1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,360
Speaker 1: Hey, guys, welcome to this week episode of the PhD podcast.

2
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:06,320
Speaker 1: It's your girl, Ebene, and this week we're gonna be

3
00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:09,000
Speaker 1: talking on a very important topic that that I think

4
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,559
Speaker 1: that a lot of people don't talk about. UM as

5
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:13,720
Speaker 1: you know, I don't introduce my guests. All of my

6
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,760
Speaker 1: guests are not on this, So let's get right into it.

7
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:21,880
Speaker 1: Let's go. I'm ready. Okay, So it's gonna be random

8
00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:23,919
Speaker 1: as hell, but it has a lot to do it

9
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:30,080
Speaker 1: just bear with me. I got so the other day

10
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:35,240
Speaker 1: I was watching both Thugs and Harmony UM on song

11
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:37,360
Speaker 1: so on sung it's pretty much for those who don't

12
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:39,720
Speaker 1: know what it is, it's pretty much like a history

13
00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:41,960
Speaker 1: of the person's life and what they went through and

14
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,520
Speaker 1: how they came to where they are and the person

15
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,000
Speaker 1: that they are as far as the celebrity and on

16
00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:49,239
Speaker 1: how they overcame something struggles and all this other stuff. Right, So,

17
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,440
Speaker 1: as I was watching both Thus and Harmony, I was

18
00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:54,200
Speaker 1: just like, jeez, like, it's just so crazy how in

19
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,280
Speaker 1: our community, like we are so traumatized at such a

20
00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:01,160
Speaker 1: young age and we just it's like we we cope

21
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,480
Speaker 1: with it, like and not. No, I'm not gonna say

22
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,560
Speaker 1: we cope with it. We just we keep it going, like,

23
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,760
Speaker 1: we keep pushing like And I was just thinking, like,

24
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:10,120
Speaker 1: don if you listen to all these songs that calog

25
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:12,720
Speaker 1: it's just because just feel their pain. I guess when

26
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:15,160
Speaker 1: I was a kid, I never really understood it because

27
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,119
Speaker 1: some of the they were talking about was, um, they

28
00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,039
Speaker 1: they went through when they was an adult. That now

29
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:23,399
Speaker 1: I can relate to. Yeah, but it's just said, how

30
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:27,720
Speaker 1: like your childhood can really affect your adulthood and things

31
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,280
Speaker 1: that you do in your adulthood is based off the

32
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:34,800
Speaker 1: things that you went through your in your childhood. So

33
00:01:35,319 --> 00:01:39,520
Speaker 1: how has trauma from your childhood affected your adulthood? Oh? Wow,

34
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,760
Speaker 1: I mean that's a load of question. So I definitely

35
00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,080
Speaker 1: I agree with you on what you just said, and

36
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,520
Speaker 1: I just want to comment on that for a minute. Um,

37
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:51,360
Speaker 1: I definitely through all of the different trials and tribulations

38
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,320
Speaker 1: that I've been through, I think the best things that

39
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,000
Speaker 1: I've done to get therapy and we can talk about

40
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:59,360
Speaker 1: that later, but through all of that, UM that my

41
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:04,680
Speaker 1: major take way is that you know, as a black woman, UM,

42
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:11,079
Speaker 1: we are generation generation generationally taught to to not talk

43
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,360
Speaker 1: about our problems and that dates back to you know,

44
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,680
Speaker 1: as far as slavery, you know what I mean, but

45
00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:20,560
Speaker 1: it it really is just the fact that we endored

46
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:23,800
Speaker 1: so much as the people that would have broken anybody else.

47
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:25,240
Speaker 1: And one of the ways that we got through it

48
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,560
Speaker 1: is just to keep pushing because at that time, we

49
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,680
Speaker 1: couldn't change our circumstances. And I think that that's carried

50
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:34,839
Speaker 1: down throughout you know, centuries, and we're at a good

51
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:38,200
Speaker 1: place now where we are free to talk about and

52
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,200
Speaker 1: it's a little bit more accepted to talk about trauma

53
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,639
Speaker 1: and you know, mental illness or just mental awareness. And

54
00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:46,919
Speaker 1: in total, so I'm so glad that we're doing this podcast. Um, okay,

55
00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:49,919
Speaker 1: so childhood. No, I'm excited too, because I feel like

56
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,560
Speaker 1: you really can't. A lot of people can't really like

57
00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:54,160
Speaker 1: talk about certain things that goes on what their li

58
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,280
Speaker 1: because they're afraid of people gonna judge them for your

59
00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:59,560
Speaker 1: people are gonna understand. But just like, I didn't realize

60
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,880
Speaker 1: that I was on to my own trauma until my

61
00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:05,000
Speaker 1: grandmother passed away, and that's when everything that came to

62
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:06,799
Speaker 1: a head and I was like, oh my god, I'm

63
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:11,280
Speaker 1: going crazy because I never experienced that before. That was

64
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,960
Speaker 1: like going through trauma or like have an anxiety, Like

65
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,600
Speaker 1: it's so aggressive, like it just comes out of nowhere

66
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,919
Speaker 1: and you'd just be like and I'm not even oh,

67
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:21,919
Speaker 1: I feel like it's always been there. It's just that

68
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:28,000
Speaker 1: trigger it happens. Yeah. So, UM, I'll just talked a

69
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:31,560
Speaker 1: little bit about UM as conspicuously as I can. I'll

70
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,840
Speaker 1: talk a little bit about like, you know, my background

71
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:35,840
Speaker 1: and just some of the things that I feel like

72
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:40,640
Speaker 1: really made an impact. So. UM, I came from, you know,

73
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,720
Speaker 1: a fairly good home. My parents were married when they

74
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:48,160
Speaker 1: had me and my sisters, and UM, I actually went

75
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:51,720
Speaker 1: to private school, so I was like the only black

76
00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:56,480
Speaker 1: girl in my class. Um, like a very white school. Um.

77
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,960
Speaker 1: The whole school had like five hundred students, and those

78
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:03,960
Speaker 1: five hundreds they were like for um, students of any color. Um. I.

79
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,920
Speaker 1: But I grew up in like a black church. You know.

80
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,040
Speaker 1: My parents were definitely like you know, they're from a

81
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,920
Speaker 1: black neighborhood. So it's not like I didn't have that outside,

82
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,760
Speaker 1: but my day to day was definitely you know, not minority. UM.

83
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:20,400
Speaker 1: My parents got divorced UM when I was in high school,

84
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,520
Speaker 1: but they had not really been together been together for

85
00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:27,240
Speaker 1: a long time, so like sleeping in the same bed

86
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,359
Speaker 1: or you know, doing family activities together that had not

87
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:35,479
Speaker 1: been uh their reality for probably about seven years leading

88
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,719
Speaker 1: up to the divorce. UM. Typical thing. They stayed together

89
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,640
Speaker 1: for the kids. UM. And then both of my parents worked,

90
00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:45,600
Speaker 1: so that's typical to My mom had a corporate job,

91
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:49,640
Speaker 1: worked very very hard, was very successful. My dad also

92
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:54,320
Speaker 1: had a very very prestigious job and also UM taught

93
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,159
Speaker 1: too as like a side hustle, so he definitely loved

94
00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:03,120
Speaker 1: to work. UM. I'm a middle child, so UM, I

95
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:07,920
Speaker 1: think that I'm very independent, you know. UM, I'm independent

96
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,640
Speaker 1: in every way, Like I get myself out of situations.

97
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:13,520
Speaker 1: I enjoy working. I can provide for everybody else, you know.

98
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,720
Speaker 1: So I feel like it has a lot to do

99
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:18,400
Speaker 1: with the fact that I wasn't the oldest, so I

100
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:21,960
Speaker 1: didn't get showered with you know, the first child UM syndrome.

101
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,919
Speaker 1: And then I'm not the baby, so I wasn't overly

102
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,920
Speaker 1: taken care of because I was the youngest of the

103
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,640
Speaker 1: last child. UM. So that plays a lot into things. UM.

104
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:34,599
Speaker 1: I when I was younger, UM, so around like between

105
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:38,680
Speaker 1: the ages of like four and six or seven, UM,

106
00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:41,440
Speaker 1: I spent a lot of time with I had two

107
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,240
Speaker 1: sets of grandparents at the time, but one set of

108
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,159
Speaker 1: grandparents and I won't say all which side, um, and

109
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:51,720
Speaker 1: they would take care of uh, me and my sister,

110
00:05:51,839 --> 00:05:53,520
Speaker 1: but it felt like, and I don't know why, but

111
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,920
Speaker 1: a lot of times that it was just me, um

112
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,760
Speaker 1: there my younger sister wasn't born yet, um, while my

113
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,520
Speaker 1: parents were working and it was primarily over the summertime.

114
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:07,279
Speaker 1: So um that those grandparents that took care of me

115
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:10,080
Speaker 1: that I'm referring to now, um weren't the ones that

116
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,960
Speaker 1: I was closest to. So it was definitely a little bit.

117
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,080
Speaker 1: Even as a child, I remember being kind of awkward

118
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:19,640
Speaker 1: being there because we didn't keep relationship very like I

119
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,200
Speaker 1: didn't know how to act, I didn't know how to

120
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,560
Speaker 1: behave So it's really, you know, just me sitting there

121
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,440
Speaker 1: watching TV and I you know, as a child too,

122
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:31,560
Speaker 1: I just remember like the energy of that house is

123
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,560
Speaker 1: not being okay, Like I knew something was wrong, you

124
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,200
Speaker 1: know what I mean? So really I just wanted to

125
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,080
Speaker 1: be in the living room, not to cut you off.

126
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:41,680
Speaker 1: Isn't like what are You're a kid and you know

127
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,360
Speaker 1: something that right, but you just don't know what it

128
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,600
Speaker 1: is or you something right, but you just you can't

129
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,599
Speaker 1: put a word to it. You know, we look back

130
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:51,040
Speaker 1: on you like this, it was this, yeah, like as

131
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,039
Speaker 1: kids like I feel like we're so new to the

132
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,680
Speaker 1: world and we haven't really been as condition. There's adults

133
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,520
Speaker 1: that are our intuition and energy is as highest it

134
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:00,440
Speaker 1: could be as a child, and I don't think we

135
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,240
Speaker 1: realized that. You know, to me, but a child can

136
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,960
Speaker 1: very easily see lightness persons jar gage um. And so

137
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,760
Speaker 1: I did not enjoy being there all, but it was

138
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:12,240
Speaker 1: what it was. And because I, you know, was even

139
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,680
Speaker 1: at that age, a very independent child, I didn't know

140
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,520
Speaker 1: how to articulate or even if I could articulate to

141
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,360
Speaker 1: my parents that I didn't want to be there. I

142
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,520
Speaker 1: just thought, you do what your parents tell you to do. UM.

143
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:30,320
Speaker 1: So as far as like UM, like very specific events

144
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:34,320
Speaker 1: that happened, a lot of it's blacked out UM for me,

145
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:37,800
Speaker 1: and I feel like that's like, um like a defense mechanism,

146
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,840
Speaker 1: you like a coping mechanism, I guess. UM. So, I

147
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,720
Speaker 1: don't remember a lot of the details, but again, like

148
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:47,120
Speaker 1: I said, I remember being uncomfortable, and I remember times

149
00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:51,360
Speaker 1: where my grandfather would ask me to come to. He

150
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,840
Speaker 1: had like a it was a three bedroom house, and

151
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,960
Speaker 1: one of the rooms he had converted into an office,

152
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,640
Speaker 1: and so I often remember him asking me to come

153
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,760
Speaker 1: back there with him, and it felt like I shouldn't

154
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,160
Speaker 1: be back there, you know what I'm saying. And I

155
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:07,480
Speaker 1: didn't understand when my grandmother wasn't with us, and I

156
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,760
Speaker 1: didn't understand why she didn't tell me I couldn't go,

157
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,400
Speaker 1: because it's like I knew that she knew, and I

158
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,280
Speaker 1: knew that I shouldn't be back there, And I remember

159
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:17,560
Speaker 1: him doing things to try to make me feel comfortable

160
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,920
Speaker 1: because it was, you know, I know, it was obvious

161
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:24,200
Speaker 1: that I wasn't um. So he liked to draw, and

162
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:28,160
Speaker 1: so he would draw like he loved to draw a Popeye, um,

163
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,000
Speaker 1: and so he would like draw a Popeye and try

164
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,000
Speaker 1: to put his Popeye voice on and like try to

165
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,920
Speaker 1: like laxe. But it made me feel even worse, you

166
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:37,280
Speaker 1: know what I mean, because then he's putting on this

167
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,600
Speaker 1: character and I'm not comfortable with the real hand. So

168
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:44,719
Speaker 1: I don't know the character right right right if I

169
00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:46,720
Speaker 1: kind of weird anywhere you do, I don't really get

170
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:49,840
Speaker 1: that man. So M I remember just like spending a

171
00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,840
Speaker 1: lot of time like hiding. There was a like a

172
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,640
Speaker 1: leather recliner chair, brown leather reclinner chair in there, and

173
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,480
Speaker 1: I remember like spending a lot of time hiding behind

174
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,920
Speaker 1: that chair as he's like talking to me and trying

175
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,720
Speaker 1: to get me to come out and show me these pictures.

176
00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,480
Speaker 1: And I felt safe behind that chair. And so you know,

177
00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:09,880
Speaker 1: I was forced to go there a lot of years.

178
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:11,840
Speaker 1: Um And like I said, didn't really know how to

179
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,040
Speaker 1: explain that alsaid was a problem child in school, So

180
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,120
Speaker 1: I didn't really feel like I had like the credibility

181
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,679
Speaker 1: to complain about anything either, because I constantly But do

182
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:25,400
Speaker 1: you think he was a problem child before after things

183
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,000
Speaker 1: were being done happened until you're like when you was

184
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:31,880
Speaker 1: experience certain things. I think I was always an overactive

185
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,880
Speaker 1: child that needed more attention than I got, you know

186
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,000
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Because it wasn't that I wasn't smart.

187
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:39,240
Speaker 1: It was that I just acted out, I talked, I

188
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,240
Speaker 1: would do bad things so I could get attention, you know,

189
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:46,280
Speaker 1: And I always was in some ship And I feel

190
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:49,400
Speaker 1: like it literally was because you know, my parents worked very,

191
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,880
Speaker 1: very hard, they had three kids, and I was a

192
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,720
Speaker 1: less needy child, so I just kind of went with

193
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,240
Speaker 1: the flow or whatever. So we'll fast forward to some

194
00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,240
Speaker 1: years so we can really get into like, you know,

195
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,400
Speaker 1: what happened in and how it impacted me. So fast

196
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,840
Speaker 1: for some years, I'm in college, you know, I just

197
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:08,840
Speaker 1: decided to go to a college at home, and um,

198
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:12,520
Speaker 1: at that time, UM, you know, my grandparents are pretty aged.

199
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,840
Speaker 1: I don't know how old they are honestly, but they're

200
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,040
Speaker 1: you know, they're older. So they'd be helped like getting

201
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:20,120
Speaker 1: groceries and stuff. And both sets of grandparents are still alive.

