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Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the

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Speaker 1: Death of Me, a production of I Heart Radio. Thank You, Dallas.

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Speaker 1: That's a very very warm welcome. I know it's gonna

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Speaker 1: be one of those nights because it always is in Dallas.

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Speaker 1: It's always one of those nights. And that's why I

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Speaker 1: always come back here when I go on tour. I Um,

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Speaker 1: I haven't been on tour in a really long time,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't feel like standing up while I was

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Speaker 1: doing it, so and I didn't want to go on

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Speaker 1: tour until I had something to say. And so this

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Speaker 1: is me with something to say. I wrote a new book.

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Speaker 1: It's called Life Will Be the Death of Me, and um,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna read the first chapter of the book to

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Speaker 1: set the tone for everybody about where I was in

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Speaker 1: my life when I wrote this. The book is dedicated

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Speaker 1: to my future husband, whoever he is. If you're here,

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Speaker 1: if you're a straight man here tonight by yourself. There

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Speaker 1: are no straight men here by themselves, no fucking way,

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Speaker 1: And if they are, they're seventy. The chapter is called

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Speaker 1: where have I Been All my life? I don't remember

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Speaker 1: the actor and I don't remember the movie, but I

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Speaker 1: remember it was five o'clock in the afternoon, and I

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Speaker 1: had just taken a couple of hits off of my

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Speaker 1: vape pen. I needed to load my picks account, which

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Speaker 1: held pre released movies that I was expected to screen

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Speaker 1: before a star of one of the movies was a

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Speaker 1: guest on my Netflix talk show. I was sitting on

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Speaker 1: one of my overpriced Shaise lounges, the kind that celebrities

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Speaker 1: and Russians purchased for their bedrooms, when I found myself

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Speaker 1: once again unable to convert the TV that descends from

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Speaker 1: the ceiling from Apple TV two picks rich people have

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Speaker 1: descending to smart television's. The idea is that they descend

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Speaker 1: silently and gracefully from the ceiling, But because I am

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Speaker 1: nouveau che rich, mine sounds more like a helicopter is

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Speaker 1: fucking landing. I'd like to blame my inability to change

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Speaker 1: the mode of my television picks on the fact that

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Speaker 1: I was stoned, but that would be a lie. I'd

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Speaker 1: be even less capable if I were sober. I called

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Speaker 1: my assistant Brandon at his house to tell him to

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Speaker 1: tell my other assistant, Tanner, who was downstairs in my house,

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Speaker 1: to come upstairs and help me with the television. I

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Speaker 1: hung up the phone. I looked down at the table

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Speaker 1: and saw the vait pen. How many more hits of

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Speaker 1: marijuana am I gonna need to take to get through

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Speaker 1: this movie? I knew things that hit a new low

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Speaker 1: or high, depending on how you looked at the situation.

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Speaker 1: I picked up the iPad that controls the TV along

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Speaker 1: with everything else in my house, from the window shades

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Speaker 1: to the exterior lights in my backyard to my pulse

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Speaker 1: probably and tried to pretend that I was troubleshooting so

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Speaker 1: that Tanner would think I had at least tried to

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Speaker 1: figure it out on my own, as if that had

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Speaker 1: ever happened before. How did I become so useless? And

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Speaker 1: how many assistants did I actually have? The answer is

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Speaker 1: to Brandon and Tanner. Brandon is gay and has an

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Speaker 1: incredible attention to detail. Tanner is straight, and before he

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Speaker 1: met me, he thought the Four Seasons was a weather pattern.

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Speaker 1: Before I met Tanner, I thought Venma was an online

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Speaker 1: liquor store. I didn't want to watch another stupid movie

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Speaker 1: that I didn't care about, and I really didn't want

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Speaker 1: to interview another action star blow viating about his motivation

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Speaker 1: for playing a half man, half mur made. I didn't care,

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Speaker 1: and I wasn't doing anyone any favors by pretending that

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Speaker 1: I did. Did I ever care? The answer is yes.

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Speaker 1: There was a time when all of this mattered to me.

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Speaker 1: There was a time when being famous and having this

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Speaker 1: kind of success and money and having a TV show

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Speaker 1: was what drove me to want more and more and more.

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Speaker 1: And now I found myself exhausted and ashamed by the

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Speaker 1: meaninglessness of it all. I remember coming home a couple

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Speaker 1: of weeks before the two thousand and sixteen election on

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Speaker 1: a windy fall night, which for Los Angeles is rare.

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Speaker 1: Anytime there's weather in Los Angeles, even rain, it's exciting.

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Speaker 1: The constant sunshine can start to grade on your nerves.

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Speaker 1: I went up to my bedroom, I opened up my

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Speaker 1: sliding glass doors, I grabbed my vapen, and I turned

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Speaker 1: on some Neil Young and I lay on my bed

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Speaker 1: in the dark, watching the wind blow my bedroom drapes around,

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Speaker 1: hearing the ruffling of the leaves, and watching that lanterns

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Speaker 1: that hang from my backyard trees swinging into each other,

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Speaker 1: thinking if there's an electrical fire, I hope the dogs

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Speaker 1: will at least bark to wake me up. But overall,

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Speaker 1: my thought was, this is fucking awesome. This is exactly

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Speaker 1: what I hoped adulthood would be like. No kids, no husband,

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Speaker 1: no responsibilities, just a TV show on Netflix and whatever

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Speaker 1: else I felt like doing whenever I felt like doing it.

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Speaker 1: Not trapped, not stock, not dependent on a single person,

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Speaker 1: but myself, free to be you and me. I couldn't

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Speaker 1: believe how lucky my life had turned out, how many

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Speaker 1: of my dreams had come true, and also my good

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Speaker 1: fortune in being alive during this time in history, the

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Speaker 1: year we were going to elect our first female president

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Speaker 1: that didn't happen. I suppose I could blame my state

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Speaker 1: of mind on the election of Donald Trump, so I

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Speaker 1: will I have the Trump family and their horrifying personalities

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Speaker 1: and was disgusting veneers to thank for my midlife crisis,

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Speaker 1: along with more than half the population of the world.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't grasp how in this day and age we

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Speaker 1: elected a man who insulted everybody he's insulted and done

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Speaker 1: everything he's done since. The contrast in decency between Barack

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Speaker 1: Obama and Donald Trump was too much for me to bear.

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Speaker 1: It was like electing snooky to the Senate. Now people

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Speaker 1: were seriously talking about Dwayne the Rock Johnson for president.

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Speaker 1: How on earth did we get there? Although, if I'm

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Speaker 1: being honest, at that point, I would have taken an

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Speaker 1: actual rock. I kept hearing the word elitists, you know,

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Speaker 1: like that everyone in California, New York lives in a bubble,

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Speaker 1: that the election of this lunatic was a result of

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Speaker 1: all of us not knowing anything about the rest of

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Speaker 1: the country. And that didn't bring true for me because

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Speaker 1: I had traveled all over the country doing stand up

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Speaker 1: for so many years. I've been to every major city

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Speaker 1: in some minor cities multiple times. I wasn't an elitist.

