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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: But can I have one that's gonna make me make

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Speaker 2: me throw your whole two hundred and fifty pounds self

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Speaker 2: all of my body because I just had a Am

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Speaker 2: I gonna have one that gave me a whole outer

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Speaker 2: body experience? I'm gonna have one that's gonna leave me

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Speaker 2: with aftershocks for the next thirty minutes Like these are.

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Speaker 3: The types of orgathms that I want.

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Speaker 4: Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just

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Speaker 4: doesn't get you? Well?

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Speaker 5: We do.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated.

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Speaker 3: To uplifting and empowering women like you.

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Speaker 4: We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists.

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Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.

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Speaker 4: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from

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Speaker 4: fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black

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Speaker 4: women to just be.

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Speaker 1: Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow

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Speaker 1: button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady,

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Speaker 1: We are black founded and black owned, and your support

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Speaker 1: will help us reach even more women like you.

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Speaker 4: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating Her Space.

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Speaker 1: If you want more speaking engagements, collaborations, or visibility for

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Speaker 1: your brand, I got to tell you the truth. This

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Speaker 1: is Terry Lomax and I've been a public speaker for

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Speaker 1: over twelve years. I've lended national media, a TED talk,

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Speaker 1: in six figure collaborations without a publicist or a big

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Speaker 1: social media following. And here's what most people don't hear.

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Speaker 1: You don't need a publicist or a massive audience to

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Speaker 1: get booked. Most people are waiting to feel established first,

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Speaker 1: and that waiting is costing them visibility. How many times

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Speaker 1: have you looked up and seeing people with less experience

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Speaker 1: getting opportunities you were fully qualified for. Here's the truth.

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Speaker 1: Opportunities don't go to the most qualified. They go to

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Speaker 1: the people who can clearly communicate their value. Once I

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Speaker 1: learned how to organize my story and position my expertise

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Speaker 1: using a framework, everything changed. If you want my exact

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Speaker 1: pitch emails, word for word, my winning subject lines, and

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Speaker 1: the Saucy Solutions framework, visit get that pitch dot com

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Speaker 1: for a limited time. Use cold her Space for a

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Speaker 1: special listener discount. If this is your year to stop

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Speaker 1: hiding and start getting booked, I'll see you inside visit

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Speaker 1: Get that Pitch dot Com or click the link in

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Speaker 1: our show notes. Lady, Today, we have a very special

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Speaker 1: guest we are super excited to chat with, So I'm

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Speaker 1: just going to jump right on in. Doctor Nicki Coleman

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Speaker 1: is an award winning licensed psychologist, sexologist, and founder of

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Speaker 1: Doctor Nicki nos PLLC. With over twenty years of experience,

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Speaker 1: she helps high achieving Black women own their authenticity, practice

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Speaker 1: self compassion, experience intimacy, and seek pleasure through her signature framework,

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Speaker 1: The Sanctuary. A former tenured professor turned entrepreneur, her work

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Speaker 1: blends cultural expertise, psychological depth, and a warm, relatable presence

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Speaker 1: that audiences call apple cider on Sunday with a bourbon chaser.

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Speaker 1: Okay yes. Her offerings include public speaking, workshops, and therapy,

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Speaker 1: all rooted in the belief that pleasure is a birthright.

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Speaker 1: Doctor Niki is also the creator of The Pleasure Pursuit,

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Speaker 1: a guided planner journal for cultivating joy. Her expertise has

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Speaker 1: been featured in Essence Self, Cosmopolitan, podcasts and documentaries, and Lady.

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Speaker 1: As you can probably imagine, there is so much more

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Speaker 1: that we can say about Doctor Nikki, but we will

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Speaker 1: let you hear it from her, Doctor NICKI, welcome to

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Speaker 1: cultivating her space.

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Speaker 3: Thank you for having me. I appreciate this. I'm so

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Speaker 3: excited to be here.

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Speaker 5: We are going to continue on with our quote of

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Speaker 5: the day, and Doctor Nikki, this quote will sounds fromamiliar

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Speaker 5: to you because these are your words. These are this

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Speaker 5: is a question that you asked yourself, and we're gonna

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Speaker 5: encourage our listeners to kind of sit with this question

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Speaker 5: as well. So you're just never gonna have sex again

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Speaker 5: because you don't like this body. And I'm gonna ask

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Speaker 5: in one more time to make sure lady, as you

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Speaker 5: are listening that you truly heard this question and take

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Speaker 5: a moment to reflect on your current experiences. So you're

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Speaker 5: just never gonna have sex again because you don't like

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Speaker 5: this body? Ooh, sir, absolutely ridiculous anything. Yes, yes, So doctor,

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Speaker 5: give us some context, tell us, yes, what barks this

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Speaker 5: quote and what can after?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? For sure.

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Speaker 2: So I So it's a long story, right, but the

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Speaker 2: short of it is, I had like gone through the

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Speaker 2: process of having a baby.

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Speaker 3: I had my daughter.

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Speaker 2: It was called a geriatric pregnancy, so disrespectful the medical field,

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Speaker 2: just generally speaking, disrespectful. I had her at thirty seven,

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Speaker 2: and then I done breastfeeding, and I had like everything, Like,

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Speaker 2: so I had gotten back down to a reasonable weight,

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Speaker 2: like pretty much close back to what I was before

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Speaker 2: I got pregnant, And then life happened, becoming a full

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Speaker 2: time single parent happened, worked, and then academia as a

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Speaker 2: tenured professor happened, and probably perimenopause now that I have

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Speaker 2: better understanding of, like all the hormonal changes, and so

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Speaker 2: I had gotten to a place where I.

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Speaker 3: Had like incremitently gained all of.

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Speaker 2: This weight and I was at the heaviest I had

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Speaker 2: ever been and just feeling just not good about myself

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Speaker 2: quite honestly, Like the struggle was so real to like

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Speaker 2: the just the real like body.

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Speaker 3: Dysmorphia of like who is this? Who is this? Like

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Speaker 3: looking in the mirror like.

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Speaker 2: And I had gone into the closet one day thinking

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Speaker 2: I was getting ready to put something on, and the

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Speaker 2: zip wasn't zipping, Like it wasn't happening, and I was

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Speaker 2: just going down this really really negative spiral, and I

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Speaker 2: was like, well, wait, wait, wait, let's go down. So

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Speaker 2: what we're saying is we never gonna be naked in

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Speaker 2: front of nobody again. So we're not gonna have sex

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Speaker 2: ever again because of like some rolls or like like

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Speaker 2: some weight. Is that really what we're saying. I was like, Oh,

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Speaker 2: well no, cause that's dumb. So what we're gonna have

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Speaker 2: to do is figure out how to love this body,

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Speaker 2: because absolutely I'm not like I'm going to have to

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Speaker 2: finally And that really was kind of the other parts.

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Speaker 2: I was like, I'm gonna have to finally really confront

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Speaker 2: all of this body stuff, all of this internalized fat phobia,

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Speaker 2: all of this like shame, and that had always sort

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Speaker 2: of been there, but I've been sort of able to,

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Speaker 2: you know, skate around and work around it, all those

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Speaker 2: sort of things. And for me, I when my anxiety

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Speaker 2: starts to spiral, that always use like the most sort

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Speaker 2: of extreme example to help bring me back to reality.

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Speaker 2: And for me at the time, I was like, no,

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Speaker 2: so we have to figure out another pathway forward, right.

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Speaker 2: And there is such an interrelated, like complex relationship that

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Speaker 2: I know that so many women have with their body,

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Speaker 2: their body image and their ability to feel confident, their

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Speaker 2: ability for sure to feel sexually confident, and then therefore

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Speaker 2: that impacts their pleasure, their ability to be fully embodied

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Speaker 2: to experience pleasure to be able to advocate for that,

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Speaker 2: like all of this other stuff. And I had never

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Speaker 2: really had issues with the other side of that equation,

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Speaker 2: so that wasn't my issue. And I knew that I

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Speaker 2: was at a time and my life where I was

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Speaker 2: that was starting to like become part of the internal noise,

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Speaker 2: and I just I just really refuse that for myself,

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Speaker 2: and I want to be this loud, consistent voice for

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Speaker 2: so many other women of like, let's not worry so

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Speaker 2: much about what it looked like, and let's worry about

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Speaker 2: what it can feel like, because that's what's.

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Speaker 3: Really most important.

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Speaker 1: Wow, what a way to start the conversation. Thank you

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Speaker 1: so much for the transparency and the vulnerability and taking

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Speaker 1: us through that moment in the closet, cause I think

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Speaker 1: many of us can relate to some aspect of that

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Speaker 1: story and so that's just so powerful.

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Speaker 3: So thank you so much for that.

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Speaker 1: And before we jump in, I have a feeling that

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Speaker 1: some gems are going to be dropped. You already drop some,

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Speaker 1: but I feel like more a common before we dive

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Speaker 1: in deeper, can you just tell us, doctor Nikki, what

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Speaker 1: do you want the woman listening to this episode to

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Speaker 1: take away from it, like if you just had one

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Speaker 1: message before we get into the conversation, like what's something?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, wait with.

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Speaker 5: That.

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Speaker 2: You you are here in this way, at this time

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Speaker 2: for a very specific reason, and it's really not your

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Speaker 2: business to worry about other people, but to worry about

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Speaker 2: what that reason is for you.

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Speaker 3: That's that's the work.

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Speaker 2: Just lean fully into you in always, in all ways.

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Speaker 3: That's it.

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Speaker 5: Oh, I love that.

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Speaker 3: I love that.

