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Speaker 1: I'm gonna say this, and I'm gonna say this one time.

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Speaker 1: Only stop telling people how they are supposed to feel

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Speaker 1: about the ship you do to them. Dead ass. I

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Speaker 1: like that one because sometimes when emotions are on high,

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Speaker 1: it's better to shut up and listen to while you're

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Speaker 1: making them feel no way they feel dead ass. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us

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Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each

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Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make

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Speaker 1: you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important

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Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this

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Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,

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Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the

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Speaker 1: lens of a millennial married couple. Dead adds is the

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Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say

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Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillow

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Speaker 1: talk to a whole new level. Dead as starts right now.

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Speaker 1: I don't remember when this happened. I just feel like

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Speaker 1: this has been like a theme in our relationship that

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Speaker 1: you and I just kind of unpacked, right, But there

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Speaker 1: was a momentum. It had to be recently because it

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Speaker 1: was in the theater downstairs, and Kadine and I were

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Speaker 1: having a discussion because we don't really like argue like that.

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Speaker 1: It's no longer arguments anymore. We have discussions. So we

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Speaker 1: were having a discussion about something that happened the night prior.

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Speaker 1: And I don't remember exactly what we were arguing about,

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Speaker 1: because that just shows me how like unimportant it was.

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Speaker 1: But I was explaining to you how I felt about it.

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Speaker 1: And every time I kept trying to explaining to you,

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Speaker 1: how trying to explain to you how I felt about it,

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Speaker 1: you kept saying, I don't think you should have felt

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Speaker 1: that way about that, because that's not what I meant.

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Speaker 1: And then I kept trying a different way to explain it.

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Speaker 1: And every time I use a different analogy, because what

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Speaker 1: Kadin gonna do is look at me, And every time

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Speaker 1: I'm using an analogy, she's gonna look at me even

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Speaker 1: more sideways, like that analogy ain't got shipped to do

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Speaker 1: with what we're talking about. But what I started realizing

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Speaker 1: after giving like the fourth analogy and you're looking at

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Speaker 1: me with that blankster which your eyes blinking, was like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I just got to say this. I

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Speaker 1: don't have to explain to you why I feel the

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Speaker 1: way I feel, but I feel a way, and I

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Speaker 1: am tired of you telling me that I shouldn't feel

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Speaker 1: a way because that's not what you meant. And you

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Speaker 1: were just like, I ain't never think about it like that,

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Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, it's like, you can't punch

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Speaker 1: somebody in the face and then tell them it shouldn't

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Speaker 1: hurt because I didn't punch you that hard because that's

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Speaker 1: typically what we do. Maybe I didn't punch you. Maybe

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Speaker 1: it was a love tap. What if the love tap hurt?

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Speaker 1: What if you're being soft? See what I'm saying and

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Speaker 1: this and that that right there is exactly how the

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Speaker 1: story went. Story done. Since we're talking about feelings today,

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Speaker 1: you know what I just thought about when I thought

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Speaker 1: about feelings, feelings, nothing more than feeling today. But shout

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Speaker 1: out to Steve rcle Julia White. Yes, trying to forget

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Speaker 1: those feelings of love. But instead, you know what, baby,

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Speaker 1: I'm I'm gonna lean on you to do the opening riff,

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Speaker 1: all right, because it's opening riff. Ain't nothing quite like

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Speaker 1: it right. Let me uh and prepare my vocals. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: if that was a sound like that. However, don't forget

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Speaker 1: to come and pick up feeling. Don't leave no pieces.

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Speaker 1: You need to read. Pick up you feeling while I'm cleaning. Yo, listen,

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Speaker 1: Jasmine Southerd. They're gonna make it to karaoke at least

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Speaker 1: one shout out Jasmine. Yes, girl, I'm listen. But I

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Speaker 1: was watching the video and I was like, dang, she

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Speaker 1: really did that in the very beginning. I'm gonna try it.

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Speaker 1: Listen to Jasmine, appreciate trying like I have no oxygen

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Speaker 1: coming to my brain. It was your neck musters for me, Like,

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Speaker 1: don't look, but that was super cleming. She said, up

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Speaker 1: feelings while I'm cleaning. Bro, Yeah, while I'm cleaning. One

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Speaker 1: time I'm cleaning, it's not going in the garbage. And

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Speaker 1: I don't know if you're feelings deved to be in

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Speaker 1: the garbage. But you know, hey, but let's go on

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Speaker 1: a quick break and come back, and we're gonna unpack

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Speaker 1: how to stay out of folks feelings be right back, y'all.

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Speaker 1: All right, we're back. So let me explain to y'all

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Speaker 1: a little bit about story time and what we've been

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Speaker 1: going through and what we've learned to unpack over the

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Speaker 1: last like this has been something like that, we've unpacked

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Speaker 1: this in the last a year. Yes, but it's just

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Speaker 1: crazy to me that we're still unpacking ship twenty years in.

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Speaker 1: Like that just goes to show y'all that relationships require

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Speaker 1: the investment and constantly having the conversations and learning each

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Speaker 1: other and expecting there to be changed and things that

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Speaker 1: bothered somebody before may not bother them now or vice versa.

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Speaker 1: So just know that twenty years and we're still unpacking.

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Speaker 1: So for people who feel like, man, I'm in a

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Speaker 1: couple of years and she didn't really going nowhere and

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Speaker 1: we're not learning anything, just make sure y'all are having

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Speaker 1: those conversations that need to be had, because with that,

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Speaker 1: I guess sometimes you feel like there's no progression happening.

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Speaker 1: The progression may not be happening because you're not having

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Speaker 1: those conversations. And so don't feel no kind of way

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Speaker 1: because we're still having conversations twenty years in. I remember

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Speaker 1: exactly what the argument was about. I remember exactly now

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Speaker 1: now this I'm explaining to you, how realist is we

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Speaker 1: really just be having conversations on this podcast, right. It

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Speaker 1: was when my mom didn't get the invite for my

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Speaker 1: birthday party when were supposed to go to Jamaica, and

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Speaker 1: my mom felt away. And what happened was Codeine spoke

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Speaker 1: to my brother and spoke to my father and he

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Speaker 1: she told them that she was planning a birthday party

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Speaker 1: for me for my I think it was seven, I

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Speaker 1: remember which one it was, but we were supposed to

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Speaker 1: being someone. It never happened. We just moved. She was planning,

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Speaker 1: She was planning. Ultimately, my brother and my father trying

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Speaker 1: to figure out what days worked for them, and through

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Speaker 1: that process, neither one of them spoke to my mom.

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Speaker 1: So when I'm on the phone speaking to my mom

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Speaker 1: about this is where we contested positive for COVID and

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Speaker 1: I said, said, then we can't travel no more, and

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Speaker 1: she said aware. And I was like, well, we're supposed

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Speaker 1: to be going to Jamaica for my birthday, but now

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Speaker 1: we can't go. And she said I didn't know. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, how did you not know? Did you

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Speaker 1: not like it was my birthday? How did you do

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Speaker 1: not know? And She's like, no, one called me and

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Speaker 1: talked to me about it, and she felt the way.

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Speaker 1: So I expressed to Kay like, I was like, how

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Speaker 1: com you didn't call my mom? And Kay was just like, well,

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Speaker 1: I called you dad, I called you bro. I figured

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Speaker 1: someone relay the message. And I was just like, also

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Speaker 1: to his sister, was due any day with the baby

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Speaker 1: or she had just had she had just had the

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Speaker 1: baby through c section, so your dad and talking to

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Speaker 1: him was just like, well, you know, Tory just had

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Speaker 1: the baby. I don't know. So in speaking to his dad,

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Speaker 1: I just figured, Okay, it's like a family discussion. That's happening.

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Speaker 1: Your sister had just had the baby two weeks prior

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Speaker 1: so having a c section. She probably needed her mom

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Speaker 1: and needed the help. So I just never gave your

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Speaker 1: mom the option to this side, I guess by telling

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Speaker 1: her directly. Right. So Kay had her reasons for not

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Speaker 1: calling my mom, and my mom felt the way about it.

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Speaker 1: And when I started talking to k about it, Kay

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Speaker 1: got upset and was just like, I didn't mean to

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Speaker 1: offend your mom. And I kept trying to explain to

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Speaker 1: her like, just because you don't mean to offend someone

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that their feelings don't get hurt. And Kay

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Speaker 1: kept saying but why would your feelings get hurt if

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Speaker 1: And she kept trying to give me reasons why my

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Speaker 1: mom's feelings shouldn't be hurt if her if my dad

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Speaker 1: knew and my brother knew, and they were speaking on

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Speaker 1: her behalf, and I was like, what are you not understanding?

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying that you did anything purposefully or you

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Speaker 1: were trying to upset anyone, but your actions hurt my

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Speaker 1: mom's feelings and she's entitled to feel that way. And

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Speaker 1: then Kay became upset with me because she was just like,

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Speaker 1: you're trying to make it seem as if I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to hurt your mom. And I was like, hey, I'm

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Speaker 1: not saying that you're trying to hurt my mom, and

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying you're trying to hurt me. Because then

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Speaker 1: I was upset because no one spoke to my mom.

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Speaker 1: And then she was like, why are you upset? I

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Speaker 1: told you what I did? How could you still be upset?

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Speaker 1: I told you I spoke to your family, And I'm like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to be upset, but does it does

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Speaker 1: it matter to me what your intentions were if my

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Speaker 1: mom feel away? And now I'm i uset my mom

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Speaker 1: feels like she was left out. I'm upset, And Codeine's

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Speaker 1: whole point was to tell me my mom shouldn't feel

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Speaker 1: left out and I shouldn't be upset because she had

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Speaker 1: reasons for doing it, And the reason why I was

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Speaker 1: making this story the point of it is because no

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Speaker 1: one had no ill will, no one. You didn't do

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Speaker 1: anything on purpose. My dad didn't purposely leave my mom out.

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Speaker 1: My brother did not tell my mom, but my mother

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Speaker 1: was still upset about being left out, feeling left out,

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Speaker 1: and everybody I spoke to like that, she's your mother

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Speaker 1: being your mother like, and I'm like, no, y'all gotta

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Speaker 1: stop doing that. Mom didn't wake up wanting to feel

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Speaker 1: left out. She felt left out. Can we at least

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Speaker 1: acknowledge the fact that my mom's feelings got hurt? And

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Speaker 1: can we at least acknowledge the fact that I'm upset

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Speaker 1: that my mom's feelings are her? Can we not try

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Speaker 1: to discredit her feelings are mine? And after going through

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Speaker 1: that whole process and unpacking it, I learned there too,

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Speaker 1: Like I do the same thing to you at times,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes I'll say something and I'll just be like, well,

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Speaker 1: I don't know why you took it like that Because

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Speaker 1: I was a joke. It was a joke, like Kenina

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Speaker 1: and I have this thing. We joke on each other

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Speaker 1: a lot, right, and sometimes the joke don't land properly

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Speaker 1: on the other person, and when that person feels away,

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Speaker 1: you have to start to understand that just because you

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Speaker 1: meant something a certain way doesn't mean it was delivered

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Speaker 1: or received that way. So I understand everything. Um, you

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Speaker 1: know that was said. And then in that moment too,

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Speaker 1: I made sure I think we went to New York

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Speaker 1: shortly after that, once we got over COVID and everything,

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Speaker 1: and I spoke to your mom directly in person, your

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Speaker 1: mom and your dad together and just to clear the

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Speaker 1: air because one thing that's huge for us is trying

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Speaker 1: to make sure that we take accountability. So sometimes accountability

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Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily mean that you're taking blame per se. Yeah

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Speaker 1: it's not blamed, but it's just saying, Man, if I

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Speaker 1: would have acted differently in this moment, I'm acknowledging that

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Speaker 1: I could have taken another step to make things better,

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Speaker 1: but in that moment, I didn't think about it, right. So, Um,

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Speaker 1: having the conversation with your mom and all of that

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Speaker 1: I think my issue with yes, someone feels a way. Yes,

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Speaker 1: that may not may have been my intention. But one

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Speaker 1: thing that I always do that you don't like that

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Speaker 1: I do is even if I acknowledge, Okay, I understand

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Speaker 1: that you're upset, you don't like when I explained to

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Speaker 1: you my rationale. And to me, I feel like I

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Speaker 1: have to explain my rationale if someone feels as if

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Speaker 1: I've done something to either make them feel left out,

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Speaker 1: hurt their feelings, or if my intentions weren't landing correctly.

