1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:06,680 Speaker 1: Hey, guys, welcome to an all new episode of Tommy Talk. 2 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:10,800 Speaker 1: This is a very raw and kind of off the 3 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:14,600 Speaker 1: cuff episode where I feel like, I don't know, maybe 4 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:18,360 Speaker 1: it's more for me to be honest because I'm processing 5 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 1: everything going on right now and trying to come to 6 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:28,240 Speaker 1: terms with it. But this is something so many of 7 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:32,839 Speaker 1: us go through, and that's grief. It's grieving the loss 8 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:37,320 Speaker 1: of somebody that we really loved. And I've had my 9 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 1: share of grief in my life. You know, my grandfather 10 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:42,879 Speaker 1: who we were all very close to. I had a 11 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:46,000 Speaker 1: friend who took her own life, which was very difficult. 12 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,640 Speaker 1: But I just found out a little while ago that 13 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:54,480 Speaker 1: my mentor, the only mentor I've ever had in my life, 14 00:00:54,520 --> 00:01:04,360 Speaker 1: her name is Joanna Beckson, has passed away. And we 15 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 1: knew it was coming. I found out a few weeks ago. 16 00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:11,880 Speaker 1: I was told that my dear mentor got diagnosed with 17 00:01:11,959 --> 00:01:15,600 Speaker 1: leukemia and she was given only a few weeks left 18 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:19,720 Speaker 1: to live, and that it was all very sudden, and 19 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,080 Speaker 1: I found out through a friend. Now, this mentor of 20 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:26,640 Speaker 1: mine was my first acting coach, and I was pursuing 21 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,959 Speaker 1: acting out of college and thought that's what I wanted 22 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,800 Speaker 1: to do until I realized it was more of a 23 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:35,160 Speaker 1: passion and maybe not a full time job. And she 24 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,080 Speaker 1: was my first coach. But more than that, she was 25 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:43,120 Speaker 1: a mentor in creativity. She was a mentor in believing 26 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,040 Speaker 1: in yourself, in never doubting what you're capable of, in 27 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,520 Speaker 1: leading yourself through this world with nothing but kindness and 28 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:54,200 Speaker 1: love and respect and dignity, and treating everybody how you 29 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,520 Speaker 1: want to be treated. She was everything right in this world. 30 00:01:56,520 --> 00:02:00,520 Speaker 1: She was one of the best humans that I have 31 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 1: ever met. And when you hear that somebody is being 32 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:09,679 Speaker 1: ripped away from this earth from a terminal disease, from cancer, 33 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:15,760 Speaker 1: fuck cancer, from cancer, it's very hard to process it 34 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:23,960 Speaker 1: because it's very sudden, and I don't know. I don't 35 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:29,799 Speaker 1: know why things happen the way they happen in this world. Right, 36 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 1: everything happens for a reason. Do I believe that I do? 37 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,280 Speaker 1: But then what's the reason for this? Right? So it's 38 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 1: very hard to let somebody go when it's such a 39 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,680 Speaker 1: horrific way that they have to pass. So she was 40 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:52,120 Speaker 1: diagnosed with incurable leukemia and was given weeks to months 41 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,040 Speaker 1: to live. I found out a couple of weeks ago 42 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,560 Speaker 1: because she kept it pretty quiet, so I found out 43 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:02,519 Speaker 1: from a former classmate of mine, and we were all 44 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:05,800 Speaker 1: just really shocked because she has the brightest light in 45 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,040 Speaker 1: the world, and she's one of the most magical people 46 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:10,079 Speaker 1: that you'll ever meet in your life. And she's someone 47 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,480 Speaker 1: who truly saw me and believed in me. She's one 48 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:14,800 Speaker 1: of the very first people that I actually came out to. 49 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,799 Speaker 1: I was, you know, a senior in college and very 50 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:23,760 Speaker 1: scared and didn't I hated myself so much at the 51 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,959 Speaker 1: time for it. It was just my own journey I 52 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,720 Speaker 1: had to go through. And she made me feel so 53 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:33,800 Speaker 1: safe and seen and loved. And I will never forget 54 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:37,720 Speaker 1: how she knew but never pressured me to come out 55 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,040 Speaker 1: until I was ready, but always gave me little little 56 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,880 Speaker 1: hints and signals that she's there for me when I 57 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,840 Speaker 1: need her. So she was just this magical enigma of 58 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:51,040 Speaker 1: a person who you just wanted to, you know, always 59 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 1: be around. And we lost contact over the years. Of course, 60 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 1: life happens and you can't always keep in touch with everybody, 61 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,360 Speaker 1: but we did reconnect back in twenty twenty three and 62 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 1: I reached out to her and she wrote me back 63 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,560 Speaker 1: and she said, it's so good to hear from you. 64 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,119 Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you. I would love to get 65 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,160 Speaker 1: dinner because I asked her, like, let's have dinner. I 66 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 1: want you to meet my husband. And you know, in 67 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,839 Speaker 1: many ways, I want to be where I am today 68 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,279 Speaker 1: if it weren't for her. So I just I was 69 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:24,760 Speaker 1: thinking of her and I wanted to connect with her, 70 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:28,800 Speaker 1: and and we never got that dinner. And it's hard 71 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:33,359 Speaker 1: to not beat yourself up when somebody passes away and 72 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,680 Speaker 1: you never got to do the thing that you wanted 73 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,039 Speaker 1: to do and you set out to do. And I 74 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,480 Speaker 1: don't know why we never got that dinner. I guess 75 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:44,160 Speaker 1: life happens, and you can't always you can't always do everything. 