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Speaker 1: this project, you'll see him watch comedians and then spit

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Speaker 1: back out their material to him. I was impressed actually

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Speaker 1: with him that day, and that doesn't happen frequently, so so.

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Speaker 2: That was fun. But let's get back tonight.

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Speaker 1: Thoughts your stand up special which is just nominated for

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Speaker 1: a Golden Globe.

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Speaker 2: I didn't even look at the list.

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Speaker 1: I just saw Kevin posted to congratulate himself, So congratulations

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Speaker 1: to you, Kamal.

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Speaker 2: And when I was watching it.

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Speaker 1: I was like, this, but you should definitely get nominated

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Speaker 1: because A you're so fucking funny, and you're so funny

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Speaker 1: in a non bro ick way. You're You're just you

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Speaker 1: make everything listen. I'm not into cats at all. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to see them or talk about them. And

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Speaker 1: you have a bit about cats that is just hilarious.

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Speaker 1: And it was the only time I've been actively listening

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Speaker 1: to a story about a cat for more than about

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Speaker 1: ten minutes.

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Speaker 4: Thank you. You know you texted me yesterday like the

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Speaker 4: opening students that walk out. You sent me a video

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Speaker 4: of it, and I was like, oh, Chelsea's watching it.

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Speaker 4: And then I got really nervous because I think you're

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Speaker 4: really funny. I respect you, of course and all that.

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Speaker 4: I'm a fan, and I feel like comedians are the

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Speaker 4: best critics of stand up comedy because we see people

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Speaker 4: getting nominated all the time for stand up and you're like, well,

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Speaker 4: that person should have been nominated. It should not have

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Speaker 4: been nominated. They shouldn't have been nominated. But other comedians

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Speaker 4: really really know what good comedy is. So I was

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Speaker 4: really nervous. I don't care what critics say. I care

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Speaker 4: what comedians say. About it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And also I would say as a comedian, it's

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Speaker 1: very hard.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if this is true for you. Tell me.

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Speaker 2: I find it hard to watch stand up on TV

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Speaker 2: like Live.

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Speaker 1: You can get down with it, but watching people's specials

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Speaker 1: can always be a little bit tricky.

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Speaker 2: So that's why it was an extra pleasant surprise.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I just was sitting here at my kitchen

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Speaker 1: counter watching on my iPod, and the very first thing

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Speaker 1: out of the gate that you talk about is the

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Speaker 1: very first thing I mentioned to you when I saw

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Speaker 1: you when we were doing our project. Which are the

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Speaker 1: muscles that are coming out of the back of your shoulders.

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Speaker 2: I don't know. Are those called rhomboids or are they

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Speaker 2: what are you?

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Speaker 4: That's funny, They're called trapezoids, which is another ship so

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Speaker 4: you were close.

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Speaker 2: Well, there's two sets come out.

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Speaker 1: There's two that come over here, come out of your shoulder,

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Speaker 1: and then his arm has an extra series or like

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Speaker 1: it's like a mountain range, like a mini mountain range

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Speaker 1: of muscles that comes out that I haven't seen before.

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Speaker 4: I'm actually trying to bring it down, especially the traps.

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Speaker 1: How long did it take you to acquire that body?

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Speaker 1: Because you had to do that for your superhero movies, right.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I did it for my superhero movie. That took

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Speaker 4: about a year and a half. But when it really

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Speaker 4: went nuts was in the pandemic. Like I had a

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Speaker 4: full freak out in the year and a half that

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Speaker 4: I did not leave the house. I talked about it

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Speaker 4: a little bit in the special, and all I did

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Speaker 4: I worked out about four hours every day. I got

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Speaker 4: really obsessed with it. And that's when I like sort

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Speaker 4: of got really really super big.

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Speaker 1: And you just that because you had nothing else going on, right, I.

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Speaker 4: Had nothing else going on, and it was the only

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Speaker 4: thing I could do where I could feel any kind

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Speaker 4: of progress. I was like, oh, I can lift this

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Speaker 4: weight today. I couldn't lift it last week, but I

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Speaker 4: can lift it today. Nothing else was happening, nothing else

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Speaker 4: was real. I couldn't feel like I was moving in

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Speaker 4: any direction except for working out. It's really the thing

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Speaker 4: that kept me tethered to sanity.

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Speaker 1: I understand that because you talk, you do address this

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Speaker 1: a little bit in your special, not related to the

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Speaker 1: muscle building and working out, but in being like nervous

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Speaker 1: for your wife because she was immune compromised during COVID.

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Speaker 2: But I understand that too, because isn't it interesting?

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Speaker 1: And not to sound like a gym rap, but I

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Speaker 1: just want to say, I am from New Jersey, everybody,

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Speaker 1: so we already know this. So I have a predilection

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Speaker 1: for physical fitness. When you do a set, when you

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Speaker 1: do three sets of something, and you do the first

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Speaker 1: set and it's really challenging and hard, and then you

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Speaker 1: go back and you do the second set and it's easier,

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Speaker 1: you realize how quickly you can gain strength, and it

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Speaker 1: is quite a motivating factor.

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Speaker 4: I think what I've learned most from it is like,

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Speaker 4: we limit ourselves all the time, I can't do that whatever,

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Speaker 4: And with working out, you realize how much of those

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Speaker 4: limits are based on our own the way we look

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Speaker 4: at ourselves, and not what other people tell you or

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Speaker 4: what even the world tells you. So yeah, it's I

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Speaker 4: mean I never thought i'd be buff, you know, And

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Speaker 4: the fact that I am, I was like, oh, maybe

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Speaker 4: what else is like available to me that I thought

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Speaker 4: wasn't available to me?

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Speaker 2: Accomplishable?

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Speaker 4: Right?

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Speaker 2: Do your wife? Do you guys have more sex now

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Speaker 2: that you have a bigger body.

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Speaker 4: No, we have the same amount of sex, which is

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Speaker 4: a very good, healthy amount of sex. But she does

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Speaker 4: it. It's like it's like fucking the corner of a building.

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Speaker 2: I like that a lot.

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Speaker 4: It's it's you know, I hugged a buff guy the

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Speaker 4: other day who was like buffer than me, and I

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Speaker 4: was like, I know exactly what Emily means.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, And how did that make you feel when

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Speaker 1: you've touched his body like that against your body?

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Speaker 4: I did. It didn't feel good. It's not like you

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Speaker 4: know Pete Holmes your buddies with Pete. I'm sure he

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Speaker 4: in one of his sets he talks about how like

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Speaker 4: a good hug is important, and he mentions me and says,

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Speaker 4: there's no Catharsis, like you need like cushion for a

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Speaker 4: good hug. And I finally understood what he meant when

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Speaker 4: I hugged this buff guy.

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Speaker 1: I don't listen. As a woman, I have to say,

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Speaker 1: I disagree completely. I don't want to hug a cushion.

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Speaker 1: I that I could do on my sofa when I

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Speaker 1: want a man who's got some muscles on him.

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Speaker 2: He doesn't have to be.

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Speaker 1: A beef cake like you. But I wouldn't turn that away.

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Speaker 1: I like muscles, I don't. I mean, you know, knowing

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Speaker 1: somebody spending that much time in the gym is a

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Speaker 1: different story.

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Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, Well you tend.

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Speaker 1: To just be naturally physically fit without doing anything.

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Speaker 4: It is nerdy to like spend this much time doing this.

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Speaker 4: It's like you have to have. Emily was like, if

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Speaker 4: we first went out and you look like this, I

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Speaker 4: think there was something really wrong with you.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so let's talk about Okay.

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Speaker 1: First, I want to talk a little bit about the special,

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Speaker 1: because in this special you really do get emotional. Two

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Speaker 1: or three times you were teary eyed at the gratitude

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Speaker 1: you were feeling. Towards filming your special back in Chicago

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Speaker 1: where you started stand up, you filmed it at the

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Speaker 1: VIC Theater, So you started out as a stand up

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Speaker 1: and you remind people that you're not an actor trying

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Speaker 1: to do stand up or attempting to do stand up

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Speaker 1: off of the back of your success as an actor,

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Speaker 1: but that you began as a stand up. And you

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Speaker 1: also talk about you mentioned therapy a lot during the show,

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Speaker 1: which was really nice to hear from as a woman

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Speaker 1: hearing it from a straight man, it's always refreshing for

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Speaker 1: men to be talking about therapy. And then your cat's

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Speaker 1: name is Bagel, so let's start with your cat.

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Speaker 2: How is she?

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Speaker 4: She is not with us anymore?

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Speaker 2: Okay, great, great, great way to start.

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Speaker 1: So this is a great beginning and hopefully you'll be

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Speaker 1: able to I don't know, maybe you will cry.

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Speaker 2: Maybe I can make you cry, come out.

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Speaker 4: You know what. We got a new you don't like cat,

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Speaker 4: so this won't be We got a new kitten a

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Speaker 4: month ago, and that was the first time I was like, oh,

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Speaker 4: it's okay. I don't you got it. You know, I've

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Speaker 4: got a new thing to focus on. And literally yesterday

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Speaker 4: when the newness of the new kitten sort of went away,

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Speaker 4: and I love this kitten, I started missing Bagel again

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Speaker 4: and I hadn't missed her for a month and I

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Speaker 4: just miss her. So but you know what, she was seventeen.

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Speaker 4: She led a great life. And you know it is

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Speaker 4: what it is. You do you have dogs? Are you

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Speaker 4: a pet person?

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Speaker 1: I do? And what I want to say to you

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Speaker 1: about this is I always have I always have a dog.

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Speaker 1: I always have one dog, and sometimes I have two dogs,

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Speaker 1: but as soon as one of them starts to go downhill,

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Speaker 1: I acquire another dog. Always because I don't have time

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Speaker 1: for grieving. I want to transfer my love to another

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Speaker 1: person or dog immediately, and I find that to be

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Speaker 1: in a great approach to you know, listen, rescue animals

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Speaker 1: or cats or dogs whatever, even if they're not rescues,

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Speaker 1: they're going to they're not going to be here forever.

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Speaker 1: And we know that going in, so you kind of

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Speaker 1: have to, like, I just want to kind of get

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Speaker 1: ahead of it. And it's not like it's a person.

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Speaker 1: I don't grieve for my animals like their people. I

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Speaker 1: don't think that my dog crosses the Rainbow Highway or

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Speaker 1: whatever when he goes to heaven.

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Speaker 2: I don't talk like that. I just want them. I

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Speaker 2: love dogs.

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Speaker 1: I love having a dog in my house, and so

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Speaker 1: I'm very pragmatic about it. But I understand that other

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Speaker 1: people are much more sensitive.

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Speaker 2: I was.

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Speaker 4: I mean, she's the first pet I ever had, and

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Speaker 4: Emily and I have been married eighteen years and she's

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Speaker 4: been with us seventeen years, so it was always the

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Speaker 4: three of us, you know, so yeah, and I'm with you.

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Speaker 4: I don't think Mike, you know, people will be like, oh,

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Speaker 4: she's still with you, Like she's not. She's not with me.