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Speaker 1: I feel like it's my responsibility and out of respect

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Speaker 1: to the person, to say, hey, I understand that you

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Speaker 1: feel this way. I'm sorry you feel this way, but

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Speaker 1: this is how I arrived at this rationale. And because

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Speaker 1: I arrived at it this way, I feel like that's

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Speaker 1: me taking responsibility and taking the onus for saying I

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Speaker 1: might have hurt you in this moment, or something may

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Speaker 1: have been misconstrued, but here is how I arrived at it.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't trying to just be, you know, deceitful. I

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Speaker 1: wasn't trying to be mean. I wasn't trying to leave

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Speaker 1: you out. Here's how I arrived and you'll never like that, no, no, no.

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Speaker 1: The way you explained it is the more mature version

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Speaker 1: of what you do or what you've done now. In past,

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Speaker 1: it used to be, Yo, you didn't tell my mom.

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Speaker 1: I told you Dad. Yeah, but you didn't tell my

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Speaker 1: mom and the feelings got hurt. But I told you Dad.

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Speaker 1: It's the growth for me. And it's like and and seriously,

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Speaker 1: it's like, it's like, you didn't tell my mom. You

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Speaker 1: have a devil. If I told you Dad, they live

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Speaker 1: in the same house. Why wou't you Dad just tell

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Speaker 1: your mom. It's like you used to not even acknowledge

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Speaker 1: the fact that that could have hurt my mom's feelings.

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Speaker 1: It was just, well, I told your dad, So whatever

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Speaker 1: feeling she has, she got to get over it because

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Speaker 1: I told someone in that absolutely. And one thing I've

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Speaker 1: always had an issue with which we've unpacked, like we said,

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Speaker 1: for having conversations for twenty years, I have a problem

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Speaker 1: with accountability, or I've had problems with accountability because it's

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Speaker 1: something that I've noticed, even just as an adult unpacking

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Speaker 1: things that my mom has had an issue with. It

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Speaker 1: still has an issue with accountability because it's this idea

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Speaker 1: and this pursuit of just trying to be perfect and

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Speaker 1: never making a mistake, and that's something deep rooted and

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Speaker 1: just how we were raised. But wanting to be the example,

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Speaker 1: wanted to be perfect one to make sure things are

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Speaker 1: done correctly. So if something does go wrong, it's kind

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Speaker 1: of like, oh, shoot, let me not let me not

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Speaker 1: connect myself with something that went wrong. I just want

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Speaker 1: to find a way to then say, get the blame

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Speaker 1: off of me, potentially when a lot of times we're

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Speaker 1: not looking to place blame or you know, make a

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Speaker 1: responsible party feel bad for something that may go wrong.

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Speaker 1: It's more so just saying, hey, how can we pivot

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Speaker 1: next time to make things different? How can we avoid

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Speaker 1: making the same mistake again? Um, And I've learned that

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Speaker 1: just recently. So when you say that this happened maybe

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Speaker 1: about almost two years ago, a year and a half.

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Speaker 1: In the year and a half, I feel like it's

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Speaker 1: safe to say, just from my own standpoint, that I've

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Speaker 1: learned how to act differently in this One thing we

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Speaker 1: talked about a lot on this show was growth, and

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Speaker 1: you and not have talked about how we've changed even

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Speaker 1: since the beginning of this podcast till now. Some of

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Speaker 1: the things that we thought were okay in the very beginning,

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Speaker 1: we're learning now we'ren't okay, so we're both I will

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Speaker 1: have to give you kudos on that you have acknowledge

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Speaker 1: that and being like, you know, I'm gonna be deliberate

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Speaker 1: about changing that. A lot of people ask us all

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Speaker 1: the time, like, how do you guys continue to keep

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Speaker 1: the fire burning? How do you guys continue to keep

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Speaker 1: staying in it in the marriage that has open communication.

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Speaker 1: One word empathy. M hmm, right, And I'm gonna explain

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Speaker 1: to you why empathy allows you to not agree with

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Speaker 1: what the person is saying, because you don't have to agree,

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Speaker 1: but it allows you to understand how they could feel

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Speaker 1: about what is transpiring in the present moment. And there's

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Speaker 1: a difference. Right agreeing means yeah, you're right, I'm wrong,

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Speaker 1: I should change all of my behavior. That's not what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying. Empathy is saying, you know what, in life,

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Speaker 1: there is never really a true black and white. There's

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Speaker 1: never truly a right and wrong. Now, there are moral

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Speaker 1: clauses in between every situation where you know what the

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Speaker 1: right thing is right like don't stay over, don't fight people,

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Speaker 1: don't kill. But there's definitely some areas of gray, and

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Speaker 1: empathy allows you to live in the gray and at

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Speaker 1: least understand where your partners coming from. For example, Codina

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Speaker 1: and I talk all the time about how we've matured

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Speaker 1: through sex, right, because a lot of the issues that

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Speaker 1: we see from people often relate to my partner doesn't

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Speaker 1: understand what I need or want sexually, right, And Codina,

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Speaker 1: when I went through that for years, it wasn't until

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Speaker 1: we started to have empathy for our partner and say, well,

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Speaker 1: you know what, my partner is not wrong, She's just

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Speaker 1: living in a different space with a different perspective. So

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Speaker 1: if I can exist in that space and perspective through

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Speaker 1: listening to her, I can understand where she's coming from.

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Speaker 1: And if I can understand where she's coming from, I

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Speaker 1: can now maneuver in a way that's positive for both

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Speaker 1: of us. And I use sex as an example because

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Speaker 1: for a lot of relationships, there's two things that cure

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Speaker 1: relationships is sex and finances. So so the same thing

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Speaker 1: with finances, right, You and I have talked about how

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Speaker 1: we've bettered our finances started with empathy. Rather than Kadine

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Speaker 1: and I being at each other's throats and being like

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Speaker 1: she does this wrong with money or he does this

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Speaker 1: wrong with money? Is let me understand why this person

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Speaker 1: feels this way. And if I can at least understand why,

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Speaker 1: now I can get a greater understanding of how to

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Speaker 1: explain why I feel the way I feel. But it

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Speaker 1: first has the empathy to understand where my partner's coming from.

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Speaker 1: So empathy is very important. Well, you know there's different

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Speaker 1: types of empathy. I think we should jump into some

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Speaker 1: facts and stats about the way you can exhibit empathy

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Speaker 1: towards someone because there's different ways to do it. So

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Speaker 1: first off, there is um effective that's with an a

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Speaker 1: effective um or emotional empathy, which is the ability to

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Speaker 1: respond to people's emotions appropriately. So in that instance, for example,

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Speaker 1: somebody is distraught about something, how do you then, like

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Speaker 1: we say, empathize with them. How do you then kind

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Speaker 1: of help to relate to the situation that they're in

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Speaker 1: or offer some sort of comfort? And can I say

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Speaker 1: the first thing about responding to someone's emotions appropriately, do

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Speaker 1: not tell people that they are not allowed to feel

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Speaker 1: the way they feel like. That is the number one thing.

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Speaker 1: When you say to someone why would you feel like

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Speaker 1: that way about that? People don't wake up just asking

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Speaker 1: to feel the way. Some people do, some people just

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Speaker 1: people punishment, some people do. But most people are affected

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Speaker 1: by past traumas and when something happens, it triggers that

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Speaker 1: and they feel a way. And we a lot of times,

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Speaker 1: as humans, like to say, well, I didn't mean for

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Speaker 1: it to affect you that way, So you got to

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Speaker 1: grow up, stop being so sensitive and change the way

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Speaker 1: you respond to what I said, rather than saying, damn,

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Speaker 1: I affect that person that way. Uh, can let me

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Speaker 1: at least try to help that person unpack why that

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Speaker 1: happened like that. I know a lot of times we

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Speaker 1: are very quick to discard how people feel because we

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Speaker 1: feel like remember that used to be argument between us,

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Speaker 1: Yo Canina, I used this. We don't do this anymore,

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Speaker 1: and we used to because Dean will be feeling a

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Speaker 1: way about something and I will give for an example

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Speaker 1: of well, you do that to me and I don't

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Speaker 1: feel a way. So now I'm expecting you to not

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Speaker 1: feel a way because it didn't affect me that way.

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Speaker 1: That's unfair to your partner. Just because you didn't respond

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Speaker 1: a certain way to the same scenario doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: your partner is supposed to exhibit the same behavior. You

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Speaker 1: can't do that to people, absolutely not. And as partner, parents, spouse,

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Speaker 1: child friends, partner friends, same thing, same thing. Then there's

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Speaker 1: the somatic empathy, which is the ability to feel what

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Speaker 1: another person is feeling. Right, So I think in an

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Speaker 1: instance like this, it's like, you know, somebody you know

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Speaker 1: loses a parent, and you've lost a parent, you've lost

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Speaker 1: a child for example, God forbid, And it's the thing

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Speaker 1: where you know, I can actually understand for sure, because

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Speaker 1: you know, a lot of times things happen and you're like, man,

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Speaker 1: I can't even imagine what you're going through type of thing.

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Speaker 1: But this type of empathy is different. You've been there,

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Speaker 1: you know what it's like. You may not exhibit the

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Speaker 1: same exact feelings, but you can kind of empathize with that.

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Speaker 1: And then particularly what we're speaking about today is cognitive empathy,

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Speaker 1: and that's the ability to understand someone's response to a

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Speaker 1: situation that takes emotional maturity absolutely. So expressing empathy is

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Speaker 1: really the quickest way to disarm someone in an emotional situation.

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Speaker 1: Empathy allows people to kind of let go of that

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Speaker 1: defense energy and feel safe enough to express themselves. So

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Speaker 1: let's talk about that. What do I always say you

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Speaker 1: are when we have arguments? Defensive? Defensive? Have you noticed

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Speaker 1: how my approach to you has changed? Don't tell me

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Speaker 1: you're using reverse psychology is reseychology, but think about things

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Speaker 1: about cognitive empathy right right, and also knowing that codeine

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Speaker 1: is and this this is where empathy is important. We've

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Speaker 1: talked about this on the pot on the live podcast.

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Speaker 1: I know that my wife is defensive, right. The only

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Speaker 1: reason I know that my wife is defensive is because

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Speaker 1: I used empathy to understand why does she feel this way?

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Speaker 1: When we used to have arguments and I'd be like,

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Speaker 1: why did she get some defensive? Rather than trying to

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Speaker 1: understand why she gets defensive? What I used to say

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Speaker 1: you all the time, You've got to stop being defensive.

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Speaker 1: There's no reason for you to be defensive, right, And

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Speaker 1: then I was like, that's not working because that just

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Speaker 1: made her more offensive. So I said, let me try

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Speaker 1: to understand why she gets that way. Started speaking to you.

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Speaker 1: We talked about your parents. We notice how your parents

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Speaker 1: respond to situations, and I started to realizing she gets

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Speaker 1: like that because that's the only way she knows how

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Speaker 1: to not take accountability for what she may have done wrong.

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Speaker 1: Why is she avoiding accountability because she doesn't want to

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Speaker 1: be blamed. Why that she doesn't want to be blamed

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Speaker 1: because in her life she felt like she was blamed

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Speaker 1: for a lot that she didn't do. And it's like

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Speaker 1: not even as much as just me trying to pursue

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Speaker 1: whatever I think this perfection is for. So I want

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Speaker 1: to be the perfect wife, for example, So if I

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Speaker 1: do something that upsets you, to me, that's like, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, in this moment, I'm not the perfect wife

401
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Speaker 1: because what do I say to you? A lot? Sometimes

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Speaker 1: I feel in addequate. Sometimes I feel like I'm the

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Speaker 1: weak link of the two of us because I don't

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Speaker 1: do things the way you do or my process that

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Speaker 1: may not be the same. So for me, that's that's

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Speaker 1: me feeling beaten down because I'm like, man, like I'm

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Speaker 1: disappointing to the situation, like I was the same through

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Speaker 1: my parents, and every want to disappoint my parents. So

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Speaker 1: that was a large part of the reason why that

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Speaker 1: I really had to moll over in my head, like

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Speaker 1: am I going to make this decision? What's going to

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Speaker 1: be the repercussions for it? I don't want to be

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Speaker 1: able to do that. So because I usually move so intentionally,

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Speaker 1: that's the reason why I feel like I need to

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Speaker 1: quote unquote defend myself or I need to explain how

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Speaker 1: I arrived at something. I need to explain my rationale

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Speaker 1: because I don't just move or willingly just to move,

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So that's why it's important

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Speaker 1: for me to be able to do that, because I'm

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Speaker 1: pursuing this perfection that I know is probably impossible. But

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Speaker 1: I need the people who I love and people who

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Speaker 1: I care for to know that Kadine is moving with

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Speaker 1: the best intention, but it's never received that way. But

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Speaker 1: do you realize that in moving that way and trying

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Speaker 1: to be super deliberate, you're not allowing yourself to have

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Speaker 1: empathy for your partner because now you're like, I'm moving deliberately.

