1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:03,840 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:08,639 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like substance abuse, 3 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:15,280 Speaker 1: suicidal thoughts, childhood, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. Please take care. 4 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:22,079 Speaker 1: Last time on Crumbs, I made my way through my 5 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:26,319 Speaker 1: teenage years living a double life, trying to be a 6 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:30,640 Speaker 1: stellar student with the bright future and drinking and using 7 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:36,800 Speaker 1: to number pain I was feeling all along. Life got 8 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:40,320 Speaker 1: even more complicated when I got custody of my sisters. 9 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,760 Speaker 1: Every day it felt like I put on this costume 10 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,120 Speaker 1: of a responsible parent and then took it off at 11 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:53,000 Speaker 1: night and got into some serious trouble. Then the costume 12 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:56,880 Speaker 1: started to fall apart. It was like people could see 13 00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:00,920 Speaker 1: right through it at the real me, but I didn't 14 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:04,679 Speaker 1: see it. So when I got into a massifight with 15 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,959 Speaker 1: my roommate after she called the police on me, I 16 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:11,320 Speaker 1: didn't see the real problem because she was getting in 17 00:01:11,319 --> 00:01:14,760 Speaker 1: the way of the life I wanted to live, so 18 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:22,280 Speaker 1: I chased after that life. I was still sort of 19 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: hoping that everyone else was wrong, that this was all 20 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:29,720 Speaker 1: just a perfectly fine phase of my life, my young 21 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:34,480 Speaker 1: carefree party phase, hoping that this wasn't the real me 22 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:38,440 Speaker 1: at all. But I wasn't hoping for life without alcohol. 23 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 1: I never saw it as a problem. So what was 24 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:47,360 Speaker 1: I really hoping for? An alternate reality? And what happens 25 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,040 Speaker 1: when that hope is lost? 26 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:52,800 Speaker 2: I'm Emmy and. 27 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 1: This is crumbs, and to show about the things we 28 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:58,840 Speaker 1: settled for and the bits of ourselves that make us 29 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:07,320 Speaker 1: who we are. This season my sobriety journey in twelve steps, 30 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:19,720 Speaker 1: Step two hope. This episode, before I can find hope, 31 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:31,359 Speaker 1: I have to lose it. It didn't take long after 32 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,000 Speaker 1: my blow up fight with my roommate for me to 33 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:40,280 Speaker 1: decide to move to the Ijuana with my sisters. I 34 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:46,040 Speaker 1: find a really nice condo in Djuana. It's a gated community, 35 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:52,560 Speaker 1: brand new buildings. So I sell this to my sisters, like, listen, 36 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,720 Speaker 1: we're going to be living in a luxurious apartment. 37 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,400 Speaker 2: We can have a maid. It's going to be great. 38 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,160 Speaker 1: And they're very resistant to moving to Mexico because they 39 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,200 Speaker 1: know that then they're going to have to wake up 40 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,240 Speaker 1: at the crack of dawn to cross the border. But 41 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 1: so many people do it, it's so common. Andrea's dating 42 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:17,200 Speaker 1: her high school sweetheart, so she's like resistant because she 43 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,840 Speaker 1: wants to be close to him. 44 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:21,640 Speaker 2: Somehow I convince. 45 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:30,720 Speaker 1: Them, and so we moved to Mexico. 46 00:03:32,639 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 2: We woke up at five am. 47 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,320 Speaker 1: I'd get them ready, we'd get in the car and 48 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 1: drive to the border. If you've been to the border, 49 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:47,360 Speaker 1: you know there's so many vendors, food vendors. So we 50 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,320 Speaker 1: eat breakfasts at the border while we waited to cross, 51 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:55,040 Speaker 1: and then we cross to the US. I dropped them 52 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,960 Speaker 1: off at school and then I drive to work. 53 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,120 Speaker 2: Monday through Friday. 