202
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:24,200
Speaker 1: So one of my my mother ended up, um you know,

203
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,640
Speaker 1: stepping in and taking care of those grandparents and so

204
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,720
Speaker 1: I guess it's obvious now that those are the paternal ones, um,

205
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,800
Speaker 1: just because she has a their heart and um, so

206
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,120
Speaker 1: she was like taking them groceries, bringing in food or whatever,

207
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:37,400
Speaker 1: and it at one point it just got to be

208
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,640
Speaker 1: too overwhelming for her because those aren't her parents. She's

209
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,360
Speaker 1: got her own parents and she don't even have a

210
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:46,440
Speaker 1: good relationship with my dad. So it was like, yeah,

211
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,840
Speaker 1: I'm not facing this so exactly. So when she you know,

212
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,680
Speaker 1: took I guess the last meal little as set of

213
00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:56,120
Speaker 1: groceries over there and then you know, to let them

214
00:10:56,200 --> 00:11:00,360
Speaker 1: know to like this is it. Um, my grandmother got

215
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,760
Speaker 1: nuts and like went off and you know, started just

216
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:07,040
Speaker 1: like saying all this stuff to her and about how

217
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,160
Speaker 1: she's evil and blah blah blah. And one of the

218
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,600
Speaker 1: things that she said was that's why I let my

219
00:11:11,679 --> 00:11:20,959
Speaker 1: husband molest your daughter years god. So yeah, yeah, so

220
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,960
Speaker 1: I was there. You know, I'm hearing this from my

221
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,920
Speaker 1: mom or whatever. But you know, somebody mama want to

222
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:29,040
Speaker 1: hear that. Man no, and that she brought it up

223
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,760
Speaker 1: like that. It was just vindictive, you know what really

224
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,800
Speaker 1: bothers me. Like even you're just saying that, it's like

225
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,120
Speaker 1: it's kind of like making me teario because it's just

226
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,319
Speaker 1: like I don't understand how people don't protect hiss like

227
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,000
Speaker 1: I feel like how much when I was going up,

228
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,880
Speaker 1: Like my mother was an alcoholic, my father was addicted

229
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:50,280
Speaker 1: to drugs. My mother was very physical and emotionally and

230
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,040
Speaker 1: verbal abuse of towards me. So I just don't understand

231
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:59,040
Speaker 1: how people live things happen who cannot defend themselves, who

232
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,679
Speaker 1: don't know how to attend apulate the things that's happening

233
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,040
Speaker 1: to them, and you you just sit back and let

234
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:09,040
Speaker 1: that happen, Like how evil could you be? And I

235
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,760
Speaker 1: also feel like people think because maybe it happen to them,

236
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,360
Speaker 1: that it's okay that it's happened to somebody because they survived.

237
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:17,079
Speaker 1: But it's like, but I do not want to change that, right,

238
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:21,080
Speaker 1: But it's so disgusting to me, Like, oh, you know,

239
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,240
Speaker 1: and this is my overly large heart that gets me

240
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:28,280
Speaker 1: in trouble often. Um. But I also feel like people,

241
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,680
Speaker 1: like everybody has like some type of trauma issue that

242
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,079
Speaker 1: they've been through, and I feel like a lot of

243
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,920
Speaker 1: people don't heal and hurt people hurt people, you know

244
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,280
Speaker 1: what I mean. So like, at the same time, like

245
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,959
Speaker 1: her people find hurt people, they find her people to

246
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:46,199
Speaker 1: lash onto. Right. Yeah, So with that being said, she's

247
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,920
Speaker 1: a sick person. Some of the other stuff that she said, um,

248
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:52,600
Speaker 1: in addition to airing all my business, was that she is,

249
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,640
Speaker 1: um you know, she's been abused by him, you know,

250
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,480
Speaker 1: him being her husband. She's been shot at by him.

251
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,960
Speaker 1: So I don't know if it was a matter of

252
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,119
Speaker 1: her being afraid of him. Um, he was very controlling.

253
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,679
Speaker 1: She couldn't like she never learned how to drive, so

254
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,360
Speaker 1: the only time she could leave the house was if

255
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:11,880
Speaker 1: he took her somewhere, those types of things. So I

256
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,600
Speaker 1: don't know if that's what it was, but even if

257
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:18,040
Speaker 1: it is, like you should have had your eye on

258
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,920
Speaker 1: that child at all times and make sure that they

259
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,760
Speaker 1: did not become a victim to what you're you know,

260
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,560
Speaker 1: suffering from to me in my eyes. But anyway, so

261
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:28,560
Speaker 1: my mom leaves, um, and of course she actually you know,

262
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:32,520
Speaker 1: she didn't call me immediately because again, like we didn't

263
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,080
Speaker 1: have that type type close knit relationship, you know what

264
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:38,320
Speaker 1: I mean, where like we can talk about anything that's

265
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:42,120
Speaker 1: like been built over like recent years. Um. So again

266
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,600
Speaker 1: this is in college. So she spent some time, I

267
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:50,160
Speaker 1: guess like thinking about it and then caused me maybe

268
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,400
Speaker 1: like a week after this happens, and basically just fought

269
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,880
Speaker 1: out told me what she said it, asked me if

270
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:55,959
Speaker 1: it wasn't true, I mean, if it was true. M

271
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,880
Speaker 1: So I'm like, well, ship, you know what I mean.

272
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,960
Speaker 1: I I know it was like you know, I mean

273
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,840
Speaker 1: this a whole lot of emotions just came over me,

274
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:13,200
Speaker 1: like embarrassment and denial and anger and and honestly, like

275
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,680
Speaker 1: I had gone like fifteen or twenty years of my life.

276
00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:20,040
Speaker 1: I think that long. Yeah, about that long. I'm not

277
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,200
Speaker 1: dealing with it, you know what I'm saying and and

278
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,040
Speaker 1: suppressing it. So it's like, why I gotta deal with

279
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,160
Speaker 1: this now. I was just prepared to go through the

280
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:31,000
Speaker 1: rest of my life like none of this ever happened. Um.

281
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:32,800
Speaker 1: So you know, I told her, and this is the

282
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,680
Speaker 1: God on the truth that I do know something happened

283
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,920
Speaker 1: that scared me. Um. I knew that I was terrified

284
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,800
Speaker 1: of that man. I knew that what he was doing

285
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,479
Speaker 1: was wrong. But I still to this day cannot program

286
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:47,760
Speaker 1: the details, like I can't find the details of the

287
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:51,800
Speaker 1: events because it happened. Yeah. I really think that mental

288
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,960
Speaker 1: loss is a real part of trauma. Um. And so

289
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:59,040
Speaker 1: I like, but I know that, you know, I know

290
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,920
Speaker 1: what happened, you know, to me, and I just don't

291
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:05,880
Speaker 1: know and how I know. Yeah. So with that being said, um,

292
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,600
Speaker 1: you know, that's what I told her, And she told

293
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,880
Speaker 1: me that I need to tell my dad because those

294
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,240
Speaker 1: are his parents. And so at this time, my dad

295
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:16,200
Speaker 1: don't really have a relationship. He's you know, at this point,

296
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:19,720
Speaker 1: remarried and you know, moved on with his life and

297
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,040
Speaker 1: we very rarely talk unless it's like, hey, how are

298
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,520
Speaker 1: you doing once every three or four months. So I'm like,

299
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,080
Speaker 1: I don't need to tell him, and she's like, no,

300
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,360
Speaker 1: you need to tell him before I run up in

301
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,440
Speaker 1: the house with a shotgun. So you tell him so

302
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:34,480
Speaker 1: he can handle it. So yeah, so I called him.

303
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,680
Speaker 1: You know, it's awkward, and actually no, he called me

304
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,760
Speaker 1: because of the time that all this went on. It

305
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:43,320
Speaker 1: was around Thanksgiving. But wait, how old? So when when

306
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,120
Speaker 1: your grandmother told your mom how old? With grandma and

307
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,600
Speaker 1: granddaddy because you said it was aged or were they like, like,

308
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,480
Speaker 1: was he still able to say to defend himself for

309
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:56,560
Speaker 1: to say he did, like he was probably like seventy. Okay,

310
00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,360
Speaker 1: he's still good. Yeah, he still hands he to Bill

311
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:06,360
Speaker 1: catch them hands. So it's Thanksgiving and my dad sends

312
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:10,400
Speaker 1: me a text message inviting me to their house for

313
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:15,240
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving dinner, and before you know, I would try my

314
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,600
Speaker 1: best to go to my mom's side of the family's

315
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,600
Speaker 1: house and then stopped by his you know, just to

316
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:25,520
Speaker 1: be keep things cop aesthetic. But you know, after that happened,

317
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,240
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, I'm cool on them. I don't want

318
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,400
Speaker 1: to even now the cats out of the bag. I

319
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:33,240
Speaker 1: don't even need to put myself through any of this. Yeah,

320
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,120
Speaker 1: I'm good on them, like, don't want to see them

321
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,280
Speaker 1: if somebody say something. So, you know, I told him

322
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:39,880
Speaker 1: that I would let him know, and of course he

323
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:40,840
Speaker 1: was like, what do you mean you letting me know

324
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:44,160
Speaker 1: if you're coming? Um. So I just you know, built

325
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,920
Speaker 1: up the courage called him and I was like, hey dad,

326
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,400
Speaker 1: So I didn't say this is what happened. I said,

327
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,760
Speaker 1: hey Dad, So mom went over blah blah blah blah,

328
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:56,200
Speaker 1: this is what your mom told her. And he was like,

329
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,000
Speaker 1: y'all are all liars. He was like, so are you

330
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,280
Speaker 1: saying that this happened? And I was like, yes, it happened.

331
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,920
Speaker 1: I don't believe that you're a liar. I can't believe

332
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:08,000
Speaker 1: you would say that. That's sick. Why would I lie

333
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:11,280
Speaker 1: about that? Right right? You? It's like if you think

334
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,760
Speaker 1: that this makes me feel good, they have to talk

335
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:16,359
Speaker 1: about this. This is embarrassing, you know. I mean like this,

336
00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:19,040
Speaker 1: this isn't This isn't this is not like something to

337
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,639
Speaker 1: be proud of. This doesn't like this doesn't make you cool,

338
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,479
Speaker 1: Like I don't want this to have happened to me,

339
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,719
Speaker 1: Like why would I make this sh it up? So

340
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:29,000
Speaker 1: you know, I had like dealt with years of disappointment

341
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:32,480
Speaker 1: from him, you know, a typical black bad story in America.

342
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:35,919
Speaker 1: So like I wasn't devastated by that, but I definitely

343
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,080
Speaker 1: felt like I don't want to talk about it anymore

344
00:17:38,119 --> 00:17:40,240
Speaker 1: ever again with anybody, because I don't want to be

345
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,920
Speaker 1: called a liar. And you know, I just I don't

346
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,639
Speaker 1: want to be questioned or accused of making up a

347
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:48,480
Speaker 1: story because I've already like I'm on the right path

348
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,720
Speaker 1: to like have a good life and or not even that.

349
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:52,840
Speaker 1: You don't want to be reliving through something when somebody,

350
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:57,159
Speaker 1: when people are not even trying to hear right exactly right,

351
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:58,879
Speaker 1: And like I said, well, I didn't want to talk

352
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:01,359
Speaker 1: about anyway somebody else write it up. So it's like, no,

353
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:05,800
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do that. And I think that out

354
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,920
Speaker 1: of many things from my childhood that have I've had

355
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,239
Speaker 1: to like work through, I think that from this is

356
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,320
Speaker 1: the hardest thing that I struggled with in every area

357
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,480
Speaker 1: of my life is being open um and being able

358
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,920
Speaker 1: to talk about things and being and being able to

359
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,040
Speaker 1: be vulnerable around people, because for so long I was

360
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:26,919
Speaker 1: a child that was having to fight for my safety

361
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,280
Speaker 1: on my own and not have anybody to trust to

362
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:34,240
Speaker 1: talk about it with. So I think that that's shut down,

363
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,320
Speaker 1: and you know, and even and even at times sometimes

364
00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:39,719
Speaker 1: I wonder like and I'm just keeping it one hundred,

365
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:46,160
Speaker 1: you know, I wonder like I know that somebody, some parents,

366
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,360
Speaker 1: somebody looked at me. It was like, it's something wrong

367
00:18:48,359 --> 00:18:51,240
Speaker 1: with this child. She's not right, or she's fearful, she

368
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,679
Speaker 1: doesn't want to go over there. But I think sometimes

369
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,680
Speaker 1: we get so caught up in the day to day

370
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:59,040
Speaker 1: of dropping the kid off, getting to work, being on time,

371
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,400
Speaker 1: that we for to pay attention yes to the details.

372
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,159
Speaker 1: And so in a sense, I also feel a little

373
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:08,560
Speaker 1: bit you know, abandoned, I guess. Um So that's another

374
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,119
Speaker 1: thing that I do have as well, Like in dating,

375
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:15,880
Speaker 1: I can have like abandonment issues majorly um yeah, from

376
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:19,359
Speaker 1: childhood too. So I definitely am struggling with that, like

377
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,800
Speaker 1: letting my guard down, trusting people fully and trusting them

378
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,919
Speaker 1: to like look out for me, because you know what

379
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,920
Speaker 1: it is because I felt the same way. I felt

380
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,840
Speaker 1: like if my own parents couldn't be there to protect me,

381
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,600
Speaker 1: how can I move that You're going to be there.

382
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,480
Speaker 1: And I've said that before I've said that before. I

383
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,440
Speaker 1: have said, like, what makes me think that I would

384
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,720
Speaker 1: ever find a good man if I can't even get

385
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,280
Speaker 1: my dad to want to deal with me on a

386
00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:45,080
Speaker 1: day to day basis, Because there's definitely a time in

387
00:19:45,119 --> 00:19:46,800
Speaker 1: my life but I was like begging for my dad

388
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,720
Speaker 1: to be around and he's just not what he wants

389
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,960
Speaker 1: to do, you know what I mean. And so I

390
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,480
Speaker 1: used to say that then I wasn't then deserving of

391
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,359
Speaker 1: a husband or a good boyfriend because of that. But

392
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,560
Speaker 1: you know, growth I don't believe that anymore. But I

393
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,280
Speaker 1: definitely feel you on that. And you know, it's so

394
00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:03,960
Speaker 1: crazy because it's like when I was going through the

395
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,159
Speaker 1: things I was going to do it when I was

396
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,919
Speaker 1: growing up as a child, and like I was just

397
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,200
Speaker 1: going through so much, but like, like you said, we're

398
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:14,320
Speaker 1: talking to a show face, keeping moving, how's muscle? And

399
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:18,159
Speaker 1: eventually one of my childhood friends, her mom, was like,

400
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,159
Speaker 1: are you okay? Like what's going on? I literally just

401
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:26,080
Speaker 1: started like crying. Yeah, I'm like, damn, that's the first

402
00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:29,520
Speaker 1: time somebody ever asked me as a kid, was I okay?

403
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:33,359
Speaker 1: M hmm. And it's just like it's just disgusting because

404
00:20:33,359 --> 00:20:35,080
Speaker 1: I feel like people think that. I feel like people

405
00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:38,000
Speaker 1: think the kids don't have feelings like becau they're not

406
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,040
Speaker 1: gonna ever grow up, like I feel like a kid

407
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,440
Speaker 1: kid and they're gonna keep it moving and they're gonna

408
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,879
Speaker 1: be okay. But it's just like, like you never know

409
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,760
Speaker 1: how you like to it turned out if certain things

410
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:53,200
Speaker 1: that happened to you. Yeah, you know, I I agree

411
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:56,240
Speaker 1: with that. I feel like everything happened like I felt

412
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,800
Speaker 1: because I'm a spiritual person. So I feel like, you know,

413
00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:02,800
Speaker 1: guy's not gonna give you anything that you can't and

414
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,960
Speaker 1: you have to you have to remember that when you're

415
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,840
Speaker 1: going through the storm, Like you have got to remember that,

416
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:11,000
Speaker 1: and that's what it's going to get you through and

417
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,199
Speaker 1: get you through those learning lessons or whatever it is

418
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,399
Speaker 1: you're supposed to gain from that experience in order to

419
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:19,480
Speaker 1: get you to your destiny path. And so that that's key.