427
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,200
Speaker 1: I'm I'm moving in a space of perfection, which means

428
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:56,040
Speaker 1: anything I'm doing I'm doing so that you don't get hurt.

429
00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:59,280
Speaker 1: So if you get hurt, that's on you, that's not

430
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:03,000
Speaker 1: on me. It's taking the which I was moving in

431
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:04,760
Speaker 1: this direction. If you feel a way, that's something you

432
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:06,119
Speaker 1: have to do, and that's something I used to do

433
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,119
Speaker 1: to me a lot, or she used to discard my

434
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,320
Speaker 1: feelings and I used to be like, yo, hey, just

435
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,359
Speaker 1: because you didn't do it on purpose, don't mean that

436
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,720
Speaker 1: it didn't hurt me. And she was just like, but

437
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:17,520
Speaker 1: I don't understand why it hurts you if you know

438
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,720
Speaker 1: now why I did it. And I used to say

439
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:25,320
Speaker 1: to her, I know now why you did it, so

440
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:29,080
Speaker 1: I'm able to have empathy for you. But in the moments,

441
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,119
Speaker 1: I had no idea why you did it, and the

442
00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:34,639
Speaker 1: fact that it hurt me was not my choice. It

443
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:37,800
Speaker 1: just hurt and and it's like both of us being

444
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:39,800
Speaker 1: able to have empathy for each other's allowed us to

445
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,560
Speaker 1: get to a space where it's like, oh, I see

446
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,560
Speaker 1: so I was trying to move purposeful, but I hurt you.

447
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:49,600
Speaker 1: I apologize. Let's discuss why it hurt you. Then we

448
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,760
Speaker 1: discussed why it hurts me. And when I get that

449
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,800
Speaker 1: feeling of at least she's trying to understand, but now

450
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,400
Speaker 1: I at least I understand how she moves. So now

451
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,760
Speaker 1: I realized there's nobody to aim. She wasn't moving in

452
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:06,719
Speaker 1: the space of negativity or trying to be malice malicious,

453
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,000
Speaker 1: but I took it that way, and now I have

454
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,280
Speaker 1: to unpack why did I take it that way? Then

455
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,880
Speaker 1: I started to realize, Wow, there were projections from things

456
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,320
Speaker 1: that were happening in my life before that way. She

457
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,080
Speaker 1: moved this way. I perceived it in a way that

458
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:23,760
Speaker 1: it wasn't. But here's the thing. This is the work

459
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:27,080
Speaker 1: that goes into marriage or any relationship that people like, oh,

460
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:30,159
Speaker 1: marriage be tough, marriage, don't be tough. It is the

461
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,400
Speaker 1: two of us together working on unpacking all the things

462
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:37,119
Speaker 1: that we have developed in ourselves as individuals and now

463
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,199
Speaker 1: trying to be together. Right, I mean, think about it,

464
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:44,600
Speaker 1: you're really unpacking a lifetime's worth of things with the spouse,

465
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,760
Speaker 1: and this is stuff that was ingrained in you before

466
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,840
Speaker 1: you even met each other. It's the way you were

467
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,840
Speaker 1: conditioned based off of society, based off of your upbringing,

468
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:56,400
Speaker 1: within your household, things that your parents you know, in turn,

469
00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:00,800
Speaker 1: caused you to Then it became a character stick. You know,

470
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:03,479
Speaker 1: it could be a character flaw in some instances, you know.

471
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:07,359
Speaker 1: Emotional validation. What we're seeing here is like the process

472
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:11,720
Speaker 1: of learning about, understanding and expressing acceptance over another person's

473
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:15,480
Speaker 1: emotional experience, which is what we talked. We talked about.

474
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:21,080
Speaker 1: So emotionally validating is distinguished from emotional invalidation, when a

475
00:24:21,119 --> 00:24:26,760
Speaker 1: person's emotional experiences are rejected, ignored, and judged. So, for example,

476
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:30,760
Speaker 1: like the example we just gave, my mom feels away.

477
00:24:31,359 --> 00:24:36,399
Speaker 1: Codem's response, which would be an emotional invalidation is she

478
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,280
Speaker 1: shouldn't feel that way because I told your father. So

479
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,480
Speaker 1: now you're saying that my mom shouldn't be shouldn't feel

480
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,240
Speaker 1: away about what happened to her. That piste me off

481
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,720
Speaker 1: as opposed to be like, oh wow, I didn't realize

482
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,720
Speaker 1: that it made her feel away. I'm sorry about that,

483
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,240
Speaker 1: and I will let her know that that wasn't my

484
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,600
Speaker 1: purpose or my intention. There goes, here's someone who understands

485
00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,119
Speaker 1: how my mom feels. You see how the response the

486
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:03,199
Speaker 1: response is totally totally different, and that now it doesn't

487
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:07,080
Speaker 1: validate or invalidate what you did because you still did

488
00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 1: what you did. But now it's like, wow, at least

489
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:13,959
Speaker 1: I I validated her emotional response, So now I feel empathy.

490
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:17,600
Speaker 1: So now she can open up and tell me. Because

491
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,000
Speaker 1: that's what happens when you make someone feel invalid right

492
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,280
Speaker 1: their emotions. Now they get defensive. And most people when

493
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,840
Speaker 1: when they feel like their emotions are invalid. You know

494
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:29,200
Speaker 1: what they do, attack because now you're making me feel

495
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,600
Speaker 1: like my emotions don't matter. So now I have to

496
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,480
Speaker 1: hurt you so you can feel how I felt. That

497
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 1: was me. That was me whenever CADEM used to make

498
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:40,080
Speaker 1: me feel like my emotions were invalid. My defense mechanism

499
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,520
Speaker 1: to that was to then try to say something to

500
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,399
Speaker 1: make her feel how I feel, so that then I

501
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,480
Speaker 1: can say, you see how you feel right there, that's

502
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,600
Speaker 1: how I feel. Since you don't understand how I feel,

503
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,200
Speaker 1: I got to make you feel how I feel. Right

504
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,239
Speaker 1: And that's when the petty comes in, super petty, and

505
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:57,120
Speaker 1: I know my pet petty and yes, And the thing

506
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:03,200
Speaker 1: is neither response is helpful and building a bridge for communication.

507
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,160
Speaker 1: You sure uh? And next we have Validating an emotion

508
00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:10,159
Speaker 1: does not mean that you agree with the other person

509
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,640
Speaker 1: or that you think that their emotional response is warranted. Rather,

510
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:17,440
Speaker 1: you demonstrate that you understand what they are feeling without

511
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:20,120
Speaker 1: trying to talk them out of it or making them

512
00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:22,920
Speaker 1: feel shame for feeling that way. And that's exactly what

513
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,960
Speaker 1: we're talking about. When someone feels a way, do not

514
00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:29,280
Speaker 1: shame them. Do not shame them for feeling a way right.

515
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,680
Speaker 1: You know, I gave an example because we were discussing

516
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,199
Speaker 1: this last night with Trouble and Matt and right, and

517
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:38,359
Speaker 1: it's no different than you and your boys are playing

518
00:26:38,359 --> 00:26:41,119
Speaker 1: around all the time, right, and yea, you're acting like

519
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,720
Speaker 1: a bitch. You say that you acting like a bitch.

520
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:47,040
Speaker 1: He gets piste off. It's really piste off. And he's like, yeah,

521
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,280
Speaker 1: what do you get mad for? You don't call me

522
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,840
Speaker 1: a bit? My boys like why why would they get mad?

523
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:52,800
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Boy? You know I know

524
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,359
Speaker 1: you're not a bitch. But now you're saying to him, like,

525
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:58,360
Speaker 1: why you acting like that? You get that upset? Then

526
00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:00,560
Speaker 1: he tells you, well, you know, I had a very

527
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,320
Speaker 1: tumultuous pass with my dad and before he used to

528
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,199
Speaker 1: whip my ass, he used to call me a bit

529
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:09,080
Speaker 1: all the times. I don't like that. Allowing someone showing

530
00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:11,360
Speaker 1: empathy to someone and allowing them to tell you why

531
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,560
Speaker 1: they feel a way about it may open your eyes

532
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:16,679
Speaker 1: to who they really are. But when you invalidate how

533
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,840
Speaker 1: they feel, you're now closing them off to not opening

534
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:21,639
Speaker 1: up about why. And then what you do is you

535
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 1: repeat the behavior because you're telling them I should be

536
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:26,800
Speaker 1: able to call you a bit because I'm saying it

537
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,400
Speaker 1: out of love, which doesn't work for everybody. I mean,

538
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,680
Speaker 1: if somebody you genuinely care for you, you should want

539
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:34,640
Speaker 1: to be able to have that dialogue, you know. So yeah,

540
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,360
Speaker 1: I totally um CO signed on that one as well,

541
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,800
Speaker 1: for sure. So like, let's talk about ways that you

542
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:45,280
Speaker 1: can actually validate or or or help to emotionally validate

543
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:50,679
Speaker 1: um in a scenario. Right, So, yeah, someone's feeling so

544
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:55,080
Speaker 1: identifying acknowledging the emotion, encouraging the person to speak vulnerably

545
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:59,280
Speaker 1: express the emotion that they're feeling, increase your emotional vocabulary

546
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:04,440
Speaker 1: with a feelings will used by therapists. That's interesting feelings will. Yeah,

547
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:07,280
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't really use the feelings will, but

548
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,720
Speaker 1: I guess it's it's simple. There are a wheel of

549
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:15,440
Speaker 1: emotions that you go through anger, uh, disappointment, happiness, you know, envy, joy,

550
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,280
Speaker 1: There's a bunch of wheel emotions, and you just understand

551
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:22,040
Speaker 1: what each of those emotions look like with the person

552
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:24,520
Speaker 1: that you're with, and when when you can express or

553
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,800
Speaker 1: understand what their emotions look like when they're projecting that emotion,

554
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:31,040
Speaker 1: you can be more intent intent for not intent for

555
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:35,760
Speaker 1: um purposeful or deliberate about how to address the feelings

556
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,880
Speaker 1: you see, rather than just saying, these are the feelings

557
00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:40,840
Speaker 1: I'm used to and you need to stay in these

558
00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:43,800
Speaker 1: feelings and for us to be friends or in a relationship,

559
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 1: which I think a lot of people do. A lot

560
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:47,880
Speaker 1: of people say, listen, you need to be happy because

561
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:49,720
Speaker 1: I need to be happy. So you need to stay

562
00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:52,640
Speaker 1: in your happiness regardless of what I say to you,

563
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:55,040
Speaker 1: because everything I say to you out of love. That's

564
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:57,000
Speaker 1: probably one of the most toxic, fun up things I've

565
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:58,240
Speaker 1: ever heard in my life. But you know how many

566
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:01,240
Speaker 1: people exist in that space. You know how many parents

567
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:03,800
Speaker 1: that their kids. I was about to say, that's probably

568
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,760
Speaker 1: the biggest time when you've seen it, when you've seen it,

569
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:10,040
Speaker 1: you were doing this because I love you. I'm doing

570
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,480
Speaker 1: don't don't do what I do, do what I say

571
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:14,880
Speaker 1: because I love you. That's probably one of the most

572
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:18,640
Speaker 1: toxic relationships that creates no explanation that we see today,

573
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:22,520
Speaker 1: no explanation, no conversation, right acknowledge the source of the emotion.

574
00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:27,400
Speaker 1: Behind every negative emotion is an unmeant need. So you

575
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:29,640
Speaker 1: have to listen to your speakers experience that may have

576
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:32,800
Speaker 1: led them to be triggered and ask questions about their experience.

577
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:35,400
Speaker 1: You know, they believe their fears, their needs to get

578
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:37,640
Speaker 1: to the root of the emotion. And that's not easy

579
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:42,120
Speaker 1: because how many conversations when I kept member when we

580
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 1: first got together, and you're just very quiet, yes, and

581
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:46,560
Speaker 1: I just be like, why are you acting like this? Why?

