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Speaker 1: Scrubbing in with Becca Tilly and Tanya ret An iHeartRadio podcast.

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Speaker 2: Hello, everybody, we are scrubbing is scrub a dub dub.

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Speaker 3: We have a very special guest today we do.

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Speaker 4: This is someone that we really admire.

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Speaker 2: And she lives in Los Angeles with her husband Kevin

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Speaker 2: and her two daughters, Violet and Sophia.

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Speaker 4: You may know her from her massive hit song that

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Speaker 4: we sang to you a couple of days ago, Fight Song,

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Speaker 4: and she is here today to share her.

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Speaker 2: Story and in celebration of mother's days. She recently just

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Speaker 2: released her latest inspirational track, Girls.

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Speaker 4: And we couldn't be happier to welcome Rachel Platt.

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Speaker 2: I just have to say so we officially met at

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Speaker 2: the angel City soccer game and you walked in and

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Speaker 2: I was sitting there with my friend Keana and then

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Speaker 2: Tanya and Robbie, and I was like, I just saw

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Speaker 2: the back of your head. And then I said, you

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Speaker 2: sit down next to Lily and you were I just

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Speaker 2: saw like the side of your face and I was like,

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Speaker 2: that's the most beautiful person, Like you are so stunning,

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Speaker 2: like you had this like beauty that we were like,

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Speaker 2: who is that?

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Speaker 3: And then I was I looked, I saw your face.

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Speaker 3: I was like, that's Rachel, and I was like, I

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Speaker 3: feel like I know her, but I haven't met you officially.

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Speaker 1: So thank you so much. That means so much to me.

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Speaker 1: I am forty two. I just turned forty two last week,

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Speaker 1: and yeah, yeah, I just like I know who they

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Speaker 1: was around this time. So I and I look in

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Speaker 1: the mirror lately, you know, I as a mom of

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Speaker 1: two young girls, and of course I see lines and

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Speaker 1: age things, and but I'm also really proud of all

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Speaker 1: the lines that tell the stories of what I've been

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Speaker 1: through and I and I'm really proud to be like

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Speaker 1: showing my girls an example of aging gracefully. And I'm

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Speaker 1: trying not to put anything in my face and not

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Speaker 1: I used to do it for years. No judgment, but

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Speaker 1: I'm just thank you to hear that I that I'm

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Speaker 1: beautiful means a lot. It's just more than it did

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Speaker 1: when I was in my thirties and I felt really

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Speaker 1: cocky about you. Well it's like, I'm like, I'm a mom,

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Speaker 1: thank you.

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Speaker 2: There's an outer beauty, like you have beautiful features, but

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Speaker 2: there's a glow about you.

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Speaker 3: Well, talk about the glow.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it comes out from inside you.

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Speaker 5: Thank you, guys. I believe the same thing about you. Guys.

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Speaker 4: No, I do.

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Speaker 2: I have a lot of boat talk, so thank you, no,

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Speaker 2: but no judgment.

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Speaker 5: I did for years too.

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Speaker 1: Like I understand that I was on carpets and you're

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Speaker 1: on TV all the time. I mean, it's like, I

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Speaker 1: get it. I get the desire and and I just

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Speaker 1: had to stop when I was breastfeeding and then just

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Speaker 1: kind of decided, well, if it's not good for my babies, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: why should I be doing that to myself?

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Speaker 5: And I'm just trying. Who knows.

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Speaker 2: I love it, I mean I like I said, I

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Speaker 2: just I think you're stunning in every way. And we're

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Speaker 2: so excited to have you on because I know you

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Speaker 2: have a story that you want to share, and Tanya

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Speaker 2: and I it's a story that we don't relate to,

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Speaker 2: but I think so many people have navigated what you've

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Speaker 2: gone through.

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Speaker 5: Thank you so much. I'm happy to get to share

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Speaker 5: it with you, guys.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, because I also want to, Like, I feel like

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Speaker 4: what you went through before you had your kids, you

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Speaker 4: had this crazy, massive song. Fight song was in a

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Speaker 4: league of its own, Like you said earlier, people were

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Speaker 4: writing reports about it. My kids are writing school like

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Speaker 4: it really was. I had a life of its own,

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Speaker 4: and I feel like coming off of that was that

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Speaker 4: like a whirlwind too. Like was that like a whirlwind

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Speaker 4: just of emotions?

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, it was so hard and confusing and incredible. It

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Speaker 1: was all of my dreams coming true that I had

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Speaker 1: worked on for thirteen fourteen years, and that happened all

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Speaker 1: at once. And we can't go into more detail as

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Speaker 1: much as you want, but like that beginning part of

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Speaker 1: my story, just to give people who don't know me

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Speaker 1: and what you know, my story very, very in such

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Speaker 1: a detailed way. I was touring in a van for

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Speaker 1: years and was playing living rooms in small rock clubs

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Speaker 1: and building my fan base by one by one, you know,

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Speaker 1: selling CDs in the back of my van and suitcases

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Speaker 1: and printing the labels and doing all that. And I

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Speaker 1: was a real indie musician. And then I wrote fight

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Speaker 1: song about not giving up on myself because it had

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Speaker 1: been so long, and my friends were getting married and

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Speaker 1: having babies and buying houses, and I bought a van

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Speaker 1: and I was just so incredibly determined, and I moved

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Speaker 1: to la and was writing hundreds of songs because I

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Speaker 1: had a manager come on board and tell me, like, look,

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Speaker 1: everything you're doing is great, but it's not really going

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Speaker 1: to get you where you want to go. If you

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Speaker 1: want to reach the world, you need to learn to

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Speaker 1: write a pop song. You need to learn how to

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Speaker 1: communicate with the world, and that's through craft and honing

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Speaker 1: your craft. So I came to LA and basically did

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Speaker 1: like five hundred sessions and finally was just getting so

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Speaker 1: tired and sad and scared and doubting myself, but just

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Speaker 1: had this inner grit wrote fight Song in one of

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Speaker 1: those moments of tears pouring down and determined not to

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Speaker 1: give up on myself. And it came out and still

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Speaker 1: no one really listened or cared. And then a year

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Speaker 1: later was finally when it exploded, and that was because

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Speaker 1: of a radio station playing it. And then it got

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Speaker 1: to Shazam, so it was like the strange circumstance that

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Speaker 1: and then my life changed overnight, so like it came

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Speaker 1: out in January, sorry in May, in January like Shazam

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Speaker 1: to number one, and then I was signed within like

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Speaker 1: a week, and then I and all the labels had

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Speaker 1: rejected me by the way, like so many times they

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Speaker 1: knew me they were like, Rachel Bladdin, yeah that bitch,

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Speaker 1: do we know.

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Speaker 5: I'm like, I won't go away.

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Speaker 1: And within a month I was on stage at the

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Speaker 1: Radio Disney Music Awards. I'd never been on TV before.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I did you, That's what I think when we met.

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Speaker 5: We met there.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, so that's actually the award show that I met

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Speaker 4: Sophie and Paulina as well. Oh of course in front

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Speaker 4: row and we were jamming out here.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I was so nervous. I had never done anything

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Speaker 1: like that. And a couple of weeks after that, I

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Speaker 1: was on stage Retailer Swift and it was just like

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Speaker 1: this nuts ride out of nowhere. I didn't know how

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Speaker 1: to I didn't know how to process it or understand it.

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Speaker 1: For so long everyone was ignoring me and my music

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Speaker 1: and I was used to that, so it all of

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Speaker 1: a sudden. I mean, you guys are familiar, very familiar

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Speaker 1: with that onslought of attention and then how it can

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Speaker 1: go away and you have it's just this wave that

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Speaker 1: you have to learn to ride and not take so seriously.

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Speaker 1: But the first time it happens, it's pretty devastating, Like

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Speaker 1: the swell of attention and then the withdrawing of attention

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Speaker 1: is really can take your ego for a huge ride

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Speaker 1: where you're believing that you're.

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Speaker 4: But I even think it's more than ego. I think

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Speaker 4: it can like really mess with you in a mental

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Speaker 4: capacity because if you're not like assured of yourself and

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Speaker 4: you're not a confident person, because when you are, when

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Speaker 4: you're saying, you're at that level where everywhere that you know,

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Speaker 4: had that song that everybody wants and they want you

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Speaker 4: to do this interview and this interview and this show

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Speaker 4: and this show, and you're like spread so thin that

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Speaker 4: you can't even like you can't even.

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Speaker 5: Catch up up totally.

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Speaker 4: And then all of a sudden when it starts to simmer,

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Speaker 4: it's like this total I don't know, I don't want

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Speaker 4: to say mind mind f oh, I'm not supposed to

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Speaker 4: swear well no, it's yeah, yeah, but like I won't

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Speaker 4: do you know what I mean? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: No, Yes, it was really confusing. It was really confusing,

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Speaker 1: and it was wait, am I not good anymore? And

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Speaker 1: then I had another, thank god, like a number of

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Speaker 1: number one, another number one? But then what am I

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Speaker 1: supposed to do after that? Like then I was supposed

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Speaker 1: to follow it up? Somehow, how do you follow up

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Speaker 1: the most monstrous song like that people don't even know

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Speaker 1: it was me?

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I just did a TikTok reason.

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Speaker 1: They went kind of virol and it was like addressing

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Speaker 1: the fact that people think that it's Katy Perry or

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Speaker 1: Taylor Swift or Kelly Clarkson or anything but me. They

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Speaker 1: were just like, wait, who are you you? So Kelly

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Speaker 1: wrote that for you or he wrote that for Katie

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Speaker 1: And then she's saying it you guys, this happens to

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Speaker 1: me all the time, and I'm now to think it's funny,

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Speaker 1: Like I'm a mom of two now and I'm like, no, dude, it's.

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Speaker 4: Me, Okay, I don't care.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, but it was.

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Speaker 1: It was just such a bizarre explosion of a tent

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Speaker 1: that I wasn't ready for.

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Speaker 5: I didn't know how to process.

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Speaker 1: And I got there ironically by being so myself and

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Speaker 1: believing in myself so much and like being the same

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Speaker 1: girl that was this gretty, you know, rock star playing

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Speaker 1: in fans really the star is born kind of thing,

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Speaker 1: like you know, singing on singing literally in living rooms

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Speaker 1: when I couldn't get gigs, and then when I was there,

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden, I thought I had to be

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Speaker 1: this other way to maintain the success, and then I

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Speaker 1: started to kind of lose myself and lose that inner

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Speaker 1: fire and inner confidence, which is so ironic because I

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Speaker 1: was on stage singing two thousands and thousands of people

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Speaker 1: like believe in yourself, believing yourself exactly as you are,

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Speaker 1: and meanwhile I thought I had to change to be

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Speaker 1: the person that people were listening to.

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Speaker 5: So it was a real mind of f Yeah.

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Speaker 3: You know that. I don't know, is it?

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Speaker 4: Noah Khan Khan con kN yeah, singer do.

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Speaker 3: You know his music?

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Speaker 5: He real?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Sixth Season was like a viral moment, but he's

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Speaker 2: been creating music for a very long time and had

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Speaker 2: a viral moment on with this album Stix Season, and

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Speaker 2: he just recently wrote about how coming down from like

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Speaker 2: this unexpected influx of attention and success has almost crippled

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Speaker 2: him with like being able to write again. And I

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Speaker 2: was wondering if you relate to that, because it's like

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Speaker 2: you have this massive moment and then you're like ready

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Speaker 2: to write the next songs and you're like nothing's good

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Speaker 2: to know, Like have you felt that?

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Speaker 3: Yes?

