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Speaker 1: Two hopeless one dating app then Dar's you guys, swipe right.

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Speaker 1: The question is whose love life is more tragic.

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Speaker 2: It's Battle of the Tinder Dates. It is the dating

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Speaker 2: game show that defied medical science by somehow getting itself pregnant. Wow,

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Speaker 2: and cut the whole thing on camera. It's Battle of

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Speaker 2: the Tinder Dates, where two of our listeners square off

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Speaker 2: to find out whose love life is the most tragic.

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Speaker 2: We'll explain the rules in just a second. First, let's

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Speaker 2: meet today's contestants. In this corner, before every kiss, she

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Speaker 2: likes to give herself citrusy fresh breath by gargling a

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Speaker 2: bottle of OJ with extra pulp, and that's why she's

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Speaker 2: known as Juicy Lucy.

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Speaker 1: She does it right after she brushes her.

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Speaker 2: Teeth, too, And in the other corner, she can seduce

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Speaker 2: any man with her patented dance move, the slow motion

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Speaker 2: twerk with double finger guns pistol hip Crystal.

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Speaker 1: Hey, guys, what's up? Jose just tried to do that

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Speaker 1: in studio. I love it.

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Speaker 2: Here's how the game works. One contestant will start by

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Speaker 2: telling one of their worst date stories, and then we'll try

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Speaker 2: and counter with a nightmare story of their own. We're

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Speaker 2: going back and forth for three rounds until we declare winner.

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Speaker 2: We're gonna start things off with juicy Lucy, let's go.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 2: So I was at a guy's place. He took me dinner,

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Speaker 2: and afterward I asked like, you know, do you.

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Speaker 1: Want any help with the dishes?

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Speaker 2: And he was like, oh, don't worry about it.

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Speaker 1: His dog licks all of his plates clean and you

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Speaker 1: had already eaten. And he wasn't joking.

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Speaker 2: Nasty pistol whip christ can you counter?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? So I went out to drink with this guy.

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Speaker 1: He was He was like super rich and everything. We

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Speaker 1: had this really fancy, upscale, like bougie piano bar.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

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Speaker 1: When we got there, he requested the pianist to play

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Speaker 1: baby Shark.

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Speaker 2: Only, one of the most romantic songs of all time?

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Speaker 1: Was he trying to be funny? I mean I thought

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Speaker 1: so the first time, but it wasn't just one time.

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Speaker 1: I swear, it was like six or seven times. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean that song gets stuck in your head, and

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Speaker 1: it was just don't keep requesting it.

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Speaker 2: That's part of the fun is to keep repeating it.

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Speaker 1: But he was also paying the guy too, so he

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Speaker 1: was like dropping big money on this guy. I wear

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Speaker 1: like fifteen minutes. He must have paid like I don't know,

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Speaker 1: like two hundred dollars.

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Speaker 2: Oh who.

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Speaker 1: I was so mortified by the end of it. It

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Speaker 1: was just like everyone was like, give me the depth stare.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my god, I gotta get

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Speaker 1: out of here.

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Speaker 2: I'll call you Daddy shark. Yeah, there was jealous of you.

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Speaker 2: We're on the round two, Lucy, back to you, all right.

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Speaker 1: So I was at dinner with a guy when he

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Speaker 1: got a call and he was like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I have to take this right. Okay.

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Speaker 1: So I'm like, oh, it's fine, it's fine.

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Speaker 2: It happened sometimes something.

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Speaker 1: He gets into an argument with the person about what.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't sure at first. I could tell it was

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Speaker 1: a woman.

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Speaker 2: Oh no, that's not good.

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Speaker 1: It turns out it was his mom. Oh oh yeah.

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Speaker 2: Jeff's like I get this, I get this. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: He was like screaming at his mom. And even though

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Speaker 1: this man was thirty seven years old, she was upset

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Speaker 1: with him because he didn't finish his chores that day

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Speaker 1: and she wanted him to come straight on time out.

