1 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:04,960 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can 3 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:12,120 Speaker 1: experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city 4 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It 5 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:20,439 Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO 6 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:25,079 Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth, 7 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:29,159 Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to 8 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 1: meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences 9 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:36,040 Speaker 1: for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a 10 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 1: meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now. 11 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:43,520 Speaker 1: Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward, Slash Tour and get 12 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:47,639 Speaker 1: yours today. We're taught so many things early in our 13 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:52,000 Speaker 1: life that we never use again. Think about the subjects 14 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:55,480 Speaker 1: you learned at school. What percentage of the subjects you 15 00:00:55,560 --> 00:01:00,680 Speaker 1: studied at school do you practically use today. I'm guessing 16 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 1: that percentage is quite low. But the skills I'm about 17 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:05,880 Speaker 1: to share with you today, if we had learned them 18 00:01:05,959 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 1: that early, they would have benefited us forever. It's incredible 19 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:15,200 Speaker 1: to me that no one's sharing these insights that often 20 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:18,399 Speaker 1: we don't hear them as the best pieces of advice. 21 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 1: This isn't what we're being told. It's something that you 22 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:26,440 Speaker 1: have to read in between the lines to actually extract 23 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:30,600 Speaker 1: and implement in your life. The number one health and 24 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:38,880 Speaker 1: wellness podcast Jay Sheety, Jay Sheddy Ly j Hei Everyone, 25 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,399 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for tuning in today about the 26 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:47,080 Speaker 1: seven lessons I wish I had learned sooner. Truly, these 27 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,920 Speaker 1: are seven lessons I wish I learned in my twenties, 28 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,920 Speaker 1: even in my teens, and I think they would have 29 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,640 Speaker 1: changed my life. They would have changed the quality of 30 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 1: my relationships. They would have changed my performance at work. 31 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:03,560 Speaker 1: They would have changed how quickly I found my purpose. Now, 32 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:07,120 Speaker 1: if any of you out there are struggling with making 33 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:10,200 Speaker 1: an impact, if you're struggling with your mind, if you're 34 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:14,520 Speaker 1: struggling with anxiety or stress, this episode is for you. 35 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,440 Speaker 1: But before we dive in, I want to ask you 36 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 1: a simple, simple request. It would mean the world to 37 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:25,760 Speaker 1: me if you would subscribe to this channel every single 38 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,800 Speaker 1: week For years, I've been creating content to serve you, 39 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,640 Speaker 1: to help you, to support you, and I know that 40 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,880 Speaker 1: you're the type of person that would love to be 41 00:02:33,919 --> 00:02:37,200 Speaker 1: a part of this community. When you click subscribe, you're 42 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:41,200 Speaker 1: not just subscribing to a channel. You're actually committing to 43 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 1: a journey of growth, transformation, and service. And you're allowing 44 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,560 Speaker 1: me and my team to continue to do this work, 45 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:52,480 Speaker 1: which we can't wait to keep giving. So thank you 46 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: so much. Collect that subscribe button. So let's dive straight in. 47 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,079 Speaker 1: The reason why the lessons I'm about to share with 48 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 1: you today are so powerful and so important is that 49 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: they're often missed. We're taught so many things early in 50 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:13,520 Speaker 1: our life that we never use again. Think about the 51 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:17,359 Speaker 1: subjects you learned at school. What percentage of the subjects 52 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:22,359 Speaker 1: you studied at school do you practically use today. I'm 53 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,560 Speaker 1: guessing that percentage is quite low. But the skills I'm 54 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,720 Speaker 1: about to share with you today, if we had learned 55 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:32,880 Speaker 1: them that early, they would have benefited us forever. It's 56 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,600 Speaker 1: incredible to me that no one's sharing these insights that 57 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 1: often we don't hear them as the best pieces of advice. 58 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 1: This isn't what we're being told. It's something that you 59 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 1: have to read in between the lines to actually extract 60 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:52,280 Speaker 1: and implement in your life. I hope you have your 61 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:56,480 Speaker 1: note pad out if you don't worry We'll be summarizing 62 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,400 Speaker 1: this as we go along, and you'll be able to 63 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 1: come back any point to grab the insight that you missed. 64 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: Feel free to pause, play, rewind, fast forward as you will, 65 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 1: because I want to make sure that this message lands. 66 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:17,960 Speaker 1: The first lesson I wish i'd learn sooner is the 67 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:23,640 Speaker 1: less you say, the more your words will matter. I 68 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:26,520 Speaker 1: always used to think that the loudest person in a 69 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:30,600 Speaker 1: room had the most power, that the person who taught 70 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:35,920 Speaker 1: the most had the most control, until I realized the 71 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:40,760 Speaker 1: person who spoke the most was the least in control. 