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Speaker 4: I remember her, her memories are with me. But there's

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Speaker 4: no like spirit that's around. So I completely agree with you.

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Speaker 4: I was talking to Emily yesterday. I was like, we

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Speaker 4: should wait a few years and get another cat, just

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Speaker 4: exactly for the reasons you're mentioning, so that we have

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Speaker 4: like another after this one decides to go. You didn't cry.

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Speaker 4: You don't cry when your dog does.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I cry, but I don't mourn like my last

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Speaker 1: dog was actually a really ugly kind of death. And

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Speaker 1: I was sorry, thank you, and I just I cried.

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Speaker 1: I you know, it took her to the event.

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Speaker 2: It was awful.

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Speaker 1: It was dramatic, and it was like a three day event.

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Speaker 1: But I was able to recuperate pretty quickly. And I

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Speaker 1: also had this new dog, a new puppy that I

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Speaker 1: had rescued, So it was it was It's a good buffer.

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Speaker 1: But I just do want to say on behalf of

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Speaker 1: Bagel because I feel like I speak for her now.

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Speaker 1: You that tribute you made to her in your stand up,

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Speaker 1: I mean, this is a beautiful way to go out,

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Speaker 1: and it's a beautiful bookend to your love story with Bagel.

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Speaker 4: Oh, thank you. Yeah. The way it happened was so weird.

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Speaker 4: I was in New York doing this play. Oh, Mary Right, Oh, Mary, Yeah,

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Speaker 4: really have you seen it?

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 2: I have not seen it.

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Speaker 3: Sorry, yeah, I've seen it. I thought just I think

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Speaker 3: maybe just before you were in it. But I saw

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Speaker 3: it with Titu.

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Speaker 4: It's really really funny, and I just loved being a

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Speaker 4: you know, you fucking kill every night you get a

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Speaker 4: standing ovation and it has nothing to do with you.

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Speaker 4: It's incredible. You're like, I'm literally just saying the word

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Speaker 4: someone else wrote and you think I'm a hero. It's

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Speaker 4: so fun. But the weird thing was we've had her

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Speaker 4: for seventeen years, you know, and she's like such an

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Speaker 4: important part of our life. She passes away Saturday morning.

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Speaker 4: Emily has to fly an hour later back to LA

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Speaker 4: to get a monthly treatment she has to get for

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Speaker 4: her autoimmune condition, and I have two shows that day,

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Speaker 4: So my cat dies at nine am. I'm on stage

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Speaker 4: at three pm and then again at eight pm. And

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Speaker 4: I never without Emily, and I never imagine it would

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Speaker 4: be like that. I thought when she would go, Emily

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Speaker 4: and I would like cocoon and be with each other

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Speaker 4: for two weeks. And we didn't even see each other

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Speaker 4: for another week. So it was like really really intense,

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Speaker 4: and I had this feeling, this is weird. As I

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Speaker 4: was doing the first show, like four hours after my

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Speaker 4: cat died, I was like ten minutes in and I

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Speaker 4: wasn't really feeling it wasn't going well, and I was like,

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Speaker 4: you know what, this show is my tribute to Bagel.

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Speaker 4: I owe it to her to be funny today. And

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Speaker 4: then that went great, and then the second one went

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Speaker 4: great because of that, I was like, I'm doing this

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Speaker 4: for her. And then Sunday was terrible. I was terrible

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Speaker 4: boat shows because I'd spent all night now alone in

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Speaker 4: an apartment without my cat or my wife, and I

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Speaker 4: was just miserable.

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Speaker 2: Well, it's nice to know that you're so sensitive, Comel.

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Speaker 2: I like that about you.

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Speaker 4: Well, you know what, I realized, this is interesting. I

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Speaker 4: realized I'm the same person I was when I was fourteen,

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Speaker 4: and I always hated that part of myself. I hated

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Speaker 4: how sensitive I was, Like my feelings would get hurt

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Speaker 4: all the time, and that's not how men are supposed

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Speaker 4: to be, you know, It's not what strength is. And

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Speaker 4: I was very aware of it, and all through my

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Speaker 4: twenties and thirties, I was like, I'm a different person.

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Speaker 4: I've gotten over that I understand now I'm stronger, I'm cool,

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Speaker 4: like dress school, all this stuff, and I realized only

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Speaker 4: a few years ago into my forties. Now I'm still

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Speaker 4: the same guy I was when I was fourteen. I'm

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Speaker 4: just a senseive as I've always been. And it's not

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Speaker 4: good or bad. It's just what it is, and I

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Speaker 4: have to accept it. I have to accept that my

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Speaker 4: feelings get hurt very easily, and I have to acknowledge

375
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Speaker 4: that because trying to like get past it has not

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Speaker 4: worked for like fucking thirty years.

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Speaker 2: And now, well, so tell me what it was like

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Speaker 2: when you were a kid growing up.

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Speaker 1: Were you able to communicate with your family and like

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Speaker 1: have this kind of emotional conversations or was that a

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Speaker 1: no no in your house?

382
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Speaker 4: It was a no no, But I think it was

383
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Speaker 4: self limited, Like my parents were not like that. My

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Speaker 4: dad actually is a very emotional guy and always has been.

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Speaker 4: And I've seen him cry, you know, like I know

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Speaker 4: people like my wife was like, I've seen my dad

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Speaker 4: cry twice when his mother died and when his wife died.

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Speaker 4: I've seen my dad cry hundreds of times. And when

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Speaker 4: I was a little kid, I really hated that he

390
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Speaker 4: would cry. I was like, oh, my dad's like I

391
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Speaker 4: was like, my dad's a pussy. I did not like

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Speaker 4: that he cried, and he was always very affectionate, like

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Speaker 4: he would kiss up and you know, it was very

394
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Speaker 4: like emotionally, very very communicative. But for me, I did

395
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Speaker 4: not like that about him. And now when I look back,

396
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Speaker 4: I'm so grateful that I had him as like a

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Speaker 4: model for how to be like a man who is

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Speaker 4: connected with his feelings. I was not connected with my feelings,

399
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Speaker 4: and I had a real anger issue. I would say

400
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Speaker 4: probably from the age of ten to kind of all

401
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Speaker 4: through my twenties and a lot of my thirties as well.

402
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Speaker 4: But really, when I was thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, I was

403
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,399
Speaker 4: a nice guy. Nobody saw it except my parents. But

404
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,920
Speaker 4: when I would get angry, and I was so angry,

405
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Speaker 4: I wanted to burn the world and I could not.

406
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Speaker 4: It was this horrible feeling of being completely out of control.

407
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Speaker 4: And I think all of that came out of not

408
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Speaker 4: being able to address the fact that I was sensitive,

409
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Speaker 4: that my feelings got hurt very easily, and that anger

410
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,119
Speaker 4: was something that I really started didn't start working on

411
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Speaker 4: until I was in my thirties, when Emily and I

412
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Speaker 4: were together, and sometimes we'd get into fights and I

413
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Speaker 4: would just go to this place that did not feel

414
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Speaker 4: like me. And what I had to do was I

415
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,400
Speaker 4: would feel like I'd have to get to the point

416
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,119
Speaker 4: and say the thing that you cannot take back, and

417
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Speaker 4: then that would break it. It would break the spell,

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Speaker 4: and then I would feel awful and the guilt would

419
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Speaker 4: be just like punishing myself for what I said. And

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Speaker 4: then so it was like the cycle I was in.

421
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Speaker 4: And it wasn't until like, you know, a few years

422
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Speaker 4: ago in my forties when I really started late thirties actually,

423
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Speaker 4: I would say mid to late thirties when I started

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Speaker 4: like trying to be like and it started an acting class.

425
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Speaker 4: I was taking an acting class, and I was like, oh,

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00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,280
Speaker 4: there's a lot more in here than I realize, and

427
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Speaker 4: I need to start excavating it, because that's I owe

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Speaker 4: it to Emily first, even before I owe it to myself.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so nice to hear you say that because

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Speaker 1: I can relate to that, like it's kind of unskilled emotions,

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Speaker 1: like you don't know yet what you're dealing with, and

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Speaker 1: you address this in your special too, which is really beautiful,

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Speaker 1: beautiful moment and don't get confused with beautiful moments in a.

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Speaker 2: Stand up special. They're allowed for our listeners. I love that.

435
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Speaker 1: I love that it's you know, not just all joke joke, joke,

436
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,639
Speaker 1: joke joke. It's plenty funny, with a lot of like

437
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,080
Speaker 1: feeling in it and a lot of messaging that needs

438
00:20:14,119 --> 00:20:16,080
Speaker 1: to get through. But I think you know, you're talking

439
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,119
Speaker 1: about a cycle of anger, which whichever you know, so

440
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,800
Speaker 1: many people have, and it can escalate to a level

441
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,479
Speaker 1: where like that's the same cycle as an abusive person.

442
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:27,560
Speaker 1: You know, when somebody's abusive physically, they go, they go,

443
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,439
Speaker 1: and they go, they get mad, mad, mad mad. Then

444
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,160
Speaker 1: they pop and then they're overwhelmed with guilt and they

445
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:35,199
Speaker 1: come back and they're apologizing and they're so sorry.

446
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,000
Speaker 2: But it's it's something that everyone can relate to.

447
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:41,879
Speaker 1: It's just different varying degrees of anger and how you

448
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:46,879
Speaker 1: express it and then finding out finding out from a

449
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:52,239
Speaker 1: therapist that your anger is really fear or sadness. You know,

450
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,240
Speaker 1: it's like the it's the it's like the the jacket

451
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,360
Speaker 1: that your fear, sad sadness wears to protect itself.

452
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,080
Speaker 4: So this is something that you because I always think

453
00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:05,080
Speaker 4: of you as like you're like a badass, strong person, right,

454
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,320
Speaker 4: Like I've never thought of you as someone who was

455
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,399
Speaker 4: soft or anything. Is this something that you sort of

456
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,400
Speaker 4: figured out about yourself too?

457
00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:13,399
Speaker 2: Yeah?

458
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,159
Speaker 1: Yeah, I had to go to I had like a

459
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,800
Speaker 1: real break at like when I turned forty. I was like, oh,

460
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:22,399
Speaker 1: I was so angry, I'm so angry, and like I

461
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,560
Speaker 1: was protecting I mean, it was like Trump got elected,

462
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,879
Speaker 1: so it was like I had some place to place

463
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:27,760
Speaker 1: my anger, right.

464
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,639
Speaker 2: I was like, that's why I hate this world, this

465
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:31,560
Speaker 2: is it, you know.