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Speaker 1: And no, So I for me songwriting has always been

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Speaker 1: the one thing in this industry that I have this,

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Speaker 1: I know my ability, Like I pretty much wrote I

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Speaker 1: f id song by myself, and I wrote stand by

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Speaker 1: You the bulk of it myself, and I I know,

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Speaker 1: like I might doubt my voice, I might doubt my

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Speaker 1: stage presence or my looks or my this or my that,

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Speaker 1: but I just it's that one thing you know that

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Speaker 1: you know about yourself. Like I doubt if I'm a

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Speaker 1: good mom, I doubt if I'm a nice friend sometimes,

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Speaker 1: but I just never.

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Speaker 5: Doubt my songwriting.

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Speaker 1: So whether it was naive or not, after that, I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh, I'm gonna go. I'm the I can

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Speaker 1: I can recreate that. I need to stop swearing. I'm

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Speaker 1: so sorry, that's a fact.

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Speaker 3: I just want to be free. Yeah.

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Speaker 5: I was not intimidated by it.

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Speaker 1: Strangely I should have been, no, but well probably because

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Speaker 1: what happened was I went into the next record and

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Speaker 1: you guys, let me know, if it's too much about

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Speaker 1: that period of life and you want to get to

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Speaker 1: this more quickly.

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Speaker 3: No part of the part. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So I went into that next cycle after coming down

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Speaker 1: from this world tour and these this explosion being like, well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'll just I'll do that again, and I will, but

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Speaker 1: I don't want to. I don't want to be the

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Speaker 1: self help person anymore. I'm sick of being the empowerment queen.

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Speaker 4: Interesting.

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Speaker 5: I didn't want it. It was too much. It was

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Speaker 5: so intense pressure.

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Speaker 1: People would come up to me in meet and greets

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Speaker 1: and they would cry in my arms and they would

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Speaker 1: show me their cuts on their wrist. I didn't kill

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Speaker 1: myself because of your music. You have saved my life.

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Speaker 1: And it was so beautiful and when it was happening

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Speaker 1: slowly in a trickle in the beginning, it was the

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Speaker 1: most unbelievable thing.

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Speaker 5: But by the end I didn't even know how to

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Speaker 5: hold it all.

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Speaker 1: I was losing myself and then started to buy into

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Speaker 1: the fact, like, well, I'm really special.

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Speaker 5: I must be really special. And it wasn't me. It

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Speaker 5: wasn't ever me.

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Speaker 1: It was God working through me, and you know it

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Speaker 1: was and I started to believe it was me. And

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Speaker 1: that's a dangerous thing for an artist to believe. So

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Speaker 1: when I went into that next cycle, I was pretty inflated,

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Speaker 1: like thinking like, well, I'm I'm pretty much you.

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Speaker 4: Know, amazing, amazing.

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Speaker 5: I save people's lives. That was not how I got

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Speaker 5: those songs.

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Speaker 1: That was through the humility and the openness to creativity

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Speaker 1: and letting the channel come.

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Speaker 5: Through so good.

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Speaker 1: So I forgot how to do that in a way,

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Speaker 1: and I wrote another record and I still I still

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Speaker 1: am a great songwriter. I'll give myself my flowers like

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Speaker 1: I can craft a wonderful pop song, But they didn't

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Speaker 1: hold the same how we in the same gravy toss,

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Speaker 1: gravitas and the thing that you almost can't explain what

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Speaker 1: it is about when a song heals you and makes

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Speaker 1: you feel like you're not alone and expresses something that

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Speaker 1: you've had a hard time expressing, and don't I don't

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Speaker 1: think it had. It was fun and I love the

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Speaker 1: record and it's fun. It's a fun dance record, and

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Speaker 1: there's like great pop songs, but it did not do

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Speaker 1: what the record before did. And a lot of that

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Speaker 1: was because I purposely was like, I'm taking off this

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Speaker 1: crown of self help and anything that got close to

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Speaker 1: that in writing sessions where it was a little bit empowering,

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Speaker 1: I just know I don't want to do that anymore.

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Speaker 5: I don't want to encourage anyone.

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Speaker 3: I was not done encouragement. I'm dancing.

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Speaker 5: Literally, I was like, I just want to be cool.

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Speaker 1: I just want to be like who is I want

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Speaker 1: to be like Halcy or something.

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Speaker 5: Who else was cool at the time? I don't know

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Speaker 5: because I wasn't you know.

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Speaker 1: Fight Song was like so and stand By You was

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Speaker 1: the same message and better place. My singles were all

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Speaker 1: so heartwarming and I was not getting invited to like OLLA,

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Speaker 1: which I don't give it about now, but like at

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Speaker 1: the time, I was, yeah, why can't I be part

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Speaker 1: of that? And you know, no one really needed that

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Speaker 1: from me. There was enough artists doing that.

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Speaker 6: Right, right.

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Speaker 4: It's so interesting how like you always want what is

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Speaker 4: not yours? Yeah, in every aspect of life.

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Speaker 5: Yes, Tanya, Yeah, yeah, you always look to the side.

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Speaker 2: And because don't you imagine those other artists were hearing

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Speaker 2: fightsng being like I wish I could make people feel

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Speaker 2: empowered in their darkest moment.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I imagine that probably some were, Yeah, for sure.

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Speaker 5: I can't believe.

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Speaker 1: I was just so confused, Yeah, so scary all of it,

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Speaker 1: and it was so much to hold. And I think

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Speaker 1: in a way, I think the word sabotage is too strong,

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Speaker 1: but I think in a way I was trying to

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Speaker 1: like step away from it a little bit, you.

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Speaker 4: Know, But you know, I think about this all the

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Speaker 4: time because I've seen it. I've been in this industry

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Speaker 4: for thirteen years, and I've seen these artists that come

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Speaker 4: up so fast and like, yeah, everybody wants to work

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Speaker 4: with them there and they have the number one, number

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Speaker 4: two songs in the country, and it's like and then

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Speaker 4: you know, like uh Iggysilia is another good example, like

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Speaker 4: everybody wanted to work with her, everybody wanted to be here.

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Speaker 4: She was the bee's knees, and then all of a sudden,

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Speaker 4: it's just like it does. It just fades away, just

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Speaker 4: the cycle of like how it goes but like when

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Speaker 4: you have so much coming at you for that period

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Speaker 4: of time and then it goes away, It's like, I

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Speaker 4: do think there's just like a lot of damage that's

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Speaker 4: done on somebody's mental health from all that.

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Speaker 5: I think you're so right. I think it was more

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Speaker 5: like a lot of people.

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Speaker 4: Too, are very young when this stuff happened, so that's

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Speaker 4: even more traumatic.

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Speaker 1: Thank God, I was thirty three and had a real

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Speaker 1: grasp of who I am at least, and I was

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Speaker 1: married and happily married I still am, and so I

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Speaker 1: had a real support base.

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Speaker 5: But even with that, like, how devastating must.

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Speaker 1: It be for teenagers and people in their young twenties,

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Speaker 1: Because even as a thirty year old married woman, yeah,

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Speaker 1: with a healthy family around me, I it took a

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Speaker 1: humongous toll on my self worth and understand who I am?

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Speaker 1: And well, do I have value in the world anymore

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Speaker 1: if I'm not valuable in that way? And so, yeah,

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Speaker 1: there's a lot more to the story though.

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Speaker 3: Well that's a good place to take.

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Speaker 2: A break, right right back, all right, we are back.

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Speaker 2: So you mentioned your husband you've been married for you

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Speaker 2: got married in two thousand and ten.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, so you've been married for thirteen years.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, that's crazy.

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Speaker 6: See that, math, I was great, math, Tanya, that was

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Speaker 6: faster than I was gonna job.

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Speaker 3: She's like, how long is navigating this with a partner?

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Speaker 3: What was it like?

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Speaker 2: I mean what, I know you said he was a

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Speaker 2: support system, but was there a moment when you were

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Speaker 2: like going through the wave, riding the wave and coming

354
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Speaker 2: off of the wave where you were just kind of like,

355
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Speaker 2: how did he handle it as a as a partner?

356
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Speaker 1: He was incredibly supportive and incredibly excited for me. But

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Speaker 1: something that did start happening, if I'm just being so honest,

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Speaker 1: is that I feel a little embarrassed talking about this,

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Speaker 1: but it's the truth.

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Speaker 4: So, like I know where you're going, you start.

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Speaker 1: Kind of treating everyone around you like they work for you,

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Speaker 1: because everyone around you, often when you're reaching that height,

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Speaker 1: does kind of just work for you. Like, all of

364
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,400
Speaker 1: a sudden, your circle is your assistant, your publicist, you're label,

365
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Speaker 1: you're and you're surrounded by people and you're like, wait,

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Speaker 1: where is my normal life again? And so my husband

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Speaker 1: started to feel like, dude, I'm not even assistant, Like

368
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Speaker 1: if I'm on a thing with you, like don't ask

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Speaker 1: me for coffee or like just you know. And so

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Speaker 1: we started to have trouble because he was I I

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Speaker 1: think like diva reach kind of came out and I

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Speaker 1: was never like that. I'm from Boston, I'm very grounded.

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Speaker 1: I'm like a socks fan. I'm like, what's up, guys,

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Speaker 1: And that was not who I am, but like being

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Speaker 1: thrown into that, I all of a sudden was like,

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Speaker 1: I guess I'm supposed to act this way, and everyone's

377
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Speaker 1: kind of treating me.

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Speaker 5: That I'm supposed to act that way.

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00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:10,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, so he and I it was tough for him.

380
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Speaker 1: He was like, who is this new Rachel? Like where

381
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Speaker 1: did I you know? But he never made me feel guilty.

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Speaker 1: I've just now, in the aftermath and since coming back

383
00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:22,680
Speaker 1: down to Earth and having babies and Greek rounding, can

384
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Speaker 1: look back and be like, A have compassion for myself because.

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Speaker 5: My goodness, who could handle that? I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I did a pretty good job with that note, like

387
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Speaker 1: considering what it was. But at the same time, I

388
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Speaker 1: can also understand and I've done some apologies around me

389
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Speaker 1: the people that I love the most, like, hey, I'm

390
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Speaker 1: really sorry if I lost myself there for a little while,

391
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Speaker 1: if I, you know, treated you the way that I

392
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Speaker 1: would never want to treat anyone, you know, I I'm sorry.

393
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Speaker 1: So he, I think struggled a little bit with that.

394
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Speaker 1: But then, as you know, we went into the next

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Speaker 1: phase of our life and having children. It's we've heeled

396
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Speaker 1: so much and it's been really beautiful.

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Speaker 3: I love that.

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Speaker 1: I think he was confused too, you know, like, yeah,

399
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Speaker 1: he was excited. We were like on stages. The ball

400
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,600
Speaker 1: was dropping in New York in Times Square and we

401
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,600
Speaker 1: were we went all around the world and we did

402
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,360
Speaker 1: all these crazy things, and like he was he's from

403
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Speaker 1: Miami and he's kind of like a party boys, and

404
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:13,400
Speaker 1: he was like.

405
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Speaker 5: He was living it off. He was having more fun

406
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Speaker 5: than I was.

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Speaker 1: To be honest, Yeah, he's like, great, just don't ask

408
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Speaker 1: me to get coffee.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly, exactly.

410
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Speaker 4: So you guys started having kids in twenty nineteen, is

411
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Speaker 4: that right? I see here twenty ninety. Yeah.

412
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Speaker 5: I got pregnant twenty eighteen. Yeah.

