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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you

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Speaker 1: love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is

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Speaker 1: not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much

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Speaker 1: for joining me for session four forty three of the

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our

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Speaker 1: conversation after a word from our sponsors. So many of

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Speaker 1: you may be familiar with the Beautiful Emotions record What

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Speaker 1: Did the Lonely Do at Christmas? So the song was

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Speaker 1: released in nineteen seventy three, and is I think accurately

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Speaker 1: about a breakup and having a Christmas holiday after a breakup.

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Speaker 1: But I think it was ahead of its time because

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Speaker 1: I think that it named some very difficult emotions that

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Speaker 1: we have just now started to talk about, which is loneliness,

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Speaker 1: and sadness during the holidays, And so what I want

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Speaker 1: to talk about today is why some of those feelings

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Speaker 1: come up for us, because I think that there is

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Speaker 1: often a lot of expectation and a lot of pressure

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Speaker 1: for this to be the most joyful, the most wonderful

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Speaker 1: time of the year, and if you are not feeling

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Speaker 1: that way, I think it can and can bring up

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Speaker 1: a lot of feelings of shame and guilt and confusion

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Speaker 1: about why you can't get into the holiday spirit. And

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Speaker 1: I think it's important for us to have a place

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Speaker 1: where we talk about that. So there are a couple

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Speaker 1: of different reasons, especially this year, I think that may

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Speaker 1: be contributing to any loneliness or sadness that you may

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Speaker 1: be feeling. So one the holiday season already correlates with

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Speaker 1: the time of year where we see more seasonal effective disorder,

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Speaker 1: which is a type of depression where your mood is

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Speaker 1: impacted by the weather. Most often we see this in

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Speaker 1: the winter season, but we can also see symptoms of

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Speaker 1: seasonal effective disorder with the change in spring summer. In

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Speaker 1: this time of year, I think is particularly impactful to

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Speaker 1: our mood because we know that we are getting less

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Speaker 1: sunlight the days are shorter, the nights are longer, it's colder,

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Speaker 1: which means that we are maybe not as interested in

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Speaker 1: being outside, which means that we maybe aren't spending time

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Speaker 1: with loved ones socializing as much as we use to,

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Speaker 1: which all could impact our mood. So the holiday season

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Speaker 1: already is correlated with the time of the year where

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Speaker 1: we might be experiencing an impacted, more depressed mood. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: add to that the expectations, like I said, of this

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Speaker 1: being a joyful time of year, right, this idea that

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Speaker 1: this is when holiday magic is happening. This is where

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Speaker 1: we are maybe gifting other people, maybe spending time with

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Speaker 1: family and friends. And if you just are not feeling that,

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Speaker 1: I think it can be really difficult. And the expectations

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Speaker 1: of around holiday magic. There's been a lot of research

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Speaker 1: that has come out in the past couple of years

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Speaker 1: that talks about how much this holiday magic is actually

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Speaker 1: built on the backs of women. Right, so who is

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Speaker 1: responsible for the twinkling lights and making sure that kids

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Speaker 1: stockings are hung and that we have crafts for the

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Speaker 1: teachers and all of these things. A lot of times

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Speaker 1: that expectation falls on women, which already adds to a

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Speaker 1: very difficult load as we are trying to wrap up

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Speaker 1: a year we know sometimes that can come with increased

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Speaker 1: workload responsibilities, and so the expectations and the ideas about

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Speaker 1: what should be happening during this season, I think can

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Speaker 1: really really add to a lot of stress for people.

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Speaker 1: So that's something else that I think is important to

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Speaker 1: keep in mind that these ideas of the shoulds and

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Speaker 1: the pressure of this season can really make you feel

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Speaker 1: lonely and isolated if you are not feeling up to it.

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Speaker 1: And I think especially this year, right when we know

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Speaker 1: we are a couple of years post pandemic, the political

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Speaker 1: landscape has been treacherous, just lots of different things going

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Speaker 1: on in the world that would make it naturally that

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Speaker 1: you might not be feeling very in the holiday spirit

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Speaker 1: right now. And so if you are feeling that way again,

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Speaker 1: I just want you to know that you're not alone

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Speaker 1: in that there's nothing wrong with you. You have not

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Speaker 1: failed as a human. I think that you are likely

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Speaker 1: having a very normal and natural human response to what

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Speaker 1: can sometimes be a very difficult part of the year.