76 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,760 Speaker 1: But man, I fucking wish we had that last dinner. 77 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 1: I really do. And that's something that kind of eats 78 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,320 Speaker 1: away at me right now, is like, oh, I wish 79 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,839 Speaker 1: we had one more memory, and I can't believe we didn't. 80 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,279 Speaker 1: And I guess that's something I'm going to have to 81 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 1: go through and not be myself up over, even though 82 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:08,440 Speaker 1: it's very easy for me to do that. But I'm 83 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,640 Speaker 1: just so happy we at least got to connect. But 84 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: that is something that's super hard. And another hard thing 85 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:17,520 Speaker 1: with her passing is she wanted to be home. She 86 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,400 Speaker 1: didn't want treatment, she didn't want to suffer through that. 87 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,599 Speaker 1: I guess the writing on the wall for her was 88 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,719 Speaker 1: it's incurable, so why go through any of that? And 89 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:29,839 Speaker 1: that was her decision and her choice. And she also 90 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:34,200 Speaker 1: didn't want to receive phone calls or text messages and 91 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:37,280 Speaker 1: just wanted to kind of live in her space and 92 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:42,440 Speaker 1: in the present as much as she could, and you 93 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 1: have to respect that. It was hard for me. It 94 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:48,120 Speaker 1: was very very hard for me because I wanted to 95 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,520 Speaker 1: have that last phone conversation with her. I wanted to 96 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,120 Speaker 1: tell her how much she meant to me and just 97 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:56,800 Speaker 1: reiterate how much she meant to so many people. But 98 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:59,880 Speaker 1: she didn't want that, and you have to respect that. 99 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:03,240 Speaker 1: And then the question becomes I was talking to a friend, 100 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:07,120 Speaker 1: and it's like, who were we to feel entitled to 101 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,880 Speaker 1: deciding how somebody lives their last few days or hours 102 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,680 Speaker 1: or any of that. It's not up to us, it's 103 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,839 Speaker 1: up to them. It's up to them how they want 104 00:06:14,839 --> 00:06:18,320 Speaker 1: to peacefully transition, God willing, and that's what she needed 105 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:21,600 Speaker 1: and that's what she wanted. So yeah, selfishly, I'm like God, 106 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,800 Speaker 1: I just wish we could have had one more chance 107 00:06:23,839 --> 00:06:27,560 Speaker 1: to talk, one more a goodbye, I guess, a goodbye 108 00:06:27,839 --> 00:06:31,120 Speaker 1: of some sort, but we didn't get to have that. 109 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:35,640 Speaker 1: And I have to stop thinking about it as me. 110 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,000 Speaker 1: I didn't get this. I didn't get this because it's 111 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,320 Speaker 1: not about me. It's not about me. It's about what 112 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,039 Speaker 1: she wanted. And if I think about it in that way, 113 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 1: that this is what she wanted, that she lived her 114 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:49,640 Speaker 1: last few days in peace and joy and what she 115 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 1: wanted to do, then that's all I care about or 116 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:55,120 Speaker 1: should care about, because that's what she's entitled to. This 117 00:06:55,279 --> 00:06:58,080 Speaker 1: is her moment. This is her moment, and that's what 118 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 1: she deserves. But men, what I would have given to 119 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,040 Speaker 1: give her one more hug or just tell her that 120 00:07:07,279 --> 00:07:11,720 Speaker 1: she's done so much for me in my life and 121 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 1: it's really hard to not be able to say goodbye. 122 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,920 Speaker 1: And maybe the lesson here is that you don't always 123 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:21,080 Speaker 1: get to say goodbye and that's and that's okay, and 124 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:25,320 Speaker 1: it has to be okay because that's what she wanted 125 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:28,640 Speaker 1: and that's what was meant to happen, and for whatever reason, 126 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 1: this is how the cards unfolded. So through this grief 127 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 1: that I'm feeling, and trust me, it is extreme grief. 128 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:46,040 Speaker 1: I'm also learning that death is very much about what 129 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,240 Speaker 1: the other person needs and wants, and that has to 130 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,840 Speaker 1: be okay, and that should bring comfort to us that 131 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:56,800 Speaker 1: if her wishes in my case of my mentor, were 132 00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: to pass away peacefully at home and not be on 133 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,880 Speaker 1: her phone and not respond to texts or calls or facetimes, 134 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,560 Speaker 1: and just be present with her immediate family, then that's 135 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:11,120 Speaker 1: what she deserves and that should bring me peace and happiness. 