466
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,440
Speaker 1: But really, when I delved into therapy, I found out

467
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,760
Speaker 1: it was a lot about my childhood. My brother died

468
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,600
Speaker 1: when I was really young. I had delayed grief. I

469
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:43,000
Speaker 1: had never spoken to anybody or anybody that could really

470
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:47,439
Speaker 1: unwrap that with me. So I learned very early on

471
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:51,720
Speaker 1: that my emotional outbursts, much like yours, were just me

472
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:55,080
Speaker 1: being scared or me being really sad and not feeling

473
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,960
Speaker 1: comfortable with expressing either of those emotions. So you find

474
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:02,200
Speaker 1: the emotion you are comfortable with, and for many of us,

475
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:05,119
Speaker 1: it's anger, because then you're like, oh, okay, well this

476
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:09,240
Speaker 1: is still protective. I'm protecting myself, But it does feel

477
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,040
Speaker 1: like shit after you lose your shit.

478
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,679
Speaker 4: It does because the anger FA is facing outwards. You know,

479
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,680
Speaker 4: you're like, instead of dealing with your own sadness or fear,

480
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,800
Speaker 4: you're like directing into outwards. That's something And I've noticed

481
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:24,359
Speaker 4: this a lot on social media. Obviously there's a lot

482
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,639
Speaker 4: wrong with the world, and there's a lot of like

483
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,280
Speaker 4: righteous anger that should be directed at it. But I

484
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:33,280
Speaker 4: see certain people that I'm like, Okay, the target is right,

485
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,480
Speaker 4: but there's a lot more going on with you right now,

486
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:40,520
Speaker 4: Like this isn't just about politics or whatever we're headed

487
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,000
Speaker 4: or whatever. It is, like there's stuff inside you that

488
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,760
Speaker 4: you need to deal with because it's and you've decided

489
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,479
Speaker 4: that it's really about this thing, but it's more about you.

490
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would say that's in astute observation as well,

491
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,280
Speaker 1: because you know, you know, you go through like I

492
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,320
Speaker 1: went through like a jaunt of therapy that was like

493
00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:59,320
Speaker 1: two years intense, and then after that I was like, Okay,

494
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,600
Speaker 1: let me take a break and try to absorb all

495
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,840
Speaker 1: of this and like apply it to my life so

496
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,280
Speaker 1: I can soften my edges and be more of a

497
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,320
Speaker 1: whole person rather than just kind of coming across as

498
00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:13,199
Speaker 1: like this bulldozer and strong, and then you you know

499
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,520
Speaker 1: that takes a bit of time too, to adjust your

500
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,320
Speaker 1: personality because you're like, who am I now?

501
00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:21,720
Speaker 2: Am I the same person? Or am I a different person?

502
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,600
Speaker 1: And you're kind of trying to take the best parts

503
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:28,080
Speaker 1: of your personality and bring them into the present.

504
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,600
Speaker 2: And then you're like, but how do I get rid

505
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:30,399
Speaker 2: of the bad parts?

506
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:30,639
Speaker 5: You know?

507
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,240
Speaker 2: And it's it's not it's like it's just always a

508
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:34,000
Speaker 2: moving puzzle.

509
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,600
Speaker 4: Yes, that's very well put.

510
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,840
Speaker 1: But I was reading this book recently and it was

511
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:42,120
Speaker 1: talking about intergenerational trauma, which is something we all suffer from,

512
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,480
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, fuck, now we've got to deal

513
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,440
Speaker 1: with my fucking generation with all these families, like we're

514
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:49,720
Speaker 1: in the Holocaust. I got to go through this now,

515
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:53,359
Speaker 1: I'm like, intergenerational trauma, that's too much for us to

516
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:54,639
Speaker 1: deal with in one lifetime.

517
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,359
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's not my shit. They should have dealt with

518
00:23:57,359 --> 00:23:59,159
Speaker 4: the That's the other thing you realize is like, you

519
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:02,159
Speaker 4: know how much we get from therapy, And then realized, like,

520
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,840
Speaker 4: my parents have never had this once. They've never once

521
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:09,159
Speaker 4: had a therapy session, and it's like it'd be so much.

522
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:11,920
Speaker 4: We'd all be so much happier if you guys were

523
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:15,280
Speaker 4: able to do that. Like my dad, who's absolutely wonderful,

524
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,760
Speaker 4: really in touch with his feelings, but there was like,

525
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,960
Speaker 4: like I mentioned this car accident that he was in,

526
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:24,480
Speaker 4: and he for two weeks he was just like really

527
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,359
Speaker 4: depressed because he got so scared. And I was like, Dad,

528
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,160
Speaker 4: you should talk to somebody. He's like nope, nope, nope,

529
00:24:31,359 --> 00:24:33,720
Speaker 4: and then he just kind of muscled through it and

530
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,920
Speaker 4: then a month later he was like, Okay, I'm fine now.

531
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,879
Speaker 4: So whatever the process was he did, I don't know

532
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,320
Speaker 4: how deep he buried it or whatever, but it's like

533
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,440
Speaker 4: they just it just feels like I've to a lot

534
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,040
Speaker 4: of people therapy is a defeat and it's really not.

535
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:51,240
Speaker 4: It's just what is required. We're really fucking complicated and

536
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:52,200
Speaker 4: we're dealing with a lot.

537
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:54,400
Speaker 1: I know, and we're dealing with a lot, but there's

538
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:56,639
Speaker 1: been so many generations that have come before us that

539
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:59,479
Speaker 1: never dealts with anything. So the argument that we have

540
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,320
Speaker 1: to deal with that is kind of like, well, why

541
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,280
Speaker 1: maybe I could just go through my life and not

542
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:06,119
Speaker 1: deal with anything and be a miserable son of a

543
00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:07,399
Speaker 1: bitch for the last you know.

544
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:08,399
Speaker 2: Twenty or thirty.

545
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:12,719
Speaker 1: Like my dad his last fifteen twenty thirty years, he

546
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:16,600
Speaker 1: was just angry, just angry, angry, angry. And I'm like, oh, well,

547
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,520
Speaker 1: if he had had therapy and become like a self

548
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:21,439
Speaker 1: actualized person, he probably would have been a lot different.

549
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:23,080
Speaker 2: But to what availed.

550
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,760
Speaker 1: Right, Like, we sit here kind of like you know,

551
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,919
Speaker 1: like navel gazing. People are like, oh it's you.

552
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:29,760
Speaker 2: Know, especially La.

553
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:31,760
Speaker 1: As soon as you come to La, it doesn't matter

554
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,879
Speaker 1: what country or cultural background you're from, you end up

555
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:36,600
Speaker 1: in therpy.

556
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:40,640
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's too much. People here are too self actualized.

557
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,600
Speaker 4: Some of these people need to start bottling shit up again.

558
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:46,880
Speaker 2: Do you and your wife go to couple therapy?

559
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:51,199
Speaker 4: We have? We don't anymore. We did. I think we

560
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,800
Speaker 4: started in the pandemic and we did it for about

561
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:57,439
Speaker 4: a year, started off every week and then every other week,

562
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:03,439
Speaker 4: and it was really really remarkable. First of all, you know,

563
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,480
Speaker 4: Emily and I are both very smart people and we

564
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:08,840
Speaker 4: pride ourselves on that. And we were talking to this

565
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:12,040
Speaker 4: therapist and we were like, I think she's smarter than us,

566
00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:17,040
Speaker 4: Like she really fucking knows us, and it's and it sucks,

567
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:20,640
Speaker 4: it sucks that she's so smart. But she gave us

568
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,600
Speaker 4: basically the tools. We realized, if you really want to

569
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,960
Speaker 4: get into it, that as couples we were stuck in

570
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,679
Speaker 4: the same patterns from like the beginning of our relationship.

571
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:34,000
Speaker 4: And there's two sort of things. One we met she

572
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:36,800
Speaker 4: was in the audience, I was on stage. So even

573
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,480
Speaker 4: though there's never been a hierarchy between us, there's never

574
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:43,240
Speaker 4: been like a dominant one. But because of that she

575
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,160
Speaker 4: had a day job, I was following my dreams. That

576
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:48,840
Speaker 4: pattern became very established in our lives, where like, she

577
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:52,760
Speaker 4: basically makes sacrifices for me, and we'd been living that

578
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,800
Speaker 4: for over ten years. That thing where it wasn't equal,

579
00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:58,160
Speaker 4: it was kind of one way. And the other thing

580
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,840
Speaker 4: is when she got sick, which we you know, we

581
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:03,919
Speaker 4: made a movie called The Big Sick about it, and

582
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:08,520
Speaker 4: it's mentioned in the special when she got sick. That

583
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 4: pattern that developed from that ultimately ended up being replayed

584
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:17,040
Speaker 4: over and over and over and over in our relationship.

585
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,000
Speaker 4: And we didn't realize that. We thought we were over it,

586
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,400
Speaker 4: but it wasn't until talking to the therapist we were like, oh,

587
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:25,840
Speaker 4: all our all of our problems go back to those

588
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:29,560
Speaker 4: two things. One that she sort of sacrifices herself for

589
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:34,399
Speaker 4: my needs and goals. And two I sort of feel

590
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,440
Speaker 4: like I need to control her so she won't get

591
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:38,000
Speaker 4: sick again.

592
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:44,320
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that's really interesting. And how do you address that?

593
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,920
Speaker 4: I think trust. I have to trust that she understands

594
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:51,119
Speaker 4: how to not make herself get sick. I was just

595
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:54,360
Speaker 4: very judgmental when she was like, you know, be out

596
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,960
Speaker 4: late at night or whatever, where I was like, any

597
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 4: of these things can trigger another episode, how dare you

598
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,879
Speaker 4: do this to yourself? Like that was the thinking, that

599
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:05,720
Speaker 4: was the feeling, and it just got to and she's

600
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:07,480
Speaker 4: been for years being like you have to trust me

601
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,720
Speaker 4: in hower to take care of myself over and over,

602
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:13,200
Speaker 4: but understanding that, like, oh that's what this is. It's

603
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:16,879
Speaker 4: really it's really about trust, That's what it was. And

604
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,680
Speaker 4: the other thing we did was, you know, as traditionally

605
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:23,640
Speaker 4: a very closed off man, there was just a lot

606
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,000
Speaker 4: of times I would not admit things to her, like

607
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,040
Speaker 4: if I'm starting a new job, I'm nervous. Am I

608
00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:29,760
Speaker 4: good enough? Or they're going to find out I suck?

609
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,439
Speaker 4: Whatever it is. I would keep that to myself and

610
00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:35,720
Speaker 4: I was just really anxious all the time. And then

611
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,160
Speaker 4: I started like really telling her like, Hey, I'm starting

612
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:40,280
Speaker 4: this new job and I'm really scared, and I thought

613
00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:43,080
Speaker 4: saying it out loud would make that thing more real.

614
00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:45,440
Speaker 4: It's the opposite. It makes it less, it takes its

615
00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:49,280
Speaker 4: power away. And then we did this thing where I

616
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:51,400
Speaker 4: think for a couple months, every day we had to

617
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:54,560
Speaker 4: share three vulnerable things about ourselves that we had not

618
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:58,280
Speaker 4: told the other person about, big thing, small things, whatever

619
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:02,480
Speaker 4: it is, and that really really helped. And now the

620
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:06,959
Speaker 4: goal between us truly is one hundred percent transparency, Like

621
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,800
Speaker 4: and that could be you know, I'm scared, or it

622
00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:12,720
Speaker 4: could be like, hey, I was at this place with

623
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,720
Speaker 4: this girl hit on me like all everything we say everything.