413
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Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, so then you gave birth in twenty nineteen

414
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Speaker 4: and in twenty twenty one. Yeah, And I want to

415
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,919
Speaker 4: talk about something that you experienced after Was it with

416
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Speaker 4: both kids?

417
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Speaker 5: With both kids? Yeah?

418
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Speaker 4: Was his postpartum depression? Yes, because a lot of I

419
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Speaker 4: have a couple people in my life that haven't experienced it,

420
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Speaker 4: and I've done my research. Obviously, I know what it is,

421
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Speaker 4: but I don't think it's anything you can really understand

422
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Speaker 4: until you've gone through it.

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Speaker 1: Oh, and I don't know that there's enough conversations being had.

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Speaker 1: I think it's something that before you're a mother, you

425
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:06,280
Speaker 1: almost think about as like this, I don't know, it's

426
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,520
Speaker 1: not gonna happen to me. Yeah, And it's so far away,

427
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,000
Speaker 1: and why do I have to pay attention to that?

428
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Speaker 1: And it's almost like then when you're pregnant, my goodness,

429
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,720
Speaker 1: you don't want to listen to it, like you don't

430
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,200
Speaker 1: want to hear about it. I remember reading a book

431
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Speaker 1: called the Fourth Trimester that my best friend got me

432
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Speaker 1: in preparation for having the baby. And the fourth trimester

433
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,359
Speaker 1: is what they call the first three months after the

434
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Speaker 1: baby arrives, because strangely, the human baby is actually born

435
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Speaker 1: like in essence, three months premature, and they need to

436
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,160
Speaker 1: rely on the mother for everything, whereas other any other

437
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,080
Speaker 1: animal is born like being able to eat and walk.

438
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Speaker 1: So the baby's like really rely on on the mom.

439
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Speaker 1: And it's a very intense time.

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Speaker 4: And is that when the postpartum depression hits those three

441
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Speaker 4: months after birth.

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Speaker 1: It's like really pretty much any time from it could

443
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,679
Speaker 1: be any time from the birth until like up to

444
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:56,000
Speaker 1: a year. It can come on, and it can be

445
00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:58,320
Speaker 1: very subtle and sneaky, and you cannot totally know what's

446
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:02,239
Speaker 1: happening because of the hormones and because you're a new

447
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,280
Speaker 1: mom and you're tired anyway, and so you can kind

448
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,040
Speaker 1: of just think, oh, well, this maybe I'm just tired,

449
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,439
Speaker 1: or I'm a new mom and my body's not the

450
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,919
Speaker 1: same and my body hurts, and maybe it's that and

451
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,200
Speaker 1: I'll get back to normal soon. But it's a way

452
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:20,200
Speaker 1: more intense thing. And yeah, and I can go into

453
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:23,040
Speaker 1: like how how I got diagnosed with her? What happened

454
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,680
Speaker 1: if you got well?

455
00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:28,639
Speaker 2: I want to how soon after you had your first daughter,

456
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:34,240
Speaker 2: Violet Violet, how soon after that did you start feeling

457
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:37,720
Speaker 2: like because obviously you're experiencing everything, yes, but like when

458
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,320
Speaker 2: did you kind of have a moment like, Okay, this

459
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:42,640
Speaker 2: isn't going away.

460
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:48,280
Speaker 1: So the first couple of weeks, I.

461
00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:47,600
Speaker 5: I was having trouble sleeping.

462
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,680
Speaker 1: I'm since touring and since like being in different time

463
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,920
Speaker 1: zones every day, I started to like develop a little

464
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,480
Speaker 1: bit of trouble with sleeping. After lying around the world

465
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,840
Speaker 1: so much and the pressure of having to be on it,

466
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,639
Speaker 1: It's just like something that started to get troublesome for me.

467
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,160
Speaker 1: And really I should have gotten help, but I didn't

468
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,359
Speaker 1: know enough, and I was in this mode of like

469
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:11,240
Speaker 1: all natural and very la and like not to put

470
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,160
Speaker 1: it down. But now I have an understanding that it's

471
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:17,000
Speaker 1: both east and west, yeah, for sure. But so I

472
00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:19,280
Speaker 1: was like not taking anything or not really helping myself

473
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:26,080
Speaker 1: with then, like meditating and jeez. So I was kind

474
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:28,320
Speaker 1: of like, oh, I'll be okay, you know, but this

475
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:32,160
Speaker 1: not sleep was what I now know is like one

476
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,720
Speaker 1: of the first symptoms is the insomnia is your hormones

477
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:38,800
Speaker 1: just then and the nervousness just keeping you up and

478
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,800
Speaker 1: making it impossible for your brain and your nervous system

479
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,239
Speaker 1: to calm down. And birth is a really crazy thing

480
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:48,440
Speaker 1: that happens. And I did both of my berths vaginally,

481
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,720
Speaker 1: and my second one was all natural at home, but

482
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:52,199
Speaker 1: the first one was in a hospital and it was

483
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:54,679
Speaker 1: a little bit traumatic, and so there was some trauma

484
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,320
Speaker 1: that I was dealing with from the hospital birth and

485
00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:59,800
Speaker 1: like processing, and I just kind of thought, Oh, this

486
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:01,040
Speaker 1: is just I'm.

487
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,959
Speaker 5: A new mom. I mean, this is normal. But I

488
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:04,760
Speaker 5: was crying a lot.

489
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:08,480
Speaker 1: I kind of then recovered and was good and had

490
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,600
Speaker 1: such a blissful couple of months with my baby, with

491
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:13,679
Speaker 1: my newborn baby, Violet, and it was so sweet and

492
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,840
Speaker 1: we'd walk to the park and it was so lovely.

493
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:20,320
Speaker 1: But I went on tour when she was three months old.

494
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:23,240
Speaker 5: Oh wow, And I don't know why.

495
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,560
Speaker 1: I don't know what it was I feel like it

496
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,800
Speaker 1: maybe was this a I'm the breadwinner, so it was

497
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,560
Speaker 1: like a financial decision, but I think that it was

498
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:36,120
Speaker 1: also this refusal to believe that my baby would change anything.

499
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:37,280
Speaker 4: Yeah, and this.

500
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,639
Speaker 1: Almost like determination to show myself and show the world like, no,

501
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,080
Speaker 1: I'm still a rock star. I'm still going to be

502
00:22:43,119 --> 00:22:46,639
Speaker 1: the same. My life's the same. I mean, nothing changes

503
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,439
Speaker 1: you more. It's a fundamental change in who you are

504
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:53,159
Speaker 1: in a cellular level, and I just didn't want it

505
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,800
Speaker 1: to be so. And so it wasn't until I was

506
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,840
Speaker 1: on tour and playing to like fifteen thousand people a

507
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,280
Speaker 1: night and then coming home to breastfeed, and my breast

508
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:04,120
Speaker 1: milk started to dwindle and that really set it off.

509
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:08,520
Speaker 1: Like the breast milk drying up for some reason at

510
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,080
Speaker 1: that moment made me feel like a complete failure as

511
00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:15,480
Speaker 1: a mother, and it was devastating. And I would cry

512
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,520
Speaker 1: after like, you know, getting applauded by thousands and thousands people.

513
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:20,119
Speaker 1: I would cry in bed at night on the tour

514
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,280
Speaker 1: bus and like squeeze my boobs to try to get

515
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:25,720
Speaker 1: milk out, and it was so devastating. And finally the

516
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,040
Speaker 1: nanny that was with us was like Rachel, you have

517
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,160
Speaker 1: to start supplementing with formula, like the baby's gonna lose

518
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,240
Speaker 1: weight and it's dangerous. And I was just I was

519
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,600
Speaker 1: almost like fixated on this one thing that now looking back, my.

520
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,600
Speaker 5: God, like, of course, it's no big deal to feed

521
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,080
Speaker 5: your baby. However, you can feed your baby, feed your baby.

522
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,639
Speaker 5: But I was devastated. I felt like a failure.

523
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,080
Speaker 1: I'm such a perfectionist in so many areas of my

524
00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:49,840
Speaker 1: life and I just wanted to do this so right.

525
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,080
Speaker 5: And I wasn't.

526
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,680
Speaker 1: Sleeping very well on the tour bus and she was

527
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,399
Speaker 1: waking up every three months sorry three hours to feed,

528
00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:00,200
Speaker 1: and it was just a recipe for like I don't

529
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:01,719
Speaker 1: know who would who would be okay?

530
00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:02,399
Speaker 5: It was.

531
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:05,800
Speaker 1: It was not a supported, moot like decision. I wish

532
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,320
Speaker 1: that I had had a better support team around me

533
00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:11,879
Speaker 1: at that time, like a therapist or just god, at

534
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,640
Speaker 1: the minimum, a therapist, Yeah, help me make that decision.

535
00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 1: But I think it was also coming off of like

536
00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:21,840
Speaker 1: the roller coaster of being on top and then the

537
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,240
Speaker 1: second record not doing well.

538
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:24,600
Speaker 5: It was almost like.

539
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:25,959
Speaker 4: I have to I have to do this.

540
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,880
Speaker 5: It's like I can't let too much time.

541
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,960
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, bye, I had the momentum.

542
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:31,000
Speaker 5: The momentum.

543
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:32,679
Speaker 1: I have to be this while people still know who

544
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,520
Speaker 1: I am. And oh, I want to hug that little

545
00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:37,919
Speaker 1: Rachel so much. I just want to hug her and

546
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,560
Speaker 1: be like, oh, Rachee, honey, Oh you just created life.

547
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:46,080
Speaker 1: You created something so much more powerful than music, Like

548
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:50,359
Speaker 1: my goodness, take a break, take some time, like you

549
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:51,479
Speaker 1: have so much more ahead.

550
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:52,200
Speaker 5: I wish that I.

551
00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:54,960
Speaker 1: Could hold her and tell her that she's enough in

552
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,479
Speaker 1: that moment, and like, spend time nest with your baby.

553
00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,840
Speaker 5: The world will be there, music will be there.

554
00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:03,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I didn't know that, and it just got

555
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,280
Speaker 1: really really bad.

556
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:05,080
Speaker 5: When I was on tour.

557
00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,720
Speaker 1: I wasn't sleeping and I started having real insomnia, like

558
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:11,399
Speaker 1: just I was up for like a whole night without

559
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,919
Speaker 1: a wink of sleep, and then playing to thousands of

560
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,080
Speaker 1: people and then trying to breastfeed, and then the whole

561
00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:18,959
Speaker 1: cycle repeating itself and going to radio stations, and like,

562
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,040
Speaker 1: I just became astell of myself, and my husband was worried,

563
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:27,399
Speaker 1: my friends were worried, and finally, thank god, I called

564
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:32,200
Speaker 1: my friend Gabby Bernstein, who is amazing.

565
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:32,280
Speaker 4: On the podcast.

566
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:38,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, she saved my life twice she literally I

567
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,919
Speaker 1: could cry thinking about how much of a difference she

568
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:42,520
Speaker 1: made in my life.

569
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,760
Speaker 5: But she was such a good friend.

570
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 1: And I told her I was going through and she said, baby,

571
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:49,680
Speaker 1: you have postpartum depression. It's what I have right now too.

572
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,480
Speaker 1: I can understand the symptoms. I'm telling you, go get

573
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,280
Speaker 1: help now, Like do you have therapists? Get a therapist?

574
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:57,879
Speaker 1: Do you have are you on medicine? Get medicine? Like

575
00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:59,560
Speaker 1: do what you need to do, take care of yourself.

576
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,800
Speaker 1: This is what's going on with your body. And I

577
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,240
Speaker 1: sobbed in recognition of all the things she was telling

578
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,240
Speaker 1: me and explaining. And one of the things was that

579
00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:10,000
Speaker 1: wasn't so extreme, but was this feeling that I was

580
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:12,199
Speaker 1: not enough for my baby, And it came from not

581
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:14,280
Speaker 1: being able to feed her. But it was like, don't

582
00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:16,159
Speaker 1: leave her with me, Like I'm not good enough at this.

583
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:17,920
Speaker 1: I don't know what to do, Like I can't calm

584
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:20,479
Speaker 1: her down, I can't get her to stop crying.

585
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:24,200
Speaker 5: Someone else take her. I'm not And I'd have these.

586
00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:28,000
Speaker 1: Terrifying fears, which is another symptoms at postpartum, or like

587
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:30,760
Speaker 1: just imagining horrible things happening to her and feeling so

588
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:35,240
Speaker 1: scared so Gabby pointed out that probably was what was happening,

589
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:39,600
Speaker 1: and it felt like this humongous sigh of relief, like

590
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:44,240
Speaker 1: in a way like okay, okay, okay, I understand, Yeah,

591
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,000
Speaker 1: I can get help now that I know that there's

592
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,120
Speaker 1: something actually going on.

593
00:27:03,359 --> 00:27:07,280
Speaker 2: You had mentioned there there were things that you were

594
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:10,960
Speaker 2: scared of as far as like things to do to help, right,

595
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:13,120
Speaker 2: Were you scared? Were there any things that you were

596
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,840
Speaker 2: like scared of taking, like medicine or was there the.

597
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:19,320
Speaker 1: First time with Violet, I did not want to be

598
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:21,760
Speaker 1: on any antidepressants or anything. I was still in this

599
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,160
Speaker 1: mindset of like let me be all natural.

600
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 5: So I know, well, yeah, I know, and LA really

601
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,840
Speaker 5: doesn't help us with it. It really makes you feel.

602
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,479
Speaker 4: Like I think that I have like a little bit

603
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,760
Speaker 4: of a like I definitely want to do the best

604
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:40,040
Speaker 4: that I can before I take the meds. But I'm

605
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,080
Speaker 4: not opposed, like I'm not so anti.

606
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:45,200
Speaker 1: That's exactly that that I think it should be all

607
00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:48,520
Speaker 1: of our yeah, best practices is like do your best

608
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,720
Speaker 1: because often you can reverse it, as you know, Yeah,

609
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,080
Speaker 1: and then if it's not working, that other option is

610
00:27:56,119 --> 00:27:56,760
Speaker 1: there for a reason.

611
00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:57,960
Speaker 5: It's all from God, Like.

612
00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:00,840
Speaker 4: I also think the postpartum is like a whole different

613
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:04,240
Speaker 4: because that is that's hormones. That's like a lot of

614
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,440
Speaker 4: stuff that like don't I mean, you could eat all

615
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:09,600
Speaker 4: the blueberries in the world and it could not supplement

616
00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:11,199
Speaker 4: the right hormone, you know what I mean. And so

617
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,439
Speaker 4: it's just like I think there's levels of like where

618
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:15,200
Speaker 4: it can go.

619
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:19,640
Speaker 5: You are so smart and right on, that's true. It's hormonal.

620
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:24,240
Speaker 1: So it's literally like your period happened, like the day

621
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:26,080
Speaker 1: of your period when you're just I actually I'm about

622
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:27,200
Speaker 1: to get my period in like two days.

623
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:28,520
Speaker 5: And I was crying last night, and I was like,

624
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:31,280
Speaker 5: what is wrong with me? I always forget every month?

625
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:36,160
Speaker 3: And I'm like, oh, everyone hates me. I'm so ugly.

626
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:39,640
Speaker 1: And then you can hear it like, oh my god, girl,

627
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,640
Speaker 1: what were you so upset about? But I it's that

628
00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:46,400
Speaker 1: times like a thousand and it's just hormonal. And so

629
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,320
Speaker 1: you're right, like, you actually just need your hormones balance

630
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:52,760
Speaker 1: and the levels balanced. The first time with postpartum, though

631
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:55,480
Speaker 1: it wasn't as extreme, and I was getting filled up

632
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:58,160
Speaker 1: by the crowds every night, like I do love being

633
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,640
Speaker 1: on stage more than anything in the world, and so

634
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:03,600
Speaker 1: I was really feeling a sense of purpose and it

635
00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:06,440
Speaker 1: was beautiful, So I think that there was a little

636
00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:08,040
Speaker 1: bit of a boost I was getting, even though it

637
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:11,280
Speaker 1: was also really hard to be performing. At the same time,

638
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,400
Speaker 1: it was healthy in a way that with my second child, Sophie,

639
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,280
Speaker 1: I didn't have that. It was the pandemic and I

640
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:20,240
Speaker 1: was isolated alone, and that was a recipe for like

641
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:24,239
Speaker 1: very extreme depression. So with Violet, I was able to

642
00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:27,040
Speaker 1: heal from just getting acupuncture and these Chinese herbs that

643
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:29,280
Speaker 1: my acupuncturist gave me and thought they were and I

644
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:34,600
Speaker 1: had an incredible therapist and that alone got me through it. Yeah,

645
00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:38,960
Speaker 1: So I recovered pretty quickly actually, and started writing music again.

646
00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:40,880
Speaker 4: And found what's quickly though, like weeks or months?

647
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:42,880
Speaker 5: Months? Yeah, good question.

648
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:46,280
Speaker 1: Like it started around June, and the summer tour lasted

649
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:49,920
Speaker 1: from May until like the end of August, and so

650
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:51,160
Speaker 1: we were on the bus for like four and a

651
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 1: half four months, and then when I got home, I

652
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,400
Speaker 1: started to heal pretty quickly. We moved to this little

653
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,400
Speaker 1: beautiful beach house in Venice that was like a little

654
00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:01,480
Speaker 1: shack and it was so like cabin.

655
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:03,400
Speaker 5: My husband's like, don't call it a chef, so it's

656
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:04,080
Speaker 5: very offensive.

657
00:30:06,040 --> 00:30:10,200
Speaker 1: It's a little beach cabin. And I was just really healing.

658
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,160
Speaker 1: I was biking every day to the yoga studio and

659
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:16,600
Speaker 1: going into the ocean and like doing all the la things, meditating,

660
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:19,400
Speaker 1: like sieging and drinking green juices and like it was

661
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:22,040
Speaker 1: beautiful and I really did heal myself like that. Yea,

662
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:26,280
Speaker 1: and one baby, it's not so bad. Like one baby,

663
00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:29,040
Speaker 1: you have help, you have a husband. Yeah, it's doable.

664
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:36,320
Speaker 6: Entered the second baby, Oh my god, there is like,

665
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:39,800
Speaker 6: my lord, I feel like I've heard people explain postpartum

666
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:44,080
Speaker 6: depression in like various different ways and like and correct

667
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:46,360
Speaker 6: me if I'm wrong, because obviously it's not the same

668
00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:47,000
Speaker 6: for everybody.

669
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:51,400
Speaker 4: But did you ever have these feelings of I don't

670
00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:54,560
Speaker 4: know how to say it, but like the morning of

671
00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:56,720
Speaker 4: your life before you had kills?

672
00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:58,240
Speaker 5: Yes, thank you for bringing out.

673
00:30:58,320 --> 00:30:59,400
Speaker 4: How do you explain that?

674
00:30:59,440 --> 00:30:59,560
Speaker 7: Like?

675
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:03,160
Speaker 4: What is it? Yeah, it's not like you regret having

676
00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:06,680
Speaker 4: a baby, but you just mourn the life that you

677
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:08,560
Speaker 4: had before you had the baby.

678
00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:12,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true. I haven't really thought about that, but

679
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,000
Speaker 1: that is def that was definitely part of it. It

680
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:18,320
Speaker 1: was like this underlying you're missing the freedom. I mean,

681
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,080
Speaker 1: everything becomes about the baby and it's beauty.

682
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:23,880
Speaker 4: You can't even go to the bathroom without no.

683
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,280
Speaker 1: In the beginning, I mean, yeah, no, And I didn't

684
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 1: know enough to get the kind of help that I

685
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:29,720
Speaker 1: was able to have with a second, Like, it was

686
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:31,400
Speaker 1: just me and my husband on the bus for a while,

687
00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:35,120
Speaker 1: and then we had a nannycumb and like, but you know, yeah,

688
00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:37,720
Speaker 1: you were on twenty four to seven. You are needed

689
00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:39,760
Speaker 1: and your body is not your body, like your body

690
00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:42,120
Speaker 1: is a vehicle for feeding your baby and like cuddling

691
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 1: your baby and helping your baby, and you go from

692
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:45,880
Speaker 1: like and I was thirty seven when I had her,

693
00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:48,920
Speaker 1: so I'd spent a lot of my life, like almost

694
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:54,120
Speaker 1: four decades in control of my body, and like and I.

695
00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:54,479
Speaker 5: And I did mourn it.

696
00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:56,800
Speaker 1: I did mourn the loss of the maiden, you know

697
00:31:56,920 --> 00:32:00,360
Speaker 1: they say, and the woman that was free and could

698
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:02,320
Speaker 1: fly around the world whenever she wanted and like wake

699
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:05,240
Speaker 1: up whenever she wanted, and and just decide what I

700
00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:09,040
Speaker 1: wanted to do with my body when that was really

701
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:12,240
Speaker 1: hard and confusing because also you're eating certain things, you're

702
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:13,320
Speaker 1: not injecting.

703
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:13,720
Speaker 5: Your face with things.

704
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're avoiding sushi, You're avoiding things that are sorry,

705
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:19,840
Speaker 1: that's when you're pregnant. I ate a lot of sushi breastfeeding,

706
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:23,640
Speaker 1: but you're yeah, you have to really, everything you're putting

707
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:25,360
Speaker 1: your body is going to go into your milk, so

708
00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:27,960
Speaker 1: you're making and I eat very clean and was very

709
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:30,040
Speaker 1: like living very clean, but still there were things that

710
00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:32,800
Speaker 1: I was avoiding, and like, my daughter was allergic to fish,

711
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:33,960
Speaker 1: so I was avoiding fish, and I.

712
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:38,120
Speaker 5: Can love fish. Yeah, my god, my swears. And I

713
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:41,080
Speaker 5: just was like, yeah, I.

714
00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:42,800
Speaker 1: Don't know if that I have the most elegant way

715
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:46,560
Speaker 1: to put it, other than it's the most beautiful change

716
00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:51,240
Speaker 1: and it's also so humongous and no one can prepare

717
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:55,360
Speaker 1: you for it. And the sepiotoned pictures on Instagram and

718
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:58,560
Speaker 1: like the beautiful reels of the quiet, you know, beautiful

719
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:02,040
Speaker 1: white like room with the baby all clean, like that

720
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:05,520
Speaker 1: is so unrealistic and I think it's harmful for new moms,

721
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:08,280
Speaker 1: and it's really can be heartbreaking when you face the

722
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:09,960
Speaker 1: reality of what it looks like.

723
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:11,920
Speaker 5: The first couple of weeks. I've had so many friends

724
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:15,120
Speaker 5: since text me like, what the dick is going on?

725
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:16,240
Speaker 5: I'm in diapers.

726
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:20,040
Speaker 1: I'm bleeding. My body's a mess. I did not bounce back.

727
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:23,120
Speaker 1: I still look six months pregnant. My baby's not sleeping.

728
00:33:23,640 --> 00:33:25,960
Speaker 1: What is happening to my body? I'm getting chills at

729
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,160
Speaker 1: night when your milk comes in, you have it feels

730
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:30,040
Speaker 1: like you have a flu. It's like there's all these

731
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:33,160
Speaker 1: things no one tells women, and so it's shocking if

732
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:33,960
Speaker 1: you're not prepared.