582
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:49,920
Speaker 1: And you didn't feel vulnerable enough to open up. I didn't.

583
00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:51,880
Speaker 1: The thing is, I didn't know how to I didn't

584
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:54,600
Speaker 1: even know where to beren't even to be. And I

585
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,080
Speaker 1: impact a lot of this in our book too. I

586
00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:58,400
Speaker 1: just didn't even I didn't begin to eat. I don't

587
00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:00,920
Speaker 1: know where to start with exper seeing how I felt,

588
00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:03,800
Speaker 1: because it wasn't something that was encouraged in my house,

589
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:06,080
Speaker 1: and not for the sake of my parents saying, well,

590
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,280
Speaker 1: we don't care about your feelings, so whatever. It was

591
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,640
Speaker 1: just more so that we just never had those dialogues

592
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:14,360
Speaker 1: or conversations where anyone was able to then unpack how

593
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,000
Speaker 1: they felt in a forum where they felt like it

594
00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:20,800
Speaker 1: was going to be received without disrespect. And that was

595
00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:22,680
Speaker 1: something that was difficult for me. So that's why with you,

596
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 1: when I met you, I think your approach was at

597
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:27,320
Speaker 1: first met with a little bit of like, damn, why

598
00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:29,640
Speaker 1: is he getting on me? And now I'm not being

599
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:32,720
Speaker 1: that perfect girlfriend that I'm supposed to be. Yeah, and

600
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,360
Speaker 1: I'm just like damn, Like now now he's gonna hate me.

601
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:36,880
Speaker 1: Now he's gonna want to break up with me. Now

602
00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:39,480
Speaker 1: he's gonna probably try to find better because I'm not

603
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,520
Speaker 1: being the best for him in that moment. And that

604
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:44,320
Speaker 1: gave me a lot of anxiety. So it made me

605
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:46,280
Speaker 1: feel like I didn't even want to express how I felt.

606
00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,520
Speaker 1: And I think it's important for people to understand that

607
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:53,160
Speaker 1: when you ask people what's wrong. Here's another thing. Don't

608
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:56,600
Speaker 1: expect people to have the vocabulary or the intellect or

609
00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:59,239
Speaker 1: even know how to express what they're going through and

610
00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:02,120
Speaker 1: judge them for not knowing how to adequately express what

611
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:05,400
Speaker 1: they're going through. We are all humans, learning as we

612
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,240
Speaker 1: go from day to day. So when you're in a

613
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,440
Speaker 1: relationship with someone, or when you're talking to your child,

614
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:12,400
Speaker 1: or when you're talking to someone, don't just say what's wrong,

615
00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:15,920
Speaker 1: and then when they can't express to you verbally exactly

616
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:18,160
Speaker 1: what they're going through, feel like, oh, you're just being emotional.

617
00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,600
Speaker 1: That's unfair. You know. And I feel like I'm just

618
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 1: speaking from a man's standpoint because this podcast is from

619
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:27,200
Speaker 1: a husband wife perspective. I feel like we as men

620
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:32,200
Speaker 1: often do that to women, right. I feel like, if

621
00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:35,400
Speaker 1: your if your wife, or your girlfriend or your baby's

622
00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:39,120
Speaker 1: mother is going through something emotional because we are different emotionally,

623
00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:42,320
Speaker 1: we have different hormones and stuff, our first responses, she's

624
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:46,280
Speaker 1: just being emotional, and our first responses, you know, I'm

625
00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:48,760
Speaker 1: never gonna understand what she's talking about going through, so

626
00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 1: I'm going to shut down. And I feel like women

627
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 1: often do this to men. If a man tries to

628
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:57,320
Speaker 1: show emotional, being vulnerable, then it's he's acting like a bit.

629
00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:59,360
Speaker 1: Well I said that to you before. I was just like, damn,

630
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:01,760
Speaker 1: like you're trying to for yourself becoming off as being

631
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:04,280
Speaker 1: real nitpicky or like, you know, I would say things

632
00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:06,000
Speaker 1: to you like that, like damn, like you just want

633
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:09,280
Speaker 1: to be harpen on ship like and using that terminology

634
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:11,840
Speaker 1: is enough to shut somebody down or it's enough to

635
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:16,040
Speaker 1: start some sort of like combat with another person. Um.

636
00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:18,720
Speaker 1: So that is absolutely absolutely true. And then the last

637
00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:22,040
Speaker 1: one think about intent versus impact, which is a great

638
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:24,560
Speaker 1: way to really put it like, what's my intent versus

639
00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:27,800
Speaker 1: how it impacted the person? Right, So expressing that you

640
00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:30,680
Speaker 1: understand the feeling that's being expressed to you is like

641
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:33,240
Speaker 1: the first sign, which we've said, and then you don't

642
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:35,440
Speaker 1: have to necessarily apologize if you don't feel like you've

643
00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:38,560
Speaker 1: done something wrong, but you can still express that you

644
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:43,000
Speaker 1: understand the source of that emotion being hard or frustrating

645
00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:46,719
Speaker 1: or saddening to saddening to somebody. So for me, that

646
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:49,800
Speaker 1: was always my struggle intent versus impact, Like I didn't

647
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:51,720
Speaker 1: intend for it to come out this way, and then

648
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:54,200
Speaker 1: I end up beating myself up like damn, Like where

649
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:56,520
Speaker 1: did I go wrong? I thought this out so perfectly

650
00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:59,280
Speaker 1: it should have landed this way, and then it didn't

651
00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:01,360
Speaker 1: land that way. So now the impact that it's caused

652
00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:03,880
Speaker 1: is now creating a space for me to feel badly.

653
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:05,640
Speaker 1: And because I don't want to feel badly, I want

654
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 1: to put the onus on you, I'm gonna be like,

655
00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:09,480
Speaker 1: you know what, that's not how I intended it. But

656
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,520
Speaker 1: you know why most people don't even think about their

657
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:16,000
Speaker 1: partner when they make a move or do something. They

658
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:20,640
Speaker 1: deliberately do things thinking I wouldn't feel a way about this,

659
00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:23,080
Speaker 1: so I'm gonna move this way, and then when their

660
00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 1: partner feels a way about something, they try to invalidate

661
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:29,520
Speaker 1: their partner's emotions because even if you thought about it,

662
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,160
Speaker 1: you thought about it from your perspective. So this is

663
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:34,240
Speaker 1: what I would say to people. When you make a

664
00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:37,080
Speaker 1: move that hurt someone, Right, even if you did someone

665
00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:38,640
Speaker 1: purpose and you didn't think that it was going to

666
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:42,280
Speaker 1: hurt someone, don't say, well, I wouldn't be hurt by this,

667
00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:46,120
Speaker 1: so they shouldn't be hurt, and definitely don't tell that person. Instead,

668
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:50,480
Speaker 1: just be like, oh, it's it's interesting that you're hurt

669
00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:53,239
Speaker 1: by it. Can you tell me why, right, don't be

670
00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:55,200
Speaker 1: so quick to give your reasons as to why they

671
00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:58,760
Speaker 1: shouldn't be hurt. Just listen, listen, And I agree with

672
00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:01,800
Speaker 1: them saying you don't have to admit fault, like you

673
00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:05,520
Speaker 1: you really don't, but you you can say, man, I

674
00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:09,439
Speaker 1: apologize that you're hurt. I feel bad that you're hurt.

675
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,239
Speaker 1: That was never my intent. That doesn't mean that I'm

676
00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:15,400
Speaker 1: not going to move in the same way moving forward,

677
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:18,040
Speaker 1: because this way maybe best for me and for you.

678
00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:20,279
Speaker 1: But at least if you know what my intent was,

679
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:23,719
Speaker 1: then you can decipher if the impact really was what

680
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:26,319
Speaker 1: it was and then beyond what you just said. And

681
00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:28,920
Speaker 1: I'll use the example with your parents and your mom

682
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:31,479
Speaker 1: particularly feeling like she was left out with this whole

683
00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:34,919
Speaker 1: Jamaica thing. Right, I knew that she was now hurt

684
00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:37,480
Speaker 1: by the fact that I did not personally speak to

685
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:41,000
Speaker 1: her about Jamaica. Right, So I acknowledge that to you

686
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:42,759
Speaker 1: because you're my husband, I was kind of like, bro,

687
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:44,319
Speaker 1: like I told your dad, they didn't live in the

688
00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:46,440
Speaker 1: same house. I can't even expect for a husband and

689
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:48,840
Speaker 1: wife living in the same house to communicate. So that

690
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:50,759
Speaker 1: was the first thing where I went wrong, Right, You

691
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:52,439
Speaker 1: and I communicate a lot about a lot of things,

692
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:55,320
Speaker 1: but everybody isn't work that way, right, So I acknowledge

693
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:58,560
Speaker 1: that your mom deserved seeing as though she birthedew her

694
00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:02,040
Speaker 1: own invitation. Right, I should not have assumed that she

695
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:05,479
Speaker 1: automatically would not make provisions to come because your sister

696
00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:07,879
Speaker 1: just had a baby, right, And that's just me thinking

697
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:09,360
Speaker 1: as a woman and a mom, like, damn, you know,

698
00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:10,759
Speaker 1: I know how much I needed my mom when I

699
00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:12,440
Speaker 1: just had a baby. So she's probably not gonna leave

700
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:14,680
Speaker 1: Tori to deal with this baby. You're not to deal with,

701
00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:16,719
Speaker 1: but you know, deal with the first part. This is

702
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:18,479
Speaker 1: all my perspective that has gone through my head because

703
00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:21,719
Speaker 1: again why I don't move without intention. I kind of

704
00:35:21,719 --> 00:35:25,000
Speaker 1: try to mold things over right. It wasn't received that way.

705
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:26,799
Speaker 1: So when I saw your mom in person and not

706
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:28,600
Speaker 1: through text and not through phone, because I wanted to

707
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:30,440
Speaker 1: make sure that her and your dad understood where I

708
00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:33,719
Speaker 1: came from, then apologized to her for feeling left out.

709
00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:36,399
Speaker 1: Acknowledge that the fact that she could have felt left

710
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:38,719
Speaker 1: out because as a mom now who has sons, I

711
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:40,480
Speaker 1: would have felt away if my daughter in law didn't

712
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:41,919
Speaker 1: tell me that you was having some sort of trip

713
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:44,839
Speaker 1: for my son, like I birthed the kid, you know.

714
00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:47,319
Speaker 1: So I understood that, and I related to your mom

715
00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:49,400
Speaker 1: how I understand if it was the other way around,

716
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,920
Speaker 1: I might have felt hurt. And then what I do

717
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,480
Speaker 1: now is what I've created a group text with you,

718
00:35:55,480 --> 00:35:59,200
Speaker 1: your dad, your mom, your sister, and I have a

719
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:01,440
Speaker 1: text with your mom and dad separately because they do

720
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:03,719
Speaker 1: a lot of the arrangements in their household and they

721
00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:07,719
Speaker 1: know I keep our schedule. So now I've showed you recently,

722
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:10,719
Speaker 1: even recently, this is the chat that I have with

723
00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: your family and let you know that this is where

724
00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:15,239
Speaker 1: I coordinate schedules who's coming, who's going, when we can

725
00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:17,319
Speaker 1: get together, when we can visit, because I want to

726
00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:21,800
Speaker 1: make sure nothing like that happens again. So it's the

727
00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:24,759
Speaker 1: work after acknowledging how she felt, it's the work that

728
00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:26,960
Speaker 1: goes into place to make sure it doesn't happen again.

729
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,160
Speaker 1: And it's also empathy on my part from knowing that

730
00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:32,920
Speaker 1: my wife can't do this on purpose, right, You know

731
00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:36,080
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. It takes It takes empathy to also

732
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:39,160
Speaker 1: be like it would be easy for me to be

733
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:40,799
Speaker 1: like she did this on because she she wants my

734
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:42,279
Speaker 1: mom to feel it because now she's my wife. You

735
00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:46,439
Speaker 1: know how people around about what happened because it's easy.

736
00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:48,480
Speaker 1: You know how people like to just kind of spew

737
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:50,640
Speaker 1: out the fact that you should have issues with your

738
00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:52,520
Speaker 1: in laws, you know what I mean. And it's never

739
00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:54,680
Speaker 1: been the case for your mom and dad and I, like,

740
00:36:54,719 --> 00:36:57,120
Speaker 1: we've never had those kind of issues. So it was

741
00:36:57,120 --> 00:36:59,319
Speaker 1: important for me to make sure that she understood that.