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Speaker 1: My father was a used car dealer. I didn't have

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Speaker 1: a trust fund or wealthy parents. We weren't even allowed

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Speaker 1: to answer the phone growing up, because more often than

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Speaker 1: not it would be a bill collector. Had four hundred

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Speaker 1: dollars when I drove across the country alone to move

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Speaker 1: to Los Angeles and then was broke for seven years,

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Speaker 1: living paycheck to paycheck while simultaneously getting fired from every

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Speaker 1: waitressing job I ever had. I worked for everything I

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Speaker 1: ever have and never even went to college. How could

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Speaker 1: I be an elitist without ever going to college. And then, oh,

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Speaker 1: wait a minute, I remember. I grew up wanting to

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Speaker 1: get as far away from my life and my parents

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Speaker 1: as possible. I had created a life in which there

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Speaker 1: was a zero tolerance policy for any discomfort. I could

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Speaker 1: handle physical discomfort, like dental work or elective surgery to

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Speaker 1: make my thigh smaller, but not any discomfort related to

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Speaker 1: not having money. Sure, I was just graping by on

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Speaker 1: those cross country trips in the beginning of my stand

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Speaker 1: up career, barely making enough money from small comedy clubs

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Speaker 1: to cover my hotel room for the week. But after

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Speaker 1: a few years I was making more money. And then

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Speaker 1: the clubs turned into theaters, and then arenas, and then

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Speaker 1: private planes and Schureford cars, and sometimes I'd be in

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Speaker 1: a city for less than twenty four hours and then

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Speaker 1: onto the next city. So here I was, again not

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Speaker 1: taking into account the optics, or for that matter, the

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Speaker 1: reality of my own entitlement. I had become exactly what

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Speaker 1: I always wanted to be, an elitist. I did live

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Speaker 1: in a bubble inside a bigger bubble, which was inside

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Speaker 1: an even bigger bubble. That's three bubbles, two assistants to

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Speaker 1: cleaning ladies who are basically more like my nanny's a driver,

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Speaker 1: a pool guy, a landscape or a florists because I

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Speaker 1: need flowers all the time. A houseman. What's a houseman,

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Speaker 1: you asked, Someone who walks the dog and polishes the

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Speaker 1: outdoor furniture, And oh, who somebody who cleans up the

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Speaker 1: dog ship because he can't do that even basically he's

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Speaker 1: an outdoor butler. When was the last time I cleaned

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Speaker 1: up dogship? Probably the last time I flew coach. I

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Speaker 1: hated having these thoughts. I hated it because in the

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Speaker 1: process something clicked for me, and I realized that I

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Speaker 1: had made a career of overhydrating people with honesty, yet

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Speaker 1: I was being dishonest with myself. And now that I

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Speaker 1: was aware of this situation, I would have to do

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Speaker 1: something about it, because I couldn't just carry on the

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Speaker 1: way I'd been carrying on, just coasting and cashing checks

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Speaker 1: for essentially being a loudmouth. So I took another hit

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Speaker 1: of my vape. What I really wanted to do is

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Speaker 1: watch the news. Even though the news was giving me diarrhea.

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Speaker 1: The whole administration was giving me diarrhea. I'm probably hurtpies too,

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Speaker 1: For all I know, my outrage was high. I had

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Speaker 1: spent the year after the election being sucked into the

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Speaker 1: vortex of news cycles that accompanied Donald Trump's sent seeing

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Speaker 1: my subsequent mental hernia. The news was like a high

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Speaker 1: speed merry go round that never slowed down long enough

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Speaker 1: to figure out when it was safe to hop on

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Speaker 1: or off. So, like everything else in my life thus far,

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Speaker 1: I hopped on and I stayed on. I had spent

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Speaker 1: the better part of my day in a wormhole googling

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Speaker 1: pictures of young Robert Mueller because I was developing strong

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Speaker 1: sexual feelings toward him, as well as his investigation. In

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Speaker 1: an interesting plot twist, it turns out Bob Muller is

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Speaker 1: even hotter in his early seventies than he was when

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Speaker 1: he was in the Marines. I was more attracted to

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Speaker 1: present day Bob Muller than I would have had I

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Speaker 1: been alive during nam The guy fucking kills me. I mean,

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Speaker 1: who is hotter than Bob Mueller? Daniel day lewis playing

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Speaker 1: Bob Mueller? Maybe, I mean potentially, but he's gonna have

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Speaker 1: to stop with his shoe cobbling to fill him. Another

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Speaker 1: movie Daniel day Lewis and his shoe cobbling. It's like,

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Speaker 1: no one's talking about your shoes, buddy, Okay, just sucking act.

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Speaker 1: But Mueller was the only hope I had that Donald Trump,

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Speaker 1: in that terrible vampire family he spawned, would end up

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Speaker 1: in prison. The investigation into Donald Trump and he's conspiring

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Speaker 1: with Russia and all the other crimes. I'm sure he'll

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Speaker 1: be indicted for It made me realize what real men

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Speaker 1: look like. They look like Bob Mueller, a seventy four

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Speaker 1: year old with a six pack, possibly an eight pack

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Speaker 1: underneath his shirt. When he walks, you can see it.

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Speaker 1: He's ripped. Keeping your ship together is what that's called.

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Speaker 1: Everybody a prosecutor, a marine, and the director of the FBI.

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Speaker 1: How on earth is any woman worth her salt meant

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Speaker 1: to control herself around him and not sit directly on

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Speaker 1: his face. Very few seven year old men have a

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Speaker 1: head of hair like that. And if anyone knows their

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Speaker 1: way around seven year old men, it's me. They're my

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Speaker 1: core demographic, the thickness, the salt and pepper. It's one

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Speaker 1: thing after another with that Patriot. My best friend Mary

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Speaker 1: and I have spent many a night deliberating about what

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Speaker 1: he drinks when he gets home after a long day.

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Speaker 1: Was it a Scotch on the rocks or a Scotch

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Speaker 1: neat one ice cube? Mary would say it would be

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Speaker 1: a McCallen. People who use one ice cube usually annoy me,

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Speaker 1: but this was different. I knew that Bob Muller knew

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Speaker 1: better than I did, and if he wanted to use

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Speaker 1: one ice cube, then he was trying to accomplish something

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Speaker 1: different with his libation. I'd be willing to switch over

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Speaker 1: to scotch or whiskey, or even use one ice cube

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Speaker 1: for the rest of my life if the reward meant

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Speaker 1: seeing Donald Trump dragged out of the White House topless, handcuffed,

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Speaker 1: while his hairpiece detached from the tape on his head,

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Speaker 1: and and then flew around like a cyclone landing in

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Speaker 1: the rose garden. I'm not embarrassed by my feelings about

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Speaker 1: Robert Mueller or for Robert Mueller. I'm surprised, maybe, but

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Speaker 1: I'm not embarrassed. I am legitimately attracted to him and

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Speaker 1: everything he stands for. I respect the ship out of him,

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Speaker 1: and I suspect there will be a lot of people

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Speaker 1: naming their baby boys Bob after this whole ship show

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Speaker 1: is over. Who would have thought Bob would finally take off?

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Speaker 1: Imagining Bob Bobby sitting in his boxers and a little

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Speaker 1: boy's Hayning undershirt with short sleeves while drinking a McCallan

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Speaker 1: on the rock, probably in a leather club chair, maybe

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Speaker 1: me feel like Bob Muller and I had a lot

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Speaker 1: more in common than anyone who would have guessed, even me.

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Speaker 1: I imagine us playing Clue together deep in the Catskills,

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Speaker 1: learning entirely new strategies to a game I thought I

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Speaker 1: had already intellectually mastered. I understand Bob Muller is married

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Speaker 1: and unavailable, so I would like to go on the

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Speaker 1: record and say I respect that, while also remaining deeply

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Speaker 1: attracted to him. It wouldn't matter if he was interested

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Speaker 1: in me or not. I don't need people to like

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Speaker 1: me in order for me to like them. That's a

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Speaker 1: new thing I'm toying with, and I like it. It's fun.

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Speaker 1: Through the months of thick fog and despair after the election,

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Speaker 1: he was the one bright spot. He also represented a

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Speaker 1: seminal moment for me personally. I had finally found the

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Speaker 1: first Republican. I could see myself being penetrated by back

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Speaker 1: to my midlife crisis. There's a line I'd written down

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Speaker 1: from Victor Frankel's memoir Surviving the High. It's about surviving

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Speaker 1: the Holocaust. It's called man search for Meeting. It was

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Speaker 1: a line that stopped me cold when I read it.