733
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:38,080
Speaker 5: And oh my god, for time, I feel so bad

734
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:39,360
Speaker 5: in a way. That's why I don't want to talk

735
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:39,760
Speaker 5: about No.

736
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:43,000
Speaker 4: It's so no I'm it's so brave, and it's so honest,

737
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 4: and it's so needed, and like I do. I mean,

738
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,880
Speaker 4: I've heard people say that they had moments where they

739
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:50,760
Speaker 4: would look like, you know, you think every time you

740
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:53,360
Speaker 4: look at your baby, and everybody posts those those this

741
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:55,680
Speaker 4: is the happiest I've ever been. I've never loved anything,

742
00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:57,160
Speaker 4: you know, like it's like what you say you see

743
00:33:57,200 --> 00:34:00,320
Speaker 4: on Instagram. But I've I've talked to women who have

744
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,760
Speaker 4: had postpartum depression where they look at their baby and

745
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:07,320
Speaker 4: there's nothing they feel nothing like they just feel like.

746
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,520
Speaker 3: No connection, no connection, so heartbreaking.

747
00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:13,640
Speaker 1: I think God did not that wasn't one of the

748
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:15,640
Speaker 1: symptoms because they can all be different.

749
00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:16,080
Speaker 6: Yeah.

750
00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:18,600
Speaker 1: God, I felt a deep, deep love for her and

751
00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:21,120
Speaker 1: a deep connection and desire to be the right mom

752
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:23,680
Speaker 1: for her, and like, but I did feel an inadequacy

753
00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:26,600
Speaker 1: as her mom. But I never felt like not the

754
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:30,520
Speaker 1: connection of love. And I can imagine my heart breaks

755
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:32,239
Speaker 1: for moms that feel that because that is.

756
00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:33,200
Speaker 5: Also not your fault.

757
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:36,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, that is also hormonal, and like it is literally

758
00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:38,960
Speaker 1: just your fight or flight mechanism kicking in saying you

759
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:42,520
Speaker 1: aren't safe in this role, run like this isn't safe

760
00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:46,920
Speaker 1: for you. And so it's hard to understand it from

761
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:49,200
Speaker 1: the outside. But because I've faced so much of it,

762
00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:52,520
Speaker 1: I can even understand that feeling. I was so in

763
00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:54,719
Speaker 1: love with Violent and so in love with Sophie, and

764
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:58,520
Speaker 1: thank god, but I am Yeah, how heartbreaking.

765
00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:02,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, So when you had Sophie, you said it was

766
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:04,719
Speaker 2: during the pandemic and you were isolated and there was

767
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:07,600
Speaker 2: just like and then adding on to all of a

768
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:11,280
Speaker 2: sudden being a mother of one child to two children,

769
00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:16,319
Speaker 2: My lord, was that postpartum depression worse the second time?

770
00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:16,600
Speaker 4: Yeah?

771
00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:19,879
Speaker 1: I mean we were all living through the worst thing,

772
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:23,600
Speaker 1: you know, isolated and alone, and we were missing the

773
00:35:24,160 --> 00:35:26,879
Speaker 1: things that fill us up that we take so much

774
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:30,239
Speaker 1: for granted, my contact and hugs. And I'm such a

775
00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:35,200
Speaker 1: I'm extroverted, introvert, but I like love people. And I

776
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:38,160
Speaker 1: missed my family so much there on the East Coast.

777
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:42,440
Speaker 1: And anyway, I had Sophie in my bedroom. It was

778
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:45,120
Speaker 1: the most beautiful berth. It was very healing from my

779
00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:45,760
Speaker 1: last berth.

780
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:47,919
Speaker 5: I also write.

781
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:51,400
Speaker 1: Before I had Sophie, started to write at some of

782
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:54,080
Speaker 1: the best music of my life. And it had come

783
00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:57,360
Speaker 1: out of the pain and the trauma of postpartum with Violet.

784
00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:00,520
Speaker 1: And we moved to this very it felt like a

785
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:04,240
Speaker 1: sanctuary in the valley and it was just really healing

786
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:06,960
Speaker 1: to be there too and have our own little safe space.

787
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:08,680
Speaker 1: And I had a studio, that is, I have this

788
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:11,440
Speaker 1: beautiful Spanish house and a beautiful studio and it felt

789
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:14,080
Speaker 1: like these gigantic trees in my yard.

790
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:15,680
Speaker 5: And I was, you know, kind of.

791
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:20,360
Speaker 1: I just felt really inspired. Yeah, and this music started

792
00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:22,719
Speaker 1: coming again, and I was I was really grateful. I

793
00:36:22,719 --> 00:36:24,680
Speaker 1: didn't know that it would come, and I was welcoming

794
00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:26,720
Speaker 1: it and on a roll, it felt like the faucet

795
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:27,120
Speaker 1: turned on.

796
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:29,799
Speaker 5: My God, I can't believe I'd more to say and

797
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:31,160
Speaker 5: more to share with the world.

798
00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:35,319
Speaker 1: And then I got pregnant kind of without meaning to,

799
00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:39,080
Speaker 1: and it was very quick and I feel grateful for that.

800
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:41,280
Speaker 1: I know women really struggle with that, so I am grateful.

801
00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:43,000
Speaker 1: But it was also a big surprise, and I wasn't

802
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:45,080
Speaker 1: totally ready. I thought that I was going to be

803
00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:48,800
Speaker 1: writing the rest of my record, and my husband and I.

804
00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:52,239
Speaker 5: Just one time, one baby time. We're like, whoa, I mean,

805
00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:54,040
Speaker 5: we're gonna start trying in like four months. Anyway you

806
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:56,320
Speaker 5: might as well, I mean, what's gonna happen? And Sophia

807
00:36:56,360 --> 00:37:01,160
Speaker 5: was like, h I'm gonna happen. So I got pregnant

808
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:02,839
Speaker 5: without meaning too.

809
00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:05,640
Speaker 1: I found out on New Year's Eve of twenty twenty

810
00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:07,200
Speaker 1: that I was pregnant, and.

811
00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:10,920
Speaker 5: We were like what the blot twist.

812
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:15,360
Speaker 1: And put the record on hold because I got so

813
00:37:15,719 --> 00:37:16,880
Speaker 1: sick with that pregnancy.

814
00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:17,760
Speaker 5: Oh my god.

815
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:21,600
Speaker 1: I had the worst symptoms and I gained seventy pounds.

816
00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:22,480
Speaker 5: It was it all.

817
00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:25,000
Speaker 1: It was like I was just so nauseious all the time,

818
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 1: like eating bagels all day long to try to not

819
00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:30,800
Speaker 1: be nauseous. It wasn't like I wasn't the most like elegant,

820
00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:33,880
Speaker 1: like cute pregnant woman, Like, who are those women?

821
00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:35,080
Speaker 5: Oh?

822
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,759
Speaker 4: Yeah, I see it too, and I'm like, it is

823
00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:43,640
Speaker 4: it is OI admirable, OI, I know, I don't know.

824
00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:49,640
Speaker 5: So I had Sophie. It was a hard pregnancy.

825
00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:52,600
Speaker 1: I was really mourning not being able to continue writing

826
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:56,399
Speaker 1: because the creativity just sapped me, Like the pregnancy took

827
00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:58,800
Speaker 1: all of my creation ability and put it into creating

828
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,360
Speaker 1: a life.

829
00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:06,719
Speaker 4: So yeah, yeah, that was twenty twenty one when you had.

830
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:07,680
Speaker 5: Her, twenty twenty one.

831
00:38:07,719 --> 00:38:09,480
Speaker 4: I had her in September, and now you feel like

832
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 4: you're finally coming out of it.

833
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:11,920
Speaker 5: So Sophie was.

834
00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:16,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was just the most beautiful birth and then

835
00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:20,440
Speaker 1: the most drastic, like I was on top of the world.

836
00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:22,799
Speaker 1: I felt like I could do anything, and I felt

837
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:24,879
Speaker 1: like a warrior, And it was the most incredible thing

838
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:27,120
Speaker 1: to birth your baby in your bedroom. You guys, it's

839
00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:31,080
Speaker 1: the most unbelievable experience as a woman. You're like, I

840
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:35,239
Speaker 1: can do anything. Women are incredible. Yeah. And actually my

841
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:37,399
Speaker 1: new song that I have out now was a little

842
00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,600
Speaker 1: I keep forgetting to mention that, but it was also

843
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:42,080
Speaker 1: like this love letter to women and girls in general.

844
00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:44,400
Speaker 1: But I think it was born from my ability to

845
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:45,400
Speaker 1: be amazed at myself.

846
00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:47,439
Speaker 5: Yeah, what I did, what I could do.

847
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:54,759
Speaker 1: So I had girls, girls, Yeah, we let's see, we

848
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 1: had a lot of support, We had a lot of help.

849
00:38:57,480 --> 00:39:00,080
Speaker 1: But I started not sleeping again, and that's just what

850
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,960
Speaker 1: happens to my body marimonially, Like I just was in shock.

851
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:03,640
Speaker 5: My body was.

852
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:06,920
Speaker 1: It was a seventy two hour berth. It was traumatic

853
00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:11,359
Speaker 1: and intense, but it beautiful and incredible. And I wasn't

854
00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:13,920
Speaker 1: sleeping during that time because I was having contractions the

855
00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:16,200
Speaker 1: whole time, So I would be jarred and woken up

856
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:18,920
Speaker 1: from sleep and like my body was already exhausted having

857
00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:22,680
Speaker 1: run a marathon basically, and then I couldn't come down,

858
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:24,960
Speaker 1: like my body didn't know how to come down. And

859
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:26,879
Speaker 1: when my milk came in, it was a lot of

860
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:30,879
Speaker 1: extra hormones and it was terrifying. And the worst thing

861
00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:33,360
Speaker 1: was that I had almost kind of ignored that it

862
00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:36,080
Speaker 1: could happen again because I thought it was so situational,

863
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:38,160
Speaker 1: like I was like, oh, I just had postpartum because

864
00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:40,239
Speaker 1: I was on a tour bus and playing in front

865
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:42,720
Speaker 1: of thousands of people, and that was a trigger.

866
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:43,839
Speaker 5: That's not going to happen this time.

867
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:45,960
Speaker 4: I'm going to be home or like I already did

868
00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:46,560
Speaker 4: already did that.

869
00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:49,320
Speaker 5: I did that, I healed like I'm good, I have support,

870
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:50,080
Speaker 5: I have a therapist.

871
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:54,799
Speaker 1: So when it came on, it was extremely devastating and

872
00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:58,120
Speaker 1: like it was felt really like a failure. I felt

873
00:39:58,239 --> 00:40:02,640
Speaker 1: really like, wow, I can't believe this is happening again.

874
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:05,440
Speaker 1: And I was so sad, and this time it was

875
00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:08,799
Speaker 1: very extreme. And this is two years ago almost now.

876
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:11,960
Speaker 1: I think there was one time when I didn't sleep

877
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:14,279
Speaker 1: at all for like three and a half days, and

878
00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:15,880
Speaker 1: I probably should.

879
00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:17,600
Speaker 5: Have gone to a mental hospital, be honest, like.

880
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:21,480
Speaker 1: I but again, thank god for Gabby, I should call her.

881
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:25,920
Speaker 1: After I called Gabby again and she was like, oh, baby, okay,

882
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:28,560
Speaker 1: this time, go get some adavan immediately.