72 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 1: They were trying to come across as likable, they were 73 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:48,520 Speaker 1: trying to be popular, and in that attempt, they were 74 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:52,840 Speaker 1: actually making it harder for them to be memorable. It 75 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,080 Speaker 1: was hard to be interesting for a thirty minute conversation, 76 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,279 Speaker 1: and talk for twenty minutes of it. It was really 77 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:03,200 Speaker 1: difficult to be memorable when you said so many things 78 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: but no one remembered what you exactly said. It felt 79 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:12,160 Speaker 1: really uncomfortable to be quiet, but every time you kept 80 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,919 Speaker 1: trying to interject and say something, you felt even less 81 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 1: confident because you didn't have anything meaningful to say. This principle, 82 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,760 Speaker 1: this lesson, will change your life. The first thing it 83 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,720 Speaker 1: will do is it will stop you from being anxious 84 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:32,400 Speaker 1: in social settings. The number of us that walk into 85 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,640 Speaker 1: a social setting and try to come off as interesting 86 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 1: and important, only to leave feeling insignificant and irrelevant to 87 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:46,400 Speaker 1: the conversation. If you realize that being silent is not 88 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:51,880 Speaker 1: a weakness, being silent is a strength. Why because you 89 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:56,360 Speaker 1: can listen. It means when you respond, people will also 90 00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:00,320 Speaker 1: be able to tell that you took in what they say. See, 91 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,320 Speaker 1: most of us are struggling not because we don't listen, 92 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,800 Speaker 1: but because we're thinking about what we want to say 93 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:11,880 Speaker 1: while we're listening. Because of that, we don't even digest 94 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:15,279 Speaker 1: what someone is sharing. So when we open our mouth, 95 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:21,039 Speaker 1: that person feels disconnected and distant. So firstly, it will 96 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,520 Speaker 1: remove that anxiety and nervousness when you're at a party, 97 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:28,200 Speaker 1: a social setting, a work event, whatever it may be. 98 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:34,280 Speaker 1: The second thing is you get the opportunity to be interested, 99 00:06:34,839 --> 00:06:40,840 Speaker 1: which is even more important than being interesting. People love 100 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:45,520 Speaker 1: to share and answer great questions. When you get good 101 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:50,719 Speaker 1: at asking good questions, people feel good, they react in 102 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:54,479 Speaker 1: a good way. They appreciate it. Now most of us, 103 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,720 Speaker 1: when we ask questions, we ask things like how is 104 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:01,680 Speaker 1: your day? That person has been ask that for so 105 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,480 Speaker 1: many years in their life that they have a rehearsed, 106 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:12,640 Speaker 1: regurgitated answer something like good, fine, okay, blah. Right now, 107 00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:16,440 Speaker 1: you may be a little more bold and talk about 108 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:19,880 Speaker 1: the weather. That's boring too. That person has been asked 109 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,360 Speaker 1: about the weather for years now. You may have heard 110 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:27,480 Speaker 1: let's ask someone what's exciting for them? That can sometimes 111 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:32,160 Speaker 1: feel quite challenging for that person. Here's what I'm gonna 112 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,320 Speaker 1: share with you. If you're going to ask something, share 113 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,680 Speaker 1: your thoughts on it. First, say I've been watching this 114 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,600 Speaker 1: really cool TV show. What's your thoughts on it? Have 115 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 1: you seen it? They go no, I haven't seen it, 116 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,840 Speaker 1: and they say, tell me about it. Now, you've actually 117 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,960 Speaker 1: been asked to share. A lot of us say so 118 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:54,960 Speaker 1: much when we're not asked. Unsolicited advice and unsolicited conversation 119 00:07:55,640 --> 00:08:00,200 Speaker 1: is potentially the hardest to hold someone's attention with. When 120 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:03,680 Speaker 1: someone asks you a question and you respond, that keeps 121 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:08,480 Speaker 1: their attention. When you talk without letting someone else get involved, 122 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:14,640 Speaker 1: we actually lose their attention. The less you say, the 123 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:20,120 Speaker 1: more your words will matter. The less you complain, the 124 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:25,080 Speaker 1: more people will listen. The less you react, the more 125 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:31,080 Speaker 1: control you hold. The less you argue, the more dignity 126 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:35,920 Speaker 1: you keep, the less you chase, the more you attract, 127 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:41,120 Speaker 1: The less you speak from emotion, the more weight your 128 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:48,400 Speaker 1: words carry, the less you overcompensate, the more people understand 129 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:56,400 Speaker 1: you less, noise, more impact less, chatter, more respect less, 130 00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:04,160 Speaker 1: explaining more commanding, speak less and mean more. When you 131 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:07,280 Speaker 1: walk into a room and you just start complaining about 132 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:11,319 Speaker 1: your day, complaining about your journey, complaining about the travel, 133 00:09:11,559 --> 00:09:16,240 Speaker 1: complaining about your weekend, what does that do? It puts 134 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:21,959 Speaker 1: everyone into a negative space and negative environment. They now 135 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:27,360 Speaker 1: connect you and associate you with negative emotions. Even if 136 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,000 Speaker 1: they say I agree, I'm sorry you went through that, 137 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:33,480 Speaker 1: I'm sorry to hear it. You have now created a 138 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:39,480 Speaker 1: contagious space for negativity. Save that complaining for a friend 139 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 1: you can vent to save that complaining for someone who 140 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,960 Speaker 1: shares the same with you. When you're walking into the workplace, 141 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:53,040 Speaker 1: when you're walking into a family event, walk in and 142 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,440 Speaker 1: share something amazing that happened to you, something that you're 143 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:59,520 Speaker 1: grateful for are to someone else, what was the most 144 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:04,000 Speaker 1: memorable part of their week, something beautiful that happened to them. 145 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,640 Speaker 1: All of a sudden, you're going to kickstart a chain 146 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:11,960 Speaker 1: reaction of positive events. In today's world of endless chatter, 147 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:17,679 Speaker 1: it's easy to believe more words mean more connection, but 148 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:22,880 Speaker 1: studies showed the opposite. According to a twenty fourteen Harvard study, 149 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:29,120 Speaker 1: people remember only seventeen to twenty five percent of what 150 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:33,960 Speaker 1: they hear in conversations. Flood someone with words, and your 151 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:38,720 Speaker 1: meaning gets lost like a drop in a nocean. Wise 152 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:45,600 Speaker 1: communicators know brevity creates impact. In zen teachings, a story 153 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,360 Speaker 1: tells of a student who asked his master for the 154 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:53,720 Speaker 1: secret of wisdom. A student went up to his teacher 155 00:10:54,400 --> 00:11:00,160 Speaker 1: and asked, what is the secret of wisdom? The teacher 156 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:07,800 Speaker 1: simply replied, listen. The student asked again, what is the 157 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:16,080 Speaker 1: secret of wisdom? The teacher applied listen. Frustrated, the student 158 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:22,920 Speaker 1: demanded more explanation, to which the teacher applied, if you listened, 159 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:27,680 Speaker 1: you wouldn't need more words. This is one of my 160 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:32,160 Speaker 1: favorite stories because it shows us that, rather than thinking 161 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,559 Speaker 1: about what we're going to say, what we're thinking evaluating, 162 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:43,679 Speaker 1: if we simply listened, paused, and responded, we'd actually have 163 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:48,080 Speaker 1: something meaningful to say. The reason you don't have something 164 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:53,880 Speaker 1: meaningful to say is because you haven't listened. We don't 165 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:58,680 Speaker 1: listen because we're scared of the gap between listening and responding. 166 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 1: But actually, if you listen and you take that time, 167 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,560 Speaker 1: what you say will have more value, more impact, and 168 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,760 Speaker 1: it's more likely to be remembered. So here's a habit, 169 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,800 Speaker 1: a practical habit I want to share with you before 170 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:19,640 Speaker 1: your next conversation, Ask yourself, what is the essential message 171 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,800 Speaker 1: I want them to remember. Say it clearly in one 172 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,800 Speaker 1: or two sentences. So when you walk into a conversation, 173 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,840 Speaker 1: make it really clear to yourself what is it I 174 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,800 Speaker 1: want to communicate. What is the essence of what I 175 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,599 Speaker 1: actually want to share? What do I want to embody? 176 00:12:37,559 --> 00:12:41,440 Speaker 1: And let your silence add weight to your words. The 177 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:45,680 Speaker 1: second lesson I wish i'd learned sooner is let go 178 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:51,160 Speaker 1: or be dragged. Think about this. When you don't let 179 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:56,960 Speaker 1: go of something, it doesn't stop, It doesn't pause. If 180 00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 1: you don't let go of a person, they don't stop changing. 181 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,480 Speaker 1: If you don't let go of a person, they don't 182 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,640 Speaker 1: stop living. If you don't let go of a person, 183 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:12,319 Speaker 1: they don't stop doing whatever it is they're doing. Sometimes 184 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:16,680 Speaker 1: the only way to strengthen your own relationship with yourself 185 00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:21,960 Speaker 1: is to disconnect and let go of someone else. Think 186 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,400 Speaker 1: about all the times in your life where you were 187 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:29,320 Speaker 1: so attracted to someone you just kept pursuing them. What happened? 188 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:33,520 Speaker 1: You didn't let go, and you felt dragged along. What 189 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,960 Speaker 1: about when there was someone that you were dating and 190 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,680 Speaker 1: maybe they gave you all the signs, you saw, all 191 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:43,160 Speaker 1: the red flags that this person wasn't right for you. 192 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:46,880 Speaker 1: But what did you do. You didn't let go, and 193 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:50,760 Speaker 1: so you were dragged. And what about that friend who 194 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:56,000 Speaker 1: kept manipulating you, kept taking advantage of you, took you 195 00:13:56,120 --> 00:14:01,280 Speaker 1: for granted, and you didn't let go, so you got tragged. 196 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:08,400 Speaker 1: It's much better when we voluntarily early on let go, 197 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:13,000 Speaker 1: rather than get dragged throughout our life along with this 198 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:19,320 Speaker 1: person wherever they're going in whichever direction. Let go or 199 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:24,720 Speaker 1: be dragged, Let go or be left behind. Let go, 200 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:29,320 Speaker 1: or be broken by what you're clinging to. Let go 201 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,960 Speaker 1: or be crushed under the weight of what's gone. Let go, 202 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:39,560 Speaker 1: or lose yourself trying to hold what's already slipping away. 203 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,000 Speaker 1: Let go, or stay trapped in a life that no 204 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:49,160 Speaker 1: longer fits you. Clutching what hurts you doesn't save you. 205 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:58,000 Speaker 1: It sinks you. Clinging to what's over doesn't preserve it, It 206 00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:02,480 Speaker 1: poisons you. Holding on too long turns love into resentment, 207 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:09,000 Speaker 1: hope into suffering, memories into anchors. What you won't release 208 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:15,440 Speaker 1: will eventually release you, maybe even brutally. What you won't 209 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:20,200 Speaker 1: walk away from will drag you until you can't walk 210 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:25,680 Speaker 1: at all. You don't lose by letting go, You lose 211 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: by refusing to let go. See the thing is, attachment 212 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:36,960 Speaker 1: often feels like love, but unchecked attachment is more like 213 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:41,640 Speaker 1: a chain. There's even science to back this up. Neuroscience 214 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:48,120 Speaker 1: shows that our brains literally rewire around emotional pain. Holding 215 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:53,280 Speaker 1: onto resentment, disappointment, or hope for change can activate the 216 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 1: same brain regions as physical pain. There's another zen story 217 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:02,480 Speaker 1: that I love to. Two monks are walking on a beach. 218 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:08,280 Speaker 1: They come across a woman who's actually drowning in the ocean. 219 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:15,080 Speaker 1: One monk jumps into the ocean, swims out, picks her up, 220 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 1: and brings her back to shore. They make sure she's 221 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:23,800 Speaker 1: okay and walk on forward. A few hours later, the 222 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,480 Speaker 1: other monk asks the monk who jumped into the ocean, 223 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:33,360 Speaker 1: my brother, Where monks we're not supposed to touch women let 224 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:37,320 Speaker 1: alone carry them. How could you do that? The other 225 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:43,120 Speaker 1: monk replied, I carried her to safety. I set her 226 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:50,120 Speaker 1: down a few hours ago. Why are you still carrying her? 227 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:55,840 Speaker 1: This story beautifully illustrates the idea that the longer you 228 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:59,760 Speaker 1: carry something, the more it weighs you down, the more 229 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,320 Speaker 1: it affects you. And so many of us look at 230 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,600 Speaker 1: letting go like failure. We look at letting go like 231 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:08,639 Speaker 1: we made some mistake. We look at letting go like 232 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:12,960 Speaker 1: we're ruining something that actually letting go can be the 233 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:16,320 Speaker 1: best path forward. So here's a really practical step. I 234 00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:21,960 Speaker 1: want to take. Write down one grudge, one disappointment or 235 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:27,040 Speaker 1: fantasy your clinging to, and then ask yourself this, what 236 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:31,600 Speaker 1: would happen if I set it down today? Imagine walking 237 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:36,439 Speaker 1: lighter for just one hour, and act from that place. 238 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,240 Speaker 1: Do the thought experiment you don't even have to do 239 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:43,560 Speaker 1: in reality. Just think about it for a moment. If 240 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,520 Speaker 1: you let it down, If you started applying for new 241 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:51,120 Speaker 1: jobs today rather than complaining about your current one. If 242 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:55,040 Speaker 1: you started to find new connections and friends instead of 243 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:58,880 Speaker 1: comparing your life to your old ones. If you started 244 00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:03,720 Speaker 1: to allow yourself to let go of the expectations you 245 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:08,679 Speaker 1: have of others, who would you be? I promise you 246 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:13,399 Speaker 1: the answer is far better than you even imagine. And 247 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:17,359 Speaker 1: if you're scared to do it in practice, practice it 248 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:20,880 Speaker 1: first in your mind. The third lesson I wish I'd 249 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:26,080 Speaker 1: learned sooner was talk about your relationship with the person 250 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:32,200 Speaker 1: you're in a relationship with more than you talk to others. 251 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,280 Speaker 1: I speak to so many people now. I know you've 252 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,560 Speaker 1: done this before, and so have I. We all talk 253 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:42,440 Speaker 1: about our relationships with other people. I'm not just talking 254 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,800 Speaker 1: about romantic relationships, even our friendships. You have a friend 255 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:48,760 Speaker 1: over here, you complain about them to this friend over here. 256 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,399 Speaker 1: You have your partner over here, you compare them to 257 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,280 Speaker 1: someone else's partner over there. You have an issue with 258 00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:57,800 Speaker 1: someone over here, you talk about the issue with someone 259 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,000 Speaker 1: else who's not connected to the issue. No, I'm not 260 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,359 Speaker 1: saying don't have friends. I'm not saying don't talk to 261 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,800 Speaker 1: your family. It's great to get advice from a therapist 262 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,280 Speaker 1: or a coach, or even people in your life. It's 263 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:14,439 Speaker 1: about the proportion. Eighty percent of our life should be 264 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:19,040 Speaker 1: talking to that person, and twenty percent is talking to others. 265 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:22,560 Speaker 1: To get wise counseled, to get advice, to get insights. 266 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:26,919 Speaker 1: It's a really healthy thing. The problem is our proportions 267 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,399 Speaker 1: are the opposite. We may spend twenty percent speaking to 268 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,000 Speaker 1: the person we have a relationship with, and that twenty 269 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:37,680 Speaker 1: percent might be filled with arguments, conflict, tension, and then 270 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,120 Speaker 1: we go and talk about it with someone else who 271 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:45,080 Speaker 1: doesn't have the power to solve it. This will change 272 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:49,440 Speaker 1: your life if you started to spend more time talking 273 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,879 Speaker 1: with the person rather than talking at them. If you 274 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:58,439 Speaker 1: could spend more time talking with your partner then talking 275 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:03,320 Speaker 1: about your partner, your relationship will change. If you could 276 00:20:03,359 --> 00:20:07,960 Speaker 1: spend more time talking to your partner then talking about 277 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:13,399 Speaker 1: your partner, your relationship will change. If you could spend 278 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:19,240 Speaker 1: more time investing in connecting with your partner, then connecting 279 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:25,600 Speaker 1: with other people talking about your partner, your relationship will change. 280 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:29,560 Speaker 1: Talk about your relationship with the person you're in a 281 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:35,600 Speaker 1: relationship with, not other people. Talk about your problems with 282 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:40,000 Speaker 1: the person you have the problem with. Not just other people. 283 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:45,720 Speaker 1: Talk about your needs with your partner, not your friends. 284 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:51,400 Speaker 1: Talk about your doubts about your relationship with your partner, 285 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:56,679 Speaker 1: not in group chats, talk about your pain with the 286 00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:01,160 Speaker 1: person you have the pain with, not without sych who 287 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:06,080 Speaker 1: can't fix it. Nobody else knows your relationship like the 288 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:10,360 Speaker 1: two of you do. Nobody else lives it and fights 289 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:15,639 Speaker 1: for it like you do. Advice is easy, judgments are cheap, 290 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:20,920 Speaker 1: but real change only happens between the two people who 291 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:25,000 Speaker 1: are actually in it. When you vent to others instead 292 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:29,360 Speaker 1: of speaking to your partner, you build walls instead of bridges. 293 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:35,040 Speaker 1: When you gossip about your relationship, you invite people into 294 00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:39,040 Speaker 1: problems they don't belong to. When you keep taking your 295 00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:45,000 Speaker 1: issues everywhere apart from the person, you multiply the problem 296 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:51,080 Speaker 1: instead of solving it. Connection doesn't grow from side conversations. 297 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:57,920 Speaker 1: Trust doesn't grow from silence and resentment. Talk to them, 298 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:02,680 Speaker 1: not about them. Now, look, I get it. Venting can 299 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,600 Speaker 1: feel good in the short term. Brain imaging shows that 300 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 1: expressing anger activates the brain's reward system, but chronically venting 301 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:18,640 Speaker 1: to friends instead of addressing issues directly creates emotional triangulation, 302 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:24,040 Speaker 1: a pattern that often worsens problems instead of solving them. 303 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,720 Speaker 1: There's a zen story that I love where a man 304 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:30,960 Speaker 1: went to many neighbors to complain about his leaky roof. 305 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:37,840 Speaker 1: Each of them gave advice Meanwhile, the leak worsened. Finally, 306 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:43,040 Speaker 1: one wise neighbor said, talk to you a roof. In 307 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:47,439 Speaker 1: other words, take action where it matters. It's great to 308 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:51,240 Speaker 1: get advice, it's important to have a support system, but 309 00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:55,560 Speaker 1: don't forget the number one system is solving it with 310 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:59,960 Speaker 1: the person. So here's today's practical habit. If something bothered 311 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:03,600 Speaker 1: you about your relationship today, resist the urds to text 312 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:07,800 Speaker 1: some random person. Instead, set a time to talk to 313 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:12,240 Speaker 1: your partner. Share something you appreciate about them, Share where 314 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:16,440 Speaker 1: you want the relationship to go, and then share with kindness, 315 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:22,320 Speaker 1: concern and directness, how you want things to change, and 316 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:27,120 Speaker 1: most importantly, what you're willing to change that will change 317 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:30,600 Speaker 1: your relationship. I couldn't be more excited to share something 318 00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:33,520 Speaker 1: truly special with all you tea lovers out there. And 319 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:37,280 Speaker 1: even if you don't love tea, if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, 320 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:40,640 Speaker 1: refueling sodas that are good for you, listen to this 321 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:45,359 Speaker 1: RATHERI and I poured our hearts into creating June Sparkling 322 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:49,160 Speaker 1: Tea with adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing 323 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:53,000 Speaker 1: your body, and with every sip you'll experience calmness of mind, 324 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:57,000 Speaker 1: a refreshing vitality and a burst of brightness to your day. 325 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:01,200 Speaker 1: Junior is infused with adaptogens that there are amazing natural 326 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:05,360 Speaker 1: substances that act like superheroes for your body to help 327 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,440 Speaker 1: you adapt to stress and find balance in your busy life. 328 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:13,560 Speaker 1: Our super five blend of these powerful ingredients include green tea, ushwaganda, 329 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:17,840 Speaker 1: acirolla cherry, and Lion's Made mushroom and these may help 330 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:21,560 Speaker 1: boost your metabolism, give you a natural kick of caffeine, 331 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:26,080 Speaker 1: combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants and stimulate brain 332 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:30,960 Speaker 1: function even better. Juni has zero sugar and only five 333 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:34,840 Speaker 1: calories per can. We believe in nurturing and energizing your 334 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,720 Speaker 1: body while enjoying a truly delicious and refreshing drink. So 335 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:43,760 Speaker 1: visit Drinkjuni dot com today to elevate your wellness journey 336 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,520 Speaker 1: and use code on Purpose to receive fifteen percent off 337 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:52,840 Speaker 1: your first order. That's drink Juni dot com and make 338 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:56,359 Speaker 1: sure you use the code on purpose Lesson four, I 339 00:24:56,400 --> 00:25:00,679 Speaker 1: wish I'd learned sooner. Was you understand who's someone is 340 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:04,440 Speaker 1: when they're stressed, not just when they're at their best. 341 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,080 Speaker 1: How many terms have you met someone and you meet 342 00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:10,880 Speaker 1: them at their best day. You meet them at their party, 343 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,760 Speaker 1: you meet them at their event, you meet them when 344 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:15,960 Speaker 1: they just got promoted. You meet them when everything's okay 345 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,280 Speaker 1: and you literally think this person's amazing. I love them 346 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,399 Speaker 1: right now. That's not a bad thing. We all have 347 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,560 Speaker 1: good and bad days, and I'm not saying to judge 348 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:29,040 Speaker 1: people on their bad days instead of their best days. 349 00:25:29,359 --> 00:25:32,639 Speaker 1: What I'm saying is, you don't really know who someone 350 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:36,639 Speaker 1: is until you've seen them on a bad day. You 351 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,800 Speaker 1: don't really know who someone is until you've seen them 352 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,439 Speaker 1: in a bad mood. You don't really know who someone 353 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:48,040 Speaker 1: is until someone's done something bad to them. It's in 354 00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:53,480 Speaker 1: those moments that you realize who someone truly is three 355 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:58,280 Speaker 1: sixty degrees. So, rather than making just snap judgments on 356 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:01,240 Speaker 1: when you meet someone in a great at a great time, 357 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:06,240 Speaker 1: give yourself time to get to know them. Give yourself 358 00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,760 Speaker 1: time to see them in different scenarios. It's also not 359 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,320 Speaker 1: just about good and bad. It's about seeing who someone 360 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,920 Speaker 1: is when they're with their family. It's about seeing who 361 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,440 Speaker 1: someone is when they're with their friends. It's about who's 362 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,800 Speaker 1: seeing someone is with strangers. It's about how someone treats 363 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:26,600 Speaker 1: the waiter. It's about how someone treats the dorman. It's 364 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:29,879 Speaker 1: about how someone treats the person that they meet on 365 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:34,680 Speaker 1: the street. When you've seen someone in all these scenarios, 366 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:40,280 Speaker 1: you will have a healthier, deeper, more wholesome understanding of 367 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:44,159 Speaker 1: who they truly are. Don't meet someone in one environment 368 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:48,000 Speaker 1: and give it this amplified view that you assume that 369 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,600 Speaker 1: they're that person in every environment. Don't meet someone in 370 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,560 Speaker 1: one phase or stage of their life and assume they're 371 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:57,760 Speaker 1: going to be that in every other stage. See, the 372 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,840 Speaker 1: mind likes to make it easier to think, oh, I 373 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:04,560 Speaker 1: know this person, I understand them. Well, here's the truth. 