136 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:17,080 Speaker 1: And I'm realizing that it will. It will once the 137 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:20,000 Speaker 1: shock of it all, once the shock of it all 138 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:26,760 Speaker 1: wears off, it will bring me that. So this is 139 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:33,079 Speaker 1: a Tommy talk that's super raw, and I wanted to 140 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:37,520 Speaker 1: capture this moment of my life for you because we 141 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:42,199 Speaker 1: don't always show the sadness. We don't always show the 142 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,000 Speaker 1: less glamorous sides of what we do and what we 143 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,960 Speaker 1: talk about. And I certainly have never put anything out 144 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,400 Speaker 1: like this before. And I'm scared shitless because this is 145 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:54,800 Speaker 1: a really vulnerable side to me that I'm not used 146 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:58,360 Speaker 1: to putting out. But at the same time, in this 147 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:04,080 Speaker 1: quest for me for trying to be more open and real, 148 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:07,800 Speaker 1: this is something we all go through. Grief is inevitable. 149 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:14,600 Speaker 1: Grief sucks in many ways, but it's also beautiful in 150 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,559 Speaker 1: many ways because I know that this grief will never 151 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,880 Speaker 1: let me forgive, forgive, will never let me forget her, 152 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,640 Speaker 1: and I'll never forget her. I will never forget her. 153 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,640 Speaker 1: She's being added to my prayer list. I will talk 154 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:28,560 Speaker 1: to her every single night before I go to bed. 155 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,160 Speaker 1: There's about five people on there who I talk to 156 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,320 Speaker 1: who have passed away, and she'll be with me forever now. 157 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,679 Speaker 1: And I just did an interview with an actress who's wonderful. 158 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,800 Speaker 1: Her name's Lana Paria, and she told me that there 159 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,560 Speaker 1: was this quote she heard where that people who have 160 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:44,280 Speaker 1: passed you just reach out your arm and they're right there, 161 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,920 Speaker 1: meaning that they're all around us. And I truly believe that, 162 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:52,319 Speaker 1: and that gives me a lot of peace and hope 163 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:56,559 Speaker 1: that that relationship will continue for the rest of my life. 164 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,880 Speaker 1: But it doesn't mean that it's not hard that you 165 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:04,080 Speaker 1: don't get to say goodbye. So what I am trying 166 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,280 Speaker 1: to get to today in this Tommy talk is I'm 167 00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 1: learning I'm not quite there, but I'm learning that when 168 00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 1: you lose people you love it's not always on your 169 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:17,120 Speaker 1: own terms, and it shouldn't be on your terms. It's 170 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 1: how they're choosing to move on from this life and 171 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:25,040 Speaker 1: this world, and that has to be okay. And also 172 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 1: that you can't beat yourself up like I am with 173 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 1: I should have made time for that dinner. Why didn't 174 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,160 Speaker 1: we make time for that dinner? Because life happens, and 175 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,280 Speaker 1: for whatever reason, it wasn't supposed to happen. But it's 176 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 1: very easy to beat yourself up over it. And you 177 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,160 Speaker 1: can't do that because it just wasn't meant to be. 178 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:46,960 Speaker 1: And I guess lastly that grief is something we don't 179 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,520 Speaker 1: talk about a lot. And if you're listening to this 180 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:55,200 Speaker 1: and you're grieving anybody in your life, a pet, a person, whoever, whatever, 181 00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:01,240 Speaker 1: it's okay, allow yourself that time degree and allow yourself 182 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:06,079 Speaker 1: moments of weakness. But then hopefully we can pick ourselves 183 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:11,000 Speaker 1: up and carry on and apply the lessons learned and 184 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,440 Speaker 1: the beautiful spirit of whoever is no longer with us 185 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,559 Speaker 1: in our everyday life. And that's what I hope to do. 186 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:22,280 Speaker 1: And Joanna Beckson was one of the most monumental people 187 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:28,680 Speaker 1: in my life, and I I am definitely who I 188 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:32,640 Speaker 1: am today because of her in many ways. So I 189 00:11:32,679 --> 00:11:36,240 Speaker 1: love you, Joanna, I will never forget you. Thank you 190 00:11:36,559 --> 00:11:39,800 Speaker 1: for everything you have taught me and instilled in me 191 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 1: in my life. And for everybody grieving, I see you. 192 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:52,560 Speaker 1: It's a journey. We're all in this together. And just 193 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,960 Speaker 1: hold the people you love close that are still with you, 194 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,839 Speaker 1: and hold the people close that you love who are 195 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: now with you as well, because like I said, I 196 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:07,920 Speaker 1: believe they're all around us. So thank you for hanging 197 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:11,520 Speaker 1: out in this very different type of Tommy Talk, but 198 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,880 Speaker 1: hopefully it makes you feel a little less alone in 199 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:18,800 Speaker 1: the world. I've Never Said This Before is hosted by 200 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:23,520 Speaker 1: Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is executive produced by Andrew 201 00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:27,400 Speaker 1: Puglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy, with editing by 202 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,120 Speaker 1: Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before is part of 203 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:35,200 Speaker 1: the Elvis Duran podcast network on iHeart Podcasts. For more, 204 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:38,440 Speaker 1: rate review and subscribe to our show and if you 205 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 1: liked this episode, tell your friends. Until next time, I'm 206 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:42,920 Speaker 1: Tommy de Dario.