883
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:29,960
Speaker 5: That will put you to sleep.

884
00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:32,880
Speaker 1: And I had never taken pharmaceuticals like that ever in

885
00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:36,759
Speaker 1: my life. But I was so desperate that that's where

886
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:40,480
Speaker 1: I think Western medicine is incredible, because when Eastern medicine

887
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:42,880
Speaker 1: the gent the more gentler way, and you are desperate

888
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:44,640
Speaker 1: and you are like your life is on the line,

889
00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:47,239
Speaker 1: Like thank god that there was something that could just

890
00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:49,200
Speaker 1: knock me out and finally get me to sleep like

891
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:54,360
Speaker 1: a horse drinkuiser just like so I got some prescribed

892
00:40:54,400 --> 00:40:59,840
Speaker 1: medication and got on Souloft, thank god for Soloft, and

893
00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:03,640
Speaker 1: started seeing a psychiatrist and really took it seriously along

894
00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:07,440
Speaker 1: with therapy and exercise and meditation and all the other things.

895
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:11,320
Speaker 5: And that tool was a lifesaver. Those tools were a lifesaver.

896
00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:14,279
Speaker 1: I got to sleep, but it was brutal, Like it

897
00:41:14,320 --> 00:41:17,759
Speaker 1: was a brutal battle. It was about six months of

898
00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:21,440
Speaker 1: just this fight for my sanity in my life and

899
00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:23,879
Speaker 1: my you know, my light.

900
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:24,600
Speaker 3: Mm hmm.

901
00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:31,040
Speaker 2: I think these conversations are so important because I think there,

902
00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:34,960
Speaker 2: like you said, there's this certain there's this empowerment of

903
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:39,280
Speaker 2: becoming a mom. I'm assuming of like birthing a child,

904
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:44,560
Speaker 2: raising a child, creating a child, and you think I

905
00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:46,680
Speaker 2: am so strong to be able to do that. I

906
00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 2: don't need to.

907
00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:50,480
Speaker 3: Ask for help with all this other stuff going on,

908
00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:51,439
Speaker 3: and I don't think.

909
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,520
Speaker 4: I just feel like we're also like don't even know

910
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:53,920
Speaker 4: how to?

911
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:57,000
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, that's what I'm saying, like how to Where

912
00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:59,440
Speaker 2: did I even start with like helping myself?

913
00:41:59,800 --> 00:41:59,880
Speaker 4: Right?

914
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:02,920
Speaker 2: And it's I think you were saying, like we're not.

915
00:42:04,239 --> 00:42:06,920
Speaker 2: There still needs to be so many more conversations. But

916
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:09,719
Speaker 2: I feel like for the first time in recent years,

917
00:42:09,719 --> 00:42:11,960
Speaker 2: because for a long time social media was such a highlight,

918
00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:14,680
Speaker 2: no one talked about anything bad. And I feel like,

919
00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:18,319
Speaker 2: finally there's vulnerability and sharing your story and like the

920
00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:21,240
Speaker 2: hard parts. And I think it's giving people insight into

921
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:25,239
Speaker 2: the imperfect world of becoming a mom. It's not just

922
00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:27,800
Speaker 2: this and maybe for some people it is this blissful

923
00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:31,359
Speaker 2: and it's easy and whatever, But majority of people, there's

924
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:34,960
Speaker 2: this challenge that comes after, that comes within the beauty

925
00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:39,680
Speaker 2: of becoming a parent. And I think it's so important

926
00:42:39,719 --> 00:42:42,200
Speaker 2: for people who are like in the thick of it

927
00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:47,080
Speaker 2: to hear someone like you say, I didn't even think

928
00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:49,600
Speaker 2: it could happen to me again, and I had to

929
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:53,880
Speaker 2: seek out all options to just survive.

930
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:56,600
Speaker 4: Yeah, And I think also hearing you talk about it

931
00:42:56,600 --> 00:42:59,719
Speaker 4: is so important because I think some women may not

932
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:01,960
Speaker 4: even and you know, they might not even want to

933
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:03,880
Speaker 4: tell anyone, not even tell their partner, like just be

934
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:05,839
Speaker 4: like I got this, I got this, you know, and

935
00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:09,000
Speaker 4: just stay in this this this this shell of themselves

936
00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:12,480
Speaker 4: and they're only getting worse and it's just like a

937
00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:14,080
Speaker 4: really tough spot to be in.

938
00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:15,759
Speaker 5: Yeah, you're so right.

939
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:19,719
Speaker 1: I think we we're all strong women, you know, of

940
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:22,920
Speaker 1: the three of us and your listeners, I imagine, or

941
00:43:23,360 --> 00:43:27,080
Speaker 1: you know, women who admire women like you and and

942
00:43:27,719 --> 00:43:31,760
Speaker 1: we're also taught to endure so much and shut down

943
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:35,400
Speaker 1: a lot of the like helpless part because of the

944
00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:37,680
Speaker 1: world today and what we're supposed to project and how

945
00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:41,799
Speaker 1: we're supposed to be in the world. And it is

946
00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:44,400
Speaker 1: confusing to ask for help when that happens, because you

947
00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:47,720
Speaker 1: feel like such a failure and you don't understand where

948
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:49,680
Speaker 1: to look either, and especially if you were in this

949
00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:53,000
Speaker 1: kind of mindset of like lulled into this mindset of

950
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:54,320
Speaker 1: like I can heal my I should be able to

951
00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:56,640
Speaker 1: heal myself naturally, and that's morally superior, which is a

952
00:43:56,680 --> 00:43:59,920
Speaker 1: beautiful place to be because, believe me, like it's in

953
00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,040
Speaker 1: credible to be able to meditate and calm your system

954
00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:04,120
Speaker 1: down and get rid of a headache or like get

955
00:44:04,200 --> 00:44:07,120
Speaker 1: rid of anxiety through a meditation. But when it comes

956
00:44:07,120 --> 00:44:11,279
Speaker 1: to something that's very severe, like I was, so it

957
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:13,280
Speaker 1: was such a hard decision for me to start medication.

958
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:16,399
Speaker 1: I was devastated about it and so confused and didn't

959
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:18,239
Speaker 1: want to harm my baby because I was still breastfeeding,

960
00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:22,719
Speaker 1: and it saved my life. So like I now look

961
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:24,880
Speaker 1: back on that and wish that I could reach out

962
00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:27,640
Speaker 1: to younger Rachel too and be like, baby, this isn't forever,

963
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:29,440
Speaker 1: this is a season. You're gonna be able to come

964
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:31,879
Speaker 1: off of this and get the help that you need

965
00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 1: to get the scaffoldings so that you can work on

966
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:36,440
Speaker 1: the building. Like you can't even work on the building

967
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:38,960
Speaker 1: without the building blocks that allow you to do the work.

968
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:40,640
Speaker 1: Because the work that I was doing my therapist wasn't

969
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:42,680
Speaker 1: even landing because my hormones were over the place and

970
00:44:42,719 --> 00:44:45,240
Speaker 1: I wasn't sleeping and I was terrified of everything.

971
00:45:00,920 --> 00:45:03,000
Speaker 4: Thank god you reach out to Gabby and she was

972
00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:05,600
Speaker 4: able to put you on the right path. I think also,

973
00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:08,520
Speaker 4: sometimes people will try something and it doesn't work out,

974
00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:10,600
Speaker 4: and then they just feel like hopeless. So they're like, already,

975
00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:12,640
Speaker 4: I try to do something, but it's like you have

976
00:45:12,719 --> 00:45:14,720
Speaker 4: to keep going and you have to keep trying different

977
00:45:14,719 --> 00:45:17,120
Speaker 4: things and reaching out to people and asking more questions,

978
00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:20,400
Speaker 4: and like, because there is a solution. You just have

979
00:45:20,480 --> 00:45:22,640
Speaker 4: to really you have to be your own biggest advocate.

980
00:45:23,200 --> 00:45:25,440
Speaker 5: That you are so right, Tanya, you really do.

981
00:45:25,920 --> 00:45:28,839
Speaker 1: You have to have this inner belief that I used

982
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:31,400
Speaker 1: to talk about on stage and still do that is louder.

983
00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:33,960
Speaker 1: It's like sorry, It's quieter than the voices in your

984
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:35,920
Speaker 1: head that are telling you that you can't beat something

985
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:38,160
Speaker 1: or diagnosis, or that you're not good enough. It's this

986
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:40,920
Speaker 1: little whisper in your heart like no, no, no, you

987
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:43,640
Speaker 1: will come out of this. You've got this, and you

988
00:45:43,719 --> 00:45:45,360
Speaker 1: have to get quiet to listen to it. And I

989
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:47,800
Speaker 1: knew that it was there. I knew that the music

990
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:51,520
Speaker 1: I'd been writing in between my baby like birthing my babies,

991
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:53,880
Speaker 1: was so powerful. I knew that God had more for

992
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:55,799
Speaker 1: me and that I was going to come out of this.

993
00:45:55,920 --> 00:45:57,200
Speaker 1: I just didn't see the road up.

994
00:45:57,640 --> 00:45:59,160
Speaker 5: I was ready to do the work. I just didn't

995
00:45:59,200 --> 00:46:00,520
Speaker 5: know where to start, yeaheah.

996
00:46:01,440 --> 00:46:03,799
Speaker 1: But I did come out of it, and I do

997
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:06,880
Speaker 1: want people listening to know, like, my God, is there

998
00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:09,640
Speaker 1: the most beautiful light at the end of any dark tunnel.

999
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:15,040
Speaker 1: It's painful and hard to find, but when the first

1000
00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:17,520
Speaker 1: little glimmer starts again, it's almost scared.

1001
00:46:17,800 --> 00:46:18,920
Speaker 5: You're scared to trust it.

1002
00:46:19,360 --> 00:46:22,120
Speaker 1: And as you start moving towards it with bravery and

1003
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:25,960
Speaker 1: continuing the work and continuing all the scaffolding you've put up, Like,

1004
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:29,640
Speaker 1: the light shines so much brighter on the other side.

1005
00:46:29,520 --> 00:46:32,000
Speaker 4: And so what does that light like, what does that

1006
00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:33,520
Speaker 4: future look like for you?

1007
00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:38,000
Speaker 1: I think I'm happier than I've ever been in my

1008
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:41,160
Speaker 1: life right now. I can honestly say like I've integrated

1009
00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:43,879
Speaker 1: the dark that I used to be scared of looking

1010
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:47,359
Speaker 1: at and the light. And I would always not stay

1011
00:46:47,360 --> 00:46:49,280
Speaker 1: on the surface. I mean I was writing very deep

1012
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:52,239
Speaker 1: songs that were very healing, but like when it came

1013
00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:54,759
Speaker 1: to my own demons, I would kind of stay away

1014
00:46:54,760 --> 00:46:57,320
Speaker 1: from them and be a little what's the word, a

1015
00:46:57,360 --> 00:46:59,279
Speaker 1: little bit of spiritual bypass and be like, well, I'm

1016
00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:03,160
Speaker 1: just gonna positively. But you know what, that doesn't work.

1017
00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:05,640
Speaker 1: That doesn't work. I mean, it's Mental Health Awareness month

1018
00:47:05,719 --> 00:47:08,279
Speaker 1: right now, still has. We're recording this, and like, when

1019
00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:11,360
Speaker 1: you are really facing demons, you can't just look away.

1020
00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:12,479
Speaker 5: That's there.

1021
00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:14,440
Speaker 1: They are going to demand that you look at them,

1022
00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:16,080
Speaker 1: and they're going to ruin your life until you do.