742
00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:02,359
Speaker 1: And I ain't trying to mess with Karen. I ain't

743
00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:06,080
Speaker 1: trying to Karen come upside in my head. But I

744
00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:09,120
Speaker 1: know she's also a sensitive because, you know, because like mom,

745
00:37:09,239 --> 00:37:12,160
Speaker 1: she cares about kids. I completely understand that. And some people,

746
00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:15,600
Speaker 1: I think from from our parents generation, like when you

747
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:18,200
Speaker 1: have things going on, they require that you contact them

748
00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:21,080
Speaker 1: directly because if they feel like they didn't receive an invitation,

749
00:37:21,120 --> 00:37:24,600
Speaker 1: that they weren't invited. Very recently, my dad's seventieth birthday

750
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:28,560
Speaker 1: party another situation. I send a text to the children

751
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:30,040
Speaker 1: in the house, who are my cousins that are my

752
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:32,399
Speaker 1: age range, Hey, y'all, I'm having a party for my dad.

753
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:35,080
Speaker 1: Make sure you tell your dad, who is my dad's brother.

754
00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:36,960
Speaker 1: Make sure you tell your dad and mom to let

755
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:38,840
Speaker 1: me know who can come or whatever whatever. Then my

756
00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:40,279
Speaker 1: aunt reaches out to me and it's like, did you

757
00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:42,800
Speaker 1: tell your uncle? And I was like, well, I told

758
00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:45,920
Speaker 1: my cousins their dad. I told him, so I just

759
00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:47,360
Speaker 1: told him to spread the word. And she's like, but

760
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:51,040
Speaker 1: you didn't invite him directly, And I was like, you

761
00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:55,200
Speaker 1: need your own invitations. And then I'm like, all right, Sis, alright, Sis,

762
00:37:55,400 --> 00:38:00,960
Speaker 1: I'm gonna send him indirectly. Direct I'm gonna send it

763
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:02,840
Speaker 1: to him directly. So I sent it to him directly

764
00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:04,320
Speaker 1: and he was like, oh yeah, I already knew about this.

765
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:07,960
Speaker 1: I told you that I was coming. I'm like, you see,

766
00:38:07,719 --> 00:38:10,160
Speaker 1: but I do feel you let me cross my teas

767
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:12,760
Speaker 1: and that minds because I ain't trying to offend nobody promise.

768
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:16,400
Speaker 1: And if you have the the wherewithal or the ability

769
00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:18,560
Speaker 1: to go to the extra step to make sure that

770
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:20,640
Speaker 1: people are okay, you might as well do it. But

771
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:24,040
Speaker 1: also empathy required. Empathy is required also for the person

772
00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:28,040
Speaker 1: who's having the emotional outburst right to also have empathy

773
00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:30,680
Speaker 1: for the person that they're upset at, to understand, to

774
00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:33,440
Speaker 1: understand that that person may not have been trying to

775
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:36,800
Speaker 1: hurt you. So just because your feelings hurt, don't mean

776
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:39,720
Speaker 1: that you get to then spue all of this venom

777
00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:43,000
Speaker 1: on someone else when they might probably didn't do what

778
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:45,719
Speaker 1: you're expecting they did on purpose. And I think that

779
00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:48,920
Speaker 1: this is important for many relationships. Right, you know, how

780
00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:52,360
Speaker 1: we create narratives about why someone does something, that's because

781
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:54,759
Speaker 1: we don't give empathy to the party that we want

782
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:58,319
Speaker 1: to be upset at. So for example, that happened with

783
00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:01,120
Speaker 1: my parents, I could have been no, no, funk that

784
00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:03,719
Speaker 1: funk that no, you just want to leave my parents

785
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:05,160
Speaker 1: out on purpose, and that's just what it is, and

786
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:07,760
Speaker 1: I'm just pissed about it. Or I could have empathy

787
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:09,319
Speaker 1: and be like, you know what, She'd be playing on

788
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:11,160
Speaker 1: a lot of stuff and it could have been an

789
00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:15,040
Speaker 1: oversight purpose. And I think that a lot more people

790
00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:20,040
Speaker 1: need to understand that most arguments don't don't happen because

791
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:22,719
Speaker 1: people are trying to be malicious. They happen because of

792
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:28,480
Speaker 1: miscommunications and false narratives. You eliminate miscommunications and false narratives

793
00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:32,920
Speaker 1: by having empathy and learning to listen and not listening

794
00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:36,360
Speaker 1: with the intent to respond, but listening with the intent

795
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:41,240
Speaker 1: to understand. That's ultimately what this this whole thing is about.

796
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:43,759
Speaker 1: Listening with the intent to understand. And I said, you

797
00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:46,160
Speaker 1: know what, I was hoping that my aunt would understand

798
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:51,640
Speaker 1: cadinans life is crazy. Cadine could barely She don't even

799
00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:53,120
Speaker 1: know what she had for breakfast, or if she even

800
00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:57,160
Speaker 1: had breakfast this morning. So in that moment, I could

801
00:39:57,200 --> 00:39:59,439
Speaker 1: have been taken it two ways. I could have been like, wow,

802
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:02,239
Speaker 1: Auntie knows that my life is crazy, so she was

803
00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:05,640
Speaker 1: just reaching out to remind me not to not include

804
00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:09,640
Speaker 1: my uncle. Or I could have taken it as damn,

805
00:40:09,680 --> 00:40:11,120
Speaker 1: she just trying to come down on me because I

806
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:14,759
Speaker 1: didn't send the invitation to him. In that moment, I

807
00:40:14,840 --> 00:40:16,640
Speaker 1: chose to say, you know what, she's probably looking out

808
00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:18,480
Speaker 1: for me because she knows my life is crazy. I

809
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:21,560
Speaker 1: chose to take the positive route on that one. And

810
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:23,080
Speaker 1: I said, you know what, Auntie, thank you so much

811
00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:24,560
Speaker 1: for telling me that I'm want to invite him now

812
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:26,480
Speaker 1: because I don't want them to feel left out. You know,

813
00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:31,160
Speaker 1: that's a whole another podcast, right choosing to see the positive,

814
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:32,840
Speaker 1: See the positive, that's the whole. We're gonna do a

815
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:36,719
Speaker 1: whole another positive podcast. We just be here involving coming

816
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,960
Speaker 1: up with episodes as we talked to See the Positive,

817
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,640
Speaker 1: because we had a whole discussion listen about how to

818
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,600
Speaker 1: choose to be positive. And for two seconds, I promise you,

819
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:47,080
Speaker 1: I was like, you know, my life is crazy. Says

820
00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:51,640
Speaker 1: like come on, and she says, you know my life

821
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:53,520
Speaker 1: is crazy. You know, you know I'm not going to

822
00:40:53,640 --> 00:40:56,000
Speaker 1: not invite his brother, Like come on, what does that

823
00:40:56,040 --> 00:40:57,400
Speaker 1: even make any sense? But I said, you know what,

824
00:40:57,719 --> 00:40:59,759
Speaker 1: she's probably just reminded me. And she said it, she said,

825
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:02,040
Speaker 1: I know you're busy, so you know, I just want

826
00:41:02,080 --> 00:41:05,280
Speaker 1: to make sure you didn't forget and it came it was.

827
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,279
Speaker 1: That was as simple as that. Because she understands that

828
00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:10,920
Speaker 1: I'm crazy busy, I understand how it could have been taken,

829
00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:13,560
Speaker 1: party done. And I think that's every family because the

830
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:17,640
Speaker 1: same thing happened with my aunt and my cousins. It's

831
00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:19,279
Speaker 1: the same thing. It's the same thing. Is that it's

832
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,560
Speaker 1: a generational things, which I'm learning with some things too.

833
00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:23,400
Speaker 1: And then lastly, just to kind of wrap things up,

834
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:25,239
Speaker 1: making sure that we're encouraging our kids to express the

835
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:27,279
Speaker 1: root of their feelings. So with Dival and I, when

836
00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:29,400
Speaker 1: the kids stock coming, they start crying about something or

837
00:41:29,440 --> 00:41:31,759
Speaker 1: they're whining about something, I try to make sure that

838
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:34,280
Speaker 1: it's not just meant with like stop crying, stop crying,

839
00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:37,960
Speaker 1: but it's more meant with control your emotions in this moment.

840
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:41,400
Speaker 1: Can you tell mommy why you feel the way you feel.

841
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,759
Speaker 1: It's super important to encourage that conversation and encourage the dialogue.

842
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,040
Speaker 1: Even as early as four years old, we make sure

843
00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:50,600
Speaker 1: if Cats is crying, Cats has to tell me how

844
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:52,560
Speaker 1: he feels in that moment so I can help him

845
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:56,080
Speaker 1: navigate those emotions in a safe space before he's old

846
00:41:56,200 --> 00:41:57,600
Speaker 1: enough to have to deal with people that may not

847
00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:01,359
Speaker 1: be a savvy Okay, I, hey, this is like a conversation.

848
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:03,160
Speaker 1: I think we should take a break now and come

849
00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:04,960
Speaker 1: back to some listener letters so we can see what

850
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:08,360
Speaker 1: y'all have to say this episode, because you know, sometimes

851
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:09,680
Speaker 1: we don't always going to be the ones to come

852
00:42:09,719 --> 00:42:11,080
Speaker 1: up with the topics. We want to see what 'll

853
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:14,040
Speaker 1: happen to So take a quick break and we'll be back.

854
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:25,960
Speaker 1: Al right, back with listen letters. I always start. Do

855
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:28,120
Speaker 1: you want to start? I'll start, all right, go for

856
00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:30,920
Speaker 1: it number one. Hey, y'all, I'm a twenty six year

857
00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:34,080
Speaker 1: old female that suffers from mommy issues. Just some backstory.

858
00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:36,040
Speaker 1: My mom had me very young and I was raised

859
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:39,160
Speaker 1: by my grandmother father's mom, but my mom was somewhat

860
00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:42,000
Speaker 1: active in my life as far as providing financially. My

861
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:44,640
Speaker 1: trauma comes in when I was sexually assaulted by her

862
00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:48,040
Speaker 1: boyfriend at the time I was around twelve thirteen, where

863
00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:49,839
Speaker 1: she was aware of because I told her the day

864
00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:52,520
Speaker 1: it happened. Fast forward, she is married and for a

865
00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:56,040
Speaker 1: very long time I was conflicted. So I went to

866
00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:58,520
Speaker 1: therapy and also invite her and I did give her

867
00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:01,560
Speaker 1: an ultimatum, and she told me that she can't give

868
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:05,040
Speaker 1: up on her livelihood from me and walked out. I'm

869
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:10,480
Speaker 1: a little bit confused. Was the guy connected to her livelihood?

870
00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:13,280
Speaker 1: The livelihood is about making money, so I'm a little confused.

871
00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:16,000
Speaker 1: But what we'll see having spoke to her since two

872
00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:19,000
Speaker 1: years have passed, but I'm starting to realize that it's

873
00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:21,879
Speaker 1: affecting other relationships around me. I'm quick to cut people off.

874
00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:24,640
Speaker 1: It's hard for me to show grace. I don't speak

875
00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:26,840
Speaker 1: about this much because it's not something people usually can

876
00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:29,000
Speaker 1: give me advice on. But I listened to you guys

877
00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:32,359
Speaker 1: a lot, and I'm just hoping that I can get

878
00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:35,479
Speaker 1: something out of how to be more graceful to others

879
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:38,879
Speaker 1: and not be quick to dismiss them. Yeah, I guess

880
00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:40,680
Speaker 1: that's yeah. I felt the same way. I was confused

881
00:43:40,719 --> 00:43:43,920
Speaker 1: about did mom go on to marry this man after

882
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:46,960
Speaker 1: you expressed that he sexually assaulted you? Because that's like

883
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:50,440
Speaker 1: huge and that's major and I wouldn't be able to

884
00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:53,600
Speaker 1: relate to that. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be able

885
00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:57,160
Speaker 1: to relate that. But um, I would say this though

886
00:43:58,280 --> 00:44:02,120
Speaker 1: your mom clearly has had some trauma in her life

887
00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:05,200
Speaker 1: as well. Right, you said you were raised by your

888
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:08,960
Speaker 1: father's mom, which means you wasn't raised by your father

889
00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:11,640
Speaker 1: and he wasn't raised by your mother's mom. So we

890
00:44:11,680 --> 00:44:14,920
Speaker 1: don't know what has happened in her life to make

891
00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:16,719
Speaker 1: her make the choices. But she did have a child

892
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:21,440
Speaker 1: very young. Was she sexually abused? You know what I'm saying?