374 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:10,040 Speaker 1: You understand who someone is when they're stressed, not just 375 00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:14,159 Speaker 1: when they're at their best. You truly understand who someone 376 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:20,000 Speaker 1: is when they're overwhelmed. You truly understand who someone is 377 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,960 Speaker 1: when things don't go their way. You truly understand who 378 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:30,640 Speaker 1: someone is when they hear no. You truly understand who 379 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:35,080 Speaker 1: someone is when they lose control, not when they have it. 380 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:40,240 Speaker 1: Anyone can be kind when they're comfortable. Anyone can be 381 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:44,959 Speaker 1: patient when they're winning. Anyone can be loving when everything 382 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:50,840 Speaker 1: is easy. But real character shows up when patience runs thin. 383 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:57,679 Speaker 1: Real loyalty shows up when you're not popular. Real respect 384 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:02,240 Speaker 1: shows up when there's nothing to gain. What who blames? 385 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:07,359 Speaker 1: What who lashes out? What you punishes, and what you 386 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:13,760 Speaker 1: stays Gentle pressure doesn't create cracks. It exposes where they 387 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:18,439 Speaker 1: already were. Pay attention to who someone becomes when the 388 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:23,679 Speaker 1: easy parts fall away. That's who they are as well. 389 00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:29,800 Speaker 1: That's who you're dealing with. That's the truth you can't ignore. 390 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:33,560 Speaker 1: I think this is a really hard truth. And we 391 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:35,800 Speaker 1: like to think no, no, no, no, no, I know 392 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:40,040 Speaker 1: them and they're everything. Of course they're everything. But pressure 393 00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:46,360 Speaker 1: shows us a person character isn't revealed when life is easy. 394 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:52,960 Speaker 1: It's tested and exposed under pressure. Research from the University 395 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:58,280 Speaker 1: of Oregon found that people's true traits emerge under stress 396 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:03,800 Speaker 1: much more consistently than in calm conditions. Think about it. 397 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,080 Speaker 1: Anyone can be kind when things are going well for them. 398 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,200 Speaker 1: One of my favorite examples of all time is from 399 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:13,520 Speaker 1: Wayne Dyer. He says, when you squeeze an orange, what 400 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:16,720 Speaker 1: do you get? You get orange juice. You don't get 401 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:20,960 Speaker 1: pineapple juice, you don't get coconut water. You get orange juice. 402 00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:25,080 Speaker 1: Because when something is squeezed you get what's within it, 403 00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:33,520 Speaker 1: You get what's inside. Some cracks reveal beauty, others reveal weakness. Now, 404 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:36,320 Speaker 1: the goal isn't to walk away from someone because they 405 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:40,160 Speaker 1: struggle with stress. The goal isn't to abandon someone who 406 00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:45,120 Speaker 1: struggles with challenges or feels overwhelmed. My point is you 407 00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:49,600 Speaker 1: just don't really know someone yet. So here's today's challenge 408 00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:53,520 Speaker 1: and habit and experiment that I want you to practice. 409 00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:58,960 Speaker 1: Notice how someone reacts to a small inconvenience, a traffic jam, 410 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:03,520 Speaker 1: a late order, a mistake. Are they gentle or harsh 411 00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:08,320 Speaker 1: with themselves or with you? Are they patient or punishing 412 00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:13,760 Speaker 1: with themselves and with you? Take note without judgment, but 413 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:17,760 Speaker 1: get clarity as to what you're getting involved in. Lesson 414 00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:22,360 Speaker 1: number five that I wish i'd learn sooner is you 415 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:26,560 Speaker 1: don't get what you deserve. You get what you accept. 416 00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:30,480 Speaker 1: We hear this all the time. I think I deserve more, 417 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:34,160 Speaker 1: I deserve more money, I deserve more love, I deserve 418 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:39,400 Speaker 1: more respect. And we walk around sometimes internally feeling we're 419 00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:42,440 Speaker 1: not getting what we deserve. And guess what, You're right. 420 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:47,080 Speaker 1: You're not getting what you deserve, You're getting what you accept. 421 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:50,520 Speaker 1: No one's going to notice when you work harder at work. 422 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:54,240 Speaker 1: If you don't make it clear, no one's going to 423 00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:58,640 Speaker 1: notice when you're putting effort into a relationship. Unless you 424 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:03,040 Speaker 1: make it clear, no one's gonna know or remember the 425 00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:08,920 Speaker 1: sacrifices you've made until you stand up for yourself. Remember, 426 00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:14,680 Speaker 1: you don't get what you deserve. You get what you accept. 427 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:20,360 Speaker 1: You don't get what you deserve. You get what you protect. 428 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:24,600 Speaker 1: You don't get what you deserve. You get what you 429 00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:29,240 Speaker 1: settle for. You don't get what you deserve, you get 430 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:35,360 Speaker 1: what you fight for. Deserve is a feeling. Acceptance is 431 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:41,840 Speaker 1: a standard. Boundaries are protection. You can work hard and 432 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:47,200 Speaker 1: still be overlooked. You can love deeply and still be mistreated. 433 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:52,280 Speaker 1: You can give everything and still be taken for granted. 434 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:57,400 Speaker 1: If you don't stand for yourself, no one else will. 435 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:01,560 Speaker 1: If you don't protect your peace, no one else will. 436 00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:06,000 Speaker 1: If you don't guard your value, it will be discounted. 437 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:11,800 Speaker 1: Respect is not given freely. It's enforced by your standards. 