624
00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:17,840
Speaker 2: Wow, and how does that?

625
00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:21,760
Speaker 1: So I'm sure that makes their relationship even stronger. It's

626
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:25,480
Speaker 1: interesting what you just said about naming something and saying

627
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,920
Speaker 1: it out loud, because you know, there's a philosophy a

628
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:31,040
Speaker 1: lot of people have that whatever you focus is on

629
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:34,040
Speaker 1: get gets bigger, right, or whatever you focus on gets bigger,

630
00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:37,240
Speaker 1: and actually even saying something out loud.

631
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:37,960
Speaker 2: Can make it bigger.

632
00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:40,840
Speaker 1: But I also am of the same I subscribe to

633
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 1: the same philosophy you do that when you do say

634
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:45,080
Speaker 1: it out loud, it also can dissipate.

635
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:49,040
Speaker 2: So it's interesting because Catherine, this has come up a

636
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:49,840
Speaker 2: lot on the show.

637
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,720
Speaker 1: You know, like whatever you focus on gets bigger, Like

638
00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:55,320
Speaker 1: if you're obsessing over something like Camail. I guess this

639
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,320
Speaker 1: applies to keeping it in because like Cameil, if you're

640
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:01,280
Speaker 1: obsessing about being not good enough for a role or

641
00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:03,000
Speaker 1: are you gonna fit in or is the director gonna

642
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:06,240
Speaker 1: think you're you know, good enough, if you're focusing and

643
00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:08,880
Speaker 1: hyper focusing on that, then that will get bigger and

644
00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:11,840
Speaker 1: you will kind of it will impact your performance. But

645
00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:15,480
Speaker 1: I guess by saying it out loud, there's a way

646
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:16,560
Speaker 1: that you can release that.

647
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:20,720
Speaker 4: Yeah, and you're inviting another voice into the conversation because

648
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:24,600
Speaker 4: otherwise it's not silence. It's you talking to yourself. Judge,

649
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:28,840
Speaker 4: you know, you know myself talk towards myself has traditionally

650
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 4: been so negative. Like I heard someone else say this,

651
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:33,880
Speaker 4: like if my friends talk to me this way, I

652
00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:36,480
Speaker 4: would not be friends with them anymore. And so it's

653
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:40,120
Speaker 4: not silence. It is a it's a dialogue. It's a monologue,

654
00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:43,080
Speaker 4: just me saying all this shit to myself, inviting another

655
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:46,800
Speaker 4: voice into it to counter that was really really helpful

656
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:48,480
Speaker 4: because she can bring perspective, you know.

657
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:52,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, So talk to me about your two other projects.

658
00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 1: You have a movie, Ellen mackay, and you have a

659
00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:56,880
Speaker 1: show a TV showed Fallout.

660
00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 4: So Ellen McKay is a movie directed by Jims l So.

661
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:02,680
Speaker 4: It's one of my favorite filmmakers. I mean, you know,

662
00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:05,040
Speaker 4: in terms of endearment, Broadcast News.

663
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:07,240
Speaker 1: Terms of Endearment as my favorite movie of all time.

664
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:11,240
Speaker 1: There is no way to get through that movie. It's

665
00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:13,320
Speaker 1: like watching Hamnet. Have you seen Hamnet?

666
00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:15,240
Speaker 4: Yet? But yeah, oh.

667
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:18,200
Speaker 2: God, I mean, I just love when something makes me ball.

668
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:19,480
Speaker 2: I was watching it.

669
00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:21,080
Speaker 1: I'm up in my house and Whistler and I was

670
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:23,920
Speaker 1: watching it last night and I was just bawling on

671
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,160
Speaker 1: the sofa and my dog Doug kept coming over.

672
00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:29,280
Speaker 2: But I love crying like that. It's such a release,

673
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:30,680
Speaker 2: It truly is.

674
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:30,960
Speaker 4: Yeah.

675
00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:32,560
Speaker 2: Terms of Endearment is the same.

676
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,120
Speaker 1: There is no way that hospital scene with Debah Winger

677
00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:37,680
Speaker 1: saying goodbye to her children that you can keep your

678
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:39,520
Speaker 1: shit together and if you do your fucking evil.

679
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:42,840
Speaker 4: That part was she's telling the sun is angry, and

680
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:46,320
Speaker 4: she's telling him like, I know you love me, You're

681
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:49,719
Speaker 4: gonna beat yourself up over this. Don't you're being shitty

682
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:52,640
Speaker 4: to me right now, but I know you love me.

683
00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:56,280
Speaker 4: That's such a good guy right now, I know. I

684
00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:58,480
Speaker 4: asked Jim the director about it, and he's like, that

685
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,800
Speaker 4: scene is why I made the mo so I could

686
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:05,719
Speaker 4: film that scene. Yeah, it's beautiful, and so he directed it.

687
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,480
Speaker 4: And it's got a wildcast. It's got Albert Brooks and

688
00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:11,240
Speaker 4: Jamie Lee Curtis and Emma Mackie plays the lead and

689
00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:15,720
Speaker 4: she's phenomenal, Jack Loud and Woody Harrelson. I don't know

690
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 4: if I mentioned Jamie Lee kurt Anyway, it's incredible cast.

691
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:21,600
Speaker 4: I have not seen the film yet, but that one

692
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:23,880
Speaker 4: was just like, you know, got to meet a bunch

693
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:27,600
Speaker 4: of my heroes and really really really exciting. And then

694
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:30,000
Speaker 4: Fallout is a TV show based on a video game.

695
00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:32,720
Speaker 4: Video game I love, and I love the first season

696
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:35,840
Speaker 4: of the show. I'm in season two for a few episodes.

697
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,560
Speaker 4: And the creator of that one of the creators of

698
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:40,520
Speaker 4: the TV show was a guy who wrote for Silicon

699
00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:42,720
Speaker 4: Valley and before that he wrote for Portland Ya. And

700
00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:44,840
Speaker 4: I just made this decision a few years ago where

701
00:32:44,840 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 4: I was like, I'm just gonna be shameless about this.

702
00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 4: I watched the first season. I texted him and I

703
00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:50,680
Speaker 4: was like, hey, man, I love the show. If you

704
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:53,240
Speaker 4: ever got anything, let me know. I just asked people

705
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:56,000
Speaker 4: directly that I like want to work with them. And

706
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:57,960
Speaker 4: then a couple of weeks later he just called me

707
00:32:58,000 --> 00:32:59,640
Speaker 4: and he was like, hey, I got this part he

708
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:01,280
Speaker 4: pitched to me. He's like, do you want to do it?

709
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,600
Speaker 4: And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'll do it. And

710
00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:06,560
Speaker 4: that's what that was really really fun.

711
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:08,640
Speaker 2: Oh wow, I like that. Yeah.

712
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:11,000
Speaker 1: I like asking people directly too for things. It just

713
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:12,000
Speaker 1: cuts out the middleman.

714
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:14,719
Speaker 4: Yeah, and then you know, like you know, if they

715
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:16,479
Speaker 4: don't want you in it, they won't put you in it.

716
00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:17,320
Speaker 4: And that's fine too.

717
00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:19,880
Speaker 1: Do you feel like, since you've been in this industry

718
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:21,800
Speaker 1: now for a good amount of time, do you feel

719
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:24,240
Speaker 1: like your confidence has You've gained a lot of confidence?

720
00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 4: Oh? What a good question. You know, I've never felt confident.

721
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:31,720
Speaker 4: I did this show years ago and one of the

722
00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:34,920
Speaker 4: other guests was like, and this is going to sound

723
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:37,320
Speaker 4: like a negative question, and it wasn't. She was like,

724
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:40,120
Speaker 4: how are you so confident? And it does sound negative.

725
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:43,360
Speaker 4: I was like, Oh, I guess that's something I project

726
00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:47,640
Speaker 4: And at that time, especially, I did not feel confident.

727
00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:50,360
Speaker 4: I just sort of seemed confident, I guess because so

728
00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:53,040
Speaker 4: much of my life was like it sort of comes

729
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:55,480
Speaker 4: from wanting to be a man and not feeling like

730
00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:58,760
Speaker 4: a man. Like I changed my walk, you know, I

731
00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:01,040
Speaker 4: changed the way I talk when I was a little kid,

732
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:03,280
Speaker 4: like I wanted to be more manly. So I think

733
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,360
Speaker 4: it sort of comes from that. I feel more confident

734
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:09,600
Speaker 4: now in that in the last few years, I've learned that,

735
00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:13,040
Speaker 4: like I was saying earlier, the limitations I've put on

736
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,200
Speaker 4: myself were just exactly that I'd put them on myself.

737
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:19,480
Speaker 4: And I've grown more confident in my ability to in

738
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:22,600
Speaker 4: my ability to learn things and to learn things from

739
00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:25,000
Speaker 4: the people around me, you know. So I would say

740
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:29,360
Speaker 4: that's really it's not confidence, it's a more I trust

741
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:33,080
Speaker 4: myself to be able to pick things up because I

742
00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:35,719
Speaker 4: know I can work really hard, like I've always had

743
00:34:35,719 --> 00:34:37,360
Speaker 4: that since I was a little kid. I was like,

744
00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:40,360
Speaker 4: I'm not the smartest, I'm not the best at sports,

745
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:42,600
Speaker 4: I'm not the best looking, but I can work harder

746
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:45,520
Speaker 4: than anybody else. And so that's kind of where my

747
00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:48,680
Speaker 4: I guess confidence comes from, is my ability to learn

748
00:34:48,719 --> 00:34:51,040
Speaker 4: and my desire to learn, and also just knowing that

749
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:51,720
Speaker 4: I can work.

750
00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:54,480
Speaker 2: Really hard and your traps and they come from your traps.

751
00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:56,239
Speaker 1: And we're going to take a break and we're going

752
00:34:56,320 --> 00:35:02,240
Speaker 1: to come back and do some calls with Kamail Nanjianni.

753
00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:08,600
Speaker 2: And we're back with Knal nan Gianni. Let's go, Catherine,

754
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:09,280
Speaker 2: what do we got?

755
00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:10,120
Speaker 3: Okay?

756
00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:13,799
Speaker 5: Well, our first caller is Dylan and he's twenty eight.

757
00:35:14,719 --> 00:35:17,759
Speaker 5: Dear Chelsea, I started dating this guy this year and

758
00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:20,040
Speaker 5: things have been going great. I drive an hour and

759
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:22,120
Speaker 5: a half multiple times a week just to see him.

760
00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:24,600
Speaker 5: I never ask for gas, money or anything, and I

761
00:35:24,640 --> 00:35:27,360
Speaker 5: do it because I genuinely care about him. He always

762
00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:30,359
Speaker 5: tries his best to make me happy and constantly tells

763
00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:33,080
Speaker 5: me he loves me. Until today I felt the same.