420
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:23,000
Speaker 1: But I feel like people because I have a dog, right,

421
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,040
Speaker 1: I have a new puppy, and so one of the

422
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:27,160
Speaker 1: things that I have to strive for with my dog

423
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,280
Speaker 1: is like my dog has a very specific personality. He's

424
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:33,439
Speaker 1: still a you know, a living being, so I have

425
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:37,880
Speaker 1: to respect him as an individual and know when he's

426
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,200
Speaker 1: a little bit sad or a little bit angry, or

427
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,159
Speaker 1: a little bit overly energetic, and not just be like

428
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,959
Speaker 1: bad dog. You're bad trying to figure out what's going

429
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,160
Speaker 1: on in his environment to make him feel like that

430
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,159
Speaker 1: because he is an individual. And I know I'm like

431
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:54,840
Speaker 1: an extreme dog mom, so that's why you are. But

432
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:58,240
Speaker 1: that's so, but I feel like, um, you know, that's

433
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,760
Speaker 1: what parents have to do, and I feel like it's hard.

434
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,359
Speaker 1: I don't I'm not a parent, so I don't want

435
00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:05,080
Speaker 1: to ever criticize or undermine what it takes to be one.

436
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:09,160
Speaker 1: But I do feel like when you have kids, you

437
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:13,119
Speaker 1: can't just like only focus on feeding, bathing them, and

438
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:16,000
Speaker 1: disciplining them from the standpoint of like, yeah, you really

439
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,240
Speaker 1: need to get to know your child and get to

440
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:20,480
Speaker 1: know who they are and really like build on their

441
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:24,040
Speaker 1: you know, build their weaknesses and to strengths, and take

442
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,920
Speaker 1: their strengths and capitalize on those and really push them

443
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,919
Speaker 1: to you know, to utilize those for whatever their purpose is.

444
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,200
Speaker 1: But I feel like we just get so busy, you

445
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:33,760
Speaker 1: know what I mean, which is why I don't have kids.

446
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:37,960
Speaker 1: Now I already know, so you touched on. So that

447
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,880
Speaker 1: was one of my my next questions was how has trauma,

448
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:44,119
Speaker 1: especially especially from your childhood, effective your adulthood. And you

449
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:48,240
Speaker 1: mentioned you not mean not being open mm hmm. So

450
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:51,800
Speaker 1: when you realize listen, if you meet somebody and or

451
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,159
Speaker 1: even only have to be in the sexual relations, it

452
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,840
Speaker 1: can be with a homegirl or something. Yeah, you noticed that, Like,

453
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:01,080
Speaker 1: how do you realize that trauma starting to come back in?

454
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,920
Speaker 1: Like I can't be open? Like how do you try

455
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,720
Speaker 1: to like, no, stop, You're not gonna do this to

456
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:09,240
Speaker 1: me again, you know I'm saying, like trying to block. Yeah.

457
00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:12,000
Speaker 1: So first and foremost I had to be aware that

458
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,159
Speaker 1: it was happening. And I didn't know that until I

459
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:20,880
Speaker 1: went to therapy, and um I literally like the therapist

460
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,560
Speaker 1: I had knew, but my issues were very easily, you know,

461
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:28,840
Speaker 1: very quickly, and which was amazing. Yeah, sometimes you got

462
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:33,240
Speaker 1: to go through a lot. It's like you have for

463
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:38,440
Speaker 1: a therapist, therapist that best at your needs. Yep, exactly. So,

464
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,520
Speaker 1: like she knew that I had issues opening up, and

465
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:43,800
Speaker 1: so she would start my sessions off being like, so,

466
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,520
Speaker 1: what do you want to talk about today? And I'm

467
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:54,480
Speaker 1: talking about no bs. That opener was the hardest thing

468
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,280
Speaker 1: that I was going through for a very long time.

469
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,480
Speaker 1: I would like break out in tears from having to

470
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,680
Speaker 1: come up with it was just so difficult for me.

471
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,320
Speaker 1: And you know, I knew I was there for an

472
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:08,600
Speaker 1: hour and I just sometimes we sit there until I

473
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,440
Speaker 1: like broke down, and then I would just and she

474
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:11,840
Speaker 1: would be like, Okay, so we'll talk about the fact

475
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,840
Speaker 1: that you're crying. Why are you crying? But so I

476
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,560
Speaker 1: had to realize that that was an issue, and I

477
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:21,439
Speaker 1: didn't finish my therapy so that I don't feel like

478
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:24,920
Speaker 1: I feel really learned about how to open up. But

479
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,560
Speaker 1: to your question, I actually noticed it this past weekend

480
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:32,959
Speaker 1: because I went out with um some home girls and

481
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:34,800
Speaker 1: one of them I've known for very you know, for

482
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:36,320
Speaker 1: a lot of years. She's like a sister to me,

483
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,880
Speaker 1: and the other is a new friend, and because there

484
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:44,040
Speaker 1: was this new friend there, I felt so guarded, you

485
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,360
Speaker 1: know what I mean. And the ways that I noticed

486
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:48,840
Speaker 1: it would be like, okay, so everybody was talking about

487
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:51,480
Speaker 1: their dating situations, and it was like the way that

488
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:56,720
Speaker 1: I would speak about my dating would I'm trying to

489
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:59,000
Speaker 1: think of the word. It was just like so righteous,

490
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:00,679
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like I didn't want to

491
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,640
Speaker 1: get down to the dirty and be like, girl, yeah

492
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:07,239
Speaker 1: because you felt and yeah, and she was like, you know,

493
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:10,320
Speaker 1: definitely being open about her stuff and talking about hers.

494
00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:12,480
Speaker 1: But I would only give the very like proper like

495
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:14,679
Speaker 1: high level overview of my dating one. So do you

496
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,880
Speaker 1: think that was your traumas creeping in or you think

497
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:18,639
Speaker 1: that you just didn't feel comfortable just talking to her

498
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:21,920
Speaker 1: about your business? I mean, I know her and see

499
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,480
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like, it's not that was my first

500
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,840
Speaker 1: time meeting her, and I do feel like, but did

501
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:28,480
Speaker 1: you do you know? I mean I know you know her,

502
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:29,560
Speaker 1: you know her for a couple of years, but do

503
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,480
Speaker 1: you do you know her enough to be comfortable? We're like,

504
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:35,200
Speaker 1: but girl, me and him did this? Did that? Um?

505
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,520
Speaker 1: It depends, Like I think that she's the coolest person

506
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:41,359
Speaker 1: and it's no like negative intent. It ain't no running

507
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,159
Speaker 1: with my business. She's not that type of person. And

508
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,800
Speaker 1: I do know that. So I think from a standpoint

509
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:49,200
Speaker 1: of just being women and you know, enjoying ladies night

510
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,960
Speaker 1: and being open because that's what we said we wanted

511
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:55,800
Speaker 1: to do, I think that I failed there. Um, But

512
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,199
Speaker 1: it wasn't even really just tell my business it's just

513
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,159
Speaker 1: like I couldn't even get to the point of and

514
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,840
Speaker 1: like I went on a date and I liked him,

515
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,879
Speaker 1: Like it was just so like I was so rigid

516
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:08,080
Speaker 1: with it, and then like on throughout the night. Um,

517
00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:10,040
Speaker 1: just like even we went to the club and like

518
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:12,639
Speaker 1: I just didn't want to get too loose in the

519
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,400
Speaker 1: club because I was like I don't know her like that,

520
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:16,320
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And it's just like and

521
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,080
Speaker 1: I'm so in my head, you know what I mean,

522
00:26:18,119 --> 00:26:20,600
Speaker 1: Like I'm overprocessing everything instead of just being in the

523
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,879
Speaker 1: moment and enjoying it. The song came on and dropping

524
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,760
Speaker 1: it if that's what the song made me do, I'm,

525
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,320
Speaker 1: you know, over there trying to look pristy because I'm

526
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,439
Speaker 1: with this person I don't know where. If I was

527
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,760
Speaker 1: with you know, my good friend, I would have been

528
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:37,440
Speaker 1: a whole different person. And I don't feel crazy how

529
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,840
Speaker 1: you know you're doing something but you still can't control it.

530
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,360
Speaker 1: I know. I'm like, yeah, then you're in your head

531
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:46,440
Speaker 1: even more, trying to like convince yourself and talk yourself

532
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:48,960
Speaker 1: out of it. But I do I feel like it's

533
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:53,320
Speaker 1: unfortunate because um, I do feel like it's women now

534
00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:56,280
Speaker 1: you can definitely have. You know, you're like scali wag's

535
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,119
Speaker 1: out there that you don't want to open up to

536
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,199
Speaker 1: and you need to watch out because they will with

537
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:03,000
Speaker 1: your business. But then there's also some really dope women

538
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,120
Speaker 1: out here that we could really like you know, grow

539
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:09,680
Speaker 1: from and and just have like solid relationships with that.

540
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:12,000
Speaker 1: I don't want to come across guarden and I don't

541
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:15,000
Speaker 1: because I noticed that like, I'm cool, I'm funny, I

542
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,240
Speaker 1: keep key. But then when it comes to like really

543
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:20,960
Speaker 1: building new relationships, that's where I struggle because I would

544
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,400
Speaker 1: never let that guard down to even be like, oh

545
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,920
Speaker 1: my god, work really stressed me out because I didn't

546
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,040
Speaker 1: do I'll say work stress me out, but it'll be

547
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:31,159
Speaker 1: like work is so stressful because I just have so

548
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,480
Speaker 1: much to do and my job is so But I'll

549
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,560
Speaker 1: never be like girl and I stayed out last night

550
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,679
Speaker 1: and I should have prepared for this meeting, you know,

551
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:41,080
Speaker 1: just having like real conversations. I have trouble getting there.

552
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:43,640
Speaker 1: So if you're like that with your friendships, and how

553
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,480
Speaker 1: has that affected your relationships, because I can just imagine

554
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:52,199
Speaker 1: like with guys, h girl, did you know what it is?

555
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,359
Speaker 1: I also feel like like I know in me. Like,

556
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,840
Speaker 1: so my mother was an alcoholic, right, and I know

557
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:00,600
Speaker 1: that like to this that I don't really like that.

558
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,320
Speaker 1: Like I have a good time, don't get me wrong,

559
00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:04,200
Speaker 1: but like I don't like to get drunk or twisting

560
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:07,920
Speaker 1: anything because a month so much of my mother. So

561
00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:11,560
Speaker 1: I noticed that when I did used to get you know,

562
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:15,600
Speaker 1: drunk whatever, and I attend to last shout and other days.

563
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:18,919
Speaker 1: But then it's like damn, like I'm seeing a reflection

564
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:21,280
Speaker 1: on who I didn't want to be, Like I got

565
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:24,280
Speaker 1: you yep. So it's just like with your situation like

566
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,400
Speaker 1: and for me that was traumatizing because like I used

567
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:30,040
Speaker 1: to cry, like because it's and people like what's wrong?

568
00:28:30,119 --> 00:28:31,960
Speaker 1: Like but you don't see what I see because you

569
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:35,760
Speaker 1: didn't experience but the person that I'm seeing, you know,

570
00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:41,480
Speaker 1: so right. Yeah, So like as it pertains to dating,

571
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:44,040
Speaker 1: I really don't like seriously date, you know what I mean.

572
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:50,320
Speaker 1: I'm thirty two and I've had two relationships in my life.

573
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:58,040
Speaker 1: Um so obviously I have issues opening up for sure.

574
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:02,640
Speaker 1: Um So, like you know, definitely in like my younger days,

575
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 1: like mid twenties, like having a sexual relationship with somebody easy, schneezy,

576
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,120
Speaker 1: you know, to be then you could come over. I

577
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:12,760
Speaker 1: was that girl savage with it. You could come over, Um,

578
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:15,760
Speaker 1: you know, don't carry on. We could talk and then

579
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:17,280
Speaker 1: we do what we do and then you gotta go,

580
00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:19,600
Speaker 1: you know to me, And I don't have no hard feelings.

581
00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:22,320
Speaker 1: I don't outside I want to talk to you again,

582
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:26,000
Speaker 1: and would not feel no type of way right um now,

583
00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:29,120
Speaker 1: Like being a little bit older, I definitely realized that,

584
00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,959
Speaker 1: like and going through the therapy process, like I do

585
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,440
Speaker 1: need more than that, but it's hard for me to

586
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 1: get to that surface level. And typically when it comes

587
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:42,800
Speaker 1: to me having to like really open up to the

588
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:45,160
Speaker 1: due and letting him be there for me through whatever,

589
00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 1: even if it's like coming out to an event or whatever.

590
00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:52,560
Speaker 1: I don't open up my personal life to men very often,

591
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:56,280
Speaker 1: and so they typically get tired of trying because everything

592
00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,840
Speaker 1: is blocked and they exit and I throw the deuces,

593
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:03,600
Speaker 1: Like people go through so much and they're not even

594
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:05,920
Speaker 1: saying nothing. They're not even having discussions like this with

595
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:09,240
Speaker 1: their friends, let alone their families because they're not that

596
00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:13,640
Speaker 1: they're not real, Like we have trouble really having those

597
00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:17,240
Speaker 1: like true girlfriends, Like we're so guarded, like we're always

598
00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:19,160
Speaker 1: like I don't know a bit she might tell my business.

599
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:22,719
Speaker 1: I don't think with her, she might we think like

600
00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:28,040
Speaker 1: that's so crazy. We really do think like that. And

601
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:29,920
Speaker 1: I feel like when you are able to fully be

602
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:33,120
Speaker 1: yourself and just relax and just like have a like

603
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:35,600
Speaker 1: me and you always have conversations with like everything under

604
00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:38,320
Speaker 1: the sun, and it really makes a difference when you're

605
00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:42,680
Speaker 1: able to like fully be or some just like let's go.

606
00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:46,040
Speaker 1: You know. Yeah, it sucks to have to wear a

607
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:48,320
Speaker 1: burden on your shoulders all the time of like trying

608
00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:50,800
Speaker 1: to put on a front. I'm over it, you know

609
00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:54,560
Speaker 1: what I mean. And to me, like from a period,

610
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:59,160
Speaker 1: like from a standpoint of relationships with women, like friendships,

611
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:03,239
Speaker 1: business relationships, that for me, if I don't you know,

612
00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:05,520
Speaker 1: if you're giving something off to me that makes me

613
00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:08,320
Speaker 1: feel like I need to be guarded, then I can't.

614
00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:10,560
Speaker 1: I just cannot be around you, you know what I mean.

615
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:13,120
Speaker 1: And I trust my intuition. I don't. I no longer

616
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:15,840
Speaker 1: question it. But there's no point in me trying to

617
00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:18,760
Speaker 1: build a relationship with someone that reading them, I did

618
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:21,560
Speaker 1: not feel like I could be myself around you. There's

619
00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:23,400
Speaker 1: just no point. I mean, there's plenty of people. We

620
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,280
Speaker 1: all hustling today, you know what I mean. There's plenty

621
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:27,720
Speaker 1: of people that I can collaborate, partner with, meet with,

622
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,920
Speaker 1: brunch with whatever, And I just like, I can't do

623
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:34,360
Speaker 1: that anymore because you know, one of the things that

624
00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:37,560
Speaker 1: I have worked so hard to do is to not

625
00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:41,960
Speaker 1: create burdens or you know, tribulations or whatever in my life.

626
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:43,760
Speaker 1: Like I don't need to do that. Life is hard enough,

627
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:47,920
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So why add anything extra

628
00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 1: to my life that is not positive? Like it's just

629
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:55,880
Speaker 1: nobody's worth it at this point. Okay, So you talked

630
00:31:55,880 --> 00:32:01,000
Speaker 1: about how one of the ways is therapy. What are

631
00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:06,720
Speaker 1: some other ways that you deal with trauma? Yeah, um, meditation?

632
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,960
Speaker 1: So I do, and it's hard, Like I still really

633
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,760
Speaker 1: don't know how to meditate myself. So I have to

634
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:15,720
Speaker 1: go to classes. But it's crazy because like I don't go,

635
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:17,760
Speaker 1: I'll just feel heavy, you know what I mean? Because

636
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:19,520
Speaker 1: I like, I've had a few days where I feel

637
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:20,960
Speaker 1: like and I know what that feels like, and it

638
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,040
Speaker 1: feels great. And like you said, I can just like

639
00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:25,360
Speaker 1: be president in the moment. I don't have a million

640
00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:28,280
Speaker 1: racing thoughts in my head. I'm not questioning myself before

641
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:31,200
Speaker 1: I speak all of those other things. Um, and then

642
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:34,360
Speaker 1: I'll have a dark day you know, where it's just pitiful,

643
00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:38,200
Speaker 1: and that's when I'm like, Okay, I need to be cleansed. Um.

644
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:42,040
Speaker 1: So um, yeah, I'll go to meditation or whatever and

645
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:44,480
Speaker 1: like you don't say anything, you just really sit there.

646
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:47,800
Speaker 1: But like I'll just have like tears. I'm talking about

647
00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:54,120
Speaker 1: just like what would and what would trigger it? Um,

648
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:55,680
Speaker 1: just the silence, you know what I mean, and the

649
00:32:55,760 --> 00:32:58,920
Speaker 1: connecting with yourself. So meditation is all about like silencing

650
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:03,120
Speaker 1: the external and vironment and really connecting with you. Um.

651
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:06,160
Speaker 1: And so like just doing that, I mean, it's just

652
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:08,560
Speaker 1: all this stuff just comes up and I literally just

653
00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 1: like if I'll just be crying crying, and afterwards, I

654
00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:17,000
Speaker 1: really will feel like lighter, Like I feel like it's

655
00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,680
Speaker 1: been lifted off of me. Sometimes it's not anything that's

656
00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:23,640
Speaker 1: there to address. It's just that that's part of that trauma,

657
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 1: that depression like creeping back up, and you just need

658
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:27,760
Speaker 1: to release it out of you, you know, cleanse it

659
00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:30,440
Speaker 1: out of you. And so just taking a breather to

660
00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:33,160
Speaker 1: do that, you just kind of realize like it's nothing.

661
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:35,000
Speaker 1: These are just thoughts you know what I mean, and

662
00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,880
Speaker 1: like let me cry those out and gone about my day.

663
00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:40,880
Speaker 1: So meditation has really been helpful, especially like for all

664
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:43,880
Speaker 1: of us to have anxiety, because it just requires you

665
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 1: to be still. Do you think it's do you think

666
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:48,600
Speaker 1: it's levels to trauma? Because I know you have like

667
00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:51,000
Speaker 1: anxiety and then you have like stress, and then you

668
00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:54,280
Speaker 1: have it was another good one, Like do you think

669
00:33:54,280 --> 00:34:00,560
Speaker 1: it's like different? Like here, oh God, so that that's

670
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:06,320
Speaker 1: a good one that is going through um ps PTSD

671
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:09,759
Speaker 1: through Like she's just the major things that she lost

672
00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:15,839
Speaker 1: her mom unexpectedly to drugs and um, like she just

673
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:20,280
Speaker 1: has not recovered from it at all. And so um

674
00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:24,000
Speaker 1: her biggest thing is the paranoia. UM. So of course

675
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:27,840
Speaker 1: she stresses, you know, or she suffers from the anxiety

676
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:31,200
Speaker 1: and the depression, UM, but the paranoia is what gets

677
00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:34,080
Speaker 1: her and so it talks her out of doing most things,

678
00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:39,080
Speaker 1: especially when she's entering new situations, and it's like fabilitating,

679
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:41,680
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. So like there's so many

680
00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:43,440
Speaker 1: things that she wants to do that she just cannot

681
00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,680
Speaker 1: start because that PTSD comes in and it just takes

682
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:49,640
Speaker 1: over her life completely. And so yeah, there's definitely lot

683
00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:52,240
Speaker 1: and people be thinking it's not real, and it's really

684
00:34:52,239 --> 00:34:58,040
Speaker 1: really people be going like people just become different, like

685
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:00,879
Speaker 1: they're not even themselves no more. You know, I didn't

686
00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:03,040
Speaker 1: think it was real for a long time, honestly, Like

687
00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:05,680
Speaker 1: because I'm gonna tell you, Like, you know, my mom

688
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:10,880
Speaker 1: suffered from depression. Um, my older sister probably did, definitely have,

689
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:14,160
Speaker 1: you know, my other sister has. And I used to

690
00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:16,040
Speaker 1: be that strong, keep going person, you know what I mean,

691
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:18,440
Speaker 1: because that's what made it out of my situation. So

692
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:20,279
Speaker 1: it's like, just keep going, you focus on the goal,

693
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:22,719
Speaker 1: you work, you achieve all your dreams, da da dad.

694
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:24,920
Speaker 1: So I have focused on that so much that I

695
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,359
Speaker 1: was like, what's wrong with y'all? Like all you gotta

696
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:29,560
Speaker 1: do is pray through it. All you have to do,

697
00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,359
Speaker 1: go to fight towards your goal, like don't let why

698
00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:35,200
Speaker 1: are you sleeping all day? Face? And keep going? Yeah,

699
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:38,400
Speaker 1: And like so I thought that they were just like

700
00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:41,279
Speaker 1: not being strong enough and not working hard enough. So

701
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:44,359
Speaker 1: I definitely was guilty. And my advice to them used

702
00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:46,800
Speaker 1: to be like, Okay, we can't cry back this anymore.

703
00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:49,120
Speaker 1: We gotta get up and dadada. And while that's good advice,

704
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,200
Speaker 1: sometimes you do need to give people time to cry

705
00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:59,919
Speaker 1: and deal with process exactly. So um, like I never

706
00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:03,520
Speaker 1: thought it was real either. And then when I actually

707
00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:07,120
Speaker 1: moved relocated to the city that I'm in now, and

708
00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:10,200
Speaker 1: it's like I had a trigger, you know what I mean,

709
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:14,160
Speaker 1: and like when it hit me, it hit me out

710
00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:17,279
Speaker 1: of nowhere, but it hit meself severely, Like because I

711
00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:19,480
Speaker 1: was working from home, so I didn't have much contact

712
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:22,759
Speaker 1: with people. I was in a very mentally abusive relationship

713
00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:27,040
Speaker 1: or situationship, and I didn't have any friends. It's a

714
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:28,960
Speaker 1: new city, you know what I mean, and like I'm

715
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,040
Speaker 1: stuck in this house. I don't really have any money

716
00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:34,319
Speaker 1: um to go out at the time. So like it

717
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:36,440
Speaker 1: was just like I started getting these racing thoughts right

718
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,680
Speaker 1: and there was just that. So I was like, okay,

719
00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:42,680
Speaker 1: I can I can manage these. So I would call

720
00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:44,319
Speaker 1: my friends that I knew, Like I had a couple

721
00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:46,239
Speaker 1: of friends that work from home. One was a truck driver,

722
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:48,080
Speaker 1: so I knew that he was always available to talk,

723
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:50,520
Speaker 1: so I would kind of try to distract my thoughts

724
00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:54,480
Speaker 1: by getting on that head. Yes, so that would work

725
00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:56,080
Speaker 1: for a little bit, But then it just got to

726
00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:58,120
Speaker 1: the point that it wasn't working anymore, and I was

727
00:36:58,239 --> 00:37:00,920
Speaker 1: so negative. It's so critical all the time with people,

728
00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 1: and my friends were getting sick and tired of talking

729
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:04,920
Speaker 1: to me. So I knew that I was putting that out.

730
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:06,600
Speaker 1: At least I knew you what I'm saying. So I

731
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:09,719
Speaker 1: stopped calling them. And then I'm in this house trying

732
00:37:09,719 --> 00:37:12,080
Speaker 1: to figure out what to do. And I tried working out,

733
00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:15,000
Speaker 1: but I couldn't commit to a trainer because I just

734
00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:16,640
Speaker 1: wasn't in a good place. So I had paid all

735
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:18,680
Speaker 1: this money for this trainer, got a new gym membership,

736
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:22,239
Speaker 1: and literally would go like missing for days and not

737
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:25,800
Speaker 1: for her not show up, um, because I just couldn't

738
00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:28,040
Speaker 1: come to grip. So you couldn't get myself together. So

739
00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:30,000
Speaker 1: then when I knew it was a problem was when

740
00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:34,520
Speaker 1: I started having like like heart palpitations and my heart

741
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:36,319
Speaker 1: with race and I would breathe heavy and I would

742
00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:38,200
Speaker 1: have to pace, and I'm constantly pacing that I I would

743
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:40,239
Speaker 1: be like, okay, let me lay down and take a

744
00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:42,440
Speaker 1: chill pill. And I would lay down, and I mean

745
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:47,239
Speaker 1: the thoughts would just go so harding like like they

746
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:53,240
Speaker 1: running track or something, and I just like coming down

747
00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:55,399
Speaker 1: and it would specifically. I don't know if it if

748
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,680
Speaker 1: it's like this for you, but it was specifically happened

749
00:37:57,760 --> 00:37:59,160
Speaker 1: to me in the morning because it was like I

750
00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:01,600
Speaker 1: would wake up with them morning seem used to happen

751
00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:05,360
Speaker 1: at night. Oh wow. So I will wake up in

752
00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:08,319
Speaker 1: the morning and I will look around and I'll be like, oh, Ship,

753
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:11,400
Speaker 1: this is not reality. That was not a fucking dream. Yesterday,

754
00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:12,839
Speaker 1: it was not a dream. I'm still in this city

755
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,240
Speaker 1: where I have no friends, in this dark gass apartment

756
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:18,200
Speaker 1: where I can't afford no furniture, and you know, like

757
00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:21,440
Speaker 1: it was like the most depressing thing every morning to

758
00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:28,480
Speaker 1: wake up and Ship had not changed, right, Oh man, Yeah,

759
00:38:28,680 --> 00:38:33,920
Speaker 1: I dreaming. But you know it's so funny because at

760
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:36,080
Speaker 1: night and care I could not sleep to save my

761
00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:40,799
Speaker 1: fucking life. Like I would go crazy, like and then

762
00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:42,480
Speaker 1: I would get the rambling, and then I would think

763
00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:44,319
Speaker 1: about all something to do within the day, then within

764
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:46,799
Speaker 1: the week, then within the month, that win the year.

765
00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:51,120
Speaker 1: Yeah wow, I would go like, I don't even understand

766
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:53,560
Speaker 1: how I how I still had my same dark process

767
00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:55,759
Speaker 1: because I will go I would drive myself crazy and

768
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:57,880
Speaker 1: don't let me be working on the project. And I

769
00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:01,440
Speaker 1: have a regular like nine of five. Oh honey, Like

770
00:39:01,719 --> 00:39:04,000
Speaker 1: it took me a minute to find what how to

771
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:06,400
Speaker 1: get balanced into my life and like how to have

772
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:10,600
Speaker 1: a peace of mind and like figuring out. But I

773
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:12,919
Speaker 1: have a pretty good handle on it out. But yeah,

774
00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:16,160
Speaker 1: So like meditation because I was like, uh, something gotta change.

775
00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:20,319
Speaker 1: So that's hiding up on a therapist. Um, definitely meditation.

776
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:24,120
Speaker 1: I'm really into, like like I said, my spirituality, I'm

777
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,600
Speaker 1: into like different things. So I definitely am a you know,

778
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:31,400
Speaker 1: god believer. Um, I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that,

779
00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:33,719
Speaker 1: you know, he said it thout his father all of that.

780
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:35,600
Speaker 1: But I also feel like, you know, God gave us

781
00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:40,200
Speaker 1: this beautiful universe for us to to utilize, um, not

782
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:43,440
Speaker 1: to destroy, but to use uh to make us stronger

783
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:45,920
Speaker 1: and healthy and all those other things. And so I

784
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:51,520
Speaker 1: you know, and big on astrology. I'm big on crystals.

785
00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:54,120
Speaker 1: That's cleansing, like natural cleansing, that type of thing. So

786
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:57,000
Speaker 1: that's helped me a lot too. And honestly, just like

787
00:39:57,160 --> 00:40:01,880
Speaker 1: trying to be around people has help a lot for show,

788
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:04,880
Speaker 1: especially being around positive people like I mean, everybody on

789
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:07,560
Speaker 1: their days, we're all human, but to really be around

790
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:10,200
Speaker 1: people that are really trying to make things happen for themselves,

791
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,160
Speaker 1: because when are around people like that, then you're like, damn,

792
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:13,799
Speaker 1: I want to do the same thing for myself. Like

793
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:18,360
Speaker 1: the vibes, Like I totally agree with that, because you

794
00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:20,480
Speaker 1: don't need to be around with negative Nancy. So and

795
00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,680
Speaker 1: you know too though, like I'm gonna be honest. So

796
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:25,799
Speaker 1: for me, being around positive people was really hard, and

797
00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:29,319
Speaker 1: I was miserable around them because I wanted to feel

798
00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:34,160
Speaker 1: like them and I could not, And so honestly, I

799
00:40:34,239 --> 00:40:37,560
Speaker 1: was probably the negative person because you could just you know,

800
00:40:37,640 --> 00:40:39,960
Speaker 1: you can just pick up on somebody energy. And I

801
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:41,839
Speaker 1: was going through so much. It was so depressed and

802
00:40:41,880 --> 00:40:45,520
Speaker 1: so down and miserable that hanging around these people that

803
00:40:45,560 --> 00:40:48,560
Speaker 1: were super positive it didn't really help me. I needed

804
00:40:48,560 --> 00:40:51,479
Speaker 1: to be, like, honestly, at the time, like I needed

805
00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:53,239
Speaker 1: to be around people that were kind of going through

806
00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:55,800
Speaker 1: the same ship that I was, So like my friends

807
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:57,800
Speaker 1: at the time or the people that I was spending

808
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:00,560
Speaker 1: time with the you know, we're suffering with depression. You know,

809
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:02,160
Speaker 1: Like it was kind of like a focus group or

810
00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:04,480
Speaker 1: whatever you go to when you go to like like

811
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:07,640
Speaker 1: what do you call like the group therapy sessions because

812
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:09,279
Speaker 1: I need it could be around people that I could

813
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:11,279
Speaker 1: like finally talk to an open up with about what

814
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:14,960
Speaker 1: I was feeling, and then as I healed more than

815
00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:18,800
Speaker 1: I could be around like the more positive crew. But honestly,

816
00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:21,040
Speaker 1: it wasn't always that healthy. My way of coping was

817
00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:22,920
Speaker 1: not always that healthy. I probably have been dealing with

818
00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:25,480
Speaker 1: depression for a very long time, but I had just

819
00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:29,040
Speaker 1: never dealt with it because I was always so career oriented.