893
00:44:21,480 --> 00:44:24,160
Speaker 1: Why you know what I'm saying? Why was she active

894
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:26,759
Speaker 1: so young? And how did that affect her? Why does

895
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:29,280
Speaker 1: she feel like leaving this man is going to affect

896
00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:32,520
Speaker 1: her livelihood? Is this person providing something for her that

897
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:35,520
Speaker 1: she can't get anywhere else? But this only happens when

898
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 1: you have empathy. Rather than saying to your mom, you

899
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:41,240
Speaker 1: made me feel away, and since you made me feel away,

900
00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:43,560
Speaker 1: you have to apologize and you have to tell me

901
00:44:43,600 --> 00:44:46,200
Speaker 1: all these reasons, how about you approach your mom with

902
00:44:46,239 --> 00:44:48,279
Speaker 1: some empathy and say, hey, mom, what's been going on

903
00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:52,400
Speaker 1: in your life? Understand where Try to understand where your

904
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:54,319
Speaker 1: mom is coming from, so it can at least give

905
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:56,879
Speaker 1: you peace. You may not get the answers you want,

906
00:44:57,120 --> 00:44:59,440
Speaker 1: may not agree right, you may not agree with her

907
00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:01,440
Speaker 1: at all, but at least it can give you pieces

908
00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:03,120
Speaker 1: that you know what, my mom has been struggling with

909
00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:06,160
Speaker 1: these demons for years, and part of the way she

910
00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:08,640
Speaker 1: responds to me are projections of what she's dealt with.

911
00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:11,880
Speaker 1: Then you can release it from yourself. Now you're no

912
00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:15,040
Speaker 1: longer saying what's wrong with me, because it seems like

913
00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:16,560
Speaker 1: now she's saying what's wrong with me that my mom

914
00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:21,160
Speaker 1: would choose that relationship. Now your self loath and you

915
00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:23,399
Speaker 1: feel like it's something I did wrong, and you're taking

916
00:45:23,400 --> 00:45:27,600
Speaker 1: that on you. Where someone's response to a act, someone's

917
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:31,600
Speaker 1: feelings don't have to necessarily be a direct indicator of

918
00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:34,200
Speaker 1: something that you may or may not have done. So

919
00:45:34,239 --> 00:45:36,160
Speaker 1: I think that's a really great piece for her, and

920
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:38,440
Speaker 1: I feel like you also choose this now that you're

921
00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:40,960
Speaker 1: aware of what's happening. If your mom is able to

922
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:44,239
Speaker 1: unwilling to have the conversation with you, maybe just you

923
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:47,400
Speaker 1: and her or in the presence of maybe a therapist,

924
00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:50,960
Speaker 1: you then can't or regardless if you have the conversation

925
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:53,320
Speaker 1: with her or not, then take the way you feel

926
00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:57,600
Speaker 1: and blame other people or look for ways to cut

927
00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,799
Speaker 1: other people off just because you're You're mom was that way.

928
00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:03,120
Speaker 1: Not everyone is the same. It's almost like being in

929
00:46:03,160 --> 00:46:05,360
Speaker 1: an abusive relationship, for example, and you with a spouse

930
00:46:05,360 --> 00:46:07,680
Speaker 1: that abuses you, abuses you or doesn't do things to

931
00:46:07,719 --> 00:46:09,160
Speaker 1: make you feel good, and then you get into another

932
00:46:09,160 --> 00:46:11,880
Speaker 1: relationship and this new person now has to bear the

933
00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:14,359
Speaker 1: burden of what the last person did, and the last

934
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:16,520
Speaker 1: person if you're not giving them a fair chance to

935
00:46:16,680 --> 00:46:20,040
Speaker 1: express to you how they genuinely feel about you. So

936
00:46:20,160 --> 00:46:24,359
Speaker 1: you may be sabotaging relationships around you because of your mom,

937
00:46:24,520 --> 00:46:26,400
Speaker 1: but I feel like it should be quite the opposite,

938
00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:28,359
Speaker 1: And I know it's probably easier said than done. It's

939
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:31,440
Speaker 1: I completely get that, um, but also to everyone cannot

940
00:46:31,480 --> 00:46:35,000
Speaker 1: bear the burden, UM, of what your mom puts you through.

941
00:46:35,719 --> 00:46:40,960
Speaker 1: I feel like she's sabotaged a little bit because having

942
00:46:41,080 --> 00:46:44,920
Speaker 1: having a mom leave you gives you a sense of like,

943
00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:47,959
Speaker 1: like you're not worthy. Yeah, like an abandonment, an abandonment issue,

944
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:51,200
Speaker 1: you know, not worthy. So rather than this person leaving me,

945
00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:55,080
Speaker 1: I'm going to push them away at least I'm in control, control,

946
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:59,479
Speaker 1: at least power again. Shout out to uh the team

947
00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:04,040
Speaker 1: Perry's Sisters. Season two, we actually talk about that actual issue.

948
00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:06,200
Speaker 1: You get a chance to learn more about the characters

949
00:47:06,280 --> 00:47:08,720
Speaker 1: and one of the characters I'm not gonna give it away,

950
00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:11,920
Speaker 1: but had issues with mommy issues, had mommy issues and

951
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:16,359
Speaker 1: abandonment issues, and purposefully pushed people away so they can

952
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:19,000
Speaker 1: feel like they were in control before the person left.

953
00:47:19,520 --> 00:47:21,560
Speaker 1: So what happens and what she probably tends to do,

954
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:24,640
Speaker 1: She says, she cuts people off quickly. They're constantly scanning

955
00:47:24,640 --> 00:47:27,760
Speaker 1: for red flags, and once they see a red flag,

956
00:47:28,160 --> 00:47:30,279
Speaker 1: rather than have an empathy for a person and trying

957
00:47:30,320 --> 00:47:32,520
Speaker 1: to understand why that flag is there, they say, I'm

958
00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:34,279
Speaker 1: going to control this and cut them off. I win,

959
00:47:35,080 --> 00:47:37,279
Speaker 1: I win, you lose. You lost me on my terms.

960
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:40,160
Speaker 1: But that's self sabotaging, and I think you just have

961
00:47:40,239 --> 00:47:41,680
Speaker 1: to learn how to deal with that. And it helps

962
00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:44,719
Speaker 1: with um having empathy with your mom first and understanding

963
00:47:44,760 --> 00:47:46,360
Speaker 1: what she went through in her life and stopped putting

964
00:47:46,360 --> 00:47:48,840
Speaker 1: that on yourself, because then you end up feeling like

965
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:51,880
Speaker 1: I don't deserve people. If my mom left me, that

966
00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:54,160
Speaker 1: means I don't deserve people, which means everyone is going

967
00:47:54,200 --> 00:47:56,799
Speaker 1: to leave me, which is not the case. Absolutely that

968
00:47:56,840 --> 00:48:00,319
Speaker 1: helps us, all right, And our second letter starts with hey,

969
00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:02,480
Speaker 1: Conde and devote I love y'all and thank God for

970
00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:05,080
Speaker 1: giving you both the courage to heal others by simply

971
00:48:05,120 --> 00:48:07,919
Speaker 1: living your truth. Than I'd love to hear that thank you.

972
00:48:08,440 --> 00:48:12,000
Speaker 1: In today's climate, there's a lot there's a lack of authenticity,

973
00:48:12,080 --> 00:48:15,560
Speaker 1: So I'm really happy you push the narrative to authentically

974
00:48:15,560 --> 00:48:19,960
Speaker 1: and apologetically be yourself. Thank you, appreciate. I'm in a

975
00:48:20,000 --> 00:48:23,000
Speaker 1: relation or I'm in relation with someone who decides to

976
00:48:23,080 --> 00:48:26,960
Speaker 1: ignore me in times of frustration. Granted I caused the

977
00:48:26,960 --> 00:48:31,319
Speaker 1: frustration sometimes and understand needing to take a breather, come

978
00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:34,800
Speaker 1: back later to discuss for a resolution. Once he decides

979
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:37,520
Speaker 1: to talk to me again, the issue isn't addressed. He

980
00:48:37,560 --> 00:48:40,440
Speaker 1: acts normal as if nothing happened, and it frustrates the

981
00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:44,240
Speaker 1: living ship out of me exactly. Sorry for the verbid.

982
00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:48,320
Speaker 1: I came from a family who did just that growing

983
00:48:48,440 --> 00:48:52,600
Speaker 1: up the same and I've internally suffering, right, I've internally

984
00:48:52,600 --> 00:48:55,680
Speaker 1: suffered from it. So learning to respectfully, effectively and efficiently

985
00:48:55,760 --> 00:48:59,399
Speaker 1: vocalize my concerns has been paramount and very hard. Might

986
00:48:59,440 --> 00:49:04,000
Speaker 1: I add, I completely understand this, this is me. Nevertheless,

987
00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:07,479
Speaker 1: I'm trying, which I am. I've asked him to stop

988
00:49:07,520 --> 00:49:10,480
Speaker 1: ignoring me, as it isn't conducive to my growth and

989
00:49:10,520 --> 00:49:13,360
Speaker 1: to try to articulate himself. But he's under the notion

990
00:49:13,560 --> 00:49:16,840
Speaker 1: what's understood doesn't have to be explained. He also believes

991
00:49:16,880 --> 00:49:20,439
Speaker 1: ignoring is better than blowing up. I disagree. I don't

992
00:49:20,480 --> 00:49:24,440
Speaker 1: think either are effective or efficient. I know people deal

993
00:49:24,480 --> 00:49:27,520
Speaker 1: with things differently and arrive at conclusions at different times,

994
00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:30,560
Speaker 1: but this is truly bothering my spirit. I've tried communicating

995
00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:33,840
Speaker 1: as best I know how, and it seemingly isn't working,

996
00:49:34,000 --> 00:49:36,480
Speaker 1: falling on deaf ears. What are your thoughts? Ps? I

997
00:49:36,480 --> 00:49:38,640
Speaker 1: came to your Life show and had the absolute best

998
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:41,200
Speaker 1: time of my life when you allow the audience to

999
00:49:41,320 --> 00:49:43,880
Speaker 1: space X question. I had my hand up but got scared.

1000
00:49:45,239 --> 00:49:47,120
Speaker 1: Y'all a groundbreak and keep doing what you do and thanks.

1001
00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:50,399
Speaker 1: So with this girl, you're me like, this is literally

1002
00:49:50,840 --> 00:49:54,719
Speaker 1: me having, you know, not had the opportunity or the

1003
00:49:54,800 --> 00:49:57,040
Speaker 1: space or feeling the comfort to be able to describe

1004
00:49:57,080 --> 00:50:01,239
Speaker 1: how I felt in moments. It really really um suffocated

1005
00:50:01,239 --> 00:50:03,759
Speaker 1: me in my relationship with Devout early on, and it

1006
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:07,319
Speaker 1: still continues to be a constant, day in and day

1007
00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:09,720
Speaker 1: out work for me to be able to eloquently express

1008
00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:14,360
Speaker 1: to him how I feel. I think one I've gotten better, um,

1009
00:50:14,400 --> 00:50:16,680
Speaker 1: and thank you for that, thanks for acknowledging it. But

1010
00:50:16,719 --> 00:50:19,080
Speaker 1: I feel like the issue in this whole entire paragraph

1011
00:50:19,160 --> 00:50:21,359
Speaker 1: that she said is that sometimes you have to take

1012
00:50:21,360 --> 00:50:23,440
Speaker 1: a breather and come back to it later to discuss

1013
00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:26,680
Speaker 1: the resolution. That's one thing that I used to think

1014
00:50:26,920 --> 00:50:30,040
Speaker 1: worked particularly for us, And I'm giving you this piece

1015
00:50:30,080 --> 00:50:32,040
Speaker 1: of advice because I know it didn't work for us,

1016
00:50:32,080 --> 00:50:34,879
Speaker 1: and since it's a very similar situation, maybe you can

1017
00:50:34,920 --> 00:50:37,359
Speaker 1: try this and see how it works for you. But

1018
00:50:37,840 --> 00:50:40,440
Speaker 1: Deval and I need to sit in real time in

1019
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:44,120
Speaker 1: the moment, discuss and come to conclusion. Now, the conclusion

1020
00:50:44,120 --> 00:50:46,520
Speaker 1: may not be hunky dorry. We're gonna hug and kiss

1021
00:50:46,520 --> 00:50:49,239
Speaker 1: and we both agreement with each other. No, a lot

1022
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:51,399
Speaker 1: of times it's meant with like, well, you're in titile

1023
00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:53,840
Speaker 1: to feel it what you feel. You're entitled to feel it.