438 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:18,320 Speaker 1: Love isn't enough, it's shaped by what you allow. Worth 439 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:24,920 Speaker 1: isn't rewarded. It's protected every single day. You don't rise 440 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:31,200 Speaker 1: by hoping, you rise by refusing to shrink. I know 441 00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:35,320 Speaker 1: it's a painful realization, but it's true. A twenty twenty 442 00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:40,440 Speaker 1: one study by the American Psychological Association found that individuals 443 00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:47,080 Speaker 1: who consistently tolerated small boundary violations with sixty two percent 444 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:53,720 Speaker 1: more likely to end up in emotionally exhausting relationships sixty 445 00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:58,800 Speaker 1: two percent. Think about that, right, when we're accepting people 446 00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:03,840 Speaker 1: breaking our boundary, people not respecting our worth, we're just 447 00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:06,880 Speaker 1: taking him whatever it is, You're not going to get 448 00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:10,600 Speaker 1: what you deserve. I work at home wherever it doesn't 449 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,480 Speaker 1: work that way. One of my favorite stories about this 450 00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:17,360 Speaker 1: is a story about a farmer who accepts that a 451 00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:21,640 Speaker 1: storm will come. He doesn't pray it away or deny it. 452 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:28,320 Speaker 1: He just builds stronger walls. In a similar way, accepting 453 00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:33,520 Speaker 1: less than you need teaches others you will bend until 454 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:36,360 Speaker 1: you break. Here's the habit I want to set for 455 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:41,720 Speaker 1: you today. Think of one boundary you've been hesitant to enforce. 456 00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:48,960 Speaker 1: It could be late replies, canceled plans, jokes at your expense. Today, 457 00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:55,720 Speaker 1: calmly but clearly state your boundary once first to yourself, 458 00:33:56,480 --> 00:34:00,680 Speaker 1: and then when you're comfortable with someone else. Keep allowing 459 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:04,120 Speaker 1: people to cancel plans last minute. Maybe you keep allowing 460 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:08,439 Speaker 1: people to get away with saying things about you. Now 461 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:10,680 Speaker 1: here's the thing. The reason why we fail at this 462 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:14,480 Speaker 1: is we usually attack people. We don't set a boundary. 463 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:16,680 Speaker 1: We attack people. We say, why do you treat me 464 00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:20,400 Speaker 1: like this? Don't do that. That's not a boundary. A 465 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:23,480 Speaker 1: boundary is something you keep as a promise to yourself. 466 00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:28,440 Speaker 1: If someone does this again, I will not invite them again. 467 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:33,320 Speaker 1: If someone talks to me that way again, I will 468 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:38,160 Speaker 1: not respond to them. A boundary doesn't mean someone else 469 00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:43,839 Speaker 1: acts differently. A boundary means you act differently when that 470 00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:48,279 Speaker 1: person acts the same. You can't change how someone's gonna 471 00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:50,960 Speaker 1: treat you, So you have to set a boundary with 472 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:55,160 Speaker 1: yourself for how you'll respond when they treat you that way. 473 00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:59,880 Speaker 1: If someone's mean to you once more, how you go 474 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,920 Speaker 1: to set a boundary for yourself. That's what I want 475 00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:06,359 Speaker 1: you to focus on. Lesson Number six I wish i'd 476 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:10,759 Speaker 1: learned sooner is some people love the old version of 477 00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:14,439 Speaker 1: you because they could control them. This is a really 478 00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:16,799 Speaker 1: harsh truth. How many times have you ever had someone 479 00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:20,440 Speaker 1: who's like I missed the old you. You always had time? 480 00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:23,120 Speaker 1: What they're saying is you always had time for me. 481 00:35:24,160 --> 00:35:25,480 Speaker 1: How many times have you had someone say to you, 482 00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:28,160 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I loved who you were in like 483 00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:32,279 Speaker 1: twenty twenty two, like you were so much fun. What 484 00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:35,400 Speaker 1: are they saying? You were so much fun for me? 485 00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:38,759 Speaker 1: Someone says, oh my gosh, remember back in the day 486 00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:41,600 Speaker 1: when you just come over and we just cooked together 487 00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:45,080 Speaker 1: and we'd figure it out. What they're saying is that 488 00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:49,040 Speaker 1: was convenient for me. Some people love the old version 489 00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:52,640 Speaker 1: of you because they could control them. Some people love 490 00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:55,880 Speaker 1: the old version of you because they don't want to grow. 491 00:35:56,640 --> 00:35:59,680 Speaker 1: Some people love the old version of you because it 492 00:35:59,719 --> 00:36:03,680 Speaker 1: made them feel bigger. Some people love the old version 493 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:08,680 Speaker 1: of you because it kept them comfortable. Some people love 494 00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:12,720 Speaker 1: the old version of you because it made their lives easier, 495 00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:17,520 Speaker 1: not better. They don't miss you. They missed the version 496 00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:21,920 Speaker 1: of you who stayed small. They don't miss you. They 497 00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:25,960 Speaker 1: missed the version of you who didn't set boundaries. They 498 00:36:26,000 --> 00:36:29,399 Speaker 1: don't miss you. They missed the version of you who 499 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:34,960 Speaker 1: needed their approval. When you outgrow the old version of yourself, 500 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:39,759 Speaker 1: you outgrow the people who needed you to stay there. 501 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:46,000 Speaker 1: When you heal, you disrupt the systems that benefited from 502 00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:51,120 Speaker 1: your wounds. When you rise, you reveal who was rooting 503 00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:57,000 Speaker 1: for your survival, not your success. Don't shrink to fit 504 00:36:57,040 --> 00:37:01,680 Speaker 1: into old spaces. Don't bend to make old relationships easier. 