WEBVTT - Checking In Replay: Living vs. Existing 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.040 Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of 0:00:03.080 --> 0:00:20.160 iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Listen if you think you 0:00:20.200 --> 0:00:27.360 just need, you know, a little wisdom, some encouragement, this 0:00:27.440 --> 0:00:30.160 is the episode for you to listen to. We're going 0:00:30.240 --> 0:00:34.159 to talk about all things trust, the difference between living 0:00:34.479 --> 0:00:39.479 and just existing. I just felt the need to encourage 0:00:39.800 --> 0:00:42.320 some of the listeners out there. Y'all have been rocking 0:00:42.360 --> 0:00:46.280 with me now for three years, and I said every episode, 0:00:46.360 --> 0:00:50.640 I don't take your listening and you're downloading the episodes 0:00:50.680 --> 0:00:54.280 for granted add at all. Maybe tug on a friend 0:00:54.360 --> 0:00:59.920 and tell them, hey, this episode is for you. All right, y'all, 0:01:00.160 --> 0:01:03.240 we are really in the month of May. It really 0:01:03.400 --> 0:01:07.720 is the fifth month of twenty twenty three, y'all. This 0:01:07.840 --> 0:01:11.319 month is moving, This year is moving, and I hope 0:01:11.319 --> 0:01:15.080 you're moving with it. I began to think about the 0:01:15.080 --> 0:01:22.280 difference between living and existing and just trying to gauge 0:01:22.319 --> 0:01:25.560 the areas that I've just been existing in and areas 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:30.640 that I think I'm thriving in, thriving and living because 0:01:30.680 --> 0:01:34.920 life is going to always present a set of challenges, 0:01:35.800 --> 0:01:40.080 and my desire is for divine strategy and divine wisdom 0:01:40.200 --> 0:01:45.360 on how to navigate the obstacles and challenges that come 0:01:45.480 --> 0:01:49.960 my way, not only divine wisdom and strategies on how 0:01:50.000 --> 0:01:57.160 to overcome those obstacles. It's like, okay, also, Lord place 0:01:57.280 --> 0:02:02.880 divine help around me. But that is going to require trust, 0:02:03.880 --> 0:02:08.720 which I think I've said before, I haven't had an assistant. Ooh, 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:12.760 I haven't had a real assistant in over ten years 0:02:13.320 --> 0:02:16.760 because of my lack of trust. And I've got to 0:02:16.800 --> 0:02:19.399 get over that. I've got to give people an opportunity 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:23.000 not to prove themselves, because I wouldn't want anyone to 0:02:23.040 --> 0:02:25.560 work for me and think they have to perform for 0:02:25.760 --> 0:02:29.120 my trust. Now what do I mean perform? Well, let 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:30.800 me do this to make sure that she no, no, no, 0:02:30.680 --> 0:02:33.440 no no. I want you to be you. And I've 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:38.040 been reading this book. It's a brand new book by 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:42.440 doctor Henry Cloud called Trust. So y'all know doctor Henry 0:02:42.440 --> 0:02:46.240 Cloud is one of my favorite author of Safe People 0:02:46.560 --> 0:02:50.200 and Boundaries. He's got a few different versions of boundaries. 0:02:50.200 --> 0:02:54.440 He's got boundaries and dating boundary, I mean just so many. 0:02:54.840 --> 0:02:58.600 He's the bomb, amazing great psychologists, but he talks to 0:02:58.639 --> 0:03:01.720 you in a practical way. He's from Louisiana. So he's 0:03:01.760 --> 0:03:05.679 got a definite down to earth approach. And the subtitle 0:03:05.720 --> 0:03:07.920 of his book Trust is called knowing when to give it, 0:03:08.120 --> 0:03:10.440 when to withhold it, how to earn it, and how 0:03:10.480 --> 0:03:13.320 to fix it when it gets broken. So I'm going 0:03:13.400 --> 0:03:16.240 to dive into some of those excerpts later. But I 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:19.959 was trying to just figure out areas that I'm thriving 0:03:20.080 --> 0:03:25.040 in and then areas where, man, have I just gotten 0:03:25.040 --> 0:03:27.920 so numb in certain areas, And so I just felt 0:03:27.960 --> 0:03:31.359 led to encourage some folks out there who