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Speaker 5: Okay, So so, doctor Niki, you have mentioned a few

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Speaker 5: things we heard your bio. Yeah, and you mention a

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Speaker 5: few things about yourself. But let's back up and let's

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Speaker 5: tell us tell share with our audience. How did you

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Speaker 5: get to the doctor Nikki that sits before us today? Right,

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Speaker 5: Like you're a mom, you've been attend your professor, you're

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Speaker 5: an entrepreneur. But let's let's go back to little Nikki,

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Speaker 5: like way back, and what are some of the things

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Speaker 5: that shaped who you are today?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a great question. I've been hot in the

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Speaker 2: pants for a long time, Like let's start there. Just

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Speaker 2: to be clear, I've been precocious my entire life.

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Speaker 3: I was a very early reader.

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Speaker 2: I've been like very interested in ideas and knowledge and

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Speaker 2: just super super curious.

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Speaker 3: I'm really introverted, so.

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Speaker 2: Like, and I now know that I have ADHD, but

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Speaker 2: before I had that language, right, like I knew how

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Speaker 2: I could create entire fantasy worlds, like I could.

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Speaker 3: Live in my head for hours.

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Speaker 2: And my mother was a huge romance reader, and that

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Speaker 2: meant that at this, at a very early age, I

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Speaker 2: was reading historical romance like at night, like or sneaking

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Speaker 2: when I could, and y'all, I wish the viewers could see,

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Speaker 2: like I would have one of like my kid books

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Speaker 2: right like this. And then my mom was like historical

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Speaker 2: romance like this, like who thought? Who was I fooling?

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Speaker 2: And obviously at age seven eight nine, right, I didn't

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Speaker 2: know what I was reading reading, but I had an

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Speaker 2: intuitive sense of like what a throbbing member was and

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Speaker 2: like her heaving, I'm like, I knew, y'all was doing

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Speaker 2: some stuff and it sounded like it was good. That

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Speaker 2: sounds fun, So like it really did start there, and

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Speaker 2: I think so, And I want to give my mother

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Speaker 2: a lot of credit in the sense that, like she

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Speaker 2: was a woman that valued knowledge and intelligence and education

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Speaker 2: and so while you know, I don't want to give

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Speaker 2: the sense like she was promoting me to like being

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Speaker 2: promiscuous or inappropriately sexually curious at an age. I do

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Speaker 2: think that her installation of me of like there's no

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Speaker 2: bad questions, right, like be curious and that's that's what

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Speaker 2: you're supposed to do, and really rewarding that and really

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Speaker 2: rewarding education along with not being really Christians. So there

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Speaker 2: weren't a lot of restrictions in my household. The first

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Speaker 2: conversations that I remember having about my body and sex

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Speaker 2: with my mother worked very like specific anatomical terms. You

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Speaker 2: know some things about safety, but like she gave me

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Speaker 2: pamphlets to read about like my period, and I knew

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Speaker 2: about my cycle and my over like I like. So

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Speaker 2: she saw that I was an intellectual kid and that

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Speaker 2: was a place that we could sort of like connect in.

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Speaker 2: And then I remember going to high school and one

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Speaker 2: I was at friend that all the people talked to

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Speaker 2: like I got. I had everybody's tea. I was solving problems,

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Speaker 2: I was navigating the breakups.

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Speaker 3: I was navigating like I was doing.

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Speaker 2: I had so many three way phone calls where I

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Speaker 2: was like the quasi therapist even in high school. And

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Speaker 2: then the high school I went to was like a

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Speaker 2: Magnet High School, and the geography teacher also taught psychology,

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Speaker 2: so like a you know, basic psych one oh one

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Speaker 2: type of course. And I remember being in geography class.

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Speaker 2: It was like a freshman sophomore, and he would be

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Speaker 2: putting the notes up for psychology up on the board

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Speaker 2: while we were doing like independent work, and like that

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Speaker 2: was I was like, Oh, this, this, this is infinitely

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Speaker 2: fascinating to me. And I started developing this idea that

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Speaker 2: I was going to be a therapist really really early on.

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Speaker 2: I went to Zavi University. I'm from Louisiana. When is

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Speaker 2: Zavier University? I went psych pre med because I didn't

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Speaker 2: know about a PhD, right, like just like lots of

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Speaker 2: other folks right when you don't know, you don't know.

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Speaker 2: And the pre med people were very quickly like so baby, yeah,

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Speaker 2: medical school is not going to be for you.

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Speaker 3: You're gonna need to drop this pre med.

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Speaker 2: And I was like, Oh, you're probably right, though, this

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Speaker 2: organic chemistry is trying to whoop.

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Speaker 3: My ass, so you're probably right.

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Speaker 2: And I remember talking to one of my psych professors

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Speaker 2: and saying like, Okay, this psycho pathology stuff is really

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Speaker 2: really cool, Like what about people?

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Speaker 3: That's just regular life.

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Speaker 2: Life is hard, Like they just need somebody to talk to,

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Speaker 2: Like what is that? Like there's nothing wrong with the mentally.

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Speaker 2: It was like, oh, you want counseling psychology, and I

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Speaker 2: was like, okay, that was and so that was that.

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Speaker 2: And then ironically or like that's probably the right phrase,

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Speaker 2: but like in perfect perfect alignment.

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Speaker 3: So because I was a psych major.

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Speaker 2: In undergrad at Savior, I got to do a practicum, right,

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Speaker 2: little baby practicum. My baby practicum was working at the YWCA,

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Speaker 2: which has historically been like, you know, feminists but also

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Speaker 2: like anti racists, like very forward thinking, pretty progressive organization

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Speaker 2: compared to the YMCA, and lo and behold. I taught

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Speaker 2: sex ad classes in public schools in New Orleans, okay

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Speaker 2: like trial by fire, yeah, slim maybe. And so I

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Speaker 2: did all of that and then when I got to

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Speaker 2: graduate school, things have shifted significantly now and I'm grateful

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Speaker 2: for that, and I can shout out lots of black

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Speaker 2: women counseling psychologists that are looking at sex and sexual

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Speaker 2: health and sexual well being. But when I was going

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Speaker 2: back into graduate so this was like the mid nineties,

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Speaker 2: nobody was looking at that stuff, and especially not black

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Speaker 2: women and so I kind of really got away from

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Speaker 2: that part of my interests and curiosity for a while,

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Speaker 2: but it kept coming back up, kept coming back up,

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Speaker 2: and so then academia and I and then life and

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Speaker 2: burnout and we can get to all those things as well.

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Speaker 2: And so here I am now and along the way.

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Speaker 2: You know, the thing is you just when you live life,

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Speaker 2: you're just sort of making the best possible choice with

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Speaker 2: the information that's in front of you right then, right

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Speaker 2: so you don't really see the through line until you

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Speaker 2: have a little bit of experience under your belt.

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Speaker 3: So that is a beautiful origin story.

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Speaker 1: And I could listen to you talk all daynick Ye

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Speaker 1: had to remind myself, like we were on a podcast,

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Speaker 1: you need to ask a question next.

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Speaker 3: So I'm just like, okay, y'all know, I could just

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Speaker 3: keep going to we are okay with that? All right? Well,

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Speaker 3: one of the things just a beautiful story overall.

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Speaker 1: But one of the things that really peaued my interest

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Speaker 1: was when you talked about your mom creating a safe

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Speaker 1: space for you to ask questions, to be curious, and

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Speaker 1: then also your experience teaching sex ed and I would

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Speaker 1: love to know what your perspective is on teaching young

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Speaker 1: people about sex education and how that's evolved over time,

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Speaker 1: because I think sometimes it can be so tricky, Like

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Speaker 1: I have a five year old almost five year old,

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Speaker 1: and it's like, you know, it's just as a parent,

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Speaker 1: you just kind of wonder when is the right time

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Speaker 1: and how much do you talk about So what is

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Speaker 1: your perspective on that?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so from the beginning and you talk about it

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Speaker 2: every So here's the way that I think about it

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Speaker 2: and the way I think about it in the way

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Speaker 2: that I have parented.

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Speaker 3: Is part of where the.

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Speaker 2: Sex negativity around like education and like full embodiment around

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Speaker 2: sex and sexuality comes into play, is that we really

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Speaker 2: think about it as.

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Speaker 3: Like this illicit, explicit, like adult thing.

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Speaker 2: And the way that I frame it is that actually

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Speaker 2: it all is rooted in bodily autonomy and celebration of

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Speaker 2: our body. And the reason why I have been focusing

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Speaker 2: so much around pleasure is because we all have a

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Speaker 2: right to have access to feeling good in our bodies.

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Speaker 2: Sex Erotic pleasure is one part of that. But if

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Speaker 2: we can start to expand our sort of overall expectation,

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Speaker 2: now actually we're supposed to live a life that we

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Speaker 2: feel good like that's not a bad thing to feel good,

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Speaker 2: And we also get to have boundaries around our body

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Speaker 2: and that we have body parts that do all sorts

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Speaker 2: of things, and we have certain body parts that do

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Speaker 2: these very specific things.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: So that's how I approached it with my daughter. That

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Speaker 2: is the way that I think my mother really approached

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Speaker 2: it with me. She was so progressive without even like,

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Speaker 2: I don't think she ever thought I'm gonna be progressive,

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Speaker 2: but I think she really was like, yeah, I know

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Speaker 2: some stuff that I went through that did not sit

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Speaker 2: well with me, right, that was not good for me

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Speaker 2: that I really don't ever want from my child again.

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Speaker 2: And so I have reaped the benefit of that for sure.

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Speaker 2: And how my daughter is I'll tell you a hilarious story.

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Speaker 2: So because I talked openly, you know, about body parts

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Speaker 2: and all the things like that with my kiddo, And

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Speaker 2: there was a period of time when she was younger

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Speaker 2: where you know, she would like, I think one time

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Speaker 2: the conversation was like, Mama, you know, a heart doesn't

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Speaker 2: actually look like that, Like she was doing a little

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Speaker 2: heart so but she was like, the heart don't even

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Speaker 2: look like that, Mama, And I said, no, it doesn't

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Speaker 2: and so she was like, let's google it. So that

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Speaker 2: was her like she would be like, let's google it. Right,

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Speaker 2: So googled a picture of her heart and like showed her.