764
00:35:33,719 --> 00:35:35,960
Speaker 5: I brought my dog over to his house, which he

765
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,840
Speaker 5: said was totally fine, but when we arrived, his entire

766
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 5: mood suddenly shifted. He got all quiet and weird, and

767
00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:44,319
Speaker 5: suddenly he started telling me that my dog was no

768
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:46,880
Speaker 5: longer welcome in his house and that he's interrupting his

769
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:47,800
Speaker 5: space and peace.

770
00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:49,320
Speaker 3: I immediately left.

771
00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,319
Speaker 5: There are some cultural differences between us, but my dog

772
00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 5: is my best friend and has been with me through

773
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:55,760
Speaker 5: everything over the past five years.

774
00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:59,400
Speaker 3: My dog is not going anywhere. Is this a deal breaker? Ps?

775
00:35:59,440 --> 00:35:59,960
Speaker 3: I'm a people.

776
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:03,480
Speaker 5: Please our learning boundaries. Thanks Dylan and Dylan. I think

777
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:04,799
Speaker 5: has some updates for us too.

778
00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:08,800
Speaker 1: Hi, Dylan, this is Kamail, not Gioannny, our special guest.

779
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:11,239
Speaker 6: Hey, nice to meet you guys. Thanks for having me.

780
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:13,880
Speaker 2: Sure what are your updates?

781
00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:14,319
Speaker 4: So?

782
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:17,600
Speaker 7: Okay, I found out he's been married for like I

783
00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:20,000
Speaker 7: don't know how long. He never told me, but he

784
00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:21,759
Speaker 7: told me like eight months in and I was like,

785
00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:23,359
Speaker 7: why do you tell me now? And he was like, oh,

786
00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:26,200
Speaker 7: you seem like you're level headed. And I didn't go

787
00:36:26,239 --> 00:36:28,880
Speaker 7: off like I normally would. I've tried to grow, you know,

788
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,720
Speaker 7: as I get older, But I was like, why wouldn't

789
00:36:31,719 --> 00:36:33,040
Speaker 7: you tell me? And he was like, it's not a

790
00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:34,319
Speaker 7: big deal, Like where are you mad?

791
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:35,359
Speaker 1: What? Wait?

792
00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:35,600
Speaker 4: Wait?

793
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:38,719
Speaker 2: Was he had he been married or is he's married now?

794
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:42,879
Speaker 7: He's still married technically, but it's it's for like he said,

795
00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:47,040
Speaker 7: for the documentation, but he kept it a secret. So

796
00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:49,799
Speaker 7: I'm like, if we're being honest, which we told each

797
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:52,799
Speaker 7: other like in the beginning, like that's what we're gonna do.

798
00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:55,400
Speaker 7: I was like, that's a big thing that you should

799
00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:57,120
Speaker 7: tell me in the beginning, you know what I mean.

800
00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:00,279
Speaker 4: Yeah, I had the balls for him to be like,

801
00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:03,839
Speaker 4: why are you upset that I'm married and didn't tell you?

802
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:07,000
Speaker 7: Yeah? And he actually like so nonchalant about it. And

803
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:09,360
Speaker 7: I was like, that's a huge thing to me, because

804
00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:11,200
Speaker 7: like I've been nothing but honest with him.

805
00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:14,719
Speaker 1: Well, it's a huge thing to anyone. Yes, absolutely, him

806
00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:17,920
Speaker 1: being nonchalant about it is him like trying to like

807
00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:20,239
Speaker 1: dial down your reaction to that.

808
00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:22,680
Speaker 3: Yes, like he wouldn't get married.

809
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:26,719
Speaker 1: I also, you know, have STDs just herpies, Like it's

810
00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:28,239
Speaker 1: just like throwing something.

811
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:28,800
Speaker 2: Under the carpet.

812
00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:33,319
Speaker 4: I have a follow up, two follow ups. Yes, you

813
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:37,279
Speaker 4: said cultural differences. What do you mean by that he's Punjabi?

814
00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:40,480
Speaker 4: I was gonna ask if he's Indian or Pakistani? And

815
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:43,680
Speaker 4: so there's a couple of things there. One at least

816
00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:48,759
Speaker 4: pakistanis we don't have dogs as pets, like that's very

817
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:52,319
Speaker 4: very rare. And I grew up with dogs on the

818
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:56,440
Speaker 4: streets of Karachi, like rabbit dogs chasing me. So I

819
00:37:56,600 --> 00:37:59,520
Speaker 4: was scared of dogs and did not like dogs until

820
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:01,759
Speaker 4: I moved here. And then a few years ago and

821
00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:04,320
Speaker 4: now I love all animals and I love dogs as well.

822
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:08,120
Speaker 4: It took a while to reset that relationship, and so

823
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:11,280
Speaker 4: I think for specifically the dog part of the equation,

824
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:17,080
Speaker 4: it's just he needs to like understand and get over

825
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:20,640
Speaker 4: it because it's not coming from him. It is genuinely

826
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:23,640
Speaker 4: a cultural thing and that stuff takes some deprogramming.

827
00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:27,399
Speaker 7: Another big thing is he works seven days a week,

828
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:31,080
Speaker 7: like thirteen hours, and like I've told I've asked, like

829
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:33,480
Speaker 7: can I get one day of your time? And He'll

830
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:36,400
Speaker 7: be like, yeah, I promise, and it never happens. So

831
00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:39,600
Speaker 7: like he's so family focused, which I love, but he's

832
00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:42,319
Speaker 7: convinced that like if he doesn't support his family, like

833
00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:45,200
Speaker 7: something's bad is going to happen. And in doing so,

834
00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:48,440
Speaker 7: he's pushed me away, like he's not willing to put

835
00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:51,040
Speaker 7: in the effort. Like I feel like I want him

836
00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:54,240
Speaker 7: to understand me and everything, but he doesn't even understand

837
00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:57,359
Speaker 7: or know himself. He hasn't had the time because it's

838
00:38:57,400 --> 00:38:58,880
Speaker 7: so like survival focused.

839
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:01,600
Speaker 4: Well, let me ask you this, is he married to

840
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:05,760
Speaker 4: a woman, yes, And is it like a visa situation.

841
00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:06,640
Speaker 6: He had I believe.

842
00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:09,560
Speaker 7: So he's been kind of quiet he hasn't really filled

843
00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:11,520
Speaker 7: me in a lot on it, but he's not like

844
00:39:11,640 --> 00:39:12,920
Speaker 7: romantically with her.

845
00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:16,320
Speaker 4: Yeah, so that's a thing that happens where people marry

846
00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:19,440
Speaker 4: for green cards and then it really is like a

847
00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:23,120
Speaker 4: business relationship. So I see, he should have still told

848
00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:26,680
Speaker 4: you from the beginning because in his head this relationship

849
00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:30,759
Speaker 4: is different from the way the relationship is to the

850
00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:32,799
Speaker 4: way it sounds is different than it is in his head.

851
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:34,880
Speaker 4: In his head, it truly isn't a big deal. He

852
00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:37,000
Speaker 4: should have told you. I'm not apologizing for him, but

853
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:41,880
Speaker 4: I know this situation. The other thing is he so

854
00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:44,640
Speaker 4: he has like a Punjabi Indian family. Have you ever

855
00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:45,320
Speaker 4: met them?

856
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:49,160
Speaker 7: No, But he's told his cousins that he has a girlfriend.

857
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:51,000
Speaker 7: So I'm the girlfriend in his mind.

858
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:55,080
Speaker 4: So see that's the other thing. Is sorry, Chelsea, I

859
00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:56,200
Speaker 4: feel like I'm really monigious.

860
00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:59,080
Speaker 2: It's like, first of all, I had no idea. You

861
00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:02,680
Speaker 2: had esp so this is perfect. He's like a pod reader.

862
00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:05,440
Speaker 4: Well I just have been see this like for me,

863
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:09,360
Speaker 4: you know, my wife is white. My brother is getting

864
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:13,400
Speaker 4: married to a white person next weekend. It took, it

865
00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:17,440
Speaker 4: really took. I hid from my parents that I was

866
00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:21,200
Speaker 4: dating her, and because culturally, it's not okay. And it

867
00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:24,400
Speaker 4: didn't come out until my wife got really sick, like

868
00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:27,000
Speaker 4: when we were first dating, and at that point I

869
00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:30,439
Speaker 4: was just too emotionally exhausted to not tell them about her,

870
00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:33,680
Speaker 4: and that's what prompted it. Otherwise I don't know how

871
00:40:33,719 --> 00:40:36,360
Speaker 4: long it would have taken. So I think that's the

872
00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:39,359
Speaker 4: stuff he may not be out to his family. And

873
00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:42,319
Speaker 4: if he isn't out to his family, yeah, so you know,

874
00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:45,640
Speaker 4: there's like a weird thing here again not taking his side.

875
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:49,160
Speaker 4: Emily took years to figure out that she's never going

876
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:53,239
Speaker 4: to understand the cultural the relationship that we have with

877
00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:55,680
Speaker 4: our culture and the relationship we have with our parents

878
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:58,720
Speaker 4: and family because of our culture. And this is something

879
00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:01,840
Speaker 4: that I'm seeing my brother who's now about to get married,

880
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:07,120
Speaker 4: I'm seeing his fiance dealing with it. Or you're trying

881
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:10,400
Speaker 4: to sort of understand this stuff. And at some point

882
00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:14,160
Speaker 4: for Emily it was like you just have to accept it.

883
00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:16,759
Speaker 4: There's some stuff that you just do not have access to,

884
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:19,040
Speaker 4: Like there are so many things that I can't be

885
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:22,440
Speaker 4: honest in front of my parents about and she's like, well,

886
00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,560
Speaker 4: it's going to be complete honesty, and I'm like it's

887
00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:27,719
Speaker 4: really not like that, Like it really isn't It's kind

888
00:41:27,719 --> 00:41:31,879
Speaker 4: of impossible. So for him coming out, you know, that's

889
00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:35,120
Speaker 4: a personal journey, like somebody. People have to decide when

890
00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:37,600
Speaker 4: they're ready to do that. Of course he's being a

891
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:42,400
Speaker 4: coward about it, but it's I would say, it's sadly,

892
00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:44,040
Speaker 4: got nothing to do with you. It's got to do

893
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:48,040
Speaker 4: with his own situation, and it is a complicated situation,

894
00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:50,759
Speaker 4: and of course he should come out. But there's a

895
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:54,479
Speaker 4: lot at play culturally, Like this is like heavy old shit,

896
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:54,880
Speaker 4: you know.

897
00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:58,640
Speaker 7: Yeah, Like for me, I don't mind that, Like he's

898
00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:01,439
Speaker 7: not out to his family. It's more like he keeps

899
00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:04,120
Speaker 7: telling me I'll make time for you, and it's like

900
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,239
Speaker 7: the empty promises, Like I keep getting resentments for him,

901
00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:09,719
Speaker 7: and I don't want that. It's not good for him

902
00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:10,120
Speaker 7: or me.