are kind 0:03:31.360 --> 0:03:33.919 of walking through life a little numb, because that's how 0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:36.680 you've chosen to protect yourself. You know, like when you 0:03:36.720 --> 0:03:39.200 go to the doctor and they have to give you 0:03:39.240 --> 0:03:41.360 a shot, or you're getting some dental work done and 0:03:41.400 --> 0:03:43.760 you gotta get a shot so they'll numb the area, 0:03:43.920 --> 0:03:46.600 and it's kind of like for your protection, so that 0:03:46.680 --> 0:03:50.480 you don't feel the pain. I will never forget a 0:03:50.520 --> 0:03:52.840 couple of years ago, I had a dream that I 0:03:52.960 --> 0:03:56.560 was being rolled into a surgical room and I was 0:03:56.600 --> 0:04:01.960 getting surgery or they were gonna cut a leg or something, 0:04:02.000 --> 0:04:06.920 but they did not want to give me anesthesia, and 0:04:07.360 --> 0:04:09.920 I remember I kept screaming I don't want to feel 0:04:09.920 --> 0:04:11.560 the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. I 0:04:11.560 --> 0:04:14.960 don't want to feel the pain. Like bro, give me medicine, 0:04:15.000 --> 0:04:19.760 give me anesthesia. Numb the area. So, yes, numbing the 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:23.720 area that's painful before you put a needle lined or 0:04:24.040 --> 0:04:27.880 do surgery or whatever. Yeah, that's good. It is a 0:04:27.920 --> 0:04:32.320 form of protection so that we're not terrorized by pain later, 0:04:32.560 --> 0:04:34.799 so that we're not terrorized to go to the doctor, 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:38.080 you know, for surgery or to get you know, a 0:04:38.160 --> 0:04:40.920 shot or medicine, and you got to get an IV. 0:04:41.600 --> 0:04:44.200 I get it, I get it. But there are some 0:04:44.560 --> 0:04:47.599 times where you're gonna actually have to feel the pain 0:04:47.800 --> 0:04:51.960 in order to heal the pain. I cannot heal something 0:04:52.000 --> 0:04:56.360 that I don't feel. You cannot walk around numb your 0:04:56.520 --> 0:04:59.880 entire life, because to me, when you're walking around no, 0:05:00.320 --> 0:05:03.960 that means there's some areas of healing. And I think 0:05:04.000 --> 0:05:06.800 we lessen the quality of life when we walk around 0:05:06.880 --> 0:05:10.359 just so numb and we just want to be so disassociated. 0:05:11.080 --> 0:05:16.400 And actually disassociation is actually a trauma response. It's what 0:05:16.560 --> 0:05:20.159 is happening to you as you are being abused or 0:05:20.839 --> 0:05:27.360 in an unsafe environment. You literally mentally disassociate yourself. It's 0:05:27.400 --> 0:05:29.600 like out of body. I don't want to see it. 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:31.800 I don't want to hear it. I don't want to 0:05:32.000 --> 0:05:36.320 feel it. I remember back in twenty eighteen, I had 0:05:36.320 --> 0:05:40.520 a moment of disassociation, and I don't remember the phone 0:05:40.640 --> 0:05:44.120 calls made to me. I don't remember anything that I 0:05:44.200 --> 0:05:47.839 even did in that period of time. So you can chucks. 0:05:47.960 --> 0:05:50.680 It could be disassociation, or it could even be a 0:05:50.920 --> 0:05:57.840 psychotic break, like you're so traumatized you just now. This 0:05:57.920 --> 0:06:00.679 is different to me blacking out before to do harm 0:06:00.760 --> 0:06:03.799 to somebody else. I'm talking about what happens when something 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:08.080 has been done to you, or you've gotten some news 0:06:08.360 --> 0:06:11.200 that you just couldn't handle. Have you ever seen a 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:13.640 love doing or maybe yourself when you got news that 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:20.240 someone passed away and it was unexpected and you pass out, 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:26.320 You black out, You don't remember anything right. But then 0:06:26.360 --> 0:06:31.080 there's sometimes where we are aware of the moment, but 0:06:31.120 --> 0:06:37.000 for the future, we just do things in our life 0:06:37.040 --> 0:06:38.560 where we're like, you know, I don't want to feel 0:06:38.600 --> 0:06:41.640 the pain. It's because you don't want to feel the pain. 0:06:42.000 --> 0:06:44.600 You won't go over Grandma's house anymore because y'all are 0:06:44.680 --> 0:06:47.119 so close. And when she passed away. You just can't. 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:49.240 You don't want to feel the pain. You don't want to. 0:06:49.680 --> 0:06:51.799 You don't want to smell fried chicken no more because 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:54.600 it reminds you of your best friend, because y'all used 0:06:54.640 --> 0:06:56.800 to smoke weed and eat chicken wings when you had 0:06:56.839 --> 0:06:59.440 the munchies, and now they're no longer here. Or you're 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:04.680 even reading someone who's actually maybe y'all broke up and 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:08.479 you just want to disassociate yourself from the memories, or 0:07:08.520 --> 0:07:11.239 you want to disassociate yourself from the pain that they 0:07:11.280 --> 0:07:15.360 caused you. I get it, but we got to heal 0:07:15.440 --> 0:07:19.520 that pain so we can be able to feel the 0:07:19.640 --> 0:07:23.360 wind on our cheeks, the sun beat on our face. 0:07:24.160 --> 0:07:26.360 You want to be able to feel the love that 0:07:26.440 --> 0:07:30.000 someone else is trying to give you, But because you're 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:34.760 so blocked off, you can't feel love. And I know 0:07:34.880 --> 0:07:39.520 you ain't given love. So I just wanted to speak 0:07:39.560 --> 0:07:43.400 into that, you know, and sometimes in order to feel 0:07:43.440 --> 0:07:46.160 the pain to heal it, I would encourage you to 0:07:46.400 --> 0:07:50.400 unpack that pain with someone, a professional or someone that 0:07:50.440 --> 0:07:54.160 you deem safe. Well, what do you mean, Michelle, So 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:56.360 if you want to unpack your pain with someone and 0:07:56.400 --> 0:07:59.960 process your pain, with a friend. Some steps are asked 0:08:00.120 --> 0:08:02.680 that friend and be like, hey, I want to process 0:08:02.720 --> 0:08:06.480 something with you, something that's just been weighing me down. 0:08:07.480 --> 0:08:11.920 But before I unload on you emotionally, are you in 0:08:12.000 --> 0:08:16.600 a place to help me right now? Now? You're a 0:08:16.680 --> 0:08:19.760 safe person, And if that person is a safe person, 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:23.800 you are giving them the choice to say, of course, 0:08:24.440 --> 0:08:28.680 let's talk. Or that person might say, Hey, let me 0:08:28.720 --> 0:08:31.280 put my kids to bed right quick, let me feed 0:08:31.320 --> 0:08:34.360 the dogs, let me make sure my partner has eaten, 0:08:34.760 --> 0:08:37.120 and I'm gonna call you back in an hour. Or 0:08:37.200 --> 0:08:40.920 that person might say I want to give y'all permission 0:08:40.960 --> 0:08:46.240 to even tell that person like, man, I'm in a 0:08:46.280 --> 0:08:49.640 place right now that I can listen, But I just 0:08:49.720 --> 0:08:51.280 want to let you know I'm in a place right 0:08:51.320 --> 0:08:54.800 now where you might not want to hear my advice 0:08:54.840 --> 0:08:57.360 on a situation because I'm going through it too. So 0:08:57.400 --> 0:09:01.400 I'm just giving you variations of of how to ask 0:09:01.600 --> 0:09:05.560 somebody and and what a safe person's response can be. 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:09.760 An unsafe person will be like, man, I hope we 0:09:09.760 --> 0:09:11.880 ain't finna talk about so and so because I told 0:09:11.960 --> 0:09:13.680 you not to date them in the first place. See 0:09:13.679 --> 0:09:16.760 if you didn't date them you wouldn't be heartbroken if 0:09:17.080 --> 0:09:19.520 man I told you not to move back to so 0:09:19.600 --> 0:09:24.760 and so. That's unsafe a safe person. I've already given 0:09:24.800 --> 0:09:28.040 you a couple variations of how a safe person will 0:09:28.080 --> 0:09:31.679 respond if you decide you want to unpack the pain 0:09:32.520 --> 0:09:38.079 or unpacked the pain with a professional counselor. But I 0:09:38.120 --> 0:09:40.800 really want you to get that weight off of you. 