Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
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Speaker 1: Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward, Slash Tour and get
Speaker 1: yours today. We're taught so many things early in our
Speaker 1: life that we never use again. Think about the subjects
Speaker 1: you learned at school. What percentage of the subjects you
Speaker 1: studied at school do you practically use today. I'm guessing
Speaker 1: that percentage is quite low. But the skills I'm about
Speaker 1: to share with you today, if we had learned them
Speaker 1: that early, they would have benefited us forever. It's incredible
Speaker 1: to me that no one's sharing these insights that often
Speaker 1: we don't hear them as the best pieces of advice.
Speaker 1: This isn't what we're being told. It's something that you
Speaker 1: have to read in between the lines to actually extract
Speaker 1: and implement in your life. The number one health and
Speaker 1: wellness podcast Jay Sheety, Jay Sheddy Ly j Hei Everyone,
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for tuning in today about the
Speaker 1: seven lessons I wish I had learned sooner. Truly, these
Speaker 1: are seven lessons I wish I learned in my twenties,
Speaker 1: even in my teens, and I think they would have
Speaker 1: changed my life. They would have changed the quality of
Speaker 1: my relationships. They would have changed my performance at work.
Speaker 1: They would have changed how quickly I found my purpose. Now,
Speaker 1: if any of you out there are struggling with making
Speaker 1: an impact, if you're struggling with your mind, if you're
Speaker 1: struggling with anxiety or stress, this episode is for you.
Speaker 1: But before we dive in, I want to ask you
Speaker 1: a simple, simple request. It would mean the world to
Speaker 1: me if you would subscribe to this channel every single
Speaker 1: week For years, I've been creating content to serve you,
Speaker 1: to help you, to support you, and I know that
Speaker 1: you're the type of person that would love to be
Speaker 1: a part of this community. When you click subscribe, you're
Speaker 1: not just subscribing to a channel. You're actually committing to
Speaker 1: a journey of growth, transformation, and service. And you're allowing
Speaker 1: me and my team to continue to do this work,
Speaker 1: which we can't wait to keep giving. So thank you
Speaker 1: so much. Collect that subscribe button. So let's dive straight in.
Speaker 1: The reason why the lessons I'm about to share with
Speaker 1: you today are so powerful and so important is that
Speaker 1: they're often missed. We're taught so many things early in
Speaker 1: our life that we never use again. Think about the
Speaker 1: subjects you learned at school. What percentage of the subjects
Speaker 1: you studied at school do you practically use today. I'm
Speaker 1: guessing that percentage is quite low. But the skills I'm
Speaker 1: about to share with you today, if we had learned
Speaker 1: them that early, they would have benefited us forever. It's
Speaker 1: incredible to me that no one's sharing these insights that
Speaker 1: often we don't hear them as the best pieces of advice.
Speaker 1: This isn't what we're being told. It's something that you
Speaker 1: have to read in between the lines to actually extract
Speaker 1: and implement in your life. I hope you have your
Speaker 1: note pad out if you don't worry We'll be summarizing
Speaker 1: this as we go along, and you'll be able to
Speaker 1: come back any point to grab the insight that you missed.
Speaker 1: Feel free to pause, play, rewind, fast forward as you will,
Speaker 1: because I want to make sure that this message lands.
Speaker 1: The first lesson I wish i'd learn sooner is the
Speaker 1: less you say, the more your words will matter. I
Speaker 1: always used to think that the loudest person in a
Speaker 1: room had the most power, that the person who taught
Speaker 1: the most had the most control, until I realized the
Speaker 1: person who spoke the most was the least in control.
Speaker 1: They were trying to come across as likable, they were
Speaker 1: trying to be popular, and in that attempt, they were
Speaker 1: actually making it harder for them to be memorable. It
Speaker 1: was hard to be interesting for a thirty minute conversation,
Speaker 1: and talk for twenty minutes of it. It was really
Speaker 1: difficult to be memorable when you said so many things
Speaker 1: but no one remembered what you exactly said. It felt
Speaker 1: really uncomfortable to be quiet, but every time you kept
Speaker 1: trying to interject and say something, you felt even less
Speaker 1: confident because you didn't have anything meaningful to say. This principle,
Speaker 1: this lesson, will change your life. The first thing it
Speaker 1: will do is it will stop you from being anxious
Speaker 1: in social settings. The number of us that walk into
Speaker 1: a social setting and try to come off as interesting
Speaker 1: and important, only to leave feeling insignificant and irrelevant to
Speaker 1: the conversation. If you realize that being silent is not
Speaker 1: a weakness, being silent is a strength. Why because you
Speaker 1: can listen. It means when you respond, people will also
Speaker 1: be able to tell that you took in what they say. See,
Speaker 1: most of us are struggling not because we don't listen,
Speaker 1: but because we're thinking about what we want to say
Speaker 1: while we're listening. Because of that, we don't even digest
Speaker 1: what someone is sharing. So when we open our mouth,
Speaker 1: that person feels disconnected and distant. So firstly, it will
Speaker 1: remove that anxiety and nervousness when you're at a party,
Speaker 1: a social setting, a work event, whatever it may be.
Speaker 1: The second thing is you get the opportunity to be interested,
Speaker 1: which is even more important than being interesting. People love
Speaker 1: to share and answer great questions. When you get good
Speaker 1: at asking good questions, people feel good, they react in
Speaker 1: a good way. They appreciate it. Now most of us,
Speaker 1: when we ask questions, we ask things like how is
Speaker 1: your day? That person has been ask that for so
Speaker 1: many years in their life that they have a rehearsed,
Speaker 1: regurgitated answer something like good, fine, okay, blah. Right now,
Speaker 1: you may be a little more bold and talk about
Speaker 1: the weather. That's boring too. That person has been asked
Speaker 1: about the weather for years now. You may have heard
Speaker 1: let's ask someone what's exciting for them? That can sometimes
Speaker 1: feel quite challenging for that person. Here's what I'm gonna
Speaker 1: share with you. If you're going to ask something, share
Speaker 1: your thoughts on it. First, say I've been watching this
Speaker 1: really cool TV show. What's your thoughts on it? Have
Speaker 1: you seen it? They go no, I haven't seen it,
Speaker 1: and they say, tell me about it. Now, you've actually
Speaker 1: been asked to share. A lot of us say so
Speaker 1: much when we're not asked. Unsolicited advice and unsolicited conversation
Speaker 1: is potentially the hardest to hold someone's attention with. When
Speaker 1: someone asks you a question and you respond, that keeps
Speaker 1: their attention. When you talk without letting someone else get involved,
Speaker 1: we actually lose their attention. The less you say, the
Speaker 1: more your words will matter. The less you complain, the
Speaker 1: more people will listen. The less you react, the more
Speaker 1: control you hold. The less you argue, the more dignity
Speaker 1: you keep, the less you chase, the more you attract,
Speaker 1: The less you speak from emotion, the more weight your
Speaker 1: words carry, the less you overcompensate, the more people understand
Speaker 1: you less, noise, more impact less, chatter, more respect less,
Speaker 1: explaining more commanding, speak less and mean more. When you
Speaker 1: walk into a room and you just start complaining about
Speaker 1: your day, complaining about your journey, complaining about the travel,
Speaker 1: complaining about your weekend, what does that do? It puts
Speaker 1: everyone into a negative space and negative environment. They now
Speaker 1: connect you and associate you with negative emotions. Even if
Speaker 1: they say I agree, I'm sorry you went through that,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry to hear it. You have now created a
Speaker 1: contagious space for negativity. Save that complaining for a friend
Speaker 1: you can vent to save that complaining for someone who
Speaker 1: shares the same with you. When you're walking into the workplace,
Speaker 1: when you're walking into a family event, walk in and
Speaker 1: share something amazing that happened to you, something that you're
Speaker 1: grateful for are to someone else, what was the most
Speaker 1: memorable part of their week, something beautiful that happened to them.
Speaker 1: All of a sudden, you're going to kickstart a chain
Speaker 1: reaction of positive events. In today's world of endless chatter,
Speaker 1: it's easy to believe more words mean more connection, but
Speaker 1: studies showed the opposite. According to a twenty fourteen Harvard study,
Speaker 1: people remember only seventeen to twenty five percent of what
Speaker 1: they hear in conversations. Flood someone with words, and your
Speaker 1: meaning gets lost like a drop in a nocean. Wise
Speaker 1: communicators know brevity creates impact. In zen teachings, a story
Speaker 1: tells of a student who asked his master for the
Speaker 1: secret of wisdom. A student went up to his teacher
Speaker 1: and asked, what is the secret of wisdom? The teacher
Speaker 1: simply replied, listen. The student asked again, what is the
Speaker 1: secret of wisdom? The teacher applied listen. Frustrated, the student
Speaker 1: demanded more explanation, to which the teacher applied, if you listened,
Speaker 1: you wouldn't need more words. This is one of my
Speaker 1: favorite stories because it shows us that, rather than thinking
Speaker 1: about what we're going to say, what we're thinking evaluating,
Speaker 1: if we simply listened, paused, and responded, we'd actually have
Speaker 1: something meaningful to say. The reason you don't have something
Speaker 1: meaningful to say is because you haven't listened. We don't
Speaker 1: listen because we're scared of the gap between listening and responding.
Speaker 1: But actually, if you listen and you take that time,
Speaker 1: what you say will have more value, more impact, and
Speaker 1: it's more likely to be remembered. So here's a habit,
Speaker 1: a practical habit I want to share with you before
Speaker 1: your next conversation, Ask yourself, what is the essential message
Speaker 1: I want them to remember. Say it clearly in one
Speaker 1: or two sentences. So when you walk into a conversation,
Speaker 1: make it really clear to yourself what is it I
Speaker 1: want to communicate. What is the essence of what I
Speaker 1: actually want to share? What do I want to embody?
Speaker 1: And let your silence add weight to your words. The
Speaker 1: second lesson I wish i'd learned sooner is let go
Speaker 1: or be dragged. Think about this. When you don't let
Speaker 1: go of something, it doesn't stop, It doesn't pause. If
Speaker 1: you don't let go of a person, they don't stop changing.
Speaker 1: If you don't let go of a person, they don't
Speaker 1: stop living. If you don't let go of a person,
Speaker 1: they don't stop doing whatever it is they're doing. Sometimes
Speaker 1: the only way to strengthen your own relationship with yourself
Speaker 1: is to disconnect and let go of someone else. Think
Speaker 1: about all the times in your life where you were
Speaker 1: so attracted to someone you just kept pursuing them. What happened?
Speaker 1: You didn't let go, and you felt dragged along. What
Speaker 1: about when there was someone that you were dating and
Speaker 1: maybe they gave you all the signs, you saw, all
Speaker 1: the red flags that this person wasn't right for you.
Speaker 1: But what did you do. You didn't let go, and
Speaker 1: so you were dragged. And what about that friend who
Speaker 1: kept manipulating you, kept taking advantage of you, took you
Speaker 1: for granted, and you didn't let go, so you got tragged.
Speaker 1: It's much better when we voluntarily early on let go,
Speaker 1: rather than get dragged throughout our life along with this
Speaker 1: person wherever they're going in whichever direction. Let go or
Speaker 1: be dragged, Let go or be left behind. Let go,
Speaker 1: or be broken by what you're clinging to. Let go
Speaker 1: or be crushed under the weight of what's gone. Let go,
Speaker 1: or lose yourself trying to hold what's already slipping away.
Speaker 1: Let go, or stay trapped in a life that no
Speaker 1: longer fits you. Clutching what hurts you doesn't save you.
Speaker 1: It sinks you. Clinging to what's over doesn't preserve it, It
Speaker 1: poisons you. Holding on too long turns love into resentment,
Speaker 1: hope into suffering, memories into anchors. What you won't release
Speaker 1: will eventually release you, maybe even brutally. What you won't
Speaker 1: walk away from will drag you until you can't walk
Speaker 1: at all. You don't lose by letting go, You lose
Speaker 1: by refusing to let go. See the thing is, attachment
Speaker 1: often feels like love, but unchecked attachment is more like
Speaker 1: a chain. There's even science to back this up. Neuroscience
Speaker 1: shows that our brains literally rewire around emotional pain. Holding
Speaker 1: onto resentment, disappointment, or hope for change can activate the
Speaker 1: same brain regions as physical pain. There's another zen story
Speaker 1: that I love to. Two monks are walking on a beach.
Speaker 1: They come across a woman who's actually drowning in the ocean.
Speaker 1: One monk jumps into the ocean, swims out, picks her up,
Speaker 1: and brings her back to shore. They make sure she's
Speaker 1: okay and walk on forward. A few hours later, the
Speaker 1: other monk asks the monk who jumped into the ocean,
Speaker 1: my brother, Where monks we're not supposed to touch women let
Speaker 1: alone carry them. How could you do that? The other
Speaker 1: monk replied, I carried her to safety. I set her
Speaker 1: down a few hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?
Speaker 1: This story beautifully illustrates the idea that the longer you
Speaker 1: carry something, the more it weighs you down, the more
Speaker 1: it affects you. And so many of us look at
Speaker 1: letting go like failure. We look at letting go like
Speaker 1: we made some mistake. We look at letting go like
Speaker 1: we're ruining something that actually letting go can be the
Speaker 1: best path forward. So here's a really practical step. I
Speaker 1: want to take. Write down one grudge, one disappointment or
Speaker 1: fantasy your clinging to, and then ask yourself this, what
Speaker 1: would happen if I set it down today? Imagine walking
Speaker 1: lighter for just one hour, and act from that place.
Speaker 1: Do the thought experiment you don't even have to do
Speaker 1: in reality. Just think about it for a moment. If
Speaker 1: you let it down, If you started applying for new
Speaker 1: jobs today rather than complaining about your current one. If
Speaker 1: you started to find new connections and friends instead of
Speaker 1: comparing your life to your old ones. If you started
Speaker 1: to allow yourself to let go of the expectations you
Speaker 1: have of others, who would you be? I promise you
Speaker 1: the answer is far better than you even imagine. And
Speaker 1: if you're scared to do it in practice, practice it
Speaker 1: first in your mind. The third lesson I wish I'd
Speaker 1: learned sooner was talk about your relationship with the person
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship with more than you talk to others.
Speaker 1: I speak to so many people now. I know you've
Speaker 1: done this before, and so have I. We all talk
Speaker 1: about our relationships with other people. I'm not just talking
Speaker 1: about romantic relationships, even our friendships. You have a friend
Speaker 1: over here, you complain about them to this friend over here.
Speaker 1: You have your partner over here, you compare them to
Speaker 1: someone else's partner over there. You have an issue with
Speaker 1: someone over here, you talk about the issue with someone
Speaker 1: else who's not connected to the issue. No, I'm not
Speaker 1: saying don't have friends. I'm not saying don't talk to
Speaker 1: your family. It's great to get advice from a therapist
Speaker 1: or a coach, or even people in your life. It's
Speaker 1: about the proportion. Eighty percent of our life should be
Speaker 1: talking to that person, and twenty percent is talking to others.
Speaker 1: To get wise counseled, to get advice, to get insights.
Speaker 1: It's a really healthy thing. The problem is our proportions
Speaker 1: are the opposite. We may spend twenty percent speaking to
Speaker 1: the person we have a relationship with, and that twenty
Speaker 1: percent might be filled with arguments, conflict, tension, and then
Speaker 1: we go and talk about it with someone else who
Speaker 1: doesn't have the power to solve it. This will change
Speaker 1: your life if you started to spend more time talking
Speaker 1: with the person rather than talking at them. If you
Speaker 1: could spend more time talking with your partner then talking
Speaker 1: about your partner, your relationship will change. If you could
Speaker 1: spend more time talking to your partner then talking about
Speaker 1: your partner, your relationship will change. If you could spend
Speaker 1: more time investing in connecting with your partner, then connecting
Speaker 1: with other people talking about your partner, your relationship will change.
Speaker 1: Talk about your relationship with the person you're in a
Speaker 1: relationship with, not other people. Talk about your problems with
Speaker 1: the person you have the problem with. Not just other people.
Speaker 1: Talk about your needs with your partner, not your friends.
Speaker 1: Talk about your doubts about your relationship with your partner,
Speaker 1: not in group chats, talk about your pain with the
Speaker 1: person you have the pain with, not without sych who
Speaker 1: can't fix it. Nobody else knows your relationship like the
Speaker 1: two of you do. Nobody else lives it and fights
Speaker 1: for it like you do. Advice is easy, judgments are cheap,
Speaker 1: but real change only happens between the two people who
Speaker 1: are actually in it. When you vent to others instead
Speaker 1: of speaking to your partner, you build walls instead of bridges.
Speaker 1: When you gossip about your relationship, you invite people into
Speaker 1: problems they don't belong to. When you keep taking your
Speaker 1: issues everywhere apart from the person, you multiply the problem
Speaker 1: instead of solving it. Connection doesn't grow from side conversations.
Speaker 1: Trust doesn't grow from silence and resentment. Talk to them,
Speaker 1: not about them. Now, look, I get it. Venting can
Speaker 1: feel good in the short term. Brain imaging shows that
Speaker 1: expressing anger activates the brain's reward system, but chronically venting
Speaker 1: to friends instead of addressing issues directly creates emotional triangulation,
Speaker 1: a pattern that often worsens problems instead of solving them.
Speaker 1: There's a zen story that I love where a man
Speaker 1: went to many neighbors to complain about his leaky roof.
Speaker 1: Each of them gave advice Meanwhile, the leak worsened. Finally,
Speaker 1: one wise neighbor said, talk to you a roof. In
Speaker 1: other words, take action where it matters. It's great to
Speaker 1: get advice, it's important to have a support system, but
Speaker 1: don't forget the number one system is solving it with
Speaker 1: the person. So here's today's practical habit. If something bothered
Speaker 1: you about your relationship today, resist the urds to text
Speaker 1: some random person. Instead, set a time to talk to
Speaker 1: your partner. Share something you appreciate about them, Share where
Speaker 1: you want the relationship to go, and then share with kindness,
Speaker 1: concern and directness, how you want things to change, and
Speaker 1: most importantly, what you're willing to change that will change
Speaker 1: your relationship. I couldn't be more excited to share something
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Speaker 1: sure you use the code on purpose Lesson four, I
Speaker 1: wish I'd learned sooner. Was you understand who's someone is
Speaker 1: when they're stressed, not just when they're at their best.
Speaker 1: How many terms have you met someone and you meet
Speaker 1: them at their best day. You meet them at their party,
Speaker 1: you meet them at their event, you meet them when
Speaker 1: they just got promoted. You meet them when everything's okay
Speaker 1: and you literally think this person's amazing. I love them
Speaker 1: right now. That's not a bad thing. We all have
Speaker 1: good and bad days, and I'm not saying to judge
Speaker 1: people on their bad days instead of their best days.
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is, you don't really know who someone
Speaker 1: is until you've seen them on a bad day. You
Speaker 1: don't really know who someone is until you've seen them
Speaker 1: in a bad mood. You don't really know who someone
Speaker 1: is until someone's done something bad to them. It's in
Speaker 1: those moments that you realize who someone truly is three
Speaker 1: sixty degrees. So, rather than making just snap judgments on
Speaker 1: when you meet someone in a great at a great time,
Speaker 1: give yourself time to get to know them. Give yourself
Speaker 1: time to see them in different scenarios. It's also not
Speaker 1: just about good and bad. It's about seeing who someone
Speaker 1: is when they're with their family. It's about seeing who
Speaker 1: someone is when they're with their friends. It's about who's
Speaker 1: seeing someone is with strangers. It's about how someone treats
Speaker 1: the waiter. It's about how someone treats the dorman. It's
Speaker 1: about how someone treats the person that they meet on
Speaker 1: the street. When you've seen someone in all these scenarios,
Speaker 1: you will have a healthier, deeper, more wholesome understanding of
Speaker 1: who they truly are. Don't meet someone in one environment
Speaker 1: and give it this amplified view that you assume that
Speaker 1: they're that person in every environment. Don't meet someone in
Speaker 1: one phase or stage of their life and assume they're
Speaker 1: going to be that in every other stage. See, the
Speaker 1: mind likes to make it easier to think, oh, I
Speaker 1: know this person, I understand them. Well, here's the truth.
Speaker 1: You understand who someone is when they're stressed, not just
Speaker 1: when they're at their best. You truly understand who someone
Speaker 1: is when they're overwhelmed. You truly understand who someone is
Speaker 1: when things don't go their way. You truly understand who
Speaker 1: someone is when they hear no. You truly understand who
Speaker 1: someone is when they lose control, not when they have it.
Speaker 1: Anyone can be kind when they're comfortable. Anyone can be
Speaker 1: patient when they're winning. Anyone can be loving when everything
Speaker 1: is easy. But real character shows up when patience runs thin.
Speaker 1: Real loyalty shows up when you're not popular. Real respect
Speaker 1: shows up when there's nothing to gain. What who blames?
Speaker 1: What who lashes out? What you punishes, and what you
Speaker 1: stays Gentle pressure doesn't create cracks. It exposes where they
Speaker 1: already were. Pay attention to who someone becomes when the
Speaker 1: easy parts fall away. That's who they are as well.
Speaker 1: That's who you're dealing with. That's the truth you can't ignore.
Speaker 1: I think this is a really hard truth. And we
Speaker 1: like to think no, no, no, no, no, I know
Speaker 1: them and they're everything. Of course they're everything. But pressure
Speaker 1: shows us a person character isn't revealed when life is easy.
Speaker 1: It's tested and exposed under pressure. Research from the University
Speaker 1: of Oregon found that people's true traits emerge under stress
Speaker 1: much more consistently than in calm conditions. Think about it.
Speaker 1: Anyone can be kind when things are going well for them.
Speaker 1: One of my favorite examples of all time is from
Speaker 1: Wayne Dyer. He says, when you squeeze an orange, what
Speaker 1: do you get? You get orange juice. You don't get
Speaker 1: pineapple juice, you don't get coconut water. You get orange juice.
Speaker 1: Because when something is squeezed you get what's within it,
Speaker 1: You get what's inside. Some cracks reveal beauty, others reveal weakness. Now,
Speaker 1: the goal isn't to walk away from someone because they
Speaker 1: struggle with stress. The goal isn't to abandon someone who
Speaker 1: struggles with challenges or feels overwhelmed. My point is you
Speaker 1: just don't really know someone yet. So here's today's challenge
Speaker 1: and habit and experiment that I want you to practice.
Speaker 1: Notice how someone reacts to a small inconvenience, a traffic jam,
Speaker 1: a late order, a mistake. Are they gentle or harsh
Speaker 1: with themselves or with you? Are they patient or punishing
Speaker 1: with themselves and with you? Take note without judgment, but
Speaker 1: get clarity as to what you're getting involved in. Lesson
Speaker 1: number five that I wish i'd learn sooner is you
Speaker 1: don't get what you deserve. You get what you accept.
Speaker 1: We hear this all the time. I think I deserve more,
Speaker 1: I deserve more money, I deserve more love, I deserve
Speaker 1: more respect. And we walk around sometimes internally feeling we're
Speaker 1: not getting what we deserve. And guess what, You're right.
Speaker 1: You're not getting what you deserve, You're getting what you accept.
Speaker 1: No one's going to notice when you work harder at work.
Speaker 1: If you don't make it clear, no one's going to
Speaker 1: notice when you're putting effort into a relationship. Unless you
Speaker 1: make it clear, no one's gonna know or remember the
Speaker 1: sacrifices you've made until you stand up for yourself. Remember,
Speaker 1: you don't get what you deserve. You get what you accept.
Speaker 1: You don't get what you deserve. You get what you protect.
Speaker 1: You don't get what you deserve. You get what you
Speaker 1: settle for. You don't get what you deserve, you get
Speaker 1: what you fight for. Deserve is a feeling. Acceptance is
Speaker 1: a standard. Boundaries are protection. You can work hard and
Speaker 1: still be overlooked. You can love deeply and still be mistreated.
Speaker 1: You can give everything and still be taken for granted.
Speaker 1: If you don't stand for yourself, no one else will.
Speaker 1: If you don't protect your peace, no one else will.
Speaker 1: If you don't guard your value, it will be discounted.
Speaker 1: Respect is not given freely. It's enforced by your standards.
Speaker 1: Love isn't enough, it's shaped by what you allow. Worth
Speaker 1: isn't rewarded. It's protected every single day. You don't rise
Speaker 1: by hoping, you rise by refusing to shrink. I know
Speaker 1: it's a painful realization, but it's true. A twenty twenty
Speaker 1: one study by the American Psychological Association found that individuals
Speaker 1: who consistently tolerated small boundary violations with sixty two percent
Speaker 1: more likely to end up in emotionally exhausting relationships sixty
Speaker 1: two percent. Think about that, right, when we're accepting people
Speaker 1: breaking our boundary, people not respecting our worth, we're just
Speaker 1: taking him whatever it is, You're not going to get
Speaker 1: what you deserve. I work at home wherever it doesn't
Speaker 1: work that way. One of my favorite stories about this
Speaker 1: is a story about a farmer who accepts that a
Speaker 1: storm will come. He doesn't pray it away or deny it.
Speaker 1: He just builds stronger walls. In a similar way, accepting
Speaker 1: less than you need teaches others you will bend until
Speaker 1: you break. Here's the habit I want to set for
Speaker 1: you today. Think of one boundary you've been hesitant to enforce.
Speaker 1: It could be late replies, canceled plans, jokes at your expense. Today,
Speaker 1: calmly but clearly state your boundary once first to yourself,
Speaker 1: and then when you're comfortable with someone else. Keep allowing
Speaker 1: people to cancel plans last minute. Maybe you keep allowing
Speaker 1: people to get away with saying things about you. Now
Speaker 1: here's the thing. The reason why we fail at this
Speaker 1: is we usually attack people. We don't set a boundary.
Speaker 1: We attack people. We say, why do you treat me
Speaker 1: like this? Don't do that. That's not a boundary. A
Speaker 1: boundary is something you keep as a promise to yourself.
Speaker 1: If someone does this again, I will not invite them again.
Speaker 1: If someone talks to me that way again, I will
Speaker 1: not respond to them. A boundary doesn't mean someone else
Speaker 1: acts differently. A boundary means you act differently when that
Speaker 1: person acts the same. You can't change how someone's gonna
Speaker 1: treat you, So you have to set a boundary with
Speaker 1: yourself for how you'll respond when they treat you that way.
Speaker 1: If someone's mean to you once more, how you go
Speaker 1: to set a boundary for yourself. That's what I want
Speaker 1: you to focus on. Lesson Number six I wish i'd
Speaker 1: learned sooner is some people love the old version of
Speaker 1: you because they could control them. This is a really
Speaker 1: harsh truth. How many times have you ever had someone
Speaker 1: who's like I missed the old you. You always had time?
Speaker 1: What they're saying is you always had time for me.
Speaker 1: How many times have you had someone say to you,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I loved who you were in like
Speaker 1: twenty twenty two, like you were so much fun. What
Speaker 1: are they saying? You were so much fun for me?
Speaker 1: Someone says, oh my gosh, remember back in the day
Speaker 1: when you just come over and we just cooked together
Speaker 1: and we'd figure it out. What they're saying is that
Speaker 1: was convenient for me. Some people love the old version
Speaker 1: of you because they could control them. Some people love
Speaker 1: the old version of you because they don't want to grow.
Speaker 1: Some people love the old version of you because it
Speaker 1: made them feel bigger. Some people love the old version
Speaker 1: of you because it kept them comfortable. Some people love
Speaker 1: the old version of you because it made their lives easier,
Speaker 1: not better. They don't miss you. They missed the version
Speaker 1: of you who stayed small. They don't miss you. They
Speaker 1: missed the version of you who didn't set boundaries. They
Speaker 1: don't miss you. They missed the version of you who
Speaker 1: needed their approval. When you outgrow the old version of yourself,
Speaker 1: you outgrow the people who needed you to stay there.
Speaker 1: When you heal, you disrupt the systems that benefited from
Speaker 1: your wounds. When you rise, you reveal who was rooting
Speaker 1: for your survival, not your success. Don't shrink to fit
Speaker 1: into old spaces. Don't bend to make old relationships easier.
Speaker 1: Don't apologize for becoming someone new. If they can only
Speaker 1: love the unhealed, unsure, controlled version of you, they don't
Speaker 1: love you. They love your compliance. This is probably the
Speaker 1: hardest one to learn, because we feel bad. We wish
Speaker 1: we could still be that person, but we know we're not.
Speaker 1: We're more organized, we're more focused, we have more commitments,
Speaker 1: we have more priorities, and that person wants us to
Speaker 1: be available around just be there all the time. See
Speaker 1: science backs this up growth threatens those who benefited from
Speaker 1: your smallness. A twenty twenty two survey showed fifty eight
Speaker 1: percent of people admit they felt uncomfortable when a close
Speaker 1: friend or partner leveled up in their life. It's not
Speaker 1: always malice. It's not like they want you to fail.
