1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:22,200 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,920 Speaker 2: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 7 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,240 Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here. 8 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:37,160 Speaker 2: Back for another episode as we, of course break down 9 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:41,879 Speaker 2: the psychology of our twenties. Today, we are going to 10 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 2: talk about romantic relationships in our twenties, specifically the question 11 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,760 Speaker 2: of why do we settle during this decade? Why do 12 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:54,280 Speaker 2: we date people we know we shouldn't be with, Why 13 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:57,680 Speaker 2: do we accept less than we deserve? Why do we 14 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 2: give people second chain answers, third chances and cling on 15 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:08,720 Speaker 2: for too long despite objectively being in one of the 16 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 2: best times in our lives, of our lives, to be 17 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 2: single and to be uncoupled and to be seeing kind 18 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,839 Speaker 2: of you know, what's out there time and time again. 19 00:01:18,959 --> 00:01:21,080 Speaker 2: I feel like I see people and I hear from 20 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:25,560 Speaker 2: people in these mediocre relationships with you know, individuals they 21 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,039 Speaker 2: don't even seem to like, and yet they are unable 22 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 2: to leave all because there is this deep fear that 23 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:36,920 Speaker 2: we have of being single forever, or of dying alone, 24 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,880 Speaker 2: of being alone day to day, And it's honestly a 25 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,920 Speaker 2: bit of a tragedy. But when we have more life 26 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:48,880 Speaker 2: ahead of us than behind us, it seems almost strange 27 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,160 Speaker 2: that we continue to have this fear and that it 28 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:55,080 Speaker 2: is so powerful and impacting our decision making so deeply. 29 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,400 Speaker 2: So I want to discuss it from a psychological standpoint, 30 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,280 Speaker 2: the precures we face, the conflicts we have within us, 31 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,960 Speaker 2: and why we settle in our twenties. I would also 32 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:07,640 Speaker 2: kind of hope that this episode might just inspire you 33 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,840 Speaker 2: to re examine your relationship at this pivotal point in 34 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:15,880 Speaker 2: your life. If someone isn't making your life better every day, 35 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:19,440 Speaker 2: isn't making you a better person every day, why stay 36 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,959 Speaker 2: with them when arguably being single in your twenties is 37 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,359 Speaker 2: a whole lot better for your character development. I want 38 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:31,560 Speaker 2: us all to you all together kind of question why 39 00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:36,239 Speaker 2: we have been asked to expect so much less from 40 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:40,560 Speaker 2: love than we should, and why, especially in our twenties, 41 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:44,400 Speaker 2: we've been asked to make compromises. There are so many 42 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:48,200 Speaker 2: factors behind this, I know, like relationship anxiety plays a 43 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:49,840 Speaker 2: big role. But I do believe that there are a 44 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,080 Speaker 2: lot of people who are secretly very unhappy, and it 45 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,240 Speaker 2: stems from the inability to see our worth and what 46 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,600 Speaker 2: we deserve in our twenties. So hopefully this isn't too 47 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,200 Speaker 2: much of a wake up call for any It's more 48 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,600 Speaker 2: so informative and something to think about. But without further ado, 49 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:12,560 Speaker 2: let's talk about why we settle in our twenties. There 50 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:17,800 Speaker 2: is obviously not one way to live our lives during 51 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:21,400 Speaker 2: this decade, or one way to pursue love during this decade. 52 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,240 Speaker 2: I think I just need to acknowledge people have different values, 53 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,920 Speaker 2: and different dreams and different needs in their life. You know, 54 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,400 Speaker 2: some people want to get married young, some people, you know, 55 00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:34,520 Speaker 2: find the one when they're younger. Some people are just 56 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,840 Speaker 2: happy to be single or just happen to find themselves single. 57 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 2: But I will make one thing super clear. A guiding 58 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:45,880 Speaker 2: part of my life philosophy, specifically the philosophy I have 59 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:51,000 Speaker 2: for my twenties, is it is not wrong to want big, grand, 60 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:55,120 Speaker 2: wonderful things for yourself, and during these years of your life, 61 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:58,720 Speaker 2: you owe it to yourself to chase after those things 62 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,920 Speaker 2: in every way that you can can. That may apply 63 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,000 Speaker 2: to your passions, to your career, to your friendships, your 64 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 2: big dreams, your dreams to travel to see the world, 65 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:13,360 Speaker 2: and it also majorly applies to love. This is such 66 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:17,040 Speaker 2: a sacred time in your life, and so settling now 67 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:19,320 Speaker 2: when you have the whole world in front of you 68 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 2: is honestly, it's a disservice to yourself, and I kind 69 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:27,600 Speaker 2: of want to explain why. Firstly, though, we can't really 70 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,640 Speaker 2: get into that without examining you know, what does it 71 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:34,680 Speaker 2: mean to settle in a relationship? What does it look like? 72 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,840 Speaker 2: To give you a simple definition, I think it means 73 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:42,200 Speaker 2: being in a relationship just for the sake of being 74 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:46,680 Speaker 2: in a relationship when your needs, your values, desires, deeper 75 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:50,920 Speaker 2: vision for love is not being met. Now, this can 76 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:55,239 Speaker 2: be obvious, like when someone doesn't treat you right, is cruel, 77 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,960 Speaker 2: is mean, is uninterested. But it can also be more subtle. 