903
00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:12,799
Speaker 4: No, that's fear too, you know. It's it's how I

904
00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:15,000
Speaker 4: was with Emily when we were first dating. I was

905
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,520
Speaker 4: scared of getting too close to her. We had this rule.

906
00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:20,279
Speaker 4: Emily mentioned it to me two days ago. We were

907
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:22,400
Speaker 4: laying in bed in the morning and she was like,

908
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:24,600
Speaker 4: remember when you had this rule that we couldn't see

909
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:26,640
Speaker 4: each other two days in a row and I was like,

910
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:29,359
Speaker 4: oh my god, why did you put up with this?

911
00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 4: And seriously, yeah, it was fear. It was fear. I

912
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:36,239
Speaker 4: was scared, like if I get too close to her

913
00:42:36,239 --> 00:42:39,200
Speaker 4: that I have to tell my parents. And my parents

914
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:42,920
Speaker 4: accepted her and they're wonderful and they're very close. But

915
00:42:43,040 --> 00:42:47,120
Speaker 4: with some families from Pakistan India, the threat of being

916
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:50,440
Speaker 4: excommunicated from the family is very real. Like I lose

917
00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:54,000
Speaker 4: situations where they're like they just never talked to each other.

918
00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:56,279
Speaker 7: Again. Yeah, I have a lot of friends that are

919
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:59,040
Speaker 7: like Hindu and sick, so like I get that, but

920
00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:02,400
Speaker 7: like I struggle with I feel like I do everything

921
00:43:02,440 --> 00:43:04,560
Speaker 7: for him, and I mean I do it because I

922
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:07,200
Speaker 7: want to, but also there comes a point where you

923
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:09,200
Speaker 7: got to you have to meet somebody in the middle.

924
00:43:09,719 --> 00:43:12,040
Speaker 7: And I feel like he cares about me, but like

925
00:43:12,600 --> 00:43:15,759
Speaker 7: he's also like his behavior is like I don't care.

926
00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:17,520
Speaker 4: How long have you guys been together?

927
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:21,480
Speaker 7: A little over nine months, that's one. But he asked

928
00:43:21,520 --> 00:43:23,840
Speaker 7: me out and in my mind, like now, I'm like,

929
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:26,040
Speaker 7: why would you do that if you know you're not

930
00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:31,480
Speaker 7: emotionally developed or ready. I think he lacked that because

931
00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:33,640
Speaker 7: I called him crying the other night, and he was like,

932
00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:35,080
Speaker 7: I'm not going to talk to you if you're crying.

933
00:43:35,120 --> 00:43:35,919
Speaker 6: He's like, I'll thought.

934
00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:38,000
Speaker 7: He was like, I hang up on my mom when

935
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,480
Speaker 7: she's crying. I don't want to deal with that.

936
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:44,880
Speaker 4: Well, so I guess there's two. There's two things here. One,

937
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:48,759
Speaker 4: a lot of this behavior has nothing to do with you.

938
00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:51,040
Speaker 4: It feels like he has some personal growth to do

939
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:53,560
Speaker 4: and a lot of cultural stuff to deal with that

940
00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:56,800
Speaker 4: can only be dealt with once he's achieved that personal

941
00:43:56,800 --> 00:44:00,480
Speaker 4: growth mm hm. And two, I guess you decide whether

942
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:02,640
Speaker 4: that's something you want to hang around for.

943
00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:06,439
Speaker 7: Yeah, Like, he's such a good person, but I don't

944
00:44:06,480 --> 00:44:07,960
Speaker 7: know how much I can deal with more.

945
00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:10,480
Speaker 1: Listen, Kamal has shed a lot of light on this

946
00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:12,440
Speaker 1: a lot of light that I would not have been

947
00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:14,520
Speaker 1: able to shed. So I'm very grateful that he's here

948
00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:17,680
Speaker 1: to help you today. So Catherine, great for lining up

949
00:44:17,719 --> 00:44:21,000
Speaker 1: these questions specific also for this episode where we have

950
00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:25,040
Speaker 1: someone who is more well versed in all of this cultural.

951
00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:25,759
Speaker 2: Stuff that you have to deal with.

952
00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:29,000
Speaker 1: So while you can have come compassion for him and

953
00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:32,759
Speaker 1: understand that his culture is plays such a big role

954
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:35,759
Speaker 1: in his life, his relationship with his family all of

955
00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:39,320
Speaker 1: these things, even the relationship with dogs, like Kamail telling

956
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,919
Speaker 1: us that is like it really sheds a lot of light,

957
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:45,080
Speaker 1: but it doesn't really excuse it doesn't really make you.

958
00:44:45,080 --> 00:44:47,480
Speaker 1: You're not there just to wait until he starts to

959
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:50,120
Speaker 1: get his shit together. There's a couple of things that

960
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:53,719
Speaker 1: are not really tolerable. One is like an unwilling to

961
00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:56,759
Speaker 1: be open to trying to understand your relationship with your

962
00:44:56,800 --> 00:45:00,120
Speaker 1: animal because that's your dog is not going anywhere. The

963
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:03,239
Speaker 1: other thing that is real, like really not acceptable is

964
00:45:03,520 --> 00:45:05,680
Speaker 1: for you to be upset and him not to be

965
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:10,240
Speaker 1: able to have the emotional bandwidth to deal with your upsetness,

966
00:45:10,600 --> 00:45:13,040
Speaker 1: Like you crying can't be a reason for him to

967
00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:13,799
Speaker 1: hang the phone up.

968
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:15,560
Speaker 2: So I think like.

969
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:18,480
Speaker 1: There are some boundaries that he's crossed that it might

970
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:21,160
Speaker 1: be helpful for you to write it write down rather

971
00:45:21,239 --> 00:45:24,279
Speaker 1: than having a conversation about and saying these are the

972
00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:27,080
Speaker 1: things that I'm not okay with. It's been nine months.

973
00:45:27,200 --> 00:45:30,120
Speaker 1: I understand culturally even you know, relay what you learned

974
00:45:30,160 --> 00:45:33,080
Speaker 1: on this phone call, but also just say like these

975
00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:35,719
Speaker 1: are kind of things that are non negotiable for me.

976
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:40,120
Speaker 1: So if you can't make the effort like to actually

977
00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:43,160
Speaker 1: figure out how we can take the next steps and

978
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:47,200
Speaker 1: you can be more open to my personality, to my lifestyle,

979
00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:50,200
Speaker 1: to my culture where we can kind of join our

980
00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:53,279
Speaker 1: cultures together. Then there's a lot of red flags here,

981
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:55,560
Speaker 1: and I understand where you come from, but you also

982
00:45:55,640 --> 00:45:56,600
Speaker 1: need to do some work.

983
00:45:57,440 --> 00:45:59,879
Speaker 7: Yeah, I need to get it together.

984
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:03,719
Speaker 4: Because well, like not you him, he needs to get

985
00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:04,080
Speaker 4: it Yeah.

986
00:46:04,239 --> 00:46:05,439
Speaker 6: True, but you.

987
00:46:05,360 --> 00:46:07,800
Speaker 1: Do need to get it together too, because you're letting

988
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:12,200
Speaker 1: somebody be craven around you, like yeah, cowardly, and you're

989
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:15,640
Speaker 1: letting them cross into your emotional space and it's it's

990
00:46:15,680 --> 00:46:18,680
Speaker 1: not making you feel good. So you have to actually

991
00:46:18,719 --> 00:46:21,280
Speaker 1: set a boundary and if he can meet it, great,

992
00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:23,520
Speaker 1: If he can meet it and say, okay, I'm ready

993
00:46:23,560 --> 00:46:24,240
Speaker 1: to do the work.

994
00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:26,880
Speaker 2: You know, this has been nine months. We've been you know,

995
00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:28,960
Speaker 2: shown that we have a lot to work towards and

996
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:32,840
Speaker 2: build on. Great. But if he can't, then that's your answer.

997
00:46:33,160 --> 00:46:34,680
Speaker 6: I don't know if he's willing to put in the work.

998
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:36,640
Speaker 7: And I think I think I know in my heart

999
00:46:36,680 --> 00:46:39,200
Speaker 7: what I need to do, But it's that people pleasing

1000
00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:40,880
Speaker 7: part of me that like wants to hold on to

1001
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:44,800
Speaker 7: the littlest thing but in doing so, I hurt myself

1002
00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:45,879
Speaker 7: and it's not worth it.

1003
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:49,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to be If you're not advocating for yourself,

1004
00:46:49,480 --> 00:46:53,160
Speaker 1: no one will. So you really have to prioritize yourself

1005
00:46:53,160 --> 00:46:55,880
Speaker 1: in every relationship that you have to be the best,

1006
00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:59,000
Speaker 1: to be the most honest, to be compassionate, to be empathetic.

1007
00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:01,360
Speaker 1: All of the things that you're bringing to the table

1008
00:47:01,640 --> 00:47:02,480
Speaker 1: you need returned.

1009
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:05,560
Speaker 4: I was gonna say, I mean, you know, him not

1010
00:47:05,840 --> 00:47:08,200
Speaker 4: being able to talk to you when you are crying,

1011
00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:11,480
Speaker 4: says about he's terrified of his own emotions. Obviously he

1012
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:13,839
Speaker 4: doesn't know how to deal with that. That can come

1013
00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:18,040
Speaker 4: from cultural stuff. But it's like Chelsea's saying, part of

1014
00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:20,520
Speaker 4: me when I became a grown up one of the things.

1015
00:47:20,560 --> 00:47:23,200
Speaker 4: And this is going to sound this is not applicable

1016
00:47:23,239 --> 00:47:27,040
Speaker 4: to your current situation, but I realized, like, just because

1017
00:47:27,080 --> 00:47:29,560
Speaker 4: I know this is again not to your situation, just

1018
00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:32,840
Speaker 4: because I know why someone sucks doesn't mean they don't suck. So,

1019
00:47:33,040 --> 00:47:35,320
Speaker 4: for instance, I would see someone who is a dick

1020
00:47:35,360 --> 00:47:37,160
Speaker 4: and I'd be like, oh, it's because you're like scared

1021
00:47:37,200 --> 00:47:40,160
Speaker 4: of this other thing. Doesn't matter. You're still affecting me

1022
00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:42,200
Speaker 4: the same way, And you got to deal with your shit.

1023
00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:45,680
Speaker 4: And I look at every relationship I have in my life,

1024
00:47:45,840 --> 00:47:50,160
Speaker 4: romantic friends, whatever, very practically I look at it and

1025
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:52,240
Speaker 4: I think, am I putting in more than I'm getting

1026
00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:54,279
Speaker 4: out of this? And obviously there are times where your

1027
00:47:54,280 --> 00:47:56,680
Speaker 4: friends are going through the thing, you know, and there's

1028
00:47:56,680 --> 00:47:59,960
Speaker 4: an imbalance, and that's totally fine. But overall I've had

1029
00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:02,759
Speaker 4: I've ended friendships because I'm like, it's been years and

1030
00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:05,120
Speaker 4: I've just put in more than I get out and

1031
00:48:05,160 --> 00:48:07,040
Speaker 4: I just have to end this friendship. And I think

1032
00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:09,720
Speaker 4: it's extra truth for romantic situations.