1023
00:47:16,719 --> 00:47:20,520
Speaker 1: So I really was able to do this incredible like

1024
00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:23,200
Speaker 1: work looking at stuff all the way from my childhood

1025
00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:26,759
Speaker 1: till now and embracing it with the mother's love and

1026
00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:30,600
Speaker 1: saying all of you is okay, Rachie, all of the selves,

1027
00:47:31,239 --> 00:47:34,120
Speaker 1: and it has been so incredibly healing, so I feel

1028
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:36,840
Speaker 1: like I've integrated it and now I feel very whole

1029
00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:40,440
Speaker 1: and coming back out with new music. Now, this record

1030
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:43,480
Speaker 1: that I've just created, it tells the story of everything

1031
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:46,200
Speaker 1: I've gone through, and it's almost like the hero's journey

1032
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:49,759
Speaker 1: from dark to light and the surrender and the fall

1033
00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:51,640
Speaker 1: on your knees and the cry for mercy and then

1034
00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:54,840
Speaker 1: the trust again and then the reef discovering yourself and

1035
00:47:54,880 --> 00:47:59,080
Speaker 1: the ultimately deciding like I don't care what anyone thinks anymore.

1036
00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:01,799
Speaker 1: Called set Me Free on the record, and it's like,

1037
00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:04,320
Speaker 1: you know, I don't care what you think about me anymore.

1038
00:48:04,360 --> 00:48:06,080
Speaker 1: You know, I tried to make everybody happy and I

1039
00:48:06,080 --> 00:48:08,200
Speaker 1: almost lost my mind. So I'm going to set myself free.

1040
00:48:08,239 --> 00:48:12,200
Speaker 1: And I think as women sometimes it's a scary thing

1041
00:48:12,239 --> 00:48:14,319
Speaker 1: to do from this place of people pleasing them. We're

1042
00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:17,560
Speaker 1: taught to do as nice girls. But oof, it is

1043
00:48:17,600 --> 00:48:21,440
Speaker 1: it freeing when you finally put that mantled down and say,

1044
00:48:22,280 --> 00:48:25,360
Speaker 1: what is this gonna stop? I'm forty like or I'm fifty,

1045
00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:27,600
Speaker 1: or I'm thirty er like you know whatever, it is

1046
00:48:27,760 --> 00:48:29,880
Speaker 1: enough living for other people and what they want me

1047
00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:33,360
Speaker 1: to be. I need to declare that I am my

1048
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:36,359
Speaker 1: own advocate. I am my own best friend. I matter,

1049
00:48:36,600 --> 00:48:39,520
Speaker 1: I count with little enter Tanya and in Rebecca and

1050
00:48:39,520 --> 00:48:41,200
Speaker 1: inner Rachel needs. I'm going to take care of her

1051
00:48:41,239 --> 00:48:43,280
Speaker 1: ff anyone, even before my own babies.

1052
00:48:43,480 --> 00:48:43,759
Speaker 7: M h.

1053
00:48:44,400 --> 00:48:46,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, so that you can take care of that, so

1054
00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:49,400
Speaker 2: you can take the best you can be for them, right.

1055
00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:51,279
Speaker 1: It's like put your own oxygen mask on first. I

1056
00:48:51,320 --> 00:48:53,880
Speaker 1: never understood that as much as I understand it now.

1057
00:48:53,960 --> 00:48:56,960
Speaker 1: Like if I'm not okay, no one's okay. So yeah,

1058
00:48:57,040 --> 00:48:59,040
Speaker 1: as I get back out there with this music and

1059
00:48:59,080 --> 00:49:02,080
Speaker 1: this record, I really feel like I have so much

1060
00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:04,880
Speaker 1: to share with the world now. And if I'm granted

1061
00:49:04,880 --> 00:49:07,640
Speaker 1: the ability to have the platform I had last time

1062
00:49:07,719 --> 00:49:11,560
Speaker 1: and the you know, microphone in the way that I did,

1063
00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:14,600
Speaker 1: or even just a fraction of it, I cannot wait

1064
00:49:14,640 --> 00:49:16,759
Speaker 1: to use it for good and to use it to

1065
00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:20,240
Speaker 1: not only encourage people to fight and like go after things,

1066
00:49:20,560 --> 00:49:23,960
Speaker 1: but to also heal and like nurture the broken part

1067
00:49:23,960 --> 00:49:25,399
Speaker 1: of you and allow all of it.

1068
00:49:25,480 --> 00:49:28,799
Speaker 4: Because it's so important. Yeah, it's so important, especially in

1069
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,439
Speaker 4: this society where I feel like it's just constantly go, go, go,

1070
00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:33,160
Speaker 4: go go. And like what you were saying is like

1071
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:34,920
Speaker 4: you felt you needed to go on tour because you

1072
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,440
Speaker 4: had this momentum, and like I think every woman feels

1073
00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:39,480
Speaker 4: that time, you know, like we feel that.

1074
00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:42,440
Speaker 5: Yes, do you guys feel like that in your lives,

1075
00:49:42,480 --> 00:49:43,480
Speaker 5: like that you just need.

1076
00:49:43,320 --> 00:49:47,520
Speaker 2: To I mean I've been a people pleaser my whole

1077
00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:50,399
Speaker 2: entire life, and I think just recently, I would say

1078
00:49:50,400 --> 00:49:53,279
Speaker 2: the last few years, I kind of and and I

1079
00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:55,640
Speaker 2: don't know if that comes with age and just like

1080
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:58,600
Speaker 2: knowing yourself better, you know. I wish I could say

1081
00:49:58,640 --> 00:50:00,319
Speaker 2: in my twenties that I was like I'm not I'm

1082
00:50:00,320 --> 00:50:02,279
Speaker 2: not going to be a people pleaser anymore, But that

1083
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:03,120
Speaker 2: wasn't my story.

1084
00:50:03,480 --> 00:50:06,480
Speaker 4: Yeah, I feel like I constantly feel like I have

1085
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:08,799
Speaker 4: to have another goal or another accomplishment. I have to

1086
00:50:08,800 --> 00:50:11,400
Speaker 4: be constantly kind of like in competition with myself.

1087
00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:12,239
Speaker 7: Yeah.

1088
00:50:12,400 --> 00:50:13,120
Speaker 4: It's exhausting.

1089
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:13,960
Speaker 5: It's exhausting.

1090
00:50:14,120 --> 00:50:14,839
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1091
00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:17,400
Speaker 5: And the people pleasing thing that you're bringing up, I

1092
00:50:17,400 --> 00:50:18,640
Speaker 5: wonder how many of us feel like that.

1093
00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:21,120
Speaker 1: Actually, be so curious to hear from your audience, Like,

1094
00:50:21,440 --> 00:50:23,760
Speaker 1: I wonder how common it is. Yeah, we all feel

1095
00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:28,520
Speaker 1: this we're all feeling this. Why can't we just stop? Like,

1096
00:50:28,640 --> 00:50:31,239
Speaker 1: can't we just But but I don't know what it is.

1097
00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:34,279
Speaker 1: I'm I'm I wonder what it is. Why were we

1098
00:50:34,360 --> 00:50:37,120
Speaker 1: taught in like the nineties to be good girls?

1099
00:50:37,239 --> 00:50:37,399
Speaker 2: Yeah?

1100
00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:39,760
Speaker 3: We were literally were we were.

1101
00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:45,359
Speaker 1: Ready good and quiet, nice metal and kind to each

1102
00:50:45,360 --> 00:50:48,160
Speaker 1: other and like and right were you know you guys

1103
00:50:48,200 --> 00:50:50,680
Speaker 1: are here too, Do you feel the same way? Yeah,

1104
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:53,000
Speaker 1: I'm wondering about younger generations if they feel the same

1105
00:50:53,040 --> 00:50:53,440
Speaker 1: way we did.

1106
00:50:53,560 --> 00:50:53,960
Speaker 5: I don't know.

1107
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:57,200
Speaker 1: And like I I just don't want my daughters to

1108
00:50:57,200 --> 00:50:58,040
Speaker 1: grow up that way.

1109
00:50:58,440 --> 00:51:01,400
Speaker 5: Just want them to know that they matter too, that

1110
00:51:01,480 --> 00:51:03,040
Speaker 5: their voice and opinion matters too.

1111
00:51:03,120 --> 00:51:06,440
Speaker 1: And I would silence myself so much because I wanted

1112
00:51:06,440 --> 00:51:09,759
Speaker 1: other people to be happy first, and it is and

1113
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:12,360
Speaker 1: it led to trauma, you know, Like it wasn't that

1114
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:15,040
Speaker 1: the postpartum came out of nowhere. That's what I've understood too.

1115
00:51:15,120 --> 00:51:18,160
Speaker 1: There were seeds in me. There were like there was

1116
00:51:18,360 --> 00:51:20,840
Speaker 1: things I hadn't dressed in my life. There was painful

1117
00:51:20,840 --> 00:51:23,160
Speaker 1: things that happened that I never really looked at, and

1118
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:26,360
Speaker 1: so there were seeds of this, oh like this stuff

1119
00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:28,760
Speaker 1: that wanted to raise its hand and get my attention

1120
00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:30,320
Speaker 1: that I wasn't giving a voice.

1121
00:51:31,320 --> 00:51:34,319
Speaker 2: I think that we are. I think there's there is

1122
00:51:34,480 --> 00:51:37,279
Speaker 2: room to be kind and have your own power. And

1123
00:51:37,320 --> 00:51:39,920
Speaker 2: I think that we were always taught that, like just

1124
00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:42,880
Speaker 2: be kind, be quiet, don't be powerful, you know. I

1125
00:51:42,880 --> 00:51:45,439
Speaker 2: think that's kind of the what we were taught to do.

1126
00:51:45,600 --> 00:51:49,040
Speaker 2: So I think it's the more conversations we can have

1127
00:51:49,760 --> 00:51:50,840
Speaker 2: like this where.

1128
00:51:51,719 --> 00:51:54,600
Speaker 3: You have your power back, but you got it because.

1129
00:51:55,040 --> 00:51:57,759
Speaker 2: You went after it, you know you, and so you

1130
00:51:57,840 --> 00:51:59,479
Speaker 2: hit rock bottom. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

1131
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:01,479
Speaker 4: Yeah, and be fine now.

1132
00:52:01,840 --> 00:52:04,480
Speaker 5: Yeah there was nowhere to go. Yeah, there was no

1133
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:05,120
Speaker 5: lower to go.

1134
00:52:05,320 --> 00:52:05,920
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1135
00:52:06,000 --> 00:52:07,799
Speaker 1: I wrote a song. That song going to be on

1136
00:52:07,800 --> 00:52:09,600
Speaker 1: the next record. It's called Mercy, and I wrote it

1137
00:52:09,600 --> 00:52:11,560
Speaker 1: in the middle of the night, and it was a

1138
00:52:11,600 --> 00:52:15,400
Speaker 1: cry to God, like what more do you want from me?

1139
00:52:15,760 --> 00:52:19,120
Speaker 1: I cannot imagine any falling, any lower. And it is

1140
00:52:19,160 --> 00:52:22,399
Speaker 1: actually the celebratory almost like Janice Droplinesk like Whale. It's

1141
00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:27,840
Speaker 1: it's so badass and and but the pain that I

1142
00:52:27,920 --> 00:52:30,200
Speaker 1: hear now and the lyrics it was like, you know,

1143
00:52:30,280 --> 00:52:32,520
Speaker 1: I thought I hit bottom, but I'm keep falling. I

1144
00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:35,680
Speaker 1: keep falling, and like I don't understand this. So yeah,

1145
00:52:35,840 --> 00:52:38,280
Speaker 1: I did hit bottom. And you know what actually changed

1146
00:52:38,320 --> 00:52:41,560
Speaker 1: my life to I forgot about this was a conversation.

1147
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:42,160
Speaker 5: With my aunt Cheryl.

1148
00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:46,719
Speaker 1: She had just lost her husband, my uncle, my dad's brother,

1149
00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:50,319
Speaker 1: and at the same time she was grieving. I was

1150
00:52:50,360 --> 00:52:54,359
Speaker 1: going through the second postpartum depression with my daughter and

1151
00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:57,319
Speaker 1: I called her, and I was also dissociating a lot

1152
00:52:57,320 --> 00:52:58,480
Speaker 1: at the time. I don't know if you guys know

1153
00:52:58,480 --> 00:53:00,879
Speaker 1: what that is, but it's oh God, I don't wish

1154
00:53:00,880 --> 00:53:04,200
Speaker 1: it on my worst enemy. It's so so scary and hard.

1155
00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:08,560
Speaker 1: And I called her one time and she found out

1156
00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:10,560
Speaker 1: what I was going through, and I knew she was grieving,

1157
00:53:10,560 --> 00:53:13,600
Speaker 1: and she said to me, Rachel, she was tough with me.

1158
00:53:14,000 --> 00:53:14,719
Speaker 5: Everyone else had.

1159
00:53:14,600 --> 00:53:18,319
Speaker 1: Been kind of like a little caudul gloves and she

1160
00:53:18,360 --> 00:53:20,480
Speaker 1: was like, Rachel, you have to save your own life.

1161
00:53:20,600 --> 00:53:22,759
Speaker 1: You have to be your own hero. No one is

1162
00:53:22,800 --> 00:53:25,239
Speaker 1: gonna come he'll help you. That's what I've learned from

1163
00:53:25,280 --> 00:53:27,279
Speaker 1: losing my husband, Like there's no one at the end

1164
00:53:27,280 --> 00:53:29,080
Speaker 1: of the day. You come into this life like alone,

1165
00:53:29,080 --> 00:53:32,080
Speaker 1: you're gonna leave alone, and you have to be your

1166
00:53:32,080 --> 00:53:35,399
Speaker 1: own hero. So do one brave thing every day, whether

1167
00:53:35,440 --> 00:53:37,960
Speaker 1: it's going outside to smell flowers and putting on jeans,

1168
00:53:37,960 --> 00:53:39,600
Speaker 1: like I don't care what it is. You have to

1169
00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:42,000
Speaker 1: start to claim and take your life back. And I

1170
00:53:42,040 --> 00:53:45,719
Speaker 1: was like, that's from my song, but.

1171
00:53:47,200 --> 00:53:47,600
Speaker 5: It was.

1172
00:53:47,960 --> 00:53:49,759
Speaker 1: It was powerful, and I knew that I had to

1173
00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:53,799
Speaker 1: be accountable and writing and like writing the rest of them,

1174
00:53:53,920 --> 00:53:56,560
Speaker 1: used the album was the most healing thing.

1175
00:53:56,800 --> 00:53:59,680
Speaker 5: It was so incredible because I got to process.

1176
00:53:59,880 --> 00:54:02,360
Speaker 1: I feel so grateful that I'm a songwriter, because I

1177
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:06,160
Speaker 1: got this beautiful opportunity to heal as I was writing,

1178
00:54:06,280 --> 00:54:09,280
Speaker 1: and I experience everything over again, but with perspective.

1179
00:54:09,680 --> 00:54:12,399
Speaker 2: Were there are there songs from the album that you

1180
00:54:12,520 --> 00:54:15,799
Speaker 2: wrote before you got pregnant with Sophie that you were saying, oh, okay, yeah,

1181
00:54:15,840 --> 00:54:18,200
Speaker 2: so those have got to have those are having the

1182
00:54:18,239 --> 00:54:20,000
Speaker 2: moment there, Yeah.

1183
00:54:20,080 --> 00:54:21,120
Speaker 5: Those will have their flowers.

1184
00:54:21,160 --> 00:54:23,680
Speaker 1: There's one called bad Thoughts that I wrote about panic

1185
00:54:23,680 --> 00:54:26,000
Speaker 1: attacks and like refusing to let it take over you

1186
00:54:26,080 --> 00:54:29,080
Speaker 1: and and I didn't even know how much I wouldn't

1187
00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:32,680
Speaker 1: need those words until I had the second, you know,

1188
00:54:33,760 --> 00:54:36,719
Speaker 1: battle with my demons with the Sophie's But I wrote

1189
00:54:36,760 --> 00:54:39,480
Speaker 1: a lot of things like almost prophetically to myself, like

1190
00:54:39,600 --> 00:54:42,240
Speaker 1: music became for me, not what I thought the world

1191
00:54:42,280 --> 00:54:44,400
Speaker 1: wanted from me anymore, because God, I did not have

1192
00:54:44,440 --> 00:54:45,719
Speaker 1: the luxury of worrying about that.

1193
00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:49,240
Speaker 5: I was having my own little battle. So it became

1194
00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:49,880
Speaker 5: what I needed.

1195
00:54:50,480 --> 00:54:52,799
Speaker 1: And I think it's the best thing I've ever done

1196
00:54:52,880 --> 00:54:55,279
Speaker 1: because it was similar to the way I wrote fight Song.

1197
00:54:55,320 --> 00:54:57,319
Speaker 5: It was what do I need for myself right now?

1198
00:54:57,320 --> 00:54:58,319
Speaker 5: How can music serve me?

1199
00:55:00,760 --> 00:55:03,040
Speaker 3: I love you. I'm so happy the podcast.

1200
00:55:04,120 --> 00:55:06,360
Speaker 4: I really really appreciate you being here and taking the

1201
00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:09,680
Speaker 4: time and like being brave to talk so openly about it.

1202
00:55:09,760 --> 00:55:10,920
Speaker 5: Yeah, thank you so much.

1203
00:55:11,239 --> 00:55:15,359
Speaker 2: I think it's gonna help so many people that are

1204
00:55:15,360 --> 00:55:18,440
Speaker 2: in the thick of it, you know, and I am

1205
00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:21,160
Speaker 2: so grateful. Where can people fall? I know you're you

1206
00:55:21,239 --> 00:55:22,239
Speaker 2: just mentioned TikTok.

1207
00:55:22,520 --> 00:55:24,839
Speaker 3: Yeah, joy I am.

1208
00:55:25,520 --> 00:55:32,439
Speaker 5: I have joined. I've joined with a fervor to my bones. Yeah.

1209
00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:36,719
Speaker 1: I'm like posting pretty frequently, frequently because it's fun.

1210
00:55:36,760 --> 00:55:38,600
Speaker 5: I thought it was really intimidating, but it's actually kind

1211
00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:38,959
Speaker 5: of fun.

1212
00:55:39,040 --> 00:55:41,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, once you like it.

1213
00:55:41,400 --> 00:55:43,920
Speaker 5: Yeah, like whatever, no one sees this, no one sees this,

1214
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:46,800
Speaker 5: then it doesn't matter. Yeah.

1215
00:55:46,840 --> 00:55:50,120
Speaker 1: I'm on their regularly Rachel Blatten and then on Instagram

1216
00:55:50,160 --> 00:55:52,399
Speaker 1: a lot, and then also on Facebook because I've got

1217
00:55:52,600 --> 00:55:55,880
Speaker 1: the older mamas you know, speaking to too. And this

1218
00:55:56,040 --> 00:55:58,720
Speaker 1: latest song that I have out is a love.

1219
00:55:58,600 --> 00:56:00,560
Speaker 5: Letter to all women and girls.

1220
00:56:01,040 --> 00:56:04,000
Speaker 1: And after everything that we were talking about, like the

1221
00:56:04,040 --> 00:56:06,600
Speaker 1: people pleasing that I hadn't even really thought deeply about,

1222
00:56:07,000 --> 00:56:10,040
Speaker 1: I am so glad to be able to put just

1223
00:56:10,360 --> 00:56:13,840
Speaker 1: three minutes of art into the world of an affirmation

1224
00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:17,279
Speaker 1: to girls and women that you're enough as you are.

1225
00:56:17,640 --> 00:56:18,359
Speaker 3: I love the song.

1226
00:56:18,400 --> 00:56:22,040
Speaker 2: It's so sweet, it's so powerful, and we were saying

1227
00:56:22,080 --> 00:56:24,479
Speaker 2: like it it feels like it's also a love letter

1228
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:26,080
Speaker 2: to your girls, like.

1229
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:30,160
Speaker 4: Your daughterniversal.

1230
00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:33,400
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's it's like to all women and to myself.

1231
00:56:33,480 --> 00:56:35,960
Speaker 5: Do you guys want me to sing it to you? Yeah, okay,

1232
00:56:36,120 --> 00:56:37,000
Speaker 5: I'll sing you the verse.

1233
00:56:37,920 --> 00:56:41,080
Speaker 7: Hope you always know your worth, though I know that

1234
00:56:41,200 --> 00:56:44,680
Speaker 7: life can hurt. Hope you know that you can turn

1235
00:56:45,320 --> 00:56:49,400
Speaker 7: to each other. Hope you learn to trust your voice,

1236
00:56:50,080 --> 00:56:52,320
Speaker 7: make mistakes and make some noise.

1237
00:56:53,040 --> 00:56:54,000
Speaker 5: Hope you never.

1238
00:56:53,960 --> 00:57:00,440
Speaker 7: Lose your joy or you're hunger. Girls, you were warm

1239
00:57:00,640 --> 00:57:09,160
Speaker 7: to run, to reach the storms and chase the sun. Girls,

1240
00:57:09,239 --> 00:57:11,239
Speaker 7: you're wild and free.

1241
00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:16,800
Speaker 5: The wind is that back the world? Is that your feet.

1242
00:57:21,200 --> 00:57:23,960
Speaker 4: Perform?

1243
00:57:23,280 --> 00:57:27,800
Speaker 1: I I just want the women listening to get to

1244
00:57:27,880 --> 00:57:29,560
Speaker 1: feel to feel it. If they don't get to go

1245
00:57:29,600 --> 00:57:30,240
Speaker 1: listen to the whole song.

1246
00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:36,640
Speaker 5: I want you to just special. It's the tone of

1247
00:57:36,720 --> 00:57:38,400
Speaker 5: voice I used to sing to my babies at night.

1248
00:57:39,800 --> 00:57:39,960
Speaker 7: Yeah.

1249
00:57:40,000 --> 00:57:43,920
Speaker 3: I felt so calm, right, so safe.

1250
00:57:44,200 --> 00:57:48,240
Speaker 4: Yeah, please come whenever you are around, please come back.

1251
00:57:48,280 --> 00:57:48,800
Speaker 3: I would love you.

1252
00:57:48,880 --> 00:57:50,000
Speaker 5: I love you guys so much.

1253
00:57:50,080 --> 00:57:53,200
Speaker 1: I feel connection And thank you so much for allowing

1254
00:57:53,200 --> 00:57:56,600
Speaker 1: me the space and like safety to talk about stuff

1255
00:57:56,600 --> 00:57:57,360
Speaker 1: that is hard.

1256
00:57:57,640 --> 00:58:00,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you for being on the podcast. We love

1257
00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:03,360
Speaker 2: you and we're fans and championing you. And I know

1258
00:58:03,440 --> 00:58:05,400
Speaker 2: everyone listening to this is going to feel the same way.

1259
00:58:05,520 --> 00:58:08,520
Speaker 3: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you, guys,