Speaker 1: Welcome to Couples Counseling with Chelsea hand Job, where we
Speaker 1: do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families.
Speaker 2: Welcome to my office.
Speaker 3: Hello, Hello, Hi Chelsea. I've got an update from one
Speaker 3: of our callers.
Speaker 2: Let's hear it all.
Speaker 3: Right, Well, this is from Libby. She had written in
Speaker 3: a couple of months ago. It was actually from our
Speaker 3: Hannah Einbidender episode and she was in a threttle and
Speaker 3: the guy had been in the bathroom. No, no, that
Speaker 3: I would love to hear an update from her. We
Speaker 3: will get an update from her soon. But this gal
Speaker 3: was in a throat ble and it was like a
Speaker 3: husband and wife that she had come into their relationship.
Speaker 3: They had some kids, they all lived together, and the
Speaker 3: husband was acting like really sketchy and like crabby and
Speaker 3: like didn't want to have sex anymore with either of them.
Speaker 2: So Libby says, wait, wait, wait wait. They were in
Speaker 2: a threuttle. Yes, and Libby was like, the what do
Speaker 2: they call it?
Speaker 3: The unicorn? Yeah, okay, coming into the relationship. Yeah, and
Speaker 3: he had basically said, why don't have sex with you
Speaker 3: or anybody else?
Speaker 2: So yeah, even his wife, even his wife.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Hi Catherine. After our last conversation, I took Chelsea's
Speaker 3: advice and tried to be a voice of reason between
Speaker 3: my two partners, my girlfriend and our roommate of a boyfriend,
Speaker 3: and tried to discuss how we could move forward as
Speaker 3: a threatle Per usual, he did not have anything to say.
Speaker 3: He was content with living the way things were, and
Speaker 3: that seemed to be about it. Between Chelsea's advice and
Speaker 3: my intuition, I knew there was more. I spent a
Speaker 3: few days being observant. In my initial email, I had
Speaker 3: mentioned that he'd been sleeping on the couch and had
Speaker 3: begun sleeping with his phone underneath his pillow one night,
Speaker 3: after admittedly drinking a bit the liquid courage ended up
Speaker 3: being much needed lol. I saw that he quote forgot
Speaker 3: to hide his phone. I normally don't condone going through
Speaker 3: your partner's phone, but given the situation, I felt as
Speaker 3: though I should hurt my own feelings and see what
Speaker 3: he's been up to. Turns out he had spent the
Speaker 3: last two months cheating on the two of us with
Speaker 3: a freshly nineteen year old server who worked at the
Speaker 3: restaurant he was managing.
Speaker 2: At the time.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the arguments he created in order to take off
Speaker 3: and leave the late nights when he was caught up
Speaker 3: at work quote unquote were really just excuses to meet
Speaker 3: up and spend time with his work girlfriend. I called
Speaker 3: my girlfriend, who was at work at the time, and
Speaker 3: showed her the things I had discovered. She sped home immediately,
Speaker 3: and we threw his stuff into his car and kicked
Speaker 3: him out right there in the middle of the night.
Speaker 3: Looking back on things, all the signs and red flags
Speaker 3: were extremely obvious, and I hate that we spent so
Speaker 3: much time begging an unworthy person to stay with us.
Speaker 3: For my girlfriend, it was hard to say goodbye to
Speaker 3: a ten year relationship, and that loss is still being mourned.
Speaker 3: But our life has gotten a million times better. The
Speaker 3: energy in our household has shifted, and things all feel
Speaker 3: lighter and happier. As for him, he's continued a downward spiral.
Speaker 3: He was demoted from his salary management position for making
Speaker 3: inappropriate remarks toward a sixteen year old girl who worked
Speaker 3: at his job and is back to being a line cook.
Speaker 3: I love that he wasn't fired, he was just demoted.
Speaker 2: Like great job.
Speaker 3: He lives with his brother and generally has a miserable life.