1033
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:13,080
Speaker 7: Yeah, no, I completely agree with you there. I think

1034
00:48:13,239 --> 00:48:15,359
Speaker 7: just sticking to what I know and what I need

1035
00:48:15,400 --> 00:48:17,319
Speaker 7: to do is going to be something I need to

1036
00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:20,040
Speaker 7: focus on, especially like if I want to be happy

1037
00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:22,000
Speaker 7: and like have a good future, you know what I mean.

1038
00:48:22,360 --> 00:48:25,640
Speaker 1: Absolutely, you set the standards like for how people treat you,

1039
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:28,560
Speaker 1: So I really would advise putting in an email like

1040
00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:32,239
Speaker 1: and really just a thoughtful explanation of where you are

1041
00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:35,120
Speaker 1: and what you expect and if he can't deliver it,

1042
00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:38,160
Speaker 1: no problem. But we're not going to continue in a

1043
00:48:38,239 --> 00:48:39,440
Speaker 1: romantic relationship.

1044
00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:42,279
Speaker 6: No, no resentments. It is what it is, you know,

1045
00:48:42,320 --> 00:48:44,120
Speaker 6: what I mean, no harm, no foul.

1046
00:48:44,400 --> 00:48:47,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, and keep us posted. Will you please let us

1047
00:48:47,920 --> 00:48:48,319
Speaker 2: check in?

1048
00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:50,839
Speaker 6: Yes, I will do a follow up. Thank you guys. Okay,

1049
00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:54,240
Speaker 6: I love meeting you. Bye, thank you guys.

1050
00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:55,279
Speaker 2: We're going to take a.

1051
00:48:55,200 --> 00:48:57,000
Speaker 1: Break and come back and wrap up. Maybe we have

1052
00:48:57,040 --> 00:48:59,960
Speaker 1: a quick one Catherine to wrap up. Yes, okay, great, okay,

1053
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:01,319
Speaker 1: So we'll take a break and we'll be right back

1054
00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:08,880
Speaker 1: with Kameel Gianni and we're back with Kamal Camel. That

1055
00:49:09,040 --> 00:49:12,080
Speaker 1: was very insightful. So first of all, thanks for fucking

1056
00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:14,600
Speaker 1: bringing it, because if you hadn't been here today, I

1057
00:49:14,640 --> 00:49:17,440
Speaker 1: would have been like, yeah, I would have had no compassion.

1058
00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:17,839
Speaker 2: For that other guy.

1059
00:49:18,280 --> 00:49:22,040
Speaker 4: Well, it's I just understand the situation. However, what you

1060
00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:25,359
Speaker 4: said is very right. He's got to figure out what's

1061
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:28,760
Speaker 4: right for himself, whether dealing with all this cultural baggage,

1062
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:32,160
Speaker 4: whatever it is, it's all real. It's there for a reason. However,

1063
00:49:33,040 --> 00:49:35,399
Speaker 4: if this person's not meeting you, they're not meeting you.

1064
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:38,320
Speaker 1: You know it is what it is, right, right, Okay, Catherine,

1065
00:49:38,360 --> 00:49:39,399
Speaker 1: what do we have to close out?

1066
00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:40,239
Speaker 5: All right?

1067
00:49:40,320 --> 00:49:42,640
Speaker 3: Well, I've got a question about tipping.

1068
00:49:42,960 --> 00:49:46,640
Speaker 5: So Regina says, I try to be a good tipper

1069
00:49:46,760 --> 00:49:49,839
Speaker 5: tipping at least but usually over twenty percent. My dad,

1070
00:49:49,880 --> 00:49:54,000
Speaker 5: on the other hand, is a horribly embarrassing tipper. Anytime

1071
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:56,000
Speaker 5: we go out to eat together, I overtip on my

1072
00:49:56,120 --> 00:49:58,239
Speaker 5: bill and hide money under my plate to make up

1073
00:49:58,280 --> 00:50:00,759
Speaker 5: for what he shorts them. A few weeks ago, at

1074
00:50:00,760 --> 00:50:03,360
Speaker 5: a family dinner, tipping was brought up, and I explained

1075
00:50:03,360 --> 00:50:05,720
Speaker 5: that you should tip well, especially if it's a slower

1076
00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:08,160
Speaker 5: day for the restaurant, because of how little way staff

1077
00:50:08,200 --> 00:50:10,239
Speaker 5: are paid by the hour. Minimum wage where we live

1078
00:50:10,320 --> 00:50:13,400
Speaker 5: is two dollars and fifteen cents per hour. He couldn't

1079
00:50:13,440 --> 00:50:15,840
Speaker 5: believe it was so low. He and his girlfriend googled

1080
00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:18,439
Speaker 5: it and were blown away. She even said, Wow, that's

1081
00:50:18,440 --> 00:50:21,279
Speaker 5: not much at all. Fast forward at dinner with him

1082
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:23,880
Speaker 5: and his girlfriend the following week, at a restaurant that

1083
00:50:23,960 --> 00:50:26,920
Speaker 5: I visit weekly, he offered to buy my meal. It

1084
00:50:27,000 --> 00:50:29,160
Speaker 5: was super sweet of him, and I was really thankful.

1085
00:50:29,239 --> 00:50:31,640
Speaker 5: He's known to be really frugal in general, so him

1086
00:50:31,680 --> 00:50:34,640
Speaker 5: offering to buy mine was a pretty big deal. Anyway,

1087
00:50:34,760 --> 00:50:37,960
Speaker 5: after receiving fantastic service, when it came time to tip,

1088
00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:40,200
Speaker 5: he looked at his girlfriend and said, I didn't bring cash,

1089
00:50:40,239 --> 00:50:40,480
Speaker 5: did you?

1090
00:50:40,520 --> 00:50:41,240
Speaker 3: Have tip money.

1091
00:50:41,560 --> 00:50:43,600
Speaker 5: She pulled a thick stack of cash from her purse

1092
00:50:43,640 --> 00:50:46,080
Speaker 5: and handed him a five dollar bill. Our bill was

1093
00:50:46,120 --> 00:50:48,960
Speaker 5: eighty three dollars. Not only did he tip five dollars

1094
00:50:48,960 --> 00:50:51,040
Speaker 5: on an eighty three dollars bill, he called for the

1095
00:50:51,080 --> 00:50:53,759
Speaker 5: waiter and handed him his tip to ensure he got it.

1096
00:50:54,320 --> 00:50:56,759
Speaker 5: I was so embarrassed, so much so that when they

1097
00:50:56,800 --> 00:50:59,320
Speaker 5: were standing up to gather the things to leave, thinking

1098
00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:01,640
Speaker 5: they were distracted, I turned to the waiter and said,

1099
00:51:01,680 --> 00:51:04,160
Speaker 5: my dad's a horrible tipper. I don't have cash on me,

1100
00:51:04,239 --> 00:51:05,360
Speaker 5: but I'll bring some back for you.

1101
00:51:05,800 --> 00:51:06,000
Speaker 4: Well.

1102
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:07,879
Speaker 5: I turned around and my dad and his girlfriend were

1103
00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:10,600
Speaker 5: looking at me with a look of disbelief. They clearly

1104
00:51:10,640 --> 00:51:12,799
Speaker 5: had heard what I said. I could have crawled under

1105
00:51:12,840 --> 00:51:15,440
Speaker 5: the table. I came back later that day and gave

1106
00:51:15,480 --> 00:51:18,200
Speaker 5: the waiter a twenty. Them catching me talking to the

1107
00:51:18,239 --> 00:51:20,560
Speaker 5: waiter has been weighing on me hard, and I feel awful.

1108
00:51:20,880 --> 00:51:22,520
Speaker 3: He was being nice by buying my dinner.

1109
00:51:22,560 --> 00:51:24,600
Speaker 5: We had a great time until the check came, but

1110
00:51:24,719 --> 00:51:26,960
Speaker 5: he knows how I feel about tipping. I eat at

1111
00:51:26,960 --> 00:51:28,880
Speaker 5: this restaurant a lot. I know the waiter well, and

1112
00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:31,399
Speaker 5: I was so embarrassed. Am I the asshole for telling

1113
00:51:31,480 --> 00:51:33,520
Speaker 5: the waiter i'd bring him more money and adding tip

1114
00:51:33,520 --> 00:51:35,759
Speaker 5: money behind my dad's back. I know I should have

1115
00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:38,000
Speaker 5: waited until we left to avoid being caught, and we'll

1116
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:40,239
Speaker 5: do that going forward, But really, should I let it

1117
00:51:40,320 --> 00:51:42,239
Speaker 5: go and move on, or should I tuck my tail

1118
00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:44,120
Speaker 5: and apologize for lying to his face?

1119
00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:45,080
Speaker 3: Ps?

1120
00:51:45,120 --> 00:51:46,880
Speaker 5: My dad is not hurting for money, it's just who

1121
00:51:46,960 --> 00:51:50,919
Speaker 5: he is. Regina, No, Regina, you're totally in the right.

1122
00:51:51,040 --> 00:51:54,239
Speaker 1: In fact, I was gonna say, make sure you humiliate

1123
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:56,759
Speaker 1: him every time you go out to dinner and say,

1124
00:51:56,760 --> 00:51:59,360
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry about my father's tip. Here's an extra

1125
00:51:59,400 --> 00:52:01,959
Speaker 1: twenty dollars to make up for it. My father once

1126
00:52:02,000 --> 00:52:04,440
Speaker 1: came into a restaurant that I was waiting tables in

1127
00:52:04,760 --> 00:52:05,680
Speaker 1: and didn't leave.

1128
00:52:05,520 --> 00:52:06,080
Speaker 2: Me a tip.

1129
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:10,080
Speaker 1: Like that's how vinerious my own father was. And wait,

1130
00:52:10,160 --> 00:52:12,040
Speaker 1: I have an even better story. A few months ago,

1131
00:52:12,080 --> 00:52:15,320
Speaker 1: I was doing some shows in the Hamptons in West Hampton,

1132
00:52:15,640 --> 00:52:18,239
Speaker 1: and we, like my crew, and I went out before right.

1133
00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:20,359
Speaker 2: I had a bunch of friends there and my.

1134
00:52:20,400 --> 00:52:23,239
Speaker 1: Assistant, one of my assistants, was with me, and he

1135
00:52:23,719 --> 00:52:26,440
Speaker 1: always pays right, I get a DM We got to

1136
00:52:26,440 --> 00:52:28,440
Speaker 1: this beautiful dinner they wrote, they send us all this

1137
00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:29,080
Speaker 1: free food.

1138
00:52:29,080 --> 00:52:31,560
Speaker 2: They're so happy we're there. Couldn't have been more pleasant.

