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Speaker 1: I want to talk to you guys about stains because

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Speaker 1: I think they're super important. And I've decided that dealing

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Speaker 1: with a stain is often approached in the same way

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Speaker 1: as a teenager, or when you were younger, or when

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Speaker 1: you were in your thirties, even like twenties, thirties, even forty.

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Speaker 1: I think I stopped at my thirties picking your face.

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Speaker 1: Let me explain. Okay, any of you who never had

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Speaker 1: a pimple, get the fuck out of here and were

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Speaker 1: not interested. But if you have had a stain on

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Speaker 1: your couch or rug, stay so everybody could stay.

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Speaker 2: Everybody could stay because if you've.

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Speaker 1: Had a stay in on your rug or a couch

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Speaker 1: or something end, or had a pimple, this is going

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Speaker 1: to work. Okay, So I never had bad skin, but

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Speaker 1: if I had a pimple, I used to need to

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Speaker 1: get it out. I used to need to get it out.

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Speaker 1: My skin was always dry. I think that when people

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Speaker 1: are in our twenties, our twenties. I'm in twenties now

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Speaker 1: I'm seventy. I'm not seventy. When people are in their twenties,

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Speaker 1: they pick their face, but more importantly, they dry their

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Speaker 1: face out.

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Speaker 2: They use that sea breeze. My daughter does it.

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Speaker 1: The pimple patches, like all the kids want to clear

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Speaker 1: it as much as they can, get it out and

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Speaker 1: overdo it. Put like, they just want it gone immediately.

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Speaker 1: And that's what happens with pimples. And the problem is

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Speaker 1: your skin gets trapped. Your skin is an organ. It

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Speaker 1: needs to breathe. So if you trap your skin by

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Speaker 1: completely drying up the pores, where's everything going to go.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna stay stuck underneath. So it's very counterintuitive and

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Speaker 1: hard for people to believe because in the moment when

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Speaker 1: you have a pimple, you want it the fuck gone.

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Speaker 1: You want a pimple patch, You want to lance it,

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Speaker 1: you want something. You want to use your fingers in

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Speaker 1: between two tishes, get it out. You want to go

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Speaker 1: to a dermatologist, have them zap it, get a facial,

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Speaker 1: have them dig it out. It's just get it out.

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Speaker 1: You just want it flat. Okay, That's what it's like

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Speaker 1: with a stain. You see the stain. You have a

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Speaker 1: new carpet, you have a new couch, you have a top,

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Speaker 1: you have something. You want it the fuck out. Club

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Speaker 1: soda no club soda and baking soda no club soda,

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Speaker 1: bacon soda, vinegar, club soda, hansa. You just want it out,

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Speaker 1: shout oxy all the shit. Okay, it's like the oxy.

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Speaker 1: I think oxy clean is like as dangerous as oxy

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Speaker 1: oxy oxy cotone.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

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Speaker 1: So basically what happens is you get obsessed. You want

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Speaker 1: it gone, you want it out, you want to know

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Speaker 1: it's not going to be a problem. So how does

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Speaker 1: this manifest itself in a stain? What happens is I

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Speaker 1: see the stain, the dogs have peed. Now I'm worried

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Speaker 1: about the smell and the look and the ruination of

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Speaker 1: the garment. I've taken myself down to the sticks where

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Speaker 1: I only have outdoor rugs as indoor, and I also

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Speaker 1: have backup rugs. If there's another indoor rug that for

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Speaker 1: some reason is still here, it's still alive because I'm

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Speaker 1: going to ride it until they murder it and then

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Speaker 1: toss it.

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Speaker 2: But I have backup rugs.

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Speaker 1: So I'm trying to get through all my rugs now

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Speaker 1: because I'm living in my outdoor rug life. Okay, it's

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Speaker 1: another conversation for another time. But outdoor rugs can look

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Speaker 1: like indoor rugs, and I am done with my luxury

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Speaker 1: rug lifestyle.

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Speaker 2: I don't like the.

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Speaker 1: Idea of a ruggable. Why because it's still pick up

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Speaker 1: the furniture. Sure, take it off the bottom thing, go

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Speaker 1: wash it. Now you have a pad underneath. I just don't

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Speaker 1: know if that's for me. I haven't done it. But

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Speaker 1: then it's still moving furniture. The outdoor rug means it

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Speaker 1: didn't count right. Ironically, I don't think my fucking dogs

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Speaker 1: have ever gone in the outdoor rug. Only furry curtainy corners.

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Speaker 1: I have no curtains anymore. They touch the ground, furry corners.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes it can be a bed skirt, like something in

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Speaker 1: the corner, like the comforter. Just there can be nothing

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Speaker 1: in the corner of anything outside outdoor furniture. There's a

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Speaker 1: wild wild outside, it's grass, there's stone everything.

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Speaker 2: Where do we want to go?

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Speaker 1: Let's pee on the furniture covers on the corner of

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Speaker 1: the outdoor furniture. Fuck off, don't judge me. I've had

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Speaker 1: I've spent tens of thousands of dollars on trainers. I

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Speaker 1: just keep they're unfucking trainable dogs. They just have to

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Speaker 1: have gates and be like they get used to a

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Speaker 1: certain house and they're finding it, but there'll always be

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Speaker 1: some version of a surprise piece sometimes. So when there's

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Speaker 1: a stain, it goes through a process, get the chamois,

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Speaker 1: try to blot it out with water, and soap doesn't

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Speaker 1: come out.

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Speaker 2: What can we add.

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Speaker 1: Let's sa add baking so, let's add vinegar, Let's look

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Speaker 1: it up online. Let's add lavender oil. So the next

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Speaker 1: time they won't to do it. Let's do fucking nature's miracle.

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Speaker 1: There's nothing that's a miracle about Nature's miracle. It has

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Speaker 1: no miracle in it. Whatsoever. Shout does not shout it out,

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Speaker 1: oxy it the whole thing. Then you get a fucking stain.

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Speaker 1: Then you wait two days. Now you have a dryer

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Speaker 1: next to it. You want to know that it's gone.

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Speaker 1: Now it's gone. The middle stain is gone. There's a

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Speaker 1: bigger stain. It's called the big ring. There's a big

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Speaker 1: ring around the state. Okay, every time the carpet guys say, don't,

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Speaker 1: I'll fucking come there, I'll clean it for you. They come,

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Speaker 1: They steam it, they get what they can. Some rugs

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Speaker 1: they can't clean off of, some substances they can't clean.

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Speaker 2: Fucking nightmare. And then they tell you what's wrong with

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Speaker 2: all the.

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Speaker 1: All the surfaces, you've bought, all the wrong rugs you've

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Speaker 1: bought the fuck they fucking judge you. It's more expensive

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Speaker 1: to have them come over than to buy a new rug.

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Speaker 1: But what does that mean? To lift my furniture now,

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Speaker 1: and I have to pay them. I'll pay them two

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Speaker 1: hundred fifty dollars to come over to clean it, two

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Speaker 1: hundred and twenty dollars rug. Why I don't want to

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Speaker 1: pull up the furniture, I just want it fucking gone.

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Speaker 1: Then I justify it by saying, the guys are coming,

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Speaker 1: Let them do the dining chairs, let them do the couch,

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Speaker 1: let them do some old peace stain from some other

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Speaker 1: place that never fully I got out. The pea will

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Speaker 1: still smell, the dogs will come back to that spot.

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Speaker 1: None of these things work. Enter the steamer. I buy

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Speaker 1: the steamer online. Bissel has a good one. One side

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Speaker 1: is for the spraying, one side is for the sucking. Okay,

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Speaker 1: we should use this for oral sex at this point.

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Speaker 1: So one side is for the spraying, one side is

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Speaker 1: for the sucking. I like it for the sucking because

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Speaker 1: technically you could spray with anything. You don't need their

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Speaker 1: device to spray. So frankly, you're using it for the sucking.

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Speaker 1: Okay again back to oral sex. So you're using it

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Speaker 1: so you want the one with the best sucker. New

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Speaker 1: mistake I did years ago.

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Speaker 2: I went online.

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Speaker 1: I thought it was a hot step where I spent

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Speaker 1: five hundred dollars on an industrial steamer, like, I thought,

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Speaker 1: fuck those guys. Whatever they use, I could buy it.

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Speaker 1: It was too strong, it was a nightmare, was a

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Speaker 1: too heavy, and I just couldn't get it out. I

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Speaker 1: hope it made its way to some office building.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so I go down to Florida.

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Speaker 1: Biggie does not. I guess Latin food doesn't agree with him.

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Speaker 1: A Cuban coffee. I don't fucking know what happened, But

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Speaker 1: Biggie my dog. Biggie and Smiles are my dogs. They're

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Speaker 1: one dog. They are rescues. They were going to be

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Speaker 1: euthanized in their mom's belly. Beth Stern, Howard Stern's wife,

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Speaker 1: got them for me. They are adorable. They are one dog.

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Speaker 1: At this point, they have one Instagram account. They are

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Speaker 1: fairly useless. Their one use is love and adorableness and

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Speaker 1: that they're like a buddy comedy together. They're like Danny

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Speaker 1: DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They're two idiots. They're like George

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Speaker 1: Clooney and Steve Buscemi. They're like one is really good

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Speaker 1: looking and chill, the other one is a fucking neurotic,

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Speaker 1: nightmare criminal, and they're just wonderful together. One sits at

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Speaker 1: the bar coming up with all the schemes and people

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Speaker 1: he's gonna fucking finagle, and the other one's like a dope,

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Speaker 1: just holding a beer, ready to get in the getaway

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Speaker 1: car and forget the keys. They're just two dopes that

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Speaker 1: I live for. They have no fucking skills. Love and

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Speaker 1: want and wanting inclusivity, that's it, okay. In fact, they

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Speaker 1: detract because because Biggie throws up once a week. If

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Speaker 1: to pick him up, he gives you a little notice.

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Speaker 1: You gotta pick him up, bring him over to a

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Speaker 1: hard surface. It's it's a whole story. I've had him

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Speaker 1: throw up. I've had him throw up in like containers,

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Speaker 1: like candles, just like anything but the rugs. Because of

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Speaker 1: this situation, anything but the linens. Okay, Christmas will be canceled.

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Speaker 1: So these are my dogs, So Biggie, I guess Miami

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Speaker 1: doesn't agree with him. He went for a couple of walks.

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Speaker 1: He has diarrhea, explosive diarrhea all over Miami. It's never Smalls,

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Speaker 1: that's never his problem. His tongue goes down to the

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Speaker 1: floor in the airplane. He's having a fucking panic attack.

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Speaker 1: Needs to be an anti anxiety medication. He is a

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Speaker 1: special needs dog, but they have different issues. Smalls is

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Speaker 1: a nervous wreck, scared of everything, not just light, not

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Speaker 1: just thunder people, water, carpets, sounds, anything, terrified. His tongue,

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Speaker 1: it's like he's shaking. You think he's gonna explode. It's like,

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Speaker 1: not that great. He's to be an anti anxiety medication,

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Speaker 1: just like myself. He's like insane. And Biggie's a lump.

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Speaker 1: He's like a roast brisket they just take out of

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Speaker 1: the oven and sits there resting like a lump. And

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Speaker 1: Biggi's the good looking one. And I'm sorry, Smalls, we're

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Speaker 1: not even sure he's a dog. His eyes are different

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Speaker 1: sizes as the teeth or snag. It's just like you

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Speaker 1: look at him, it's like he's got like the brown

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Speaker 1: around his eyes. It's just like he gives a lot

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Speaker 1: of joy because you just look at him and you're like,

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Speaker 1: what the fuck are you?

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Speaker 2: Okay, what are you?

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Speaker 1: So Biggie has explosive diarrhea, so he gets wiped and

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Speaker 1: he comes inside.

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Speaker 2: I guess there was remnants.

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Speaker 1: So now one day old, brand new apartment in Miami.

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Speaker 1: One day old, white couch. I like white couches. Fuck off,

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Speaker 1: I don't care. It's a white couch. It's a cream couch.

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Speaker 1: It's an off white couch. It's in a crew couch.

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Speaker 1: It's an oatmeal couch.

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Speaker 2: Leave me alone. It's my couch.

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Speaker 1: So and we're in Miami and it's cheesy and you

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Speaker 1: know it goes with cocaine.

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Speaker 2: So this is the white couch.

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Speaker 1: So Biggie, I guess, has remnants of diarrhea everywhere. I'm

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Speaker 1: not even freaking out anymore because stands are kind of

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Speaker 1: part of my life. Like I don't even care like

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Speaker 1: I used to get upset and freak out. It's like,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna deal with it. Whoever's in the way, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna deal with it. I'm not just letting fucking diarrhea

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Speaker 1: sit on my couch.

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Speaker 2: So, yes, do you try the water? Do you try this?

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Speaker 1: You start dumping shit on it. Order an instacart gets shout.

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Speaker 1: We start spraying it furiously, feverishly, no reading directions with shout,

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Speaker 1: just fucking get it out.

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Speaker 2: It gets out with a big.

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Speaker 1: Brown, discolored ring around it twenty four hours later. So

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Speaker 1: I feel better, marginally better, because that's out.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 1: I got to pay somebody to get it out. But

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Speaker 1: lo and behold this guy geez Gee's carpet cleaning. I'm

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Speaker 1: seeing him, Mammy DMS. I don't know what he's talking about.

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Speaker 1: I don't know where he is, I don't know what

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Speaker 1: anything is. I'm blacked out. He's gotten one hundred and

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Speaker 1: fifty messages from people just because I'm talking about my couch.

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Speaker 1: The guy has fifty thousand followers. He's freaking out. The

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Speaker 1: next thing I know, I wake up. I come out

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Speaker 1: of my apartment. There are two men, ones on their knees,

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Speaker 1: one is bent over. I don't know what the fuck

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna do with these two guys. Two men who

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Speaker 1: have flown in, one from North Carolina, one from New

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Speaker 1: York to Miami on an airplane. One owns the equipment company,

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Speaker 1: one owns the stained solution company. What did we learn?