Speaker 1: It's not negative. It's fear. We're scared because it reminds
Speaker 1: us of our lack of growth. And so what I'm
Speaker 1: saying to you is you don't have to shrink back
Speaker 1: into that version to compensate. Actually, what's more likely is
Speaker 1: if you keep growing, they may one day too, Not
Speaker 1: if you're trying to convince them. Not if you're trying
Speaker 1: to make them grow just by watching you fly, they
Speaker 1: may one day choose to fly as well. So here's
Speaker 1: my habit for you today. Write down one way you've
Speaker 1: changed for the better in the last twelve months. Celebrate
Speaker 1: it privately, or share it proudly without apologizing. Lesson number
Speaker 1: seven I wish i'd learned sooner is I'm just bad
Speaker 1: at texting is code for you're not a priority. I
Speaker 1: used to always want to convince people, even if they
Speaker 1: didn't message back, even if they didn't respond, I always
Speaker 1: wanted to stay connected, only to realize they didn't really
Speaker 1: want to connect with me. And while I was trying
Speaker 1: to do that, I was missing out on the group
Speaker 1: of people here who really did. I was ignored and
Speaker 1: a group of people who wanted to connect believe in me,
Speaker 1: support me for a group of people who showed no
Speaker 1: signs of it. I promise you there is more love
Speaker 1: in your life than you even recognize because you're looking
Speaker 1: in the wrong direction. I promise you there are more
Speaker 1: people who want to be friends with you than you
Speaker 1: realize because you're trying to be friends with someone else.
Speaker 1: I promise you, there are so many people who would
Speaker 1: want to spend time with you, but you're missing out
Speaker 1: on them because you're trying to chase someone else. Read
Speaker 1: the signs. You don't need to become a conspiracy theorist.
Speaker 1: Most of the time. Again, it's not malice, it's not negative.
Speaker 1: People just have different priorities. Don't make it to be
Speaker 1: like some conspiracy theory that you got left out, you
Speaker 1: got let go, you didn't get invited. You just don't click.
Speaker 1: It just doesn't work, and it's not a big deal.
Speaker 1: There are people out there who want to click with you,
Speaker 1: connect with you, Invite you. Remember that. Read in between
Speaker 1: the lines. I'm just bad at texting is code for
Speaker 1: You're not a priority. I'm confused about what I want.
Speaker 1: Is code for I'm sure I don't want you enough.
Speaker 1: I'm bad at communicating. Is code for I'm not willing
Speaker 1: to put in the effort with you. I don't know
Speaker 1: what I'm looking for. Is code for I'm keeping my
Speaker 1: options open. I'm just focusing on myself right now. Is
Speaker 1: code for I don't see a future with you. I'm
Speaker 1: not ready for anything serious is code for I'm ready,
Speaker 1: just not with you. People make time for what they
Speaker 1: care about. People make effort for who they value. People
Speaker 1: show up for who they want. Excuses are translations. Listen
Speaker 1: to what they're really saying saying, and protect your energy.
Speaker 1: Believe the patterns, not the promises. Actions are the only
Speaker 1: real language you can trust. Consistent communication is a choice,
Speaker 1: not a personality trait. Research from the Pew Research Center
Speaker 1: shows that eighteen nine percent of people aged eighteen to
Speaker 1: forty nine check their phones multiple times an hour. If
Speaker 1: someone wanted to reach out, they could. It's really important
Speaker 1: to remember that. So here's the habit. If you're chasing
Speaker 1: someone's attention, pause, notice who freely reaches out to you
Speaker 1: today without prompting, and give your energy back in that direction.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for tuning in today. I hope
Speaker 1: this episode helps you learn these lessons, clear your mind,
Speaker 1: and deepen your relationships. Remember I'm not saying anyone who
Speaker 1: treats you this way is bad, negative, or a horrible person.
Speaker 1: It's just important to get really clear and not have
Speaker 1: the conspiracy arch over our mindsets. Make sure you subscribe
Speaker 1: and make sure you don't miss out on another video
Speaker 1: or another episode with on Purpose. If you love this episode,
Speaker 1: you'll love my interview with doctor Gable Matte on understanding
Speaker 1: your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start
Speaker 1: moving on from the past. Everything in nature goes only
Speaker 1: where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't go where it's
Speaker 1: hard and thick, does it. It goes where it's soft and
Speaker 1: green and vulnerable.