1024
00:50:53,880 --> 00:50:56,800
Speaker 1: What you feel it may not be the same. However,

1025
00:50:56,880 --> 00:50:59,239
Speaker 1: we're going to respect how the other person feels and

1026
00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:02,680
Speaker 1: agree to agree. As cliche as that sounds, but leaving

1027
00:51:02,719 --> 00:51:06,160
Speaker 1: things to fester is never good. And let me I

1028
00:51:06,200 --> 00:51:07,920
Speaker 1: speak on his point, because I'm gonna let you finish

1029
00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:10,120
Speaker 1: his point. When you decide that you want to walk

1030
00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:12,080
Speaker 1: away and take some time and then come back, right,

1031
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:15,000
Speaker 1: You can't just expect that he wants to now then

1032
00:51:15,080 --> 00:51:17,320
Speaker 1: talk about it. And if you left him because Kadina

1033
00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:18,960
Speaker 1: and I have been through this, you left him to

1034
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:21,239
Speaker 1: talk think on his own, and he's figured out a

1035
00:51:21,239 --> 00:51:23,960
Speaker 1: way to let it be okay, he then does not

1036
00:51:24,040 --> 00:51:26,520
Speaker 1: want to talk about it. I've been there before. When

1037
00:51:26,520 --> 00:51:28,080
Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about it, you wanted to walk

1038
00:51:28,120 --> 00:51:30,320
Speaker 1: away and be gone for hours and not say nothing. Cool.

1039
00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:32,520
Speaker 1: Now when you come back, okay, can we talk about it?

1040
00:51:32,560 --> 00:51:35,240
Speaker 1: I don't want to. I've already I've already closed that chapter.

1041
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:37,839
Speaker 1: I'm done with it, which is also not mature by

1042
00:51:37,880 --> 00:51:39,680
Speaker 1: any means. But it's like I don't want to think

1043
00:51:39,680 --> 00:51:41,440
Speaker 1: about it now because I just don't always want to

1044
00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:44,960
Speaker 1: be on your terms. That's where the frustration comes. Nothing

1045
00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:47,200
Speaker 1: has been resolved, and now he wants to act normal

1046
00:51:47,640 --> 00:51:49,279
Speaker 1: and you're like, no, I want to talk about it now.

1047
00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:51,840
Speaker 1: That's unfair. So that's where where he's coming from. It

1048
00:51:51,920 --> 00:51:54,480
Speaker 1: is like, Okay, my time is not important. Your time

1049
00:51:54,520 --> 00:51:58,000
Speaker 1: is more important. Even though you've caused the frustration, that's

1050
00:51:58,040 --> 00:51:59,560
Speaker 1: not fair to me. So that's what he's feeling. We're

1051
00:51:59,560 --> 00:52:06,200
Speaker 1: go ahead. Also he wants to leave. Oh, now you

1052
00:52:06,239 --> 00:52:12,120
Speaker 1: gotta do with that, so our producer uh, correcting me,

1053
00:52:12,560 --> 00:52:17,279
Speaker 1: which really definitely does change the scope of the conversation.

1054
00:52:17,960 --> 00:52:20,880
Speaker 1: When you want to talk, he wants to to walk away.

1055
00:52:21,280 --> 00:52:25,120
Speaker 1: That's where the frustration comes because he's frustrated. He doesn't

1056
00:52:25,160 --> 00:52:28,000
Speaker 1: want to blow up. He'd rather be quiet and ignore it,

1057
00:52:28,320 --> 00:52:32,040
Speaker 1: which I agree that does not help anything. He the

1058
00:52:32,040 --> 00:52:34,240
Speaker 1: same way, she's going to have to learn what triggers

1059
00:52:34,280 --> 00:52:36,680
Speaker 1: her triggers are. He's going to have to learn what

1060
00:52:36,719 --> 00:52:40,160
Speaker 1: his triggers are and learn how to effectively communicate in

1061
00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:44,400
Speaker 1: real time. But because she she also cannot wait on

1062
00:52:44,640 --> 00:52:47,520
Speaker 1: his time. It's not cool to put someone aside, even

1063
00:52:47,560 --> 00:52:50,000
Speaker 1: if they're the cause of the frustration. If she did

1064
00:52:50,040 --> 00:52:52,080
Speaker 1: something wrong to you and you're upset and now she

1065
00:52:52,120 --> 00:52:54,319
Speaker 1: wants to talk about it, I get that. But if

1066
00:52:54,360 --> 00:52:56,759
Speaker 1: this is the person you want to spend your life with,

1067
00:52:57,320 --> 00:52:59,360
Speaker 1: you have to be able to speak to them in

1068
00:52:59,480 --> 00:53:03,600
Speaker 1: real time time, even through your frustration. That's what growth is. Yeah,

1069
00:53:03,640 --> 00:53:05,279
Speaker 1: and it's hard for me. I'm not even gonna lie

1070
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:07,479
Speaker 1: like sometimes in real time it's hard for me because

1071
00:53:07,480 --> 00:53:09,680
Speaker 1: I tend to do what get really emotional. So if

1072
00:53:09,719 --> 00:53:11,680
Speaker 1: I get emotional and then like my eyes are welling

1073
00:53:11,719 --> 00:53:13,279
Speaker 1: up and I'm starting to tear up and I'm starting

1074
00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:14,520
Speaker 1: to cry, and then de vals just like, what are

1075
00:53:14,520 --> 00:53:16,080
Speaker 1: You're crying for your being a victim? And I'm like,

1076
00:53:16,280 --> 00:53:18,200
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to play victim, but that's just how

1077
00:53:18,280 --> 00:53:20,200
Speaker 1: it's affecting me in that moment. So now I'm being

1078
00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:23,680
Speaker 1: judged for crying, and now for being for for being

1079
00:53:23,719 --> 00:53:26,320
Speaker 1: that this cry baby, and norm I'm not looking for

1080
00:53:26,480 --> 00:53:29,560
Speaker 1: any kind of um, you know, special attention. I'm not

1081
00:53:29,600 --> 00:53:31,200
Speaker 1: looking to be the victim, not looking for you to

1082
00:53:31,239 --> 00:53:33,040
Speaker 1: console me. I'm not trying to make you the villain.

1083
00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:35,960
Speaker 1: But this is how I'm naturally reacting in this moment.

1084
00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:38,960
Speaker 1: So sometimes for me, it requires that I kind of

1085
00:53:39,000 --> 00:53:41,200
Speaker 1: step away from it so that way I can gather

1086
00:53:41,320 --> 00:53:45,200
Speaker 1: my emotions to then effectively communicate. I understand, I understand

1087
00:53:45,200 --> 00:53:46,759
Speaker 1: where you're coming from, and I was wrong for that,

1088
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:52,040
Speaker 1: but once again having empathy and listening to people, the

1089
00:53:52,080 --> 00:53:54,680
Speaker 1: way I felt in that moment was you if you've

1090
00:53:54,680 --> 00:53:56,960
Speaker 1: done something to me and now I'm expressing to you

1091
00:53:57,000 --> 00:53:59,719
Speaker 1: how it made me feel, And now you're crying. It's

1092
00:53:59,719 --> 00:54:01,279
Speaker 1: like you did something to me, and now I have

1093
00:54:01,360 --> 00:54:04,880
Speaker 1: to console you about something you've done exactly. The shift

1094
00:54:05,000 --> 00:54:07,160
Speaker 1: ends up being that we don't even really sometimes get

1095
00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:08,840
Speaker 1: to the root of the issue right now. I have

1096
00:54:08,880 --> 00:54:10,799
Speaker 1: to spend all this time trying to calm you down,

1097
00:54:11,200 --> 00:54:13,319
Speaker 1: and at times it was just like, bro, I'm the one.

1098
00:54:13,360 --> 00:54:15,319
Speaker 1: That's that's why I like I had to walk away

1099
00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:16,839
Speaker 1: because I'm like, I don't want to make it about me.

1100
00:54:16,880 --> 00:54:18,920
Speaker 1: It's not about me. You're the one who's upset. Let

1101
00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:20,560
Speaker 1: me come back when I'm in a better mental space

1102
00:54:20,600 --> 00:54:22,840
Speaker 1: to be able to have this conversation without emotion, but

1103
00:54:22,880 --> 00:54:25,279
Speaker 1: also imagine being the one to do something to me

1104
00:54:25,360 --> 00:54:26,799
Speaker 1: and then tell me you don't want to talk to

1105
00:54:26,800 --> 00:54:29,120
Speaker 1: me about what you did to me. It's like, it's

1106
00:54:29,120 --> 00:54:31,200
Speaker 1: like I can't win. You know what I'm saying. I

1107
00:54:31,239 --> 00:54:33,880
Speaker 1: can't win. But this is where having empathy because we

1108
00:54:33,960 --> 00:54:35,600
Speaker 1: just had this discussion where you said to me is like,

1109
00:54:35,640 --> 00:54:37,120
Speaker 1: I don't want to cry and make you think that's

1110
00:54:37,280 --> 00:54:39,279
Speaker 1: that it's about me. It's about to not talk. And

1111
00:54:39,320 --> 00:54:40,680
Speaker 1: I said, well, you know what, that's wrong for me

1112
00:54:40,760 --> 00:54:44,600
Speaker 1: to tell you how to feel about what I'm saying.

1113
00:54:44,920 --> 00:54:47,400
Speaker 1: If what I'm saying about how you made me feel

1114
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:49,799
Speaker 1: makes you cry. I have to receive that that's how

1115
00:54:49,880 --> 00:54:53,600
Speaker 1: you feel. I can't tell you how to respond to

1116
00:54:53,640 --> 00:54:56,560
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, and that's also me just having empathy.

1117
00:54:56,680 --> 00:54:59,480
Speaker 1: So then what we came to conclusion was don't walk

1118
00:54:59,520 --> 00:55:01,640
Speaker 1: away from me. I'd rather you be here and cry

1119
00:55:01,719 --> 00:55:04,000
Speaker 1: to me. But now I have to be strong enough

1120
00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:06,359
Speaker 1: to say, hey, she's crying because she feels a way.

1121
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:08,960
Speaker 1: I have to continue to talk through what's my problem,

1122
00:55:09,320 --> 00:55:12,040
Speaker 1: not stop what I'm saying to make her not cry,

1123
00:55:12,360 --> 00:55:14,640
Speaker 1: because that also is a false way to get through issues.

1124
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:16,080
Speaker 1: I just don't want to see my wife cry, so

1125
00:55:16,200 --> 00:55:18,640
Speaker 1: I'll say whatever. And I used to do that. You you

1126
00:55:18,520 --> 00:55:19,960
Speaker 1: you would cry and I'd be like, I know, worry

1127
00:55:19,960 --> 00:55:21,719
Speaker 1: about I'm fine. I'm fine. I promise you I'm fine,

1128
00:55:21,760 --> 00:55:23,360
Speaker 1: And then you'd be like, okay, he's a he's fine,

1129
00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:27,359
Speaker 1: But I still wouldn't be fine. That's not okay. Let

1130
00:55:27,360 --> 00:55:30,320
Speaker 1: her cry if she wants to cry, if she anything

1131
00:55:30,360 --> 00:55:32,360
Speaker 1: like me, let the cry. Let her cry, because I

1132
00:55:32,400 --> 00:55:35,400
Speaker 1: also realized that my wife is strong enough to cry,

1133
00:55:35,440 --> 00:55:37,840
Speaker 1: but listen to what I'm saying, but she also feels

1134
00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:39,680
Speaker 1: bad that I and she said on time, She's like,

1135
00:55:39,719 --> 00:55:41,640
Speaker 1: I just feel bad that I'm making you feel bad.

1136
00:55:42,320 --> 00:55:43,919
Speaker 1: And I used to be like, well, I'm feeling bad

1137
00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:46,160
Speaker 1: that I'm making you feel bad about making me feel bad,

1138
00:55:46,200 --> 00:55:48,120
Speaker 1: and then it becomes a self loathing thing where I'm

1139
00:55:48,160 --> 00:55:49,720
Speaker 1: just like, I'm just the worst person in the world

1140
00:55:49,719 --> 00:55:51,440
Speaker 1: for making you feel like this. And then you know,

1141
00:55:52,120 --> 00:55:55,040
Speaker 1: I would say to her because she's asking what should

1142
00:55:55,040 --> 00:55:59,359
Speaker 1: I do? UM, it's difficult with someone who doesn't want

1143
00:55:59,360 --> 00:56:01,680
Speaker 1: to communicate. It depends on how long you've been together.

1144
00:56:02,320 --> 00:56:04,840
Speaker 1: Give them time and keep trying and give them empathy

1145
00:56:04,840 --> 00:56:06,880
Speaker 1: to understand that they've probably going through some things that

1146
00:56:06,920 --> 00:56:09,920
Speaker 1: they working through on their own. If he loves you,

1147
00:56:10,480 --> 00:56:12,440
Speaker 1: and you know, because this is a very important part too,

1148
00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:15,319
Speaker 1: there's another whole podcast triple write this down. We're going

1149
00:56:15,360 --> 00:56:18,960
Speaker 1: to do a whole podcast on choices, right because there's

1150
00:56:18,960 --> 00:56:21,359
Speaker 1: a lot of people who ask me questions and they

1151
00:56:21,400 --> 00:56:23,799
Speaker 1: tell me, these bitches be doing this, these bayes be

1152
00:56:23,800 --> 00:56:25,439
Speaker 1: doing that. But it's like you keep choosing the same

1153
00:56:25,480 --> 00:56:28,640
Speaker 1: person over and over again. There's billions of women in

1154
00:56:28,640 --> 00:56:30,680
Speaker 1: the world, but you keep choosing the same type of

1155
00:56:30,680 --> 00:56:33,160
Speaker 1: woman and saying that all women are like this, No,

1156
00:56:33,400 --> 00:56:36,440
Speaker 1: you keep choosing. When you've chosen someone to be with,

1157
00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:39,520
Speaker 1: how they respond is up to you whether or not

1158
00:56:39,560 --> 00:56:41,719
Speaker 1: you want to be in that relationship. So if you're

1159
00:56:41,760 --> 00:56:43,680
Speaker 1: trying to work and trying to work and realizing that

1160
00:56:43,719 --> 00:56:47,080
Speaker 1: you're the only one trying to work, there may come

1161
00:56:47,080 --> 00:56:48,560
Speaker 1: a point where you have to say, this is no

1162
00:56:48,560 --> 00:56:52,440
Speaker 1: longer a relationship I'm carrying, and I need to be

1163
00:56:52,600 --> 00:56:54,560
Speaker 1: in a relationship where someone's gonna work as hard as me.

1164
00:56:55,000 --> 00:56:57,759
Speaker 1: That's a hard truth. But no one has to be there.

1165
00:56:57,800 --> 00:56:59,480
Speaker 1: We talk about this in the book We over me

1166
00:56:59,600 --> 00:57:03,400
Speaker 1: shout uh, shameless plug, but we always talk about it.

1167
00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:05,640
Speaker 1: The opening of the book, we mentioned that no one

1168
00:57:06,560 --> 00:57:10,440
Speaker 1: deserves well, no one has a right to your presence,

1169
00:57:11,480 --> 00:57:14,279
Speaker 1: and you don't have to give anything to anybody. So

1170
00:57:14,360 --> 00:57:16,440
Speaker 1: anything you give to someone or anything they give to

1171
00:57:16,480 --> 00:57:19,120
Speaker 1: you as a privilege, remember that. And if you constantly

1172
00:57:19,120 --> 00:57:21,560
Speaker 1: live in that space, it's easy for you to walk

1173
00:57:21,600 --> 00:57:25,640
Speaker 1: away when the situation does not no longer provides what

1174
00:57:25,720 --> 00:57:29,080
Speaker 1: you need. I love that. I love that. I think

1175
00:57:29,080 --> 00:57:31,480
Speaker 1: there's some great advice and just know says you're not alone,

1176
00:57:31,480 --> 00:57:33,240
Speaker 1: and at least you're asking to find out the right

1177
00:57:33,280 --> 00:57:35,840
Speaker 1: avenue to be able to tackle this. When people writing

1178
00:57:35,880 --> 00:57:38,040
Speaker 1: for listening letters, y'all, we take that as you being

1179
00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:40,919
Speaker 1: concerned about whatever situation that you're in and you're really

1180
00:57:40,920 --> 00:57:42,520
Speaker 1: trying to find a way to make it work. So

1181
00:57:42,560 --> 00:57:45,000
Speaker 1: we appreciate you all really being vulnerable with us, and

1182
00:57:45,160 --> 00:57:46,800
Speaker 1: you know, thanks for even listening to our little two

1183
00:57:46,840 --> 00:57:49,080
Speaker 1: sins because you know, we don't have all the answers,

1184
00:57:49,120 --> 00:57:53,200
Speaker 1: but we're trying it out and hopefully it helps change

1185
00:57:53,240 --> 00:57:56,840
Speaker 1: with us because Kadina and I are different people from

1186
00:57:56,920 --> 00:57:59,080
Speaker 1: two thousand eight teen when we started this podcast. That

1187
00:57:59,200 --> 00:58:01,560
Speaker 1: is a fact. That is a fact. All right. I'll

1188
00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:03,680
Speaker 1: keep writing in for listening letters. If you want to

1189
00:58:03,680 --> 00:58:05,800
Speaker 1: be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure

1190
00:58:05,840 --> 00:58:08,960
Speaker 1: to email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com.

1191
00:58:09,000 --> 00:58:11,439
Speaker 1: That's right, that's D E A D A S S

1192
00:58:11,480 --> 00:58:14,680
Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com.

1193
00:58:14,720 --> 00:58:17,720
Speaker 1: All right, we're talking empathy today and what would you

1194
00:58:17,960 --> 00:58:20,680
Speaker 1: want to some things up with as your moment of truth?

1195
00:58:21,320 --> 00:58:27,959
Speaker 1: We're talking about feelings. I would saying, while I'm up cleaning,

1196
00:58:28,000 --> 00:58:31,960
Speaker 1: pick up your feelings. No, I would say, it's important

1197
00:58:32,160 --> 00:58:36,800
Speaker 1: for people to understand that emotions are real. Number one thing.

1198
00:58:37,360 --> 00:58:40,000
Speaker 1: Stop telling people that they are not entitled to feel

1199
00:58:40,000 --> 00:58:43,800
Speaker 1: the way they feel. Everyone is entitled to feel the

1200
00:58:43,840 --> 00:58:46,720
Speaker 1: way they feel. What you have to start doing if

1201
00:58:46,720 --> 00:58:48,720
Speaker 1: you want to become a more productive human And why

1202
00:58:48,760 --> 00:58:50,520
Speaker 1: I say productive human is because if you want to

1203
00:58:50,520 --> 00:58:56,800
Speaker 1: be better in relationships, business, work, parent, child, intimate relationships,

1204
00:58:56,840 --> 00:58:59,960
Speaker 1: the greatest thing you can have in this life is empathy,

1205
00:59:00,080 --> 00:59:02,960
Speaker 1: because empathy allows you to see from a different perspective.

1206
00:59:03,000 --> 00:59:06,720
Speaker 1: Empathy opens up your eyes. Empathy gives you a three

1207
00:59:06,840 --> 00:59:10,400
Speaker 1: sixty view of a situation as opposed to the one

1208
00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:13,640
Speaker 1: view that you have sitting from where you're sitting. Because

1209
00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:17,600
Speaker 1: as people, we are extremely limited with these two eyes. Right,

1210
00:59:17,680 --> 00:59:19,840
Speaker 1: we have our peripheral vision and the vision in front,

1211
00:59:19,880 --> 00:59:22,040
Speaker 1: so we can see about one eight. Well, there's a

1212
00:59:22,040 --> 00:59:24,800
Speaker 1: whole d eighty degrees behind us that we can't yea.

1213
00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:29,240
Speaker 1: And if you allow yourself to have empathy, you give

1214
00:59:29,280 --> 00:59:32,200
Speaker 1: yourself a greater amount of vision, which can open up

1215
00:59:32,200 --> 00:59:35,960
Speaker 1: your mind and you can learn a lot more. Give

1216
00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:38,439
Speaker 1: them an entire mouthful. You know what I'm saying them

1217
00:59:38,600 --> 00:59:40,360
Speaker 1: the truth? Good job. This is great because this is

1218
00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:42,120
Speaker 1: an episode that you came up with the topic four

1219
00:59:42,120 --> 00:59:43,400
Speaker 1: and I think it was great that we were able

1220
00:59:43,440 --> 00:59:45,840
Speaker 1: to discuss it. Um, I guess my moment. The truth

1221
00:59:45,880 --> 00:59:47,520
Speaker 1: is going to be pretty simple because you said pretty

1222
00:59:47,600 --> 00:59:52,520
Speaker 1: much everything. Um. Learn how to be empathetic without having

1223
00:59:52,560 --> 00:59:58,800
Speaker 1: to be in defense. Oh, okay, you can. You can.

1224
00:59:58,840 --> 01:00:02,480
Speaker 1: They're not move mutual exclusive. You can be empathetic towards

1225
01:00:02,480 --> 01:00:05,040
Speaker 1: someone and have empathy for something that you may have

1226
01:00:05,240 --> 01:00:08,480
Speaker 1: done or feelings that you've evoked in that person without

1227
01:00:08,520 --> 01:00:10,840
Speaker 1: feeling like you're just the bad guy, or you're to blame,

1228
01:00:10,960 --> 01:00:13,560
Speaker 1: or what you did was necessarily wrong. Because no one

1229
01:00:13,680 --> 01:00:16,840
Speaker 1: is gonna not every not every person is going to

1230
01:00:16,960 --> 01:00:19,280
Speaker 1: feel the exact way you feel about a scenario. We're

1231
01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:21,800
Speaker 1: all different, we all react to things differently, And although

1232
01:00:21,880 --> 01:00:23,400
Speaker 1: your heart might have been in the right place if

1233
01:00:23,400 --> 01:00:26,200
Speaker 1: it wasn't received that way, you don't necessarily have to

1234
01:00:25,960 --> 01:00:28,680
Speaker 1: be down on yourself that you've you're to blame. You

1235
01:00:28,760 --> 01:00:32,200
Speaker 1: just opened up a different perspective having empathy for yourself, yeah,

1236
01:00:32,640 --> 01:00:34,720
Speaker 1: and saying, you know what, I didn't do that on purpose.

1237
01:00:35,280 --> 01:00:37,080
Speaker 1: I'm not the worst person in the world. I can

1238
01:00:37,160 --> 01:00:39,240
Speaker 1: make in correction and move on. That's that's a great

1239
01:00:39,720 --> 01:00:42,000
Speaker 1: at A tip is empathy doesn't only go to other people.

1240
01:00:42,040 --> 01:00:44,040
Speaker 1: You can also have empathy and get place to yourself

1241
01:00:44,360 --> 01:00:47,240
Speaker 1: that love, that perfect way to end, all right, y'all?

1242
01:00:47,480 --> 01:00:49,360
Speaker 1: And if you want to be featured on social media,

1243
01:00:49,960 --> 01:00:51,760
Speaker 1: um no, you don't want to be featured on social media.

1244
01:00:51,800 --> 01:00:56,240
Speaker 1: Why can I get it together today? Feelings empathy for me? All,

1245
01:00:56,320 --> 01:01:01,200
Speaker 1: let's talk? All right, So we already did the list

1246
01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:04,080
Speaker 1: of letter. If you want to be featured, however, you

1247
01:01:04,120 --> 01:01:06,480
Speaker 1: can follow us on social media, and I think you should.

1248
01:01:06,680 --> 01:01:09,640
Speaker 1: If you're not already did ask the podcast and I'm Cadine,

1249
01:01:09,680 --> 01:01:12,200
Speaker 1: I am and I am devout And if you're listening

1250
01:01:12,320 --> 01:01:16,640
Speaker 1: on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe.

1251
01:01:17,040 --> 01:01:21,200
Speaker 1: Dead As Dead Ass is a production of I Heart

1252
01:01:21,240 --> 01:01:24,560
Speaker 1: Media podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and

1253
01:01:24,640 --> 01:01:27,720
Speaker 1: Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as

1254
01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:29,400
Speaker 1: the Podcasts and Never Miss a Thing