1139
00:52:31,840 --> 00:52:33,719
Speaker 1: I get home that night and I'm going through my

1140
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:37,440
Speaker 1: dms on Instagram and the server goes, was something wrong

1141
00:52:37,520 --> 00:52:38,360
Speaker 1: with the service?

1142
00:52:38,719 --> 00:52:42,640
Speaker 2: You only left fifteen percent? And I was like, what, no.

1143
00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:46,040
Speaker 1: I all I do is talk about tipping. And I've

1144
00:52:46,040 --> 00:52:46,760
Speaker 1: been a waitress.

1145
00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:49,799
Speaker 2: I know it. And I've run downstairs to car. We're

1146
00:52:49,840 --> 00:52:52,520
Speaker 2: in the house. I run downstairs, I'm like, go out.

1147
00:52:53,040 --> 00:52:56,160
Speaker 1: You did only ten fifty eight percent at that fucking restaurant.

1148
00:52:56,200 --> 00:52:58,719
Speaker 2: And he's like what what. I'm like, this guy just

1149
00:52:58,840 --> 00:52:59,880
Speaker 2: DM me look.

1150
00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:01,680
Speaker 1: And he's like, oh my god, oh my god. I

1151
00:53:01,719 --> 00:53:03,120
Speaker 1: just tried to add it up quickly in my head

1152
00:53:03,160 --> 00:53:06,000
Speaker 1: to go. You can never tip fifteen percent. It's got

1153
00:53:06,000 --> 00:53:08,960
Speaker 1: to be, especially from someone who could afford it twenty

1154
00:53:09,040 --> 00:53:12,080
Speaker 1: five percent, twenty five percent if you have money. I

1155
00:53:12,200 --> 00:53:15,360
Speaker 1: understand a lot of people don't have excess cash. I

1156
00:53:15,480 --> 00:53:19,040
Speaker 1: get that, but also you have to understand waitresses, servers

1157
00:53:19,120 --> 00:53:22,440
Speaker 1: work on tips. So like he went back, he had

1158
00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:24,680
Speaker 1: to go back with an envelope with more cash. The

1159
00:53:24,719 --> 00:53:27,560
Speaker 1: next day, walk into the restaurant and be like, I'm

1160
00:53:27,600 --> 00:53:29,760
Speaker 1: so sorry, I'm with Chelsea Handler.

1161
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,920
Speaker 2: She got your DM. We're so sorry we did leave me.

1162
00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:35,560
Speaker 2: Thanks for him for reading out too. Wolos goes to me.

1163
00:53:35,920 --> 00:53:38,400
Speaker 2: He goes, I can't believe that guy DMed you. I go,

1164
00:53:38,560 --> 00:53:40,880
Speaker 2: I can. I want him to. I want people to

1165
00:53:40,920 --> 00:53:45,240
Speaker 2: tell me if I'm misbehaving. Absolutely, don't you agree, Kamil.

1166
00:53:45,520 --> 00:53:49,440
Speaker 4: It's better that he dmviewed and didn't tell his friends,

1167
00:53:49,480 --> 00:53:51,840
Speaker 4: Like Chelsea Handler is a bad tipper. Yeah, like this

1168
00:53:52,080 --> 00:53:54,680
Speaker 4: is way better. I could not agree with you more.

1169
00:53:55,560 --> 00:53:57,080
Speaker 4: Fuck that dad, because that was going to be like,

1170
00:53:57,120 --> 00:54:00,560
Speaker 4: maybe it's the financial situation. If he can afford it,

1171
00:54:00,600 --> 00:54:03,719
Speaker 4: you have to tip. Well, it's a hard job. They're

1172
00:54:03,760 --> 00:54:07,120
Speaker 4: bringing you your food. It's a hard job. And I've

1173
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:11,120
Speaker 4: worked in food service, and yeah, especially for us, you know,

1174
00:54:11,160 --> 00:54:13,520
Speaker 4: people know we can afford it. We really have to.

1175
00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:16,880
Speaker 4: But you have to tip at least twenty percent because

1176
00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:18,440
Speaker 4: they don't make a living.

1177
00:54:18,239 --> 00:54:21,759
Speaker 5: Wage otherwise, right, right, twenty percent is like the minimum.

1178
00:54:21,880 --> 00:54:24,200
Speaker 1: And you also are paying taxes. You have to understand

1179
00:54:24,239 --> 00:54:27,160
Speaker 1: servers are paying taxes. If you leave a tip on

1180
00:54:27,239 --> 00:54:30,520
Speaker 1: a credit card, they're paying taxes on the amount that

1181
00:54:30,560 --> 00:54:33,640
Speaker 1: you tip them. So it's always better to leave cash.

1182
00:54:33,880 --> 00:54:36,200
Speaker 1: But keep that in mind, like they're not just getting

1183
00:54:36,200 --> 00:54:38,640
Speaker 1: that tip scott free. They have to pay taxes on

1184
00:54:38,680 --> 00:54:41,399
Speaker 1: that in almost every state, so it varies from state

1185
00:54:41,440 --> 00:54:43,120
Speaker 1: to state and that changes all the time.

1186
00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:45,360
Speaker 2: But just keep that in mind when you are going

1187
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:45,759
Speaker 2: out to.

1188
00:54:45,760 --> 00:54:48,000
Speaker 1: Eat and if you can't afford to tip, order some

1189
00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:50,479
Speaker 1: fucking takeout, then you know, and then you could tip

1190
00:54:50,520 --> 00:54:51,920
Speaker 1: ten percent or fifteen percent.

1191
00:54:52,239 --> 00:54:54,960
Speaker 5: Yeah, And I think one way around this and maybe

1192
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:57,279
Speaker 5: it will sort of like Jyre, something loose for your

1193
00:54:57,360 --> 00:54:59,480
Speaker 5: dad is just to be like, even if you're covering

1194
00:54:59,520 --> 00:55:01,320
Speaker 5: your own meal, I'll be like, let me get tip.

1195
00:55:01,520 --> 00:55:05,560
Speaker 1: I got absolutely to our person that wrote in you

1196
00:55:05,760 --> 00:55:09,040
Speaker 1: should not be apologizing to your father for his bad tipping.

1197
00:55:09,360 --> 00:55:12,200
Speaker 1: He just learned how much they make an hour, which

1198
00:55:12,280 --> 00:55:14,040
Speaker 1: is less than three dollars, and he.

1199
00:55:14,120 --> 00:55:16,600
Speaker 2: Still wanted to tip five dollars on an eighty.

1200
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:19,239
Speaker 1: Three dollars bill. No, why are you putting your tail

1201
00:55:19,280 --> 00:55:21,880
Speaker 1: between your legs. His tail should be between his legs.

1202
00:55:22,040 --> 00:55:24,040
Speaker 1: I would encourage you every time you go out to

1203
00:55:24,040 --> 00:55:26,359
Speaker 1: dinner with your father to take out a twenty dollars

1204
00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:27,760
Speaker 1: and go Dad, you're a terrible tipper.

1205
00:55:27,760 --> 00:55:31,200
Speaker 2: I'm sorry. Like it's embarrassing. That's the truth.

1206
00:55:31,480 --> 00:55:33,440
Speaker 4: When I go out with friends and they're like, I

1207
00:55:33,520 --> 00:55:35,560
Speaker 4: want to cover it, I know which friends. I'm like,

1208
00:55:35,640 --> 00:55:37,480
Speaker 4: all right, I'm gonna like to have to hide and

1209
00:55:37,520 --> 00:55:40,840
Speaker 4: put some money down here because it is embarrassing. Tip

1210
00:55:40,920 --> 00:55:43,520
Speaker 4: is not extra. Tip is part of what you owe

1211
00:55:43,560 --> 00:55:44,200
Speaker 4: the restaurant.

1212
00:55:44,440 --> 00:55:45,840
Speaker 2: Exactly, exactly.

1213
00:55:46,400 --> 00:55:49,680
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, Comail, you've been an absolute pleasure. I love

1214
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:52,960
Speaker 1: talking to you. You're so great. Your stand up special

1215
00:55:53,280 --> 00:55:55,800
Speaker 1: is so fucking funny. I hope you win a golden globe.

1216
00:55:56,320 --> 00:55:59,279
Speaker 1: It's called night Thoughts you guys, It's on you.

1217
00:55:59,400 --> 00:56:01,040
Speaker 2: You can watch it Hulu. You can watch it on

1218
00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:04,240
Speaker 2: Disney Hulu. Either one. And then he has a show?

1219
00:56:04,680 --> 00:56:07,000
Speaker 2: Did I say? I said, I think you corrected me?

1220
00:56:07,120 --> 00:56:07,600
Speaker 3: Fall Out?

1221
00:56:07,800 --> 00:56:08,240
Speaker 2: Fallout?

1222
00:56:09,280 --> 00:56:13,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, fallout, but then Ella McKay correct Mackay.

1223
00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:15,040
Speaker 2: You said mackay. But I think it's McKay.

1224
00:56:15,280 --> 00:56:16,080
Speaker 4: I think you're right.

1225
00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:21,000
Speaker 2: I think I think so too.

1226
00:56:21,520 --> 00:56:25,440
Speaker 1: Okay, come have a wonderful, wonderful day, and please extend

1227
00:56:25,560 --> 00:56:27,439
Speaker 1: my good wishes to your wife too.

1228
00:56:27,640 --> 00:56:29,320
Speaker 2: You guys are a cute, cute couple.

1229
00:56:29,640 --> 00:56:31,759
Speaker 4: I will thank you. This was such a joy.

1230
00:56:32,280 --> 00:56:34,480
Speaker 2: I love it. Okay, have a great Thanks.

1231
00:56:34,560 --> 00:56:41,239
Speaker 8: Mail, The word of the week is pred election noun

1232
00:56:41,760 --> 00:56:46,279
Speaker 8: an established preference for something. Your mother in law has

1233
00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:50,040
Speaker 8: a pred election for sticking her nose where it doesn't belong.

1234
00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:51,680
Speaker 3: Pred election.

1235
00:56:57,160 --> 00:56:58,560
Speaker 2: I just announced all my tour dates.

1236
00:56:58,600 --> 00:57:02,360
Speaker 1: That's called the High and My I will be touring

1237
00:57:02,440 --> 00:57:05,959
Speaker 1: from February through June, So go get your tickets now

1238
00:57:06,040 --> 00:57:08,080
Speaker 1: if you want good seats and you want to come

1239
00:57:08,120 --> 00:57:10,560
Speaker 1: see me perform, I will be on the High and

1240
00:57:10,760 --> 00:57:11,440
Speaker 1: Mighty tour.

1241
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:13,200
Speaker 3: Do you want advice from Chelsea?

1242
00:57:13,520 --> 00:57:17,000
Speaker 5: Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. Find

1243
00:57:17,040 --> 00:57:20,200
Speaker 5: full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching

1244
00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:24,040
Speaker 5: at Dear Chelsea Pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered

1245
00:57:24,080 --> 00:57:27,800
Speaker 5: by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure

1246
00:57:27,840 --> 00:57:34,840
Speaker 5: to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com