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Speaker 1: So you're not alone with that at all. Something else

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Speaker 1: that I think can impact people's feelings of togetherness and

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Speaker 1: holiday spirit. And why you might be feeling a little

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Speaker 1: more lonely right now is that everything is so expensive

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Speaker 1: right now, right and so logistically, even if you want

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Speaker 1: it to be with family right now, it might not

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Speaker 1: be possible, right like flights are very expensive, trains are expensive,

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Speaker 1: gas is expensive, and maybe you don't even have a

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Speaker 1: lot of time off work if that's even possible, And

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Speaker 1: so logistically it just may not even be possible for

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Speaker 1: you to get together with family and friends, which I

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Speaker 1: think can make it feel a little more lonely this

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Speaker 1: season if that is something that you want to do now.

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Speaker 1: On the other hand, you may not actually be interested

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Speaker 1: in getting together with family and friends because maybe those

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Speaker 1: are not actually peaceful experiences for you. So if we

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Speaker 1: think about the black classic soul food movie, we know

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Speaker 1: what can oftentimes happen when families are together, and we

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Speaker 1: are trying to preserve traditions in the interest of actually

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Speaker 1: being honest with one another, right, and so family gatherings

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Speaker 1: are not always a happy time. They are often really

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Speaker 1: really difficult for people for lots of different reasons, Sometimes

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Speaker 1: because secrets are being kept, sometimes because people are just

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Speaker 1: invested in stepping all over and across your boundaries, even

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Speaker 1: though you've asked them not to do certain things because

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Speaker 1: there may be a history of trauma in the family

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Speaker 1: that has not been addressed. There are lots of different

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Speaker 1: reasons why family gatherings, especially during the holiday season, are

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Speaker 1: just not a peaceful and fun time. And so maybe

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Speaker 1: it's not that you logistically can't. Maybe it's that you're

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Speaker 1: actually choosing that you don't want to spend time with

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Speaker 1: family this year, which is also okay. But even when

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Speaker 1: we make decisions that are in the interest of our

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Speaker 1: own mental health and protecting our peace and you really

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Speaker 1: kind of pouring into ourselves, that doesn't mean that they

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Speaker 1: don't also sometimes come with guilt and this idea of

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Speaker 1: I should have done this thing, or this is what

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Speaker 1: my family has always done, it can still be a

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Speaker 1: very isolating and lonely experience, even if you are making

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Speaker 1: a decision that you know is in the best interests

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Speaker 1: of yourself and your mental health. And so again I

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Speaker 1: want to give space for us to just kind of

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Speaker 1: talk about that, right, like this idea that even when

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Speaker 1: you make a decision that's good for you, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean that you might not be sad and that you

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Speaker 1: might not grieve the experience is because sometimes the experiences

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Speaker 1: are not wholly bad, right, And even if it is

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Speaker 1: a not so great experience, it is something that you're

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Speaker 1: still used to and us getting out of routines. There

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Speaker 1: is a grief. There is a loss related to doing

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Speaker 1: something different, even if the something different is a better

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Speaker 1: for you, still disrupting your pattern, and there is a

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Speaker 1: sense of grief and loss that can come with that,

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Speaker 1: which may be contributing to some feelings of loneliness that

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Speaker 1: your habit right now. And as we're talking about grief,

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Speaker 1: there of course is grief related to changes in the

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Speaker 1: family and if you decide to do something different, But

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Speaker 1: there's also grief related to the loss of loved ones. Right.

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Speaker 1: So the first holiday season after a significant family membver

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Speaker 1: has died, or if there has been a divorce or

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Speaker 1: some kind of other family change can be really really difficult. Again,

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Speaker 1: we are such creatures of habit and routine, and so

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Speaker 1: the idea that maybe this is your first holiday season

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Speaker 1: without your mom or your grandmother or somebody else who

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Speaker 1: is really important to you can be really really difficult.

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Speaker 1: And we know that grief does not have any kind

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Speaker 1: of timeline right. And so even if you think, oh,

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Speaker 1: I should be further along in my grief process or

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Speaker 1: I didn't expect that this would hit me as hard

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Speaker 1: as it did, I do want you to know that

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Speaker 1: the first holiday season after a significant loss is really

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Speaker 1: really difficult for most people. And so it's really important

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Speaker 1: that you give yourself grace and treat yourself with lots

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Speaker 1: of compassion and gentleness right now, because grief will just

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Speaker 1: sneak up in lots of ways that maybe you didn't

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Speaker 1: even expect, especially during the holiday season. And so what

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Speaker 1: is important is for you to also think about how

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Speaker 1: you are going to maybe honor your loved one. So

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Speaker 1: do you want to share stories with other loved ones

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Speaker 1: about who this person was? Are their traditions that you

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Speaker 1: want to take on that this person maybe typically what's

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Speaker 1: responsible for Do you want to visit a grave site?

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Speaker 1: What kind of ways do you plan to incorporate the

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Speaker 1: memory of this person and who this person was to

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Speaker 1: you during the holiday season, Because I think sometimes what

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Speaker 1: happens is that we don't have a plan for how

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Speaker 1: we're going to manage the grief and how we're going

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Speaker 1: to honor that person, and we really get knocked off

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Speaker 1: kilter once the holiday hits, and so I think it's

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Speaker 1: important to think about, Okay, how am I going to

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Speaker 1: deal with this? What kinds of things do I want

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Speaker 1: to do, so that you actually have a plan for

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Speaker 1: how you're going on to that person for the holiday.

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Speaker 1: More from our conversation after the break. Another factor that

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Speaker 1: can make the season really difficult for lots of people

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Speaker 1: is that it is a very especially the Christmas holidays,

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Speaker 1: Like it's a very Christian centered holiday, right, and so

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Speaker 1: if that is not something that's important to you or

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Speaker 1: is not your belief system, it can very much feel

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Speaker 1: like a party that like everybody's celebrating that you are

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Speaker 1: feeling very excluded from, right. It kind of feels like

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Speaker 1: you're on the outside looking in. And so I think

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Speaker 1: that that can again bring up some feelings of loneliness

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Speaker 1: and exclusion, because it feels like this is not quite

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Speaker 1: my thing, but I'm expected to buy into this and

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Speaker 1: kind of be a part of this season because so

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Speaker 1: many different people are experiencing it. I also think it's

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Speaker 1: important to think about the religious trauma that can happen

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Speaker 1: as a part of being a part of faith communities.

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Speaker 1: And so if that's something that you've experienced. Again, I

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Speaker 1: think the holiday season can be really difficult when so

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Speaker 1: many people are talking about kind of Christian centered messages,

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Speaker 1: and you know, the expectation is that you just fall

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Speaker 1: in line with that, when the truth is that that

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Speaker 1: may not be everybody's belief system. So in addition to

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Speaker 1: having a plan for how you might manage grief during

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Speaker 1: this holiday season, I also think it is important to

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Speaker 1: think about other things that you can do to cope

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Speaker 1: if you feel like this season is really difficult for you,

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Speaker 1: because again, I think sometimes what happens is that we

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Speaker 1: don't expect the season to maybe be as difficult, and

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Speaker 1: then we just it sneaks up on us and we

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Speaker 1: don't have a plan. And so if you are spending

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Speaker 1: the holiday season alone, or if you're feeling a little

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Speaker 1: more lonely or isolated, here are some things that I

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Speaker 1: want you to think about that could make this a

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Speaker 1: little bit more manageable for you. And I use that

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Speaker 1: word very intentionally, right, because the idea is not that

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Speaker 1: you want to force joy if you don't actually feel joyful.

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Speaker 1: By all means, if you are feeling it and doing

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Speaker 1: all the things go with it, we definitely want to

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Speaker 1: seek joy whenever we can, but if you're not actually there,

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Speaker 1: then the purpose is not for you to kind of

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Speaker 1: be fake and force joy. It is actually to be

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Speaker 1: okay with whatever it is you're feeling, and to put

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Speaker 1: some things in place to help you to manage and navigate.

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Speaker 1: So one thing I think is really important during this

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Speaker 1: time is some gentle structure. So I think that this

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Speaker 1: time of year can sometimes be a little unstructured if

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Speaker 1: we are out of work, when the kids are out

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Speaker 1: of school, and like the days kind of run into

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Speaker 1: one another and you're not quite sure what you're supposed

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Speaker 1: to be doing. Having even a little bit of structure

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Speaker 1: can be helpful to just manage and help your mood.