Speaker 3: Karma really did her thing. Thank you for taking the
Speaker 3: time to listen to my situation and for the much
Speaker 3: needed advice. I feel as though that was the last
Speaker 3: bit of validation slash confirmation I needed to face the
Speaker 3: facts and work toward a final solution, which I guess
Speaker 3: was as simple as looking through his phone. As her
Speaker 3: full as it was, it made my girlfriend a nice
Speaker 3: stronger as individuals and as a couple, and it also
Speaker 3: opened the door for some pretty great hookups every once
Speaker 3: in a while with men who actually appreciate our presence.
Speaker 3: Much love, Libby, But.
Speaker 2: I thought she said she got rid of the girlfriend too.
Speaker 3: No, no, no, so she and the girlfriend stayed together, good.
Speaker 1: Great, perfect, and got rid of the guy and he's
Speaker 1: the father of her children.
Speaker 2: Yeahy uh huh, Well that's too bad. But yeah, oh awesome,
Speaker 2: awesome if I.
Speaker 3: Remember quickly not married, so like easy piece of taut
Speaker 3: exactly it.
Speaker 2: Thrupple up, have a great time. Yeah, all these other
Speaker 2: men that are going to be much more worthwhile.
Speaker 3: All right, So Chrissy is calling in and she had
Speaker 3: called in with her best friend name on an episode
Speaker 3: from August of last year called we might all be
Speaker 3: dead by then if anyone wants to check it out,
Speaker 3: She says, we spoke with you and Chelsea a few
Speaker 3: months ago regarding my best friend's horrible boyfriend, and there
Speaker 3: has been a development since then. He is now her
Speaker 3: horrible fiance. This news was delivered to me by means
Speaker 3: of a text saying, I hope you're on board for
Speaker 3: a destination wedding. Normally I would be on board for
Speaker 3: a destination anything, but what do I do here. I've
Speaker 3: made it very clear that I don't think the boyfriend
Speaker 3: fiance is a good person. I hate my friend's willingness
Speaker 3: to take him back after he continues to disrespect her.
Speaker 3: It's honestly been a little while since we spoke. In
Speaker 3: addition to picking horrible men to Mary, she also voted
Speaker 3: for the horrible man in the White House. As each
Speaker 3: new policy is unveiled, I feel like she personally pushed
Speaker 3: the button to initiate these changes. I just don't know
Speaker 3: how I could attend her wedding and pretend it's a
Speaker 3: joyous event, knowing their history, being surrounded by her Trump
Speaker 3: loving friends. I hate to throw away our friendship, but
Speaker 3: I'm not sure I can look past these decisions, or
Speaker 3: if I even should. I know I'm far from the
Speaker 3: only one with a relationship affected by politics, but I
Speaker 3: guess I'm wondering if I'll regret letting a decade of
Speaker 3: friendship go because of my friend's horrible taste in men. Hi, Chrissy, Hi,
Speaker 3: how are you? Hi?
Speaker 2: Chray Nice to see you again.
Speaker 1: You too.
Speaker 3: We just got caught up on what's going on with
Speaker 3: your friend.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 3: Have they set a date yet?
Speaker 4: As far as I know, they have not. We have
Speaker 4: been a little more distant lately and we haven't talked
Speaker 4: too too often, but I don't think that there is
Speaker 4: a set date currently.
Speaker 2: How did she tell you they got married or they
Speaker 2: got engaged?
Speaker 4: She well, he had a ring for years that he
Speaker 4: was holding over her head and not giving to her. Yes,
Speaker 4: I recall, and when he gave her the ring, she
Speaker 4: was very excited to show it to me. She acted
Speaker 4: like it was the dream proposal, and it was just
Speaker 4: kind of everything else was pushed under the rug, everything
Speaker 4: leading up to that point.
Speaker 1: Well, the good news is there most likely won't be
Speaker 1: a wedding anyway, since you know his pattern of events
Speaker 1: is like he's I'd be one of the chances that
Speaker 1: he's been lording this over her head, lording it over
Speaker 1: and then he's going to go through with a wedding
Speaker 1: and they don't have a date. So yeah, but the
Speaker 1: bigger question is okay, So there's that issue, and then
Speaker 1: there's all the political stuff. I'm not opposed to if
Speaker 1: you are up for it, to releasing this friendship, Like,
Speaker 1: it's very hard to see somebody.
