Speaker 1: I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for some, and a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the R Spot, a
Speaker 1: production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the R Spot. I am your facilitator, your host,
Speaker 1: your partner on the journey. As we hear on the
Speaker 1: R Spot, look at and explore, investigate, examine all of
Speaker 1: those things that make relationships better, and we look at
Speaker 1: some of the hard questions, some of the hard things.
Speaker 1: Now got a hot topic today because most of my
Speaker 1: guests and most of the questions that I received come
Speaker 1: from women. But today we want to talk about men.
Speaker 1: We just want to talk about what a good man wants,
Speaker 1: you know, So today we want to know what is
Speaker 1: it that a good man wants? All right, don't you
Speaker 1: want to know that, ladies? But so very often as women,
Speaker 1: we want to tell a man what he wants or
Speaker 1: what he should want. We want to tell him what
Speaker 1: we got and want him to accept it. But today
Speaker 1: my guest is going to help us here and receive
Speaker 1: and understand what a good man wants from a man's perspective.
Speaker 2: How about that?
Speaker 1: Okay? My guest today is Coach Ken Canyon. He's a
Speaker 1: transformative coach. That means he's changing relationships just like we
Speaker 1: do here on the R Spot. He has a very
Speaker 1: distinct approach that he calls the Kanyan Culture methodology, and
Speaker 1: it's about reinventing how our relationships function and fostering an
Speaker 1: environment of empathy and mutual respect. Huge, huge in today's world.
Speaker 1: So my guest today by offering the world the Kanyan
Speaker 1: culture and creating relationships that last by employing what he
Speaker 1: calls the Kanyan Culture methodology, this is a man who's
Speaker 1: giving us some insight that we can use to grow, heal,
Speaker 1: and expand our relationships.
Speaker 3: The author of eight books, eight books, and he's a
Speaker 3: relationship coach on the MTV show Unfaithful, Caught in the Act,
Speaker 3: Caught in the Act.
Speaker 1: He's also the creator and founder of the Relationship Academy
Speaker 1: and the creator and founder of the Pocket Communication. Yeah
Speaker 1: for coaches. So, Coach Ken, thank you for joining me today. Boy,
Speaker 1: this is gonna be exciting. But let's talk about what
Speaker 1: a good man wants. Let's start here. What is a
Speaker 1: good man? How are you defining a good man?
Speaker 4: Well, first off, let me just say thank you. I mean,
Speaker 4: I have been watching you for many years and I
Speaker 4: want to say thank you. I must be doing something
Speaker 4: right to be here in your presence. I appreciate you.
Speaker 4: So let's get started. Like you said, first of all,
Speaker 4: Trigger Warner, there are going to be some people who
Speaker 4: will not accept what I'm about to say. So let
Speaker 4: me start out by saying good is a relative term
Speaker 4: that defined by different people different ways.
Speaker 2: Now, what I want to do is take a collective approach.
Speaker 2: And I've coached.
Speaker 4: Thousands of women and thousands of men, and so I
Speaker 4: want to use a consensus, my consensus of what I
Speaker 4: believe and based on the knowledge I've gathered, the relationships
Speaker 4: I've saved, all of that, I think a good man
Speaker 4: is number one, a man who wants to desires to
Speaker 4: be a better version of himself. First, he starts there
Speaker 4: and that perspective, and he understands, he's self aware that
Speaker 4: there are areas and deficiencies about him, that he's not
Speaker 4: a perfect man, but he's a man that's willing to
Speaker 4: progress now as it pertains to a relationship. A good
Speaker 4: man is a man that who not only when Number
Speaker 4: one wants to empower the woman that he's with the
Speaker 4: word empower means to give power, the power to be herself,
Speaker 4: to power to grow, to power to evolve. The second
Speaker 4: thing he wants. A good man is as a man.
Speaker 4: That is, his existence in a relationship is about partnership,
Speaker 4: about partnering. I'm neither in front of the person or
Speaker 4: behind the person. I'm allowing our relationship to involve, to
Speaker 4: evolve to its highest possible Zenian based on who we
Speaker 4: are as individuals. Okay, a good man, A good man
Speaker 4: is a person who says, I am.
Speaker 2: Willing to let you be me. I mean let you
Speaker 2: be you and me be me.
Speaker 4: And so when I go from that perspective, all of
Speaker 4: the other things, whether he provides, whether he make one
Speaker 4: hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year or whether he
Speaker 4: makes seventy five thousand dollars a year, whether he talks
Speaker 4: a lot, of whether he doesn't talk a lot, everything
Speaker 4: falls under this context.
Speaker 1: That is so very interesting when particularly the self awareness,
Speaker 1: because I believe that we go into relationships to become
Speaker 1: even more self aware. And the pieces and parts that
Speaker 1: we're probably going to become most aware of are the
Speaker 1: parts that we don't want to acknowledge.
Speaker 4: That's what makes him good because you know, like I know,
Speaker 4: relationships reveal parts of us that we don't really know
Speaker 4: that exists. Okay, but he's willing to take that part.
Speaker 4: Remember I started with he wants to be a better
Speaker 4: version of himself. I started with he takes even though
Speaker 4: even in my own relationship, even though I don't like
Speaker 4: some of the things that was revealed to me before
Speaker 4: on this journey, I'm not a good communicator.
Speaker 2: I can be overbearing, controlling sometimes.
Speaker 4: Well, those are the things that help me to evolve
Speaker 4: and to the better person that I am today.
Speaker 2: And so I was willing.
Speaker 4: I didn't like it, but I was willing to take
Speaker 4: it and use it to become something new.
Speaker 2: That's why a city's a good.
Speaker 1: Man willingness, A good man is willing. I think that
Speaker 1: is absolutely key. So is the good man looking for
Speaker 1: those same qualities attributes in a woman.
Speaker 4: Ah, Now that's when we get to the sticky part.
Speaker 2: He yes.
Speaker 4: And So I had this conversation the other day with
Speaker 4: I have a relationship academy, got one hundred women in there,
Speaker 4: and I said to them, I said, a lot of
Speaker 4: you say that you want a good man a lot,
Speaker 4: but I don't think a lot of you are ready
Speaker 4: for a good man.
Speaker 2: You see a good man.
Speaker 4: And when I broke down, when a good man, a
Speaker 4: good man is going to point out the areas that
Speaker 4: we need to improve upon, not only me but you
Speaker 4: And so a lot of people don't want to hear that.
Speaker 4: A lot of people. And I'm gonna be honest with you.
Speaker 4: I coach a lot of a lot of ladies and
Speaker 4: I coach man. That's the cool thing about what I do.
Speaker 4: I get the coach bo. But I had this conversation
Speaker 4: and a lot of women say, hey, I want a
Speaker 4: man to be this, this, this, this and this, have this,
Speaker 4: this and this and this. And my first question is
Speaker 4: that what you seek? Do you have it? That what
Speaker 4: you seek? Are you en route to get it? So
Speaker 4: you want a man with a six pack, but are
Speaker 4: you exercising at all? They're like, no, I want a
Speaker 4: man who makes two three hundred thousand dollars year.
Speaker 2: I said, are you financially capable? Have you? No? No,
Speaker 2: I'm not there I said, so.
Speaker 4: In other words, what the reality is is you want
Speaker 4: someone to have something you're not willing to attain, and
Speaker 4: you want to hold someone to a higher standard than
Speaker 4: you're willing to hold yourself to.
Speaker 2: And some of them didn't like it, some of them
Speaker 2: but here.
Speaker 4: But the kicker is this, the people who get that
Speaker 4: message men are women. Those are the ones that I
Speaker 4: am that are finding relationships. Those are the ones that
Speaker 4: are I won't say I'm putting them in relationships, I'm helping,
Speaker 4: but a lot of them have realized that on this
Speaker 4: journey that we're on, all of us need to level up.
Speaker 4: Everybody's got to be better, you know. And so that's
Speaker 4: just that's that's how I.
Speaker 2: Look at it.
Speaker 1: Okay, let me go back here for a moment, because
Speaker 1: I have a theory that a man, I call it
Speaker 1: the four P theory. Men and the women have their a's.
Speaker 1: Men have four p's, Women have four a's. Provide, protect, perform.
Speaker 1: That means, you know, if a mouse runs across the floor,
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to get it. Don't don't scream and
Speaker 1: run and push me in the direction, and uh, perform
Speaker 1: and please. That means, know the things that make me smile. No,
Speaker 1: you know my flower, my color, my perfume. So let's
Speaker 1: because today my experience is maybe yours is different. The
Speaker 1: first thing a woman, many women, not a woman, but many,
Speaker 1: particularly the youngins, look at is the money I want
Speaker 1: a man who makes six figures. I guess where the
Speaker 1: tension comes for that is the provide part. If it
Speaker 1: is a man's responsibility to provide. He's the leader, he's
Speaker 1: going to provide. Yes, we can be in partnership. But
Speaker 1: if he's going to provide, is it out of order?
Speaker 1: Is it inappropriate for a woman to be concerned with
Speaker 1: the amount of money he makes?
Speaker 4: It is not out of order, y'all. Let me ask
Speaker 4: you a question. See, here's where the problem, where the
Speaker 4: distortion is. The distortion is is that that is.
Speaker 2: The primary focus.
Speaker 4: Okay, his money, because social media, society, whatever it is.
Speaker 4: Because I know people who say they have convinced them.
Speaker 4: We tell ourselves a story. They convince themselves that if
Speaker 4: he makes X number dollars, I'm gonna be happy. They
Speaker 4: made that correlation that with the high income. And then
Speaker 4: they get it, and then they get it and realize,
Speaker 4: Number one, he's an asshole. Number two he doesn't care
Speaker 4: about my emotional security, mental security. He didn't do any
Speaker 4: of that, and he doesn't have time for me. He's
Speaker 4: not willing to sacrifice.
Speaker 2: Any of that.
Speaker 4: And then one, so now I got the man that
Speaker 4: makes all this money.
Speaker 2: And then I realize, now, really.
Speaker 4: What comes into focus is the theme that I truly
Speaker 4: desire the things I truly desire.
Speaker 2: See, what we're living on is an illusion.
Speaker 4: Initially, we're living on this illusion that I believe that
Speaker 4: if I acquired this, if I have this, which results,
Speaker 4: here's what it results in. Our relationships and our view
Speaker 4: of relationships have become transactional. So if he can buy
Speaker 4: me this, he's a candidate. If I can get this,
Speaker 4: he's a candidate. If he cannot, I will discard him.
Speaker 4: He's not a good candidate. And so while your fourth
Speaker 4: I'll go back to your four piece. Your four piece
Speaker 4: you start with, provide. Okay, that is very The question
Speaker 4: whether he can provide for our family is a question
Speaker 4: that is necessary and primary it is it's necessary. But
Speaker 4: what is provision? I mean, what is provision? Everybody can
Speaker 4: define what provision is in a different way. And so okay,
Speaker 4: let's say now he provides, right, But you said some
Speaker 4: other things. You said protect, you said please, and then
Speaker 4: you said perform. So but I put an orderate amount
Speaker 4: of weight on providing, Yeah, and provision, and so the
Speaker 4: other things I let go. And you notice to be true.
Speaker 4: You notice to be true. Some people will let things
Speaker 4: go they know are not good for them, but because
Speaker 4: he's got the provision. And I understand why, because I
Speaker 4: understand the number one need for women is security. I
Speaker 4: get it. They need security in a relationship. They want
Speaker 4: to know that, and it makes sense. But to forgo
Speaker 4: the rest of it, I don't think it's healthy.
Speaker 1: No, No, I one degree. I want to look at
Speaker 1: this because one of the things that you're speaking to
Speaker 1: is about values, and I didn't hear you, but I'm
Speaker 1: going to assume a good man has values. We'll talk
Speaker 1: about that right after the spring. Welcome back to the
Speaker 1: R Spot. Let's get back to the conversation. My guest
Speaker 1: today is Coach Ken Canyon, and we're talking about what
Speaker 1: a good man wants. And we just got started and
Speaker 1: I got fifty eight thousand questions. But before the break,
Speaker 1: I want to talk about this new phenomena that's going
Speaker 1: on and really again among the youngins transactional relationships. Can
Speaker 1: you can you break that down for us, because I
Speaker 1: think some people, particularly the youngins, think that that's the
Speaker 1: way it is. But there's some pieces missing in transactional relationships.
Speaker 1: So from a man's perspective, since we're talking about what
Speaker 1: good men.
Speaker 2: Want, so listen transactions. You know, I hear this conversation
Speaker 2: of fifty to fifty.
Speaker 4: Okay, you know there's a whole thing about fifty to
Speaker 4: fifty because what we've done is we've reduced the relationship
Speaker 4: to financial when we say fifty to fifty. But what
Speaker 4: I wanted to tell them is I said, wait minute,
Speaker 4: there's a problem with that. So when you approach a
Speaker 4: relationship with partnership, sometimes a partner may have to put
Speaker 4: eighty twenty. Sometimes it maybe seventy thirty or ninety ten.
Speaker 4: I'll never forget it. I want to give you a
Speaker 4: quick story about four fifteen years ago. I was on
Speaker 4: a reality show called The Biggest Loser. I was four
Speaker 4: hundred and thirty pounds, and I will never forget it.
Speaker 4: I was I was traveling around the country and I
Speaker 4: was making money. I was doing seminars, I was speaking,
Speaker 4: and I knew that if I kept up the way
Speaker 4: that I was going, eating and doing whatever. I wouldn't
Speaker 4: be here for five years. My wife and I we
Speaker 4: were married, we had been married six years, and I
Speaker 4: told my wife, I said, I wanted to apply for
Speaker 4: this show.
Speaker 2: So I ended up getting on the show. And I
Speaker 2: had to. I had seventy five thousand dollars worth of
Speaker 2: contracts I had to let go. I could not get
Speaker 2: I could not perform for nine months.
Speaker 4: My wife paid every bill. Now, listen to what I'm saying. Now,
Speaker 4: I'll never forget. I sat at my desk on the
Speaker 4: time because my job was working out twice a day,
Speaker 4: six eight hours a day.
Speaker 2: That was my job. And so I went to her
Speaker 2: and she worked two jobs.
Speaker 4: Now, she brought the money, put it on my desk
Speaker 4: one day and turned around and left.
Speaker 2: And I cried as a grown man.
Speaker 4: I sat, there were tears in my eyes, and I
Speaker 4: thought to myself. She didn't say one word, she didn't
Speaker 4: try to masculate me. She took I took the money,
Speaker 4: and and and and we and it kept us going
Speaker 4: for nine months till I got off the show. My
Speaker 4: wife has not had to work since that day. She
Speaker 4: has not had to work now, she does work works
Speaker 4: in our company, but she's not had to work. But
Speaker 4: that's what partnership is. At that point, I couldn't give.
Speaker 4: I could financial that, I couldn't give anything. I said,
Speaker 4: let me go do this work.
Speaker 2: Sometimes.
Speaker 4: Another case was where her her dad died four years ago,
Speaker 4: three years she grieved and she didn't have anything from
Speaker 4: me emotionally, I said, I'll give you ninety give me
Speaker 4: the ten you got.
Speaker 2: I'm good.
Speaker 4: And see what we've done is we have looked at
Speaker 4: relationships transactionally. It's just money. It's so much more than money.
Speaker 4: If it's ever going to work, that's what partnership is. Then,
Speaker 4: so when I approach the whole idea of transactional relationships,
Speaker 4: I look at I'm like, you're doing yourself a disservice.
Speaker 4: And then and the other thing, I tell ladies, what
Speaker 4: if the guy gets sick. Okay, he paying all the bills.
Speaker 2: Now, he pay all.
Speaker 4: The bills, okay, take care everything. But he gets sick
Speaker 4: and he can't pay, then then what do you leave him?
Speaker 4: Does its value diminish because he can't pay?
Speaker 2: I mean? And so that's what I say.
Speaker 4: The whole concept of transactional relationships are flawed, But how
Speaker 4: can you meet somebody you discard all of.
Speaker 2: The other values, all of the other things.
Speaker 4: They break to the table if his money ain't quite
Speaker 4: where and she would be I'm just asking.
Speaker 1: You said a word that I want to really investigate,
Speaker 1: because I think that many women are ignorant of what
Speaker 1: this is and how they consciously and unconsciously do it.
Speaker 1: The word is emasculate, emasculate. How beloved does a woman
Speaker 1: emasculate a man?
Speaker 4: Emasculation in this sense is when number one, there are
Speaker 4: several ways. Number one, when you always tell the man
Speaker 4: what he's not instead of telling him what he is. Honey,
Speaker 4: I love the way you raise the kids, but you're
Speaker 4: telling me what i'm not. You don't take them to
Speaker 4: school enough, you don't spend enough time with them. Okay.
Speaker 4: Another way women emasculate men is a comparison to something
Speaker 4: else you desire that he does not possess. Yeah, and so,
Speaker 4: what that simply means is and a lot of times
Speaker 4: you ever say, well, you know, such and such started
Speaker 4: his own business. Okay, such and such a wife started
Speaker 4: his own business. You know, he started a truck, and
Speaker 4: he went out and bought a truck. And so what
Speaker 4: the insinuation is is that I'm not enough. I'm not
Speaker 4: good enough for you, okay, And whenever that is that exists,
Speaker 4: then the other person, if they are not they don't
Speaker 4: have a strong sense of self self concept, then they
Speaker 4: could internalize that, and you.
Speaker 2: Know what happens.
Speaker 4: They will break themselves and have trying to become more,
Speaker 4: trying to satisfy this person to meet that need. And
Speaker 4: the truth is they never will. I was just gonna say.
Speaker 4: And another way that women evasculate men is by the
Speaker 4: tone of their the tone of their communication. And what
Speaker 4: I mean by tone, I don't just mean the volume.
Speaker 4: I just mean the way that they talk to a
Speaker 4: man in a disrespectful way. And on my poster the
Speaker 4: other day, somebody says, well, I just say what I
Speaker 4: want to say.
Speaker 2: He's just feminine. If he can't accept it, they.
Speaker 1: Came for me, like, let's go back to what a
Speaker 1: good man wants. So I'm going to assume tell me
Speaker 1: if I'm wrong, a good man does not want a
Speaker 1: woman who's going to affirm his deficits. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 2: That would be accurate.
Speaker 4: You can say anything if you say it the right
Speaker 4: way you can say anything, and what you're doing is
Speaker 4: by affirming his deficits.
Speaker 2: For instance, let me tell you how my wife did
Speaker 2: it to me.
Speaker 4: My wife says sometimes she said, I don't like it
Speaker 4: when you compare me to other people. I didn't know
Speaker 4: I was comparing her to someone else, but she said
Speaker 4: it in a way she said. We were talking one day,
Speaker 4: she said, you know what, sometimes you compare me to
Speaker 4: other people, and that doesn't feel good.
Speaker 2: And when she said it, I was like, when I
Speaker 2: do that like it was?
Speaker 4: It was almost like it was I want I wanted
Speaker 4: to know what I did wrong. I wanted to fix
Speaker 4: it because the way she presented it to me, I
Speaker 4: was like, wow, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I am
Speaker 4: I am so sorry. I didn't mean to do it.
Speaker 4: And I went to I said, that was never my intention.
Speaker 4: Please let me know how. Remember when I said, a
Speaker 4: good man does he wants to He will accept even
Speaker 4: something he does not like, so that he can involve
Speaker 4: and become someone he is not today, someone a better
Speaker 4: version of himself. And so when she told me that,
Speaker 4: I said, I can't do that anymore. I cannot, but
Speaker 4: I have to know what it is. And thank you
Speaker 4: for communicating that to me.
Speaker 1: Now you said something I want I want to go
Speaker 1: back here for a moment when you were talking about
Speaker 1: the people and how they came for you on you
Speaker 1: on your thread, and the woman immediately went to, well,
Speaker 1: he's feminine if he can't take it, I've seen this
Speaker 1: even in my social media thing. Why I got to
Speaker 1: be sensitive to his needs that kind of thing, you know,
Speaker 1: and the judgment that if he doesn't accept what she
Speaker 1: says the way she says it, when she says it,
Speaker 1: that somehow or another, the onus is on him. So
Speaker 1: in terms of women wanting good man and being with
Speaker 1: a good man, how do we navigate that? How do
Speaker 1: we navigate like when you said, when did I do that?
Speaker 1: What does a woman do with the man that says
Speaker 1: I don't do that?
Speaker 2: What does she do that? Okay, so this is a
Speaker 2: great question.
Speaker 4: So my expertise, because I was so poorly at communication
Speaker 4: many years ago, I have made it my mission to
Speaker 4: teach me students how to communicate better, more effectively and so,
Speaker 4: and part of that is in how we deliver a
Speaker 4: message and how the other Because we worry so much
Speaker 4: about the other person will receive, sometimes we don't really care.
Speaker 2: We're just gonna give it to them. I'm gonna give
Speaker 2: it to me.
Speaker 4: I don't really care how you receive it, but I
Speaker 4: tell them the most important thing is if the communication
Speaker 4: does not produce the outcome that you want. If it
Speaker 4: doesn't produce the outcome, then there's something wrong with the
Speaker 4: way with your mechanics, your mechanism, the way you're doing it.
Speaker 4: And so the whole idea is how do I learn
Speaker 4: to communicate something.
Speaker 2: Better so that I can get the outcome that I desire.
Speaker 4: When you focus on the outcome rather than what you're saying,
Speaker 4: focus on okay, let me say it to produce this
Speaker 4: rather than just to feel better or to feel like
Speaker 4: I've done something.
Speaker 1: That's it. Very often my experience has been women don't
Speaker 1: have an outcome in mind other than getting you told
Speaker 1: and saying what's on my mind and expressing myself. What
Speaker 1: a good man wants. A good man wants a woman
Speaker 1: who does well, that's what he doesn't want. A good
Speaker 1: man wants a woman who affirms his strengths and with
Speaker 1: kindness and consideration, makes him aware of his shortcoming.
Speaker 2: Yes, that is very true, and so he wants in power.
Speaker 1: Good man wants a woman who, instead of comparing him
Speaker 1: to someone who has something he doesn't possess, a good
Speaker 1: man wants a woman who supports and encourages and affirms
Speaker 1: him to move forward towards just towards a desired outcome.
Speaker 1: So Booth, you know, Teddy's got a boat. You ain't
Speaker 1: got no boat. And that would turn, that would evolve
Speaker 1: into I think if we had a boat, we could
Speaker 1: go out on the weekend. Yes, don't you want to
Speaker 1: work towards getting a boat?
Speaker 4: Yes, And so let's say, let me help you with
Speaker 4: that one too. Throw The word inspires in those words
Speaker 4: you said, inspires him and inspires she says, you know what,
Speaker 4: maybe and my wife inspired me, all right, inspired me
Speaker 4: to do certain things as our companies growing, She's inspired me.
Speaker 2: She was like, fuck, here's what we can be, not
Speaker 2: what we're not.
Speaker 4: See, that's that's a different But a lot of people
Speaker 4: don't have the capacity to do that because they've never
Speaker 4: been taught how to do it. People don't do it
Speaker 4: to them, so it's foreign to them.
Speaker 2: And so it's one of those it's a cast twenty
Speaker 2: two things.
Speaker 4: If you want to get the most out of a man,
Speaker 4: And I always tell if you want to get the
Speaker 4: most out of a man, I said, praise him for
Speaker 4: something that he's done, that he does that's small. If
Speaker 4: you praise him for something that he does that is small,
Speaker 4: his mind will make it big.
Speaker 1: And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to the rspot. Okay, that's true. I love that.
Speaker 1: I know you've seen it where the kitten's looking in
Speaker 1: the mirror, but the reflection is a lion. But does
Speaker 1: a good man affirm the little things that she does?
Speaker 4: The reason why as a coach, I coach both people
Speaker 4: because I believe that everybody's got to level up, everybody's
Speaker 4: got to be a better version of themselves.
Speaker 2: And what I say, I get it that women are done.
Speaker 4: So I got into it and to a heated discussion
Speaker 4: with a brother who was talking about women. And so
Speaker 4: this is funny because my dichotomy is that on both sides,
Speaker 4: and he was talking. I said, brother, wait a minute,
Speaker 4: stop this. Women, many women are a result of the trauma,
Speaker 4: the toxicity, the things that men have put them through
Speaker 4: the times when we have been sleeping with twelve or
Speaker 4: thirteen of them, and as a result of that, they've
Speaker 4: got low self esteem, and you don't want to take
Speaker 4: any accountability for what we've done. And then I said, so,
Speaker 4: so let's start there, you know, And so I want
Speaker 4: to understand. And that is the reason why I am
Speaker 4: like this in this state of limpo, because I'm like,
Speaker 4: let's bring everybody together, but I gotta understand. But I
Speaker 4: start with, you know, we all got to be willing
Speaker 4: to look at ourselves though you know we.
Speaker 2: Got it and I know they're done.
Speaker 4: So to answer your question, a good man is should
Speaker 4: and I coach men. I coach the man the other
Speaker 4: day who's going to lose his marriage. So, by the way,
Speaker 4: I've saved two hundred and ninety nine marriages. And the
Speaker 4: reason I know that number because those are the people
Speaker 4: who was done, who were done. And I put thousands
Speaker 4: of relationships together, but those are the ones I remember.
Speaker 4: But the one thing I said is, I said, your
Speaker 4: wife says, you don't see her. You look at her
Speaker 4: every day, but you don't see who she is on inside.
Speaker 4: You never affirm her, You never talk about the things
Speaker 4: that she does as a woman. You never talk about that.
Speaker 4: Only thing you do is complain about the shit she
Speaker 4: does not do. Who wants to be around somebody that
Speaker 4: the only time I come up in.
Speaker 2: Your existence, your orbit, is when you're telling me what
Speaker 2: I'm not.
Speaker 1: And she has to not do that to him. A
Speaker 1: good woman is not going to do that, do that
Speaker 1: to him.
Speaker 2: Listen.
Speaker 1: I wanted to just on that point alone, just on
Speaker 1: that point alone. I spoke to a man about two
Speaker 1: weeks ago, fifty four years old, and here's what he said.
Speaker 1: It breaks my heart because it was very true.
Speaker 2: All my life, throughout all my.
Speaker 1: Fifty four years, what I've heard is how fl black
Speaker 1: men are.
Speaker 2: He said.
Speaker 1: It's in the songs. Ain't nothing going on with the red.
Speaker 1: I don't want no scrug, he you know, he named
Speaker 1: this whole Litana song. He said, it's in the magazines.
Speaker 1: You look in the magazine and you see white men
Speaker 1: buffing this and that and the other things. He said.
Speaker 1: In my early years, you didn't see black men in magazines.
Speaker 1: You didn't see black men in pictures, he said. And
Speaker 1: then you know, to hear women talk black men are stupid.
Speaker 1: They ain't this, They ain't that, they, he says. And
Speaker 1: now brothers, men are starting to speak out about this,
Speaker 1: he said. Before they just he said, and and and
Speaker 1: I'm really he said, I'm enraged because I don't know
Speaker 1: how to be.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: And he said, no matter how I am, people still
Speaker 1: see me as that black man ain't shit, he can't
Speaker 1: do nothing. He and got nothing, bud. And it's still
Speaker 1: in these songs, he says, And now men are speaking
Speaker 1: out about it, talking about how aggressive women are. He
Speaker 1: was speaking specifically to black women, how disrespectful they are,
Speaker 1: jumping up in our faces, calling them you know, and
Speaker 1: then when as soon as we say something, they want
Speaker 1: to fight. He said, but this is what we've heard
Speaker 1: all our lies.
Speaker 4: You're right, and that is the read that my post.
Speaker 4: A lot of brothers who came to my post and said,
Speaker 4: this is what he was talking about. What he was
Speaker 4: the combative aggressive language. This they were coming from me.
Speaker 4: And I said to myself, you know what I said,
Speaker 4: See y'all, this is what I'm talking about. For those
Speaker 4: that but but but but by by the same token tho.
Speaker 4: There were a lot of women saying that. But there
Speaker 4: were a lot of women saying, you're right, we gotta
Speaker 4: be better. I want to be better. And so it's
Speaker 4: kind of like the whole thing. If you see one
Speaker 4: person stealing some people. Somebody said that all black people steal.
Speaker 2: No, we don't, and.
Speaker 4: One woman was like, no, every woman is not like that.
Speaker 4: Some of us want to learn, some of us want
Speaker 4: to get a partner. Some of them and one lady,
Speaker 4: I want to give you this one example. Yeall like,
Speaker 4: I gotta give you this. So this lady, I say name.
Speaker 4: Her name is Teresa. Teresa sixty years old. Teresa came
Speaker 4: to me nine months ago. She joined my academy and
Speaker 4: she explained to me she called herself ill. I created
Speaker 4: a name for her, called this pop off mis pop Off.
Speaker 4: She said, if I see something, miss pop Off, you
Speaker 4: know she'll pop off in a minute. She was like,
Speaker 4: I'll pop off. I see something not right, I'm gonna
Speaker 4: pop off. And I said, how's that working for you?
Speaker 4: She said, Coach, the truth is it ain't working for me.
Speaker 4: I want a relationship. So I told her, can we
Speaker 4: start with that. Your desire, your intention is to have
Speaker 4: a relationship. I said, then let me dissect you like
Speaker 4: a doctor and say part of the reason you can't
Speaker 4: cause you're a beautiful woman. She thought it was her age.
Speaker 4: I said, h age, I said, it's your communication. So
Speaker 4: it took us. We started working together and she and
Speaker 4: her relationship with her family change. And I said, you're
Speaker 4: going to meet some duds along the way. And I
Speaker 4: showed her how to vet people. I have a system,
Speaker 4: and she said, And she finally she met a guy.
Speaker 4: She said, Coach, he's a good man. And I didn't
Speaker 4: know how to act. I was expecting to shoot a drop,
Speaker 4: I asked by. I said, no, let's face that. Let's
Speaker 4: communicate through that. I taught her how to communicate. She
Speaker 4: got married three weeks ago to this man, and she
Speaker 4: came on to last Sunday to tell the other ladies.
Speaker 4: She was like, y'all, when I decided to embrace some
Speaker 4: feminine energy and.
Speaker 2: I stopped popping off. This man told me I want
Speaker 2: to protect you. He says, I don't want to hurt you.
Speaker 2: And she says, I don't even know how to act
Speaker 2: in him? Is embrace? She said?
Speaker 4: I said, I said, live in the present, go with it.
Speaker 4: I said, be that feminine woman. I know it's different.
Speaker 4: The reason I give you that example because people can change.
Speaker 4: They just got to decide to They just got to decide.
Speaker 1: What about this. Here's some questions, Coach. Can is it
Speaker 1: true that a good man is looking for a woman
Speaker 1: to be his peace and his soft place to fall.
Speaker 2: Absolutely true.
Speaker 1: How does she do that? How does a woman be
Speaker 1: a man's piece and this soft place to fall and
Speaker 1: still give him the feedback he may need to make
Speaker 1: some changes and improvements.
Speaker 4: Okay, so I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna give you
Speaker 4: a formula that I give my people. I'm gonna give
Speaker 4: you a formula. I'm gonna give you a formula to be.
Speaker 4: First of all, I understand the number one thing that
Speaker 4: a good man wants his piece. Listen, a black man,
Speaker 4: I want to talk about. A black man faces all
Speaker 4: kind of adversity. I mean, I face adversity in the
Speaker 4: economic realm. I'm facing adversity, you know, if you think
Speaker 4: about it. When I when I walk outside, I'm already tense.
Speaker 4: I'm already looking around because I'm a black man. And
Speaker 4: so when that when I when I come home, my
Speaker 4: home has to be my piece. And what I say,
Speaker 4: my home is the way my woman and me interact.
Speaker 4: I want it to be a piece. Now, Now, some
Speaker 4: men don't create peace of environments. I understand that, and
Speaker 4: so I am not saying that they're all men do that,
Speaker 4: but let me show you what you can do to
Speaker 4: facilitate an environment of peace.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 4: First thing a woman does is is say is speak
Speaker 4: her intention. I want to blank. I want to create
Speaker 4: a place where our home is peaceful, I want to tell.
Speaker 4: And what you're doing is you're actually programming his subconscious
Speaker 4: to your desire. All right, So a lot of people
Speaker 4: say I'm just doing it. First of all, let me
Speaker 4: plant the seed to program his subconscious. I want to
Speaker 4: provide a place where you can.
Speaker 2: Talk to me.
Speaker 4: Now, this might be even a man who doesn't talk
Speaker 4: a lot, even a man who's not emotionally available. But
Speaker 4: when you tell, when you plant the seed into his
Speaker 4: subconscious that this is what I want to create, all right, that's.
Speaker 2: The first step. Because you might be a long ways
Speaker 2: off from that. Initially.
Speaker 4: He might not talk a lot. He may be the
Speaker 4: kind of person who's been through who's had some trauma,
Speaker 4: who doesn't communicate. So what we do is plant to
Speaker 4: see all right. The second thing we do. The second
Speaker 4: thing we do is we talked about it before, is.
Speaker 2: A firm who he is not?
Speaker 4: Who he isn't Okay, So when I tell you I
Speaker 4: want to create a place of piece, I got to
Speaker 4: set the plate the stage for that piece.
Speaker 2: So if I.
Speaker 4: Tell you men want to be around women, listen, that's
Speaker 4: what listen.
Speaker 2: Please listen, everybody listen. A man don't act like we
Speaker 2: think a good man.
Speaker 4: A good man wants to be around a woman that
Speaker 4: makes him feel good about himself.
Speaker 2: Period. Okay, and so when you affirm what he does.
Speaker 4: Now, second, third thing is this right here, do the
Speaker 4: thing that you want First, listen to what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: Okay. If you want a man to communicate, you communicate first.
Speaker 4: Because a lot of people wait, a lot of people say, well,
Speaker 4: he ain't doing it, I ain't gonna do it. A
Speaker 4: lot of us don't have examples of what good communication
Speaker 4: looks like.
Speaker 2: So what I want you to do is be the change.
Speaker 4: Show him, be the example of the very thing that
Speaker 4: you want to see.
Speaker 2: So, if you want him to.
Speaker 4: Communicate, he is how you communicate, and you communicate in
Speaker 4: a way effectively, you communicate from your heart. If you
Speaker 4: want him to resolve conflict, then you start it. First,
Speaker 4: you get the knowledge, you find out, you get a
Speaker 4: coach king, you hire a yalla, and then what you find.
Speaker 2: Out is how to communicate.
Speaker 4: So what happens is you do it first, and what
Speaker 4: happens and then again, what you're doing is you're starting
Speaker 4: to program his subconscious mind that this is a.
Speaker 1: Peaceful place and Coach can help me with this. I
Speaker 1: could be wrong, and I'm willing to be wrong. I
Speaker 1: promise you. I'm willing to be wrong. But you' and
Speaker 1: I been married three times? Seen or Am I making
Speaker 1: up that women seem to have to do or expected
Speaker 1: to do most of the work that's subtle work to
Speaker 1: keep the relationship solid and healthy? Am I making that up?
Speaker 4: I don't think you're making it up. I think that
Speaker 4: is a societal.
Speaker 2: Result.
Speaker 4: And let's be honest, there's a double standard in everything.
Speaker 4: There's a double standard and everything. I think that women
Speaker 4: are charged with doing more based on societal standards. Absolutely absolutely,
Speaker 4: you got to keep going, you got to bring home
Speaker 4: the banker, you got to make yourselves look good, you
Speaker 4: got to take care of the kids. At absolutely no, no,
Speaker 4: I get it. And that's true. Now here's the thing, though,
Speaker 4: with all of those distractions that are necessary things that
Speaker 4: we have to do, you know what, we forget a
Speaker 4: lot of times we forget the connection that created the
Speaker 4: distractions that created the kids that created the home, that
Speaker 4: created all of the stuff that we have. The connection
Speaker 4: is what created that, and we forget about the connection
Speaker 4: that created the distractions, and then the distractions become the
Speaker 4: main thing.
Speaker 1: I think that we get so busy doing in a
Speaker 1: relationship that we get to be in the relationship that
Speaker 1: being is the connection. Coach Ken, this is I've got
Speaker 1: so much that I want to ask you. I want
Speaker 1: to ask you, would you be willing to do a
Speaker 1: part two with me?
Speaker 2: Of course we're gonna do a part two.
Speaker 1: So everybody listen. We've been talking about what a good
Speaker 1: man wants. Now you know, I was a kindergarten teacher,
Speaker 1: so I got to do my review what a good man.
Speaker 1: First of all, a good man is someone who wants
Speaker 1: to be a better version of himself.
Speaker 2: He wants to progress.
Speaker 1: A good man is one who wants to empower his partner.
Speaker 1: That means he wants his partner to heal and grow
Speaker 1: and evolve, and he wants to support her. A good
Speaker 1: man is one who's about partnership, not about being in
Speaker 1: control or running the ship. And a good man wants
Speaker 1: to let you be you while he be he. And
Speaker 1: a good man is willing. He's got a level of willingness,
Speaker 1: a willingness to heal, a willingness to heal, a willingness
Speaker 1: to grow, all the things you got to be willing about.
Speaker 1: A good man is a man who wants a partner
Speaker 1: who does not affirm his deficits. A good man that does.
Speaker 1: A good partner for a good man is not going
Speaker 1: to compare him to what he does not have and
Speaker 1: couldn't do. And a good man it wants some one
Speaker 1: whose tone of communication affirms him and the tone of
Speaker 1: communication and the communication creates an outcome. Now, that is
Speaker 1: what we covered in part one, and Coach Ken is
Speaker 1: gonna be here with me next week and we're gonna.
Speaker 2: Cover part two.
Speaker 1: Be sure to call all your girlfriends and particularly the
Speaker 1: ones who pop off, and have them here next week.
Speaker 1: I am Yamla. This is the our spot. Stay in
Speaker 1: peace and not in pieces. The R Spot is a
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your face it Chell