0:09:40.880 --> 0:09:44.439 I feel like the pain you carry is weight. It's 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:46.640 kind of like imagine if you're trying to walk on 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:49.199 a beautiful beach and you got buckets in your hand 0:09:49.200 --> 0:09:53.120 because you're supposed to be collecting sand, but it's nothing 0:09:53.160 --> 0:09:57.920 but stones, and each stone represents pain you're carrying. Each 0:09:58.000 --> 0:10:05.640 stone represents betrayal, disappointment, regret, And it seems like it's 0:10:05.760 --> 0:10:09.959 light to carry at first, but the longer you keep walking, 0:10:11.360 --> 0:10:14.200 it gets heavier. So I want you to be able 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:18.680 to walk through life and unburden yourselves. I want you 0:10:18.760 --> 0:10:27.920 to lighten your load. To my friends that are listening, 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:32.760 who listen every week, I want to call your name individually, 0:10:33.040 --> 0:10:39.880 but baby girl, unload that pain. That pain is not 0:10:40.040 --> 0:10:44.280 your identity. It is not who you are. The pain 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:46.880 that someone inflicted on you is not who you are 0:10:47.120 --> 0:10:50.000 the disappointment you feel. That's not your identity. You have 0:10:50.120 --> 0:10:54.440 nothing to do with that. But you are responsible for 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:59.280 your healing. You cannot put your healing in the hands 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:02.080 of the person that hurt you in the first place. 0:11:03.400 --> 0:11:06.080 Nine times out of ten they have moved on with 0:11:06.160 --> 0:11:08.600 their life. They probably don't even know that you hurt. 0:11:08.679 --> 0:11:11.680 They hurt you because they're so toxic, they're so used 0:11:11.679 --> 0:11:16.200 to living in dysfunction that they think it's normal. No, no, no, no, no, 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:22.000 it is not normal. Just because you survive dysfunction, don't 0:11:22.000 --> 0:11:28.320 mean it's normal, all right. Surviving abuse, being abused is 0:11:28.400 --> 0:11:34.320 not normal, verbally, physically, in any kind of way. It's 0:11:34.360 --> 0:11:37.760 not cool, all right. So that will get you to 0:11:37.840 --> 0:11:42.200 a place of living and not just existing because you 0:11:42.360 --> 0:11:46.000 chose to numb yourself because of all the pain that 0:11:46.040 --> 0:11:49.720 you're in. And maybe maybe you're not the person in pain. 0:11:49.920 --> 0:11:52.920 Maybe you're in relationship with someone who is and it's 0:11:52.960 --> 0:11:55.800 affecting the quality of your relationships. And I'm not just 0:11:55.800 --> 0:11:59.800 talking about romantic relationships, just people you friends with. Some 0:12:00.000 --> 0:12:03.680 how you cool it. They always come into the house down, 0:12:03.960 --> 0:12:08.560 They always negative that they're in pain. Help them, maybe 0:12:08.679 --> 0:12:13.079 initiate the conversation and be like, friend, it's been about 0:12:13.080 --> 0:12:17.000 four years. I don't know whether it's been a year 0:12:17.160 --> 0:12:19.400 four years and we keep talking about the same thing, 0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:23.920 or I knowice like you just seem so irritable, and 0:12:24.040 --> 0:12:28.920 irritability is often mistake for anger when it's really depression, 0:12:29.400 --> 0:12:33.520 all right. So that person could just be depressed because 0:12:33.559 --> 0:12:36.680 they haven't had an outlet or a safe place to 0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:39.760 share you know what they've been going through, you know 0:12:39.760 --> 0:12:42.880 what I mean. My pastor said something on Sunday, He 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:47.440 said some people want attention, not intervention. So you gonna 0:12:47.440 --> 0:12:50.280 have those people in your life as well. But make 0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:53.840 sure it's not you, all right, And make sure that 0:12:54.679 --> 0:12:57.160 when a person is talking to you, you have permission 0:12:57.200 --> 0:13:00.080 to say I hear what you're saying, and thank you 0:13:00.120 --> 0:13:03.240 so much for sharing. Are you just wanting me to listen? 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:07.520 Or do you want my advice? Or can I help 0:13:07.559 --> 0:13:10.520 you with a solution, especially if you have a track 0:13:10.640 --> 0:13:13.520 record of great solutions, Especially if you have a great 0:13:13.600 --> 0:13:17.800 track record like I'm gonna take advice from somebody who 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:21.280 got a life that I want to live. Well, I 0:13:21.320 --> 0:13:23.400 guess you can also listen to people who live a 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:25.800 life you don't want to live because of bad choices 0:13:25.800 --> 0:13:27.920 that they made. You can look at them and be like, Okay, 0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:30.360 you a blueprint and you out of life that I 0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:34.840 don't want to live, but it's a possibility. Like I 0:13:34.880 --> 0:13:38.360 feel like I have the authority to speak on areas 0:13:38.360 --> 0:13:43.600 of healing depression, anxiety. I feel like I've walked through enough. 0:13:43.679 --> 0:13:48.800 I feel like I've overcome enough. I feel like I believe. 0:13:49.679 --> 0:13:53.320 I hope I've been a good witness to y'all about 0:13:53.480 --> 0:13:58.880 being resilient, getting that bounced back, you know, from situations 0:13:58.880 --> 0:14:01.960 that were meant to kill me, humiliate me, embarrass me, 0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:04.720 or make me just want to give up on life. 0:14:05.280 --> 0:14:11.120 Through the grace of God and y'all's prayers and support, oooh, 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:15.480 I'm here. I'm here, and there are so many other 0:14:15.559 --> 0:14:18.280 people who've got a great track record of living this 0:14:18.400 --> 0:14:22.960 life that you can talk to. And so I really 0:14:23.000 --> 0:14:25.600 pray that, and I hope y'all allow me to say 0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:29.200 the word pray. My prayer is that you get surrounded 0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:36.840 with safe people and people you can trust. So, speaking 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:41.480 of trust, I have been reading this book called Trust 0:14:41.600 --> 0:14:46.640 by doctor Henry Cloud. Again. The subtitle is knowing when 0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:51.120 to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it, 0:14:51.680 --> 0:14:56.080 and how to fix it when it gets broken. Y'all, 0:14:56.120 --> 0:15:00.520 we gotta trust. Have you ever heard people that say, 0:15:00.600 --> 0:15:03.720 I don't trust nobody, but you get on an airplane. 0:15:04.240 --> 0:15:07.720 You don't know the pilot, you don't know the flight attendance, 0:15:08.400 --> 0:15:14.640 but you on that plane. I don't trust nobody, but 0:15:14.720 --> 0:15:20.960 you get your food delivered. I don't trust nobody, but 0:15:21.000 --> 0:15:24.720 you drive a car hoping that everybody obeys the traffic 0:15:24.800 --> 0:15:32.240 signals and stop signs. Child, you ain't got that one person, 0:15:32.360 --> 0:15:36.720 So ask them if you don't trust nobody. You took 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:40.560 the subway to work today, did you trust the conductor 0:15:40.600 --> 0:15:44.320 and that the train would not derail based on the 0:15:44.360 --> 0:15:47.000 people that are to ensure that the train stays on 0:15:47.040 --> 0:15:51.720 the rail. So you trust somebody, all right? Ain't that funny? 0:15:54.360 --> 0:15:57.240 So there are some things in the book where he 0:15:57.280 --> 0:15:59.920 says we can become better and better at knowing who 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:03.640 is trustworthy and who is not, and we can get 0:16:03.680 --> 0:16:07.080 better at deciding when and with whom we will put 0:16:07.120 --> 0:16:12.600 ourselves at risk. Loving someone is a risk. Being in 0:16:12.720 --> 0:16:16.680 relationship with some is a risk. Chow some of your 0:16:16.720 --> 0:16:21.360 coworkers is a risk, But it is a risk that 0:16:22.080 --> 0:16:26.000 majority of the time you will find that it was 0:16:26.120 --> 0:16:30.800 a risk worth taking. There's a part in this book 0:16:30.840 --> 0:16:35.200 that says, possibly everyone reading this book, including me, has 0:16:35.240 --> 0:16:40.080 been victimized by a betrayal small or large that still stings. 0:16:41.160 --> 0:16:46.000 We all have our stories of misplaced trust. We either 0:16:46.440 --> 0:16:50.000 missed warning signs and moved forward when we shouldn't have, 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:54.680 or worse, the warning signs were not visible, y'all. I 0:16:54.880 --> 0:17:00.560 definitely moved forward on something when I shouldn't have. Before, 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:04.320 I moved forward on doing a reality show when something 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:08.080 in the pit of my stomach said do not do it, 0:17:09.080 --> 0:17:12.240 and we did it anyway, And I think we both 0:17:12.320 --> 0:17:15.240 did it because we were like, no, this is just 0:17:15.680 --> 0:17:20.960 the first time of doing something like this. We're just afraid. No. No, 0:17:22.280 --> 0:17:25.160 God was trying to protect. He was trying to protect 0:17:25.200 --> 0:17:29.600 so much in that season of my life, but I 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:34.159 did not heed to that warning. Missing warning signs. This 0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:37.520 book says everything about the situation looked good on the surface, 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:41.320 and maybe it was, but we got burned. Anyway, when 0:17:41.320 --> 0:17:44.119 we look back, we say to ourselves, I just didn't 0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:47.119 see that coming, or how could they have done that 0:17:47.200 --> 0:17:50.800 to me? We were such good friends or lovers or partners. 0:17:50.840 --> 0:17:54.280 How could they have treated me that way? And sometimes 0:17:54.480 --> 0:17:58.120 it is not even an actual betrayal, but someone's honest 0:17:58.200 --> 0:18:02.720 inability to do what we need. We don't have good answers, 0:18:03.520 --> 0:18:08.919 but we do have scars. I promise you that you 0:18:08.960 --> 0:18:12.400 will never be betrayed or let down again after reading 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:16.880 this book. Okay. One of the goals of the book 0:18:17.000 --> 0:18:19.040 is to equip you to know how to read between 0:18:19.080 --> 0:18:22.399 the lines of what someone tells you, tries to sell you, 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:24.879 or promises you, and to be able to see what 0:18:24.960 --> 0:18:29.080 is trustworthy and what is not. Listen, I got to 0:18:29.119 --> 0:18:34.240 have him on the podcast. But this blessed me so 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:39.720 much and blessed me so much, especially when you are 0:18:39.760 --> 0:18:44.320 in a situation where you're like, Okay, I don't trust, 0:18:44.320 --> 0:18:47.000 but I want to trust. This book even says that 0:18:47.200 --> 0:18:54.480 trust muscles can be repaired. Isn't that encouraging? Because maybe 0:18:54.520 --> 0:18:59.040 you were the person that inflicted pain, right, and so 0:18:59.240 --> 0:19:03.320 you are worth looking to establish trust in a relationship again. 0:19:04.119 --> 0:19:08.439 And so I was encouraged. You know when he said 0:19:08.840 --> 0:19:12.280 in the book that trust muscles can be repaired. You 0:19:12.320 --> 0:19:15.639 gotta heal first, get past the anger and need for 0:19:15.800 --> 0:19:22.400 revenge and forgive ponder and determine its reconciliation possible, and 0:19:22.480 --> 0:19:25.440 then a new track record being built. So while you're 0:19:25.440 --> 0:19:28.720 building those trust muscles, somebody should be able to look 0:19:28.760 --> 0:19:31.600 back and say, ma'am, you really hurt me or you 0:19:31.680 --> 0:19:35.640 really disappointed me, but your track record these past six 0:19:35.680 --> 0:19:39.480 months or this past year has helped me rebuild my 0:19:39.680 --> 0:19:43.240 trust in you. Listen, you ain't perfect. I'm not perfect. 0:19:43.280 --> 0:19:46.520 I'm gonna I'm gonna need someone to trust me again. 0:19:46.640 --> 0:19:49.000 And I have been in that place where I needed 0:19:49.040 --> 0:19:55.120 someone to trust me again. And I love I love love, love, 0:19:55.200 --> 0:19:59.760 love love love. The five essentials of trust, he says 0:19:59.800 --> 0:20:02.639 that you can trust someone when you feel your needs 0:20:02.760 --> 0:20:08.520 or understood, felt and cared about. So that's understanding. The 0:20:08.560 --> 0:20:12.159 second essential love trust is motive, when he says you 0:20:12.200 --> 0:20:15.160 can trust someone when you feel their motive is for you, 0:20:15.320 --> 0:20:19.240 not just for themselves. I have been in situations where 0:20:19.280 --> 0:20:23.960 I've been asked to do something and I be like, now, 0:20:23.960 --> 0:20:25.840 how that's gonna work out for me? What's in it 0:20:25.880 --> 0:20:28.240 for me? Now? There are moments where you do do 0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:30.960 things for people because you're like, God's been so good 0:20:30.960 --> 0:20:33.639 to me. I don't need nothing out of this I'm 0:20:33.640 --> 0:20:36.320 gonna show up, I'm there, let's go. But then there 0:20:36.359 --> 0:20:39.040 are some people you're like, they kind of got an 0:20:39.080 --> 0:20:44.439 opportuneist spirit on them, right, So you can trust someone 0:20:44.480 --> 0:20:47.720 when you feel that even when they ask of you 0:20:47.840 --> 0:20:51.000 to do something, you still feel like their motive is 0:20:51.080 --> 0:20:56.160 for you and not just for themselves. A thirty central 0:20:56.160 --> 0:20:59.159 love trust is ability. You can trust someone when you 0:20:59.200 --> 0:21:02.159 feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and 0:21:02.200 --> 0:21:05.640 deliver results for what you have and trusted to them. Okay, 0:21:05.800 --> 0:21:08.960 some of y'all are in partnership with a friend loved one. 0:21:09.520 --> 0:21:14.320 Y'all are opening up a business. Uh, y'all decided, Hey, 0:21:14.320 --> 0:21:17.760 we gonna do a food truck, or we gonna have 0:21:17.920 --> 0:21:22.280 a dance group, or we're gonna design clothes together. And 0:21:22.400 --> 0:21:27.760 they keep missing deadlines, your trust is eventually waning or 0:21:27.800 --> 0:21:30.560 they barely meet the deadline, and you're like, I don't 0:21:30.600 --> 0:21:33.520 trust that you're gonna deliver. I don't trust that you 0:21:33.600 --> 0:21:36.520 can do this work. So another essential of trust is 0:21:36.560 --> 0:21:40.720 the ability. Do they have the ability to deliver results 0:21:40.760 --> 0:21:43.520 for what you've been trusted them to do. Maybe you 0:21:43.600 --> 0:21:46.280 have a company and you've hired someone and they keep 0:21:46.440 --> 0:21:49.520 dropping the ball. The amazing thing about this book is 0:21:49.640 --> 0:21:53.800 just not trust as it relates to romantic partners or family. 0:21:54.040 --> 0:21:57.400 It's also for leaders. It's also for business owners. It's 0:21:57.480 --> 0:22:00.159 you know, you're like, yo, I got employees, and to 0:22:00.200 --> 0:22:03.080 what them keep dropping the ball. I'm starting to lose 0:22:03.119 --> 0:22:08.399 trust in them. Baby, listen, they gotta know honey, you 0:22:08.560 --> 0:22:10.480 lose and trust in them and they finna lose what 0:22:10.520 --> 0:22:14.280 they say, You about to lose your job. The fourth 0:22:14.320 --> 0:22:18.280 e centerl of trust is character. You can trust someone 0:22:18.320 --> 0:22:21.560 who has the character or personal makeup needed for what 0:22:21.760 --> 0:22:27.399 you and trust them with Trusting someone who has the character. Ooh. 0:22:29.080 --> 0:22:35.160 Character is so important because it's not it's not what 0:22:35.240 --> 0:22:41.440 you do really on stage, it's how are you off 0:22:41.520 --> 0:22:46.240 the stage? It's not what you do in front of everybody. 