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Speaker 2: And then somehow the conversation of like penises came up

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Speaker 2: and she was like, and Mama, there's fat ones and

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Speaker 2: skinny ones. I was like, yeah, yes there are, you know,

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Speaker 2: yes there are. She was like, let's google it. And

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Speaker 2: I was like no, oh.

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Speaker 5: No, no, no.

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Speaker 3: No, wele google it.

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Speaker 6: There.

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Speaker 3: I agree direct right, I.

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Speaker 2: Share that story to say, like, there's there's boundaries, right,

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Speaker 2: like when she when she tried to like jump above

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Speaker 2: her pay grade, it's my responsibility to parent to say, right,

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Speaker 2: let's slow down a little bit, but not to bring

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Speaker 2: me in shame around.

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Speaker 3: Oh my god, I can't believe you said that. No,

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Speaker 3: we do you even know? This is right?

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Speaker 2: Like so much of that is the stuff that comes

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Speaker 2: out that just it sends so much communication to our

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Speaker 2: young kids that we don't fully take into account. Right, So,

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Speaker 2: and I'll be fully transparent.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: So, now she's fourteen, and I do this work, I

365
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Speaker 2: talk about this work, I live this work, and the

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Speaker 2: raising of a fourteen year old eleven year old twelve

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Speaker 2: year old thirteen. Ye, like the raising of and watching

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Speaker 2: her with this little body and the little things that

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Speaker 2: are happening and the outcome that I want and what

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Speaker 2: I know to be best practices do not always line.

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Speaker 3: Up, Terry.

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Speaker 2: So let me just like internally, so you know, she

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Speaker 2: had her first little boyfriend in seventh grade, and so

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Speaker 2: she's and because I have cultivated this relationship, she tells

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Speaker 2: me everything, so I get it all. So she's like,

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Speaker 2: so yeah, So we talked and like we both said that,

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Speaker 2: you know, he's told me tonight that like, I really

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Speaker 2: want to kiss you and I've been thinking about it.

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00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,480
Speaker 2: And she was like, and I told him, you know,

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Speaker 2: I want to kiss you too, And when the time

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Speaker 2: is right, we both feel ready and we discuss it.

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Speaker 2: You have consent, I have consent, then we'll do it.

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Speaker 2: You know, it'll be fine. It's like, no rush, we

384
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,399
Speaker 2: can take our time. But we know they we're both

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00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,680
Speaker 2: you know, like interested in that way. And well, I

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Speaker 2: remember you in the car and I was like mm hmm, okay, okay, girl,

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Speaker 2: you know whatever, and.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, god, no, what do you mean? Times are

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Speaker 3: like the internal.

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00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:45,760
Speaker 2: Yes, and all that the external was right. So It's

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Speaker 2: a balancing act, right, it is. It is a balancing act.

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Speaker 2: And I think the other piece that I want to

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Speaker 2: share for listeners to that I think is so important

394
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Speaker 2: in this conversation, but that really can be extended when

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Speaker 2: we think about women and across the lifespan. It's like,

396
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,760
Speaker 2: you have to know your kid, right, So, like what

397
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:08,600
Speaker 2: works for my daughter and where she is developmentally, what

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00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:12,520
Speaker 2: she understands, what she's able to manage and navigate in

399
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:16,000
Speaker 2: terms of her maturity and emotional ability and stuff may

400
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,280
Speaker 2: not at all be where your kid is, it is, right,

401
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,040
Speaker 2: Like I have friends who have kids that maybe are

402
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,440
Speaker 2: like are year or so older, and they're like not

403
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,440
Speaker 2: talking about relationships with boys or anything like that, right,

404
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,000
Speaker 2: And so there's nothing wrong with that in the same

405
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,680
Speaker 2: way that there's nothing wrong with my daughter. So it's

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Speaker 2: being able to know who the kid is in front

407
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Speaker 2: of you and being able to respond to that with

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Speaker 2: them compassion and safety and curiosity and without judgment. I've

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Speaker 2: been talking to her about like sex and intercourse, like

410
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Speaker 2: right when she's when she started to enter puberty, and

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Speaker 2: so I went through the basic things and she was like,

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Speaker 2: I am so uncomfortable in this conversation. Is it over yet?

413
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,520
Speaker 2: And I was like, no, it is not. I'm also uncomfortable,

414
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Speaker 2: but here we are. And then I was like any questions.

415
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Speaker 2: She was like, nope, I'm good and so but I

416
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,840
Speaker 2: keep like pushing it right now, pushing it. But I

417
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,359
Speaker 2: like every you know, every now I get, hey, you

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Speaker 2: want to any more questions about sex? Hey, you want

419
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,760
Speaker 2: to have that conversation about sex? Anything else come up

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Speaker 2: for you?

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Speaker 6: Like?

422
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,600
Speaker 2: So now she's gotten into romanticy books and so the

423
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,240
Speaker 2: whole thing is like, if it's not fade the black

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Speaker 2: on the page, friend, then you then you have to

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Speaker 2: have real life conversations with me about sex. And if

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Speaker 2: you don't want to do that, then you can't read it.

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Speaker 2: You see how that like you can't talk to me

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Speaker 2: about it, then you can't watch it. So that's sort

429
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,600
Speaker 2: of the place we're in. And she's like, I would

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Speaker 2: like to not talk to you about it. I said, well,

431
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Speaker 2: then you would like to not watch or rent those things.

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Speaker 2: And that's sort of where we are on that.

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Speaker 3: There we go. It was so good. Thank you for that.

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Speaker 5: Yes, I appreciate that. And you know, I think what

435
00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:46,439
Speaker 5: it makes me think about is the flip side of

436
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:54,200
Speaker 5: that right, or those who didn't get that stace, or

437
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:58,159
Speaker 5: didn't have the parent or the teacher, or didn't have

438
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:01,960
Speaker 5: the people in their lives who made it so that

439
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:09,399
Speaker 5: talking about sex felt comfortable, or who presented them with actual,

440
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:15,880
Speaker 5: accurate answers and information. And so there are a lot

441
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:16,720
Speaker 5: of people.

442
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:21,120
Speaker 7: Walking around who don't who are having sex because that's

443
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:26,840
Speaker 7: what humans do, but aren't comfortable with their in their bodies,

444
00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:31,440
Speaker 7: aren't comfortable having conversations with their partners.

445
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:35,720
Speaker 5: And so when you think about this work that you do,

446
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:44,439
Speaker 5: what are some of the most common misconceptions that you

447
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:48,040
Speaker 5: encounter that you wish people would let go of?

448
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh god, so many? Where do I start?

449
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:58,800
Speaker 2: The biggest one is that sexual desire is something that

450
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:05,800
Speaker 2: can be fixed by sexual skill, meaning if I was

451
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,399
Speaker 2: better at sex, I would want to do it more

452
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,800
Speaker 2: right one, I think generally speaking, people misunderstand the difference

453
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:18,879
Speaker 2: between arousal and desire, and people certainly misunderstand desire overall.

454
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:23,400
Speaker 2: And then the other piece related to that one, oftentimes

455
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:28,040
Speaker 2: is around there's so much conditioning for women around male

456
00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:32,720
Speaker 2: pleasure and male gaze and male satisfaction that then gets

457
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:35,960
Speaker 2: internalized as what they think their satisfaction is supposed to

458
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,840
Speaker 2: be or what they're allowed to ask for desire, etcetera, etcetera. Right,

459
00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:44,560
Speaker 2: so so much of the so much of the well,

460
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,560
Speaker 2: I want to make him feel good, Well, I want

461
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:47,960
Speaker 2: to do this for him. I want to be able

462
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,040
Speaker 2: to do it this way. Da da da da, without

463
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,840
Speaker 2: any awareness of what they want for themselves as a

464
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,919
Speaker 2: being worthy, deserving, and able to experience pleasure.

465
00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:00,719
Speaker 3: I think the third is like latest this as well.

466
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:04,960
Speaker 2: It's like pleasure is for intercourse, and that like masturbation

467
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,280
Speaker 2: or solo sex is not as good as are not

468
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,560
Speaker 2: the same as and it or I don't even think

469
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,159
Speaker 2: about sex or engage in sex unless I'm partnered or

470
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:15,280
Speaker 2: I'm doing it with a man.

471
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,760
Speaker 1: That's such a good point because I know for me

472
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:19,520
Speaker 1: growing up, I don't know if y'all can relate to this.

473
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,480
Speaker 1: I was taught that masturbation was bad, Like it just

474
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,919
Speaker 1: wasn't talked about in a healthy way at all, you know.

475
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,680
Speaker 5: Unfortunately, that's such a common experience, and you know, when

476
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:32,600
Speaker 5: you're not taught how to understand your own body, it's

477
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:36,760
Speaker 5: really hard to advocate for yourself when you're in intimate relationships.

478
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,119
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, that is so true. If learning how

479
00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:42,399
Speaker 1: to pleasure myself actually became active self love like that

480
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:45,080
Speaker 1: was self care and getting curious about my body helped

481
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:49,200
Speaker 1: me feel more confident, more grounded, and way more empowered

482
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:52,200
Speaker 1: in my relationships. And I've mentioned this on the show,

483
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:54,400
Speaker 1: but I'm always looking for new ways to spice things

484
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:56,560
Speaker 1: up in the bedroom and just have more fun with

485
00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:59,199
Speaker 1: myself in general. And so, y'all, I was recently on

486
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,760
Speaker 1: Educated and I found this module all about becoming orgasmic

487
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:07,160
Speaker 1: because so many people, especially women, don't realize that orgasms

488
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:11,879
Speaker 1: are something we can learn and cultivate. And understanding my

489
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:15,679
Speaker 1: body on a deeper level it completely changed our experience intimacy.

490
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:20,200
Speaker 5: I love that, And Lady, just so you know, Educated

491
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:25,119
Speaker 5: is an online platform with in depth, expert led courses

492
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:30,440
Speaker 5: on pleasure, intimacy, and sexual wellness. They literally have courses

493
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:35,520
Speaker 5: on everything from pleasure and self connection, to communication to

494
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:42,280
Speaker 5: contra kink, massage techniques, and even sex positive parentcing, which

495
00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:44,240
Speaker 5: t I know we've talked about. That's something that you

496
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:47,720
Speaker 5: want to be able to explore for how you educate

497
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:52,320
Speaker 5: baby Z. Yeah, And so, no matter where you are,

498
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:56,360
Speaker 5: what you're looking for in your sexual health journey. What

499
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,119
Speaker 5: I love about Educated is that they have a quick

500
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:03,320
Speaker 5: five minute quiz that gives you a personalized learning path

501
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:08,040
Speaker 5: and will recommend your own road map to sexual happiness.

502
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 5: And again it's just for you, so you don't have

503
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:14,000
Speaker 5: to guess on where to start.

504
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:14,359
Speaker 3: So Lydia.

505
00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:16,439
Speaker 1: If you're ready to keep your relationship with yourself or

506
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:19,320
Speaker 1: your partner, you can head to Educated dot com or

507
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:21,160
Speaker 1: just click the link in our show notes to start

508
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:22,719
Speaker 1: your personal pleasure journey.

509
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:26,399
Speaker 2: The body piece is one of the other biggest things,

510
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:31,119
Speaker 2: right I I tell my best friend all the time,

511
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:37,360
Speaker 2: NI just don't care, Like good, you don't why got

512
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:38,080
Speaker 2: stretch marks?

513
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 3: I had these babies. He don't care.

514
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:45,680
Speaker 2: No, but he don't even see that, Like they do

515
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,960
Speaker 2: not care. And some of the stuff that we think

516
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 2: it is like when my super they are like give

517
00:27:53,119 --> 00:27:56,920
Speaker 2: it to me, like yes, thank you please, Right, But

518
00:27:57,119 --> 00:27:58,960
Speaker 2: it's all of this stuff that we have in our

519
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:02,080
Speaker 2: head that really is like it's like it's made sex

520
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:04,680
Speaker 2: a competition. It's made sex something that you achieve, It's

521
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:08,480
Speaker 2: made something that it's made sex a goal and not

522
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:12,200
Speaker 2: something to be experienced. A thing that I often say

523
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:16,640
Speaker 2: to my clients is like you've had, You've experienced sex

524
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,000
Speaker 2: as something done to you and not something that you

525
00:28:19,119 --> 00:28:24,000
Speaker 2: have experienced with or created and experienced with someone. And

526
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:28,000
Speaker 2: I think that that distinction is like so deeply rooted

527
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:29,919
Speaker 2: for so many of us. Right, it's this thing that

528
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:33,480
Speaker 2: we do. It's another pask, sometimes a chore, it's a behavior.

529
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:37,320
Speaker 2: It's a set of skills rather than an experience that

530
00:28:37,359 --> 00:28:41,160
Speaker 2: we can have in our bodies or with someone else

531
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:45,840
Speaker 2: in attunement, in presence, embodiment and pleasure, etc.

532
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 3: Thank you for that is so good.

533
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:51,040
Speaker 1: I'm just just taking it all in and I'm going

534
00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:53,400
Speaker 1: back to what you said in the beginning when you

535
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:55,840
Speaker 1: talked about that moment in the closet. You just thinking

536
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:57,520
Speaker 1: back to moments in my own life, like after having

537
00:28:57,560 --> 00:28:59,920
Speaker 1: my daughter, I was like, who's body? What body is this?

538
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:01,520
Speaker 3: And when is it going to change?

539
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:05,160
Speaker 1: And a lot right to manage. What would you say

540
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:08,600
Speaker 1: are some action steps that someone can take to love

541
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:10,200
Speaker 1: their body more so they can get to a space

542
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:14,440
Speaker 1: where they can fully receive pleasure and enjoy themselves in

543
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,480
Speaker 1: their body, whether it's alone or with a partner.

544
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,320
Speaker 3: Yeah. So one of the things I advocate for a

545
00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:21,840
Speaker 3: lot is doing doing mirror work.

546
00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:26,320
Speaker 2: So it's really looking at your body in the mirror,

547
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,320
Speaker 2: like all of it, in the nakedness, in the bright lights,

548
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,320
Speaker 2: and to do that in a way that is compassionate,

549
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:35,680
Speaker 2: that is trauma oriented, right, Like, we also want to

550
00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:39,280
Speaker 2: recognize that lots of women have trauma. Their bodies are

551
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:42,320
Speaker 2: sites of trauma for them, and specifically sexual trauma. So

552
00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 2: honoring that, right, so at the speed and pace in

553
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:47,480
Speaker 2: which you are allowed to be safe and present and

554
00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:50,400
Speaker 2: in your body. So let me back up and say,

555
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:53,040
Speaker 2: it has to be intentional, right, Like, none of the

556
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:56,160
Speaker 2: things that we are inundated with about our bodies on

557
00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:58,960
Speaker 2: a regular basis, none of the things that are that

558
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:02,320
Speaker 2: we see about out what is attractive and beautiful bodies

559
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:05,200
Speaker 2: on a regular basis is going to reinforce that. It's

560
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:10,200
Speaker 2: going to disrupt that internal sense of disconnect, shame, et cetera. Right,

561
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:13,920
Speaker 2: So it has to be intentional, and it also has

562
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:17,760
Speaker 2: to come from you because and you know this, the

563
00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:19,520
Speaker 2: minute I say this, you're going to go oh yeah,

564
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:21,800
Speaker 2: Like you put on a dress or something and you're

565
00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:23,920
Speaker 2: like ugh, and you're like look at this and this

566
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:26,000
Speaker 2: not lan and you step out of the house or

567
00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:28,880
Speaker 2: out of the room your babies for sure, like Mamma,

568
00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:31,400
Speaker 2: you looked up pretty right, or like your girls are

569
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:35,760
Speaker 2: like okay, friend, right, and you're like right. It doesn't

570
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:39,800
Speaker 2: matter when you know it's genuine, right, when you know like,

571
00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,200
Speaker 2: oh no, they really do, like I see the little

572
00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:44,080
Speaker 2: stars in their eyes, like they really do think I'm

573
00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:47,320
Speaker 2: the shit. It doesn't land the same because it has

574
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:50,640
Speaker 2: to come from you, right. And so being able to

575
00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:54,120
Speaker 2: do that work intentionally and the mirror work is one

576
00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 2: of the ways that I encourage people to do that.

577
00:30:56,440 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 2: And that looks like asking different questions of body, not

578
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:02,920
Speaker 2: about what does it look like? But what does it

579
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:05,080
Speaker 2: feel like? What does it need? How has it been

580
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:06,840
Speaker 2: taken care of me? What are the parts of my

581
00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:11,640
Speaker 2: body that I actually enjoy? What's the texture of my skin?

582
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:13,920
Speaker 2: What is the silhouette of my body?

583
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:14,080
Speaker 1: Like?

584
00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:16,720
Speaker 2: How does this part of my body feel? How do

585
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:20,840
Speaker 2: how does the sensation of me touching my body in

586
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,960
Speaker 2: this space make me feel? It is a It requires

587
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:27,360
Speaker 2: a reorientation to your body is not something that is

588
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 2: for the utility of something else, but something that serves

589
00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:34,600
Speaker 2: as a vessel for you to be able to experience life,

590
00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 2: to be embodied, to experience pleasure. It's disrupting all of

591
00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:41,960
Speaker 2: that sort of neural pathways that easily get you to

592
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:47,920
Speaker 2: feel bad about yourself. Like we have whole industries that exists.

593
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:53,000
Speaker 2: People are millionaires multi millionaires based on women feeling bad

594
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:56,320
Speaker 2: about their bodies, right, And so if you think that

595
00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:57,960
Speaker 2: that's going to be something that you're just going to

596
00:31:58,040 --> 00:32:00,960
Speaker 2: combat over because you want to do it, like, no,

597
00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:06,520
Speaker 2: it takes real intentional effort and like reshaping how you're

598
00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:09,960
Speaker 2: coming at, what you think your body is, who's it for,

599
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:12,960
Speaker 2: what it can do, what you want, what the relationship

600
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 2: is that you want to have with your body as well?

601
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:22,280
Speaker 5: Oh, thank you, thank you for that. And so when

602
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:25,800
Speaker 5: we think about so, let's say that you're you're at

603
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:30,000
Speaker 5: that space right, like we've done the work and we

604
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:33,959
Speaker 5: were in love with our body and we are ready

605
00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:40,480
Speaker 5: to experience pleasure. And we found a partner because we

606
00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:43,440
Speaker 5: know what solo pleasure is like and we like that

607
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:44,120
Speaker 5: and we're good.

608
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:46,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, we we are.

609
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:50,320
Speaker 5: We found ourselves in a loving relationship and we're ready

610
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:52,280
Speaker 5: for it. We're ready to take it to that level

611
00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:59,080
Speaker 5: of sex. And but there's no orgasm. M what's happening?

612
00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:01,800
Speaker 5: Why are we not experiencing an orgasm.

613
00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:06,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, my dear sister colleague, doctor Kandice Hargan calls it

614
00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:08,200
Speaker 2: orgasm inequality.

615
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:08,400
Speaker 5: Right.

616
00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:12,480
Speaker 2: She talks about intimate intimate justice, and I love that framing.

617
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:12,760
Speaker 3: Right.

618
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:19,120
Speaker 2: Excuse me, So many women are either orgasmic or inconsistently orgasmic,

619
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:21,520
Speaker 2: or don't orgasm with a partner, right, Like, So the

620
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,680
Speaker 2: very specific contexts that you describe, right, they know how

621
00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:27,640
Speaker 2: to bring themselves to orgasm, they know how to experience

622
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:31,240
Speaker 2: themselves and that sort of container. But with someone else, right,

623
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,280
Speaker 2: it's a whole different thing. It's a dance, right, It's

624
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:35,920
Speaker 2: like line dancing versus partner dancing.

625
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:36,200
Speaker 3: Right.

626
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,600
Speaker 2: I might be able to kill the line dance, but

627
00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:41,360
Speaker 2: salsa waltz girl, what?

628
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:41,640
Speaker 5: Like?

629
00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:42,000
Speaker 3: I don't know.

630
00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:45,160
Speaker 2: I don't know that that's different and every partner is

631
00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:46,040
Speaker 2: different too, right.

632
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:50,280
Speaker 3: So one is you're already.

633
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:52,560
Speaker 2: Better advantaged if you do know how to line dance

634
00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:54,040
Speaker 2: and if you're good at it, because that means you

635
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,720
Speaker 2: understand how your body moves. So now we're making adjustments, right.

636
00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,960
Speaker 2: So one of the things is to recognize that they're

637
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:05,080
Speaker 2: not disconnected or unrelated experiences. What we have to do

638
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:09,960
Speaker 2: is figure out what from the experiences around you. Having pleasure,

639
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:13,320
Speaker 2: reaching orgasm with your own body, on your own terms,

640
00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:17,440
Speaker 2: by yourself can be brought into this environment. Right, safety

641
00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:21,680
Speaker 2: is part and it's like the biggest part. Right, This

642
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:23,920
Speaker 2: feeling that I can be fully present and in my

643
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:28,319
Speaker 2: body in this moment is the way to orgasms. I

644
00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:31,040
Speaker 2: always say, don't chase orgasms. She don't like that, Like

645
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:34,000
Speaker 2: you got to let her come to you. You can't

646
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,680
Speaker 2: run her down. Hey, gr hats she don't like that.

647
00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:40,240
Speaker 2: I come to you when I'm ready. You just wait.

648
00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:45,279
Speaker 2: So part of it is like recognizing that oftentimes what

649
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,040
Speaker 2: is happening once we are with a partner is that

650
00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,799
Speaker 2: especially if you're a woman and having a heterosexual relationship

651
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:55,880
Speaker 2: or having intercourse is one. Men don't know what they doing.

652
00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:58,359
Speaker 2: I don't care what they say. I don't care what

653
00:34:58,400 --> 00:34:59,120
Speaker 2: do you tell you?

654
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:00,959
Speaker 3: I don't care. How do you whispered in your ear?

655
00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:02,840
Speaker 2: I don't care how you didn't tell you you're gonna

656
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:05,759
Speaker 2: beat it out the box. How they don't know what

657
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:10,120
Speaker 2: they're doing because they got they got penises. It just

658
00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:15,040
Speaker 2: it's completely different. Right, They don't even always know how

659
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,399
Speaker 2: they own stuff work, so they for sure not gonna

660
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:19,600
Speaker 2: be able to tell you about yours. So one is

661
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:24,120
Speaker 2: level setting, having a level of comfort and safety and conversation, right,

662
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,640
Speaker 2: being able to say, I'm probably gonna have to advocate

663
00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:30,520
Speaker 2: for some things, I'm probably gonna have to negotiate some stuff, right,

664
00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:33,640
Speaker 2: and being able to like say that in a way

665
00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:37,960
Speaker 2: that feels sexy and engaging and safe and fond for everybody, right,

666
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 2: without shaming, without ridicule, without taking everybody out of the moment.

667
00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:43,279
Speaker 2: But to really get yourself probably gonna have to do

668
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:48,360
Speaker 2: a little bit of explanation, right, and then a recognition

669
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:56,719
Speaker 2: that like pacing, timing, rhythm, tempo, texture, right, like it

670
00:35:56,760 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 2: is like a dance, and so you have to be

671
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:04,480
Speaker 2: open to sort of the spontaneity of it. You have

672
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:07,560
Speaker 2: to be open to like the rhythm of it all,

673
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:13,160
Speaker 2: and to not go in with preconceived notions right that

674
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:16,600
Speaker 2: The short answer is pretty much anything you've heard in

675
00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,080
Speaker 2: a rap song or like.

676
00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:19,920
Speaker 5: It's like.

677
00:36:21,719 --> 00:36:24,560
Speaker 2: Read in a book is wrong, right, Like there's no

678
00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:29,200
Speaker 2: preset way to get there, right in terms of like

679
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:32,359
Speaker 2: just nerding out sex for sex edges for a little bit, right.

680
00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:38,200
Speaker 2: The pathway to from arousal to orgasm for most women

681
00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:43,080
Speaker 2: is around the twenty to twenty five minutes. The pathway

682
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:46,680
Speaker 2: from arousal to orgasm for the average man is about

683
00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:52,439
Speaker 2: six minutes. So you're already operating on two different wavelengths, right,

684
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:54,600
Speaker 2: which is me Which is why we have to start

685
00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:57,560
Speaker 2: stop talking about for play and talking all about the

686
00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:00,600
Speaker 2: experience of pleasure and being together, because you're going to

687
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:02,960
Speaker 2: need to find ways to ride that wave. Right as

688
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:05,520
Speaker 2: you start cresting, he got ready to just go for

689
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:07,200
Speaker 2: the finish line. We have to help him pull it

690
00:37:07,239 --> 00:37:08,840
Speaker 2: back to keep you present.

691
00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:09,160
Speaker 3: Right.

692
00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:13,839
Speaker 2: So a lot of things are happening, both physiologically and

693
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:20,880
Speaker 2: psychologically that can make orgasm with a partner difficult. I

694
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:23,440
Speaker 2: think practically one of the things that comes up a

695
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:26,719
Speaker 2: lot in the work that I do with clients is

696
00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:30,879
Speaker 2: because women aren't having pleasurable experiences with their partners, they're

697
00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:35,560
Speaker 2: not interested in having sex, and so the less interested

698
00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:37,560
Speaker 2: they are in and having sex, the less sex that

699
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:39,960
Speaker 2: they have, so the less opportunity there is for them

700
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,080
Speaker 2: to have orgasms with their partner, and it becomes this

701
00:37:42,239 --> 00:37:44,520
Speaker 2: really vicious negative cycle.

702
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:45,839
Speaker 3: So one is to like not.

703
00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:49,120
Speaker 2: Let that cycle sort of take root. And that does

704
00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:53,160
Speaker 2: really come with your ability to advocate, talk about, figure

705
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:58,399
Speaker 2: it out, try things out, be curious. Did I answer

706
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:01,120
Speaker 2: your question? I feel like I.

707
00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:03,480
Speaker 3: Like answered three different questions than the one. No, that

708
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:05,280
Speaker 3: was if I need to go back and pray?

709
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:08,000
Speaker 5: Okay, that was all valuable information.

710
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:12,799
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yes, I'm just thinking about how you talked

711
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:15,160
Speaker 1: about having a conversation with your partner, and I'm sure

712
00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:18,160
Speaker 1: many of us can think back to our younger years.

713
00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:21,759
Speaker 1: I'm assuming that we have similar experiences where we maybe

714
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:25,240
Speaker 1: were not as communicative, you know, younger with the initial partners,

715
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:27,799
Speaker 1: and as we got to the grown woman age, it

716
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:28,719
Speaker 1: was like, let me sell you.

717
00:38:28,719 --> 00:38:30,040
Speaker 3: You say it in a way that's going to be

718
00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:31,799
Speaker 3: received right, but you're able to communicate more.

719
00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:34,560
Speaker 1: But for people who maybe just be in different phases

720
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:36,800
Speaker 1: of the journey, what are some ways that Black women

721
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,479
Speaker 1: who are looking to be more confident in talking about

722
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,920
Speaker 1: sex with their partner, what are some ways that they

723
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:46,200
Speaker 1: can initiate that dialogue with them, because you know, sometimes

724
00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:50,640
Speaker 1: if they're in a heterosexual relationship, the means it's ego.

725
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:51,920
Speaker 3: And they don't know how to take here right.

726
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:55,040
Speaker 1: So like a ways to have those conversations, especially when

727
00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:56,040
Speaker 1: you think about I forget the.

728
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:56,759
Speaker 5: Word that you use.

729
00:38:56,840 --> 00:39:00,759
Speaker 2: But the was it the journey to orgasm? Yes, yes, yes,

730
00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:03,920
Speaker 2: the pathway from a rousal to for arousal. It's like

731
00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:07,040
Speaker 2: this car disconnected. So we gotta were much in math

732
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:10,839
Speaker 2: this out. Yes, it's it's almost a time. It's like

733
00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:12,080
Speaker 2: three times as long.

734
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:12,799
Speaker 3: Right.

735
00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:17,719
Speaker 2: So if you don't have that basic education right or information,

736
00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:19,280
Speaker 2: then it does become about ego.

737
00:39:19,719 --> 00:39:20,760
Speaker 3: You can say, well, what you're.

738
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:22,200
Speaker 2: Trying to say, Well, ain't nobody else say we had

739
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:23,640
Speaker 2: no problem with me, girl, I know how to put

740
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:25,520
Speaker 2: it in. Like all of that stuff starts to come up.

741
00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:29,080
Speaker 2: A lot of them other people was faking it and

742
00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:32,400
Speaker 2: they was lying. I'm here to tell you. Let's start there. Ladies,

743
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:34,520
Speaker 2: don't believe him when he say that a lot of

744
00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:36,439
Speaker 2: the other people was lying and they'd a major job

745
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:38,719
Speaker 2: that much harder just I made it to you.