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Speaker 1: Number one things like oxy clean, Shout, stay and removal,

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Speaker 1: things that are concentrated for in a pinch there for

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Speaker 1: the moment that you get something on your top, but

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Speaker 1: then you're sending it to the dry cleaner or you're

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Speaker 1: putting it in the wash because it's concentrated. So it's

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Speaker 1: a quick emergency. It's like Narcan to fucking get you

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Speaker 1: out of you know, like you've passed out, but it's

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Speaker 1: not to be used regularly, or like my EpiPen, so

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Speaker 1: it's to shock the stain, but then you rinse it out.

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Speaker 1: So the problem with that kind of sharp thing on

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Speaker 1: your couch is that it's too concentrated, and you also

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Speaker 1: should Couches should have instructions saying what to do, just

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Speaker 1: like a garment. Please do not dry clean, do not

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Speaker 1: use this, Yes, use this, only use that. What he

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Speaker 1: said is it's dish soap that's clear and warm water,

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Speaker 1: so it becomes a soapy water.

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Speaker 2: That's it.

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Speaker 1: If you had to use shout or something else, it

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Speaker 1: must be very diluted, nothing blue, nothing red whatever.

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Speaker 2: Here was the biggest thing. Feathering.

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Speaker 1: Once you do it, you have to feather out. What

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Speaker 1: we do is you spray right there in a circle

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Speaker 1: you dab. He also made it like we rub left,

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Speaker 1: and like we rub or we dab or we scrape.

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Speaker 1: It's like feathering. You You could start to dab, but

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Speaker 1: like with a shammy, that's not gonna stay in your couch.

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Speaker 1: You go out in a feathering motion, so you're blanketing

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Speaker 1: the whole surface. Otherwise you're gonna have that ring. So

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Speaker 1: frankly in a garment or a couch or a rug,

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Speaker 1: go all the way to the edge. You almost could

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Speaker 1: blanket the whole surface. No baking soda, no vinegar, no salt,

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Speaker 1: no fucking gimmicks, and none of that concentrated shit, because

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Speaker 1: he says you have to dilute that shit. I never

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Speaker 1: even thought of that. Like, but just use warm, you know,

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Speaker 1: the soapy water, and you might not get it all.

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Speaker 1: Get a professional to get it all. I think that

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Speaker 1: those steamers are good. I thought the Bistol steamer was good.

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Speaker 1: It sucks it up, but you do, you boo. But

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Speaker 1: like know the garment, Like, take a fucking minute, look underneath,

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Speaker 1: look at the I didn't do any of this.

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Speaker 2: Don't worry. I'm not an expert. I'm an idiot.

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Speaker 1: I've picked my face and I've had scars and waited

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Speaker 1: for it to then peel off, and the niasporn and

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Speaker 1: all this shit and like not worth it. It's not

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Speaker 1: worth it to pick your face or pick your couch neither.

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Speaker 1: So find out from underneath the couch what the goddamn

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Speaker 1: couch is and what you can and can't do. But

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Speaker 1: most of the things that we're doing, and no one

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Speaker 1: ever taught me that. No one taught me that. I

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Speaker 1: learned how to ride a bike, but not how to

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Speaker 1: get rid of a stain.

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Speaker 2: How much do I?

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Speaker 1: I don't ride bikes that often. We sell Guardian bikes

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Speaker 1: on here as an advertiser. It's the easiest way to

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Speaker 1: learn how to ride a bike. How often do I

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Speaker 1: ride a bike as a fucking cute thing with a

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Speaker 1: basket and some daisies? Every five years, I get a

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Speaker 1: stain every five days. No one ever taught me proper

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Speaker 1: stain approach. So that's it. Geez came got the shit out.

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Speaker 1: Also because of the oxidization of the shit show that

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Speaker 1: I did with the shout, he stuck it on my balcony,

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Speaker 1: put it in the back in the sunlight the sun.

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Speaker 2: Nothing is on the couch.

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Speaker 1: Also, target makes like furry blankets that look like real

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Speaker 1: and good, and the thirty dollars buy some blankets. What

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Speaker 1: do you think company, I don't even like people. I'm

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Speaker 1: having like white ones over my couch, looking decorative. But

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Speaker 1: that's where the dogs are gonna gravitate to lay. They'll

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Speaker 1: be no more like remnant diarrhea staining on my fucking

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Speaker 1: white couch, not on my watch. So the couch is clean,

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Speaker 1: and blankets will be down, and outdoor rugs are on

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Speaker 1: the floor, and soap and water and the right chammy

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Speaker 1: and feathering out and jeez, and he's got a great

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Speaker 1: G's cleaning solution. Go on my Instagram to find out

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Speaker 1: where to buy it, and we all live happily ever after.

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Speaker 2: Do not pick your face