78 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,520 Speaker 2: It can be someone who does all the things that 79 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:06,240 Speaker 2: you'd expect or hoped they would, but who deep down 80 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:11,200 Speaker 2: you know, doesn't fulfill you, who doesn't improve you, who 81 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:15,279 Speaker 2: doesn't excite you. But you stay because it's good enough, 82 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:21,400 Speaker 2: because they're nice, because they're fine, maybe because you don't 83 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 2: think that you deserve more or you will ever find more. 84 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 2: The question or the thing I always say to that 85 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 2: is like, you may never find better, but is this 86 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,479 Speaker 2: even that good anyways? You know, of course, every relationship 87 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,559 Speaker 2: has its doubts. We need to talk about that more. 88 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,839 Speaker 2: Every relationship is gonna have stress, it's gonna have problems 89 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:42,000 Speaker 2: that people need to work through. You will not find 90 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:45,720 Speaker 2: a single relationship where people haven't had issues or miscommunications. 91 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:50,480 Speaker 2: But settling isn't about not having arguments. It's about your 92 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:57,240 Speaker 2: deeper core value needs, emotional needs, personality and compatibility needs. 93 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:01,640 Speaker 2: It's actually quite complex for a word that means choosing 94 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,880 Speaker 2: less then, but here are some kind of therapists backed 95 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:10,840 Speaker 2: signs that this may be happening in your relationship. Number one, 96 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:16,559 Speaker 2: you constantly question whether this is all there is, whether 97 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,320 Speaker 2: this is like the love thing that everyone's been kind 98 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:23,880 Speaker 2: of going on about. Number two, you are constantly trying 99 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,200 Speaker 2: to fix things about them or about the relationship, and 100 00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 2: it never truly works. Number three, they're holding you back 101 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:35,800 Speaker 2: from things you really want. Number four, you find that 102 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:39,160 Speaker 2: one of the biggest reasons you can't leave is actually 103 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:42,640 Speaker 2: just because you're scared of being single, not because you 104 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:46,839 Speaker 2: actually want to be in the relationship. Number five, your 105 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:50,560 Speaker 2: gut instinct keeps telling you something is wrong and has 106 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,120 Speaker 2: for some time, but you ignore it. The sick sign 107 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:56,040 Speaker 2: that you are settling is you find yourself relying on 108 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,800 Speaker 2: others to fulfill your emotional needs and not this person. 109 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 2: And number seven, you feel indifferent. And this is a 110 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,960 Speaker 2: huge one. I had a friend of mine say to 111 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,920 Speaker 2: me the other day at dinner. You know, the opposite 112 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 2: of love is not hate, its indifference. I think I've 113 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,240 Speaker 2: quoted that on the podcast before, because it couldn't be 114 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:18,480 Speaker 2: more true. If you just don't even care anymore, if 115 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 2: you sit there and wish that they'd break up with you, 116 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 2: you are settling. Sometimes, you know, you don't find that 117 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 2: you hate them, you just simply don't care. And that's 118 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:32,320 Speaker 2: a huge sign to me that the love and the 119 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:36,320 Speaker 2: life is gone. The irony is is that we can 120 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:40,520 Speaker 2: mentally tick off everything on this list, and you can say, yeah, 121 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:42,600 Speaker 2: that's me, that's me, that's me, and yet again find 122 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:46,880 Speaker 2: excuses for why that's maybe not you, well, why you 123 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:50,640 Speaker 2: will stay. What's really happening here is a form of 124 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:54,440 Speaker 2: cognitive dissonance. When we know we deserve better, but we 125 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,520 Speaker 2: still stay. What we do conflicts with what we continue 126 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:03,880 Speaker 2: to understand and believe. You know, we know that we 127 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,360 Speaker 2: aren't meant to be in this relationship, and yet we 128 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:10,960 Speaker 2: stay there, and that creates discomfort, and in that emotional 129 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:15,320 Speaker 2: place we do tend to just linger and feel terrible 130 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:19,440 Speaker 2: until we do something. If you've never been in this situation, 131 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,480 Speaker 2: you know you may not understand why that is, and 132 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:25,440 Speaker 2: even if you have, you may not know exactly why. 133 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:31,880 Speaker 2: So let's talk about some explanations. Psychologically, emotionally, socially why 134 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:36,760 Speaker 2: do we settle? The first reason is that the relationship 135 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 2: feels safe or good enough. The worst kind of relationship 136 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,040 Speaker 2: to leave is the one where when it's really good, 137 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:49,440 Speaker 2: it's really good, and when it's bad, it's really bad, 138 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:54,040 Speaker 2: or when it's bad you just feel nothing. This creates 139 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 2: such intense emotional fluctuations that you just don't feel like 140 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,840 Speaker 2: you can pinpoint the truth. It makes it so much 141 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:08,040 Speaker 2: harder to exit the relationship because you're essentially always anticipating 142 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:11,560 Speaker 2: when things might turn to be better, and you're secretly 143 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,680 Speaker 2: hoping for that. And so because there isn't this all 144 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 2: out sign or declaration that the relationship is bad, you 145 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:23,280 Speaker 2: continue to live on the hope of it. Hope will 146 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:27,920 Speaker 2: kill you, Hope kills us in these situations because we 147 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 2: keep expecting the time when it's just all going to 148 00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:33,960 Speaker 2: be good from now on, and we don't want to 149 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:38,200 Speaker 2: give up on that potential, on that future that we 150 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:42,640 Speaker 2: desperately want so badly. That's the thing about these situations. 151 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:47,040 Speaker 2: You want to be in this relationship, you just know 152 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:51,200 Speaker 2: it's not working. It also comes down to loss a version. 153 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:55,200 Speaker 2: This is a psychological phenomena that describes how we feel 154 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:59,160 Speaker 2: the pain of losing something that we had and something 155 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:02,480 Speaker 2: that we valued more so than probably anything else. And 156 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:06,920 Speaker 2: we will do a lot to stop ourselves from missing 157 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:10,120 Speaker 2: out or to stop ourselves from losing something, even if 158 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 2: we don't actually typically see it as very valuable. There 159 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 2: is this deep pain that comes from putting in so 160 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:23,680 Speaker 2: much time and energy and love and work into a 161 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 2: relationship and it failing anyways. You can't say that you 162 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,600 Speaker 2: didn't try, though, you can't say that you did not 163 00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:34,959 Speaker 2: give it one hundred percent. And that's the thing. If 164 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:40,440 Speaker 2: work and love was all it took, well, then shouldn't 165 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:43,920 Speaker 2: it be working. But it's not. You also need other things. 166 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 2: You need compatibility, you need communication, you need the spark. 167 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:53,720 Speaker 2: Another reason that we settle, especially in our twenties, is 168 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:58,440 Speaker 2: fomo and the timeline trap. We see all these people 169 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 2: around us in these relationships, and oh my gosh, don't 170 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 2: they look like they're having so much fun and they've 171 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:07,200 Speaker 2: really like found their person and they're so happy and 172 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:10,440 Speaker 2: they do everything together, and oh my god, now they're engaged, 173 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,960 Speaker 2: and now she's engaged and he's engaged, and everybody's engaged, 174 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 2: and everyone's getting married, and I'm going to be the 175 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 2: last single friend and I'm going to be miserable. There 176 00:11:17,559 --> 00:11:21,120 Speaker 2: is this intense milestone anxiety that is around every single 177 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,880 Speaker 2: corner in our twenties, really that we are not where 178 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 2: we should be. We are and do not have what 179 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,439 Speaker 2: we have that would potentially make us happy at this stage, 180 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:34,120 Speaker 2: and how could our lives begin? How could we move 181 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:37,480 Speaker 2: on unless we take this thing off our list? And 182 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,439 Speaker 2: so when you're in a relationship that feels good enough, 183 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:44,839 Speaker 2: you're sometimes the comfort of being able to say, Okay, 184 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,800 Speaker 2: I got that ticked off the to do list, even 185 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,920 Speaker 2: if it's not very well done, is really all you're 186 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:53,120 Speaker 2: asking for. The thing is is that like to use 187 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:55,920 Speaker 2: that to do list analogy. You can do a terrible 188 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,840 Speaker 2: job and take the thing off your list. You know 189 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,200 Speaker 2: you did a terrible job, and you know you're still 190 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:03,640 Speaker 2: going to have to redo it. And that's the thing 191 00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:07,520 Speaker 2: with this relationship conundrum you're probably finding yourself in. You've 192 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,760 Speaker 2: ticked the relationship off your list. To everyone else, that 193 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,760 Speaker 2: might look great, deep down, you know that you're not 194 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:17,560 Speaker 2: happy with the outcome. The fear of being single forever 195 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 2: is another thing that comes up time and time again. 196 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:26,800 Speaker 2: It really sucks. Let's just acknowledge it. Phase value. It 197 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,680 Speaker 2: really sucks to think that you're going to be alone 198 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:32,680 Speaker 2: for the rest of your life. It just does. 199 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:34,320 Speaker 1: You know what. 200 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:38,960 Speaker 2: There's really nothing I can say to that other than 201 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:44,320 Speaker 2: that fear is directly correlated to you perhaps not making 202 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,000 Speaker 2: great decisions when it comes to who you're dating. A 203 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,640 Speaker 2: twenty twenty three study found that when they examined why 204 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:54,760 Speaker 2: people settled, the biggest factor was that they were scared 205 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:58,240 Speaker 2: of being alone. And this is especially the case if 206 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:02,160 Speaker 2: you are quite anxiously attached. Those with anxious attachment styles 207 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:06,160 Speaker 2: find it difficult to let go of unhealthy relationships because 208 00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:11,560 Speaker 2: their need for belongingness can overpower their need for emotional 209 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 2: or fulfillment. That's really difficult to be holding these two 210 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 2: things that you think should go together, and yet you're 211 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:24,400 Speaker 2: finding that they sit apart. I want to belong and 212 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,640 Speaker 2: I want to be loved and I'm in a relationship. 213 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,680 Speaker 2: Surely those things all go hand in hand, and you're 214 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:36,160 Speaker 2: probably finding that maybe they don't. You have to approach 215 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:40,080 Speaker 2: being single like you are going to be single for 216 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:44,320 Speaker 2: the rest of your life, and that you know you 217 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,600 Speaker 2: are never going to find anyone, and let yourself be 218 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,959 Speaker 2: in that worst case scenario, let yourself truly believe it, 219 00:13:51,559 --> 00:13:54,000 Speaker 2: and then realize that it's actually really not that bad. 220 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:58,000 Speaker 2: You know what the happiest group of people are, and 221 00:13:58,080 --> 00:13:59,839 Speaker 2: I know you've probably heard this time and time again, 222 00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:04,400 Speaker 2: it's like single people and especially women over the age 223 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:08,600 Speaker 2: of sixty. So this whole myth that if you're not 224 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,640 Speaker 2: in a relationship at twenty, you're going to be alone 225 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:14,360 Speaker 2: forever is firstly probably not true. And the myth that 226 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,640 Speaker 2: being alone forever is going to mean that you're miserable 227 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,320 Speaker 2: is definitely not true. That's something that we really need 228 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:24,440 Speaker 2: to start talking about. Low self esteem I think also 229 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:26,920 Speaker 2: pushes us to settle, and I think that's something that 230 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,880 Speaker 2: comes through with all of those previous factors we discussed. 231 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,800 Speaker 2: I think that sometimes you may think that you've tricked 232 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,800 Speaker 2: this person into falling in love with you, and that 233 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,720 Speaker 2: you could never trick another person. That you are maybe 234 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:42,840 Speaker 2: not good enough, and so for someone who's not good enough, 235 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:46,600 Speaker 2: they should accept the good enough relationship. Right. This is 236 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,160 Speaker 2: all you ever deserve, This is all you ever going 237 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,880 Speaker 2: to find if you were to be single again, it's 238 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,800 Speaker 2: just going to be miserable, and no one's going to 239 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,000 Speaker 2: find you attractive, and no one's going to think you're hot, 240 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,440 Speaker 2: and no one's going to think that you're intelligent or 241 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:03,960 Speaker 2: worth their time. That's ridiculous. I'll just call it out. 242 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:06,200 Speaker 2: I'm talking to the voice in your head right now. 243 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 2: It's not true. It's lying to you. But that lie 244 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,640 Speaker 2: is what's keeping you in a relationship that actually probably 245 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,640 Speaker 2: is worsening your self esteem. Because you don't feel good 246 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,680 Speaker 2: about yourself, you're not able to act on what you 247 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:22,160 Speaker 2: want from your life. You're not happy. The final reason 248 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:26,080 Speaker 2: we settle is that we don't want to disappoint other people. 249 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,800 Speaker 2: This is another really hard one. Maybe your family really 250 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:34,440 Speaker 2: loves who you're with. Maybe they think that he or 251 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 2: she is amazing. Maybe they're all your grandparents can talk about. 252 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,840 Speaker 2: All your aunts and uncles want to hear about. Every 253 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,920 Speaker 2: one of your friends thinks they're great, everyone's so happy 254 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,120 Speaker 2: and thinks you've got this beautiful relationship. Breaking up with 255 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:52,760 Speaker 2: them would be admitting that that was a lie, and 256 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,640 Speaker 2: you think that you might break other people's hearts in 257 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 2: the process. They don't care. They do, but they care 258 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,440 Speaker 2: on this sense that they want you to be happy. 259 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,920 Speaker 2: They want you to find and be in the relationship 260 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:10,080 Speaker 2: that just makes you feel incredible about yourself. If you 261 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,600 Speaker 2: were to truly talk to them and tell them about 262 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 2: all the stuff that was happening in your relationship, or 263 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 2: even if the relationship is good, all the things that 264 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 2: you were feeling and how unhappy you were, they would 265 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,160 Speaker 2: want you to make the choice to leave. You know 266 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:28,560 Speaker 2: that they're not going to be disappointed. But these are 267 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,920 Speaker 2: some of the reasons why why we stay, why we 268 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,160 Speaker 2: end up settling when we know deep down that we shouldn't. 269 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,200 Speaker 2: We're going to take a short break here, but when 270 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,880 Speaker 2: we return, I want to talk about the cost of 271 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:43,160 Speaker 2: this decision in the nicest way possible, and where to 272 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,640 Speaker 2: go from here when you know the relationship isn't right, 273 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:53,840 Speaker 2: how do you leave it? Okay, So what is the 274 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:58,000 Speaker 2: cost of settling in our twenties especially, that's the next 275 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,960 Speaker 2: big question we need to answer. If you're in a 276 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:04,040 Speaker 2: good enough relationship and that is to you better than 277 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:07,119 Speaker 2: being single, which I understand why in many ways you 278 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:11,200 Speaker 2: might just be thinking to yourself, like, well, why can't 279 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:12,840 Speaker 2: I just stay a little bit longer, Like this isn't 280 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,199 Speaker 2: that bad? Why not just like enjoy the security of 281 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,119 Speaker 2: this all for a little while, like while it lasts. Well, 282 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:22,399 Speaker 2: if you're scared about losing a good enough relationship, I 283 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,959 Speaker 2: need you to seriously consider how much else you are 284 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,760 Speaker 2: losing by staying in that relationship and everything else that 285 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,640 Speaker 2: you are missing out on. This is a good way 286 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,960 Speaker 2: to counteract our loss version by thinking about all the 287 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,800 Speaker 2: potential things that we are losing, the opportunity costs that 288 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:41,120 Speaker 2: we are losing by staying in this relationship. And that's 289 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,960 Speaker 2: an economics term to basically reference, like if I gave 290 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:49,200 Speaker 2: you five dollars and you bought an apple, Like, essentially, 291 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:52,879 Speaker 2: there is opportunity in your money, and there is opportunity 292 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,920 Speaker 2: to also buy an orange and also buy a pair 293 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 2: and also buy I don't know a banana, and you're 294 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,840 Speaker 2: not just spending the money, you're spending or choosing the 295 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 2: opportunity to spend your money on a certain thing. So 296 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:11,840 Speaker 2: the cost of settling falls across three categories, the identity cost, 297 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 2: the obvious opportunity cost or romantic cost, and the experience cost. 298 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,280 Speaker 2: To start with the identity cost, firstly, you may really 299 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:24,800 Speaker 2: struggle to be able to figure out who you are. 300 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:28,600 Speaker 2: If you stay in a mediocre relationship, you become hied 301 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:30,959 Speaker 2: up in this other person. Of course you do if 302 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,960 Speaker 2: you have begun to share a life with them, if 303 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,880 Speaker 2: you've moved in with them, if you've traveled with them, 304 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,200 Speaker 2: if you've shared friends. Like if you do share friends 305 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 2: with them, your relationship can be your epi center. Everything 306 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:45,960 Speaker 2: revolves around it, and everything will continue to revolve around it, 307 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:49,240 Speaker 2: especially if you're worried about it ending, because even more 308 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:51,600 Speaker 2: time and energy that you could be putting to yourself 309 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,760 Speaker 2: becomes fixated on like not trying to break up with them, 310 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,520 Speaker 2: or like trying to quell your anxiety or make yourself 311 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,679 Speaker 2: feel better, because you don't want to lose the history. 312 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:04,359 Speaker 2: You are spending and expending energy that could be better 313 00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:08,520 Speaker 2: spent on yourself. It is a finite resource. Your twenties 314 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,320 Speaker 2: are we already know this the peak period of your 315 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:17,200 Speaker 2: life for identity exploration. Maybe only second to our teenage, yes, 316 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,920 Speaker 2: but I even think our twenties are more important because 317 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,760 Speaker 2: you have more independence and a bit of money. You 318 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,800 Speaker 2: are meant to be trying on different versions of who 319 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,879 Speaker 2: you may want to be, like seeing what fits, seeing 320 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,399 Speaker 2: what doesn't fit, seeing where you want to live, what 321 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:34,199 Speaker 2: you want to try. You know they're if you're with 322 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,560 Speaker 2: the right person, like they will let you do that. 323 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:41,480 Speaker 2: They will allow you to be a separate entity and explore. 324 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:45,320 Speaker 2: They will actually probably expand your ability to do that 325 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,800 Speaker 2: and give you the freedom to discover yourself in a 326 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:54,719 Speaker 2: deeply fulfilling way. But with the wrong person you experience 327 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:59,199 Speaker 2: something that we call identity for closure. This is a 328 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:04,959 Speaker 2: phenomena where whereby we basically choose who we are, and 329 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,919 Speaker 2: unfortunately we choose wrong too early in life, and then 330 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:12,680 Speaker 2: we find ourselves so tied up in commitments and attached 331 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,360 Speaker 2: to this version of us that we just assume it's 332 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,640 Speaker 2: who we are because we like being this person, which 333 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:21,639 Speaker 2: is like, oh yeah, this is of course me I 334 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,600 Speaker 2: like being in this relationship. I like my identity as 335 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,840 Speaker 2: a girlfriend, as a husband, as a wife, as a partner. 336 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,200 Speaker 2: Not because you actually do, but because you haven't looked 337 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:33,880 Speaker 2: at any other alternatives. You have foreclosed on the opportunity 338 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:38,600 Speaker 2: to explore. I had a friend who this happened to, 339 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:43,359 Speaker 2: and thankfully she has exited this relationship. But she started 340 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:47,000 Speaker 2: dating her ex when she was seventeen. By nineteen, they 341 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:51,080 Speaker 2: were living together by twenty one. I remember them planning 342 00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:54,679 Speaker 2: their wedding, and I remember so much of who she 343 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:59,520 Speaker 2: was was this guy's girlfriend right after they broke up. 344 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,239 Speaker 2: They did eventually, and it took many, many years. I 345 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,879 Speaker 2: remember her being like, I couldn't even decide what to 346 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:11,240 Speaker 2: eat without him. I didn't have any hobbies that he 347 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,359 Speaker 2: wasn't involved in. I didn't have any real friends that 348 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:18,159 Speaker 2: didn't know us as a couple. First, you know, I 349 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,280 Speaker 2: liked that I was a girlfriend, and I liked that 350 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,679 Speaker 2: I was in a serious relationship because I think for 351 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,919 Speaker 2: her it made her feel mature. But the thing she 352 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,879 Speaker 2: said to me was like, I liked that experience. But 353 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 2: I realized that I liked that experience more than I 354 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:35,680 Speaker 2: liked him. She had experienced identity foreclosure seventeen was when 355 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:37,959 Speaker 2: they got together, and because of the nature of their relationship, 356 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,520 Speaker 2: it was like she was kind of frozen, as she 357 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,359 Speaker 2: would say in her own words, like frozen at the 358 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,080 Speaker 2: point they became a couple. What we really want to 359 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:49,320 Speaker 2: be experiencing is what we call an identity moratorium. This 360 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,760 Speaker 2: is when a person is trying out roles or activities 361 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,520 Speaker 2: or different things in order to kind of trial and 362 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:00,600 Speaker 2: error into the most suitable one, and this process hopefully 363 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:04,000 Speaker 2: brings us to identity achievement. So this is when we 364 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:06,199 Speaker 2: find an identity we really like and our commitment to 365 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,879 Speaker 2: that identity is high because we have been able to 366 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,280 Speaker 2: go through and kind of cross out the things that 367 00:22:11,359 --> 00:22:14,119 Speaker 2: we don't want to be because we have explored our options. 368 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,840 Speaker 2: Of course, you know, I feel like I have to 369 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:22,400 Speaker 2: make this caveat. We never really stop discovering. That's why 370 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:25,320 Speaker 2: you really need a partner at all ages who's going 371 00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:28,919 Speaker 2: to let you explore on your own. But when this 372 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:33,480 Speaker 2: exploratory need is highest, confining yourself can be a lot 373 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:39,400 Speaker 2: more threatening settling in your twenties and this may be controversial, 374 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:41,480 Speaker 2: but I believe it. It can also mean that you 375 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:48,119 Speaker 2: abandon your ability to find yourself through the fund of 376 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:51,879 Speaker 2: meeting other people. Basically, you should be dating around. And 377 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,480 Speaker 2: some people don't agree with me, and I totally understand why, 378 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:57,560 Speaker 2: But I think that being single truly brings so many 379 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:03,520 Speaker 2: opportunities to, you know, figure out who you are through 380 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:07,720 Speaker 2: the lens of meeting other people and like having fun 381 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:11,879 Speaker 2: with them and determining what you like about them, what 382 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,879 Speaker 2: they like about you, what you don't like about them, 383 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,560 Speaker 2: what they don't like about you. I read this quote 384 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,720 Speaker 2: from Kristen Bell recently in which she was basically like, 385 00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:22,440 Speaker 2: I wish I'd had more fun. I wish i'd butterflied 386 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:25,520 Speaker 2: around more in my twenties. And even though I'm in 387 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 2: a stable relationship now, I kind of have to agree 388 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:29,719 Speaker 2: with her. I had a lot of fun when I 389 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,520 Speaker 2: was single, Like I wouldn't say, actually fun. I had 390 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:35,359 Speaker 2: a lot of experiences, and I wish I'd had maybe 391 00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:37,760 Speaker 2: a few more. Some people do just know, but for 392 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,719 Speaker 2: others you learn through error. So if you've picked the 393 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:44,000 Speaker 2: first person and they're like kind of all right, not 394 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:47,120 Speaker 2: giving yourself the opportunity to get heartbroken and explore may 395 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:51,199 Speaker 2: actually be costing you. Not every experience that is painful, 396 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:54,600 Speaker 2: is bad. Sometimes they do actually teach you important lessons. 397 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,560 Speaker 2: You know, I always get people who are like you know, 398 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:02,440 Speaker 2: if you're not dating to marry, dating to be heartbroken. 399 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,280 Speaker 2: Heartbreak sucks. It's not the worst thing in the world. 400 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:11,399 Speaker 2: It is fertile ground for growth and to allow you 401 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,040 Speaker 2: to redefine what you want out of a future relationship. 402 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,800 Speaker 2: Maybe this is another helpful reappraisal for those of you 403 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,160 Speaker 2: or those of us who are scared to leave a good, 404 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,639 Speaker 2: not great relationship. It's never a loss to give something 405 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:26,320 Speaker 2: you're all and to try with someone and for it 406 00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:29,920 Speaker 2: to maybe not work out. It's not a loss, of course, 407 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,600 Speaker 2: we're aiming for true love. But sometimes the next best 408 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:38,320 Speaker 2: thing is a lesson. Finally, you lose the everyday opportunity 409 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:43,239 Speaker 2: to just be happier being in the wrong relationship, like 410 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:47,280 Speaker 2: your body feels that, your mind feels that. You know, 411 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,719 Speaker 2: you feel sick to your stomach, you feel anxious all 412 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:56,560 Speaker 2: the time, you feel stressed, tense. There will be pain 413 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,240 Speaker 2: in leaving, of course, but that is a temporary. Pain 414 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:02,480 Speaker 2: is the everyday, chronic pain of being in a place, 415 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:06,600 Speaker 2: in a relationship that you don't belong and every day 416 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,600 Speaker 2: you abandon yourself a little bit more. Every day you 417 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,080 Speaker 2: fall a little bit more silent. Every day you feel 418 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:13,919 Speaker 2: less like yourself, you feel less connected, you feel the 419 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:17,720 Speaker 2: resentment and numbness take over. Is a day you don't 420 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:19,600 Speaker 2: get back and is a day that you could have 421 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,359 Speaker 2: been spent healing. Not to scare you, but you have 422 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,760 Speaker 2: one precious life. You have to go after what you 423 00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:30,080 Speaker 2: deserve and want, even if right now you can't picture it, 424 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:33,720 Speaker 2: Even if getting there means standing at the start of 425 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,560 Speaker 2: a marathonline and being like, I'm going to have to 426 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,560 Speaker 2: run through this and it's going to be really painful. 427 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:42,200 Speaker 2: At least you'll feel human rather than disappointment. At least 428 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,800 Speaker 2: you'll really know what it feels like to know yourself 429 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,840 Speaker 2: in the darkest points. So what do we do next? 430 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:53,280 Speaker 2: You've made the decision, It's a loaded question to ask, 431 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:58,320 Speaker 2: But where do we go from here? I will say, 432 00:25:58,359 --> 00:25:59,960 Speaker 2: at this point feels like a good time to just 433 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,680 Speaker 2: maybe propose a few more questions. If you're still kind 434 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,720 Speaker 2: of arming and erring, that might give you a little 435 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:08,080 Speaker 2: bit more information. So before we think next steps, ask 436 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:13,000 Speaker 2: yourself these questions. If your best friend was in this relationship, 437 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:16,879 Speaker 2: what would you tell them to do. What would you 438 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:20,480 Speaker 2: in five years time be begging you to do right 439 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:24,359 Speaker 2: now if I gave you a guarantee right now that 440 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:27,320 Speaker 2: you would find someone else. Would you stay with this 441 00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:32,840 Speaker 2: person when you picture your ideal relationship, is it the 442 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:37,359 Speaker 2: person you're with now who is in these visions or not? 443 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,119 Speaker 2: These questions don't have a right or wrong answer. I 444 00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:42,520 Speaker 2: think that's why they're so important. They're about tapping into 445 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:46,760 Speaker 2: your gut instinct, you know. And if maybe you're thinking 446 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:51,879 Speaker 2: this could just be relationship anxiety. Maybe, but relationship anxiety 447 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:58,800 Speaker 2: doesn't stick around and stalk you for months. Relationship anxiety 448 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:03,320 Speaker 2: also so it's not unresponsive to any kind of changes. 449 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,239 Speaker 2: You know, it goes away when you talk to your 450 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,080 Speaker 2: friends about it, It goes away when you talk to your 451 00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:11,159 Speaker 2: partner about it, when you're open about it. You know. 452 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:12,920 Speaker 2: We have a whole episode on how to tell the 453 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:16,320 Speaker 2: difference between intuition or anxiety that I would really recommend 454 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:22,000 Speaker 2: for moments like this, But you know, sometimes you just 455 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:25,040 Speaker 2: have to You just have to do it and see 456 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,879 Speaker 2: if you feel better. So, how are we going to 457 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:29,840 Speaker 2: try this, How we're going to how we're going to leave? 458 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:35,560 Speaker 2: Number one plan? What you're going to say, I'm assuming 459 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,680 Speaker 2: that you know there's a lot of love in your relationship, 460 00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:41,600 Speaker 2: there's just not a lot of compatibility, or there's just 461 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:44,080 Speaker 2: not a lot of something he's missing, right, but I'm 462 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,880 Speaker 2: sure you still really care about them. Just plan out 463 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:52,040 Speaker 2: exactly your reasons. Talk about it in terms of you 464 00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,440 Speaker 2: and what you need. Don't say like, oh, I think 465 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,320 Speaker 2: that you deserve better, No, just what do you need. 466 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,560 Speaker 2: Don't make promises that you're going to get back together. 467 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:06,840 Speaker 2: Just make your dot points, maybe write them a letter, 468 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:10,040 Speaker 2: plan when you're going to do it, and then plan 469 00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:14,720 Speaker 2: your next two weeks. Distract, distract, distract as much as 470 00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:18,560 Speaker 2: you can for that first little chapter. This is when 471 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,639 Speaker 2: it's going to feel the hardest. I always say the 472 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,880 Speaker 2: first two weeks after a breakup and then the three 473 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:26,240 Speaker 2: month mark is when it's the worst. Those are like 474 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,520 Speaker 2: the hurdles that you need to get over. It will 475 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:32,399 Speaker 2: slowly get better. Just plan out, like what exactly you 476 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:37,440 Speaker 2: are going to do. Who are you going to see, 477 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:42,120 Speaker 2: what courses are you going to start? Get a gym membership? 478 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:47,400 Speaker 2: Literally before you break up with this person, obviously, like 479 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,360 Speaker 2: talk to them before and see if you can work 480 00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,480 Speaker 2: stuff out. Like, I'm kind of assuming that you've had 481 00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:54,960 Speaker 2: some hard conversations before this, But if you really know 482 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:57,480 Speaker 2: you're going to do this, I need you to write 483 00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:00,480 Speaker 2: down a timeline of what your next two weeks are 484 00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,080 Speaker 2: going to look like. And I need all your evenings 485 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:04,040 Speaker 2: to be full, and I need you to know where 486 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:06,640 Speaker 2: you're going to be so that you don't just get 487 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 2: stuck on the thought and just get back together. Get 488 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:13,640 Speaker 2: a project. This is good advice for any time. But 489 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:18,240 Speaker 2: have something that you can pour all of these feelings into, 490 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:21,680 Speaker 2: all of your grief, all of your loss. You know, 491 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,080 Speaker 2: even if you're the one to end things like, it's 492 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:26,520 Speaker 2: still going to be hard. Find something that you can 493 00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:29,680 Speaker 2: channel that into to feel like you're making something from 494 00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:33,600 Speaker 2: your pain. Doesn't have to be creative. Set a goal, set, 495 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:36,520 Speaker 2: a task set something you want to achieve that's going 496 00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:39,280 Speaker 2: to be the thing that you return to that you 497 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:42,040 Speaker 2: can just focus on, especially if it's something that like 498 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,400 Speaker 2: brings you into a state of flow or something that 499 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:46,760 Speaker 2: you really wanted to like kind of get to in 500 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:51,959 Speaker 2: the past. Reflect on the lessons, not just the loss. 501 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:55,080 Speaker 2: A lot of time, and I think I've done this 502 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 2: in the past, Like I've suggested that you write a 503 00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:00,240 Speaker 2: closure letter. I think it's better actually to tell the 504 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:03,520 Speaker 2: story of your relationship like it's a fable or like 505 00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:06,480 Speaker 2: it's a very old story that has a lesson or 506 00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:07,480 Speaker 2: a takeaway. 507 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:07,520 Speaker 1: At the end. 508 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:11,920 Speaker 2: Someone always has to leave first, Right, why did you leave? 509 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,719 Speaker 2: And what did you learn from the relationship? What are 510 00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:17,960 Speaker 2: you bringing with you for this next chapter? When you 511 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,760 Speaker 2: apply and when you bring meaning to the pain, it 512 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:23,000 Speaker 2: doesn't make it any easier, but it makes it feel 513 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:26,040 Speaker 2: more important and it takes away like the meaninglessness of it. 514 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:31,360 Speaker 2: Number five, My friend Gia actually gave was telling me 515 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:34,920 Speaker 2: about something that she did when she broke up with 516 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:37,840 Speaker 2: her partner, which was that she found a single friend 517 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:40,720 Speaker 2: to kind of group up with, Like it's always so 518 00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:42,960 Speaker 2: much easier to go through something when you're not going 519 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:46,000 Speaker 2: through it alone. And she was like telling me about 520 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:47,920 Speaker 2: all these beautiful memories that they would have of like 521 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:50,200 Speaker 2: every night they would have their hot chocolate and they 522 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,560 Speaker 2: would like watch videos about how to decenter men. And 523 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,400 Speaker 2: I was like, that's that's really nice to have, like 524 00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:59,320 Speaker 2: a body. So find a community of people who are 525 00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:03,080 Speaker 2: going through something similar, and also let yourself indulge in 526 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:08,160 Speaker 2: the bad feeling, like let yourself be sad, but also 527 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,880 Speaker 2: remember being sad has no correlation as to whether this 528 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,360 Speaker 2: person was right for you or not. You can feel devastated, 529 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:17,760 Speaker 2: you can feel heartbroken and still know this wasn't right 530 00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:20,640 Speaker 2: and was never going to be right. If you want 531 00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:24,040 Speaker 2: to make your way through that feeling, don't run away 532 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,760 Speaker 2: from it. Let yourself just like be overwhelmed by it. 533 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:31,520 Speaker 2: Watch La La Land, watch The Notebook, watched The Breakup, 534 00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:34,720 Speaker 2: Like get those movies ready, watch Sex in the City, 535 00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:38,800 Speaker 2: like have stuff ready so that you can just feel 536 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:42,080 Speaker 2: really really sad. Have like your breakup album ready. The 537 00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:46,120 Speaker 2: new Olivia Dean album is like an iconic breakup album, 538 00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:49,240 Speaker 2: like I think it would be an amazing companion for 539 00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:53,960 Speaker 2: a recent split. Like indulge in the feeling. Let yourself 540 00:31:54,000 --> 00:32:00,760 Speaker 2: just really be sad. Let me finish by just making 541 00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:05,160 Speaker 2: something abundantly clear. You are not being greedy or unrealistic. 542 00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:09,240 Speaker 2: If you expect or want an amazing love story for yourself. 543 00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:14,000 Speaker 2: It is not unrealistic to want someone who makes time 544 00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:19,280 Speaker 2: stand still, who completes you, who is undoubtedly your soulmate. 545 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:23,240 Speaker 2: That's not impossible, that is not asking for too much. 546 00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:26,840 Speaker 2: And you know you can call me a romantic But 547 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:29,400 Speaker 2: I believe fully that this is out there for everyone 548 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:35,000 Speaker 2: one hundred percent. I believe it, no doubt in my mind. 549 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:38,440 Speaker 2: But you cannot find that person if you are in 550 00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:42,280 Speaker 2: a relationship that you settled for. And I don't want 551 00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:46,880 Speaker 2: you to be fifty sixty waking up in bed beside 552 00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:49,720 Speaker 2: someone realizing that the same feelings you have right now 553 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:52,320 Speaker 2: have always been there and you should have just listened 554 00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:55,600 Speaker 2: to them right at the start. So I am sending 555 00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:57,560 Speaker 2: you a lot of love. I feel like if you're 556 00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:03,600 Speaker 2: listening to this, well it's not for no reason. You 557 00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:05,440 Speaker 2: probably know what you need to do, and I know 558 00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:08,239 Speaker 2: it's going to be really hard, but you are going 559 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:10,239 Speaker 2: to get through it, and in six months time I 560 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:13,600 Speaker 2: see you absolutely thriving. Maybe in a year, but it 561 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:17,920 Speaker 2: will happen. So like, take this information to do with 562 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:19,440 Speaker 2: it what you will, But I'm sending you a lot 563 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:21,680 Speaker 2: of love, a lot of luck for this next chapter, 564 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,720 Speaker 2: whatever you decide. I hope that you enjoyed this episode. 565 00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:27,960 Speaker 2: Maybe send it to someone that you think could benefit 566 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,440 Speaker 2: from it, or just send it, re listen to it, 567 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:33,680 Speaker 2: send it to yourself. If you are listening to this 568 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:36,200 Speaker 2: on Spotify or Apple, you may not know that we 569 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:39,480 Speaker 2: are also on YouTube. This episode is currently being filmed 570 00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:41,680 Speaker 2: and recorded, so I don't know if you want to 571 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:44,200 Speaker 2: rewatch it since you've just finished, But if you want 572 00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:49,040 Speaker 2: to watch other episodes videos episodes, you can go to 573 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:52,479 Speaker 2: our YouTube, The Psychology of Your Twenties and follow us 574 00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:55,040 Speaker 2: along there. You can also follow me on Instagram at 575 00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:58,080 Speaker 2: that Psychology podcast if you want to see behind the 576 00:33:58,120 --> 00:33:59,840 Speaker 2: scenes and stuff that we're doing and stuff that we're 577 00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:02,720 Speaker 2: and if you want to contribute to episodes or suggest 578 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,440 Speaker 2: an episode, that's the place to do it. But until 579 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:09,160 Speaker 2: next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself, 580 00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:12,759 Speaker 2: and don't ever settle. We will talk very very soon.