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Speaker 1: It said, it did not really matter what we expected

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Speaker 1: from life, but rather what life expected from us. I

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Speaker 1: had never thought about what life expected from me. I

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Speaker 1: had only thought about what I expected from life. That

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Speaker 1: was a book put her down her It was a

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Speaker 1: look up at the sky and wonder, where the funk

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Speaker 1: have I been all my life? Moment? How lost was

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Speaker 1: I if that question had never occurred to me? And

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Speaker 1: it hadn't ever occurred to me. I had to read

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Speaker 1: it to think it. What a fucking dummy I was

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Speaker 1: rewarding myself over and over again with homes and cars

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Speaker 1: and vacations and gross extravagance. I justified all of it

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Speaker 1: because I worked for everything I had. I came from nothing.

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Speaker 1: I told myself for years that was my story. Work hard,

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Speaker 1: fight hard, don't give up. You can do anything you deserve.

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Speaker 1: This the idea that I came from nothing is a joke.

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Speaker 1: My parents were disappointing, like with their personalities, but I

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Speaker 1: always felt loved by lots of people. I never went hungry,

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Speaker 1: I never struggled. I was white, pretty Jewish, and had

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Speaker 1: a ton of misplaced self confidence. So life got easier

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Speaker 1: the more focused I became. I got to Hollywood, and

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Speaker 1: I was rewarded for all of that behavior. My life

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Speaker 1: was a bubble, that's exactly what it had become, a big,

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Speaker 1: vapid bubble. And what were my ties to being famous?

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Speaker 1: What were my ties to being a celebrity? Wealth and

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Speaker 1: fame existed as a couple in my mind they went together.

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Speaker 1: Did that mean I could still have one without the other?

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Speaker 1: And if so, which one would I choose? And is

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Speaker 1: this my whole identity? Is this my whole life? It

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Speaker 1: can't be. Do I get to fall in love again

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Speaker 1: with a man? No, a man can't help you with this.

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Speaker 1: You got yourself here, So the question is what are

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Speaker 1: you gonna do with yourself now? What is my enough?

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Speaker 1: I never had to care about the state of the

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Speaker 1: world before the world was a vague thought and a

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Speaker 1: whimsical fancy that was for the adults. I thought that

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Speaker 1: by traveling to so many different countries these I was

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Speaker 1: doing my due diligence. That by edifying myself with other

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Speaker 1: cultures and sharing my experiences on camera on my show,

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Speaker 1: I was somehow making a worthy contribution to society. America

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Speaker 1: wasn't a problem. There was no problem. We had elected

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Speaker 1: a black president and we were about to elect a woman.

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Speaker 1: Racism and feminism were fights again. It didn't happen, sweeties,

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Speaker 1: who maybe we're not talking about the same thing. Racism

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Speaker 1: and feminism were fights we had already won. America was

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Speaker 1: being handled by people smarter and more skilled in politics,

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Speaker 1: and they took care of this stuff so that people

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Speaker 1: like me could live the American dream and remained blissfully

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Speaker 1: ill informed. I had spent my adulthood on a cigarette

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Speaker 1: boat going a hundred miles per hour, and now I

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Speaker 1: felt like I had somehow become a ruined on one

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Speaker 1: of those terrible all inclusive carnival cruise ships. Time speeds

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Speaker 1: up as it goes by. Someone explained to me that

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Speaker 1: there is a mathematical reason for this. As you age,

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Speaker 1: each year becomes a smaller percentage of the life you

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Speaker 1: have already lived. I'm forty two, as I write this.

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Speaker 1: So one year now represents a small percentage of my

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Speaker 1: forty two years, about two point three eight. But when

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Speaker 1: I was eight, one year was a really long time.

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Speaker 1: It was an eighth of my life. And that is

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Speaker 1: why summer lasted for about four years when you were

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Speaker 1: a kid. And this may be why I now feel

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Speaker 1: an urgency to know more, to do more, and to

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Speaker 1: be more. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe life

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Speaker 1: is too short. I believe life is too long. It's exhausting.

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Speaker 1: I don't fear dying. I want people to know that

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Speaker 1: if I die early, it's not some tragedy. If I

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Speaker 1: die to night, it's not I'd be relieved. I'm wiped

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Speaker 1: out and I've had a great adventure. I have two

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Speaker 1: hundred and fifty thousand dollars set aside for my funeral

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Speaker 1: because I want everyone to have one big fucking party

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Speaker 1: in my honor. I want to have a great funeral,

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Speaker 1: filled with dancing and little people and mushrooms and then

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Speaker 1: little people on mushrooms. I wanted to be a celebration

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Speaker 1: for all the people who love me and for all

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Speaker 1: the people who are happy to see me go. But

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Speaker 1: in the meantime between now and then. This is my

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Speaker 1: attempt at taking stock of how I got here, where

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Speaker 1: I've been, and where exactly it is that I'm going.

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Speaker 1: What exactly is it that I might bring to the

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Speaker 1: table to answer the question that Victor Frankel forced me

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Speaker 1: to ask myself. Do I have the conviction to examine

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Speaker 1: myself unflinchingly, to reveal the good, the bad, the ugly,

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Speaker 1: the beautiful the answers. Yes, I have a lot to

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Speaker 1: be embarrassed about, and I intend to advertise it. I'm

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Speaker 1: sick of my voice, of my ambition, of my entitlement.

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Speaker 1: I'm sick of not knowing more, and I'm embarrassed it

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Speaker 1: took me this along to figure it out. Life has

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Speaker 1: been too easy. I've gotten almost everything I've ever wanted,

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Speaker 1: and I'm forty two. Something smells fishy. M After all

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Speaker 1: is said and done, I'd like to be cremated and

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Speaker 1: have my ashes scattered over Bob Muller's grave or inside it,

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Speaker 1: or his inside mine, or inside of me, or in

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Speaker 1: one of Daniel dy Lewis's clogs. Thank you, Thanks guys. Okay,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna bring out somebody that you're all gonna love

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Speaker 1: very much. And she's a very good friend of mine,

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Speaker 1: and she was nice enough to fly out here to

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Speaker 1: interview me for uh for tonight, and uh you might

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Speaker 1: know her. Please welcome Connie Britton. Wait where do you want? Okay? Hi,

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Speaker 1: Hi Dallas? Yeah, good good. Let's tell everybody how we met? Okay?

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Speaker 1: Was it on my TV show? Um? We we met? Uh? No,

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Speaker 1: you thought we met on your TV show. We did

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Speaker 1: not meet on your TV show. We met in an airport.

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Speaker 1: You accosted me. You were dating Ted Harbor, remember Ted

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Speaker 1: Harbor from previous books. That was one of my first

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Speaker 1: older boyfriends. That was the twenty when twenty years between

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Speaker 1: my age and their age was acceptable. When when I

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Speaker 1: was in my twenties and thirties, I date fifty year old.

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Speaker 1: Now that I'm forty four, I'm not dating a fucking

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Speaker 1: sixty four year old, do you know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: So the margin has to like shrink, So I mean

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Speaker 1: I'm open minded. Then that's why I'm single. So yes,

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Speaker 1: I'm it's working. It's working out great for you think

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Speaker 1: working wonderfully. No, but you were a fan of Friday

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Speaker 1: Night Lights. I know I'm so happy to be back

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Speaker 1: in Texas. I love y'all. And you accostomed me in

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Speaker 1: the airport and and somehow we ended up with each

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Speaker 1: other's numbers. And I don't know if you remember this,

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Speaker 1: And I wanted to start by saying, I'm so fucking

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Speaker 1: proud of you. This book is number one. I'm like

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Speaker 1: two different New York Times bestseller lists. I'm so proud

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Speaker 1: of you because this book is like nothing else you've

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Speaker 1: ever done, It's nothing else you've ever written, and it

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Speaker 1: is a reflection of who you've become. And I say

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Speaker 1: that as we're talking about when we met, because when

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Speaker 1: we met, this is Chelsea's like, bless your heart. I

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Speaker 1: was out of control and then we we like texted

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Speaker 1: each other, and then you invited me to some birthday

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Speaker 1: party that you had on you were having on some

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Speaker 1: island in like in like a club where it's like

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Speaker 1: going to be a club like twenty four hours a day.

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Speaker 1: And I was in the middle of working on something

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Speaker 1: I don't know what, and I couldn't go, and you

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Speaker 1: were so mad at me, so I tossed. She was

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Speaker 1: so pissed. She was seven anger, anger, like just sucking

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Speaker 1: agitation but also also like somehow that I couldn't go.

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Speaker 1: It was like I was abandoning her. You don't do

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Speaker 1: that anymore. No, No, now you're so healthy. I'm a

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Speaker 1: lot healthier than I was. Yeah, but you don't realize

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Speaker 1: when you're in those states, when you're just kind of

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Speaker 1: going and you're just like, you know, my my career

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Speaker 1: when it started in in this town, you just go

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Speaker 1: a million miers per hour. You know, you never can

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Speaker 1: take a break either, and it becomes an addiction, and

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Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, you're just out. You're not

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Speaker 1: even paying attention to what's happening, and your life just

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00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,720
Speaker 1: kind of passes you by. So it was good to

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Speaker 1: have a wake up call because when I hear stories

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Speaker 1: like this, I cringe. I'm like, oh god, I was

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Speaker 1: so fucking annoying. No, but you weren't. You were still

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00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,200
Speaker 1: you always have had this heart. But now you're letting

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Speaker 1: us really see it, and you're letting yourself really see it.

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Speaker 1: And I'm really proud of you, and I um, i'd

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Speaker 1: like to thank Dan for that. Dan's my psychiatrist. I

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00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:29,920
Speaker 1: I have, I have uh, really irrational feelings for Dan.

400
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:35,320
Speaker 1: I really want Dan badly. Like you want Robert Mueller,

401
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,199
Speaker 1: I want Dan. Yeah, I get it, I get it.

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Speaker 1: Dan was the first psychiatrist that I ever went to

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Speaker 1: that I wasn't attracted to. And that's why I stuck

404
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Speaker 1: with it, because I knew that if it wasn't if

405
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,760
Speaker 1: it's a sexual thing, you're with girls were so screwed up,

406
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:52,119
Speaker 1: you know, you A dentist can be borderline good looking,

407
00:24:53,119 --> 00:24:56,320
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, you're like, you know, just

408
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:59,360
Speaker 1: because he has some control over you. If you ever,

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Speaker 1: like anybody, anytime I've been put under by an anesthesiologist,

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00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,200
Speaker 1: you're just like, oh my god, Like you're immediately attracted

411
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Speaker 1: to them, just because they're like, they have your life

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Speaker 1: in your hands, you know, in their hands. I know

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Speaker 1: that's so. Yeah. I love I love being drugged. What

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Speaker 1: what are wead? What's happening? Um? Connie doesn't like drugs.

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Speaker 1: Just so you know, I gave her a hit of weed.

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Speaker 1: I'm into cannabis now. Yeah, she's into cannabis. Now is it?

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Speaker 1: It's not legal here right? Okay? And it will be,

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Speaker 1: it will be at some point. It's gonna be legal everywhere.

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Speaker 1: But um, I'm coming out with my own cannabis line.

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Speaker 1: At the end of the summer, and because it's helped me,

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Speaker 1: It's helped me so much, especially with like you know,

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Speaker 1: just relaxing, calming, slimming down. Cannabis was my gateway drug

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Speaker 1: to like meditation and all that ship. But because that's

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Speaker 1: how that goes, you always start with drugs before you

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00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,880
Speaker 1: met it tate healthy first. I have to calm down

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00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:06,800
Speaker 1: for long enough to metadate. So yeah, I need some weed. Um.

427
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,440
Speaker 1: We went over. We were over at our friend Charlie's

428
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:12,760
Speaker 1: Theron's house one night, and so we're there and I

429
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,560
Speaker 1: had my weed pen, a sample of my weed pen.

430
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:16,639
Speaker 1: I said, Connie, here, try it, and She's like, I

431
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,440
Speaker 1: never really smoke. I was like, then don't. I don't

432
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:19,880
Speaker 1: want the drama, you know what I mean, if you're

433
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:28,520
Speaker 1: gonna like I was like that place. Wait. Also, it

434
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:31,320
Speaker 1: was a dinner party where all these people were supposed

435
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:34,080
Speaker 1: to show up and and like we were the only

436
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:37,879
Speaker 1: two people who came. So it ended up being and

437
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,200
Speaker 1: it was like this beautiful dinner party for like three

438
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,640
Speaker 1: or three women, three of us, two of him were

439
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:46,400
Speaker 1: real stoned. I was stoned, but I'm always a little

440
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,960
Speaker 1: bit stoned. So you were stoned and then we moved

441
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:50,800
Speaker 1: to the living room and some other people came over,

442
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,400
Speaker 1: so it was Rita Aura, the musician, and carl tell

443
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:57,520
Speaker 1: Avine came over. So She's on the couch lying behind me,

444
00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,920
Speaker 1: and I'm talking chit chatting, and I don't even notice,

445
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:01,320
Speaker 1: and I just went to go sit back. I'm like,

446
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:03,679
Speaker 1: who's that. They're like, Connie, She's been sleeping for like

447
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:11,800
Speaker 1: two hours. And then and then three weeks later, I

448
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:14,120
Speaker 1: get it in text from car tel Avine saying, Hey,

449
00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:16,840
Speaker 1: I'm having a party at my house, a housewarming or whatever.

450
00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:19,000
Speaker 1: It is her birthday. I thought it was too I

451
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,600
Speaker 1: got there, it was a housewarm inte. I'm like, why

452
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,800
Speaker 1: the fund did I go to this? I was like,

453
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:27,920
Speaker 1: I thought this is an important night. I mean, so

454
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,320
Speaker 1: she said, hey, I have I'm having a housewarming party.

455
00:27:30,359 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 1: Will you invite Connie and Charlie's And I was like, yeah, yeah,

456
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,360
Speaker 1: I will. And then I invited you and You're like, oh,

457
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,600
Speaker 1: that's so sweet. I don't even know cards all Avine,

458
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:42,920
Speaker 1: and I was like, well, she met you the other

459
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:46,159
Speaker 1: night while you were asleep on the couch, and I

460
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:50,600
Speaker 1: must have made a great impression because she invited me

461
00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:55,360
Speaker 1: to her not birthday party. So whatever, I'm a great sleeper.

462
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:58,800
Speaker 1: If you could make a good impression while you're sleeping,

463
00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 1: I think that's solid. Feel pretty good about it. You

464
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,320
Speaker 1: used to You used to be more of a sleeper too.

465
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 1: That was another thing. Two years ago at your birthday party,

466
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:10,880
Speaker 1: you basically announced everybody who was still at your birthday party, Okay, guys,

467
00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:15,679
Speaker 1: I'm going to bed. You know it was. It was

468
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,920
Speaker 1: as awkward as that sounds like. It was not any

469
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,520
Speaker 1: less awkward than that. It was literally like I looked

470
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,440
Speaker 1: at Brandon, I'm like, Okay, should we go. We're gonna go.

471
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:27,000
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go. Yeah, that's that's yeah. I'd like to

472
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 1: do a French exit. But it's hard to do that

473
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,720
Speaker 1: at your own house. Yeah, you know what I mean.

474
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:39,320
Speaker 1: It's hard to just like yeah, anyway anyway. So but

475
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:41,920
Speaker 1: now here you are, you're in Texas. I'm in Texas.

476
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:45,760
Speaker 1: Which the other thing. The other thing about Chelsea is

477
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:48,600
Speaker 1: she's had a crush on well, you've had a crush

478
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:50,560
Speaker 1: on a couple of my teeth. The thing, the reason

479
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:53,880
Speaker 1: I'm friends with Connie is because she works with men

480
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:59,120
Speaker 1: that I would like to get penetrated by. Kyle Chandler.

481
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:03,840
Speaker 1: Obviously it's ridiculous, and obviously had a huge crush on him,

482
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:06,360
Speaker 1: and then he did the other show after you, and

483
00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:08,200
Speaker 1: then I was like, oh my god, like I have

484
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:10,400
Speaker 1: a real obsession with him. So I had to stop

485
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,760
Speaker 1: watching him because it was unhealthy because he's married and

486
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:15,800
Speaker 1: doesn't want anything to do with me. I tried to

487
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:17,800
Speaker 1: get him on my show to interview me. I mean

488
00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:20,000
Speaker 1: to interview him on my old show, and Connie would

489
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,680
Speaker 1: try and be at our liaison, but then you know,

490
00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:26,040
Speaker 1: he's like, I'm not gonna do it. He's like, tell

491
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:28,520
Speaker 1: that that's real sweet. She could come out what you

492
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,760
Speaker 1: offered to, like go meet him, like in a tepee

493
00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:34,960
Speaker 1: or something, which he said, did she come down and

494
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:38,480
Speaker 1: do the the interview? And where does he live in Austin?

495
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 1: In Austin And I was like, yeah, I'll go to Austin.

496
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:44,760
Speaker 1: We could do it in the woods. Yeah, And he's like,

497
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:47,080
Speaker 1: tell that crazy bitch. I don't want her to interview me.

498
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:51,240
Speaker 1: And then she worked with Eric Banna because and that's

499
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,920
Speaker 1: another one of mine. Although did you guys all see

500
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:58,600
Speaker 1: Dirty John and how many people? Although in Dirty John,

501
00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:00,440
Speaker 1: I wasn't as in to him as I've been time. Yeah,

502
00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:03,440
Speaker 1: well it's hard to get into a sociopath. Yeah, well

503
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:12,080
Speaker 1: you did a good job. I'm an actress. It's gone acting. Yes, yes, Okay,

504
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,160
Speaker 1: well this sounds like a good time to take a break.

505
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:21,400
Speaker 1: Tell the story about Chunk on the plane. Oh well, Chunk.

506
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,720
Speaker 1: Chunk was my old dog. Yeah, Chunk was. He was

507
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:26,800
Speaker 1: such a stud I'm gonna cry in the book too,

508
00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:31,920
Speaker 1: by the way, just saying, um, he Chunk was great. Chunk.

509
00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:34,680
Speaker 1: It was like my family dog. He was my first dog.

510
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:39,520
Speaker 1: He made me a mother, and I wasn't a great mother, um,

511
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:41,479
Speaker 1: which is why I'm glad I didn't ever have children,

512
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:43,880
Speaker 1: because you know, that would be a disaster. And so

513
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:45,760
Speaker 1: I think I also am like people should thank me

514
00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:48,320
Speaker 1: for that too, Like I don't get enough recognition. I

515
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:51,000
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, not contributing to like putting out

516
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:56,000
Speaker 1: another one of me. I think it's a responsible decision making. Um,

517
00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:58,920
Speaker 1: but Chunk and I I was a really good mom

518
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,719
Speaker 1: until I took Chunk, you my ORCA. I brought him

519
00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:04,480
Speaker 1: to Spain because I thought he would deserve to trip overseas.

520
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:08,480
Speaker 1: And and when I before, I had never taken on

521
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:11,000
Speaker 1: an international flight, so it was like twelve or fourteen

522
00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:13,239
Speaker 1: hours totally with a layover in Germany, and we were

523
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 1: going to see my family and my family and I

524
00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:17,560
Speaker 1: we all get along, but we're a little bit like

525
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,560
Speaker 1: my brother is married to this Russian and she's kind

526
00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:23,920
Speaker 1: of a buzz kill, and um, she's very Russian, you know,

527
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:27,239
Speaker 1: like she's very overprotective. She doesn't she's superstitious. It's all

528
00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:29,800
Speaker 1: like she thinks everyone who's gay is has been molested.

529
00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:32,360
Speaker 1: It's like it's hard to deal with her, you know.

530
00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 1: She's always like Chelsea when you get the boyfriends and

531
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,280
Speaker 1: I'm like, what are you have you been listening to

532
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:41,920
Speaker 1: anything I've ever said that is not going to complete me?

533
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:44,920
Speaker 1: And so she has three boys with my brother and

534
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:49,840
Speaker 1: they're all horrified by her as well, because she's she's

535
00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:52,239
Speaker 1: one of those women who's like a mosquito, you know,

536
00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:54,800
Speaker 1: like did you like Like they get out of the

537
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:57,280
Speaker 1: pool and then she makes them put on dry pool

538
00:31:57,320 --> 00:31:59,480
Speaker 1: clothes and then when they get back in the pool,

539
00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 1: they have to put the wet ones back on. I'm like,

540
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:03,760
Speaker 1: just skip the pool. Skip it. It's a nightmare for

541
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:09,840
Speaker 1: all of us to watch this. I mean, she and

542
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:14,120
Speaker 1: she's so materialistic, Like she's always about my money and

543
00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:16,280
Speaker 1: the things and where my old This is a nice

544
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:19,560
Speaker 1: house you rented, you thinking about buying and it's like no,

545
00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:22,400
Speaker 1: no one's talking about that. And and you know, she

546
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,480
Speaker 1: thinks the only key to happiness is to be married

547
00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:26,280
Speaker 1: to have children. She still thinks there's a chance I'm

548
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:28,440
Speaker 1: gonna have a child, Like I'm forty four. It's a wrap.

549
00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:33,280
Speaker 1: She tells you are very fertile. I can tell. I'm like.

550
00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,720
Speaker 1: But so I was going on vacation with them, and

551
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,080
Speaker 1: on the on the flight out, Chunk and Eye flew

552
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:44,560
Speaker 1: Iberian Air or something, and I got sleeping pills for

553
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: him because I had never taken him on a flight

554
00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:48,640
Speaker 1: and I wanted to make sure he didn't pee or anything.

555
00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:50,280
Speaker 1: So I was like, okay, I'll probably knock him out.

556
00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 1: And then it's some like twist of fate. I just said, no,

557
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:53,840
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that. I don't want to

558
00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:55,360
Speaker 1: give him a sleeping bill. He's never taken one. It

559
00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:58,400
Speaker 1: was the most responsible parenting i'd ever very impressed for

560
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:02,520
Speaker 1: me to take it over. Thank you welcome for me

561
00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:06,160
Speaker 1: to take an overnight flight without taking a sleeping pill.

562
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:07,840
Speaker 1: That's saying I love you, you know what I mean,

563
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:10,000
Speaker 1: Like I had never done that. I had never taken

564
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:12,040
Speaker 1: a flight without taking a sleeping pill that was that long.

565
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,040
Speaker 1: But I stayed up with him and whatever. So I

566
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 1: got there and I was like, you guys, I did it.

567
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,360
Speaker 1: I nailed it, like I'm a number one parent. And

568
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 1: then halfway through the trip, my brothers and sisters are

569
00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:23,880
Speaker 1: all there. I was really annoyed with my Russian sister

570
00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:25,400
Speaker 1: in law and we were on a sailboat and I

571
00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,640
Speaker 1: was taking the boys into these coves to swim in

572
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,480
Speaker 1: these caves that were underwater, and they were and she

573
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:33,320
Speaker 1: was just like, you can't go with Chelsea's it's not safe.

574
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:37,520
Speaker 1: And finally I just swam home like Julia Roberts and

575
00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:42,520
Speaker 1: sleeping with the enemy. I was like, literally, we're on

576
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:44,680
Speaker 1: about sailing. I'm beautiful, my and I was like, I'm

577
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:46,400
Speaker 1: just gonna swim back to the house. She is so

578
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:50,680
Speaker 1: fucking annoying. And you know what's so funny about her,

579
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:53,280
Speaker 1: She's so annoying, but she doesn't even if you tell

580
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:57,520
Speaker 1: her she's annoying. She's like like she doesn't hold she

581
00:33:57,560 --> 00:33:59,600
Speaker 1: doesn't hold a grudge about it. She'll just pick up

582
00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:02,280
Speaker 1: the converse where she goes, yes, anyway, Chelsea, that's not nice.

583
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:07,400
Speaker 1: What were you saying? And I'm like, huh, So I swam.

584
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,799
Speaker 1: I swam to shore on my aunt, who's awesome. She's

585
00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:11,800
Speaker 1: a real bitch, so like we have a good rapport

586
00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:14,239
Speaker 1: and she doesn't say much. I walked in. I was like,

587
00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:16,120
Speaker 1: can you believe them? Like they put so much sunblock

588
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:18,919
Speaker 1: on their sons, like it was you couldn't even see them,

589
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,600
Speaker 1: you know. And I walked in, I go, can you

590
00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:25,200
Speaker 1: believe fucking Olga? And then and my brother Glenn, they

591
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:27,680
Speaker 1: bicker about everything, you know, like she could see a

592
00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:29,960
Speaker 1: can open and it's a thing. You're like, oh my god,

593
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:34,200
Speaker 1: everything's a safety hazard. So I said, I go, can

594
00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:36,080
Speaker 1: you believe how they act? I mean, what's up with

595
00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:37,879
Speaker 1: that sun block on my aunt's Like I can't believe

596
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:39,640
Speaker 1: she doesn't even put it in their mouths? I mean.

597
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,880
Speaker 1: And I looked at Chunk's meds and what I discovered

598
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:48,560
Speaker 1: was that they were dogg easan X basically the equivalent

599
00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:51,840
Speaker 1: to a humans annex. And I was like, uh, game changer.

600
00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:56,440
Speaker 1: And I popped one flitted in a half because it

601
00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:59,160
Speaker 1: hits you faster, and I was like, listen, I'm gonna

602
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:02,600
Speaker 1: go knock myself the funk out. Because it was a Thursday.

603
00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:04,520
Speaker 1: We had until Saturday, and I was like, I was

604
00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:07,120
Speaker 1: at the end of my rope. And so I basically

605
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:10,600
Speaker 1: slept for the next two days and I just wake

606
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:12,480
Speaker 1: up in the morning, go downstairs, take a half of

607
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:14,920
Speaker 1: zana X popping, and go back upstairs. My I'm like,

608
00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:17,400
Speaker 1: I can't deal with any more Russian accents anytime they

609
00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,920
Speaker 1: asked me, I'm like, I just can't. So we get

610
00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,000
Speaker 1: on the plane on the way back from my Orca

611
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:25,000
Speaker 1: and I popped the last X. Chunk had five and

612
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:27,160
Speaker 1: I was on my fifth one. I popped it and

613
00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:29,279
Speaker 1: realized I didn't have any for chunk and I was like,

614
00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:31,239
Speaker 1: oh funk, I can't throw up a zan X on

615
00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:34,200
Speaker 1: a plane. And I'm like, oh dad, that was so

616
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:40,400
Speaker 1: I was like, what do I do? I mean, what

617
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,319
Speaker 1: do you do if you take something you're not supposed to?

618
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:46,160
Speaker 1: Of course that's the first thought, and I go for

619
00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:54,040
Speaker 1: me anyway, and so it isn't So I pass out

620
00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:57,120
Speaker 1: and I wrapped chinks leash around my waist and I'm

621
00:35:57,160 --> 00:36:01,040
Speaker 1: just hoping he's going to pass out too. And then

622
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,719
Speaker 1: I was falling asleep, and I was like, I had

623
00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,040
Speaker 1: one of these baby sleeping pills that I brought but

624
00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:09,040
Speaker 1: never used because I had, you know, pilferred my own sons,

625
00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:11,920
Speaker 1: and so I gave him a Sonata, which is like

626
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:16,440
Speaker 1: a light four hours sleeping pill, and we both fall asleep.

627
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:19,200
Speaker 1: We wake up four hours later. The woman is like

628
00:36:19,239 --> 00:36:21,320
Speaker 1: pulling me by my hair. The flight attendant, she's like,

629
00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:26,799
Speaker 1: your dog is running around the first class cabin and

630
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:31,319
Speaker 1: foaming at the math and I am literally like you

631
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:35,120
Speaker 1: should have I mean, there's dog hair everywhere. And I

632
00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:38,359
Speaker 1: had a leash around my belly and I was so

633
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:41,640
Speaker 1: out of it, you know, I was trying. I'm like, oh, chuck,

634
00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:45,440
Speaker 1: I'm like chunk, and I could hear it. Me sounded

635
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:48,640
Speaker 1: like a wearabolf, he was like. And I was like,

636
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,080
Speaker 1: oh glad, this is gonna be a nightmare. Oh my god,

637
00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:53,239
Speaker 1: Oh my god. And so I'm running and I get

638
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:55,680
Speaker 1: up to go just jump for him to like lurch

639
00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:58,720
Speaker 1: and the rope burn around my waist from the leash.

640
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:02,479
Speaker 1: I was like ah, and then I please miss help

641
00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:04,040
Speaker 1: and the woman's like in her seat, She's like, I'm

642
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:06,439
Speaker 1: not a flight attendant. I'm not helping you. I don't

643
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,040
Speaker 1: work here. I was like, please go get me, and

644
00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:11,040
Speaker 1: she's like, I'm not and I was like, oh shut

645
00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:13,759
Speaker 1: I'm on my own on this flight. So I get

646
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:16,560
Speaker 1: him and he is just and my chunk was cool,

647
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:18,279
Speaker 1: like he would never be uncool. He did never even

648
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:20,120
Speaker 1: would let himself get an erection in front of me

649
00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,000
Speaker 1: or go to the bathroom. He was just a gentleman.

650
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:25,880
Speaker 1: He would turn around if I saw him go to

651
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,680
Speaker 1: the bathroom, he would turn around and run away. I

652
00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:30,320
Speaker 1: was like, that's what I like. I like that, you know, respect,

653
00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:34,680
Speaker 1: And so it was hard to see him in that condition,

654
00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:38,920
Speaker 1: especially knowing that I had done that to him. And

655
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:40,799
Speaker 1: and then finally then the flight attendants where you know,

656
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,680
Speaker 1: they were like you're a nightmare, and I was like, listen,

657
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,359
Speaker 1: can we get us? I'm like, can we get some food?

658
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:46,919
Speaker 1: I was like, fucking, I just gotta give him water.

659
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:49,520
Speaker 1: He was so thirsty. You know, the vets said before,

660
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:51,680
Speaker 1: you know, if you take your dog on a plane,

661
00:37:51,800 --> 00:37:55,480
Speaker 1: just remember the pill makes them very thirsty. And I

662
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:57,200
Speaker 1: got yeah, but you just told me I can't give

663
00:37:57,239 --> 00:37:59,160
Speaker 1: him water for fourteen hours, so then he's gonna be

664
00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:01,840
Speaker 1: thirsty and dying. For water, and she's like, you have

665
00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:08,279
Speaker 1: to choose. Fucking vets. They never give you any real information.

666
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:11,080
Speaker 1: Every VET I've ever gone to, they're like, oh, you

667
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:12,800
Speaker 1: could you rescue a dog? And they're like, oh, it

668
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 1: could be four, could be twelve. I'm like, that's a

669
00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:23,279
Speaker 1: pretty big margin of error. Eight years. So the vet.

670
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:25,600
Speaker 1: You know, So he did get thirsty. So I finally

671
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:27,319
Speaker 1: just gave him water. I even tried to give him

672
00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:30,600
Speaker 1: orange juice, anything, and I ordered a mistake. The flight

673
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:33,960
Speaker 1: attendant came over and was like, would you like anything

674
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:39,760
Speaker 1: for your traveling companion? The steak was for him, um,

675
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:42,160
Speaker 1: And then he finally calmed down. And I was just

676
00:38:42,239 --> 00:38:44,160
Speaker 1: so scared that I was gonna get off the plane

677
00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:46,719
Speaker 1: and it was gonna be fucking arrested. You know, by

678
00:38:46,719 --> 00:38:49,800
Speaker 1: the by the I don't know some from by Peter,

679
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:52,759
Speaker 1: you know, news would have spread. I'm like, that's the

680
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:55,120
Speaker 1: that's the ship I need to deal with. Chelsea Handler

681
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:58,080
Speaker 1: kills her dog on plane from my Orca. Well, your

682
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:00,200
Speaker 1: your book is so much about death that and I

683
00:39:00,239 --> 00:39:02,480
Speaker 1: read it. I'm like, she I don't remember this story.

684
00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:05,600
Speaker 1: She killed chunk on a plane, Like I was sure

685
00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:07,440
Speaker 1: that that's how it was gonna end. I was so

686
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:10,920
Speaker 1: relieved that he survived it. He did survive. He he

687
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:15,640
Speaker 1: wasn't really ever the same after that trip. But I mean,

688
00:39:15,719 --> 00:39:18,239
Speaker 1: I do feel badly that I did something to him.

689
00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:21,120
Speaker 1: It would just really knocked him out. And I won't

690
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:23,120
Speaker 1: take any more dogs to my WORKA That is not

691
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:25,360
Speaker 1: a smart move, you know what I mean. They can't handle.

692
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:28,560
Speaker 1: It's too long and it's not fair. But I don't

693
00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:31,239
Speaker 1: really know what the point of that story. I really like.

694
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:34,040
Speaker 1: I like your drag story. You know. Your drug stories

695
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:36,120
Speaker 1: are always funny to me, Like I like the one

696
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:39,120
Speaker 1: where you um right, They're so funny, Like I like

697
00:39:39,239 --> 00:39:41,799
Speaker 1: the one where you um, didn't you take a like

698
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:48,000
Speaker 1: a yeast infection like suppository orally? Yes, that happened right, Yes,

699
00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:50,960
Speaker 1: I was in Whistler. I was in Whistler, Canada, and

700
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:55,120
Speaker 1: I thought I had a situation. Yeah, And I called

701
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:57,359
Speaker 1: my doctor and they sent me a pill and I

702
00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:03,279
Speaker 1: took it orally, and then like like a day later,

703
00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:04,840
Speaker 1: I was like, I wonder if that was supposed to

704
00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:15,200
Speaker 1: go in my Pikachu. Yeah, And then I called my doctor.

705
00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:20,600
Speaker 1: I was like, hey, quick, quick question. I was like

706
00:40:20,640 --> 00:40:23,960
Speaker 1: that pill that diff lucan or what you know, and

707
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,839
Speaker 1: he goes, yeah, and I'm like, that goes and he's

708
00:40:26,880 --> 00:40:32,200
Speaker 1: like nothing. I'm like, where does that go? It's like

709
00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:38,960
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm like, where does that pill go? He's

710
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:41,719
Speaker 1: like I don't I don't understand the question. I'm like, yeah,

711
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:49,520
Speaker 1: you do anyway, So wait, patients, and then I want

712
00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:53,000
Speaker 1: to talk about politics, because that's another change that right now. Okay,

713
00:40:53,040 --> 00:41:01,200
Speaker 1: but let's talk about k Yeah. Yeah, I mean Bett,

714
00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:02,920
Speaker 1: oh right, you're in that. You're in the seat of

715
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:10,280
Speaker 1: it right here, like this isn't it. That's how actually,

716
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:13,200
Speaker 1: that's how we became kind of we we yeah, because

717
00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:16,080
Speaker 1: we met a while ago, like in the airport in

718
00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:18,800
Speaker 1: Friday lights. But this was like in your old days.

719
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:20,840
Speaker 1: And then I remember I didn't go to a birthday

720
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:23,080
Speaker 1: party you invited me to, which was on some island

721
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:25,480
Speaker 1: and where it was like in like a club like club.

722
00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:26,880
Speaker 1: You were going to be in a club like twenty

723
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:29,560
Speaker 1: four hours a day every day for your birthday. And

724
00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:31,640
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm working, I can't go, and you

725
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:35,120
Speaker 1: almost didn't forgive me. Yeah, I wouldn't get mad at people.

726
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:38,160
Speaker 1: She would get really pissed, like if you didn't show up.

727
00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:40,839
Speaker 1: She was like, you're done. I'm done with you. So

728
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:45,759
Speaker 1: but thankfully we you know, time passed and you had

729
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:49,160
Speaker 1: your down But yeah, but politics kind of brought us

730
00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:52,080
Speaker 1: back together again. Yeah, it was nice because after that election,

731
00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:54,360
Speaker 1: you became friends with people, not this is an example

732
00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:56,600
Speaker 1: of us, but you actually became friends with people that

733
00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:58,759
Speaker 1: normally you wouldn't talk to. You're like, oh, yeah, we're

734
00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:00,680
Speaker 1: on the same team here, let's try figure this out.

735
00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:02,560
Speaker 1: And I know that you and I both were like

736
00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:06,280
Speaker 1: scrambling about what to do and hysterical, and I didn't realize,

737
00:42:06,560 --> 00:42:08,640
Speaker 1: you know, I learned about Like for me, it was

738
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:10,719
Speaker 1: like I threw myself in, which I know you did too.

739
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:11,880
Speaker 1: You just so like, oh my god, what are we

740
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:13,520
Speaker 1: gonna do. We gotta get the mid terms going, like

741
00:42:13,520 --> 00:42:15,279
Speaker 1: you're we're going to go in and fix everything. But

742
00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:17,759
Speaker 1: luckily it was a collective of so many people that

743
00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:20,600
Speaker 1: went in And actually, so I think you realize who.

744
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:23,680
Speaker 1: I think the way the way we're dealing now with

745
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:25,759
Speaker 1: the way the country is, I think it is very

746
00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:28,959
Speaker 1: representative of who we are as individuals. Because in order

747
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:31,560
Speaker 1: to change the country, you have to invest yourself. You

748
00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:34,080
Speaker 1: have to invest yourself financially. You have to invest yourself

749
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:36,360
Speaker 1: with your time, You have to invest yourself with your passion.

750
00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:38,080
Speaker 1: You have to invest yourself with the way you talk

751
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:40,640
Speaker 1: to people around you, with your community, with your family.

752
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:43,640
Speaker 1: And there are some people who are capable and willing

753
00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:45,440
Speaker 1: to do that, and there's some people who aren't. And

754
00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:48,680
Speaker 1: that's an indication of character. So I think that that's

755
00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:51,560
Speaker 1: you know that we're seeing that a lot amongst ourselves

756
00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:53,680
Speaker 1: right now too, you know, and that's how we come well.

757
00:42:53,719 --> 00:42:56,919
Speaker 1: You actually Kiani was roommates with Kirston Gila Brand. Yes,

758
00:42:57,080 --> 00:42:59,880
Speaker 1: Kirston Jilli Brand. See you're not. It's like, I'm smattering,

759
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:04,279
Speaker 1: smattering of applause. It's amazing. We are. They are very

760
00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:09,279
Speaker 1: lucky because we have many truly incredible candidates right now

761
00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:15,839
Speaker 1: and possible possible presidential nominee. I like, amazing. There are

762
00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:17,880
Speaker 1: a lot of good candidates. And it's I mean, I like,

763
00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:19,640
Speaker 1: I mean, like you. I got so burnt out with

764
00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:20,920
Speaker 1: the mid terms that I was like, oh my god,

765
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,000
Speaker 1: I don't ever want to deal with politics again. I

766
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:25,640
Speaker 1: can't stand this ship. But it's necessary. You can't just

767
00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:27,520
Speaker 1: dip in and out. You have to kind of harness

768
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:30,440
Speaker 1: your outrage and make it something positive and go and

769
00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:33,239
Speaker 1: do something good. So I'm trying to pace myself and

770
00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:36,359
Speaker 1: not burn out or burn the candle at both ends

771
00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:38,800
Speaker 1: with this and be active and be aware of everything

772
00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:42,840
Speaker 1: that's going on politically. So it's, um, it's like a

773
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:46,840
Speaker 1: fun I'm right here, sweetie. You can see me open

774
00:43:46,880 --> 00:43:53,960
Speaker 1: your Oh sweet what drugs is she taking? Who knows?

775
00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:58,560
Speaker 1: People get ship faced when they come see me? Right?

776
00:43:59,040 --> 00:44:01,279
Speaker 1: We want to to show Like ten years ago, we

777
00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:02,799
Speaker 1: did a show. We were in Long Island and it

778
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,000
Speaker 1: was a theater that was in the round, and which

779
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:06,719
Speaker 1: means like you're in the center of a crowd, so

780
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:09,120
Speaker 1: like your ass is facing half the people. It's it's

781
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:11,520
Speaker 1: not a great setup, but it's old school and we're

782
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:14,120
Speaker 1: in this theater in Long Island and after we're done,

783
00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:16,440
Speaker 1: the security guard like watching me off the stage because

784
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:18,640
Speaker 1: you're surrounded by people, and he was being very protective

785
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:23,719
Speaker 1: and he's like, sorry, there's vomit everywhere, like every girl

786
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:25,800
Speaker 1: there had thrown up. He's like, wow, you really attract

787
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:29,879
Speaker 1: quite a crowd. He's like, last time I saw this

788
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:35,360
Speaker 1: was zz top. I'm like, yeah, I'm sure this theater

789
00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:38,160
Speaker 1: has seen its share of vomit. Yes, I'm sure it has.

790
00:44:38,360 --> 00:44:41,160
Speaker 1: But anyway, I'm optimistic about the future because I think

791
00:44:41,160 --> 00:44:42,640
Speaker 1: we have to be and we have to live in

792
00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:45,040
Speaker 1: a state of hopefulness. And I really wanted to get

793
00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:47,200
Speaker 1: my head on straight. And the thing that I learned

794
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:49,000
Speaker 1: the most is like, in order to be of use

795
00:44:49,239 --> 00:44:51,319
Speaker 1: to anyone really in this world, you have to get

796
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:53,440
Speaker 1: your ship together, and you have to clean out your

797
00:44:53,480 --> 00:45:02,200
Speaker 1: own injuries. And now amen, sister, and sister Amen speak

798
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:07,000
Speaker 1: it so also, you're living an honest life, living an

799
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:09,759
Speaker 1: honest and true life. You are even sober, and I'm

800
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:13,960
Speaker 1: living living an honest life. Cheers, cheers. I didn't say

801
00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:16,880
Speaker 1: you were living a sober life. But I want to

802
00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:18,800
Speaker 1: read this last part of the book for you guys

803
00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:26,239
Speaker 1: before you get get going, because wow, we have these

804
00:45:26,280 --> 00:45:29,759
Speaker 1: I Decide bracelets and these necklaces and t shirts that

805
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:32,799
Speaker 1: say I decide because of something I wrote in the book.

806
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:34,280
Speaker 1: Hold on, let me get rid of my camel toe.

807
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 1: And second, don't see, don't let other people decide what

808
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:49,400
Speaker 1: kind of mood you're going to be in. Don't let

809
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:52,439
Speaker 1: anyone change your life in one day. Don't let death

810
00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:54,479
Speaker 1: take you down and keep you down. You go down,

811
00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:57,080
Speaker 1: but get back up. If we don't give into our

812
00:45:57,120 --> 00:46:00,000
Speaker 1: despair and instead lock it away, we failed to properly

813
00:46:00,080 --> 00:46:02,920
Speaker 1: more in the people we love. How on earth are

814
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:05,120
Speaker 1: we honoring the very people we are grieving if we

815
00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:07,920
Speaker 1: failed to more in them fully, we should be celebrating

816
00:46:07,920 --> 00:46:11,400
Speaker 1: the people we've lost. I missed thirty years of celebrating

817
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:14,600
Speaker 1: my brother. I decide to grow up. I decided to

818
00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:17,879
Speaker 1: be better. I decided to take my life back. All

819
00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:20,239
Speaker 1: the proceeds for the T shirts and the bracelet's go

820
00:46:20,320 --> 00:46:22,960
Speaker 1: to UM True Colors United, which is an organization for

821
00:46:23,040 --> 00:46:24,960
Speaker 1: l g B t q I a youth through a

822
00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:27,960
Speaker 1: homeless Thank you so much for the support and I

823
00:46:28,000 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 1: totally appreciate it. And thank you to Pottie Brittain, my

824
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:33,680
Speaker 1: very good friend, for being here tonight. Thank you guys.

825
00:46:40,080 --> 00:46:42,200
Speaker 1: Um Okay, Brandon, Well, that was a live show, so

826
00:46:42,280 --> 00:46:44,320
Speaker 1: you now, I just want to make an announcement to

827
00:46:44,360 --> 00:46:47,319
Speaker 1: everybody that I've had twenty one shows and you haven't

828
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:49,080
Speaker 1: been to one, and l A is the city you've

829
00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:51,080
Speaker 1: dwell in and you didn't even come to that show.

830
00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:53,040
Speaker 1: Brandon had plans in the night of my show. You're

831
00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:54,920
Speaker 1: in LA, Yes, but my new plan is to come

832
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:56,360
Speaker 1: to one of your other shows, like I really like

833
00:46:56,440 --> 00:46:59,040
Speaker 1: to go to New Orleans or St. Louis. Maybe naturally, well,

834
00:46:59,080 --> 00:47:01,040
Speaker 1: we need to add first left, you're not coming to

835
00:47:01,080 --> 00:47:03,319
Speaker 1: any those shows. I added new dates where I'm gonna

836
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:06,240
Speaker 1: be doing stand up. So though that's Westbury, Long Island,

837
00:47:06,239 --> 00:47:10,880
Speaker 1: I'm coming to Atlanta. I'm coming home to Mountclair, New Jersey, St. Louis, Minneapolis,

838
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:13,520
Speaker 1: New Orleans, and Nashville. So go to live nation dot

839
00:47:13,560 --> 00:47:16,399
Speaker 1: com for tickets to a live show where I will

840
00:47:16,400 --> 00:47:18,719
Speaker 1: be doing stand up and Brandon will not be. We'll

841
00:47:18,760 --> 00:47:20,840
Speaker 1: be back next week with my psychiatrist who's going to

842
00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:23,400
Speaker 1: break down the angiogram for everybody who's been asking questions

843
00:47:23,440 --> 00:47:27,400
Speaker 1: about that. Life will be the Death of Me as

844
00:47:27,400 --> 00:47:29,759
Speaker 1: a production of I Heeart Radio. For more podcasts from

845
00:47:29,760 --> 00:47:33,000
Speaker 1: my Heart Radio, visit the i Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

846
00:47:33,080 --> 00:47:37,399
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Oh