54 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:06,200 Speaker 1: Thing on the weekends, they'd stay with Mamilicha, or with 55 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,840 Speaker 1: my nana or with friends. And I was okay with 56 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,920 Speaker 1: that because that allowed me to party on the weekends 57 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:14,320 Speaker 1: in Mexico. 58 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:19,760 Speaker 2: So everyone knows that I have a drinking problem. 59 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 1: Now people don't like me around them that much because 60 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:29,880 Speaker 1: I am the kind of drinker that will ruin your 61 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:36,000 Speaker 1: birthday party. I am the kind of drinker that will 62 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:40,000 Speaker 1: smash my hand into my goddaughter's birthday cake at her 63 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,159 Speaker 1: to year birthday party and knock it to the floor. 64 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,840 Speaker 1: I take souvenirs from people. I try to jump out 65 00:04:48,839 --> 00:04:54,560 Speaker 1: of moving vehicles. So my life is a little bit lonely. 66 00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:58,520 Speaker 1: I have a few friends, and these are my friends 67 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:01,920 Speaker 1: that are just like me, who party liked. 68 00:05:01,839 --> 00:05:03,600 Speaker 2: Me, who drink like me. 69 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,600 Speaker 1: Instead of changing my drinking to fit my life, I 70 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:17,240 Speaker 1: changed my life to fit my drinking and using. I 71 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:23,560 Speaker 1: realized that cocaine made me blackout a lot less. So 72 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:28,039 Speaker 1: during this time, I've become very close to a coworker 73 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:35,560 Speaker 1: of MINEI Joli, started working at the phone company at 74 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:39,159 Speaker 1: the same time that I started working. We sat very 75 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 1: close to each other in the call center. She was 76 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:46,280 Speaker 1: maybe one year older than me. She was also very 77 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:50,520 Speaker 1: good at her job. She was pretty, she was fun. 78 00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:55,720 Speaker 1: We had the same dark sense of humor. We had 79 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,880 Speaker 1: enough in common that when we saw each other we 80 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:02,560 Speaker 1: knew we should hang out. And you know, you have me, 81 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:10,840 Speaker 1: who is this like feminine person. But her brother was gay, 82 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:16,600 Speaker 1: and back then it just wasn't talked about. So I 83 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:21,680 Speaker 1: think maybe Yoli gravitated to me because of that, and 84 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:27,880 Speaker 1: we just became close. We understood each other and could 85 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:32,640 Speaker 1: drink and use like me. Yoli was going through a 86 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:38,080 Speaker 1: separation after being in a relationship for years. She's ready 87 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 1: to get out there and party. So Joli and I 88 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:45,440 Speaker 1: start hanging out with one of our male coworkers who 89 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:50,200 Speaker 1: lives in Tijuana, and he is tied to some drug 90 00:06:50,240 --> 00:07:00,120 Speaker 1: dealers in Mexico, which for Jolie and I meant free cocaine. 91 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:05,080 Speaker 1: So we're going out a lot VIP tables, bottle service, 92 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:11,200 Speaker 1: strip clubs, fun fancy things, and there's a group of 93 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:15,600 Speaker 1: us that go out every Weekendoli, her boyfriend, another male 94 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:22,280 Speaker 1: coworker of ours, and me. One night, we're out at 95 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:26,880 Speaker 1: a club and we're sitting down with the drug dealers, 96 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:34,680 Speaker 1: his guards, his friendsli me, my coworker, and cocaine didn't 97 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:35,400 Speaker 1: do its magic. 98 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:37,160 Speaker 2: I blacked out. 99 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,600 Speaker 1: When I came to I had an AK forty seven 100 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:47,560 Speaker 1: pointed at my head because I had disrespected the drug 101 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:52,119 Speaker 1: dealer and his girlfriend. Joli and her boyfriend weren't there. 102 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,600 Speaker 1: It was my other coworker who would go out with 103 00:07:55,680 --> 00:08:00,840 Speaker 1: us often, and he somehow convinced the drug dealer's people 104 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 1: to not shoot me. This coworker took care of me 105 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:10,160 Speaker 1: a lot. He was one of those macho guys that 106 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:15,520 Speaker 1: didn't mind having a gay friend, and he made sure 107 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:19,840 Speaker 1: that I was okay always. And when they left, he 108 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:24,480 Speaker 1: looked at me. He was furious, and he got my 109 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,760 Speaker 1: car keys and threw them. 110 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,280 Speaker 2: At me, and he said, I'm fucking done. With you. 111 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:33,240 Speaker 1: So I grabbed my car keys. I got in my 112 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:37,400 Speaker 1: car and I meant to go home, and then I 113 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:44,480 Speaker 1: blacked out again. When I came to, I was in 114 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:49,080 Speaker 1: the backseat of a cop car and I asked what happened. 115 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 1: He told me that I had hit a parked car. 116 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 1: So I got arrested for driving under the influence in Mexico. 117 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:07,400 Speaker 1: I started crying and I was not sure what was 118 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,719 Speaker 1: going to happen with me. I was scared. And then 119 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:14,320 Speaker 1: he took me to jail, and I was in this 120 00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 1: little room with other people, and they threw us in 121 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:22,640 Speaker 1: this little cell. There was about ten guys in one 122 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 1: of the cells, and it was really cold. 123 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:26,240 Speaker 2: I didn't have a jacket. 124 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:31,280 Speaker 1: I was wearing a dress shirt, some jeans, some dress shoes. 125 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:36,280 Speaker 1: I didn't have my wallet, I didn't have anything. They 126 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:39,160 Speaker 1: brought this guy in and they told us that he 127 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:43,240 Speaker 1: had just murdered someone. This other guy had just ran 128 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,760 Speaker 1: over a little girl. They didn't care. They just put 129 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:50,280 Speaker 1: us all together. I honestly didn't think I had anything 130 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,120 Speaker 1: in common with them, but the police didn't care. They 131 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:59,000 Speaker 1: lumped us in all together. I got arrested on a Friday, 132 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 1: but the US con it was closed, and they weren't 133 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,080 Speaker 1: gonna let me make a phone call until they got 134 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 1: ahold of the US consulate. They also didn't feed us there. 135 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:15,120 Speaker 1: People were allowed to have their families bring them food, 136 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:19,400 Speaker 1: but I had no way of calling anyone, so no 137 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:24,520 Speaker 1: one knew where I was. So my cellmates would sometimes 138 00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:28,120 Speaker 1: share a bite with me, and we didn't have blankets, 139 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,800 Speaker 1: so we try to keep ourselves warm by like being 140 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,840 Speaker 1: very close to each other, like kind of quody heat, 141 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:35,520 Speaker 1: I should say. 142 00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:38,079 Speaker 2: There's also no toilet paper, so. 143 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 1: I think by Monday morning I have had to have 144 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,040 Speaker 1: disposed of my socks. 145 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:48,400 Speaker 2: And my underwear rough few days. 146 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 1: Then Monday morning I was allowed to see someone I called. 147 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 2: Mamilicha or my nun. 148 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,199 Speaker 1: I don't remember which one I called first, but one 149 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,720 Speaker 1: of them got ahold of the other and they were 150 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:10,840 Speaker 1: there quick, and I finally got released that evening. I 151 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:15,839 Speaker 1: remember crossing back to the US with them, and they 152 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:19,160 Speaker 1: were just so worried and they didn't know what was 153 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,319 Speaker 1: happening with me. They kept asking me like why are 154 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:25,960 Speaker 1: you doing this to yourself? Like how can we help you. 155 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:31,080 Speaker 1: Mamie Chad just was so worried about me, and she 156 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,680 Speaker 1: asked me why I was acting that way like. She 157 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,520 Speaker 1: asked me, what is it about you that is so 158 00:11:37,679 --> 00:11:41,440 Speaker 1: painful that you have to drink so much? And I 159 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:44,120 Speaker 1: told her something that I had not really told anyone, 160 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:51,400 Speaker 1: that I had been sexually molested by someone in her family. 161 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:57,040 Speaker 1: There were these two men that were very close to 162 00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,600 Speaker 1: the family that would do things to me when I 163 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: was little, mind of ea child would sometimes when she 164 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,400 Speaker 1: was doing her business deal, she'd leave me with him, 165 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:09,280 Speaker 1: and then on the other side of my family, I 166 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:14,200 Speaker 1: had the other one, the other uncle, who would touched 167 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:18,880 Speaker 1: me inappropriately. This was something I did in the spur 168 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,320 Speaker 1: of the moment. It's not something that I ever planned 169 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,240 Speaker 1: on telling them, because I knew it was going to 170 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 1: cause them pain. I knew that they were going to 171 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:33,360 Speaker 1: feel guilty that this happened under their watch. But I 172 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:38,160 Speaker 1: was dying inside. I had to tell them, and I 173 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:41,280 Speaker 1: could see it. I could see the pain in their eyes. 174 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,880 Speaker 1: I don't think either one of them knew how to 175 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:49,000 Speaker 1: help me. I know that they wish that this would 176 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 1: have never happened to me, and that they felt responsible 177 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:57,079 Speaker 1: to some point. But for me telling them was I 178 00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:01,320 Speaker 1: felt that I wasn't carrying around this secret that was 179 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:06,120 Speaker 1: killing me inside for years. I thought that I was 180 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:10,640 Speaker 1: letting it out, and obviously they were safe people for me, 181 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 1: right they were the women that raised me. I wasn't 182 00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:19,960 Speaker 1: alone in this anymore. Telling them didn't take away my pain, 183 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 1: not enough that I could stop drinking or that I 184 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:29,720 Speaker 1: was ready to process the trauma anymore, but it lessened 185 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:41,079 Speaker 1: it a little bit. I was scared to stay in 186 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,520 Speaker 1: TG because of what had happened with the drug dealer. 187 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:47,400 Speaker 1: I was scared for my life because I thought, well, 188 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,120 Speaker 1: if they wanted to kill me that night, if they 189 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:50,800 Speaker 1: see me, they're gonna kill me. 190 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:55,400 Speaker 2: I don't have like my coworker's protection. And I knew 191 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,360 Speaker 2: that I had to move back to the US. 192 00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:00,439 Speaker 1: And the Anthonya did not want to come back to 193 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,000 Speaker 1: live in Tijuana. 194 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 2: They were worried about. 195 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:07,400 Speaker 1: Me, so I decided to give up the apartment and 196 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,600 Speaker 1: move back to the US. So for a while, I 197 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:14,839 Speaker 1: stayed on people's couches, including my coworker Cynthia, whose son 198 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:19,680 Speaker 1: went to school with Andrea. Whenever I could stay with Cynthia, 199 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,840 Speaker 1: I would. She was like a mother figure to me. 200 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: She's so loving and supportive. I just felt better being 201 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 1: with her, or other times I would stay with my 202 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:35,520 Speaker 1: nana while I looked for a place to live. I 203 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 1: went on this disability from work and then Danila were 204 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 1: staying either with Mamilicha or at my nana's house. During 205 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,960 Speaker 1: this time, I feel like my family's falling apart. The 206 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,600 Speaker 1: family that I had created with my sisters, that structure 207 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,560 Speaker 1: and that stability that I was providing for them. That's 208 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:58,240 Speaker 1: when things started crumbling. So I felt like I had 209 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,320 Speaker 1: failed as a parent, that I had failed my sisters. 210 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,480 Speaker 2: I had taken so much pride. 211 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:07,440 Speaker 1: In being a parent, A because I knew that I 212 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,920 Speaker 1: was probably never going to have kids of my own, 213 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:13,360 Speaker 1: and B because I like being the hero. 214 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,200 Speaker 2: I like being able to be. 215 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,920 Speaker 1: Such an influence in my sister's lives and show them 216 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:23,360 Speaker 1: a better quality of life, provide them with structural stability, 217 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:28,080 Speaker 1: traditions that I didn't have growing up, and that was 218 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:33,160 Speaker 1: no longer there. I felt at that time that I 219 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,840 Speaker 1: had failed everyone. I felt like my life wasn't really 220 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:43,680 Speaker 1: that spectacular. So what's the point now? And I start parting. 221 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:48,240 Speaker 2: More, I keep drinking, I keep drugging with Yoli. 222 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,040 Speaker 1: I realize this may sound like it's a cycle that 223 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:56,240 Speaker 1: just continues, like I'm repeating myself over and over again. 224 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,960 Speaker 1: One part of my life falls apart, and I fill 225 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,960 Speaker 1: it with more partying, with more drinking, with more using. 226 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:07,240 Speaker 1: But at the time it just felt like the norm 227 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 1: for me. That's all I knew at the time, how 228 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:17,440 Speaker 1: to fill this void with drugs and alcohol. The one 229 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,000 Speaker 1: stable thing in my life at this point is Yoli. 230 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:24,480 Speaker 1: Parting with her and sometimes she gets in the fight 231 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:28,120 Speaker 1: with her druglar boyfriend, they separate, but that doesn't change 232 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:32,400 Speaker 1: anything for us. We're still partying, but now we're partying 233 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,800 Speaker 1: in San Diego. The relationship that I had with Yoli 234 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:40,480 Speaker 1: was like the perfect friendship. I used to always say, like, 235 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,560 Speaker 1: You're the female version of me. I felt like she 236 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:51,400 Speaker 1: understood me. My memory is a little fuzzy, but what 237 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,880 Speaker 1: I do remember is that I had gone to this 238 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,360 Speaker 1: bar in Chula Vista. I had gone with Yoli. 239 00:16:58,960 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 2: I remember leaving the bar. 240 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,360 Speaker 1: I think I was dozing off when all of a sudden, 241 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,360 Speaker 1: aloud a crash woke me up. I had just ran 242 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:14,680 Speaker 1: into this bus stop. I got a flat tire. But 243 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,640 Speaker 1: my friend, someone that I went to high school with 244 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:20,720 Speaker 1: that I was kind of close to, lived half a 245 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:24,080 Speaker 1: block up from that bus stop. So I drove to 246 00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:28,159 Speaker 1: her house, parked my car, and they let me in 247 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,879 Speaker 1: and they helped me change the tire. I called Eoli, 248 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:37,240 Speaker 1: but she wasn't answering. I didn't get a hold of 249 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:42,159 Speaker 1: her till the very next day in the morning, and 250 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:45,879 Speaker 1: what I remember is her coming to my friend's house. 251 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 1: I thought she was coming to help me, and when 252 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,320 Speaker 1: she showed up, she. 253 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:52,040 Speaker 2: Was furious with me. 254 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,760 Speaker 1: Apparently I had spat in her face the night before. 255 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,000 Speaker 1: I was complaining to her about what had just happened, 256 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 1: complaining to her about what a shitty night I had, 257 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:07,359 Speaker 1: hitting the bus stop, getting the flat tire, and then 258 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:11,800 Speaker 1: she stopped me. She said something to me that hit 259 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:17,560 Speaker 1: really deep. She said, everything that happens to you is 260 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,040 Speaker 1: your fault and you deserve it. 261 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:22,760 Speaker 2: And that hurt. 262 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,520 Speaker 1: Because here's the one person that never judged me for 263 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,880 Speaker 1: being me and for my actions and for my behavior, 264 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,520 Speaker 1: telling me that I deserved what I got. 265 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:34,760 Speaker 2: She had had it. 266 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,120 Speaker 1: I don't think I realized how much I was relying 267 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:44,639 Speaker 1: on her to feel okay, this new feeling. When she 268 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:49,760 Speaker 1: said that it was really lonely, like once she lost 269 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:55,080 Speaker 1: hope in me. I lost it in myself when she 270 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 1: said that to me. There was a part of me 271 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,760 Speaker 1: that agreed with her, because I just saw how I 272 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,440 Speaker 1: kept running my life into the ground, putting myself into 273 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:11,600 Speaker 1: these weird situations. I was a common denominator. I decided 274 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:17,280 Speaker 1: that I wasn't worthy of anyone's friendship. So I was 275 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:21,439 Speaker 1: going to take myself out of the equation. And I 276 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:25,800 Speaker 1: went home and I grabbed a big bottle of Taileno, 277 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:34,120 Speaker 1: the Costco size, and I took every pill. The next 278 00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:39,600 Speaker 1: thing I remember is my sister's dragging me down the stairs. 279 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:41,840 Speaker 1: Then I hear machines. 280 00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:43,639 Speaker 2: I wake up. 281 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,359 Speaker 1: I'm in the emergency room of a hospital. I have 282 00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:51,359 Speaker 1: tubes that I'm hooked up to, and I hear the 283 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:55,560 Speaker 1: doctor's talking, and the doctor tells the nurse there's high 284 00:19:55,640 --> 00:20:03,520 Speaker 1: levels of cocaine, and I black out. I come too, 285 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,600 Speaker 1: and they tell me you're very lucky that you're not dead, 286 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:11,440 Speaker 1: because your liver was starting to shut down. And once 287 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,919 Speaker 1: I'm admitted to the hospital, people come and visit me. 288 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,720 Speaker 1: My mom showed up, my nana showed up, my sister 289 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:24,000 Speaker 1: showed up, and my sister says something that really sung, 290 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:29,120 Speaker 1: You're just like Mom, except We don't visit you in jails, 291 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:35,399 Speaker 1: we visit you in hospitals. And I realized that my 292 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:48,199 Speaker 1: sister was right. I was becoming my mom. When my 293 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:53,840 Speaker 1: mom came to visit me, she was genuinely worried, and 294 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,560 Speaker 1: she was really worried about me. I must have been 295 00:20:56,560 --> 00:21:00,640 Speaker 1: in a really bad situation. I had spent so much 296 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,119 Speaker 1: of my life trying to be so different than my mom. 297 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:09,240 Speaker 1: Yet here I was restrained to a bed because my 298 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,080 Speaker 1: life was so unmanageable, and I. 299 00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:17,320 Speaker 2: Had this embarrassment, this shame, this. 300 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:22,679 Speaker 1: Thought that I had proved everybody right, that I was 301 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:27,680 Speaker 1: doomed to be just like my parents. My mom never 302 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:31,280 Speaker 1: said anything judgmental to me while I was at the hospital. 303 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,800 Speaker 1: It just felt that way because I had spent my 304 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:46,080 Speaker 1: entire life judging her. I felt powerless over this destiny, hopeless. 305 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 1: On my last day at the hospital, the doctor comes 306 00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:01,240 Speaker 1: in and says, you're very lucky. I'm gonna go ahead 307 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,840 Speaker 1: and discharge you. Your liver is good. I was happy 308 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,800 Speaker 1: to go home. I didn't know what I was gonna do. 309 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: I get up, I start packing my belongings, and these 310 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,959 Speaker 1: two EMTs walk into my room. They said, we're here, 311 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,679 Speaker 1: to take you to the psych word. I didn't have 312 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:25,480 Speaker 1: a choice. I was being put on hold a fifty 313 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:32,240 Speaker 1: one fifty and my heart sank. Here I go back 314 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,199 Speaker 1: to the psych word for what must have been the 315 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:39,800 Speaker 1: eighth time they put me on the journey, and this 316 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:43,920 Speaker 1: EMT puts his hand on my hand and he says, 317 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:53,560 Speaker 1: don't worry, It's all going to be okay. I felt 318 00:22:54,400 --> 00:23:00,600 Speaker 1: compassion from this stranger, a genuine concern. He was trying 319 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:05,359 Speaker 1: to give me hope that everything was going to be okay, 320 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:11,320 Speaker 1: and that feeling I still feel that today, seventeen years later. 321 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:15,720 Speaker 1: So I get to the psych Word. I get called 322 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,919 Speaker 1: into the doctor's office and he has my chart in 323 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:18,439 Speaker 1: his hand. 324 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,080 Speaker 2: He's like, oh, welcome back. 325 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,200 Speaker 1: I see that you're a regular here, and he's already 326 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:29,280 Speaker 1: read my chart. He's familiar with my case and he 327 00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:32,520 Speaker 1: tells me, I really want you to look around the 328 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:37,359 Speaker 1: room here, and I could see other patients from the window. 329 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:44,199 Speaker 1: He said, the people that are here have severe mental problems. 330 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:48,919 Speaker 2: I don't think that's you. I feel like you might 331 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:53,399 Speaker 2: have a problem with alcohol. I'll make a deal with you. 332 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,520 Speaker 1: If I lift your fifty one fifty, will you go 333 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:06,119 Speaker 1: to a twelve step meeting. I had nothing to lose. 334 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:09,840 Speaker 1: I didn't really want to be at the sideboard, so 335 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:14,200 Speaker 1: I said yes. He wrote down a phone number, told 336 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,879 Speaker 1: me if I called, they would give me information, and 337 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:25,200 Speaker 1: he discharged me. When I left the hospital, I did 338 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,800 Speaker 1: not have a desire to drink or drug because I 339 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:34,280 Speaker 1: was scared. I don't know if I believed yet that 340 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:37,679 Speaker 1: I had a problem with alcohol and drugs. After he 341 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:42,959 Speaker 1: discharges me, no one's watching me, no one's holding me accountable. 342 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:46,760 Speaker 1: I don't really have to go to this meeting. I 343 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:51,200 Speaker 1: can just go home and resume my life. So that, 344 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,560 Speaker 1: I think is the addict in me talking saying you're 345 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:58,679 Speaker 1: too young to go to a twelve step meeting and 346 00:24:58,760 --> 00:24:59,399 Speaker 1: you don't have to. 347 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:01,959 Speaker 2: You can definitely get out of this. 348 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:07,639 Speaker 1: But something in me wanted to keep my side of 349 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:11,240 Speaker 1: the deal with a doctor. I called that number that 350 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:14,080 Speaker 1: he gave me, and they sent me to a twelve 351 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:20,840 Speaker 1: step meeting that was around the corner from where I lived. 352 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:25,879 Speaker 1: It was lunchtime, twelve pm meeting, and everybody who was 353 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:29,760 Speaker 1: there looked like they were one hundred years old, and 354 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:34,960 Speaker 1: I'm thinking, I'm in my early twenties. Why am I 355 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:40,280 Speaker 1: at this meeting with these old people. I don't remember 356 00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:43,760 Speaker 1: anything that was said at that meeting. It was gibberish. 357 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:44,040 Speaker 2: To me. 358 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,640 Speaker 1: I just started like wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah, 359 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:52,520 Speaker 1: like in Charlie Brown. And after the meeting, I was 360 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:57,439 Speaker 1: rushing towards the door when these women stopped me. They're like, 361 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:03,240 Speaker 1: are you new, welcome? What are you doing next? How 362 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:06,560 Speaker 1: many days have you been sober? And they invited me 363 00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:11,760 Speaker 1: to come have a bite with them. I don't know 364 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:14,720 Speaker 1: what possessed me to say yes. Maybe I didn't have 365 00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:18,760 Speaker 1: the boundaries the courage to say no, but I went. 366 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:23,080 Speaker 1: I got in this carful of strangers. They told me 367 00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:29,080 Speaker 1: their experience in this program. This woman had five years 368 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:34,400 Speaker 1: of sobriety, which to me seemed like eternity. This other 369 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:39,000 Speaker 1: woman had double digits. The addict in me wanted to 370 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,960 Speaker 1: hate them because I was so different than them. But 371 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:51,920 Speaker 1: as they kept talking, I noticed something else. I could 372 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,600 Speaker 1: see during this lunch that these women knew each other well, 373 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:59,760 Speaker 1: that they understood each other. They knew each other's stories, 374 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:03,800 Speaker 1: their struggles, and you can just feel that they supported 375 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:08,600 Speaker 1: one another. Remember, like I am in my twenties, I 376 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:15,240 Speaker 1: don't have really that experience with my family. These women 377 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:21,160 Speaker 1: seemed healthy, like they were at peace with themselves. Even 378 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,760 Speaker 1: though they spoke of their pain and their hardship, they 379 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:29,080 Speaker 1: seemed okay with it. They just seemed comfortable in their skin. 380 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,320 Speaker 1: And I guess, deep down inside there was a glimmer 381 00:27:33,359 --> 00:27:38,840 Speaker 1: of hope that maybe I could also be happy, but 382 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:43,560 Speaker 1: I could also laugh more and be at peace and 383 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:45,240 Speaker 1: be comfortable. 384 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:45,520 Speaker 2: In my own skin. 385 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:49,600 Speaker 1: So when they invited me to come back to the 386 00:27:49,680 --> 00:28:06,439 Speaker 1: next meeting the following day, I did. It's hard to 387 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:08,800 Speaker 1: know what hope even is when you're stuck in the 388 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:12,760 Speaker 1: cycle of addiction. To find hope for a life without addiction, 389 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:16,879 Speaker 1: they say you have to hit rock bottom. But on 390 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,000 Speaker 1: the journey to the bottom, I was still clinging to 391 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:24,360 Speaker 1: hope in different forms. Hope that I'd make it out 392 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:28,600 Speaker 1: of some nightmare situation alive. Hope that people would forget 393 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,840 Speaker 1: what I'd done to them, Hope that someone would take 394 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:35,040 Speaker 1: away my pain, or that at least I'd be able 395 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:39,840 Speaker 1: to keep numbing it. Hope that I was right, that 396 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:45,040 Speaker 1: I was fine. But I slowly lost that hope. I 397 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:51,360 Speaker 1: felt lonelier and lonelier, but at the bottom That's where 398 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:56,560 Speaker 1: a few people met me with kindness three times, with 399 00:28:56,680 --> 00:29:02,920 Speaker 1: the EMT, the doctor, the women at the meeting. They 400 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:06,200 Speaker 1: each told me in their own way that I would 401 00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 1: be okay, and I started just started to hope that 402 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:19,280 Speaker 1: they were right. Next time on Crumbs, I surrender, But 403 00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:32,320 Speaker 1: do I surrender to the program? Hey, listeners, There's a 404 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:34,640 Speaker 1: lot of difficult subjects that we cover in this show. 405 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:38,160 Speaker 1: If you are someone you know needs help, you can 406 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:41,840 Speaker 1: reach the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Hotline at 407 00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:46,200 Speaker 1: one eight hundred sixty six y two four three five seven. 408 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:47,760 Speaker 2: They'll connect you. 409 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:51,680 Speaker 1: With information and resources on treatment. There's also the National 410 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:57,960 Speaker 1: Suicide Prevention Lifeline at twenty hundred two seven three tal K. 411 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:02,200 Speaker 1: Both are available twenty four to seven. You don't have 412 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:05,000 Speaker 1: to be in crisis to reach out either. They're available 413 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,200 Speaker 1: to anyone who needs help. You can also reach the 414 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:11,360 Speaker 1: National Sexual Assault Hotline twenty four to seven at one 415 00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:19,600 Speaker 1: eight hundred six five six four six seven three. Crumbs 416 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:23,520 Speaker 1: is a Sonoro production in partnership with Iheart'smikultura Network and 417 00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:28,200 Speaker 1: Trojan Horse Media. It's produced by Margaret Catcher and Padimei 418 00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:30,760 Speaker 1: Raguna and edited by Rodrigo Crespo. 419 00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:32,760 Speaker 2: Original music by D. 420 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:37,440 Speaker 1: Peter Schmidt and engineering by Manuel Barra Studio, Recording by 421 00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:42,400 Speaker 1: JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio. Executive produced by Conor Burne 422 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:46,680 Speaker 1: and jessav And Says for iHeart, Alex Filmeto, Elizabeth Schuzzo 423 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:52,120 Speaker 1: and Margaret Catcher for Trojan Horse, Camille Vittriano, Joshuo Weinstein 424 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:57,160 Speaker 1: for Sonoro, and me Emmio lea Special things to Mariana 425 00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:03,360 Speaker 1: Cornella Ire. Listen to Crime on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 426 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:04,840 Speaker 1: or wherever you get your podcasts