Speaker 2: Go down that road with a partner.
Speaker 1: Additionally, the political aspect of things is like a double whammy.
Speaker 1: And you know, like, what are the foundations of your friendship,
Speaker 1: what are the things that hold you guys together?
Speaker 2: Are those still active? Is that the past?
Speaker 1: Like sometimes we hold on too friendships because of the
Speaker 1: history of the friendship, but it's not really serving you anymore,
Speaker 1: and in fact, it's kind of disservicing you.
Speaker 4: Right, Yeah, I can definitely see that. I think because
Speaker 4: we have such a long history where we were both
Speaker 4: single moms, we kind of played a role in helping
Speaker 4: to raise each other's children. I think it was harder
Speaker 4: to let it go because she almost felt like family
Speaker 4: to me. But I also know that there are times
Speaker 4: that you have to let family go.
Speaker 1: Too, Yeah, yeah, And like, do you feel that you
Speaker 1: get anything out of this relationship in its current status?
Speaker 4: So do I miss having that friend that I shared
Speaker 4: everything with? She was my person that you know, we
Speaker 4: there were no boundaries, We talked about everything, and I
Speaker 4: don't have that person in my life currently. So I
Speaker 4: think I miss having a best friend more than I
Speaker 4: miss her specifically, right.
Speaker 2: I think that's your answer, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And I think you should make room for a new
Speaker 1: best friend because I think it's nice to have those memories,
Speaker 1: and she served her purpose for a period of time
Speaker 1: in your life, and now through everything that you've seen,
Speaker 1: it's like it's not adding to your life. I would
Speaker 1: argue that it's taking from you because of both subject matters,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't have to be confrontational. It could just
Speaker 1: be like, listen, I think we've really grown a part.
Speaker 1: It's really hard for me to watch you go and
Speaker 1: marry this man. I understand that you're going to. I
Speaker 1: understand you love him, and I want to respect that.
Speaker 1: And the best way for me to respect that is to.
Speaker 2: Not be there. I don't want to be there.
Speaker 1: I don't you know, like if you feel compelled, like
Speaker 1: does it require a conversation or can you just fade away?
Speaker 4: I had sort of tried to fade away, and then
Speaker 4: I felt like she kind of kept putting the effort
Speaker 4: out there, sending a text, calling, and then I finally
Speaker 4: kind of had the conversation with her, saying, I'm sorry
Speaker 4: that I have been distant lately, but with the way
Speaker 4: that everything in the country is going, I didn't know
Speaker 4: that I could have a civil conversation with you without
Speaker 4: us And we tried. We tried to, you know, kind
Speaker 4: of text through that, and she kind of tried to
Speaker 4: make some of her points, and I just got enraged.
Speaker 2: A little bit.
Speaker 4: And I think we are just in such different places
Speaker 4: that we're not gonna see eyed eye on a lot
Speaker 4: of things right now.
Speaker 1: Right I think it would probably be helpful for you
Speaker 1: to just take a long break from the relationship, you know,
Speaker 1: and circle back around if and when that time feels right, Like,
Speaker 1: you don't have any obligation to continue a friendship where
Speaker 1: you're so at odds with each other on multiple fronts,
Speaker 1: like it's not just one thing, it's multiple things.
Speaker 3: Now, And I also think you're right, like you also
Speaker 3: aren't obligated to like put a period on the end
Speaker 3: of the sentence, so to speak, like it is okay,
Speaker 3: things do fizzle, and like maybe there's some time in
Speaker 3: the future that she comes back into your life, but
Speaker 3: like I think it's okay to just let it lie.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let it lie, And if she needs to reason
Speaker 1: explain it, you can always be honest with her and
Speaker 1: just say I'm sorry, Like I want you to do
Speaker 1: whatever you want to do, but that I just it's
Speaker 1: painful for me to watch this, Like it's painful for
Speaker 1: me to see this. It's painful for me to accept
Speaker 1: your political views.
Speaker 2: I accept them, I believe them.
Speaker 1: But what I need to do is kind of remove
Speaker 1: myself from this situation right now because things are too ugly.
Speaker 2: And too scary.
Speaker 1: And also, why would you want to go to a
Speaker 1: wedding with a person when she's getting married to with
Speaker 1: a person like that, and I guarantee you this wedding
Speaker 1: will not happen.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you're probably right.
Speaker 4: Yeah. I actually keep having dreams that the wedding is
Speaker 4: like the next day and I'm like just finding out
Speaker 4: about it, and I'm really struggling with myself for not
Speaker 4: having been there for her and not having helped her
Speaker 4: get ready, and I think that kind of made me question.
Speaker 1: Yes, but listen, you know, friendships are there sometimes for
Speaker 1: like five years. Sometimes they're there for a year, Sometimes
Speaker 1: they're there for twenty years, and sometimes like sometimes somebody
Speaker 1: is in your life for a period of time for
Speaker 1: a reason. And then sometimes it's actually it's a reflection
Speaker 1: of like your own belief system, Like when someone shows you, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is who I am now, like you have a choice,
Speaker 1: You have no obligation to continue this friendship.
Speaker 2: Both raised each other's children together.
Speaker 1: That was beautiful, Like that's the best memory you're gonna have, probably,
Speaker 1: so hold on to that, and you know, and the
Speaker 1: make room for some other people to come into your
Speaker 1: life that you are like minded with, that you whose
Speaker 1: partners you do respect, whose relationships you admire, Like surround
Speaker 1: yourself with the people that you that you admire, you know,
Speaker 1: that relationships you would want to mirror for your own
Speaker 1: personal life and relation and people that you can relate to.
Speaker 2: There's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 1: So do not wrap yourself up at guilt, wrap yourself
Speaker 1: up in like standards. This is beneath the standard that
Speaker 1: I would accept for myself. Therefore, it's beneath the standard
Speaker 1: that I would accept for you, and I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: have to bow out for a while out of love
Speaker 1: and respect for myself.
Speaker 4: Yeah, oh that's great advice, thank you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And you know, you can grieve that relationship or
Speaker 1: you can, but don't beat yourself up.
Speaker 2: You've been an.
Speaker 1: Incredible friend and there's no reason that you now have
Speaker 1: to be like held hostage to this friendship that you're
Speaker 1: no longer like, you know, aligned with just her marrying
Speaker 1: this guy or accepting his you know, she was just
Speaker 1: not paying attention to anything, even strangers who have no
Speaker 1: investment in her relationship at.
Speaker 2: All either telling her that it's bullshit.
Speaker 1: She's not seeing that, So you know, if she doesn't
Speaker 1: hear or see that, then there's nothing you're going to
Speaker 1: be able to do to point that out to her.
Speaker 3: Right, Chrissy, will you follow up with us in a
Speaker 3: few months and let us know if anything moved forward
Speaker 3: with the wedding or But I think, yeah, you can
Speaker 3: let yourself off the hook, like hopefully that'll stop you
Speaker 3: from having these panic dreams of like you know now
Speaker 3: what you're gonna do when and if that happens, which
Speaker 3: is you know, politely decline.
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, I will definitely follow up.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, awesome, Thanks for calling, Brassie.
Speaker 4: Thank you. Have a good day, guys.
Speaker 2: Bye bye.
Speaker 1: Do do do do do do drum roll Catherine, please,
Speaker 1: Chelsea Handler abroad. Abroad is my European So I'm coming
Speaker 1: to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get
Speaker 1: the health out of this fucking country. And it's not
Speaker 1: as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvic.
Speaker 1: I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm
Speaker 1: coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June. I'm
Speaker 1: coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna.
Speaker 1: I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona, and Lisbon.
Speaker 2: I'm coming abroad is abroad that sounds like fun. I'm
Speaker 2: going to go see you abroad.
Speaker 1: I know I want to go see me abroad and
Speaker 1: there all be, there all be upcoming Vegas States, April eighteenth,
Speaker 1: July fifth, August thirtieth, November one and twenty ninth at
Speaker 1: the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas.
Speaker 3: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
Speaker 3: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
Speaker 3: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
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