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Speaker 1: Welcome to the ten Minute Storyteller. That's me Bill Simpson,

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Speaker 1: your host, narrator, and author. We hear at the ten

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Speaker 1: Minute Storyteller endeavor to entertain you with tall tales or

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Speaker 1: rendered swiftly and with the utmost empathy. We pledge to

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Speaker 1: pack as much entertainment, emotion, and exploration into the human

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Speaker 1: condition as ten minutes will permit. Mini novels on steroids.

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Speaker 1: This week we meet Joe. Joe, Well, he's not really

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Speaker 1: enjoying life. Joe's stuck in a sort of emotional quicksand

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Speaker 1: he can't pull himself out. Doesn't know what to do

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Speaker 1: or where to turn. Joe blames his confinement on his wife,

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Speaker 1: his kids, his job, as friends, but just under the surface,

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Speaker 1: Joe knows who's really to blame. Joe's only life. Joe

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Speaker 1: was depressed. At least he thought he was depressed. It

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Speaker 1: seemed like a good explanation for his general funk. He

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Speaker 1: felt like he lived outside his body, like he was

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Speaker 1: looking in at himself from afar. Joe hated his job,

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Speaker 1: hated his boss, hated most of his coworkers. He'd known

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Speaker 1: twenty years ago. He'd hate his job, but he took

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Speaker 1: the damn job anyway, because college was over and he

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Speaker 1: didn't know what the hell else to do. It was

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Speaker 1: okay for a while, making money, buying a new car,

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Speaker 1: taking ski trips to Colorado with the guys, but then

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Speaker 1: it just got to be a drug. So he tried

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Speaker 1: changing jobs, but the new job was just as stressful

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Speaker 1: and boring and irritating as the old job. So Joe

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Speaker 1: got married, not really because he wanted to get married,

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Speaker 1: but because they'd been going out for a while and

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Speaker 1: it was either get married or break up. He tried

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Speaker 1: breaking up, but that didn't work, so they got married.

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Speaker 1: Now a couple decades have passed more, Joe doesn't really

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Speaker 1: like his wife and she doesn't really like him, but

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Speaker 1: they do an okay job of pretending. What else are

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Speaker 1: they going to do? Get divorced? No way, gotta muddle through.

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Speaker 1: It's not like he hates her, more like, well, more

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Speaker 1: like maybe he hates himself. And then then there's the kids.

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Speaker 1: He doesn't much like them either, loves them of course,

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Speaker 1: got to love him for Christ's sakes, or you might

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Speaker 1: as well just blow your brains out, but like them

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Speaker 1: now that they're teenagers. You gotta be kidding me. They're

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Speaker 1: as silent as earthworms, until, of course, they want something.

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Speaker 1: Then they're more demanding than the tax collector. Money or

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Speaker 1: rides home from friends' houses in the middle of the night,

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Speaker 1: or brand new fucking iPhones just because Apple came out

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Speaker 1: with a new color. He talks to the kids, tries

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Speaker 1: to tell him stuff, but they don't listen. They don't

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Speaker 1: hear a word, he says. The guys that he considers

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Speaker 1: his friends, they don't hear a word, he says. Either.

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Speaker 1: They sit around the local bar or in the backyard

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Speaker 1: drinking beer and go blah blah blah blah blah to

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Speaker 1: the cows come home, but nobody listens, nobody gives a

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Speaker 1: shit what anybody else has to say. They're as interchangeable

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Speaker 1: as cogs and Joe's bicycle chain. Yeah, depressed, that's what

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Speaker 1: Joe is. So what's Joe to do? What's his next play?

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Speaker 1: Buying shit is absolutely a waste of time. A band

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Speaker 1: aid on a gaping wound, clothes, cars, phones, computers, eighty

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Speaker 1: four inch TVs, silk pillow cases, electric toothbrushes, electric lawnmowers,

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Speaker 1: a new callaway driver, a new ping putter, a new

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Speaker 1: pair of fucking eyeglasses. None of it makes a damn

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Speaker 1: bit of difference in his state of mind. He chases

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Speaker 1: the crapowla for a while, finally pulls the trigger, and bam.

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Speaker 1: A day or less later, he's right smack back in

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Speaker 1: his funky state of despair. Same thing now with vacations.

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Speaker 1: Joe hates vacations. As a young fella, he had adventures

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Speaker 1: to far flung countries where he couldn't speak the language

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Speaker 1: and maybe only had a couple hundred bucks in his pocket.

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Speaker 1: Now he has business class airline tickets and accommodations in

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Speaker 1: four star hotels and recommendations for only the best restaurants

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Speaker 1: in town, and half a dozen credit cards in his wallet.