820
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:30,879
Speaker 1: But I remember a time like when I was living

821
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:35,000
Speaker 1: in New York, and, um, I've moved around a lot,

822
00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:37,400
Speaker 1: by the way, So that's also like a part of

823
00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:40,440
Speaker 1: my like trauma. Um, it's not being able to settle

824
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:44,959
Speaker 1: very long. Um. So I was living in New York

825
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:58,399
Speaker 1: and I guys had gotten married. Wait, honey, well that's

826
00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:02,960
Speaker 1: my first. I didn't know that guy. We speeling see

827
00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:07,440
Speaker 1: every year we are girl, we need do with this episode.

828
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:13,560
Speaker 1: I'm not to call home and catch me up. Oh yeah,

829
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:18,920
Speaker 1: I don't real because you know it is what it is.

830
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:22,440
Speaker 1: So I had been dealing with a guy, right, Wow,

831
00:42:22,719 --> 00:42:28,520
Speaker 1: do I know? Yeah? Agree, you know. So I had

832
00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:30,800
Speaker 1: been dealing with this dude. We have been dating about

833
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:33,360
Speaker 1: three years on paper, he seemed like the guys that

834
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:35,480
Speaker 1: your parents want you to marry, you know, had a

835
00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:39,560
Speaker 1: medical profession. We actually got along great, but he hadn't

836
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:42,319
Speaker 1: been issues and I typically, because of my issues, were

837
00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:47,040
Speaker 1: drawn to dudes with commitment issues. So basically we have

838
00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:50,239
Speaker 1: been dating three years. He was doing stupid ass ship.

839
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:53,360
Speaker 1: I got tired of it finally, But instead of like

840
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:56,279
Speaker 1: taking time to myself to be like, all right, let

841
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:58,040
Speaker 1: me heal and figure out why I picked a fool

842
00:42:58,120 --> 00:43:00,400
Speaker 1: like that, I was like, I'm gonna go take a vacation.

843
00:43:00,480 --> 00:43:01,959
Speaker 1: So you know how we all get petty as women.

844
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:04,400
Speaker 1: We want to go take a vacation, post the Instagram

845
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:09,000
Speaker 1: pictures or whatever, but vacation. I thought it was a

846
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:11,400
Speaker 1: good idea to go on vacation and flirt with every

847
00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:15,040
Speaker 1: local there and then find one to try to take

848
00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:16,839
Speaker 1: home with me. So you're trying to get your groom

849
00:43:16,840 --> 00:43:21,400
Speaker 1: back to get my cellar back. Okay, So that's basically

850
00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:26,520
Speaker 1: what happened. And I realized, of course, at the point

851
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:29,520
Speaker 1: that he was about to move to New York, that

852
00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:36,600
Speaker 1: this was a really bad idea, like leading up to

853
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:38,920
Speaker 1: the to the like official wedding, you know, because I

854
00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:41,920
Speaker 1: was like, we had already done that for the paper purposes,

855
00:43:42,239 --> 00:43:44,759
Speaker 1: but like leading up to the official wedding, I mean

856
00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:52,960
Speaker 1: a wedding. Well yeah, in his country, I did, like

857
00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:55,440
Speaker 1: my friend flew down there everything, like I had a dress,

858
00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:58,719
Speaker 1: hair done, Neil was done, wedding shoes all that. Yo,

859
00:43:59,880 --> 00:44:02,960
Speaker 1: I have to call you out for this, man, I

860
00:44:02,960 --> 00:44:04,880
Speaker 1: gotta find a picture for you. See to that. Yes,

861
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:11,760
Speaker 1: convicious I getting married. I knew you was the same language.

862
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:15,000
Speaker 1: So you know, I've got problems opening up to people

863
00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:16,560
Speaker 1: because I was like the only dude I could bury

864
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:19,839
Speaker 1: able to ask me a lot of questions. So yeah, um,

865
00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:23,080
Speaker 1: so it's like leading up to like the wedding, you know, planning,

866
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:24,960
Speaker 1: I just started getting more and more depressed and like

867
00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:28,440
Speaker 1: feeling like my life was come to end. Girl. At

868
00:44:28,440 --> 00:44:31,560
Speaker 1: the time, my sister was graduated from college, right, so

869
00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:33,640
Speaker 1: I had flown down to her college to go to

870
00:44:33,680 --> 00:44:38,520
Speaker 1: her graduation. And um, the person who made the like

871
00:44:38,560 --> 00:44:42,399
Speaker 1: the little speech. The speech was all about dance. What

872
00:44:42,440 --> 00:44:46,200
Speaker 1: was it, uh, dance while you're you're still young or whatever,

873
00:44:46,360 --> 00:44:48,399
Speaker 1: you know, take over the dance floor, dance your heart

874
00:44:48,440 --> 00:44:52,200
Speaker 1: out while you're still young, and don't So I'm like,

875
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:55,799
Speaker 1: listen to this I'm like crying. I'm like bawling. My

876
00:44:55,840 --> 00:44:57,560
Speaker 1: mom's looking at me, like what is wrong with you?

877
00:44:59,200 --> 00:45:01,680
Speaker 1: Graduation becau. I felt like I was like getting up

878
00:45:01,719 --> 00:45:04,360
Speaker 1: my youth and like I was just being stupid, and

879
00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:06,560
Speaker 1: you know, because I believe that, like you don't married

880
00:45:06,560 --> 00:45:08,759
Speaker 1: to divorce, even though I'm not afraid to divorce. But

881
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:12,439
Speaker 1: you know, so I was like, okay, very traditional. Yes,

882
00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:14,440
Speaker 1: as much as I could be committed, I was committed.

883
00:45:14,800 --> 00:45:20,680
Speaker 1: So was your married marry girls Like six months um.

884
00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:23,080
Speaker 1: So I were leaving this graduation and calling the X

885
00:45:23,120 --> 00:45:25,920
Speaker 1: that had led me to do this dumb ship um,

886
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:27,960
Speaker 1: and he was like, see, I told you don't do it.

887
00:45:27,960 --> 00:45:29,400
Speaker 1: I told you to be patient. I told you a

888
00:45:29,400 --> 00:45:30,920
Speaker 1: wait for me, and you over here trying to make

889
00:45:30,920 --> 00:45:33,759
Speaker 1: me upset and look what you got yourself into. And

890
00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:39,480
Speaker 1: I was like, so I ended up, Like I ended up.

891
00:45:39,719 --> 00:45:41,960
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be honest with y'all. I looked for a

892
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:44,000
Speaker 1: reason to break up with him, and he gave me one.

893
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:46,319
Speaker 1: So we basically had taken a little trip, like a

894
00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:50,719
Speaker 1: little vacation um to an island and we were about

895
00:45:50,719 --> 00:45:53,560
Speaker 1: to go out and he was like taking forever. Get ready.

896
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:55,239
Speaker 1: So I'm like, get your asks ready, get your ass ready.

897
00:45:55,280 --> 00:45:57,960
Speaker 1: What are you doing? And he was like laying on

898
00:45:58,160 --> 00:46:00,560
Speaker 1: the on the bed on his back with the phone

899
00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:02,759
Speaker 1: in the air, like texting, cheeseing and some more ship.

900
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:04,880
Speaker 1: And we had dinner reservations. So I'm like, ye, but

901
00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:10,640
Speaker 1: is this a boyfriend? This is a husband. I'm like yo,

902
00:46:10,760 --> 00:46:12,759
Speaker 1: Like I went and like ran and jump on the bed.

903
00:46:12,800 --> 00:46:16,480
Speaker 1: I'm like, get up, we have dinner reservations. And he

904
00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:19,440
Speaker 1: like pulled, yanked the phone from me so hard that

905
00:46:19,480 --> 00:46:21,279
Speaker 1: he dropped the phone on the ground because he didn't

906
00:46:21,280 --> 00:46:23,840
Speaker 1: want me to see it. So I shuffle got the

907
00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:26,840
Speaker 1: phone before texting these girls some about I missed you baby,

908
00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:29,400
Speaker 1: I can't wait to see you all this other stuff,

909
00:46:29,440 --> 00:46:31,920
Speaker 1: and I'm like, okay, you missed her, hunh. So I

910
00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:34,680
Speaker 1: used that as my reason, like I end up like

911
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:37,080
Speaker 1: going back home, and I told him that's the reason

912
00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:38,760
Speaker 1: why we broke up, but we all knew it wasn't.

913
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:41,560
Speaker 1: But anyway, but that being said, like he didn't take

914
00:46:41,560 --> 00:46:44,840
Speaker 1: it very well, um, and it was a lot of

915
00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:47,120
Speaker 1: drama around it. But my mind was made up, and

916
00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:49,399
Speaker 1: my like, wh my mind is made up. It's made up, right,

917
00:46:49,480 --> 00:46:51,200
Speaker 1: So there's nothing to talk about I'm gonna send you

918
00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:53,520
Speaker 1: to papers like I don't care, don't call my sister,

919
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:57,879
Speaker 1: no mora lead people alone. So I felt guilty though,

920
00:46:57,920 --> 00:47:01,359
Speaker 1: deep down inside and like that's what put me, I

921
00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:03,959
Speaker 1: guess through a depression that I never really healed from

922
00:47:04,000 --> 00:47:06,240
Speaker 1: and it just continued and the triggered because I moved

923
00:47:06,239 --> 00:47:12,560
Speaker 1: to my current city maybe like eight months after that. Yeah,

924
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:15,440
Speaker 1: so this this is new, This is like kind of

925
00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:19,560
Speaker 1: recent recent like three yeah, like three years ago, half

926
00:47:19,640 --> 00:47:23,040
Speaker 1: years ago and so much. And now that explains me

927
00:47:23,080 --> 00:47:24,800
Speaker 1: because we've been friends for a very long time. So

928
00:47:24,920 --> 00:47:28,040
Speaker 1: I'm just doing the top mom in my head and

929
00:47:28,160 --> 00:47:32,759
Speaker 1: they're like you know, I'm like yeah together. Yeah, well

930
00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:35,680
Speaker 1: we wasn't talking because me and her kind of like

931
00:47:35,719 --> 00:47:40,239
Speaker 1: stopped talking, so I don't know whatever reason. And I

932
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:42,719
Speaker 1: knew that he was going through something. But so when

933
00:47:42,719 --> 00:47:45,279
Speaker 1: we so when we had reconnected, you told me what

934
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:47,760
Speaker 1: you was going through. But now I'm putting pieces together

935
00:47:48,080 --> 00:47:52,279
Speaker 1: and now I see it in a real story. Yeah,

936
00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:56,680
Speaker 1: that's so crazy. It's crazy girl and going through that depression,

937
00:47:56,800 --> 00:47:59,359
Speaker 1: Like but why do you feel like it? But why

938
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:03,920
Speaker 1: are you this? Wow? Yeah I did it, but you

939
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:08,560
Speaker 1: know what I'm telling you. I knew it was something

940
00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:11,680
Speaker 1: mm hmmm, something more with you that was going on,

941
00:48:12,440 --> 00:48:14,880
Speaker 1: but I don't think that I felt comfortable enough, And

942
00:48:14,920 --> 00:48:17,040
Speaker 1: maybe I should have pushed a little harder because you

943
00:48:17,239 --> 00:48:20,359
Speaker 1: was very like moody. Like it's one thing to be life,

944
00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:22,680
Speaker 1: it's one thing to be like. And I'm a very

945
00:48:22,719 --> 00:48:25,400
Speaker 1: observant person, especially with people who I care about, so

946
00:48:25,400 --> 00:48:27,400
Speaker 1: it's one thing to be like, you know, be like

947
00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:30,000
Speaker 1: snappy or whatever, because we all got get a snappy, right.

948
00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:33,759
Speaker 1: But I feel like at that particular time, you were like,

949
00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:37,960
Speaker 1: you were very moody and mean, like yeah and this,

950
00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:40,279
Speaker 1: But I didn't think nothing of it because I knew

951
00:48:40,320 --> 00:48:42,520
Speaker 1: that you had other things going on, and I knew

952
00:48:42,560 --> 00:48:44,640
Speaker 1: that you had just moving all this other stuff. So

953
00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:46,600
Speaker 1: I was like, you know what, I know she's probably

954
00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:48,359
Speaker 1: going through a lot right now, so I'm just gonna

955
00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:50,839
Speaker 1: try to do a good friend I can be and

956
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:54,320
Speaker 1: keep it moving. But that's so crazy, girl. I was crazy,

957
00:48:54,360 --> 00:48:57,400
Speaker 1: because like that moodiness and that meanness comes from that

958
00:48:57,440 --> 00:49:00,200
Speaker 1: guard being built up. So in order, yeah, you know,

959
00:49:00,239 --> 00:49:03,160
Speaker 1: I've gotta be like as hard as possible, but that's

960
00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:06,840
Speaker 1: impossible for anybody. So then you get these mood swings

961
00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:08,840
Speaker 1: because I'm trying to keep it together. But it's like no,

962
00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:11,760
Speaker 1: but girl, yeah, Like it's crazy because at the time,

963
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:15,400
Speaker 1: like I was trying to distract myself because productivity has

964
00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:17,120
Speaker 1: always been my way of trying to get through stuff.

965
00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:19,279
Speaker 1: Right now, I'm like, no, when you're going through something,

966
00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:23,279
Speaker 1: you actually need to slow down for a minute. And yes,

967
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:26,840
Speaker 1: but you know, my way getting through it used to

968
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:28,640
Speaker 1: be adding on things, adding on things. So at the

969
00:49:28,640 --> 00:49:33,279
Speaker 1: time where I'm running marathons like twenty six miles, you know,

970
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:36,759
Speaker 1: I'm riding bite long distance spikes, um, all of this

971
00:49:36,800 --> 00:49:40,440
Speaker 1: stuff like across states, girl, And so I'm doing all that.

972
00:49:40,520 --> 00:49:43,399
Speaker 1: I'm training because I take that stuff seriously. And then

973
00:49:43,440 --> 00:49:45,680
Speaker 1: at night I'm going home and I'm popping six to seven,

974
00:49:46,080 --> 00:49:51,640
Speaker 1: you know, and um, you know, it got to a point.

975
00:49:51,680 --> 00:49:53,719
Speaker 1: I remember this. I was about to run a race,

976
00:49:55,000 --> 00:49:57,600
Speaker 1: so and I was like, you know, about to go

977
00:49:57,640 --> 00:49:59,360
Speaker 1: to bed or whatever. At the time, my sister was

978
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:03,160
Speaker 1: living with me, and I was find out the next

979
00:50:03,239 --> 00:50:06,239
Speaker 1: day to go run this race. And I like it

980
00:50:06,400 --> 00:50:08,840
Speaker 1: was on the balcony, just like smoking like a blunt,

981
00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:10,719
Speaker 1: like back to back to back, and then I was

982
00:50:10,760 --> 00:50:13,280
Speaker 1: like popping a couple of pills and my sister was like, bitch,

983
00:50:13,640 --> 00:50:15,680
Speaker 1: you're about to run a race tomorrow. Why are you

984
00:50:15,719 --> 00:50:19,520
Speaker 1: smoking a blunt? And I was like, I just got

985
00:50:19,520 --> 00:50:21,920
Speaker 1: to relax, like it's cool because you know, I was functional.

986
00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:25,279
Speaker 1: I had a very demanding career. I'm like I said,

987
00:50:25,280 --> 00:50:27,719
Speaker 1: I'm training for stuff, I'm eating healthy. I had six

988
00:50:27,719 --> 00:50:31,040
Speaker 1: pass my life. But it's just like I was ignoring

989
00:50:31,120 --> 00:50:34,640
Speaker 1: myself so much. And so when she said that, I

990
00:50:34,719 --> 00:50:37,480
Speaker 1: felt like ship because it was like I'm the big sister,

991
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:39,359
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, and I've always been that,

992
00:50:39,560 --> 00:50:43,480
Speaker 1: like that overachiever. So my little sister looking at me

993
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:46,319
Speaker 1: in disappointment, I was like, oh man, So you know,

994
00:50:46,400 --> 00:50:48,040
Speaker 1: I stopped for a minute and I thought about it,

995
00:50:48,080 --> 00:50:49,479
Speaker 1: and I was like, what the funk am I doing?

996
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:51,360
Speaker 1: And at that point that I stopped and I was like,

997
00:50:51,440 --> 00:50:53,600
Speaker 1: let me put this blunt out, and I was She's right,

998
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:57,080
Speaker 1: go to bed. I was like, you know what, the

999
00:50:57,120 --> 00:50:59,239
Speaker 1: first thing that she said when she said that to me,

1000
00:50:59,280 --> 00:51:00,759
Speaker 1: the first thing that ain't to me, And there wasn't

1001
00:51:00,760 --> 00:51:02,880
Speaker 1: the embarrassment that came after, but the first thing that

1002
00:51:02,960 --> 00:51:05,480
Speaker 1: came was who cares? Like, I don't care if I'm

1003
00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:09,480
Speaker 1: here tomorrow or not. And I was like, wait a minute, girl,

1004
00:51:09,480 --> 00:51:12,759
Speaker 1: it's something wrong, Like it's something wrong. But at that age,

1005
00:51:12,800 --> 00:51:16,120
Speaker 1: I'm like twenty six or whatever, and I didn't really

1006
00:51:16,239 --> 00:51:19,200
Speaker 1: know about therapy. I didn't know that I needed help,

1007
00:51:19,800 --> 00:51:21,920
Speaker 1: um because you were just coping with the best way

1008
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:23,799
Speaker 1: you knew how, the best way that I knew how.

1009
00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:26,800
Speaker 1: And it was like, I don't know, I just felt

1010
00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:30,200
Speaker 1: like I had like let people down, and I felt

1011
00:51:30,239 --> 00:51:32,600
Speaker 1: like I had let myself down and I was like

1012
00:51:32,640 --> 00:51:34,840
Speaker 1: beating myself up and I don't know, it's just a

1013
00:51:34,880 --> 00:51:37,400
Speaker 1: bad time. But it's not the first time that it

1014
00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:41,880
Speaker 1: really came to surface, like like I know, like we

1015
00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:46,600
Speaker 1: was the first time you really realized like damn, wow,

1016
00:51:46,960 --> 00:51:49,280
Speaker 1: I didn't think. I didn't think. I didn't think it's

1017
00:51:49,320 --> 00:51:51,160
Speaker 1: like I had an issue at that point because I

1018
00:51:51,200 --> 00:51:53,640
Speaker 1: was still functional. So I knew that like if I

1019
00:51:53,680 --> 00:51:55,560
Speaker 1: wanted to stop taking pills, and I would just stop

1020
00:51:55,600 --> 00:51:57,239
Speaker 1: taking pills and I would be okay, you know what

1021
00:51:57,280 --> 00:52:00,879
Speaker 1: I mean. I knew I wasn't addicted, but it to me,

1022
00:52:01,120 --> 00:52:03,240
Speaker 1: like now looking back, like the fact that I wasn't

1023
00:52:03,239 --> 00:52:07,200
Speaker 1: addicted isn't isn't okay? You's what I'm saying the fact

1024
00:52:07,239 --> 00:52:09,960
Speaker 1: that I wanted so many on a daily basis is

1025
00:52:10,000 --> 00:52:12,040
Speaker 1: an issue. That's the issue. Even if I could stop

1026
00:52:12,080 --> 00:52:13,960
Speaker 1: when I wanted to, Why did I want to medicate

1027
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:16,239
Speaker 1: myself in that way? But No, I didn't realize it

1028
00:52:16,320 --> 00:52:19,520
Speaker 1: until like when I was in l A. I damn

1029
00:52:19,600 --> 00:52:21,920
Speaker 1: near had a breakdown, you know what I mean, like that,

1030
00:52:22,160 --> 00:52:23,960
Speaker 1: like racing and not being able to sleep, and I

1031
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:26,960
Speaker 1: was drinking bottles of wine um on my own every

1032
00:52:27,040 --> 00:52:29,400
Speaker 1: night to go to sleep, and it was just bad,

1033
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:31,600
Speaker 1: Like it was bad. So when I was getting to

1034
00:52:31,600 --> 00:52:33,879
Speaker 1: the point that I couldn't control my thoughts and I'm

1035
00:52:33,920 --> 00:52:36,120
Speaker 1: kind of ventilating and I can't sleep and I wake

1036
00:52:36,200 --> 00:52:38,400
Speaker 1: up every morning and I'm like fuck, that's when I

1037
00:52:38,440 --> 00:52:40,839
Speaker 1: was like, okay, I need some help. And to hear

1038
00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:44,280
Speaker 1: that therapist, who you know, was a fellow black woman,

1039
00:52:44,440 --> 00:52:47,759
Speaker 1: and so that made things that made the relationship different too,

1040
00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:49,399
Speaker 1: because she looks so put together, you know what I mean.

1041
00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:52,279
Speaker 1: She's engaged, and she's my age, and she seems like

1042
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:55,239
Speaker 1: mentally healthy and well and she's over here judging me,

1043
00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:57,680
Speaker 1: is how I looked at it, And um, I was

1044
00:52:57,719 --> 00:53:00,320
Speaker 1: so damn I just probably looked like a wreck to her.

1045
00:53:00,360 --> 00:53:04,840
Speaker 1: But to hear her diagnosed me with chronic depression of anxiety.

1046
00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:07,840
Speaker 1: That's when I was like, oh, ship, I have an issue.

1047
00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:09,560
Speaker 1: You know what I means. So I think that was

1048
00:53:09,600 --> 00:53:11,600
Speaker 1: what was eye opening to me. It's like how hard

1049
00:53:11,719 --> 00:53:15,000
Speaker 1: therapy was for sure, and what I had to admit,

1050
00:53:15,120 --> 00:53:16,719
Speaker 1: you know. She you know, the therapist was asked if

1051
00:53:16,719 --> 00:53:18,799
Speaker 1: you ever had a sexance the peace problem, and I'm like, no,

1052
00:53:18,880 --> 00:53:20,800
Speaker 1: I have it. And then as I'm like telling the

1053
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:24,839
Speaker 1: story to her, you know, I code on the night

1054
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:27,080
Speaker 1: and I was drinking a bottle of wine to go

1055
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:30,200
Speaker 1: to sleep, and she's like writing it down and her

1056
00:53:30,719 --> 00:53:32,759
Speaker 1: in her little book, and that's like, girl, you have

1057
00:53:32,800 --> 00:53:35,960
Speaker 1: a sexance the pease problem. So that's I think when

1058
00:53:36,400 --> 00:53:41,360
Speaker 1: things got real. Wow, that is so crazy. I'm telling

1059
00:53:41,400 --> 00:53:43,280
Speaker 1: I'm over here just thinking about a lot of stuff

1060
00:53:43,280 --> 00:53:46,120
Speaker 1: that we did together. And now I like, I don't

1061
00:53:46,200 --> 00:53:49,680
Speaker 1: see it, but I see it. Yeah, yeah, but I

1062
00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:51,279
Speaker 1: see little things like one time we had when that

1063
00:53:51,440 --> 00:53:54,600
Speaker 1: to eat and you was very like it wasn't yourself,

1064
00:53:55,600 --> 00:53:57,000
Speaker 1: but I think was not doing a girl? What was

1065
00:53:57,040 --> 00:54:01,560
Speaker 1: that doing? You was very it was aggressive, he was

1066
00:54:01,920 --> 00:54:03,759
Speaker 1: we were talking about something. I was like damn she

1067
00:54:03,840 --> 00:54:07,000
Speaker 1: kind of aggressive, but all right, I wrote with it

1068
00:54:08,600 --> 00:54:11,040
Speaker 1: because that's what I'm that type of friend like. And

1069
00:54:11,080 --> 00:54:12,400
Speaker 1: it wasn't ntil a point where I felt like I

1070
00:54:12,400 --> 00:54:14,880
Speaker 1: need to call you out on but I didn't notice

1071
00:54:14,880 --> 00:54:19,919
Speaker 1: a shift in your attitude every no, and then yeah,

1072
00:54:19,960 --> 00:54:23,600
Speaker 1: I definitely felt like I felt like that's why we

1073
00:54:23,719 --> 00:54:27,040
Speaker 1: stopped talking. And I realized that because I remember because

1074
00:54:27,120 --> 00:54:29,920
Speaker 1: I used to tell myself like, I feel like I

1075
00:54:29,960 --> 00:54:33,960
Speaker 1: picked ebany off or eben a off um. And it

1076
00:54:34,040 --> 00:54:35,600
Speaker 1: was when we were supposed to go to that party

1077
00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:36,799
Speaker 1: and I was like, I don't want to pay forty

1078
00:54:36,800 --> 00:54:38,040
Speaker 1: dollars and you were like, why did you have me

1079
00:54:38,040 --> 00:54:41,160
Speaker 1: come all the way out here to? And I was like, well,

1080
00:54:41,600 --> 00:54:43,200
Speaker 1: you were the one who wanted me to go whatever,

1081
00:54:43,719 --> 00:54:45,920
Speaker 1: and I end up going. I remember that, but I

1082
00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:48,440
Speaker 1: just remember being awkward. And then we didn't talk anymore.

1083
00:54:48,600 --> 00:54:50,640
Speaker 1: Like y'all, we didn't talk. No, No, you didn't go.

1084
00:54:50,960 --> 00:54:53,480
Speaker 1: You didn't go. I did go. No. But you know

1085
00:54:53,520 --> 00:54:56,239
Speaker 1: what's so crazy because that night, because she had me,

1086
00:54:56,600 --> 00:54:58,640
Speaker 1: I drove all the way out to like like it

1087
00:54:58,719 --> 00:55:01,200
Speaker 1: was like a forty five was never it was like

1088
00:55:01,360 --> 00:55:04,080
Speaker 1: a thirty minute, a thirty minute rock because it was traffic.

1089
00:55:04,320 --> 00:55:06,400
Speaker 1: But how I knew it was something going on with

1090
00:55:06,440 --> 00:55:10,319
Speaker 1: you because you she's very smart, Like would she give

1091
00:55:10,360 --> 00:55:12,640
Speaker 1: you a reason for something? It's a it's a legit

1092
00:55:12,719 --> 00:55:17,040
Speaker 1: reason like, it ain't no bullshit, no like playing games

1093
00:55:17,040 --> 00:55:20,200
Speaker 1: anything like, it's a straight reason. And you gave me

1094
00:55:20,239 --> 00:55:22,840
Speaker 1: a reason. And I knew something was wrong because you

1095
00:55:22,920 --> 00:55:24,719
Speaker 1: cleann justified a reason why you had me come all

1096
00:55:24,760 --> 00:55:28,120
Speaker 1: the way out there. Yeah, and you can justify a

1097
00:55:28,120 --> 00:55:30,640
Speaker 1: lot of stuff. So when I was justified, but then

1098
00:55:30,680 --> 00:55:32,880
Speaker 1: on my behap, I should have pushed a little bit harder.

1099
00:55:32,880 --> 00:55:35,719
Speaker 1: But I knew you something was really bothering you, Like

1100
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:38,759
Speaker 1: you was very like you was very um. You just

1101
00:55:38,880 --> 00:55:41,799
Speaker 1: wasn't yourself, Like how I know you to be? Yeah, yeah,

1102
00:55:42,719 --> 00:55:44,839
Speaker 1: and that's so crazy, And then you was going through

1103
00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:46,080
Speaker 1: all this stuff and why you didn't feel like you

1104
00:55:46,080 --> 00:55:47,560
Speaker 1: could have talked to me about God, I feel like

1105
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:50,400
Speaker 1: we was. I mean, we're a lot much more closer

1106
00:55:50,440 --> 00:55:52,120
Speaker 1: than we were back then, but we've been on Jeffer

1107
00:55:52,239 --> 00:55:54,120
Speaker 1: so long so and I feel like we was pretty

1108
00:55:54,160 --> 00:55:57,839
Speaker 1: close back then. Now I think we were definitely closer now,

1109
00:55:58,239 --> 00:56:00,839
Speaker 1: but yeah, we weren't close back then, But I feel

1110
00:56:00,960 --> 00:56:02,920
Speaker 1: like I didn't talk to nobody about nothing, you know

1111
00:56:02,960 --> 00:56:07,280
Speaker 1: what I mean. Like, that's just not how I was raised,

1112
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:10,319
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, And like for me, like

1113
00:56:10,960 --> 00:56:12,759
Speaker 1: and even today, like that's why you have to be

1114
00:56:12,840 --> 00:56:17,680
Speaker 1: very careful who you trust with your problems, because yeah,

1115
00:56:17,680 --> 00:56:20,760
Speaker 1: it's it's real, because you know, I was used to

1116
00:56:20,920 --> 00:56:23,680
Speaker 1: opening up about my problems and being and not hearing

1117
00:56:23,680 --> 00:56:26,400
Speaker 1: from my dad for months or years or you know,

1118
00:56:26,680 --> 00:56:28,680
Speaker 1: my mom would tell me that I'm annoying, she gets

1119
00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:30,480
Speaker 1: my ears get out of her house while you know,

1120
00:56:30,840 --> 00:56:33,080
Speaker 1: and like that's what I was used to and so

1121
00:56:33,160 --> 00:56:35,239
Speaker 1: I used to Like that's why I feel like my

1122
00:56:35,360 --> 00:56:37,720
Speaker 1: go to emotion, you know, everybody has to go to emotion.

1123
00:56:38,000 --> 00:56:41,000
Speaker 1: I very rarely cry, Like I wish I could cry

1124
00:56:41,000 --> 00:56:46,400
Speaker 1: more because I think it's so healthy girl shower, Like

1125
00:56:46,440 --> 00:56:48,880
Speaker 1: I always feel so much better after I do. But

1126
00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:52,239
Speaker 1: my go to emotion is anger because I have so

1127
00:56:52,360 --> 00:56:55,920
Speaker 1: much frustration and like rooted in me from you know,

1128
00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:58,160
Speaker 1: going through these things and I having anybody to turn

1129
00:56:58,200 --> 00:57:00,400
Speaker 1: to or talk to and wanting it to stop, but

1130
00:57:00,440 --> 00:57:02,560
Speaker 1: not knowing how to get it to stop. So that's

1131
00:57:02,600 --> 00:57:05,200
Speaker 1: I get frustrated very easily. So that's why I like

1132
00:57:05,280 --> 00:57:09,120
Speaker 1: when I'm going through something, I typically get mean versus

1133
00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:11,239
Speaker 1: like somebody else gets sad, you know what I mean,

1134
00:57:11,400 --> 00:57:14,520
Speaker 1: but or needy. I get mean. So it's like I,

1135
00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:16,760
Speaker 1: you know, tend to push people away when I'm going

1136
00:57:16,760 --> 00:57:18,640
Speaker 1: through things that happen time. I know that I'm doing

1137
00:57:18,680 --> 00:57:20,960
Speaker 1: it and I'll regret it years down the line. But

1138
00:57:21,120 --> 00:57:22,880
Speaker 1: it's like I'm going through ship. I gotta get through this.

1139
00:57:22,920 --> 00:57:24,440
Speaker 1: I don't want nobody around me. I don't want to

1140
00:57:24,440 --> 00:57:26,320
Speaker 1: have to put on face. I'm tired, and so when

1141
00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:28,520
Speaker 1: I when I get like that, I typically do ship

1142
00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:31,520
Speaker 1: to push the people away from me. And that's like

1143
00:57:31,680 --> 00:57:34,240
Speaker 1: something that I'm I'm still today. I have a major

1144
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:39,360
Speaker 1: issue with um that I don't nobody need nobody attitude

1145
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:41,960
Speaker 1: and that's bool. So that's really all it was. It

1146
00:57:42,040 --> 00:57:45,479
Speaker 1: wasn't anything specific to you. It's just like I wasn't

1147
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:50,320
Speaker 1: conditioned to talk to people about stuff. Wow, So we'll

1148
00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:53,000
Speaker 1: what are some things that you will tell your younger

1149
00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:55,720
Speaker 1: self if you could talk you and you can talk

1150
00:57:55,760 --> 00:57:59,000
Speaker 1: to your younger self all the things you've been through, Like, well,

1151
00:57:59,040 --> 00:58:03,600
Speaker 1: it's like like advice you would you say a younger self? Um,

1152
00:58:03,760 --> 00:58:08,200
Speaker 1: I think that I would tell my younger self for

1153
00:58:08,400 --> 00:58:11,880
Speaker 1: sure that like, don't try to carry everything, you know

1154
00:58:11,880 --> 00:58:16,240
Speaker 1: what I mean, trust You're like, oh, I feel like

1155
00:58:16,280 --> 00:58:18,040
Speaker 1: the only way you can learn if you can't trust

1156
00:58:18,040 --> 00:58:20,280
Speaker 1: somebody or not is to try to trust them and

1157
00:58:20,360 --> 00:58:23,320
Speaker 1: let them, you know, to steer you wrong or whatever,

1158
00:58:23,440 --> 00:58:25,960
Speaker 1: and you'll know at that point that, Okay, the same

1159
00:58:26,080 --> 00:58:28,800
Speaker 1: person I I mess with. But like I was in

1160
00:58:28,840 --> 00:58:32,960
Speaker 1: a sorority, I was on a cheerleading squad. I have sisters,

1161
00:58:33,240 --> 00:58:36,040
Speaker 1: you know, I had my maternal grandmother. I had women

1162
00:58:36,040 --> 00:58:39,960
Speaker 1: in my life, but I did not open up. I

1163
00:58:40,040 --> 00:58:42,720
Speaker 1: never relied on anybody. I never asked anyone for help.

1164
00:58:43,320 --> 00:58:47,120
Speaker 1: So I think that like, you know, if my younger self,

1165
00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:50,959
Speaker 1: I would have said, like these are your sisters, you said,

1166
00:58:50,960 --> 00:58:53,160
Speaker 1: people that are you know, especially like I have friends

1167
00:58:53,200 --> 00:58:54,880
Speaker 1: that were saying that they were there for me, and

1168
00:58:54,920 --> 00:58:57,479
Speaker 1: I wish I had, you know, definitely been a little

1169
00:58:57,480 --> 00:59:01,040
Speaker 1: bit more trusting of people. Um. So that's one thing

1170
00:59:01,720 --> 00:59:06,720
Speaker 1: I definitely would have told myself that, like, you do

1171
00:59:06,800 --> 00:59:09,040
Speaker 1: what you want to do for you, you know what

1172
00:59:09,120 --> 00:59:14,439
Speaker 1: I mean, like whatever it is, like, you know, don't

1173
00:59:14,480 --> 00:59:18,360
Speaker 1: live for nobody else there and so you know, experienced

1174
00:59:18,400 --> 00:59:20,800
Speaker 1: things I was so judgmental because I had, you know,

1175
00:59:20,840 --> 00:59:22,560
Speaker 1: like I said, I was teetering on the edge my

1176
00:59:22,600 --> 00:59:25,240
Speaker 1: whole life of like a breakdown. So I was like

1177
00:59:25,400 --> 00:59:27,640
Speaker 1: very you know, trying to keep it all together all

1178
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:31,040
Speaker 1: the time, and so I was like judgmental, don't you know.

1179
00:59:31,120 --> 00:59:34,080
Speaker 1: I didn't believe lose my virginity until I was twenty one,

1180
00:59:34,480 --> 00:59:35,920
Speaker 1: So it was like and I was just kind of

1181
00:59:35,960 --> 00:59:37,440
Speaker 1: way to marriage. But it was like I was so

1182
00:59:37,480 --> 00:59:39,240
Speaker 1: straight narrow, and I always was like, well, I don't

1183
00:59:39,240 --> 00:59:40,560
Speaker 1: do that. She gets drunk, I want to hang out

1184
00:59:40,560 --> 00:59:43,120
Speaker 1: with her. She she sucks a lot. I don't want

1185
00:59:43,480 --> 00:59:46,000
Speaker 1: And so I wish that I had like just been

1186
00:59:46,040 --> 00:59:49,680
Speaker 1: a little bit more human and like got me know myself,

1187
00:59:49,760 --> 00:59:52,080
Speaker 1: let myself explore, do a little bit more of what

1188
00:59:52,120 --> 00:59:55,000
Speaker 1: I wanted to do, so that you know, I'm not

1189
00:59:55,120 --> 00:59:57,479
Speaker 1: because now I'm doing all of that at thirty two,

1190
00:59:57,520 --> 00:59:59,800
Speaker 1: which is better late than never, you feel me. But

1191
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:03,160
Speaker 1: I do wish I had like used my twenties to

1192
01:00:03,440 --> 01:00:07,760
Speaker 1: be a little bit more kinder to myself. I guess, um,

1193
01:00:07,880 --> 01:00:11,160
Speaker 1: And then I would say, the man is too I

1194
01:00:11,240 --> 01:00:13,120
Speaker 1: kind of I guess it's kind of along the same lines,

1195
01:00:13,160 --> 01:00:16,480
Speaker 1: but for real, like explore explore, explore everything that you

1196
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:18,479
Speaker 1: want to or you think that you might want to do,

1197
01:00:18,480 --> 01:00:20,520
Speaker 1: do it, and and don't tell yourself that you're not

1198
01:00:20,560 --> 01:00:23,960
Speaker 1: interested in something until you try it. And I feel

1199
01:00:24,080 --> 01:00:30,200
Speaker 1: like I did not give myself that freedom. And we

1200
01:00:30,240 --> 01:00:32,280
Speaker 1: can't take any of this stuff with this when we leave,

1201
01:00:32,360 --> 01:00:35,240
Speaker 1: and so we just really need to live our best lives.

1202
01:00:35,360 --> 01:00:37,800
Speaker 1: And we all have you know, we're all smart women,

1203
01:00:38,120 --> 01:00:42,120
Speaker 1: were all spiritually grounded. You know, we're anointed. So whatever

1204
01:00:42,160 --> 01:00:44,000
Speaker 1: it is that we tried and explore, we don't we

1205
01:00:44,160 --> 01:00:45,800
Speaker 1: get through it, you know what I mean? Like I

1206
01:00:45,840 --> 01:00:49,080
Speaker 1: trust that for sure, So I do just like I

1207
01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:51,880
Speaker 1: would tell my younger self for younger girls, like you're

1208
01:00:51,880 --> 01:00:54,640
Speaker 1: interested in singing, go sing You're interested in traveling the world,

1209
01:00:54,640 --> 01:01:01,000
Speaker 1: go traveling the world, Like just do it while you can. Nah. Yeah,

1210
01:01:01,080 --> 01:01:03,760
Speaker 1: that's so true. I always say, especially to people who's

1211
01:01:03,760 --> 01:01:06,520
Speaker 1: been in like a similar situations like us, like just

1212
01:01:06,560 --> 01:01:09,480
Speaker 1: live your life, man, like, speak up for yourself, know

1213
01:01:09,520 --> 01:01:12,360
Speaker 1: what you want. You know, at the end of the day,

1214
01:01:12,560 --> 01:01:14,600
Speaker 1: nobody's gonna hold you down, Like how you're gonna hold

1215
01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:17,000
Speaker 1: yourself down? And you all you got when it comes

1216
01:01:17,040 --> 01:01:18,920
Speaker 1: down to it. So you gotta always look out for

1217
01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:23,520
Speaker 1: yourself because if you don't, who will you know? Um,

1218
01:01:23,560 --> 01:01:26,080
Speaker 1: I guess the last. I have some more questions because

1219
01:01:26,080 --> 01:01:28,120
Speaker 1: I think this is like really good, Like I learned

1220
01:01:28,160 --> 01:01:33,000
Speaker 1: so much y'all. So it's anybody that's going through a

1221
01:01:33,040 --> 01:01:36,120
Speaker 1: situation that you went through when you was younger, um,

1222
01:01:36,200 --> 01:01:38,400
Speaker 1: or just anything that you've been through, Like, what's one

1223
01:01:38,440 --> 01:01:41,120
Speaker 1: advice you would give to our our listeners as far

1224
01:01:41,160 --> 01:01:47,560
Speaker 1: as like just dealing with trauma life because I think

1225
01:01:48,320 --> 01:01:54,240
Speaker 1: in general, you know what I think, mm hmm, yeah,

1226
01:01:54,280 --> 01:01:57,200
Speaker 1: that's a broad question. You know what I want to say,

1227
01:01:57,680 --> 01:01:59,600
Speaker 1: just dealing with trauma period because I feel like it

1228
01:01:59,720 --> 01:02:02,560
Speaker 1: all to one and I feel like you touched on

1229
01:02:02,600 --> 01:02:07,560
Speaker 1: so many different topics but then trauma. So just what

1230
01:02:07,720 --> 01:02:10,080
Speaker 1: were like this advice to somebody who's just going through it, like,

1231
01:02:10,760 --> 01:02:12,880
Speaker 1: because I mean, I know you're my go to person

1232
01:02:12,880 --> 01:02:14,360
Speaker 1: when I go through a lot of things. I recently

1233
01:02:14,360 --> 01:02:18,720
Speaker 1: went through something and yo, I was going crazy, like

1234
01:02:18,760 --> 01:02:21,080
Speaker 1: I was about to really just check myself out the

1235
01:02:21,120 --> 01:02:25,200
Speaker 1: game and you know, our guests as she had for

1236
01:02:25,320 --> 01:02:28,840
Speaker 1: me all day like just making sure I was okay

1237
01:02:28,840 --> 01:02:32,760
Speaker 1: and stuff. Gave me such good advice and you really

1238
01:02:32,840 --> 01:02:35,080
Speaker 1: was there for me when I was like really going

1239
01:02:35,120 --> 01:02:39,520
Speaker 1: through it, because I was like about to go crazy, y'all.

1240
01:02:39,560 --> 01:02:43,880
Speaker 1: She was a little crazy. I was crazy, y'all. Like,

1241
01:02:45,280 --> 01:02:47,320
Speaker 1: but so, what's like one thing you would like tell

1242
01:02:47,440 --> 01:02:50,040
Speaker 1: somebody like that's going through it, that's like, that's not

1243
01:02:50,120 --> 01:02:54,200
Speaker 1: really that's not really able to process something traumatic that

1244
01:02:54,280 --> 01:02:56,680
Speaker 1: happened to them because they are showing face. They do

1245
01:02:56,760 --> 01:02:58,720
Speaker 1: got to go to work and do their ninety five.

1246
01:02:58,800 --> 01:03:02,280
Speaker 1: They are hustling and try to they're trying to fill

1247
01:03:02,280 --> 01:03:08,760
Speaker 1: a void or something. Okay, Um, I would tell them

1248
01:03:08,800 --> 01:03:14,400
Speaker 1: to to first be kind to themselves, so don't blame themselves.

1249
01:03:15,200 --> 01:03:21,360
Speaker 1: Um you know, yeah, yeah, Like don't blame yourself. Um,

1250
01:03:21,440 --> 01:03:23,320
Speaker 1: and and know that you can get through it. But

1251
01:03:23,440 --> 01:03:26,600
Speaker 1: it's okay. Like like I would tell people to slow

1252
01:03:26,680 --> 01:03:29,120
Speaker 1: down and deal with what it is and be brave

1253
01:03:29,160 --> 01:03:34,080
Speaker 1: about it. Though. That's brave address whatever it is because

1254
01:03:34,120 --> 01:03:38,160
Speaker 1: courage that's how we succeed, right, So only like take

1255
01:03:38,200 --> 01:03:40,680
Speaker 1: the time to deal with it, don't try to push

1256
01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:45,160
Speaker 1: through it. Um. That's like the main one because um,

1257
01:03:45,280 --> 01:03:47,440
Speaker 1: you really do have all the answers within you. But

1258
01:03:47,680 --> 01:03:49,840
Speaker 1: it's just like we let like fear and anxiety and

1259
01:03:49,880 --> 01:03:53,160
Speaker 1: wanting to be right and perfect like shun that, you

1260
01:03:53,160 --> 01:03:55,480
Speaker 1: know what I mean. So I guess like that's the

1261
01:03:55,520 --> 01:03:58,040
Speaker 1: main one. And then the second one is I think

1262
01:03:58,040 --> 01:04:02,920
Speaker 1: everybody needs a confidant um and like everybody and your confidante,

1263
01:04:03,200 --> 01:04:05,280
Speaker 1: and I even can be guilty of not have being

1264
01:04:05,320 --> 01:04:07,480
Speaker 1: patient enough sometimes listen to my friends. I know this

1265
01:04:07,640 --> 01:04:12,200
Speaker 1: about myself, but like, definitely find you a patient, non

1266
01:04:12,320 --> 01:04:21,640
Speaker 1: judgmental I um, so I think, like, definitely find somebody's

1267
01:04:21,640 --> 01:04:25,840
Speaker 1: gonna be patient with you and non judgmental. And everybody

1268
01:04:25,880 --> 01:04:28,720
Speaker 1: needs that, you know what I mean? Everybody needs that. Friends.

1269
01:04:28,720 --> 01:04:30,000
Speaker 1: You should be able to come to your friend and

1270
01:04:30,040 --> 01:04:33,640
Speaker 1: tell them the most embarrassing thing that you've done that

1271
01:04:33,680 --> 01:04:35,680
Speaker 1: you're ashamed of, and they should be able to talk

1272
01:04:35,760 --> 01:04:37,919
Speaker 1: you through it, supports you, hear you out lets you vent,

1273
01:04:38,320 --> 01:04:40,479
Speaker 1: and so you can move on, because that's what life

1274
01:04:40,520 --> 01:04:42,680
Speaker 1: is about. Like we all make mistakes, we all do

1275
01:04:42,760 --> 01:04:44,800
Speaker 1: things we're not proud of, and we should be able

1276
01:04:44,840 --> 01:04:46,840
Speaker 1: to live through it, learn from it, and move the

1277
01:04:46,880 --> 01:04:49,080
Speaker 1: funk on. So I think that that's like the biggest

1278
01:04:49,080 --> 01:04:51,160
Speaker 1: takeaway is like you know, I think all of us

1279
01:04:51,360 --> 01:04:53,200
Speaker 1: so often like go into this blame game and being

1280
01:04:53,200 --> 01:04:55,080
Speaker 1: mad at myself and we made these mistakes and why

1281
01:04:55,080 --> 01:04:56,880
Speaker 1: did I do this? And this was stupid and like

1282
01:04:57,200 --> 01:04:58,760
Speaker 1: dead all of that, you know what I mean, Because

1283
01:04:58,760 --> 01:05:00,960
Speaker 1: we're human and we're expected to make mistakes. It's what

1284
01:05:01,040 --> 01:05:04,240
Speaker 1: you do after the mistake is what counts. Um. So yeah,

1285
01:05:04,280 --> 01:05:07,919
Speaker 1: that's like my biggest thing because like working yourself too

1286
01:05:07,920 --> 01:05:11,120
Speaker 1: hard and blaming yourself and never swalling down and never

1287
01:05:11,480 --> 01:05:16,120
Speaker 1: doing self care, that is a clear road for anxiety.

1288
01:05:16,320 --> 01:05:18,760
Speaker 1: You are you have signed the dotted line to have

1289
01:05:18,880 --> 01:05:22,480
Speaker 1: chronic depression anxiety if you never take time to be human.

1290
01:05:22,960 --> 01:05:26,040
Speaker 1: So I just that's why I just want, like, especially

1291
01:05:26,040 --> 01:05:28,440
Speaker 1: with all of us, like having all these side hustles

1292
01:05:28,440 --> 01:05:30,600
Speaker 1: and passion projects, which I think is such a beautiful

1293
01:05:30,640 --> 01:05:34,080
Speaker 1: thing because I'm in the same boat. Um, especially since

1294
01:05:34,120 --> 01:05:36,960
Speaker 1: I'm have a shot right now. But I just feel

1295
01:05:37,040 --> 01:05:39,520
Speaker 1: like when I'm tired, I gotta be tired. I gotta

1296
01:05:39,600 --> 01:05:44,160
Speaker 1: let my mind rest and sleep. You know, when I'm

1297
01:05:44,200 --> 01:05:46,760
Speaker 1: I gotta go to something it's fun. I got it,

1298
01:05:46,840 --> 01:05:49,720
Speaker 1: you know, just take care of myself because I just

1299
01:05:49,800 --> 01:05:53,120
Speaker 1: don't want to go back to that dark place where

1300
01:05:53,440 --> 01:05:58,160
Speaker 1: my world is like faded, you know. So this is

1301
01:05:58,200 --> 01:06:03,520
Speaker 1: the last like I know, because I since I know

1302
01:06:03,560 --> 01:06:05,440
Speaker 1: you're in a personal level, Like I just seen so

1303
01:06:05,560 --> 01:06:07,840
Speaker 1: much growth within you, and I feel like like you

1304
01:06:08,040 --> 01:06:10,480
Speaker 1: recently you had a couple of speed bumps, but like

1305
01:06:10,840 --> 01:06:12,760
Speaker 1: one thing about you, like you just keep it moving

1306
01:06:13,120 --> 01:06:15,640
Speaker 1: and you know, I mean we talk every other day,

1307
01:06:16,040 --> 01:06:17,720
Speaker 1: and when we do talk, we talk for like long

1308
01:06:17,760 --> 01:06:21,440
Speaker 1: periods of time. But like, how are you recently dealing

1309
01:06:21,520 --> 01:06:24,040
Speaker 1: dealing with trauma? Because I feel like now you're not

1310
01:06:24,160 --> 01:06:27,840
Speaker 1: like when things have happened to you recently, you've been

1311
01:06:27,880 --> 01:06:30,320
Speaker 1: like you know what, alright, cool, it's going on. Let

1312
01:06:30,360 --> 01:06:32,000
Speaker 1: me see what I can do to get out this situation.

1313
01:06:32,960 --> 01:06:35,520
Speaker 1: Like you don't live it, like you don't sit in it,

1314
01:06:36,200 --> 01:06:37,960
Speaker 1: Like you may sit it for like a second, but

1315
01:06:38,120 --> 01:06:41,000
Speaker 1: you don't live it. Becomingly because I think you've been

1316
01:06:41,200 --> 01:06:47,360
Speaker 1: an amazing job, Like oh thanks friend, Um, you learn

1317
01:06:47,400 --> 01:06:49,600
Speaker 1: a lot of tools and therapy, so you know what

1318
01:06:49,720 --> 01:06:51,760
Speaker 1: I mean, Like a lot of it you learn in

1319
01:06:51,800 --> 01:06:55,600
Speaker 1: therapy is to like you learned to like objectively face

1320
01:06:55,680 --> 01:06:58,680
Speaker 1: your problems and like figure out what's at the root

1321
01:06:58,720 --> 01:07:02,000
Speaker 1: of it and address it. Or you even learn like

1322
01:07:02,080 --> 01:07:04,840
Speaker 1: what's really a problem or what's not really a problem?

1323
01:07:04,840 --> 01:07:08,120
Speaker 1: You know, And so I definitely feel like just being

1324
01:07:08,160 --> 01:07:12,240
Speaker 1: able to like identify like triggers and know that like

1325
01:07:12,720 --> 01:07:15,600
Speaker 1: it's not the end of the world ever, is like

1326
01:07:15,680 --> 01:07:18,160
Speaker 1: what kind of has helped me? But I think I'm

1327
01:07:18,200 --> 01:07:20,480
Speaker 1: like genetically or just like I don't I don't know.

1328
01:07:20,520 --> 01:07:23,919
Speaker 1: I'm a Leo, so I'm very like task orientated, like

1329
01:07:24,280 --> 01:07:26,919
Speaker 1: get through things, support people. That's just like who I am.

1330
01:07:27,080 --> 01:07:29,560
Speaker 1: I'm a problem solver. So I do have a little

1331
01:07:29,560 --> 01:07:32,280
Speaker 1: bit of advantage in that sense because it's natural for me.

1332
01:07:32,640 --> 01:07:38,000
Speaker 1: But at the same time, um, I guess because I

1333
01:07:38,560 --> 01:07:42,560
Speaker 1: have like always enjoyed my life to the best that

1334
01:07:42,640 --> 01:07:48,160
Speaker 1: I could. Like I've known that alway. Yeah, like even

1335
01:07:48,160 --> 01:07:49,920
Speaker 1: if I'm having a bad day, like I still you know,

1336
01:07:50,000 --> 01:07:51,680
Speaker 1: go shake my ass at a day party or whatever,

1337
01:07:51,800 --> 01:07:54,080
Speaker 1: like whatever it is. I've always like tried to just

1338
01:07:54,360 --> 01:07:57,520
Speaker 1: enjoy my life. So when I went through that period

1339
01:07:57,680 --> 01:07:59,640
Speaker 1: of not being able to do that at all, you

1340
01:07:59,640 --> 01:08:01,520
Speaker 1: know what I mean, I didn't even notice the sun

1341
01:08:01,560 --> 01:08:04,560
Speaker 1: was shining. I didn't know. I don't like remember the

1342
01:08:04,640 --> 01:08:07,160
Speaker 1: details of life for the first two years or year

1343
01:08:07,160 --> 01:08:09,520
Speaker 1: and a half I was in l A. By the way,

1344
01:08:09,560 --> 01:08:14,080
Speaker 1: I'm in l A. So um, I feel like I

1345
01:08:14,120 --> 01:08:18,160
Speaker 1: feel like that was such an uncomfortable and unfamiliar place

1346
01:08:18,240 --> 01:08:20,880
Speaker 1: for me that there is no way that I am

1347
01:08:20,920 --> 01:08:23,200
Speaker 1: ever going to go back there. Right, So it's like

1348
01:08:24,080 --> 01:08:27,080
Speaker 1: I don't care what it is that happened. I just

1349
01:08:27,120 --> 01:08:28,599
Speaker 1: don't want to get back to that place. I don't

1350
01:08:28,640 --> 01:08:31,400
Speaker 1: want to disrupt my peace of mind. So it's more

1351
01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:35,479
Speaker 1: so like having a moment, like you said, to feel

1352
01:08:35,560 --> 01:08:38,080
Speaker 1: what you're going through, be sad about it, cry about it,

1353
01:08:38,120 --> 01:08:42,080
Speaker 1: but then knowing that like I immediately like maybe like

1354
01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:44,640
Speaker 1: two days, three days of being sad, or I'll have

1355
01:08:44,800 --> 01:08:47,439
Speaker 1: like up and down periods for sure, but then I

1356
01:08:47,560 --> 01:08:49,719
Speaker 1: try to get to a point where I'm like looking

1357
01:08:49,720 --> 01:08:51,960
Speaker 1: at what happened in detail and thinking about why it

1358
01:08:52,040 --> 01:08:53,920
Speaker 1: happened and what I learned from and literally I will

1359
01:08:53,960 --> 01:08:58,120
Speaker 1: write this stuff out and you know, it always goes

1360
01:08:58,200 --> 01:09:01,080
Speaker 1: back to, you know, like learning lesson And that's the

1361
01:09:01,080 --> 01:09:02,840
Speaker 1: way I look at it instead of looking at it

1362
01:09:02,880 --> 01:09:04,640
Speaker 1: as a mistake or I did something wrong. Is this

1363
01:09:04,720 --> 01:09:07,800
Speaker 1: an opportunity to be better? Um? And then I just

1364
01:09:07,880 --> 01:09:11,040
Speaker 1: keep pushing, like I mean, okay, so like guys, but

1365
01:09:11,080 --> 01:09:14,800
Speaker 1: she's referring to probably I lost my job in December,

1366
01:09:14,960 --> 01:09:17,160
Speaker 1: among a bunch of other things that happened that, yeah,

1367
01:09:17,800 --> 01:09:20,800
Speaker 1: other things, But I think that you've been handling I mean,

1368
01:09:20,800 --> 01:09:23,360
Speaker 1: of course, I know you've been having your having your moments,

1369
01:09:23,400 --> 01:09:26,519
Speaker 1: but I think that you've been handling things with such grace.

1370
01:09:27,560 --> 01:09:30,040
Speaker 1: But I think that since you've been through so much

1371
01:09:30,120 --> 01:09:32,639
Speaker 1: and you now you have the twols, that you need

1372
01:09:33,280 --> 01:09:35,720
Speaker 1: to be able to handle things with grace because of course,

1373
01:09:35,920 --> 01:09:38,160
Speaker 1: nobody wants to lose their job or go through a

1374
01:09:38,160 --> 01:09:41,879
Speaker 1: little pickups in life, but like to go through it.

1375
01:09:41,920 --> 01:09:44,719
Speaker 1: Look look the way you look at to still carry

1376
01:09:44,720 --> 01:09:46,840
Speaker 1: on the way you've been carrying on. It's like it's

1377
01:09:46,840 --> 01:09:49,000
Speaker 1: amazing because a lot of people are not able to

1378
01:09:49,040 --> 01:09:52,280
Speaker 1: do that. You know. I just don't like being sad, honestly,

1379
01:09:52,320 --> 01:09:54,240
Speaker 1: that's what it is. That's what it goes down to.

1380
01:09:54,280 --> 01:09:56,880
Speaker 1: It's not a good feeling. I don't like it, and

1381
01:09:56,960 --> 01:10:01,120
Speaker 1: so I just tried to not remain sad. Like, Okay,

1382
01:10:01,320 --> 01:10:03,360
Speaker 1: I understand the sadness of health. Sadness is actually a

1383
01:10:03,439 --> 01:10:08,479
Speaker 1: healthy emotion to experience. However, I don't want to stick

1384
01:10:08,520 --> 01:10:11,639
Speaker 1: there because that's when it's no longer healthy, right, So

1385
01:10:11,840 --> 01:10:15,559
Speaker 1: I just like, um, yeah, I just do things that

1386
01:10:15,680 --> 01:10:17,960
Speaker 1: make me happy. And I really mean that, Like you know,

1387
01:10:18,080 --> 01:10:20,200
Speaker 1: going through a breakup, losing my job, I dealt with

1388
01:10:20,240 --> 01:10:22,439
Speaker 1: a lot of loneliness and so I got a dog

1389
01:10:23,000 --> 01:10:26,200
Speaker 1: because I needed a boot. And so now he's my

1390
01:10:26,240 --> 01:10:28,599
Speaker 1: boot and I have somebody cuddle with. I have somebody

1391
01:10:28,600 --> 01:10:31,000
Speaker 1: who appreciates my affection and I can take care of that.

1392
01:10:32,120 --> 01:10:35,599
Speaker 1: Make you happy, Yeah, it really is like finding whatever

1393
01:10:35,640 --> 01:10:38,439
Speaker 1: makes you happy and doing it. Not talking about it,

1394
01:10:38,479 --> 01:10:42,559
Speaker 1: but doing it, and that that takes work, but actually

1395
01:10:42,560 --> 01:10:45,439
Speaker 1: doing it. Take a class, go sit, you know, don't

1396
01:10:45,439 --> 01:10:47,760
Speaker 1: be afraid to be by yourself, go out, go to

1397
01:10:47,800 --> 01:10:50,640
Speaker 1: a bar or go to another meet new people. You know,

1398
01:10:50,720 --> 01:10:52,439
Speaker 1: just get out there and doing stuff. Because I definitely

1399
01:10:52,479 --> 01:10:54,200
Speaker 1: can say like being at home and being sad for

1400
01:10:54,240 --> 01:10:59,080
Speaker 1: too long is not good at all. I totally agree. Well,

1401
01:10:59,160 --> 01:11:03,960
Speaker 1: I think that this has been an amazing episode. UM

1402
01:11:03,960 --> 01:11:06,200
Speaker 1: to all of our listeners out there, if you have

1403
01:11:06,280 --> 01:11:10,160
Speaker 1: any questions for our for my guests, UM, please email

1404
01:11:10,240 --> 01:11:13,200
Speaker 1: me at hello at the Professional Homegirl dot com. I'm

1405
01:11:13,200 --> 01:11:16,000
Speaker 1: gonna make sure she gets these questions so we can

1406
01:11:16,000 --> 01:11:18,400
Speaker 1: get them back to you and answer. But I always

1407
01:11:18,400 --> 01:11:20,599
Speaker 1: gonna say thank you so much to my friend who

1408
01:11:21,160 --> 01:11:26,920
Speaker 1: is a part of my journey and I an amazing job,

1409
01:11:26,960 --> 01:11:29,160
Speaker 1: and I'm super proud of you, and I am just

1410
01:11:29,200 --> 01:11:32,559
Speaker 1: so thankful that you shared your story with us, because

1411
01:11:32,600 --> 01:11:35,120
Speaker 1: I know that this is going to really help some

1412
01:11:35,200 --> 01:11:38,479
Speaker 1: of our professional home girls out there. So thank you

1413
01:11:38,560 --> 01:11:42,280
Speaker 1: so much, and until next time, Dies later,