505 00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:07,640 Speaker 1: Don't apologize for becoming someone new. If they can only 506 00:37:07,719 --> 00:37:12,879 Speaker 1: love the unhealed, unsure, controlled version of you, they don't 507 00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:17,160 Speaker 1: love you. They love your compliance. This is probably the 508 00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:21,640 Speaker 1: hardest one to learn, because we feel bad. We wish 509 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:23,360 Speaker 1: we could still be that person, but we know we're not. 510 00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:26,880 Speaker 1: We're more organized, we're more focused, we have more commitments, 511 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:29,680 Speaker 1: we have more priorities, and that person wants us to 512 00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:34,800 Speaker 1: be available around just be there all the time. See 513 00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:39,520 Speaker 1: science backs this up growth threatens those who benefited from 514 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:43,879 Speaker 1: your smallness. A twenty twenty two survey showed fifty eight 515 00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:48,080 Speaker 1: percent of people admit they felt uncomfortable when a close 516 00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:52,080 Speaker 1: friend or partner leveled up in their life. It's not 517 00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:54,760 Speaker 1: always malice. It's not like they want you to fail. 518 00:37:55,080 --> 00:38:00,000 Speaker 1: It's not negative. It's fear. We're scared because it reminds 519 00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:02,640 Speaker 1: us of our lack of growth. And so what I'm 520 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,000 Speaker 1: saying to you is you don't have to shrink back 521 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:09,279 Speaker 1: into that version to compensate. Actually, what's more likely is 522 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:13,160 Speaker 1: if you keep growing, they may one day too, Not 523 00:38:13,239 --> 00:38:15,000 Speaker 1: if you're trying to convince them. Not if you're trying 524 00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:18,879 Speaker 1: to make them grow just by watching you fly, they 525 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:21,440 Speaker 1: may one day choose to fly as well. So here's 526 00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:24,719 Speaker 1: my habit for you today. Write down one way you've 527 00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:29,520 Speaker 1: changed for the better in the last twelve months. Celebrate 528 00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:34,960 Speaker 1: it privately, or share it proudly without apologizing. Lesson number 529 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:39,360 Speaker 1: seven I wish i'd learned sooner is I'm just bad 530 00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:44,560 Speaker 1: at texting is code for you're not a priority. I 531 00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:46,640 Speaker 1: used to always want to convince people, even if they 532 00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:49,920 Speaker 1: didn't message back, even if they didn't respond, I always 533 00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:52,719 Speaker 1: wanted to stay connected, only to realize they didn't really 534 00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:55,040 Speaker 1: want to connect with me. And while I was trying 535 00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:56,640 Speaker 1: to do that, I was missing out on the group 536 00:38:56,680 --> 00:39:00,040 Speaker 1: of people here who really did. I was ignored and 537 00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,759 Speaker 1: a group of people who wanted to connect believe in me, 538 00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:06,200 Speaker 1: support me for a group of people who showed no 539 00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:09,200 Speaker 1: signs of it. I promise you there is more love 540 00:39:09,239 --> 00:39:12,560 Speaker 1: in your life than you even recognize because you're looking 541 00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:15,520 Speaker 1: in the wrong direction. I promise you there are more 542 00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:17,560 Speaker 1: people who want to be friends with you than you 543 00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:20,960 Speaker 1: realize because you're trying to be friends with someone else. 544 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:24,319 Speaker 1: I promise you, there are so many people who would 545 00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:27,719 Speaker 1: want to spend time with you, but you're missing out 546 00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:31,480 Speaker 1: on them because you're trying to chase someone else. Read 547 00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:36,800 Speaker 1: the signs. You don't need to become a conspiracy theorist. 548 00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:40,600 Speaker 1: Most of the time. Again, it's not malice, it's not negative. 549 00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:44,160 Speaker 1: People just have different priorities. Don't make it to be 550 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:47,759 Speaker 1: like some conspiracy theory that you got left out, you 551 00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:51,520 Speaker 1: got let go, you didn't get invited. You just don't click. 552 00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,440 Speaker 1: It just doesn't work, and it's not a big deal. 553 00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:57,080 Speaker 1: There are people out there who want to click with you, 554 00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:02,040 Speaker 1: connect with you, Invite you. Remember that. Read in between 555 00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:06,680 Speaker 1: the lines. I'm just bad at texting is code for 556 00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:10,640 Speaker 1: You're not a priority. I'm confused about what I want. 557 00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:14,320 Speaker 1: Is code for I'm sure I don't want you enough. 558 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:19,800 Speaker 1: I'm bad at communicating. Is code for I'm not willing 559 00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:22,920 Speaker 1: to put in the effort with you. I don't know 560 00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:26,520 Speaker 1: what I'm looking for. Is code for I'm keeping my 561 00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:31,640 Speaker 1: options open. I'm just focusing on myself right now. Is 562 00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:35,680 Speaker 1: code for I don't see a future with you. I'm 563 00:40:35,719 --> 00:40:40,919 Speaker 1: not ready for anything serious is code for I'm ready, 564 00:40:41,239 --> 00:40:45,399 Speaker 1: just not with you. People make time for what they 565 00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:51,280 Speaker 1: care about. People make effort for who they value. People 566 00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:58,600 Speaker 1: show up for who they want. Excuses are translations. Listen 567 00:40:58,719 --> 00:41:02,480 Speaker 1: to what they're really saying saying, and protect your energy. 568 00:41:03,440 --> 00:41:09,320 Speaker 1: Believe the patterns, not the promises. Actions are the only 569 00:41:09,480 --> 00:41:14,320 Speaker 1: real language you can trust. Consistent communication is a choice, 570 00:41:14,560 --> 00:41:18,320 Speaker 1: not a personality trait. Research from the Pew Research Center 571 00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:21,839 Speaker 1: shows that eighteen nine percent of people aged eighteen to 572 00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:25,960 Speaker 1: forty nine check their phones multiple times an hour. If 573 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:29,640 Speaker 1: someone wanted to reach out, they could. It's really important 574 00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:33,320 Speaker 1: to remember that. So here's the habit. If you're chasing 575 00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:38,520 Speaker 1: someone's attention, pause, notice who freely reaches out to you 576 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:43,720 Speaker 1: today without prompting, and give your energy back in that direction. 577 00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:47,200 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for tuning in today. I hope 578 00:41:47,239 --> 00:41:51,919 Speaker 1: this episode helps you learn these lessons, clear your mind, 579 00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:55,400 Speaker 1: and deepen your relationships. Remember I'm not saying anyone who 580 00:41:55,480 --> 00:42:00,000 Speaker 1: treats you this way is bad, negative, or a horrible person. 581 00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:03,640 Speaker 1: It's just important to get really clear and not have 582 00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:08,400 Speaker 1: the conspiracy arch over our mindsets. Make sure you subscribe 583 00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:11,000 Speaker 1: and make sure you don't miss out on another video 584 00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:15,400 Speaker 1: or another episode with on Purpose. If you love this episode, 585 00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:19,759 Speaker 1: you'll love my interview with doctor Gable Matte on understanding 586 00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:23,680 Speaker 1: your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start 587 00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:26,719 Speaker 1: moving on from the past. Everything in nature goes only 588 00:42:26,719 --> 00:42:29,560 Speaker 1: where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't go where it's 589 00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:31,799 Speaker 1: hard and thick, does it. It goes where it's soft and 590 00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:32,960 Speaker 1: green and vulnerable.