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Speaker 1: So that may be you know, kind of sticking with

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Speaker 1: eating regularly, taking care of yourself in terms of bathing

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Speaker 1: and daily hygiene, has it things maybe a brief walk

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Speaker 1: around your neighborhood or some other thing that feels important

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Speaker 1: to you in terms of movement. Those kinds of activities

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Speaker 1: can really help to just add some structure to your

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Speaker 1: day so that it doesn't feel like just ten days

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Speaker 1: of kind of unstructured chaos. Adding in a few things

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Speaker 1: that can help to maintain some structure can actually be

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Speaker 1: really helpful for your mental health. I know y'all hear

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Speaker 1: me talk about this all the time, but paying attention

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Speaker 1: to your social media use right now can be really critical,

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Speaker 1: especially if you are somebody who finds yourself doing a

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Speaker 1: lot of comparison and kind of feeling like, oh, look

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Speaker 1: how happy other people are right now, or they have

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Speaker 1: so much holiday spirit, And I don't you know that

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Speaker 1: we're only ever seeing people's highlight reels on social media,

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Speaker 1: but this can really intensify any feelings of sadness and

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Speaker 1: loneliness when we are looking at people in their beautiful

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Speaker 1: family pictures and all of those things. And again, there's

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Speaker 1: nothing wrong with those things, but if you are not

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Speaker 1: feeling that right now, that seeing images and imagery of

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Speaker 1: other people really appearing as though they are in the

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Speaker 1: spirit can really make your feelings more intense. And so

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Speaker 1: if that is the case for you, again, would just

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Speaker 1: encourage you to modify and be mindful of your social

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Speaker 1: media consumption so that you're not constantly like berating yourself

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Speaker 1: with other people's happy images when you are not actually

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Speaker 1: feeling very helpful. Instead, I'd encourage you to lean into

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Speaker 1: communities that maybe feel more gentle to you right now,

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Speaker 1: maybe there are other people I know that there are

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Speaker 1: other people who are also feeling similarly, and so, you know,

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Speaker 1: leading into those kinds of conversations and going into online

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Speaker 1: spaces where you are allowed to feel all of your

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Speaker 1: feelings and not forced to kind of put on this

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Speaker 1: air of happiness when you don't feel it is something

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Speaker 1: that could be really helpful for you, just knowing that

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Speaker 1: you're not actually alone with whatever it is that you're feeling.

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Speaker 1: Journaling and voice notes are always a great practice to

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Speaker 1: just kind of be in touch with what it is

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Speaker 1: you're feeling. Now. Maybe you are somebody who was just

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Speaker 1: not a holiday person, which is totally fine, But if

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Speaker 1: this feels different for you this year in particular, journaling

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Speaker 1: or doing some voice notes to talk about why you

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Speaker 1: think you're feeling that way and what's coming up for

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Speaker 1: you when you think about what's happening during this season

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Speaker 1: could be really helpful just to give yourself a place

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Speaker 1: to put your feelings down on paper or in voice notes.

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Speaker 1: And these are not things that ever have to go anywhere.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to share them with anybody, you don't

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Speaker 1: have to make them public, but I think it can

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Speaker 1: be a really good exercise in getting clear on what

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Speaker 1: you're feeling if you journal or do some voice notes.

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Speaker 1: More from our conversation after the break. Something else to

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Speaker 1: keep in mind is what might connection look like for

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Speaker 1: you right now? So, if you've decided that you are

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Speaker 1: not spending time with family in the traditional ways, are

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Speaker 1: there other things that you might want to do? Could

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Speaker 1: it be that you are exchanging text messages with somebody

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Speaker 1: who's really important, or do you do a brief zoom

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Speaker 1: call with somebody who can make you feel less isolated

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Speaker 1: right now? Are there other things that you would like

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Speaker 1: to do to connect in ways that are maybe different

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Speaker 1: than what you've traditionally done I've already mentioned. Are there

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Speaker 1: communities online are in person where you can connect with

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Speaker 1: other people who allow you to feel the range of

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Speaker 1: your feelings without having to be forced happy If you're

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Speaker 1: not volunteering We've talked about a lot on the podcast

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Speaker 1: can be an excellent way, and I know a lot

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Speaker 1: of organizations do things on Christmas like food giveaways or

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Speaker 1: feeding or cooking. Are there ways that you want to

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Speaker 1: get involved in your community that still allow you to

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Speaker 1: have some human connection? That maybe feels healthier for you

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Speaker 1: and feels more purposeful for you, more compassionate for you

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Speaker 1: than maybe systems that are not very very welcoming and

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Speaker 1: healthy for you. Looking at ways for you to redefine

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Speaker 1: connection and to have connection on your own terms for

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Speaker 1: the holiday season can be really really great. And if

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Speaker 1: you decide, you know what, this loneliness doesn't feel great,

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Speaker 1: but I'm also okay with it, then that's also okay. Right,

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Speaker 1: So I'm offering suggestions for people who are wanting to

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Speaker 1: connect and maybe ways that are different. But if you

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Speaker 1: actually are not interested in connecting and would really just

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Speaker 1: like to spend this time unplugged, doing your own thing,

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Speaker 1: catching up on movies, you know, doing whatever, doing some crafts,

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Speaker 1: however you choose to spend this time, that is also okay.

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Speaker 1: What I'm really wanting to do is just give you

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Speaker 1: permission to lean into however it is that you're feeling,

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Speaker 1: without this expectation that you should be feeling any kind

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Speaker 1: of way that you might not be this year. So

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Speaker 1: as we wrap up, I just want to offer a

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Speaker 1: couple of affirmations, a couple of things that you may

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Speaker 1: want to take to your journal to help you to

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Speaker 1: can you to navigate this season. So one, loneliness does

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Speaker 1: not mean failure or being unlovable. It does not at

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Speaker 1: all decide those things. Being alone is not the same

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Speaker 1: as being abandoned. So you may be alone for the holidays,

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Speaker 1: but you are not abandoned. There are people who love

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Speaker 1: you and care about you. The season is temporary, even

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Speaker 1: if it feels like it's endless and really really difficult

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Speaker 1: right now. You are allowed to opt out of traditions

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Speaker 1: that don't serve you, even if you've been doing them

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Speaker 1: for a very long time. And finally, as I've mentioned before,

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Speaker 1: the goal for this season can actually just be survival

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Speaker 1: in getting through it. It does not have to be

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Speaker 1: happiness and joy. So if you are somebody who's experiencing

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Speaker 1: loneliness right now or feeling like I'm just not in

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Speaker 1: the holiday spirit, I'd love for you to share with

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Speaker 1: us in the comments section or on threads how you're

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Speaker 1: actually planning to navigate this season and maybe what kinds

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Speaker 1: of things have been helpful for you as you prepare

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Speaker 1: to navigate the holiday season. I do hope that some

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Speaker 1: of what I've offered has been helpful for you. Again,

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Speaker 1: the goal of the podcast is always to give you

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Speaker 1: a space to kind of feel all of your feelings

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Speaker 1: and to talk about some things that maybe we are

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Speaker 1: not talking about in other places, and for you to

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Speaker 1: know that you are okay and that you are not

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Speaker 1: alone in any single thing that you are ever feeling.

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Speaker 1: If you feel like this episode has been helpful for you,

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Speaker 1: I would love for you to share with another sister

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Speaker 1: who you think might benefit. And if you need additional support,

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Speaker 1: please make sure that you check out our therapist directory

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Speaker 1: where you can connect with a therapist in your area

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Speaker 1: who can offer you some additional support. And remember, however

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Speaker 1: this season looks for you, you deserve love and care,

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Speaker 1: especially from yourself. Don't forget to follow us over on

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Speaker 1: Instagram at Therapy for Black Girls. And if you want

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Speaker 1: to have more conversations like this and join a very

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Speaker 1: active community of other sisters, come on over and join

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Speaker 1: us in our patreon at community dot Therapy for Blackgirls

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Speaker 1: dot com. This episode was produced by A. Lisa Ellis

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Speaker 1: Indijubu and Tyrie Rush. Editing was done by Dennison Bradford.

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Speaker 1: Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week.

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Speaker 1: I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all

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Speaker 1: real soon. Take good care