0:22:46.400 --> 0:22:52.240 What are you like behind closed doors? Hey? Oh, I 0:22:52.400 --> 0:22:54.800 know for me, that's something you gotta work on every 0:22:54.880 --> 0:22:56.680 day because I don't want to be the person where 0:22:56.680 --> 0:23:01.440 it's like the world adores me, but my kids one 0:23:01.520 --> 0:23:03.760 day or my husband one day is lit. But she 0:23:04.040 --> 0:23:07.480 was a witch at home? You know what I mean? Like, no, no, no, 0:23:07.520 --> 0:23:09.880 you will all of that to match. No, it's all 0:23:09.920 --> 0:23:17.280 gotta make sense. Character people, the fifth essentials of trust 0:23:17.440 --> 0:23:20.159 is you can trust someone who has a track record 0:23:20.200 --> 0:23:22.879 of performing in the ways you need them to perform. 0:23:23.119 --> 0:23:26.840 Track record, all right, you can trust someone who has 0:23:26.880 --> 0:23:30.359 the track record of just showing up when people say 0:23:30.400 --> 0:23:35.160 they're gonna do something. They're there, you're getting ready to move, 0:23:35.600 --> 0:23:37.480 and someone says, Okay, I'm beat, I may help you 0:23:37.520 --> 0:23:39.320 pack it all up, and I'm gonna let you use 0:23:39.359 --> 0:23:43.040 my truck, and we wo and then they don't show up, 0:23:44.040 --> 0:23:47.880 they don't call, and they've done this like twice on you. 0:23:48.640 --> 0:23:54.840 Mm hmmm. Y'all. It blessed me so much. And the 0:23:55.000 --> 0:24:03.400 five essentials of trust again, those five essentials are under standing, motive, ability, character, 0:24:03.560 --> 0:24:07.400 and track record. But y'all, it made me ask two 0:24:07.520 --> 0:24:12.560 questions of myself. It made me ask who is in 0:24:12.600 --> 0:24:16.320 my life that has these five essentials? Who is in 0:24:16.400 --> 0:24:20.080 your life that has those five essentials? And then the 0:24:20.119 --> 0:24:25.160 other question I had was do I carry these essentials 0:24:25.160 --> 0:24:30.399 in me? Can people say that I have those five 0:24:30.680 --> 0:24:37.960 essentials of trust? I've been big on talking about setting boundaries, right, 0:24:38.760 --> 0:24:41.640 but like, how many people have maybe had to set 0:24:41.640 --> 0:24:45.440 a boundary with me, Lisa, I'm setting boundaries. I don't 0:24:45.520 --> 0:24:51.280 trust nobody. Well, do people trust you? Do you carry 0:24:52.000 --> 0:24:57.280 those five trust essentials? Can people say your motive is pure? 0:24:58.200 --> 0:25:01.439 Can people say that you show up up? Can people 0:25:01.480 --> 0:25:05.360 say you know what so and so is a hot mess? 0:25:05.720 --> 0:25:15.280 But they are consistent, they got my back. I'm so grateful. 0:25:15.840 --> 0:25:21.399 I know I got at least one hand of people 0:25:21.440 --> 0:25:24.920 that I can name right now that are consistent. We 0:25:25.040 --> 0:25:29.200 might not talk every day every week, but they are 0:25:29.320 --> 0:25:34.480 consistent in showing up. They are consistent in how they 0:25:34.640 --> 0:25:41.080 move towards me and with me. I'm thankful, I'm super thankful. 0:25:41.200 --> 0:25:44.439 But I always got to make sure that that level 0:25:44.560 --> 0:25:47.160 of trust and how I need people to show up 0:25:47.160 --> 0:25:50.760 for me. I gotta make sure that I show up 0:25:50.800 --> 0:25:54.360 for them and don't just show up when it's convenient. 0:25:55.240 --> 0:25:57.439 Isn't it something where you're like, you know, I got 0:25:57.560 --> 0:25:59.320 a call off work, but I'm gonna be there for 0:25:59.359 --> 0:26:02.080 you in your time need. I'm gonna take a vacation 0:26:02.240 --> 0:26:05.159 day and I'm gonna be there. Somebody might lost their parents, 0:26:05.440 --> 0:26:07.840 lost a loved one, or lost a job and they're 0:26:07.840 --> 0:26:12.240 going through depression. Can you show up for somebody? Can 0:26:12.280 --> 0:26:17.960 you instacart them some some groceries? Child, I'll never forget 0:26:18.080 --> 0:26:22.120 during COVID, if folks that I knew were sick, I'd 0:26:22.160 --> 0:26:23.520 be like, well, at least let me send you some 0:26:23.600 --> 0:26:26.720 ginger rell because I ain't coming to your house. But 0:26:26.840 --> 0:26:29.480 let me send you this good old chicken soup and 0:26:29.520 --> 0:26:34.040 some turmeric and ginger probiotic. You know them little drinks 0:26:34.040 --> 0:26:38.520 that you can just shoot them and just swallow them 0:26:38.520 --> 0:26:42.680 in like two seconds. Yeah, that's me. That's me. I'm 0:26:42.680 --> 0:26:44.919 gonna send you some groceries in a minute, now, that's me. 0:26:45.359 --> 0:26:48.479