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Speaker 2: This mom, the resident are soaking okay, you'll get to it,

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Speaker 2: Crystal back to you. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So I went on this coffee date and this guy

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Speaker 1: showed up wearing scrubs and I was thinking like, oh

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Speaker 1: a doctor, you know.

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Speaker 2: Like yeah.

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I feel so bad. He just

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Speaker 1: got off of work whatever, and he's like, oh no,

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Speaker 1: it's okay, like, don't worry about it. He works in insurance.

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Speaker 1: And I was super confused, so I was like, wait,

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Speaker 1: what do you what do you mean? Well, apparently he

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Speaker 1: got the scrubs from like the thrift store down the street.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, you're company, I guess, but like

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Speaker 1: why are you wearing them? And he's like, oh well,

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Speaker 1: if I happened to bail on the date or whatever,

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Speaker 1: he would just use the scrubs to say he was

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Speaker 1: a doctor. And then he would go he I'll never

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Speaker 1: risk up. Oh wow, And he explained this to.

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Speaker 2: You got to respect a man with a plan, not

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Speaker 2: a lot of guys. On to our third and final round.

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Speaker 2: We need your best stories here, ladies. So Lucy, what

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Speaker 2: have you got? Okay?

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Speaker 1: So I hung out with this guy on my birthday. Afterwards,

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Speaker 1: we go to his place, right yeah, and when we

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Speaker 1: when we walk in, he had actually hung up a

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Speaker 1: little banner for me. It's decorated. Yeah, there were party

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Speaker 1: streamers and like he even had cake. Oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: I was over the moon, and so he sang for me.

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Speaker 1: He took a picture. I was like so happy. No

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Speaker 1: date had ever done anything like this for me before.

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Speaker 1: But then he tells me don't touch any of it

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Speaker 1: because all the party supplies were pretty expensive and he

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Speaker 1: had to return them in the morning. Even like cake.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't even touch the cake. It was all for

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Speaker 1: the pictures. Wants to know if it was his instagram worthy. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean I didn't post it, but still, come.

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Speaker 2: On, here we go, Crystal last shot.

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Speaker 1: So I went back to the Sky's place, right because

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Speaker 1: they had a great date or whatever. But I had

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Speaker 1: to use the restroom. Okay, so while I'm while I'm

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Speaker 1: in there, he had one of those kids, like potty

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Speaker 1: training toilettees or whatever. Yeah. I was like, I didn't

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Speaker 1: know you know how a kid And he's like, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: I don't have a kid. The little pawnies for me

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Speaker 1: to use by the couch when I'm too lazy to

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Speaker 1: walk to the bathroom. Oh literally, just like throw up

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Speaker 1: in my mouth. It was so gross.

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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I remember to put these all over

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Speaker 2: my apartment, hopefully just for number one though, Oh.

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Speaker 1: God, why would you even come on?

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Speaker 2: Sorry, we can't go any deeper into that. As much

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Speaker 2: as we want to discuss that there was the final bell,

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Speaker 2: we need to go and score this with the judges. Alexis,

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Speaker 2: who are you giving it to you?

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Speaker 1: Crystal? I have a new fear unlocked that every man

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Speaker 1: has a little toilet next to his cat one for Crystal.

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Speaker 1: Bre I just still can't get over the dog licking

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Speaker 1: the plates clean.

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Speaker 2: I give it to Lucy. All you read the deciding factor.

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Speaker 2: Oh man, well gotta go with Lucy with the mom

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Speaker 2: calling about the chore. A juicy Lucy, you four thousand

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Speaker 2: of our listeners to uninstall Tinder forever.

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Speaker 1: She's crying, but not for good reasons.

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Speaker 2: Text in seven eight, five nine, who if you want

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Speaker 2: to appear on the next edition of Battle of the

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Speaker 2: Tender Days. We got your phone camp coming up right

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Speaker 2: after this.

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Speaker 1: Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning,