WEBVTT - Minisode: The Wedding’s Off with Chelsea + Catherine

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Couples Counseling with Chelsea hand Job, where we

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<v Speaker 1>do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families.

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<v Speaker 2>Welcome to my office.

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<v Speaker 3>Hello, Hello, Hi Chelsea. I've got an update from one

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<v Speaker 3>of our callers.

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<v Speaker 2>Let's hear it all.

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<v Speaker 3>Right, Well, this is from Libby. She had written in

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<v Speaker 3>a couple of months ago. It was actually from our

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<v Speaker 3>Hannah Einbidender episode and she was in a threttle and

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<v Speaker 3>the guy had been in the bathroom. No, no, that

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<v Speaker 3>I would love to hear an update from her. We

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<v Speaker 3>will get an update from her soon. But this gal

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<v Speaker 3>was in a throat ble and it was like a

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<v Speaker 3>husband and wife that she had come into their relationship.

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<v Speaker 3>They had some kids, they all lived together, and the

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<v Speaker 3>husband was acting like really sketchy and like crabby and

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<v Speaker 3>like didn't want to have sex anymore with either of them.

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<v Speaker 2>So Libby says, wait, wait, wait wait. They were in

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<v Speaker 2>a threuttle. Yes, and Libby was like, the what do

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<v Speaker 2>they call it?

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<v Speaker 3>The unicorn? Yeah, okay, coming into the relationship. Yeah, and

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<v Speaker 3>he had basically said, why don't have sex with you

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<v Speaker 3>or anybody else?

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<v Speaker 2>So yeah, even his wife, even his wife.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, Hi Catherine. After our last conversation, I took Chelsea's

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<v Speaker 3>advice and tried to be a voice of reason between

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<v Speaker 3>my two partners, my girlfriend and our roommate of a boyfriend,

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<v Speaker 3>and tried to discuss how we could move forward as

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<v Speaker 3>a threatle Per usual, he did not have anything to say.

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<v Speaker 3>He was content with living the way things were, and

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<v Speaker 3>that seemed to be about it. Between Chelsea's advice and

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<v Speaker 3>my intuition, I knew there was more. I spent a

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<v Speaker 3>few days being observant. In my initial email, I had

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<v Speaker 3>mentioned that he'd been sleeping on the couch and had

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<v Speaker 3>begun sleeping with his phone underneath his pillow one night,

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<v Speaker 3>after admittedly drinking a bit the liquid courage ended up

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<v Speaker 3>being much needed lol. I saw that he quote forgot

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<v Speaker 3>to hide his phone. I normally don't condone going through

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<v Speaker 3>your partner's phone, but given the situation, I felt as

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<v Speaker 3>though I should hurt my own feelings and see what

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<v Speaker 3>he's been up to. Turns out he had spent the

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<v Speaker 3>last two months cheating on the two of us with

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<v Speaker 3>a freshly nineteen year old server who worked at the

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<v Speaker 3>restaurant he was managing.

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<v Speaker 2>At the time.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, the arguments he created in order to take off

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<v Speaker 3>and leave the late nights when he was caught up

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<v Speaker 3>at work quote unquote were really just excuses to meet

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<v Speaker 3>up and spend time with his work girlfriend. I called

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<v Speaker 3>my girlfriend, who was at work at the time, and

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<v Speaker 3>showed her the things I had discovered. She sped home immediately,

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<v Speaker 3>and we threw his stuff into his car and kicked

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<v Speaker 3>him out right there in the middle of the night.

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<v Speaker 3>Looking back on things, all the signs and red flags

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<v Speaker 3>were extremely obvious, and I hate that we spent so

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<v Speaker 3>much time begging an unworthy person to stay with us.

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<v Speaker 3>For my girlfriend, it was hard to say goodbye to

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<v Speaker 3>a ten year relationship, and that loss is still being mourned.

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<v Speaker 3>But our life has gotten a million times better. The

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<v Speaker 3>energy in our household has shifted, and things all feel

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<v Speaker 3>lighter and happier. As for him, he's continued a downward spiral.

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<v Speaker 3>He was demoted from his salary management position for making

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<v Speaker 3>inappropriate remarks toward a sixteen year old girl who worked

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<v Speaker 3>at his job and is back to being a line cook.

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<v Speaker 3>I love that he wasn't fired, he was just demoted.

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<v Speaker 2>Like great job.

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<v Speaker 3>He lives with his brother and generally has a miserable life.

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<v Speaker 3>Karma really did her thing. Thank you for taking the

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<v Speaker 3>time to listen to my situation and for the much

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<v Speaker 3>needed advice. I feel as though that was the last

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<v Speaker 3>bit of validation slash confirmation I needed to face the

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<v Speaker 3>facts and work toward a final solution, which I guess

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<v Speaker 3>was as simple as looking through his phone. As her

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<v Speaker 3>full as it was, it made my girlfriend a nice

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<v Speaker 3>stronger as individuals and as a couple, and it also

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<v Speaker 3>opened the door for some pretty great hookups every once

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<v Speaker 3>in a while with men who actually appreciate our presence.

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<v Speaker 3>Much love, Libby, But.

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<v Speaker 2>I thought she said she got rid of the girlfriend too.

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<v Speaker 3>No, no, no, so she and the girlfriend stayed together, good.

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<v Speaker 1>Great, perfect, and got rid of the guy and he's

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<v Speaker 1>the father of her children.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeahy uh huh, Well that's too bad. But yeah, oh awesome,

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<v Speaker 2>awesome if I.

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<v Speaker 3>Remember quickly not married, so like easy piece of taut

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<v Speaker 3>exactly it.

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<v Speaker 2>Thrupple up, have a great time. Yeah, all these other

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<v Speaker 2>men that are going to be much more worthwhile.

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<v Speaker 3>All right, So Chrissy is calling in and she had

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<v Speaker 3>called in with her best friend name on an episode

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<v Speaker 3>from August of last year called we might all be

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<v Speaker 3>dead by then if anyone wants to check it out,

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<v Speaker 3>She says, we spoke with you and Chelsea a few

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<v Speaker 3>months ago regarding my best friend's horrible boyfriend, and there

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<v Speaker 3>has been a development since then. He is now her

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<v Speaker 3>horrible fiance. This news was delivered to me by means

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<v Speaker 3>of a text saying, I hope you're on board for

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<v Speaker 3>a destination wedding. Normally I would be on board for

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<v Speaker 3>a destination anything, but what do I do here. I've

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<v Speaker 3>made it very clear that I don't think the boyfriend

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<v Speaker 3>fiance is a good person. I hate my friend's willingness

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<v Speaker 3>to take him back after he continues to disrespect her.

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<v Speaker 3>It's honestly been a little while since we spoke. In

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<v Speaker 3>addition to picking horrible men to Mary, she also voted

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<v Speaker 3>for the horrible man in the White House. As each

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<v Speaker 3>new policy is unveiled, I feel like she personally pushed

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<v Speaker 3>the button to initiate these changes. I just don't know

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<v Speaker 3>how I could attend her wedding and pretend it's a

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<v Speaker 3>joyous event, knowing their history, being surrounded by her Trump

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<v Speaker 3>loving friends. I hate to throw away our friendship, but

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<v Speaker 3>I'm not sure I can look past these decisions, or

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<v Speaker 3>if I even should. I know I'm far from the

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<v Speaker 3>only one with a relationship affected by politics, but I

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<v Speaker 3>guess I'm wondering if I'll regret letting a decade of

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<v Speaker 3>friendship go because of my friend's horrible taste in men. Hi, Chrissy, Hi,

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<v Speaker 3>how are you? Hi?

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<v Speaker 2>Chray Nice to see you again.

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<v Speaker 1>You too.

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<v Speaker 3>We just got caught up on what's going on with

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<v Speaker 3>your friend.

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<v Speaker 1>Now.

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<v Speaker 3>Have they set a date yet?

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<v Speaker 4>As far as I know, they have not. We have

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<v Speaker 4>been a little more distant lately and we haven't talked

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<v Speaker 4>too too often, but I don't think that there is

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<v Speaker 4>a set date currently.

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<v Speaker 2>How did she tell you they got married or they

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<v Speaker 2>got engaged?

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<v Speaker 4>She well, he had a ring for years that he

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<v Speaker 4>was holding over her head and not giving to her. Yes,

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<v Speaker 4>I recall, and when he gave her the ring, she

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<v Speaker 4>was very excited to show it to me. She acted

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<v Speaker 4>like it was the dream proposal, and it was just

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<v Speaker 4>kind of everything else was pushed under the rug, everything

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<v Speaker 4>leading up to that point.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, the good news is there most likely won't be

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<v Speaker 1>a wedding anyway, since you know his pattern of events

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<v Speaker 1>is like he's I'd be one of the chances that

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<v Speaker 1>he's been lording this over her head, lording it over

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<v Speaker 1>and then he's going to go through with a wedding

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<v Speaker 1>and they don't have a date. So yeah, but the

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<v Speaker 1>bigger question is okay, So there's that issue, and then

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<v Speaker 1>there's all the political stuff. I'm not opposed to if

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<v Speaker 1>you are up for it, to releasing this friendship, Like,

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<v Speaker 1>it's very hard to see somebody.

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<v Speaker 2>Go down that road with a partner.

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<v Speaker 1>Additionally, the political aspect of things is like a double whammy.

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<v Speaker 1>And you know, like, what are the foundations of your friendship,

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<v Speaker 1>what are the things that hold you guys together?

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<v Speaker 2>Are those still active? Is that the past?

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<v Speaker 1>Like sometimes we hold on too friendships because of the

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<v Speaker 1>history of the friendship, but it's not really serving you anymore,

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<v Speaker 1>and in fact, it's kind of disservicing you.

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<v Speaker 4>Right, Yeah, I can definitely see that. I think because

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<v Speaker 4>we have such a long history where we were both

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<v Speaker 4>single moms, we kind of played a role in helping

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<v Speaker 4>to raise each other's children. I think it was harder

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<v Speaker 4>to let it go because she almost felt like family

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<v Speaker 4>to me. But I also know that there are times

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<v Speaker 4>that you have to let family go.

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<v Speaker 1>Too, Yeah, yeah, And like, do you feel that you

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<v Speaker 1>get anything out of this relationship in its current status?

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<v Speaker 4>So do I miss having that friend that I shared

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<v Speaker 4>everything with? She was my person that you know, we

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<v Speaker 4>there were no boundaries, We talked about everything, and I

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<v Speaker 4>don't have that person in my life currently. So I

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<v Speaker 4>think I miss having a best friend more than I

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<v Speaker 4>miss her specifically, right.

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<v Speaker 2>I think that's your answer, you know what I mean.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think you should make room for a new

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<v Speaker 1>best friend because I think it's nice to have those memories,

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<v Speaker 1>and she served her purpose for a period of time

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<v Speaker 1>in your life, and now through everything that you've seen,

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<v Speaker 1>it's like it's not adding to your life. I would

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<v Speaker 1>argue that it's taking from you because of both subject matters,

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<v Speaker 1>and it doesn't have to be confrontational. It could just

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<v Speaker 1>be like, listen, I think we've really grown a part.

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<v Speaker 1>It's really hard for me to watch you go and

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<v Speaker 1>marry this man. I understand that you're going to. I

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<v Speaker 1>understand you love him, and I want to respect that.

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<v Speaker 1>And the best way for me to respect that is to.

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<v Speaker 2>Not be there. I don't want to be there.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't you know, like if you feel compelled, like

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<v Speaker 1>does it require a conversation or can you just fade away?

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<v Speaker 4>I had sort of tried to fade away, and then

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<v Speaker 4>I felt like she kind of kept putting the effort

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<v Speaker 4>out there, sending a text, calling, and then I finally

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<v Speaker 4>kind of had the conversation with her, saying, I'm sorry

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<v Speaker 4>that I have been distant lately, but with the way

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<v Speaker 4>that everything in the country is going, I didn't know

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<v Speaker 4>that I could have a civil conversation with you without

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<v Speaker 4>us And we tried. We tried to, you know, kind

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<v Speaker 4>of text through that, and she kind of tried to

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<v Speaker 4>make some of her points, and I just got enraged.

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<v Speaker 2>A little bit.

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<v Speaker 4>And I think we are just in such different places

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<v Speaker 4>that we're not gonna see eyed eye on a lot

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<v Speaker 4>of things right now.

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<v Speaker 1>Right I think it would probably be helpful for you

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<v Speaker 1>to just take a long break from the relationship, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>and circle back around if and when that time feels right, Like,

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<v Speaker 1>you don't have any obligation to continue a friendship where

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<v Speaker 1>you're so at odds with each other on multiple fronts,

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<v Speaker 1>like it's not just one thing, it's multiple things.

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<v Speaker 3>Now, And I also think you're right, like you also

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<v Speaker 3>aren't obligated to like put a period on the end

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<v Speaker 3>of the sentence, so to speak, like it is okay,

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<v Speaker 3>things do fizzle, and like maybe there's some time in

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<v Speaker 3>the future that she comes back into your life, but

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<v Speaker 3>like I think it's okay to just let it lie.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, let it lie, And if she needs to reason

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<v Speaker 1>explain it, you can always be honest with her and

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<v Speaker 1>just say I'm sorry, Like I want you to do

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<v Speaker 1>whatever you want to do, but that I just it's

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<v Speaker 1>painful for me to watch this, Like it's painful for

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<v Speaker 1>me to see this. It's painful for me to accept

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<v Speaker 1>your political views.

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<v Speaker 2>I accept them, I believe them.

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<v Speaker 1>But what I need to do is kind of remove

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<v Speaker 1>myself from this situation right now because things are too ugly.

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<v Speaker 2>And too scary.

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<v Speaker 1>And also, why would you want to go to a

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<v Speaker 1>wedding with a person when she's getting married to with

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<v Speaker 1>a person like that, and I guarantee you this wedding

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<v Speaker 1>will not happen.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, yeah, you're probably right.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah. I actually keep having dreams that the wedding is

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<v Speaker 4>like the next day and I'm like just finding out

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<v Speaker 4>about it, and I'm really struggling with myself for not

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<v Speaker 4>having been there for her and not having helped her

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<v Speaker 4>get ready, and I think that kind of made me question.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, but listen, you know, friendships are there sometimes for

0:10:39.320 --> 0:10:41.840
<v Speaker 1>like five years. Sometimes they're there for a year, Sometimes

0:10:41.880 --> 0:10:45.600
<v Speaker 1>they're there for twenty years, and sometimes like sometimes somebody

0:10:45.640 --> 0:10:47.600
<v Speaker 1>is in your life for a period of time for

0:10:47.640 --> 0:10:51.280
<v Speaker 1>a reason. And then sometimes it's actually it's a reflection

0:10:51.400 --> 0:10:54.920
<v Speaker 1>of like your own belief system, Like when someone shows you, Okay,

0:10:54.920 --> 0:10:57.200
<v Speaker 1>this is who I am now, like you have a choice,

0:10:57.200 --> 0:10:59.520
<v Speaker 1>You have no obligation to continue this friendship.

0:11:00.000 --> 0:11:01.600
<v Speaker 2>Both raised each other's children together.

0:11:01.640 --> 0:11:05.400
<v Speaker 1>That was beautiful, Like that's the best memory you're gonna have, probably,

0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:07.839
<v Speaker 1>so hold on to that, and you know, and the

0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:09.920
<v Speaker 1>make room for some other people to come into your

0:11:09.960 --> 0:11:12.600
<v Speaker 1>life that you are like minded with, that you whose

0:11:12.640 --> 0:11:16.640
<v Speaker 1>partners you do respect, whose relationships you admire, Like surround

0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:20.080
<v Speaker 1>yourself with the people that you that you admire, you know,

0:11:20.200 --> 0:11:23.000
<v Speaker 1>that relationships you would want to mirror for your own

0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:25.400
<v Speaker 1>personal life and relation and people that you can relate to.

0:11:25.720 --> 0:11:27.120
<v Speaker 2>There's nothing wrong with that.

0:11:27.240 --> 0:11:30.480
<v Speaker 1>So do not wrap yourself up at guilt, wrap yourself

0:11:30.559 --> 0:11:34.040
<v Speaker 1>up in like standards. This is beneath the standard that

0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:36.640
<v Speaker 1>I would accept for myself. Therefore, it's beneath the standard

0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:39.520
<v Speaker 1>that I would accept for you, and I'm just gonna

0:11:39.559 --> 0:11:42.160
<v Speaker 1>have to bow out for a while out of love

0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:43.440
<v Speaker 1>and respect for myself.

0:11:44.600 --> 0:11:47.080
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, oh that's great advice, thank you.

0:11:47.679 --> 0:11:50.480
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And you know, you can grieve that relationship or

0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:52.840
<v Speaker 1>you can, but don't beat yourself up.

0:11:53.040 --> 0:11:54.439
<v Speaker 2>You've been an.

0:11:54.400 --> 0:11:58.320
<v Speaker 1>Incredible friend and there's no reason that you now have

0:11:58.400 --> 0:12:01.200
<v Speaker 1>to be like held hostage to this friendship that you're

0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:04.840
<v Speaker 1>no longer like, you know, aligned with just her marrying

0:12:04.840 --> 0:12:07.400
<v Speaker 1>this guy or accepting his you know, she was just

0:12:07.440 --> 0:12:10.080
<v Speaker 1>not paying attention to anything, even strangers who have no

0:12:10.160 --> 0:12:11.640
<v Speaker 1>investment in her relationship at.

0:12:11.600 --> 0:12:13.920
<v Speaker 2>All either telling her that it's bullshit.

0:12:14.040 --> 0:12:16.959
<v Speaker 1>She's not seeing that, So you know, if she doesn't

0:12:17.000 --> 0:12:20.719
<v Speaker 1>hear or see that, then there's nothing you're going to

0:12:20.760 --> 0:12:22.440
<v Speaker 1>be able to do to point that out to her.

0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:25.920
<v Speaker 3>Right, Chrissy, will you follow up with us in a

0:12:25.960 --> 0:12:28.440
<v Speaker 3>few months and let us know if anything moved forward

0:12:28.440 --> 0:12:30.800
<v Speaker 3>with the wedding or But I think, yeah, you can

0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:33.440
<v Speaker 3>let yourself off the hook, like hopefully that'll stop you

0:12:33.480 --> 0:12:35.839
<v Speaker 3>from having these panic dreams of like you know now

0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:38.640
<v Speaker 3>what you're gonna do when and if that happens, which

0:12:38.679 --> 0:12:40.920
<v Speaker 3>is you know, politely decline.

0:12:40.920 --> 0:12:43.400
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, no, I will definitely follow up.

0:12:44.000 --> 0:12:46.560
<v Speaker 1>Okay, okay, awesome, Thanks for calling, Brassie.

0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:48.800
<v Speaker 4>Thank you. Have a good day, guys.

0:12:49.200 --> 0:12:50.200
<v Speaker 2>Bye bye.

0:12:51.480 --> 0:12:55.640
<v Speaker 1>Do do do do do do drum roll Catherine, please,

0:12:56.760 --> 0:13:02.040
<v Speaker 1>Chelsea Handler abroad. Abroad is my European So I'm coming

0:13:02.040 --> 0:13:06.520
<v Speaker 1>to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get

0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:09.680
<v Speaker 1>the health out of this fucking country. And it's not

0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:12.880
<v Speaker 1>as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvic.

0:13:12.960 --> 0:13:16.880
<v Speaker 1>I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm

0:13:16.880 --> 0:13:21.360
<v Speaker 1>coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June. I'm

0:13:21.360 --> 0:13:28.880
<v Speaker 1>coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna.

0:13:29.080 --> 0:13:33.440
<v Speaker 1>I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona, and Lisbon.

0:13:34.360 --> 0:13:38.240
<v Speaker 2>I'm coming abroad is abroad that sounds like fun. I'm

0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:39.199
<v Speaker 2>going to go see you abroad.

0:13:39.600 --> 0:13:41.720
<v Speaker 1>I know I want to go see me abroad and

0:13:41.920 --> 0:13:46.920
<v Speaker 1>there all be, there all be upcoming Vegas States, April eighteenth,

0:13:47.000 --> 0:13:51.160
<v Speaker 1>July fifth, August thirtieth, November one and twenty ninth at

0:13:51.160 --> 0:13:53.120
<v Speaker 1>the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas.

0:13:53.559 --> 0:13:55.920
<v Speaker 3>If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

0:13:55.960 --> 0:13:58.840
<v Speaker 3>at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

0:13:58.840 --> 0:14:01.880
<v Speaker 3>sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

0:14:01.920 --> 0:14:05.560
<v Speaker 3>and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and

0:14:05.640 --> 0:14:08.040
<v Speaker 3>be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot

0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:13.000
<v Speaker 3>com