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Speaker 1: And it's only just one big goddamn boar everywhere he goes,

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Speaker 1: it's all the same. Sure, he could strip himself down,

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Speaker 1: stuff some green backs in his pocket and head into

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Speaker 1: the jungles, but but fuck, come on, he doesn't have

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Speaker 1: the kahones anymore. For that. Joe's a goddamn gelding. Though

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Speaker 1: he still makes loves to his wife occasionally, but only

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Speaker 1: after taking a big fat blue pill and downing a

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Speaker 1: shot of tequila. His next play, Yeah, what's that gonna be.

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Speaker 1: He gets up in the morning after a shitty night's sleep,

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Speaker 1: drags his ass to the shower, ignores his paunchy stone

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Speaker 1: and flabby man tits. He's not crazy out of shape,

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Speaker 1: probably only like fifteen pounds off his fighting weight, but

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Speaker 1: he can't find the energy or the fucking desire to

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Speaker 1: go to the gym or even take the dog for

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Speaker 1: more than a ten minute walk. He just wants to

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Speaker 1: sit around on his ass and stare at the boob

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Speaker 1: tube sports, mostly with the endless ads for gas guzzling

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Speaker 1: pickup trucks and cheap beer and pills to strengthen your

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Speaker 1: pissed stream, ads that make Joe think there are millions

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Speaker 1: tens of millions of American males out there suffering the

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Speaker 1: exact same fate as himself. Ever since COVID, Joe works

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Speaker 1: at home most days, which means after he showers and shaves,

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Speaker 1: he just pulls on sweats and slippers, makes some coffee,

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Speaker 1: and plops down in his snazzy Herman mel executive's chair,

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Speaker 1: where he reads a few emails, plays wordle checks out

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Speaker 1: the headlines, writes a few more emails, works on the

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Speaker 1: new proposal to acquire Datacom Inc. Takes a dump with

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Speaker 1: some amount of effort, gets another cup of coffee, makes

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Speaker 1: a couple more calls, and La de da de fucking' dah.

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Speaker 1: The day passes, some gas passes. At lunch, he argues

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Speaker 1: with his wife about charges on her credit card. At dinner,

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Speaker 1: he yells at his daughter about her spray on tan.

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Speaker 1: After dinner, he goes to his son's basketball game. His

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Speaker 1: son is a junior on the varsity squad, doesn't play much,

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Speaker 1: a decent player, but no balls. Afraid of failure tonight,

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Speaker 1: he gets into the game for the last couple minutes

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Speaker 1: because his team is down twenty and any hope of

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Speaker 1: victory is long dead. He turns the ball over twice,

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Speaker 1: missus an easy layup. Joe tells his son on the

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Speaker 1: way home in the car not to sweat it, not

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Speaker 1: to worry about his performance. It's just a high school

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Speaker 1: basketball game, after all. But then all gnarled up inside,

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Speaker 1: Joe begins to lecture the sixteen year old on his

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Speaker 1: mediocre effort and his lousy ball handling skills. Even before

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Speaker 1: he's done with his critique, Joe starts feeling bad about

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Speaker 1: criticizing the kid, but can Joe bring himself to just

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Speaker 1: shut the fuck up, maybe even apologize. Fuck no, Joe

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Speaker 1: never apologizes to anybody about nothing. And in the morning,

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Speaker 1: a Saturday morning, a cold, sharp, late January morning, under

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Speaker 1: a deep blue winter sky, Joe tells his wife he

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Speaker 1: has a few errands to run and he'll be back later.

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Speaker 1: She is not unhappy to see him go. Joe stops

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Speaker 1: at the hardware store and buys a flashlight. He stops

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Speaker 1: at the gas station and fills the sedan's tank with

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Speaker 1: regular He goes into the convenience store and buys beer

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Speaker 1: and chips. He takes a leak, and then Joe climbs

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Speaker 1: back into his sedan, tunes in some of his favorite

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Speaker 1: rock and roll, drives out to the interstate, heads west

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Speaker 1: and doesn't look back. Hey, thanks for listening to this

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Speaker 1: original audio presentation of Joe's Only Life, nurieded by the author.

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Speaker 1: If you enjoy today's story, please take a few seconds

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Speaker 1: to rate, review, and subscribe to this podcast, and then

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Speaker 1: please go to Thomas William Simpson dot com for additional

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Speaker 1: information about the author and to view his extensive canon.

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Speaker 1: The ten Minute Storyteller is produced by Andrew Bligliasi, and

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Speaker 1: Josh Kilani and is part of the Elvis Duran podcast

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Speaker 1: networked in partnership with iHeart Productions. Until next time, this

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Speaker 1: is Bill Simpson, your ten minute storyteller,