746
00:39:39,719 --> 00:39:41,279
Speaker 3: So what I always tell folks.

747
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:47,360
Speaker 8: Is to make sure that you are keeping joy, pleasure

748
00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:49,920
Speaker 8: and fun at the at the at the center, right

749
00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:52,839
Speaker 8: Like let the moment you start to like say he

750
00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:55,200
Speaker 8: ain't doing it right, right, like this is something that

751
00:39:55,239 --> 00:39:58,319
Speaker 8: needs to be fixed or this is a problem, then

752
00:39:58,320 --> 00:39:59,120
Speaker 8: everybody's tense.

753
00:39:59,200 --> 00:39:59,359
Speaker 5: Right.

754
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:04,399
Speaker 2: No, there's the pathway forward becomes much more narrow, right,

755
00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:07,360
Speaker 2: So we want to not lean into blame and shame.

756
00:40:07,480 --> 00:40:11,680
Speaker 2: Nobody's responsible, Right, we have to figure this out together, right,

757
00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:17,000
Speaker 2: and you know good old feedback that is best received, right,

758
00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:22,400
Speaker 2: positive negative, positive, Right, we can always go with that sandwich.

759
00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:25,680
Speaker 2: But the other piece is to really approach it. So

760
00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:28,440
Speaker 2: I would say that positive negative positive with the like

761
00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:32,480
Speaker 2: I really enjoy being with you, Like it is so

762
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:36,040
Speaker 2: wonderful that we get to have this time together, and

763
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:40,520
Speaker 2: being with you feels so good. I'm having a wonderful time,

764
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:45,760
Speaker 2: like building this part of our relationship together. And sometimes

765
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 2: I'm not having the type of climax that I would like,

766
00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:50,040
Speaker 2: or I'm not reach a orgasm as much as i

767
00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,520
Speaker 2: would like, And I feel like with just a few

768
00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:55,839
Speaker 2: little tweaks maybe we could get there. Is there, like

769
00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:59,800
Speaker 2: something you would be open to us having a conversation about, right,

770
00:41:00,239 --> 00:41:03,040
Speaker 2: I think it's good for you. I wanted to just

771
00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:05,719
Speaker 2: you know, be a little bit better for me. Is

772
00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:08,719
Speaker 2: that something we can sort of figure out and play with, Right,

773
00:41:09,239 --> 00:41:11,680
Speaker 2: the more you can make it playful, that it is

774
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:14,080
Speaker 2: something that you get to build together, that we can

775
00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:16,839
Speaker 2: enter it with curiosity that we have a discussion rather

776
00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:18,360
Speaker 2: than a laundry list that you need to do this

777
00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:20,440
Speaker 2: and do that, and my old one used to do like,

778
00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:21,720
Speaker 2: that's not what this is about.

779
00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:26,160
Speaker 3: Right, And also to not make it about skill.

780
00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:27,719
Speaker 5: Right.

781
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:31,240
Speaker 2: We can always build skills, but we can build skills

782
00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:34,520
Speaker 2: with the partner that we're with, right. And so this

783
00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:37,279
Speaker 2: is again we're knowing your own body also will help.

784
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:37,640
Speaker 5: Right.

785
00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:39,920
Speaker 2: The other thing is which I want to make sure

786
00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:41,839
Speaker 2: to say, like, we're not having this conversation in the

787
00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:45,600
Speaker 2: middle of right, this is this is a separate place

788
00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:49,879
Speaker 2: and time type of conversation that we're having, and then

789
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:53,560
Speaker 2: when we're in it, we get to say with a

790
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:58,200
Speaker 2: little bit more confidence and like agreement of like okay,

791
00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:00,719
Speaker 2: just right there, just a little bit, that's too much,

792
00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:03,839
Speaker 2: just wait, slow down, give me a second, I'm almost there.

793
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:05,640
Speaker 3: Right. You could talk him through it the same way

794
00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:06,440
Speaker 3: you want.

795
00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:09,959
Speaker 2: To talk you through it, right, But to have that

796
00:42:10,239 --> 00:42:13,640
Speaker 2: in outside of the bedroom quote unquote right, So when

797
00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:16,920
Speaker 2: we're not because that I mean that would be that

798
00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:24,040
Speaker 2: would feel highly vulnerable and essentially like rejection sensitive for anybody, right,

799
00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:25,840
Speaker 2: I mean, we are vulnerable when we make it like

800
00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:27,600
Speaker 2: there's no way around that, whether you're you know you're

801
00:42:27,640 --> 00:42:29,120
Speaker 2: choosing to be there, you're having a good time, but

802
00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:31,400
Speaker 2: you are like naked, So now's not the time to

803
00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:34,240
Speaker 2: come up with the critique, which is why the outside

804
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:36,440
Speaker 2: of the bedroom time is the time to have that conversation.

805
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:40,399
Speaker 2: And then if it doesn't happen like no harm, no foul,

806
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:44,480
Speaker 2: we still have fun. Right, we'll try again next time.

807
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:46,120
Speaker 2: I will say one last thing, and then I will

808
00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:50,719
Speaker 2: stop talking about this. I think the other biggest problem

809
00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:53,680
Speaker 2: quote unquote that I see a lot of couples have

810
00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:57,200
Speaker 2: is like if it didn't work out, then we just stop,

811
00:42:57,400 --> 00:43:00,399
Speaker 2: or it gets awkward, then we just stop, right.

812
00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:01,480
Speaker 3: And the.

813
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:06,759
Speaker 2: That comes out of like sex being this achievement oriented thing,

814
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:08,759
Speaker 2: right where we think that orgasm is the goal, and

815
00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:11,120
Speaker 2: so if we didn't have orgasm, then we failed. And

816
00:43:11,239 --> 00:43:15,520
Speaker 2: if you focus on pleasure as the goal at pleasure

817
00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:18,840
Speaker 2: in the process, then if things don't quite go the

818
00:43:18,840 --> 00:43:21,279
Speaker 2: way that you thought, then let's just slow it down.

819
00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:21,719
Speaker 3: We can.

820
00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:23,719
Speaker 2: We can bring it back down to a simber. It

821
00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:25,799
Speaker 2: went from a rolling boil, and we're gonna bring it

822
00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:29,400
Speaker 2: back down to a simmer. Right, We're gonna stay cuddled up,

823
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:32,040
Speaker 2: We're gonna do a little caressing, a little rubbing, maybe

824
00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:34,959
Speaker 2: some kissing, Maybe we could have a little little pillow talk,

825
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,439
Speaker 2: and then we can warm it back up again, right,

826
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:41,080
Speaker 2: So to not think about it as like, oh, another

827
00:43:41,120 --> 00:43:44,520
Speaker 2: time would didn't work again? And it's all of that

828
00:43:44,520 --> 00:43:49,879
Speaker 2: that actually keeps the arousal building and that is what

829
00:43:50,320 --> 00:43:53,080
Speaker 2: that is what actually leads to orgasms. Because the other

830
00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:54,840
Speaker 2: piece that you didn't ask about, doctor dom, but I

831
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:56,759
Speaker 2: think it's a whole other conversation that we need to

832
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:59,080
Speaker 2: be having more and more mobile. It's not like whether

833
00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:01,479
Speaker 2: I had an orgasm, but what is the quality, the length,

834
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:05,440
Speaker 2: and the intensity of that orgasm? Because yeah, because I

835
00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:08,160
Speaker 2: can have one, I can have.

836
00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:10,920
Speaker 3: One great points, But can I have one that's.

837
00:44:10,760 --> 00:44:13,200
Speaker 2: Gonna make me make me throw your whole two hundred

838
00:44:13,239 --> 00:44:15,799
Speaker 2: and fifty pounds self off my body because I just

839
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:17,400
Speaker 2: had a Am I gonna have one that gave me

840
00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:19,279
Speaker 2: a whole outer body experience? I'm gonna have one that's

841
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:21,560
Speaker 2: gonna leave me with aftershocks for the next thirty minutes,

842
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:24,720
Speaker 2: Like these are the types of orgasms that I want.

843
00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:28,799
Speaker 2: So now we have to start really thinking about how

844
00:44:28,800 --> 00:44:30,880
Speaker 2: do we how do we cook together?

845
00:44:31,000 --> 00:44:32,760
Speaker 3: Right? How do we do this together?

846
00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:36,239
Speaker 2: So we both are having those types of experiences. And

847
00:44:36,320 --> 00:44:39,920
Speaker 2: for any any fellows that are listening, I guarantee you

848
00:44:41,880 --> 00:44:44,320
Speaker 2: if you create a set of circumstances where that happens,

849
00:44:44,520 --> 00:44:46,840
Speaker 2: you're not gonna be the one always asking her for sex.

850
00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:49,400
Speaker 2: You're not gonna have You're not gonna say, ever that

851
00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:50,880
Speaker 2: she has a low sex drive.

852
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:53,320
Speaker 3: She's not. She probably doesn't.

853
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:55,520
Speaker 2: She's just not that motivated to go through all the

854
00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:58,040
Speaker 2: rigamarole for the little bitty baby gasm that you get

855
00:44:58,040 --> 00:45:01,480
Speaker 2: on occasion. You got to take her there and she

856
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:04,000
Speaker 2: will then be making time on the calendar. Them kids

857
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:06,560
Speaker 2: will go to bed on time. I promise you that

858
00:45:06,600 --> 00:45:09,880
Speaker 2: dishwasher will be loaded, legs will be shaved by, it

859
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:10,560
Speaker 2: will not be on.

860
00:45:11,320 --> 00:45:13,520
Speaker 3: But you've got to get her there.

861
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:17,719
Speaker 2: Okay, if that was gonna have growl with a conversation,

862
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:20,600
Speaker 2: you did, and you listen and listen.

863
00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:26,320
Speaker 5: And we are here for it. So in that same

864
00:45:26,920 --> 00:45:36,920
Speaker 5: vein of recognizing that women do have desire and that

865
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:42,719
Speaker 5: women will be motivated to do things to achieat to

866
00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:50,320
Speaker 5: have sexual experiences and encounters when circumstances are.

867
00:45:50,239 --> 00:45:51,560
Speaker 3: Right, So.

868
00:45:53,239 --> 00:45:59,920
Speaker 5: Talk to us about what are the general circumstances that

869
00:46:00,440 --> 00:46:04,439
Speaker 5: because we know that when I say circumstances are right,

870
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:11,719
Speaker 5: it's more than just cute conversation, flirty conversation that gets

871
00:46:11,719 --> 00:46:14,799
Speaker 5: a woman to that point, gets a woman aroused, gets

872
00:46:14,800 --> 00:46:19,000
Speaker 5: a woman to a space of actually desiring a particular partner.

873
00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:22,200
Speaker 5: What are those things that have to be in place

874
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:26,279
Speaker 5: or though for that arousal and that desire to come

875
00:46:26,280 --> 00:46:26,840
Speaker 5: into play.

876
00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:30,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, So this is where the sex science has come

877
00:46:30,640 --> 00:46:32,680
Speaker 2: a long way, and I'm grateful for it. So one

878
00:46:32,680 --> 00:46:35,520
Speaker 2: of the biggest names in sex research is Emilie Nagowski,

879
00:46:35,800 --> 00:46:40,400
Speaker 2: and she's talked a lot about sort of the contributors

880
00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:45,560
Speaker 2: to desire and to one we have to recognize whether

881
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:49,880
Speaker 2: we have what's called spontaneous desire or responsive desire. And

882
00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:54,800
Speaker 2: spontaneous desire is really like it's Tuesday, I could have sex.

883
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:57,520
Speaker 2: It's just like that would be good?

884
00:46:57,640 --> 00:46:58,520
Speaker 3: Right about that? What else?

885
00:46:58,560 --> 00:47:01,919
Speaker 2: Am I doing nothing else? Or it's like Netflix or

886
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:05,200
Speaker 2: a movie or sex? Yes, let's do sex, right, It's

887
00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:09,920
Speaker 2: just let's go right. And some women have that right.

888
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:12,319
Speaker 2: This is not a gender thing either. I think that

889
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:16,840
Speaker 2: through some conditioning, I do think that there's a higher

890
00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:21,319
Speaker 2: proportion of men who have spontaneous desire than women. But

891
00:47:21,560 --> 00:47:25,759
Speaker 2: women and men can have both spontaneous desire, but then

892
00:47:25,800 --> 00:47:29,760
Speaker 2: there's also responsive desire. And the vast majority of clients

893
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:31,160
Speaker 2: that come to me and work with me, and the

894
00:47:31,239 --> 00:47:33,600
Speaker 2: vast majority of women that sort of struggle with this

895
00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:37,040
Speaker 2: piece that you're talking about, have what's called responsive desire.

896
00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:39,480
Speaker 2: And it's not that they're not interested in sex. It's

897
00:47:39,520 --> 00:47:42,359
Speaker 2: not that they don't find sex pleasurable or enjoyable or

898
00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:44,799
Speaker 2: even fun. It's not that they don't want to have

899
00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:47,520
Speaker 2: that type of intimacy with their partner. It's that there's

900
00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:51,000
Speaker 2: so many other things in their mind and their landscape

901
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:55,719
Speaker 2: and their context that are distractions that don't allow them

902
00:47:55,800 --> 00:48:00,359
Speaker 2: to get into their body enough to then to have

903
00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:01,280
Speaker 2: that desire.

904
00:48:01,360 --> 00:48:03,000
Speaker 3: So that's what the responsive part is.

905
00:48:03,360 --> 00:48:05,320
Speaker 2: And the way that I describe it with my clients

906
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:08,440
Speaker 2: is like you have to sort of have to say, hey, girl, right, like, oh,

907
00:48:08,480 --> 00:48:11,439
Speaker 2: the sex is over there. And as soon as you hey,

908
00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:15,080
Speaker 2: I remember you, right, It's like, it's not that she

909
00:48:15,640 --> 00:48:18,160
Speaker 2: doesn't like sex, you're just like, girl forgot she was

910
00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:24,640
Speaker 2: over there. So that the conditions, right, that the sort

911
00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:29,480
Speaker 2: of context has to engage that responsive.

912
00:48:28,880 --> 00:48:29,719
Speaker 3: Desire, right.

913
00:48:30,320 --> 00:48:32,920
Speaker 2: And so here's again where I tell folks like, if

914
00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:35,600
Speaker 2: you've ever seen it in a rom com or ready

915
00:48:35,719 --> 00:48:38,640
Speaker 2: in a romance novel or whatever, in real life, it

916
00:48:38,680 --> 00:48:41,719
Speaker 2: don't work like And it's like, whenever I bring these

917
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:45,800
Speaker 2: examples up, especially with couples, the men are always like

918
00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:48,719
Speaker 2: like yeah, oh really, Like you can't walk by and

919
00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:51,400
Speaker 2: squeeze her ass, and like while she washing dishes and

920
00:48:51,440 --> 00:48:53,759
Speaker 2: she's gonna be like, yeah, let's go get No, she

921
00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:58,920
Speaker 2: washing dishes, her hands are inserpent, soapy, dirty water. She's

922
00:48:58,920 --> 00:49:01,440
Speaker 2: thinking about that meeting she got tomorrow with that woman

923
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:03,759
Speaker 2: that she can't stay. And she got thinking about whether

924
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:05,239
Speaker 2: she got to go to the grocery store. Does she

925
00:49:05,239 --> 00:49:07,360
Speaker 2: have a nail appointment with the traffic she is not,

926
00:49:07,480 --> 00:49:09,719
Speaker 2: And you coming by to squeeze her ass while she's

927
00:49:09,719 --> 00:49:13,520
Speaker 2: doing all that is like it's respectful, it's disruptive, it's

928
00:49:13,520 --> 00:49:14,440
Speaker 2: like what do you want?

929
00:49:14,560 --> 00:49:17,480
Speaker 3: Like it's nothing sexy happening in that moment.

930
00:49:18,200 --> 00:49:20,040
Speaker 2: That doesn't mean that you just have to sort of

931
00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:24,279
Speaker 2: like wait, right, but it means you do need to

932
00:49:24,320 --> 00:49:29,520
Speaker 2: have some awareness of what will help her feel sexy. Right,

933
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:33,040
Speaker 2: So look for those opportunities and for women too. You're

934
00:49:33,080 --> 00:49:37,200
Speaker 2: responsible for your own intimacy and your own level of

935
00:49:37,239 --> 00:49:39,960
Speaker 2: pleasure enjoining your relationship. Right, So if you're listening to

936
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:41,799
Speaker 2: this and you think, oh, that kind of does sound

937
00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:45,000
Speaker 2: like me, then the subsequent questions are for you to

938
00:49:45,040 --> 00:49:47,120
Speaker 2: think about what are the things that not only turn

939
00:49:47,239 --> 00:49:50,200
Speaker 2: you off or are the things that turn you on?

940
00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:52,879
Speaker 3: Right? Sometimes we focus on one or the other.

941
00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:56,959
Speaker 2: But the science research, what the sex research says, it's

942
00:49:57,000 --> 00:49:59,919
Speaker 2: like you really do have to turn off the off

943
00:50:01,239 --> 00:50:03,120
Speaker 2: more than you have to turn on the ons. And

944
00:50:03,280 --> 00:50:05,359
Speaker 2: that's where that responses piece comes in.

945
00:50:05,520 --> 00:50:05,759
Speaker 3: Right.

946
00:50:06,320 --> 00:50:08,319
Speaker 2: It means like the engine is ready to go, but

947
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:09,880
Speaker 2: we just got to find the key.

948
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:12,200
Speaker 3: So turning the off offs right.

949
00:50:12,239 --> 00:50:14,359
Speaker 2: So if you know, like I can't have sex if

950
00:50:14,440 --> 00:50:17,040
Speaker 2: I'm like sweating and gross and I haven't had a shower,

951
00:50:17,560 --> 00:50:19,560
Speaker 2: then make sure you keep time in the schedule in

952
00:50:19,600 --> 00:50:22,919
Speaker 2: the nighttime as part of your wine down to get

953
00:50:22,960 --> 00:50:27,520
Speaker 2: that shower or I'm go to bed at nine thirty

954
00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:31,000
Speaker 2: because I'd be real tired. Will set that alarm for

955
00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:33,440
Speaker 2: four am, Go get that shower and come back to

956
00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:35,680
Speaker 2: the bedroom. We got to rethink some things. We got

957
00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:37,839
Speaker 2: to get it in before the babies wake up. But

958
00:50:37,960 --> 00:50:41,600
Speaker 2: don't just like rely on life to create the context

959
00:50:41,640 --> 00:50:46,719
Speaker 2: for you. Right, so get curious about, oh, what are

960
00:50:46,719 --> 00:50:49,200
Speaker 2: the things that like turn me on? And how can

961
00:50:49,239 --> 00:50:53,600
Speaker 2: I tell my partner to help him help me so

962
00:50:53,680 --> 00:50:56,640
Speaker 2: we could do this together, right, and for partners to

963
00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:59,680
Speaker 2: also be aware of, like, don't use this as emotional manipulation.

964
00:50:59,800 --> 00:50:59,880
Speaker 7: Right.

965
00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:04,120
Speaker 2: This isn't about sort of gaining her, but it's about

966
00:51:04,200 --> 00:51:07,400
Speaker 2: thinking about how we work together in the dynamic so

967
00:51:07,440 --> 00:51:10,600
Speaker 2: that we can create the sort of context experiences that

968
00:51:10,600 --> 00:51:13,560
Speaker 2: we want to have for the well being betterman, joy,

969
00:51:13,600 --> 00:51:16,160
Speaker 2: pleasure or connection, satisfaction of our relationship.

970
00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:20,960
Speaker 1: Beautifully stated, And that is so helpful. We appreciate you

971
00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:21,920
Speaker 1: so much, doctor Nikki.

972
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:25,359
Speaker 3: And time is fine, I know. Yeah. One last question

973
00:51:25,560 --> 00:51:26,440
Speaker 3: was dom has another one.

974
00:51:26,480 --> 00:51:29,640
Speaker 1: I want to know what are What's something that you

975
00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:33,759
Speaker 1: wish people understood about sex therapy and sex therapist because

976
00:51:33,760 --> 00:51:36,719
Speaker 1: I think sometimes it's like a negative connotation associated with those.

977
00:51:36,920 --> 00:51:39,279
Speaker 2: Yes yes, yes, yes, but you don't have to have

978
00:51:39,320 --> 00:51:42,320
Speaker 2: some sort of sexual dysfunction to go to sex therapy,

979
00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:46,600
Speaker 2: and that a good deal of the sex therapy is

980
00:51:46,719 --> 00:51:51,040
Speaker 2: about the psychological sort of conditions that we just talked about, right,

981
00:51:51,120 --> 00:51:55,120
Speaker 2: It's about the sense of emotional intimacy, and it's also

982
00:51:55,520 --> 00:51:57,840
Speaker 2: a space to get that education because there are folks

983
00:51:57,840 --> 00:51:59,960
Speaker 2: that were right, like, there's been a lot of stuff

984
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:03,360
Speaker 2: that's sort of been missed. I do that work individual

985
00:52:03,480 --> 00:52:05,880
Speaker 2: and in couples therapies. So sex therapy can be for

986
00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:08,960
Speaker 2: an individual, it could be with a couple, So it

987
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:15,320
Speaker 2: doesn't have to be like this dysfunctional disrupted, like problematic behavior.

988
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:18,520
Speaker 2: It can be for that, but it doesn't have to

989
00:52:18,600 --> 00:52:20,960
Speaker 2: be for that, right, And I think the other thing

990
00:52:21,080 --> 00:52:24,279
Speaker 2: is that you know, like sex therapists are not going

991
00:52:24,360 --> 00:52:27,440
Speaker 2: to ever see you having sex, right, that's not a

992
00:52:27,440 --> 00:52:27,840
Speaker 2: part of it.

993
00:52:27,880 --> 00:52:29,719
Speaker 3: I don't see anybody.

994
00:52:29,239 --> 00:52:32,440
Speaker 2: Parts, Like I don't need you to demonstrate anything for me.

995
00:52:33,160 --> 00:52:37,720
Speaker 2: And that also means that we can talk openly about

996
00:52:37,760 --> 00:52:39,960
Speaker 2: sex too. So I think a lot of people they

997
00:52:39,960 --> 00:52:41,799
Speaker 2: don't know, they don't know if they should use like,

998
00:52:42,040 --> 00:52:45,319
Speaker 2: you know, anatomical terms or like is it okay if

999
00:52:45,360 --> 00:52:47,080
Speaker 2: I just say, like what it is, like we can

1000
00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:50,560
Speaker 2: talk and slang open language as well, right, that this

1001
00:52:50,680 --> 00:52:53,799
Speaker 2: should be a shame free environment. And then the last

1002
00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:56,120
Speaker 2: thing I will say is that not all sex therapists

1003
00:52:56,120 --> 00:52:58,520
Speaker 2: are good sex therapists. And so if you ever or

1004
00:52:58,680 --> 00:53:01,880
Speaker 2: all therapists are good therapist to talk about sex. And

1005
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:05,120
Speaker 2: so if you do ever feel shamed or judged, then

1006
00:53:05,760 --> 00:53:08,840
Speaker 2: that's probably not the right therapist for you. You know, outside

1007
00:53:08,880 --> 00:53:13,960
Speaker 2: of behavior that is in fact problematic, harmful, abusive, my predatory.

1008
00:53:14,239 --> 00:53:18,040
Speaker 2: But if you're talking about your desires and your experiences,

1009
00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:20,840
Speaker 2: it should not be minimized or shamed.

1010
00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:26,160
Speaker 5: Thank you so much with us today, and you have

1011
00:53:26,239 --> 00:53:31,560
Speaker 5: dropped so much helpful information. And I know our listeners

1012
00:53:31,560 --> 00:53:35,040
Speaker 5: are going to want to connect with you, so let's

1013
00:53:35,239 --> 00:53:39,240
Speaker 5: share with them where they can find you and how

1014
00:53:39,280 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 5: they can get your services.

1015
00:53:41,880 --> 00:53:44,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you can find me on pretty much at

1016
00:53:44,480 --> 00:53:48,360
Speaker 2: all social media platforms at doctor Nikki nos d r

1017
00:53:48,680 --> 00:53:53,680
Speaker 2: n I kki k n ows. That's also my website

1018
00:53:53,880 --> 00:53:55,719
Speaker 2: and the best way to work with me is you

1019
00:53:55,719 --> 00:53:57,279
Speaker 2: can go to my website and you can see the

1020
00:53:57,320 --> 00:53:59,880
Speaker 2: services that I offer. You can schedule a free consultation

1021
00:54:00,640 --> 00:54:04,320
Speaker 2: with me for therapy services if you're in the Houston area.

1022
00:54:04,680 --> 00:54:07,680
Speaker 2: I'm going to be offering live in person workshops around

1023
00:54:08,239 --> 00:54:12,000
Speaker 2: for black women around pleasure, intimacy, authenticity, and self compassion,

1024
00:54:12,440 --> 00:54:15,720
Speaker 2: all of those things. My services are. My therapy services,

1025
00:54:15,719 --> 00:54:18,919
Speaker 2: I should say, are fully virtual and online but I

1026
00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:22,560
Speaker 2: am able to do teletherrapy in about forty six states,

1027
00:54:22,640 --> 00:54:25,160
Speaker 2: so it's a high likelihood that I can do therapy

1028
00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:28,680
Speaker 2: where you're located. If any of this sounds like stuff

1029
00:54:28,719 --> 00:54:31,359
Speaker 2: that makes sense to you, or the type of work

1030
00:54:31,360 --> 00:54:34,879
Speaker 2: that you think you would benefit from, absolutely reach out

1031
00:54:34,920 --> 00:54:39,200
Speaker 2: to me. This is my life's joy and I'm open

1032
00:54:39,239 --> 00:54:41,279
Speaker 2: for new clients, and if I'm not, I'll tell you

1033
00:54:41,440 --> 00:54:43,040
Speaker 2: like I'm booked. I don't like take people on a

1034
00:54:43,080 --> 00:54:46,080
Speaker 2: wait list, but I am currently open for new clients.

1035
00:54:46,360 --> 00:54:47,200
Speaker 3: And even if you're.

1036
00:54:47,040 --> 00:54:48,520
Speaker 2: Not ready to work with me, check out all my

1037
00:54:48,600 --> 00:54:52,439
Speaker 2: shenanigans on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, all the places I've got

1038
00:54:52,440 --> 00:54:54,279
Speaker 2: things to say about, all the things.

1039
00:54:55,600 --> 00:54:57,640
Speaker 3: Thank you, doctor making thank.

1040
00:54:57,400 --> 00:54:59,839
Speaker 5: You as doctor.

1041
00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:03,680
Speaker 6: I'm here from the Cultivating her Space podcast. Are you

1042
00:55:03,960 --> 00:55:08,040
Speaker 6: currently a resident of the state of California and contemplating

1043
00:55:08,120 --> 00:55:12,600
Speaker 6: starting your therapy journey, Well, if so, please reach out

1044
00:55:12,640 --> 00:55:17,399
Speaker 6: to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com. That's d

1045
00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:22,160
Speaker 6: R D O M I N I q U E

1046
00:55:22,920 --> 00:55:27,960
Speaker 6: b R O U ss ar D dot com to

1047
00:55:28,080 --> 00:55:31,040
Speaker 6: schedule a free fifteen minute consultation.

1048
00:55:31,640 --> 00:55:35,760
Speaker 4: I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning

1049
00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:40,160
Speaker 4: into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while this podcast is

1050
00:55:40,200 --> 00:55:44,960
Speaker 4: all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's not a substitute

1051
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:48,960
Speaker 4: for therapy. If you are someone you know need support,

1052
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:53,840
Speaker 4: check out resources like Therapy for Black Girls for Psychology Today.

1053
00:55:54,680 --> 00:55:57,680
Speaker 4: If you love today's episode, do us a favor and

1054
00:55:57,760 --> 00:56:01,000
Speaker 4: share it with a friend who needs some inspiration or

1055
00:56:01,640 --> 00:56:05,040
Speaker 4: leave us a quick five star review. Your support needs

1056
00:56:05,120 --> 00:56:08,160
Speaker 4: the world to us and helps keep this space thriving.

1057
00:56:08,719 --> 00:56:13,440
Speaker 1: And before we meet again, repeat after me, I release

1058
00:56:13,520 --> 00:56:17,120
Speaker 1: the old with gratitude and prepare for the new with intention.

1059
00:56:18,600 --> 00:56:21,719
Speaker 1: Cheap driving Lady, and tune in next Friday for more

1060
00:56:21,800 --> 00:56:26,399
Speaker 1: inspiration from Cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure

1061
00:56:26,400 --> 00:56:30,000
Speaker 1: to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast